deafness to his voice 2. To put us upon more earnest seeking of him 3. To exercise and try our graces God proportions mercies according to his delays they are the greater when given in Sarah tarried long for a Son and then had an Isaac So did Hanna but then had a Samuel So Elizabeth but then had a John my heart rejoyced at this hoping that God would give an high degree of brokenness of heart in his own due time though at present my heart were hard And I remembred how hard Mr. Bradfords heart was once as to his own sense and how eminent he was afterward for tenderness as M. Fox Relates God was very good this day But Oh! how vile and sinful was I I felt a very proud vain-glorious heart both in hearing and after Sermon was done But the Lord chastised me for it For at night when I Preached in the Chappel the Lord forsook me I found no assistance of his Spirit either in Prayer or Preaching but was much confounded in both having little or no sense of the things I spake of or prayed for We read of Naaman 2 King 5. 11. that he expected a Miraculous way of cure I thought said he he will surely come out and stand and call on the Name of the Lord his God and strike his hand over the place and recover the Leper So have I found my self apt to expect that the Spirit of God should mortifie and subdue sin in me without my striving against it But I have learned it is the will of God that I should strive against sin as well as pray and wait for his Spirit Gods working in us to will and to do excludes not our endeavouring Phil. 2. 12 13. Having promises let us cleanse our selves 2 Cor. 7. 1. Octob. 17. I was immoderate in the use of the Creatures and though checked and reproved from within yet I persisted At night when I walked in my Chamber considering what I had done I was sad and said to God Lord I have Rebelled against thee I had no sooner said it in my heart but immediately that word was brought to me Dan. 9. 9. To the Lord our God belong mercies and forgivenesses he will forgive again and again though we have Rebelled against him O the wonderful goodness of God! be amazed O my Soul at this Love Now I saw the promise Isa 65. 24. before they call I will answer and whilst they are yet speaking I will hear made good to me In the evening on my Bed considering on this Love of God whence it should come to pass that the Lord should deal thus graciously with me it was answered me from Mic. 7. 18. He passeth by the transgression of the remnant of his heritage because he delighteth in mercy Next morning at my first awaking the Spirit of God brought that Scripture into my thoughts Ps 65. 3. Iniquities prevail against me as for our trangressions thou shalt purge them away It came to me with some life and power and was very sutable to my Condition Oh the Goodness of God! the Riches of his Grace that he should so soon come into my relief and raise my Soul by his promise this is mercy never to be forgotten Sept. 28. In meditation I found the Lord drawing forth my heart to close with Christ I was convinced that God was willing to bestow his Son upon me because he did not only invite me Isa 55. 1. and Command me 1 Joh. 3. 23. but even beseech and entreat me to receive Christ 2 Cor. 5. 20. I was further convinced of Gods real intention and willingness to give me his Son from his patient waiting and long-suffering in expecting my return even after much deafness to the voice of his Spirit and dallying with his Grace he still offers his Son to me yea he presseth in upon me with the renewing of good motions and affections which I have quenched Now whence is all this but from the Love and mercy of God that he should be thus willing to have me take his Son Now who am I that I should withstand God Why should I forsake my own Mercies Lord thou hast shewn me that my former revoltings shall not hinder this thy mercy if I will acknowledge my sin renounce my self return unto thee and embrace thy Son Jer. 3. 12 13. O Lord I thankfully accept thy offer of Grace I come unto thee Oh give me thy Son behold I give thee my self Let me be Espoused to the Lord Jesus I am willing through grace to take up my Cross to deny my self and to follow thee Nov. 1. Having set apart that day to seek the Lord and to humble my Soul before him I could not get my heart to be afflicted and mourn under sin but found much lightness in Prayer the Lord hid his face and did not come in to my poor Soul with his quickning presence So that I lay in a poor desolate forsaken condition under much confusion yet in the evening a little before going to bed seeking the Lord again I was revived in reading Psal 40. especially v. 17. I am poor and needy yet the Lord thinketh upon me c. and next morning in reading Psal 9. 10. 18. Thou Lord hast not forsaken them that seek thee The needy shall not alway be forgotten the expectation of the poor shall not perish for ever I was thereby encouraged still to wait and hope O Lord I have sought thee withhold not thou thy tender Mercies from me How long wilt thou hide thy face from me O when wilt thou come unto me Make hast to help me O my God I am poor and needy O let me not be forgotten for ever let not my expectation perish for ever and now O Lord what is my expectation It is even this the giving in of mercy and grace through the Lord Jesus pardoning mercy and renewing grace It is the pouring out of thy Spirit the taking away the heart of Stone and giving an heart of flesh it is an heart to know thee to fear thee to love thee and obey thee c. Dec. 6. Being in trouble and distress of Spirit because the Lord hid his face and withdrew himself from me I went in the poverty of my Spirit to Trinity Lecture and with some expectation to meet with God in his own Ordinance The Lord was gracious to me and spake Comfort to me from his Word I see it is good to wait upon God though he send the Rich empty away yet he filleth the hungry with good things My Soul was glad and rejoyced for a season But going into the Country the same day among friends and variety of worldly Affairs I lost something of the savour and relish which the good Word of God left upon me And I found palpably my Soul resting in those Comforts which I had received and growing secure and careless from whence the Lord gave me this Instruction That I am a poor silly wretch knowing neither how
disunion and Separation of the Soul from the body so our spiritual life results from the Souls Union with Christ and spiritual death is our separation from him Now I feel my self as a poor withered branch cut off from this Vine unacquainted with the actings of this Spiritual life as living by faith Serving God in Spirit Mortifying Sin by the Spirit walking in the Spirit loving God above all things and seeking his Glory in all things I have sometimes Prayed against sin resolving against it striven with it avoided occasions thereto all which a natural man may do but sin hath returned upon me and overcome me How to fetch power from Christs death to mortifie sin how to believe in God for subduing it how to do it by the Spirit these have been mysteries to me Lord When shall the day dawn and the Day-Star arise in my heart When shall the Day-spring from on high visit my Soul to give light to him that sits in darkness and in the shadow of death Come Lord Jesus thou light of life Come quickly That which kept me a long time from resolving to give up my whole heart to God in Covenant was a fear that I should break my Covenant and so double my sin But I perceive since that this was but Satans policy to keep my heart from God and the true ground of my not doing this was not conscienciousness of sin as Satan once made me believe but a loathness to part with all sin and to serve God with all my heart A Strong encouragement thou hast O my Soul to enter Covenant with God to serve him with thy whole heart from that portion of his Word which thou didst read this morning May. 11. 1654. in Jer. 30. 21 22. Who is this that engaged his heart to approach unto me saith the Lord Ye shall be my people and I will be your God Since my Covenanting with God I come to see more fully the truth of that place Rom. 8. 7. The carnal mind is enmity against God is not subject to the Law of God neither indeed can be For I find a Loathness to walk closely with God yea under a profession of Religion my carnal heart hath been at enmity to the power and life of it and this enmity hath lyen hid under and been covered with a performance of some duties which have not been destructive to that evil principle that hath lived in me Yea I find my carnal heart is hungring after the flesh-pots of Egypt after its old delights and sinful pleasures is ready to murmur against God in the wilderness and speaks of returning into Egypt and being impatient of the cross it revolts from God many a time and seeks relief and contentment from the creature Since my Covenanting with God I see more of thee treachery and hypocrisie of my heart I found my Soul for a while more tender of Sin and my heart seemingly engaged to serve the Lord. but I soon forgot the covenant that I had made and in a short space I did not find that my Covenanting had any influence on my heart or life So that I see I did but flatter the Lord with my mouth and lyed unto him with my tongue for my heart was not right with him neither was I stedfast in his Covenant Ps 78. 36 37. My unstedfastness in my Covenant with the Lord did arise as far as I perceive from these two grounds 1. My heart was not right with God when I made it there was not that inward cordial full resolution to part with all Sin and that for ever from an antipathy to it and dislike of it neither that inward resolution of cleaving to God to have him my All in All to take all my contentment and joy in him and to seek it in nothing else which should have been 2. I neglected my watch and did not as I should renew my Covenant often and engage my heart to walk with God and while I was slothful and negligent my heart was stolen away by the Devil and the World and is now in league again with Sin Lord make me upright and clear up to me my Sincerity Search me and try me and let me know the bottom of my heart Keep me upon my watch and guard that I may keep my Covenant Jul. 23. The Lord did awaken my Consience to such a sense of my sin and lost estate in the reading and hearing of his Word that when I went to Prayer I was before him as a lost creature being under wrath and the sentence of death lying in my blood and pollution Now whereas before I found my heart carried out in begging Sanctification I did now cry to God for the blood of Christ to wash away the guilt of my sin I did not before prize Justifying Grace so as now in some weak measure I was made to doe But I soon found an accursed hard heart in a little time I did not tremble at the wrath of God I have laboured to work these convictions upon my heart but I found such a roving heart such a slighty heart so possest with vanity that nothing would abide with it Lord unless thou savest me for thy mercies sake I perish Aug. 6. being Sabbath day In meditation on 1 Joh. 3. 23. This is his commandment that we should believe on the Name of his Son Jesus Christ Considering with my self what this did imply viz. not only a relying upon God in Christ for the remission of Sin but for the pouring out of the Spirit Joh. 7. 38 39. which Spirit when it is given will shed abroad the love of God in our hearts Rom. 5. 5. and seal up the assurance of the remission of our sins and witness our addoption Rom. 8 16. will mortifie sin in us v. 13. and work all the works of God in us and for us all which I want and to which I haven been a long time convinced that I am unable And Considering further that this Spirit is the free gift of God Ps 51. 12. given not according to our works but of free mercy for the sake of Christ Tit. 3. 4. 5 6. And considering further that Jesus Christ had received Gifts of which the Gift of the Spirit is intended even for the rebellious that God might dwell among them Ps 68. 18. I found my heart encouraged to wait upon the Lord for the pouring forth of his Spirit upon me that I might have my heart renewed and sanctified and the remission of my sins sealed up to my Soul Afterwards considering further that the way whereby a poor soul that hath lost Gods image comes to be renewed in heart and mind and made partaker of the divine nature is by faith in the promises 2 Pet. 1. 4. and observing how Isaac who inherits the blessing was not born by the strength of Nature but by promise and as Isaac was born through the promise so are all believers Gal. 4. 28. not of the will of man
my Spirit from those words of the Prophet Isa 40. 27. Why sayest thou O Jacob and speakest O Israel my way is hid from the Lord and my judgment is passed over from my God And did encourage my Soul still to hope in God and wait for his strength from the following words v. 28 29. 31. Hast thou not known hast thou not heard if thou hast not known it by experience having found his everlasting Arms under thee for thy support yet hast thou not at least heard it that the everlasting God the Lord the Creator of the ends of the Earth fainteth not neither is weary He giveth power to the faint c. Continue thou therefore O my Soul to wait upon the Lord. Lord what an accursed hard heart have I that sin which grieves thee Gen. 6. 6. thy Son Mar. 3. 5. thy Spirit Eph. 4. 30. should not grieve me that sin which wearieth thee Isa 43. 24. should not be a burden to me that I should not be troubled for want of thy Presence when as the hiding of thy face made our Saviour cry out My God my God why hast thou forsaken me That Eternity and Judgment to come should make no impression upon me that I can hear yea speak of thy Word thy wrath c. and yet not fear thee not tremble at thy Word nor at this my Condition Feb. 19. Being Sabbath day Having formerly perceived a desperate hardness in my heart that that Word which works upon others should do me no good that no means no mercies did melt my Soul and almost despairing of ever having it softened After Prayer I was encouraged from the Lord in reading Mr. Hooker upon Act. 2. 37. who from those words When they heard these things they who had Crucified our Lord Christ were pricked at the heart raiseth this observation It is possible even for the most stubborn sinner to get a broken heart And now O my Soul Why art thou cast down Is not the Lord greater than thy heart Can Satan be more malicious to destroy thee than the Lord is merciful to save thee Yet the actings of my Faith hereupon are but faint Upon Examination of my self I have sometimes found that to mine own sense and feeling I have been altogether void of any love or fear of God and that I have been at such a time as unable to work up my heart into the Love and fear of God as to say to this Mountain Be thou removed and cast into the Sea Such wonderful deadness hath seised upon my Soul so greatly have I been enslaved and held captive by Satan that I have not been able truly to desire the Spirit of God O that my heart could bleed at the remembrance of this great evil that I should not only be cut off from Communion with God but be contented with this condition that I should have no groanings in Spirit to be delivered from this miserable bondage Be instructed hence O my Soul to ascribe every good motion to God if thou feelest any hungrings after Jesus Christ or any sorrow for want of Gods presence or the like own it as his work and bless him for it I have sometimes found my condition much like the man mentioned Joh. 5. who lay a long time by the pool of Bethesda but was not able to put himself in that he might be healed even so it is with my Soul Though God hath opened a Fountain for sin and for uncleanness to wash in and I find my Soul exceedingly polluted yet I am not able to step into this Fountain that I may be healed O my Soul the Lord seeth thy weakness and that thou hast been now a long time in this case wait thou on God Who can tell but that as the Bowels of Jesus Christ did yearn towards the poor man so may his Compassions be great towards thee and he may heal thee also Cease not to importune him saying Jesus thou Son of God have mercy on me O Lord heal my Soul Having at several times found diverse workings upon my heart as Convictions and thereupon some pantings and breathings after God but as yet nothing come to perfection I thought of and found that I had cause to take up the complaint of Hezekiah in another case It is a day of trouble and rebuke the Children are come to the Birth and there is no strength to bring forth Isa 37. 3. Some time after reading Isa 66. it seemed to me that that word v. 9. was suited to my Case Shall I bring to the Birth and not cause to bring forth saith the Lord Shall I cause to bring forth and shut the Womb saith thy God O my Soul wait thou on God who will perfect his own work in thee He hath said He will not break the bruised Reed nor quench the smoking Flax till he sent forth judgment unto Victory I have oftimes seen a Law in my Members warring against the Law of my mind and leading me into Captivity to the Law of sin and death So powerful and mighty have been the Actings of some inward corruptions that I have not been able to overcome them but have been hurried Captive by them Hereby I come to see that truth the heart of man is desperately wicked who can know it I cannot fathom the depth of iniquity which is in my heart Hereupon I am made to cry out with St. Paul O wretched man that I am who shall deliver me from this body of Death O Lord be not thou far from me but make hast to help me Let the sighing of the Prisoner come before thee proclaim liberty to thy Captive and the opening of the Prison door to him that is bound with the Chain of sin Isa 61. 1. Mar. 26. 1654. I find that though in my judgment and Profession I acknowledge Christ to be my Righteousness and Peace yet upon Examination I observe that my heart hath done quite another thing and that secretly I have gone about to Establish my own Righteousness and have derived my Comfort and Peace from my own Actings For when I have been disquieted by the Actings of my sin that which hath recovered me to my former Peace hath not been that I could find God speaking Peace through the blood of Christ but rather from the intermission of temptation and the cessation of those sins when I have been troubled at an evil frame of heart I do not find that the Righteousness of Christ hath been my Consolation but that which hath relieved me as far as I can find was that afterward I found my self in a better temper Having been in trouble and perplexity I have read the Scripture gone to Prayer and in doing these I have been relieved yet I do not find that at such times I had real true living Communion with God in such duties or that the Spirit of God did in those duties reveal to me my interest in Christ and so quiet my Conscience Hence I come to see
but of God Joh. 1. 13. and that God giveth power to the faint and strength to them that have no might in a way of waiting Isa 40. 29 31. I saw from these considerations further ground of hope and waiting upon God notwithstanding I find my strength perished from me Neither shall the guilt of my Sin discourage me from waiting on God from expecting of his Holy Spirit from going to Christ The whole need not a Physitian Christ deales with Sinners Mar. 2. 17. He hath said he will in no wise cast out them that come to him Joh. 6. 37. why did he shed his blood to wash away our sins How is he the Lamb of God that taketh away the sins of the world if he should cast off guilty Souls when they come unto him Is there not a fountain opened for sin and for uncleanness to wash in Zach. 13. 1. What though I be in my blood yet if I go to Christ he will not loath me Ezek. 16. 6 8. but will sprinkle clean water upon me and wash me from my filthyness Ezek. 36. 25. When therefore I find guilt upon me I will look to Jesus Christ in such promises as these Isa 1. 18. 43. 25 26. 44. 21 22. I will cry unto him that I may have the pardon of my sin Sealed up to my Soul in these promises by his Holy Spirit Neither shall my rebellious heart the perverseness and corruption of my Nature discourage me but I will with David beg a new heart and a right Spirit Ps 51. 10. I will say as Ephraim Jer. 31. 18. Turn thou me and I shall be turned God hath sent Christ to bless us in turning us from our iniquities Act. 3. 26. and to destroy what Satan hath wrought in us 1. Joh. 3. 8. therefore when I feel sin prevail and lead me captive I will with Paul cry out of this body of death Rom. 7. 24. and go to God in Jesus Christ through such promises as these Mic. 7. 18 19. Rom. 6. 14. Math. 11. 28. Isa 45. 22. Jer. 31. 33. Ezek. 36. 26. When I feel my self graceless I will look to him who is full of grace Joh. 1. 14. 16. and hath promised to give grace Ps 84. 11 even an heart to love him Deut. 30. 6. and to put his fear into us Jer. 32. 40. and to withhold no good thing if we endeavour to walk uprightly before him Ps 84. 11. When I find the plague of an hard dead heart upon me I will look unto the Lord who quickens the dead Rom. 4. 17. and can raise Children to Abraham out of Stones Math. 3. 9. I will look unto him in his Covenant promising to take away the heart of Stone and to give an heart of flesh Ezek. 36. 26. In time of desertion when God withdraws the comfortable influences of his presence I will not be discouraged but I will search my heart and try my ways and see what cause I have given the Lord to depart from me Lam. 3. 40. Josh 7. 11. 12 13. Isa 59. 2. I will earnestly seek the Lord that he would return and shine upon me and lift up the light of his countenance upon my Soul Ps 80. 3. 89. 46. Hos 5. 15. I will not only pray but wait for his return Ps 130. 5 6. Isa 8. 17. Lam. 3. 2 3. c. with 26. and in waiting I will look unto the Lord in these or like promises Ps 103. 8 9. Isa 54. 6 7 8. 57. 16 17 18. Lam. 3. 31 32. Hos 6. 1 2 3. Joh. 14. 18. When I have neglected my watch and fallen and been unstedfast in Covenant with God I will not despair but look to God in Christ that he would pardon my sin grant me repentance and restore me The Covenant of grace admits of repentance after sin Levit. 26. 21. 40. 41 42. Yea God hath exalted Christ to give repentance Act. 5. 31. hath promised to heal back-slidings Hos 14. 4. invites backsliders to return Jer. 3. 1 12 13 14. How did David behave himself when Iniquities prevailed over him He goeth to God to purge away his transgression Ps 65. 3. he maketh Supplication to God that he would not cast him out of his presence Ps 51. 11. he confesseth his sin and God pardons him Ps 32. 5. which should encourage all the Godly when they have fallen to return to the Lord ver 6. St. John layeth strict charge upon Believers that they sin not but in case of Sin he would not have them despair 1 Joh. 2. 1 2. Solomon prayed to this purpose 1 Kings 8. and God accepted ch 9 3. When therefore thou hast fallen O my Soul by thine iniquity and God hid his face and withdraws his gracious presence let thy uncircumcised heart be humbled accept of the punishment of thy sin Turn unto the Lord and and say Take away all iniquity and receive me graciously So will I praise thee Lev. 26. 41. Hos 14. 2. Let not thy falls cause thee to depart from the Living God Though thou hast played the harlot with many Lovers yet the Lord calleth thee to return Jer. 3. 1. God commands us to forgive our Brother seven times a day if he return and repent Luk. 17. 4. yea not only seven times but seventy times seven Math. 18. 21 22. And will not God much more forgive us though we fall oft if we return and seek his face Seeing his ways are far above our ways Isa 55. 7 9. Dec. 9. 1655. Having found much formality in my duties on the Sabbath and seeing my self lost in them I put the question to my Soul what if thou die this night What is thy hope How wilt thou appear before God Righteousness of thine own thou hast none to trust to thou seest how thou sinnest every day and how full of sin thy best duties are Upon this enquiry the good Spirit of God brought to my remembrance 1 Cor. 1. 30. God hath made Christ Righteousness to us and Jer. 23. 6. This is the Name by which he shall be called The Lord our Righteousness which was comfort to me and enquiring what warrant I had to believe my self to be a sharer in this Righteousness and that I stand accepted of God by vertue of this Righteousness I saw from Rom. 3. 21 22. that this Righteousness is upon all that believe Now through the Lords goodness and to his Praise be it spoken I have oftimes found my heart not only to long after pardon and renovation but to trust in Christ and in God through him for pardoning mercy and renewing grace and all other good things Dec. 16. I found the Lord graciously present with me in my morning meditation on my Bed And my Soul was much refreshed with Mr. Simond's Sermon God spake a sutable word by him to my Soul from Mat. 15. 23. But he answered her not a word God may sometimes defer to give an Answer to a gracious and well qualified Prayer 1. To correct our
an evident Answer of Prayer and a fulfilling of that promise Prov. 28. 27. He that giveth unto the poor shall not lack April 24. Being desired to go to a poor Christian I promised to go there being only two Maids in the house I considered whether it might not prove some scandal to go but considering also she was a Member of Christ and therefore I ought to Administer to her Soul I resolved to commit the taking care of my Name to the Lord and to do my duty I begged of him that he would secure me from reproach and as I went an honest poor man met me to whom I told whither I was going and asked him to go along with me he was willing and did so I looked upon him as sent by the Providence of God in Answer to my Prayer These were some of those observations and experiences which he recorded during his continuance at Cambridge Upon his removal from thence he intermitted this practice for some years but resumed it again Octob. 1662. God put it into my heart as at other times so especially on Wednesdays the day on which I was wont to Preach my Lecture when I was not diverted by some unexpected Providence to lament after the Lord who had cast me out of my employment in his Vineyard and to seek to him for a discovery of the cause for which he contends with me and that he would shew me for what sin or sins he hath sent this sad affliction and that he would give me a sanctified use thereof by purging out my sins and making me more holy and that he would restore me again to some employment in his Vineyard when and where it shall seem good in his sight Being sad and dejected because I had sinned now I was under the afflicting hand of God I was very much revived by Isa 57. 17 18. I smote him he went on in the way of his own heart I have seen his ways and will heal him Having afterward sinned again and been over-powred by a corruption which had oft prevailed over me I was caused to observe from that Scripture further that it was not only a single Act of sin which was committed but he went on in the way of his heart and God saith I have seen his ways and will heal him It was a stay to my Faith Here I observe what I have often found viz. 1. Dejection is a fore-runner of Consolation Seldom have I had trouble upon my Spirit but if I have eyed and followed after God he hath took it off by some word of promise 2. The observing and pondering of every word and Circumstance in a promise is of great use as it hath been to me 3. God openeth his promises gradually sometimes hinting and discovering one thing and then another in the promise Being foiled by sin I was raised to my former hope and affiance in God by Phil Children of God till the coming of Christ Being another time foiled with the same corruption and my heart sinking in a despondent frame I was much revived from Jam. 4. 5. 6. He giveth more grace Where I saw that even our strongest sins such as our corrupt natures are most prone to and are deeply rooted in our hearts and Spirits are conquerable by Gods grace Being troubled that I had sinned against God under his Correcting hand and having thereby lost my former Comfort which God had spoken to my Soul after my former backslidings I sighed over the great Treachery and unstedfastness of my heart and casting about in my thoughts where I should find a sutable word to fix on God brought to my remembrance Isa 48. 8 9. I knew that thou wouldest deal very Treacherously for my Names sake will I defer my Anger While I was musing and pondering hereon and had new hope put into me the Lord let in further Comfort and encouragement from vers 10 11. which is rendred by Piscat Behold I will refine thee and I will make thee a choice one in the furnace of affliction for mine own sake even for mine own sake will I do it Which gave me abundant refreshment and did marvellously strengthen my hope in God This was given me in when I had set apart some time to humble my Soul Apr. 5. 1665. I set apart that day for Fasting and Prayer on behalf of my Daughter Elianor that had been so long sick and in the Evening had my Faith revived from Isa 44. 3 I will pour my Spirit upon thy seed Apr. 7. I began the day with discourse with some Friends before I had been at my private Communion with God I met with a gentle Rebuke from the Providence of God in my Family Affairs and my heart was flat in Family duty and straitned in private I took this as an Item to begin with God before I converse with men In the Evening God came in graciously to me in my Family Exercise Apr. 9. Lords day I was much discomposed in my Spirit in the Morning by reason of a foil sin had given me the Evening before Satan would have boat me off from Preaching in my Family but I performed my Morning exercise and continued dejected till the Evening and then in Family Prayer God graciously revived me with that promise Hos 11. 10. They shall walk after the Lord in Connexion with vers 7. my people are bent to backsliding though they called them to the most high none at all would exalt him Where two things were a great relief to my Faith 1. God promiseth they should walk after him notwithstanding their habitual proness to backslide from God 2. Notwithstanding their refusing to exalt the Lord though called to it Yet within a little time I was again foiled by my corruption which made me see what a poor creature I was it left of God to my self May. 8. At eleven of the Clock at night my daughter Elianor died after a long Sickness God gave me several opportunities of recommending her Soul to him in prayer at some whereof my heart was much affected and my faith and hope acted on God for the eternal welfare of her Soul which made her departure easie to me My grounds were Gen. 17. I will establish my Covenant between me and thee and thy seed after thee for an everlasting Covenant to be a God to thee and thy seed after thee I considered that this Covenant is to give life Mal. 2. 5. And whereas the thoughts of the Child 's Original and actual Sins as frowardness c. might make me fearful of its estate It was brought to my mind that the Covenant is to give pardon of sin Heb. 8. 10 12. And whereas faith and regeneration are necessary to Salvation I considered further that the Covenant is to give all things necessary to Salvation 2 Sam. 23. 5. this is all my Salvation Besides the Consideration of the Covenant God gave me other encouragements to hope in reference to my Child as from Math. 19. 14.
of the Lords Supper I found God gracious to me in preparation In the morning when I awaked God brought to my remembrance Jer. 2. 32. Can a maid forget her Ornaments or a Bride her attire I considered I was to meet and Sup with my Bridegroom the Lord Jesus and then considered what Ornaments and attire would best please him that I might put them on and these were presented to my thoughts some as I lay in bed and some afterwards as lovely and desirable in the sight of Christ which I determined to put on 1 st A meek and quiet Spirit 1 Pet. 3. 4. 2 ly Faith Cant. 4. 9. Thou hash ravished my heart my Sister my spouse with one of thine Eyes Faith hath the office of an Eye in the Soul Joh. 6. 40. Every one that seeth and believeth Looking unto Jesus Heb 12. 2. 3 ly Love Cant. 4. 10. How fair is thy Love my Sister c. 4 ly Humility Math. 11. 29. Learn of me for I am lowly in heart 5 ly Self-denial and forsaking of every thing that cometh in Competition with Christ Ps 45 10 11. Hearken O Daughter and consider forget thine own people and thy Fathers House So shall the King greatly desire thy beauty 6 ly An obediential frame of heart Math. 10. 20 21. All these have I observed from my youth Jesus beholding him Loved him 7 ly An heart resolved to hold and maintain frequent converse and communion with him Cant. 2. 14 Let me see thy countenance let me hear thy voice for sweet is thy voice and thy Countenance is Comely 8 ly Uprightness Prov. 11. 20. 9 ly An holy fear of God and hope in his mercy Ps 147. 11. 10 ly fruitfulness Cant. 4. 16 5. 1. But though God graciously assisted me in preparation yet in the time of receiving my heart was flat and dead As soon as the Sacrament was ended I retired to my Chamber to to pray and as I was praying that Scripture was brought to my remembrance Rom. 3. 3 4. shall their unbelief make the Faith of God of none effect God forbid I argued thence that the sins of my holy things my deadness and want of holy and due affections in time of receiving should not make void what God had promised in and by this ordinance but that the Cup was to me the Communion of the blood of Christ and the New Testament in his blood and the Bred the Communion of the body of Christ This did strengthen my faith to depend upon God for the benefits signified and sealed by that Ordinance notwithstanding the indisposition of my heart in the time of receiving Sept. 29. As I was musing on that rich promise made to Abraham Gen. 15. 1. Fear not Abraham I am thy shield and thy exceeding great reward Which is sufficient to bear up the Soul under the fear and danger of any Evil and against the loss and want of any good things I considered what warrant I had to apply that promise and presently that Scripture was hinted to me Gal. 3. 9. They which be of faith are blessed with faithful Abraham I was strengthened and Comforted by it Twice in this weak I observed that Setting upon worldly business which called hastily upon me before I had been at closet prayer and performed my usual meditations on the Covenant and promises of God my heart grew out of frame and unsavory and I was Successless on both days Oct. 1. Sabbath day At my Entrance on my morning meditation on Gods Covenant I had a great combate in my Spirit about my laying claim to God as my God having been lately foiled by my sins but God helped me and shewed me out of his word that I might and ought to keep my hold of God as my God Notwithstanding my often backslidings from him Jer. 3. 1 5 7 8. yet v. 19. saith God Thou shalt call me my Father Hos 2. 5. with 16. The same evening considering how often and greatly I had sinned and yet had been forgiven I pondered on that Scripture Luke 7 47. and saw that I had cause to love the Lord much because I had much forgiven and Considering how I should shew my Love to God and that much these Scriptures were hinted to me Ps 40. 16. Let such as love thy name say Continually let the Lord be Magnified Ps 97. 10. Ye that Love the Lord hate evil Joh. 14. 10. If ye Love me keep my Commandments Joh. 21. 15. Simon lovest thou me feed my sheep feed my Lambs Lord help me thus to shew much love to thee Oct. 8. Having been overtaken with the sin which easily besets me and hath often foiled me My Spirit fell and my faith flagg'd and I could not look upon God with any boldness was indisposed to prayer Yet in time of prayer God magnified his free grace to me and revived my Souls with that word 1 Joh. 2. 1 2. If any man sin we have an Advocate c. After I had ended my Supplications I pondered on that Scripture and was comforted against the sense of my sin by the Advocateship of Jesus Christ who pleadeth his propitiatory Sacrifice as a Satisfaction to his Fathers justice for the sins of believers as oft as they fall into them and querying with my self whether he would be an Advocate to me to plead for me I was satisfied from that word Joh. 6. 37. him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out I was also further encouraged from Heb. 7. 25. I considered that the Intercession of Christ answered all charges and accusations that could be brought against those for whom he interceded Rom. 8. 33. 34. and that the Intercession of Christ kept us â—o firmly in the love of God that nothing could be able to separate us from it Rom. 8. 34. 35 38 39. I considered further that the persons for whom he interceded were such as came to God by him and that he interceded for them at all times when they are fallen as well as when they stand when they are dead as well as when in a lively frame for He ever liveth to make intercession After these meditations my Spirit revived and notwithstanding I was before bowed down under the sense of guilt I went with boldness to God leaning upon the merits and Intercession of Jesus Christ Oct. 13. My Spirit being bowed down with the sense of guilt because I was foiled by a Sin against which I had prayed many years I was revived in reading in my course 2 Cor. 12. 7 8 9. Whence I observed 1 st God seeth it needful for some of his Servants to meet with buffeting 2 ly When God le ts loose any corruption a thorn in the flesh or a temptation a messenger of Satan to buffet us It is to keep us humble and from being exalted 3 ly God suffers his faithful Servants sometimes to pray long against corruption or temptation and yet cannot get it removed 4 ly Though my strength was not
and miserable to die in sin in a state of sin in the guilt of sin under the reign and power of sin in the arms and embraces of sin Sin being the transgression of a righteous Law the violation of infinite Holiness and Justice and rebellion against Divine Majesty and Authority it always hath demerit and guilt consequent upon it which obligeth and bindeth the sinner to undergoe that punishment which is naturally due to it Which punishment is Death Rom 1. 32. they which Commit such things are worthy of death Thus sin becomes the weapon or sting of Death by which it hath power to destroy Death cometh upon the Sinner as a bailiff or Sergeant from the Judge with warrant to apprehend and bring the Sinner to give account or as an executioner to take vengeance to pay the Sinner the just wages of his sin for the reparation of a broken Law for the satisfaction of offended Justice for the Declaration of Divine hatred and displeasure against sin and for the manifestation of Gods Glorious power and wrath against the guilty And what a terror must Death needs be when it appears in this shape and armed with this sting Know O presumptuous and secure Sinner Though wickedness be now sweet in thy mouth and thou hidest it under thy tongue Though thou swallowest down deliciously thy forbidden morsells of sensual pleasure and worldly gain yet this meat will soon be turned in thy bowels and become the gall of asps within thee At last at death it will bite as a serpent and sting like an adder What horrour will fill thy soul when approaching Death shall awaken thy sleepy Conscience as oft times it doth and thy awakened Conscience shall charge thee with thy inexcusable transgression of a Righteous Law thy gross neglect of Commanded duty thy industerious provision to satisfie the flesh thy ready compliance with the call of temptations thy irreparable loss of precious time Thy hypocritical dealing with God in Covenant the Stopping of thine eares at the voice of Conscience the shutting of thine eyes against the light of Scripture the hardening of thy heart against the motions of the Spirit thy unbelieving refusals of an offered Saviour thy unprofitable misimprovement of means of Grace thy unthankful abuse of the mercies of God and obstinate incorrigibleness under his Judgments with many other instances of multiplyed and aggravated sins through a long life Whence will arise dismal apprehensions of the wrath of an offended God a certain fearful expectation of Judgment to come and a pre-occupation of eternal torments and everlasting burnings This is that sting of Death the weapon wherewith it is armed against thee wherein Consists its power and by which it is so terrible 2. Add to this the strength which this sting hath from the Law For saith the Apostle The strength of sin is the Law and that two ways 1 st As the Law discovers and convinceth of sin Rom. 5. 13. Sin is not imputed where there is no Law Men are not prone to charge themselves with sin where there is no Law therefore Gal. 3. 19. the Law was added because of transgressions that is to make transgressions appear Hence we read Rom. 3. 20. By the Law is the knowledge of sin and Rom. 7. 9 13. I was alive without the Law once in my own opinion but when the Commandment came Sin revived and I died I was convinced I was in a state of Sin and death and v. 13. Sin by the Commandement becomes exceeding sinful Thus sin as the sting of Death is strengthned by the Law while men thereby are more cleerly and fully convinced of it and the greater the conviction is the sharper is the sting 2 ly As the Law Curseth and condemneth the sinner Gal. 3. 10. Cursed is every one that continueth not in all things which are written in the book of the Law to do them hence as before Rom. 7. 9. When the Commandment Came. I died and 2 Cor. 3. 7. The Law is called the Ministration of death The Law binds the sinner over to the Judgment of the great day It holds him fast under his guilt without hope of pardon passeth sentence of Condemnation upon him and begins the execution by wounding the Spirit terrifying the Soul with pre-apprehensions and foretasts of the wrath to come The sum of the terror of Death is this Approaching death awakeneth the secure Conscience Awakened Conscience charged with the guilt of sin This sin is strengthened with a Convincing cursing Law The dying wretch seeth his day of sensual delights and pleasures his day of worldly gains and purchases his day of Carnal fellowship with men and especially his day of Grace and mercy with God passing away finds his Spirit fainting his heart and flesh failing anguish and pangs taking hold of him and his soul forthwith to be Required Apprehended Arrested Summoned and haled out of his body from all freinds means helps and hopes to appear naked before God the Judge of all men to give an account of a sinful life and to receive a righteous doom viz. Depart from me ye Cursed into everlasting fire prepared for the Devil and his Angels and then to go away into everlasting punishment At this what heart of man can contain and possess himself without fear Who but must be appalled confounded amazed terrified Knowing the terror saith St. Paul 2 Cor. 5. 1. Speaking of this appearance and account Felix trembled saith St. Luke Act. 24. 25. When he heard of Judgment to come It is a fearful looking for of Judgment and fierie indignation saith the Author to the Hebrews chap. 10. 27. and a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the Living God ver 31. Thus have we represented the Enemy Death in its power and pomp as it reigneth over the fallen Sons and Daughters of Adam which appears so terrible that woe be to those that fall under the power of it 2. We will now shew you this Enemy fallen and overcome before Believers Believers are Victorious over Death Object But saith Natural Carnal reason Is not this a great Paradox who will believe it One Enoch indeed was translated that he should not see Death and Elijah went up to Heaven in a fiery Chariot But else the Patriarchs and Prophets and Apostles and all the Saints in their Successive generations have yielded up to Death And doth not every day bear witness Are we not all here this day lamenting a very holy and Eminent Saint and Servant of Jesus Christ fallen by the stroke of Death Where then is the Victory And How is Death overcome Answ Notwithstanding all this yet Verily Death is overcome Not ut ne sit but ut ne obsit Not that it should not be but that it should not be hurtful to believers and this Victory consists in four things 1. Death is disarmed to believers that it cannot sting them When death cometh it finds no sin in them unpardoned no guilt remaining as an obligation
what great need I have and that it is of singular use to watch over my Soul in all its ways both in reference to sin that I fall not into it and when fallen what the Carriage and Actings of my Soul are at such a time Whether I flee for relief to God in Christ or to my own works And in reference to my duties to take heed lest those means which God hath appointed to be the conveyances of himself his Son and Spirit and all Spiritual blessings should prove to me a mean of Death and Separation from God by my formal use of them and resting in them For as Satan keeps some alienated from God by the gross pollutions of the world So others from Christ by their Establishing a Righteousness of their own O Lord break thou this snare for me and let my Soul escape as a bird from the Net that I may flee to thee and be at rest I have observed in my self that when God at any time is pleased to work any thing in my Soul I soon lose it if he quicken me I soon grow dead hearted again if he enliven my affections they soon grow cold and flat and my old hardness returns upon me Hence I come to see that it is infinite Wisdom and Goodness in God that he hath not put the stock of grace into our own hands but hath treasured it up in Christ that our life is now hid with Christ in God for so it becomes sure Rom. 4. 16. hereby also I come to see that I have need of continual recourse to Jesus Christ for new supplies of grace and strength The Lord God in his wisdom was pleased when he delivered his people out of Egypt before he brought them to Canaan to lead them 40 years in the wilderness when as he could have led them a nearer way to Canaan Exod. 13. 17. He chose rather to lead them through the great and terrible Wilderness Jer. 2. 6. where were fiery Serpents and Scorpions and drought where there was no water where he brought them forth water out of the Rock of Flint and fed them with Manna for this end that he might humble them prove them and do them good in the latter end Deut. 8. 15 16. Doest thou find it so O my Soul in thy travail towards the Heavenly Canaan Doest thou walk through much Spiritual drought a land of deserts and of the shadow of death Dost meet with a flinty heart and fiery temptations Know that the Lord doth this to humble thee which through his grace thou hast sometimes found and to prove thee i. e to discover thee to thy self for he himself knows thy thoughts afar off and this way of God through grace hath been a means of discovering much of thy corrupt heart to thee and that he may doe thee good in the latter end Therefore take heed O my Soul of Israel's sins of murmuring against God under thy wants of unbeleif and tempting God c. Read oft and weight well the 78th Psalm May 6. being Sabbath day The Lord was pleased in the hearing of his word to convince me of my sin and lost condition But Lord How unfaithful was I then and have I been since to the Convictions of thy Spirit How soon have I healed up the wound that was given by the word How soon hath an hard heart a secure careless Spirit taken possession of me Lord If ever thy word be effectual in me thou must not only speak it to my heart but write and engraff it there also Henceforth I desire to wait on thee as for the teachings of thy Spirit so for the writing of thy Law in my heart by thy Spirit I found a lothness in my Spirit to go to here this Sermon whereby I perceive Satan would have hindred me Be encouraged hence O my Soul to break through all difficulties thou meetest with in doing thy duty When thou findest any secret unwillingness to ordinances or duties then stir up thy self to wait upon God expecting that he hath some special mercy for thee which Satan would hinder thee off Jun. 1. This day the Lord did in the hearing of his word revive some convictions which have formerly been upon my Spirit though in a very languid manner I stood convinced before the Lord of unbelief and that I was a lost creature because thereof from the words of our Saviour Joh. 3. 18. He that believeth not is Condemned already Conscience tells me that I am yet in unbelief that I want that faith which is accompanied with the new birth Joh. 1. 12 13. that faith which should purge me from Atheism formality and resting in duties from hypocrisie and deadness from unclean affections and inordinate Love of the world from a vain mind and a light Spirit that faith which should purifie my heart from these and the like evils Act. 15. 9. that faith which should make Christ a greater Reality and more precious to me than any thing in the world 1 Pet. 2. 7. that faith which brings peace with God and joy in the Holy Ghost unspeakable and full of Glory Rom. 5. 1. 1 Pet. 1. 8. I find I have had a dead faith Jam. 2. 17 20. and presumed upon Gods Mercy in Christ although I have been estranged from God in my heart and Nature my Resting in duties and trusting in my own Righteousness as far as I can see hath been the deceit of my heart Lord lay this conviction upon my Conscience for I find my heart would put it off yea it hath already desperately hardned it self against thee I fear I shall out-grow this Conviction of thy word as at other times I feel a careless Spirit that would make light of Eternity and of Jesus Christ Lord break my heart under thy word for my unbelief and neglect of Christ Let me not heal my self but wait till thou shalt heal me Thou didst help the unbelief of thy Servant Thomas Oh that thou wouldest help mine also The Lord hath shewn me that I am dead in sin not only from the testimony of his word Eph. 2. 1. Col. 2. 13. but by inward experience For I feel my self alienated from the life of God cut off from communion with the Lord Jesus separate from God and his blessed Spirit My deceitful heart hath often gone about to repel this conviction and hath caused me sometimes to mistake a life of morality for Spiritual life and at other times a life of formality But now I find the Scripture speaks of dead works and calls for repentance from them Heb. 6. 1. and purging our consciences from them Heb. 9. 14. By dead works I understand not only the gross pollutions of the World but all works whatever that are done by a man void of the quickning Spirit of God Without Union to Christ there is no Spiritual life for as the natural life results from the Union of the Soul with the body and the State of death is nothing but the