How now what left alone An unmannerly Piece of Deformity Methinks he might have had Sense enough to have made Love to me But I have found Men strangely dull for these last Ten or Twelve Years Sure they 'll mend in time or the World won't be worth living in For let Philosophers say all they can The Source of Woman's Ioys is plac'd in Man Exit Enter Learcus and Euphronia Doris following at a Distance L. to Eu. I must tell you Mistress I 'm too mild with you Parents shou'd never intreat their Children nor will I hereafter Therefore in a word let Oronces be lov'd let Aesop be hated let one be a Peacock let t'other be a Bat. I'm Father you are Daughter I command and you shall obey Eu. I never yet did otherwise nor shall I now Sir but pray let Reason guide you L. So it does But 't is my own not yours Hussey Do. Ah Well I 'll say no more but were I in her place by the Mass I 'd have a tug for 't L. Daemon born to distract me Whence art thou in the Name of Fire and Brimstone Have I not satisfy'd thee Have I not paid thee what 's thy due And have not I turn'd thee out of Doors with Orders never more to stride my Threshold ha Answer abominable Spirit what is 't that makes thee haunt me Do. A foolish Passion to do you good in spight of your Teeth Pox on me for my Zeal I say L. And Pox on thee and thy Zeal too I say Do. Now if it were not for her sake more than for yours I 'd leave all to your own management to be reveng'd of you But rather than I 'll see that sweet thing sacrificed I 'll play the Devil in your House L. Patience I summon thee to my Aid Do. Passion I defie thee to the last drop of my Blood I 'll maintain my ground What have you to charge me with Speak I love your Child better than you do and you can't bare that ha Is 't not so Nay it 's well y' are asham'd on 't there 's some Sign of Grace still Look you Sir in few Words you 'll make me mad and 't were enough to make any Body mad who has Brains enough to be so to see so much Vertue ship-wreck'd at the very Port. The World never saw a Virgin better qualify'd so witty so discreet so modest so chast in a word I brought her up my self and 't wou'd be the death of me to see so vertuous a Maid become a leud Wife which is the usual Effect of Parents Pride and Covetousness L. How Strumpet wou'd any thing be able to debauch my Daughter Do. Your Daughter Yes your Daughter and my self into the Bargain A Woman 's but a Woman And I 'll lay a hundred pound on Nature's side Come Sir few Words dispatch Business Let who will be the Wise of Aesop she 's a Fool or he 's a Cuckold But you 'll never have a true Notion of this Matter 'till you suppose your self in your Daughter's place As thus You are pretty soft warm wishing young Lady I 'm a strait proper handsome vigorous young Fellow You have a peevish positive covetous old Father and he forces you to marry a little lean crooked dry sapless Husband This Husband 's gone abroad you are left at home I make you a Visit find you all alone The Servant pulls to the Door the Devil comes in at the Window I begin to wheedle you begin to melt you like my Person and therefore believe all I say so first I make you an Atheist and then I make you a Whore Thus the World goes Sir L. Pernicious Pestilence has thy Eternal Tongue run down its Laram yet Do. Yes L. Then go out of my House Abomination Do. I 'll not stir a Foot L. Who waits there Bring me my great Stick Do. Bring you a Stick bring you a Head-piece that you 'd call for if you knew your own wants L. Death and Furies the Devil and so forth I shall run distracted Eu. 'Pray Sir don't be so angry at her I 'm sure she means well tho' she may have an odd way of expressing her self L. What you like her meaning Who doubts it Off-spring of Venus But I 'll make you stay you Stomach with Meat of my chusing you liquorish young Baggage you In a word Aesop the Man and to Morrow he shall be your Lord and Master But since he can't be satisfy'd unless he has you Heart as well as all the rest of your Trumpery let me see you receive him in such a manner that he may think himself your Choice as well as mine 't will make him esteem your Judgment For we usually guess at other People's Understandings by their approving our Actions and liking our Faces See here the Great Man comes to Do. Follow me Insolence and leave 'em to express their Passion to each other to Eu. Remember my last Word to you is Obey Do. to Eu. aside And remember my last Advice to you is Rebel Exit L. Do. following him Eu. Alas I 'm good natur'd the last thing that 's said to me usually leaves the deepest Impression Enter Aesop. They stand sometime without speaking Aes They say That Lovets for want of Words have Eyes to speak with I 'm afraid you do not understand the Language of mine since yours I find will make no Answer to ' em But I must tell you Lady There is a numerous Train of Youthful Virgins that are endow'd with Wealth and Beauty too who yet have thought it worth their Pains and Care to point their Darts at Aesop's homely Breast whilst you so much contemn what they pursue that a young Senseless Fop's preferr'd before me Eu. Did you but know that Fop you dare to term so his very Looks wou'd fright you into nothing Aes A very Bawble Eu. How Aes A Butterfly Eu. I can't bear it Aes A Paraquet can prattle and look gawdy Eu. It may be so but let me paint him and you in your proper Colours I 'll do it exactly and you shall judge which I ought to chuse Aes No hold I 'm naturally not over-curious besides 't is Pride makes People have their Pictures drawn Eu. Upon my word Sir you may have yours taken a hundred times before any Body will believe 't is done upon that Account Aes Aside How severe she is upon me You are resolv'd then to persist and be fond of your Feather sigh for a Periwig and die for a Cravat-string Eu. Methinks Sir you might treat with more respect what I 've thought fit to own I value your Affronts to him are doubly such to me if you continue your provoking Language you must expect my Tongue will sally too and if you are as wise as some would make you you can't but know I shou'd have Theme enough Aes But is it possible you can love so much as you pretend Eu. Why do you question it Aes Because no
in her mind To imitate him she prepares Her fancy strait was on the Wing I fly quoth she As well as he I don't know why I shou'd not try As well as he to sing From that day forth she chang'd her Note She spoil'd her Voice she strain'd her Throat She did as Learned Women do Till every thing That heard her sing Wou'd run away from her as I from you Exit Aesop running Hortentia sola How grosly do's this poor World suffer it self to be impos'd upon Aesop a Man of sence Ha ha ha ha ha Alas poor Wretch I shou'd not have known him but by his Deformity His Soul 's as nauseous to my Understanding as his odious Body to my sense of Feeling Well 'mongst all the Wits that are allow'd to shine Methinks there 's nothing yet approaches mine Sure I was sent the Homely Age t' adorn What Star I know not rul'd when I was born But every thing besides my self 's my scorn Exit The End of the First ACT. ACT. II. Enter Euphronia and Doris Dor. WHat in the Name of Iove's the matter with you Speak for Heaven's sake Euph. Oh What shall I do Doris I 'm undone Dor. What ravisht Euph. No ten times worse Unlace me or I shall swoond Dor. Unlace you Why you are not thereabouts I hope Euph. No no worse still worse than all that Dor. Nay then it 's bad indeed Dor. unlaces her There How d' ye do now Euph. So it 's going over Dor. Courage pluck up your Spirits Well now what 's the matter Euph. The matter Thou sha't hear Know that that Cheat Aesop Dor. Like enough speak What has he done That ugly ill-boding Cyclops Euph. Why instead of keeping his Promise and speaking for Oronces he has not said one word but what has been for himself And by my Father's Order before to Morrow Noon he 's to marry me Dor. He marry you Euph. Am I in the wrong to be in this despair Tell me Doris if I am to blame Dor. To blame No by my troth That ugly old-treacherous piece of Vermin That Melancholy mixture of Impotence and Desire Do's his mouth stand to a young Partridge Ah the old Goat And your Father He down right doats at last then Euph. Ah Doris What a Husband do's he give me and what a Lover do's he rob me of Thou know'st 'em both Think of Oronces and think of Aesop. Dor Spitting A Foul Monster And yet now I think on 't I 'm almost as angry at t' other too Methinks he makes but a slow Voyage on 't for a Man in Love 'T is now above two Months since he went to Lesbos to pack up the old Bones of his dead Father Sure he might have made a little more hast Enter Oronces Euph. Oh my heart What do I see Dor. Talk of the Devil and he 's at your Elbow Or. My Dear Soul Euph. runs and leaps about his Neck Euph. Why wou'd you stay so long From me Or. 'T was not my Fault indeed The Winds Dor. The Winds Will the Winds blow you your Mistress again We have had Winds too and Waves into the bargain Storms and Tempests Sea-Monsters and the Devil an' all She strugled as long as she cou'd but a Woman can do no more than she can do When her breath was gone down she sunk Or. What 's the meaning of all this Dor. Meaning There 's meaning and mumping too Your Mistress is married that 's all Or. Death and Furies Euph clinging about him Don't you frighten him too much neither Dor. No my Dear I 'm not yet Executed though I am Condemn'd Or. Condemn'd to what Speak Quick Dor. To be married Or. Married When how where to what to whom Dor. Aesop Aesop Aesop Aesop Aesop. Or. Fiends and Spectres What that piece of Deformity that Monster that Crump Dor. The same Sir the same I find he knows him You might have come home sooner Or. Dear Euphronia ease me from my pain Swear that You neither have nor will consent I know this comes from your ambitious Father But you 're too generous too true to leave me Millions of Kingdoms ne'er wou'd shake my Faith And I believe your Constancy as firm Euph. You do me Justice You shall find you do For Wracks and Tortures Crowns and Scepters join'd shall neither fright me from my truth nor tempt me to be false On this you may depend Dor. Wou'd to the Lord you wou'd find some other place to make your fine speeches in Don't you know that our Dear Friend Aesop's coming to receive his Visits here In this great Downy Chair your pretty Little Husband Elect is to sit and hear all the Complaints in the Town One of Wisdoms Chief Recompences being to be constantly troubâ—ed with the business of Fools Pray Madam will you take the Gentleman by the hand and lead him into your Chamber and when you are there Don't lie Whining and Crying and Sighing and Wishing Aside If he had not been more Modest than Wise he might have set such a mark upon the Goods before now that ne'er a Merchant of 'em all wou'd have bought 'em out of his hands But young Fellows are always in the wrong Either so impudent they are nauseous or so modest they are useless Go pray get you gone together Euph. But if my Father catch us we are ruin'd Dor. By my Conscience this Love will make us all turn Fools Before your Father can open the Door can't he slip down the Back-stairs I 'm sure he may if you don't hold him but that 's the old Trade Ah Well get you gone however Hark I hear the old Baboon cough Away Ex. Or. and Euph. running Here he comes with his Ugly Beake before him Ah a Luscious Bed-fellow by my troth Enter Learchus and Aesop. Lear. Well Doris What news from my Daughter is she prudent Dor. Yes very prudent Lear. What says she What do's she do Dor. Do what shou'd she do Tears her Cornet Bites her Thumbs Throws her Fan in the fire Thinks it's dark Night at Noon day Dreams of Monsters and Hobgoblins Raves in her Sleep of forc'd Marriage and Cuckoldom Cryes Avant Deformity then wakens of a sudden with fifty Arguments at her Fingers ends to prove the Lawfulness of Rebellion in a Child when a Parent turns Tyrant Lear. Very fine But all this shan't serve her turn I have said the Word and will be obey'd My Lord do's her honour Dor. Aside Yes and that 's all he can do to her To Lear. But I can't blame the Gentleman after all He loves my Mistress because she 's â—andsome and she hates him because he 's ugly I never saw two People more in the right in my Life To Aesop. You 'll pardon me Sir I 'm somewhat free Aesop. Why a Ceremony wou'd but take up time But Governour methinks I have an admirable Advocate about your Daughter Lear. Out of the Room Impudence begone I say Dor. So I will but you 'll be as
as a Lover and suspect as a Statesman Do. aside Love and Wisdom There 's the Passion of the Age again Eu. You have liv'd long Sir and observ'd much Did you never see Time produce strange Changes Aes Amongst Women I must confess I have Eu. Why I 'm a Woman Sir Aes Why truly that gives me some hopes Eu. I 'll encrease 'em Sir I have already been in love two years Do. And Time you know wears all things to tatters Aes Well observ'd Eu. What if you shou'd allow me some to try what I can do Aes Why truly I wou'd have patience a day or two if there were as much probability of my being your new Gallant as perhaps there may be of changing your old one Do. She shall give you fair play for 't Sir Opportunity and leave to prattle and that 's what carries most Women in our days Nay she shall do more for you You shall play with her Fan squeese her little Finger buckle her Shooe read a Romance to her in the Arbour and saunter in the Woods on a Moon-shiny Night If this don't melt her she 's no Woman or you no Man Aes I 'm not a Man to melt a Woman that way I know my self and know what they require 'T is through a Woman's Eye you pierce her Heart And I 've no Darts can make their entrance there Do. You are a great Statesman Sir but I find you know little of our Matters A womans heart 's to be enter'd forty ways Every Sence she has about her keeps a door to 't With a Smock-face and a Feather you get in at her Eyes With powerful Nonsence in soft words you creep in at her Ears An Essenc'd Peruke and a Sweet Handkerchief lets you in at her Nose With a Treat and a Box full of Sweet-meats you slip in at her Mouth And if you would enter by her Sense of Feeling 't is as beaten a Road as the rest What think you now Sir There are more ways to the Wood than one you see Aes Why y' are an admirable Pilot I don't doubt but you have fleer'd many a Ship safe to Harbour But I 'm an old stubborn Sea-man I must sail by my own Compass still Eu. And by your Obstinacy lose your Vessel Aes No I 'm just entring into Port we 'll be married tomorrow Eu. For Heavens sake deferr it some days longer I cannot love you yet indeed I cannot Aes Nor never will I dare swear Eu. Why then will you marry me Aes Because I love you Eu. If you lov'd me you wou'd never make me miserable Aes Not if I lov'd you for your sake but I love you for my own Do. aside There 's an old Rogue for you Eu. weeping Is there no way left Must I be wretched Aes 'T is but resolving to be pleas'd You can't imagine the strength of Resolution I have seen a Woman resolve to be in the wrong all the days of her life And by the help of her Resolution she has kept her word to a tittle Eu. Methinks the Subject we 're upon shou'd be of weight enough to make you serious Es. Right To morrow morning pray be ready You 'll find me so I 'm serious Now I hope you are pleas'd Turning away from her Eu. Going off weeping and leaning upon Doris Break Heart For if thou hold'st I 'm miserable Do. to Aes Now my the Extravagance of a lewd Wife with the Insolence of a Vertuous one join hand in hand to bring thy Grey Hairs to the Grave Exeunt Euphronia and Doris Aes My old Friend wishes me well to the last I see Enter Learcus hastily follow'd by Oronces Or. Pray hear me Sir L. 'T is in vain I 'm resolv'd I tell thee Most Noble Aesop since you are pleas'd to accept of my poor Off-spring for your Consort be so charitable to my Old Age to deliver me from the Impertinence of Youth by making her your Wife this Instant for there 's a Plot against my Life they have resolv'd to teaze me to Death to night that they may break the Match to morrow morning Marry her this Instant I intreat you Aes This Instant say you L. This Instant this very Instant Aes 'T is enough get all things ready I 'll be with you in a moment Exit Aesop. L. Now what say you Mr. Flame-Fire I shall have the whip-hand of you presently Or. Defer it but till to morrow Sir L. That you may run away with her to night ha Sir your most Obedient Humble Servant Hey who waits there Call my Daughter to me Quick I 'll give her her Dispatches presently Enter Euphronia Eu. D' ye call Sir L. Yes I do Minx Go shift your self and put on your best Cloaths You are to be marry'd Eu. Marry'd Sir L. Yes marry'd Madam and that this Instant too Eu. Dear Sir L. Not a word Obedience and a clean-Smock Dispatch Exit Euphronia weeping Learcus going off turns to Oronces Sir your most Obedient Humble Servant Or. Yet hear what I 've to say L. And what have you to say Sir Or. Alas I know not what I have to say L. Very like so That 's a sure sign he 's in Love now Or. Have you no Bowels L. Ha ha Bowels in a Parent Here 's a young Fellow for you Hark thee Stripling Being in a very merry humour I don't care if I discover some Paternal Secrets to thee Know then that how humoursome how whimsical soever we may appear there 's one fixt Principle that runs through almost the whole Race of us and that 's to please our selves Why do'st think I got my Daughter Why there was something in 't that pleas'd me Why do'st think I marry my Daughter Why to please my self still And what is 't that pleases me Why my Interest what do'st think it shou'd be If Aesop's my Son-in-Law he 'll make me a Lord If thou art my Son-in-Law thou'lt make me a Grand-father Now I having more Mind to be a Lord than a Grand-father give my Daughter to him and not to thee Or. Then shall her Happiness weigh nothing with you L. Not this If it did I 'd give her to thee and not to him Or. Do you think forc'd Marriage the way to keep Women Vertuous L. No nor I don't care whether Women are Vertuous or not Or. You know your Daughter loves me L. I do so Or. What if the Children that Aesop may happen to Father shou'd chance to be begot by me L. Why then Aesop wou'd be the Cuckold not I. Or. Is that all you care L. Yes I speak as a Father Or. What think you of your Child's Concern in t'other world L. VVhy I think it my Child's Concern not mine I speak as a Father Or. Do you remember you once gave me your Consent to wed your Daughter L. I did Or. VVhy did you so L Because you were the best Match that offer'd at that time I did like a Father Or. Why then Sir I 'll do