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A29779 The late converts exposed, or, The reasons of Mr. Bays's changing his religion considered in a dialogue : part the second : with reflections on the life of St. Xavier, Don Sebastian King of Portugal, as also the fable of the bat and the birds. Brown, Thomas, 1663-1704. 1690 (1690) Wing B5061; ESTC R13424 82,114 78

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Mediator only that makes continual intercession for us and she has been so civil as to furnish us with above forty thousand Universal Tradition has handed down to us but twenty two books in the Old Testament and she has added the Apocrypha and may in due time if she summons another Council at Trent introduce the Talmud into the Canon Thus Mr. Bays your Catholick Church has improv'd the Christian Religion with a witness made the Porch bigger than the Building it self and renew'd the Miracle of the Loaves and Fishes where the voider exceeded the Bill of fare Eugen. Let us now turn the Tables Mr. Bays and see whether your Church continues still in this giving humour it would certainly exhaust the treasure of any Church in the Universe to be always issuing out largesses and never retrenching her expence and therefore it may be worth our while to examine whether the Roman Church that has been guilty of so much profuseness one way has not made as many retrenchments another way to ballance her accounts The Apostles left us the Scriptures in common as a part of our property and inheritance but she for certain prudential considerations has thought to keep them under Lock and Key Crites Primitive Institution left us the Sacrament under both kinds Bibite ex hoc omnes is the word but she has retrench'd us of the Cup. Our Religion allows us a free possession of our Reason and Senses but she obliges us to renounce them The Scriptures only forbid Marriage within the degrees of Consanguinity but she has forbid it within the degrees even of a spiritual Relation Eugen. The Apostles left us at large exempt from the Iewish observations of clean and unclean but she has introduced them again Praestat nubere quam uri says you know who no by no means cries the Hind let the Priests rather commit Incest Sodomy and Adultery than be allow'd the liberty to Marry Thus you see Mr. Bays what the Sea gives in one place it takes away in another and thus your Mother Church of Rome if she gives with the right hand she takes away with the left to make amends for her extraordinary charges just as you see some Gentlemen of this end of the Town discard their Servants and pinch their Families to put themselves in a capacity of keeping a Glass-Coach and a single pair of Horses Bays Well Gentlemen you have both of you run your selves out of breath with this discourse but not a word all this while of Infallibility Crites Oh dear Confessor I am obliged to you for refreshing my memory as to that point for I love Infallibility extreamly I am clearly of thy opinion little Bays that Infallibility if it were any where to be found were worth both Testaments and cast all the Creeds in Christendom into the bargain and now I 'll tell you a Story There was a certain Country Gentleman no matter for his Name or where he lived but he had read the Sadducismus Triumphatus and was so mightily taken with Dr. More 's Notion of a Vehicle that he could not rest till he had bought him a Vehicle call'd in English a Calash so he eat and drank in his Vehicle and slept in his Vehicle and lay with his Wife in his Vehicle and got an Heir Apparent upon her Virtuous body in his Vehicle and Vehicle was his Name a. Baye And what of all this prithee Here 's a Story with all my heart Crites Why as foolish as it is it shall serve for a Vehicle to another story which is of a certain Tooth-drawer of my acquaintance that lived in the Strand Bays The Devil take your Tooth-drrwer for me what have I to do with him I am affraid your story will prove as troublesome to me as a fit of the Tooth-ach Crites A very good jest i'saith I protest dear Rogue thou begin'st to mend upon it Why this same fellow you must understand had made a shift out of some Church-yard or other to pick up some two or three hundred Teeth and hung them on a string before his Shop to perswade the World that he was a man of great business in his Mystery of Tooth-drawing but all would not do no body came nigh him so he was ready to starve and as he has since told me he was brought to those extremities that he resolved one Friday about eight in the morning to draw his own Teeth out and his Wives and his little Daughter Bettys and hang them on a string because there was no occasion for them in his Family he having not a bit of bread in his House to employ them At last says a friend of his to whom he made known his condition to him Iack come down with your Sign and set up a new one with this Inscription Here lives an Operator in Teeth that draws all manner of old Srumps and rotten Gums without any manner of pain most Infallibly and I 'll engage that within this fortnight thou shalt have as much business as thou canst turn thy hands to He followed the advice and wou'd you believe it Mr. Bays got the greatest practice of any Touth-drawer in City or Country In one Week as I was credibly inform'd the last year he drew the Teeth of a hundred and fifty Courtiers besides of half the Court of Aldermen and my Lord Mayor's into the bargain and he has so well batten'd upon his profession that he 's in a fair way now to keep his Vehicle Bays Keep his Vehicle so let him and be hanged an he pleases Why what 's all this to the purpose Crites Oh very much Sir for even so a certain Gentleman at Rome do ye mind me Mr. Bays when he was only Bishop of Rome and nothing else he had scarce Money enough to set his Pot a boyling but when he once got the Tooth-drawer's trick of Writing Here lives Infallibility on his Sign why then he had customers from all parts of the World and in a short time got so much Money from his Clients that he scorns now to trudge it a foot as his Predecessors used to do and keeps a sett of brawny fat Porters to carry him on their Shoulders Bays Nay he that has the patience Mr. Crites to hear you tell a story may defie I think all the plagues on this side Hell as a declaiming Parliamentman a Case-repealing Templar a Quibling Justice of Peace and an University Critick This is all Sir and so farewel Eugen. How Mr. Bays have you so soon forgot your Philosopher Socrates Come I see I must remind you of him once an hour at least or you 'll be apt to renounce his acquaintance Why prithee man he 's only in jest and there 's no harm in what he says therefore let it not to use Mr. Shadwell's expression disturb the serene tranquillity of thy sagacious Soul Bays At your entreaty dear Mr. Eugenius I 'le go on and to let you see what dexterity I use in my Ergotering
Will 's Coffee-House in Covent-Garden Crites Eugenius and Mr. Bays Bays WELL Gentlemen I find you are punctual to the Assignation and now if you please we 'll fall to the business in hand without any more Preface or Ceremony You know I promised to make you acquainted in the first place with the motives which obliged me to leave the Church of England and afterwards to give you the reasons why I setled in the Romish Communion This method I design to follow because it will give us a full view of all the Controverted Points between both Parties but I must make bold to ask you one Civil Question or two before-hand since it is so material to our present affair and that is whether you have seen a famous Poem of mine called The Hind and Panther Crites Seen it Mr. Bays Why I can stir no where but it pursues me it haunts me worse than a Pewter-Button'd-Serjeant does a decayed Cit Sometimes I meet it in a Band-Box when my Landress brings home my Linnen sometimes whether I will or no it lights my Pipe in a Coffee-House sometimes it surprizes me in a Trunk-makers Shop and sometimes it refreshes my memory for me on the backside of a Chancery-Lane Parcel For your Comfort Mr. Bays I have not only seen it as you may perceive but have read it too and can quote it as freely upon occasion as a frugal Tradesman can quote that Noble Treatise called The Worth of a Penny to his Extravagant Prentice that revels in Cock●ale Stew'd Apples and Penny Custards Bays Then take it from me Mr. Crites you have read the most Exalted the most Sublime Piece of Poetry that was ever extant in the Universe It contains without vanity I may say it all the Arguments that can be proposed in behalf of the Unerring Guide the Churches Infallibility Transubstantiation Tradition and the like So that if this were not an age wherein people were resolved never to trust their Faith out of the company of their Reason I should not question to reduce half the Kingdom in due time only by the Sweetness and Majesty of my Verse But pray Mr. Crites do me the favour to tell me what the sinful world has said to this Noble Off-spring of mine Crites Troth Mr Bays the sinful world as you call it is very much divided about the point and who can help it Some persons allow it as little quarter as the Inquisition does a Tract of Lutheran Divinity and others again speak as favourably of the Author as the Dissenters do of the late Immortal Pacqueteer Some say you chose a Religion tho it were none of the best only to confront the World that you had one like the Young Prince in the Rehearsal who was glad to own the Fisherman for his Father rather than lye under the scandal of having none at all Some commend your policy for treating your subject in Rime because as they pretend the Polemic is no more obliged to answer for the Paralogisms of the Poet than the New-made Lord is concerned to pay the debts of the private Gentleman Lastly the more Censorious sort question the sincerity of your Conversion and are apt to believe that although you have drawn your Pen in the Churches quarrel you 'd scarce be allow'd the humble favour to stand Godfather for a Bell and promise in the Bells name that it shall scatter Tempests disperse Evil Spirits and disarm Thunder and Lightning for like malicious persons as they are they observe that you have made the Panther in that noble Episode of the Swallow tell a better and more pertinent story than even your Catholic Hind In fine since you 'l have all out together they say if your own Party ever comes to tell Noses that they must be forced to serve you and the rest of the New Converts as the Turkish Janizaries do their other Foot-Battalia's place you in the Front and encompass you round because you have got such a damnable trick of running away from your Colours that you are not to be trusted in the Rear Bays And is the World then so wickedly disposed as to question the sincerity of my Conversion Oh tempora mores I cou'd almost resolve with my own Almanzor that henceforward all mankind should walk upon Crutches I can't tell I gad what to offer farther in my own defence than what I have done already except only this which comes in my Head on the sudden Pray Gentlemen did you ever hear of a certain Noble Grecian call'd Ajax Eugenius What he that wore as many Cow-hides upon his Shield as wou'd have furnished half the King's army with Shoe-leather Bays The very same Sir Now this Ajax you must know was Hector's Cousin-german and I 'le acquaint you how the Kindred came in Priam's Aunt no I mistake I gad Priam's Sister Eugenius Was a very honest Gentlewoman for any thing I know to the contrary But prithee Mr. Bays setting that business aside let us know what you have to say to Ajax Bays Nay if you 'l have story in its puris naturalibus without the Pedigree and all that ee'n thank your selves for it Why then once upon a time an Assignation being made between Hector and his Cousin Ajax to determine the war in a single Combat just before the Trumpets sounded Hector tells his Noble Kinsman that if he certainly knew which part of his Body was Trojan and which was Grecian he 'd spare the one out of a respect to his pious Aunt but slash cut and mortifie the other like Lightning The whole passage you may find in the Tragedy of Troilus and Cressid which with some little variation from the Original I will thus apply to my self But pray listen Were my Commixion Hind and Panther so That I cou'd say this Hand the Panther's is And this the Hind's Mr. Eugenius for God's sake attend The Sinews of this Leg All Panther this all Hind The Panther's Blood Runs in the Dexter Cheek and this Sinister Bounds in the Hinds Incomparably good I vow to Gad and now follows one of the finest Oaths in Christendom By Jove Multipotent I wou'd not bear from hence that Pagan Member Wherein my Sword should not impression make In plain English Mr. Crites if I thought I carried any Protestant Blood about me I 'de tap it this very moment with my trusty Tilter and write a Letter of Defiance with it to all the Calvinists and Socinians l'gad in the Universe I cou'd wish with all my Soul that the troublesome Quietist yonder on the other side the Hills had made as true and sincere a Recantation as I have done for between Friends if this fails to give satisfaction I can't tell what will And now Gentlemen pray let me have your Opinion of the Poem for methinks as long as I stand in your good graces I should not be much concern'd if all the Town besides should censure it Eugenius Faith little Bays to deal freely with you I have