me and lie in my bosome and rise in the morning more strong then at night Ah when my former holy life shall be more terrible then others wicked lives When my former prayers shall be like the gall of Aspes unto me when those duties which should be my comfort are my terrour Alas what can my poor soul do when my present sins and my past duties which of them are the heaviest burthen unto me I do not know what shall I do When I consider these things then the thoughts of the affliction that lies upon me makes me weep a tear or two and my vain heart my deceitfull heart would perswade me that I weep for my sins Those in desertion are in a blessed condition to me they are sad and I am miserable I am guilty of that which their consciences do but accuse them of Alas have I lost my communion with God my sweet communion and the power I had to prevail with him for any mercy almost that I praied for now I can pray and pray and pray and go away without a blessing I can almost be content to be wicked Thou knowest mine heart or else my tears would deceive thee as well as me If they are worldly thoughts that have estranged me from thee thou knowest how to cure me If mine utter impoverishings will cure me let me be as poor as Job If thou wast not such a Physician as thou art I was past thy cure Meditat. III. Lord I am come now to pour out my soul before thee and my tears into thy bosome to tell thee the sad thoughts and sorrows of my heart Ah my God In this bitternesse of my soul and with tears in mine eyes and pride in my heart and sencelesnesse upon my spirit I speak these things Ah Lord thou hast scourged me with scorpions for my sins do encrease as well as my afflictions these afflictions to me are scorpions to me they have poison in them and at once I am scourged and stung with them a sad ease it is when my punishment is heavier then I can bear and yet notwithstanding I go from the presence of God too and that more and more My tears dry up in mine eyes and my love goes out of my heart as soon as kindled When the Candle of the Lord shined upon my Tabernacle in my first conversion when the fire of thy love was kindled in my heart I have had some discourses of devotion that I was not able to bear the ravishment that the remembrance and meditation of them brought to my soul now almost as full of sadnesse as then of joy after those times as those after the Floud My joys and the acts and workings of my grace grew very short-lived in comparison of what they were before Then they were Methusalems for age and Sampsons for strength to what they are now Before though I fell spiritually sick and my strength and comfort was gone yet I was sensible of my weaknesse it was a pain and a grief unto me that I could not walk into the delightful garden of the Spouse and to the sweet bed of his Spices I could weep for want of tears if not I could mourn for want of sorrow but now like a man that hath groaned and strugled so long that he can struggle no longer but grown sencelesse can hardly be perceived to breathe or live If the sweetest musick should be plaid by him or the dearest friend in the world should come and ask him with tears in his eyes Dear Husband or Dear Wife how do you the poor sick one doth not so much as open the eye to see who it is that speaks or if open them they being presently heavy with death fall down again and he dies So is it with my poor soul sometimes I can hear my Saviour as it were saying unto me for sometimes methinks I see him about my sick soul Ah poor Soul how dost thou do Is my Joseph yet living But alas Lord thou knowest I have scarce strength or life to lift up mine eye to thee Lord Can these bones live Can these dry eyes weep Can this frozen heart be enflamed Meditat. IV. Lord I am ashamed to consider what I know of thee when I think what I do for thee Ah my God the cares of the world lie heavy upon me Resolutions though never so strong are too weak to overcome my corruptions Alas I can scarce say any more then I have said in the confessing and bewailing my sad spirituall condition though I have said nothing to what I should say Have I not told thee Lord with tears in mine eyes and with a sad heart that I found my corruptions get ground of me my prayers my tears my resolutions and some endeavours do resist but cannot overcome them these keep them from prevailing so soon but not from prevailing I humbly confesse or desire so to do that I may complain to thee but I should adde to mine abominations exceedingly if I should complain of thee Mine heart doth almost tempt me to it when I consider what I was and what I am It is as a Talent of Lead upon my Soul yet since by my preaching thou art glorified and thy people edified more then if I should spend all my time in private Meditation I am willing to submit only I do humbly beseech thee with tears in mine eyes that though I have lesse time to spend in such private duties yet that my poor soul may not lose her love to them and though I perform fewer duties I may not perform them worse then I did when I performed more Meditat. V. I do much wonder at my self and at many nay somewhat at all Christians upon daies of humiliation but most at my self to hear the tongue of a poor Christian confessing and his eyes weeping for his sins and speaking of them with such expressions and such sighs that one would think Surely this Christian keeps a strict Communion with God surely he would not sin for a world surely God is in all this mans thoughts and yet stay but whilest he hath done his praier and you finde in him such strong thoughts words and actions that are almost incredible loose and idle words and vain thoughts I but too often experience makes it even past hope it should be otherwise with me If any Town that was straitly besieged with cruel enemies should send for aid to such or such and when they came they should send out most of the Town to joyn with the enemy against those that came to help them What we would say of such people Lord just thus are we We have a world of corruptions and temptations sin and hell and Satan all beset us all beset us and violently assault us we pray for the help of God against them day after day We send our prayers to Heaven for assistance Well God doth send his holy Spirit to help this poor soul In the Ministery of the Word tels us
so generally neglected by the peo-ple of God Ans It hath been practised by the people of God both in Scripture as is proved and it is evident that the Psalmes of David are frequently nothing but Meditations though not in this method and by many in our daies 2. It being a private Closet-duty the omission nor performance of it could be taken notice of and so the omission of it could not be reproved nor performance observed 3. The Directions and Instructions for Meditation have been generally very abstruse and intricate CHAP. III. Preparatory Directions concerning some Circumstances belonging to Meditation 1. FOR the place that must be private remote from company and noise Isaac went into the fields our Saviour into a garden and David wisheth us to enter into our Chamber and be still Psa 4.4 and our Saviour bids us enter into our Closet and shut the door the place must be such as must be remote from noise and company or any thing which might distract us in the duty and such a place that we may not be interrupted or forced to break off before the duty be ended it must be also private and remote from the observation of others so that we may neither be heard nor seen because there are divers gestures and expressions which are not convenient for any one but God and ones own soul to be privy to Which of those places you finde to be most advantagious to you in the matters of Meditation you may choose 2. For the Time when The best is in the morning 1. Because it is the first-fruits of the day and the first-fruits being holy all the rest are sanctified 2. Because our thoughts being then not soyled with worldly businesse will not be so subject to be distracted 3. Because the body it self is more serene then after meals and this duty needs an empty stomack not only because the head will be more clear and fit for Meditation but also because many passages of Meditation require so much intention of the minde and servency of affection that they do hinder digestion 4. Because that it being in the morning will have an influence upon the whole day but this is not an universall rule for we reade that Isaac went forth in the evening to meditate Gen. 24.63 and in case the subject of your Meditation be a Sermon then if it may be the best time is immediatly after the hearing of it before your affections cool or your memory fail you 2. For the how long considering the parts of Meditation are so many viz. preparation considerations affections resolutions c. and none of them are to be past slightly over for affections are not quickly raised nor are we to cease blowing the fire as soon as ever it begin to flame until it be well kindled half an hour may be thought to be the least for beginners and an hour for those that are versed in this duty But there are two rules in this particular especially to be observed 1. That as we ought not to leave off our praiers before that temper and frame of heart is wrought which is sutable to the matter of our prayers viz. we should not leave off the confession of sinne till our hearts are made sensible of and humble for our sinnes nor should we leave off our praises until our hearts are filled with holy admirings and adorings of God and inflamed with his love So the end of Meditation being affections and resolutions we should not leave off until those are wrought 2. As in private prayer so long as we finde our hearts enlarged by the pourings of the Spirit of Supplication upon us we are not to leave off unlesse by our continuance in that duty we must omit another duty to which we were more particularly obliged at that time So in Meditation as long as we finde the heart affected we are to continue it But this Caution must be given that in such enlargements we must not continue them longer generally then while they come freely and without much straining and compulsion for that honey that comes freely of it self from the comb is pure but that which is forced by heat and pressure is not so well rellished but this Caution is for extraordinary enlargements for if the heart be dead we must use all means to awaken it But as fire must be blown till it be well kindled but afterwards blowing hinders the boyling of any thing that is set over it So when once our hearts are inflamed and enlarged with holy affections in an extraordinary manner 't is but a hinderance to our affections to return to the Meditation of those Points that raised them CHAP. IV. Rules for the Subject The Division of and Reasons for this Method of Meditation 1. BY no means let it be Controversie for that will turn Meditation into Study 2. Nor nice speculations for they be saplesse without nourishment besides being so light they float in the brain having no weight to sink them down into the heart and indeed were they there they have nothing in them to affect the heart withall 3. Let the Subject of Meditation be the plainest powerfullest and usefullest Truths of God as death hell heaven judgement mercies of God our own sinnes the Love and Sufferings of Christ c. 4. Let the Subject of your Meditation be that that is most sutable to your spirituall wants as in the time of desertion meditate most of the love and mercies of God c. Rules for Meditation it self they are of three sorts 1. Preparatory 2. For the body of the duty 3. For the Conclusion Two things by way of preparation besides the choice of the Subject the first is to be convinced of and to be affected with the presence of God The second is praier for assistance from God 2. For the body of Meditation it self it consists of three parts The first I call Consideration which is nothing but the convincing our hearts of severall Truths that belong to that Subject whereof we meditate As as if the subject of our Meditation be death the considerations may go thus alas O my Soul how and when and where we shall die we know not generally men die sooner then they expect and certain it is whensoever that hour comes we must bid adieu to honours pleasures riches friends and at last our own bodies c. The second part is affections whether it be love of God or Christ or spirituall things despising of the world admiring of God or any other spiritual affection The third part are Resolutions to doe this or that or leave this or that Now that this is the most proper and genuine way of Meditation appears by this 1. Because it is not artificiall and such as requires Learning as those Directions are which wish us to consider the efficient finall formall materiall cause of death the adjuncts concomitants c. which though they may somewhat help the learned yet such hard words and artificial
methods fright the ignorant 1. This is the very method of those Meditations by which every one that is brought home to God is converted For the first thing in conversion is our being convinced of some Truths which conviction raiseth affections for if the truths of God end in conviction and go no further nay if they end in affections only and never come to resolutions of shunning evil and doing good conversion can never be perfected as for example One is convinced that he is a miserable undone wretch by reason of originall and actuall abomination Upon this conviction fear and sorrow are raised yet if these do not work in us a firm resolution of leaving those sinnes we are yet in our sinnes and unconverted 3. There are severall things for the concluding of Meditation as shall appear CHAP. V. Directions for the working of our hearts to be convinced of and affectedwith the presence of God 1. FOR being convinced of and affected with the presence of God it may thus be wrought 1. We are to consider that God is present every where as truly really and essentially as he is in heaven For God did not create heaven to confine him but to manifest his presence for the Heaven of Heavens are not able to contain him for God is neither included by nor excluded from any place and though Jacob saith Surely the Lord was in this place and I knew it not Gen. 28.16 yet we must not imagine that Jacob was ignorant of that truth but did not actually consider it but David in the 139. Psalm is clear in explaining and clearing up the omnipresence of God 2. We must consider that God doth more peculiarly observe his people while they are performing of heavenly duties whether it be while they are speaking unto him or he speaking unto them he doth then more especially observe the motion and frame of their hearts as when we are in any company we do more especially look upon and observe those to whom we speak or who speak to us yet this is to be understood not as if God did observe us more at one time then another in respect of Gods knowledge it self but thus that God is much more offended with us if our carriage and frame of heart be more irreverent and unholy in the time of prayer and Meditation then at such times as we are in the works of our particular calling 3. We may consider with our selves that Christ doth actually behold us especially in these duties of holinesse for it is not the distance of place that doth hin-Christs knowledge and exact observing of us Little did Nathanael think that Christ saw him under the Fig-tree Nathanael did not see Christ nor was he corporally present then yet Christ behold Nathanael when he praied so Christ beheld Steven before the heavens were opened and the opening of the heavens was not that thereby Christ might be enabled the better to behold Steven but that Steven might thereby be the better enabled to see that Christ looked on him without all controversie God knows and observes with what reverence faith love c. we pray for else our praiers would be in vain and our faith also vain for how could he give us according to our faith if he knew not how much our faith were If the inward frame of our hearts were not observed by him then an hypocrite that hath better expressions should get more by his prayers then a true Nathanael that hath a better heart 4. Suppose that thou hadst lived in Christs time or suppose that Christ were now in England consider with what joy reverence and confidence thou wouldest go to him for the pardon of thy sins or for any other mercy thou stoodst in need of Thou maist go so to him now his distance from thee in respect of corporall presence doth not make him lesse able to know thy wants or hear thy praiers nor his being now glorified makes him lesse willing to grant them then if he were bodily present in the room with thee in the form of a Servant as he was once at Jerusalem the glory of Christ doth not hinder his love and goodnesse for Chtist is the expresse image of his Father and God Attributes do not hinder one another The Majesty of God doth not set bounds unto his goodnesse and make that finite nor doth his goodnesse make his Majesty lesse glorious his goodnesse makes his Majesty more amiable and his Majesty makes his goodnesse more wonderfull So neither doth the exaltation of Christ cause him to abate any thing of his goodnesse unto his people but if any way his love be altered it is by being made more then it was and when Christ was upon earth you must have come to him by faith or you could obtain no mercy from him and by faith though he be in heaven you may obtain any mercy now You may consider any one or two or more of these considerations until your heart be so convinced of and affected with the presence of God that you may thereby be the better fitted for the carrying on the duty of Meditation more effectually CHAP. VI. Concerning the Preparatory Praier that is to be used before Meditation THE next Preparatory consideration is Praier and it is to be performed in these words or to like purpose Lord my designe in this duty of Meditation is not to be an hour sequestred from worldly employments for that were to be idle an hour and to encrease my sinnes not my graces but my businesse at this time is to be so convinced and affected with those spirituall Truths revealed in thy Word that I may fully resolve by thy strength and power to reform my life because I can neither understand the things that belong to my peace nor understanding them be convinced of the certainty and truth of them Nay Lord though my understanding be enlightened yet without thee mine affections cannot be enflamed I can neither know resolve nor perrform what is good without thee for from thee comes both the will and the deed of thy good pleasure I beseech thee Lord that thou wouldest give me thy grace to make conscience of performing this duty with my whole strength and not carelesly and perfunctorily And Lord do thou enlighten me with and convince me of thy Truths and so affect my heart with the love of holinesse and hatred of sinne c. that I may thereby be enabled fully firmly notwithstanding all the opposition that the flesh world or devil can make to run the waies of thy Commandements with joy and with speed and when thou hast wrought in me the will so to do give me also the deed and that I may not trust to the strength of my resolutions but to the continuall gracious assistance of thy Spirit for the performance of those things that through thee I shall resolve to do Holy and blessed God Christ hath sent me wishing me to come to thee in his Name for any mercies
fire as soone as ever it begins a little to be kindled for green wood for such are we in spirituall matters will suddenly go out unlesse it be very well kindled CHAP. VIII Concerning Affections KNowledge is for Consideration and Consideration is to raise Affections and the end of Affections are Resolutions as the end of Resolution is Action and the reforming of our lives Our Affections are various according to the Subject we meditate of Sometimes we admire Gods goodnesse his Majesty his Wisedom Sometimes we admire and wonder at our own folly and madnesse that we should live so contrary to our own principles that those Truths that God revealed unto us on purpose that we might improve them to our eternall welfare we should lay by as things forgotten and uselesse as if one that had a receit to cure the stone and were convinced of the excellency and efficacy of it yet should make no other use of it but to reade it over and lay it by Sometimes the affection is despising the world and abhorring our selves in dust and ashes sometimes forrow sometimes joy love fear c. which you may finde abundantly in the Psalmes of David which were but Davids Meditations though not in this Method Now as soon as our affections are much stirred and raised it is time to pass over to resolutions CHAP. IX Concerning Resolutions Rule I. LEt your Resolutions be firm and strong not slieghty let not them be velleities or wishes but resolved pur poses or determinations Do not say with thy selfe Well I see very well that the wrath of God comes upon the Children of disobedience and I must to hell or leave my taking of the Name of God in vain I do not do well to swear and I could wish I could leave it but say thus with thy self I am resolved by the blessing of God whatsoever comes of it to leave my swearing There is no dallying with God nor giving a faint deniall to sin I have heard of one who hearing the sin of Swearing spoke much against by some in whose company he was observed their discourse and said Well by the blessing of God I will never swear more and though he was a common Swearer before he was never since heard to swear one Oath to this day 2. Let thy resolutions be for the time present not for the future Do not say Well I do intend to leave my drinking but for the present I am engaged in such a meeting and for that time I will do as I have done but after that I will think of it and take some order for mending of it this is but one of Satans wiles whereby he coseneth thee of thy whole life by daies which he could not do by years If Satan should say unto thee Thou shalt never repent never leave thy drunkennesse it may be it would startle thee and he would be in danger of getting nothing of thee by asking so much but he tempting thee only to let it alone this Week and afterwards for a week longer c. he obtains the same thing at severall times which he could not obtain at once 3. The third Rule Let thy resolutions be not only against thy sin but against the means occasions and temptations to it for it is better to discern Satan if it may be then to put a Sword in his hand and say thou canst well enough defend thy self against him This is Solomons advice He doth not say to him that would fly Adultery You may talk with a harlot but Be not inticed by her words to uncleannesse he will not give thee leave to go into her house or so much as by her door Pro. 5.8 So when he disswadeth the drunkard from drunkennesse he wisheth him not so much as to look upon the Wine For as the beauty of a harlot so the colour of wine will enflame our desires after it Prov. 23.31 after this manner did Job resolve I have made a Covenant with mine eyes that I will not look on a woman and he resolved not only against the sin it self but against the beginnings and temptations to the sin Job 31.1 and God forbidding the Nazarites wine forbad them to eat grapes lest by that they should be enticed to drink wine Now that I may presse this Rule I shall answer an Objection which generally wicked men are subject to make as thus When we perswade a Drunkard that he would leave his drunkennesse that he would for two or three Moneths resolve not to go into Tavern or Ale-house he cries out of preciseness and saith What do you count it a sinne to drink in a Tavern or Ale-house I answer therefore 1. That when our hearts are affected with the sinfulness of sin and wrought up to a hatred of it we do as when we exceedingly hate any man we avoid all those places where we are likely to meet him I may bid such an one ask God why he forbids the adulterer to walk by the doors of the harlot May he not say Why she lives in such a street and as honest and godly men walk that way as in any other place in the City 2. Consider that Licitis perimus omnes is a good saying we generally perish by lawfull things for in things that are unlawfull we are generally more watchfull 3. Those things that may be lawful to others may not be so to thee Meats that are most nourishing to men in health are poison to one in a Feaver 4. Know this that though to be tempted be not a sinne yet when we have found by experience that going to a Tavern c. hath been a snare and temptation that hath generally prevailed over us then to be tempted with such a temptation is a sin though one yeelds not because by going into temptation which we need not we sinne for if one shall say I resolve that though I do speak with the harlot I will not consent though thou dost so and resistest all her enticements thou sinnest notwithstanding for thou plainly breakest the Command Pro. 5.8 5. But suppose that it were lawfull for thee to drink wine in a Tavern that hast been so often ensnared by it yet one effect of true repentance is an holy revenge by debarring our selves those things which are lawfull taking Gods part against our selves 2 Cor. 7 11. 6. Consider that if thy hatred of sinne and love of God be not strong enough to stop thee from the beginnings and keep thee from the occasions of sinne how canst thou expect that it should keep thee from committing the sinne it self when it hath got some advantage over thee He that cannot stop himself at first will much lesse when he hath rolled down a steep hill half way be able to stop himself for then he fals with more violence and the same strength to hold will not serve then which would at first therefore I shall still continue the advice to resolve not only against the sinne but against the
occasions c. But I must give you one caution viz. that though you finde your heart never so much resolving against and abhorring of any sinne yet take heed that you build not upon the strength of resolutions but beg of God that he would enable you by his strength and that as he hath given you the will so he would give you the deed also It was well observed by one as follows In effect it is true that we doe understand many things by experience which we should not understand by knowledge as this I having oftentimes determined to do many things the one more pious holy and Christian then another and having seen for the most part the issue and effect to be quite contrary to what I determined and on the contrary observing that other pious and Christian things were done by me without my prae-determination or forecast I stood a it were confounded in my self not understanding in what this secret did consist I did not wonder that in things which I determined as a man the contrary should come to passe of that which I would but I did wonder that in the things which I determined as a Christian the same should befall me And finding my self in this confusion it came to passe that I read that Resolution of Saint Peter Though I should die with thee yet will I not deny thee and considering that though the Resolution was pious holy and Christian the contrary of that which he resolved befell him I understand that my determinations had not their issue and effect according to my desire because I did not well consider mine own utter disability to perform any holy and good work So that I understood by experience that although God punished my inconsideratenesse in not suffering that to come to passe which I intended yet on the other side he satisfied my general desire of doing good by suffering that to come to passe which I did not procure nor hope nor pretend unto Whence I have gathered that the will of God is that I should depend on him in such manner that I should determine or propound nothing without holding him before mine eyes shewing unto him my good will and referring unto him the issue and successe of my desires and endeavours CHAP. X. Directions for Vows NOw because Vows do very frequently especially in young beginners follow upon resolutions and because that very many pious and religious persons have been ensnared by rash Vows and after Vows it is not fit to make enquiry therefore I shall set down some Cautions of and Directions fot Vows 1. As we have said concerning Resolutious let your Vows be rather against the occasions of sinne then against sin it self 2. When the subject of your Vows are of things indifferent in themselves 1. Take heed of making any perpetuall vow for the reason why you make any vows against any indifferent thing as in drinking wine c It is because then it was a snare unto you but in processe of time it may cease to be a snare unto you nay it may be a very great snare and occasion sicknesse or death not to drink it as in some cases hath happened 2. Let all Vows concerning indifferent things be conditionall and let these two constantly be two of the conditions 1. That you will abstain from such a thing or do such a thing unlesse you shall be otherwise advised by some godly Minister or private Christian I knew a Religious woman that had vowed to reade many Chapters every day when she was unmarried she made this vow but afterwards in the time of her lying in and other weaknesses the Chapters were so many that she did much endanger the losse of her sight and the neglect of all other duties when her poverty and family grew great Now had she added this Caution to her Vow she might have been delivered out of that snare and though it be true that in many cases a Vow may be dispensed withall when we cannot keep it without sinne as in this case one hath vowed a weekly secret Fast ones health or childe with which one goes will certainly be destroyed by it yet if it be but an inconvenience though a very great one it will not release one from ones vow Now the reason why I adde that condition unlesse some Minister or for want thereof some other godly Christian shall otherwise advise is because the several cases that may happen are so various that it is impossible to specifie them all or think of them all and very difficult to judge of them all when we make the Vow And moreover if we should leave it to our selves we should be too partiall for as when our consciences are much touched for our sinnes we are subject to be too violent in our spiritual revenges so in a little time when that pang is over we are subject to be too indulgent to our selves therefore it is better to say thus Lord I do vow unto thee that I will keep every week a day of humiliation or that I will not drink any wine this three moneths next followiog unlesse some such occasion shall be that if it had then been or then thought of when I made my vow that such or such or some other godly Minister would had I consulted with him then wisht me not to have made that Vow then to say I will do this or that unlesse some such occasion be that were the Vow to be made again I would not make it 2. Adde this Caution viz. If I remember it I will not drink wine this moneth the reason is because if you drink wine though you did not think of it you sinne if your vow be absolute but if it be with that condition it is not a sinne and yet by adding that condition we give our selves no liberty since it is not in our power to forget it The next Caution concerning Vows in indifferent things is this adde a penalty upon the breach of your Vow which penalty is not added by way of hope of Satisfaction that 's grosse ignorance and superstition but it must run thus I will spend half an hour a day in praier for the Church to the end of this moneth or else give so much to the poor and in such a case if we do either we sin not the reason why we should adde a penalty it because some inconveniences may be so great that it would bring some very great mischief upon us and then we have liberty to take the other part of the Vow viz. to give so much to the poor And now this penalty must 1. Not be too light and triviall but it must be of such consequence that it may be a tye upon us and yet not of so great weight as if it should happen it might prove some great inconvenience to us For a rich man to say he will give 6d to the poor is not considerable and yet the same may be too heavy a burthen
Spirit but with worldly businesse or company when I do grieve for my sins carnal grief bears a share in it and carnal joy abolisheth it Meditat. VIII To confesse my sinnes without any sense of them without any hatred of them to pray for grace and not to be sensible of the necessity or excellency of it to come to thine Ordinances without reaping any good from them to think and meditate of thee and neither admire nor love thee nor long and delight to be in thy company to what purpose are these things thou desirest of us our hearts and not our works words or thoughts without that Ah my Lord and my God shall all be in vain and wilt thou cast me off for ever Dost thou hate my soul and am I an abomination unto thee Must I be shut out for ever and never enjoy the sweetnesse of thy presence Thou wilt not O my God thou wilt not thou canst not O my God thou canst not for thou hast made a Covenant with me and I claim that Covenant for I have not any thing in the world besides thy Covenant in the Lord Jesus Christ that I can so much as have the least hope that will do me any good If the Lord Jesus Christ did not sit at thy right hand to make Intercession for me my sins continually daily hourly clamoring against me and accusing of me must needs prevail against me Alas my heart is far from that spiritual frame that thou requirest for the miseries that sinne brings are more troublesome and heavy to me then the filthiness that is in sinne Thy blessings are more lovely in our eyes then thy self Every duty hardens me in my formality Lord thou art the Father of mercies oh have mercy upon me for my case is not the common case of thy people but few few of many may be found whose soul is like my poor soul for where is there any that can say so and yet be so little affected as I am Meditat. IX Mine hopes are false and my fears are true the deadliest poysons do not make me sick nor the excellentest cordials do not comfort me I am not sick of sinne nor doth the Sacrament of the body and bloud of Christ fill me with joy nay rather doth it not fill me with griefs and fears If my sears and griefs were not carnall would they were more but my carnall joys eat out my spirituall grief and my joys also I am as it were like Absalom I hang between heaven and earth I would fain have heaven and yet would not part with earth Oh my Lord Jesus Christ art thou of no more excellency in mine eyes Doth thy love to me raise up no more love in me then to stand deliberating what to do when thou standest with stretched out arms to receive me to thy bosome Canst thou love one that loves thee so little as I do Thou didst love me when I loved thee not at all Why sittest thou so sad O my soul Go cast thy self into the armes and bosome of the Lord Jesus Christ there lie and hear the beatings of his heart toward thee and it may be thou maist be warmed with the heat of his love Christ pours out the boyling streams of his heart-bloud upon thy poor soul for his heart boyled in love towards thee and can thine heart still be frozen Oh Infidelity thou art the poyson of my soul thou with thy cold blasts hast frozen mine heart and keepst it so Lord give me faith or else all thy mercies are in vain Thy love is and hath been too great for me to beleeve Lord thou that lovest me so much as to give me Christ oh love me so much as to give me faith to beleeve it There remains in mine heart no more then the first spark of thy love and the first principle of grace that thou didst put into my soul when thou didst regenerate me All the flames are gone out that were once kindled in me All the fruit and leaves and boughs are stript from me there are all things to do beside bare regeneration I am as an arm cut off so that it hangs only by a little skin a slender thread Lord this is my hope that my corruptions and Satan that have quenched these flames that I have had shall never be able to quench this spark But alas that is a poor comfort that this is all my comfort that I shall not lose heaven though it be a thousand times too great a comfort for such a wretched sinner as I am to have Is it nothing to lose all my comforts all my duties all my sweet communion with thee or at least only so much of these remains as to keep me from being utterly cast off For one that had fared deliciously every day to come to have no more bread then to keep life and soul together though he dies not yet he hath a miserable life Thus thus and far worse it is with me Meditat. X. If I stood clear before thee O my God of those many sins of sencelesnesse under judgements fruitlesnesse under Ordinances mispending of time want of watchfulnesse of mien own waies and for the appearing of the Lord Jesus Christ Only my sinnes of unkindenesse to the Lord Jesus Christ were enough to cause thee to take away thy mercies from me I have heard and read the great mystery of my Redemption of his being scourged and crowned and nailed of his bleeding and dying for me of his great love and such things that if a Friend of this world had done or suffered the thousandth part so much his memory would have been precious Meditat. XI Ah my dear God thou hast been my God and therefore thou art my God how little can my soul know by any thing that I now either do or feel I am fain to fetch evidences and signs from actions done many years since My Praiers and other holy duties were matter of more joy when I did them then now they have terrour in them Now I think I do them not as heretofore I have been assisted by thy grace oh my lost joys and my lost duties where I shall finde you I know not the joys I had formerly and the great zeal of mine heart made me pray but now not out of feeling and zeal but for zeal and joy and I go from praier with a sad heart and an hard heart My praiers come neither from my heart nor reach to my heart Oh my Lord Jesus Christ where are thy motions and the joys of thy Spirit to work thine own work in me why do I walk in this valley of tears not only without comfort but without grace I do even stand astonisht at my self to see the vast difference between my self now and when I was thine When the Candle of the Almighty shone upon my soul and the Spirit of my God dwelt in me then sorrow and weeping flew away Alas I now have scarce any thing left me but
this dulnesse and deadnesse of heart that is the just reason why I shed them and if thou shalt once purifie and inflame mine heart by faith and love I shall shed more tears for my wandring thoughts in praier then now I do for all the abominations I am guilty of Alas Lord the ordinary daies of thy Saints are farre more holy then the daies I set apart for speciall service of thee And their thoughts in the midst of their worldly businesses are more devout and zealous then my thoughts in my prayers were alwaies with thee I scarce did any thing though almost of never so small moment but the reason why I did it this or that way was because it was some way or other more for thy glory Lord It is not thy fault for thou dost wait to shew mercy whether my wretched heart will consent to it or no This I do set down as an infallible trurh and let all the world give thee the glory of it All thy waies are holy just and good and thou dost stretch out thine arms to embrace us it is our fault that we do not run into thy bosome the infidelity and other corruptions that are in our bosomes make us think that thou art not willing to receive us and so we not coming we want that experimentall knowledge of thee that would if we had it make us not so timorous of comng to thee as we are Meditat. XXI Before I begin to write I know I have more cause to write in bloud or tears then in ink Can a Mother forget her childe It is not Can a childe forget the Mother nor is it Can a Mother her childe if the childe forget her or Can there be any case wherein the Mother can forget her childe Lord do thoo awaken mine heart for it is asleep Lord do thou raise mine heart for it is dead Do thou thaw mine heart for it is frozen Lord thou art that celestial fire that enflames all thine Angels with love I have no way but to come before thy presence in hope that at the last I shall be thawed if not inflamed thou wilt not put out the smoaking snuffe of a candle I am such an one enlightned and enflamed though now I send forth nothing but an unsavoury stanch What shall I stand imperfect as I am thus speaking what I may and what I have to say to my God Lord thou hast commanded in thy Word that if an adulterer defile a woman and she cry not out then she shall be put to death Lord infidelity hypocrisie and vain-glory are come to undoe me to defile my soul and they have almost perswaded my soul not to cry out to be ravisht is a great affliction but to embrace the adulterer is an abomination If I cry to men for succour if I go to Ordinances alas the adulterer is a strong man he hath locked the doors of my soul and none can break them open but thou only Lord doe not stand knocking at the door of my heart for the strong man will not and I am kept so fast by my corruptions I cannot come to let thee in Lord break open the doors and come in to help me before I am utterly undone as it was with the Levites Concubine so will it be with my poor soul corruption and corruption and sin after sin will so abuse her that she will be at last dead Alas methinks I look upon my poor soul as one looks upon a Ship tossed among rocks in the Seas one sees it and pities it but knows not how to help it there comes a wave and carries it with violence among the midst of the rocks and makes it reel and stagger like a drunken man and then all in the Ship are fain to pump and toil to save their lives at last it is dasht in peeces and all fain to get upon broke peeces of the Ship to swim to the shore if it may be my soul is even labouring for life Lord what wilt thou do wilt thou be as a man astonisht and as a mighty man that cannot help then I am undone then I may say if thou wilt not then farewell all my duties farewell all my graces and all my comforts which I have had in the dear embraces of my God Ah must I not pray but with my tongue Must I have no more comforts but what poor creatures can give me Lord if I must perish let me perish in thy way let me convert many unto thee Though I know my damnation shall be greater if I perish for living so contrary to mine own doctrine Lord I am a poor miserable man and a more miserable Christian thou art I cannot possibly imagine what but I hope Lord I shall know these daies of ignorance and sin will not alwaies last when my change comes I shall no more sin and repent and repent and sin as I do now Oh my corruptions I hope one day I shall leave you all in the grave behinde me The day is coming when while I am praising God you shall not come and lie as a talent of lead upon my soul and hinder my flight come Lord Jesus come quickly Come while my soul is filled with joy to think of thy coming O my God thou art enough for me enough enough my soul can hold no more Lord I am afraid of the joys sometimes I have to think of thee tears for my sinnes are fitter for me then tears of joy yet I dare not refuse them nay I cannot if I would they are so sweet so sweet Heaven is but a greater measure of them Lord thou art enough enough for them that love thee Meditat. XXII To see a dead man arraied with all the richest clothes still there is more horrour to behold him then delight So my poor Soul looks gashly in all the duties I perform I have a cold and dead soul for all them and more terrour there is in the deadnesse then there is comfort in the multitude of them this I know by experience that one looks upon hell upon whatsoever one looks but up-Christ yet Christ is not sweet unto me my dear Saviour to whom I was so dear Lord Jesus give me a heart that may feel thy sweetnesse I am convinced that thou art so but my poor heart hath not enough tasted the sweetnesse of this Truth that all things are dross and dung in comparison of Christ Lord here is mine estate mine health mine life my liberty and all that I have and had I more I would freely give all give but such a heart as I desire and the same will I consecrate unto thee in spirituall affections all my daies now I think thus with my self When I was most desirous of and addicted to humane learning it was wonderfull delightfull to me to be instructed in some new truth or to have some difficult question clearly resolved To reade the Mathematicks was wonderfull delightfull because they prove such strange things
I should perish make the cords of thine afflictions stronger and if I murmure scourge me while I leave murmuring How true do I finde that saying He that injures forgives not My wickednesse I have committed against thee makes me not able to beleeve almost that thou art or canst be reconciled unto me When I should do more for thee and lesse against thee I shall easilier beleeve thy loves or rather when thy spirit shall shed abroad thy love in my heart I shall know thou lovest me I sigh and mourn and weep over my poor soul but cannot help it Dear Lord Let my tears prevail with thee Pity Pity have Pity upon a poor languishing soul that is even gasping out its last breath It grieves me to see what a sad condition I am in I am not yet in hell and by thy mercy I may never come thither but I am running headlong thither Wo is me that I am constrained to live in Mesech and to have my habitation in the Tents of Kedar Meditat. XXX Lord I pray for mercies and when I have them to see the unsuitablenesse of my spirit to them and mine unthankfulnesse for them brings more sadnesse upon me then to want them All the things I begged of thee for temporall mercies both in carrying me forth and bringing me home and concerning my businesse I went about not finding things in such a sad condition at home yet my heart is the same still as hard and as stony not willing to yeeld it self and all up to thee as if I were more able to order matters then thou Now my heart is subject to murmure that it is so hard when it should mourn Lord thou hast done enough to justifie thy love and thy tender compassions to me if thou shouldest never do more and not only thy justice could not be blamed but not thy mercy My dear God let me not die in thine arms of love except I must die and then let me die in thine arms Meditat. XXXI Accept of my poor praiers and when at the last day when the secrets of all hearts shall be known the hypocrisie and coldness of my desires shall be known and thy goodnesse shall be admired in hearing such praiers as mine are For the light of thy countenance to shine upon and the breathings of thy Spirit to blow upon a garden of Spices is not so much for the advancement of thy free-grace as for thee to shine upon and thy Spirit to breathe upon such a dunghill as I am that sends forth such noisome savours as I do Lord if thou wilt be my God I have a body and a soul I will give thee them 'T is true they are thine already but alas if I had any thing to give that were not thine I would but I have not Meditat. XXXII Lord I wait to see the day of my salvation and the hour when thou wilt shew me thy loves and when I shall lie in thy bosome and arms and hear the beatings of thy heart in love and the soundings of thy bowels towards me and know thine everlasting thoughts of love to me when thou shalt seal the pardon of my sinnes to me and make me reade the counterpain of the Covenant of love between thee and me which thou reservest in heaven and is fair and not blotted as mine is and when shall the day of the love and joys of my espousals return and my thoughts be swallowed up in love Lord why shouldst thou withhold thy love the manifestations of thy love Can thy love love to be concealed from thy Beloved I will wait for the discoveries of thy love I am loth to do any thing before thou comest whom my soul loveth for fear thou shouldest come when I am not looking for thee and thou escapest me I look every praier to see thee come leaping on the mountains and skipping upon the hils as a Row or an Hinde But I see thee not why dost thou put a spark of love into my heart If thou wilt leave me why didst thou cast thy mantle upon me and when I follow after thee say what hast thou done thy loves are better then wine sweeter then honey even more to be desired then life it self Lord if the small sparks and relishes of thy love be so sweet to me what will the feeding on this heavenly manna be If a drop of thy love be so sweet what will the overflowings be If thy smiles bring so much joy what will thy embraces do Lord I long till I am undone with thy love All my carnall and worldly joys undone Lord it is not my unworthinesse that should hinder me nor will hinder thee from bestowing Lord help my unbelief Well Lord if I must walk in darknesse and see no light yet give me thy grace that I may stay my self upon thee my God my life is but short and when the hour of my departure shall come then I shall enjoy him whom my soul loveth and know as I am known then I shall forget the sorrows pains and throws of my travell for the joy that shall be revealed My Bride saith come and the Spirit saith Come Come Lord Jesus Come quickly Meditat. XXXIII I wait for the appearing of the Lord Jesus Christ if thy love be as fire in straw or such like matter lie smoaking and makes ones eyes weep while one strives to finde the fire At last it being able to hold no longer breaks forth into a great flame and the longer it is before it discovers it self the greater is the flame and light when they do break forth Lord whilest I am looking for thy love thou makest me weary let the length of thy stay be made up by the fulnesse of thy presence and greatnesse of thy manifestations when thou comest I seek thee in my praiers and I say O where art thou whom my soul loveth and yet thou sendest me away weeping and mourning I seek on my bed when I awake in the night but I finde thee not I speak with those which have found thee and they tell me nay I know it by thy Word that thou art near to every soul that seeks thee and when a poor soul cries thou wilt answer it then I multiply my praiers and call lowder and yet my praiers are as the winde that passeth away and returns no more O my Lord and my God thy love was strong enough to make thee suffer and thou didst die that thou mightest make known and commend thy love unto the Sonnes of men and now thou hast done all this to manifest thy love and wilt thou hide it from me Creature-love hath wrought strange things in me I have never been weary of their discourses and humane learning how hath it made me ravisht with some learned saying and if thou wouldest discover thy love and shed that abroad in my heart certainly it would work wonders For the Creatures flames of love are but as a blaze that straw makes but is
Thine excellencies are too high for me Wisedome is too high for fools O that thou wouldst take me out of mine own hands and deliver me from my self and howsoever my heart is not importunate enough now I shall thank and praise thee to all Eternity if thou wilt make me thine Thou hast done as much to draw me with the cords of love even to wonder Lord do thou snatch me as a firebrand out of the fire if thou shouldst stay till I am willing without thy making me so I am lost For I shall never part with these painted vanities for all the glory in heaven except thou givest me the eye of faith to see it and a spiritual palat to rellish it Meditat. XXXVIII O Lord wilt thou let a poor sinner lie gasping out his last breath at thy feet and die in thine arms I have abundance of love for the world O that thou hadst it all I am sure I am not nor shall never be at quiet until thou hast it nor would I sleep until I am in thine arms of love My dearest God how comes it to passe that my heart cannot give it self to whom it will Had I a thousand worlds I would give all for thee that I might be thine O my soul why should we stand consulting and contriving what to do God is ten thousand times more then all things Why should we weight a Talent of Lead and a Feather together to see which is heaviest O Lord my soul hath chosen thee long ago I have abundance of experience of the truths of those things which I have beleeved I am thine and thou art my God Thou hast chosen me and I have chosen thee If I should be so vain at any time as to leave thee thou art the same and thy choice fails not Thou Lord which madst me chose thee whilest I had no experience of thy love wilt make me continue my choice Lord that any one should choose hell before thee It makes thee not to be lesse glorious Lord must my blasphemies praise thee I finde so much hell in my heart that it is not troubled in any proportionable measure that there is so much hell in it When I set apart an hour for Meditation and praier then I keep my heart somewhat close but at other times I am little careful to improve what I reade or heart to enflame my heart I had better not set an hour apart and give thee all the day by thinking alwaies of thee Lord I do now acknowledge for then I shall not but if thou shouldest leave me I should be too much given to blaspheme thee Nay blessed God let that never be Lord it shall never be When I consider the desperate hypocrisie of my heart I may every morning expect that thou shouldst give me up to a reprobate sense to commit sinne with greedinesse When I think of these things I pour out my soul within me to think with my self I shall lose my estate a little troubles me to think I shall lose such a friend it affects me more but to think I shall lose my God and become an Apostate that 's a hell unto me I have begged of thee as for my life that thou wouldst not leave me and now I beg O forsake me not utterly To have such a heart that will neither inflame my words nor be inflamed by them is that which hath not been so Lord except thou wilt follow one that will not stay when thou callest and overtake one that runs from thee when thou followest I am lost Well though I am sure my froward and carelesse carriage will justifie thy justice if thou condemn me and magnifie thy mercy if thou savest me Meditat. XXXIX Lord this day is thine own and by being thine is more mine I must now burn without coals about me The time hath been when if I had been cold and dull the Society expressions and examples of others in daies set apart to thee would have enflamed me Now the company I have is water and snow Woe is me that I am constrained to have mine habitation in the Tents of Kedar and yet Lord thou art never wanting Thou sendest forth thy beams of light and heat if I bring not clouds over mine own head I may have enough light from thee Lord when will these daies of sin be ended and the time of refreshing from the presence of the Lord come I come into thy presence but when I am come I am silent and deaf neither able to speak to thee nor hear the sweet whisperings of thy Spirit O that I had a heart to give my self unto thee or that thou wouldest take these poor longings of my soul for a gift and thereupon take possession of my soul My daies of leaping for joy to think of thee are gone and now my daies of sorrow to see mine own vilenesse are come My tears are now my meat and drink O that I had more of them so they were more spirituall I am a poor creature but thou art the rich God My poor heart why dost thou not speak art thou silent what saist thou Is not God a good God what rellish or sweetnesse is there in these words if thou dost not set to thy seal Lord to thy glory though not to my comfort be it spoken Thou hast been a good God to me but I have no comfort from this truth if I never rellish it yet if mine heart will be so wicked as not to acknowledge it yet my hand shall write that which shall witnesse for my God against my self Thou art good patient and mercifull unto me enough to make earth and heaven to wonder at thy goodnesse and my vilenesse ah my God my God must my words go beyond my thoughts of love to thee Lord thou art enough for heaven enough for thy self and art thou not enough for me Try O my Soul try thou wilt never trust before thou knowest this by experience thou knowest abundantly that the creature hath told thee It is not in me this thou knowest by experience and by faith thou knowest it is in God Well then lay all thy weight and strength upon him and none upon the creature Hold upon him with both hands or else thou wilt attribute the greatest failing unto God For as he that stands upon never so strong a place if he lean against a rotten wall he shall fall and one that is asleep when he fals will not know whether fail'd him and so if we do but leave to our own wisedom we shall haply think that God fails Lord I wait I long for thine appearance Thou art enough Lord I know not what to say I am undone without thee Lord I hear the poor fly oh how it flies up and down Now it is warmed and revived with the warmth of the Sunne yesterday it lay still as dead surely Lord if thou wilt shine upon my soul I should be active and chearfull in thy service No marvell heaven
is so full of thy praises when thou communicatest thy self so fully to them the crumbs that fall from thy Table are too much for me these temporal blessings are more then I can challenge yet Lord I cannot be content with them give me thy self and it sufficeth for all is nothing and snares without thee Meditat. XL. Alas my God pride and despair divide my life when I finde any thing I do in some manner as I should I begin to be puft up and think that I do more then some others of Gods people and when I look upon my failings these thoughts begin to arise It is in vain I shall never overcome such corruptions my sins do me more harm by discouraging me then in the commission Meditat. XLI Lord There is no peace until thou hast all our love while our heart is divided between the world and thee we can have no quiet natural Conscience draws one way and natural corruptions another way It is our ignorance that makes us think that there is not enough in thee to satisfie all our desires and to supply our want which makes us joyn the creature with thee When Lord when shall all my thoughts be of thee I am weary of being thus divided Lord if I can dispose of my self I give my self wholly to thee O refuse not that gift which thou hast so often desired thou hast said give me thy hearr Lord mine heart longs whilest thou hast it If thou saist that I do not give my self freely and wholly enough alas nor never shall until thou take my heart and discoverest the secrets of thy love unto me when thou dost that I shall runne after thee Lord here 's my poor soul it lies at thy seet groveling and gasping for life the creature hath left me and I have left the creature and would not that it should have any more of my love but it still wooes me and follows me for my love unlesse thou overcomest these strong corruptions I shall never be at quiet Meditat. XLII Sometimes my heart begins to be fil'd with joy so that I am ready to cry out Thou art mine exceeding joy and then I consider what I shall do for I am afraid that my joy is false When I consider how I came by it whether my praiers have been more fervent and frequent of late or my repentance more profound in the midst of this consideration I can hardly say but think with my self Why should I delay or refrain my enjoyment of God and am ready to say within my self The false joys in God are better then the true joys of the world these joys are too sweet to let go Lord Jesus when thou kissest me with the kisses of thy mouth I will kisse the Sonne lest he be angry Lord thou art too good for me if I may say so how could I ever expect that thou shouldest come near me more The poor love I have makes me say a thousand worlds and a thousand heavens for my God the small beams of the light of thy countenance are so sweet Lord if thou wouldst but continue the joys thou sometimes affordest I had enough I need not the comforrs of the world to make it up nor fear that the afflictions of the world though one need continuall supplies of comforts to support one yet they could not spend them Meditat. XLIII I will go to God saith David he is mine exceeding joy a sweet saying O that there were such a heart in me yet I have an unenflamed heart a frozen heart if I leave all things and my self I should finde thee but these poor joys of the world quench the joys of the Spirit I shut out the glorious beams of thy heat and light and light up the candles of the creatures which have neither heat nor light in comparison of thine When I go about to rejoyce in thee my sins come and tell me that they must be mourned for first Any thing Lord any thing so I may do what is pleasing in thy sight I am willing to stay for my joys while thou art pleased to give them Only I beseech and desire these three things of thee 1. That I may not want grace though I want joys 2. That I may not go about to make up the want of thy joys with carnall joys let me not kindle a fire and walk and rejoyce in the light and sparks of what I have kindled c. 3. That though thou hast kindled joy yet that I may have sorrows that are spirituall Lord how abundantly good art thou to them that love thee I lie under the weight of thy love and thy joy When I come hungry and thirsty to thee to be satisfied with thy joy to the utmost I ie now as a Ship upon the shoar while the Tide of thy joys come and lift me up and carry me into the Ocean of thy goodnesse When Mary Magdalene stood weeping at the Sepulchre thou didst call her by her name and she forgot all her sorrows she left her tears the Sepulchre and the Angel and cried out Rabboni My heart makes me beleeve that I would give the whole world to see Jesus Christ for I think if I could see him I should lie down at his feet and beg his grace and he would not deny me This is part of my weaknesse and want of faith for he hears my praiers as fully and is as willing to grant them now he is in heaven as if he were on earth Lord Jesus thou that never didst deny any poor soul that came to thee for grace and pardon thou never sendest them empty away but grantest their request Have mercy upon me O Lord my need and wants are as many and as great as any of them all and if my sense of my misery be not so great my misery is so much the greater Meditat. XLIV Lord I perceive that spiritual sorrows and spiritual joys are wholly thy work for my sins are as many as great and of as deep a dye as any in the world that is not the sin against the holy Ghost and I am fully and sensibly convinced of it that they are so and yet I am as sencelesse as if my condition were quite hopelesse for were it not so could I possibly be so seared as I am Thou hast said I will take away the stony heart Lord if thou wilt work who or what can hinder My corruptions and my sins have and do harden my heart by having and committing them Nor will they soften it by considering them What hinders thee from taking away the infidelity and stoninesse of my heart If that hardnesse and infidelity doth why that is the thing to be cured If I were not sick I need not a Physician Lord I say not this to justifie my self for it is thou of thy free grace that must justifie me for I am lost And so for joys and comforts though I reade and hear of the comforts that thou pourest
more then to hear the same sinne reproved in publike yet he should as particularly apply it then though he had not in this respect so much reason to apply it as I have to apply these words to mine own soul For the Minister doth not nor can actually and particularly intend every one that is guilty of the sinnes he reproves for he knows not every particular person that is guilty of the sinne he reproves as God doth every one that reades his word Therefore let us take this and apply it to our selves as if God had sent these words written with his own hand to me in particular When it is said that the Scripture is written for our learning c. Rom. 15.4 I conceive the meaning is not only by way of sufficiency but by way of intention efficacy and decree in respect of his people that is not only that there is a sufficient matter in Scripture to instruct us but that God did intend and decree that this place of Scripture should instruct every particular one of his people that is instructed by it 3. And indeed what is the reason that I now reade these words and do now intend to meditate on them Is it not or certainly it ought to be that I should try whether I am such and whether I have such an heart and spirit as these words signifie and if I am not so much as I ought to be that I should humble my self and be as truly sensible and as much affected and much more then I am with those bodily infirmities that lies upon me and if so be there were a receit given me which I had a long time sought for and endeavoured to get being assured that if I had it it would cure me Surely I should not only reade it because I might be able to tell others what would cure such a disease or to enable my self to discourse of that matter but I should read it with abundance of joy and unquestionable resolution to take it Alas Lord why do I not reade thy Word so also where the unquestionable remedies of all spirituall diseases are set down Surely it is my seaselesnesse of the mischiefs of these spiritual distempers that makes me so little affected with grief for them and with joy that I have found out the remedies for them 4. Blessed God it is no more in my power to know thee by the strength of mine own abilities if thou dost not menifest thy self and thy truths unto me then it is for me to see the Sunne without the Sunne therefore Lord do thou take off the Veil that is upon my heart and understanding and that which is upon thy Truths I reade in thy word that my blessed Saviour did rejoyce in spirit and give thee thanks because thou didst hide thy Truths from those that were wise and prudent and reveal them unto babes O that I were of the number of those babes to whom thou wouldest reveal thy Truths Lord give me a powerfull spirituall experimental knowledge of the Truths that are included in these words 5. And holy and blessed Father If thou wilt be pleased to let me know thy minde in thy Word though thy commands should be never so crosse to my corruptions my base corruptions which have hindred me from a world of joys grace and communion with thee which if it had not been for them I might had long ago I will do it by the power of thy might Lordforbid that I should be so wicked as to enquire of thee the Lord which I do or should do as often as I reade the Scripture as we reade the Jews did desire the Prophet Jeremiah to enquire of thee for them though they were resolved before-hand what to do Yet they said they would do whatever thou shouldest command whether it were good or evil Oh that I had at least a heart to resolve to serve thee If I must want let me want riches health liberty rather then grace Rather let me want strength then want a will to serve thee I had as good sinne unwillingly as to do what thou commandest unwillingly Lord give me truth in the inward parts 6. Those things that lie plain in these words is that those that are of a poor and contrite spirit that tremble at the Word of God are highly esteemed of him So that poverty of spirit and contrition of spirit and trembling at the Word of God are the three things that are here so highly commended and prized by God 7. But now let us seriously consider whether we are thus qualified Am I poor in spirit Those that are so have low thoughts of themselves and are not troubled that others have low thoughts of them too They like reproofs better then praises They do not murmure under afflictions but rather wonder they are no more afflicted Is it thus with us 8. Lord If there be any thing of poverty of spirit in me if I take reproofs well or afflictions in any measure patiently certain it is it is not at all from my self I was born with as proud a heart as any and certain I am that I did not change mine own heart Thou takest away the stony heart we do not give thee it 9. But alas Lord I am far from being poor in spirit in any measure according to that which thou in thy Word requirest My passion and the boylings of my heart my loving to be called Rabbi and to be esteemed by others and many other distempers and corruptions of that nature which I have daily to struggle withal evidently prove the pride of my heart nay and the afflictions that thou laiest upon me plainly show what the corruption is that thou intendest especially to cure by the Medicine ofttimes one may know what the disease is and Lord it is in vain if there were no other end in it then to manifest my distempers to thee for me to confesse the secret pride of mine heart the strange windings turnings depths and strange and new Monsters of pride and hypocrisie that I might daily discover in my self Alas Lord thou knowest these altogether and since thou dost so what cause have I to wonder that thou shouldst shine upon such a dunghill as I am But Lord thou that only canst cure me of this pride and hypocrisie of heart for my praiers cannot nay though I consider and am convinced of the desperate wickednesse of mine own heart the vilenesse of my nature the abominations of my life yet these cannot work without thee as a Plaister though it be never so excellent laid on the wounds of a dead man it draws not it heals not so are all considerations and convictions to a dead heart 2. But alas what is there in me whereof I should in any measure pride my self For others to have good thoughts of me is no very strange thing for so they had of the Scribes and Pharisees but for one that knows the basenesse of his own heart the carnal grounds
manner and ends of his actions and a thousand other distempers and corruptions for such an one to have high thoughts of himself is one would think impossible But that as to God nothing is impossible that argues power so to such a heart as every one hath by nature nothing is impossible that argues sinne and we have more cause to wonder that we have not committed the sinne against the holy Ghost then that we have done the evils that we have For certainly had God but given us up to the strength of our own corruptions and to Satans subtlety and malice to improve them we had committed that sinne long agoe and alas what good doth the high esteem of others do us Are we ever a whit the more holy because they think us so Nay hath it not proved a means to make us more sinful God hath abundantly declared his wrath against this sin by that vengeance which he hath poured out upon Satan for being guilty of it How many severe threatnings are there in the Word of God against pride and how many precious promises to those that are humble The Lord beholds the proud afar off but to this man will he look that is of a poor and contrite spirit and trembles at his Word 3. What are the things that cause thee to pride thy self Are they thy gifts either of edification or sanctification Consider that 1. They are very mean scarce any of thy calling hath weaker gifts of edification and no Saint under heaven hath weaket gifts of sanctification 2. Suppose thy gifts were great O what a heavy account must there be for mispending such talents What way canst thou worse mispend them then by priding thy self in them Do men praise thee Alas thou maist go to hell with their praises for so did the Scribes and Pharisees Do all men speak well of thee and dost thou pride thy self and rejoyce in that Fear and tremble at what our Saviour saith Woe unto you when all men speak well of you for so did their Fathers of the false Prophets 3. Consider how unkindely thou dealest with God thou dost as a woman that should deck her self with the jewels that her husband had given her nay that she should give away these Jewels to those with whom she plaied the harlot the more to entice them Is not this the act of an imperious whorish woman as God himself doth phrase it Ezek. 16.30 and do but reade that Chapter and you shall see whether you have not abused all the blessings of God more then they did They spent them in honour to and in worshiping of Idols and can one make a baser Idol in the world to fall down and worship it then ones self 4. Let us consider what are the remedies of this sin 1. Consider how much hell there is in thy heart What a base and vile wretched nature thou hast Consider what the Scripture speaks of men in their natural condition and be sure the Scripture which was written by the Spirit of God doth not use to do as those vain men do who when they praise or dispraise care not whether their expressions are true or false so they be high enough and they rather strive to speak as much as they can then as much as they ought surely whatsoever the Scripture hath spoken is made good to the utmost by those that are in hell and would by every man on earth did God withdraw his restraining sanctifying grace and were those sparks of hellfire that is in every one by nature blown up to a flame and heightned by those sufferings that are there inflicted 2. Consider how little good and how much corruption there is in our best actions from what carnal principles upon what carnal grounds and for what carnal ends we perform our holy duties surely there is more sinne in our best actions then ever yet we have discovered in our greatest abominations Do but meditate upon those severall considerations set down in the meditation of our sins and it will be a great preservative and remedy against pride Lastly Resolve with thy self never unless the glory of God may thereby be advanced to speak or do any thing that may cause others to have high thoughts of thee or at least not to that end Whatever good duties thou dost whether of prayer or alms c. as secretly as may be Let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doth Though thou art exceedingly to be humbled for thy sins because they offend and dishonour God and scandalize Religion yet let not this at all trouble thee that thereby the esteem that men have of thee is much abated To conclude pray earnestly as if thou wert to pray for thy life for it is thy life that God would humble thee desire God to afflict thee or use any means that he would sanctifie to that end and when thou hast finisht thy Meditation consider what passage hath most affected thee and keep it in thy thoughts that by often thinking of it thou maist be humbled and made to be of a poor and a contrite spirit that God may delight in thee and that thou maist delight in him Now to the King eternal the immortall invisible and only wise God be honour and glory for ever and ever Amen MEDITAT I. Of the End for which we were Created Preparation 1. BE convinced of and affected with the presence of God 2. Desire of God to assist thee with his Spirit Considerations 1. Consider God did not create thee for any need he had of thee for though thou shouldest doe all that he commands thee thou art an unprofitable servant to him and thou comest wonderfully short of doing what God commands but only to declare and exercise his bounty and goodnesse to thee in bestowing upon thee his grace in this life and his glory in the life to come but as it is in Deuteronomy plainly set down Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart and all thy strength and all thy minde and to this end he hath enriched thee with understanding to know him Remembrance to be mindefull of him Will to love him Imagination to represent his benefits to thy thoughts eyes to behold the wonders of his works and a tongu to praise him c. 1. Thou being fully convinced of this thou wilt plainly see that it evidently follows which is the next thing to consider that whatsoever is contrary to this end that hinders thee in or from knowing loving serving and enjoying of God must be avoided and abhorred as the greatest mischief that can befall thee in the whole world 2. The second thing that plainly follows from this is That thou shouldest be little or nothing troubled for the losse of any thing which though thou losest thou maist notwithstanding serve God thou maist lose thy riches and yet thou maist be holy therefore thou must not mourn nor grieve for the loss of friends of health c. 3. Nor
oftner I have not enough delighted in that duty 'T is strange that that which is the happinesse of heaven I should finde so little delight in well for this next Moneth I will spend one hour a week in meditating upon the mercies and love of God His mercies are enough and great enough surely to take up so much time for in heaven Eternity is little enough to admire them Conclusion 1. Pray desire God that he would by his Spirit blow these coals of mercies that he may enflame thy heart with love and joy and praise of him alas otherwise the judgements of God will not affect us nor the mercies of God enflame us 't is the Spirit that quickeneth else mercies will not profit 2. Praise God Call upon thy soul again and again awaken thy heart let it not be so drowsie at a work of so great importance 3. Acknowledge that were thy heart ought thy mouth and thy heart would be filled with the praises of God acknowledge that is no want of matter and motives of praise in the truths which thou hast considered but thy heart is so dead that nothing almost will work upon it After the Meditation is ended think with thy self what truths did most affect thee c. 2. Write down thy resolution c. 3. Go unwillingly from this duty MEDITAT III. Of Sin 1. BE convinced of and affected with the presence of God 2. Desire God to assist thee in this Meditation Considerations 1. Consider seriously how much God abhors sinne and how odious it is to him this you may see both by what God hath said and what God hath done to shew the abhorrence of it 2. Sinners it is said that God loatheth them and they lothe God Zec. 11.8 and God by his Prophet crieth out saying O do not this abominable thing which I hate How often doth God professe his hatred of sinne if one should spit in a mans face or lay toads or Serpents in his bosome or whatsoever you could imagine it could not be so abominable to him as sinne is to God he hates it more then we hate hell how can we know any ones hatred of any thing but by his expressions and his actions suppose you should see one take some curious costly or rare dish of meat which he loved above any meat in the world and because there was some small crum of another meat which he had an antipathy against he should fling all with violence and detestation away were not this enough to satisfie you that he abhorred that meat a crum whereof made him abhor that which he so much loved Suppose you should see one take a Watch whose wheels and all the rest were cut out of intire Diamonds and spying some little small and almost indiscernable spider in it should fling it to the ground with so much violence that he should break it all to peeces it would evidently argue how much he detested a spider What excellent Creatures are Angels and yet because a sinne though but of thought was found in them how doth it cast them like lightning into hell Suppose further thou shouldst see the meekest wisest man and lovingst Father in the world taking his Son and scourging of him with rod after rod until that he wereall of gore bloud from head to foot and though he cried out and begged of his Father to spare yet he would not spare him but scourged him to death Would you not say that the Sonne had done somewhat that the Father did wonderfully abhor Hath not God dealt thus with Christ Did he not chastise him until he shed bloud from the Crown of the head to the sole of the feet Did not Christ die under his correcting hand Did not Christ cry out again and again Father if it be possible let this cup passe from me And did he not love Christ more then any Father loved his Sonne and all this because Christ was guilty of sinne though but as a Surety these things are not inventions of wit or rhetorick but reall truths If the destroying of Sodom Gomorrha Jerusalem Angels and the most part of Adams posterity and the whole world save eight persons If the Sufferings of Christ be not enough to satisfie thee of Gods hatred of sinne then thou maist go on to thy own destruction but know this that it will be bitternesse at the last 2. Consider what thou dost when thou sinnest every sinner doth virtually put heaven and Christ and God and his favour and loving kindenesse and all his promises in one scale and that pleasure profit or honour which sinne promiseth with a wounded conscience the torments of hell the wrath of God in the other scale and doubtlesse virtually a sinner choosech sinne with all these mischiefs before the service of God with all his mercies It is as if a sinner should say Rather then I will not satisfie my base lust I will part with God with Christ with heaven and all I will suffer his wrath let God do his worst I will have my will Every obstinate sinner doth in his heart say thus and though now thou little imaginest it yet at the day of judgement this will be made as manifest to thee as if it were writ with a beam of the Sunne Things that now seem lesse consequent shall then be made evident A wicked wretch that sees one of Gods people hungry naked imprisoned and doth not relieve him he little thinks that is all one as if he had seen Christ so and not reliev'd him but at the day of judgement Christ will make it manifest unto him 3. Consider how often thou hast sinned against God Every unconverted man doth nothing else his plowing is an abomination all his imaginations are only evil and that continually Nay though thou art one of Gods people yet David cries out that his sinnes are more in number then the hairs of his head and dost thou think thy sinnes are fewer then Davids How many years hast thou lived how many daies hours minutes thy sinnes are more The Hour-glasse that runs hath not so many sands in it as the sinnes that thou committest in that hour If thou dost not beleeve this consider that there is not one of thy thoughts words actions but is polluted with abundance of sins If thou saist Our Father since thou dost not speak it with that reverence attention fervency faith love joy confidence admiration of his goodness and many other which we are engaged to have when we call God by the Name of Father thou becomest guilty of all the contrary sins and many more that are not named in speaking that one word in thy prayer not as thou oughtst Fear not making thy sinnes seem greater or more than they are 4. Consider further for what trifling vanity nay for what base things that thou wilt be ashamed to own before men thou hast lost God lost thine own soul if thou returnest not and hast brought on thy self more miseries than
the tongue of man can express or the heart of man conceive there is nothing that thou seest with thy eyes or hearest with thy ears or feelest with thy hand is more certainly true than this But alas because thou hast heard it so often and God of his infinite goodness and patience hath not made thee yet to feel the stroak of his justice and the misery due to sinne thou wilt not believe him though his threatnings be never so clearly set down and with much earnestness 5. Consider against what precious mercies what sweet love what blessed experience holy inspirations what abundance of means strong resolutions precious promises clear light c. thou hast sinn'd Affections 1. Pray to God to help to a further sence of the sinfullness of sinne Blessed God must all these considerations pass as a Serpent on a stone without making any impression upon my soul Lord give me an affecting knowledge of the sinfullness of sinne and not have such slight thoughts of sinne as I have had but grant that I may esteem of sinne as thou esteemest it 2. Talk with thine own soul about this matter O my soul are these considerations true or false if thou thinkest them false bring thy objection shew wherein the error lies which thou canst never do but if they be true as certainly they are how comes it to pass that we have made nothing of sinne 't is in vain for us to put off the sense of our sinnes untill it be too late 3. Be confounded and ashamed in the presence of God Alas O Lord my God as a thief is ashamed when he is taken or as a woman is ashamed when her adulteries are found out by her loving husband so and a thousand times more I desire to be confounded and ashamed in thy presence when I consider how abominable my life hath been and how that I have committed my abominations even in thy sight and provokt thee to thy face and had not thy patience and mercy been infinite thou couldst never have stood out against so many provocations I had been in hell roaring and blaspheming long before this day and then I had been past prayers and past mercies and past pardon What shall Isay unto thee O thou preserver of men to excuse my sinnes I cannot I have nothing but the multitude of thy tender compassions and thy free grace in Jesus Christ to flie unto Lord lay my sinnes home to me to humble me and to break my stony heart but lay them not to my charge to condemn me If thou hadst not in thy word promised forgiveness to sinners through Jesus Christ I could no more hope to obtain pardon than even the devils themselves Resolutions It is enough O my soul and too too much that we have been undoing our selves and provoking God thus long that we have as it were with all our power pull'd down the vengeance of God upon us and as it were kindling his wrath against us but he hath not suffered his whole displeasure to arise nor suffered us to perish though we would blessed be his Name that we have not committed the sinne against the holy Ghost which we certainly had done had he given us up to the strength of our own corruptions and to the power and malice of Satan to improve them to our destruction Is it true indeed that God saith Yet return and I will save thee doth he stand with stretcht out arms doth he indeed stand with stretcht out arms to imbrace us is it possible he should be so gracious to forgive such and so many sinnes and of such long continuance Well blessed be God we will go unto him and never offend him more We will hereafter whensoever we are tempted unto sinne say What sinne against such love such mercy such experiences offend that God that hath pardoned us that hath done such things for us and is not content with that but hath promised to do more I will not hereafter stand parlying with temptations but I will cry out unto God and say Lord help me for I suffer violence and in particular I am in some measure sensible that I pray not with that fervency and reverence as I ought to do for the time to come I shall by the blessing of God mend that I am too passionate well since God hath been so gracious as to forgive so many so great so grievous sinnes that mine own heart is not able to understand their vileness or number I will not hereafter be troubled when I hear my neigbour or underling or when I hear my fellow N. use such or such taunting words against me I will not be provoked by this or that despite or contemptuous trick that he or she doth use against me but rather I will endeavour to say or do such a thing to gain his good will and to pacifie his anger conceived against me for certainly his injuries are not comparable to my sinnes and yet God forgive me them there is a difference between I. N. and me I am resolved I will go to him and be reconciled this very day or if I cannot I will pray for him and speak well of him this very day if I have occasion to speak of him at all howsoever I will pray for him now Conclusion 1. Pray desire God that he would increase thy detestation of sin and that thou mightst as well hate sinne as leave sinne and that he would not let any spark that hath been kindled by his own Spirit go out in thee Say unto him Lord I do not beg riches I can go to heaven without them please thee without them but I beg of thee grace and strength against corruptions pardon of sinnes if thou deniest me these I am undone 2. Praise God Blessed be thy Name that my heart hath been in any measure affected with the hatred of sinne that I have in any measure known and considered the things that belong to my peace thou mightst have suffered me to drop into hell and never to have thought of it before I had been there but thou hast not dealt so with me 3. Acknowledge thine own unworthiness of so great patience as God hath exercised towards thee thine inability to think any of those good thoughts that thou hast had c. as is in the first Meditation After all think what passages most affected thee 2. Write down thy resolutions c. 3. Go unwillingly from the duty MEDITAT IV. Of Death 1. BE convinced of and affected with the presence of God 2. Pray for his assistance Considerations 1. Canst thou not remember that thou wert by such an one when he died didst thou not see how his countenance failed his eye-strings broke how he grew weaker and weaker at last grew speechless how he throtl'd in the throat how his teeth grated how he sweated and strugled for life and at last gaspt and died consider that thus thou must do likewise how soon the Lord only knowes that thou
and cunning adversaries came to ensnare him in his words so that they thought it were impossible for him to say I or No to their Questions without extraordinary prejudice to himself yet he answered with such admirable wisedom and innocence that they went away ashamed of their folly Nay when Satan himself came and set upon him with his subtlest temptations that he could possibly finde out yet our Saviour without deliberation and study immediatly answered him so fully that he could not so much as reply but was fain to fly to another temptation and no marvell for he was the wisedom of the Father 3. Consider the wonderful and exceeding holiness of Christ when he was in the height of all his Agonies and Sufferings he abated not any thing of his love and confidence in God For his Sufferings did not make him forget or diminish any thing no not in the least circumstance of his graces or of any thing that the Law required at his hands To be so freely willing to have that Agony continue which was unspeakable and as the torments of Hell if his Father pleased was more then if those in Hell should freely submit to endure the torments they suffer The holinesse of those in heaven is not comparably so much greater then the weakest Saint on earth As the Holinesse of Christ was greater whilest he lived on earth then that of those in heaven Nay all the Saints on earth are fil'd from his fulnesse For he is the Fountain that conveys to his Saints as they are able to receive the infinite Ocean of the holinesse of the God-head No marvell that the Angels when they saw his glory cried out Holy Holy Lord God of Sabbaths 4 Consider that notwithstanding all these infinite Excellencies in Christ he thought it no robbery to be equall to the Father yet how exceedingly did he humble himself and how gracious was he The poorest man or woman in the world nay the greatest sinner that truly repented with what love did he receive them He was the Son of Righteousnesse from whom the Angels receive their glory and yet he disdains not to shine upon such dunghils as we are It is strange O my Soul to consider how willing Christ was to please every one only provided it was in things that were not for their hurt that desired them Many times nay most times when others were with him when he in respect of himself only would have done otherwise yet he did as their desires required Rom. 15.3 The Apostle saith even Christ pleased not himself many times when he was hungry If any came to him that needed Instruction or if he were sleepy and any came to him that needed consolation he would abstain from meat and sleep that he might do them good It is not so with great men but it was so with Christ who was the great God Affections and Resolutions 1. Admire the Excellencies of Christ O blessed Saviour thou art the chiefest of ten thousand Thou art altogether lovely Thou hast a Name above all Names that at thy Name every knee should bow Thou Lord art set at the right hand of the Father in the heavenly places Farre above all principality and power and might and dominion and every Name that is named not only in this world but also in that which is to come Thou art the brightness of thy Fathers Glory and the expresse Image of his Person Consider O my Soul what can these words mean Surely if God commanded all the Angels to worship him when he brought him into the world how much more should we for whom he hath done much more admire and adore him in Spirit and in Truth Be confounded and ashamed that thou art not more affected with these things Doubtlesse O my Soul It is not for want of excellency in Christ for he is the Lord of glory but for want of a clearer Faith in thee to behold his excellencies If the Scripture had not spoke the thousandth part of Christ as it doth how could thy thoughts have been lower of him then they are how could thy heart be more sencelesse It is a shame that every vanity should steal away our hearts from Christ much more abominable is it that our very sins that murthered him should ever prevail with us in the least Pray Blessed God 't is not in man by all his wisedom and industry to know or be affected with the Excellencies of Christ if thou dost not reveal them If I had a thousand worlds they were too small a price for so great a mercy O shew me thy self and thy Sonne and it sufficeth And now O my Soul are the Excellencies of Christ nothing unto us Do we indeed admire them Surely all is but meer words and vain thoughts if we do not strive as farre as we may to imitate him in those Excellencies for which we pretend to admire him Are we patient as he was meek humble holy who when he was reviled reviled not again c. We do but deceive our own souls in giving glorious titles and speaking high things of Christ and in the mean while not endeavour to transform into his Image It is impossible we should love him for his patience and holinesse and not love patience and holinesse not yet never care to practise and get them Therefore for the time to come the life of Christ shall be the example whereby I shall endeavour to frame mine And that I may the better do so I will reade over especially the New Testament and observe in every particular what Christ did how he spoke to his Friends to his Enemies how he demeaned himself in every action whether civil or natural or Religious how in all his Relations And when I have written them down I shall often peruse them and shall endeavour in every action that I do and word that I speak to remember if I can whether there be any parallel instance in the life of Christ if there be I shall make that my patern and do likewise but if there be none that I can think of then I would do that which in my conscience I think Christ would have done in like case For the Conclusion I refer you to the Directions and Instances of former Meditations The Conclusion of the whole I Found a great deal of difficulty in writing this small Treatise of Meditation not in the doctrinal or directory part because Christian experience and study are things by which that party is managed but in the setting down of instances and examples therein I found the difficulty to lie For Meditation is an harder work then to give Directions thereunto aand I have generally found it easier to study a day then to meditate an hour but of all the kindes of Meditation whereof Instances are set down in this Book I found the greatest difficulty in those of Solemne Occasionall Meditations they consisting for the most part of praier which the devout soul when it hath ended
what we should do to overcome these enemies and sends many motions of the Spirit to bring into our souls grace to strengthen us We will not do what he adviseth us to do nay but we take part with our corruptions and resist and fight against the power of the world to come Oh thy patience is not to be understood I am weary to think before I go to prayer how little fruit I expect from them I pray and pray and weep and reade and hear and sigh and confesse these as well as other of my sins and yet as a Ship in the Sea they do divide my corruptions for the present but they presently return to their former course Lord do not the bowels of thy compassion yern within thee to see me thy poor Servant in such a miserable condition as I am in Dost thou not see how sin and corruption do as it were lie gnawing upon me and eating up my very flesh and destroying my soul and I have neither hand nor foot to move against them Lord who is it that must make me hate corruption is it not thy Spirit Who must overcome my resisting of thy Spirit is it not thy Spirit Lord I do not know in the world what to do to leave off striving were not only to despair of thy goodnesse because thou dost not help as much and when I will and besides if I cannot get ground nay though notwithstanding I lose ground yet doubtlesse I shall not go so swiftly down stream as if I strove not at all if I must be forsaken by thee to all Eternity yet Lord let me not while I live so fall that I should be a scandal to Religion Alas Is it come to this O my soul that I must say If God will forsake me for ever Meditat. VI. In the most serious addresses of my soul to take hold upon God I finde an unhappy frozennesse benumme the best of my devotions and thereby I shew either that I am extremely ignorant of thee Lord or what is worse senselesse of thee The truth is I may justly tremble when I come to keep any day of humiliation in thy sight not only because of the desperate sins I am gulity of but specially because such duties do work little or nothing upon me and this is sure enough that those Ordinances that do not foften do harden I am in a great straight my Conscience drives me upon duties and I dare not omit them and yet my heart is so hard and filthy that they do not purifie me So I am more defiled then before Ah my God thou knowest what afflictions are bitter and strong enough to purge these corruptions Lord send them and though I am so vile that I do not now fervently and earnestly enough desire to be cured but yet Lord I know my want of desires of Reformation is one of my greatest corruptions I desire to be cured of that or at least Lord thy fatherly goodnesse I hope will take care to cure me of that and Lord this I know that when thou shalt send any such affliction upon me I shall it is too likely murmure and be weary of the chastisement of the Lord It may be I shall pray for the taking off of that corrasive before it hath eaten away that deadnesse of heart and other corruptions that now lie upon me yet Lord do not yeeld to such praiers go on with thy cure and if I be impatient cure that corruption also and every other corruption that shall appear in the time of cure of any corruption we shall blesse thee one day for not hearing and not granting such praiers as shall be for our spirituall harm Lord Death is very bitter unto me surely it would not be so bitter if there were no root of bitternesse in me If I kept a stricter communion with thee in this world I should long for a full communion with thee in heaven for ever Meditat. VII Since our dear Lord Jesus Christ hath loved me and given himself for me oh that my heart was ravisht with his love oh that he was the beloved of my soul and that I were sick of his love who died for the love of me Oh that I could not be staied but with his flaggons This my Jesus the chiefest of ten thousand hath told me that he that saw thee saw the Father whereby I understand that thou art just as he was as pitifull as gracious as willing to forgive as sweet and as easie to be entreated as my good Saviour and in all the things and passages that thy Word hath made known to us of him I reade not of one of all that came to him not one poor soul that ever beg'd any grace or any pardon nor never did any come to be healed of any bodily disease in vain Lord thou art as he was Lord Jesus thou art as thou wast thy being in heaven makes thee not lesse like thy Father or thy self Blessed God I do beseech thee I do beseech thee to give me to give me thy poor hard-hearted Servant a soft heart Lord Jesus I beseech thee thou seest mine hard my poor heart desire as imperfectly as coldly to make Intercession for me me for whom thou hast paid a dear price as one that hath been so long from his Friend that he can hardly call to remembrance what countenance he hath So I poor I that cannot chuse but pity the sad condition of mine own heart which though it doth not uncessantly and importunately desire grace as it should yet methinks it is a sad thing to see it in such a carelesse temper I am such a stranger to thee that I have much a do to make one thought of thy sweet love and excellencies that may affect my heart and bring the sweet apprehensions of thee to remembrance Thy tender mercies and former relishes of thy goodness are to me like the shadow of death they are as Christ walking upon the waters they terrifie me Lord let me weep thee to me again Oh my God I am undone undone undone a poor undone creature Those in desertion are in a thousand times better condition then I am they want the comforts but then indeed they have the graces of the Spirit but is not my poor soul that wants both in a sad condition that can sit down and fall asleep when I should seek my Saviour I have a soul of such a temper as makes me wonder at my self as in the Spring and sometimes there will come a cloud that will seem to overspread the Heavens and yet on the sudden all will be blown over and the day so fair that there will not be a cloud to be seen So am I sometimes my heart is full of sorrow and mine eyes full of tears and yet upon the suddain my heart loseth that sweet sad temper and all is blown over and not a cloud appears and these clouds of grief are not dispersed with the comforts and joys of thy