would have believed us Yes Why not now when your judgement is blinded Oh the judgement of God! Call it as He calleth it Correction Oh my miserable heart Oh death A dead man cannot perceive himselfe dead and God quickneth the dead Oh if he would inlarge my soul This desire is good But it is without savour God in mercy will yeeld you a comfortable rellish Consider I pray you whereas you may object the Lord is strong and terrible Exod. 34.6 it followeth Mercifull withall But I am backward in seeking it He is gracious more forward than you can be backward But I have provoked him Hee is slow to anger But my sins are great But he is abundant in goodnesse and truth The Lord hath promised that He on his part will be our God and we on our part shall be his people For a while he commended him to God shortly after returning he prayed with him Cast your burthen upon the Lord. He hath rejected me Who made you his counsellor Deut. 29.29 Secre◠things belong unto God but revealed things to us wil◠you make Almanacks He doth manifest it Oh my abominable bringing up of youth he withall groaned most deeply If you had done as the justest man you should stand need of Christs merits I or another may bring arguments but it belongs unto God to fasten them upon the soule I say to you as Noah said to Japhet Gen. 9.2 God shall enlarge Japhet c. What if your sinnes were as crimson God can make them as snow Isai 1.18 That is true of those that are capable Behold we make your estate our owne we have part of your sorrow who hath thus disposed our soules thinke you God And doe you thinke that he which causeth us to love you doth not love you himselfe I feare I did too much glory in matters of private service to God The nearer we come to God the more we see our owne vilenesse This is the use I make of it Blessed be God who hath not put our estate in the devils hands but kept it in his owne The devill hath now removed you and you thinke that all is gone out but God knows what and who is his An artificer can distinguish drosse from mettall and cannot God his from yours Well with Job lay your hand on your mouth Job 40.4 and hold your peace and so good rest have you Only consider your comfort though it be but small whence it comes from Gods word and servants no otherwise When he returned againe to give and take farewell he began to complaine Oh great and grievous The Lord knoweth what power he hath given you A father will put a greater burden on a stronger son but see the difference First when an earthly father or Master setteth his servant or son on worke they must doe it with their own strength but the Lord setteth on worke giveth strength too Be not discouraged you are now in your calling Oh my soule is miserable What then a father loveth his son as well when hee is sleeping as waking Ioh. 14.26 The holy Ghost calls to remembrance what you have heretofore taught and now heard and although I shall bee absent in body yet shall I be present in minde Be not covetous to seeke abundance by and by If Jacob could say to Esau Gen. 33.10 I have seen thy face as if I had seen the face of God much more should you thinke so of the children of God Christ come unto you I thanke God he hath begun to ease me He will in his good time God grant Thus hee tooke his last farewell Although we depart from our friends in the way yet we shall meet in the end One told Master Dod that he had uttered such words Now the Lord hath made me a spectacle Whereby he counselled one that attended him to be sparing in admitting commers in or speakers lest his braine should bee too much heated A friend of his comming to him asked him Dare you any more repine against God Why should I so God bee blessed It is a signe of grace But I have no means You have had them offered But not given with effect They shall I doubt not God grant but I feele it not He received a letter from a friend very respectively and much respected of them both wherin these words were written I heard I know not how true that our deare Christian friend Master Peacock is in great danger which hath much grieved and afflicted my soule and wrung from me very bitter teares if his extremities be such his tentations sure be like to be very sore Tell him from mee as one who did ever with dearest loving affection know and converse with him that I can assure him in the word of life and truth from a most just and holy God whose Minister I am that he is undoubtedly one of his Saints designed for immortality and those endlesse joyes in another world When it was read to him at these words I can assure him he said Oh take heed take heed Do you thinke that he would or durst assure you unlesse hee knew upon what grounds I deceived my selfe now God hath revealed more Another time one requested him that hee would make his friends partakers of the least comfort that the Lord had bestowed upon him as they had been partakers of his griefe If I had it I would gladly communicate it Search and take notice of the least How should I have any sense God denyeth the meanes Doe you thinke sense is a fruit of faith Yes At this season * For it was in the deepe of Winter Decemb. 4. 1611. although though the husbandman hath sowne much yet he sees nothing above groūd Applications doe not prove hold your peace my soule is broken Then the promise is yours I would gladly aske you one thing Now you will aske twenty Doe you seeke for grace in your soule I cannot How then can you know whether it be there or not It is dead The Lord in whose hands the disposing thereof is disposeth it for your good and his glory I thanke you What do you think of that place Joh. 20.23 Whosesoever sins ye remit they are remitted unto them You know how far they may goe The bargaine howsoever is not now to be made betwixt God and you Shortly after came one whom he much esteemed Oh I love said he your company for the grace that is in you and much more to the same purpose Suddenly after he breakes out into this ejaculation Oh God reconcile me unto thee that I may taste one dram of grace by which my miserable soule may receive comfort One secretly willed that man to desire him to repeat it againe Doe not trouble me with repetitions There being a Sermon he bad them about him to goe thither After he called one and asked him Whether the preacher being acquainted with his course of preaching did use his
terrible horrours I thanke God I never continued in any known sin against my conscience He was willing that wee should pray with him Kneeling downe he said He was then uncapable of prayers Afterward hee kneeled downe of his owne accord shortly after he broke out into such speeches I damnable wretch Those are not your words saith one you cannot deny but you have good experience of Gods mercy c. I cannot Then be comforted for Whom he once loveth he loveth for ever Yet Satan took such advantage at his infirmities that though he could finde some comfort yet no particular assurance You have lived profitably saith one I have endeavoured You are now humbled and the Lord lookes you should aske mercy Master Dod was sent for who being come they were private awhile afterward comming unto him againe Master Dod put him in minde of Gods kindnesse whereof hee shewed him foure parts 1. To take small things in good part 2. To passe by infirmities 3. To be easie to be intreated 4. To be entreated for the greatest sin there is now in you Now for the image of the olde man Adam sin and sorrow there shall be in you the image of the new man in holinesse and happinesse and righteousnesse The life to come might be set out by three things 1. By the estate it selfe happinesse holinesse and glory 2. By the company every one shall love you better than any one even the best can love you here 3. By the place There are three differences between the afflictions of the good and bad 1. From the cause for they come to the good from Gods love 2. In the measure as far as they need and are able to beare 3. In the end for their good Of those former doubts we after heard not a word from him upon the Sabbath day he desired to be alone after noone he was fearefully troubled In his countenance appeared evident tokens of a sorrowfull minde borne up with a weake body his spirit was wounded Satan had foiled him Those his terrible wrastlings with temptations griefes of conscience and restlesse terrours none can understand much lesse expresse but he which felt them Satan had winnowed him and shewed him nothing but chaffe his tender conscience was grieved with the fiery darts of the devill pointed with the edge of sin and sense of Gods heavy wrath as through a false glasse the dazeled eye of his astonished and amazed soule could see nothing but hideously-appearing sinne and the terrible image of death and damnation he had drunke deeply of the dregs of hell his adversary had represented unto him his owne most gracious God as a most severe Iudge displeased angry and chiding with him yea yeelding him up into his clawes that so by this deadly stratagem hee might take from him all hope of help that way and so not only stop the sensible flowing of Gods grace and cut the chaines of Gods love wherewith he had tyed him and would draw him after him but finally break his Christian soule O that you had seen and that wee which were present had had eyes to have seen his seeming forlorne soule with what barkings of conscience and with what too heavy burdens of sin waves of fearefull thoughts blustering blasts and surging stormes of Gods heavy displeasure he was tossed turmoiled and dashed against rockes of despaire more then in danger of his soules shipwrack happy were we if neither through frowardnesse nor blindenesse of judgement wee did inconsiderately passe by or prophanely deride Gods judgements by thinking that they either happen casually or by forgetting of them suddenly If we could but rightly discerne it we should finde nothing more profitable than to have the image of this gracious though now afflicted soule in our consciences hereby wee may see that The righteous scarcely being saved 1 Pet. 4.18 there is no place for the wicked and ungodly to appeare And truly we may thinke that our God even sent it for our sakes that we with whom it is too usuall to dally with God might know Heb. 10.31 that it is afearefull thing to fall into his hands Our faith is tryed in earnest when as the Lord hideth his face from us for if we love God above all it cannot be but that at the losse of the rellish of his favour or least taste of his displeasure our soules should be in bitternesse tormented wounded thrust through yea and swallowed up with desolation It is a wonder to see in the world how we will ride and runne and carefully will seeke physick and use dyet by any meanes to avoid bodily paine and how carelesse we are of the unprofitable fits of the soules mortall sicknesse It is not in our owne power to apprehend grace when we will and a harder matter it is than we can conceive to lift a poore soule up that is cast downe with the sense of Gods wrath If a violent passion may so far transport the minde what may we thinke of this restlesse trembling when the soul after long tossings seeth it selfe drowned and overwhelmed with a deluge of sorrow proceeding from the everlasting threats of shame and confusion of face in the presence of the Almighty Consider the body laden with a burden neither portable nor evitable and thence gather the struglings of an overladen soule Consider a man ready to fall from an high Tower to the Earth and thence gather the estate of another falling from heaven with a spirituall ruin into hell Consider a childe when the mother hideth her face from it and terrifies it with a bug-beare and therein take view of the estate of a poore Christian whose chiefest happinesse having consisted in being joyned and united to his heavenly Father having now lost his presence or being affrighted with the devill as if he were ready to lay hands on him Consider the estate of a debtor cast off by his best creditors and gather that of a Christian being bankerupt with his God Consider the estate of a man once in favour afterward adjudged to death by his Prince without hope of pardon and repriving and gather that of a Christian who after his citation and arraignment at the tribunall seate of God stands condemned and is wholly deprived of obtaining pardon and delivered into the hands of the devill The Lord needs not to seeke wilde beasts to punish us or such like executioners of his wrath to torment us he may finde enough within us all the furies and devils cannot invent a grievouser torment then a wounded conscience One by it apprehended needs not more accusers or tormentors his many thoughts of sins as if he stirred a nest of Waspes come buzzing about his eares and as a man indebted once laid hold of makes him faster daily His loving friends may stand by the prison and call him but he being fast fettered can not come forth You shall see him now in his Purgatory not that Papisticall sin-satisfying fiction the Popes Jayle but that
hot fiery furnace wherein the Lord tries his mettal whether it be good or reprobate And by the way Suppose he had dyed at the worst as in the Lords justice he might to the hardning of those that will not be foftned as no man should rather judge him by the inch of his death than the length of his life so I for my part neither did in him nor doe in my selfe so much feare his death as I did and doe desire his life Gods course in visiting his children is diverse You may observe the courses which God takes in visiting his children to be diverse Some are comfortable and without any great admixture of discomfort Others heavy without horror Others horrible yet all in the end gracious But to leave any further digression and to come agaâ—ne to the matter in hand When one came unto him he brake out into these words Oh how sinfull wofull and miserable is mine estate that thus must converse with hell-hounds He being with those words straightway moved went to call some of his best able friends to comfort him to them he complained that the Lord had cursed him Being demanded how he knew it he answered Why the event shewes it It being replyed how such and such were cursed he answered I have no grace how doe you know then that once you had none I was a foolish vain-glorious hypocrite it is against the course of Gods proceedings to save me he hath otherwise decreed he cannot Put your trust in God I can no more then a horse Doe you desire to believe No more then a post then a horse-shoo I know you cannot deny but you have sought Gods glory Not sincerely There is a secret mixture of pride and hypocrisie in the best I have no more sense of grace than those curtaines than a goose than that block Let the testimony of your life past comfort you especially in the calling of a Tutour I did the businesse thereof perfunctorily when I handled hard authors I came often unprepared and read shamefully Be of good courage and the Lord will comfort your soule It is ended there is no such matter Why doe you thinke so You shall see the event God will bring it to passe Tush tush trifles What doe you thinke of your former doctrine Very good Let it comfort you It cannot You desire it could If it might There is nothing unpossible to God Which stands with his decree Oh oh Miserable and wofull the burden of my sin lyeth heavy upon me I doubt it will breake my soule Behold your comforts Nothing to me I pray you hold your peace doe not trouble your selfe idly you vex me your words are as daggers to my soule Another time some of the yonger sort said remember Sir what good counsell you have given us heretofore These were ordinary You may see many others in the like estate Not such as mine See David What doe you speake to me of David Good Sir endeavour to settle your minde Yes to play with hell-bounds Will you pray I cannot You were wont heretofore Yes by a custome and for vain-glory Suffer us to pray for you Take not the name of God in vaine in praying for a reprobate There you may see the glory of God preferred before his owne salvation rather willing to have the meanes of his owne salvation neglected than the Lord dishonoured Suffer us to pray for our selves Looke to it You would now shew your faculty in praying Can you say Amen No but in a certaine generall fashion One prayed and in the meane time he rested most quietly and when prayer was ended I pray you saith he goe hence to bed trouble not your selves in vaine Let not the devill delude you abusing your minde and tongue I know you speak not these words I wonder that intelligent Schollers should speake this We are perswaded you are in as good estate as our selves One that watched with him asked him Sir how can you discerne this change by the absence of God if you never enjoyed his presence I thought I had once but now I see it far otherwise But God deales with you as he did with the Church Isa 54.8 hee forsooke it a while and hid his face but he returned to it againe and so no doubt the case stands with you Never adde moe afflictions to the afflicted Oh me wretch groaning pittifully Hope no worse of your selfe saith one then we doe of you All of us have seene clearely which way your carriage was still set after the Spirit and we are assured you will come to the Spirit howsoever you seeme to have lost your way To all particulars he would answer generally I doe desire grace I did good outwardly but all hypocritically One asked him Doe you love such a one his most deare and worthy to bee deare friend Yes Why Because of his goodnesse Why then you are Gods childe 1 Ioh. 3.14 for by this marke we know we are translated from death c. Many like forcible proofes he would put off with his former evasions and afterward grew more wary against himselfe either loath to grant any thing or granting it staggeringly or what then fearing he should be pressed He wished that some were put in minde 1. For their great care for buildings and too small care for Schollers in them 2. Their giving so long leave of absence from the Colledge and desired amendment After noone came a worthy Governour of a Colledge in our Vniversity He requested him to be of good comfort and to pluck up his spirit I cannot Why can you not Because I have no grace no more then a stake Why thinke you so By this affliction Doe you desire grace I cannot he spake most strangely I can as well leap over a Church But are you not sorry you cannot desire it I cannot Would you not be in heaven I would not One standing by said the devill would if he could By the way you shall have the opinion of a much respected Minister opposite hereto which he gave in private A proud man saith he will thinke scorne to seeke any good from his enemies so the devils pride will not let him thinke himselfe beholding to God for heaven if he might get it You have saith one the testimony of faith you love the brethren I did not Doe you not love us No. The devill now saith he should be cast into his streights if you should grant this What is it that doth most trouble you I undertooke too much upon me foolishly I had gotten a little Logick and Greek and meanly instructed in the Rules did set my selfe to reade to Schollers and afterward undertooke often businesse which distracted my minde and body from them I have destroyed a thousand soules You may see the falshood of him that suggesteth this unto you you never had a thousand he puts a false glasse before you the good effects of your paines appeares in many of your Scholters Oh they
yea and almost no kinde of senses was left in him upon apprehension of some back-sliding hee was so perplexed that if he had been in the deepest pit of hell he could almost have despaired no more of his salvation But yet every one of these three last named was at length blessedly recovered and did rise most gloriously out of these desperate conflicts and extreamest spirituall misery before their end Heare part of Mistris Breterghs triumphant songs after the returne of her Well-beloved M. Bolton ibid. pag. 85 86. O Lord Iesu dost thou pray for me O blessed and sweet Saviour how wonderfull how wonderfull how wonderfull are thy mercies Lord I feele thy mercy and I am assured of thy love and so certaine am I thereof as thou art the God of truth even so sure doe I know my selfe to bee thine O Lord my God and this my soul knoweth right well c. 2. This following Narration witnesseth with what sweet tranquillity of minde Master Peacock recounted Gods love welcommed his presence when the storme was once over 3. Master Glover saith M. Foxe ibid. though he suffered many yeares so sharpe temptations and strong buffettings of Satan yet the Lord who graciously preserved him all the while not only at last did rid him out of all discomfort but also framed him thereby to such mortification of life as the like lightly hath not beene seene in such sort as he became like one placed in heaven already and dead in this world both in word and meditation led a life altogether celestiall abhorring in his minde all profane doings No arme of flesh or art of man can possibly heale or helpe in these extreamest horrours Heaven and earth men and angels friends and physicke gold and silver nay the utmost possibility of the whole Creation must let this alone (r) Psal 49.7 8. for ever An Almighty hand must take this in hand or else never any cure or recovery in this world or that to come Oh therefore let us take the stinges out of our sinnes betimes and prevent the incureablenesse of their horrible wound by an humble sincere and universall turning to the Lord while it is called To Day (ſ) Heb. 3.15 For assuredly all the sinnes wee have committed in thought word or deed at any time in any place with any company M. Bolton ibid. or to which we have been any waies accessary will one day be stings and scorpions to our naked soules they all are upon record before that high and everlasting Iudge written by the hand of divine Iustice in the booke of our conscience with a pen of Iron and there they lie like so many sleeping Lions gathering much enraged and desperate poison that whensoever our hearts are thorowly rouzed M. Bolton pag. 89. and finally awaked they will flie in our faces tormenting us most ragingly and tearing our wofull soules in pieces everlastingly when there is none to deliver (t) Psal 50.22 Therefore let us consider often in our saddest thoughts Consid 1. 1. Why we came into the world were fashioned in the wombe and drawne out thence 2. Why we were made men and women in the image of God reasonable creatures and not toads or serpents 3. Why we were borne and bred up Christians in the Sun-shine of the Gospel the glorious light of grace and not made Pagans Turkes Infidels or borne in the hellish darknesse of Popish Idolatry but in a Land of righteousnesse Where the eyes of the Lord and the Sunne of righteousnesse are upon us from the beginning of the yeare to the end of the yeare (u) Deut. 11.12 Doubtlesse this is an unspeakable mercy and was not therefore vouchsafed unto us that we should only live to our selves (w) 2 Cor. 5.15 carnally and sensually to eate and drink and get gaine but for more heavenly ends And therefore as ever we hope with comfort to looke the Lord Iesus in the face at that great day let us minde the things that concerne our everlasting peace (x) Luke 19.42 pursue the one (y) Luke 10.42 thing that is necessary and lay up in store for our selves a good foundation against the time to come (z) 1 Tim. 6.19 that we may lay hold on eternall life Consider that our dayes are but few (a) Iob 10 20. we have but a very little time to live here and upon this span-long life depends eternitie let us therefore walke with God (b) Gen. 6 9. and behave our selves here that we may hold out in the (c) Prov. 16.4 evill day It is another place we must all live in for ever The kingdome of heaven suffereth violence (d) Matt. 11.12 and the violent take it by force Many shall seeke to enter in (e) Luke 13.24 and shall not be able What comfort will it one day be to have wallowed in all sensuall pleasures or lien soaking in luxurie and lasciviousnesse when we must ere long lie on our deaths-bed like wilde (f) Isay 51.20 Buls in a net It is good to make hay while the Sunne shines to pray heare reade and repent betimes to store our selves with Oyle (g) Mat 25 10. before the Bride-groome comes lest we knock too late when the doore is shut As wee spend this life so will it bee with us in the life to come therefore live well here that it may be well with us at our latter end (h) Lam. 1.9 3. All the riches Consid 3. honors and pleasures under the Sun will not availe us (i) Prov. 11.4 in the day of wrath It will then no whit profit us to have gained the whole (k) Matt. 16.26 world if we lose our owne soules to have enjoyed the pleasures of sin (l) Heb. 11.25 for a season and to lie weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth in hell for ever O that men were wise and would consider this (m) Deut. 32.29 and that they would remember their latter end The clearest Sun in the Hemispheare that shines most gloriously in the brightest summers day certainely may and who sees it not oftentimes overcast and muffled up in dark clouds ere it be night Who can say the weather shall not (n) Luke 12.56 change with him May not our sun goe downe (o) Ier. 15.9 Amos 8.9 at noone and set sadly under a cloud Nay we must look for changes and chances in this mortall life and therefore daily had need to pray as it is in our Liturgie and waite all the daies of our appointed time (p) Iob 14.14 untill our last solemne change shall come Our soules like a Ship at sea underfull saile are all bound for the faire havens (q) Acts 27.8 of the fortunate Islands I meane everlasting blessednesse who knowes but that he may be sore tost and rent and shattered not able to beare up * 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 Acts 27.15 against the angry surges yea and may hardly