things for by meanes of such blessings as these doth our Lord impart that Fortitude to vs which we lost by our Sinnes And he should but vnluckily desire and exhort a man to despise and abhorre the world and encourage him to acquire all those great vertues which Christians of high perfection vse to possesse if he were not vpheld therein by a Liuelie Faith and by his hauing also felt some assurance of the loue which our Lord was pleased to beare him For naturally we are so very dead that we looke not after anie thing but that which we see at the present and so these verie Fauours are the things which awake strengthen our Faith I say not but that it may very well be that I being so very wicked am apt to iudge of others by my self that those others may need no more then the verie light and truth of Faith for the making their workes very perfect but I as very miserable haue beē in need of all possible helps Others may well say what they please but I relate what hath occurred to me as they who haue power ouer me cōmand and if he to whome I send it doe not like it he may teare it as knowing better then I what is vnfitt Whome I humbly beseech euen for the loue of our Blessed Lord that whatsoeuer I haue sayd hitherto concerning my wicked Life and my Sinnes he will publish it and from this instant I giue leaue both to him and all them who haue been my Ghostlie Fathers of which number he is to whome this goes addressed that they doe it euen now whilst I am liuing to the end that euen now I may deceaue the vvorld no longer vvhich els perhaps may thinke that there is some good thing in me and really and very really I speake truth to the best that I can novv vnderstand of my self that he shall giue me great comfort if he vvill doe it But as for that vvhich shall follovv heerafter in this Discourse I allovv him no such libertie at all nor vvill I by anie meanes giue vvay that if they chance to shevv the thing to anie Creature they declare vvho that person is vvith vvhome it passed nor vvho vvrote it and for this reason haue I forborne to name either my self or anie other vvho hath interuened to the Storie But I haue done the best I could to vvrite it so as that I may not be knowne and I desire for the loue of our Lord that it may euer remaine as a Secret For it vvill suffice that there are so learned and graue persons as may authorize anie thing vvhich is good if our Lord vvill giue me grace to relate it and if there be it must be his and not mine for they only vvho command me to vvrite it knovv that I vvrite it and at the present they are not heer and I vvrite it also as it vvere by stealth and vvith vvant of time and vvith some trouble because I am kept from spinning and I liue in a poore House and haue busines enough and if our Lord gaue me more abilitie and memorie of both vvhich I haue very little I might yet by meanes thereof serue my self of vvhat I had heard or read So that if I say anie thing vvhich is good our Lord vvill serue himself of it for some good end but vvhatsoeuer is ill sayd vvill be mine owne and that your Reuerence may blot out And both for the one and for the other there vvill be no reason at all to declare my name During anie bodies life it is cleare that the good he doth is not to be related and after death it vvill also serue for nothing in this case but only to make it loose all authoritie and credit for hauing been recounted by a person so base and so vvicked as my self And because I hope you vvill doe that vvhich I say and I humbly beg it of you euen for the loue of our Lord and of those others also vvho are to see it I write as you see vvith all libertie and clearnes for otherwise I should haue great scruple to doe it but only for the meer declaration of my Sinnes and in that I haue none at all As for other things it is enough that I am a woemā to make my wings fall downe flatt by my sides and hovv much more then since I am not only a weoman but a wicked woeman And therefore whatsoeuer your Reuerence shall finde heer beyond the bare relation of the course of my Life you must take to be only for your self since you would needs importune me so farre as to make you some declaration of the Fauours which our Lord had been pleased to doe me in Prayer supposing euer that you hold them to be in conformitie with the Truths of our Holie Catholick Faith for if not you are instantly to burne it and to this Direction I will stand So that I will declare what passed with me in this kinde to the end that if it shall proue conforme to Catholick truth it may be of some seruice to you and if not that you may be the better able to vndeceaue my Soule and so the Diuel may get nothing by that whereby I tooke my self to gaine For our Lord knowes that I euer haue procured to meet with persons who might giue me light as I shall shew afterward But how clearly soeuer I shall striue to declare these things concerning Prayer it will fall out to be obscure enough for such as haue no experience therein I will touch also vpon some impediments which according to my way of vnderstanding vse to oppose themselues against such persons as are walking on in this way and I will also point at some others in which there may be some danger according to what our Lord hath taught me by experience And I haue since treated with great learned men and persons who had giuen themselues to Spirit manie yeares and they see that his Diuine Maiestie hath vouchsafed me in seauen and twentie yeares wherein I haue vsed Mētall Prayer though I haue walked on so ill with so manie stumbling blocks in the way that experience which he hath not allowed to others in seauen and thirtie yea and in seauen and fourtie yeares whilst yet they had spent their liues in Pennance and euer in a course of Vertue Let him be Blessed for all and I be seech his Diuine Maiestie euen by what he is himself that he will vouchsafe to be serued by me For my deare Lord knowes very well that I pretend no other thing by this but only that he may be a little the more exalted and praised when you see that he would needs plant a Garden of so sweet Flowers vpon and in a Dung-hill so fowle and filthie and of so very ill fauour as I am I humbly beseech his Diuine Maiestie that I returne not through my fault to pluck them all vp by the rootes and so become againe
vpon him and he will haue her take her case and only that the Will may accept of those Fauours which she enioyes and she must offer her self to goe through with all that which he who is true Wisdome shall be pleased to ordaine for which purpose there is really need of a great deale of courage For so great * and high vses that ioy to be that sometimes it seems that there needs not so much as a haires breadth for making the Soule goe instantly out of that Bodie and O what a happie death would that be And heer me thinkes that comes in very well which once was sayd to your Reuerence that you must leaue your self wholy in the Armes of God If he will carrie you to Heauen That you goe If to Hell there will be no torment there so that you be with him who is your totall good If instantly to make an end of this life That you desire nothing els And yet that you be as well pleased if yet he will haue you liue a thousand yeares Let his Diuine Maiestie dispose of you as of a thing which is properly his owne for your Soule is now no longer yours but it wholy belongs to our Lord and therefore you must be altogeather out of care Now I say that in so eleuated and high a Prayer as this she vnderstands that she can performe it without anie wearines at all to the Vnderstanding for when God giues this Prayer to a Soule she is able to doe all this yea and can also worke other manner of effects then these Only me thinkes she is as it were amazed to see our Lord performe the Office of a good Gardner so well and is not pleased that she should take anie trouble or paines but only that she is to delight her self in beginning to enioy the odour of those Flowers For in one such approach as this how little a while soeuer it may last such a kind of Gardner this is for he is the Creatour of the Water and he giues it so very freely beyond measure that what this single poore Soule was not able to assemble by the labour of tyring-out her Vnderstanding in twentie yeares togeather this Celestiall Gardner doth it all in one moment of time and the Fruit doth so grow and become ripe that it is able through the good pleasure of our Lord to sustaine the Owner thereof and to enable him to liue vpon the gaine which he makes by it Only he giues not this Soule leaue to Present of this Fruit to others till such time as she be growne strong by what her self hath eaten of it and she must not squander it away in trying idly how it tasts For so she not valuing the profit which she might make by it nor they paying her anie thing for it to whome she gaue it she comes to maintaine and feed them vp at her cost whilst her self may by degrees grow to be readie to dye of hungar This will perhaps be well comprehended by them who haue a right kind of vnderstanding and will know how to apply it better then I can declare it and now I am euen wearie to thinke if it In a word the truth is this that the vertues which are obtained in this Prayer remaine so much stronger heer then in the Prayer of Quiet whereof I spake before that the Soule cannot be ignorant thereof For she finds her selfe to be wholy growne another kind of thing then she was and she beginnes she euen scarce knowes how to act and worke great things by the odour which the Flowers yeild of themselues For now our Lord is pleased that they may sprowt and open to the end that she may know she hath vertues though yet with all she see very clearly that she was not able to acquire and get them but that the Celestiall Gardner was pleased to impart them to her as it were at an instant The humilitie also of this Soule is much greater and more profound then in the former Prayer because she sees more clearly that her self did neither much nor little but only consent that our Lord might doe her those Fauours and she embrace them with her Will To me it seemes that there is in this kind of Prayer a very euident Vnion of the whole Soule with God saue that it also seemes that his Diuine Maiestie giues libertie to the Powers thereof to vnderstand and enioy the abundance of what he works therein Now it happens sometimes yea and manie times that the Will being thus vnited that your Reuerence may see both that this may be and may also be able to vnderstand it when you haue it and at least it puts me almost out of my witts therefore I relate it to you heer knowes and vnderstands that it is tyed-vp and bound and yet in condition of enioying I say againe it knowes that it self being the Will remaines in much Quiet whilst yet on the other side the Vnderstanding and Memorie are free and are able to treat of businesses to attend to certaine workes of Charitie Now though this seem to be all one with that which was spoken of in that other Discourse of Quiet Prayer yet it is different Because there the Soule is in such case as it would faine not stirr nor moue it self in that kinde of Prayer as enioying the leasure and contemplation of Marie I meane of S. Marie Magdalen Whereas heer in this Prayer she can also act the part of Martha So that she doth now in effect performe the offices both of the Actiue and of the Contemplatiue life and all at once and is able to exercise her self vpon those businesses and workes of Charitie which are incident to her condition And she can also read though yet still the Powers or Faculties of her Soule are not absolutly the Lords of themselues and still she vnderstāds well enough that the greatest part of her self that is to say her cheif attention and operation is somewhere els It is iust as if we were speaking with some one and that withall at the self same time some other person were speaking to vs in such sort as that we were not entirely attentiue either to the one or to the other But it is a thing which is perceaued very clearly and giues great satisfaction and contentment whensoeuer it ariues and it vses to be a very great preparation and disposition to the end that whensoeuer the Partie may be in anie Solitude or exemption from busines the Soule may instantly enioy a very perfect quietnes and repose This is a certaine Being as if a person receaued such a kinde of satisfaction and cessation of appetite in himself as that he would haue no need at all to eat but felt his stomack content in such sort as that he would not easily apply himself to tast of whatsoeuer should be set before him but yet withall that if he saw such meate as he liked he would not forbeare to
this Light nor yet of anie other thing at all which our Lord was pleased to giue me to vnderstand and that with such a soueraigne kind of delight as cannot possibly be declared For all our Senses enioy such a superiour degree of sweetnes that it can no way be fully expressed and therefore I thinke it will be best to say no more I had once been aboue an hower in this condition when our Lord shewed me admirable things and seeming not to depart from being neer me he spake these verie words to me See heer my Daughter vvhat they loose vvho are against me doe not thou forbeare to let them knovv it But O my deare Lord what good will my saying it doe to them whome their owne actions blind so deeply if thy Diuine Maiestie doe not giue them light Some there be to whome thou hast giuen it and they haue profited much by knowing those greatnesses of thine but yet O my Lord they see in such sort withall that they are shewed to such a wretched and miserable thing as my self that I cannot but esteem it a strange thing to find that anie Creature should beleiue me Blessed be thy name and thy mercie for at least I haue plainly seen an euident amendment in mine owne Soule and I would be glad if I might still remaine there and not come back to liue heer anie more For the contempt wherein I held this whole world was very great and it seemed to be no better then euen dung to me and now I find how basely we be employed who are detained therein Whilst I remained with that Ladie of whome I spoke before it hapned to me once when I was ill and euen sick at the hart for I haue formerly been subiect to this miserie though nothing so much of late she considering me with much charitie and compassion commanded that one day certaine Iewells of hers should be brought forth which she had of very great value and one in particular of Diamonds which was prized at a verie high rate Now she conceaued belike that this would recreate and reviue me but I smiled inwardly at her the while and had compassion to see how meane things men esteem when I considered what our Lord hath layd-vp for vs And I thought how impossible a thing it would be for me to put anie manner of value vpon such toyes as those euen though I should endeauour it vnlesse our Lord should first depriue me of the memorie of those other treasures But now this kind of Fauour giues so great a dominion to the Soule that I know not whether it can possibly be vnderstood but only by such persons as possesse it For it is the proper true and naturall discharge and vntying of the Soule from all things created and this growes absolutly without anie labour of our owne and Almightie God doth it all and then his Diuine Maiestie shewes these Truths and that so as to make them remaine imprinted and engrauen in the Soule and they serue also to make vs see clearly that it was not possible for vs to acquire them especially in so short a time by anie diligences of our owne Vpon this I also came to haue very little feare of death which formerly had been great in me but now it is growne to seem to be a thing of very much facilitie and ease for such as apply themselues to the Seruice of Almightie God For by death the Soule flyes out of prison in one moment and is not only put presently into libertie but enioyes an euerlasting rest and glory Now this way which is held by Almightie God in carrying the Spirit vp to shew her so excellent things in these Rapts seemes to beare a very close kind of conformitie with the passage of a Soule out of a Bodie at the hower of death since it growes euen at one instant to be so entirely inpossession of this Eternall Good But heer I lay aside the consideration of those sorrowes and paines which are felt when the Soule is torne out of the Bodie for we are to make little account of that and they also who loue God in good earnest and haue shaken hands with all the contentments of this life are certainly wont to dye with more sweetnes It also seemes to me that these Fauours did me very much good towards the bringing me into a knowledge of our true Countrie and to see that we were meer Pilgrims heer and it is a pretious kind of thing to find what passes there aboue and to vnderstand where in fine we are to liue for euer And whensoeuer one goes to settle and stay for good and all in anie Countrie it giues a great assistance towards the enduring all the incommodities of the iourney when we know that the end of it is to be such as that we may in fine be in great repose and happines when we get thither It is also heer obtained that with case we may grow able to consider Heauenlie things that so our conuersation may be there And this is a great kind of gaine since the onlie thinking of Heauen recollects the Soule in regard that our Lord being pleased to shew vs somewhat which passes there we are induced to pawse and thinke vpon it And sometimes it so falls out that they whome I know to liue there are the Soules who accompanie me and in whome I receaue most comfort and these indeed are they who seem to be truely aliue and those others on the other side who liue heer seem to be so very deadly dead as that this whole world put togeather cannot amount to be anie companie at all for me And especially when I find anie of these impulses or impetuosities in my self the whole world seemes to be but a verie Dreame and all the obiects of these corporeall eyes of mine a meer ieast and toy but that which already I haue seen with the eyes of my Soule that I say is the thing which she desires and because she finds her self to be yet farre off from thence this is that which is no lesse then euen death it self to my Soule In fine the Fauour is excessiuely great which our Lord vouchsafes to that Soule to whome he giues such Visions as these for they helpe her much in all things and particularly to the carrying of a certaine heauie Crosse which lyes vpon her For nothing can satisfye her now but euerie thing disgusts and checks her And if our Blessed Lord did not giue way that we might forget it sometimes though yet we remember it againe afterward I know not how we should be able to liue Let him be Blessed and praised for all Eternitie and I humbly begg of his Diuine Maiestie euen by that very pretious Bloud which his owne Sonne shed for me that since he hath vouchsafed that I should vnderstand somewhat of these benefits and blessings and that I should beginne to enioy them also in some kind euen in this life it
others of like condition that the conuersations vvhich she vsed and the contentments vvhich she tooke were lawfull That she conceaued not her self to be in Mortall Sinne for if she had knowne anie such thing of her self she would neuer haue endured it That she was euer a great enemie to detraction yea and that the vvorld vvas euer safe in that kind when she vvas present for euerie bodie vvho knew her knew also that she would not so much as endure that this Sinne should euer be cōmitted in her hearing That she was neuer any way subiect to Enuy And that she had also neuer obserued her self to offend Almighty God either by Hypocrisie or euen so much as Vaine-Glorie That she alwayes stuck so very fast to the truth of Holie Scripture and euen to the least Ceremonie of the Holie Catholick Church that rather then beleiue otherwise she vvould endure a thousand deaths That she vvas not cordially addicted to anie thing but to serue and please our Blessed Lord And that in fine the vvhole vvorld seemed to her to be no better then a very Hill of Ants. Now this vvas the verie truth of the Case and this was the state of our Saints Soule from the first to the last And yet vpon the cōsiderations which I touched before this Blessed and Heauenlie Creature I say Heauenlie euen vvhilst she vvas yet vpon Earth would needs conceaue her self once in Prayer not only to see but euen to feele her self to be in those verie torments of Hell vvhich she held her self as hath been sayd to haue deserued for her sinnes and vvhich indeed vvould haue been litterally and finally true if our Lord had not preuented her and accompanied her and conducted her by his Holie Spirit and Heauenlie grace without which what liuing Creature can be safe But that otherwise she had actually committed such sinnes as for which hose eternall tormēts might be indeed deserued seems to be but an vngrounded and vnsound opinion in realitie of truth For the constant excellencie of her Life was such as that she beganne at the first where others might be glad to end it namely with feruent and inflamed desires of Martyrdome euen when she was scarce eight yeares old and both continued finished the same afterward in such vertue and expresse sanctitie of the highest kind as that the world may be rather willing then able to admire it to such a proportion as it deserues And therefore that conceipt of her great Sinnes and of her deserued place also in Hell seemes partly to haue had the true foundation vpon the iealous and sollicitous and curious enamoured and inflamed Affections of the faithfull watchfull loyall laborious thoughts of our Glorious Saint which tended almost euer towards a complying in most perfect manner with the duties to which she held that she was liable in her self and with the Inspirations by which she was so constantly sollicited and called vpon and as it were euen Courted by the powerfull and pretious hart of our Blessed Lord and partly yea and peraduenture cheifly by the ill quarter which she conceiued and acknowledged her self to haue kept sometimes with our Blessed Lord by not corresponding with his heauenly grace and not complying with his holie Inspirations and commiting some neglects in that kinde whilst yet she was so enarnestly moued by his Diuine Maiestie to giue-ouer certaine naturall affections and recreations of hers In regard of which vnkindnesse towards Almightie God she might haue congruously deserued to be depriued of God's grace afterwards and then she might also haue falne by degrees not only into greater faults but euen into greiuous Sinnes which might truly haue been then ascribed to her former lesser offences And so it was meerly the vnspeakeable goodnes of Almightie God and no merit of hers that she was not permitted to fall by degrees euen as low as Hell it selfe Like a man who in a small distemper of bodie neglects the helpe of Phisitians and growes thereby afterward into mortall diseases death Now therefore in all such things as might concerne the estimation which she made of her self in order either to the excellencie or deformitie of her life there is and let the Glorious Saint forgiue me this errour once of speaking truth no credit at all to be giuen her because that subiect lyes but in the way of discourse all things in effect of that nature vse to be iust of that verie colour whereof those Glasses be through which they are seen and I haue already shewed that hers were of the partiall Cutt. But as for those other things which occurred to be set downe by her in the Historicall way or els which are related as hapning to the person of the writer in the vvay of fact whether it were more or lesse as namely that she did and suffered and sayd and heard and felt saw whatsoeuer she affirmed in those kinds whether it were in the Naturall or Supernaturall way there can be no question made as I haue shewed els where but that all was most certainly euen most punctually true For els she either must deceiue or be deceaued whereof the former were a great impietie but farre enough from her the latter all circumstances considered and especially in parriculars of that nature no lesse then a most impertinent absurditie to be either affirmed or beleiued as was partly touched before It is true that both in her Supernaturall Prayer and yet more in her Visions and Reuelations there are manie things which surpasse anie Vnderstanding which is but meerly Humane but so also are there in finit other Particulars in the Ecclesiasticall Historie concerning other Saints which howsoeuer they seem and are strange yea and much more strange then these yet are they generally and most iustly admitted to the degree of Morall beleif For as we Catholiques are instructed taught that on the one side we must not be so light or rather in fine to the end that things may haue their right names not so very weake and foolish as to beleiue strange and supernaturall things without a mightie deale of authoritie and proofe yea and the Church her self doth most bitterly Excommunicate whatsoeuer Creature in the world who shall knowingly propound anie false thing of this kinde to be beleiued so on the other side that they are most iustly to be held both rash and childish and foolish who beleiue not that which multitudes of the most and wisest and worthiest and learnedst and holiest men beleiue Though yet still in all these Cases wherein the Church hath not expresly declared her self we are not to beleiue things with Diuine Faith but only with a Morall humane beleif no nor euen so much as that but only when they are so abundantly proued to be true as that they can not rationally be denyed or euen doubted by anie prudent pious man For to resolue to beleiue nothing at all which is eleuated aboue the ordinarie
also with hauing begunne so to vse Prayer as that I might be able to carrie my paine with much conformitie to his holie will The conuersation of my hart was wholy with him and I carried these words of Iob very vsually both in my thought and in my mouth Since vve haue receaued blessings and benefits at the hand of our Lord vvhy should vve not also suffer afflictions And I conceaued that this holpe to giue me courage At length came the Feast of our B. Ladie in August for till then from the April before had my torment continued though yet it had been greater in the three last moneths I then made hast to goe to Confession for I euer tooke much contentment to Confesse often My friends thought that it was feare of death which inuited me to be so deuout and so to the end that I might not be put into apprehension my Father would not let mee Confesse O inordinate and irregular loue of flesh and bloud since though I had so Catholick a Father and so full of prudence and consideration in all his actions which euen abounded in him for this could not be an effect of ignorance yet he might haue donne me hurt enough by this meanes That night I fell into such a Trance as continued to keepe me neer foure dayes without the vse almost of anie of my senses and shortly they came to giue me the Sacrament of Extreame Vnction and euerie hower or rather euerie moment it was expected when I should expire they being as diligent in saying the Creede in my hearing as if I had vnderstood them yea sometimes they held me for so certainly to be dead that afterwards I found the drops of the holie Wax-candles about mine eyes The affliction of my Father was great for his not hauing permitted me to goe to Confession Manie outcryes and manie prayers were made to Almightie God for me and blessed be he who was pleased to heare them for the Graue remaining open in the Church of my Monasterie a day and a half where my bodie was expected to be interred and my Funerall hauing been already celebrated by the Religious men of our Order in another towne where it was conceaued that I was dead our Lord was yet pleased at length that I should teturne to my self and so instantly I would needs goe to confession I receaued also the B. Sacrament with manie teares though yet in my opinion they were not shed with that sense and grief for only my hauing offended Almightie God which might haue serued to saue my soule if the errour into which I was brought by them who had told me that they were not matters of mortall sinne which afterward I saw plainly that they were might not serue my turne For the torments wherewith I remained were intollerable and my vnderstanding not very sharpe but rather dull though yet as I conceaued my Confession were entire of all things whereby I might thinke that I had offended God For this mercie did his Diuine Maiestie vouchsafe to allow me amongst others that after I had once begunne to receaue the B. Sacrament I neuer omitted to Confesse anie thing which I conceaued to be a sinne though it were but Veniall Though yet still me thinkes that without doubt my soule might haue runne hazard not to be saued if I had dyed then in regard that on the one side my Ghostlie Fathers had been so meanly learned and on the other side and indeed on manie sides in regard that in my self I was so wicked But this is alwaies a most certaine truth that when I returne to a thought of this passage and consider how it seemes as if our Lord had raised me againe from death to life I am filled with so huge an amazement that I remaine euen as it were all quaking within my self And now me thinkes it were well O my soule that thou wouldst gather this iust resolution from that great danger out of which it pleased our Lord to deliuer thee that although thou wouldst not fly from offending his Diuine Maiestie for Loue yet at least thou shouldst forbeare to doe it for Feare For he might haue taken thy life from thee a thousand times when thou wert in a more dangerous state and I thinke that I should not say too much if I did speake of a thousand times more though he perhaps may chide me who commanded me to vse moderation in the recitall of my sinnes and yet I doubt that I haue painted them out too fauourably and faire But I begg of him for the loue of our Lord that he will not once thinke of making me diminish my faults because the magnificence of Almightie God is to be discerned thereby and how much he is pleased to suffer and endure from a soule Let him be Blessed for euer and let it also please his Diuine Maiestie that he may rather consume me quite then that I should euer leaue to loue him more THE SIXT CHAPTER She treates of hovv much she ovved our B. Lord for his giuing her Conformitie to his holie vvill in so great afflictions And hovv she tooke the glorious S. Ioseph for her Intercessour and hovv aduantagious that Deuotion proued to be I Remained during those foure dayes of Agonie or Trance in such state that only our B. Lord is able to know the vnsufferable torments which I felt in my self My toung was deeply bitten by me in manie places My throat with hauing taken nothing and by reason also of my very great weaknes could not swallow so much as a drop of water without choaking Me thought I was totally disioynted and my head in extreame disorder I was also as it were all rowled vp and contracted as if I had been a Bottome of Packthridd for in this did the torments of those dayes fixe themselues without my being able once to stirr either hand or foot arme or head vnlesse they moued me anie more then as if I had been dead Only I thinke I was able to wagg one single fingar of my right hand Now for anie bodie to touch me in anie kinde there was no meanes at all for my whole person was so affected and afflicted as that there was no enduring to haue it touched In a sheet they would be remouing me now and then according to the occasion with one at one end therof another at the other and this lasted till Easter Only this I had by way of ease that if I were not approached and touched these torments would be ceasing manie times and then vpon the account of my being in lesse paine I was content to affirme my self to be well But indeed I was much afrayd least my patience should beginne to faile me and therfore I was not a little pleased to find my self without those sharpe and continuall torments though yet I had them after an vnsupportable manner togeather with a very great detestation of food whilst I had those fierce colds which indeed
sometimes not so soone And since of late I am growne able to receaue the B. Sacrament more often it proceeds from this that these vomits come to me at night before I goe to bed and they put me to much more paine and then I must procure to hasten and facilitate them by the vse of feathers and such other things because if I haue not those vomits the sicknes vvhich I feele is extreame But indeed I am me thinkes almost neuer without manie kindes of paine and sometimes they are very sharp ones and especially at my verie hart though yet withall it be also true that the cruel Palsie and other infirmityes of Feauers which were wont to come very thick vpon me are now found to oppress me more seldome so that manie times I am well in those respects and I haue made so little account of these miseries for these eight yeares togeather that sometimes I am euen glad I haue them as conceauing that our Lord may be peraduenture serued in some sort thereby This was my discourse And now my Father belieued that this which I told him heer was indeed the true cause of my omission for himself neuer vsed to lye and considering in what sort and of what matter I was then discoursing to him he had no reason to thinke but that I sayd true and to the end that he might belieue me the better I told him also then that I well saw my self not to be without some fault and that I had enough to doe to be able to assist in the Quire though yet in verie deed euen this reason of corporall sicknes was no sufficient cause to make me giue anie good thing ouer for there is no need of corporall strength for such things as these but only of loue and custome since our Lord affords vs alwaies opportunitie if we will ourselues I say alwaies because though infirmities and other occasions my hinder one sometimes from spending manie howers in Solitude yet there will not want some other time wherein we may haue health enough for this busines yea and euen in other occasions as also in the midst of sicknes it self the truest Prayer may be made since it is the Soule which loues by offering vp that paine to Almightie God and in remembring for whome it is endured and in conforming ones self to God's holie will therein and in a thousand such other things as will occurr And thus may one exercise Loue for there is no necessitie at all for a person either to be in Solitude or els that there must be no Mentall Prayer at all If we will take a little care we may arriue to obtaine great blessings at those times when our Lord euen takes time for Prayer from vs by meanes of our sicknesses and paine and my self had found this to be true as long as my Conscience was pure and good But my Father through the opinion which he held of me and the loue he bore me belieued all that I had sayd or rather he not only belieued but had also pittie of me though yet being then growne to find himself in so eminent and high a state of Spirituall Life he remained not with me very long And therefore hauing visited me he returned home as holding his stay there to be losse of time and I who was willing to spend it vpon other vanities was not troubled very much at his departure It was not only with him but with other persons also whome I procured that they should addict themselues to Mentall Prayer euen whilst I was walking on in those vanities for still as I found them apt to vse Vocall Prayer I told them how they should grow to haue the vse of Meditation and I did them good and gaue them Bookes for I had still a good desire that others should serue Almightie God euen from the verie first time that I vsed Mentall Prayer as I haue related heer It seemed to me that since now I serued not our Lord my self so well as I should yet I liked not that that light should be lost which his Diuine Maiestie had bestowed vpon me but that others might also serue him by my meanes And this I heer recount that so the great blindnes wherein I was may be the better seen which induced me to make me loose my self whilst yet I went procuring to doe good to others About this time my Father fell into the sicknes whereof he dyed shortly after But I went to attend and recouer him whilst my self was more sick in Soule then he was in Bodie through manie vanities of mine though yet not in such sort as that according to my vnderstanding I was in Mortall Sinne euen in all this worst wickedest time whereof I speake for certainly if I had conceaued otherwise I should by no meanes haue continued therin I endured some affliction and trouble in his sicknes and I thinke I also made him some part of poore amends for the paines which he had taken with me in mine for now being ill enough in my self I yet strained very hard to doe him seruice and besides I well considered that by the onlie losse of him all my comfort and regalo was to be lost for it all was shut vp in onlie him I animated my self also so much towards the not shewing him that I was in anie paine and in continuing so euen till he expired as if I had felt no trouble at all though yet it be very true that when I saw him come to be vpon the verie point to loose his life it seemed to me as if mine owne verie Soule had then been torne out of my Bodie for I loued him much It was a thing to make our Lord be highly praised to see the death which my Father dyed togeather with the desire which he also had to dye and the counsel which he gaue vs after he had receaued extreame Vnction and how he charged vs to recommend him to God and that we should begg mercie of him for his Soule and that we must serue him euer and consider that all this world must come to end With teares he also told vs how sad he was at the hart for not hauing serued his Diuine Maiestie better That he wished he were some Religious man I meane that he had been so and that of the most strict who were in the world And I hold it for very certaine that some fifteen dayes before our Lord gaue him to vnderstand that he was not to liue because before that verie time he did not thinke he was sick though yet he were so in good earnest But afterwards though he seemed to mend much in point of health and though the Doctours bad him belieue that there was no danger at all yet he made no account of that but only attēded to put his Soule in good order That sicknes of his beganne with a very grieuous paine round about his shoulders which neuer left him and sometimes it pressed him
so hard that his affliction was very great I told him once vpon this occasion that since he had been so deuoted to that Mysterie when our Lord carried his Crosse vpon his Back he might doe well to conceaue that his Diuine Maiestie had been pleased to giue him a feeling of some part of that which himself had vndergone with so much trouble and my Father was so comforted by this thought that I remember him not to haue euer complained more He remained three dayes with very little shew of vnderstanding but yet the day whereon he dyed our Lord restored it to him that so entirely as we were all euen amazed to see it and he continued in it saying the Creed and as soone as he had passed through the first part thereof he expired When he was dead he looked euen like an Angell and as such in manner of speach he euer seemed in my sight to be both in Soule and disposition or humour which he had extreamly good Nor doe I know why I haue spoken thus much of him vnlesse it be to confesse and accuse mine owne wickednes so much the more since vpon the sight of such a death and the knowledge of such a life I ought to haue amended and reformed mine if it had been but to grow the liker to such a Father His Confessarius who was a Dominican and a great learned man affirmed that he made no doubt but that my Father would goe streight to Heauen for he who had Confessed him diuers yeares spake much of the great puritie of his Conscience This Dominican Father being a very worthie man and a true seruant of God did me a great deale of good for I Confessed my self to him and he vndertooke the profit of my Soule with care and to make me well vnderstand the way of perdition wherein I was walking He caused me also to Communicate euerie fifteen dayes and beginning first to treate with him by little and little I spoke with him afterward at length about my Prayer and he told me that I must not faile to vse it and that it could not by anie meanes but doe me good I beganne therefore to vse it againe and from that time forward I neuer left it though yet I did not for the present giue-ouer the occasions of my imperfections I therefore in the meane time passed a most sad life for in Prayer I came to vnderstand my faults On the one side I was called by Almightie God and on the other I followed the world All those things which belonged to God gaue me great contentment but those things which were of the World tyed me vp in chaines and it seemes I had a minde to make these two contraryes friends which yet are so much in enmitie with one another namely a Spirituall life on the one side and sensuall pastimes contentments and delights on the other In my Prayer I endured much trouble because now my Spirit was growne to be no longer a Lord but a Slaue and therefore I was not able to shut my self vp in my hart which was the onlie way of proceeding I formerly had held in my vse of Prayer without shutting vp a thousand vanities togeather with my self I passed so manie yeares in this manner that now I am astonished to consider that anie person should be able to endure the not leauing either the one or the other in so long a time I well know that now it was no longer in my hand to giue ouer Mentall Prayer for he held me now in his who resolued to doe me greater fauours O that I could declare the occasions of doing ill which God remoued from me in those yeares and how I put my self againe into them and of the danger wherein I was to loose all the opinion and reputation which I had in the world from which he freed me and of the hast which I made to discouer by my actions what kinde of Creature I was and the hast which our Lord made also to couer these faults and to discouer some little vertue of mine if there were anie and to make the same seem great in the eyes of all men in such sort as that they euer held me in much account For though sometimes my vanities would shine through my actions yet they seeing other things in me which appeared good would not belieue the ill But the true cause heerof was that the knower of all things saw that this was fitt to be so ordained to the end that when afterward I should come to perswade the world to doe him seruice they might giue me some little credit therin And that Soueraigne Bountie of God did not so much consider my great sinnes as it did those desires which I had sometimes to serue him and the great trouble I felt in my self for wanting power and strength to put the same in execution But O thou Lord of my Soule and how shall I euer be able to expresse with fulnes and clearnes enough the fauours which thou shewedst me in those yeares and how in that verie time when I was offending thee most thou madest such hast to dispose my Soule to a most profound remorse and sorrow that so I might come to tast of thy regalo's and great fauours againe The truth is O my King that thou didst vse the most curious and choice kinde of sharp punishment which could possibly to my thinking be found for me as one who didst well vnderstand what was likelie to cost me the dearest of all other things for thou didst punish those sinnes of mine with great regalo's And I thinke it is no impertinencie which I vtter though yet it were a kind of reason that I should now euen as it were loose my witts whilst I renew the memorie of my ingratitude and malice towards thee But really it vvas so much a more painefull and insupportable kinde of thing for me to receaue such fauours vpon the verie neck of my hauing falne into so great offences then it would haue been to endure grieuous punishments that some one of those sayd fauours so receaued seemes clearly and very certainly to haue euen ouer-wrought and defeated and confounded me more then all my infirmities and torments and other afflictions put togeather vvere euer able to doe For as for these latter afflictions I found that I deserued them vvell and I thought they might goe in part by vvay of satisfaction for my sinnes though yet euen in that kinde of account I know that my sufferances vvere few for my offences vvhich vvere so manie and so very great But now to see my self receauing so freshly so high fauours vvhilst yet the vvhile I made so ill retribution for those vvhich I had receaued before is in my account a kinde of most terrible torment and I thinke it vvill be esteemed so by all such as haue anie knowledge or loue of God and vve may easily finde this to be true euen by the naturall condition of persons
our Lord himself beares their charges since for the little paines they take he giues them so much gust that so they may the better be able to endure the taking of that paines in his company Of these gusts which our Lord is pleased to giue to such as perseuer in the exercise of Mentall Prayer there shall be more discourse heerafter and I will not make it heer Only this I will be bold to say that of all those so great fauours which it euer pleased our Lord to doe me the verie Gate was Prayer and if that come once to be shut I know not how God shall doe vs fauours For though he should haue a minde to enter into a Soule to regale both it and himself in it there is no meanes by which to doe it since he must haue it all to himself and it must be cleane and pure and it must also haue a great desire to receaue fauours And if our selues on the other side bring manie impediments and take no course to remoue them how shall we euer thinke he can come to vs and how can we conceaue that he will help vs Now to the end that his mercie may be seen and the great benefit which it was for me not to haue giuen ouer my Praying and Reading I will heer declare since the vnderstanding of it imports so much what batterie the Diuel raises against a Soule to gaine it and what diligences and as it were art and mercie is vsed by B. Lord for procuring to reduce it to himself that so others may preserue themselues from those dangers from which I kept not my self And aboue all things I humbly desire men for that great loue wherewith our Lord goes endeauouring to winne vs back againe to himself that they will keep themselues carefully out of the occasions of Sinne for when once we are engaged therein there is no trust or confidence to be had where we are encountred and assaulted by so manie enemies whilst we the while are subiect to such weaknes which disables vs to make anie defence I would faine be able heer to make a draught and description of that captiuitie wherein my Soule was at those times for I well vnderstood my self to be in captiuitie and yet I could not tell very well to what I whas a Slaue nor could I entirely belieue that that which my Confessours thought fitt to aggrauate no more was so very ill as yet I was apt to find it A certaine person told me when I went to him once with a scruple that although I were in state of vsing high Contemplation yet such occasions and conuersations were of no inconuenience to me This hapned to me towards the latter end when I by the fauour of God vvent separating my self more and more from great dangers but yet I did not vvholy auoid occasions But now vvhen they obserued my good desires and my exercise of Mentall Prayer they thought I did great matters but as for me my Soule vnderstood vvell enough that it vvas not so much as to performe what I vvas obliged for one to vvhome I owed so much I haue now both pittie and grief to consider hovv much my Soule suffered at that time and the little help it gott from anie but Almightie God besides the great facilities and ouuertures vvhich they made for me towards certaine pastimes and contentments by making me belieue that they vvere lavvfull But novv the torment also vvhich I had by hearing Sermons vvas not little for I had a great affection to heare them in such sort that if I savv anie man preach with spirit very well I carried a most particular affection to him and that without anie endeauour of mine nor doe I know how I came to haue it Me thought no Sermon seemed so ill to me which I could not gladly heare though others would be of opinion that he preached not well but then if the Sermon were good it gaue me a very particular satisfaction To speake of God or heare him spoken of did in effect neuer wearie me I meane after I had once begunne to vse Mentall Prayer Yet on the one side I was much comforted with hearing Sermons but on the other side they tormented me because I vnderstood thereby that I was not by manie degrees anie such Creature as I ought to haue been I humbly begged of our B. Lord that he would help me but I belieue by what I can now coniecture that I was wanting in the point of placing all my confidence in his Diuine Maiestie and totally disconfiding in my self I sought for remedie and I vsed manie diligences but I vnderstood not that all is good for nothing vnless first we stripp our selues entirely of all confidence in our selues and lodge it all vpon Almightie God I desired to liue a true life for then I vnderstood well enough that indeed I did not liue but that I fought with the verie shaddow of death But there was no bodie who would giue me life and as for me I was not able to take it and he who was only able to giue it had no reason to bring me succour since he hauing drawne me to himself so very often I had yet forsaken him THE NINTH CHAPTER She declares by vvhat meanes our Lord beganne to avvake her Soule and giue her light in so great darknes and to strengthen also her Vertues that so she might offend him no more BVt now my Soule was already growne to be very wearie and yet the ill habits which I had made the ill customes which I had vsed would not permit her to be vnwearied and take rest It hapned to me one day vpon my going into the Oratorie that I saw a Picture vvhich had been brought in thither to be kept for they had borrowed it to serue for a certaine Festiuitie vvhich vvas to be celebrated in the House about that time The Picture vvas of Christ our Lord full of vvounds soares and it vvas so deuoutly made that vvhen I looked vpon it it moued me much for it represented very vvell vvhat he had endured for vs. And the sense of the little gratitude to our Lord vvhich I had conceaued and expressed for those vvounds of his vvas such that me thought my verie hart did euen splitt And I cast my self earnestly downe neer the Picture vvith a great showre of teares beseeching our Lord humbly and earnestly that he vvould strengthen me so farre once for all as that at length I might offend him no more I was besides very much deuoted to the glorious S. Marie Magdalen and I thought much and often of her Conuersion and especially vvhensoeuer I receaued the B. Sacrament For knowing at that time that our Lord vvas most certainly in my verie bosome I placed my self at his feet as conceauing that my teares vvould not be despised by him I know not very vvell vvhat I sayd but yet I know that he vvho vvas pleased
I may neuer conuerse more with any Creature or els finally O Lord giue order that I may haue nothing to doe in this world or at least take me out of it quite For now already O my God this Seruant of thine is no longer able to endure so great afflictions as she feeles to come vpon her by her being thus without thee And if she needs must liue she desires to haue no ease in this life nor indeed dost thou giue her anie for it is death to her to see her self eat she is afflicted by the sleep she takes she findes that her whole life is spent and past through in Regalo's and yet that now there is nothing but thy self who can indeed regale her So that it seemes I liue now euen against nature since now I would faine not liue in my self but only in thee O thou my true Lord and my Glorie how delicate and yet how hugely heauie is that Crosse which thou hast prepared and prouided for such as ariue to this State It is delicate because it is incredibly sweet and it is heauie because there grow to be certaine times when there is not patience enough in the whole world to enable vs to endure it and yet the Soule would neuer desire to be free from it vnlesse it were to the end that she might find her self once to be with thee And when also the same Soule remembers that she was neuer able to doe thee seruice in anie thing and that by continuing to liue it may yet perhaps be possible for her to serue thee she would be glad if she might lye vnder a very much more heauie burthen then the former yea and that she might also neuer dye euen till the verie end of the world She values not anie manner of repose or rest so much as to the weight of one haire in comparison of doing thee anie poore little seruice nor doth she know what more to desire but she is only sure of thus much that she desires nothing but thy self O my Sonne for you to whome this is directed and who haue commanded me to write it are so humble that you will needs be called by that name let these things be only for your self when you see that I am gone out of all limits for there is no kind of reason which suffices to keep me from leauing the vse of humane reason when our Lord is pleased to draw me thus out of my self Nor doe I know or belieue that it is I who am speaking thus euer since I receaued the B. Sacrament this morning For me thinkes I doe but dreame of what I see and I would be glad not to see anie other then such as are sick of that verie same disease which is now vpon me I humbly beseech your Reuerence that we may all become like madd fooles for his loue who was content to be called Foole for the loue of vs. And since your Reuerence sayes that you wish me so cordially well I desire that you will shew it by disposing your self in such sort as that our Lord may doe you this Fauour For I see there are very few men who haue not more witt then euen they need for the effecting such things as they hold to concerne them but now perhaps I may haue more then they all But doe not you suffer this my deare Father since you are so as well as my Sonne because you are my Confessarius to whose hands I haue committed the care of my Soule but vnbeguile me by telling me truth though truths be now a-dayes seldome told And now I would be very glad that we Fiue who at the present loue one another in Christ our Lord That I say as others meet in secret against the Seruice of his Diuine Maiestie for the ordering of their wickednes and their Heresies we also might procure sometimes to meet for the disabusing one another and to conferr how we might reforme our selues and giue Almightie God more gust For there is no Creature that knowes himself so well as they doe who looke vpon vs so that it be with true loue and care of our amendment I speake of this as a Secret and in your care for now already no such language as this is vsed when euen Preachers themselues goe so composing their Sermons as that they may be sure to giue men no disgust by them But their intention forsooth is so good as that the fruits will be answerable to it and so we see how few grow to mend their liues But how comes it now to passe that they are not very manie who giue ouer to be publique in following vice by meanes of those Sermōs which are made Shall I tell what I thinke It is because the Preachers make themselues too wise Not yet that they are indeed without witt by reason of any great fyre of the Loue of Almighty God which is in their harts as the Apostles were and so their flame falls-out to giue but very little heat I say not that I expect that it should be so great as theirs was but yet I hartily wish that it were greater then I can now find it is Your Reuerence knowes in what very much would consist Namely in hauing this life of ours in detestation and honour in very little estimation and that rather then faile both to speake truth and to maintaine it for the glorie of Almightie God we would be as well contented to loose all as to gaine all For whosoeuer is resolued in very good earnest to put it all to hazard for the loue of our Blessed Lord will be as well content with the one as with the other I say not that I am anie such Creature but I hartily wish I were O great and gallant Libertie to esteem it for a direct captiuitie to be bound to liue and conuerse according to the Lawes of this World For when this is once obtained at the hands of Almightie God there is not so base a Slaue vpon Earth as would not venture all that so he might redeem himself and returne home to his owne Countrie And since this wherein we are is the true way there is neither cause nor colour why we should desire to loyter in it For we shall neuer finish the gaining of so great a treasure till our Lord giue vs his grace to doe it well I humbly pray your Reuerence to teare this which I haue written if you thinke fitt and pardon me for I haue presumed too farre THE SEAVENTEENTH CHAPTER She prosecutes the same Argument about this Third Degree of Prayer And finishes the declaration of the effects vvhich it vvorkes and declares also the disaduantage vvhich the Memorie and Imagination are vvont to bring in this case I Haue already spoken to some good proportion of this manner of Prayer and of that which the Soule is to performe therein or rather of what God doth in her for now it is himself who takes the Office of Gardner
togeather vvith the Bodie and so both of them participate therin And it is not also with that extremitie of being as it were abandoned and vtterly forsaken which yet abounds in this wherein as I was saying we haue no part at all our selues But there often comes a kind of desire vnseasonably and vnexpectedly vpon vs and I know not from whence it moues And vpon this desire which penetrates the whole Soule euen at one verie instant she beginnes to afflict and euen belabour her self so as that she rises much aboue her self and indeed aboue whatsoeuer is created and Almightie God is pleased to make her so very desolate disgusted in order to all temporall things that how much soeuer she may labour and endeauour to the contrarie there is nothing in this world which will either accompanie her or whereby she would be glad to be accompanied but euen directly to dye in that Solitude For if anie bodie speake to her or if she would employ all the power which possibly she might haue to speake to others it serues to very little purpose for her Spirit doe what she can doth still not depart from making her find her selfe to be perfectly alone And though it seem to me as if Almightie God were then extreamly remote from her yet at times he communicates his greatnesses to her by a manner the most highly strange that can be imagined yea and more strange then can possibly be expressed Nor doe I beleiue that anie other creature will either beleiue it or can vnderstand it but only some such person as may haue felt it For this is no communication to giue comfort but only to shew the reason which that person hath to be afflicted and distressed for being absent from that Good which comprehends all good things in it self By meanes of this communication both the desire doth encrease and so also doth the extremitie of that Solitude wherein the Soule findes her self togeather with a certaine paine which is so very delicate and penetratiue the Soule being placed then in that kind of Desert that it may expresly and euen literally seem to be at that time that verie thing where of the Royall Prophet spoke when he was in the same verie Solitude Saue that our Blessed Lord would vouchsafe the sense of those things to him and make him feele it being a Saint after a more perfect manner But the words whereof I speake were these Vigilaui factus sum sicut passer solitarius in tecto I haue vvatched and am become like a solitarie Sparrovv vpon the topp of a House For so doth that Verse represent it self to me at those times that me thinkes I doe euen see mine owne condition therin And it comforts me to obserue that others haue also found themselues in so high an extremitie of Solitude and especially when they were such persons as the Royall Prophet was So that me thinkes this kind of Soule is not then it self but rather vpon the verie topp or ridge as one may say therof yea and of all things also which are created for then mee thinkes the Soule remaines in the very highest and most superiour part of her self At other times the Soule seemes to find her self in that occasion as in the verie extremitie of necessitie and miserie and that then she is saying and asking her self this question VVhere is novv thy God But now heer it is to be noted that for my part I knew not then what those words signifyed in the vulgar Toung yet when afterwards I came to know it I was much comforted to see that our Lord was pleased to bring them to my memorie without anie procurement at all of mine At other times I also called that Saying of S. Paul to minde That he vvas crucifyed to the vvorld I say not that I was so for I see but too well that I am not but me thinkes the Soule in this case is very much after that manner for she gets no comfort either from Heauen because she is not there nor carries she anie affection at all to the Earth nor is she also there but remaines as if she were euen crucifyed between Heauen Earth and suffering all the while without receauing anie succour either from one of these places or the other For that which comes to her from Heauen which is as I haue sayd before but a notice of Almightie God so admirable aboue all that which we know anie way how to desire doth but serue for her greater torment because it multiplyes the same desire in such sort that the excessiue paine thereof doth put her in my opinion euen past her senses saue that she remaines so but a very little while Now this condition of minde seemes to be no lesse then euen the verie agonie and passage of death it self yet withall there is so very great a contētment taken in this suffering that I know not to what in fine I may possibly be able to compare it It is a feirce and yet a sauourie and delightfull kind of Martyrdome since all that which concernes this world and which it is possible to represent to the Soule yea though it were euen the most delightfull Obiect which euer she had been accustomed to embrace is by no meanes admitted but is instantly cast sharply away from her She vnderstands also heer very well that she cares for nothing at all but Almightie God and yet she considers no particular thing euen in him but she will haue him all togeather and yet after a sort she knowes not what she would haue I say againe that she knowes not because her Imagination represents nothing at all to her yea and in my opinion during a great part of that time wherein she is after that manner the Powers of her Soule doe not worke that ioy which vses to be felt both in the case of Vnion and of Rapts for they are wholy suspended by her paine But O that I were able to giue your Reuerence to vnderstand this busines well though it were but that you might so make me know more particularly what it is For now this is that in which my Soule doth ordinarily most cōtinue whensoeuer I am not employed about somewhat she is put euen vpon these verie straights and agonie of death She is afrayd when she sees them beginne for feare least it should cost me my life but yet when it is once begunne she would be glad that during all that life which might last she might continue in that state of sufferance though yet still it be so very excessiue that the person is scarce able to endure it For sometimes I am in effect without anie pulse at all as my Sisters tell me who then come towards me to see what passes for now they beginne a little to vnderstand more of the case And the bones of my verie armes to which the ioynts are fastned grow then to be euen opened and my hands are so starke and
with them and if I could tell how and especially if I thought that they would beleiue me for I recommend them very much to Almightie God and I wish that it might doe them good When a bodie resolues to venture his life he may in effect doe what he lists and I desire very often to loose mine for that were to venture little for the gaining of much But now one may thinke that there is scarce anie Creature in the world who indeed liues cōsidering how grossly visible that great deceipt and errour is which we carrie about vs and with what blindnes we conuerse in this world But when once the Soule comes to the passe of this Water they are not bare desires which she carries for the seruice of Almightie God for then his Diuine Maiestie giues her strength also to put them in execution Nor can there anie such thing be once represented to her wherein she may thinke to serue him vpon which she will not cast her self all at once and yet she will thinke all the while that she is doing nothing for now she sees very clearly that all things are meerly nothing which concerne not the giuing gust to Almightie God The onlie trouble in this case is that there is nothing indeed deseruing truly the name of trouble which will offer it self to anie such person as is so very vnprofitable as I am But be thou O my eternall Good so well pleased as that once some such little moment of time may occurr as wherein I may be able to pay the least imaginable crumme of all that great seruice which I owe thee Ordaine thou things O my Lord in what sort thou wilt so that yet this poore creature of thine may once be able to pay thee some little seruice There haue been other manner of woemen in the world who haue done heroicall things for loue of thee but I am good for nothing but to prate and so it is not thy pleasure O my Lord to employ me about putting anie thing in execution but that all the seruice which I am to doe thee must passe away in words and desires yea and euen I haue not libertie in this little and peraduenture I should be faultie in all But strengthen thou my Soule and dispose of it first O thou the Good of all Goods my deare Iesus and then ordaine things in such sort as that I may once be able to doe somewhat for thee and that there may be no such Creature in the world as should endure to receiue so much and yet withall to pay nothing Let it cost O my Lord what it can but let not these hands of mine appeare alwaies so very emptie in thy presence since Rewards are to be set-out and giuen according to the Workes Behold heer is my Life heer is my Honour and heer is my Will and thou knowest that I haue giuen it all to thee and am entirely thine and therefore dispose of me according to thine owne good pleasure I see O my Lord very well how little I am able to execute but yet being now come to thee and hauing mounted-vp to this Tower from which Truths are truly discouered if thou depart not from me there is nothing which I shall not be able to performe and yet if thou depart how little soeuer that may be I am to goe where I was which is into a kind of being in Hell O what it is for a Soule which findes her self in such condition as this to be put to returne againe to conuerse in the world and to behold and see the Antick and fantasticall Puppet-Playes of this life which are so ridiculously ordered and to spend time in complying with this Bodie of ours both by sleeping and eating for all this wearies the Soule which knowes not how to scape from thence but finds it self to be surprized and enchained It then sees much more euidently the true captiuitie wherein we remaine by the verie condition of these Bodies of ours and by the miserie of these liues which we leade and then we come to know very well the much reason which S. Paul had to beseech Almightie God to deliuer him from it wherein he cryes-out alowd and beggs libertie of his Diuine Maiestie as I haue formerly sayd But now this is often done with so very great impulse of minde that the Soule would euen faine get out of the Bodie in pursuite of this libertie and in the meane time since she cannot be freed she walkes vp and downe the world like one who were sold for some Slaue to serue and play the Drudge in a strange Country And that which afflicts her yet more is that she knowes not how to meet with manie who will be so well disposed as to lament with her and to desire that which she desires for they ordinarily desire but to liue O that once we might be vntyed from all things and that we might not place our contentment in anie thing of this world How would then that paine which we should find to be liuing alwaies without God appease and temper the feare of death through the desire which by this meanes we should haue of attaining to the fruition of eternall life Sometimes when I am considering how such a Creature as I to whome our Lord hath giuen this light with such an imperfect kind of charitie as I possesse and with so poore repose as I enioy since my life hath deserued no better can yet so often find my self in distresse for being in this bannishment of mine I may easily grow to imagine what kind of sense and feeling that would be which Saints haue had in this case and what kind of commotion a S. Paul and a S. Marie Magdalen and such others like them would find in themselues in whome the fire of the Loue of Almightie God did raigne It must certainly haue been a continuall Martyrdome to them To me it seemes that all the ease or rather indeed absence of paine which I might be able to find in this world were but to treat with some such persons as in whome I might be able to meet with such desires as these I say desires with deeds and I say yet againe with deeds For there are certaine people in the world who if you will beleiue themselues are absolutly vntyed from the world so they publish that they are and so indeed it is very fitt they were because euen their verie profession and condition requires as much and so also doe those manie yeares since they beganne to enter into the way of Perfection But yet this Soule of mine knowes well how to find a difference euen from farre off between such as desire these things but in words and such others as confirme their words by their workes For she knowes how to vnderstand very well the little good which these doe in the world and the much which is done by those others and indeed this is such a kind of thing as
that time to giue them the Habit. But now since the House where the Monastery fell out to be made was that wherein my Brother-in-Law had dwelt before for he as I sayd had bought it the better to disguise this busines I had leaue to stay there And I did nothing at all but by the opinion of learned men that so I might be sure not to depart one haires breadth from my Obedience And when they saw that the thing was to be so aduantagious to the whole Order in manie respects they told me I might doe as I did though yet it were fitt to proceed with great reseruation and secrecie and to take care that my Superiours might not know what I was doing For how little soeuer the imperfection had been which I must haue committed therein I conceaue that I would haue giuen-ouer the erecting I say not of one Monasterie but of a thousand rather then haue falne into it and this is certaine And though I desired to seuer my self wholy from the world that so I might follow my Profession and Calling with more perfection and Clausure I desired it yet in such sort as that whensoeuer I should come to vnderstand that it was to be for the greater Seruice of Almightie God to giue it ouer I would instantly haue been sure to doe it with entire peace and repose But the while it was a kind of being euen in glorie for me to see the B. Sacrament exposed and that foure poore Orphans were prouided for since they were taken without Dowrie and they were very great Seruants of Almightie God For this was much endeauoured at the begining that such persons should enter and be receaued as might lay a good foundation by their example for the better effecting the intention and designe which we had to carrie all things on with much perfection and Prayer and that such a worke in fine might be finished as were to proue for the Seruice of our Blessed Lord and in honour of the Habit of his Glorious Mother for vpon this did all the anxieties of my care worke and beate And it gaue me also great comfort to haue done expresly that which our Blessed Lord had been pleased to command me and that there might be one Church more and the same be dedicated vnder the name of my Glorious Father S. Ioseph then there was before Not yet that I conceaued my self to haue done anie thing in it at all for I neuer had anie such conceipt neither haue I yet but I euer vnderstand that it is our Blessed Lord who did it and that as much as concerned my part was accompanied with so great imperfections that I rather plainly see that there is much more for which to blame me then to thanke me But yet I must confesse that it goes with me for a great Regalo to see that his Diuine Maiestie was pleased to vse me as an instrument I being so very wicked as I am for so great a worke as this So that in fine I remained with much satisfaction and gust in this behalfe and as it were euen out of my self in great depth of Prayer But now vpon the end of all this which might last about some three or foure howers the Diuel procured to giue me such a kind of Spirituall battaile as I will now declare He represented to me a doubt whether that which I had done had been well done whether I had not gone against my obligation of Obedience by procuring to effect certaine things without hauing been directed therein by my Prouinciall That I might very well imagine that my carriage had been of disgust to him in regard that I had submitted the busines to the Ordinarie and that without hauing acquainted him with it before though yet on the other side it be true that when he would not admit of the Foundation and saw that I did not alter my course I might probably enough imagine that he would not care much though it went on and Whether these new Religious would be content to liue in so great restraint Whether they were not to want bread to eate Whether the whole busines were not an absurd and foolish thing and Who in fine must put me vpon it since already I had a Monasterie of mine owne But now all that which our Blessed Lord had commanded me and all those opinions of the learned men whome I had consulted and all the Prayer which I had caused to be made and that in effect without ceasing yea and also for the space of more then two whole yeares all this I say was as absolutly slipped out of my memorie as if it had neuer been there and I only remembred now that I did it according to mine owne opinion But all the vertues and Faith which I had before were suspended in me then without my hauing strength either to act anie thing or euen so much as to defend my self against so manie assaults The Diuel was also tampering with me and examined me how it came to passe that I would needs goe shut my self vp in so straight a House and that with so manie infirmities vpon my back and how I would be able to vndergoe so great Pennance and giue ouer to liue in so goodlie and delightfull a place as the other was where I had alwaies had so much gust and so manie freinds and perhaps these others would not proue so That I had taken very much vpon me That perhaps it would cost me despaire at the last That the Diuel had pretended but to depriue me of repose and peace that so I might not be able to frequent Prayer and to make me grow disordered and disturbed and so by those degrees to loose my Soule Such things as these assembled in such sort as I haue related did the Diuel take care to set before me and so as that it was not almost in my power so much as once to thinke of anie thing els and by this meanes did he bring such an affliction and obscuritie or rather downe-right darknes vpon my hart as I am not able to expresse But now when I found my self to be in this case I went to visit the Blessed Sacrament though yet I was not able to recommend my Soule to it as finding my self in my opinion with a certaine kind of profound affliction as if then I had been in no lesse then the verie agonie of death To treat with anie bodie about it I was not yet to presume for there was not yet so much as a Ghostlie Father appointed for me O my deare Lord what a miserable kind of life is this which we lead where there is no secure contentment nor anie thing which is not subiect to change It was so very very lately that me thought I would not haue exchanged my condition in the way of being content with anie Creature of the whole world and now the self-same cause euen of the self-same contentment did so torment me