THE THIRD BOOK OF THE WORKS OF Mr. Francis Rabelais Doctor in Physick Containing the Heroick Deeds of Pantagruel the Son of Gargantua Now faithfully Translated into English by the unimitable Pen of Sir Thomas Urwhart K t. Bar. The Translator of the Two First BOOKS Never before Printed LONDON Printed for Richard Baldwin near the Oxford Arms in Warwick-Lane 1693. Francis Rabelais to the Soul of the deceased Queen of Navarre ABstracted Soul ravish'd with extasies Gone back and now familiar in the Skies Thy former Host thy Body leaving quite Which to obey thee always took delight Obsequious ready Now from motion free Senseless and as it were in Apathy Wouldst thou not issue forth for a short space From that Divine Eternal Heavenly place To see the third part in this earthy Cell Of the brave Acts of good Pantagruel The Third Book of the Heroick Deeds and Sayings of the good Pantagruel The AUTHOR's Prologue GOOD People most Illustrious Drinkers and you thrice precious gouty Gentlemen Did you ever see Diogenes the Cynick Philosopher if you have seen him you then had your Eyes in your Head or I am very much out of my Understanding and Logical Sense It is a gallant thing to see the clearness of Wine Gold the Sun I 'll be judged by the blind born so renowned in the Sacred Scriptures who having at his choice to ask whatever he would from him who is Almighty and whose Word in an Instant is effectually performed asked nothing else but that he might see Item you are not young which is a competent Quality for you to Philosophat more than Physically in Wine not in vain and henceforwards to be of the Bacchick Council to the end that opining there you may give your Opinion faithfully of the Substance Colour excellent Odour Eminency Propriety Faculty Vertue and effectual Dignity of the said blessed and desired Liquor If you have not seen him as I am easily induced to believe that you have not at least you have heard some talk of him For through the Air and the whole extent of this Hemisphere of the Heavens hath his Report and Fame even until this present time remained very memorable and renowned Then all of you are derived from the Phrygian Blood if I be not deceived if you have not so many Crowns as Midas had yet have you something I know not what of him which the Persians of old esteemed more of in all their Oâ—acusts and which was more desired by the Emperor Antonine and gave occasion thereafter to the Basilisco at Rohan to be Surnamed Goodly ears If you have not heard of him I will presently tell you a Story to make your Wine relish Drink then so to the purpose hearken now whilst I give you notice to the end that you may not like Infidels be by your simplicity abused that in his time he was a rare Philosopher and the chearfullest of a thousand If he had some Imperfection so have you so have we for there is nothing but God that is perfect Yet so it was that by Alexander the Great although he had Aristotle for his Instructor and Domestick was he held in such Estimation that he wish'd if he had not been Alexander to have been Diogenes the Sinopian When Philip King of Macedon enterprised the Siege and Ruine of Corinth the Corinthians having received certain Intelligence by their Spies that he with a numerous Army in Battel Rank was coming against them were all of them not without cause most terribly afraid and therefore were not neglective of their Duty in doing their best Endeavours to put themselves in a fit posture to resist his Hostile Approach and defend their own City Some from the Fields brought into the Fortify'd Places their Moveables Bestial Corn Wine Fruit Victuals and other necessary Provision Others did fortify and rampire their Walls set up little Fortresses Bastions squared Ravelins digged Trenches cleansed Countermines fenced themselves with Gabions contrived Platforms emptied Casemates barricado'd the false Brayes erected the Cavalliers repaired the Contrescarfes plaister'd the Courtines lengthned Ravelins stopped Parapets mortaised Barbacans assured the Port-culleys fastned the Herses Sarasinesks and Cataracks placed their Centries and doubled their Patrouille Every one did watch and ward and not one was exempted from carrying the Basket Some polish'd Corselets varnished Backs and Breasts clean'd the Head-pieces Mail-Coats Brigandins Salads Helmets Murrions Jacks Gushets Gorgets Hoguines Brassars and Cuissars Corseletts Haubergeons Shields Bucklers Targuets Greves Gantlets and Spurs Others made ready Bows Slings Cross-bows Pellets Catapults Migrames or Fire-balls Firebrands Balists Scorpions and other such Warlike Engines expugnatorie and destructive to the Hellepolists They sharpned and prepared Spears Staves Pikes Brown Bills Halberts Long Hooks Lances Zagages Quarterstaves Eelspears Partisans Troutstaves Clubs Battle-axes Maces Darts Dartlets Glaves Javelins Javelots and Trunchions They set Edges upon Cimeters Cutlasses Badelans Back-swords Tucks Rapiers Bayonets Arrow-heads Dags Daggers Mandousians Poigniards Whinyards Knives Skenes Sables Chipping Knives and Raillons Every Man exercis'd his Weapon every Man scowred off the Rust from his natural Hanger Nor was there a Woman amongst them tho' never so reserv'd or old who made not her Harnish to be well furbished as you know the Corinthian Women of old were reputed very couragious Combatants Diogenes seeing them all so warm at work and himself not employed by the Magistrates in any business whatsoever he did very seriously for many days together without speaking one Word consider and contemplate the Countenance of his Fellow-Citizens Then on a sudden as if he had been roused up and inspired by a Martial Spirit he girded his Cloak scarf-ways about his Left Arm tucked up his Sleeves to the Elbow trussed himself like a Clown gathering Apples and giving to one of his old Acquaintance his Wallet Books and Opistrographs away went he out of Town towards a little Hill or Promontory of Corinth called Cranie and there on the Strand a pretty level place did he roul his Jolly Tub which serv'd him for an House to shelter him from the Injuries of the Weather Theâ—e I say in a great Vehemency of Spirit did he turn it veer it wheel it whirl it frisk it jumble it shuffle it huddle it tumble it hurry it joult it justle it overthrow it evert it invert it subvert it overturn it beat it thwack it bump it batter it knock it thrust it push it jert it shock it shake it toss it throw it overthrow it up-side down topsiturvy arsiturvy tread it trample it stamp it tap it ting it ring it tingle it towl it sound it resound it stop it shut it unbung it close it unstopple it And then again in a mighty bustle he bandy'd it slubber'd it hack'd it whitled it way'd it darted it hurled it stagger'd it reel'd it swing'd it brangled it totter'd it lifted it heaved it transformed it transfigur'd it transpos'd it transplaced it reared it raised it hoised it washed it dighted it cleansed
ever and anon they would break forth into open Rebellion if he should casually be drawn into Spain or other remote Kingdoms He caused them to be brought unto his own Country of Flanders the Inhabitants whereof did naturally obey him and transported the Haynaults and Flemens his ancient loving Subjects into Saxony not mistrusting their Loyalty now that they were transplanted into a strange Land But it hapned that the Saxons persisted in their Rebellion and primitive Obstinacy and the Flemins dwelling in Saxony did imbibe the stubborn Manners and Conditions of the Saxons CHAP. II. How Panurge was made Laird of Salmygoudin in Dypsodie and did waste his Revenue before it came in WHilst Pantagruel was giving Order for the Government of all Dypsodie he assigned to Panurge the Lairdship of Salmygoudin which was yearly worth 6789106789 Ryals of certain Rent besides the uncertain Revenue of the Locusts and Periwinkles amounting one year with another to the value of 435768 or 2435769 French Crowns of Berry Sometimes it did amount to 1230554321 Seraphs when it was a good Year and that Locusts and Periwinkles were in request but that was not every Year Now his Worship the new Laird husbanded this his Estate so providently well and prudently that in less than fourteen days he wasted and dilapidated all the certain and uncertain Revenue of his Lairdship for three whole Years Yet did not he properly dilapidate it as you might say in founding of Monasteries building of Churches erecting of Colledges and setting up of Hospitals or casting his Bacon-Flitches to the Dogs but spent it in a thousand little Banquets and jolly Collations keeping open House for all Comers and Goers yea to all good Fellows young Girls and pretty Wenches felling Timber burning the great Logs for the Sale of the Ashes borrowing Money before-hand buying dear selling cheap and eating his Corn as it were whilst it was but Grass Pantagruel being advertised of this his Lavishness was in good sooth no way offended at the matter angry nor sorry for I once told you and again tell it you that he was the best little great Goodman that ever girded a Sword to his Side he took all things in good part and interpreted every Action to the best Sence He never vexed nor disquieted himself with the least pretence of Dislike to any thing because he knew that he must have most grosly abandoned the Divine Mansion of Reason if he had permitted his Mind to be never so little grieved afflicted or altered at any occasion whatsoever For all the Goods that the Heaven covereth and that the Earth containeth in all their Dimensions of Heighth Depth Breadth and Length are not of so much worth as that we should for them disturb or disorder our Affections trouble or perplex our Senses or Spirits He drew only Panurge aside and then making to him a sweet Remonstrance and mild Admonition very gently represented before him in strong Arguments That if he should continue in such an unthrifty course of living and not become a better Mesnagier it would prove altogether impossible for him or at least hughly difficult at any time to make him rich Rich answered Panurge Have you fixed your Thoughts there Have you undertaken the Task to enrich me in this World Set your Mind to live merrily in the Name of God and good Folks let no other Cark nor Care be harboured within the Sacro sanctified Domicile of your Celestial Brain May the Calmness and Tranquility thereof be never incommodated with or over-shadowed by any frowning Clouds of sullen Imaginations and displeasing Annoyance For if you live joyful meery jocund and glad I cannot be but rich enough Every body cries up thrift thrift and good Husbandry but many speak of Robin Hood that never shot in his Bow and talk of that Vertue of Mesnagery who know not what belong to it It is by me that they must be advised From me therefore take this Advertisement and Information that what is imputed to me for a Vice hath been done in imitation of the University and Parliament of Paris places in which is to be found the true Spring and Source of the lively Idea of Pantheology and all manner of Justice Let him be counted an Heretick that doubteth thereof and doth not firmly believe it Yet they in one day eat up their Bishop or the Revenue of the Bishoprick is it not all one for a whole year yea sometimes for two This is done on the day he makes his Entry and is installed Nor is there any place for an Excuse for he cannot avoid it unless he would be houted at and stoned for his Parsimony It hath been also esteemed an act flowing from the Habit of the Four Cardinal Vertues Of Prudence in borrowing Money before-hand for none knows what may fall out who is able to tell if the World shall last yet three years But although it should continue longer is there any Man so foolish as to have the Confidence to promise himself three years What fool so confident to say That he shall live one other day Of Commutative Iustice in buying dear I say upon trust and selling good cheap that is for ready Money what says Cato in his Book of Husbandry to this purpose The Father of a Family says he must be a perpetual Seller by which means it is impossible but that at last he shall become rich if he have of vendible Ware enough still ready for sale Of Distributive Iustice it doth partake in giving Entertainment to good remark good and gentle Fellows whom Fortune had Shipwrack'd like Ulysse upon the Rock of a hungry Stomach without provision of Sustenance And likewise to the good remark the good and young Wenches For according to the Sentence of Hippocrates Youth is impatient of Hunger chiefly if it be vigorous lively frolick brisk stirring and bouncing which wanton Lasses willingly and heartily devote themselves to the pleasure of Honest Men and are in so far both Platonick and Ciceronian that they do aâ—knowledge their being born into this World not to be for themselves alone but that in their proper Persons their Acquaintance may claim one share and their Friends another The Vertue of Fortitude appears therein by the cutting down and overthrowing of the great Trees like a second Milâ— making Havock of the dark Forests which did serve only to furnish Dens Caves and Shelter to Wolves wild Boars and Foxes and afford Receptacles withdrawing Corners and Refuges to Robbers Thieves and Murtherers lurking holes and sculking places for Cut-throat Assassinators secret obscure Shops for Coiners of false money and safe Retreats for Hereticks laying them even and level with the plain Champian Fields and pleasant Heathy Ground at the sound of the Hau-bois and Bagpipes playing reeks with the high and stately Timber and preparing Seats and Benches for the Eve of the dreadful day of Judgment I gave thereby proof of my Temperance in eating my Corn whilst it was but Grass like an Hermit
Wife possibly will be as comely and handsome as ever was his Venus but not a Whore like her nor I a Cuckold like him The crook-leg'd slovenly Slave made himself to be declared a Cuckold by a definitive Sentence and Judgment in the open view of all the Gods for this cause ought you to interpret the aforementioned Verse quite contrary to what you have said This Lot importeth that my Wife will be honest vertuous chast loyal and faithful not armed surly waiward cross giddy humorous heady haiâ—-brain'd or extracted out of the Brains as was the Goddess Pallas nor shall this faiâ— jolly Iupiter be my Corrival he shall never dip his Bread in my Broath though we should sit together at one Table Consider his Exploits and gallant Actions he was the manifest Ruffian Wencher Whoremonger and most infamous Cuckold-maker that ever breathed he did always lecher it like a Boar and no wonder for he was foster'd by a Sow in the Isle of Candia if Agathocles the Babylonian be not a Lyar and more rammishly lascivious then a Buck whence it is that he is said by others to have been suckled and fed with the Milk of the Amalthaean Goat By the vertue of Acheron he jusled bulled and last auriated in one day the third part of the World Beasts and People Floods and Mountains that was Europa For this grand subagitatory Atchievement the Animonians caused draw delineate and paint him in the figure and shape of a Ram ramming and horned Ram. But I know well enough how to shield and preserve my self from that horned Champion he will not trust me have to deal in my Person with a sottish dunsical Amphytrion nor with a silly witless Argus for all his hundred Spectacles nor yet with the cowardly Meacock Acrisius the simple Goosecap Lyrus of Thebes the doating Blockhead Agenor the flegmatick Pea-Goose Aesop rough-â—ooted Lycaon the luskish mishapen Corytus of Tuscany nor with the large back'd and strong reined Atlas let him alter change transform and metamorphose himself into a hundred various shapes and figures into a Swan a Bull a Satyr a Showre of Gold or into a Cuckow as he did when he unmaiden'd his Sister Iuno into an Eagle Ram or Dove as when he was enamoured of the Virgin Phthia who then dwelt in the Aegeaâ— Territory into Fire a Serpent yea even into a Flea into Epicurian and Democratical Atomes or more Magistronostralistically into those sly Intentions of the Mind which in the Schools are called Second Noâ—ions I 'll catch him in the nick and take â—im napping And would you know what I would do unto him even that which to his Father Coelum Saturn did Seneca foretold it of me and Lactantius hath confirmed it what the Goddess Rhea did to Athis I would make him two Stone lighter rid him of his Cyprian Cimbals and cut so close and neatly by the Breech that there should not remain thereof so much as one so cleanly would I shave him and disable him for ever from being Pope for Testiculos non habet Hold there said Pantagruel Hoc soft and fair my Ladâ— enough of that cast up turn over the Leaves and try your Fortune for the second time Then did he fall upon this ensuing Verse Membra quatit gelidusque coit formidine sanguis His Ioynts and Members quake he becomes pale And sudden Fear doth his cold Blood congeal This importeth quoth Pantagruel that she will soundly bang your Back and Belly Clean and quite contrary answered Panurge it is of me that he prognosticates in saying that I will beat her like a Tyger if she vex me Sir Martin Wagstaff will perform that Office and in default of a Cudgel the Devil gulp him if I should not eat her up quick as Candaul the Lydian King did his Wife whom he ravened and devoured You are very stout says Pantagruel and couragious Hercules himself durst hardly adventure to scuffle with you in this your raging Fury nor is it strange for the Ian is worth two and two in fight against Hercules are too too strong Am I a Ian quoth Panurge No no answered Pantagruel my Mind was only running upon the lurch and tricktrack Thereafter did he hit at the third opening of the Book upon this Verse Faemineo Praedae spoliorum ardebat amâ—re After the Spoil and Pillage as in Fire He burnt with a strong Feminine Desire This portendeth quoth Pantagruel that she will steal your Goods and rob you Hence this according to these three drawn Lots will be your future Destiny I clearly see it you will be a Cuckold you will be beaten and you will be robbed Nay it is quite otherways quoth Panurge for it is certain that this Verse presageth that she will love me with a perfect liking nor did the Satyr writing Poet lye in proof hereof when he affirmed That a Woman burning with extream Affection takes sometimes pleasure to steal from her Sweetheart And what I pray you a Glove a Point or some such trifling Toy of no importance to make him keep a gentle kind of stirring in the research and quest thereof in like manner these small scolding Debates and petty brabling Contentions which frequently we see spring up and for a certain space boyl very hot betwixt a couple of high-spirited Lovers are nothing else but recreative Diversions for their refreshment spurs to and incentives of a more fervent Amity than ever As for example We do sometimes see Cutlers with Hammers mawl their finest Whetstones therewith to sharpen their Iron Tools the better And therefore do I think that these three Lots make much for my advantage which if not I from their Sentence totally appeal There is no appellation quoth Pantagruel from the Decrees of Fate or Destiny of Lot or Chance as is recorded by our ancient Lawyers witness Baldus Lib. ult Cap. de Leg. The reason hereof is Fortune doth not acknowledge a Superiour to whom an Appeal may be made from her or any of her Substitutes And in this case the Pupil cannot be restored to his Right in full as openly by the said Author is alledged in L. ait praetor Paragrult H. de minor CHAP. XIII How Pantagruel adviseth Panurge to try the future good or bad luck of his Marriage by Dreams NOW seeing we cannot agree together in the manner of expounding or interpreting the Sense of the Virgilian Lots let us bend our course another way and try a new sort of Divination Of what kind asked Panurge Of a good Ancient and and Authentick Fashion answered Pantagruel it is by Dreams For in Dreaming such Circumstances and Conditions being thereto adhibited as are clearly enough described by Hippocrates in Lib. 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 by Plato Plotin Iamblicus Sinesius Aristotle Xenophon Galene Plutarch Artemidorus Valdianus Herophilus G. Calaper Theocritus Pliny Athenaeus and others the Soul doth often times foresee what is to come How true this is you may conceive by a very vulgar and familiar Example as
Fryar Iohn that the Dreams of all horned Cuckolds of which number Panurge by the help of God and his future Wife is without controversie to be one are always true and infallible CHAP. XIV Panurge's Dream with the Interpretation thereof AT Seven a Clock of the next following Morning Panurge did not fail to present himself before Pantagruel in whose Chamber were at that time Epistemon Fryar Iohn of the Funnels Ponocrates Eudemon Carpalin and others to whom at the entry of Panurge Pantagruel said Lo here cometh our Dreamer That word quoth Epistemon in ancient times cost very much and was dearly sold to the Children of Iacob Then said Panurge I have been plunged into my dumps so deeply as if I had been lodged with Gaffer Noddy cap dreamed indeed I have and that right lustily but I could take a long with me no more thereof that I did goodly understand save only that I in my Vision had a pretty fair young gallant handsome Woman who no less lovingly and kindly treated and entertained me hugg'd cherish'd cocker'd dandled and made much of me as if I had been another neat dillidarling Minion like Adonis never was Man more glad then I was then my joy at that time was incomperable she flattred me tickled me stroaked me groped me frizled me curled me kissed me embraced me laid her Hands about my Neck and now and then made jestingly pretty little Horns above my Forehead I told her in the like disport as I did play the Fool with her that she should rather place and fix them in a little below mine Eyes that I might see the better what I should stick at with them for being so situated Momus then would find no fault therewith as he did once with the position of the Horns of Bulls The wanton toying Girl notwithstanding any remonstrance of mine to the contrary did always drive and thrust them further in yet thereby which to me seemed wonderful she did not do me any hurt at all A little after though I know not how I thought I was transform'd into a Tabor and she into a Chough My sleeping there being interrupted I awaked in a start angry displeased perplexed chasing and very wroth There have you a large Platter-full of Dreams make thereupon good Chear and if you please spare not to interpret them according to the Understanding which you may have in them Come Carpalin let us to Breakfast To my sence and meaning quoth Pantagruel if I have skill or knowledge in the Art of Divination by Dreams your Wife will not really and to the outward appearance of the World plant or set Horns and stick them fast in your Forehead after a visible manner as Satyrs use to wear and carry them but she will be so far from preserving herself Loyal in the discharge and observance of a Conjugal Duty that on the contrary she will violate her plighted Faith break her Marriage-Oath infringe all Matrimonial Tyes prostitute her Body to the Dalliance of other Men and so make you a Cuckold This point is clearly and manifestly explained and expounded by Artemidorus just as I have related it Nor will there be any metamorphosis or transmutation made of you into a Drum or Tabor but you will surely be as soundly beaten as e're was Tabor at a merry Wedding nor yet will she be changed into a Chough but will steal from you chiefly in the Night as is the nature of that thievish Bird. Hereby may you perceive your Dreams to be in every jot conform and agreeable to the Virgilian Lots A Cuckold you will be beaten and robbed Then cryed out Father Iohn with a loud Voice He tells the truth upon my Conscience thou wilt be a Cuâ—kold an honest one I warrant thee O the brave Horns that will be born by thee Ha ha ha Our good Master De Cornilius God save thee and shield thee Wilt thou be pleased to preach but two words of a Sermon to us and I will go through the Parish-Church to gather up Alms for the poor You are quoth Panurge very far mistaken in your Interpretation for the matter is quite contrary to your sence thereof my Dream presageth that I shall by Marriage be stored with plenty of all manner of Goods the hornifying of me shewing that I will possess a Cornucopia that Amalthaean Horn which is called The Horn of Abundance whereof the fruition did still portend the Wealth of the Enjoyer You possibly will say that they are rather like to be Satyrs Horns for you of these did make some mention Amen Amen Fiat siat ad differentiam papae Thus shall I have my Touch-her-home still ready my Staff of Love sempiternally in a good case will Satyr-like be never toyled out a thing which all Men wish for and send up their Prayers to that purpose but such a thing as nevertheless is granted but to a few hence doth it follow by a consequence as clear as the Sun-beams that I will never be in the danger of being made a Cuckold for the defect hereof is Causa sine qua non yea the sole cause as many think of making Husbands Cuckolds What makes poor scoundrel Rogues to beg I pray you Is it not because they have not enough at home wherewith to fill their Bellies and their Poaks What is it makes the Wolves to leave the Woods Is it not the want of Flesh Meat What maketh Women Whores you understand me well enough And herein may I very well submit my Opinion to the Judgment of learned Lawyers Presidents Counsellors Advocates Procurers Attorneys and other Glossers and Commentators on the venerable Rubrick De Frigidis maleficiatis You are in truth Sir as it seems to me excuse my boldness if I have transgressed in a most palpable and absurd Error to attribute my Horns to Cuckoldry Diana wears them on her Head after the manner of a Cressant is she a Cucquean for that How the Devil can she be cuckolded who never yet was married Speak somewhat more correctly I beseech you least she being offended furnish you with a pair of Horns shapen by the Pattern of those which she made for Actaeon The goodly Bacchus also carries Horns Pan Iupiter Hammon with a great many others are they all Cuckolds If Iove be a Cuckold Iuno is a Whore this follows by the Figure Metalepsis As to call a Child in the presence of his Father and Mother a Bastard or Whore's Son is tacitly and under-board no less than if he had said openly the Father is a Cuckold and his Wife a Punk Let our Discourse come nearer to the purpose The Horns that my Wife did make me are Horns of Abundance planted and grafted in my Head for the increase and shooting up of all good things this will I affirm for truth upon my Word and pawn my Faith and Credit both upon it as for the rest I will be no less joyful frolick glad cheerful merry jolly and gamesome then a well-bended Tabor
handled C. Examined C. Crakt C. Waiward C. Hagled C. Gleaning C. Ill-favoured C. Pulled C. Drooping C. Faint C. Parched C. Paultry C. Cankred C. Void C. Vexed C. Bestunk C. Crooked C. Brabling C. Rotten C. Anxious C. Clouted C. Tired C. Proud C. Fractured C. Melancholy C. Coxcombly C. Bafe C. Bleaked C. Detested C. Diaphanous C. Unworthy C. Checked C. Mangled C. Turned over C. Harried C. Flawed C. Froward C. Ugly C. Drawn C. Riven C. Distasteful C. Hanging C. Broken C. Limber C. Effeminate C. Kindled C. Evacuated C. Grieved C. Carking C. Disorderly C. Empty C. Disquieted C. Besysted C. Confounded C. Hooked C. Diverous C. Wearied C. Sad C. Cross C. Vain-glorious C. Poor C. Brown C. Shrunkin C. Abhorred C. Troubled C. Scornful C. Dishonest C. Reproved C. Cocketed C. Filthy C. Shred C. Chawned C. Short-winded C. Branchless C. Chapped C. Failing C. Deficient C. Lean C. Consumed C. Used C. Puzled C. Allayed C. Spoiled C. Clagged C. Palsey-strucken C. Amazed C. Bedunsed C. Extirpated C. Banged C. Stripped C. Hoary C. Winnowed C. Decayed C. Disastrous C. Unhandfom C. Stummed C. Barren C. Wretched C. Feeble C. Cast down C. Stopped C. Kept under C. Stubborn C. Ground C. Retchless C. Weather-beaten C. Flayed C. Bauld C. Tossed C. Flapping C. Cleft C. Meagre C. Dumpified C. Supprest C. Hagged C. Jawped C. Havocked C. Astonished C. Dulled C. Slow C. Plucked up C. Constipated C. Blown C. Blockify'd C. Pommeled C. All-to-be mawl'd C. Fallen away C. Unlucky C. Steril C. Beshitten C. Appeased C. Caitive C. Woful C. Unseemly C. Heavy C. Weak C. Prostrated C. Uncomely C. Naughty C. Laid flat C. Suffocated C. Held down C. Barked C. Hairless C. Flamping C. Hooded C. Wormy C. Besysted C. Faulty C. Bemealed C. Mortified C. Scurvy C. Bescabbed C. Torn C. Subdued C. Sneaking C. Bare C. Swart C. Smutched C. Raised up C. Chopped C. Flirted C. Blained C. Blotted C. Sunk in C. Gastly C. Unpointed C. Beblistered C. Wizened C. Begger-plated C. Douf C. Clarty C. Lumpish C. Abject C. Side C. Choaked up C. Backward C. Prolix C. Spotted C. Crumpled C. Frumpled C. State C. Corrupted C. Beflowred C. Amated C. Blackish C. Underlaid C. Loathing C. Ill-filled C. Bobbed C. Mated C. Tawny C. Whealed C. Besmeared C. Hollow C. Pantless C. Guizened C. Demiss C. Refractory C. Rensie C. Frowning C. Limping C. Raveled C. Rammish C. Gaunt C. Beskimmered C. Scraggy C. Lank C. Swashring C. Moyling C. Swinking C. Harried C. Tugged C. Towed C. Misused C. Adamitical C. Balockatso to the Devil my dear Friend Panurge seeing it is so decreed by the Gods wouldst thou invert the course of the Planets and make them retrograde Wouldst thou disorder all the Coelestial Spheres blame the Intelligences blunt the Spindles joynt the Wherves slander the Spinning Quills reproach the Bobbins revile the Clew-bottoms and finally ravel and untwist all the Threads of both the warp and the waft of the weer'd Sister Parques What a Pox to thy Bones dost thou mean stony Cod thou wouldst if thou couldst a great deal worse than the Gyants of old intended to have done Come hither Billicullion Whether wouldst thou be Jealous without cause or be a Cuckold and know nothing of it Neither the one nor the other quoth Panurge would I choose to be But if I get an inkling of the matter I will provide well enough or there shall not be one stick of Wood within Five hundred Leagues about me whereof to make a Cudgel In good Faith Fryar Ihon I speak now seriously unto thee I think it will be my best not to marry Hearken to what the Bells do tell me now that we are nearer to them Do not Marry Marry not not not not not Marry Marry not not not not not If thou Marry thou wilt miscarry carry carry thou'lt repent it resent it sent it if thou Marry thou a Cuckold a Cou-cou-Cuckoe Cou-cou-Cuckold thou shalt be By the worthy Wrath of God I begin to be angry this Campaâ—lian Oracle fretteth me to the Guts a March-Hare was never in such a Chaff as I am O how I am vexed you Monks and Fryars of the Cowl-pated and Hood-poll'd Fraternity have you no Remedy nor Salve against this Malady of Graffing Horns in Heads Hath Nature so abandoned Humane-kind and of her help left us so destitute that married Men cannot know how to sail through the Seas of this mortal Life and be safe from the Whirlpools Quicksands Rocks and Banks that lie alongst the Coast of Cornwall I will said Fryar Ihon shew thee a way and teach thee an expedient by means whereof thy Wife shall never make thee a Cuckold without thy knowledge and thine own consent Do me the favour I pray thee quoth Panurge my pretty soft downy Cod now tell it Billy tell it I beseech thee Take quoth Fryar Ihon Hans Carvel's Ring upon thy Finger who was the King of Melinda's chief Jeweller besides that this Hans Carvel had the Reputation of being very skilful and expert in the Lapidary's Profession he was a studious learned and ingenious Man a Scientifick Person full of Knowledge a great Philosopher of a sound Judgment of a prime Wit good Sence clear Spirited an honest Creature Courteous Charitable Giver of Alms and of a Jovial Humour a Boon Companion and a Merry Blade if ever there was any in the World He was somewhat Gorbellied had a little Shake in his Head and in effect unwieldy of his Body in his Old Age he took to Wife the Bayliff of Concordat's Daughter a young fair jolly gallant spruce frisk brisk neat feat smirk smug compt quaint gay fine trixy trim decent proper graceful handsome beautiful comely and kind a little too much to her Neighbours and Acquaintance Hereupon it fell out after the expiring of a scantling of Weeks that Master Carvel became as jealous as a Tygar and entred into a very profound suspition that his new-married Gixy did keep a Buttock-stirring with others to prevent which inconveniency he did tell her many tragical Stories of the total Ruine of several Kingdoms by Adultery did read unto her the Legend of chast Wives then made some Lectures to her in the praise of the choice Vertue of Pucidity and did present her with a Book in Commendation of Conjugal Fidelity wherein the wickedness of all licentious Women was odiously detested and withal he gave her a Chain enriched with pure Oriental Saphires Notwithstanding all this he found her always more and more inclined to the reception of her Neighbour Copes-mates that day by day his Jealousie increased in sequel whereof one Night as he was lying by her whilst in his Sleep the rambling Fancies of the leacherous Deportments of his Wife did take up the Celluls of his Brain he dreamt that he encountred with the Devil to whom he had discovered to the full the buzzing of his Head and suspicion that his Wife did tread her Shooe awry the Devil he thought in this perplexity did for
Bridlegoose only excepted who was the Deputy-Governor of the Fonspeton At the ushering in of the Second Service Panurge making a low Reverence spake thus Gentlemen the Question I am to propound unto you shall be uttered in very few Words Should I marry or no If my Doubt herein be not resolved by you I shall hold it altogether insolvable as are the Insolubilia de Aliaco for all of you are elected chosen and culled out from amongst others every one in his own Condition and Quality like so many picked Peas on a Carpet The Father Hippothada in obedience to the bidding of Pantagruel and with much Courtesie to the Company answered exceeding modestly after this manner My Friend you are pleased to ask Counsel of us but first you must consult with your self Do you find any trouble or disquiet in your Body by the importunate stings and pricklings of the Flesh That I do quoth Panurge in a hugely strong and almost irresistible measure Be not offended I beseech you good Father at the freedom of my Expression No truly Friend not I quoth Hippothadee there is no reason why I should be displeased therewith But in this Carnal Strife and Debate of yours have you obtained from God the Gift and special Grace of Continency In good Faith not quoth Panurge My Counsel to you in that case my Friend is that you marry quoth Hippothadee for you should rather choose to marry once than to burn still in Fires of Concupiscence Then Panurge with a jovial Heart and a loud Voice cried out That is spoke gallantly without circumbilivaginating about and about and never hit it in its centred Point Grammercy my good Father In truth I am resolved now to marry and without fail I shall do it quickly I invite you to my Wedding by the Body of a Hen we shall make good Cheer and be as merry as Crickets You shall wear the Bridegroom's Colours and if we eat a Goose my Wife shall not rost for me I will intreat you to lead up the first Dance of the Brides Maids if it may please you to do me so much Favour and Honour There resteth yet a small Difficulty a little Scruple yea even less than nothing whereof I humbly crave your Resolution Shall I be a Cuckold Father yea or no By no means answered Hippothadee will you be Cuckolded if it please God O the Lord help us now quoth Panurge whither are we driven to good Folks To the Conditionals which according to the Rules and Precepts of the Dialectick Faculty admit of all contradictions and impossibilities If my Transalpine Mule had Wings my Transalpine Mule would fly If it please God I shall not be a Cockold but I shall be a Cuckold if it please him Good God if this were a condition which I knew how to prevent my Hopes should be as high as ever nor would I despair But you here send me to God's Privy Council to the Closet of his little Pleasures You my French Countrymen which is the way you take to go thither My honest Father I believe it will be your best not to come to my Wedding The clutter and dingle dangle noise of Marriage Guests will but disturb you and break the serious Fancies of your Brain You love Repose with Solitude and Silence I really believe you will not come And then you Dance but indifferently and would be out of Countenance at the first Entry I will send you some good things to your Chamber together with the Bride's Favour and there you may drink our Health if it may stand with your good liking My Friend quoth Hippothadee take my Words in the Sence wherein I meaned them and do not misinterpret me When I tell you if it please God do I to you any wrong therein Is it an ill Expression Is it a Blaspheming Clause or Reserve any way scandalous unto the World Do not we thereby honour the Lord God Almighty Creator Pretector and Conserver of all things Is not that a mean whereby we do acknowledge him to be the sole Giver of all whatsoever is good Do not we in that manifest our Faith that we believe all things to depend upon his infinite and incomprehensible Bounty and that without him nothing can be produced nor after its Production be of any value force or power without the concurring aid and favour of his assisting Grace Is it not a canonical and authentick Exception worthy to be premised to all our Undertakings Is it not expedient that what we propose unto our selves be still referred to what shall be disposed of by the Sacred Will of God unto which all things must acquiesce in the Heavens as well as on the Earth Is not that verily a sanctifying of his Holy Name My Friend you shall not be a Cuckold if it please God nor shall we need to despair of the knowledge of his good Will and Pleasure herein as if it were such an abstruse and mysteriously hidden Secret that for the clear understanding thereof it were necessary to consult with those of his Celestial Privy Council or expresly make a Voyage unto the Empyrean Chamber where Order is given for the effectuating of his most holy Pleasures The great God hath done us this good that he hath declared and revealed them to us openly and plainly and described them in the Holy Bible There will you find that you shall never be a Cuckold that is to say your Wife shall never be a Strumpet if you make choice of one of a commendable Extraction descended of honest Parents and instructed in all Piety and Vertue Such a one as hath not at any time hanted or frequented the Company or Conversation of those that are of corrupt and deprav'd Manners one loving and fearing God who taketh a singular delight in drawing near to him by Faith and the cordial observing of his Sacred Commandments And finally one who standing in awe of the Divine Majesty of the most High will be loath to offend him and lose the favourable kindness of his Grace through any defect of Faith or transgression against the Ordinances of his Holy Law wherein Adultery is most rigorously forbidden and a close Adherence to her Husband alone most strictly and severely enjoyned yea in such sort that she is to cherish serve and love him above any thing next to God that meriteth to be beloved In the interim for the better schooling of her in these Instructions and that the wholsom Doctrine of a Matrimonial Duty may take the deeper Root in her Mind you must needs carry your self so on your part and your behaviour is to be such that you are to go before her in a good Example by entertaining her unfeignedly with a Conjugal Amity by continually approving your self in all your Words and Actions a faithful and discreet Husband and by living not only at home and privately with your own Houshold and Family but in the face also of all Men and open view of the World
devotely vertuously and chastly as you would have her on her side to deport and demean her self towards you as becomes a Godly Loyal and Respectful Wife who maketh Conscience to keep inviolable the Tie of a Matrimonial Oath For as that Looking-glass is not the best which is most deck'd with Gold and Precious Stones but that which representeth to the Eye the liveliest shapes of Objects set before it Even so that Wife should not be most esteemed who richest is and of the noblest Race but she who fearing God conforms her self nearest unto the Humour of her Husband Consider how the Moon doth not borrow her Light from Iupiter Mars Mercury or any other of the Planets nor yet from any of those Splendid Stars which are set in the spangled Firmament but from her Husband only the bright Sun which she receiveth from him more or less according to the manner of his Aspect and variously bestowed Eradiations Just so should you be a Pattern to your Wife in Vertue goodly Zeal and true Devotion that by your Radiance in darting on her the Aspect of an Exemplary Goodness she in your imitation may outshine the Luminaries of all other Women To this effect you daily must implore God's Grace to the Protection of you both You would have me then quoth Panurge twisting the Whiskers of his Beard on either side with the Thumb and Fore-finger of his Left Hand to espouse and take to Wife the prudent frugal Woman described by Solomon Without all doubt she is clead and truly to my best remembrance I never saw her the Lord forgive me Nevertheless I thank you Father eat this slice of Marchpane it will help your Disgestion then shall you be presented with a Cup of Claret Hypocras which is right healthful and stomached Let us proceed CHAP. XXXI How the Physician Rondibilis counselleth Panurge PAnurge continuing his Discourse said The first word which was spoken by him who guelded the Lubbardly quaffing Monks of Saussiniac after that he had unstoned Friar Corcil was this To the rest In like manner I say to the rest Therefore I beseech you my good Master Rondibilis should I marry or not By the raking pace of my Mule quoth Rondibilis I know not what Answer to make to this Problem of yours You say that you feel in you the pricking Stings of Sensuality by which you are stirred up to Venery I find in our Faculty of Medicine and we have founded our Opinion therein upon the deliberate Resolution and final Decision of the ancient Platonicks that Carnal Concupiscence is cooled and quelled five several ways First By the means of Wine I shall easily believe that quoth Friar Ihon for when I am well whitled with the Juyce of the Grape I care for nothing else so I may sleep When I say quoth Rondibilis that Wine abateth Lust my meaning is Wine immoderately taken for by Intemperancy proceeding from the excessive drinking of Strong Liquor there is brought upon the Body of such a Swill-down Bouser a chilness in the Blood a slackening in the Sinews a Dissipation of the Generative Seed a numbness and hebetation of the Senses with a perversive wriness and Convulsion of the Muscles all which are great Lâ—ts and Impediments to the Act of Generation Hence it is that Bacchus the God of Bibbers Tiplers and Drunkards is most commonly painted Beardless and clad in a Womans Habit as a Person altogether Effeminate or like a libbed Eunuch Wine nevertheless taken moderately worketh quite contrary Effects as is implied by the old Proverb which saith That Venus takes cold when not accompanied with Ceres and Bacchus This Opinion is of great Antiquity as appeareth by the Testimony of Diodorus the Sicilian and confirmed by Pausanias and universally held amongst the Lampsacians that Don Priapos was the Son of Baceâ—us and Venus Secondly The Fervency of Lust is abated by certain Drugs Plants Herbs and Roots which make the Taker cold maleficiated unfit for and unable to perform the Act of Generation as hath been often experimented in the Water-Lilly Heraclea Agnus Castus Willow-twigs Hemp-stalks Woodbind Honey â—uckle Tamarisk Chastree Mandrake Bennet Kecbuglosse the Skin of a Hippopatam and many other such which by convenient Doses proportioned to the peccant Humour and Constitution of the Patient being duly and seasonably received within the Body what by their Elementary Vertues on the one side and peculiar Properties on the other do either benumb mortifie and beclumpse with Cold the prolifick Semence or scatter and disperse the Spirits which ought to have gone along with and conducted the Sperm to the places destinated and appointed for its reception Or lastly Shut up stop and obstruct the ways passages and conduits through which the Seed should have been expelled evacuated and ejected We have nevertheless of those Ingredients which being of a contrary Operation heat the Blood bend the Nerves unite the Spirits quicken the Senses strengthen the Muscles and thereby rouze up provoke excite and inable a Man to the vigorous Accomplishment of the Feat of Amorous Dalliance I have no need of those quoth Panurge God be thanked and you my good Master Howsoever I pray you take no exception or offence at these my words for what I have said was not out of any ill Will I did bear to you the Lord he knows Thirdly The Ardour of Lechery is very much subdued and mated by frequent Labour and continual Toiling For by painful Exercises and laborious working so great a Dissolution is brought upon the whole Body that the Blood which runneth alongst the Channels of the Veins thereof for the Nourishment and Alimentation of each of its Members hath neither time leisure nor power to afford the Seminal Resudation or superfluity of the third Concoction which Nature most carefully reserves for the conservation of the Individual whose Preservation she more heedfully regardeth than the propagating of the Species and the multiplication of Humane Kind VVhence it is that Diana is said to be chast because she is never idle but always busied about her Hunting For the same reason was a Camp or Leaguer of old called Castrum as if they would have said Castum because the Soldiers Wrestlers Runners Throwers of the Bar and other such-like Athletick Champions as are usually seen in a Military Circumvallation do uncessantly travel and turmoil and are in a perpetual stir and agitation To this purpose Hippocrates also writeth in his Book De Aere Aqua locis That in his time there were People in Scythia as impotent as Eunuchs in the discharge of a Venerian Exploit because that without any cessation pause or respit they were never from off Horseback or otherways assiduously employed in some troublesome and molesting Drudgery On the other part in opposition and repugnancy hereto the Philosophers say That Idleness is the Mother of Luxury When it was asked Ovid Why Egistus became an Adulterer he made no other Answer but this Because he was idle Who were able to rid
the World of Loytring and Laziness might easily frustrate and disappoint Cupid of all his Designs Aims Engines and Devices and so disable and appall him that his Bow Quiver and Darts should from thenceforth be a meer needless Load and Burthen to him for that it could not then lie in his power to strike or wound any of either Sex with all the Arms he had He is not I believe so expert an Archer as that he can hit the Cranes flying in the Air or yet the young Stags skipping through the Thickets as the Parthians knew well how to do that is to say People moyling sinking and hurrying up and down restless and without repose He must have those husht still quiet lying at a stay lither and full of ease whom he is able though his Mother help him to touch much less to pierce with all his Arrows in confirmation hereof Theophrastus being asked on a time What kind of Beast or Thing he judged a toyish wanton Love to be he made Answer That it was a Passion of idle and sluggish Spirits From which pretty Description of ticking Love-tricks that of Diogenes's hatching was not very discrepant when he defined Leachery Occupation of Folks destitute of all other Occupation For this cause the Syconian Engraver Canachus being desirous to give us to understand that Sloath Drouziness Negligence and Laziness were the prime Guardians and Governesses of Ribaldry made the Statue of Venus not standing as other Stone-Cutters had used to do but sitting Fourthly The tickling pricks of Incontinency are blunted by an eager Study for from thence proceedeth an incredible resolution of the Spirits that oftentimes there do not remain so many behind as may suffice to push and thrust forwards the Generative Resudation to the places thereto appropriated and therewithal inâ—â—ate the Cavernous Nerve whose office is to ejaculate the Moisture for the Propagation of Humane Progeny Least you should think it is not so be pleased but to contemplate a little the Form Fashion and Carriage of a Man exceeding earnestly set upon some Learned Meditation and deeply plunged therein and you shall see how all the Arteries of his Brains are stretched forth and bent like the String of a Cross-bow the more promptly dexterously and copiously to suppeditate furnish and supply him with store of Spirits sufficient to replenish and fill up the Ventricles Seats Tunnels Mansions Receptacles and Celluls of the common Sense of the Imagination Apprehension and Fancy of the Ratiocination Arguing and Resolution as likewise of the Memory Recordation and Remembrance and with great alacrity nimbleness and agility to run pass and course from the one to the other through those Pipes Windings and Conduits which to skilful Anatomists are perceivable at the end of the Wonderful Net where all the Arteries close in a terminating Point which Arteries taking their rise and origine from the left Capsul of the Heart bring through several Circuits Ambages and Anfractuosities the Vital to subtilize and refine them to the Aetherial Purity of Animal Spirits Nay in such a studiously musing Person you may espy so extravagant Raptures of one as it were out of himself that all his Natural Faculties for that time will seem to be suspended from each their proper charge and office and his exteriour Senses to be at a stand In a word you cannot otherways choose then think that he is by an extraordinary Extasie quite transported out of what he was or should be and that Socrates did not speak improperly when he said That Philosophy was nothing else but a Meditation upon Death This possibly is the reason why Democritus deprived himself of the Sense of Seeing prizing at a much lower rate the loss of his Sight than the diminution of his Contemplations which he frequently had found disturbed by the vagrant flying-out strayings of his unsetled and roving Eyes Therefore is it that Pallas the Goddess of Wisdom Tutress and Guardianess of such as are diligently studious and painfully industrious is and hath been still accounted a Virgin The Muses upon the same consideration are esteemed perpetual Maids and the Graces for the like reason have been held to continue in a sempiternal Pudicity I remember to have read that Cupid on a time being asked of his Mother Venus why he did not assault and set upon the Muses his Answer was That he found them so fair so sweet so fine so neat so wise so learned so modest so discreet so courteous so vertuous and so continually busied and employed One in the Speculation of the Stars another in the Supputation of Numbers the Third in the Dimension of Geometrical Quantities the Fourth in the Composition of Heroick Poems the Fifth in the jovial Interludes of a Comick Strain the Sixth in the stately Gravity of a Tragick Vein the Seventh in the Melodious Disposition of Musical Airs the Eighth in the compleatest manner of Writing Histories and Books on all sorts of Subjects and the Ninth in the Mysteries Secrets and Curiosities of all Sciences Faculties Disciplines and Arts whatsoever whether Liberal or Mechanick that approaching near unto them he unbended his Bow shut his Quiver and extinguished his Torch through meer shame and fear that by mischance he might do them some hurt or prejudice which done he thereafter put off the Fillet wherewith his Eyes were bound to look them in the Face and to hear their Melody and Poetick Odes There took he the greatest pleasure in the World that many times he was transported with their Beauty and pretty Behaviour and charmed asleep by the Harmony so far was he from assaulting them or interrupting their Studies Under this Article may be comprised what Hippocrates wrote in the aforecited Treatise concerning the Scythians as also that in a Book of his entituled Of Breeding and Production where he hath affirmed all such Men to be unfit for Generation as have their Parotid Arteries cut whose Situation is beside the Ears for the reason given already when I was speaking of the resolution of the Spirits and of that Spiritual Blood whereof the Arteries are the sole and proper Receptacles and that likewise he doth maintain a large portion of the Parastatick Liquor to issue and descend from the Brains and Back-bone Fifthly By the too frequent reiteration of the Act of Venery There did I waiâ— for you quoth Panurge and shall willingly apply it to my self whilst any one thaâ— pleaseth may for me make use of any of the four preceding That is the very same thing quoth Fryar Ihon which Father Scyllino Prior of Saint Victor at Marseilles calleth by the Name of Maceration and taming of the Flesh. I am of the same Opinion and so was the Hermite of Saint Radegonde a little above Chinon for quoth he the Hermites of Thebaida can no more aptly or expediently macerate and bring down the Pride of their Bodies daunt and mortifie their leacherous Sensuality or depress and overcome the stubbornness and rebellion of the Flesh
evident Let it not here be thought strange that I should call it an Animal seeing therein I do no otherwise than follow and adhere to the Doctrine of the Academick and Peripatetick Philosophers For if a proper Motion be a certain mark and infallible token of the Life and Animation of the Mover as Aristotle writeth and that any such thing as moveth of its self ought to be held Animated and of a Living Nature then assuredly Plato with very good reason did give it the Denomination of an Animal for that he perceived and observed in it the proper and self-stirring motions of Suffocation Precipitation Corrugation and of Indignation so extreamly violent that oftentimes by them is taken and removed from the Women all other sense and moving whatsoever as if she were in a swounding Lipothymy benumming Sincop Epileptick Apoplectick Palsey and true resemblance of a pale-faced Death Furthermore in the said Member there is a manifest discerning Faculty of Scents and Odours very perceptible to Women who feel it fly from what is rank and unsavoury and follow fragrant and Aromatick Smells It is not unknown to me how Cl. Gallen striveth with might and main to prove that these are not proper and particular Notions proceeding intrinsically from the thing it self but accidentally and by chance Nor hath it escaped my notice how others of that Sect have laboured hardly yea to the utmost of their Abilities to demonstrate that it is not a sensitive discerning or perception in it of the difference of Wafts and Smells but meerly a various manner of Vertue and Efficacy passing forth and flowing from the diversity of odoriferous Substances applied near unto it Nevertheless if you will studiously examine and seriously ponder and weigh in Critolaus's Balance the strength of their Reasons and Arguments you shall find that they not only in this but in several other matters also of the like nature have spoken at random and rather out of an ambitious Envy to check and reprehend their Betters than for any design to make enquiry into the solid Truth I will not launch my little Skif any further into the wide Ocean of this Dispute only will I tell you that the Praise and Commendation is not mean and slender which is due to those honest and good Women who living chastly and without blame have had the power and vertue to curb range and subdue that unbridled heady and wild Animal to an obedient submissive and obsequious yielding unto Reason Therefore here will I make an end of my Discourse thereon when I shall have told you that the said Animal being once satiated if it be possible that it can be contented or satisfied by that Aliment which Nature hath provided for it out of the Epididymal Store-house of Man all its former and irregular and disordered Motions are at an end laid and asswaged all its vehement and unruly Longings lulled pacified and quieted and all the furious and raging Lusts Appetites and Desires thereof appeased suppressed calmed and extinguished For this cause let it seem nothing strange unto you if we be in a perpetual Danger of being Cuckolds that is to say such of us as have not wherewithal fully to satisfie the Appetite and Expectation of that voâ—acious Animal Ods Fish quoth Panurge have you no preventive Cure in all your Medicinal Art for hindring ones Head to be Horny-graffed at home whilst his Feet are plodding abroad Yes that I have my gallant Friend answered Rondibilis and that which is a Sovereign Remedy whereof I frequently make use my self and that you may the better relish it is set down and written in the Book of a most famous Author whose Renown is of a standing of two thousand Years Hearken and take good heed You are quoth Panurge by Cocks-Hobby a right honest Man and I love you with all my heart eat a little of this Quince-Pye it is very proper and convenient for the shutting up of the Orifice of the Ventricle of the Stomach because of a kind of astringent Stypticity which is in that sort of Fruit and is helpful to the first Concoction But what I think I speak Latin before Clerks Stay fill I give you somewhat to drink out of this Nestorian Goblet Will you have another Draught of white Hippocras Be not afraid of the Squinzy No There is neither Squinant Ginger nor Grains in it only a little choice Cinnamon and some of the best refined Sugar with the delicious White-wine of the Growth of that Vine which was set in the Slips of the great Sorbaple above the Wallnut-tree CHAP. XXXIII Rondibilis the Physician 's Cure of Cuckoldry AT that time quoth Randibilis when Iupitur took a view of the state of his Olympick House and Family and that he had made the Calender of all the Gods and Goddesses appointing unto the Festival of every one of them its proper day and season establishing certain fixed places and stations for the pronouncing of Oracles and relief of travelling Pilgrims and ordaining Victims Immolations and Sacrifices suitable and correspondent to the Dignity and Nature of the worshipped and adored Deity Did not he do asked Panurge therein as Tintouille the Bishop of Auxerre is said once to have done This Noble Prelate loved entirely the pure Liquor of the Grape as every honest and judicious Man doth therefore was it that he had an especial care and regard to the Bud of the Vine-tree as to the great Grandfather of Bacchus But so it is that for sundry Years together he saw a most pitiful Havock Desolation and Destruction made amongst the Sprouts Shootings Buds Blossoms and Sciens of the Vines by hoary Frosts Dank-fogs hot Mists unseasonable Colds chill Blasts thick Hail and other calamitous Chances of foul Weather happening as he thought by the dismal inauspiciousness of the Holy Days of St. George St. Mary St. Paul St. Eutrope Holy Rood the Aseension and other Festivals in that time when the Sun passeth under the Sign of Taurus and thereupon harboured in his Mind this Opinion that the afore-named Saints were Saint Hail-flingers Saint Frost-senders Saint Fogmongers and Saint Spoilers of the Vine-buds for which cause be went about to have transmitted their Feasts from the Spring to the Winter to be Celebrated between Christmas and Epiphany so the Mother of the three Kings called it allowing them with all Honour and Reverence the liberty then to freeze hail and rain as much as they would for that he knew that at such a time Frost was rather profitable than hurtful to the Vine-buds and in their steads to have placed the Festivals of St. Christopher St. Iohn the Baptist St. Magdalene St. Ann St. Domingo and St. Lawrence yea and to have gone so far as to collocate and transpose the middle of August in and to the beginning of May because during the whole Space of their Solemnity there was so little danger of hoary Frosts and cold Mists that no Artificers are then held in greater Request