nothing that you get will prosper with you and what beauty delectation your body now containeth shall be of small continuance your haire which now is fast and thick shall fall from your head like leaues in Autumne your forehead which now is smooth shall soone be wrinkled like parched parchment your complexion which now is sanguine shall be of a saffron colour your cheekes thinne your nosethrils putrifactions your mouth toothlesse your breath noysome your flesh rotten your bones cankerous your pleasure shall be turned into paine your singing into sorrow Aches shall lodge in your head anguish in your heart diseases in euery part parcell of your body and after all these thy soule suffer perpetuall torments A side she walked and Mockso without any knocking skipped to the doore for the Wagge imagined shee could not want companions or seruants in this age so long as her good face lasted The retainer which waited on the woman entereth to know his fortune whom Mockso describeth as hee enters IS there any other come said Fido There is one comming answered Mockso he will scarce sée the way in his haire hangeth so in his light Fatuus in facie leno in corpore He looketh fat in the face and leane in the body how full of choler he is yet so long as those huge flops swagge about him he will be in some compasse his bootes are wrinkled as though they were made of olde wiues faces what capt on the toes sure he will not put off one of those caps to the best man that méeteth him in sober sadnesse his spurres haue scaped a scouring they looke so rustily whatsoeuer he be I thinke he would proue an honest man if hee would wash his face and serue God Opinion vpon the retainer SErue God said Opinion the diuell he will as soone hee hath not séene the insides of a Church these seuen yeares vnlesse with deuotion to pick a pocket or peruert some honest mans wife he would on purpose be pued with all villanie is his contemplation ribaldrie his talke and detestation his déedes Cardes are his darlings wherewith he playeth and a paire of Dice his onely Paradice he will omit no villanie he can cleanly commit he will cheat his father cosen his mother and cony-catch his owne sister if he can imagine the meanes how his owne wife he will make a prostitute for mony and hold the candle to any incarnate diuell whilst he committeth the déedes of darknesse with her sixe pence will make him sweare or forsweare any thing in a word he is a Post for Puncks an Harbinger for Whoremongers a Blood-hound for Bawdes a perfidious Pander Fido his speech to the Pander shewing his lewdnesse and fortune O Lamentable thy case is damnable thy trade odious thy selfe abominable thou art a man whose conditions I know not by experience neither haue I reade of many such as thy selfe in auncient Writers yet some of thy sect there were of whom I tooke little notice because I neuer meant to haue any commerce with them notwithstanding seeing I haue heard so much I could amply delate of thy sinne but I know it needlesse for my hope is I haue deiected the foundation whereon all thy practises are built I meane the woman thy Mistresse which was euen now with me and if shee fall from her former follie thou canst not stand vnlesse thou gettest some crooked prop to support thee which cannot hold long expect therefore no other fortune then vntimely death either by the stab in some drunken fray managed in the defence of your maintainer or by some disease got by her or by the halter if you doe not alter away the Pander walked after his Mistresse and another knocked at the gate The extortioner hobleth to know his fortune and is described by Mockso as he entereth VVHo is that said Fido that commeth next Vetus vietus veternosus senex a wise man I le warrant him for he can kéepe him selfe warme no friend to the Barber it should séeme by his rusticall ouer growne and vnfinified beard his gowne is throughly foxt yet he is sober for hee looketh as though he quenched his thirst with whay and water rather then with wine and stout Béere and his Mandilion edged round about with the stigmaticall Latine word Fur a ruffe about his neck not like a Ruffian but inch broad with small sets as if a péece of a Tobacco pipe had béene his poking stick his gloues are thrust vnder his girdle that you may sée how he rings his fingers blesse his worship now he commeth coughing in Opinion of the Extortioner comming to know his fortune HE is said Opinion miser qui nummos admiratur miserable or an able miser which maketh much of money Gold is his God and Siluer his Saint Bondes are his Bibles and Obligations his Horizons Scriueners are his Priests which doe his seruice and consoning Brokers his Christian brethren Security is his secretarie and Sergeants his seruing men he liueth by vse like a Bawde and dealeth deceitfully like a cheating gamester he is a rare Alchimist which from a little gold and siluer wil abstract a million in time Better is a poore Gentleman to fall into the pawes of a Lion then betweene his clutches and may with more safety escape the gripe of a she Beare then to be released from his leases to be briefe with him he is an insatiable cormorant or rather corne-vorant a bottomlesse Barathrum a mercilesse mony-monger a filthy forty in the hundreth an vnconscionable Extortioner Fido his Oration to the Extortioner displaying his damnable dealing and Fortune FAther you are welcome and without feare or flatterie I will breefely tell you my minde You haue long traffickt in a wicked and vnlawfull trade wicked I call it because it is repugnant to the lawes of the highest enacter of all decrees vnlawfull I may auouch it because I neuer knew nor heard of any good law maintaining it for the former if you run ouer the booke of bookes you shall finde many fearfull iudgements denounced against you and the latter you cannot contradict it by no Countrie lawes which although they flatly denie thee to take aboue tenne in the hundreth a veniall sinne in respect of thy capitall and deadly offence yet dooth it not authorise thee to take so much but taxeth thee if thou vsurpest any more But what should I talke of this text which hath beene throughly intreated of by better and more iudicious then my selfe or why should I wast my breath to thee which hast neither faith hope nor charity What doe I talke of these thinges to thee whom the loue of riches hath so besotted that it is impossible to diuert it or how should I thinke to preuaile by disswading Cum te neque feruidus aestus Dimoueat lucro neque hyemps ignis mare ferrū when neither the parching heate nor benumbing cold neither fire sword nor sea can disswade Impulit amentes aurique cupidine caecos Ire
though he be no drunkard yet he is none of his owne man he was a pretty boy an handsome stripling and is a proper man peeuish in his childhood proude in his youth prodigall now in his best yeares he spendeth his portion in hope of preserment wasteth his substance in liewe of aduancement consumeth quite all in expectation of some requitall his greatest felicity is to court the Chamber maides in a corner and his chiefest exercise to make his Masters friends dependants drunke bee fawneth vpon them his Master fauoureth and frumpeth those his Mistresse frownes on he was trained vp in some point of a Ioyners trade to make legges and the best part of his Rhetoricke is I forsooth and no forsooth the iniunctions he standeth bound too is to runne at all calles rise at all houres and ride in all seasons eating that which his Master left and wearing that which his Master left if hee can get it which sheweth that he is the Ante-ambulo of a Gentle woman the consequent of a Gentleman the antecedent of a Port-mantua or a Cloke-bagge A Seruingman Fidoes Oration to the Seruingman teaching him briefely how to behaue himselfe in seruice and telling him his Fortune INgratefull and hard hearted are many of our age respecting none but such as profite and pleasure them at the instant industrious therefore ought you be to get your Masters fauour and hauing gotten it circumspect to keepe the same and albeit some there are respecting their seruices no longer then they supplie their lustes and lucre thrusting them out of their gates vnrewarded for the smallest trifle and displeasure conceiued against them yet the world knoweth and thousands will acknowledge the fluent liberality of true bred Gentillity extended to their followers who by the raising hand of their Lords assistance haue ascended many high and loftie steppes of dignity but such Masters are not sowne euerie where neither were they swaggering drunkards or swearing Iackes which haue thus flourishingly sprowted vp by seruice but men of good demeanor and well quallified for the wise looke not only on the out sides they prie into behauiour integritie and vprightnesse It is not profound quaffing or domineering will doe you any good roysting and ryoting wil neuer raise you vnlesse vp to the Gallowes This therefore is your fortune If you be in good seruice and will not with care and diligence keepe you in it when you would haue the like againe you shall goe without it if you take time you may thriue but if you let him passe by you may call your heart out and neuer reclaime him for time though hee be an olde man yet he is quicke of foote and hauing gotten the start of any is neuer ouer-taken if you gather nothing in the Summer of your youth in the Winter of your age you may goe begge for hee that might doe well and would not when hee wanteth shal be vnpittied and when you become old poore too then shall you be spurned with the heele of disdaine by euery foote-boy reiected as an old woman which spent her youth wantonly then shall you heare of your olde vagaries your former follies shal be laide in your dish if in your iollity you wronged any they will wait for reuenge in the time of your want and weakenesse when the Lion was olde and toothlesse the Asse reuenged an inueterate iniurie he had sustained long before but now you are in place if you demeane your selfe honestly now you are young preserue that you get carefully now you are in seruice performe it faithfully you may hereafter purchase much comfort goods and credit So the creature followed his Master and another knocked at the gate The lewde woman commeth to knowe her Fortune whom Mockso describeth entring WHo is that said Fido One with a maske forsooth because you may aske said Mockso a woman of tall stature and vpright bodie it is wel if her life be like it high forehead round cheeks dimpled chinne sleeke necke and slender waste in a light coloured hat light coloured fanne light coloured gown though she were in the darke she would appeare a light woman Opinion anatomizing the conditions of the wicked Woman O Said Opinion this is one of your lazie liquerous Lasciuious feminine ingenderers more wauering then a Wethercocke more wanton thenan Ape more wicked then an Infidell the very sinke of sensuality and poole of putrifaction a Sylla to Citizens and Caribdis to Countrie men a comfort for cut-purses and a companion for conycatchers a Factor for many Tauerns and Benefactor for most Barber-Surgeons a palsie to the bodie a canker to the soule a consumption to the purse by birth commonly a Bastard by nature a Camball by art a puritan in aluring a Syren in shew a Saint in deede a Diuell and in plaine English a Whoore of all iniquities beleeue her not for shee liueth by lying touch her not for she is pitch inquinans omnes qui tangunt eam proffer her nothing for she wil pocke eat al. And now sir shee appeareth in her lightnesse before you The Fortune-tellers Oration to the Mercinarie wicked woman declaring the abomination of her life and fortune FAire creature as I haue beene effectually informed of your conditions so would I labour to reforme them but I might with as great hopes vndertake to make a black More white as to change your minde and easier raise an olde Oake from the earth with my decrepit shoulders then roote out that lust which hath so long time beene set in your heart yet if you would consider the inconueniences thereof which are to effeminate the minde weaken the bodie endanger the soule it might proue a motiue to disswade you would account your selfe madd if knowing poison to be blended in a lumpe of suger you should for the sweetnesse of the suger swallowe the poyson what then can you make now of your selfe knowing lust a pleasant poyson hindering your health ingendering diseases bringing age before his time blemishing your beauty ere it be out of the blossome dulling your wit before it be well grounded and drawing your minde from all vertuous cogitations this you know for certainty yet you will liue in sensuality disdaining Diana and be a votarie to Venus contemning Vesta and deuoting your selfe to quotidiall daliance making a mock at marriage you will not enter into the bondes thereof because you will liue loosely without controll or subiection of an husband yet are you seruile to all slauerie subiect to the controlement of euery swaggerer he that hath money may command you he that can dominere will insult ouer you making you crouch and curuet when he pleaseth but if no warning wil make you wise this then will be your fortune You shall be ferrited like a Cony out of euery burrow baited like a Beare whipped like a Iade long shall you not dare to abide in one place Authority will so closely pursue you what you get in a quarter you shall spend in a moneth
to thinke the best iudge the best et modo te sanum fingito sanus eris away the iealous man departed and an other knocked at the gate The Louer entering to know his fortune Mockso describeth him VVHo is that said Fido I know not said Mockso but he looketh very pittifully vpon it and commeth sadly in a finicall fellow he is and very fashionable a stiffe necke he hath which God hateth and a streight dublet which no drunkard could endure for if he had it but one sitting he would not leaue it worth a button sure his taylor hath not done well to make it so short wasted crie him mercie now I looke so low he hath put all the waste in the knées of his breeches currage man if she will not another will Opinion of the Louer AS simple as he standeth there said Opinion hee hath let his owne arme blood himselfe in stead of a Barber-Surgeon and quaffed an health thereof in praise of his Mistresse when he had done hee hath kneeled oftner in the honour of his sweete heart then his Sauiour hee cruciateth himself with thought of her and wearieth al his friends with talking on her he is trapt in so long contemplation of her heauenly by him surmised beautie that some times missing his appointed meales Oscula dat ligno he kisseth the post most daintie face supposing it his loue and imbraceth his pillow or the ayre in his armes circumference her bodie being onely imagined present he maketh her a Dietie with his adoration and extolleth the lustre of her eyes aboue the Sun and Moone he is eliuated into the third heauen when hee dreameth of her and will admit no sublunarie resemblances in his comparisons concerning her though she haue a Negroes head a Virginian nose a Spanish face a Flemish necke and a Turkish stature all the morning he wasteth in finifying his body to please her eye all the afternoone he culleth out choice and â—remeditate speeches to delight her eare all supper while if they table together he peereth and prieth into the platters to picke out dainty morsels to content her maw and almost all the night he watcheth and prayeth for her sighing like a sencelesse beast and sobbing like a filly sot if he be riuald and put besides her to be briefe hee is his friends pittie his enemies derision his soules sorrow his bodies decay and his sweet-hearts derision A forsaken louer Fido his Oration to the Louer reuealing his fondnes and fortune BY this it seemeth you are in loue with whom a woman good what woman beauteous rich or honourable so how doth she requite your loue with scorn hate derision she is a woman the contrary to man as one defineth the greatest pleasure that can betide a man when he is depriued of her witnes Galba who seeing his neighbours wife hang her selfe vpon a figge tree desired a slippe thereof to graft hoping it would beare more such fruite meaning his wife The toylsomest burden that combreth a man as he certified who when the rest of his companie cast ouer-bord such stuffe as was most cumbersome vnto them being so commaunded by the Master of the Shippe tooke his wife in his arms with intent to fling her into the Sea had hee not beene interupted If then a wife be the contrary to an husband what concord can there be betweene them if a pleasure to be lost who would sigh to be depriued of one if a burden and clogge to be kept who would not skipp for ioy to haue his clogge taken from him But she is beauteous rich or honourable what is beautie with vntoward conditions but a faire flower with an ill sauour a painted sepulchre fil'd with putrid bones what are riches with wayward qualities but golden Mazers fraught with deadly poyson And as the Cynick likened a rich man without knowledge to a sheepe with a golden fleece so you may resemble a wealthy woman with wilfull manners to a Iade with golden trappings and what is honour a celestiall thing a radiant starre you will say but those starrs are not all one some are fixae some errantes some cadentes that is some are fixed some wandring some falling starres but she you admired was none of the fixed as her wandring and falling from you sheweth besides she scorneth hateth and derideth you if any of your best friends should serue you so you would renounce them yet you will reuerence her your worst enemie but men of your mould are like Spaniels which will creepe neerest to them that cudgell them so the frowarder their sweete hearts are the forwarder are they to crouch vnto them Quod licet ingratuÌ„ est quod non licet acrius vrit whereas being lesse obsequious they might fare better noui mulierum mores vbi velis noluÌ„t vbi nolis cupiunt vltro Some reason had Censorius Cato to leaue this precept for future times Trust not a woman the dogged Philosopher knew causes enough when he said it was too late for the olde man and too soone for the young to marrie Yet I speake not this in disgrace of vertuous women or to deterre you from marriage but for a man the King commander of al earthly crea ures whose body is pure whose minde more magnanimious to be deiected in spirit pale in physnomy leane in his limmes and all for a woman nay for such a woman as doth scorne hate and deride him fie it is intollerable Were she true and faithfull vnto you in lawfull and honest sort I would kindle and combine you with the best counsell I could but being otherwise take these precepts which if you follow will allay all lust and loue in you The first is to abandon idlenesse the nurse of wantonnes The second shunne solitarinesse and bee eyther doing something or discoursing and passing the time away in company The third to haue a good conceit of your selfe to cheere vp your spirits and doubt not but to haue her betters The fourth is to mince and extenuate any laudable part in her but to display and augment whatsoeuer deformity you know by her for loue is feigned blinde because he cannot iudge aright but maketh a mountaine of a Mole-hill a Saint of a Sow the best course therefore to banish him is to contrarie him in all his asseuerations to prise at a low rate that he highly vallueth as for instance Is the partie fatte fatte meate will cloy any man Is she leane what good stomacke careth for bones if she be pale of complexion she will proue but a puler is she high coloured an ill cognizance is she silent the still Sow will eate vp all the draugh dooth shee talke much a pratling gossip she is likely to proue and who would be troubled with a tatling tongue and such like Fiftly if shee vseth you hardly either in words or deeds or countenanceth any of your enemies or euill willers set it downe in your Table-bookes and write it vpon the wal in your bed-chamber