then now I durst not take a pin or a stick though but so big as a straw for my conscience now was sore and would smart at every touch I could not now tell how to speak my words for fear I should mis-place them O how gingerly did I then go in all I did or said I found my self as on a miry bog that shook if I did but stir and as there left both of God and Christ and the Spirit and all good things 70. And though I was thus troubled and tossed and afflicted with the sight and sence and terrour of my own wickedness yet I was afraid to let this sence and sight go quite off my minde for I found that unless guilt of Conscience was taken off the right way that is by the Blood of Christ a man grew rather worse for the loss of his trouble of minde than better Wherefore if my guilt lay hard upon me then I should cry that the Blood of Christ might take it off and if it was going off without it for the sence of sin would be sometimes as if it would die and go quite away then I would also strive to fetch it upon my heart again by bringing the punishment for sin in Hell-fire upon my Spirit and should cry Lord let it not go off my heart but the right way but by the Blood of Christ and by the application of thy mercy thorow him to my Soul for that Scripture lay much upon me Without shedding of Blood there is no Remission Heb. 9.22 And that which made me the more afraid of this was Because I had seen some who though when they were under Wounds of Conscience then they would cry and pray but they seeking rather present Ease from their Trouble then Pardon foâ— their Sin cared not how they lost their guilt 〈◊〉 they got it out of their minde and therefore having got it off the wrong way it was not sanctifieâ— unto them but they grew harder and blinder anâ— more wicked after their trouble This made 〈◊〉 afraid and made me cry to God that it might noâ— be so with me 71. And now was I sorry that God had made mâ— a man for I feared I was a reprobate I counteâ— man as unconverted the most doleful of all thâ— Creatures Thus being afflicted and tossed abouâ— my sad condition I counted my self alone anâ— above the most of men unblest In this conditioâ— I went a great while but when comforting timâ— was come I heard one preach a Sermon upoâ— those words in the Song Song 4.1 Behold thou anâ— fair my Love behold thou art fair but at that timâ— he made these two words My Love his chief anâ— subject matter from which after he had a littlâ— opened the text he observed these several conclusions 1. That the Church and so every saved Soul 〈◊〉 Christs Love when loveless 2. Christs Love without 〈◊〉 cause 3. Christs Love when hated of the world 4. Christs Love when under temptation and under diâ—sertion 5. Christs Love from first to last 72. But I got noâ—hing by what he said at present only when he came to the application of the fourth particular this was the word he said If it be so thâ—â— the saved Soul is Christs Love when under temptatioâ— and dissertion then poor tempted Soul when thou art assaulted and afflâ—cted with temptation and the hidings 〈◊〉 Gods Face yet think on these two words MY LOVE still 73. So as I was a going home these words camâ— again into my thoughts and I well remember aâ— they came in I said thus in my heart What shall I get by thinking on these two words this thought had no sooner passed thorow my heart but the words began thus to kindle in my Spirit Thou art my Love thou art my Love twenty times together and still as they ran thus in my minde they waxed stronger and warmer and began to make me look up but being as yet between hope and fear I still replied in my heart But is it true too but is it true at which that sentence fell in upon me He wist not that it was true which was done unto him of the Angel Act. 12.9 74. Then I began to give place to the Word which with power did over and over make this joyful sound within my Soul Thou art my Love thou art my Love and nothing shall separate thee from my love and with that Rom. 8.39 came into my minde Now was my heart filled full of comfort and hope and now I could believe that my sins should be forgiven me wherefore I said in my Soul with much gladness Well I would I had a pen and ink here I would write this down before I go any further for surely I will not forget this forty years hence but alas within less then forty days I began to question all again 75. Yet still at times I was helped to believe that it was a true manifestation of Grace unto my Soul though I had lost much of the life and savouâ— of it Now about a week or fortnight after this I was much followed by this Scripture Simon Simon behold Satan hath desired to have you Luk. 22.31 and sometimes it would sound so loud within me yea and as it were call so strongly after me that once above all the rest I turned my head over my shoulder thinking verily that some man had behind me called to me being at a great distance 76. But so follish was I and ignorant that I knew not the reason of this sound which as I did both see and feel soon after was sent from heaven as an alarm to awaken me to provide for what was coming onely it would make me muse and wonder in my minde to think what should be the reason that this Scripture and that at this rate so often and so loud should still be sounding and ratling in mine ears But as I said before I soon after perceived the end of God therein 77. For about the space of a month after a very great storm came down upon me which handled me twenty times worse then all I had met with before it came stealing upon me now by one piece then by another first all my comfort was taken from me then darkness seized upon me after which whole flouds of Blasphemies both against God Christ and the Scriptures was poured upon my spirit to my great confusion and astonishment These blasphemous thoughts were such as also stirred up questions in me against the very being of God and of his onely beloved Son as whether there were in truth a God or Christ or no and whether the holy Scriptures were not rather a Fable and cunning Story then the holy and pure Word of God 78. The Tempter also would much assault me with this How can you tell but that the Turkâ— had as good Scriptures to prove their Mahomet the Saviour as we have to prove our Jesus is and could I think that so many ten
by Christ I was as if my Ioyns were broken or as if my hands and feet had been tied or bound with chains At this time also I felt some weakness to seiz my outward man which made still the other affliction the more heavy and uncomfortable 215. Afrer I had been in this condition some three or four days as I was sitting by the fire I suddenly felt this word to sound in my heart I must go to Jesus at this my former darkness and atheism fled away and the blessed things of heaven were set within my view while I was on this sudden thus overtaken with surprize Wife said I is there ever a such Scripture I must go to Jesus she said she could not tell therefore I sat musing still to see if I could remember such a place I had not sat above two or three minutes but that came bolting in upon me And to an innumerable company of Angels and withall Hebrews the twelfth about the mount Zion was set before mine eyes 216. Then with joy I told my Wife O now I know I know but that night was a good night to me I never had but few better I longed for the company of some of Gods people that I might have imparted unto them what God had shewed me Christ vvas a precious Christ to my Soul that night I could scarce lie in my Bed for joy and peace and triumph thorow Christ this great glory did not continue upon me until morning yet that twelfth of the Author to the Hâ—brews Heb. 12.21 22 23. was a blessed Scripture to me for many days together after this 217. The words are these You are come to mount Zion to the City of the living God to the heavenly Jerusalem and to an innumerable company of Angels to the general assembly and Church of the first-born which are written in heaven to God the Judge of all and to the spirits of just men made perfect and to Jesus the Mediator of the New Testament and to the blood of sprinkling that speaketh better things than that of Abel Thorow this blessed Sentence the Lord led me over and over first to this word and then to that and shewed me wonderful glory in every one of them These words also have oft â—â—nce this time been great refreshment to my Spirit Blessed be God for having mercy on me A brief Account of the Authors Call to the Work of the Ministery 218. ANd now I am speaking my Experience I will in this place thrust in a word or two concerning my preaching the Word and of Gods dealing with me in that particular also For after I had been about five oâ— six years awakened and helped to see both the want and worth of Jesus Christ our Lord and inabled to venture my Soul upon him some of the most able among the Saints with us I say the most able for Judgement and holiness of Life as they conceived did peâ—ceive that God had counted me worthy to understand something of his Will in his holy and blessed Word and had given me utteâ—ance in some measure to express what I saw to others for edification they desired me and tâ—at with much earnestness that I would be willing at sometime to take in hand in one of the Meetings to speak a word of Exhortation unto them 219. The which though at the first it did much dash and abash my spirit yet being still by them desired and intreated I consented to their requesâ— and did twice at two several Assemblies but in private though with much weakness and infirmity discover my Gift amongst them at which they not onely seemed to be but did solemnly protest as in the sight of the great God they were both affected and comforted and gave thanks to the Father of Mercies for the grace bestowed on me 220. After this sometimes when some of them did go into the Countâ—ey to teach tâ—ey would also that I should go with them where though as yet I did not nor durst not make use of my Gift in an open way yet moâ—e privately still as I came amongst the good People in those places I did sometimes speak a word of Admonition unto them also the which they as the other received with rejoycing at the mercy of God to me-ward professing their Souls were edified thereby 221. Wherefore to be brief at last being still desired by the Church after some solemn prayer to the Lord with fasting I was more particularly called forth and appointed to a more ordinary and publick preaching the Word not onely to and amongst them that believed but also to offer the Gospel â—o those that had not yet â—eceived the faith thereof about which time I did evidently find in my mind a secret pricking forwaâ—d thereto tho I bless God not for desire of vain glory for at that time I was most sorely afflicted with â—he firy darts of the devil concerning my eternal state 222. But yet could not be content unless I was found in the exercise of my Gift unto which also I was gâ—eatly animated not onely by the continual desires of the Godly but also by that saying of Paul to the Corinthians I beseech you Brethren ye know the houshold of Stephanas that it is the firsâ— fruits of Achaia and that they have addicted themselves to the ministery of the Saints that you submit your selves unto such and to every one that helpeth with us and laboureth 1 Cor. 16.15 16. 223. By this Text I was made to see that the holy Ghost never intended that men who have Gifts and Abilities should bury them in the earth but rather did command and stir up such to the exercise of their gift and also did commend those that were apt and ready so to do they have addicted themselves to the ministery of the Saints this Scripture in these days did continually run in my mind to incourage me and strengthen me in this my work foâ— God I have been also incouraged from several other Scriptures and examples of the Godly both specified in the Word and other ancient Histories Act. 8.4 18·24 25 c. 1 Pet. 4.10 Rom. 12.6 Fox Acts and Mon. 224. Wherefore though of my self of all the Saints the most unworthy yet I but with great fear and trembling at the sight of my own weakness did set upon the work and did according to my Gift and the proportion of my Faith preach that blessed Gospel that God had shewed me in the holy Word of truth which when the Countrey undeâ—stood they came in to hear the Word by hundreds and that from all parts though upon sundry and divers accounts 225. And I thank God he gave unto me some measure of bowâ—ls and pity for their Souls which also did put me forward to labour with great diligence and earnestness to find out such a Word as might if God vvould bless lay hold of and awaken the Conscience in which also the good Lord had respect to the desire of his
hath been made upon it 249. Just thus I saw it was and will be with them who have Gifts but want saving-Grace they are in the hand of Christ as the Cymbal in the hand of David and as David could with the Cymbal make that mirth in the service of God as to elevate the hearts of the Worshippers so Christ can use these gifted men as with them to affect the Souls of his People in his Chuâ—ch yet when he hath done all hang them by as lifeless though sounding Cymbals 250. This consideration therefore together with some others were for the most part as a maul on the head of pride and desire of vain-glory What thought I shall I be proud because I am a sounding Brass is it so much to be a Fiddle hath not the least Creature that hath life more of God in it than these besides I knew 't was Love should never die but these must cease and vanish So I concluded a little Grace a little Love a little of the true Fear of God is better then all these Gifts Yea and I am fully convinced of it that it is possible for a Soul that can scarce give a man an answer but with great confusion as to method I say it is possible for them to have a thousand times more Grace and so to be more in the love and favour of the Lord then some who by vertue of the Gift of Knowledge can deliver themselves like Angels A brief Account of the Authors Imprisonment 251. HAving made profession of the glorious Gospel of Christ along time and had preached the same about five year I was apprehended at a Meeting of good People in the Countrey amongst whom had they let me alone I should â—â—ve preached that day but they took me away from amongst them and had me before a Justice who after I had offered security for my appearing at the next Sessions yet committed me becâ—use my Sureties would not consent to be bound that I should preach no more to the people 252. At the Sessions after I was indicted for an Upholder and Maintainer of unlawful Assemblies and Conventicles and for not conforming to the National Woâ—ship of the Church of England and after some conference there with the Justices was sentenced to perpetual banishment because I refused to Conform So being again delivered â—p to the Goalers hands I was had home to Prison again and there have lain now above five year and a quarter waiting to see what God will suffer these mâ—n to do with me 253. In which condition I have continued wiâ—h much content thorow Grace but have met with many tuâ—nings and goiâ—gs upon my heart both fâ—om the Lord Satan and my own corruptions by all which glory be to Jesus Christ I have also received among many things much conviction instruction and understanding of which at laâ—ge I shall not here discourse onely give you in a hint or two a word that may stir up the Godly to bless God and to pray for me and also to take encouraâ—ement shouâ—d the case be their own Not to fear what man can do unto them 254. I never had in all my life so great an inleâ— into the Word of God as now them Scrâ—ptures that I saw nothing in before are made in this place and state to shine upon me Jesus Christ alâ—o was never more reâ—l and apparent then now here I have seen him and felt him indeed O that word We have not preached unto you cunningly devised fables 2 Pet. 1 16. and that God raised Christ from the dead and gave him glory that your faith and hope might be in God 1 Pet. 1.20 were blessed words unto me in this my imprisoned condition 255. These three or four Scriptures also have been great refreshment in this condition to me Joh. 14.1 2 3 4. Joh. 16.33 Col. 3.3 4. Heb. 12.22 23 24. So that sometimes when I have been in the favour of them I have been able to laugh at destruction and â—o fear neiâ—her the Horse nor his Rider I have had sweet sights of the forgiveness of my sins in this place and of my being with Jesus in another world O the Mount Zion the heavenly Jerusalem the innumerable company of Angels and God the Judge of all and the Spirits of just men made perfect and Jesus have been sweet unto me in this place I have seen that here that I am perswaded I shall never while in this world be able to express I have seen a truth in that Scripture Whom having not seen ye love in whom though now ye see him not yet believing ye rejoyce with joy unspeakable and full of glory 1 Pet. 1.8 256. I never knew what it was for God to stand by me at all turns and at every offer of Satan c. as I have found him since I came in hither for look how fears have presented themselves so have supports and encouragements yea when I have started even as it were at nothing else but my shadow yet God as being very tender of me hath not suffered me to be molested but would with one Scripture and another stâ—engthen me against all insomuch that I have often said Were it lawful I could pray for greater trouble for the greater comforts sake Eccles. 7.14 2 Cor. 1.5 257. Before I came to Prison I saw what was a coming and had especially two Considerations wâ—rm upon my heart the first was How to be able to endure should my imprisonment be lonâ— and tedious the second was How to be able to encounter death should that be here my portion For the first of these that Scripture Col. 1.11 was great information to me namely to pray to God to be strengthened with all might according to his glorious power unto all patience and long-suffering with joyfulness I could seldom go to prayer before I was imprisoned but for not so little as a year together this Sentence of sweet Petition would as it were thrust it self into my mind and perswade me that if ever I would go thorow long-suffering I must have all patience especially if I would endure it joyfully 258. As to the second Consideration that Saying 2 Cor. 1.9 was of great use unto me But we had the sentence of death in our selves that we might not trust in our selves but in God that raiseth the dead by this Scripture I was made to see that if ever I would suffer rightly I must first pass a sentence of death upon every thing that can properly be called a thing of this life even to reckon my Self my Wife my Children my health my enjoyments and all as dead to me my self as dead to them 259. The second was to live upon God that is invisible as Paul said in another place The way not to faint is to look not at the things that are seen but at the things that are not seen for the things that are seen are temporal but the things that are not seen they
GRACE Abounding to the chief of Sinners OR A Brief and Faithful RELATION Of the Exceeding Mercy of God in Christ to his poor Servant JOHN BVNYAN Wherein is particularly shewed The manner of his Conversion his sight and trouble for Sin his Dreadful Temptations also how he despaired of Gods mercy and how the Lord at length thorow Christ did deliver him from all the guilt and terrour that lay upon him Whereunto is added A brief Relation of his Call to the Work of the Ministry of his Temptations therein as also what he hath met with in Prison All which was written by his own hand there and now published for the support of the weak and tempted People of God Come and hear all ye that fear God and I will declare what he hath done for my soul Psal. 66.16 LONDON Printed by George Larkin 1666. A PREFACE Or brief Account of the publishing of this Work Written by the Author thereof and dedicated to those whom God hath counted him worthy to beget to Faith by his Ministry in the Word CHildren Grace be with you Amen I being taken from you in presence and so tied up that I cannot perform that duty that from God doth lie upon me to you-ward for your further edifying and building up in Faith and Holiness c. Yet that you may see my Soul hath fatherly care and desire after your spiritual and everlasting Welfare I now once again as from the top of Shenir and Hermon so from the Lions Dens and from the Mountains of the Leopards Song 4.8 do look yet after you all greatly longing to see your safe arrival into THE desired Haven I thank God upon every Remembrance of you and rejoyce even while I stick between the Teeth of the Lions in the Wilderness at the grace and mercy and knowledge of Christ our Saviour which God hath bestowed upon you with abundance of Faith and Love Your hungerings and thirstings also after further acquaintance with the Father in his Son your tenderness of Heart your trembling at sin your sober and holy deportment also before both God and men is great refreshment to me for you are my glory and joy 1 Thes. 2.20 I have sent you here enclosed a drop of that honey that I have taken out of the Carcase of a Lyon Judg. 14.5 6 7 8. I have eaten thereof my self also and am much refreshed thereby Temptations when we meet them at first are as the Lyon that roared upon Sampson but if we overcome them the next time we see them we shall finde a Nest of Honey within them The Philistians understand me not It is a Relation of the work of God upon my own Soul even from the very first till now wherein you may perceive my castings down and raisings up for he woundeth and his hands make whole It is written in the Scripture Isai. 38.19 The father to the children shall make known the truth of God Yea it was for this reason I lay so long at Sinai Lev. 4.10 11. to see the fire and the cloud and the darkness that I might fear the Lord all the days of my life upon earth and tell of his wondrous works to my children Psal. 78.3 4 5. Moses Numb 33.1 2. writ of the Journeyings of the children of Israel from Egypt to the Land of Canaan and commanded also that they did remember their forty years travel in the wilderness Thou shalt remem-all the way which the Lord thy God led thee these forty years in the wilderness to humble thee and to prove thee and to know what was in thine heart whether thou wouldst keep his commandments or no Deut. 8.2 3. Wherefore this I have endeavoured to do and not onely so but to publish it also that if God will others may be put in remembrance of of what he hath done for their Souls by reading his work upon me It is profitable for Christians to be often calling to mind the very beginnings of Grace with their Souls It is a night to be much observed to the Lord for bringing them out from the land of Egypt This is that night of the Lord to be observed of all the children of Israel in their generations Exod. 12.42 My God saith David Psal. 42.6 my soul is cast down within me but I will remember thee from the land of Jordan and of the Hermonites from the hill Mizar He remembred also the Lyon and the Bear when he went to fight with the Giant of Gath 1 Sam. 17.36 37 It was Pauls accustomed manner Acts 22. and that when tried for his life Acts 24. even to open before his Judges the manner of his Conversion He would think of that day and that hour in the which he first did meet with Grace for he found it support unto him When God had brought the children of Israel thorow the Red Sea far into the wilderness yet they must turn quite about thither again to remember the drowning of their enemies there Num. 14.25 for though they sang his praise before yet they soon forgat his works Psal. 106.11 12. In this Discourse of mine you may see much much I say of the Grace of God towards me I thank God I can count it much for it was above my sins and Satans temptations too I can remember my fears and doubts and sad moneths with comfort they are as the head of Goliah in my hand there was nothing to David like Goliahs sword even that sword that should have been sheathed in his bowels for the very sight and remembrance of that did preach forth Gods Deliverance to him O the remembrance of my great sins of my great temptations and of my great fears of perishing for ever They bring fresh into my mind the remembrance of my great help my great support from Heaven and the great grace that God extended to such a Wretch as I. My dear Children call to mind the former days the years of ancient times remember also your songs in the night and commune with your own heart Psal. 73.5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12. Yea look diligently and leave no corner therein unsearched for there is â—reasure hid even the treasure of your first and second experience of the grace of God toward you Remember I say the Word that first laid hold upon you remember your terrours of conscience and fear of death and hell remember also your tears and prayers to God yea how you sighed under every hedge for mercy Have you never a Hill Mizar to remember Have you forgot the Close the Milk-house the Stable the Barn and the like where God did visit your Soul Remember also the Word the Word I say upon which the Lord hath caused you to hope If you have sinned against light if you are tempted to blaspheme if you are down in despair if you think God fights against you or if heaven is hid from your eyes remember 't was thus with your Father but out of them all the Lord delivered
which frame he stilly and slyly supplyeth with such despair that thougâ— not much guilt attendeth the Soul yet they continually have a secret conclusion within them thaâ— there is no hopes for them for they have loved sins Jer. 2.25 18.12 22. Now therefore I went on in sin with greaâ— greediness of mind still grudging that I could noâ— be so satisfied with it as I would this did continuâ— with me about a moneth or more But one-daâ— as I was standing at a Neighbours Shop-window and there cursing and swearing and playing thâ— Mad-man after my wonted manner there satâ— within the woman of the house and heard meâ— who though she also was a very loose and ungodlâ— Wretch yet protested that I swore and cursed 〈◊〉 that most fearful rate that she was made to trembâ—â— to heat me And told me further That I was tâ—â— ungodliest Fellow for swearing that ever she heard in 〈◊〉 her life and that I by thus doing was able to spoile all the Youth in a whole Town if they came but in my company 23. At this reproof I was silenced and put to secret shame and that too as I thought before the God of Heaven wherefore while I there stood and hanging down my head I wished with all my heart that I might be a little childe again that my Father might learn me to speak without this wicked way of swearing for thought I I am so accustomed to it that it is but in vain for me to think of a reformation for I thought it could never be 24. But how it came to pass I know not I did from this time forward so leave my swearing that it was a great wonder to my self to observe it and whereas before I knew not how to speak unless I put an Oath before and another behind to make my words have authority now I could speak better and with more pleasantness then ever I could before all this while I knew not Jesus Christ neither did I leave my sports and play 25. But quickly after this I fell in company with one poor man that made profession of Religion Who as I then thought did talk pleasantly of the Scriptures and of the matters of Religion wherefore falling into some love and liking to what he said I betook me to my Bible and began to take great pleasuâ—e in reading but especially with the historical part thereof for as for Pauls Epistles and Scriptures of that nature I could not away with them being as yet but ignorant either of the corruptions of my nature or of the want and worth of Jesus Christ to save me 26. Wherefore I fell to some outward Reformation both in my words and life and did set the Commandments before me for my way to Heaven which Commandments I also did strive to keep and as I thought did keep them pretty well sometimes and then I should have comfort yet now and then should break one and so afflict my Conscience but then I should repent and say I was sorry for it and promise God to do better next time and there get help again 27. Thus I continued about a year all which time our Neighbours did take me to be a very godly man a new and religious man and did marvel much to see such a great and famous alteration in my life and manners and indeed so it was though yet I knew not Christ nor Grace nor Faith nor Hope and truly as I have well seen since had I then died my state had been most fearful well this I say continued about a twelve-month or more 28. But upon a day the good Providence of God did cast me to Bedford to work on my calling and in one of the streets of that town I came where there was three or four poor women sitting at a door in the Sun and talking about the things of God and being now willing to hear them discourse I drew near to hear what they said for I was now a brisk talker also my self in the matters of Religion but now I may say I heard but I understood not for they were far above out of my reach for their talk was about a new birth the work of God on their hearts also how they were convinced of their miserable stare by nature they talked how God had visited their souls with his love in the Lord Jesus and with what words and promises they had been refreshed comforted and supported against the temptations of the Devil moreover they reasoned of the suggestions and temptations of Satan in particular and told to each other by which they had been afflicted and how they were born up under his assaults they also discoursed of their own wretchedness of heart of their unbelief and did contemn slight and abhor their own righteousness as filthy and insufficient to do them any good 29. And me thought they spake as if joy did make them speak they spake with such pleaâ—antneâ—s of Scripture language and with such appearance of grace in all they said that they were to me as if they had found a new world as if they were people that dwelt alone and were not to be reckoned amongst their Neighbouâ—s 30. At this I felt my own heart began to shake as mistrusting my condition to be naught for I saw that in all my thoughts about Religion and Salvation the New birth did never enter into my mind neither knew I the comfort of the Word and Promise nor the deceitfulness and treachery of my own wicked heart As for secret thoughts I took no notice of them neither did I understand what Satans temptations were nor how they were to be withstood and resisted c. 31. Thus therefore when I had heard and considered what they said I left them and went about my employment again but their talk and discourse went with me also my heart would tarry with them for â— was greatly affected with their words both because by them I was convinced that I wanted the true tokens of a truly godly man and also because by them I was convinced of the happy and blessed condition of him that was such a one 32. Therefore I should often make it my business to be going again and again into the company of these poor people for â— could not stay away and the more I went amongst them the more I did question my condition and as still I do remember presently I found two things within me at which I did sometimes marvel especially considering what a blind ignorant soâ—did and ungodly Wretch but just before I was the one was a very great softness and tenderness of heart which caused me to fall under the conviction of what by Scripture they asserted and the other was a great bending in my mind to a continual meditating on them and on all other good things which at any time I heard or read of 33. My mind was now so turned that it lay like a Horseleach at the vein still crying out Give give
shewed me that none could enter into life â—ut thoâ—e that were in down-right earnest and â—nless also they left this wicked world behind â—â—em for here was only roome for Body and Soul â—ut not for Body and Soul and Sin 44. This resemblance abode upon my spirit many dayes all which time I saw my self in a sorlorn and sad condition but yet was provoked to a vehement hunger and desire to be one of that number that did sit in this Sun-shine now also I should pray where ever I was whether at home or a broad in house or field and should also often with lifting up of heart sing that of the fifty first Psalm O Lord consider my distress for as yet I knew not where I was 45. Neither as yet could I attain to any comfortable perswasion that I had Faith in Chirst but instead of having satisfaction here I began to find my Soul to be assaulted with fresth doubts about my future happiness especially with such as these Whether I was elected but how if the day of grace should now be past and gone 46. By these two temptations I was very much afflicted and disquieted sometimes by one and sometimes by the other of them And first to speak of that about my questioning my election I found â—t this time that though I was in a flame to find the way to Heaven and Glory and though nothing could beat me off from this yet this question did so offend and discourage me that I was especially at sometimes as if the very strength of my body also had been taken away by the force and power thereof This Scripture also did seem to me tâ— trample upon all my desires It is neither in him that willeth nor in him that runneth but in God thâ—â— sheweth mercy Rom 9. 47. With this Scripture I could not tell what to do for I evidently saw that unless the great God of hiâ— infinite grace and bounty had voluntarily chosâ— me to be a vessel of mercy though I should desire and long and labour untill my heart did break 〈◊〉 good could come of it Therefore this wouâ—â— still stick with me How can you tell you are â—lected and what if you should not how then 48. O Lord thought I what if I should not indeed it may be you are not laid the Tempter it may be so indeed thought I. Why then â—aid Satan you had as good leave off and strive no further for if indeed you should not be Elected and chosen of God there is no talke of your being saved For it is neither in him that willeth nor in him that runneth but in God that sheweth mercy 49. By these things I was driven to my wits end not knowing what to say or how to answer these temptations indeed I little thought that Satan had thus assaulted me but that rather it was my own prudence thus to start the question for that the Elect only attained eternal life that I without scruple did heartily close withall but that my self was one of them there lay all the question 50. Thus therefore for several dayes I was greatly assaulted and perplexed and was often when I have been walking ready to sink where I went with faintness in my mind but one day after I had been so many weeks oppressed and cast down therewith as I was now quite giving up the Ghost of all my hopes of ever attaining life that sentence fell with weight upon my spirit Look at the generations of old and see did ever any trust in God and were confounded 51. At which I was greatly lightened and encouraged in my Soul for thus at that very instant it was expounded to me Begin at the beginning of Genesis and read to the end of the Revelations see if you can find that there was any that ever trusted in the Lord and was Confounded So coming home I presently went to my Bible to see if I could find that saying not doubting but to find it presently for it was so fresh and with such strength and comfort on my spirit that I was as if it talked with me 52. Well I looked but I found it not only it abode upon me then I did aske first this good man and then another if they knew where it was but they knew no such place at this I wondered that such a sentence should so suddenly and with such comfort and strength seize and abide upon my heart and yet that none could find it for I doubted not but it was in holy Scripture 53. Thus I continued above a year and could not find the place but at last casting my eye into the Apocrypha-Books I sound it in Ecclesiasticus this at the first did somewhat daunt me but because by this time I had got more experience of the love and kâ—ndness of God it troubled me the less especially when I considered that though it was not in those Texts that we call holy and Canonical yet for as much as this sentence was the sum and substance of many of the promises it was my duty to to take the comfort of it and I bless God for that word for it was of God to me that word doth still at times shine before my face 54. After this that other doubt did come with strength upon me But how if the day of grace should be past and gone how if you have over-stood the time of mercy Now I remember that one day as I was walking into the Country I was much in the thoughts of this But how if the day of grace be past and to aggravate my trouble the Tempter presented to my mind those good people of Bedford and suggested thus unto me That these being converted already they were all that God would save in those parts that I came too late for these had got the blessing before I came 55. Now was I in great distress thinking in very deed that this might well be so wherefore I wenâ— up and down bemoaning my sad condition counting my self far worse then a thousand fools for standing off thus long and spending so many years in sin as I have done still crying out Oh that I had turned sooner Oh that I had turned seven years agoe it made me also angry with my self to think that I should have no more wit but to trifle away my time till my Soul and Heaven were lost 56. But when I had been long vexed with this fear and was scarce able to take one step more just about the same place where I received my other encouragement these words broke in upon my mind Compell them to come in that my house may be filled and yet there is roome Luke 14.22 23. These words but especially them And yet there is roome were sweet words to me for truly I thought that by them I saw that there was place enough in Heaven for me and moreover that when the Lord Jesus did speak these words he then did think of me and that he
knowing the time would come that I should be afflicted with fear that there was no place left for me in his bosome did before speak this word and leave it upon record that I might find help thereby against this vile temptation 57. In the light and encouragement of this word I went a pretty while and the comfort was the more when I thought that the Lord Jesus should think on me so long agoe and that he should speak them words on purpose for my sake for I did then think verily that he did on purpose speak them to encourage me withall 58. After this I found by reading the word that those that must be glorified with Christ in another world Must be called by him here Called to the partaking of a share in his word and righteousness and to the comforts first-fruits of his Spirit and to a peculiar interest in all those Heavenly things which do indeed fore-fit the Soul for that rest and house of glory which is in Heaven above 59. Here again I was at a very great stand not knowing what to doe fearing I was not called for thought I if I be not called what then can doe me good But oh how I now loved those words that spake of a Christians calling as when the Lord said to one Follow me and to another Come after me and oh thought I that he would say so to me too how gladly would I run after him 60. I cannot now express with what longings and breakings in my Soul I cryed to Christ to call me Thus I continued for a time all on a flame to be converted to Jesus Christ and did also see at that day such glory in a converted state that I could not be contented without a share therein Gold could it have been gotten for Gold what could I have given for it had I had a whole world it had all gone ten thousand times over for this that my Soul might have been in a converted state 61. How lovely now was every one in my eyes that I thought to be converted men and women they shone they walked like a people that carried the broad Seal of Heaven about them Oh I saw the lot was fallen to them in pleasant places and they had a goodly heritage But that which made me sick was that of Christ in Mark He went up into a Mountain and called to him whom he would and they came unto him Mark 3.13 62. This Scripture made me saint and fear yet it kindled fire in my Soul That which made me fear was this lest Christ should have no liking to me for he called whom he would But on the glory that I saw in that condition did still so engage my heart that I could seldome read of any that Christ did call but I presently wished Would I had been in their cloaths would I had been born Peter would I had been born John or would I had been by and had heard him when he called them how would I have cryed O Lord call me also but oh I feared he would not call me 63. And truly the Lord let me goe thus many months together and shewed me nothing either that I was already or should be called hereafter But at last after much time spent and many groans to God that I might be made partaker of the holy and heavenly calling that word came in upon me I will cleanse their blood that I have not cleansed for the Lord dwelleth in Zion Joel 3.21 These words I thought were sent to encourage me to wait still upon God and signified unto me that if I were not already yet time might come I might be in truth converted unto Christ. 64. About this time I began to break my mind to those poor people in Gedford and to tell them my condition which when they had heard they told Mr. Gifford of me who himself also took occasion to talke with me and was willing to be perswaded of me though I think but from little grounds but he invited me to his house where I should hear him confer with others about the dealings of God with the Soul from all which I still received more conviction and from that time began to see something of the vanity and inward wretchedness of my wicked heart for as yet I knew no great matter therein but now it began to be discovered unto me and also to worke at that rate for wickedness as it never did before Now I evidently found that lusts and corruptions would strongly put forth themselves within me in wicked thoughts and desires which I did not regard before my desires also for heaven and life began to fail I found also that whereas before my Soul was full of longâ—ngs after God now my heart began to hanker after every foolish vanity yea my heart would not be moved to mind that that was good it began to be careless both of my Soul and Heaven it would now continually hang back both to and in every duty and was as a clog on the leg of a Bird to hinder her from flying 65. Nay thought I now I grow worse and worse now am I further from conversion then ever I was before wherefore I began to sink greatly in my Soul and began to entertain such discouragement in my heart as laid me as low as Hell If now I should have burned at a stake I could not believe that Christ had love for me Alas I could neither hear him nor see him nor feel him nor savor any of his things I was driven as with a Tempest my heart would be unclean the Cananites would dwell in the Land 66. Sometimes I would tell my condition to the people of God which when they heard they would pity me and would tell me of the Promises but they had as good have told me that I must reach the Sun with my finger as have bidden me receive or relie upon the Promise and as soon I should have done it all my sence and feeling was against me and I saw I had a heart that would sin and lay under a Law that would condemn 67. These things have often made me think of that Child which the Father brought to Christ Who while he was yet a coming to him was thrown down by the Devil and also so rent and torn by him that he lay and wallowed foaming Luke 9.42 Maâ—â— 9.20 68. Further in these dayes I should find mâ— heart to shut it self up against the Lord and against his holy Word I have found my unbelief to set as iâ— were the shoulder to the door to keep him out and that too even then when I have with many 〈◊〉 bitter sigh cried Good Lord break it open Lord break these gates of brass and cut these bars of iron asunder Yet that Word would sometime create in my heart a peaceable pause I girded thee though thou hast not known me 69. But all this while as to the act of sinning I never was more tender
with such conceits as these I should think that God did mock at these my prayers saying and that in the audience of the holy Angels This poor simple Wretch doth hanker after me as if I had nothing to do with my mercy but to bestow it on such as he alas poor fool how art thou deceived it is not for such as thee to have favour with the Highest 90. Then hath the Tempter come upon me also with such discouragements as these You are very hot for mercy but I will cool you this frame shall not last alwayes many have been as hot as you for a spirt but I have quench'd their Zeal and with this such and such who were fallen off would be set before mine eyes then I should be afraid that I should do so too but thought I I am glad this comes into my minde well I will watch and take what heed I can Though you do said Satan I shall be too hard for you I will cool you insensibly by degrees by little and little what care I saith he though I be seven years in chilling your heart if I can do it at last continual rocking will lull a crying Child asleep I will ply it close but I will have my end accomplished though you be burning hot at present yet if I can pull you from this fire I shall have you cold before it be long These things brought me into great straights for as I at present could not find my self fit for present death so I thought to live long would make me yet more unfit for time would make me forget all and wear even the remembrance of the evil of sin the worth of Heaven and the need I had of the Blood of Châ—ist to wash me both out of mind and thought But I thank Christ Jesus these things did not at present make me slack my crying but rather did put me more upon it like her who met with the Adulterer Deut. 22.25 in which dayes that was a good word to me after I had suffered these things a while I am perswaded that neither death nor life c. shall separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus Rom. 8.38 And now I hoped long life should not destroy me nor make me miss of Heaven 91. Yet I had some supports in this temptation though they were then all questioned by me That in the third of Jeremiah at the fiâ—st was something to me and so was the consideration of the fifth verse of that Chapter that though we have spoken and done evil things as we could yet we should cry unto God My Father thou art the Guide of my youth and should return unto him 92. I had also once a sweet glance from that in â— Cor. 5.21 For he hath made him to be sin for us who knew no sin that we might be made the righteousness of God in him I remember also that one day as I was sitting in a Neighbours House and there very sad at the consideration of my many blasphemies and as I was saying in my mind What ground have I to think that I who have been so vile and abominable should ever inherit eternal life that word came suddenly upon me What shall we say to these things If God be for us who can be against us Rom. 8.31 that also was an help unto me Because I live you shall live also Joh. 14.19 But these were but hints touches and short visits though very sweet when present onely they lasted not but like to Peters Sheet of a sudden were caught up from me to Heaven again Act. 10.16 93. But afterwards the Lord did more fully and graciously discover himself unto me and indeed did quite not onely deliver me from the guilt that by these things was laid upon my Conscience but also from the very filth thereof for the temptation was removed and I was put into my right mind again as other Christians were 94. I remember that one day as I was traveling into the Countrey and musing on the wickedness and blasphemy of my heart and considering of the enmity that was in me to God that Scripture came in my mind He hath made peace by the blood of his Cross Col. 1.20 by which I was made to see both again and again and again that day that God and my Soul were friends by this blood yea I saw that the justice of God and my sinful Soul could imbrace and kiss each other through this blood thiâ— was a good day to me I hope I shall not forget it 95. At another time as I was set by the fiâ—e in my house and musing on my wretchedness the Lord made that also a precious word unto me For as much then as the children are partakers of flesh and blood he also himself likewise took part of thâ— same that through death he might destroy him that had the power of death that is the Devil and deliver those who through the fear of death were all their life time subject to bondage Heb. 2.14 15. I thought that the glory of these words was then so weighty on me that I was both once and twice ready to swoon as I sat yet not with grief and trouble but with sollid joy and peace 96. At this time also I sat under the Ministry of holy Mr. Gifford whose Doctrine by Gods grace was much for my stability This man made it much his business to deliver the People of God from all those false and unsound rests that by Nature we are prone to take and make to our Souls he pressed us to take special heed that we took not up any truth upon trust as from this or that or another man or men but to cry mightily to God that he would convince us of the reality thereof and set us down therein by his own Spirit in the holy Word for said he if you do otherwise when temptations come if strongly you not having received them with evidence from Heaven will find you want that help and strength now to resist as once you thought you had 97. This was as seasonable to my Soul as the former and latter rain in their season for I had found and that by sad experience the truth of these his words For I had felt no man can say especially when tempted of the Devil that Jesus Christ is Lord but by the holy Ghost Wherefore I found my Soul thorow Grace very apt to drink in this Doctrine and to incline to pray to God that in nothing that pertained to Gods glory and my own eternal happiness he would suffer me to be without the confirmation thereof from Heaven for now I saw clearly there was an exceeding difference betwix the notions of flesh and blood and the Revelations of God in Heaven also a great difference between that faith that is fained and according to mans wisdom and of that which comes by a man being born thereto of God Mat. 16.15 16. 1 John 5.1 98.
transgressions and as a cloud thy sins Return unto me fâ—r I have redeemed thee Isa. 44.22 but I could not return but fled though at some times it cried Return as if it did hollow after me for I feared to close in therewith lest it should not come from God for that other was still sounding in my conscience For you know how that afterwards when he would have inherited the Blessiâ—g he was rejected c. 132. All this while my life hung in doubt before me not knowing which way I should tip onely this I found my Soul desire even to cast it self at the foot of Grace by Prâ—yer and Supplication But O 't was hard for me to bear the face to pray to this Christ for mercie against whom I had thus most vilely sinned yet I knew this must be the way for mercy was no where else 133. Which when the Tempteâ— perceived he strongly suggested to me That I ought not to pray to God for Prayer was not for any in my case neither could it do me good because I had â—ejected the Mediator by whom all Prayers came with acceptance to God the Father and without whom no Prayer could come into his presence wheâ—efore now to pray is but to adde sin to sin yea now to pray seeing God hath cast you off is the next way to anger and offâ—nd him more then ever you did before 134. For God said he hath been weary of you for these several years already because you aâ—e none of his you bauling in his ears hath been no pleâ—sant voice to him and therefore he let you sin this sin that you might be quite cut off and will you pray still This the Devil urged and set forth by that in Numbers which Moses said to the Children of Israel That because they would not go up to possess the Land when God would have them therefore for ever after he did bar them out from thence though they prayed they might with tears Numb 14.36 37 c. 135. As 't is said in another place Exod. 21.14 The man that sins presumptuosly shall be taken from Gods Altar that he may die Even as Joab was by King Solomon when he thought to find shelter there 1 King 2.27 28 c. These places did pinch me very sore yet my case being desperate I thought with my self I can but die and if it must be so it shall once be said That such a one died at the foot of Christ in Prayer this I did but with great difficulty God doth know for still that saying about Esau would be set at my heart even like a flaming sword to keep the way of the tree of Life lest I should take thereof and live O who knows how hard a thing I found it to come to God in prayer 136. I did also desire the Prayers of the People of God for me but I feared that God would give them no heart to do it yea I trembled in my Soul to think that some or other of them shortly would tell me that God had said those words to â—hem that he once did say to the Prophet concerning the Children of Israel Pray not for this People for I have rejected them Jer. 11.14 So Pray not for him for I have rejected him Yea I thought that he had whispered this to some of them alâ—eady onely they durst not tell me so neither durst I ask them of it for fear if it should be so it would make me quite besides my self Man knows the beginning of sin said Spira but who bounds the issue 's thereof 137. Now also did the Tempter begin to mock me in my misery saying That seeing I had thus parted with the Lord Jesus and provoked him to displeasure who should have stood between my Soul and the flame of devouring fire the way was now but one and that was to pray that God the Father would be the Mediator betwixt his Son and me that we might be reconciled again and that I might have that blessed benefit in him that his blessed Saints enjoyed 138. Then did that Scripture seize upon my Soul He is of one mind and who can turn him Oh I saw 't was as easie to perswade him to make a new world a new Covenant or new Bible besides that we have already as to pray for such a thing this was to perswade him that what he had done already was meer folly and to perswade with him to alter yea to disanul the whole way of salvation and then would that saying rent my Soul asunder Neither is there salvation in any other for there is none other Name under heaven given amongst men whereby we must be saved Act. 4.12 139. Now the most free and full and gracious words of the Gospel were the greatest torment to me yea nothing so afflicted me as the thoughts of Jesus Christ for the remembrance of a Saviour because I had cast him off brought both the villany of my sin and my loss by it to mind O 't is sad to be destroyed by the grace and mercy of God to have the Lamb the Saviour turn Lyon and Destroyer Rev. 6. I also trembled at the sight of the Saints of God especially at those that greatly loved him and that made it their business to walk continually with him in this world for they did both in their words their carriages and all their expressions of tenderness and fear to sin against their precious Saviour condemn lay guilt upon and also add continual affliction and shame unâ—o my Soul 140. Now also the Tempter began afresh to mock my Soul saying That Christ indeed did pity my case and was sorry for my loss but for as much as I had sinned and transgressed as I had done he could by no means help me nor save me from what I feared for my sin was not of the nature of theirs for whom he bled and died neither was it counted with those that were laid to his charge when he hanged on the tree therefore unless he should come down from Heaven and die anew for this sin though indeed he did greatly pity me yet I could have no benefit of him 141. But O how this would add to my affliction to conceit that I should be guilty of such a sin for which he did not die These thoughts would so confound me and imprison me and tie me up from Faith that I knew not what to do but Oh thought I that he would come down again O that the work of Mans Redemption was yet to be done by Christ how would I pray him and intreat him to count and reckon this sin amongst the rest for which he died But that would strike me down Christ being raised from the dead dieth no more Death hath no more Dâ—minion over him Rom. 6.9 142. Thus was I always sinking whatever I did think or do So one day I walked to a Neighbouring Town and sate down upon a Settle in the Street and fell into a
Scriptures fore-nam'd in thâ— Hebrews would be set befoâ—e me as the only Sentences that would keep me out of Heaven Theâ— again I should begin to repent that ever that thought went thorow me I should also think thus with my self why How many Scriptures are there against me there is but three or four and cannot God miss them and save me for all them Sometimes again I should think O if it weâ—e not for these three or four words now how might I be comforted and I could hardly forbear at sometimes but to wish them out of the Book 164. Then methought I should see as if both Peter and Paul and John and all the Writerâ— did look with scorn upon me and hold me in derision and as if they said unto me All our words are truth one of as much force â—s another it is not we that have cut you off but you have cast away your self there is none of our sentences that you must take hold upon but these and such as these It is impossible there remains no more sacrifice for sin Heb. 6. And it had been better for them not to have known the will of God than after they have known it to turn from the holy commandment delivered unto them Heb. 10. For the Scriptures cannot be broken 2 Pet. 2.21 165. Thus was I confounded not knowing what to do nor how to be satisfied in this question whether the Scriptures could agree in the salvation of my Soul I quaked at the Apostles I knew their words were true and that they must stand for ever 166. And I remember one day as I was in divers frames of Spirit and considering that thesâ— frames were still acâ—ording to the nature of the several Scriptures that came in upon my mind 〈◊〉 this of Grace then I was quiet but if that of Esaâ— then tormented Lord thought I if both these Scriptures would meet in my heart at once I wonder which of them would get the better of me So methought I had a longing mind that they might come both together upon me yea I desired of God they might 167. Well about two or three dayes after so they did indeed they boulteâ— both upon me at a time and did work and struggle strangly in me for a while at last that about Esaus birth-right began to wax weak and withdraw and vanish and this about the sufficiency of Grace prevailed with peace and joy And as I was in a muse about this thing that Scripture came home upon me Mercy rejoyceth against Judgement 168. This was a wondâ—rment to me yet truly I am apt to think it was of God for the Word of the Law and Wrath must give place to the Word of Life and Grace because though the Word Of Condemnation be glorious yet the Word of Life and Salvation doth far exceed in glory 2 Cor. 3.8 9 10 11. Mar. 9.5 6 7. John 6.37 Also that Moses and Elias must both vanish and leave Christ and his Saints alone 169. This Scripture also did now most sweetly visit my soul And him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out O the comfort that I have had from this word in no wise as who should say by no means for no thing what-ever he hath done But Satan would greatly labour â—o pull this promise from me telling of me that Christ did not mean me and such as I but sinners of a lower rank that had not done as I had done But I should answer him again Satan here is in this word no such exception but him that comes him â—â—ny him him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out And this I well remember still that of all the slights that Satan used to take this Scripture from me yet he never did so much as put this Question But do you come arâ—ght And I have thought the reason was because he thought I knew full well what coming was for I saw that to come aright was to come as I was a vile and ungodly sinner and to cast my self at the feet of Mercy condemning my self for sin If ever Sataâ— and I did strive for any word it was for this in John he pull'd and I pull'd but God be praised I got some sweetness from it 170. But notwithstanding all these helps and blessed words of grace yet that of Esaus selling of his birth-right would still at times distress my Conscience for though I had been most sweetly comforted and that but just before yet when that came into mind 't would make me fear again I could not be quite rid thereof 't would every day be with me wherefore now I went another way to woâ—k even to consider the nature of this blashemous thought I mean if I should take the words at the largest and give them their own natural foâ—ce and scope even every word therein So when I had thus considered I found that if they were fairly taken they would amount to this That I had freely left the Lord Jesus Christ to his choice whether he would be my Saviour or no for the wicked words were these Let him go if he will Then that Scripture gave me hope I will never leave thee nor forsake thee Heb. 13.5 O Lord said I but I have left thee then it answered again but I will not leave thee For this I thank God alâ—o 171. Yet I was grievous afraid he should and found it exceeding hard to trust him seeing I hâ—d so offended him I could have been exceedinâ— glad that this thought had never be fallen foâ— then I thought I could with more ease and freedom abundance have leaned upon his grace I see it was with me as it was with Josephs Bâ—ethren the guilt of their own wickedness did often fill them with fears that their Brother would at last despise them Gen. 50.15 16 17 18. 172. But above all the Scriptures that yet I did meet with that in the twentieth of Joshua was the greatest comfort to me which speaks of the slayer that was to fly for refuge And if the avenger of blood pursue the slayer then saith Moses they that are the Elders of the City of Refuge shall not deliver him into his hand because he smote his Neighbour unwittingly and hated him not afore-time O blessed be God for this word I was convinced that I was the slayer and tâ—at the avenger of blood pursued me that I felt with great terrour only now it remained that I enquire whether I have â—ight to enter the City of Refuge So I found That he must not who lay in wait to shed blood but he who unwittingly or that did unawars shed blood even he who did not hate his Neighbour before Wherefore 173. I thought veâ—ily I was the man that must enter for because I had smitten my Neighbour unwittingly and hated him not afore-time I hated him not afore-time no I prayed unto him was tender of sinning against him yea and against this wicked Temptation I
had strove for a twelve-moneth before yea and also when it did pass thorow my heart it did it in spite of my teeth Wherefore I thought I had right to enter this City and the Elders which are the Apostles were not to deliver me up This therefore was greaâ— comfort to me and did give me much ground of hope 174. Yet being very critical for my smaâ—t had made me that I knew not what ground was sure enough to bear me I had one question that my Soul did much desire to be resolved about and that was Whether it be possible for any Soul that hath indeed sinned the unpardonable sin yet after that to receive though but the least true spiritual comfort from God thorow Christ the which after I had much considered I found the answer was No they could not and that for these reasons 175. First Because those that have sinned that sin they are debarred a share in the Blood of Christ and being shut out of that they must needs be void of the least ground of hope and so of spiritual comfort for to such there remains no more sacrifice for sin Heb. 10.26 27. Secondly Because they are denied a share in the promise of Life they shall never be forgiven neither in this world nor in that which is to come Mat. 12.31 Thirdly The Son of God excludes them also from a share in his blessed intercession being for ever ashamed to own them both before his holy Father and the blessed Angels in heaven Mark 8. 176. When I had with much deliberation considered of this matter and could not but conclude that the Lord had comforted me and that too after this my wicked sin then methought I durst venture to come nigh unto those most fearful and terrible Scriptures with which all this while I had been so greatly affâ—ighted and on which indeed before I durst scarce cast mine eyes â—ea had much ado an hundred times to forbear wishing of them out of the Bible for I thought they would destroy me but now I say I began to take some measure of incouragement to come close to them to read them and consider them and to weigh their scope and tendence 177. The which when I began to do I found their visage changed for they looked not so grimly on me as before I thought they did And first I came to the sixth of the Hebrews yet trembling for fear it should strike me which when I had considered I found that the falling there intended was a falling quite away that is as I conceived a falling from and an absolute denial of the Gospel of Remission of sins by Christ for from them the Apostle begins his argument ver 1 2 3. Secondly I found that this falling away must be openly even in the view of the World even so as to put Christ to an open shame Thirdly I found that those he there intendeth were for ever shut up of God both in blindness hardness and impenitency It is impossible they should be renewed again unto repentance By all these particulars I found to Gods everlasting praise my sin was not the sin in this place intended 178. Then I considered that in the tenth of the Hebrews and found that the wilful Sin there mentioned is not every wilful sin but that sin which doth throw off Christ and then his Commandments too Secondly That must also be done openly before two or three witnesses to answer that of the Law ver 28. Thirdly This sin cannot be committed but with great despite done to the Spirit of Grace despising both the disswasions from that sin and the perswasions to the contrary But the Lord knows though this my sin was devilish yet it did not amount to these 179. And as touching that in the twelfth of the Hebrews about Esau's selling his Birth-right though this was that which kill'd me and stood like a Spear against me yet now I did consider First That his was not a hasty thought against the continual labour of his mind but a thought consented to and put in practice likewise and that too after some deliberation Gen. 25. Secondly It was a publick and open action even before his Brother if not before many more this made his sin of a far more hainous nature then otherwise it would have been Thirdly He continued to slight his Birth-right He did eat and drink and went his way thus Esau DESPISED his Birth-right yea twenty year after he was found to despise it still And Esau said I have enough my Brother keep that thou hast to thy self Gen. 33.9 180. Now as touching this That Esau sought a place of repentance thus I thought First This was not for the Birth-right but for the Blessing this is clear from the Apostle and is distinguished by Esau himself He hath taken away my Birth-right that is formerly and now he hath taken away my Blessing also Gen. 27.36 Secondly Now this being thus considered I came again to the Apostle to see what might be the mind of God in a New-Testament stile and sence concerning Esau's sin and so far as I could conceive this was the mind of God That the Birth-right signified Regeneration and the Blessing the Eternal Inheritance for so the Apostle seems to hint Left there be any prophane person as Esau whose for one morsel of meat sold his Birth-right as if he should say Lest there be any person amongst you that shall cast off all those blessed beginnings of God that at present are upon him in order to a new Birth lest they become a Esau even be rejected afterwards when they would inherit the Blessing 181. For many there are who in the day of Grace and Mercy despise those things which are indeed the Birth-right to Heaven who yet when the deciding-day appears will cry as loud as Esau Lord Lord open to us but then as Isaac would not repent no more will God the Father but will say I have blessed these yea and they shall be blessed but as for you Depart you are workers of iniquity Gen. 27.32 Luk. 13 25 26 27. 182. When I had thus considered these Scriptures and found that thus to understand them was not against but according to other Scriptures this still added further to my encouragement and comfort and also gave a great blow to that objection to wit That the Scriptures could not agree in the salvation of my Soul And now remained only the hinder part of the Tempest for the thunder was gone beyond me onely some drops did still remain that now and then would fall upon me but because my former frights and anguish were very sore and deep therefore it did oft befall me still as it befalleth those that have been scared with fire I thought every voice was fire fire every little touch would hurt my tender Conscience 183. But one day as I was passing in the field and that too with some dashes on my Conscience fearing lest yet all vvas not right suddenly
this sentence fell upon my Soul Thy righteousness is in Heaven and methought withall I saw with the eyes of my Soul Jesus Christ at Gods right hand there I say as my Righteousness so that where-ever I was or whatever I was a doing God could not say of me He wants my Righteousness for that was just before him I also saw moreover that it was not my good frame of Heart that made my Righteousness better nor yet my bad frame that made my Righteousness worse for my Righteousness was Jesus Christ himself the same yesterday to day and for ever Heb. 13.8 184. Now did my chains fall off my Legs indeed I was loosed from my affliction and irons my temptations also fled away so that from that time those dreadful Scriptures of God left off to tâ—ouble me now went I also home rejoycing for the grace and love of God So when I care home I looked to see if I could find that Sentence Thy Righteousness is in Heaven but could not find such a Saying wherefore my Heart began to sink again onely that was brought to my remembrance He is made unto us of God Wisdom Righteousness Sanctification and Redemption by this word I saw the other Sentence true 185. For by this Scripture I saw that the Man Christ Jesus as he is distinct from us as touching his bodily presence so he is our Righteousness and Sanctification before God here therefore I lived for some time very sweetly at peace with God thorow Christ O methought Christ Christ there was nothing but Christ that was before my eyes I was not now onely for looking upon this and the other benefit of Christ apart as of his Blood Burial or Resurrection but considered him as whole Christ as he in whom all these and all his other Vertues Relations Offices and Operations met together and that on the right hand of God in Heaven 186. 'T was glorious to me to see his exaltation and the worth and prevalencie of all his benefits and that because of this Now I could look from my self to him and should reckon that all those Graces of God that now were green in me were yet but like those crack'd-Groats and Four-pence-half-pennies that rich men carry in their Purses when their Gold is in their Trunks at home O I saw my Gold was in my Trunk at home in Christ my Lord and Saviour Now Christ was all all my Wisdom all my Righteousness all my Sanctification and all my Redemption 187. Further The Lord did also lead me into the mystery of Union with this Son of God that I was joyned to him that I was flesh of his flesh and bone of his bone and now was that a sweet word to me in Ephes. 5.3 By this also was my faith in him as my Righteousness the more confirmed to me for if he and I were one then his Righteousness was mine his Merits mine his Victory also mine Now could I see my self in Heaven and Earth at once in Heaven by my Christ by my Head by my Righteousness and Life though on Earth by my Body or Person 188. Now I saw Christ Jesus was looked on of God and should also be looked upon by us as that common or publick person in whom all tâ—e whole Body of his Elect are always to be considered and reckoned that we fulfilled the Law by him died by him rose from the dead by him got the Victory over sin death the devil and hell by him when he died we died and so of his Resurrection Thy dead men shall live together with my dead body shall they arise saith he Isa. 26. and again After two dayes he will revive us and the third day we shall live in his sight Hos. 6.2 which is now fulfilled by the sitting down of the Son of Man on the right hand of the Majesty in the Heavens according to that to the Ephesians He hath raised us up together and made us sit together in heavenly places in Christ Jesus Ephes. 2.6 189. Ah these blessed consiâ—erations and Scriptures with many other of a like nature were in those days made to spangle in mine eyes Praise ye the Lord God in his Sanctuary praise him in the firmament of his power praise him for his mighty acts praise him according to his excellent greatness Psal. 150.1 2. 190. Having thus in few words giâ—en you a taste of the sorrow and affliction that my Soul went under by the guilt and terror that this my wicked thought did lay me under and having given you also a touch of my deliverance therefrom and of the sweet and blessed comfort that I met with afterwards which comfort dwelt about a twelve-month with my heart to my unspeakable admiraration I will now God willing before I proceed any further give yoâ— in a word or two what as I conceive was the cause of this Temptation and also after thaâ— what advantage at tâ—e last it became unto my Soul 191. For the causes I conceived they were principally two of which two also I was deeply convinced all the time this trouble lay upon me The first was Foâ— that I did not when I was deliveâ—ed from the Temptation that went before still pray to God to keep me from Temptations that were to come for though as I can say in truth my Soul was much in prayer before this tryal seized me yet then I prayed onely or at the most principally for the reâ—oval of present troubles and for fâ—esh discoveries of love in Christ which I saw afteâ—wards was not enough to do I also should have prayed that the great God would keep me from the evil that was to come 192. Of thâ—s I was made deeply sensible by the Prayer of holy David who when he was under present mercy yet prayed that God would hold him back from sin and temptation to come For then saith he shall I be upright and I shall be innocent from the GREAT transgression Psal. 19.13 by this very word was I gauâ—ed and condemned quite thorow this long temptation 193. That also was another word that did much condemn me for my folly in the negleâ—t of this duty Heb. 4.16 Let us therefâ—â—e come boldly to the Throne of Grace that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need this I had not done and therefore was suffered thus to sin and fall according to what is written Pray that ye enter not into temptation and tâ—uly this veâ—y thing is to this day of such weight and awe upon me that I dare not when I come befoâ—e the Loâ—d go off my knees until I intreat him for help and mercy against the teâ—ptations that are to come and I do beseech thee Reader that thou learn to beware of my negligence by the affliction that for this thing I did for days and months and years with sorrow undergoe 194. Another cause of this temptation was That I had tempted God and on this manner did I do it Upon a
time my Wife was great with Child and before her full time was come her pangs as of a woman in travel were fierce and sâ—rong upon her even as if sâ—e would immediately have fallen in labour and been delivered of an untimely birth now at this very time it was that I had been so strongly tempted to question the â—eing of God wherefore as my Wife lay crying by me I said but with all secresie immaginable even thinking in my heart Lord if thou wilt now remove this sad affliction from my Wife and cause that she be troubled no more therewith this night and now weâ—e her pangs just upon her then shall know that thou canst discern the most secret thought of the heart 195. I had no sooner said it in my â—eaâ—t but her pangs were taken fâ—om her and she was cast into a deep sleep and so she continued till morning at this I greatly marvelled not knowing what to think but after I had been awake a good while and heard her câ—y no more I fell to sleeping alâ—o So when I waked in the morning it came upon me again even what I had said in my heart the last night and how the Loâ—d had sâ—ewed me that he knew my secrâ—t tâ—oughts which was a great astonishment unto me for several weeks after 196. Well about a year and an half afterwards that wicked sinful thought of which I have spoken before went thorow my wicked heart even this thought Let Christ go if he will so when I was fallen under guilt for this the remembrance of my other thought and of the effect thereof vvould also come upon me vvith this retort vvhich carried also rebuke along vvith it Now you may see that God doth know the most secret thoughts of the heart now you may see that God doth know the most secret thoughts of the heart 197. And with this that of the passages that was betwixt the Lord and his servant Gideon fell upon my spirit how because that Gideon tempted God vvith his Fleece both vvet and dry vvhen he should have believed and ventured upon his Word therefore the Lord did afteâ—wards so try him as to send him against an innumerable company of Enemies and that too as to outward appearance vvithout any strength or help Judg. Chap. 6 7. Thus he seâ—ved me and that justly for I should have believed his Word and not have put an if upon the all-seeingness of God 198. And now to shew you something of the advantages that I also gained by this Temptation And first By this I vvas made continually to possess in my Soul a very vvonderful sence both of the being and glory of God and of his beloved Son in the temptation befoâ—e my Soul vvas perplexed vvith Atheism but now the case vvas otherwise novv vvas God and Christ continually before my face though not in a vvay of comfort but in a vvay of exceeding dread and terrour The glory of the Holiness of God did at this time break me to pieces and the Bovvels and Compassion of Christ did break me as on the Wheel for I coulâ— not consider him but as a lost and rejected Christ the remembrance of vvhich vvas as the continual breaking of my bones 199. The Scâ—iptures now also vvere vvonderful things unto me I savv that the truth and verity of them vveâ—e the Keys of the Kingdom of Heaven those the Scriptures favour they must inherit bliss but those they oppose and condemn must perish for evermore O this vvord For the Scriptures cannot be broken vvould â—end the caul of my heart and so vvould that other Whose sins ye remit they are remitted but whose sins ye retain they are retained Novv I savv the Apostles to be the Elders of the City of Refuge Josh. 20.4 those they vvere to receive in vvere received to Life but those that they shut out vvere to be slain by the avenger of blood 200. O! one sentence of the Scripture did more afflict and terrifie my mind I mean those sentences that stood against me as sometimes I thought they every one did more I say than an Army of forty thousand men that might have come against me Wo be to him against vvhom the Scriptures bend themselves 201. By this Temptation I vvas made see more into the nature of the Pâ—omise then ever I vvas before for I lying novv trembling under the mighty hand of God continually torn and rent by the thunderings of his Justice this made me vvith caâ—eful heart and vvatchful eye vvith great seriousness to turn over every leaf and with much diligence mixt vvith trembling to consider every sentence together vvith its natural foâ—ce and latitude 202. By this Temptation also I vvas greatly beaâ—en oft my former foolish practice of putting by the Word of Promise vâ—hen it came into my mind for now though I could not suck that comfort and sweetness from the Promise as I had done at other times yet like to a man a sinking I should catch at all I saw formerly I thought I might not meddle with the Promise unless I felt its comfort but now 't was no time thus to do the Avenger of blood too hardly did pursue me 203. Now therefore I was glad to catch at that word which yet I feared I had no ground nor right to own and even to leap into the Bosom of that Promise that yet I feared did shut its heart against me Now also I should labour to take the woâ—d as God had laid it down without restraining the natural force of one syllable thereof O what did I now see in that blessed sixth of John And him that comes to me I will in no wise cast out now I began to consider with my self that God had a bigger mouth to speak with than I had heart to conceive with I thought also with my self that he spake not his words in haste or in an unadvised hear but with infinite wisdom and judgement and in very truth and faithfulness 2 Sam. 3.28 204. I should in these dayes often in my greatest agonies even flounce towards the Promise as the horses do towards sound ground that yet stick in the mire concluding though as one almost bereft of his vvits through fear on this I will rest and stay and leave the fulfilling of it to the God of heaven that made it O! many a pull hath my heart had with Saâ—an for that blessed sixth of John I did not now as at other times look principally for comfoâ—t though O how welcome would it have been unto me but now a Word a Word to lean a weary Soul upon that I might not sink for ever 205. Yea often when I have been making to the Promise I have seen as if the Lord would â—efuse my Soul for ever I vvas often as if I had run upon the pikes and as if the Lord had thrust at me to keep me from him as with a flaming sword Then I should think of Esther who went to petition
the King contrary to the Law Esth. 4.16 I thought also of Benhadad's servants who went with ropes upon their heads to their Enemies for mercy 1 Kin. 20.31 c. the woman of Canaan also that would not be daunted though called dog by Christ Mat. 15.22 c. and the man that went to borrow bread at midnight Luk. 11.5 6 7 8 c. were great encouragements unto me 206. I never saw those heights and depths in grace and love and mercy as I saw after this temptation great sins do draw out great grace and where guilt is most terrible and fierce there the mercy of God in Christ when shewed to the Soul appears most high and mighty When Job had passed thorow his captivity he had twice as much as he had before Job 42.10 Blessed be God for Jesus Christ our Lord. Many other things I might here make observation of but I would be brief and therefore shall at this time omit them and do pray God that my harms may make others fear to offend lest they also be made to bear the iron yoak as I. 207. Now I shall go forward to give you a relation of other of the Lords dealings with me of his dealings with me at sundâ—y other seasons and of the temptations I then did meet withall I shall begin vvith vvhat I met vvith vvhen I first did joyn in fellowship vvith the People of God in Bedford After I had propounded to the Church that my desire vvas to vvalk in the Order and Ordinances of Christ vvith them and vvas also admitted by them vvhile I thought of that blessed Ordinance of Christ vvhich vvas his last Supper vvith his Disciples before his death that Scripture Do this in remembrance of me Luk. 22.19 was made a very precious word unto me for by it the Lord did come down upon my conscience with the discovery of his death for my sins and as I then felt did as if he plunged me in the vertue of the same But behold I had not been long a partaker at that Ordinance but such fierce and sad temptations did attend me at all times therein both to blaspheme the Ordinance and to wish some deadly thing to those that then did eat thereof that lest I should at any time be guilty of consenting to these wicked and fearful thoughts I was forced to bend my self all the while to pray to God to keep me from such blasphemies and also to cry to God to bless the Bread and Cup to them as it went from mouth to mouth The reason of this temptation I have thought since was because I did not with that reverence at first approach to partake thereof 208. Thus I continued for three quarters of a year and could never have rest nor ease but at last the Lord came in upon my Soul with that same Scripture by which my Soul was visited before and after that I have been usually very well and comfortable in the partaking of that blessed Ordinance and have I trust therein discerned the Lords Body as broken for my sins and that his pâ—ecious Blood had been shed for my transgressions 209. Upon a time I was somewhat inclining to a Consumption wherefore about the Spring I was suddenly and violently seized with much weakness in my outward man insomuch that I thought I could not live Now began I afresh to give my self up to a serious examination after my state and condition for the future and of my Evidences for that blessed world to come For it hath I bless the name of God been my usual course as alwayes so especially in the day of affliction to endeavour to keep my interest in Life to come clear before mine eye 210. But I had no sooner began to recall to mind my former experience of the goodness of God to my Soul but there came flocking into my mind an innumerable company of my sins and transgressions amongst which these were at this time most to my affliction namely my deadness dulness and coldness in holy Duties my wandrings of heart my wearisomness in all good things my want of love to God his wayes and people with this at the end of all Are these the fruits of Christianity are these the tokens of a blessed man 211. At the apprehension of these things my sickness was doubled upon me for now was I sick in my inward man my Soul was clog'd with guilt now also was all my former experience of Gods goodness to me quite taken out of my mind and hid as if it had never been nor seen Now was my Soul greatly pinched between these two considerations Live I must not Die I dare not now I sunk and fell in my Spiâ—it and was giving up all for lost but as I was walking up and down in the house as a man in a most woful state that word of God took hold of my heâ—rt Ye are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus Rom. 3.24 212. Now was I as one awakened out of some trouâ—lesome sleep and dream and listening to this heavenly sentence I was as if I heard it thus expounded to me Sinner thou thinkest that because of thy sins and infirmities I cannot save thy Soul but bâ—hold my Son is by me and upon him I look and not on tâ—ree and will deal with thee according as I am pleased with him at this I was greatly lightened in my mind and made to understand that God could justifie a Sinner at any time it was but looking upon Christ and imputing of his benefits to us and the work was forthwith done 213. And as I was thus in a muse that Scripture came with great power upon my Spirit Not by works of righteousness that we have done but according to his mercy he saved us c. 2 Tim. 1 9. Tit. 3.5 now was I got on high I saw my self within the arms of Grace and Mercy and though I was before afraid to think of a dying hour yet now I câ—ied Let me die now death was lovely and beautiful in my sight for I saw we shall never live indeed till we be gone to the other World O methought this life is but a slumber in comparison of that above at this time also I saw more in those words Heirs of God Rom. 8.17 then ever I shall be able to expâ—ess while I live in this world Heirs of God! God himself is the portion of the Saints this I saw and wondered at but cannot tell you what I saw 214. At another time though just before I was pretty well and savoury in my spirit yet suddenly there fell upon me a great cloud of darkness which did so hide from me the things of God and Christ that I was as if I had never seen or known them in my life I was also so over-run in my Soul with a senceless heartless frame of spirit that I could not feel my Soul to move or stir after grace and life