would appear that He that digs in a Mine for his Bread lives ten thousand times more at Ease then the other with Beating of his Brains Night and Day for new shifts Tricks and Projects to keep himself above water Observe his Companions now his Fool and his Flatterer They are too hard for him ye see and Eat Drink and make Merry at his Expence What greater Misery or shame in the World then for a Man to make a Friendship with such Rascals and to spend his Time and Estate in so Brutal and Insipid a Society It costs him more beside his Credit to maintain that Couple of Coxcombs then would have bought him the Conversation of as many Grave and learned Philosophers But will ye now see the Bottom of this Scandalous and Dishonorable Kindness My Lord says the Buffon you were most infallibly wrapt in your Mother's Smock for let me be if ye have not set all the Ladies about the Court Agog The very Truth is cryes the Parasite all the rest of the Nobility look like Corn-Cutters to you and indeed wherever you come you have still the Eyes of the whole Company upon you Go to Go to Gentlemen â—ays my Lord you must not flatter your Friends This is more your Courtesy then my Desert and I have an Obligation to you for your Kindness After this Manner these Asses Knab and Curry one Another and play the Fools by Turns The old Man had his words yet between his Teeth when there past just by us a Lady of Pleasure of so Excellent a shape and Garb that it was Impossible to see her without a Passion for her and no less impossible to look upon any thing else so long as she was to be seen They that had seen her once were to see her no more for she turn'd her face still to New-Comers Her Motion was graceful and Free One while she 'd stare ye full in the Eyes under colour of opening her Hood to set it in better Order By and by shee 'd steal a look at ye with one Eye and a side face from the Corner of her Vizor like a Witch that 's afraid to be discover'd when she comes from a Catterwall And then out comes the Delicate Hand and discovers the more Delicious Neck and Breasts to adjust the Handkercher or the Scarfe or to remove some other Grievance that made her Ladyship uneasy Her Hair was most artiâ—icially dispos'd into Careless Rings And the best Red and White in Nature was in her Cheeks if that of her Lips and Teeth did not Exceed it In a word all she look't upon was her own and This was the Vision for my Money from all the Rest. As she was marching off I could not chuse but take up a Resolution to follow her But my old man laid a Block in the way and stop't me at the very starting which was an Affront to a Man that was both in Love and in Haste that might very well stir his Choler My Officious Friend said I He that does not love a Woman suck't a Sow And questionless He must be either Blind or Barbarous that 's Proof against the Charms of so Divine a Beauty Nor would any but a Sot let slip the blessed Opportunity of so fair an Encounter A Handsome Woman why what was she made for but to be Lov'd And He that has Her has all that 's Lovely or Desireable in Nature For my own part I would renounce the World for the fellow of her and never desire any thing either beyond her or beside her What Lightning does she carry in her Eyes What Charms and Chains in her Looks and Motions for the very Souls of her Beholders Was ever any thing so clear as her forehead Or so black as her Eye-brows One would swear that her Complexion had taken a Tincture of Vermilion and Milk and that Nature had brought her into the World with Pearl and Rubies in her Mouth To speak all in little she 's the Master-piece of the Creation worthy of Infinite Praise and Equal to our largest Desires Here the Old man cut me short and bad me make an end of my Discourse for thou art said He a Man of much wonder and small Experience and deliver'd over to the Spirit of Folly and Blindness Thou hast thy Eyes in thy Head and yet not Brain Enough to know either why they were given Thee or How to Use them Understand then that the Office of the Eye is to see but 't is the Privilege of the Soul to distinguish and Chuse whereas you either do the Contrary or else Nothing which is worse He that trusts his Eyes exposes his Mind to a Thousand Torments and Confusions He shall take Clouds for Mountains Streight for Crooked One Colour for Another by reason of an Vndue distance or an indispos'd Medium We are not able sometimes to say what way a River runs till we throw in a Twig or a straw to find out the Current And what will you sâ—y now if this Prodigious Beauty your New Mistress prove as Gross a Cheat and Imposture as any of the Rest She went to Bed last night as Ugly as a Witch and yet this Morning she comes forth in your Opinion as Glorious as an Angel The Truth of it is she Hires all by the Day and if you did but see this Puppet taken to pieces you would find her little else but Paint and Plaister To begin her Anatomy at the Head You must know that the Hair she wears is borrow'd of a Tire-woman for her own was blown off by an Unlucky Wind from the Coast of Naples Or if she has any left she keeps it private as a Memorial of her Antiquity She is beholden to the Pencil for her Eye-brows and Complexion And upon the whole matâ—er she is but an old Picture refresh't But the wonder is to see a Picture with Life and Motion unless perchance she has got the Necromancer's Receit that made himself Young again in his Glass-Bottle For all that you see of her that 's Good comes from Distill'd Waters Essences Powders and the like and to see the Washing of her Face would fright the Devil She abounds in Pomanders Sweet waters Spanish-Pockets Perfum'd-Drawers and all little Enough to qualify the Poysonous Whiffs she sends from her Toes and Arm-Pits which would otherwise out-stink Ten thousand Pole-Cats She cannot chuse but Kiss well for her Lips are perpetually bath'd in Oyl and Grease And he that Embraces her shall find the better half of her the Taylors and only a stuffing of Cotton and Canvas to supply the Defects of her Body When she goes to Bed she puts off one half of her Person with her Shooes What do ye think of your ador'd Beauty now or have your Eyes betray'd ye Well well confess your Errour and mend it and know that without more Descant upon this woman 't is the Design and Glory of most of the Sex to lead Silly Men Captive Nay take the best
of this accursed Algouazil for I am a Devil you must know of Reputation and Quality and shall never be able to endure the gibes and affronts will be put upon me at my return to Hell for having kept this Rascal company All in good time said the Father thou shalt have thy discharge but in pity to this miserable Creature and not for thy own sake But tell me now what makes thee torment him thus Nothing in the world quoth the Devil but a contest betwixt him and me which was the greater Devil of the two The Conjurer did not at all relish these wild and malicious replies but â—o me the Dialogue was extream pleasant especially being by this time a little familiariz'd with the Devil Upon which confidence my Good Father said I here are none but Friends and I may speak to you as my Confessour and the Confident of all the secrets of my soul I have a great mind with your leave to ask the Devil a few Questions and who knows but a man may be the better for his Answers though perchance contrary to his intention keep him only in the interim from tormenting the poor creature The Conjurer granted my request and the Spirit went on with his babble Well says he smiling the Devil shall never want a Friend at Court so long as there 's a Poet within the Walls And indeed the Poets do us many a good turn both by Pimping and otherwise but if you said he should not be kind to us looking upon me you 'l bethought very ungrateful considering the honour of your entertainment now in Hell I ask't him then what store of Poets they had who le swarms says the Devil so many that we have been forc'd to make more room for them Nor is there any thing in nature so pleasant as a Poet in the first year of his probation he comes ye laden forsooth with Letters of Recommendation to our Superiours and enquires very gravely for Charon Cerberus Rhadamanthus AEacus Minos Well said I but what 's their punishment for I began now to make the Poets case my own Their punishments quoth the Devil are many and suited to the Trade they drive Some are condemn'd to hear other mens works and this is the plague of the Fidlers too We have others that are in for a thousand year and yet still poring upon some old Stanzas they have made of Jealousie Some again are beating their fore-heads with the palms of their hands and even boring their very Noses with hot Irons in rage that they cannot come to a resolution whether they shall say Face or Visage whether they shall write Iayl or Gaol whether Cony or Cunny because it comes from Cuniculus a Rabbet Others are biting their Nails to the quick and at their Wits end for a Rime to Chimney and dozing up and down in a brown study till they drop into some hole at last and give us trouble enough to get them out again But they that suffer the most and fare the worst are your Comick Poets for whoring so many Queens and Princesses upon the stage and coupling Ladies of Honour with Lacquies and Noblemen with common Strumpets in the winding up of their Plays and for giving the Bastonado to Alexander and Iulius Caesar in their Interludes and Farces Now be it known to you that we do not lodge these with other Poets but with Petty-foggers and Attournies as common dealers in the mystery of Shifting Shuffling Forging and Cheating And now for the discipline of Hell you are to understand we have incomparable Harbingers and Quarter-masters insomuch that let them come in whole Caravans as it hapn'd t' other day every man is in his quarter before you can say what 's this There came to us several Tradesmen the first of them a Poor Rogue that made profession of drawing the long Bow and him we were about to put among the Armorers but one of the company moved and carried it that since he was so good at draughts he might be sent to the Clerks and Scrivners a sort of people that will fit you with draughts good and bad of all sorts and sizes and to all purposes Another called himself a Cutter we ask'd him whether in Wood or Stone Neither said he but in Cloth and Stuffe Anglice a Taylor and him we turn'd over to those that were in for Detraction and Calumny and for cutting large Thongs out of other mens Leather There was a Blind fellow would fain have been among the Poets but for likeness sake we quartered him among the Lovers After him came a Sexton or as he styl'd himself a Buryer of the Dead and then a Cook that was troubled in Conscience for putting off Catts for Hares These were dispatch'd away to the Pastry-men A matter of half a dozen Crack-brain'd Fools we disposed of among the Astrologers and Alchymists In the number there was one notorious Murtherer and him we pack'd away to the Gentlemen of the Faculty the Physitians The Broken Merchants we kennel'd with Iudas for making ill bargains Corrupt Ministers and Magistrates with the Thief on the left hand The Embroylers of Affairs and the Water-bearers take up with the Vintners and the Brokers with the Iews Upon the whole matter the policy of Hell is admirable where every man has his place according to his condition As I remember said I you were speaking e'en now concerning Lovers Pray tell me have you many of them in your Dominions I ask because I am my self a little subject to the itch of Love as well as Poetry Love says the Devil is like a great spot of Oyl that diffuses it self every where and consequently Hell cannot but be sufficiently stockt with that sort of Vermine But let me tell you now we have several sorts of Lovers some dote upon themselves others upon their Pelf these upon their own Discourses those upon their own Actions and once in an Age perchance comes a fellow that dotes upon his own Wife but this is very rare for the Jades commonly bring their Husbands to repentance and then the Devil may throw his Cap at them But above all for sport if there can be any in Hell commend me to those Gawdy Monsieurs who by the variety of Colours and Ribbands they wear Favours as they call them one would swear were only dress'd up for a Sample or kind of Inventory of all the Gew-Gaws that are to be had for love or money at the Mercers Others you shall have so overcharged with Perrugue that you 'l hardly know the Head of a Cavalier from the ordinary Block of a Tire-woman And sâ—me again you 'd take for Carriers by their pacquets and bundles of Love-Letters which being made combustible by the fire and flame they treat of we are so thrifty as to employ upon the sindging of their own Tailes for the saving of better Fuel But oh the pleasant postures of the Maiden-Lover when he is upon the practice of the Gentle-Leere and
no more upon hazard of Painâ— Corporal and Spiritual And they desir'd him too that he would not lay down his Employment for he was strong enough yet to do very good service in it But to think of Easing himself by going to a Pretender he 'd find himself mistaken for 't was a Duty he 'd never be able to endure Well! says he ee'n what your Highness pleases But truly I thâ—ught a Devil might have liv'd very Comfortably in that Condition for he has no more to do that I can see then to keep his Ears open and learn his Trade For put Case it should be some Pretender to a Good Office or a fat Bishoprick though the Fathers and Counsels are against Pretenders in This Case I Phansy to my self all the Pleasure and Divertisement that may be It is as good as going to School for these People teach the Devils their A. B. C. And all that we have to do is to sit still and learn The Vision that follow'd this was the Daemon of Tabacca which I must confess did not a little surprize me I have indeed often said to my self Certainly These Smokers are Possest but I could never swear it till now I have said the Devil by bringing this Weed into Spain reveng'd the Indians upon the Spaniards for all the Massacres and Butcheries they committed there and done Them more Mischief then ever Colon Cortes Almero Pizarro did in the Indies By how much it is more honourable to dye upon a Sword 's point by Gun-shot or at the Mouth of a Cannon then for a man to Snivel and Sneeze himself into another World or to go away in a Meagrim or a Spotted-Feaver perchance which is the Ordinary effect of this poysonous Tabacca It is with Tobacconists as 't is with Demoniacs under an Exorcism They fume and Vaper but the Devil sticks to them still Many there are that make a very Idol of it they admire they adore it tempting and persecuting all people to take it and the bare mention of it puts them into an Extasie In the Smoke it is a Probation for Hell where another day they must Endure Smoking Taken in Powder at the Nose it draws upon Youth the Incommodities of old age in the perpetual Annoyance of Rheum and Drivel The Devil of Subornation came next which was a good complexion'd and a well timber'd Devil to my great Amazement I must acknowledg for I had never seen any Devils till now but what were Extreme Ugly The Air of his face was so familiar to me that methought I had seen it in a Thousand several places somâ—time under a Veil sometime open now under one shape and then under another One while he call'd himself Child's-play Another while Kind Entertainment Here Payment there Restitution and in a third place Almes but in fine I could never learn his right Name I remember in some places I have heard him call'd Inheritance Profit Good Cheap Patrimony Gratitude Here he was call'd Doctor there Batchelor With the Lawyers Solliciters and Atturneys he past under the Name of Right and the Confessers call'd him Charity He was well accompany'd and stil'd himself Satan's Lieutenant but there was a Devil of Consequence that oppos'd him might and main and made This Proclamation of himself Be it known says he that I am the Great Embroyler and Politick Entangler of Affairs The Deluder of Princes The Pretext of the Vnworthy and the Excuse of Tyrants I can make Black White and give what Colour I please to the foulest Actions in Nature If I had a Mind to overturn the World and put all in a general Confusion I could do it for I have it in my Power to Banish Order and Reason out of it To turn Sauciness and Importunity into Merit Example into Necessity To give Law to Success Authority to Infamy and Credit to Insolence I have the Tongues of all Counsellers at my Girdle and they shall speak neither more nor less then just as I please In short That 's Easie to me which others account Impossible and while I live ye need never fear either Virtue Justice or Good Government in the World This Devil of Subornation that talks of his Lieutenancy what could he ever have done without me He 's a Rascal that no Person of Quality would admit into his Company if I did not fit him with Vizors and Disguises Let him hold his Tongue then and know himself and let me hear no more of those Disputes about the Lieutenancy of Hell for I have Lucifer's Broad Seal to shew for my Title to 't For my part cry'd another Mutinous Spirit I am one of those humble-minded Devils that can content my self to hold the Door upon a good Occasion or knock under the Table and play at small Game rather then stand out But few words among Friends are best and when I have spoken three or four let him come up that lists I am then says he the Devil Interpreter and my business is to Gloss upon the Text In which Case the Cuckolds are Exceedingly beholden to me for I have much to say for the Honour of the Horn. How should a poor fellow that has a handsome Wench to his Wife and never a penny to live on hold up his Head in the World if it were not for that Quality I have a pretty faculty in doing good Offices for Distressed Ladies at a time of Need and I make the whole Sex sensible how great a Folly and Madness it is to neglect those sweet opportunities Among other Secrets I have found out a way to establish an Office for Thievery where the Officers shall be Thieves and Iustify it when they have done Here he stop't There was a short Silence and then there appear'd another Devil of about a foot and a half long I am says he a Devil but of a small size and perhaps one of the least in Hell and yet the Door opens to me as well as to another for I never come Empty-handed Why what have you brought then says the Intermedler and came up to him What have I brought quoth he I have brought an Eternal Talker and a Finical Flatterer They are two pieces that were in high Esteem in the Cabinets of two Great Princes and I have brought them for a Present to Lucifer With That Lucifer cast his Eye upon them and with a Damn'd-Verjuice-face as if he had bitten a Crab You do well says he to say ye had them at Court and I think you should do well to carry them thither again for I had as live have their Room as their Company After him follow'd another Dwarf-Devil complaining that he had been a matter of six years about so infamous a Rascal that there was no good to be done with him for the Bad as well as the Better sort were Scandaliz'd at his Conversation A mighty Piece of business cry'd the Governante And could you not have gotten him a handsome Office or Employment That would