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to_o make_v little_a account_n of_o that_o and_o they_o also_o who_o love_n god_n in_o good_a earnest_n and_o have_v shake_v hand_n with_o all_o the_o contentment_n of_o this_o life_n be_v certain_o wont_a to_o die_v with_o more_o sweetness_n it_o also_o seem_v to_o i_o that_o these_o favour_n do_v i_o very_o much_o good_a towards_o the_o bring_v i_o into_o a_o knowledge_n of_o our_o true_a country_n and_o to_o see_v that_o we_o be_v mere_a pilgrim_n here_o and_o it_o be_v a_o precious_a kind_n of_o thing_n to_o find_v what_o pass_v there_o above_o and_o to_o understand_v where_o in_o fine_a we_o be_v to_o live_v for_o ever_o and_o whensoever_o one_o go_v to_o settle_v and_o stay_v for_o good_a and_o all_o in_o any_o country_n it_o give_v a_o great_a assistance_n towards_o the_o endure_a all_o the_o incommodity_n of_o the_o journey_n when_o we_o know_v that_o the_o end_n of_o it_o be_v to_o be_v such_o as_o that_o we_o may_v in_o fine_a be_v in_o great_a repose_n and_o happiness_n 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forget_v it_o sometime_o though_o yet_o we_o remember_v it_o again_o afterward_o i_o know_v not_o how_o we_o shall_v be_v able_a to_o live_v let_v he_o be_v bless_v and_o praise_v for_o all_o eternity_n and_o i_o humble_o beg_v of_o his_o divine_a majesty_n even_o by_o that_o very_a precious_a blood_n which_o his_o own_o son_n shed_v for_o i_o that_o since_o he_o have_v vouchsafe_v that_o i_o shall_v understand_v somewhat_o of_o these_o benefit_n and_o blessing_n and_o that_o i_o shall_v begin_v to_o enjoy_v they_o also_o in_o some_o kind_n even_o in_o this_o life_n it_o
other_o of_o like_a condition_n that_o the_o conversation_n which_o she_o use_v and_o the_o contentment_n which_o she_o take_v be_v lawful_a that_o she_o 7._o conceive_v not_o herself_o to_o be_v in_o mortal_a sin_n for_o if_o she_o have_v know_v any_o such_o thing_n of_o herself_o she_o will_v never_o have_v endure_v it_o that_o she_o be_v ever_o a_o great_a 6._o enemy_n to_o detraction_n yea_o and_o that_o the_o world_n be_v ever_o safe_a in_o that_o kind_n when_o she_o be_v present_a for_o every_o body_n who_o know_v she_o know_v also_o that_o she_o will_v not_o so_o much_o as_o endure_v that_o this_o sin_n shall_v ever_o be_v commit_v in_o her_o hear_n that_o she_o be_v never_o any_o way_n subject_a to_o 22._o envy_n and_o that_o she_o have_v also_o never_o observe_v herself_o to_o offend_v almighty_a god_n either_o by_o hypocrisy_n or_o even_o so_o much_o as_o vainglory_n that_o she_o always_o stick_v so_o very_o fast_o to_o the_o truth_n of_o holy_a scripture_n and_o even_o to_o the_o least_o ceremony_n of_o the_o holy_a catholic_n church_n that_o rather_o than_o believe_v otherwise_o she_o will_v endure_v a_o thousand_o death_n that_o she_o be_v not_o cordial_o addict_v to_o any_o thing_n but_o to_o serve_v and_o please_v our_o bless_a lord_n and_o that_o in_o fine_a the_o whole_a world_n seem_v to_o she_o to_o be_v no_o better_o than_o a_o very_a hill_n of_o ants._n now_o this_o be_v the_o very_a truth_n of_o the_o case_n and_o this_o be_v the_o state_n of_o our_o saint_n soul_n from_o the_o first_o to_o the_o last_o and_o yet_o upon_o the_o consideration_n which_o i_o touch_v before_o this_o bless_a and_o heavenly_a creature_n i_o say_v heavenly_a even_o while_o she_o be_v yet_o upon_o earth_n will_v needs_o conceive_v herself_o once_o in_o prayer_n not_o only_o to_o see_v but_o even_o to_o feel_v herself_o to_o be_v in_o those_o very_a torment_n of_o hell_n which_o she_o hold_v herself_o as_o have_v be_v say_v to_o have_v deserve_v for_o her_o sin_n and_o 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lord_n by_o not_o correspond_v with_o his_o heavenly_a grace_n and_o not_o comply_v with_o his_o holy_a inspiration_n and_o commit_v some_o neglect_n in_o that_o kind_n whilst_o yet_o she_o be_v so_o enarnest_o move_v by_o his_o divine_a majesty_n to_o give-ove_a certain_a natural_a affection_n and_o recreation_n of_o she_o in_o regard_n of_o which_o unkindness_n towards_o almighty_a god_n she_o may_v have_v congruous_o deserve_v to_o be_v deprive_v of_o god_n grace_n afterward_o and_o then_o she_o may_v also_o have_v fall_v by_o degree_n not_o only_o into_o great_a fault_n but_o even_o into_o grievous_a sin_n which_o may_v true_o have_v be_v then_o ascribe_v to_o her_o former_a lesser_a offence_n and_o so_o it_o be_v mere_o the_o unspeakable_a goodness_n of_o almighty_a god_n and_o no_o merit_n of_o she_o that_o she_o be_v not_o permit_v to_o fall_v by_o degree_n even_o as_o low_o as_o hell_n itself_o like_o a_o man_n who_o in_o a_o small_a distemper_n of_o body_n neglect_v the_o help_n of_o physician_n and_o grow_v thereby_o afterward_o into_o mortal_a disease_n &_o death_n now_o therefore_o in_o all_o such_o thing_n as_o may_v concern_v the_o estimation_n which_o she_o make_v of_o herself_o in_o order_n either_o to_o the_o excellency_n or_o deformity_n of_o her_o life_n there_o be_v and_o let_v the_o glorious_a saint_n forgive_v i_o this_o error_n once_o of_o speak_v truth_n no_o credit_n at_o all_o to_o be_v give_v she_o because_o that_o subject_a lie_v but_o in_o the_o way_n of_o discourse_n &_o all_o thing_n in_o effect_n of_o that_o nature_n use_v to_o be_v just_a of_o that_o very_a colour_n whereof_o those_o glass_n be_v through_o which_o they_o be_v see_v and_o i_o have_v already_o show_v that_o she_o be_v of_o the_o partial_a cutt._n but_o as_o for_o those_o other_o thing_n which_o occur_v to_o be_v set_v down_o by_o she_o in_o the_o historical_a way_n or_o else_o which_o be_v relate_v as_o happen_v to_o the_o person_n of_o the_o writer_n in_o the_o 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understanding_n which_o be_v but_o mere_o humane_a but_o so_o also_o be_v there_o in_o finit_a other_o particular_n in_o the_o ecclesiastical_a history_n concern_v other_o saint_n which_o howsoever_o they_o seem_v and_o be_v strange_a yea_o and_o much_o more_o strange_a than_o these_o yet_o be_v they_o general_o and_o most_o just_o admit_v to_o the_o degree_n of_o moral_a beleif_n for_o as_o we_o catholic_n be_v instruct_v &_o teach_v that_o on_o the_o one_o side_n we_o must_v not_o be_v so_o light_a or_o rather_o in_o fine_a to_o the_o end_n that_o thing_n may_v have_v their_o right_a name_n not_o so_o very_o weak_a and_o foolish_a as_o to_o believe_v strange_a and_o supernatural_a thing_n without_o a_o mighty_a deal_n of_o authority_n and_o proof_n truth_n yea_o and_o the_o church_n herself_o do_v most_o bitter_o excommunicate_v whatsoever_o creature_n in_o the_o world_n who_o shall_v know_o propound_v any_o false_a thing_n of_o this_o kind_n to_o be_v believe_v so_o on_o the_o other_o side_n that_o they_o be_v most_o just_o to_o be_v hold_v both_o rash_a and_o childish_a and_o foolish_a who_o believe_v not_o that_o which_o multitude_n of_o the_o most_o and_o wise_a and_o worthy_a and_o learn_a and_o holy_a man_n believe_v though_o yet_o still_o in_o all_o these_o case_n wherein_o the_o church_n have_v not_o express_o declare_v herself_o we_o be_v not_o to_o believe_v thing_n with_o divine_a faith_n but_o only_o with_o a_o moral_a &_o humane_a beleif_n no_o nor_o even_o so_o much_o as_o that_o but_o only_o when_o they_o be_v so_o abundant_o prove_v to_o be_v true_a as_o that_o they_o can_v not_o rational_o be_v deny_v or_o even_o doubt_v by_o any_o prudent_a pious_a man_n for_o to_o resolve_v to_o believe_v nothing_o at_o all_o which_o be_v elevate_v above_o the_o ordinary_a
also_o with_o have_v begin_v so_o to_o use_v prayer_n as_o that_o i_o may_v be_v able_a to_o carry_v my_o pain_n with_o much_o conformity_n to_o his_o holy_a will_n the_o conversation_n of_o my_o hart_n be_v whole_o with_o he_o and_o i_o carry_v these_o word_n of_o job_n very_o usual_o both_o in_o my_o thought_n and_o in_o my_o mouth_n since_o we_o have_v receive_v blessing_n and_o benefit_n at_o the_o hand_n of_o our_o lord_n why_o shall_v we_o not_o also_o suffer_v affliction_n and_o i_o conceive_v that_o this_o help_v to_o give_v i_o courage_n at_o length_n come_v the_o feast_n of_o our_o b._n lady_n in_o august_n for_o till_o then_o from_o the_o april_n before_o have_v my_o torment_n continue_v though_o yet_o it_o have_v be_v great_a in_o the_o three_o last_o month_n i_o than_o make_v haste_n to_o go_v to_o confession_n for_o i_o ever_o take_v much_o contentment_n to_o confess_v often_o my_o friend_n think_v that_o it_o be_v fear_n of_o death_n which_o invite_v i_o to_o be_v so_o devout_a and_o so_o to_o the_o end_n that_o i_o may_v not_o be_v put_v into_o apprehension_n my_o father_n will_v not_o let_v i_o confess_v o_o inordinate_a and_o irregular_a love_n of_o flesh_n and_o blood_n since_o though_o i_o have_v so_o catholic_n a_o father_n and_o so_o full_a of_o prudence_n and_o consideration_n in_o all_o his_o action_n which_o even_o abound_v in_o he_o for_o this_o can_v not_o be_v a_o effect_n of_o ignorance_n yet_o he_o may_v have_v do_v i_o hurt_n enough_o by_o this_o mean_n that_o night_n i_o fall_v into_o such_o a_o trance_n as_o continue_v to_o keep_v i_o near_o four_o day_n without_o the_o use_n almost_o of_o any_o of_o my_o sense_n and_o short_o they_o come_v to_o give_v i_o the_o sacrament_n of_o extreme_a unction_n and_o every_o hour_n or_o rather_o every_o moment_n it_o be_v expect_v when_o i_o shall_v expire_v they_o be_v as_o diligent_a in_o say_v the_o creed_n devil_n in_o my_o hear_n as_o if_o i_o have_v understand_v they_o yea_o sometime_o they_o hold_v i_o for_o so_o certain_o to_o be_v dead_a that_o afterward_o i_o find_v the_o drop_n of_o the_o holy_a candle_n wax-candle_n about_o my_o eye_n the_o affliction_n of_o my_o father_n be_v great_a for_o his_o not_o have_v permit_v i_o to_o go_v to_o confession_n many_o outcry_n and_o many_o prayer_n be_v make_v to_o almighty_a god_n for_o i_o and_o bless_v be_v he_o who_o be_v please_v to_o hear_v they_o for_o the_o grave_n remain_v open_a in_o the_o church_n of_o my_o monastery_n a_o day_n and_o a_o half_a where_o my_o body_n be_v expect_v to_o be_v inter_v and_o my_o funeral_n have_v be_v already_o celebrate_v by_o the_o religious_a man_n of_o our_o order_n in_o another_o town_n where_o it_o be_v conceive_v that_o i_o be_v dead_a our_o lord_n be_v yet_o please_v at_o length_n that_o i_o shall_v teturne_v to_o myself_o and_o so_o instant_o i_o will_v needs_o go_v to_o confession_n i_o receive_v also_o the_o b._n sacrament_n with_o many_o tear_n though_o yet_o in_o my_o opinion_n they_o be_v not_o shed_v with_o that_o sense_n and_o grief_n for_o only_o my_o have_v offend_v almighty_a god_n which_o may_v have_v serve_v to_o save_v my_o soul_n if_o the_o error_n into_o which_o i_o be_v bring_v by_o they_o who_o have_v tell_v i_o that_o they_o be_v not_o matter_n of_o mortal_a sin_n which_o afterward_o i_o see_v plain_o that_o they_o be_v may_v not_o serve_v my_o turn_n for_o the_o torment_n wherewith_o i_o remain_v be_v intolerable_a and_o my_o understanding_n not_o very_o sharp_a but_o rather_o dull_a though_o yet_o as_o i_o conceive_v my_o confession_n be_v entire_a of_o all_o thing_n whereby_o i_o may_v think_v that_o i_o have_v offend_v god_n for_o this_o mercy_n do_v his_o divine_a majesty_n vouchsafe_v to_o allow_v i_o among_o other_o that_o after_o i_o have_v once_o begin_v to_o receive_v the_o b._n sacrament_n i_o never_o omit_v to_o confess_v any_o thing_n which_o i_o conceive_v to_o be_v a_o sin_n though_o it_o be_v but_o venial_a though_o yet_o still_o i_o think_v that_o without_o doubt_n my_o soul_n may_v have_v run_v hazard_n not_o to_o be_v save_v if_o i_o have_v die_v then_o in_o regard_n that_o on_o the_o one_o side_n my_o ghostly_a father_n have_v be_v so_o mean_o learn_v and_o on_o the_o other_o side_n and_o indeed_o on_o many_o side_n in_o regard_n that_o in_o myself_o i_o be_v so_o wicked_a but_o this_o be_v always_o a_o most_o certain_a truth_n that_o when_o i_o return_v to_o a_o thought_n of_o this_o passage_n and_o consider_v how_o it_o seem_v as_o if_o our_o lord_n have_v raise_v i_o again_o from_o death_n to_o life_n i_o be_o fill_v with_o so_o huge_a a_o amazement_n that_o i_o remain_v even_o as_o it_o be_v all_o quake_a within_o myself_o and_o now_o i_o think_v it_o be_v well_o o_o my_o soul_n that_o thou_o will_v gather_v this_o just_a resolution_n from_o that_o great_a danger_n out_o of_o which_o it_o please_v our_o lord_n to_o deliver_v thou_o that_o although_o thou_o will_v not_o fly_v from_o offend_v his_o divine_a majesty_n for_o love_n yet_o at_o least_o thou_o shall_v forbear_v to_o do_v it_o for_o fear_n for_o he_o may_v have_v take_v thy_o life_n from_o thou_o a_o thousand_o time_n when_o thou_o be_v in_o a_o more_o dangerous_a state_n and_o i_o think_v that_o i_o shall_v not_o say_v too_o much_o if_o i_o do_v speak_v of_o a_o thousand_o time_n more_o though_o he_o perhaps_o may_v chide_v i_o who_o command_v i_o to_o use_v moderation_n in_o the_o recital_n of_o my_o sin_n and_o yet_o i_o doubt_v that_o i_o have_v paint_v they_o out_o too_o favourable_o and_o fair_a but_o i_o beg_v of_o he_o for_o the_o love_n of_o our_o lord_n that_o he_o will_v not_o once_o think_v of_o make_v i_o diminish_v my_o fault_n because_o the_o magnificence_n of_o almighty_a god_n be_v to_o be_v discern_v thereby_o and_o how_o much_o he_o be_v please_v to_o suffer_v and_o endure_v from_o a_o soul_n let_v he_o be_v bless_v for_o ever_o and_o let_v it_o also_o please_v his_o divine_a majesty_n that_o he_o may_v rather_o consume_v i_o quite_o then_o that_o i_o shall_v ever_o leave_v to_o love_v he_o more_o the_o six_o chapter_n she_o treat_v of_o how_o much_o she_o owe_v our_o b._n lord_n for_o his_o give_v she_o conformity_n to_o his_o holy_a will_n in_o so_o great_a affliction_n and_o how_o she_o take_v the_o glorious_a s._n joseph_n for_o her_o intercessor_n and_o how_o advantageous_a that_o devotion_n prove_v to_o be_v i_o remain_v during_o those_o four_o day_n of_o agony_n or_o trance_n in_o such_o state_n that_o only_o our_o b._n lord_n be_v able_a to_o know_v the_o unsufferable_a torment_n which_o i_o feel_v in_o myself_o my_o tongue_n be_v deep_o bite_v by_o i_o in_o many_o place_n my_o throat_n with_o have_v take_v nothing_o and_o by_o reason_n also_o of_o my_o very_a great_a weakness_n can_v not_o swallow_v so_o much_o as_o a_o drop_n of_o water_n without_o choke_v i_o thought_n i_o be_v total_o disjoint_v and_o my_o head_n in_o extreme_a disorder_n i_o be_v also_o as_o it_o be_v all_o roll_a up_o and_o contract_v as_o if_o i_o have_v be_v a_o bottom_n of_o packthridd_n for_o in_o this_o do_v the_o torment_n of_o those_o day_n fix_v themselves_o without_o my_o be_v able_a once_o to_o stir_v either_o hand_n or_o foot_n arm_n or_o head_n unless_o they_o move_v i_o any_o more_o then_o as_o if_o i_o have_v be_v dead_a only_o i_o think_v i_o be_v able_a to_o wag_n one_o single_v finger_fw-la of_o my_o right_a hand_n now_o for_o any_o body_n to_o touch_v i_o in_o any_o kind_n there_o be_v no_o mean_n at_o all_o for_o my_o whole_a person_n be_v so_o affect_v and_o afflict_a as_o that_o there_o be_v no_o endure_v to_o have_v it_o touch_v in_o a_o sheet_n they_o will_v be_v remove_v i_o now_o and_o then_o according_a to_o the_o occasion_n with_o one_o at_o one_o end_n thereof_o &_o another_o at_o the_o other_o and_o this_o last_v till_o easter_n only_o this_o i_o have_v by_o way_n of_o ease_n that_o if_o i_o be_v not_o approach_v and_o touch_v these_o torment_n will_v be_v cease_v many_o time_n and_o then_o upon_o the_o account_n of_o my_o be_v in_o less_o pain_n i_o be_v content_a to_o affirm_v myself_o to_o be_v well_o but_o indeed_o i_o be_v much_o afraid_a lest_o my_o patience_n shall_v begin_v to_o fail_v i_o and_o therefore_o i_o be_v not_o a_o little_a please_v to_o find_v myself_o without_o those_o sharp_a and_o continual_a torment_n though_o yet_o i_o have_v they_o after_o a_o unsupportable_a manner_n together_o with_o a_o very_a great_a detestation_n of_o food_n whilst_o i_o have_v those_o fierce_a cold_n which_o indeed_o
sometime_o not_o so_o soon_o and_o since_o of_o late_a i_o be_o grow_v able_a to_o receive_v the_o b._n sacrament_n more_o often_o it_o proceed_v from_o this_o that_o these_o vomit_v come_v to_o i_o at_o night_n before_o i_o go_v to_o bed_n and_o they_o put_v i_o to_o much_o more_o pain_n and_o then_o i_o must_v procure_v to_o hasten_v and_o facilitate_v they_o by_o the_o use_n of_o feather_n and_o such_o other_o thing_n because_o if_o i_o have_v not_o those_o vomit_n the_o sickness_n which_o i_o feel_v be_v extreme_a but_o indeed_o i_o be_o i_o think_v almost_o never_o without_o many_o kind_n of_o pain_n and_o sometime_o they_o be_v very_o sharp_a one_o and_o especial_o at_o my_o very_a hart_n though_o yet_o withal_o it_o be_v also_o true_a that_o the_o cruel_a palsy_n and_o other_o infirmity_n of_o fever_n which_o be_v wont_a to_o come_v very_o thick_a upon_o i_o be_v now_o find_v to_o oppress_v i_o more_o seldom_o so_o that_o many_o time_n i_o be_o well_o in_o those_o respect_n and_o i_o have_v make_v so_o little_a account_n of_o these_o misery_n for_o these_o eight_o year_n together_o that_o sometime_o i_o be_o even_o glad_a i_o have_v they_o as_o conceave_a that_o our_o lord_n may_v be_v peradventure_o serve_v in_o some_o sort_n thereby_o this_o be_v my_o discourse_n and_o now_o my_o father_n believe_v that_o this_o which_o i_o tell_v he_o here_o be_v indeed_o the_o true_a cause_n of_o my_o omission_n for_o himself_o never_o use_v to_o lie_v and_o consider_v in_o what_o sort_n and_o of_o what_o matter_n i_o be_v then_o discourse_v to_o he_o he_o have_v no_o reason_n to_o think_v but_o that_o i_o say_v true_a and_o to_o the_o end_n that_o he_o may_v believe_v i_o the_o better_a i_o tell_v he_o also_o then_o that_o i_o well_o see_v myself_o not_o to_o be_v without_o some_o fault_n and_o that_o i_o have_v enough_o to_o do_v to_o be_v able_a to_o assist_v in_o the_o choir_n though_o yet_o in_o very_a deed_n even_o this_o reason_n of_o corporal_a sickness_n be_v no_o sufficient_a cause_n to_o make_v i_o give_v any_o good_a thing_n over_o for_o there_o be_v no_o need_n of_o corporal_a strength_n for_o such_o thing_n as_o these_o but_o only_o of_o love_n and_o custom_n since_o our_o lord_n afford_v we_o always_o opportunity_n if_o we_o will_v ourselves_o i_o say_v always_o because_o though_o infirmity_n and_o other_o occasion_n my_o hinder_v one_o sometime_o from_o spend_v many_o hour_n in_o solitude_n yet_o there_o will_v not_o want_v some_o other_o time_n wherein_o we_o may_v have_v health_n enough_o for_o this_o business_n yea_o and_o even_o in_o other_o occasion_n as_o also_o in_o the_o midst_n of_o sickness_n itself_o the_o true_a prayer_n may_v be_v make_v since_o it_o be_v the_o soul_n which_o love_v by_o offer_v up_o that_o pain_n to_o almighty_a god_n and_o in_o remember_v for_o who_o it_o be_v endure_v and_o in_o conform_v one_o self_n to_o god_n holy_a will_n therein_o and_o in_o a_o thousand_o such_o other_o thing_n as_o will_v occur_v and_o thus_o may_v one_o exercise_v love_n for_o there_o be_v no_o necessity_n at_o all_o for_o a_o person_n either_o to_o be_v in_o solitude_n or_o else_o that_o there_o must_v be_v no_o mental_a prayer_n at_o all_o if_o we_o will_v take_v a_o little_a care_n we_o may_v arrive_v to_o obtain_v great_a blessing_n at_o those_o time_n when_o our_o lord_n even_o take_v time_n for_o prayer_n from_o we_o by_o mean_n of_o our_o sickness_n and_o pain_n and_o myself_o have_v find_v this_o to_o be_v true_a as_o long_o as_o my_o conscience_n be_v pure_a and_o good_a but_o my_o father_n through_o the_o opinion_n which_o he_o hold_v of_o i_o and_o the_o love_n he_o bear_v i_o believe_v all_o that_o i_o have_v say_v or_o rather_o he_o not_o only_o believe_v but_o have_v also_o pity_n of_o i_o though_o yet_o be_v then_o grow_v to_o find_v himself_o in_o so_o eminent_a and_o high_a a_o state_n of_o spiritual_a life_n he_o remain_v not_o with_o i_o very_o long_o and_o therefore_o have_v visit_v i_o he_o return_v home_o as_o hold_v his_o stay_n there_o to_o be_v loss_n of_o time_n and_o i_o who_o be_v willing_a to_o spend_v it_o upon_o other_o vanity_n be_v not_o trouble_v very_o much_o at_o his_o departure_n it_o be_v not_o only_o with_o he_o but_o with_o other_o person_n also_o who_o i_o procure_v that_o they_o shall_v addict_v themselves_o to_o mental_a prayer_n even_o whilst_o i_o be_v walk_v on_o in_o those_o vanity_n for_o still_o as_o i_o find_v they_o apt_a to_o use_v vocal_a prayer_n i_o tell_v they_o how_o they_o shall_v grow_v to_o have_v the_o use_n of_o meditation_n and_o i_o do_v they_o good_a and_o give_v they_o book_n for_o i_o have_v still_o a_o good_a desire_n that_o other_o shall_v serve_v almighty_a god_n even_o from_o the_o very_a first_o time_n that_o i_o use_v mental_a prayer_n as_o i_o have_v relate_v here_o it_o seem_v to_o i_o that_o since_o now_o i_o serve_v not_o our_o lord_n myself_o so_o well_o as_o i_o shall_v yet_o i_o like_v not_o that_o that_o light_n shall_v be_v lose_v which_o his_o divine_a majesty_n have_v bestow_v upon_o i_o but_o that_o other_o might_n also_o serve_v he_o by_o my_o mean_n and_o this_o i_o here_o recount_v that_o so_o the_o great_a blindness_n wherein_o i_o be_v may_v be_v the_o better_o see_v which_o induce_v i_o to_o make_v i_o loose_v myself_o whilst_o yet_o i_o go_v procure_v to_o do_v good_a to_o other_o about_o this_o time_n my_o father_n fall_v into_o the_o sickness_n whereof_o he_o die_v short_o after_o but_o i_o go_v to_o attend_v and_o recover_v he_o whilst_o myself_o be_v more_o sick_a in_o soul_n than_o he_o be_v in_o body_n through_o many_o vanity_n of_o i_o though_o yet_o not_o in_o such_o sort_n as_o that_o according_a to_o my_o understanding_n i_o be_v in_o mortal_a sin_n even_o in_o all_o this_o worst_a &_o wicked_a time_n whereof_o i_o speak_v for_o certain_o if_o i_o have_v conceive_v otherwise_o i_o shall_v by_o no_o mean_n have_v continue_v therein_o i_o endure_v some_o affliction_n and_o trouble_v in_o his_o sickness_n and_o i_o think_v i_o also_o make_v he_o some_o part_n of_o poor_a amends_o for_o the_o pain_n which_o he_o have_v take_v with_o i_o in_o i_o for_o now_o be_v ill_a enough_o in_o myself_o i_o yet_o strain_v very_o hard_o to_o do_v he_o service_n and_o beside_o i_o well_o consider_v that_o by_o the_o only_o loss_n of_o he_o all_o my_o comfort_n and_o regalo_n be_v to_o be_v lose_v for_o it_o all_o be_v shut_v up_o in_o only_o he_o i_o animate_v myself_o also_o so_o much_o towards_z the_o not_o show_v he_o that_o i_o be_v in_o any_o pain_n and_o in_o continue_v so_o even_o till_o he_o expire_v as_o if_o i_o have_v feel_v no_o trouble_n at_o all_o though_o yet_o it_o be_v very_o true_a that_o when_o i_o see_v he_o come_v to_o be_v upon_o the_o very_a point_n to_o loose_v his_o life_n it_o seem_v to_o i_o as_o if_o my_o own_o very_a soul_n have_v then_o be_v tear_v out_o of_o my_o body_n for_o i_o love_v he_o much_o it_o be_v a_o thing_n to_o make_v our_o lord_n be_v high_o praise_v to_o see_v the_o death_n which_o my_o father_n die_v together_o with_o the_o desire_n which_o he_o also_o have_v to_o die_v and_o the_o counsel_n which_o he_o give_v we_o after_o he_o have_v receive_v extreme_a unction_n and_o how_o he_o charge_v we_o to_o recommend_v he_o to_o god_n and_o that_o we_o shall_v beg_v mercy_n of_o he_o for_o his_o soul_n and_o that_o we_o must_v serve_v he_o ever_o and_o consider_v that_o all_o this_o world_n must_v come_v to_o end_v with_o tear_n he_o also_o tell_v we_o how_o sad_a he_o be_v at_o the_o hart_n for_o not_o have_v serve_v his_o divine_a majesty_n better_o that_o he_o wish_v he_o be_v some_o religious_a man_n i_o mean_v that_o he_o have_v be_v so_o and_o that_o of_o the_o most_o strict_a who_o be_v in_o the_o world_n and_o i_o hold_v it_o for_o very_o certain_a that_o some_o fifteen_o day_n before_o our_o lord_n give_v he_o to_o understand_v that_o he_o be_v not_o to_o live_v because_o before_o that_o very_a time_n he_o do_v not_o think_v he_o be_v sick_a though_o yet_o he_o be_v so_o in_o good_a earnest_n but_o afterward_o though_o he_o seem_v to_o mend_v much_o in_o point_n of_o health_n and_o though_o the_o doctor_n bid_v he_o believe_v that_o there_o be_v no_o danger_n at_o all_o yet_o he_o make_v no_o account_n of_o that_o but_o only_o attend_v to_o put_v his_o soul_n in_o good_a order_n that_o sickness_n of_o he_o begin_v with_o a_o very_a grievous_a pain_n round_o about_o his_o shoulder_n which_o never_o leave_v he_o and_o sometime_o it_o press_v he_o
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he_o look_v even_o like_o a_o angel_n and_o as_o such_o in_o manner_n of_o speech_n he_o ever_o seem_v in_o my_o sight_n to_o be_v both_o in_o soul_n and_o disposition_n or_o humour_n which_o he_o have_v extreme_o good_a nor_o do_v i_o know_v why_o i_o have_v speak_v thus_o much_o of_o he_o unless_o it_o be_v to_o confess_v and_o accuse_v my_o own_o wickedness_n so_o much_o the_o more_o since_o upon_o the_o sight_n of_o such_o a_o death_n and_o the_o knowledge_n of_o such_o a_o life_n i_o ought_v to_o have_v amend_v and_o reform_v i_o if_o it_o have_v be_v but_o to_o grow_v the_o like_a to_o such_o a_o father_n his_o confessarius_fw-la who_o be_v a_o dominican_n and_o a_o great_a learned_a man_n affirm_v that_o he_o make_v no_o doubt_n but_o that_o my_o father_n will_v go_v straight_o to_o heaven_n for_o he_o who_o have_v confess_v he_o diverse_a year_n speak_v much_o of_o the_o great_a purity_n of_o his_o conscience_n this_o dominican_n father_n be_v a_o very_a worthy_a man_n and_o a_o true_a servant_n of_o god_n do_v i_o a_o great_a deal_n of_o good_a for_o i_o confess_v myself_o to_o he_o and_o he_o undertake_v the_o profit_n of_o my_o soul_n with_o care_n and_o to_o make_v i_o well_o understand_v the_o way_n of_o perdition_n wherein_o i_o be_v walk_v he_o cause_v i_o also_o to_o communicate_v every_o fifteen_o day_n and_o begin_v first_o to_o treat_v with_o he_o by_o little_a and_o little_a i_o speak_v with_o he_o afterward_o at_o length_n about_o my_o prayer_n and_o he_o tell_v i_o that_o i_o must_v not_o fail_v to_o use_v it_o and_o that_o it_o can_v not_o by_o any_o mean_n but_o do_v i_o good_a i_o begin_v therefore_o to_o use_v it_o again_o and_o from_o that_o time_n forward_o i_o never_o leave_v it_o though_o yet_o i_o do_v not_o for_o the_o present_a give-ove_a the_o occasion_n of_o my_o imperfection_n i_o therefore_o in_o the_o mean_a time_n pass_v a_o most_o sad_a life_n for_o in_o prayer_n i_o come_v to_o understand_v my_o fault_n on_o the_o one_o side_n i_o be_v call_v by_o almighty_a god_n and_o on_o the_o other_o i_o follow_v the_o world_n all_o those_o thing_n which_o belong_v to_o god_n give_v i_o great_a contentment_n but_o those_o thing_n which_o be_v of_o the_o world_n tie_v i_o up_o in_o chain_n and_o it_o seem_v i_o have_v a_o mind_n to_o make_v these_o two_o contraries_n friend_n which_o yet_o be_v so_o much_o in_o enmity_n with_o one_o another_o namely_o a_o spiritual_a life_n on_o the_o one_o side_n and_o sensual_a pastime_n contentment_n and_o delight_n on_o the_o other_o in_o my_o prayer_n i_o endure_v much_o trouble_n because_o now_o my_o spirit_n be_v grow_v to_o be_v no_o long_o a_o lord_n but_o a_o slave_n and_o therefore_o i_o be_v not_o able_a to_o shut_v myself_o up_o in_o my_o hart_n which_o be_v the_o only_o way_n of_o proceed_v i_o former_o have_v hold_v in_o my_o use_n of_o prayer_n without_o shut_v up_o a_o thousand_o vanity_n together_o with_o myself_o i_o pass_v so_o many_o year_n in_o this_o manner_n that_o now_o i_o be_o astonish_v to_o consider_v that_o any_o person_n shall_v be_v able_a to_o endure_v the_o not_o leave_v either_o the_o one_o or_o the_o other_o in_o so_o long_a a_o time_n i_o well_o know_v that_o now_o it_o be_v no_o long_o in_o my_o hand_n to_o give_v over_o mental_a prayer_n for_o he_o hold_v i_o now_o in_o his_o who_o resolve_v to_o do_v i_o great_a favour_n o_o that_o i_o can_v declare_v the_o occasion_n of_o do_v ill_a which_o god_n remove_v from_o i_o in_o those_o year_n and_o how_o i_o put_v myself_o again_o into_o they_o and_o of_o the_o danger_n wherein_o i_o be_v to_o loose_v all_o the_o opinion_n and_o reputation_n which_o i_o have_v in_o the_o world_n from_o which_o he_o free_v i_o and_o of_o the_o haste_n which_o i_o make_v to_o discover_v by_o my_o action_n what_o kind_n of_o creature_n i_o be_v and_o the_o haste_n which_o our_o lord_n make_v also_o to_o cover_v these_o fault_n and_o to_o discover_v some_o little_a virtue_n of_o i_o if_o there_o be_v any_o and_o to_o make_v the_o same_o seem_v great_a in_o the_o eye_n of_o all_o man_n in_o such_o sort_n as_o that_o they_o ever_o hold_v i_o in_o much_o account_n for_o though_o sometime_o my_o vanity_n will_v shine_v through_o my_o action_n yet_o they_o see_v other_o thing_n in_o i_o which_o appear_v good_a will_v not_o believe_v the_o ill_a but_o the_o true_a cause_n hereof_o be_v that_o the_o knower_n of_o all_o thing_n see_v that_o this_o be_v fit_a to_o be_v so_o ordain_v to_o the_o end_n that_o when_o afterward_o i_o shall_v come_v to_o persuade_v the_o world_n to_o do_v he_o service_n they_o may_v give_v i_o some_o little_a credit_n therein_o and_o that_o sovereign_a bounty_n of_o god_n do_v not_o so_o much_o consider_v my_o great_a sin_n as_o it_o do_v those_o desire_n which_o i_o have_v sometime_o to_o serve_v he_o and_o the_o great_a trouble_n i_o feel_v in_o myself_o for_o want_v power_n and_o strength_n to_o put_v the_o same_o in_o execution_n but_o o_o thou_o lord_n of_o my_o soul_n and_o how_o shall_v i_o ever_o be_v able_a to_o express_v with_o fullness_n and_o clearness_n enough_o the_o favour_n which_o thou_o show_v i_o in_o those_o year_n and_o how_o in_o that_o very_a time_n when_o i_o be_v offend_v thou_o most_o thou_o make_v such_o haste_n to_o dispose_v my_o soul_n to_o a_o most_o profound_a remorse_n and_o sorrow_n that_o so_o i_o may_v come_v to_o taste_v of_o thy_o regalo_n and_o great_a favour_n again_o the_o truth_n be_v o_o my_o king_n that_o thou_o do_v use_v the_o most_o curious_a and_o choice_a kind_n of_o sharp_a punishment_n which_o can_v possible_o to_o my_o think_n be_v find_v for_o i_o as_o one_o who_o do_v well_o understand_v what_o be_v likely_a to_o cost_v i_o the_o dear_a of_o all_o other_o thing_n for_o thou_o do_v punish_v those_o sin_n of_o i_o with_o great_a regalo_n and_o i_o think_v it_o be_v no_o impertinency_n which_o i_o utter_v though_o yet_o it_o be_v a_o kind_n of_o reason_n that_o i_o shall_v now_o even_o as_o it_o be_v lose_v my_o wit_n whilst_o i_o renew_v the_o memory_n of_o my_o ingratitude_n and_o malice_n towards_o thou_o but_o real_o it_o be_v so_o much_o a_o more_o painful_a and_o insupportable_a kind_n of_o thing_n for_o i_o to_o receive_v such_o favour_n upon_o the_o very_a neck_n of_o my_o have_v fall_v into_o so_o great_a offence_n than_o it_o will_v have_v be_v to_o endure_v grievous_a punishment_n that_o some_o one_o of_o those_o say_a favour_n so_o receive_v seem_v clear_o and_o very_o certain_o to_o have_v even_o overwrought_a and_o defeat_v and_o confound_v i_o more_o than_o all_o my_o infirmity_n and_o torment_n and_o other_o affliction_n put_v together_o be_v ever_o able_a to_o do_v for_o as_o for_o these_o latter_a affliction_n i_o find_v that_o i_o deserve_v they_o well_o and_o i_o think_v they_o may_v go_v in_o part_n by_o way_n of_o satisfaction_n for_o my_o sin_n though_o yet_o even_o in_o that_o kind_n of_o account_n i_o know_v that_o my_o sufferance_n be_v few_o for_o my_o offence_n which_o be_v so_o many_o and_o so_o very_o great_a but_o now_o to_o see_v myself_o receive_v so_o fresh_o so_o high_a favour_n while_o yet_o the_o while_n i_o make_v so_o ill_a retribution_n for_o those_o which_o i_o have_v receive_v before_o be_v in_o my_o account_n a_o kind_n of_o most_o terrible_a torment_n and_o i_o think_v it_o will_v be_v esteem_v so_o by_o all_o such_o as_o have_v any_o knowledge_n or_o love_n of_o god_n and_o we_o may_v easy_o find_v this_o to_o be_v true_a even_o by_o the_o natural_a condition_n of_o person_n
our_o lord_n himself_o bear_v their_o charge_n since_o for_o the_o little_a pain_n they_o take_v he_o give_v they_o so_o much_o gust_n that_o so_o they_o may_v the_o better_o be_v able_a to_o endure_v the_o take_n of_o that_o pain_n in_o his_o company_n of_o these_o gust_n which_o our_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o give_v to_o such_o as_o persevere_v in_o the_o exercise_n of_o mental_a prayer_n there_o shall_v be_v more_o discourse_n hereafter_o and_o i_o will_v not_o make_v it_o here_o only_o this_o i_o will_v be_v bold_a to_o say_v that_o of_o all_o those_o so_o great_a favour_n which_o it_o ever_o please_v our_o lord_n to_o do_v i_o the_o very_a gate_n be_v prayer_n and_o if_o that_o come_v once_o to_o be_v shut_v i_o know_v not_o how_o god_n shall_v do_v we_o favour_n for_o though_o he_o shall_v have_v a_o mind_n to_o enter_v into_o a_o soul_n to_o regale_n both_o it_o and_o himself_o in_o it_o there_o be_v no_o mean_n by_o which_o to_o do_v it_o since_o he_o must_v have_v it_o all_o to_o himself_o and_o it_o must_v be_v clean_o and_o pure_a and_o it_o must_v also_o have_v a_o great_a desire_n to_o receive_v favour_n and_o if_o ourselves_o on_o the_o other_o side_n bring_v many_o impediment_n and_o take_v no_o course_n to_o remove_v they_o how_o shall_v we_o ever_o think_v he_o can_v come_v to_o we_o and_o how_o can_v we_o conceive_v that_o he_o will_v help_v we_o now_o to_o the_o end_n that_o his_o mercy_n may_v be_v see_v and_o the_o great_a benefit_n which_o it_o be_v for_o i_o not_o to_o have_v give_v over_o my_o pray_v and_o read_v i_o will_v here_o declare_v since_o the_o understanding_n of_o it_o import_v so_o much_o what_o battery_n the_o devil_n raise_v against_o a_o soul_n to_o gain_v it_o and_o what_o diligence_n and_o as_o it_o be_v art_n and_o mercy_n be_v use_v by_o b._n lord_n for_o procure_v to_o reduce_v it_o to_o himself_o that_o so_o other_o may_v preserve_v themselves_o from_o those_o danger_n from_o which_o i_o keep_v not_o myself_o and_o above_o all_o thing_n i_o humble_o desire_v man_n for_o that_o great_a love_n wherewith_o our_o lord_n go_v endeavour_v to_o win_v we_o back_o again_o to_o himself_o that_o they_o will_v keep_v themselves_o careful_o out_o of_o the_o this_o occasion_n of_o sin_n for_o when_o once_o we_o be_v engage_v therein_o there_o be_v no_o trust_n or_o confidence_n to_o be_v have_v where_o we_o be_v encounter_v and_o assault_v by_o so_o many_o enemy_n whilst_o we_o the_o while_n be_v subject_a to_o such_o weakness_n which_o disable_v we_o to_o make_v any_o defence_n i_o will_v fain_o be_v able_a here_o to_o make_v a_o draught_n and_o description_n of_o that_o captivity_n wherein_o my_o soul_n be_v at_o those_o time_n for_o i_o well_o understand_v myself_o to_o be_v in_o captivity_n and_o yet_o i_o can_v not_o tell_v very_o well_o to_o what_o i_o whas_fw-ge a_o slave_n nor_o can_v i_o entire_o believe_v that_o that_o which_o my_o confessor_n think_v fit_a to_o aggravate_v no_o more_o be_v so_o very_o ill_o as_o yet_o i_o be_v apt_a to_o find_v it_o a_o certain_a person_n tell_v i_o when_o i_o go_v to_o he_o once_o with_o a_o scruple_n that_o error_n although_o i_o be_v in_o state_n of_o use_v high_a contemplation_n yet_o such_o occasion_n and_o conversation_n be_v of_o no_o inconvenience_n to_o i_o this_o happen_v to_o i_o towards_o the_o latter_a end_n when_o i_o by_o the_o favour_n of_o god_n go_v separate_v myself_o more_o and_o more_o from_o great_a danger_n but_o yet_o i_o do_v not_o whole_o avoid_v occasion_n but_o now_o when_o they_o observe_v my_o good_a desire_n and_o my_o exercise_n of_o mental_a prayer_n they_o think_v i_o do_v great_a matter_n but_o as_o for_o i_o my_o soul_n understand_v well_o enough_o that_o it_o be_v not_o so_o much_o as_o to_o perform_v what_o i_o be_v oblige_v for_o one_o to_o who_o i_o owe_v so_o much_o i_o have_v now_o both_o pity_n and_o grief_n to_o consider_v how_o much_o my_o soul_n suffer_v at_o that_o time_n and_o the_o little_a 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nor_o do_v i_o know_v or_o believe_v that_o it_o be_v i_o who_o be_o speak_v thus_o ever_o since_o i_o receive_v the_o b._n sacrament_n this_o morning_n for_o i_o think_v i_o do_v but_o dream_v of_o what_o i_o see_v and_o i_o will_v be_v glad_a not_o to_o see_v any_o other_o than_o such_o as_o be_v sick_a of_o that_o very_a same_o disease_n which_o be_v now_o upon_o i_o i_o humble_o beseech_v your_o reverence_n that_o we_o may_v all_o become_v like_o mad_a fool_n for_o his_o love_n who_o be_v content_a to_o be_v call_v fool_n for_o the_o love_n of_o us._n and_o since_o your_o reverence_n say_v that_o you_o wish_v i_o so_o cordial_o well_o i_o desire_v that_o you_o will_v show_v it_o by_o dispose_v yourself_o in_o such_o sort_n as_o that_o our_o lord_n may_v do_v you_o this_o favour_n for_o i_o see_v there_o be_v very_o few_o man_n who_o have_v not_o more_o wit_n than_o even_o they_o need_v for_o the_o effect_v such_o thing_n as_o they_o hold_v to_o concern_v they_o but_o now_o 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in_o their_o heart_n as_o the_o apostle_n be_v and_o so_o their_o flame_n falls-out_a to_o give_v but_o very_o little_a heat_n i_o say_v not_o that_o i_o expect_v that_o it_o shall_v be_v so_o great_a as_o they_o be_v but_o yet_o i_o hearty_o wish_v that_o it_o be_v great_a than_o i_o can_v now_o find_v it_o be_v your_o reverence_n know_v in_o what_o very_o much_o will_v consist_v namely_o in_o have_v this_o life_n of_o we_o in_o detestation_n and_o honour_n in_o very_o little_a estimation_n and_o that_o rather_o than_o fail_v both_o to_o speak_v truth_n and_o to_o maintain_v it_o for_o the_o glory_n of_o almighty_a god_n we_o will_v be_v as_o well_o content_v to_o loose_v all_o as_o to_o gain_v all_o for_o whosoever_o be_v resolve_v in_o very_o good_a earnest_n to_o put_v it_o all_o to_o hazard_v for_o the_o love_n of_o our_o bless_a lord_n will_v be_v as_o well_o content_a with_o the_o one_o as_o with_o the_o other_o i_o say_v not_o that_o i_o be_o any_o such_o creature_n but_o i_o hearty_o wish_v i_o be_v o_o great_a and_o gallant_a liberty_n to_o esteem_v it_o for_o a_o direct_a captivity_n to_o be_v bind_v to_o live_v and_o converse_v according_a to_o the_o law_n of_o this_o world_n for_o when_o this_o be_v once_o obtain_v at_o the_o hand_n of_o almighty_a god_n there_o be_v not_o so_o base_a a_o slave_n upon_o earth_n as_o will_v not_o venture_v all_o that_o so_o he_o may_v redeem_v himself_o and_o return_v home_o to_o his_o own_o country_n and_o since_o this_o wherein_o we_o be_v be_v the_o true_a way_n there_o be_v neither_o cause_n nor_o colour_n why_o we_o shall_v desire_v to_o loiter_v in_o it_o for_o we_o shall_v never_o finish_v the_o gain_n of_o so_o great_a a_o treasure_n till_o our_o lord_n give_v we_o his_o grace_n to_o do_v it_o well_o i_o humble_o pray_v your_o reverence_n to_o tear_v this_o which_o i_o have_v write_v if_o you_o think_v fit_a and_o pardon_v i_o for_o i_o have_v presume_v too_o far_o the_o seaventeenth_n chapter_n she_o prosecute_v the_o same_o argument_n about_o this_o three_o degree_n of_o prayer_n and_o finish_v the_o declaration_n of_o the_o effect_n which_o it_o work_n and_o declare_v also_o the_o disadvantage_n which_o the_o memory_n and_o imagination_n be_v wont_a to_o bring_v in_o this_o case_n i_o have_v already_o speak_v to_o some_o good_a proportion_n of_o this_o manner_n of_o prayer_n and_o of_o that_o which_o the_o soul_n be_v to_o perform_v therein_o or_o rather_o of_o what_o god_n do_v in_o she_o for_o now_o it_o be_v himself_o who_o take_v the_o office_n of_o gardner_n
together_o with_o the_o body_n and_o so_o both_o of_o they_o participate_v therein_o and_o it_o be_v not_o also_o with_o that_o extremity_n of_o be_v as_o it_o be_v abandon_v and_o utter_o forsake_v which_o yet_o abound_v in_o this_o wherein_o as_o i_o be_v say_v we_o have_v no_o part_n at_o all_o ourselves_o but_o there_o often_o come_v a_o kind_n of_o desire_n unreasonable_o and_o unexpected_o upon_o we_o and_o i_o know_v not_o from_o whence_o it_o move_v and_o upon_o this_o desire_n which_o penetrate_v the_o whole_a soul_n even_o at_o one_o very_a instant_n she_o begin_v to_o afflict_v and_o even_o belabour_v herself_o so_o as_o that_o she_o rise_v much_o above_o herself_o and_o indeed_o above_o whatsoever_o be_v create_v and_o almighty_a god_n be_v please_v to_o make_v she_o so_o very_o desolate_a &_o disgu_v in_o order_n to_o all_o temporal_a thing_n that_o how_o much_o soever_o she_o may_v labour_v and_o endeavour_v to_o the_o contrary_a there_o be_v nothing_o in_o this_o world_n which_o will_v either_o accompany_v she_o or_o whereby_o she_o will_v be_v glad_a to_o be_v accompany_v but_o even_o direct_o to_o die_v in_o that_o solitude_n for_o if_o any_o body_n speak_v to_o she_o or_o if_o she_o will_v employ_v all_o the_o power_n which_o possible_o she_o may_v have_v to_o speak_v to_o other_o it_o serve_v to_o very_o little_a purpose_n for_o her_o spirit_n do_v what_o she_o can_v do_v still_o not_o depart_v from_o make_v she_o find_v herself_o to_o be_v perfect_o alone_a and_o though_o it_o seem_v to_o i_o as_o if_o almighty_a god_n be_v then_o extreme_o remote_a from_o she_o yet_o at_o time_n he_o communicate_v his_o greatness_n to_o she_o by_o a_o manner_n the_o most_o high_o strange_a that_o can_v be_v imagine_v yea_o and_o more_o strange_a then_o can_v possible_o be_v express_v nor_o do_v i_o believe_v that_o any_o other_o creature_n will_v either_o believe_v it_o or_o can_v understand_v it_o but_o only_o some_o such_o person_n as_o may_v have_v feel_v it_o 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she_o will_v be_v glad_a that_o during_o all_o that_o life_n which_o may_v last_o she_o may_v continue_v in_o that_o state_n of_o sufferance_n though_o yet_o still_o it_o be_v so_o very_o excessive_a that_o the_o person_n be_v scarce_o able_a to_o endure_v it_o for_o sometime_o i_o be_o in_o effect_n without_o any_o pulse_n at_o all_o as_o my_o sister_n tell_v i_o who_o then_o come_v towards_o i_o to_o see_v what_o pass_v for_o now_o they_o begin_v a_o little_a to_o understand_v more_o of_o the_o case_n and_o the_o bone_n of_o my_o very_a arm_n to_o which_o the_o joint_n be_v fasten_v grow_v then_o to_o be_v even_o open_v and_o my_o hand_n be_v so_o stark_o and_o
with_o they_o and_o if_o i_o can_v tell_v how_o and_o especial_o if_o i_o think_v that_o they_o will_v believe_v i_o for_o i_o recommend_v they_o very_o much_o to_o almighty_a god_n and_o i_o wish_v that_o it_o may_v do_v they_o good_a when_o a_o body_n resolve_v to_o venture_v his_o life_n he_o may_v in_o effect_n do_v what_o he_o list_v and_o i_o desire_v very_o often_o to_o loose_v i_o for_o that_o be_v to_o venture_v little_a for_o the_o gain_n of_o much_o but_o now_o one_o may_v think_v that_o there_o be_v scarce_o any_o creature_n in_o the_o world_n who_o indeed_o live_v consider_v how_o gross_o visible_a that_o great_a deceit_n and_o error_n be_v which_o we_o carry_v about_o we_o and_o with_o what_o blindness_n we_o converse_v in_o this_o world_n but_o when_o once_o the_o soul_n come_v to_o the_o pass_n of_o this_o water_n they_o be_v not_o bare_a desire_n which_o she_o carry_v for_o the_o service_n of_o almighty_a god_n for_o then_o his_o divine_a majesty_n give_v her_o strength_n also_o to_o put_v they_o in_o execution_n nor_o can_v there_o any_o such_o thing_n be_v once_o represent_v to_o she_o wherein_o she_o may_v think_v to_o serve_v he_o upon_o which_o she_o will_v not_o cast_v herself_o all_o at_o once_o and_o yet_o she_o will_v think_v all_o the_o while_n that_o she_o be_v do_v nothing_o for_o now_o she_o see_v very_o clear_o that_o all_o thing_n be_v mere_o nothing_o which_o concern_v not_o the_o give_a gust_n to_o almighty_a god_n the_o only_o trouble_n in_o this_o case_n be_v that_o there_o be_v nothing_o indeed_o deserve_v true_o the_o name_n of_o trouble_n which_o will_v offer_v itself_o to_o any_o such_o person_n as_o be_v so_o very_o unprofitable_a as_o i_o be_o but_o be_v thou_o o_o my_o eternal_a good_a so_o well_o please_v as_o that_o once_o some_o such_o little_a moment_n of_o time_n may_v occur_v as_o wherein_o i_o may_v be_v able_a to_o pay_v the_o least_o imaginable_a crumb_n of_o all_o that_o great_a service_n which_o i_o owe_v thou_o ordain_v thou_o thing_n o_o my_o lord_n in_o what_o sort_n thou_o will_v so_o that_o yet_o this_o poor_a creature_n of_o thou_o may_v once_o be_v able_a to_o pay_v thou_o some_o little_a service_n there_o have_v be_v other_o manner_n of_o woman_n in_o the_o world_n who_o have_v do_v heroical_a thing_n for_o love_n of_o thou_o but_o i_o be_o good_a for_o nothing_o but_o to_o prate_v and_o so_o it_o be_v not_o thy_o pleasure_n o_o my_o lord_n to_o employ_v i_o about_o put_v any_o thing_n in_o execution_n but_o that_o all_o the_o service_n which_o i_o be_o to_o do_v thou_o must_v pass_v away_o in_o word_n and_o desire_n yea_o and_o even_o i_o have_v not_o liberty_n in_o this_o little_a and_o peradventure_o i_o shall_v be_v faulty_a in_o all_o but_o strengthen_v thou_o my_o soul_n and_o dispose_v of_o it_o first_o o_o thou_o the_o good_a of_o all_o good_n my_o dear_a jesus_n and_o then_o ordain_v thing_n in_o such_o sort_n as_o that_o i_o may_v once_o be_v able_a to_o do_v somewhat_o for_o thou_o and_o that_o there_o may_v be_v no_o such_o creature_n in_o the_o world_n as_o shall_v endure_v to_o receive_v so_o much_o and_o yet_o withal_o to_o pay_v nothing_o let_v it_o cost_v o_o my_o lord_n what_o it_o can_v but_o let_v not_o these_o hand_n of_o i_o appear_v always_o so_o very_o empty_a in_o thy_o presence_n since_o reward_n be_v to_o be_v set-out_v and_o give_v according_a to_o the_o work_n behold_v here_o be_v my_o life_n here_o be_v my_o honour_n and_o here_o be_v my_o will_n and_o thou_o know_v that_o i_o have_v give_v it_o all_o to_o thou_o and_o be_o entire_o thou_o and_o therefore_o dispose_v of_o i_o according_a to_o thy_o own_o good_a pleasure_n i_o see_v o_o my_o lord_n very_o well_o how_o little_a i_o be_o able_a to_o execute_v but_o yet_o be_v now_o come_v to_o thou_o and_o have_v mounted-up_a to_o this_o tower_n from_o which_o truth_n be_v true_o discover_v if_o thou_o depart_v not_o from_o i_o there_o be_v nothing_o which_o i_o shall_v not_o be_v able_a to_o perform_v and_o yet_o if_o thou_o depart_v how_o little_a soever_o that_o may_v be_v i_o be_o to_o go_v where_o i_o be_v which_o be_v into_o a_o kind_n of_o be_v in_o hell_n o_o what_o it_o be_v for_o a_o soul_n which_o find_v herself_o in_o such_o condition_n as_o this_o to_o be_v put_v to_o return_v again_o to_o converse_v in_o the_o world_n and_o to_o behold_v and_o see_v the_o antic_a and_o fantastical_a puppet-plays_a of_o this_o life_n which_o be_v so_o ridiculous_o order_v and_o to_o spend_v time_n in_o comply_v with_o this_o body_n of_o we_o both_o by_o sleep_v and_o eat_v for_o all_o this_o weary_v the_o soul_n which_o know_v not_o how_o to_o escape_v from_o thence_o but_o find_v itself_o to_o be_v surprise_v and_o enchain_v it_o than_o see_v much_o more_o evident_o the_o true_a captivity_n wherein_o we_o remain_v by_o the_o very_a condition_n of_o these_o body_n of_o we_o and_o by_o the_o misery_n of_o these_o life_n which_o we_o lead_v and_o then_o we_o come_v to_o know_v very_o well_o the_o much_o reason_n which_o s._n paul_n have_v to_o beseech_v almighty_a god_n to_o deliver_v he_o from_o it_o wherein_o he_o cryes-out_a aloud_o and_o beg_v liberty_n of_o his_o divine_a majesty_n as_o i_o have_v former_o say_v but_o now_o this_o be_v often_o do_v with_o so_o very_o great_a impulse_n of_o mind_n that_o the_o soul_n will_v even_o fain_o get_v out_o of_o the_o body_n in_o pursuit_n of_o this_o liberty_n and_o in_o the_o mean_a time_n since_o she_o can_v be_v free_v she_o expression_n walk_v up_o and_o down_o the_o world_n like_o one_o who_o be_v sell_v for_o some_o slave_n to_o serve_v and_o play_v the_o drudge_n in_o a_o strange_a country_n and_o that_o which_o afflict_v she_o yet_o more_o be_v that_o she_o know_v not_o how_o to_o meet_v with_o many_o who_o will_v be_v so_o well_o dispose_v as_o to_o lament_v with_o she_o and_o to_o desire_v that_o which_o she_o desire_v for_o they_o ordinary_o desire_v but_o to_o live_v o_o that_o once_o we_o may_v be_v untie_v from_o all_o thing_n and_o that_o we_o may_v not_o place_v our_o contentment_n in_o any_o thing_n of_o this_o world_n how_o will_v then_o that_o pain_n which_o we_o shall_v find_v to_o be_v live_v always_o without_o god_n appease_v and_o temper_v the_o fear_n of_o death_n through_o the_o desire_n which_o by_o this_o mean_n we_o shall_v have_v of_o attain_v to_o the_o fruition_n of_o eternal_a life_n sometime_o when_o i_o be_o consider_v how_o such_o a_o creature_n as_o i_o to_o who_o our_o lord_n have_v give_v this_o light_n with_o such_o a_o imperfect_a kind_n of_o charity_n as_o i_o possess_v and_o with_o so_o poor_a repose_n as_o i_o enjoy_v since_o my_o life_n have_v deserve_v no_o better_a can_v yet_o so_o often_o find_v myself_o in_o distress_n for_o be_v in_o this_o bannishment_n of_o i_o i_o may_v easy_o grow_v to_o imagine_v what_o kind_n of_o sense_n and_o feeling_n that_o will_v be_v which_o saint_n have_v have_v in_o this_o case_n and_o what_o kind_n of_o commotion_n a_o s._n paul_n and_o a_o s._n marie_n magdalen_n and_o such_o other_o like_o they_o will_v find_v in_o themselves_o in_o who_o the_o fire_n of_o the_o love_n of_o almighty_a god_n do_v reign_v it_o must_v certain_o have_v be_v a_o continual_a martyrdom_n to_o they_o to_o i_o it_o seem_v that_o all_o the_o ease_n or_o rather_o indeed_o absence_n of_o pain_n which_o i_o may_v be_v able_a to_o find_v in_o this_o world_n be_v but_o to_o treat_v with_o some_o such_o person_n as_o in_o who_o i_o may_v be_v able_a to_o meet_v with_o such_o desire_n as_o these_o i_o say_v desire_n with_o deed_n and_o i_o say_v yet_o again_o with_o deed_n for_o there_o be_v certain_a people_n in_o the_o world_n who_o if_o you_o will_v believe_v themselves_o be_v absolute_o untie_v from_o the_o world_n &_o so_o they_o publish_v that_o they_o be_v and_o so_o indeed_o it_o be_v very_o fit_a they_o be_v because_o even_o their_o very_a profession_n and_o condition_n require_v as_o much_o and_o so_o also_o do_v those_o many_o year_n since_o they_o begin_v to_o enter_v into_o the_o way_n of_o perfection_n but_o yet_o this_o soul_n of_o i_o know_v well_o how_o to_o find_v a_o difference_n even_o from_o far_o off_o between_o such_o as_o desire_v these_o thing_n but_o in_o word_n and_o such_o other_o as_o confirm_v their_o word_n by_o their_o work_n for_o she_o know_v how_o to_o understand_v very_o well_o the_o little_a good_a which_o these_o do_v in_o the_o world_n and_o the_o much_o which_o be_v do_v by_o those_o other_o and_o indeed_o this_o be_v such_o a_o kind_n of_o thing_n as_o
that_o time_n to_o give_v they_o the_o habit._n but_o now_o since_o the_o house_n where_o the_o monastery_n fall_v out_o to_o be_v make_v be_v that_o wherein_o my_o brother-in-law_n have_v dwell_v before_o for_o he_o as_o i_o say_v have_v buy_v it_o the_o better_a to_o disguise_v this_o business_n i_o have_v leave_v to_o stay_v there_o and_o i_o do_v nothing_o at_o all_o but_o by_o the_o opinion_n of_o learned_a man_n that_o so_o i_o may_v be_v sure_a not_o to_o depart_v one_o hair_n breadth_n from_o my_o obedience_n and_o when_o they_o see_v that_o the_o thing_n be_v to_o be_v so_o advantageous_a to_o the_o whole_a order_n in_o many_o respect_n they_o tell_v i_o i_o may_v do_v as_o i_o do_v though_o yet_o it_o be_v fit_a to_o proceed_v with_o great_a reservation_n and_o secrecy_n and_o to_o take_v care_n that_o my_o superior_n may_v not_o know_v what_o i_o be_v do_v for_o how_o little_a soever_o the_o imperfection_n have_v be_v which_o i_o must_v have_v commit_v therein_o i_o conceive_v that_o i_o will_v have_v given-ove_a the_o erect_n i_o say_v not_o of_o one_o monastery_n but_o of_o a_o thousand_o rather_o than_o have_v fall_v into_o it_o and_o this_o be_v certain_a and_o though_o i_o desire_v to_o sever_v myself_o whole_o from_o the_o world_n that_o so_o i_o may_v follow_v my_o profession_n and_o call_v with_o more_o perfection_n and_o clausure_n i_o desire_v it_o yet_o in_o such_o sort_n as_o that_o whensoever_o i_o shall_v come_v to_o understand_v that_o it_o be_v to_o be_v for_o the_o great_a service_n of_o almighty_a god_n to_o give_v it_o over_o i_o will_v instant_o have_v be_v sure_a to_o do_v it_o with_o entire_a peace_n and_o repose_v but_o the_o while_n it_o be_v a_o kind_n of_o be_v even_o in_o glory_n for_o i_o to_o see_v the_o b._n sacrament_n expose_v and_o that_o four_o poor_a poor_a orphan_n be_v provide_v for_o since_o they_o be_v take_v without_o dowry_n and_o they_o be_v very_o great_a servant_n of_o almighty_a god_n for_o this_o be_v much_o endeavour_v at_o the_o begin_n that_o such_o person_n shall_v enter_v and_o be_v receive_v as_o may_v lay_v a_o good_a foundation_n by_o their_o example_n for_o the_o better_a effect_v the_o intention_n and_o design_n which_o we_o have_v to_o carry_v all_o thing_n on_o with_o much_o perfection_n and_o prayer_n and_o that_o such_o a_o work_n in_o fine_a may_v be_v finish_v as_o be_v to_o prove_v for_o the_o service_n of_o our_o bless_a lord_n and_o in_o honour_n of_o the_o habit_n of_o his_o glorious_a mother_n for_o upon_o this_o do_v all_o the_o anxiety_n of_o my_o care_n work_n and_o beat_v and_o it_o give_v i_o also_o great_a comfort_n to_o have_v do_v express_o that_o which_o our_o bless_a lord_n have_v be_v please_v to_o command_v i_o and_o that_o there_o may_v be_v one_o church_n more_o and_o the_o same_o be_v dedicate_v under_o the_o name_n of_o my_o glorious_a father_n s._n joseph_n then_o there_o be_v before_o not_o yet_o that_o i_o conceive_v myself_o to_o have_v do_v any_o thing_n in_o it_o at_o all_o for_o i_o never_o have_v any_o such_o conceit_n neither_o have_v i_o yet_o but_o i_o ever_o understand_v that_o it_o be_v our_o bless_a lord_n who_o do_v it_o and_o that_o as_o much_o as_o concern_v my_o part_n be_v accompany_v with_o so_o great_a imperfection_n that_o i_o rather_o plain_o see_v that_o there_o be_v much_o more_o for_o which_o to_o blame_v i_o then_o to_o thank_v i_o but_o yet_o i_o must_v confess_v that_o it_o go_v with_o i_o for_o a_o great_a regalo_n to_o see_v that_o his_o divine_a majesty_n be_v please_v to_o use_v i_o as_o a_o instrument_n i_o be_v so_o very_o wicked_a as_o i_o be_o for_o so_o great_a a_o work_n as_o this_o so_o that_o in_o fine_a i_o remain_v with_o much_o satisfaction_n and_o gust_n in_o this_o behalf_n and_o as_o it_o be_v even_o out_o of_o myself_o in_o great_a depth_n of_o prayer_n but_o now_o upon_o the_o end_n of_o all_o this_o which_o may_v last_o about_o some_o three_o or_o four_o hour_n the_o devil_n 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and_o so_o by_o those_o degree_n to_o loose_v my_o soul_n such_o thing_n as_o these_o assemble_v in_o such_o sort_n as_o i_o have_v relate_v do_v the_o devil_n take_v care_n to_o set_v before_o i_o and_o so_o as_o that_o it_o be_v not_o almost_o in_o my_o power_n so_o much_o as_o once_o to_o think_v of_o any_o thing_n else_o and_o by_o this_o mean_n do_v he_o bring_v such_o a_o affliction_n and_o obscurity_n or_o rather_o downright_a darkness_n upon_o my_o hart_n as_o i_o be_o not_o able_a to_o express_v but_o now_o when_o i_o find_v myself_o to_o be_v in_o this_o case_n i_o go_v to_o visit_v the_o bless_a sacrament_n though_o yet_o i_o be_v not_o able_a to_o recommend_v my_o soul_n to_o it_o as_o find_v myself_o in_o my_o opinion_n with_o a_o certain_a kind_n of_o profound_a affliction_n as_o if_o then_o i_o have_v be_v in_o no_o less_o than_o the_o very_a agony_n of_o death_n to_o treat_v with_o any_o body_n about_o it_o i_o be_v not_o yet_o to_o presume_v for_o there_o be_v not_o yet_o so_o much_o as_o a_o ghostly_a father_n appoint_v for_o i_o o_o my_o dear_a lord_n what_o a_o miserable_a kind_n of_o life_n be_v this_o which_o we_o lead_v where_o there_o be_v no_o secure_a contentment_n nor_o any_o thing_n which_o be_v not_o subject_a to_o change_v it_o thus_o be_v so_o very_o very_o late_o that_o i_o think_v i_o will_v not_o have_v exchange_v my_o condition_n in_o the_o way_n of_o be_v content_a with_o any_o creature_n of_o the_o whole_a world_n and_o now_o the_o selfsame_a cause_n even_o of_o the_o selfsame_a contentment_n do_v so_o torment_v i_o