whome we know we are beloued And as for you if you loue him not yet for to the end that it may be a true loue and that your friendship may last the conditions must be reciprocall and we know there can be no want on our Lord's behalf and that our nature is vitious sensuall and vngratefull and so we cannot perhaps obtaine fully at our owne hands to loue him so much because he is not of the same condition with vs yet considering how much it imports vs to hold friendship with him and how much he loues vs we must passe on and passe ouer this paine of being much in his companie who is of so different a condition from ours O infinite goodnes of my God! how true it is that me thinkes I see both thee and my self in this verie manner O thou who art the verie Regalo of the Angels in Heauen how faine would I euen defeat and dissolue my self totally in louing thee when I see and consider these things And how certaine a thing it is that thou art on the suffering hand in regard of such as will not suffer thee to remaine with them O how good a friend dost thou make thy self to thy friend O my Lord and how dost thou goe enduring him and regaling him And thou expectest till he make himself grow to be of thy condition and inclination and in the meane time thou endurest and permittest him to continue to be a while of his owne and thou takest O my deare Lord by way of good payment those fitts of time which he can be content to bestow vpon thee and vpon a minute of true sorrow and repentance thou forgettest all those sinnes whereby he hath offended thee All this haue I perceaued clearly in order to my self and for my part I cannot see O my Creatour how the whole world can forbeare to procure to draw neer to thy Diuine Maiestie that so it may be able to obtaine this particular kind of friendship with thee Such as are wicked and are not hitherto come to haue the like inclinations and dispositions to thine should yet come towards thee to the end that so thou mightst make them good and that they might endure thee to be with them though it were but for some two howers in the day yea euen though they would not the while stay in thy companie without a thousand distractions and tumblings vp and downe in wordlie cares and thoughts as I was wont to doe And for recompence of this violence which they vse to make against themselues by continuing in so good companie as thine for neither in those verie beginnings no nor euen afterwards also for a while can they tell how to doe better thou forcest O Lord the Diuels of Hell to forbeare a setting fiercely vpon them and permittest them to haue daily lesse power then other against them yea and thou puttest them into mens hands that they may ouercome them So that thou O thou Life of all liues dost neuer kill anie one of those Creatures who puts his confidence in thee nor of them who desire thee for a Freind but thou sustainest both the life of their Bodies with encrease of health and thou also dost impart it to the Soule For my part I cannot possibly vnderstand why men should feare as they doe to beginne to vse Mentall Prayer nor of what it is in fine that they are afrayd The Diuel indeed doth not ill in order to his owne wicked ends to procure to doe me hurt if by pretence and meanes of I know not what feares he can procure to make me forbeare a considering how much and how highly I haue offended Almightie God and how much I am obliged to him for his great mercies and benefits and to thinke vpon this truth that there is such a thing as glorie in Heauen and torments in Hell and vpon those great afflictions and sorrowes which our Lord endured for me in this life For this was still my Prayer when I was continuing in all those dangers and vpon this did I thinke whensoeuer I was able And very often yea and for some yeares togeather I was busier about desiring that the Hower might come quickly to an end still listning when the Clock would strike then vpon better things Yea and it hapned to me manie times that I knew not what Pennance could be set before me so very great as that I would not more willingly vndergoe it then recollect my self to Mentall Prayer And it is certaine that either the Diuel did set vpon me with such an vn-resistable force or els mine owne vvicked custome did it that I might not goe make Mentall Prayer and the sadnes of my hart vvas such euen vvhen I entred into my Oratorie for that purpose that I vvas faine to help and serue my self of all the strength and courage I had vvhich they say is not very little and it hath been seen that God hath giuen me more then is vsually possessed by vvoemen but that I haue employed it ill to force my self to make my Prayer and in fine it pleased our Lord to assist me But afterward vvhen I had vsed these violences to my hart I found my self vvith more quiet delight so that sometimes I grew to haue an expresse desire to pray Now therefore since it chanced that our Lord did suffer and endure so vvicked a Creature as my self and if it appeare plainly that all my miseries vvere redressed by this meanes vvhat person how vvicked soeuer he may be can find anie thing to be afrayd of heer For how wicked soeuer anie other bodie may haue been he vvill neuer be so yet after the enioying of so great Fauours from our B. Lord as I had receaued And vvho can euer come to dis-confide in his Diuine Maiestie vvho had patience vvith me so long vpon this onlie reason Because I desired and procured some meanes for time and place wherein he might be with me And euen this little thing I did often without anie inclination of mine owne but only by the great violence which either I offered to my self or els was offered to me by our Lord. Since therefore the vse of Mentall Prayer is so fitt yea and so very necessarie euen for such as serue not God but offend him and since no bodie can truly find anie such hurt which it can possibly doe as would not be much greater without Prayer at least how can such forbeare it as serue Almightie God and desire to serue him Most certainly vnlesse a man haue a minde to passe through the troubles miseries of this life with an addition of more miserie and to shut vp the verie gate against God himself for feare least he should giue him comfort by this meanes I cannot possibly vnderstand this proceeding of his I haue really great compassion and sorrow for those poore Soules who will needs serue Almightie God vpon their owne cost for as for them who vse Mentall Prayer
of the Minde and not suffer it to passe on and out so farre like some Pott which doth first so boile vp and then so boile-ouer as that the broth or water is quite spent and lost because no discretion was vsed in the quantitie of wood or coales which was put vnder it And thus let them procure to appease and slake the flame which is fed by that vehement fire with sweet and gentle teares but not with such as are forced or painefull as they are wont to be which proceed from such a vehement kind of sense as I haue formerly expressed for such are wont to be of very great inconuenience to the Partie My self vsed to haue such as these in my beginnings and they would euer leaué my head in such disorder and my Spirit in such a wearines and weaknes that I was not able sometimes for a day yea and sometimes for more dayes then one to returne to the exercise of Prayer So that we are to vse great discretion in those beginnings of ours to the end that all may goe on with much sweetnes and that the Spirit may be taught the way of operating and exercising it self inwardly and we must diligently procure that the exteriour may be auoided as much as we can But now these other impetuosities and impulses are of a most different kind and condition for heer it is not we who bring-in the wood but the fire seemes to be made already to our hands and instantly we are readie to cast our selues into it that so we may be wholy consumed The Soule doth not heer procure to make her self feele the wound which growes to be made in her by the absence of our Lord but they driue sometimes a sharp Arrow into the verie liueliest part of the hart in such sort as that the Soule her self is not able to tell distinctly either what she ayles or euen what she desires only she knowes very well that she desires and loues our Lord and that the sayd Arrow seemes to be toucht and rubbed-ouer with some bitter hearbe or other to make her euen hate her self through the loue of this Lord and to wish with all her hart that she might loose her verie life for his sake It is not in our power to expresse and much lesse to relate with aduantage the manner how God approaches and ariues to such a Soule as this or the excessiue paine that he giues which makes her not to know euen what to doe with her self But yet this verie paine is such a sauourie kind of thing withall that there is no delight in this whole world which is able to giue her more gust For the Soule as I was saying would alwaies be very glad if she might be euer dying of this Disease This paine and glorie togeather did carrie my Vnderstanding into such such distraction and disorder that I knew not how they both could possibly consist togeather O what a thing it is to see a Soule so wounded for it is iust in such sort as that one may very well affirme it to be wounded and that for a most excellent cause for now she sees very clearly that she her self did contribute no part of the reason why this Loue should grow but only it seemes that some little Sparke fell downe vpon her from that immense Loue of our Lord which set her so totally on fire O how often doe I remember that Verse of Dauid whensoeuer I find my self in this case Quem admodum desider at ceruus ad fontes aquarum ita desiderat anima mea ad te Deus meus As the Hart desires to plunge himself into the Springs of vvater so doth my Soule desire thee O my God For really me thinkes that this is euen litterally fulfilled then vpon my self Whensoeuer this comes not vpon me with great violence me thinkes I can a little appease my Soule and at least she is prouing to find some remedie For as for the performing of certaine Pennances she findes not almost in that case for what they serue for they all are felt by her no more nor puts it her to anie more paine to shed her bloud then it would if she were directly dead But in that case she is in earnest search after the finding-out some new wayes or meanes how she may be able to suffer much for the loue of our Lord but so great is that other former greif of minde that I know not what Corporall torment can possibly be able to drowne it for the remedie thereof consists not in such things as these since these medecines are of too inferiour a kind for the perfect cure of so deeply-rooted a Disease We receaue indeed some little ease and the affliction passes away to some small proportion by this meanes and by begging also the remedie of her miserie at the hands of our Blessed Lord though yet for her part she knowes not how to find anie at all but only in death for by that meanes she hopes entirely to enioy her Soueraigne Good At other times this paine falls vpon a Soule so feircely that neither this nor anie thing els can be done for it peirces the whole bodie through and through and neither can the hands or feet be stirred nay if we chance to be on foot and may happen sometimes to sit downe we doe it like a kind of transported Creatures Nor can the Soule so much as breath but only vtter certaine profound lamenting sighes which yet are not great in shew because she is not able to expresse them though yet they be very great in themselues It pleased our Blessed Lord that I should haue sometimes this following Vision I saw an Angell very neer me towards my left side and he appeared to me in a Corporeall forme though yet I am not wont to see anie thing of that kind but very rarely For though Angells be represented often to me it is yet without my seeing them but only according to that other kind of Vision whereof I spake before But in this Vision our Lord was pleased that I should see this Angell after this other manner He was not great but rather little yet withall he was of very much beautie His face was so inflamed that he appeared to be of those most Superiour Angells who seem to be all in a fire and he well might be of them whome we call Seraphins but as for me they neuer tell me their names or rankes yet howsoeuer I see thereby that there is so great a difference in Heauen between one Angell and another as I am no way able to expresse I saw that he had a long Dart of gold in his hand and at the end of the iron below me thought there was a little fire and I conceaued that he thrust it some seuerall times through my verie Hart after such a manner as that it passed the verie inwards of my Bowells and when he drew it back me thought it carried
course of naturall things or which surpasse a man 's owne capacitie and his explicit and deciding iudgement at the present time is not only as I was saying a very foolish but euen a childish and ridiculous kind of thing I must heer put you also in minde how particularly it is found in Holie scripture that there are innumerable instances and especially in the Reuelations of the Blessed and Beloued Apostle S. Iohn which are incomparably more repugnant both to reason and euen to Common sense then anie thing which is related heer And as how difficult and strange soeuer those things of holy Scripture be they must yet be as entirely beleiued and that vpon the price of a mans being otherwise an Heretique or a verie Pagan as the Blessed Trinitie it self because in fine the least tittle of Holie Scripture is as fully and entirely to be beleiued as the verie Diuinitie it self of Almightie God since the verie least and lowest point of our Faith depends vpon the self same formall reason and groūd with the highest greatest So also whosoeuer shall not receaue whatsoeuer is deliuered by the Saints and great Seruants of Almightie God concerning such things as passe in their owne Soules through the entercourse and commerce of his Diuine Maiestie cuius deliciae are to be cum filiis hominum vvhose delight consists in visiting and regaling the Soules of his dearest and most deuoted Seruants the same being considered by holie and wise learned Discerners and Tryers and Iudges of Spirit vvhereof there is neuer vvant in God's Church and so the Catholique Christian World growing by degrees to accept thereof in the vvay of giuing a iust admittance a pious Morall credit to vvhat is related that man I say shall be neither pious nor prudēt who reiects it and he shall be an ignorant foole if he deride it Nor is also anie of my Readers to be scandalized a whitt if he chance to heare Saints speake of some materiall and corporeall kindes of things vvhich are represented to them in their Visions as namely Rings or Crownes or Chaines or Mantles or Darts or the like whereof there is some little mention euen in this Booke anie more then he hath cause to be scandalized at the Horses Riders and Trumpets and Seales and Pretious Stones vvherewith the Celestiall Ierusalem vvas paued in the Reuelation of S. Iohn For though I say not that he is necessarily bound in the qualitie of a good Catholique Christian to beleiue the Particulars vvhich are represented in this Booke after anie grosse materiall way vvith the same kind of infallible Supernaturall Faith vvhich he is strictly and precisely obliged to allowe to all things vvhich are contained in Holie Scripture vpon the price as I vvas saying of being otherwise an Heretique or a Pagan yet I presume to say and it seemes to be most true and certaine that vvhen such particular Supernaturall Fauours as aforesayd are vouchsafed by Almightie God to his Saints and are also admitted and embraced by multitudes of the learnedst and vvisest and holiest persons of the vvorld that man vvill be neither holie no nor so much as learned or wise vvho not only shall reiect that vvhich he hath no vvill to approue but deride also that vvhich he hath not vvitt or grace to vnderstand In a vvord the Visions expressed in Holie Scripture must be all beleiued by Diuine Faith in their true sense vvhatsoeuer that falls out to be and not the Visions of Saints vvith that but vvith a farre inferiour kind of Faith till the Holie Catholique Church both haue defined them and propounded them also to be beleiued by her Children Nor yet are yow my Reader whosoeuer you may be to be idly scandalized by any meanes at the Formes vvhereby things are represented sometimes in the Visions and Reuelations of Saints and this vpon another and that a very substantiall reason vvhich followes heer For the important busines in those cases is that our Blessed Lord is pleased to imprint at such and such times vpon the Soules of such and such of his deare Seruants such or such a kind of vertue or Fauour or Strength as himself is pleased to designe for the comfort progresse and perfection of that Seruant of his And so that Seruant consisting both of a Bodie and a Soule his Diuine Maiestie is also gratiously pleased manie times to affect both the Bodie and the Soule togeather vvith a sensible kind of feeling of that grace Those outward demonstrations vvhich speake but as it vvere to the Bodie seruing cheifly but to denote and describe in that sort to the vvhole man the influences and impressions vvhich then are made and powred out into the Soule But now it vvill come fittly in ere long to show you that part of the Epistle Dedicatory or Preface vvhich the Famous Dominican Father Doctour Father Levvis de Leon thought fitt to write both in honour of S. Teresa herselfe of those Primitiue Daughters also of hers who were first Founded at Madrid For thereby you will easily discerne what a Race that Glorious Saint had runne eauen like some Gyantesse in the way of our B. Lord as also how close those Children followed their holy Mother Of which Mother I shall not heer haue roome to reflect though I should but touch goe vnless vvithall I vvould make this Preface as long as the very Life it selfe And therefore you must giue mee leaue to adiourne you for more ample satisfaction of this expectation to those dropps vvhich I may perhaps both be able and vvilling to deriue and draw out of that Sea of her Perfections if I shall finish another small Discourse and Description of the Saint vvhich I intend to make and place as by vvay of Preface both to certaine Exclamations or loude Aspirations whereby that enamoured Soule of hers found meanes to vent it selfe to Almighty God as also to two short Relations which she made for her Ghostly Father in vvriting concerning the Degrees by vvhich she passed on in the exercise of vertue and in the vse also of Prayer that so the said Ghostly Father might be the abler to direct instruct her In the meane time I shall only say in very few vvords by vvay as it vvere of Antepast till the Feast come in That she vvas Of very antient noble Birth Of choyce Breeding Of a gratious louely person Of an humour highly acceptable and agreable to the vvhole vvorld vvhich knew her Of a melting and bleeding Nature Of most Loyall true tender Freindship Of a sweet charming way in conseruation Of great significancy and elegancy of speech in her expression though naturall and round and vvithout affectation in particular her Talent vvas rare in abounding vvith the choycest Comparisons which can be found Her felicity vvas also great in negotiation for she vvas owner of a solid vvitt a steddy sound iudgement and deep vvisdome She had a hart as open as day
continued to remaine in a very inferiour degree in this way nor neuer also anie one cowardlie Soule though yet withall it had the safegarde of Humilitie which was able to make so much way in manie yeares as I haue found those others doe in very few I am euen amazed when I consider how much it workes in this kinde for one to animate himself towards the doing of great things though instantly he may perhaps not haue force where with to performe For the Soule puts herself to make a Flight and ariues to be in a high place though yet like some young Bird she be not so well feathered yet and therefore as being wearie she can but pause and houer In former time I often remembred and considered what S. Paul affirmes of himself Namely That he could doe all things in God vvho comforted him for as for me I knew well that I could doe nothing of my self But that Saying of his did me very much good so also did this other of S. Augustin Giue me O Lord vvhat thou commandest and then command me vvhat thou vvilt And for my part I thought also manie times that S. Peter had lost nothing by the bargaine when he cast himselfe headlōg into the Sea though yet he were afrayd afterward In a word these first strong purposes and resolutions are a great matter though yet in this First Degree and State it is fitt that we goe detaining our selues and hold our selues fast tyed to the discretion and disposing of a Directour but then we must procure that he may be such an one as will not teach vs to leape heauily and dully like certaine Toades nor be content that our Soules dispose themselues to hunt those little weake beasts called Lizards Only Humilitie must euer goe before that so we may besure to vnderstand that this strength doth not grow from our selues But heer it will be necessarie for vs to know what kinde of Humilitie this of ours must be and I am very apt to thinke that the Diuel does much hurt towards the making such as exercise Prayer not to aduance themselues very much in their way by causing them to mis-vnderstand Humilitie and by procuring to make vs belieue that it is but a kinde of pride to haue Heroicall desires and to pretend to imitate Saints and to desire to be Martyrs For vpon this he tells vs and makes vs thinke that the actions of Saints are fitt to be admired but not to be imitated by vs who are Sinners This doe I also say as well as he only we must consider what in particular is fitt for admiration and what for imitation For it would be no way conuenient that a person who were sick and weake should put himself vpon great Fasts and sharp Pennances or should betake himself to the Wildernes where he might neither be able to sleep nor yet could get what to eate or the like But yet we ought to thinke that we may well endeauour earnestly by God's Fauour to hold the world in great contempt and not to esteem earthlie honour and not to remaine tyed-vp to the care of riches But we really haue harts so very poore and straight that it seemes to vs as if we could not haue ground enough to goe vpon if once we should lay the care of our Bodie neuer so little aside to giue it to the Soule It seemes therefore heer already that euen for the better enioying of Recollection it will be good that we be in no want of necessarie things for anie kinde of care will be able to disquiet men in Prayer And I am hartily sorry that we should haue so little confidence in God and so much loue of our selues as that we should be disquieted by this thought But the truth is that wheresoeuer men haue made so small progresse as this in the way of Spirit certaine fooleries will trouble some as much as greater and more substantiall matters will doe others and yet still in our way of vnderstanding we will needs presume our selues to be Spirituall persons It seemes to me that this kinde of way of proceeding shewes a desire in them to put the Bodie and Minde into such a concurrence and correspondence as that we would faine finde meanes to take our ease in this world and yet enioy God in the next and that conceipt will proue to be true if we liue according to Iustice and continue to stick close to Vertue but yet still this is but the pace of a Henn and it will neuer be able to bring vs on to enioy true Libertie of Spirit This seemes indeed to be a good way of proceeding for such as are in state of Marriage who are to carrie themselues according to their Vocation but for anie other state then that I doe by no meanes desire anie such kinde of profiting in Spirit as this nor shall they euer make me beleiue that it is a good one for I haue tryed it long enough and I had euer continued in that way if our Lord through his infinit goodnes had not shewed me another and a shorter cutt though yet withall it be true that I had euer great desires but I procured as I haue sayd to vse Prayer though yet still to liue withall at my pleasure But really I conceaue that if anie bodie would haue encouraged me to flye a higher pitch I should haue striuen hard to make those desires proue deeds But alas it is true that through our Sinnes there are so very few and may so quickly be counted who haue anie more discretion then is necessarie for such occurrences as these that I belieue it is a great part of the cause why such as are beginners can get no faster on towards great perfection for our Lord doth neuer faile on his part but it is we who are still the faultie and miserable Creatures They may also be able to imitate the Saints in procuring to vse Solitude and keep Silence and to exercise manie other vertues which will yet by no meanes murder this miserable Bodie which they desire to preserue with such curiositie care though it should turne to the disorder of the Soule And now the Diuel is carefull enough to helpe to render vs the more vnable for when he sees but a little inordinate feare he desires no more then to make vs apprehend that euerie thing will be apt to kill vs or at least to depriue vs of our health yea and if we be accustomed to haue teares he will put vs into a feare that we shall be blinde My self haue passed by this Walke therefore I know it and I know withall that I cannot tell what better kinde of life or health we can possibly desire then to loose them both vpon such an occasion My self being so sicklie as I was till I resolued to make no account at all of my health and of my bodie was euer tyed vp and was good for nothing and euen now it is
a sweet repose or sleep of all the Powers which are yet neither totally lost nor yet doe they know how they worke This gust and delight and suauitie is greater beyond all comparison then the former for the Water of this grace gets-vp to the verie throat of the Soule in such sort that now it cannot goe forward nor knowes how to doe it nor yet would by anie meanes returne backward but enioyes an excessiue kinde of glorie It is as when a man is already with the Holie Candle in his hand so that now there wants very little of dying but it is of that verie death which is desired for she is enioying the greatest delight that can be imagined in that agonie of hers and me thinkes it is no other thing then euen to dye as it were entirely to all the things of this world and to be enioying Almightie God For my part I can thinke of no other tearmes wherewith to expresse it or declare it nor knowes the Soule at that time what to doe nor whether she should speake or be silent or laugh or weep It is a glorious kinde of Frensie and a Celestiall kinde of Follie where yet true wisdome is learnt and it is a most delightfull manner of enioying for the Soule in a Superlatiue Degree It is true that it may be about some fiue or six yeares since first our Lord vouchsafed to allow me this kinde of Prayer often and in great abundance and that I neither did either perfectly vnderstand it nor yet can exactly declare it and for my part I made account when I was come hither that I could say either little or nothing And yet I well vnderstood that this was not an entire Vnion of all the Powers of the Soule and yet still that it was clearly more then might be found in the former Degree of Prayer and yet withall I must euer confesse that I could not tell how to know and much lesse exactly determine what this differēce was But I well belieue that for the humilitie which your Reuerence hath shewed in being desirous to help your self by so great a simplicitie as mine our Lord gaue me this Prayer this day immediatly after my receauing the B. Sacrament yet without my being able to goe forward And he put these Comparisons into my head and taught me the manner how to expresse them and what the Soule is to doe in these cases and really I was amazed at it for I vnderstood all this busines at an instant Manie times I was as it were out of my self and as if I had been euen inebriated with this loue and yet I could neuer vnderstand how it was Only I knew very well that it was God but I could not tell the manner how he wrought in me at that time For it is the verie truth that the Powers are as it were all vnited though yet not so ingulfed but that still they worke and I haue been extreamly ioyed that at length I am come to vnderstand it and Blessed be our Lord for euer who hath regaled me in so high a degree These Powers haue only now abilitie to busie themselues totally vpon Almightie God nor doth it seem that anie of them now euen dares so much as houer or stirre not as it were breath if we doe not diuert our selues then with great endeauour yea and euen so me thinkes we can scarce doe it entirely at that time A multitude of words are conceaued heer by the Soule in praise of our Lord but yet so as that they are without anie order vnlesse our Lord himself be pleased to order them for at least the Vnderstanding serues heer for nothing The Soule would faine cry out in praise of Almightie God she is then in such condition as that she knowes not how to cōtaine her self This is now a very fauourie kinde of disquiet and now yea euen very now the Flowers open themselues to blossome and already doe they beginne to yeild their odour And heer the Soule would be glad that all the world might be able to see and vnderstand her glorie that so Almightie God might be praised and that they might be able to assist her therein and that she might giue them part of her ioy as not knowing how to enioy it all her self Me thinkes she is now to be like her of the Ghospel who had a minde to call-in all her Neighbours Or els like the admirable Spirit of the Royall Prophet Dauid who might feele some such thing in himself as this when he played vpon his Harpe and sung in honour and praise of Almightie God I find my self very much deuoted to this Glorious King and I wish that all the world were so especially all we who are Sinners O my deare Lord what kind of thing is a Soule when she findes her self in such a condition as this She would faine become all Toung to praise our Lord. She vtters a thousand holie impertinencies but yet she doth euer endeauour to hitt right in pleasing him who holds her there in that manner I know of a certaine person who though she were no Poet yet instantly did she happen to make certaine Verses all extempore which were very significant in the way of complaint declared her paine very well though they were not made by her owne Vnderstanding alone but for the better enioying that glorie which gaue her so delightfull a paine she complained thereof to her God She wishes that she might be all torne in pieces both in Bodie and Soule to shew the ioy she findes to feele this paine What tormēts could then be set before her which then she would not be glad to endure for the loue of our Lord She clearly sees that the Martyrs did very little on their parts when they suffered torments for the Soule knowes then very well that her strength comes to her by some other way then from her self But now what will she feele when she comes back to employ her witts vpon knowing how to liue againe in this world and to returne both to the cares and complements thereof And certainly me thinkes I am farre from hauing exaggerated anie thing concerning this manner of ioy which our Lord is pleased to make a Soule possesse euen in this place of bannishment for all that which I haue sayd of it is very poore and meane in comparison of what it is in it self Blessed be thou for euer O Lord and let all things praise thee for euer And be pleased O my King I most humbly beseech and begg at thy hands that since when euen now I am not wholy out of this holie Celestiall Frensie or follie which through thy goodnes and mercie and so wholy without anie merit of mine thou dost me the great Fauour to impart either all such persons as with whome I shall haue occasion to conuerse may be euen as it were madd fooles for thy loue or els dispose thou so of me as that
eat of it For iust so doth the Soule not satisfye her self nor is content to feed vpon the meate of this world because she findes that in her self which giues her satisfaction it being the farre greater cōtentment which she hath in Almightie God and her desire also is to satisfye euen those desires of hers and this is that which she procures There is also another kinde of Vnion which euen yet is not so much as an absolute and entire Vnion though it be greater then that of which I was speaking before and not altogeather so great as that of this Third Water And your Reuerence will be very glad supposing that our Lord bestow them all vpon you if you haue them not already to finde it written thus and directly to vnderstand what it is For it is one kinde of Fauour for our Lord to impart the same very Fauour and another to vnderstand what grace and Fauour that is yea and yet another to be able to vnfold and declare how it passes And howsoeuer it may seem that there may no more then the First of these Three be needfull for the keeping of the Soule from being in a kinde of confusion and feare and for enabling it to goe forward with more courage in the way of our Lord euen treading with the verie feet thereof vpon all the things of this world yet is it a Fauour of so great aduantage to vnderstand it that it is reason that both he who hath it and euen he also who hath it not should praise our Lord much for it because his Diuine Maiestie hath been pleased to giue it to some one who is yet aliue to the end that he might also doe vs good Now it happens also manie times to me that I haue this manner of Vnion whereof I am speaking for it pleases Almightie God to doe me this Fauour very very often and that God recollects and takes hold of my Will yea and also in my opinion of my Vnderstanding for then it discourses no longer but is employed vpon enioying Almightie God as one who stands looking and looking and sees so very much that he knowes not indeed which way to looke for one thing instantly appeares which takes away the sight of the other and so nothing makes anie impression at all The Memorie remaines free and so also doth the Imagination seem to doe and this Imagination when it findes it self thus all alone that is without being controuled by the Vnderstanding it would make a bodie wonder extreamly to see what a coyle it keeps and what a warre it makes and procures to put all out of order For my part I am sure it tires me and I am also sure that I abhorre it and I haue often besought our Lord that if it must needs distract me still after this manner he will be pleased to take it from me in these occasions And sometimes I presume to say thus to him When O my God is this whole Soule of mine to be entirely vnited in thy praise and not deuided thus into peices without being so much as able to serue her self of her self But heer doe I in the meane time discerne the mischief which hath been brought vpon vs by Sinne since it makes vs be so subiect to the not doing of what we so much desire which is to be euer busied about Almightie God I say this happens to me diuerse times and one of those times was this verie day and so I may the better remember it For in fine I see my Soule euen dissolue and defeat her self through the desire which she hath to be wholy there where she finds her self for the most part to be already and yet that this is impossible because both the Memorie and Imagination doe still make such warre vpon her that they suffer her not to worke like her self And though they be not able to doe her anie hurt in regard that the other Powers and Faculties are wanting yet indeed they may well be thought to doe hurt enough by the disquiet they giue But yet still I say that they doe her properly no hurt because indeed they haue no strength nor doe they fix themselues in anie one Being or State And in regard that the Vnderstanding doth not help the Imagination in that which it represents either more or lesse it cannot fasten vpon anie thing but skipps vp downe from one to another And it is like those importunate and vnquiet little Gnatts which buzze and whizze by night heer and there for iust so are these Powers wont to goe from one to another This Comparison seemes to me to be extreamly proper for though these inferiour Faculties haue not strength and meanes to doe harme yet are they troublesome enough to such as feele them Not doe I know what remedie there is against this inconuenience for hitherto Almightie God hath not enabled me to find anie out if he had I would haue been very glad to vse it for it torments me as I sayd very often But in this is our miserie made apparant to vs and so also doth the power of Almightie God shine very clearly in it since this Facultie of the Soule which is loose can put vs to so much trouble and so tire vs whilst yet those other which are employed and doe attend so neer to his Diuine Maiestie make vs feele so much ease ioy The last Remedie vpon which I haue falne after my hauing wearied my self manie yeares is that whereof I spoke in Quiet Prayer That we should make no more account therof then we would of some starke-madd-Foole but to let it still alone in telling that impertinent idle Tale wherein God only can impose silence And since in fine it remaines to vs heer in the nature of a Slaue we must be content to endure it as Iacob did Lya for our Lord doth vs Fauour enough to permitt that we may enioy Rachel I say that it remaines as a Slaue by reason that it cannot draw the other Powers or Faculties to it how vehemently soeuer it may striue but rather they draw it often to them without anie difficultie at all Yea and sometimes our Lord is pleased to haue pittie to see euen the Imagination it self so very much disquieted and lost through desire to be in companie with the other Faculties and Powers of the Minde and then his Diuine Maiestie is content that it also may be burnt vp in the fire of that Diuine Taper where those others are already euen consumed to dust and where hauing as it were euen lost their Naturall Being they are enioying so great Blessings in a Supernaturall kind In all these wayes of this last Fountaine-Water whereof I haue spoken the peacefull rest and glorie of the Soule is so great that euen the Bodie doth very manifestly participate of that ioy and delight I say it doth so very manifestly yea and the vertues also of the Minde encrease and grow stronger as I haue sayd
to this miserable and wretched Creature as it is likelie that there are manie if they shall be pleased to treat of these things with me as conceauing that I am mistaken and out of the way our Lord will so assist this poore Seruant of his as that she may be able to goe forward to vphold this truth But now to speake of this last Water which comes from Heauen to satisfye and euen fulfill the whole Garden by the abundance therof if our Lord did neuer forbeare to giue it whensoeuer there were need it is euident enough already of what case it would be to the Gardner and that there would neuer be anie Winter but alwaies most temperate weather nor would there euer be anie want either of Fruits or Flowers and so it may be easily seen in what delight he would remaine But as long as we liue in this world this condition is a kind of impossible thing and we must alwaies be in care that whensoeuer we shall want one of the Waters we may procure another This last which falls from Heauen comes downe sometimes euen when the Gardner thinkes of it least True it is that these things are almost euer wont to happen after a long exercise of Mentall Prayer For our Lord vses to come by degrees to catch this poore little Bird and to lodge it then safely in the Nest to the end that it may rest and repose And after it had put it self long vpon Flights procuring by the exercise of the Vnderstanding and Will and in fine by all the Powers it had to goe in search of Almightie God and to please him he vouchsafes to allow it a reward euen in this life yea and this so very great a reward that anie one little moment therof may well suffice as a full satisfaction and retribution for all that care and trouble which he could euer haue endured in this world The Soule being thus in search of Almightie God doth find her self as it were euen sinke vnder a sweet and most excessiue delight as being all in a certaine way of deare faynting so that the breath is euen beginning to faile and so also doth all corporall strength in such sort as that the Creature is now not able so much as to moue her hands but with much paine The eyes are also closed though without anie purpose to shut them and when by accident they chance to be open she in effect sees nothing distinctly nor if she reade can she so much as iudge rightly of anie letter nor can she euen guesse how to name it right She sees that indeed there are letters but the Vnderstanding not giuing her anie assistance she knowes not how to reade though she would She heares but yet vnderstands not what she heares so that she receaues no other benefit at all by her Senses but only that they will not permit her to take the full fruition of her delight and so vpon the matter they doe her more hurt then good As for speaking it is a vanitie so much as to thinke of anie such thing for she cannot possibly hitt right so much as in framing anie one word nor if she were able to iudge it were she yet possibly able to pronounce it in regard that all the strength of her Bodie is absolutly lost for the greater encrease of that of her Soule that so she may the better enioy her glorie The exteriour delight also which she feeles is both great and very certaine This Prayer puts the person to no manner of inconuenience in anie kinde how long soeuer it may last at least it neuer put me to anie nor am I able to remember when our Lord did me this Fauour how sick or weake soeuer I were that I euer found my self the worse but rather with much improuement euen in the way of health But indeed what hurt can euer be done to anie Creature by so great a blessing as this It is so knowne a truth concerning the exteriour operations that there can no doubt be made but that there were natually great occasions for their alteration since our Lord tooke all their strength from them though yet it were with so great delight that the same grew afterward to be greater It is true that in the beginning this state and feeling is wont to passe away in very short time at least it hapned so to me But as for these exteriour signes as also in this failing of operation in the Senses it is not so easily to be giuen to be vnderstood when things passe away in short time but yet they are discerned with ease by the excesse of the Fauours For the clearnes and heat of the Sunne must needs haue been then very great when all that which came in the way was so absolutly melted and dissolued Let this also be well noted that in my opinion how long soeuer that space of time might seem to be wherein all the Powers of the Soule were in suspense it must needs haue been indeed very short and if it should ariue to half an hower it were very much For my part I thinke I was neuer so long True it is that one can hardly iudge how long they are since the Parties are depriued of outward sense but I say that it must needs be a very short time wherein no one of the Powers can be able to returne againe to it self But now the Will is indeed the onlie Power which maintaines the Worke for as for the other two they quickly become importunate vpon her Yet the Will remaining quiet and fixed suspends them yet againe and so they stay another little while and afterward returne to liue as before In this manner some whole howers of Prayer may be passed yea and sometimes they are passed so For when the two Powers of the Soule haue tasted of that Celestiall wine and beginne to be inebriated with it they easily are induced to loose themselues once againe so to get still the more by the bargaine and so they goe to accompanie the Will and all three come to be in the act of enioying But this point of being totally lost and so without framing anie Imagination at all which Power in my way of vnderstanding is also wholy lost I say lasts but a very little time though yet they come not alwaies so wholy to themselues vpon a suddaine but that they may remaine euen some howers as in a kind of being still a little out of the way and in disorder Almightie God vouchsafing to recollect them againe to himself by little and little And now let vs come to the interiour of that which the Soule is wont to feele at these times and let them declare it who know how since it cannot be well vnderstood and much lesse expressed I was thinking when I disposed my self to write this as soone as I had receaued the B. Sacrament and after the end of this verie kinde of Prayer which now I write of what the
stiffe that I cannot possibly sometimes bring them togeather and so the paine remaines till the next day after in my wrests and in my Bodie in such a manner that it seems as if I were euen racked and disioynted And I am sometimes conceauing that our Lord may one day perhaps thinke fitt in case this course goe on to make it end with the verie ending of my life For so great a torment as this may well in my opinion be sufficient for so great an effect as that saue only that I deserue not to be so happie All the anxietie of my desire consists at this time that I may dye For I neither remember Purgatorie nor yet those great Sinnes which I haue committed for which I deserued Hell-Fire But all is now forgotten through that anxietie of desire and appetite to see Almightie God yea and that vast Solitude and Desert wherein I am at that time seemes a much more desireable thing then all the sweetest societie of this world If anie thing were of power to giue her cōfort in this case it would be that she might be able to treat with some one who had endured the same tormēt for now though she cōplaine therof it seems that no Creature can tell how to beleiue her It also contributes to her torment that this paine is so extreame that she would faine neither be in Solitude nor yet haue companie as others haue but only to haue the societie of some such persons as to whome she might be able to make her complaint It is with her in in this case as with one who euen hath the halter about his neck and who whilst he is euen strangling endeauours and would faine take his breath For iust so me thinkes doth this inclination to haue companie seem to be an effect of our naturall frailtie and weaknes that as this excessiue paine seems to put vs to iminent danger of death for it is certaine that it doth all this and I haue seen my self diuers times in this danger through my great sicknesses and other occasions as I haue declared and I will beleiue that this may perhaps proue to be as great as anie of the rest so the desire and inclination which both the Bodie and Soule haue not to be parted is that which seekes such a kind of succour as to take breath and by expressing it self and diuerting and complaining seeks yet for some meanes how to liue againe heer below though still much against the will of the Spirit or superiour part of the Soule which would faine not be quitt of this Paine I know not whether I hitt right in what I say or if I know indeed how to doe it but to the vttermost and best of my opinion it passes iust thus as I haue declared And now your Reuerence shall doe well to consider what kind of rest or ease it is possible for me to enioy in this life since that which I was wont to find by meanes of Solitude and Prayer for therein our Lord was pleased to giue me great consolations is now most vsually conuerted into this torment which yet withall is so delicious a kind of thing and the Soule perceaues it to be of so high value that now she delights in it more then in all those other Regalo's which she was euer wont to possesse For she holds it to be more secure as being the way of the Crosse and it giues also in my opinion a gust which is of mighty worth For she allowes nothing at all to the Bodie but paine and the Soule is that which originally suffers and doth only feele that ioy and high contentment which this verie suffering giues her I know not how all this can be but yet it passes so in verie truth that forasmuch as I can vnderstand of my self I would not change this Fauour which our Lord doth me and which proceeds as I haue sayd from his hand and is no way acquired by me as being wholy Supernaturall in it self for all those others which I I shall heer declare afterward I say not for all them togeather but for any one of them being taken seuerally by it selfe And heer let it not be forgotten how I say that these impetuosities or impulses which are described heer ariued after the Fauours which our Lord did me first as also after all that whereof I will write in this Booke yea euen after my entrance into the Fauour which I am enioying at this present And I finding my self in the beginnings to be in some feare as in effect it happens to me alwaies whensoeuer it pleases our Lord to doe me anie Fauour till at least in the proceeding therof I may haue receaued some kind of securitie from his Diuine Maiestie he willed me not to feare but to esteem this Fauour for greater then all those others were which he had formerly been pleased to vouchsafe me because the Soule was purifyed by this paine and for that it was burnished refined heer as gold might be in the Chrysuble that so it might be the more capable to receaue those enamels and ornaments of his guifts and graces and that so that was to be wiped away which would otherwise haue made worke for Purgatorie I vnderstood very well euen before that this was a great Fauour but yet I remained with much more securitie after this and my Ghostlie Father also tells me that it is good And though I were formerly afrayd yet because I am so wicked I could neuer bring my self to beleiue that it was ill but rather the verie greatnes it self of the benefit gaue me a kind of feare when I remembred how very farre I had been from deseruing it But Blessed be our Lord who is so good Amen It seemes that I haue gone from the purpose for I was beginning to speake of Rapts and this which now I haue sayd is a greater thing then a Rapt and so it leaues those effects in the Soule which I haue related And therefore let vs now returne to speake of Rapts and of that which is most vsuall therin I say then that it seemed to me manie times that it left my whole Bodie so light that all the weight thereof was vtterly gone yea and sometimes to such a kind of proportion as in effect I knew not how to set so much as my feet vpon the ground though yet when the Soule is in Rapt the Bodie remaines apart as if it were vtterly dead being able manie times to doe absolutly nothing at all of it self but as it chances to be at the time so it remaines whether it be sitting or no or whether it haue the hands either open or closed For though she loose her senses some few times and the same hath also hapned to me now and then yet haue they seldome been totally lost and that but for a very short time at once The most vsuall effect is wont to be that she finds her self a little in
will of our Blessed Lord and for his glorie Now really and with effect all these things are wont to passe in this manner if the Rapts be true and the Soule is vested with those aduantages and benefits which are related and if these doe not follow I should be apt to doubt very much that they were not Rapts on the part of God but should rather be inclined to feare that they were of that kind of Rauings whereof S. Vincent speakes At least this is what I vnderstand and I haue seen by experience it self that the Soule is wont in these cases to become a Ladie and Queen ouer all Creatures and to acquire so much Libertie of Spirit in lesse then an hower that she cannot euen know her self but yet she well vnderstands that all this is none of her owne nor doth she know how she could come to obtaine so great a blessing but yet still she vnderstands withall the extreame great benefit and aduantage which euerie one of these Rapts bring vpon her There is no Creature who can credit all this but such an one as hath learnt it by experience and therefore men beleiue not the poore Soule which they haue seen to be wicked and now find so very soone to pretend to doe certaine things of so high importance for instantly she resolues not to be content to serue our Lord in small matters but in the very greatest she can Now the world is apt to conceaue that such endeauours are but impertinencies and temptations and yet if men would but vnderstand and consider that they are not things which grow from themselues but from our Blessed Lord to whome they had already deliuered-vp the keyes of their Will they would not so much wonder at it For my part I am of opinion that a Soule which comes once to this state doth already neither doe nor euen say anie thing of her self but that this Soueraigne King hath care of all that which is to occurr O my deare God! and how clearly doth a Soule see heer the sense and signification of that Verse and how it is to be vnderstood that both he had reason and that all the world should also haue it to desire the vvings of a Doue For it is easily and clearly to be vnderstood of that Flight which the Spirit makes whereby to raise it self aboue all Creatures and in the first place from and aboue her self But this is a sweet Flight a gustfull and pleasant Flight and a Flight without noise What kinde of dominion doth such a Soule possesse which our Lord doth once conduct to this pitch that she may be able to looke downe vpon all things without being once intangled by anie of them and how full of confusion will she be for that time wherein she was intangled before And how much will she be amazed to looke-back vpon that blindnes of hers How full will she be of compassion for such as doe yet remaine therin especially if they be persons of Prayer and such as it pleases God to regale She will heer be glad to cry out very lowd that so she may make men vnderstand how mightily they are abused and deceiued yea and so she also doth sometimes And then men are apt to rayne downe euen whole showers of persecutions vpon her head and they treat her as one who wants Humilitie and who employes her self to teach those persons of whome she might doe well to learne and especially if she be a woeman for then come they in to condemne her yea and perhaps they may haue reason because they know not by what impulse she is moued But yet as she knowes not how to helpe her self on the one side so also can she not forbeare on the other to vnbeguile those persons whome she loues whome she desires to see vnfettered from the Prison of this life for that state wherein she was neither seemes lesse nor is lesse then a Prison She is also much afflicted and tired out with the thought of that time wherein she tooke anie care of points of Honour and for the grosse false errour wherein she was to haue beleiued that to be Honour which the world calls Honour for she sees that it was an abominable lye and yet that euer ie bodie liues in practise of that false Doctrine But now this Soule vnderstands and knowes That right Honour is not false but true esteeming that to be worth somewhat which indeed is so and holding that which indeed is nothing in no account at all since all is nothing and lesse then nothing which once comes to haue an end and in the meane time doth not please Almightie God She despises also and laughes at her self for the time wherein she made anie account of Monie and of the couetous desires thereof though yet in this particular I doe not beleiue and certainly it is very true that I euer had anie fault to confesse but it will haue been fault enough to haue held them in anie manner of account If with them I had been able to buy these blessings which now I find in my self I might haue esteemed them very much But now the Soule perceaues that this blessing is gotten best by leauing all things But what in fine is that which can be bought with this Monie which we so much desire Is it anie thing of true worth Is it anie thing which is durable Or to what end doe we desire it A miserable kind of supply and repose doe we procure by that which costs vs so deare for we often goe with it to Hell and we buy no other thing by meanes therof then endlesse torment in euerlasting fire O that all men would at length resolue to hold it but for earth which is good for nothing How orderly would the world then proceed How free would all places be from vniust contracts how sincerely would all men performe acts of freindship if once there raigned no interest either of Honour or monie in the mindes of men For my part I conceiue that the world would be reduced to good order This Soule sees also then that there is a great blindnes in the conceipt which men frame about the delights of this world and how we buy nothing by their meanes euen for this very life which we leade heer but affliction and disquiet How great disquiet and how little contentment and in fine what a deale of labouring in vaine And heer is the Soule able to discerne not only grosse Cobwebs and great faults but euen anie poore graine of dust how little soeuer it may be and so how much soeuer she may haue laboured to perfect her self if once the Sunne shine bright and if the same Sunne strike it through with those beames in good earnest she will find it to be dustie enough It is like a Glasse full of water which you will hold to be very cleare and pure vnlesse the Sunne shine vpon it but if you see it once falne vpon
by those beames you will find it to be all full of moates This Comparison is very literally true for before the Soule is in this Extasis she conceiues her self to haue been very carefull not to offend Almightie God that she performed it according to the vttermost of her power but yet being come once so farre as that this Sunne of Iustice shines vpon her which makes her open her eyes she then sees so many moates therin that she would be glad if she could tell how to shut them againe for she is not yet become so true an Eaglet of this swift and strong Eagle which bred her as that she can be able to looke earnestly vpon this Sunne But how little soeuer she chance to hold them open she sees her self all impure and calls that Verse to minde which saith VVho shall euer be iust in thy presence When once she beholds this Diuine Sunne her sight is dazled by the brightnes of it but when she lookes in vpon her self her eyes are stopped vp with clay and so this poore Doue is blind yea and it happens manie times that she also remaines blind for good and all as being absorpt amazed and as it were out of her witts with so manie mightie greatnesses as she is then growne to see Heer finally is true Humilitie acquired not careing anie way at all either to speake well of her self or yet that others should doe it And our Lord deuides and disposes of the Fruit of this Garden not she and so there sticks nothing of it to her fingars All the good which she hath goes on as still addressed to Almightie God and if she be drawne to say anie thing of her self it is also directed to his glorie for she knowes that she hath no interest therin and cannot be ignorant therof euen though she would as discerning it by the verie sight of her eyes which are shut towards the things of this world but which are still kept open for the vnderstanding of Truths almost whether she will or no. THE ONE AND TWENTIETH CHAPTER She prosecutes and finishes this last Degree of Prayer She declares vvhat the Soule finds therein vvhen she returnes to liue againe in the vvorld and the Light also vvhich our Lord giues concerning the deceipts and errours of the same vvorld This Chapter deliuers excellent Doctrine I Will therefore now finish that which I was saying That namely there is heer no more now anie need that the Soule should giue anie new consent since already she hath giuen it all and knowes that she hath voluntarily deliuered her self wholy vp into his hands and that she cannot deceiue him who is the knower of all things for it is not as things passe heer in this world where all this life of ours is full of nothing but duplicities and deceipts and when you thinke you haue fully gotten the good will of anie Creature by the shew he makes you quickly come to vnderstand that all is tricks and lyes and that no bodie can tell how to liue in a world of so much odd busines especially if there be anie little interest of the Parties But blessed is that Soule which our Lord comes once to draw to the knowledge of such things as are reall Truths O what a condition and fortune were this for Kings and how much would it import them more to gaine this great aduantage then to get large Dominions and States What rectitude would there be foūd in the Kingdome How manie mischiefs would haue been forborne already would also be forborne heerafter For heer there is no feare of loosing life or honour for the loue of Almightie God but rather such losses as these would goe for a great blessing amōgst such as find thēfelues carrie another māner of respect to the honour of our Lord then to all them to whome they are lesse obliged For Kings are the men whome those others follow and in this case these Kings would loose a thousand Kingdomes and they would haue great reason to be glad to doe so rather thē to loose the meanes of making one stepp further towards the augmentation of the Holie Catholick Faith or the procuting some light for Hereticks for it is another manner of busines to purchase and get such a kind of Kingdome as will neuer end And what Soule soeuer shall come to tast but one single dropp of this water all the rest of this whole world will be but fitt euen to turne the stomack But now if the Soule of such a person should fall out to be once ingulfed into this water what strange effects would it produce Deare Lord if thou shouldst draw me to such a condition as that I might be able to publish this truth with a lowd voice they would yet beleiue mee no more then they doe others who know how to publish the same after a much better manner But yet at least I should giue satisfaction to my self and me thinkes I should esteem euen my verie life but at a little rate vpon condition that I might be able to giue but some one of these single Truths to be well vnderstood And yet I know not what I should be able to doe with my self afterward for there is no trust at all to be had in me I being that miserable creature which I am Yet still I haue so great impulses to vtter and declare these things to such as be in authoritie and command that me thinkes they doe euen annihilate and consume me And yet now since I can doe no more I returne O my Lord towards thee to seeke remedie for all inconueniences for thou O my Lord knowest well how highly glad I would be to dispossesse my self euen of all these verie Fauours which of thy goodnes thou hast vouchsafed to doe me prouided alwayes that I might still remaine in condition neuer to offend thee more and to resigne them vp to Kings and Princes for then it is very certaine that it would be wholy impossible for them either to permit that those things should be done which are permitted or yet that they should faile to receiue extraordinarie blessings at thy hand O make them my God vnderstand to how much they are obliged since thou wert pleased by what I haue heard to honour them in such sort vpon earth as that when thou takest anie of them away there is some kind of signification therof euen in the Heauens And when I thinke of this it breeds a kind of deuotion in me that thou O my King maist be pleased to make them euen heerby vnderstand that they ought to imitate thee in their life since there grow in some sort to be certaine apparances and signes in Heauen at their death as there was when euen thy self camest to dye I see well that I am presuming very farre but I beseech your Reuerence teare it if you mislike it and beleiue that I would be glad to speake it better if I were present
hath anie experience will find that euerie word of this which I haue sayd is litterally certaine and I blesse Almightie God for enabling me to declare it as I haue done And now I end this part of the Discourse with saying that me thinkes when such Words proceed from our owne Vnderstanding we may easily come to know it if we haue a minde to it and euerie time that we are in Prayer we shall conceiue that we vnderstand them But in this other kind of Words or Speeches it is not so for it will be manie dayes wherein though I should desire to vnderstand somewhat of that kind it would be absolutly impossible and when at other times I haue no thought that way I must yet vnderstand it as I haue sayd And me thinkes that whosoeuer had a minde to deceiue others affirming himself to vnderstand that from Almightie God which is from himself might as well and it would cost him as little affirme that he heard it with his eares And it is a most certaine and reall truth that for my part I neuer thought that there was anie other way then that for the hearing and vnderstanding anie thing till I found in mine owne case that this which I haue now deliuered is true and it hath cost me as I sayd much trouble When these things proceed of the Diuel they doe not only not worke anie good effects but leaue also very ill ones behind them But this hath not hapned to me aboue twice or thrice and I haue instantly been aduertised by our Lord that they were of the Diuel And besides the great drynes which they leaue behind them they also giue the Soule much disquiet after the manner of those manie other times when our Lord hath permitted me to haue great temptations and troubles of Soule in different kindes and that I should often be tormented as I will declare heerafter But this is a certaine kind of disquiet of which we know not how to vnderstand from whence it comes but it seemes that the Soule resists it and is put into great disorder by it and is afflicted without knowing for what in regard that the Diuel saith that such or such a thing is not ill but good I conceiue that if one Spirit may be able to find and feele another the gust and delight which this Diabolicall Spirit giues is different in my opinion from the other after a most euident manner The Diuel may well deceiue some such person by giuing him gusts as neuer receiued anie before from Almightie God for these latter are gusts indeed which import a sweet strong well-imprinted quiet delightfull kind of pleasure and ioy for as for those little prettie deuotions of the Soule and certaine other slight feelings which be like little young flowers that are shaken off and lost vpon the least little wind of persecution I doe not call them Deuotions though yet they are good beginnings and holie motions but no way sufficient to determine whether the effects proceed from a good Spirit or a bad and therefore it will be very necessarie to walke in this kind of things with huge caution for such persons as shall not haue proceeded further in Prayer then thus farre may easily grow to be deceiued if they fall out to haue Visions or Reuelations For my part I neuer had of these last till God through his owne onlie goodnes gaue me Prayer of Vnion vnlesse it were that first time whereof I spoke and it hapned to me manie yeares agoe when I saw Christ our Lord and I would to God it had pleased his Diuine Maiestie that I had vnderstood at that time that it was a true Vision as I vnderstood it to be afterward for it would not haue been of small aduantage to me But now vpon these illusions of the Diuel there neuer growes any sweetnes or softnes and supplenes to the Soule but she remaines as if she were frighted and with much disgust And I hold it for very certaine that Almightie God will neuer permit the Diuel to deceiue anie Soule which puts no confidence at all in her self and which is fortifyed in the right Faith and resolues thus much for her part that she would dye a thousand deaths for the least Article thereof and who togeather with this Loue and Faith being infused into the Soule by Almightie God which is a Liuelie and strong Faith indeed procures alwayes to goe in conformitie with that which is taught by the Holie Catholique Church informing her selfe further by seuerall wayes as a person who is strongly seated in this truth That all the imaginable Reuelations of the whole world no not if she should see the verie Heauens open themselues could make her varie in the least point from the Doctrines and Decrees of the sayd Church But if she once come so farre as but to shake or wauer euen in one single thought against this or entertaine her self so farre as to say But novv if God himself say thus to me as he hath sayd such other things to Saints this may also be true I say not that she beleiue it but that the Diuel beginne to tempt her by this motion and that she be content to continue her self a little therein a bodie may see already that this is starke naught But for my part I beleiue that manie times euen these other first motions will hardly euer come so farre as euen but to set vpon such a Soule if she be already so strong as our Blessed Lord is wont to haue made such as to whome he vses to impart these Fauours For me thinkes she might be able to teare those Diuels euen to fitters whensoeuer there might be question of anie one single little Truth which the Church holds I say that if the Soule doe not find such a strength as this in her self and that the deuotion or Vision which she had doe not assist and help her-on therein let her not hold anie such Vision for safe because though the hurt of it be not instantly vnderstood it may perhaps grow by little and little to be great For to the vttermost of what I can discerne and know by experience the reputation and credit that such a thing is of the Spirit of God is setled and assured in such sort as that it also goes in conformitie to Holie Scripture And when it should be found to varie from this Rule though it were neuer so little I thinke I should be then much more sure without comparison that it were of the Diuel then now I haue assurance that it is of Almightie God how great soeuer I might find that assurance to be For in that case we should haue no need at all to goe in search after signes nor to enquire of what Spirit it were since this is so cleare a signe to make vs beleiue that it is of the Diuel that if all the world should endeauour to assure me that it were of God I would not beleiue it
away as much as it had touched within me and left all that which remained wholy inflamed with a great loue of Almightie God The paine of it was so excessiue that it forced me to vtter those groanes and the suauitie which that extremitie of paine gaue was also so very excessiue that there was no desiring at all to be ridd of it nor can the Soule then receaue anie contentment at all in lesse then God Almightie himself This is no Corporall but a Spirituall paine though yet the Bodie doe not faile to participate some part thereof yea and that not a little And it is such a deare delightfull kind of entercourse which passes heer between the Soule and Almightie God as I beseech him of his infinit goodnes that he will giue some touch or tast of it to whosoeuer shall beleiue that I lye During the time when I was in this state I went vp and downe that world like an odd kind of transported Foole neither cared I either to see anie thing or to speake but contented my self to consume with burning-vp in my paine which was to be the greatest glorie for me that this whole world could affoard In this state was I now and then when our Blessed Lord was pleased that these so verie great Rapts should come vpon me which I was not able sometimes to resist euen when I was in presence of Secular people and so they grew to be publique and this gaue me a very great deale of trouble But since the time that I am growne to haue these Rapts I feele not this paine so much as that other whereof I spoke before though yet I cannot call the Chapter to minde But that paine is different in manie kindes and of more value also then this Or rather when this beginnes whereof I am speaking in this place it seemes that our Lord doth rauish and runne away as it were with the Soule and put her into Extasis out of hand and so no too me is left for the letting her feele anie paine because instantly the time of enioying comes in Let him be Blessed for euer who vouchsafes to impart so high Fauours to a person who corresponds with him so ill for so great benefits THE THIRTIETH CHAPTER She returnes to recount the course of her Life and hovv our Lord gaue remedie to manie of her troubles by bringing that holie man Fray Pedro de Alcantara of the Order of the Glorious S. Francis to the place vvhere she vvas And she declares the great temptations and invvard troubles vvhich sometimes she endured BVt now when I came to obserue the little or nothing which I was able to effect towards the enduring of those so great impulses or impetuosities whereof I was speaking I grew to be in great feare of hauing them for it was past anie power of mine to vnderstand how Paine and Ioy might be possibly able to consist togeather That Corporall paine and Spirituall ioy could be compatible I know well might be possible enough but that so excessiue a Spirituall paine should be compatible with so excessiue a Spirituall gust did put me half as it were out of my witts And still I did not giue-ouer to procure to resist the ariuall thereof though yet I had so little power that way that sometimes I grew wearie euen of the endeauour I defended my self by the Crosse and so procured to help my self by that meanes from him who gaue vs all defence and succour by the same Crosse I saw that no Creature vnderstood me and this I vnderstood very clearly though yet I durst not say so to anie bodie but my Ghostlie Father for that indeed might haue authorised them to say truly that I wanted humilitie But our Blessed Lord was pleased to recouer me from a great part of my trouble yea and euen at that time from it all by bringing that blessed man Fray Pedro de Alcantara thither of whome I made mention before when I spake somewhat of his great Pennance And now I also remember that amongst other things I haue been informed that for twentie yeares togeather he had worne vpon his bare Bodie a certaine Garment of Lattin in forme of a Haire Cloath This man was the Authour of certaine little Treatises concerning Prayer written in Spanish and they are now in the hands of manie For he as being a person who had accustomed himself much to that holie exercise wrote very profitably thereof for them who liue in the Obseruance of the First Rule of the Blessed S. Francis according to the full rigour of the same When therefore a certaine Widdow of whome I spoke els where who was a great Seruant of Almightie God and a particular freind of mine came to know that so great a man was there with me and knew also the great necessities wherein I was as hauing been the witnes of my afflictions and had comforted me in seuerall occasions for her Faith was euer so great that she could neuer in fine beleiue but that it was the Spirit of Almightie God which all the rest would needs haue to be the Diuel and considering also that she was a person of very good vnderstanding and of great secrecie withall and one to whome our Lord vouchsafed to doe great Fauours in Prayer his Diuine Maiestie was pleased to giue her knowledge of those things whereof they who were Learned were wholy ignorant My Ghostlie Fathers then gaue me leaue that I might ease my self in some things with her for she was capable manie wayes to vnderstand them for sometimes it had come to her turne to enioy euen some of those verie Fauours which our Lord had also vouchsafed to affoard me togeather with certaine aduertisments which he had also giuen her for the good of her Soule But now as soone as Fray Pedro came to know of my designe he did without saying anie thing to me desire and get leaue of my Prouinciall that I might remaine with her in her House for a matter of some eight dayes and so both there and in seuerall Churches I spoke with him diuerse times in that first occasion of my being there for I communicated my affaires with him also afterward in sundry occasions at which time I gaue him likewise account of my life though yet but in a Summarie way and of the manner of my proceeding in Prayer and this with the greatest claritie which I could possibly vse for this propertie I euer had to treat with all claritie and truth with them to whome I imparted my Soule yea and I still desired that euen the first motions of my hart might be made knowne to them and as for such things as might be subiect anie way to suspition or doubt I still was wont to argue them against my self with the strongest reasons that I could bring So that I imparted my Soule to this Father without anie manner of duplicitie or disguise at all and I found that he vnderstood me almost euen at
be neuer so much alone though yet I feele still that I know there is a God and I find also that it is my Imagination and my Vnderstanding which doe me so much hurt in these occasions and cafes for as for my Will me thinkes it stands right in me and that it is disposed to all goodnes But this Vnderstanding of mine is so entirely lost that it seemes to be no other thing then some furious and madd kind of Foole whome no bodie is able to bind nor am I so farre Mistresse thereof as that I can make it quiet for one Credo Sometimes I fall on laughing and yet then doe I know my miserie and stand looking vpon my Soule and permit her to doe what she will and yet our Lord be thanked she neuer by anie meanes applyes her self to anie thing which is ill but only about things which are indifferent if there be anie thing which may occurr to be done either heer or there or anie where els But thus I come to know better the incomparable mercie which our Lord is pleased to shew me vpon his tying-vp this madd foole when we are in perfect contemplation And heer I consider what would become of me if such persons as hold me now for good could discerne me to haue these idlenesses and impertinencies which I haue described heer But now I haue very great compassion of a Soule to find her in so ill companie as this I would faine see her rather in libertie and I expresse my self in this manner to our Blessed Lord When O my God shall I ariue to see my Soule all conioyned and vnited togeather in celebrating thy praise that so all the Powers thereof may admire thee Permit not heerafrer O Lord that she wander vp and downe by peices for now it seemes no otherwise then as if euerie one of the same Powers were running vp and downe in a seuerall way These things passe thus very often and I vnderstand also very well that sometimes the little corporall health I haue contributes much to these inconueniences I also reflect much by these occasions vpon the hurt which the Sinne of our First Parent hath done vs for me thinkes it is growne from thence that we are incapable to enioy so great a good and mine owne sinnes are a great part of the cause for certainly if I had not committed so manie I should haue remained more entire and free towards the doing of good I was subiect also by times to another very great inconuenience for conceauing that I vnderstood all the Bookes that treat of Prayer which I came to read and that already our Blessed Lord had done me some such kind of fauour as that I needed them not for this reason I did not read them but applyed my self to read the Liues of Saints And finding my self also very short in that wherein they had so heroically serued Almightie God this seemed to doe me good and giue me strength but yet me thought this was a signe of little humilitie for me to thinke that I was already ariued to hold that degree of Prayer And not being able to quiet my self otherwise I continued much in paine till certaine learned men and particularly that blessed Creature Fray pedro de Alcantara declared to me that I was not to be troubled at that I am not ignorant that in the seruing of Almightie God I haue not yet so much as begunne though yet the way which his Diuine Maiestie hath held in doing me Fauours is the same which he hath vsed towards such as are good whereas for my part I am no more then a direct downe-right meer imperfection vnlesse it be in my desires to loue him for in this indeed I see well that our Lord hath done me Fauour that so I may performe some little thing for him I confesse me thinkes I loue him but my actions and the manie imperfections which I discerne therein giue me great discomfort At other times my Soule falls into a kind of Foolerie for so it is when me thinkes I doe neither good nor ill but follow on after the walke of others folkes and this neither with paine nor glorie nor with thought of life or death nor gust nor trouble yea me thinkes she feeles nothing at all but rather seemes to me to walke on like some little Asse who seeds and sustaines himself because they giue him somewhat to eate and he eates almost without thinking what he is doing For the Soule when she is in this state is not likely to be without feeding vpon some great Fauours of Almightie God since she is not troubled with liuing in so miserable a life as this but passes through it with patience and equalitie of minde but yet these motions and effects are not found by her in such sort as that the Soule is made to vnderstand her self by them It seemes now also to me to be as when men saile at Sea by the breath of a sweet and gentle Winde for then we ridd much way though we scarce know how Whereas in those other conditions the effects are so very great that the Soule doth almost instantly discerne her owne improuement for instantly doe her desires boile vp and the Soule can neuer satisfye her self but they to whome Almightie God imparts such impetuosities of Loue doe find such operations as these This is like certaine little Springs which I haue obserued to rise and where the Sand neuer ceases to moue vpwards And this example and comparison of Soules which be ariued to this state seemes very naturall to me For Loue will be euer boyling vpward and considering and deuising about what it may be able to doe and can by no meanes be contained in it self as it seemes the water whereof I spake is not able to continue in the earth which still is casting it vp from thence And iust so is it very vsuall for the Soule not to be at quiet or in contentment with her self through the loue she beares to Almightie God but she is so bathed and soaked and filled with it that she wishes that others would drinke too since for her part she cannot want that so they might assist her to sing the praises of Almightie God O how often doe I call to minde that liuing Water whereof our Lord spake to the Samaritan as indeed I am very much deuoted to that Ghospell And really it is most true that I was so euen from my childhood though I did not then vnderstand this benefit as now I doe but I often besought our Lord to bestow of this Water vpon me and alwaies I had the Image or Figure of it at hand with this Motto or Word of hers when he was so neer the Well Domine da mihi hanc aquam O Lord bestovv this vvater vpon me It seemes also to me that as a Fire which is very great needs matter vpon which to worke to the end that it may not be extinguished So also for
those Soules whereof I speake it is necessary that they be bringing wood how deare soeuer it may cost them to the end that this fire may not goe out For my part I am so miserable a Creature that I would be content if I had but strawes to cast in And so it happens to me sometimes yea and very often that one while I would be laughing and at other times much afflicted For a certaine interiour motion and impulse which I haue is euer inciting me to serue God in somewhat and since I am not fitt for greater matters to doe it by gathering Flowers and making Posies and applying them in decent manner to holie Images and Pictures to sweep or dresse-vp some Oratorie or in doing such other little and poore things as gaue me confusion to see that they were no greater And so also if I chanced to doe anie Pennance it was all so very little and so poorely done that vnlesse our Lord should vouchsafe to accept the Desire for the Deed I saw plainely that I was good for nothing and in a word I did euen laugh at my self But now it giues no small trouble to such Soules as it pleases Almightie God through his goodnes to endue with the fire of his Loue in great abundance if they be in want of corporall health and strength whereby they may be able to doe somewhat for him since this giues a very great paine For in regard that we want strength to carrie still more and more wood to this fire and such Soules doe euen dye for the feare they haue least the Fire should goe out it seemes to me that she doth euen consume and burne her self vp into ashes or els euen dissolue her self into teares and so breath her selfe away into nothing and this is a strong kind of torment though it leaue not to be sauourie withall Let such a Soule as this giue great thankes to Almightie God if she haue ariued to this state and if our Lord haue giuen her person corporall strength to doe pennance or if he haue imparted Learning and talents and power to Preach and heare Confessions and winne Soules to Almightie God For she knowes not nor vnderstands not the great benefit which is possessed by her vnlesse she be growne so farre as to feele the affliction which it brings to be euer receauing much at the hands of our Lord and neuer to be able withall to be doing his Diuine Maiestie anie Seruice Let him be euer Blessed for all and let the Angells giue him glorie Amen I know not whether I doe well to be writing of so manie little things but since your Reuerence hath commanded me yet againe not to esteem it anie trouble to enlarge my self and that I must be sure to omit nothing I therefore goe discoursing with clearnes and with truth of as much as I can call to mind And it is impossible but that I should omitt manie things for els it would grow to cost me much more time whereof I haue very little as I haue sayd and then when all were done it would perhaps be of no benefit at all THE ONE AND THIRTIETH CHAPTER She treats of certaine exteriour temptations and representations of the Diuel and of the torments vvhich he gave her She speakes also of other things vvhich are very fitt for the aduise and instruction of such persons as are vvalking on in the vvay of Perfection AS I haue spoken of sorne interiour and secret temptations and disturbances which the Diuel brought vpon me So now will I speake of some others which in effect were publique and wherein I could not be ignorant but that it was he I was once in a certaine Oratorie and he appeared to me on my left side in an abominable kind of figure and in particular I obserued his mouth because he was speaking to me and it was of a most vglie forme It seemed to me that a huge flame came out of his bodie and it was all a very bright one without anie obscuritie at all He told me after a most hideous manner that howsoeuer I had freed my self once out of his hands he would yet find meanes enow to fetch me back againe I was in a mightie feare but I blessed my self as well as I could and so he vanished a way but yet he instantly returned and this hapned to me two seuerall times Nor did I know in the world what to doe only I had Holie-water neer at hand and so I sprinkled it towards the part where he was and he neuer returned to me anie more Another time he was some fiue howers togeather tormenting me with very terrible paine and both exteriour and interiour disquiet in such sort that it was euen past enduring The woemen who were then at hand were astonished to see what passed but neither could they tell what to doe nor I how to serue my self of their helpe My custome is whensoeuer anie corporall sicknes or paine is very intollerable to make certaine Acts within my self the best I can beserching our Blessed Lord that his Diuine Maiestie will giue me patience and that if it shall redound to his Seruice I may continue to suffer so euen till the very end of the world And therefore now when I found my self put to suffer with so much rigour I applyed my self to get help by making some such acts as those and diuerse good purposes also that so I might beare the burthen the better And our Lord was pleased then that I should clearly vnderstand it to be the Diuel for I saw a certaine little abominable Negro or Black-More hard by me gnashing his teeth euen like a despairing wretch but yet in fine he lost by what he hoped to gaine for as soone as I saw him I fell a laughing and had no feare of him at all but there were some persons by who knew not what to doe in this case nor how to procure anie remedie for such paine as they saw me endure the blowes being so great which he made me giue my self both vpon my Armes and my Head and my whole Bodie and I not hauing anie power at all to resist him yea and which was worse then this I was subiect to so great an inward kind of restlesnes and disquiet as I could by no meanes appease no nor yet durst I so much as call for Holie-water for feare of giuing them apprehension who were there and so to make them know what the matter was For my part I haue found by much experience that there is not anie thing from which the Diuels doe so certainly fly and so as to returne no more as from Holie-Water They fly also from the Crosse but in that case they will presently sometimes returne againe So that certainly the vertue of Holie-water is great and for my part my Soule finds a particular and euident kind of comfort when I take it and really and vsually I feele such an ease and pleasure
in it as I am not well able to expresse for it is an interiour delight which comforts my whole Soule and this is no meer imagination or fancie nor a thing which hath hapned to me only once but very often and when I obserue it with most attention me thinkes it is as if a bodie who were much troubled with heat and thirst should drinke a draught of very cold water which should refresh him euen to his harts desire And heervpon I also consider that all those things which be ordained by the Church are of great importance and moment and it is matter euen of much Regalo to me that those words which the Church vses and sayes should haue the power to make Holie-water become of so very different a condition from such other as is not hallowed by the Church But in the meane time when my torment would not cease I told them so who were present that so they might not laugh at me and calling for Holie-water they brought me some and sprinkled me with it but it did me no good Vpon that I sprinkled some towards the place where the ill Spirit was and then he went instantly away and I grew as instantly well as if they had stroaked my hurt off from me with their hands saue that I found my self as wearie as if I had been cudgelled extreamly But now it did me a very great deale of good to find that when our Lord giues the Diuel leaue he is able to doe such a deale of mischief to a Creature both in Bodie and Soule euen when they are not his or absolutly in his power for then what would he be able to doe when they should be wholy left to his disposing This gaue me also a very great desire to free my self from so ill Companie as that of the Diuel is At another time and that was lately the self-same thing hapned to me though yet it lasted not long but I was then alone and then I also called for Holie-Water and two Religious Woemen who were very well worth the beleiuing and would by no meanes be induced to tell an vntruth came-in thither after the Diuel was departed from thence and declared that they felt a filthie stinke as of brimstone For my part I smelt it not but they say it continued so long that others might also perceiue it Another time I was in the Quire and I came into a very great depth of Recollection and I went away from thence for feare least somewhat might be obserued But the Religious in the Quire who were neer the place where I was heard a noyse of very great blowes which were giuen and for my part I also heard those Spirits talke togeather close to me as if they had been agreeing about some busines of theirs though I knew not what in particular it was for I found my selfe in such depth of Prayer that I vnderstood them not in expresse manner neither yet had I anie feare of them at all But these things did ordinarily not ariue but when some Soule or other did receiue benefit vpon my perswasion and aduise And it is certaine that a thing hapned to me once which I shall now relate and there are manie witnesses of it in particular my Ghostlie Father to whome I Confesse my self now for he saw it in a certaine Letter without my telling him who it was that wrote it though yet he chanced to know it otherwise But the thing was this There came once a certaine person to me who had been in Mortall Sinne about some two yeares and a balf and he had committed one which was of the most abominable that euer I had heard of in my whole life and during all that time he neither Confessed nor reformed himself and yet he sayd Masse all the while And though he then Confessed his other Sinnes yet concerning that one he was wont to aske himself how it could be possible that euer he should Confesse so fowle a thing and yet he had a desire to free himself from it but knew not in fine how to effect it For my part I had great compassion of the man and much greif to see Almightie God so offended and I promised him to beseech our Lord to giue him remedie and that I would also entreat diuerse others who were much more likelie to preuaile then my self to become suiters to his Diuine Maiestie for him and accordingly I wrote to a certaine person about it this man letting me know that he could conuey my letter And it is certaine that heervpon he instantly Confessed his Sinnes and Almightie God was pleased at the instance of those many other holie persons to whome the busines had been recommended to extend his mercie to this Soule and my self also as miserable as I am did not faile to sollicit it the best I could But the man wrote a Letter to me declaring that he was reformed so farre already as that some good time had incurred wherein he had returned no more to that Sinne but yet that the torment was so great by the temptation which sollicited him that way that he accounted himself to be almost as it were in a kind of Hell so extreamly was he put to suffer by it and therefore that I must help him still with Almightie God Vpon this I recommended him againe to my Sisters the Religious of our Monasterie by meanes of whose prayers it seemes our Lord was pleased to doe me this Fauour for they tooke the matter very much to hart This man was a person of whome no one could guesse who it was and I humbly besought the Diuine Maiestie to appease those torments and temptations to which he was subiect and that those Diuels might be suffered to torment me in his place prouided alwayes that I might not offend our Blessed Lord in anie thing by it And it is very certainly true that shortly after this I endured most greiuous torments for the space of a moneth And these two particulars which I haue now related did happen then But our Lord in the meane time was pleased that they should leaue to afflict that person anie more for so men sent me word because I had already signifyed to them what had occurred to me during that moneth And as for him his Soule got strength daily and he grew to be absolutly free nor could he satisfye himself with giuing thankes not only to our Blessed Lord but euen also to me as if I had done somewhat therein But the truth is that the opinion which he had that our Lord did sometimes shew me Fauours was of benefit to him for he sayd that whensoeuer he found himself to be much assaulted and pressed he vsed to read my Letters and that presently therevpon he should find himself ridd of the temptation He grew to be much amazed to vnderstand of what I had suffered and how also himself came to be free yea and euen I came also to wonder at it
saith he this cannot grow but from one of these two occasions Namely that either it is because they will murmure against you Orels for that they will praise and magnifye me Meaning that they who should beleiue it would praise him and they who should not beleiue it would condemne me though yet without anie fault at all of mine But he sayd that both those things would proue to be of aduantage to me and that therefore I must no longer be troubled at it This quieted me very much then and it also comforts me now whensoeuer I call it to minde This temptation came on so farre that it gaue me an inclination to quitt this place and to carrie my fortunes with me to another Monasterie which was very much more enclosed and shut vp then that wherein I was for the present And I liked it also the rather for that I had heard it extreamly praised manie wayes and besides it was a House of mine owne Order yea and also very farre off from my former aboade And it was a thing which would haue comforted me much to remaine where I were vtterly vnknowne but my Ghostlie Father would neuer permit it These feares did much depriue me of Libertie of Spirit but I came to vnderstand afterward that it was no good Humilitie since it gaue me such a deale of disquiet And our Lord vpon that occasion taught me this truth that if indeed I were resolued and assured that nothing at all of mine were good but that it were all of God it would follow that iust so as I would not be sorrie to heare other persons praised but rather would be greatly comforted and ioyed that our Lord did shew himself in them So neither would I be sorrie that his workes might be also seen in me I fell also vpon another extreame and it was to beg of Almighty God yea and I made particular Prayer to this purpose that when by accidēt anie person should enter into good opinion of me his Diuine Maiestie would be pleased to declare my Sinnes to him to the end that the man might see how absolutly without anie merit of mine it pleased our B. Lord to doe me Fauours And this doe I euer much desire though my Ghostlie Father haue commanded me not to aske it But hitherto till very lately if I chanced to see anie person who thought extraordinarily well of me I tooke the best meanes I could find by some deuise or other to tell him my sinnes and thus I conceaued my self to find ease But yet heerby they haue put me into a kind of scruple that this proceeded not in me from humilitie and that it rather grew from a temptation in regard that manie came to me and I seemed to haue cosened them all But though it be very true that they are indeed deceaued if they thought that there was anie goodnes in me yet had I no desire at all to deceaue them nor did I euer pretend anie such thing but that our Blessed Lord might haue perhaps permitted it And so for the self-same reason I would neuer haue imparted anie priuate accident of mine which was no Sinne euen to my verie Ghostlie Fathers themselues vnlesse I had found it to be wholy necessarie for I should otherwise haue had much scruple to doe it But now I see very well that all these little feares and troubles superfluities of ill-grounded Humilities doe sauour very sufficiently of imperfection and proceed from the immortification of the Soule For to a Soule which is well resigned into the hands of Almightie God it doth not import her a iott more that they should speake well of her then ill if once she vnderstand well and home forasmuch as God will giue her that grace that she hath nothing at all of her self but let her confide in him who imparts it and she shall know in time why he discouers it And in the meane while let her prepare her self for persecution for it will most certainly ariue in such an Age as this vpon anie such person as to whome our Lord will haue it knowne that he doth her such Fauours as these For vpon anie such Soule as this a thousand watchfull eyes will be cast whereas there will not be one vpon a whole thousand of such other Soules as be of a contrarie making And there is really much cause to feare this and it ought to haue been my feare that the other was not Humilitie but Pusillanimitie For a Soule which Almightie God permits to be exposed thus to the sight of the world may expect to be a Martyr of the same world for if she will not dye to it she shall dye by it For my part I really see nothing in this thing called World which seemes good to me except only that it giues not way that worthie and good people should be permitted to doe ill without being murmured at for their labour and by this meanes they grow to perfect themselues But there is need of more fortitude and courage for a man who is yet imperfect to walke-on towards a way of perfection then euen to be instantly made a Martyr For Perfection is not so quickly gotten vnlesse it be by some such person as to whome our Blessed Lord may vouchsafe that Fauour by way of a particular priuiledge But the world discerning once that a man beginnes to aspire to doe well will needs account him perfect at an instant and then will it presently see anie fault in him if he haue anie though it be a thousand leagues off Yea and perhaps that which they hold to be a fault in him shall indeed be a vertue and the other who condemnes him and is wont peraduenture to doe the self-same thing by an impulse of vice will iudge ill of it in another So that according to his dictamen that other man should neither eate nor sleepe nor euen as it were draw his breath And the more also they esteem such persons the more apt are they to forget that how perfect soeuer their Soules be and how absolutly soeuer they tread the whole world vnder their feet yet still they are in the Bodie and liue vpon Earth and are subiect to the miseries of their condition And therefore still I say that there is need of a great deale of courage because such men haue a minde that the poore Soule which hath not yet begunne to walke should already fly She hath not yet ouercome and mortifyed her passions and yet these men will needs expect that she should remaine as entire and firme as they haue read of Saints themselues after they were confirmed in grace The particulars which occurr in this kind are to giue a man cause to wonder and withall euen to afflict vs to the hart to see so manie Soules turne back againe which know not poore Creatures as they are what shift to make for themselues and so doe I beleiue that mine had also done if our
honour which is allowed to others I considered the goodnes of Almightie God in not permitting the Soule euen of that man to be defamed but that it might be concealed that he was an Enemie of his For my part I was euen turned halfe foole by what I had seen yet during all the performance of the Office of the Dead there was no more Diuel to be seen but when afterward they put the Bodie into the Graue there was such a multitude of them readie to receaue the Bodie that I was euen out of my self with beholding it and it was no little courage which I needed for enabling me to dissemble the seeing it And I considered how those Diuels were likelie to treat that Soule when they exercised such an absolute dominion euen ouer that woefull Bodie And I would to Christ that what I saw had also been seen by such as are in Mortall Sinne for me thinkes it must haue been of much effect and force towards a making them mend their liues Now all this obliged mee to know more and more what I owed to Almightie God and from what he had deliuered my Soule But yet I went on with feare enough till I had imparted these particulars to my Ghostlie Father as conceauing that perhaps it might haue been some Illusion of the Diuel whereby to defame that Soule though yet the man had not been held to be of very good life But yet it is verie true that whether it were an Illusion or no I am sure I neuer remember it but it makes me afrayd And now since I haue begunne to speake of Visions which haue relation to some such persons as are dead I will also declare some things concerning some other kind of Soules which our Lord hath been pleased that I should see But I will speake only of few both to be the shorter and because it will not be necessarie to say much in order to the receauing of benefit thereby They told me once that a certaine man was dead who had been Prouinciall of his Order but when he dyed he was Prouinciall of another Prouince Now I had communicated much with this man and had been obliged to him for some good offices which he had done me This man was of much many vertues but yet when I came to know that he was dead I was greatly troubled at it because I was in feare and doubt of his Saluation in regard that he had been a Prelate or Superiour twentie yeares which really is a thing that I am apt to feare as holding it to be a matter of much danger to haue charge of Soules And so I went with trouble enough to an Oratorie and gaue him all that little good which I had euer done in my whole life which yet was little enough and I humbly besought out Blessed Lord that he would supply out of his infinit merits for as much as that Soule might wat towards the freeing it self out of Purgatorie And whilst I was begging this Boone of our Blessed Lord in the best manner I could me thought he rose as from some deep part out of the earth on my right side and so I saw him mount-vp to Heauen with very great ioy The man was very old before he dyed but yet now he seemed to me to be but of thirtie yeares old or rather somewhat lesse but with much brightnes in his face This Vision passed away very speedily but yet I was so extreamly comforted by it that the death of that man did put mee now to no more paine though I had troubled manie others about him for he was very well beloued And thus also the comfort of my Soule being so great I could not possibly doubt but that the Vision was true and no illusion This hapned but fifteen dayes after his death but still I was not slack in procuring that he might be recommended to Almightie God saue that I could not doe it so hartily as before I saw this Vision For when our Lord shewes me such things and that yet I will pray for them afterward I cannot choose but conceaue that it is as if I gaue an Almes to a rich man But now I came to vnderstand afterward for the man dyed very farre off that the death which our Lord granted him was of so great comfort to him by the knowledge of himself and by the humilitie which he expressed that it was of very great edification Now a certaine Religious Woeman dyed at home with vs about a day and a halfe before that occurred whereof I am going to speake but she had been a good Seruant of Almightie God And another Religious Woeman reading one of those Lessons which belong to the Office of the Dead which was recited in the Quire for her Soule it was my turne to stand by and assist in repeating the Versiâ—â—e but in the midst of the Lesson me thought I saw the Soule rise vp as the other did and so went to Heauen Now this was no Imaginarie Vision like the last but like others which I recounted before Yet these be no lesse certaine then those others are There was also another Religious Woeman of between eighteen and twentie yeares old who dyed at home in our House Now she had been alwaies sicklie and a great Seruant of God and very diligent in the Quire and in fine a very vertuous woeman and really I was apt to thinke that she should not haue gone to Purgatorie at all but rather that there would haue been supernumerarie merits in regard of the manie sicknesses which she had endured But yet when we were reciting the Office before she was buryed and some foure howers after she dyed I vnderstood that her Soule sprung vp out of the same place and went to Heauen Being one day in a Colledge of the Societie of IESVS with those great afflictions and troubles which I haue declared my selfe sometimes to haue had and still haue both in Bodie and Soule I found my self to be in such condition that me thought I was not able so much as to entertaine one good thought There dyed that night a Brother of the Societie of that House and I recommending him the best I could to Almightie God and being at the Masse of another Father of the Societie for his Soule I was seazed by a very great Recollection and I saw him goe-vp to Heauen with much glorie yea and I vnderstood that our Blessed Lord himself did accompanie him by way of particular fauour A Religious man of our Order who was a very good man was falne very dangerously sick And I being then at Masse grew to be in very great Recollection and saw that the man was dead and that he went instantly to Heauen without touching vpon Purgatorie at all and he dyed in that verie hower as I was told afterward Now I wondred that he had neuer entred into Purgatorie but I vnderstood that he hauing been a Religious man and hauing well obserued the
high and abstracted Nature of the verie Contents of the Booke Partly through the great length of the Periods Partly through the multitude sometimes of Parenthesis euen in the same sentēce Partly through her forbearing to vse those Particles in the beginning of the said Sentences as namelie For But Yet Therefore and the like vvithout vvhich it is not alwayes so easie to discerne whether the Discourse be either continued or interrupted or ended and partlie cheiflie by the ill printing and vvorse pointing of all the Spanish Coppyes vvhich I could euer come to see All vvhich I am faine to alleadge by vvay of an humble excuse for vvhatsoeuer errour I may haue inuoluntarilie committed in this case But howsoeuer I heer present it to the glorie of Almightie God to the praise of this Excellent Saint and to the consolation of these Children of hers vvho are no lesse then a kind of counterpoise to the miserie of the times vvherein vvee liue But now as soone as I had translated the Worke a certaine vvise vvorthie man my freind tooke knowledge of it and desired mee by a verie earnest letter of his to vsher this Booke into the vvorld vvith a Preface of mine owne vvhich might open the Readers eye the more easilie to behold the Saint vvhen she followed and so also to giue some notice of her Children who are following her And though I alleadged my reasons why this might be lesse necessarilie done yet still he vrged me to it and so I made his Will mine owne and accordinglie shall speake a few of my thoughts I say some few of my thoughts For whosoeuer hath studied the person of the Glorious S. Teresa vvell vvill find so much to say as if he haue a minde to say all he may doe vvel not to beginne since it vvill neuer be in his power to make an end such a full sea is this excellent Saint of all perfection vvhich hath neither Bottome nor Brimme I vvill therefore say verie little of her heer and that shall cheiflie tend to let you see how highlie this Life vvich vvas vvritten by the Saint her selfe is authorised and hovv punctuallie it deserues to be beleiued forasmuch as may any vvay concerne the truth of the Historicall part thereof as also the excellencie of the Order vvhich she both Reformed and Erected But for the present you may first be pleased to consider that vvee find the Liues of Saints to be vvritten by three seuerall kindes of persons For some are deliuered by men who are onlie eminēt in the Historicall vvay and they deserue to be esteemed and beleiued for the merit of that worth which shall appeare vvhatsoeuer it fall-out to be The second sort is vvhen the Writers are not onlie vvorthie Men but are withall so great Seruants of Almightie God as to be acknowledged by the Christian vvorld for Saints as S. Athanasius vvho vvrote the Life of S. Anthonie S. Epiphanius of seuerall Prophets S. Hierome of S. Paul and S. Hilarion both of them Heremits S. Gregorie the Great of S. Bennet S. Bonauenture of the Humble and Admired S. Francis and the like who deserue a farre higher credit then the former in regard that the vvriters were Saints The Third is when Saints themselues vvrite their owne Liues as the Incomparable S. Augustin did a great part of his in the Diuine Booke of his Confessions vpon the excesse admiration wherein he vvas at the vnspeakable Mercie of Almightie God for remouing all the miseries of his Soule And the Relations of such Liues as these are incomparably of the most credit of all For first no bodie knowes so vvell vvhat passes concerning a man as himself And Saints are verie farre from saying anie thing vvhich is not exactlie true and especiallie if the Saints be such as that they be also endued vvith verie great naturall parts of Witt and Memorie and Iudgement forasmuch as concernes the Braine or Vnderstanding as they vvill be sure to be vvith Truth and Sinceritie Candour forasmuch as may concerne the Hart or Will For as these Morall parts vvill keep them from deceauing others so the Intellectuall vvill secure them from being deceaued themselues and vvill make them define and diuide and suspect and doubt and aske before they fullie resolue to beleiue much more before they vvill publish things to the vvorld And now as the Incomparable S. Augustin vvas called by the consideration of his owne great Sinnes and God's greater Mercies to declare his Life in the neuer enough admired Booke of his Confessions so also did the Glorious S. Teresa the self same thing in effect in this Booke but by direction of her Ghostlie Father Not yet that he did so much as incline her to publish her owne imperfections and sinnes nay rather he did the direct contrarie but onlie to declare her Forme of Prayer togeather vvith the Fauours vvhich our Lord imparted to her therein But novv she vpon that occasion vvould needs make her owne Processe in view of the World shew as incident to the rest hovv ill she had complyed vvith Almightie God from time to time And by this meanes doth she in effect vveaue that great peice of rich Cloth-of-gold and Tislue vvhich concernes almost the Historie of her vvhole Life and novv the same is hungout abroad to the vievv of the vvorld But yet amongst all the excellencies thereof there is one thing vvhich displeases manie vvorthie vvise holie men or at least vvhich pleases them lesse then the rest And it is that vvhensoeuer there is anie question at all of her self in order either to Vertue or Vice she vvould neuer trust her ovvne eyes though they vvere so cleare and good as the vvorld knovves but shee resolued to vvorke vvith Perspectiue-Glasses of different yea euen contrarie kindes For vvhen she described her Vertues she serued her self of a Diminishing-glasse which made them seem so little as to be no more then a kind of Nothing But on the other side when she gaue account of her Imperfections she vvould by no meanes know them by anie other name then of Vices and Sinnes because she tooke a Multiplying-Glasse to her self for feare least els those Mole-hills should not seem Mountaines Novv in the strength of this vvel-meaning and holie kind of errour which she incurred if anie errour may vvell deserue so indulgent a name she gaue her self too great scope if the Reader vvould needs take her at her vvord to violate her ovvne excellent fame by certaine too venturous dashes of her penn vvhich vvas driuen too too hastily on by the impulse of a kind of inordinate Humilitie In such sort as that if a bodie vvere disposed to trust his eyes alone vvithout his reason he might be easilie dravvne to passe a verie erroneous Iudgement vpon her Soule For she vvill tell you in tvventie places of this Booke What a grieuous Sinner she vvas What a multitude of great sinnes she had in her conceipt committed
my Parents but by the way of Vertue My Father was a man of much charitie towards poore people and of compassion towards the sick yea and he had so much pittie euen of his seruants that he could neuer resolue to keepe anie slaues for the tendernes which he had towards them And there being once a slaue in his house who belonged to a Brother of his he caused him to be treated and fed as if he had been one of his owne Children and sayd through his great compassion that he could not endure to see such as he was vnless they might be made free He was a man of much truth nor did euer anie creature heare him either detract or sweare He was exeedingly honest and chast My Mother also was enriched with manie Vertues and she passed through this life of hers with grieuous sicknesses Her chastitie and puritie was great in the verie highest degree and though she had an abundance of Beautie yet was it neuer so much as heard that she gaue occasion for the world to conceaue that she made anie account of it at all For comming afterwards to dye when she was but three and thirtie yeares old the order of her attire had yet been such as might haue well become a person of Age. She was of a most sweet disposition and yet vvithall of a very solid vnderstanding The afflictions vvhich she sustained in this life vvere great and she made a most Christian end when she dyed VVe vvere three Sisters and nine Brothers and all through the goodnes of Almightie God vvere like our Parents in being vertuous except myself though yet I vvas the most beloued of them all by my Father and truly till I beganne to offend Almightie God he might seeme to haue had some reason For it goes to my verie hart to remember and consider those good inclinations vvhich our Lord had giuen me and the very little I knew how to serue myself thereof My Brothers also vvere such in their proceeding and vvay of life as that they did not by anie meanes dis-assist me from seruing Almightie God One of them vvas almost of my yeares and I loued him best of them all though yet I loued them all very much as they also did me But vve tvvo ioyned much togeather in reading the Liues of Saints and when I saw the Martyrdomes through vvhich some of them had passed for the loue of our Lord me thought they had bought Heauen vvhere they vvere to see and enioy his Diuine Maiestie very good cheape And myself also desired much to dye so though not yet for the loue vvhich I found and felt my self to beare him but rather that I might come by so compendious a vvay to enioy those great felicities which I had read to be imparted in Heauen I associated my self therefore to this Brother of mine to consider vvhat meanes there might be for our obtaining this end And so vve grevv to resolue that vve vvould goe into Barbarie amongst the Mores and begg by the vvay as vve vvent that so vve might come by degrees to loose our liues there for our Lord. And it seemed that he gaue vs courage enough for this purpose euen in that tender age of ours if vve could haue found anie meanes to sett it on foot but our euen hauing of Parents seemed to be the greatest hindrance vve had We found our selues much amazed to perceaue in those things vvhich vve read that both the Paine and Glorie of the next life vvas to last for euer and vve chanced to speake often of this particular and vve tooke pleasure in repeating these vvords many times For euer For euer For euer and by continuing to pronounce them long and often our Lord vvas pleased to imprint the way of Truth vpon my hart in that verie infancie of mine But novv vvhen I savv it vvas impossible for me to goe where they might put me to death for the loue of our Lord my Brother and I proiected how to become Heremits at home and so in a certaine Garden vvhich belonged to the house vve procured to set vp some little Oratoryes or Chappels after the manner of Heremitages the best we could and vve assembled little stones for that purpose vvhich vvould instantly be falling downe againe and so vve met vvith no meanes to put out good desires in execution But in the meane time I am not vvithout some feeling of deuotion to consider hovv soone it pleased Almightie God to giue me this kinde of tendernes towards him vvhich aftervvards I grevv to loose through mine ovvne fault I gaue Almes as vvel as I could though it vvere but little I procured to be much alone for the better doing my deuotions vvhich vvere manie and especially that of the Rosarie to which my Mother vvas much affected and she endeauoured also to make vs so I tooke particular contentment vvhilst I vvas playing vvith other Children like myself to frame certaine little things like Monasteries as if vve had been Religious woemen and me thought I desired to be one though yet not vvith such vehemencie of affection as I did those other things vvhereof I spake I remember that vvhen my Mother dyed she left me a little less then tvvelue yeares old and as soone as I beganne to vnderstand hovv great a losse I had sustained by loosing her I vvas very much afflicted and so I vvent besore an Image of our Blessed Ladie and I humbly besought her vvith manie teares that she vvould vouchsafe to be my Mother And though I performed this little action but in a plaine and simple manner yet me thinkes I may vvel conceaue that it hath serued me to verie good purpose for I haue most euidently found the fauour of this Soueraigne Virgin concerning all things vvherein I haue recommended myself to her care and in fine she hath brought me about to her self It afflictes me to the very hart to see and consider hovv poore those impediments vvere vvhich kept me from remaining entire and constant in those good desires vvhich I beganne to haue But O my deare Lord since it seemes thou vvilt vouchsafe to saue me and I beseech thy Diuine Maiestie that it my be so and to shevv me so great fauours as thou hast donne me might it not please thee not for my interest and profit but for that high reuerence vvhich is due to thy self to take order that this house of my hart vvherein thou shouldst for euer remaine might be no more defiled Nay it goes O Lord to my verie soule euen to say thus much because I knovv and feele that the fault therof vvas vvholy mine for as for thee I finde clearly enough that there wanted nothing at all on thy part to secure me for being totally thine ovvne euen from that tender age of mine And if I vvould be content to seeke some colour to complaine of my Parents vvith as little reason also can I doe that since I could neuer discouer any thing in
I still desired to recouer my health though yet I endured my sicknes with great alacritie And I would be thinking and considering sometimes that if by enioying my health I might chance be damned it would be better for me to remaine still as sick as I was but howsoeuer I conceiued that I should be able to serue Almightie God much better if I could enioy my health Now this is the abuse and errour which deceaues vs not to resigne ourselues entirely to the disposition and good pleasure of our Lord who knowes best what is fitt for vs. But in the meane time I got manie Masses sayd for this purpose and I resorted also to the vse of other solid and approued Prayers for I was neuer a friend of certaine odd deuotiōs which are vsed by diuers persons and especially by woemen with some odd Ceremonies which I could neuer endure since I vnderstood that they sauoured of Superstition howsoeuer other folkes were moued by them And so I tooke for my Aduocate and Lord the Glorious S. Ioseph and I recommended my self much to him and I haue seen clearly that this Father and Lord of mine hath drawne me as well out of this necessitie as out of other greater when there was question of Honour and Losse of the Soule and that with more benefit and aduantage then euen my self could tell how to desire Nay I cannot remember that hitherto I euer desired anie thing by his meanes which he hath failed to obtaine for me and it is able euen to amaze me when I consider the great Fauours which Almightie God hath donne me by meanes of this Blessed Saint and the dangers both of Bodie and Soule out of which he hath deliuered me In such sort as that it seemes our Lord hath giuen the grace and power to other Saints to succour men in some one kinde of necessitie of theirs but I finde by good experience that this glorious Saint succours vs in them all and that our Lord will make vs vnderstand that as he would be subiect to S. Ioseph vpon earth and that by enioying the name of his Father and by being as it were his Directour and Tutour he might command him so also he would now in Heauen grant whatsoeuer this Saint should desire This truth hath also been seen by the experience of others whome I haue desired to recommend themselues to this Saint and now manie are growne to be deuoted to him and my self also haue fresh experience of this truth For my part I procured to celebrate his Festiuitie with all the solemnitie I was able to vse but yet with more vanitie then true spirit desiring that it might be performed with much curiositie and exactnes though yet still with good intention But I euer had this of ill That if our Lord enabled me at anie time to doe anie thing which was good it would be full of imperfections and faults whereas towards the doing anie thing amiss and for the exercising of curiositie and vanitie I vsed much diligence and dexteritie and cunning our Lord pardon me for it And now I would faine perswade all the world to be deuoted to this glorious Saint for the great experience which I haue had of the blessings that he obtaines for vs of Almightie God nay I haue neuer knowne anie one who is seriously deuoted to him and performes him particular seruices whome I finde not also to goe proceeding on in vertue for really he assists those soules much which recommend themselues to him And to my best remembrance there are diuers yeares wherein I haue desired somewhat of him vpon his Festiuall Day and I haue euer found it granted and if peraduenture my petition had some little of the indirect belonging to it he redressed it and set it streight for my greater good If I were anie such person as had authoritie to write I would gladly enlarge my self heer to make particular relation of the Fauours which this glorious Saint hath obtained both for me and others but to the end that I may doe no more then I am commanded I must be shorter in manie things then I would and more large in others then is needfull like one in fine who hath little discretion for the doing of anie thing which is good Only I begg for the loue of Almightie God that whosoeuer can belieue me will try the truth of what I say for he shall find by experience how greatly a good thing it is to recommend himself to this glorious Patriarch and to be deuoted to him Especially such as giue themselues to Prayer should alwaies be affectionate to this Saint for I know not how one can thinke of the Queen of the Angells at those times when she suffered so much during the Infancie of our Lord Iesus and not giue thankes to S. Ioseph for the great assistance which he gaue them at that time Whosoeuer wants a Maister who might instruct him to pray let him take this glorious Saint for his guide and he shall neuer loose his way I beseech our Lord that I may haue committed no errour in presuming to speake of this Saint for though I thus professe and publish my self to be deuoted to him yet haue I been euer faultie in the not doing him reall seruices and in not imitating his vertues But now he did like himself by procuring that I might be able to rise and walke and be no longer a Cripple and so I did also like my self in making so ill vse of this fauour But now who would euer haue imagined that I could so soone fall back againe after my receiuing so manie regalo's at the hands of Almightie God and after his Diuine Maiestie had vouchsafed to giue me some Vertues which euen as it were of themselues did awake and stirr me vp to his seruice and after I had seen my self euen as it were dead and in so imminent danger to be condemned to Hell and after he had raised me againe both in Bodie and Soule in such sort that all they who saw me were euen amazed to finde that I could so long be aliue But what is this O my Lord and my God Is this life to be still so dangerous which we are to liue Euen now whilst I am writing this me thinkes that by this fauour and mercie I might be able to say with S. Paul though yet not with such perfection as he sayd it that now It is not I vvho liue but thou O my Creatour vvho liuest in me according to the experience which I haue had some yeares by that little which I am able to vnderstand of my self and still thou holdest and keepest thy hand ouer me and I find my self full of desires and good purposes and in some sort I haue proued also euen by experience of manie things in these late yeares that I would by no meanes doe anie thing which should contradict or cross thy will how little soeuer it might be though yet I well belieue that I
in the Garden it vvas to my thinking as if our Lord had made it to be vttered for me so quick vvas that sense vvhich I had therof in my hart and I vvas for a very great vvhile euen dissolued as it vvere in teares and felt a great affliction and vexation O my deare Lord hovvmuch doth a Soule grovv to suffer and vvhat torments doth it endure for the loosing of her libertie vvhilst yet she vvas created and ordained to be the Ladie of her self and to command For my part I am in a wonder how I could be able to endure so great torments But blessed be Almightie God who gaue me life till I might get out of that so deadly a death And now me thought my Soule was obtaining great strength at the hands of that Diuine Maiestie and that now he might grow to be pleased to heare my Outcryes and haue compassion of my so manie teares Vpon this my affection to spend more time with him beganne to encrease and to take my self also out of the way of ill occasions for when they once were gone I began to loue his Diuine Maiestie againe At least I thought I might conclude my self then to loue him but the truth is that I vnderstood not as I ought to haue vnderstood in what the true loue of God did consist and to the best that I am able to iudge I did euen scarce make an end of disposing my self finally to resolue to serue him when his Diuine Maiestie began already to vouchsafe me new Regalos and Fauours And it seemes that what others must be glad to endeauour to get with much labour our Lord was faine to find meanes to make me content to accept which was in these latter yeares to delight and regale me in great measure I neuer presumed to desire that he would giue me euen so much as anie tendernes of deuotion but I only begd so great mercie as might winne him to allow me pardon for my sinnes already committed and so much grace as that I might committ no more But I seing how great they were durst neuer aduisedly desire anie regalo's or spirituall delights at his hands for me thought he shewed me pittie enough and it was really a very eminent mercie to consent that I should ariue to be in his presence considering how well I knew that if himself had not procured it I should neuer haue come Only once in my whole life I remember that whilst I was in great drynes of Deuotion I desired him to giue me some little spirituall gust but as soone as I reflected vpon what I had donne I remained so full of confusion by it that the onlie vexation I had to see my self with so little humilitie did giue me that verie aduantage which I had presumed to beg I was not ignorant that it might be no way an vnlawfull thing to desire it but I conceaued that this was true for them vvho vvere vvell disposed to receiue it by their hauing procured true deuotion vvith all their power vvhich consists in not offending Almightie God and in being inclined and resolued to doe all that vvhich vvas good And mee thought those teares of mine vvere but faint and feminine teares and vvithout anie force or strength since I obtained not that by them which I desired though yet vpon the whole matter I also belieue that they were vsefull to me as I haue sayd For in particular after those two seuerall times of that so great compunction and trauaile of hart which I had I beganne to giue my self more to Prayer and to interest my self lesse in such things as might doe me hurt though yet I did not vtterly giue them ouer but God as I was saying went helping me to withdraw my self out of those dangers For his Diuine Maiestie did but expect some preparation or disposition in me that so his Spirituall Fauours might grow on in such sort as I shall relate our Lord being not accustomed to grant them but to such as maintaine their Consciences in more puritie then mine had formerly possessed THE TENTH CHAPTER She beginnes to declare the Fauours vvhich our Lord did her in Prayer and speakes of that vvherein vve may be able to help our selues And hovv much it also imports vs to vnderstand the said Fauours vvhich our Lord is pleased to doe vs. She humbly desires of him to vvhome she sends this account of herself that vvhatsoeuer she shall declare from hence forvvard may remaine in secret vvith him since he had commanded her to set dovvne in so particular a manner the Fauours vvhich our Lord vvas pleased to doe her I Enioyed sometimes as I sayd some beginnings of that which I shall now declare though it vsed to passe away very quickly It fell out in this representation whereof I spake when I placed my self neer Christ our Lord yea and sometimes also when I would be reading that there would come suddainly vpon me and without either expectation or anie immediate preparation on my part such an euident feeling of the presence of Almightie God as that I could by no meanes doubt but that either he was within me or els I all ingulfed in him This was not in the manner of a Vision but I thinke they call it Mysticall Theologie and it suspends the Soule in such sort that she seems to be wholy out of her self The Will is in act of louing the Memorie seems to me to be in a manner lost the Vnderstanding in my opinion discourses not although it be not lost yet it workes not in that kinde as I was saying but remaines as it were amazed to consider how much it vnderstands though yet it pleases God that it vnderstand it self also not to vnderstand fully anie part of that which his Diuine Maiestie represents to it Before this time I had been vsed to finde a very constant and continuall tendernes or sweetnes which I thinke may in some part be procured and it is a regalo which is neither wholy sensuall nor wholy spiritual but it is wholy the guift and blessing of Almightie God and it seemes that we may greatly help towards the obtaining this for our selues by considering our owne basenes and the ingratitude which we vse towards Almightie God how much he did for vs his Passion and grieuous Torments his whole Life which was so full of affliction to delight our selues in considering his Workes and his Greatnes how much he loues vs and manie other such things as these vpon which whosoeuer shall haue care to profit will be able to fall manie times though yet he haue iust then no particular designe that way And if togeather with these reflections the partie fall out to be possessed and seazed with anie loue of Almightie God the Soule will be all regaled the hart will be full of tendernes and relenting and teares will also abound which sometimes we shall seem to haue gotten as it were by force and at other times
what I was before And this doe I intreat your Reuerence that you will beg of our B. Lord for me since you know with more clearnes what I am then heer you haue giuen me leaue to expresse THE ELEAVENTH CHAPTER She declares in vvhat the fault consists of not obtaining to loue God vvith perfectiō in short time She beginnes to deliuer it by a Comparison vvhich containes Foure degrees of Prayer And she treats heer of the First vvhich is very profitable for beginners and for them also vvho haue no sensible delight or gust in Prayer NOw to speake of them who beginne to be Seruants of our Blessed Lord for Loue and to me it seemes to be nothing els to resolue to follow him by this way of Prayer who loued vs so much I find it to be a thing of so great dignitie that I regale my self after a strange manner euen by the very thought thereof For seruile feare will instantly flye away if we carrie ourselues as we ought in this first degree of Prayer O thou Lord of my Soule and my eternall Good how comes it to passe that when a Soule resolues to loue thee and to doe the vttermost she can to leaue all this world that so she may the better employ her self vpon this loue of thee thou art not pleased that she should instantly enjoy the getting vp to possesse this perfect loue But I haue sayd ill for I ought indeed to haue sayd that I complaine against our selues because it is wee who will not possesse it since all the fault is ours for not instantly obtaining this true loue of God with perfection which carries all kindes of blessings in company thereof For the matter is that we set so high a price vpon our selues and we are withall so slow in giuing our harts totally to God that as his Diuine Maiestie on the one side will not permitt that we should enioy so pretious a thing without paying well for it so on the other we neuer make an end of disposing our selues therein as we ought I am able to see well enough that there is nothing at all in this world with which so great a treasure can be bought but yet if we did indeed what we could by not fastning our selues to anie thing of this world but that all our cares and considerations were sent-vp to Heauen I am confident that this blessing would be imparted to vs with very great speed if speedily and entirely as I was saying we disposed our selues to the receauing thereof as some Saints haue done But the miserie is that we thinke we giue God all and the truth is that we offer his Diuine Maiestie but the yearlie Rents or Reuenues and Fruits our selues remaining still with the rootes and possession of the Land We resolue to make our selues poore for God's sake and it is a point of great merit to doe so but yet we returne manie times to take care and to vse diligences enow that nothing may be wanting to vs I say not of that which is necessarie but sometimes also euen of that which is superfluous and to be procuring also to make friends who may help vs to it and so put vs still into more care yea perhaps into more danger too that so we may grow to want nothing then euen we had before when we were the possessours of our owne estates It seemes also that when we came to be Religious or as soone as we beganne to lead a Spirituall life and to aspire towards perfection we gaue-ouer to care for the honour of this world and yet as soone as euer anie Creature beginns but to touch vs in that kind we forget that we had already giuen it away to Almightie God and we resolue sometimes to snatch it againe out of his hands and runne away with it euen after we seemed to haue voluntarily made him the entire Lord therof And iust thus doth it also happen sometimes in other things Now this indeed is a very delicate fine foolish ridiculous way of seeking the loue of Almightie God when togeather with this pretence we will as a man may say haue our hands still full of the same imperfect inclinations and affections vvhich vve had before since vve doe not procure indeed to effect our owne former good desires and still vve endeauour not at length to raise them vvholy vp from the earth and yet vve vvill needs expect the while to enioy manie Spirituall comforts and delights But this seemes not to be of a Suite nor doth the one Stuffe sitt well vvith the other and therefore because vve vvill not once resolue to giue our selues totally vp to Almightie God vve come not totally to enioy this Treasure And I pray God it may please his Diuine Maiestie to vouchsafe to grant it to vs though it should be but by drop and drop and though it should grovv to cost vs all the labours and troubles of the vvhole vvorld A very great deale of mercie doth our Blessed Lord shevv to that person to vvhome he giues the firme purpose and grace to resolue vpon procuring this blessing vvith all his power for certainly if such an one shall perseuer Almightie God vvill deny himself to no Creature but will by little and little goe enabling that Soule in such sort as that at length it shall find it self to be victorious But I sayd that the Partie must haue courage because the Diuel doth ordinarily in the beginnings dispose himself to represent yea and frame very great difficulties to the end that so we may not hold-on this way in good earnest as one who knowes very vvell vvhat preiudice is like to grovv to him by it not only through his loosing the Soule of that Partie but of manie others also if he vvho beginns to serue God endeauour once by his fauour to ariue to the perfection therof For I belieue that such an one will neuer goe alone to Heauen but will carrie very manie with him and that like a good Captaine he shall finde that God will giue him a faire Companie So that since the Diuel will be sure to lay such dangers and difficulties in his way there will be need of very great courage and resolution to keep one from running away yea and also there vvill be need of much and much and very much fauour and mercie of Almightie God for this purpose Now therefore to speake of the beginnings of such as be already resolued to goe in search after so great a blessing and to obtaine vvhat they aspire to in the end for as for that vvhereof I vvas going once to speake concerning Mysticall Theologie for so I thinke it is called I vvill treat thereof afterward the great and greatest trouble consists euer in these verie beginnings For those are they which cost most when a Soule comes to giue our Lord the whole Stock And in the other degrees of Prayer which follow the most part of that which passes is
a firme Foundation So that the true Loue of God consists not in hauing teares or tendernes or Spirituall gusts which we are wont for the most part to desire and to take comfort in but to serue his Diuine Maiestie with Iustice and Fortitude and Humilitie For in that other course me thinkes we are rather on the taking hand then on the giuing anie thing of our owne As for poore weake sillie woemen and who are of little courage like me me thinks I could find it fitt that our Lord should carrie them on with Regalo that so they might be the better induced to suffer those afflictions which it hath pleased his Diuine Maiestie that they should beare But for the true Seruants of God men of Substance and solid wayes men of Learning and Vnderstanding to make so much reflection vpon God 's not giueing them tendernes of Deuotion as I see they doe I confesse it giues me disgust euen to heare it I say not but that they should receaue these Spirituall delights when God giues them yea and that they should esteem them very much because in that case his Diuine Maiestie will haue seen that they were conuenient for them but only that when they haue them not they should not vex themselues and that they should also vnderstand that when God giues them not they are not conuenient for them but that they ought to be and remaine the Lords of themselues in all things Let them belieue that this is a defect and fault in them for I haue seen and tryed it Let them belieue that this is an imperfection and that it is not to walke on with Libertie of Spirit but rather like weake and cowardlie people who dare not set vpon difficulties And I say not this so much for them who are but beginners though yet I presse it so farr because it imports very much that they beginne with this Libertie of Spirit and resolution but euen for others also For there are manie who haue already begunne and yet who neuer in fine resolue vpon doing heerin home what they ought and I belieue that this proceeds in great part from their not resoluing to take vp and carrie this Crosse from the verie beginning For such shall goe on still afflicted as conceauing that all that is nothing which they doe because when the Vnderstanding giues-ouer to worke and act they vse not to be able to endure it and yet perhaps they will grow euen fatt and strong at the verie self same time though themselues vnderstand it not to be so We are to thinke and know that our Lord doth not consider and care for these things for howsoeuer our selues may thinke that they are faults yet they are not so indeed and his Diuine Maiestie knowes our miserie and base condition much better then our selues and considers that these Soules desire to be thinking alwaies vpon him and that they desire to loue him And this is that firme purpose which he values and expects at our hands But that other is but an affliction which we bring vpon our selues for it serues but to disquiet the Soule and to giue occasion that if before it were vnable to take anie benefit by seruing God for one hower it may now be so for fowre And manie times for I haue very great experience of this case and know it to be true because I haue both considered it with care and haue also treated about it with Spirituall persons this growes euen from our corporall indisposition for we are so very totally infirme that this poore little wretched Soule of ours participates in the miseries of the Bodie and euen the alteration of the weather and the reuolution of their owne naturall humours are many times the occasion why without euen anie fault of their owne they cannot well doe euen what they would but are faine to suffer thus in all kindes And when they striue to force themselues in these coniunctures of time it proues to be so much the worse with them and the inconuenience will last so much the longer But discretion must be vsed heerin to weigh when this Effect proceeds from this Cause and they must not oppress and stifle this poore Soule but vnderstand and consider that it is sick Let the hower of Prayer in God's name be changed yea and manie times it will be fitt to doe so for some dayes and let them passe through this bannishment of theirs as well as they can since it is misfortune and miserie enough for a Soule which doth indeed loue Almightie God to see that she liues in so great miserie and that she is no way able to doe euen what her self desires in regard that she is lodged with so vntoward and ill an Host as this Bodie is I sayd this was to be done with discretion because sometimes the Diuel will be a cause of these things and therefore it is good neither alwaies to leaue the vsuall set time of Prayer whensoeuer there may be great disturbance and distraction in the Vnderstanding nor yet alwaies to stand tormenting the Soule towards the making it doe more then it can There are also other exteriour workes of Charitie of reading also which may be vsed though yet sometimes the Soule will not be so much as fitt euen for that but in that case let the Minde be euen subiect as it were to the Bodie for the loue of Almighty God since manie other times the Bodie serues the Soule and let the Partie in such cases take the entertainment and pastime of conuersation with others so that it be holie or diuert himself with going a little abroad to take the Ayre as the Ghostlie Father shall aduise For Experience is a great Schoole-Mistris in all things towards the giuing anie one to vnderstand what may be fitt and Almightie God is serued in all this busines for his Yoake is sweet and it is a thing of much importance that the Soule be not seruilely dragged as one may say but that it be carried sweetly on towards the receauing of more benefit and profit So that I aduise againe and againe for though I say it often it will doe no hurt because the matter imports so much that no bodie is to afflict nor oppress himself either through drynesses or disquiets or distraction of thoughts nor yet to goe vp and downe with anie such kind of tribulation if they pretend to gaine Libertie of Spirit But let him once beginne not to be in such a fright vpon the sight of the Crosse and he shall see how our Blessed Lord will help him to beare it and what contentment he will grow to haue and how he will be able to make his profit of all things For already we may sufficiently perceaue that if there be no Spring of Water in the Well we know not how to put anie there True it is that we must by no meanes be negligent and careless but endeauour to draw it out if there be
all their hopes are lost though for my part I conceaue that all that Losse is Gaine But let them as I haue sayd represent themselues as in the presence of Christ our Lord and without wearying of the Vnderstanding be speaking and regaling themselues with him and not tire their witts to finde out and frame certaine Discourses but let them only present their necessities and the reason which he may haue not so much as to endure them there Some one of these considerations will serue at one time and some other at an other that so the Soule may not be wearie of feeding alwaies vpon one dish These particulars are both very gustfull and very profitable also if once the Partie be accustomed to feed on them for they vse to bring great support and strength for the life of the Soule manie aduātages also otherwise I will declare my selfe further vpon this matter because all these points concerning Prayer carrie their difficulties along with them and vnlesse there be a good Directour at hand they are very hard to be vnderstood And this is the verie cause why though I would faine make short and that iustly because it would suffice for me but euen to touch them by reason of the great capacitie of him who commanded me to write these particulars of Prayer yet my dulnes is not able to declare explicate in few words a thing which it so much imports to be well vnderstood And because I suffered so very much by vsing only Bookes when I beganne the exercise of Prayer I haue compassion of all them who doe so too for it is no lesse then strange to see how farr otherwise Bookes are wont to be vnderstood then men see they ought to haue been when once they come to haue had experience of these things But now to returne to what I was saying let vs put our selues to consider some passage of the Passion of our Blessed Lord and for example let it be that when he was tyed to the Pillar And heer let the Vnderstanding search-out the cause of those great dolours and afflictions which his Diuine Maiestie felt in that Solitude of his as also vpon manie other things which if the Vnderstanding be good at working or els if he haue Learning he may easily be able to fetch from thence And this is a manner of Prayer wherein all Creatures may both beginne and proceed and make an end and it will be a very excellent and secure way till our Lord may perhaps carrie them on to other things which are supernaturall I say for all though yet there be manie Soules which profit more by other Meditations then by that of the Sacred Passion For as there are manie Mansions in Heauen when a Soule is there so are there also manie wayes thither Some profit more by considering Heauen and some afflict themselues best by thinking of Hell others by reflecting vpon Death and some if they be very tender-harted are too much troubled and vexed if they alwaies goe ruminating vpon the Passion and they regale themselues better yea and they also profit more by considering the Power and Greatnes of Almightie God in his Workes and the Loue he beares vs which they finde to be represented to them in all his Creatures And this is an admirable way of proceeding though yet still we must neither forget nor forbeare to consider the Life and Passion of our Blessed Lord very often that in fine being the verie thing from which all our good both euer did and euer can ariue to vs. He who is a Beginner had need be carefull to consider very well what that is whereby he profits most and to this purpose he will haue great need of a Directour if he can meet with an experienced man for if he be not so in good measure he may chance err by carrying a Soule on without either vnderstanding her himself or els giuing her to be vnderstood by the Partie For as the Partie cannot but know of how great merit it is for him to subiect himself to a Directour so he will not presume to depart from that which the other shall direct I haue mett with certaine Soules which haue been afflicted and deiected and streightned because he who had the instructing them wanted experience and I was hartily sorrie for them And some also I haue seen who knew not what to doe with themselues for they not vnderstanding matter of Spirit afflicted themselues both in Bodie and Soule and the while were sure enough not to benefit others One of them told me once of a Directour of hers who would not suffer her in eight yeares togeather to passe on out of the consideration of the knowledge of her self and yet our Lord had her then in the condition and degree of Quiet Prayer but so she was in trouble enough And though it be very true that this point of the knovvledge of ones self is neuer indeed to be vtterly giuen ouer nor is anie Soule in the way of Prayer to thinke she hath so much of the Gyant in her as not to vnderstand that manie times she must turne Child and suck againe and this must neuer be forgotten and perhaps I shall also speake often of it againe in regard that it imports so much because there is no State of Prayer so high wherein it will not be necessarie to turne-againe often to the beginning And this point of the knowledge of our selues and of our Sinnes is the daily bread which must be eaten with all the meate how delicate soeuer it may be of such as are in this way of Prayer yea and without this verie bread they will neuer be able to support and strengthen themselues yet must euen this be taken by weight and measure For when once a Soule findes her self layd very flatt and low and sees clearly that she hath no good thing of her owne and findes her self to be full of confusion and shame so much as to appeare in the presence of so great a King and the little which she is able to pay him for the very much which she findes her self to owe him what necessitie is there to spend so very much time vpon this without applying our selues to such other things as our Lord may perhaps set before vs and which it will not be reason for vs to leaue since his Diuine Maiestie knowes better then we vpon what it is conuenient for vs to feed So that it imports vs very much that the Directour be well aduised I meane also that he be of good vnderstanding and experience and if with this he be also learned it will be of mightie importance But yet still when all these three parts shall not chance to meet togeather in the same man the two former qualities of these three will fall out to import more then the third because they may easily procure to consult with such as are learned whensoeuer they shall haue need thereof
improue so much the more as also because by this time she is growne to approach neerer to that vertue and power from whence all vertues proceed which is Almightie God because his Diuine Maiestie doth not only then communicate himself to that Soule but he is also pleased that she should find in what sort it is that he communicates himself to her In ariuing once to this place she instantly beginnes to loose the appetite of all things concerning this world and I cannot blame her for already she sees very clearly that one moment of that gust is not to be purchased heer and that no riches nor dominions nor all the honours nor delights of this world are able to giue such contentment and satisfaction as this though it were but for the twinkling of an eye because this is true contentment and such an one as we really see and find to content vs indeed For as for those others of this world it may well goe for a wonder if we can so much as tell euen wherein the contentment of anie thing doth consist Nor doth there euer faile to be a kind of measuring cast between the Yea and the No in anie of them but heer all is in the Affirmatiue and professes to say Yea as long as it lasts and the No comes not in till afterward because then they see that the busines is growne to be at an end and that he cannot recouer it againe nor knowes indeed how to goe about it For though he should euen halfe kill himselfe with doing Pennance and making much Prayer and vse in fine all other possible diligences yet will it all serue to very little purpose vnlesse our Lord vouchsafe to impart it But Almightie God is pleased heer for his owne greatnes that this Soule should now vnderstand that his Diuine Maiestie vouchsafes to be so neer her that now there is no need of sending anie messengers to her but only that she her self may speake with him though yet not by word of mouth because then he is already so neer her that he vnderstands her as a man may say euen by the verie least stirring of her lipps But now it may chance seem to some to be impertinent for me to talke after this manner in regard the world knowes well enough that our Lord doth euer heare vs is euer present with vs and there can be no doubt at all but that this is true But yet heer this Emperour and Lord of ours is pleased that we should also vnderstand that he vnderstands vs and what his presence is able to doe what he will particularly beginne to worke in our Soules and the great both interiour and exteriour satisfaction which he imparts and the mighty difference which as I haue sayd there is between this kind of delight and gust and all the other of this world For this seemes euen to fill all those hollow and voyd places which our Sinnes had made in our Soules And this so great satisfaction is in the very most intimate part thereof and she knowes not how nor by what meanes also it comes nay manie times she cannot tell euen what to doe nor what to aske no nor what to wish For the Soule seemes there to find all good things togeather and she doth not very well know euen what she hath found nor yet can I tell how to giue it to be vnderstood For there would heer be need of Learning for manie purposes and heer would it come very well in to giue to vnderstand the difference betwixt Generall and Particular Helps or Succours of Grace whereof manie are ignorant And our Lord in this Prayer is pleased that our Soule should see this particular Succour as it were with her verie eyes and manie other things also which may perhaps be ill declared heer by me but since vnderstanding persons are to see what I write and who will know if it haue anie errour in it wherein I may easily be found faultie enough through want both of Learning Spirit I am in the lesse paine and care considering that this goes into the hands of such as will both vnderstand it will blott also anie such thing out as may haue been ill sayd Yet I would faine giue this to be vnderstood because these are the beginnings and when our Lord disposes himselfe first to doe these Fauours the Soule herself doth not vnderstand them nor doth she know what to doe with her self For if Almightie God conduct and guide her by the way of feare as he did me the trouble is very great vnlesse there be some at hand who can vnderstand her But then it is a great gust for her to see her self well described by them for then she euidently findes her self to be in that way and it is also of great benefit to know what one hath to doe in anie of these States or Degrees that so they may goe profiting on For my part I endured much and lost a great deale of time because I did not know how to carry my selfe And therefore I haue very great compassion of those Soules which find themselues alone when they are come thus farre for though I haue read manie Spirituall Bookes and though they touch vpon that which is to the purpose yet fall they very short in declaring themselues and vnlesse the Soule be very well exercised in Prayer she shall haue enough to doe to vnderstand them though they seeke to expresse themselues at large I could very much desire that our Lord would doe me the fauour that I might know how to set downe the effects which these things that grow already to be Supernaturall vse to worke in the Soule to the end that it might be vnderstood by them when it is the Spirit of God I say that it might be vnderstood according to what we can thinke we vnderstand in this world though it will alwaies be very well done to goe on with circumspection and feare For though it be indeed of God yet the Diuel can tell how to transforme himselfe sometimes into an Angel of Light and if a Soule be not well exercised in Prayer she will not vnderstand it well and indeed to be exercised well enough to vnderstand this point as it deserues the Soule must be ariued to the highest Degree of Prayer The little time I haue will allow mee no great help for what I am designeing and therefore his Diuine Maiestie had need to doe it himself for I must be stirring vp and downe in the Communitie haue manie other businesses to doe since I am at this present in a House which is but beginning now as I shall shew afterward and therefore I am writing this without anie such rest and quiet kind of being as were conuenient so that I must doe it by little and little and by fitts But I could wish I were now at more leasure for when our Lord giues a spirit to doe a thing it is easily and much
which his Diuine Maiestie giues to that Soule to shew that he chooses her out for great things if she will make her self fitt to receaue them I say this is a mighty guift yea and farre greater then I am anie way able to expresse And it is matter of much greife to me that as I was saying I know manie Soules which ariue thus farre and that yet there are so very few which passe further at least as they ought to passe that I am euen ashamed to confesse it I say not that there are so very few who passe on for it may very well be that there are manie for God doth not sustaine vs for nothing but I only speake of such as I haue seen For my part I would earnestly wish them not to hide their Talent since it seemes Almightie God chooses them out for the profit of manie others and especially in these times when it is so necessarie that his Diuine Maiestie should haue strong freinds to support and vphold such as are weake And let them all who finde that they haue receaued this great Fauour at our Lord's hands esteem themselues for strong if they know how to correspond well with the lawes which a firme and fast freindship euen of this verie world requires And if they will not let them apprehend very much and feare that they shall doe themselues a great deale of hurt yea and I pray God that it may be to none but themselues That which the Soule is to doe in these times of enioying this Quiet is but only that with suauitie and without noyse she employ the Will to vnderstand with much calmnes and discretion that the Soule is not to negotiate with Almightie God by the strength of the Arme. I call it noyse if the Vnderstanding goe seekingout manie words and considerations to giue thanks for this benefit and to make vp a mightie heape of her defects and sinnes to shew that she deserues not this Fauour For all is in motion now and the Vnderstanding represents many things to vs and the Memorie is boyling vp and really these Powers of the Minde are wont to giue me trouble enough at times and in regard that I haue but a weake Memorie I cānot in these cases subdue them But those other considerations and mentall discourses be indeed no better then as so manie great loggs of wood which are layd with small discretion vpon that little Sparke of fire to quench it And therefore let her know and say with great humilitie O Lord what am I able to doe heer What hath this Seruant or Slaue to doe with the Lord of Heauen and Earth Or els she may vse such other words as shall present themselues then in the way of Loue. But note heer that she must be very very well grounded vpon knowing that to be true which she saith Now as for that which concernes the Vnderstanding let the Soule consider it no otherwise then meerly as if it were a Miller and if she will needs giue it part of that which she enioyes or shall labour to recollect it also to her self she will find that it is not to proue well with her For manie times it is seen that during this Vnion and repose or rest in the Will the Vnderstanding is still much out of order and if the Will cannot be be able to arrest it it is better to let it alone then that she should still goe hunting after it I say the Will But let it remaine enioying that Fauour and be recollected and shut-vp in it self like a wise Bee for if no one of the Bees should goe into the Hiue but all be gadding abroad so to be still ferching one another home there would little store of hony be made And so a Soule will loose very much if she be not well aduertised of this and especially if the Vnderstanding be quick and sharp For if once such an one beginne to put discourses in order and light vpon some prettie reasons to the purpose she will if they be handsomly sayd beginne to thinke that shee performes some great exploit But the discourse which is to be vsed heer must be a knowing clearly and confessing plainely that there is no other reason at all why Almightie God should euer doe vs so great a Fauour then his owne onlie goodnes and to consider that we are now approached so neer to him and to begg Fauours of him and to beseech him also for his Church and for all such as haue recommended themselues to vs and so also for the Soules in Purgatorie and this not by the noise of words but only by a feeling desire to be heard by his Diuine Maiestie This is a Prayer which comprehends very much and we shall obtaine more thereby then by multiplying much rowling discourse by way of the Vnderstanding But let the Will stirr-vp her self by some reasons which will easily represent themselues to her then when she findes her self to be so very much improued to quicken-vp her Loue and to make her performe certaine amourous acts of how great things she would be glad to doe for one to whome she owes so verie much without admitting and permitting as I sayd that the vnderstanding part should make a noise in the search and pretence of doing high and mightie matters For heer anie few little poore strawes presented and offered-vp with Humilitie and they may be sure enough to be strawes if we bring them will make a great deale more to the purpose and will help to kindle a good fire more quickly then a great deale of bigg loggs of wood will be able to doe I meane reasons which in our opinion shall be very sure to quench and put-out the fire euen in the turning of a hand This is good for learned men who command me to write all this for through the goodnes of God it may be hoped that all of them ariue hither and it might perhaps so happen amongst them that this time would passe away in applying some places of Scripture But though that kinde of knowledge could not faile to be vsefull to them both before such occasions as these and also after yet at these verie times of Prayer there would be little occasion to vse it in my opinion vnlesse they had a minde to coole the feruorous employment of the Will For the Vnderstanding findes it self then to possesse such an excessiue kind of claritie by being so neer to Light it self that euen I with being so poore and miserable as I am seem to be another kinde of Creature And it is most certainly true that it hath hapned to me being in this kind of Quiet and without vnderstanding in effect anie thing of the Prayers which are recited in Latin and especially of the Psalter that not only I vnderstand the Verse in Spanish but I passe also yet further on and delight my self highly in considering what the meaning of that Spanish is I speake not
need also of such considerations as these And there are times when Almightie God will try them nay it will seem as if this Diuine Maiestie would forsake them For as I haue sayd already and I would faine not haue it be forgotten the Soule in this life which we liue encreases not as the Bodie doth though yet we say it doe and really it doth encrease but yet a Child after he is growne and become tall and proues to be already a man returnes not to decrease againe and to haue a little bodie Yet now in the point of a Soule our Lord will haue it be otherwise by what I haue seen of my self for I know it not in respect of others and it ought to humble vs for our owne greater good and to the end also that we may not be negligent as long as we shall be in this bannishment since he who is highest in vertue shall doe well to feare himself most and to trust himself least The times perhaps may come when euen they who haue their Will so conforme to the Holie Will of Almightie God that they would rather be tormented and endure a thousand deaths then swarue from it shall doe well to be in doubt that euen they may grow to fall into some great offence of his Diuine Maiestie And so there are certaine times when they shall see themselues so assaulted by temptations and persecutions that to the end they may not commit grosse sinnes they will haue need to serue themselues of the First Defensiue weapons of Prayer and returne to remember and consider that all the world is finally to end and that there is a Heauen and a Hell and to vse such considerations as these But now returning to what I was saying a great foundation it is for being freed from the subtle enterprises and gusts which the Diuel is wont to giue to beginne with a firme purpose at the verie first to walke in the way of the Crosse and to desire no such thing as gusts since our Lord himself shewed this way of perfection by saying Take thou vp thy Crosse and follovv me For he is to be our Patterne and whosoeuer shall follow his counsels and that for no other reason then to content him may be sure that he shall haue nothing to feare And by the spirituall profit which they shall finde in themselues they will easily come to know that the Diuel had no hand therein and though they should euen returne to fall againe there will yet remaine one signe that our Lord had been there which is That they will quickly rise againe besides these others which I shall now declare When it is the Spirit of Almightie God there will be no need at all to goe in Quest and Sent after certaine reasons to draw humilitie and confusion from thence For our Blessed Lord himself is wont to impart it in those cases after a very different manner from that which our selues can procure by anie prettie little considerations of our owne all which are nothing in comparison of a certaine true Humilitie that comes along with a light which our Lord instructs vs in heer and which breeds such a reall confusion in vs as euen doth ētirely defeat vs. And the knowledge which Almightie God is wont to giue vs to the end that we may perfectly vnderstand that we haue no good at all of our selues is a thing very sufficiently perceaued and still so much the more as we receaue the higher Fauours from his hands It also imparts to a man a very great desire to proceed in Prayer and he will not giue it ouer for anie trouble which may possibly succeed to him He offers himself and is readie to endure all things He hath also a kind of assured hope that he shall be saued though yet still not without humilitie and feare By this time he also instantly forsakes all kind of seruile feare of his Soule and it giues a great deale of growth to a Filiall feare in stead thereof He sees that now he beginns to beare a certaine loue towards Almightie God which is farre from anie interest of his owne he couets to get times for Solitude that so he may haue the better oportunitie to enioy that good In fine that I may not wearie my self too much this is a direct beginning of all good things a State wherein the Flowers are now vpon the verie point to blossome And all this the Soule sees very clearly and can by no meanes at that time conceaue but that God was and will be with her till such time as she shall returne to find her self guiltie of faylings and imperfections towards him for in that case she feares all things and it is fitt that she doe so Though yet there are Soules in the world to which it proues more vsefull to beleiue for a most certaine truth that they are well with Almightie God then all the feares of the world are able to giue them For if the Soule in her self be apt to be enamoured and gratefull the memorie of that great Fauour which God did her will be of more power to make her returne to his Diuine Maiestie then all the torments of Hell which they can possibly be euer able to represent At least as wicked as I am it hapned after this manner to me Now as for the signes of a good Spirit I will speake of them heerafter more at large for now I cannot doe it since it costs me so much trouble of manie kindes to get them written our faire and I belieue that with the fauour of our Lord I may be able to hitt right in this kinde for besides the experience which I haue whereby I came to vnderstand manie things I know somewhat by meanes of some learned men who indeed are very learned and of some person 's also who are very holie to whome it is great reason to giue beleif And therefore let not other Soules be so very much afflicted and vexed as I haue been when once through the goodnes of Almightie God they shall be come on so farre as to find themselues in this State THE SIXTEENTH CHAPTER She treats of the Third Degree of Prayer and goes declaring some very high points and vvhat a Soule vvhich ariues thus farre may be able to doe and vvhat effects these so great Fauours of our Lord are accustomed to vvorke The sense heerof is very fitt to raise the Spirit high in the praises of Almightie God and it is also of great consolation for the Soule vvhich ariues to this State LEt vs now come to speake of the Third Water wherewith this Garden is watered for this is a running Water of a Riuer or Spring and it waters it with much lesse labour though yet the distribution thereof causes some Our Lord will heer so help the Gardner that in some sort he will be as it were the Gardner himself and in effect the Doer of all This is
vpon him and he will haue her take her case and only that the Will may accept of those Fauours which she enioyes and she must offer her self to goe through with all that which he who is true Wisdome shall be pleased to ordaine for which purpose there is really need of a great deale of courage For so great * and high vses that ioy to be that sometimes it seems that there needs not so much as a haires breadth for making the Soule goe instantly out of that Bodie and O what a happie death would that be And heer me thinkes that comes in very well which once was sayd to your Reuerence that you must leaue your self wholy in the Armes of God If he will carrie you to Heauen That you goe If to Hell there will be no torment there so that you be with him who is your totall good If instantly to make an end of this life That you desire nothing els And yet that you be as well pleased if yet he will haue you liue a thousand yeares Let his Diuine Maiestie dispose of you as of a thing which is properly his owne for your Soule is now no longer yours but it wholy belongs to our Lord and therefore you must be altogeather out of care Now I say that in so eleuated and high a Prayer as this she vnderstands that she can performe it without anie wearines at all to the Vnderstanding for when God giues this Prayer to a Soule she is able to doe all this yea and can also worke other manner of effects then these Only me thinkes she is as it were amazed to see our Lord performe the Office of a good Gardner so well and is not pleased that she should take anie trouble or paines but only that she is to delight her self in beginning to enioy the odour of those Flowers For in one such approach as this how little a while soeuer it may last such a kind of Gardner this is for he is the Creatour of the Water and he giues it so very freely beyond measure that what this single poore Soule was not able to assemble by the labour of tyring-out her Vnderstanding in twentie yeares togeather this Celestiall Gardner doth it all in one moment of time and the Fruit doth so grow and become ripe that it is able through the good pleasure of our Lord to sustaine the Owner thereof and to enable him to liue vpon the gaine which he makes by it Only he giues not this Soule leaue to Present of this Fruit to others till such time as she be growne strong by what her self hath eaten of it and she must not squander it away in trying idly how it tasts For so she not valuing the profit which she might make by it nor they paying her anie thing for it to whome she gaue it she comes to maintaine and feed them vp at her cost whilst her self may by degrees grow to be readie to dye of hungar This will perhaps be well comprehended by them who haue a right kind of vnderstanding and will know how to apply it better then I can declare it and now I am euen wearie to thinke if it In a word the truth is this that the vertues which are obtained in this Prayer remaine so much stronger heer then in the Prayer of Quiet whereof I spake before that the Soule cannot be ignorant thereof For she finds her selfe to be wholy growne another kind of thing then she was and she beginnes she euen scarce knowes how to act and worke great things by the odour which the Flowers yeild of themselues For now our Lord is pleased that they may sprowt and open to the end that she may know she hath vertues though yet with all she see very clearly that she was not able to acquire and get them but that the Celestiall Gardner was pleased to impart them to her as it were at an instant The humilitie also of this Soule is much greater and more profound then in the former Prayer because she sees more clearly that her self did neither much nor little but only consent that our Lord might doe her those Fauours and she embrace them with her Will To me it seemes that there is in this kind of Prayer a very euident Vnion of the whole Soule with God saue that it also seemes that his Diuine Maiestie giues libertie to the Powers thereof to vnderstand and enioy the abundance of what he works therein Now it happens sometimes yea and manie times that the Will being thus vnited that your Reuerence may see both that this may be and may also be able to vnderstand it when you haue it and at least it puts me almost out of my witts therefore I relate it to you heer knowes and vnderstands that it is tyed-vp and bound and yet in condition of enioying I say againe it knowes that it self being the Will remaines in much Quiet whilst yet on the other side the Vnderstanding and Memorie are free and are able to treat of businesses to attend to certaine workes of Charitie Now though this seem to be all one with that which was spoken of in that other Discourse of Quiet Prayer yet it is different Because there the Soule is in such case as it would faine not stirr nor moue it self in that kinde of Prayer as enioying the leasure and contemplation of Marie I meane of S. Marie Magdalen Whereas heer in this Prayer she can also act the part of Martha So that she doth now in effect performe the offices both of the Actiue and of the Contemplatiue life and all at once and is able to exercise her self vpon those businesses and workes of Charitie which are incident to her condition And she can also read though yet still the Powers or Faculties of her Soule are not absolutly the Lords of themselues and still she vnderstāds well enough that the greatest part of her self that is to say her cheif attention and operation is somewhere els It is iust as if we were speaking with some one and that withall at the self same time some other person were speaking to vs in such sort as that we were not entirely attentiue either to the one or to the other But it is a thing which is perceaued very clearly and giues great satisfaction and contentment whensoeuer it ariues and it vses to be a very great preparation and disposition to the end that whensoeuer the Partie may be in anie Solitude or exemption from busines the Soule may instantly enioy a very perfect quietnes and repose This is a certaine Being as if a person receaued such a kinde of satisfaction and cessation of appetite in himself as that he would haue no need at all to eat but felt his stomack content in such sort as that he would not easily apply himself to tast of whatsoeuer should be set before him but yet withall that if he saw such meate as he liked he would not forbeare to
And now it seemes to me that our Lord hath declared these States of Prayer wherein the Soule may discerne her self as farre as she can be giuen to be vnderstood heer And your Reuerence shall doe well to conferr about it with some such Spirituall person who may be learned as shall haue ariued thus farre And if he tell you that all is well you may conceaue that God hath sayd it to you and esteem it as a great benefit from his Diuine Maiestie for you will in tract of time reioyce as I haue sayd very much to vnderstand in cleare manner what it is though now whilst you haue the grace to enioy it he allowes you not the Fauour to vnderstand it so But as his Diuine Maiestie hath giuen you the first part which is the enioying so you will afterward perhaps by your knowledge and learning come also to vnderstand it by this meanes Let him be adored and praised for the eternitie of all eternities Amen THE EIGHTEENTH CHAPTER She treats of the Fourth Degree of Prayer She beginnes heer to declare in excellent manner the great dignitie to vvhich our Lord aduances that Soule vvhich is exalted to this State It serues to animate men much to endeauour that they may ariue to so high a condition since it may be obtained in this vvorld through the goodnes of our Lord though it cannot be deserued Let this be read vvith consideration and care I Beseech our Lord that he will teach me how to vse some words and way of speech which may enable me to say somewhat of this Fourth Water for I well discerne that I haue need enough of his Fauour heerin euen yet more then I had in that of the last because in that the Soule doth find her selfe not to be wholy dead and so we may very well say that she is not dead because she remaines still in the world but still as I affirmed she hath sufficient vnderstanding to know that she is still heer and that she findes the Solitude wherein she is serues her self to some proportion of the exteriour at least so farre as by outward signes to giue that which she feeles to be vnderstood In all that kind of Prayer and in the manner also of it which hath been described the Gardner labours to some proportion though yet in the Prayer of these latter kindes his labour goes accompanied with so much ioy and such a happie kind of ease as that for his part he findes no trouble at all in it for he considers it not as Trouble but as Glorie and he would be glad that it might neuer end But in this Fourth Degree or kind of Prayer there is no suffering left at all but only enioying though yet without anie distinct particular vnderstanding of what is enioyed He knowes well enough that a certaine Good is enioyed wherein all good things are contained and shut-vp but yet this Good is not totally comprehended by him All the Senses are taken vp vpon the finding and feeling of this ioy in such sort as no one of them is so dis-employed as that it can possibly attend to anie thing els either in the exteriour or interiour way Before a certaine leaue or libertie was giuen to these Powers that they might be able to make some kind of demonstration of the great ioy they felt but heer the Soule enioyes much more beyond comparison and can giue her self also to be vnderstood much lesse Because there is no meanes left in the Bodie nor yet hath the Soule anie at all wherewith to communicate that ioy but all things would then be disturbance and euen torment to her yea and distraction from the entirenes of her sweet repose I say the Soule is no way able to communicate the ioy she hath if indeed there be an absolute and entire Vnion of all the three Powers togeather for as long as that Vnion lasts and that also if she be able to communicate it I say there is no absolute Vnion In what manner this thing happens which they call Vnion and what the thing also is I am not able to giue to be vnderstood It is declared in that which they call Mysticall Theologie but as for me I am not able so much as to name euen the tearmes Nor doe I know what that is which is called Minde nor the difference between Minde and Soule nor what also is Spirit for to me all these seuerall things seem to be but one though yet the Soule now and then spring-vp euen out of her self as if it were a kind of fire which is burning vp in a flame and sometimes this fire encreases with a kind of impetuositie Now this flame rises very much higher then doth the fire but yet still notwithstanding all that it is no distinct thing from the verie fire but it is the flame it self which still is in the fire Your Reuerence will vnderstand this matter by your learning but as for me I know not how to declare it better For my part the thing which I pretend to declare is what the Soule finds and feeles when it is in this Diuine Vnion for as for the knowing what an Vnion in generall is it is euerie where vnderstood well enough to be when two seuerall things become one O my deare Lord and how good art thou Blessed be thou for euer and let all things praise thee O my God who hast been pleased to loue vs in such sort as that we may be able to speake with truth of this kind of communication which thou vouchsafest to hold with Soules euen in this bannishment of ours which although they were neuer so holie and good yet this latitude of liberalitie and magnificence of thine were great in proceeding with them after this manner But in fine it is all thine owne Maiestie and Greatnes who giuest after the rate of what thou art O infinit latitude of Bountie and how magnificent are thy workes They are able euen to amaze anie such person as hath not his Vnderstanding wholy employed vpon the things of this world and who hath left himself no roome both for the knowing and considering such things as are reall truths But now that thou shouldst be pleased to fasten such Soueraine Fauours vpon Soules which haue offended thee so much doth really euen make an end of my verie Vnderstanding and when once I come to consider of this proceeding of thine I am euen vnable to passe on anie further But indeed how can anie Creature goe anie whither in this case which shall not be a meer comeing back againe since no Soule can euer know how to giue thee anie tolerable thankes for so incomparable Fauours As for me I help my self sometimes with speaking certaine impertinencies which haue neither head nor foot and it often happens to me both when I come from receauing these Fauours and when also our Lord is beginning to impart them for as for the verie time when I am enioying them I
my Lord who hast in such sort vouchsafed to make so filthie a Fish-Pond as I was become so pure and cleare a water as that it may serue for thine owne Table Be thou adored and praised O thou Regalo of the Angels who hast vouchsafed thus to exalt so base a worme This profit of the Soule remaines for some time therin and now she can already vnderstand clearly enough that the Fruit is none of her owne and she beginns to giue part of it to others without euer feeling anie want of it her self She now beginns also to giue signes and apparances of being the owner of some such Soule as it to be a Iewel-House fitt for the Treasures of Heauen and to carrie great desires of making others partake them and humbly to beseech Almightie God that she may not be alone in possessing them She beginns now to profit her Neighbours without almost vnderstanding it her self and without her seeming to doe anie thing therin but they who receaue the benefit vnderstand it well For already doe those Flowers yeild so high and apparant a Sent that it inuites all the world to come neer them They know that she hath great Vertues and they see that the Fruit is very tempting and they would faine help her to eat it And now if the earth of this Garden be manured and digged-vp very deep with Persecutions with Detractions and with Sicknes as there are few who ariue thus farre without these things and if also it be very cleane stripped of all proper Interest the Water sinkes so very deeply into this Soyle that it will scarce be euer dry againe But yet if it be such a kind of earth as that with being earth it haue also such a quantitie and companie of thornes as I remained with in the beginning and if it want a rooting-out of the occasions of ill and is not withall so gratefull as so high a Fauour requires that Soyle growes againe to be dry And in that case if the Gardner proue negligent and slack and if out Lord through his owne onlie goodnes doe not againe resolue to bestow raine vpon it you may well giue this Garden for destroyed and lost For iust thus did it happen to me seuerall times and really I am euen amazed to reflect vpon it yea and it were not possible for me to beleiue it if the case had not been wholy mine owne But now I write thus much for the comfort of such Soules as are weake like mine to the end that they may neuer despaire nor so much as once leaue to haue confidence in the greatnes of Almightie God and that although they should fall euen after our Lord had brought them to so incomparable Fauours as are mentioned heer they must not yet despaire vnlesse they will be totally lost for there is nothing which will not be gotten with teares and so the employing of one Water will be the meanes of getting another One of the things by which I haue been animated with being that miserable Creature which I am to write this Discourse and to giue this kind of account of my wicked Life and of the Fauours which our Lord hath been pleased to doe me and that not whilst I was seruing him but offending him hath been this And really I wish now that I were some person of great authoritie that so I might be the better beleiued in this particular and I humbly beseech the Diuine Maiestie of my deare Lord that he will bestow this Fauour vpon me I say then that no one euen of those Creatures who haue begunne to vse Mentall Prayer is to be dismayed with saying If I should returne to be wicked againe it would be worse for me to goe forward with the vse of Prayer For the thing which I beleiue is that it will be worse if he giue-ouer his Prayer and forbeare to reforme his life But if he shall not giue-ouer his Prayer let him be confident that it will bring him againe to the Port where he shall be able to see the Lanterne and ariue safe The Diuel made so feirce batterie against me and I passed so long without Prayer as conceauing that being so wicked as I was it would be an act of more humilitie to desist from it that I gaue it ouer for about a yeare and a halfe or for a yeare at least for of the half yeare I remember it not so very precisely But this was likelie to be and was then indeed no other thing then for me to put my self euen into Hell without needing anie Diuels for that purpose O my deare Lord how great is that blindnes and how vnhappily doth the Diuel hitt right for his purpose in laying so heauie a loade vpon vs heerin The Traytour knowes very well that he hath lost that Soule which continues with perseuerance in Prayer and that all those Falls which he procures to giue vs will but assist vs through the goodnes of Almightie God to make afterwards the greater leape towards his Seruice The Diuel I say knowes very well how much this imports him But O my deare Iesus what a thing it is to see a Soule in this State falne-back to Sinne when yet thou by thy mercie dost lend him that hand of thine to rise againe O how will such an one come to know the multitude of thy greatnesses and mercies togeather with his owne miserie Heer comes this Creature in to vnderstand thy Maiesticall way and to annihilate himself in good earnest Heer is the Soule not once presuming so much as to lift her eyes vp to Heauen though yet she raise her thoughts to consider the vnspeakable obligation which she hath to thee She heer growes all deuoted to the Queen of Heauen that she may helpe to appease thee Heer she inuokes those Saints who fell after thou hadst once called them to thy Seruice to the end that she may be assisted by them Heer she conceaues and finds that whatsoeuer Crosses thou send her they are all of them too easie and light because she sees already that she deserues not the verie ground vpon which she goes Heer enters the frequenting the Sacraments of the Church and that vigorous Liuelie Faith which now remaines in her hart as seing the great power and vertue which God infused into it The praising thee for hauing left such Vnguents and other Medicines for the cure of our Sores which close not only the skinne but take them vtterly away In a word she is amazed at all these things and who O thou Lord of my Soule is not to be amazed at so great mercie and at such an ouerflowing kind of Fauour vpon our Treasons which are so abominable and fowle that for my part I cannot vnderstand how my hart comes not euen to splitt when I write thus much because I find my self so very wicked And yet the while it seemes as if I had a minde to make thee a kind of recompence satisfaction
for so many fowle Treasons as I haue committed against thee by these few poore little teares of mine which yet are giuen mee by thy selfe and which really for my part thereof are but as so much water of a stinkeing Well For still I am committing Sinnes procuring to frustrate euen as it were annihilate the Fauours which thou hast done me But be thou pleased O my Deare Lord to giue vallew to these poore teares and doe thou purifye this so troubled Water of my Soule though it should be for no other reason then only to keep men free from the temptation of making rash iudgements as for my part I haue been subiect to this thought Why O Lord dost thou passe ouer those other holie people who haue alwaies serued and suffered for thee and haue been bred-vp in the way of a Religious Life and are indeed truly Religious and not like me who had no more therof then the name And yet I clearly see that thou didst them not those Fauours which thou hast done me But yet heer I discerne very well O thou my eternall Good that thou keepest their reward in store that so thou maist giue it them all togeather and that my weaknes is so great that I had need to be proceeded with thus whereas they like gallant persons are content to serue thee still without these helps and so thou treatest them as valiant people who haue no interest of their owne But yet I with all this O my Lord cryed-out manie times before thee excusing them who murmured against me because I thought they had too much reason for what they sayd But this occurred to me O Lord when already through thy goodnes thou with-heldst me from offending thee so highly anie more and when I went diuerting my self from all that which I thought might displease thee For when once I beganne to doe but thus much thou also didst beginne to open thy Treasures towards this Seruant of thine and it seemes thou didst expect nothing els but only that there might be an inclination in me to receaue them so quickly didst thou beginne not only to bestow them but to be pleased that the world should vnderstand it When this was once perceaued some beganne to hold a good opinion of me though all had not yet knowne well how ill I was and that much of it did then half appeare But then did Detraction and Persecution beginne at a clapp and in my opinion not without much cause And therefore I vndertooke no enmitie against anie Creature but only besought thy Diuine Maiestie to consider what little reason they had They sayd that I had a minde to make my self a Saint and that I inuented certaine Nouelties though I had not ariued yet by a great deale to fulfill all myne owne Rule nor ouertaken in the way of vertue those manie good and holie Religious Woemen who were in that Monasterie Nor doe I thinke indeed that I shall euer ariue so farre vnlesse Almightie God through his goodnes will be pleased to performe it all on his part but rather that I was likelie to abolish that which was good and to establish certaine customes which were not so at least I did what I could to introduce them and I had alwaies power enough to doe hurt So that they blamed me without anie fault of theirs nor doe I say that they were only Religious Woemen but others also who told me truth because it was permitted by thee When once I was saying my Office I who had sometimes been subiect to this temptation came to this Verse Iustus es Domine rectum iudicium tuum Thou art iust O Lord and thy iudgement is right and I beganne to consider how true this was for in this kind the Diuel had neuer power to tempt me so farre as to make me doubt but that thou O Lord art the Owner and Authour of all goodnes no nor yet in anie thing at all which belongs to Faith Nay rather it seemed to me that the more they were aboue Nature the more firmely did I belieue them yea and they caused euen more deuotion in me And in regard that thou art Omnipotent all such greatnesses as thou shouldst be pleased to act and execute were resolued vpon and concluded in me and of this as I was saying I neuer had doubt So that when I came afterward to consider how thou couldst permit that there should be so manie deare Seruants of thine as I was saying who yet receaued not those Fauours and Regalos which thou wert pleased to vouchsafe me I being so miserable a Creature as I was thou answeredst me thus O Lord Doe thou serue me and doe not trouble thy self vvith that Now this was the verie first Word of that kind which euer I perceiued thee to speake to me and therefore it amazed me much And I will heerafter declare this manner of vnderstanding things togeather with diuers others I speake not of it heer for it were to goe from the purpose and I belieue I haue gone from it already and in effect I scarce know what I haue sayd nor can it indeed well be otherwise but your Reuerence must needs beare with these interuals and interruptions For when I once consider how much God endures at my hands and withall behold my self in this condition it is not to goe for a strange thing that I loose my ayme both in that which I say and am to say And I beseech our Lord that all my impertinencies and roauings may alwaies be of this kind and that his Diuine Maiestie may not permit that I may euer varie one haires breadth from him but rather that I may be consumed euen in this moment For it may well be sufficient for me to haue obserued and discerned his great mercie not once but often in that he hath been pleased to pardon so great an ingratitude as mine He pardoned S. Peter once but me often so that the Diuel had some kind of reason to tempt me as hopeing that I would not pretend to hold straight friendship with one with whome I had been in so publique enmitie But how great O Lord was this blindnes of mine For where could I euer thinke O my Lord to find anie remedie but by thee What a senslesse kind of follie was it for me to fly from the light that so I might for euer goe stumbling-on in the darke What a foolish kind of proud Humilitie was that which the Diuel inuented for me when he perswaded me to depart from leaning against that Staffe and Pillar which might support me that so my Fall might not be so great At this instant doe I blesse my self with the Crosse for me thinkes I neuer passed a danger so very hazardous in my whole life as this inuention was which the Diuel had a minde to teach me by way of Humilitie For he put it into my conceipt to thinke how it could be possible that so wicked a thing as
mee a very great deale of harrassing wearines to my self iust so as if some ordinarie person had been fighting with some strong Giant afterward I should finde my self very weary But at other times it was altogeather impossible for me to hinder it for my Soule would be carried absolutly away and ordinarily euen my head as it were after it yea this sometimes so farre as that my whole Bodie would be transported so as to be raised-vp from the ground This last hath happened rarely to me but once it was vpon the very point to ariue whilst we all were assembled togeather in the Quire and I being then vpon my knees as at the point of going to receaue the Blessed Sacrament it put me to an extremitie of trouble because it seemed to be a very extraordinarie thing and that instantly there would be much note of it and so I commanded my Religious-woemen for at that time I was growne to be Prioresse that they should not speake of it to anie creature But at other times when I beganne to discerne that our Lord was going about to doe the same againe and once in particular when diuers principall Ladies were present and it was vpon the Feast of our Vocation when there was a Sermon I did euen spread my self all along vpon the ground and though the Religious woemen came then about me to keep my Bodie downe yet the thing was easily perceiued Vpon this I humbly prayed our Lord in most particular manner that by no meanes he would doe me anie such Fauours as might carrie anie of these exteriour demonstrations with them for already I was very wearie of being necessarily so wary and watchfull ouer my self for that such kind of Fauours could not possibly be done me by his Diuine Maiestie but so that euerie bodie would come to know it And it seemes that through his goodnes he hath been pleased to heare my Prayer for since that time I neuer had anie Rapts of that kinde and to that proportion but it is true that it is notlong since I had the last But yet now so it is that when I had a minde to resist these Rapts there seemed to be somewhat of so mightie force vnder my feet which raised me vp that I know not to what to compare it but it came with much more impetuositie then anie of these other things of Spirit and so I was euen torne as it were to peices for the combat and strife is great but in fine all helped little for when our Lord hath a minde to doe anie thing no power is able to stand against it At other times he is pleased to content himself with letting vs see that he is disposed to doe vs that Fauour and that there is no auersion in his Diuine Maiestie and that we opposing our selues for Humility's sake there follow yet the self-same Effects as if we had wholy consented Now these Effects are great For first the mightie power of our Blessed Lord is made apparant thereby and that when his Diuine Maiestie is pleased to dispose of things otherwise we are no more able to detaine our Bodies then our Soules nor are we Lords therof but we must in despight of our harts acknowledge that there is a Superiour and that these Fauours come from him and that of our selues we can doe nothing in nothing and so a great impression of Humilitie is made vpon the Soule by this meanes And further I confesse that it bred also a great feare in me and at the first an extreame great one to see that a massie Bodie should be taken-vp from the earth For though the Spirit be that which drawes it after it and though it be with great suauitie and delight if it be not resisted yet our Senses are not lost thereby at least I for my part was so perfectly in my Senses that I was able to vnderstand that I was raised There doth also heerby appeare so great a Maiestie in him who can doe this that it makes euen the verie haire of the head stand on end and there remaines a mightie feare to offend so great a God but yet so as that it is wrapped vp in an excessiue kind of loue which she beginns to conceaue euen newly and freshly againe towards him whome she finds to carrie so great a loue to such rotten wormes as we are For now he seemes not content with drawing the Soule only to himself in so particular and so certaine a manner but that he will needs also draw the verie Bodie too euen whilst it is so very mortall and composed of so filthie earth as we haue made it by our Sinnes This also leaues in the Soule a very strange kind of loosning and casting it self off from all the things of this world whereof I know not how to expresse well what it is but me thinkes I may well say that it is not only in some sort a different but also a greater kind of thing then those others which worke vpon the onlie Spirit import For though in those other Visitations also there be a kind of totall vntying and loosning it self from all things for as much as concernes the Spirit yet heer it seemes our Lord is pleased that euen the Bodie also it self shall put this point in practise And it breeds in anie Creature such a new kind of shynesse and mislike in order to the things of this world that it makes euen our verie life much the more painefull to vs. It giues also such another paine as we can neither tell how to procure when we haue it not nor free our selues from the same when we haue it And I would be extreamly glad to be able to giue this to be vnderstood but I belieue I shall not know how to doe it though yet I will say somewhat if I be able But now it is to be noted that these things come vpon me when I am as it were in the verie Euening of the day after all those Visions and Reuelations whereof I will write after the time when I vsed to hold that Prayer wherein our Lord was wont to allow me so great Regalo's and gusts And though yet these things doe not cease with me at some times yet doth this Paine more often and more vsually seaze vpon me which I will now declare It hath sometimes of the more and sometimes of the lesse and now I will apply my self to speake of it as when it hath of the more For though I will treat heerafter of those great impetuosities which they vsed to bring vpon me before our Lord was pleased to giue me those Rapts yet they had in my opinion no more to doe by way of Comparison one with another then there is between things Corporall and Spirituall And I beleiue that I doe not exaggerate the matter a whitt by saying so because that Paine seemes to be such as that although the Soule doe feele it yet it feeles it
togeather vvith the Bodie and so both of them participate therin And it is not also with that extremitie of being as it were abandoned and vtterly forsaken which yet abounds in this wherein as I was saying we haue no part at all our selues But there often comes a kind of desire vnseasonably and vnexpectedly vpon vs and I know not from whence it moues And vpon this desire which penetrates the whole Soule euen at one verie instant she beginnes to afflict and euen belabour her self so as that she rises much aboue her self and indeed aboue whatsoeuer is created and Almightie God is pleased to make her so very desolate disgusted in order to all temporall things that how much soeuer she may labour and endeauour to the contrarie there is nothing in this world which will either accompanie her or whereby she would be glad to be accompanied but euen directly to dye in that Solitude For if anie bodie speake to her or if she would employ all the power which possibly she might haue to speake to others it serues to very little purpose for her Spirit doe what she can doth still not depart from making her find her selfe to be perfectly alone And though it seem to me as if Almightie God were then extreamly remote from her yet at times he communicates his greatnesses to her by a manner the most highly strange that can be imagined yea and more strange then can possibly be expressed Nor doe I beleiue that anie other creature will either beleiue it or can vnderstand it but only some such person as may haue felt it For this is no communication to giue comfort but only to shew the reason which that person hath to be afflicted and distressed for being absent from that Good which comprehends all good things in it self By meanes of this communication both the desire doth encrease and so also doth the extremitie of that Solitude wherein the Soule findes her self togeather with a certaine paine which is so very delicate and penetratiue the Soule being placed then in that kind of Desert that it may expresly and euen literally seem to be at that time that verie thing where of the Royall Prophet spoke when he was in the same verie Solitude Saue that our Blessed Lord would vouchsafe the sense of those things to him and make him feele it being a Saint after a more perfect manner But the words whereof I speake were these Vigilaui factus sum sicut passer solitarius in tecto I haue vvatched and am become like a solitarie Sparrovv vpon the topp of a House For so doth that Verse represent it self to me at those times that me thinkes I doe euen see mine owne condition therin And it comforts me to obserue that others haue also found themselues in so high an extremitie of Solitude and especially when they were such persons as the Royall Prophet was So that me thinkes this kind of Soule is not then it self but rather vpon the verie topp or ridge as one may say therof yea and of all things also which are created for then mee thinkes the Soule remaines in the very highest and most superiour part of her self At other times the Soule seemes to find her self in that occasion as in the verie extremitie of necessitie and miserie and that then she is saying and asking her self this question VVhere is novv thy God But now heer it is to be noted that for my part I knew not then what those words signifyed in the vulgar Toung yet when afterwards I came to know it I was much comforted to see that our Lord was pleased to bring them to my memorie without anie procurement at all of mine At other times I also called that Saying of S. Paul to minde That he vvas crucifyed to the vvorld I say not that I was so for I see but too well that I am not but me thinkes the Soule in this case is very much after that manner for she gets no comfort either from Heauen because she is not there nor carries she anie affection at all to the Earth nor is she also there but remaines as if she were euen crucifyed between Heauen Earth and suffering all the while without receauing anie succour either from one of these places or the other For that which comes to her from Heauen which is as I haue sayd before but a notice of Almightie God so admirable aboue all that which we know anie way how to desire doth but serue for her greater torment because it multiplyes the same desire in such sort that the excessiue paine thereof doth put her in my opinion euen past her senses saue that she remaines so but a very little while Now this condition of minde seemes to be no lesse then euen the verie agonie and passage of death it self yet withall there is so very great a contētment taken in this suffering that I know not to what in fine I may possibly be able to compare it It is a feirce and yet a sauourie and delightfull kind of Martyrdome since all that which concernes this world and which it is possible to represent to the Soule yea though it were euen the most delightfull Obiect which euer she had been accustomed to embrace is by no meanes admitted but is instantly cast sharply away from her She vnderstands also heer very well that she cares for nothing at all but Almightie God and yet she considers no particular thing euen in him but she will haue him all togeather and yet after a sort she knowes not what she would haue I say againe that she knowes not because her Imagination represents nothing at all to her yea and in my opinion during a great part of that time wherein she is after that manner the Powers of her Soule doe not worke that ioy which vses to be felt both in the case of Vnion and of Rapts for they are wholy suspended by her paine But O that I were able to giue your Reuerence to vnderstand this busines well though it were but that you might so make me know more particularly what it is For now this is that in which my Soule doth ordinarily most cōtinue whensoeuer I am not employed about somewhat she is put euen vpon these verie straights and agonie of death She is afrayd when she sees them beginne for feare least it should cost me my life but yet when it is once begunne she would be glad that during all that life which might last she might continue in that state of sufferance though yet still it be so very excessiue that the person is scarce able to endure it For sometimes I am in effect without anie pulse at all as my Sisters tell me who then come towards me to see what passes for now they beginne a little to vnderstand more of the case And the bones of my verie armes to which the ioynts are fastned grow then to be euen opened and my hands are so starke and
disorder and though she can doe nothing of her self forasmuch as may concerne the ministerie of the exteriour part yet leaues she not to vnderstand yea and also to heare as if a thing were spoken to her from farre off I say not that she either vnderstands or heares when she is in the highest part of the Rapt I say in the verie highest at those times when the Faculties or Powers are lost because then they are very straightly vnited to Almightie God and then in my opinion she neither sees nor heares But as I was saying in the former Prayer of Vnion this totall transforming of the Soule into God is wont to continue little yet for the time it lasts no Power of the Soule either feeles or doth so much as know what passes there And this seemes to be after this manner to the end that men may vnderstand that it is not God's will that we should know it and belike we are not capable therof at least it hath passed thus with me But now your Reuerence will peraduenture aske me how then it can come to passe that a Rapt should be able to last so manie howers To which I answer that the thing which hath often occurred to me is this That as I haue declared already in the former Prayer we enioy Rapts by certaine interuals and interruptions For the Soule doth manie times ingulfe it self or rather to speake both more properly and more truly our Lord ingulfs the Soule into him and entertaines her so a while and then there remaines that onlie Facultie of hers which is the Will Now me thinkes that busines and bussle of the other two Faculties and Powers is like those little Needles of Sunne-Dyals which vsually doe neuer stand still but yet when the Sunne of Iustice hath a minde to it he makes them stable and firme now this I say lasts but a very little while But yet since the impulse and impetuositie was great and the exaltation of the Spirit high the Will remaines ingulfed and behaues it self like a Soueraigne Ladie ouer all those operations which concerne the Bodie though those other Faculties and Powers of the Minde be in agitation and disorder And so also since those other two sayd vnquiet and disorderlie Powers haue a minde to disturbe and distract the Will for of enemies the fewer euer the better the Senses are not suffered to diuert it And so it growes from hence that they are also suspended because our Blessed Lord is so pleased and for the most part the eyes are shut though yet we had no intention to shut them and though by accident they may be open sometimes yet as I sayd before she doth not fix or ayme or consider at least at all what she sees But now the Bodie heer is much lesse able to doe anie thing with it self in order to that time when the sayd Powers shall returne to be vnited for then there will not be much for it to doe And therefore let him to whome our Lord shall vouchsafe this Fauour not be discomforted at all if then he chance to find both the Bodie to be as it were bound vp manie howers yea and euen his verie Vnderstanding and Memorie to be diuerted sometimes True it is that Soules be ordinarily in this case euen drenched yea and as it were drowned in the praises of Almightie God and in desiring also to comprehend and vnderstand that which hath passed with themselues and yet euen for this purpose they vse not to be very well awake but rather like some one who hath slept and dreamt and is not yet come very well againe to himself I declare my thoughts so largely heerin because I know there are persons at this time yea euen in this verie place to whome our Lord doth these Fauours and yet if they who direct them haue wanted the experience of these things perhaps they will conceaue that they are to be as it were dead in these Rapts especially if these Directours be not learned men And it is matter both of pittie and greif to consider how much is suffered by meanes of such Ghostlie Fathers as doe not vnderstand this busines which I will declare afterward Perhaps I know not well what I say but your Reuerence will easily vnderstand if I hitt anie thing right since our Lord hath already giuen you experience therin though yet because it is not long since you began you will not peraduenture haue considered it so much as I. But now though I endeauoured much and manie times yet the Bodie hath not strength wherewith to stirre it self but the Soule carries it all along with her The person who was sick doth thus recouer health manie times and she who was full of weaknes and paine recouers strength For they be great things which are bestowed in these cases and sometimes our Lord is pleased as I was saying that the Bodie should also feele his part of ioy since already it yeilds obedience to that which the Soule desires When once she is returned into her self it will happen to her if the Rapt haue been great to goe a day or two yea and sometimes three with the Powers so absorpt and as it were stupifyed that they seem not to be altogeather themselues But now heer comes-in the paine to be able to know againe how to liue heer are our feathers imped and heer are the sick ones falne off and heer is the Banner of Christ our Lord so directly raised-vp and displayed that now there seemes to remaine no more but that the Captaine of this Fort may either get vp himself or els may instantly be carried-vp to the highest Tower there to plant the sayd Standard for the glorie of Almighty God She lookes now vpon them who are below as one who is already in safetie for now she is so farre from fearing dangers that she rather wishes for them as a person to whome in some sort a securitie for obtaining victorie is designed She sees now very clearly the little that all worldlie things ought to be esteeemed or rather the direct Nothing which all things are They who are seated very high are able to discouer very much Already she renounces the hauing of anie Will and is resolued to haue no other then that which is the Will of our Lord and she giues him also the keyes of hers So that now she who was the Gardner is growne to be the Gouernour of the House nor will she doe anie thing at all but according to the will of the Lord thereof nor will she be Ladie so much as of her self no nor of any thing nor euen of anie single Well of that Garden And if there be anie thing in her which is good she desires that his Diuine Maiestie may dispose thereof for she will not from that time forward possesse anie kinde of thing whereof the proprietie may be her owne but couets that all things may be entirely done in conformitie to the
with them and if I could tell how and especially if I thought that they would beleiue me for I recommend them very much to Almightie God and I wish that it might doe them good When a bodie resolues to venture his life he may in effect doe what he lists and I desire very often to loose mine for that were to venture little for the gaining of much But now one may thinke that there is scarce anie Creature in the world who indeed liues cōsidering how grossly visible that great deceipt and errour is which we carrie about vs and with what blindnes we conuerse in this world But when once the Soule comes to the passe of this Water they are not bare desires which she carries for the seruice of Almightie God for then his Diuine Maiestie giues her strength also to put them in execution Nor can there anie such thing be once represented to her wherein she may thinke to serue him vpon which she will not cast her self all at once and yet she will thinke all the while that she is doing nothing for now she sees very clearly that all things are meerly nothing which concerne not the giuing gust to Almightie God The onlie trouble in this case is that there is nothing indeed deseruing truly the name of trouble which will offer it self to anie such person as is so very vnprofitable as I am But be thou O my eternall Good so well pleased as that once some such little moment of time may occurr as wherein I may be able to pay the least imaginable crumme of all that great seruice which I owe thee Ordaine thou things O my Lord in what sort thou wilt so that yet this poore creature of thine may once be able to pay thee some little seruice There haue been other manner of woemen in the world who haue done heroicall things for loue of thee but I am good for nothing but to prate and so it is not thy pleasure O my Lord to employ me about putting anie thing in execution but that all the seruice which I am to doe thee must passe away in words and desires yea and euen I haue not libertie in this little and peraduenture I should be faultie in all But strengthen thou my Soule and dispose of it first O thou the Good of all Goods my deare Iesus and then ordaine things in such sort as that I may once be able to doe somewhat for thee and that there may be no such Creature in the world as should endure to receiue so much and yet withall to pay nothing Let it cost O my Lord what it can but let not these hands of mine appeare alwaies so very emptie in thy presence since Rewards are to be set-out and giuen according to the Workes Behold heer is my Life heer is my Honour and heer is my Will and thou knowest that I haue giuen it all to thee and am entirely thine and therefore dispose of me according to thine owne good pleasure I see O my Lord very well how little I am able to execute but yet being now come to thee and hauing mounted-vp to this Tower from which Truths are truly discouered if thou depart not from me there is nothing which I shall not be able to performe and yet if thou depart how little soeuer that may be I am to goe where I was which is into a kind of being in Hell O what it is for a Soule which findes her self in such condition as this to be put to returne againe to conuerse in the world and to behold and see the Antick and fantasticall Puppet-Playes of this life which are so ridiculously ordered and to spend time in complying with this Bodie of ours both by sleeping and eating for all this wearies the Soule which knowes not how to scape from thence but finds it self to be surprized and enchained It then sees much more euidently the true captiuitie wherein we remaine by the verie condition of these Bodies of ours and by the miserie of these liues which we leade and then we come to know very well the much reason which S. Paul had to beseech Almightie God to deliuer him from it wherein he cryes-out alowd and beggs libertie of his Diuine Maiestie as I haue formerly sayd But now this is often done with so very great impulse of minde that the Soule would euen faine get out of the Bodie in pursuite of this libertie and in the meane time since she cannot be freed she walkes vp and downe the world like one who were sold for some Slaue to serue and play the Drudge in a strange Country And that which afflicts her yet more is that she knowes not how to meet with manie who will be so well disposed as to lament with her and to desire that which she desires for they ordinarily desire but to liue O that once we might be vntyed from all things and that we might not place our contentment in anie thing of this world How would then that paine which we should find to be liuing alwaies without God appease and temper the feare of death through the desire which by this meanes we should haue of attaining to the fruition of eternall life Sometimes when I am considering how such a Creature as I to whome our Lord hath giuen this light with such an imperfect kind of charitie as I possesse and with so poore repose as I enioy since my life hath deserued no better can yet so often find my self in distresse for being in this bannishment of mine I may easily grow to imagine what kind of sense and feeling that would be which Saints haue had in this case and what kind of commotion a S. Paul and a S. Marie Magdalen and such others like them would find in themselues in whome the fire of the Loue of Almightie God did raigne It must certainly haue been a continuall Martyrdome to them To me it seemes that all the ease or rather indeed absence of paine which I might be able to find in this world were but to treat with some such persons as in whome I might be able to meet with such desires as these I say desires with deeds and I say yet againe with deeds For there are certaine people in the world who if you will beleiue themselues are absolutly vntyed from the world so they publish that they are and so indeed it is very fitt they were because euen their verie profession and condition requires as much and so also doe those manie yeares since they beganne to enter into the way of Perfection But yet this Soule of mine knowes well how to find a difference euen from farre off between such as desire these things but in words and such others as confirme their words by their workes For she knowes how to vnderstand very well the little good which these doe in the world and the much which is done by those others and indeed this is such a kind of thing as
Benedictions and he will addresse your life by your Meditation vpon his for he is the best Originall and Patterne which we can possibly haue And indeed what can we desire more then to haue so perfect a Freind at hand who will neuer giue vs ouer in our afflictions and tribalations as they of this world are wont to doe Most Blessed is that man who loues him with all sinceritie of truth and who is alwaies carrying him close to himself Let vs looke vpon the Glorious S. Paul who seemes as if he could not suffer that euer the name of Iesus should be able to fall often enough from his mouth as one who did not faile to carrie it well imprinted vpon his hart And since I vnderstood of that other abstracted course whereof I spoke I haue reflected vpon diuerse great Contemplatiue Saints with much care and I find that they went no other way then this S. Francis she wes it plainly by the Wounds S. Anthonie of Padua by the Infant S. Bernard delighted himself much in the Humanitie of our Blessed Lord and so also did S. Katherine of Sienna togeather with manie other Saints as your Reuerence knowes better then I. This departing and abstracting ones self from all Corporeall Obiects should as it seemes be good since persons who are so Spirituall affirme it but yet in my opinion this must be vnderstood of Soules who are very Proficient in Spirit for till then it is euident enough that the Creatour is to be sought by meanes of the Creatures But yet I will vndertake nothing in this case since all depends vpon the Fauour which our Lord is pleased to shew to anie Soule That which I would faine giue to be vnderstood is that the most Sacred Humanitie of Christ our Lord must not be made to come into that account and let this point be well vnderstood wherein I would faine know how to declare my self When God is pleased to suspend all the Powers of the Soule in those kindes of Prayer which are related we haue seen plainly that this Presence of Christ our Lord is taken from vs whether we will or no and let it then be gone in a good hower for that kind of losse is a happie one whereby we come to enioy more of that which we conceiue our selues to haue lost for then the Soule employes her self wholy vpon louing him whome the Vnderstanding hath already endeauoured to know and she loues that which she did not fully comprehend and now ioyes in that wherein she could not also haue ioyed but only by loosing her self for her greater gaine But now that we should by tricks and of sett-purpose accustome our selues not to procure with our whole power to carrie alwaies in our eyes and I would to God it were alwaies this most Sacred Humanitie of Christ our Lord this I say is that which I like not since it is a way of making the Soule walke in the Ayre as we vse to say For it seemes that she hath no firme and stable resting-place howsoeuer she may make her self beleiue that she is full of God It is a great matter whilst we liue and are humane to procure to bring God to our selues Humane for this is that other inconuenience which I say there is for the first I beganne to say was a little want of humilitie in presuming to raise the Soule before our Lord raised her and not to content her self with meditating vpon a thing so pretious but that she will needs be a Marie before she haue taken the paines of Martha If our Lord himself be pleased that we be Marie there will be nothing to be feared though it should be vpon the verie first day of our doing him Seruice But yet let vs consider well of the matter as I thinke I was saying before for this small moate of little humilitie will make a shift to doe a great deale of hurt against profiting in the way of Contemplation But to returne now to the Second point We are no Angells but we haue Bodies and to desire to make our selues Angells whilst yet we are vpon earth and especially if they be so earthlie as I was is a kinde of follie or madnes But our thoughts in the ordinarie way haue need of a kind of leaning or resting-place though yet sometimes the Soule may goe so out of her self yea and manie times may be so full of Almightie God that perhaps she hath no neęd to recollect her self by meanes of anie thing created But this is not a thing so ordinarie and in businesses and persecutions and troubles when she cannot enioy so much Quiet and in the times also of Drynesse and dulnesse Christ our Lord is wont to be a very good freind For we consider him as man and we behold him full of weaknesses and afflictions and he is companie fitt for all good occasions and when once we are a little accustomed we shall finde him very easily kept close to vs though yet some such times will occurr as that we shall not be able to doe neither the one nor the other Vpon this reason it will be well to doe that whereof I haue spoken already namely not to pretend and procure any sensible consolation of Spirit but let anie thing ariue that will for it is no toy or trifle to embrace the Crosse of our Lord. This Lord of ours was forsaken by all manner of comfort and they left him all alone in his afflictions but yet let not vs doe so For he will reach vs his hand which can raise vs better vp then all our owne diligences would haue been able to doe and yet he will absent himself also when he shall thinke fitt and when he shall thinke it fitt he will also draw the Soule out of it self as I haue sayd before Our Lord is very well pleased to see a Soule with Humilitie introduce his Sonne for her Intercessour and he loues her so very much that euen when his Diuine Maiestie shall haue an inclination to raise her-vp to great Contemplation the same Soule may yet hold her self vnworthie and cry out with S. Peter Depart from me O my Lord for I am a sinnefull man I haue tryed this verie thing by experience and thus hath God conducted my Soule Let others therefore goe by some other short cutt as they please but that which I haue been able to vnderstand is that all this Ciment of Prayer is grounded vpon Humilitie and that the more the Soule is abased in that holie exercise the more is it exalted by Almightie God Nor doe I remember that euer he shewed me anie of those singular Mercies of which I shall speake afterward but when I found my Soule euen as it were annihilated with obseruing my self to be so very wicked Yea and sometimes his Diuine Maiestie tooke care to giue me to vnderstand certaine things towards the making me know my self so much the better which I could neuer haue told how to
imagine But I am of opinion that when the Soule doth anie thing on her part to help her self on as afforesayd towards that Prayer of Vnion how soeuer for the present it may seem to doe good yet the building will quickly fall as wanting anie sound foundation and I am afrayd that she will neuer ariue to true Pouertie of Spirit which consists in not desiring so much as comfort or gust in Prayer for all those of this world are forsaken already except consolation in affliction and that for loue of him who euer liued in them but to remaine also quiet in those verie afflictiōs and aridities for though they faile not to haue some little trouble thereat yet is it not so farre as to giue them anie such disquiet and paine as some giue themselues by conceiuing that if they be not alwaies labouring with their Vnderstanding and to haue sensible deuotion all is lost as if they could deserue so great a good by the paines they take I say not that they should not procure and maintaine themselues with much care in the Presence of Almightie God but if yet they be not able to obtaine no not so much as one good thought as I haue sayd els where yet let them not torment themselues because we all are vnprofitable Seruants what can we conceiue that wee shall be euer able to doe Our Lord is much better pleased that we may come to know this truth and that we may hold our selues fitt to be treated like some poore little Asses to turne that wheele about whereby the sayd Water is to be gotten who though they be put in blindfold doe not so much as know what they doe will yet get-vp more water then the Gardner with all the diligences he can vse No we must walke in this way with libertie of Spirit put our selues into the hands of Almighty God If his Diuine Maiestie shall be pleased to aduance vs to be of his Chamber Councell we must goe with a good will but if not we must be content to serue in inferiour employments and not to seate our selues in the best place as I haue sayd els where Almightie God hath more care of vs then we haue of our selues and knowes for what euerie bodie is fitt and for what therefore doth it serue for him to gouerne himself when already the whole Will is disposed of and giuen away to Almightie God In my opinion it is lesse to be tollerated or endured heer then in the First Degree of Prayer and it doth vsmuch more harme if any such errour be committed by vs for these are Supernaturall blessings If a man haue an ill voice how much soeuer he shall enforce himself to sing the voice will not be made good by it but if God shall once haue made it good he needes not be crying out before hand Let vs therefore alwaies humbly pray him to shew vs fauour let the Soule be wholy resigned but yet withall confiding in the greatnes of God And now when she hath gotten leaue to remaine at the feet of Christ our Lord let her not stirre from thence but continue in what sort soeuer it may be and let her imitate the Magdalena for when he shall find her strong he will take her vp with him to the Desert So that your Reuerēce shall doe well to keepe your self in this way till you meet with some other who may haue more experience then I and may know it better Only if they be persons who were but beginning to haue gust in Almightie God doe not beleiue them for they conceiue that they profit themselues more and haue more gust when they helpe themselues in such sort as is declared before O how Almightie God comes clearly and openly enough in without these little prettie helpes when he hath a minde to it and so as that whether we will or no he eleuates and hurries-away the Spirit euen as some Giant would dispose of a straw and so as that no resistance can be thought of But what a kind of impertinency is it for a man to beleiue that whensoeuer he lists a Toade should be made able to flye of it self And I hold it to be a more difficult and absurd kind of thing that the Spirit should be able to raise and exalt it self without being exalted and raised by Almightie God for it is all loaden with earth and with a thousand impediments and it will proue to be of little vse to it that it haue a minde to flye for though flying be more naturall to a Soule then to a Toade yet this Soule is already all plunged in a great bed of dutt myre as haueing lost that other qualitie by her owne fault I will therefore conclude with this that whensoeuer we dispose our selues to thinke and meditate vpon Christ our Lord we must remember the loue wherewith he did vs so manie Fauours and now greatly Almightie God was pleased to shew it to vs by giuing vs so high a pledge and pawne of his loue for one loue begetts and breeds another And though we should he meer poore beginners in this holie exercise and though we should withall be very wicked yet let vs still procure to be looking vpon this Obiect and still be stirring our selues vp to loue For if once our Blessed Lord vouchsafe to imprint this loue into our harts all things will grow easie to vs and we shall quickly fall to worke and that without anie trouble to our selues at all I beseech his Diuine Maiestie that he will vouchsafe to bestow it vpon vs since he knowes how very much the same imports vs for we beggit by the great loue which he bore to vs and for the sake of his Glorious Sonne who also loued vs all so extreamly to his owne cost Amen One thing I would faine aske your Reuerence how our Lord beginning to doe Fauours to a Soule and those so eminent and high as to bring her to perfect Contemplation which Soule were therefore in all reason to grow and remaine entirely perfect euen at that instant for certainly it ought to be so since whosoeuer receiues so very great blessings from Heauē should be extreamly farre from careing for anie such delights as concerne this life can possibly bring to passe that when she growes to haue Rapts and so to receiue more Fauours higher Effects thereof and that so much the more as she falls-out to be more vntyed from the world and considering yet withall how in the very first instant when our Lord ariues to a Soule he can leaue her entirely sanctifyed how I say our Lord can abandon this Soule afterward in processe of time without maintaining it in the perfection of vertue This I say would I very faine know for I vnderstand it not yet though I know well that it is a very different case what proportion of strength Almightie God leaues in a Soule when his visitation at the first
greatly feeling euerie offence which I might committ against Almightie God how light or small soeuer the same might be in such sort and to so high a proportion as that if I did but weare anie one little superfluous thing about me I was not able to recollect my self till I had put it off I made much Prayer to our Blessed Lord that he would be pleased to protect me still and that since I conuersed and treated the busines of my Soule with his Seruants he would neuer permitt that I should returne back againe for I conceiued that that would be a strange offence in me yea and that euen they would grow to loose credit by it vpon my occasion At this time came to this place Father Francis Borgia who had been Duke of Gandia and who already some yeares before had left all and had entred into The Societie of IESVS And now my Ghostlie Father as also the Cauallier of whome I spoke before came to me with desire that I would speake with Father Borgia and that I would also giue him account of the Prayer I held for they knew that the said Father Borgia was a person farre aduanced in being much fauoured and regaled by Almightie God and that as one who had left very much in this world for the loue of our Lord he was resolued to pay him for it euen here When Father Borgia had heard me he told me that it was the Spirit of Almightie God and that he was of opinion that now it was fitt no longer to resist his Fauours though yet till then he thought it to haue been well done But that I should alwaies beginne my Prayer with the consideration of some passage of the Passion and if afterward our Blessed Lord would eleuate the Spirit I should not resist it but suffer his Diuine Maiestie to carrie it away prouided alwaies that my self should not haue anie hand in procuring it But he in fine as being a man who had trauailed farre already in that way did giue me both counsaile and phisick For experience is a great matter in these affaires and he sayd it was an errour to resist the Fauours of Almightie God now anie longer My self was greatly comforted by this and so also was the Cauallier and he reioyced much to heare Father Borgia say that it was of Almightie God and he also aduised and assisted me in what he could which was very much About this time they changed my Ghostlie Father from that place to another which I resented extreamly for I thought I was to turne wicked againe as also I conceiued that it would not be possible that euer I should finde another like him My Soule was full of discomforts and feares euen as if it had been planted in a kind of Desert nor did I know in fine what to doe with my self A certaine Kinswoeman of mine procured then to carrie me along with her to her House and I procured also to goe the rather that so I might get another Confessarius of the Societie of IESVS Our Lord was also pleased then that I should make freindship with a certaine Ladie a Widdow who was both of much qualitie and of great Prayer and she conuersed very much with the Fathers of the sayd Societie and she drew me also to Confesse to her Confessarius I remained a good while in her house for she liued neer me and I was glad to treat much with those Fathers for euen by the only vnderstanding which I came to haue of the sanctitie of their conuersation and way of proceeding the profit which my Soule found and felt was great This Father beganne to addresse me and engage me vpon wayes of more Perfection He told me that for the giuing Almightie God entire contentment and gust there was nothing to be lest vndone But this he sayd with a great deale of prudence and sweetnes for my Soule was not yet anie thing strong but green and tender especially in the point of giuing-ouer certaine freindships which I maintained at that time for though I offended not Almightie God thereby yet the affection which I bore them was very great and I held it to be a kind of ingratitude to giue them ouer And so I also told him that since Almightie God was not offended by it what reason could there be why I should become vngratefull He sayd I should doe well to recommended it to Almightie God for some dayes and to recite the Hymne of Veni Creator Spiritus c that so the Holie-Ghost might giue me light to doe that which was best Hauing therefore been one day much in Prayer and humbly beseeching our Blessed Lord that he would assist me to please him in all things I beganne the Hymne and whilst I was saying it there came a Rapt vpon me so instātly and so suddainly that it tooke me as it were out of my self and of this I could not doubt for it was very euident and it was also the verie first time that our Lord shewed me the Fauour of Rapts and then I heard these words from him I vvill not haue thee novv hold conuersation vvith men but vvith Angells This gaue me a great amazement for the commotion of the Soule was great and those words were spoken to me in the verie interiour part of the Spirit so that they made me afrayd though yet on the other side they gaue me also great consolation which vpon the verie flight of that feare which had in my opinion caused that strange noueltie did still remaine with me The truth is that this Speech of our Lord hath been very well accomplished and performed for neuer haue I been euen able anie more to establish anie friendship at all nor to feele anie consolation nor entertaine anie particular loue towards anie other person then such as I vnderstand and know to loue Almightie God and to procure to serue him Nor is it now anie longer in my hand or power nor serues it a whitt to the purpose whether any of them be kindred or friends or no for if I vnderstand not that he is the Seruant of Almightie God or a person addicted to Prayer it is no lesse then a heauie crosse for me to conuerse much with anie Creature And this is certainly true to the vttermost of what I can iudge of my self From that day forward I haue remained full of courage and resolution to leaue the whole world for Almightie God in regard he had been pleased in that verie moment for it seemed no more to me then a verie moment to make this Seruant of his become wholy another Creature then what she had been So that now there was no longer need that they should command me in that particular anie more for when my Ghostlie Father had found me to be so fixed vpon this point he had not yet aduentured to will me expresly to doe it For he did without all doubt expect that our Lord should be pleased to
distinct and cleare that not one single syllable of all that which is sayd can be lost And yet these things happen sometimes when the Vnderstanding and indeed the whole Soule is in so great distraction disorder that it would neuer be able to hitt right in the framing of one little peice of good discourse but she findes in this other way certaine great and weightie sentences which are imparted to her so strangely well ordered and dressed that though she were neuer so deeply recollected she were not able to reach them and yet at the verie first word thereof as I was saying they beginne to make a totall mutation of her Soule And especially if she be brought into Rapt when the Powers of the Soule are suspended how shall those things euer come to be vnderstood by her after a naturall way which were neuer exposed before to her Memorie as they come to be then when it workes not in effect at all and when her Imagination is now vpon the matter as it were all turned foole But heer it is to be vnderstood that whensoeuer either Visions are seen or anie of these Supernaturall Words or Speeches be heard it is neuer in my opinion at such times as when the Soule is wholy vnited in the Rapt it self for at those times as I thinke I declared already in my Discourse of the Second Water all the Powers of the Minde are entirely lost and so we cannot at such times as those either see or heare or vnderstand For the Soule is wholy in the power of another at that time which yet vses to last very little and me thinkes our Lord leaues her not in libertie to doe anie thing at all But when that short time is past the Soule remaining still in the Rapt this happens whereof now I speake because the Powers remaine in such sort at that time And though they be not lost yet in effect they operate and act nothing at all but are as if they were absorpt and no way able to discourse by the assembling and composing of reasons But there are so manie wayes to vnderstand the differeÌ„nce which occurrs heer between the true and the false that if the Soule should chance to be deceaued some once she would not be so very often Nay I say further that if the Soule haue had anie experience and be carefull to obserue what passes she will euidently discerne this truth For besides all other meanes whereby that will appeare which I haue sayd these strained words will worke no effect at all neither will the Soule euer admit them as yet she must these other true ones whether she will or no. Nor giues she anie credit to the thing at all but rather findes and knowes that it is but a kind of idle imagination iust so in effect as we would not make account of anie thing which were sayd to vs by a frantick person But this other is as if we heard some person speake who were very holie and learned and of great authoritie and such an one as we are sure would not lye Yea and this is but a meane and base Comparison because indeed these verie Words doe bring with them sometimes so great a Maiestie that euen without so much as reflecting vpon who it is that speakes them if they be words of reprehension they make men tremble and if they concerne the Loue of God they make Soules euen dissolue and as it were annihilate themselues in loue And they are things in fine which as I haue sayd already are very farre then from our remembrance and there vse to be so high and so great sentences so clearly and so suddainly pronounced as that there would haue been need of a very great deale of time for the putting them in order and for my part I thinke it is wholy impossible that then such things as those should be euen conceiued by vs to haue been made or framed by our selues So that there is no cause at all why I should detaine my self heerin anie longer for it would looke like a kind of wonder in mine eye if anie experienced person should be able to be deceiued heerin vnlesse he would euen haue a minde to deceiue himself It hath hapned to me very â—â—â—en not fully to beleiue that which these VVords tell me if I be in anie doubt at all thereof but to conceiue that it was no more then mine owne fancie This I doe when the occasion is past for at the present it is impossible but I haue seen it fulfilled long after because our Lord is pleased that the same should remaine still in the memorie for it is not possible to forget it Now that which is wont to proceed from our owne Vnderstanding is in effect but the first motion of our thoughts which quickly passes away and is forgotten whereas this other is a VVorke rather then a vvord And though some part of it may be forgotten in a long tract of time yet the Memorie cannot loose it so farre as not to know that it was sayd vnlesse the time may haue been very long or els if they be VVords of Fauour or of Doctrine and Instruction but if they be of Prophesye they neuer happen in my opinion to be forgotten at least this neuer hapned to me though yet I haue a very ill memorie And now I returne to say that me thinkes if a Soule be not as it were so base and wicked as euen in effect not to be a Soule and vnlesse it would counterfeit and feigne which were mischief and miserie enough and would say that she vnderstands things when yet really there were no such matter it is impossible but that she should see clearly that it is she her self who composes and frames those Words and speakes them to her self especially if she haue had anie vnderstanding at all of the Spirit of God for if she haue not she may very well remaine in this abuse or errour all the dayes of her life and may perhaps conceiue that she vnderstands those Words as spoken by some other though yet for my part I confesse that I cannot ariue to know how this should be done for either this Soule will vnderstand them or not If she be dismissing her self of that which she vnderstands and would faine vnderstand no part of it for a thousand feares besides manie other reasons which she may haue to continue quiet in her Prayer without such accidents as these how comes she to allow so much time to the Vnderstanding as may serue for the composing of these reasons For in fine there must be time for that But now in this other way we remaine instructed without anie losse of time at all yea and we grow to vnderstand certaine things at an instant when yet otherwise a moneth would haue been time little enough to ordaine them Yea and the Vnderstanding remaines no lesse then amazed at some things which we vnderstand This is the verie truth and whosoeuer
and so make those Wretches tremble For already we know well enough that the Diuel is not able to stirre vnlesse our Lord permit him What then may be the ground of all these disorders It is certainly that I am more afrayd of them who are so frighted by the Diuel then of the Diuel himself for he is vtterly vnable to doe me hurt whereas these others especially if they be Ghostlie Fathers may put Soules to much disquiet and for my part I haue passed some yeares through so great trouble that now I am euen amazed to consider how I haue been able to endure it But Blessed be our Lord who hath assisted me in so good earnest Amen THE SIX AND TWENTIETH CHAPTER She prosecutes the same Discourse and goes relating and declaring such things as hapned to her vvhich made her loose feare and to be strengthned in a beleif that it vvas a good Spirit vvhich spake to her I Esteem the courage which our Lord hath vouchsafed to giue me against all the Diuels of Hell to be one of the great Fauours which it hath pleased his Diuine Maiestie to doe mee since for a Soule to goe cowardly on and to be fearefull indeed of anie thing but only to offend the Maiestie of Almightie God is an extreame inconuenience For since we haue a King who is Omnipotent and so great a Lord that he can doe what he listes and who brings all things into subiection vnder himself there is no feare at all to be had and therefore as I was saying we haue no cause to doubt so that we walke sincerely and with puritie of conscience in the presence of his Diuine Maiestie And in order to this end I shall be glad to haue all the feares in the world to offend him in anie one instant of my whole life who is able in the verie self-same instant to destroy and annihilate vs all As long as his Diuine Maiestie is pleased with vs there is no Creature who can stand against vs without hauing his head broken for his paines You will peraduenture say that this is very true but yet now on the other side where shall we find that Soule which stands so streight as that she may be wholy pleasing to him and because she is not so she is in feare I answer that I am sure that that pure and innocent Soule is none of mine which indeed is very wretched and vnprofitable and surcharged euen with a thousand miseries But yet still we haue this comfort that Almightie God doth not proceed with such rigours as men doe for he knowes and considers our frailties and the Soule hath wayes of vnderstanding and finding in it self by great coniectures whether really she loue his Diuine Maiestie or no for in such as ariue once to this state our loue to him is not now a kind of dissembled or disguised loue as it vses sometimes to be in the beginnings but it is accompanied with so great impulses and euen impetuosities of desire to see Almightie God as I shall afterward declare or rather as I haue declared already and all things are wont to afflict all things to wearie tyre and all things doe euen torment her vnlesse it be only God or for God There is not so much as anie repose which doth not displease her because she findes her self absent from her true repose and so it falls-out to be very euident that things passe not heer in a dissembling way It hath hapned to me in former times that I found my self in great tribulations and I was subiect to manie detractions by occasion of a certaine busines whereof I may haue cause to speake afterward from all that House where I liue yea and from my Order and I was afflicted vpon manie accidents which occurred then at which time it pleased our Lord to vtter these expresse words to me Of vvhat art thou afrayd Dost thou not knovv that I am Omnipotent I vvill accomplish all that vvhich I haue promised thee And indeed he accomplished it afterwards very well But euen instantly there remained such a kind of strength in me that me thought I could presently haue put my self to aduenture vpon other things though they should cost me much more trouble for the doing him seruice and could haue suffered also much more for him And this verie self same thing hath hapned to me so often that I am not able to count the times and he hath made me and makes me still such reprehensions by occasion of those imperfections which I commit sometimes that they are able euen as it were to annihilate the Soule At least they bring so much in their company as that she is mended by them for his Diuine Maiestie as I haue sayd doth not only giue vs the counsaile but the remedie At other times he brings back to me the memorie of the Sinnes of my former life and this he most ordinarily vses to doe whensoeuer he intends to vouchsafe me anie extraordinarie Fauour And he doth it in such sort that the Soule discernes her self as if she were really planted at the verie Day of the Last Vniuersall Iudgement and the truth is represented to her with such a kind of perspicuitie and claritie that she knowes not what to doe with her self At other times he is pleased to informe me of certaine dangers concerning both my self and others about things which doe not happen till three or fowre yeares after but they all were euer fulfilled and some of them might also be named if there were cause So that there are so manie particulars whereby it may be vnderstood that these things are of Almightie God as that in my opinion they cannot but be knowne and acknowledged The most secure proceeding consists in that such a person doe not faile to impart her whole Soule to her Ghostlie Father and that he be a learned man and that she doe entirely obey him At least this is the course which I take and without this I could haue no rest nor were it indeed fitt that we woemen should haue anie since we haue no learning and there can be no hurt at all in this but manie aduantages and benefits as our Lord himself hath told me manie times I say manie times I had once a Ghostlie Father who mortifyed me very much and sometimes he did euen afflict me and brought me a great deale of trouble and disquieted me in extraordinarie manner and yet it was he who in my opinion did me the most good of them all And though I loued him very much yet I had some temptations to leaue him for it seemed to me that I was much preiudiced by those inconueniences which he was wont to giue me concerning my Prayer But yet euer when I was determining to doe this I instantly vnderstood that I was to forbeare it and I receiued such a reprehension from our Lord as defeated and as it were annihilated me more then all that which my Ghostlie Father could
this end some little poore good workes which I did if I did anie I became deuoted to some Saints to the end that by their meanes I might be deliuered from the Diuel I performed the Deuotions of Nine Dayes I recōmended my self to S Hilarion and to S. Michael also the Archangell for I had lately applyed my self to him for this purpose and I importuned also mame other Saints that our Lord might be pleased by their intercession to conduct me in the way of Truth I say that they would find some meanes to perfect this busines of mine with his Diuine Maiestie In fine after the end of two yeares which both I and other persons had wholy employed with all their prayers and mine in order to this end that our Lord might be pleased either to conduct my Soule by some other way or els vouchsafe to declare that this way wherein I went was right for now those VVords and Speeches which I haue related that our Lord would be vttering to me sometimes were growne very ordinarie euen continuall that chanced and occurred to me which I will now declare As I was in Prayer one day and it was vpon the Festiuitie of the Glorious S. Peter I saw standing very neer me or rather to say better mee thought I felt for indeed I saw nothing at all with the eyes either of my Bodie or of my Minde that Christ our Lord was close by me and I found in fine that it was he in my opinion who was speaking to me But now I who was extreamly ignorant till then that there might be anie such thing in the world as such a Vision fell at the first into a mightie feare and I could doe nothing but weepe though yet through his giuing me assurance by his speaking but one onlie word I found my self as I had formerly been not only without feare and very quiet but euen with Regalo and delight Me thought that Christ Iesus our Lord went euer close to me on one side but the Vision not being Imaginarie or represented in any Forme I perceiued not in what shape he was But as for his being euer on my right side I found and felt that very clearly and that he was the witnes of whatsoeuer I did and that I could not be recollected though it were neuer so little or rather indeed vnlesse I were much diuerted or distracted but I must needs in fine vnderstand that he was very neer me I then went immediatly to my Ghostlie Father being sufficiently vexed and greiued that I must let him know it He asked me what Forme or Figure he had when I saw him and I told him that I had not seen him Vpon this he enquired then how I knew that it was Christ our Lord. To this I answered that I knew no more but that I could not possibly faile or forbeare to vnderstand and know that he was close to me and that I found and felt it plainly and that now the recollection of my Soule in Prayer of Quiet was farre greater and more continuall that the effects were very different from those others which I had formerly found and that the thing was very certaine and cleare For my part I could doe no more but bring diuerse Comparisons whereby to giue my self to be vnderstood but yet certainly in my opinion there is none which can suite very well to expresse this kind of Vision For as this is one of the highest kind as I was told afterwards by a certaine holie man and of great Spirit called Fray Pedro de Alcantara whome I shall mention afterward more at large and the same hath been also told me by other great learned men and that this is one of those Fauours where the Diuel can least intermeddle or intrude himself of all others so haue we heer no words or tearmes at all wherewith to declare it at least we who know so little though such as are learned will peraduēture be able to doe it better For when I say that I neither saw this with the eyes of the Bodie nor of the Minde because it was no Imaginarie Vision how come I to vnderstand and how can I vndertake and affirme more clearly certainly that Christ our Lord was standing neer me then if I had seen him with my verie eyes For it seemes indeed to be as if a person were in the darke who sees not another that stands by him or as if the same person were blind Some resemblance I say this carries though yet not very much For in this last case a man may come to know it by the way of seuerall Senses because he may heare the other speake or stirre or he may touch him But heer there is nothing of all this nor is there heer anie darknes at all but only the thing is represented to the Soule by a certaine notice which is more cleare then the Sunne I say not that anie Sunne is seen nor anie clearnes or brightnes at all but only a certaine light which illuminates and informes the Vnderstanding though yet without seing anie light to the end that the Soule may enioy so high a good Now this brings great benefits with it Yet is it not like such a Presence of God as manie times is felt in the Minde and especially by such persons as be ariued to Vnion and Quiet Prayer who in resoluing to beginne to make that Prayer seem to find the person readie at hand to whome to speake and we seem to vnderstand that he heares vs by the effects and spirituall feelings which we find of great Loue and Faith and other firme purposes and resolutions accompanied with much tendernes of Denotions This is a great Fauour of Almightie God and let him esteem it much who hath it for it is a very eleuated and high Prayer but yet it is no Vision but heer it is vnderstood that Almightie God is there by the effects which as I haue sayd he workes in the Soule for in this manner of Prayer doth his Diuine Maiestie vouchsafe to giue hemself then and there to be felt But now heer it is clearly found that Christ Iesus the Sonne of the Virgin is present In that other manner of Prayer there are certaine influences of the Diuinitie represented but heer togeather with them we find that the most Sacred Humanitie also of Christ our Lord doth accompanie vs to doe vs fauour My Ghostlie Father then asked me this question VVho told you that it vvas Iesus Christ Himself told me so answered I and that manie times but yet euen before he told me so it was im printed vpon my Vnderstanding that it was he yea and euen before this he told me so and yet still I saw him not If anie man whome I had neuer seen but only had heard newes of him should come to speake with me I being either blind or in the darke and should tell me who he were I should beleiue him and yet I could not so
resolutly affirme him to be that person as if I had seen him But yet now in this other case I could for heer there is imprinted so cleare a notice of him in the Minde without seeing him that it seemes a kind of impossibilitie to doubt it for our Lord will haue it so engrauen vpon the Vnderstanding that it can no more be questioned then euen that which we see no nor yet so much for in things which we see there remaines sometimes a suspicion whether we might not haue fancied such a thing and so mistaken it But heer though vpon the suddaine and as it were by way of surprise one may beginne to fall vpon a kind of suspicion or doubt yet still vpon the whole matter we remaine in so great a certaintie as that the doubt continues not to haue place And so also doth it fall out though yet in a different manner that God instructs the Soule speakes to it but yet without speaking at all in such sort as I haue already declared This is a certaine kind of language which hath so much of the Celestiall in it that it cannot well be giuen to be vnderstood by vs heer how much soeuer we may desire it vnlesse our Lord himself be pleased to teach it by experience For our Blessed Lord conueyes and places that in the most interiour part of the Soule which he is pleased that the same Soule shall vnderstand and know and there doth he represent it without either anie image of his person or anie forme of words but only after the way of that kind of Vision which I haue already touched And now let this manner of Almightie God's making the Soule vnderstād what he will in the way of great Truths and mysteries be much obserued For manie times that which I vnderstand when our Lord declares anie Vision which his Diuine Maiestie is pleased to represent to me is after this manner and me thinkes it is in such occasions as where the Diuel is least able to intermeddle or intrude himself for these reasons and if they be not found I am likelie enough to be deceiued Now this kind of Vision and language is so inwardly a thing of Spirit that heer there is no kind of springing or euen stirring in anie of the Powers of the Minde nor yet in anie of the Senses of the Bodie in my opinion by which meanes the Diuel may be able to make himself the gainer Thus I say it happens sometimes as namely when it lasts but a very little while For at some other times me thinkes that neither the Powers of the Minde are suspended nor yet the Senses of the Bodie disabled but that they are all at home and in vse The other happens not alwayes in this degree of Contemplation but rather very seldome I say that when they are so lost we neither operate anie thing nor doe anie thing but all seemes to be the worke of our Lord. It is as when a food is already conueyd into the stomack without either our hauing eaten it or so much as knowing who layd it there but only we vnderstand well that there it is though in that case it be neither knowne what the food is nor who carried it thither But heer it is very differet for here the food is knowne though yet how it got thither I cannot tell for neither did I see it nor vnderstand it nor was I euer moued to desire it nor had it euer come to my knowledge before that such a thing could possibly be In the Speech vpon which I touched before Almightie God makes the Vnderstanding obserue and reflect vpon that which is sayd whether it desire to vnderstand or no. For there it seemes that the Soule hath some other kind of eates wherewith to heare that he makes her harken and not the while to thinke of somewhat els as if one who could heare well were not suffered to stopp his eares and that they cryed out alowd to him who would therefore be faine to heare them whether he would or no but somewhat in fine he doth since he is attentiue to vnderstand what they say But heer the Soule doth inst nothing for euen that little which was done in the former way and which was only to harken is taken from her now for now she findes all dressed to her hand yea and all eaten by her too So that now there is nothing to be done by her but to enioy Iust so as anie one who without euer hauing learnt or so much as endeauoured to read and much more without anie studying at all should find that whole Science already possessed by himself and that without knowing at all either how or whence it came since he had neuer procured to acquire it with so much as learning his A. B. C. And this last Comparison me thinkes declares some part of this Celestiall guift for the Soule findes her self heer to be growne wise vpon a suddaine and that the Mysterie of the most Holie Trinitie and other most sublime Articles are so exactly declared to her that there is not anie Theologue or Diuine in the world with whome she might not aduenture to dispute concerning the truth of those high points The Soule remaines heer in such an amazement that some one such Fauour as this suffices to worke a totall change in her and to make her loue nothing but only him who without anie labour at all of hers hath made her capable of so vnspeakable blessings and to whome he communicates his secrets and whome he treats with arguments of so great and deare friendship and loue that they endure not so much as to be written For he doth some such kinds of Fauour as might euen bespeake a kind of suspicion and doubt in the hearer in regard that they are of so great admiration and haue been imparted to a person who hath deserued them so very ill And in fine if we bring not a very Liuelie and euen lusty Faith with vs they cannot be beleiued and therefore I resolue to speake of few of those which our Lord hath been pleased to vouchsafe me vnlesse I be expresly commanded and vnlesse it be of some few Visions which perhaps may ferue to doe good in some kind To the end that anie such persons as to whome our Lord may be pleased to impart the like may not wonder and thinke it impossible as I did or els that so I may declare the manner and way by which it hath pleased our Lord to conduct my Soule that being the verie thing which they haue commanded me to write Returning therefore now to this manner of vnderstanding these kinds of things me thinkes our Lord is pleased that by all meanes this Soule of ours should haue some notice heer euen of that which passes in Heauen and that as Soules doe there vnderstand one another really without speaking which for my part I neuer knew before and this is most certainly true till our
Vision which the Soule hath seen but so also doth she her best to resist the vexations which he giues her though then she be so disquieted and disordered euen by this verie diligence that she looses that deuotion and gust which she had before and remaines also without anie Prayer at all This hapned to me three or foure times in the beginning as I was saying But this of the false Vision is so very different a kind of thing from the other that whosoeuer hath ariued to the onlie Prayer of Quiet will I beleiue vnderstand this busines by the verie effects which haue been spoken of in that Discourse which concernes those VVords or Speeches which sometimes are imparted to and imprinted in the Soule And I hold this assertion to be a most certaine thing and vnlesse a Soule should haue euen a kind of minde to be abused and deceiued I beleiue the Diuel will not be able to doe it if she walke with humilitie and simplicitie that is with sinceritie of minde Whosoeuer I say hath receiued anie true Vision from Almightie God will instantly perceiue and iudge of another which is contrarie and false for though anie such false one may beginne to giue a kind of Regalo and gust yet the Soule will shake that off and besides in my opinion the gust will be euen different in it self and not carrying so much as an apparance of a Loue which is pure and chast it growes to be soone discouered from whence it comes So that wheresoeuer there is anie experience the Diuel will not be able to doe anie Soule hurt in this kind But now that all this kind of Vision should be be but a meer Imagination or conceipt is clearly and entirely an impossible thing and hath no colour at all For the high beautie and fairenes of one onlie hand doth absolutly outstripp all Imagination And besides without our euer haueing thought of anie such obiect or reflecting vpon anie one of this kind to see such things present and all at an instant which could neuer haue been so fitted and adiusted by the Imagination of man in regard that it is so mightily of a superiour kind as I haue sayd from that which we are able to comprehend in this world it must also be impossible for the aforesayd reason And yet though we could doe somewhat of this kind not withstanding all that which is sayd it would yet not be possibly done vpon this other reason which I will now declare For if we should represent anie such thing in the strength of our owne Vnderstanding besides that it would not haue anie such great operation as this true Vision hath nor indeed would it in effect haue anie at all it would be at the most but as one who would very faine grow to sleep whereas yet he should indeed be awake because he cannot yet fall asleep But if he desire to sleep and haue need of it and withall haue anie infirmitie or weaknes in his head which forbidds it he yet procures of himselfe to get into a slumber and vses all his diligences in order to that end and sometimes he euen half thinkes that he doth somewhat But still if in verie deed it be not true and reall sleep it will not sustaine him nor giue strength to his Head Nay rather it will sometimes fall out to be so much the more idle And iust so is it also partly in this case for then will the Soule grow emptie and idle and not be sustained and strong but rather disordered and disgusted whereas in the other former case of ours it is past anie power of mine to declare what treasures are acquired when not only the Soule is enriched but euen the Bodie also it self gets temper and health Now this reason with others did I alleadge when they told me sometimes that those things were of the Diuel and at other times that I did but fancie them to my self And this hapned often to me and I would also be bringing certaine Comparisons the best I could and our Lord made me light vpon them but yet all serued me still to little purpose for there being very holie persons in that place and I being euen miserie it self in comparison of them and our Lord not guiding them by this way they would instantly be growing into feare that my sinnes in all apparance were the meanes to produce those effects and so it went vp and downe from one to another in such sort as that they came to be acquainted with these secrets of mine though for my part I discouered them to no Creature but only to my Ghostlie Father or to such as he directed me to impart them But I remember I sayd to them once that if they who told me these things had related to me that some person with whome I had been much acquainted and with whome I had spoken but very then had not yet been that person indeed but that I had only fancyed it to my self and that they knew it for certaine I should without all doubt haue much more easily beleiued them then euen the verie thing which I saw But yet now on the other side if that person had left certaine Iewells with me and that they remained still in my hands as pawnes of the great loue he bore me and that formerly I had been the owner of no such Iewells whereas now I saw I was rich who before had been so poore I should then not be able to beleiue them euen though I desired it especially when I could shew these Iewells of mine to others For euerie bodie knew me well enough and they saw clearly that my Soule was growne to be another kind of thing then before and so I told mine owne Ghostlie Father For the difference was come to be great in manie kinds and not in anie doubtfull or disguiseable manner but so as that all Creatures might discerne it clearly And I remember also that I was wont to say that I could not tell how to beleiue that the Diuel would doe this to deceiue me and how since he would be glad to carrie me away with him to Hell he could serue himself of this meanes which was so very contrarie to his owne end Namely to roote-out Vice and to plant Vertue and strength of Spirit in place thereof for I found and that very clearly that I grew once at an instant to be wholy another Creature then I was before My Ghostlie Father as I was saying was a Father of the Societie of IESVS and a very holie man and he also made the same answer to others as I came to vnderstand afterward He was a person of much discretion and of great humilitie but yet that humilitie of his grew to cost me a great deale of trouble For though he were a man of much learning and besides of great Prayer yet put he no trust at all in himself and our Lord not guiding his Soule by this way he
was subiect to much trouble with me in seueral kinds And afterward I came to know that they wished him to take heed of me and to be carefull least the Diuel should deceiue him by making him beleiue anie part of that which I should tell him and to this purpose they would be alleadging the examples of some others to him All this gaue me vexation enough and by degrees I came so farre as to feare that I should grow scarce able to find anie bodie who would heare my Confessions but that euerie one would be flying from me in this kind So that for my part I did nothing but weepe and it was the prouidence of Almightie God that this Father would yet still continue to heare me But indeed he was so great a Seruant of our Lord that there was nothing which he would or suffer or his sake and so he would still be aduising me to be sure not to offend Almightie God nor to swarue from the directions which he gaue me and that I should not feare that he would faile me and still he would also be animating and quieting me and euer he would in particular command me that I should conceale nothing from him which I alwayes obserued and I doing thus he would alwaies tell me that the Diuel would be able to doe me no hurt but rather that our Blessed Lord would not faile to draw good out of that ill which the Diuel would be attempting to doe my Soule This Soule of mine did I procure to perfect to the vttermost of my power and as for my Ghostlie Father I did through the feare of Illusions wherein I was obey him in all things though yet but after an imperfect manner But he had trouble enough with me when I confessed my self to him in these difficult times which lasted aboue the space of three whole yeares for in the great persecutions which I had and in manie things wherein our Lord permitted that the world should make ill iudgements of me and manie of them without anie fault of mine I would euer be coming with them to him and he was blamed in respect of me whereas yet he was in no fault at all I thinke it would haue been wholy impossible that he should haue endured it so long if he had not been a man of much sanctitie but our Lord did animate him greatly and enable him to endure so very much For he was still to make answer to all them who held me to be a lost Soule but they beleiued him not and on the other side he was also to take care to quiet me and to recouer me out of that feare wherein I was by frighting me with a greater and besides he was also to endeauour to satisfye me in another respect in regard that vpon euerie Vision which was new to me our Lord was pleased to permit that afterward I should be subiect to very great feares Now as all this proceeded both from my being and haueing been a very great Sinner so yet would he comfort me still with much pietye and compassion But yet still if he had confided as much in himself as he might well haue done I had not suffered so much For our Lord gaue him to vnderstand the truth in all things and I am perswaded that the verie Sacrament of Pennance which I frequented with him gaue him light Those other Seruants of Almightie God who could not make themselues sure of my well-doing were wont to be very conuersant with me And when I would casually be speaking now and then of some things they would be vnderstanding them after a different manner Now there was one of these whome I particularly loued for my Soule was infinitly obliged to him and he was a very holie man For my part I was extreamly troubled to see that I could not make my self be vnderstood rightly by him whilst he also on the other side did extraordinarily desire my good and that our Lord might once vouchsafe to giue me light And so when I would be relating some things to them without much reflection vpon what I sayd it would seem to them to be a signe of little humilitie in me and as soone as afterward they discerned me to commit anie one single fault whereas they might very easily haue discerned manie all grew instantly to be condemned by them Sometimes they would be asking me certaine questions and I would answer them with plainenes and without much reseruation yea or euen reflection and then forsooth they would be thinking that I had a minde to teach them and that I held my self for some shrewd woeman and vpon this would they all goe instantly to my Ghostlie Father for certainly they desired my good but yet then would he grow to chide me And this lasted a long time I being afflicted manie wayes on the one side and yet being on the other so visited by the Fauours of out Blessed Lord as I found my selfe to be I was indeed very well able to endure that other miserye And now I relate all this to the end that it may the better be vnderstood how very great a trouble it is not to haue some such person at hand as hath experience in the way of Spirit So that really if our Blessed Lord had not fauoured me in such sort as he did I know not what would haue become of me at length since there were occasions enow to haue put me euen out of my witts and sometimes I saw my self in such tearmes that I knew not what to doe but only to lift-vp mine eyes to our Lord. For as the contradiction and opposition of such as were good and worthie men towards a poore weake and wicked woeman like my self and so timorous as I also was may perhaps seem to be scarce worth the relating so yet I hauing passed through very manie and great troubles in this life of mine I haue found this last to haue been of the greatest I humbly beseech our Blessed Lord that I may haue been able to doe his Diuine Maiestie some little Seruice euen in this for that they who accused and condemned me did him Seruice in it I am very sure and that it all hath turned to my good THE NINE AND TWENTIETH CHAPTER She prosecutes the Discourse vvhich she had begunne and relates some high Fauours vvhich our Lord vvas pleased to doe her and vvhat his Diuine Maiestie did further for the securing and encouraging her minde and for the enabling her to ansvver her Contradictours I Haue swarued very much from my purpose for I pretended to declare the reassons whereby to proue that the thing whereof I spoke was not matter of Imagination for how should we be able by meanes of anie endeauour or studie of ours to represent the Humanitie of Christ our Lord to our selues and to goe ordering and disposing of his great beautie for which there would be need of a large time if we would pretend to frame anie thing which
to abuse and cosen so manie good men and I seemed to be so very wicked that me thought all the mischeifs and Heresies which had been raised and brought lately into the world were but the fruits of my Sinnes But this is a false kind of humilitie which the Diuel inuented of purpose for my disquiet to try if he could bring my Soule to despaire And I know so well by experience that this is a trick of the Diuel that now when he findes that I vnderstand him he torments me not so often heerin as he was wont The certaintie of this truth is clearly found by the restlesnes and disquiet wherewith he beginnes and by the bussling which he keepes in the Soule all the while it lasts and by the obscuritie and affliction which he brings to it and by the drynes and indisposition to Prayer which he leaues after it and in fine because it produces no good effect at all for he seemes euen to stifle the Soule and to bind euen the Bodie also vp that so it may be good for nothing whereas by true Humilitie though the Soule know it self to be wicked and is in paine to consider what we are and makes vs hold our Sinnes to be as great and as greatly to be exaggerated as hath been sayd and that they are felt indeed to be such yet comes not this kind of sense with anie tumultuous disorder nor doth it disturbe and vex the Soule nor obscure her nor giue drynes to her but rather it regales her and behaues it self in a very contrarie way with gentlenes with suauitie and with Light She is troubled in some sort on the one side euen for that she is comforted to see how great Fauour our Lord imparts to her in letting her feele that paine and to consider how well employed it is and the sorrowes for whatsoeuer she hath done against Almightie God But yet on the other side she exalts and admires his mercie she hath light wherewith to put her self to confusion and to praise his Diuine Maiestie for vouchsafing to endure her so long But in that other kind of Humilitie which the Diuel brings there is no light for anie thing which is good but it seemes as if God were readie to put all the world to fire and sword The Diuel represents the Diuine Iustice to the Soule and though he permit her to beleiue that God hath mercie for the Diuel hath no such power as to destroy her Faith yet hath she euen that in such sort that it is no comfort to her at all but rather when she beholds God's great mercie he makes it serue her for so much the greater torment because she seems to haue been obliged thereby to haue serued Almightie God so much the more This is an inuention of the Diuel and that of the most painefull and subtile and disguised that I haue euer found and therefore I would wish your Reuerence if perhaps he may procure to tempt you heerafter in this kind to looke vpon it with a Light in your hand and to procure to know him well if he leaue you vnderstanding enough for doing it And beleiue not heer that Knowledge and Learning will serue the turne for though I be in want enough of all that yet now when I am gotten out of his reach I am growne to vnderstand very well that all his discourse is but foolerie And that which I vnderstand also is that sometimes our Blessed Lord is pleased to giue way and permit it and he allowes him leaue to doe this as he did that he might try and tempt Iob though because I am so wicked he permits not that it be done to me with so much rigour It hapned to me once and I remember very well that it was vpon the day before Corpus-Christi Eue a Festiuitie to which I am deuoted though yet not so much as were fitt and at that time it lasted with me but one day but at other times for a weeke and a Forthnight yea and sometimes three weekes and peraduenture more and especially in the Holie Weekes which were wont to be my Regalo in point of Prayer that me thought he catched-vp and euen carried-away my Vnderstanding at an instant for certaine things sometimes so very triuiall and light that at other times I would but haue laughed at him for his paines and then he makes her stoope to whatsoeuer he lists and the Soule remaines as it were nayled to the place without being Mistresse of her self or being able to thinke of anie thing but those impertinent fooleries which the rempration represents and indeed they haue no substance at all nor doe they either bind or loose but serue only to choake the Soule in such sort as not to suffer her to subsist in her self And really it is true that it hath hapned to me sometimes to conceaue that the Diuells goe playing with a Soule as men would doe with a Ball and she the while is without anie meanes at all to deliuer her self out of their power Nor can it be expressed in what a deale of sufferance she is by this meanes She walkes in search of some defence and Almightie God permits that she may find none She only and euer remaines with the Facultie and Power of her Free-Will though yet not faire and cleare but as if a man had eyes which were shut or as if some person who had gone very often by anie way and so though it were night and darke yet by the markes which he had formerly taken knowes where he may be in danger to stumble because formerly he had seen the same pathes by day and so he secures himself from that danger In like manner doth it occurr to the Soule which now seemes but meerly by custome not to offend Almightie God for I speake not heer of that protection which our Lord affords her though yet that be the thing which imports most But in the meane time our Faith is deaded or at least layd asleep as the other vertues also are in such times as those though yet they be not vtterly lost for she well beleiues euen then that Doctrine which the Church teaches and she pronounces it also with her mouth whereas yet on the other side the Diuel doth so presse and dull this Faith that she seemes to haue but such a kind of knowledge of God as men haue a notice of things which are spoken of in their hearing but yet from very farre off Her Loue also is so very Luke-warme that if she chance to heare Almightie God spoken of she harkens in such a kind as to beleiue indeed that he is that which he is because the Church declares it but yet she hath vtterly lost all memorie of whatsoeuer she hath experimented of him in her self For her to goe and pray and remaine in Solitude is but to encrease her affliction for the torment which she feeles in her self and yet without knowing very well why is
an vnsupportable thing in my opinion and indeed it is a kind of picture in little or rather a patterne of Hell And this is most certainly so as our Lord himself was pleased to giue me to vnderstand once in a certaine Vision For heer the Soule doth euen burne her self vp of her self without her knowing either by whome or by what way she is set on fire or yet how to escape from thence or finally how to quench it for as for seeking to help her self by reading she will be able to profit by it no more then if she could not read at all It hapned to me one day to reade the Life of a Saint so to see if I could swallow the iuyce and substance thereof and thus to comfort my self with the consideration of what he had suffered and so I read half a dozen lines of it foure or fiue times ouer and yet though all were written in mine owne Mother-Toung I vnderstood them lesse in the end then I did in the beginning and so I gaue it ouer This hapned to me manie times but I more particularly remember this one To apply ones-self to conuersation in such times as these is yet worse for the Diuel fills vs then with such an vntoward and harsh kind of spirit of anger that it seemes to me that I could euen eate folkes vp since I can doe nothing els yea and me thinkes I acquitt my self well in that I forbeare to doe it and that God also shewes him who is in this case a particular Fauour in preseruing him from doing or saying somewhat against his Neighbour whereby he might preiudice him and offend Almightie God And now as for going to my Ghostlie Father at such times it is certaine which I shall heer relate and it hath hapned to me very often That notwithstanding they were some great Saints with whome I haue dealt and yet deale they vttered such harsh words and chidd me after so sharpe a manner that when afterward I would take occasion to repeate them in their owne hearing themselues would be euen amazed at themselues and they told me it was no longer in their power to doe otherwise For though they fully resolued within themselues not to doe it and at other times that they had not only compassion of me but euen a kind of scruple also in themselues to treat me thus when I was so full of affliction both in Bodie and Minde and though they had euen resolued to comfort me with much compassion and pittie yet in fine they were not able to doe it Not yet that they gaue me ill language in such sort as to offend Almightie God by it but they would vse words as full of disgust as could possibly be heard from Ghostlie Fathers But belike they intended to mortifye me which though at other times I could passe ouer or at least endure yet then it grew all to be a torment But yet sometimes I came also to be of opinion that euen I had deceaued them yea and my self would goe to them and aduise them in very great good earnest that they should take heed of me least I deceaued them Not but that I knew well enough that I would not doe it on set purpose and vpon designe nor tell them by anie meanes anie lye but the truth is I was affrayd of all things There was one who hearing of this temptation of mine aduised me not to be troubled at it for though I should haue a minde to cosen him yet he had witt enough to defend himself from me That which sometimes gaue me great comfort and as it were constantly or at least most ordinarily was that I vsed to haue some kind of respit after I had Communicated yea and sometimes euen in approaching to the Blessed Sacrament at the verie instant I should grow so very perfectly well both in Bodie and Soule that it did euen amaze me For it seemed to be no other thing then that all the darknesses of my Soule were dispersed and discharged at an instant and that vpon the approach of the Sunne I quickly came to discerne those fooleries wherein I had found my self all that while At other times by the hearing of some one word which our Lord was pleased to say to me and with only expressing himself thus Be not afflicted and be not afrayd as formerly I haue related I remained most perfectly well and sometimes by seeing some Vision I became as if I had neuer felt anie inconuenience And in those cases I would be entertaining and regaling my self with Almightie God and would euen kindly complaine to him against himself for permitting me to suffer so great torments though yet I must confesse that he had first meant to make me very good amends because these difficulties did neuer vse to ariue but after a great abundance of Fauours And me thinkes he ordaines things so to the end that the Soule may appeare like gold which comes refined and pure out of the Crusible and that so she may see our Lord in her self and then doe those troubles which ariue grow to be accounted little though they seem insupportable at the time And we desire that we may returne againe to suffer if our Lord may be serued the better by it yea and to admit also of more tribulations and persecutions Prouided alwayes that they may happen without offence of our Lord. Nay we rather will reioyce in suffering for him for all will in the end bring more profit though yet for my part I could neuer beare them as I ought but rather with abundance of imperfection At other times these troubles would come vpon me in other kindes and so as that me thinkes it is absolutly a kind of impossible thing for me to thinke then of anie thing which is good yea or so much as to desire to doe anie such thing for that I haue both a Bodie and a Soule which is absolutly vntoward and good for nothing But at those times I am not subiect to those other temptations and disquiets but only to a disgust in all things though I know not why so that nothing can giue contentment to my Soule And then I would be sometimes procuring to diuert and employ my self vpon the performing of some good workes in the exteriour way and I would doe so euen half whether my self would or no. But in fine I am come at length to know by such meanes as these how very little anie Soule is worth whensoeuer the grace of Almightie God is hidden from her And this kind of consideration vsed not to put me to anie trouble at all for the beholding mine owne basenes after this manner was wont to giue me a kind of satisfaction At other times I find my self so as that I am vtterly vnable to frame anie distinct or formed conceipt of Almightie God nor indeed of anie good thing after a stayd manner Nor am I able then to put my self in Prayer though I
and certainly I would haue suffered manie yeares for the aduantage and deliuerance of a Soule Let our Lord be praised for all for the prayers of such as serue him well can doe much as I beleiue my Sisters doe of this House but yet because I had been earnest in procuring those prayers the Diuels would be more enraged against me then against others and our Lord also permitted that for my Sinnes About this time also I once thought that the Diuells would euen haue strangled me it was by night But as soone as I had caused Holie-water to be cast vpon me I saw a multitude of them runne away as if they had been about to breake their necks from some high rock And it is so frequent and familiar with me to be tormented by these cursed wretches and the feare which now I haue of them is growne to be so very little by seeing that they are not so much as able to stirre vnlesse our Blessed Lord giue them leaue that although it might be of comfort to my self yet I should not faile to wearie your Reuerence if I related them But euen that which is sayd already may serue to shew that anie true Seruants of Almightie God may need to trouble themselues litle at these idle frights and Bugg-beares which the Diuels are wont to expose that so they may make vs feare them and in fine let the world be sure that euerie time when we make them see that we despise them they will remaine with so much the lesse strength after it and the Soule as being a greater Princesse then she was before will remaine with so much more power and profit as I will not stand heer to relate for feare of too much length But now I will only declare what hapned to me once vpon an All-Soules Day at night for being at that time in the Oratorie and hauing recited Matins as also those so very deuout Prayers which are at the end thereof according to the Breuiarie the Diuel put himself vpon the Booke to the end that I might not finish the Prayer but I blessed my self with making the Signe of the Holie Crosse and so he went presently away but I beginning againe he also returned and I thinke it was no lesse that the like hapned then three times and till I cast Holie-Water at him I could not make an end of the busines But then I plainly saw that some Soules went out of Purgatorie at the instant who belike wanted very little of their deliuerance and perhaps the Diuel meant to diuert it It is seldome that I haue seen the Diuel in anie exact and particular Forme or Figure but manie times without Forme as I did the Vision for a Bodie sees very clearly that he is there as I haue declared already and I will now relate this also because it amazes me very much Being one day in a certaine Monasterie and in the Quire and vpon the Festiuitie of the Blessed Trinitie I chanced to be in Rapt and I saw a great contention and strife between Angells and Diuells yet not knowing what that Vision might meane But about some fifteen dayes before it was heard that a certaine great disagreement had hapned between some persons who were of Prayer and manie others also who were not so there came a great deale of harme to the place where this occurred for the strife continued long and it bred a very great deale of disquiet Another time I saw a multitude of them all round about me but then it seemed to me that I was enuironed with a great kind of Light which permitted them not to approach And I vnderstood thereby that our Lord kept them off from coming neer me in anie such sort as to make me offend his Diuine Maiestie and by that which I had found sometimes in my self I conceaued that it was a true Vision The matter is that I now vnderstand so very well how little power they haue whensoeuer I goe not against God that in effect I doe not feare them at all for their strength is directly nothing vnlesse they find the Soules they set vpon to be cowardlie and yeilding to them but then indeed they shew their power In some of those former Temptations me thought they employed themselues now and then vpon awaking and reuiuing in me the memorie of all the frailties and vanities of my former time in such sort as that I had good cause to recommend my self much to Almightie God but this put me to very much paine by making it seem to me that now it was all of the Diuel since those thoughts of mine returned till such time as my Ghostlie Father put me in quiet For really it seemed to me that euen the first motions of ill thoughts were not so much as to approach anie such person as had receiued so great Fauours of our B. Lord. At other times it tormented me much yea and euen it torments me still to see that men should hold me in so high account and especially that it should be done by eminent persons and that they shoud speake so much good of me And in this I haue suffered and still suffer much but I quickly cast my thoughts vpon the Life of Christ our Lord and his Saints and me thinkes I walke in a way which is very contrarie to that of theirs for they aspired to nothing but to be subiect to iniuries and contempt And this makes me walke with such feare as that I euen sarce dare hold vp my head and would be glad to get my selfe out of sight which yet I neuer desire when I find my self subiect to persecutions for then my Soule carries her self like a great Ladie whatsoeuer the Bodie may feele I know not how these things can stand but yet they passe in such sort that the Soule seemes then to be as in her Kingdome and that she treads and tramples all things vnder her feet This occurred to me seuerall times and the same continued long and I thought it was vertue and humilitie but now I see plainly enough that it was a temptation and a Dominican Father a learned man declared it to me very well When I conceaued that these Fauours which our B. Lord was pleased to doe me would grow to be publiquely knowne it was of so excessiue a torment to me that it extreamly disquieted my Soule and it came at length to that passe that whilst I was considering the same I could more willingly haue been contented to be buried quick then that anie such thing should ariue And so when I came to haue those so great Recollections and Rapts as that it was not possible for me to resist them in publique Iremained so confounded with shame afterward that I would haue been glad not to appeare where anie Creature who knew me might see me And being once extreamly afflicted vpon this account I was asked by our Blessed Lord what it was whereof I was so much afrayd For
vvhich vvas but a kind of shaddovv of such things as are suffered in that place She beginnes also to declare the vvay and manner hovv that Monasterie vvas founded in Auila vnder the name of S. Ioseph AFter a long time when our Blessed Lord had already done me manie of those Fauours which I haue heer related as others also which were very great I found one day whilst I was in Prayer though I could not tell how that I was placed in Hell And I vnderstood that our Lord was pleased that I should see the place which the Diuels had prepared for me and which I had deserued for my Sinnes This lasted but a very little space of time but yet if I should liue manie yeares I hold it for an impossible thing that euer I should be able to forget it The entrie thereof seemed to me to be after the manner of a long and straite Lane or rather as if it had been a low narrow long and darke Ouen The ground seemed to be as if it had been like water all thickned with durt and it was both very filthie and of a most pestilentiall smell and had a multitude of loathsome vermine as flyes and wormes and such other vglie creatures in it At the end of it there was a certaine hollow place as if it had been a kind of a little Presse in a wall into which I saw my self crowded with great constraint Now all that was euen delightfull to the sight in comparison of what I felt there and this which I haue sayd of it already I also find to be very imperfectly described But as for the Feeling part the verie beginning to say what it was is a thing which can neither be well no nor euen almost at all related as it was indeed in regard that I felt a certaine fire in my verie Soule though yet I know not how to declare it as indeed it was For all those almost insupportable torments which I haue felt with all extremi tie in this life and whereof the Physitians are wont to affirme that euen in the Corporeall way they are the greatest which can be suffered in this world as namely that shrinking-vp of all my Sinnewes when I instantly grew lame by it besides manie other torments in seuerall kindes as also that I haue been vexed much by the Diuel are all no more then absolutly iust nothing in comparison of what I felt in that place besides my knowing with all this that no part of it was euer to cease but to continue without euer haueing an end And yet euen all this which I haue sayd is also nothing in comparison of that continuall agonizing of the Soule that pressing that stifling which is so very sensible an affliction togeather with that desperate kind of discontent and disgust and repining which I am no way able to expresse For to say that it is a continuall tearing of the Soule into fitters is to say little since in that case it seemes that it must be some other bodie who teares it but in this the Soule it self is the verie Executioner which euen teares it self There is besides all that another strange Ingredient which is that interiour kind of fire and that vnspeakable despaire vpon those intollerable torments and sorrowes I saw not who it was that inflicted these things but me thought I found my self to be sliced and minced and prest and burnt all at once And I say and say againe that that interiour fire and despaire is the very worst of it all Whilst I was in this most pestilentiall place and that without anie possibilitie of euer so much as once hoping for anie comfort at all there was no such thing to be thought of as sitting or extending my self nor is there anie place voyd to receaue one though yet they had put me into that thing which is like a hole in a wall because euen those verie walls which are also most hideous to the sight doe euen presse their verie selues close towards and vpon one another and euerie thing there helpes to choake There is also no light in that place but all is grosse and euen palpable darknes For my part I vnderstand not how this can be for with hauing no light at all yet all that which may be able to giue anie vexation to the Sight is discerned and seen Our Lord was not pleased at that time that I should see anie more of Hell but afterward I had another Vision of most fearefull things and of the punishment of certaine particular vices And forasmuch as I might be able to discerne and iudge of by the sight these seemed to be euen more hideous then the former but yet in regard that I felt not the paine of it they made me not so much afrayd For in this other present Vision our Lord was pleased that I should really feele those torments and afflictions in Spirit euen as if my verie Bodie had been suffering them there I know not how all this could be but yet I vnderstood well enough that it was a very great Fauour and that our Lord was pleased that I should discerne as euen by the verie sight of mine owne eyes from whence his great mercie had deliuered me For it is nothing to haue heard talke of it nor that at other times I had considered seuerall sorts of torments though yet I did it not often for I liked not that very well in regard of the feare it gaue me nor yet that the Diuels are wont to teare men in peices with hot pincers nor anie other thing whereof I had read for all in fine is nothing if once it be compared to this Since this is wholy another kind of thing and the torments of this world compared with this are no more then a meer Picture in comparison of the Life the verie burning which is felt in this world being but a verie trifle in respect of that other For my part I remained astonished and amazed at it and so I am euen whilst I am writing these things though it hapned to me six yeares agoe And it is a most reall truth that euen now in the verie place where I am but thinking of them the naturall heate of my bodie beginnes to faile me euen for verie feare Not doe I euer remember what passed then but that all my afflictions and troubles and whatsoeuer can be suffered in this life seemed nothing to me and so also me thinkes it seemes that in part we complaine heer without reason And therefore I say againe that this was one of the greatest Fauours that I euer receaued in my whole life at the hands of our Lord. For it hath benefited me very much both towards the making me loose all feare and care concerning the tribulations and contradictions of this life as also to giue me strength towards the enduring them and finally to render thankes to our Blessed Lord for deliuering me as now I
may hope from those terrible and perpetuall torments Since that time as I was saying there is nothing which seemes not easie to me in cōparison of one moment of that which is to be suffered there And I was in a very great wonder that hauing so often read diuerse Bookes which giue me some notice of a part of the torments of Hell I feared them so little and held them in so small account considering in what case I was then and how it was possible for me to receaue contentment in anie such thing as finally was to carrie me on to so wretched a place as that is Be thou eternally Blessed O my God for how well hast thou made it appeare that thou louedst me incomparably better then I doe my self How often O my deare Lord hast thou deliuered me from that darke and horrible Dungeon and how often haue I returned to cast my self in thither againe euen against thy will From hence also I got a facilitie to be in very great paine for the manie Soules of these Lutherans which are condemned to Hell and especially because they had once been members of the Holy Catholique Church by their Baptisme I gained also great impulses to doe good to Soules and really it seemes to me to be very certaine that for the sauing of anie of them from so greiuous and euerlasting torments I could suffer manie deaths with a very good will For I consider that if we see a person in this world whome we loue vndergoe anie great affliction or paine it seemes that euen our naturall disposition inuites vs to haue compassion of the case and so much as that paine is greater so much the more And therefore now to see a Soule which is for euer to be enchained to the enduring of that supreame affliction and miserie of all miseries who shall be able to beare it and what hart can euer brooke it without strange trouble And since we are moued heer to so much compassion of men whose miseries haue yet a tearme prefixed and at the furthest they are to end with their liues how shall we be able to get patience for thinking of the infinit torments of those others considering what a huge number of Soules the Diuel is daily carrying into Hell This consideration also makes me desire that in a busines of so mightie importance we may not be satisfyed with lesse then the doeing of the very vttermost we can on our part and that we leaue nothing at all vnattempted to secure our selues by that meanes and I humbly beseech our Blessed Lord to giue vs all his grace for this purpose When I consider that howsoeuer I were formerly most wicked yet had I some little care to ferue Almightie God not yet did I then commit certaine things which are taken and swallowed downe by the world as familiarly as to turne the hand And with this I endured huge sicknesses and I did it with that great patience which our Lord was pleased to giue me for that purpose and I was also not inclined to murmure and detract or to speake hardly of anie Creature nay it seemes to me as if I scarce had power to with anie bodie anie ill nor was I couetous nor enuious for anie thing that I could euer remember at least to anie such proportion as might result to the great offence of Almightie God And some other things also there are wherein though I were very wicked I had vsually the feare of Almightie God before me And yet notwithstanding all this I see where the Diuels had taken vp and prouided my lodgeing and it is true that considering what my faults had been it seemed to me that I yet deserued more punishment But howsoeuer vpon the whole matter I declare that it was a most horrible torment and and that it is a dangerous thing that the Soule should take contentment and be at rest which is falling euerie minute into Mortall Sinne. Nay rather for the loue of Almightie God let vs remoue all the occasions thereof for our Lord will help vs all as he hath done me And I humbly beseech his Diuine Maiestie not to giue ouer to hold me fast in his hand least if he doe I returne to fall for in that case I see already what is to become of me for euer but I beseech our B. Lord againe not to suffer it euen for his owne mercies sake Amen But now after my seeing all this as also manie other great things and secrets which our Lord through his owne mercie was pleased to shew me concerning the Glorie which is designed in the next life for the good and the Torments for the wicked and I procuring now to light vpon some way or meanes whereby I might doe Pennance for so much ill as I had committed and might be able also to doe somewhat towards the obtaining of so great a good I desired euen to fly out of the sight of mankind and now at length once for all to deuide my selfe from the world and to part from it And my hart would now be quiet no longer but yet was not that disquiet of mine anie troublesome kind of thing but rather of contentment and gust and it was euident that it came from Almightie God and that his Diuine Maiestie had giuen heate enough to this Soule of mine for the disgesting of other and stronger meates then she had formerly taken And now I beganne to consider what I might possibly he able to doe for Almightie God and the first thing I thought was to follow that first Call which his Diuine Maiestie had giuen me to leade a Religious Life and that by the Obseruance of my Rule with the greatest perfection that I could practise And though there were in the Monasterie wherein I found my self at that time manie Seruants of Almightie God by whome he was very much serued in that place yet in regard they wanted temporall meanes manie of the Religious woemen were cast into a kind of necessitie to goe abroad sometimes for releife of the House but yet they did it so as to passe with all kind of chastitie and pietie And besides that House was not founded according to the first rigour of the Rule but only the same Rule was obserued in conformitie with all the rest of the Order according to the Bulles of Relaxation and dispensation There were also some other inconueniences and besides it seemed to me that the place was of much Regalo in regard that it was both large and pleasant But especially the inconuenience of going sometimes out of the Monasterie was growne to be a very great one for me though formerly I had been one who made most familiar vse of it my self in regard that sometimes some persons whome the Superiours being importuned could not well refuse tooke contentment that I should accompanie them who went abroad And by this meanes according to the vse which was held I might grow by degrees to remaine very
if he had still liked it my self had been excused and discharged with all the world But yet they were not so fauourable to my Companion for her they would not absolue but left her to her self yea and they sayd that she was obliged to take away the scandall She went therefore to a great learned man and a great Seruant of God of S. Dominick's Order to tell him what had passed and indeed to giue him account of the whole busines And this was before the Prouinciall had giuen it ouer for now there was no Creature in the whole Towne who would giue vs anie opinion in the Case and therefore they might well affirme as they did that we proceeded in all this of our owne heads But that Ladie made relation of the whole busines to this holie man and acquainted him with the Rent which she meant to settle vpon it out of her owne Estate with much desire that he would assist vs for he was the greatest learned man in all that Towne at that time and perhaps there were not manie more learned in his whole Order I told him also of all that which we intended to doe and some motiues thereof but I acquainted him not with anie Reuelation of mine but only with those naturall reasons which moued me For I desired not that he should giue vs anie opinion but according to them And he on the other side wished that we would giue him the rearme of eight dayes wherein to answer He asked vs also then whether we were resolued to doe that verie thing which he should direct and I told him we were But though I sayd thus much and me thinkes I would haue done as I sayd yet did I neuer loose assurance that the Monasterie in fine would be made My Companion had yet a stronger Faith for whatsoeuer they might say to her she would neuer giue-ouer to execute the designe But now though I held it impossible but that the worke would be done so assuredly did I beleiue that the Reuelation aforesayd was true prouided alwaies that it were found to containe nothing either against Holie Scripture or the Decrees of the Church which we are bound to beleiue and obserue yet howsoeuer as I said before I conceaued that that Reuelation was really of Almightie God if still that learned man had told me that we could not effect the thing without offending his Diuine Maiestie and that we should haue sinned against good Conscience by procuring it I conceiue that I should instantly haue giuen it ouer and sought-out some other meanes for my releif but for the present our Lord imparted none but this to me But now this Seruant of Almightie God told me that he had taken this busines into his care togeather with a full resolution to employ himself earnestly in procuring that we might giue-ouer our purpose because the clamour of the people against it had already come to his notice and so also had it appeared to euerie Creature to be an impertinencie and besides that a certaine Cauallier of the Towne as soone as he had vnderstood that we intended to speake with the Father sent to him to aduise him to consider well what he did and that by no meanes he should help vs yet that now himself beginning to consider what he was to answer vs and to reflect seriously vpon the busines and vpon the intention which we had and with what good order and Religious manner we proceeded he resolued in fine that it would be a thing resulting much to the Seruice of Almightie God and that we should by no meanes forbeare to put it in execution And in conformitie to this his answer was That we should make what hast we could to conclude it And he also let vs know his opinion of the way and manner which we were best to hold in it and that though the Rent were little yet Almightie God was to be trusted with somewhat And that for his part he desired that whosoeuer should contradict or oppose it might be sent to him for he would know very well what to answer And accordingly he assisted vs euer as I shall declare heerafter With this we went much comforted away as also in that we found how some holie persons of that place who formerly had been opposite to vs grew now to be appeased and some of them did also assist vs and amongst them was that holie Caualier of whome I made mention before Who in regard that our pretence seemed to aspire to great perfection as indeed it doth because it is wholy grounded in Prayer he gaue-vp this opinion and Vote That howsoeuer the meanes whereby things must be effected seemed to carrie much difficultie with them and to be without great apparance of successe yet perhaps that it might fall-out to be of Almightie God Now it may be that our Blessed Lord disposed him to be of this minde and the Doctour also that Preist and Seruant of Almightie God whome I related to haue voted first and who is the verie Mirrour of all that Towne the person whome Almightie God perserues there for the good of manie Soules was now also growne already to assist me in the busines And thus we were come to this condition by the helpe of manie Prayers and now already we had bought the House in a good part of the Towne though but a poore one but I value not that at all for our Lord had told me before that I should enter as well as I could and that afterward I should find what his Diuine Maiestie would doe and that haue I seen well performed And so although I found that we had but little meanes yet I beleiued that our Blessed Lord would take order that we should be fauoured by other wayes THE THREE AND THIRTIETH CHAPTER She proceedes in the same Subiect of the Foundation of the Monasterie of the Glorious S. Ioseph She declares hovv she vvas commanded to attend to that busines and of the time vvhen she forbore to follovv it and of some troubles vvich she had and hovv she vvas comforted in them by our Blessed Lord. THis busines being now in such case and so neer the point of finall dispatch that they were to draw-vp the Writings the verie next day following it fell out to be iust then when our Prouincial grew to change his latter opinion and returne to his former and I beleiue he was moued to it by Diuine ordination as we shall see afterward For our Prayers hauing been so manie as indeed they were it seemes that our Blessed Lord went perfecting the worke and appointing that it should be dispatched though after a different manner from what we conceiued But when once the sayd Prouincial had formerly refused to admit of the House my Ghostlie Father gaue me a commandment that I should now thinke no more of that matter And yet our Lord best knowes what troubles and afflictions it had cost me before I could euer bring it to
desired for foure or fiue yeares togeather before her end and then she dyed vpon a suddaine without being so much as visited and much lesse Confessed But the happines was that according to the custome which she had held there was little more then eight dayes expired after her last Confession This made me a very glad woeman when I knew of her death and she stayed a very short time in Purgatorie Nor is it yet aboue eight dayes since our Lord appeared to me after I had receaued the Blessed Sacrament and was pleased to let me see how he carried my Sisters soule into glorie In all these yeares from the time when the particular concerning her was told me till her very death I forgot not that which had been giuen me to be vnderstood concerning her as neither also did my Companion For as soone as she had heard of my Sisters death she came towards me with much admiration to see how all had been fulfilled Let our Lord be praised for euer who vouchsafes to take such care of Soules to the end that they may not perish Amen THE FIVE AND THIRTIETH CHAPTER She prosecutes the same Discourse about the Foundation of this House of our Glorious Father S. Ioseph She speakes of the degrees by vvhich our Lord came to appoint that holie Pouertie should be ordained there and of the cause vvhy she came from that Ladie vvith vvhome she vvas and of other things also vvhich succeeded BVt now whilst I was with that Ladie of whome I haue spoken and with whome I had remained more then half a yeare our Lord did so ordaine that a certaine holie woeman of our Order fell out to come from a place which was no lesse then three-score and then leagues off from this and to ariue heer and to lengthen her way by some leagues on purpose to speake with me Our Lord had moued her to this in the self-same yeare when he moued me to make another Monasterie of this Order And as soone as she had entertained this desire she sold whatsoeuer she possessed and went her self bare-foot to Rome to get and bring-away the Dispatch of this Busines This woeman is a person of much Pennance and Prayer and our Lord did her manie Fauours and our B. Ladie appeared to her and required her still to doe what she was doing and she serued our Blessed Lord so incomparably beyond anie thing that I could doe that I was in confusion euen to appeare in her presence She shewed me the Dispatches which she brought from Rome and in those fifteen dayes which she stayd with me we tooke order how we would make these Monasteries and till I had spoken with her it neuer had come to my knowledge that our Rule till it was relaxed did euer command that none of the Religious Houses of our Order should haue anie proprietie in anie goods Nor had my self had anie purpose to found anie Monasterie at all without Reuenue for my intention was that we should be free from the care of procuring anie such thing as we might be in necessitie to vse But this Blessed Woeman hauing been instructed by our Lord was growne to vnderstand that truth very well without being able so much as to read of which truth I was ignorant euen after haueing taken so much paines to read ouer the Constitutions of our Order And as soone as she acquainted me with her purpose I liked it well though yet I was afrayd that it would not be yeilded to but that they would say perhaps that these were but impertinencies and wish that I would not doe anie thing whereby others might be put to suffer through my fault Though yet in very deed if I had been alone I would not haue been detained one minute from doeing it since it would be a Regalo to my Soule to obserue follow the Counsailes of Iesus-Christ our Lord for really his Diuine Maiestie had already giuen me great desires to obserue Pouertie So that for my part I made no doubt but that this was best yea and I had long desired that it might be possible and compatible with my state that I might goe begging my bread for the loue of God without hauing so much as a house or anie thing els But only I was in feare that if our Blessed Lord should not giue the self-same desires to others which he gaue to me they would liue perhaps with disgust and consequently that it might proue a cause of some distraction or diuision For I saw that there were some poore Monasteries which liued not with much recollection and I considered not that their not being recollected was the cause of their being so poore and not their Pouertie the cause of their want of Recollection For distraction makes them not more rich nor is euer Almightie God wanting to such as serue him In fine my Faith was weake which that of this Seruant of God was not But now I who would be taking the opinion of so manie persons for euerie thing which I was to doe could find no bodie of this minde no nor euen my Ghostlie Father himself nor yet those other learned men whome I consulted in the case but they brought me so manie reasons against it that I knew not which way to turne my self For I for my part who knew already that it was the Rule of the order and knew also that it was a point of more perfection could not perswade my self to haue Reuenue And though sometimes they conuinced me towards their opinion yet still when I returned to Prayer and considered Christ our Lord so very poore and naked vpon the Crosse I was not able so much as to find patience for being rich But I humbly besought him with teares to ordaine things in such sort that I might be poore like him And I found so manie inconueniences euen in hauing Reuenue and found it to be so great a cause of disquiet yea and euen of distraction also that I did nothing but dispute the busines with those learned men I wrote also about it to that Religious man of S. Dominick's Order who assisted vs and he sent me two sheets of Paper which he had written by way of contradiction to me and he grounded himself in Theologie for the perswading me not to doe it yea and he told me that he had studied the point very well To which I answered him that for not following my Vocation and for not performing the Vow which I had made of Pouertie and embracing the Counsailes of Christ our Lord in all perfection I meant not to make vse of his Theologie nor of his Learning and therefore that in this case he might be pleased to excuse me For my part I was very glad when I found anie Creature who woud helpe me and the Ladie with whome I was assisted me particularly heerin There were others also who told me instantly at the first that they liked it well but afterward when they considered it better they
for I confesse I vnderstand not this kind of language but because I haue been thinking that our Saints had antiently affirmed and taught that a Monasterie should be a kind of Court to instruct such persons as had a minde to make themselues Courtiers in the Kingdome of Heauen But now things are vnderstood in the direct contrarie way because they who should be continually employed in pleasing Almightie God and in procuring to abhorre the world must now forsooth be obliged to all attention and care in stead of pleasing God to please such as liue in the world yea and that in certaine things which are euerie day so subiect to change that I know not how our performances could passe vn-reproued yea though it were possible that all might be learned in one Lesson without anie losse at all of more time Yea and euen for the Titles which are expected vpon the Superscription of Letters it were now it seemes not to be vnfitt that there were some Doctours-Chaire erected as one may say where they might instruct and teach how such and such Titles were to be vsed For sometimes men leaue the Paper emptie on one side of the page of the Letter and sometimes on the other And now he who was not wont to be VVorshipfull must be called Honourable and I know not in fine where things will rest For I am not yet fiftie yeares old and yet I haue seen such changes in my time that I cannot tell now how to liue But then how will they who are now borne know how to carrie themselues if they chance to liue long I haue really great compassion of Spirituall persons who are obliged to liue in the world for certaine holie ends for I hold it to be a kind of terrible Crosse which they are faine to carrie euen in this respect If they could all come to agree in a tale and professe themselues to be ignorant and be content to be held for such in this kind of art or science they might free themselues from a great deale of trouble But now into what kind of fooleties haue I cast my self For by treating of the greatnesses of Almightie God I am growne by degrees to speake of the basenesses of the world And since our Lord hath done me the Fauour to make me able to leaue it I am resolued to goe out of it now at length Let them fitt themselues to it as they list who sustaine and hold-vp these toyes with so much trouble to themselues and I pray God that we may not pay dearly for them in the other world where there is no change to be found Amen THE EIGHT AND THIRTIETH CHAPTER VVherein she treats of some great Fauours vvhich our Lord vvas pleased to doe her as vvell in acquainting her vvith certaine Secrets of Heauen as by giuing her other great Visions and Reuelations She declares also the effects vvhich they left in her Soule and the great benefits vvhich she obtained by them BEing so very ill at ease one night that I thought fitt to excuse my self from Prayer I tooke a Paire of Beades or Rosarie into my hand to employ my self Vocally by that meanes And I procured not to recollect my Vnderstanding in anie very serious manner though yet forasmuch as concerned my exteriour I was sufficiently recollected and in my Oratorie But when our Blessed Lord hath a minde to anie thing these diligences of ours to the contrarie are not wont to serue to anie great purpose For I remaining a while after this manner there came a Rapt of Spirit vpon me with such an excessiue impulse or impetuositie that there was no power in me to resist it It seemed to me that I was carried vp and placed in Heauen yea and the first persons whome I saw there were my Father and my Mother and I also saw some things besides so very great and all in so very short a space of time as wherein an Aue Maria might be sayd that I was amazed as conceauing that it was too very great a Fauour for me In this circumstance of the times haueing been so short I may perhaps be deceaued for it may haue been a little longer but at least it ranne speedily away and seemed short enough For my part I was in some feare of an Illusion but yet supposing that it should proue none I found my self in an extreame deale of shame with considering how I could euer be able to declare anie such thing as that to my Ghostlie Father Not yet in my opinion that I was to receaue trouble by it in respect of anie such thing as Humilitie in me but because I thought it likelie enough that he would make some ieast at it and say Lord what a kind of S. Paul or S. Ierome is this woeman growne that she forsooth must see things of Heauen yea and besides in regard that these Glorious Saints had participated and been admitted to such things as these I grew to be in so much the more feare of my self and really I did nothing but weepe bitterly in regard that in my opinion there was no apparance of reason at all that these things were to passe after this manner But yet howsoeuer in fine I resolued that I would goe to my Ghostlie Father notwithstanding all the auersion which I had and that I would acquaint him with all things for I neuer durst conceale anie thing from him through the very great feare wherein I was of being abused and deceiued Yet when he found me to be so greatly afflicted he did procure to comfort me much and told me of manie good things to free me from the paine wherein I was But afterward that which followes hapned to me and the same occurrs to me often For our Lord went shewing me yet greater Secrets I say he went shewing them to me for that a Soule should euer be able to see anie one iott more then is represented to her by our Lord is absolutly an impossible thing and for my part I neuer saw more then meerly what he was pleased to shew me at euerie seuerall time But that was so very much that the least part thereof sufficed to make me remaine all amazed and my Soule to be very much improued towards the vndervalue and dis-esteem of whatsoeuer thing might be in this world I would be extreamly glad if I could tell how to giue some little part of the least of that which I knew to be vnderstood but I find that it is wholy impossible For though this Light which we see heer and that Light which is represented there be all of it Light yet still there is so great a difference withall as that there is no manner of comparison For the claritie and brightnes euen of the verie Sunne it self is a thing of meane and poore apparance in respect of this In fine the verie Imagination of man how subtile and refined soeuer it may be is yet vnable to reach to the describing anie thing of
this Light nor yet of anie other thing at all which our Lord was pleased to giue me to vnderstand and that with such a soueraigne kind of delight as cannot possibly be declared For all our Senses enioy such a superiour degree of sweetnes that it can no way be fully expressed and therefore I thinke it will be best to say no more I had once been aboue an hower in this condition when our Lord shewed me admirable things and seeming not to depart from being neer me he spake these verie words to me See heer my Daughter vvhat they loose vvho are against me doe not thou forbeare to let them knovv it But O my deare Lord what good will my saying it doe to them whome their owne actions blind so deeply if thy Diuine Maiestie doe not giue them light Some there be to whome thou hast giuen it and they haue profited much by knowing those greatnesses of thine but yet O my Lord they see in such sort withall that they are shewed to such a wretched and miserable thing as my self that I cannot but esteem it a strange thing to find that anie Creature should beleiue me Blessed be thy name and thy mercie for at least I haue plainly seen an euident amendment in mine owne Soule and I would be glad if I might still remaine there and not come back to liue heer anie more For the contempt wherein I held this whole world was very great and it seemed to be no better then euen dung to me and now I find how basely we be employed who are detained therein Whilst I remained with that Ladie of whome I spoke before it hapned to me once when I was ill and euen sick at the hart for I haue formerly been subiect to this miserie though nothing so much of late she considering me with much charitie and compassion commanded that one day certaine Iewells of hers should be brought forth which she had of very great value and one in particular of Diamonds which was prized at a verie high rate Now she conceaued belike that this would recreate and reviue me but I smiled inwardly at her the while and had compassion to see how meane things men esteem when I considered what our Lord hath layd-vp for vs And I thought how impossible a thing it would be for me to put anie manner of value vpon such toyes as those euen though I should endeauour it vnlesse our Lord should first depriue me of the memorie of those other treasures But now this kind of Fauour giues so great a dominion to the Soule that I know not whether it can possibly be vnderstood but only by such persons as possesse it For it is the proper true and naturall discharge and vntying of the Soule from all things created and this growes absolutly without anie labour of our owne and Almightie God doth it all and then his Diuine Maiestie shewes these Truths and that so as to make them remaine imprinted and engrauen in the Soule and they serue also to make vs see clearly that it was not possible for vs to acquire them especially in so short a time by anie diligences of our owne Vpon this I also came to haue very little feare of death which formerly had been great in me but now it is growne to seem to be a thing of very much facilitie and ease for such as apply themselues to the Seruice of Almightie God For by death the Soule flyes out of prison in one moment and is not only put presently into libertie but enioyes an euerlasting rest and glory Now this way which is held by Almightie God in carrying the Spirit vp to shew her so excellent things in these Rapts seemes to beare a very close kind of conformitie with the passage of a Soule out of a Bodie at the hower of death since it growes euen at one instant to be so entirely inpossession of this Eternall Good But heer I lay aside the consideration of those sorrowes and paines which are felt when the Soule is torne out of the Bodie for we are to make little account of that and they also who loue God in good earnest and haue shaken hands with all the contentments of this life are certainly wont to dye with more sweetnes It also seemes to me that these Fauours did me very much good towards the bringing me into a knowledge of our true Countrie and to see that we were meer Pilgrims heer and it is a pretious kind of thing to find what passes there aboue and to vnderstand where in fine we are to liue for euer And whensoeuer one goes to settle and stay for good and all in anie Countrie it giues a great assistance towards the enduring all the incommodities of the iourney when we know that the end of it is to be such as that we may in fine be in great repose and happines when we get thither It is also heer obtained that with case we may grow able to consider Heauenlie things that so our conuersation may be there And this is a great kind of gaine since the onlie thinking of Heauen recollects the Soule in regard that our Lord being pleased to shew vs somewhat which passes there we are induced to pawse and thinke vpon it And sometimes it so falls out that they whome I know to liue there are the Soules who accompanie me and in whome I receaue most comfort and these indeed are they who seem to be truely aliue and those others on the other side who liue heer seem to be so very deadly dead as that this whole world put togeather cannot amount to be anie companie at all for me And especially when I find anie of these impulses or impetuosities in my self the whole world seemes to be but a verie Dreame and all the obiects of these corporeall eyes of mine a meer ieast and toy but that which already I haue seen with the eyes of my Soule that I say is the thing which she desires and because she finds her self to be yet farre off from thence this is that which is no lesse then euen death it self to my Soule In fine the Fauour is excessiuely great which our Lord vouchsafes to that Soule to whome he giues such Visions as these for they helpe her much in all things and particularly to the carrying of a certaine heauie Crosse which lyes vpon her For nothing can satisfye her now but euerie thing disgusts and checks her And if our Blessed Lord did not giue way that we might forget it sometimes though yet we remember it againe afterward I know not how we should be able to liue Let him be Blessed and praised for all Eternitie and I humbly begg of his Diuine Maiestie euen by that very pretious Bloud which his owne Sonne shed for me that since he hath vouchsafed that I should vnderstand somewhat of these benefits and blessings and that I should beginne to enioy them also in some kind euen in this life it
may not happen to me as it did to Lucifer who lost all by his owne fault Doe not permit this O my Lord I humbly pray thee euen by all that which thou art for it is no small feare which I haue sometimes though yet at other times yea and vsually the mercie of Almightie God giues me a very confident hope that since he hath been pleased to draw me out of so manie Sinnes he will not forsake me so now as to let me be lost And this doe I humbly pray your Reuerence that you will euer desire in my behalfe But in the meane time me thinkes that those precedent Fauours were not so very great as this which I will now apply my self to relate and that for manie reasons manie blessings also and in particular for that great courage strēgth which haue still remained in me vpon that account And therefore if those former may be considered euerie one by it self this other which I am going to relate will be found to be so very great as that there will be no comparison at all between them I was one day and the same fell out to be vpon the Vigil of Pentecost or VVhitsontide after Masse and I went to a more remote place where I often vsed to pray and I beganne to read in a certaine Booke of this Feast which had been written by a Carthusian And meeting there with those signes which both Beginners and Proficients and Perfect Soules vse to haue and how they may come to vnderstand whether the Holie-Ghost doe inhabit their harts or no as soone as I had read these three States it seemed to me that Almightie God through his goodnes did not leaue or faile to be present with me after a particular manner for as much as I might be able to vnderstand And whilst I was praising his Diuine Maiestie for that blessing I remembred that I had read the same thing formerly when I wanted very much of that condition of minde and then I saw that I wanted it as plainly as now I vnderstand the direct contrarie concerning my self But thus I came to know the great Fauour which our Blessed Lord had done me and from thence I grew also to consider the Place which my Soule had deserued in Hell for my Sinnes and I gaue great praise to Almightie God in regard that now me thought my Soule was so extreamly changed that I could hardly almost conceaue it to be the verie self-same thing which it had been before Being then in this consideration there came a great impulse or impetuositie vpon me without my being able to vnderstand the occasion thereof Me thought my verie Soule had a minde to get instantly out of my Bodie for now she could not possibly containe her self any longer nor found she her self at that time to be able to stay anie longer heer in the painefull expectation of so great a Good Now this was so excessiue an impulse or impetuositie that I could not possibly tell euen what to doe with my self nor so much as what I ayled so extreamly was I growne to be in disorder And though I were sitting then yet was I not able euen to sitt and so I applyed my self a little to leane for I found that all my naturall forces began to faile me But perceauing my self to be in this case I saw a Doue vpon mine owne head but such a Doue as was very different from them of this world for she had not of our kind of feathers but the wings were as of certaine little shells which darred a huge splendour from themselues This Doue was much greater then any ordinarie Doue and me thought I heard a noise which she made with her wings for she was fluttering about the space of an Aut Maria. But my Soule was already in such condition that growing to loose her self she also lost the sight of the Doue My Spirit did then beginne to quiet it self vpon the entertaining of such a Guest as she had gotten though yet for my part I imagined that so wondrous an encounter and accident as that was might well haue disquieted and frighted it But she beginning already to enioy layd quickly all feare aside and togeather with the self same ioy grew to haue quietnes withall but yet still remaining in the Rapt Now the glorie of this Rapt was extreamly great and I remained during the most part of the whole Festiuitie of Pentecost so stunned and euen as it were besorted and befooled that I knew not what to dot with my self nor was I able by anie meanes to vnderstand how so high and great a Fauour as this was could possibly find a resting place in me I neither heard nor saw in effect by reason of the great excesse of my interiour ioy I vnderstood how from that day forward my Soule remained with a very great encrease of improuement by enioying a more sublime loue of Almightie God and that my vertues also had gained a great encrease of strength Now let him be blessed and praised for all eternities Amen I saw also at another time the same Doue vpon the head of a certaine Father of S. Dominick's Order saue that me thought both the beames and the brightnes of the verie wings did spread and extend themselues much further and it was giuen me then to vnderstand that he was to winne Soules to God Another time I saw our Blessed Ladie putting a white long Garment vpon the back of a certaine Graduate of the same Order of whome I haue spoken formerly diuerse times and she told me that she had giuen him that Mantle for hauing assisted in the Busines of this House and that his Soule should be defended and preserued for the future in such puritie as that he should not fall into Mortall Sinne. And I assure my self it proued so for he dyed within few yeares after yea and he did both line and dye with so great Per nance and sanctitie that there can be no doubt thereof for anie thing that we are able to vnderstand And a certaine Religious man who had been at his death told me that S. Thomas of Aquin had been with him and that he dyed both with great ioy and with desire also to be deliuered from this bannishment wherein he was Since that time he hath appeared to me in very much glorie and told me diuerse things He was a man of so great Prayer that when a little before he dyed he would gladly haue forborne the exercise thereof through his great weaknes he was not able to doe it for euen then he had manie Rapts He wrote to me a little before he dyed about what course I thought he were best to take for helpe because euer as soone as he had done Masse he vsed to fall into Rapts which would last long without his being able to forbeare them But our Lord gaue him at length the reward of the great Seruice he had done him during his whole life Of
not ouershadow and euen hide thy greatnes who would euer presume to approach so often as we doe towards the ioyning of such wretched and filthie things as we are to so high a Maiestie as thine But Blessed be thou for euer my deare Lord and let the Angells vea and all Creatures praise and glorifye thy holie name who dost so measure and weigh things out togeather with our great weaknes as that we may be able to enioy those Soueraigne Fauours of thine without being frighted by thy infinit power though yet we be so miserable and vnworthie Creatures Me thinkes it might happen to vs heer as once it did to another and this I know to be true A certaine Labouring-man found a treasure and the same falling out to be greater then could get roome in his straight and narrow-hart he comeing to haue this treasure in his power grew withall to haue such a melancholie in his minde that he came by little and little to dye by the verie care and affliction of his thoughts for not knowing what he were best to doe with his treasure Whereas if he had not found it all togeather but that some one had giuen it him by little and little accommodating him and sustaining him by degrees the poore man would haue liued contented and it would neuer haue cost him his life O thou who art the riches of the poore and how admirably dost thou know how to sustaine Soules and how carefull art thou to shew them treasures by little and little and that they may not see too much at once when I see so great a Maiestie as thine dissembled as it were and disguised in so small a thing as the Sacred Hoast It is true that in these latter times and since I haue been partaker of these Visions I am euen in admiration at so great a wisdome nor doe I know how our Lord giues me strength and courage to approach it But if he who hath done me and doth me still so great Fauours did not gouerne mee also heerin it were not possible that I could dissemble the matter anie longer but must cry out and that alowd at the sight of so great wonders as these And what now is it then that so miserable a Creature and so loaden with abominations as I am and who haue spent my whole life in so little feare of Almightie God ought to find with all reason in her self to see that she approaches so great a Maiestie euen when he is pleased that my Soule should behold him with her very eyes How shall this mouth of mine which hath vttered so manie words against the Seruice of that verie Lord himself presume to touch that most Glorious Bodie of his so full of pietie and puritie since the loue which that Diuine Countenance of so much beautie suauitie and affabilitie discouers to vs doth more afflict and wound the Soule then doth euen that feare and terrour which is bred in vs by the consideration of his high Maiestie But what then should I feele in my self who haue seen all this whereof I speake two seuerall times I am really about to say O thou my deare Lord and the verie Glorie of my Soule that I haue in some kind done thee Seruice by the great afflictions which my Soule hath felt in her self and yet alas alas I can hardly tell euen what I say who am in effect writing this without knowing almost what I doe For I find that I am all troubled yea and halfe besides my self when I goe back to bring these things to my remembrance though I might seem to haue some little reason for what I say and that I had done some little thing for thy Seruice O my Lord my God But since I am not the owner of so much as one good thought if thou impart it not to mee there is nothing for which I can pretend to be thanked but I am still the debtour O my Lord and still thou art the partie offended Going one day to receaue the B. Sacrament I saw two Diuelis with the eyes of my Soule more clearly then if I had seen them with the eyes of my Bodie in a most abominable figure And me thought their hornes did encompasse the very throat of a certaine poore Preist and I saw also my Lord with that great Maiestie whereof I haue spoken placed in those hands of that Preist which he was going to minister to me with the same sinnefull hands of his for I vnderstood that Soule to be then in the state of Mortall Sinne. But now what kind of Obiect must it be to see thy Beautie O my Lord in the midst of so abominable figures Those Diuells were as all amazed and frighted in thy presence and willingly enough would haue been gone from thence if they could haue gotten thy leaue This gaue me such an excessiue trouble that I knew not how I should be able to Communicate through the great feare wherein I was as conceauing that if it had been a true Vision his Diuine Maiestie would neuer haue permitted that I should discerne the miserie wherein that poore Soule remained The same deare Lord of mine commanded me to pray for that Soule and told me that he had suffered what I had seen to the end that I might know of how great power and force the words of Consecration were and that Almightie God would not be kept from thence how wicked soeuer that Preist should be who pronounced them and to the end that I might also discerne his great goodnes in not forbearing to put himself into the hands euen of his greatest enemies for the good both of me and of all men And I also vnderstood thereby how much more Preists are obliged to be vertuous and good then other men and how terrible a thing it is to take the B. Sacrament vnworthily and how absolute a Lord the Diuel is of anie Soule which is in Mortall Sinne. In fine this passage did me a great deale of good and gaue me a most particular knowledge of the very great obligation wherein I was to Almightie God And let him be Blessed and praised for all eternitie Amen Another time I hapned to see another thing which amazed me extreamly I was in a certaine place where a certaine person dyed who had liued very ill and that manie yeares but during two of them he had been sick and in some things he also seemed to be reformed This man dyed without Confession but still it seemed to me that he was not to be damned though yet whilst men were shrowding him and preparing him for Buriall I saw manie Diuells possesse themselues of that Bodie and they seemed as it were to play with it and yet withall they vsed diuerse cruelties vpon it for they did with certaine great hookes both teare and tosse it from one to another and this struck me into a very great feare When afterward I saw him carried to be buried with all the ceremonie and
times to vnderstand things but iust so as we haue a minde to vnderstand them our selues and euen they are wrested much from the true sense And so we also doe in things of this world and we will needs make our selues beleiue that we must tax euen our owne profit in Spirit according to the measure of the time wherein we haue had anie exercise of Prayer Nay it seemes that we haue had a minde to put a tax and limit vpon him who by no meanes will be subiect to anie when there is question of imparting his Fauours which he is wont to dispose when he will and who can impart more benedictions to one in six moneths then to another in a great multitude of yeares And this is a most certaine truth which I haue seen so expresly verifyed euen with my verie eyes vpon the instance of manie persons that I wonder how we can so much as detaine our selues in the least doubt thereof But I am very apt to beleiue that a man who hath anie talent in trying and knowing Spirits and to whome our Blessed Lord shall haue giuen true Humilitie will not be able to fall and continue in this errour For such a man will iudge of things by the effects and by the strong purposes and firme resolutions and loue of the party who is chiefly concerned And besides our Lord is wont to giue such a person light whereby he may be able to vnderstand it and by that verie light he also discernes the profiting and proceeding forward of Soules and not by the number of yeares wherein they haue attended to these things Because some one Soule may as I sayd before haue obtained that in six moneths which another shall not haue been able to get in twentie yeares For as I sayd also before our Lord bestowes those things to whome he will and commonly he doth it to such as dispose themselues best to receiue them And in proofe heerof I see that there come now to this House of ours certaine Gentlewoemen and Ladies who are very young and yet when our Blessed Lord vouchsafes once to touch their harts and to giue them a little Light and Loue and when in a very short time he is pleased to allow and impart some Regalo and gust of Spirit to them they haue not stayed and pawsed nor was anie difficultie able to offer it self against them which could stopp them but they would be going on without so much as remembring that they were to liue by eating their meate and they shut themselues vp for euer in a House without hauing so much as anie Reuenue vpon which to liue like persons who put no manner of esteem vpon anie thing of this world for the loue of him who they know loues them And they giue ouer euen all things all at once nor haue they anie will at all which is meerly their owne nor doe they vnderstand it to be possible that euer they can receaue disgust by enduring such a straight shutting vp but all of them offer-vp their whole selues in Sacrifice to the honour and glorie of Almightie God And now how willingly and iustly doe I allow them to haue gotten the Start of me heerin and how mightily ought I to be ashamed and euen confounded in the presence of Almightie God to see that what his Diuine Maiestie could not finish in my Soule through my fault in such a multitude of yeares since I vsed Prayer and wherein he beganne to doe me Fauours he hath yet been able to accomplish in them within three moneths yea and euen with some of them in three dayes with doing them also farre lesse Fauour then to me Though yet withall it be very true that our Blessed Lord payes them so well for their paines that they are all very farre from being sorrie to haue done whatsoeuer they haue done for the loue of him For this purpose I could wish that we might call to minde how manie yeares they are since we made our Profession and haue vsed Mentall Prayer Not yet for the giuing them anie trouble by making them turne back who haue made a great deale of way in a short time and to get them to goe but our pace which is as much as it would be to make them who flye like Eagles through the Fauours which it hath pleased Almightie God to doe them to walke the slow dull pace of a shackled Hen but to the end that we may grow to carrie the honour of his Diuine Maiestie in our eye And then if we find these Sisters of ours to be humble whome we see to be so forward in the way of Spirit that we should giue them still the raynes For certainly our Blessed Lord who hath done them so great Fauours already will neuer suffer them to breake their necks by falling downe as from some dangerous rock They commit and trust themselues in the hands of Almightie God for this benefit doe they reape by the truth which Faith teaches them and shall not we also trust them there but must we limit and confine them by our narrow measure according to the meannesse straightnes of our owne poore mindes No no this must not be but rather if our selues cannot ariue to be owners of those strong affections and firme resolutions which abound in them for these things cannot be well vnderstood without experience let vs procure to humble our selues and not condemne them For els by seeming to haue a care of their aduantage and profit we shall depriue our selues of our owne and we shall also loose the occasion which our Lord shewes vs so faire for our owne greater humilitie and that we may the better vnderstand how much is wanting to vs as also how much more absolutly those other Soules are likelie to be vntyed and freed from worldlie things then ours and how much neerer they are approached to Almightie God then we since we see that his Diuine Maiestie is come so much closer vp towards them then vs. For my part I can vnderstand no more in this case neither indeed haue I anie desire to vnderstand more then that I had rather haue such Prayer as hauing been obtained and exercised but a short time might be found to haue great effects and which instantly appeare for it is impossible that a Creature should be content to throw away a whole world at once vpon the onlie reason of pleasing Almightie God without a mightie force of loue then such an other kind of Prayer as should haue continued manie yeares and yet neuer in fine haue made an end of resoluing vpon anie more at the last then at the first to doe aniething for the pure loue of Almightie God vnlesse it be some poore little fidling bable which is no bigger then a graine of Salt which hath neither bulke nor weight but is such as that anie Bird might be able to carrie it away in her Bill For I confesse we hold it not for a matter
with a great Clowde and so to become very darke and that so though our Blessed Lord be euer present with vs yea so very present as that he giues vs our verie Being thereby yet then he is not so represented as to be seen by vs And that when the Case concernes Heretiques the Looking-Glasse is directly broken which is farre worse then to be obscured But now there is a very great deale of difference between my seeing it and my relating it for it is no easie thing to giue it well to be vnderstood Yet this hath done me a great deale of good and hath affected me with much pittie and greif for those times wherein my self did obscure my Soule in such sort as that I was not able to behold and see this Blessed Lord of mine It seemes also to me that this kind of Vision is very vsefull to persons who are of much recollection to teach them a way of thinking of our Blessed Lord as in the most interiour part of their Soules which is a consideration that will stick closest to then and will be of much more benefit then if they were considered as anie way our of the Soule according to what I haue sayd els where and it is contained also in some Bookes which are written of Prayer about the way how wee are to seeke Almighty God In particular the Glorious S. Augustin speakes much of how Almightie God is not to be sought either in pleasures or externall places and that he could be no way found so well as in our selues and this is certainly the best way nor haue we need to goe further off then to our verie selues and much lesse to clime-vp as high as Heauen for this purpose for this will but distract the Soule and wearie the Spirit and doe vs nothing neer so much good I will also giue an aduertisment heer to the end that if anie bodie haue anie such thing as that he may know the better how to carrie himself It happens in some very great Rapts when the time is past wherein the Soule remaines in Vnion and when all the Faculties and Powers thereof are absorpt and which lasts as I haue sayd but a little while that the Soule remaines recollected and is not able in the exteriour way to returne to it self but those two Powers and Faculties namely the Vnderstanding and Memorie remaine as with a kind of frensie in great disorder This I say happens sometimes and especially with Beginners And I haue been thinking whether it may not proceed from this That our condition is naturally very weake and not able to admit and endure so great a strength of Spirit and that the Imagination is weakned also much and I know that this happens to some Now for my part I am apt to thinke that it were not ill to oblige them in such cases as this to leaue-off their Prayer for that time and to goe recouering that afterward which they loose then that so all come not on togeather for it may chance proue an occasion of much inconuenience And of this we haue experience and that it will fall out to be of better proofe to consider very well how much our state of health and strength is able to endure But in all things there will be need of good experience and of a good Directour for when once the Soule is growne to be in these tearmes manie things will come to offer themselues wherein there will be need enough of some bodie with whome it may be fitt to consider them And if anie such man can not be found when he is sought our Blessed Lord himselfe will not be wanting to him since he would not be wanting to me I being the wicked Creature I am For I beleiue there are very few who are come to haue experience of so manie things and if there be not experience it is in vaine to thinke of anie remedie which will not rather serue to disquiet and afflict the Soule But the best is that our Blessed Lord will take euen that trouble of ours in account for some satisfaction of himself and therefore it will fall-out to be better done to conferr thereof as I haue formerly sayd and so will it also be to proceed after this manner in all those things whereof I am speaking now For I see that this imports very much especially if they be woemen who are concerned and that they doe it with their Ghostlie Father and that he also be such as is fitt At least there vse to be more woemen then men to whome our Lord imparts these Fauours and this I vnderstood first from the holie man Fray Pedro de Alcantara and I haue also seen my self that they proceeded and profited more in this way of Spirit then men doe But he gaue excellent reasons for his opinion which need not be inserted heer for they all are in fauour of woemen Being one day in Prayer there was suddainly represented to me but it was without my seeing anie thing formed and yet it was with a very extraordinarie kind of claritie how all things are seen in Almightie God and how he hath them all in himself To know how to set this downe is in no power of mine but it remained deeply imprinted in my Soule and it was one of the greatest Fauours that euer had been done me by our Blessed Lord yea and of those also which put me to greatest confusion shame when I considered the manie sinnes which I had committed against him I well beleiue that if our Blessed Lord had been pleased to let me see this Vision at some other time of my life or if they could see him now who are sinning against him they would neuer haue the hart and courage to doe as they doe It appeared to me as I sayd but yet so as that I cannot expresly affirme that I saw anie thing distinctly but yet somewhat me thinkes must needs haue been seen by me since I am able to make this verie comparison but that it fell out to be signifyed by so delicate and subtile a way as that the vnderstanding is not able to reach it or els that I haue no skill of all those kinds of Visions which seem not to be Imaginarie but yet in some of these I verily thinke that perhaps there may be somewhat of the Imaginarie or formed apparance and that only the Powers of the Soule being then in Rapt they are not able afterward to assigne anie Forme in what manner our Lord represents himself to them there and how he is pleased that they shall enioy him But yet supposing it to be the Diuinitie in the forme of some bright Diamond which were bigger then the whole world or els of some Looking-Glasse after the manner of what I sayd before concerning the Soule in that other Vision saue that this is in so superiour a kind of manner that I am not able to expresse it and that all that which we doe is seen
I had to conuerse with them But our Lord did euer counsaile me in all things yea so farre as euen to tell me how I should carrie my self towards weake persons and some others also and he neuer layes the care of me aside But I am much troubled to find that I am good for so little in his Seruice as also that I can doe the lesse through my spending more time then I wiâ—h vpon so weake and wasted a bodie as mine is As I was once in Prayer and the hower of our going to rest came on I found my self in a great deale of paine and knowing that my ordinarie Vomits would ariue and obserueing my self to be so tyed-vp to these cares and the Spirit on the other side desiting to haue some time for it self I grew to be euen so tired that I beganne to be greatly afflicted and to weepe much and that happens very often to me And this condition puts me to such a kind of anger that me thinkes I doe in those times euen abhorre my self though yet it be true withall that I doe not abhorre my self indeed nor yet am wanting in what is necessarie for me and I rather pray God that I take not more care of my self then I should and so I feare I doe But now whilst I was in this greif our Lord appeared to me and regaled me very much and told me that I must endure these troubles and goe-through with them for loue of him and That my Life vvas necessarie yet And so me thinkes I neuer see my self in anie very great paine which I value since I resolued to serue this Lord and Comforter of mine with all my power For though he permitted me to suffer a little yet would he still be assisting me so withall that I esteem not my selfe to doe much in desiring to suffer afflictions for his sake So that now me thinkes there is no reason why we should euen desire so much as to liue but only to the end that we might suffer and accordingly this is the thing which I begg with most affection of Almightie God And sometimes I am saying to him with my whole hart O Lord let me either suffer or dye for I begg no other thing of thee for my self And now it vses to comfort me to heare the Clock strike for so me thinkes I am growne a little neerer to the seeing of God though it be but a little because one hower more of my life is past At other times I find my self in such sort that I neither take much pleasure in liuing nor yet me thinkes haue anie great minde to dye and so in the meane time I remaine with a kind of stupiditie and darknes of minde in all things and manie times I also haue some troubles And since our Lord was pleased that those Fauours should be publiquely knowne which his Diuine Maiestie vouchsafed to shew me as he himself had told me some yeares agoe that they should be which gaue me vexation enough and it is not a little that I haue endured therein as your Reuerence knowes for euerie bodie will vnderstand things as he listes I comfort my self yet with this that it hath not ariued by my fault because I neuer spake of anie such thing but either to my Ghostlie Fathers or others who I knew euen by them had vnderstood thereof For of this I was very warie euen to extremitie though yet perhaps I abstained not so much for respect of humilitie as in regard that I had paine enough to tell euen my Ghostlie Father thereof and therefore how much lesse would I impart things of this nature to others But now I earnestly desire that Almightie God may receaue glorie by it howsoeuer there be some who murmure at me very much vpon this occasion though euen yet I thinke they may peraduenture doe it with good zeale And there are others who are afrayd euen to treat with me in anie kind yea and euen to receaue the Confession of my Sinnes and others say also other things But how soeuer since I vnderstand that it hath pleased our Blessed Lord to reduce manie Soules by this meanes and because I see clearly and remember continually how much himself would be pleased to endure for the gaining of one Soule I allow my self to take little trouble for anie thing which men can say of me And I know not whether or no this may not haue been a part of the cause why his Diuine Maiestie hath placed me in this little Corner of the world where I am so shut vp and where I thought there would be no more memorie of me then of a thing which was dead But their forgerfulnes was not so great as I wished and so I haue been constrained to speake sometimes with some persons Yet howsoeuer I am not now where the world may easily see me for it seemes that our Lord hath been pleased to driue me from Sea to this Port and I trust in his Diuine Maiestie that it will proue a very safe one for me And since now I am out of the world and find my self in the companie of few but they holie Creatures I looke downe vpon the world as from a place which is very high and so it is growne to be of little moment with me what they below doe either say or thinke And I would make much more account to vnderstand that anie one Soule should haue profited to the weight of one little graine in God's Seruice by my meanes then of all which can be sayd of me in anie kind For since I haue found my self in this place our Lord hath been gratiously pleased that all the desires of my hart might haue no other ayme but this And he hath also giuen me euen a kind of sleep in this life which makes me find that whatsoeuer I see is but dreaming nor am I able to say that I reape either much contentment or trouble by anie thing of this world And if yet some things giue me anie it passes away with so very great speed that I euen wonder at it and it makes but iust such a kind of impression vpon me as a thing would doe whereof I had dreamt And it is a most perfect truth that although I should afterward haue a peice of a minde either to be glad of anie contentment or to be sorrie for anie mis-accident and trouble it is really no more now in my power but iust so as anie man who were discreet would take either trouble or ioy from a dreame of his owne For now our Blessed Lord hath already been pleased to awake and open the eyes of my Soule from out of that follie wherein it was And whereas by my not being mortifyed nor dead to the things of this world I was wont to haue much feeling of such things as hapned his Diuine Maiestie is pleased now that I should loose my true sight no more In this sort Sir doe I liue now and I
vvho are vertuously inclined And hence flowed downe my teares togeather vvith an indignation to consider vvhat I found in my self for I saw that still I vvas as vpon the pitch of returning to fall againe although my firme purposes and desires did then I meane so long as those fauours lasted stand fast and firme A great incoÌ„uenience it is for a Soule to find her self solitarie and single amongst so manie dangers and me thinkes that if I had anie Creature to whome I might haue imparted all this it would haue holp me not to fall againe at least for shame of the world if I would not be ashamed to offend God I would therefore aduise them who make Mentall Prayer and especially at the beginning thereof to procure some friendship and familiaritie with others who haue the same designe for this is of much importance though it should be for no more then to be assisted by the prayers of one another and how much more when there is such aduantage to be gotten also otherwise And for my part I cannot tell why since by meanes of conuersations and humane inclinations euen although they be not excellently good men procure to get some friends by whose meanes they may vnwearie themselues and may find an encrease of contentment by recounting their vaine pleasures to one another it should be so much as permitted that such as beginne to loue and serue Almightie God in good earnest should forbeare to impart both their delights and their afflictions to some fitt persons since such as vse Prayer are acquainted with both For if that Creature be in earnest who desires to hold frieÌ„dship with his Diuine Maiestie there needs to be no feare of Vaine-Glorie and when that Soule should be set vpon by anie first motion therof he would easily get out of it with merit And as for me I belieue that he who should communicate therof with others to this intention would both profit himself and those that heare him and would prâ—â—e to be better taught both in his owne vnderstanding part and in knowing also how to instruct his friends He who should be subiect to Vaine-Glorie for speaking vpon such an occasion as this would also not faile to haue it by being seen to heare Masse with deuotion and by doing other things also to which he is yet expresly bound vpon the paine of being otherwise no good Christian And yet these things must not be forborne vpon the feare of a man's being subiect to Vaine-Glorie Now this is a point of so extreame importance for the benefit of all such Soules as are not yet strengthned and established in Vertue who want not both so manie Aduersaries yea and friends also to incite them to ill that I know not how to expresse it with earnestnes and aduantage enough And to me it seemes as if the Diuel loued to vse this deuise as a thing which imports him very much Namely that men should hide themselues as carefully from such as can vnderstand them who would procure to make them loue and giue gust to God as he hath earnestly incited others to discouer their intemperate desires Which latter course is yet so much taken and followed that it passes for a kinde of gallanterie to talke of it and so vpon the matter they publish the offences which they committ against Almightie God by this meanes I know not whether they be impertinencies which I vtter if they be your Reuerence may be pleased to teare them and if they be not I beseech you Sir assist and instruct my simplicitie by adding much to them vpon this subiect For the busines of the Seruice of Almightie God goes now so weakly on that they who procure to serue him had need support and succour one another that so they may be able to get forward so very much are the vanities and foolish entertainments of the world growne to be in fashion and in such sort that there are few eyes in the world to discerne their fault But if anie bodie on the other side doe but beginne to giue himself to Almightie God there are so manie who will murmure at him that he shall finde himself to haue need enough to get companie which may appeare in his defence till such time as he be confirmed in not being troubled for what he is put to suffer which if he chance not to be he may perhaps grow to see himself in some straights And perhaps this may haue been the reason why some Saints haue vsed to retire themselues into Deserts But as it is a kinde of humilitie not to put anie confidence in a man's self so yet is it no sinne against pietie to belieue that God will not faile to help him to liue amongst them with whome he is obliged to conuerse But thus Charitie by being communicated will grow to be encreased and there are a thousand other benefits which belong to this way of proceeding where of I should not aduenture to speake if I had not great experience of the much importance heer of True it is that I am both the most weake and the most wicked of as manie Creatures as were euer borne but yet still I am apt to thinke that whosoeuer will humble himself though he be strong and will yet not belieue so much of himself but in this will giue belief to another who is endued with experience shall neuer loose anie thing by the bargaine Of my self I am able to say thus much that if our Lord had not discouered this truth to me and had not also giuen me meanes to treate in very vsuall manner with such persons as had the knowledge and practise of Mentall Prayer I had still walked on with falling and rising till I had euen dropped downe headlong into Hell For I wanted not manie friends who would not faile to help me to fall but towards the recouering and raising me vp I found my self so absolutly alone that now I am no lesse then amazed to consider how I remained not still laid flatt and I praise the mercie of Almightie God for it was he and only he who gaue me his helping hand Let him be blessed and praised for euer and for euer Amen THE EIGHTH CHAPTER She treats of the great good it did her tovvards the not loosing her Soule not to haue vvholy giuen-ouer her Prayer As also vvhat an excellent remedie that is tovvards the gaining of vvhatsoeuer good thing vvhich is lost She persvvades all Creatures to vse it and declares the great benefits therof and although vve should aftervvard leaue it yet that still it vvould proue a great good to haue vsed so great a help for some time I Haue not without cause been considering and reflecting vpon this life of mine so long For I am able to discerne well enough that no bodie will haue gust to looke vpon a thing so very wicked And really I would be glad that all such persons as should reade this Discourse might abhorre
me to see a Soule so pertinacious and so vngratefull towards him who had vouchsafed it so great Fauours And I wish I could get leaue to declare that multitude of times that I failed of my obligation to Almightie God in this number of yeares by reason that I was not applyed to and supported by the strong pillar of Prayer I passed through this tempestuous Sea almost twentie yeares between these fallings and risings though I rose il-fauourdly enough since I returned againe so quickly to fall in this kind of life tending towards perfection but yet in so base a way as that I made no account at all of Veniall Sinnes and for such as were Mortall it is true that although I feared them yet I did not euen that as I ought since I absented not my self from the danger therof but I will be bold to say that it is one of the most painefull kindes of life that can possibly be imagined For I neither enioyed the sweetnes of God nor yet the satisfaction of the world When I found my self in the contentments of the world the remembrance of what I owed to God gaue me paine and whilst I was conuersing with his Diuine Maiestie the inclinations affections of the world gaue me disquiet And this is a kinde of warre so very painefull that I know not how it was possible for me to finde meanes to endure it for one moneth and much more how I could doe it for so manie yeares notwithstanding that I yet clearly see the great mercie which Almightie God shewed me heerin since I was to treat of manie things in the world that still I should haue the courage to giue my self to Prayer I say courage for as for me I see not what one thing there is of so manie as are to be found in the whole world wherein there is need of a greater then to treat of committing Treasons against a King and to know that he knowes it well and yet neuer to goe out of his presence For howsoeuer it be very true that we are alwaies in the presence of Almightie God yet me thinkes that they who conuerse with him in Prayer are in his presence after a more particular manner for they are seeing then that he sees them whereas others may perhaps remaine some dayes in his presence and yet without remembring that he lookes vpon them True it is that within that time there were I beleiue manie moneths and sometimes peraduenture a whole yeare that I kept my self from offending our Lord and gaue my self much to Mentall Prayer and I also vsed some yea and manie diligences that I might neuer grow more to offend him And because all that which I write now is to be deliuered with entirenes of truth I declare my self heer as you see But I remember little of those good dayes and therefore it may be thought they were few and the ill ones manie yet few of those few passed away without my allowing a good long time for Prayer vnlesse I were either very sick or extreamly busie The worse I was in my health the more I was vnited with God and I procured that such persons as vsed to be with me at those times might be so too and I begged it of our Lord and we spake very often of him And so vnless it were that one yeare of which I haue spokē in eight and twentie yeares which haue passed since I beganne first to vse Mentall Prayer I haue endured this battaile and strife of treating both with God and the World more then eighteen yeares In those other yeares whereof I am yet to speake the cause of the warre was changed though of it self it was no inconsiderable thing but in regard that I was then as I conceaue in the seruice of Almightie God and in a knowledge of the vanitie of whatsoeuer this world can be it did all proue delightfull and pleasant as I will shew heerafter Now the reason why I haue related all this is First as I was saying before to the end that the mercie of Almightie God togeather with my ingratitude may be well discerned And Secondly that it may be also vnderstood how great a blessing Almightie God doth to that Soule which he disposes to vse Mentall Prayer with a good affection and will though yet it should not be so very well disposed for it as were fitt for in fine if he perseuer therein what Sinne soeuer he committ and whatsoeuer Temptation be offered and whatsoeuer Falls be giuē him in a thousand strāge fashions by the Diuel I hold in fine for certaine that our Lord will draw him at length out of the Storme into the Port of Saluation as now by all apparance he hath drawne me and I humbly beseech his Diuine Maiestie that I may neuer returne againe to be lost Manie holie and good men haue written of the benefit which he obtaines who exercises himself in Prayer I meane Mental Prayer and glorie be to Almightie God for being the cause thereof and yet if that were not true though I haue little humilitie yet am I not withall so insolent as that I would presume to speake vpon this subiect But of that whereof I haue some experience I may vet presume to say somewhat and it is this That whosoeuer hath begunne to frequent the vse of Prayer I wish him not to giue it ouer whatsoeuer sinnes he committ in the meane time since this is the meanes by which he may recouer himself againe which he will find to be of much more difficultie without it And let not the Diuel tempt him to leaue it as he did me vpon a pretence of humilitie but let him firmly belieue that his words can neuer want truth who sayd That if we will repent our selues in good earnest and resolue to offend the Diuine Maiestie no more he restores vs to the same friendship which we had before with him and doth vs the same fauours vvhich he did vs before and sometimes they proue to be much greater if the repentance deserue it And vvhosoeuer hath not yet begunne this exercise I beseech him for the loue of our Lord that he vvill no longer depriue himself of so great a benefit There is nothing to be feared heer but much to be desired For though a man should not proceed so farr as to striue to gaine such perfection as may prepare and as it vvere deserue those gusts and regalo's vvhich God is vvont to giue to such persons yet the least vvhich he shall get vvill be that he shall be going on in the vvay to Heauen And I know so much of the mercie of Almightie God that I may conclude for certaine enough that no bodie euer tooke him for a friend whome he did not well requite for his paines For Mentall Prayer is no other thing in my opinion then a Treatie about making Friendship with Almightie God and a frequēt and priuate Commerce hand to hand with him by