THE CHARACTER OF AN Oxford-Incendiary AN Oxford Incendiary is a Court Salamander whose proper element is Fire An English-man yet lives by Antiperistasis to his native Climate and turnes our Northern-temperate into the Torrid Zone All ancient Philosophers are by him confuted having made one Region more of Fire than they dream't of Nor is it any wonder seeing he creates new Prodigies every day I suppose him lineally descended from St. Georges Fiery Dragon And if you please to enquire of Doctor Heylyn he may chance to make good the Heraldry But whosoever was the Sire mother he hath none that I can heare of nor do I beleeve that Nature our common-mother will own the Monster For his Name you may if you please make bold with Ovid and call him Phaeton for he rules the Chariot of the Sun and having gotten the Reines in his own hand hurries all into Combustion yet the desperate wretch cares not so he may work a Metamorphosis upon the Nation or mingle his own with the Kingdomes Ashes His Birth place I take to be Mount Aetna there Empedocles acted the Man-midwife and deliver'd him out at the Tonnels If the Pope want a Leiger for Purgatory none can fit him better he being of a Constitution and Religion suitable to the Service But his employment must be altogether at home else the Deluded Fraternity will grow chill in their designes here and to them there 's no Sport without a Fire-drake or an Ignis Fatuus To be a little more plain an Oxford-Incendiary is the excrement of ill-govern'd Monarchy the vast volume of Treason wrap't up in an Epitome one that feeds the Vulture Prerogative with the Carkasse of the Common-wealth that it may disgorge into his own Coffers and makes a Mule to say no worse of Majesty to carry him through all his own private designes against the Publick Yet notwithstanding his proper Spheare is the Court there He shines a bright Constellation of Royall Favour though the whole Kingdome beside takes him for a Prodigious Comet and behold him with the same countenance as they did that in the yeare 1618. Nor is it without reason when the meanest Prognosticator cries that he portends the ruine of some great Princes Upon his Influence depends the Almanack of Treason exactly Calculated for the severall Meridians of England Scotland France and Ireland for from thence you may judge of all Eclypses between King and Parliament or tell what weather will be in Great Britain the whole year following Thus Jupiter and Mars meeting in Conjunction at York with a direfull Aspect threatned misery to the Nation though it produced no effect till an Interposition of Malignants at Shrewsbury and an oblique Course of Venus from Holland bade us expect a Deluge of blood Indeed it may serve for Great Britain and Ireland with very little or no difference for the Tragedy and Actors are the same only the Scenes are severall the better to dresse out the Plot and make it seeme more intricate Thus the rare Irish Commission was begotten of English parents when the Earle of Antrim was made a God-father to the designe though Ormond had rather forfeit his Honour and Conscience than say they were English Hands which cut the Protestants throats with an Irish knife But this is not all the train of Gun-powder reaches to Scotland and there they light Matches to blow up the fidelity of that Nation Which not taking effect upon the Heads then Squib-cracks are tyed to the very Breech of Thule to set fire on the High-land Wildernesse for in such barren places is their Harvests Rare Vipers who thrive best out of the Sun-shine in the darke Caves of Barbarisme and Ignorance But stand off or provide an Antidote The most prodigious Serpent comes crawling this way some monstrous African or American for sure it is not of the British Broad yet every Cavalier carries it in his bosome like a Tame-Snake It is the Commission of Array a very flying Dragon hatch't in a Conventicle of Spit-fires an illegitimate By-blow to supplant the Militia It was spawned at White-Hall there the Cock-brain'd Crew engendred with their Masters Female understanding At York it became an Egge O that it had then been crush't But afterwards scarce pen-feather'd it ventur'd a flight toward Hull yet fell short and was sore bruised Notwithstanding this it crept to Nottingham and there in hope of recovery voyded a Standard with a Declaration or two evident Symptomes of a Bloody Flux at hand But the Leeches not able to draw blood there betook themselves westward toward Wales and there fell to sucking at the â—â—ther Posterne of the Kingdome It was time then to cast the water of the State and purge out the â—â—â—â—ments of the Body Politique Now the Gaine begins Roome for the Roman Actors Here the Bishops wrack themselves in a Pulpit vomiting up Daggers like Hocus to amaze the People doctrine Cannon-proofe and let the Devill make Application so he can convert all to his Majesties use If the Pope be Commander in Chiefe it is but reason they should be Major-Generals and for Inferiour Officers Deanes and Arch-deacons the only Colonels Prebends Lieutenant-Colonels Big-bellied Parsons Majors Vicars Captains Curates Eusignes And for the rest they cannot be wanting when there are whole Swarmes of the same Breed of Caterpillâ—rs in both Vniversities These are Spaniels to the Incendiary in hope of Preferment He leads them in Couples breeds them to fetch and carry after his own humour and to be at the word of Command But the sport is to see a Dogge handle a Drum-stick yet these docile creatures will do it and beat up their Drums in all Churches and Chappels to alarme the People against Reformation and the Parliament This black Brigade are of the same linage with the Incendiary he hugs them as his white-Boyes And to say the Truth there is not a hairâ— difference between them the Chiefe of the Prelaticall Clergie being the principall if not the only Fire-men And therefore it cannot be amisse to present them in the first Rank of Tragedians seeing our Scene is the precious Vniversity of Oxford As the Prologue before the Play enter Canterbury the Pope's Pigmie-Champion the meritorious Traytor the Catholique Demi-Calvering the reverend Granado who lived to set all on sire yet escap't the Martyrdom of hanging to be quench't upon a Scaffold whereas the other kind of death had been more suitable to his Life having alwayes been a Pendant in the eare of Majesty This is he that took water lately at the Tower being bound for the Red Sea but that for his presumption in comparing himself with Christ and His Apostles and threatning Charon with the Star-chamber he o're turn'd the Ferry-boat and let him drop into Purgatory Thus it is to quarrell with a Water-man A Broome a Broome Sweep the Stage Here comes Religion in Slip-shooes and Sandals Mistris Novelties Gentleman-Usher clad in Robes of Antiquity the Bel-man of the Jewish Temple Aaron
in the last Edition Wren turn'd Robin redbrest as gay as the Bird of Paradise with his man Pocklyâ—ton at his heeles These two like Lightning and Thunder never parted two Dixesan Eâ—â—â—eâ—stâ— that conjur'd away all godly Ministers by Bell Booke and Candle Their Charmâ—s were so strong that nothing could lay them but a Parliament the Kingdoms Aâ—â—idâ—â—e Now single out Pocklyâ—con from his Masteâ— and couple with him Heylyn two of Canterbury's prime Beagles and as famous as his Breed of Smyrna Cats These two held a Conspiracy against the Sabbath help't to reare up an Altar with the Title of Christianum set up the Ten Commandementâ— over it where they might plainly reade themselves Sabbath breakers and Idolaters and yet continued to worship both it and the Candle-sticks committing Fornication with Gold and Timber Nor is this all Heylyn can shew more Tricks than â—ne for a Bishoprick To make good the Roâ—an Kalendar he will prove St. George a Reall Saint and then upon this Sandy foundation creates an imaginary honour to the most honourable Order of the Garter as if the Protestant Nobility of this Kingdom would be taken with Romish Gu-gaws or pleased with such trifling fetches Yet beleeve me as the times went it was a politick fetch for Preferment And now we talk of Preferment enter Owen Glendour on Horse-back Brute's Cousin-German and the Top of her kindred Welsh Williams the Prelate of York This is thâ— Pepper-â—osed Caliph that snuffes huffes and puffes Ingratitude at the Parliament though they freed him from Prison and put his Adversary in his roome Tell him of Reformation and you transforme him to a Turkie-cock A Jack-a-Lent made of a Red Herring and a Leek will not more inflame him than the name of Presbytery Soâ—e kind Heart take this Incendiary and coole him or vexation will consume him to Ashes But I wonder how it comes to passe that Armagh shou'd be Ranked here The case stood otherwise once nay he Ebb'd so far from his Archiepiscopall dignity as to turne Lecturer and so brought himselfe into a possibility of Heaven till the old man began to dote upon the World again I cannot tell to what I might attribute his Apostacy to his Climate or his Conscience his Country or his Religion or both yet we have found him a right Irish-man and a second Spalato It is a rare Mystery that this Pageant should be so persecuted by the Rebels as to fly for his life out of Ireland and yet be able to digest them and their Counsels at Oxford But was it ever seen that a Bishop would be out with any that were in at the Court This is the Prelates heaven there they are all Parallel though distant in their ends as in the Circumference yet united in the Center Give their Ambition Line enough and you may De-Coy them whither you please Thus our quondam Saint Patrick slip't into the Bogge at Oxford I should have done with them now but that I find another in over head and eares I mean the Brewâ—r in Pontificalibus Duppa the formall Dray-horse that carries about Holy-water in Rundlets to furnish the Court Camp and Vniversit Davis the Barber shaves his Majesty with the very same for there need no wash-bals when the Exorcisme scours beyond Sope-suds This is he that puts down Gunter in his Fire-work Protestations against the Protestant Religion and then in His Majesties name charges them upon the People For the same purpose also he frames Enchanted Prayers for Christ-Church Chappell and so makes the Organs at once pipe out Impiety against Heaven and Treason against the State God blesse Prince Charles for this is his Tutor He cries to him when you pray say thus but what A Pater-noster or two with a little Collect and Letany after the Tradition of his Fathers from which my Letany shall be Good Lord deliver him But if you would know him better let Stewart the Ghost of Arminius appeare to bring in the Catastrophe These two are Brothers both having the Whore of Babylon for their Mother and the sons of Pelagius by hereticall adoption The foundation of old Rome saith History was laid in blood and these Romuli take the same course to be Founders of new Rome here in England The name of Peace puts them into a Fit of the Colick It stings like a Tarantida for nothing will cure them but the Musick of warre Now sound aloud Avaunt ye Black-coats the Court-Pagâ—ants are Entring Straford without a Head But let him pâ—sse for a Dionbe show the Tyrant hath had his Exit already by Order of Parliament Who comes next What Henrieta Maria Sure our Incendiary is an Hermaphrodite and admits of both Sexes The Irish Rebels call Her their Generalissima what Shee willed they acted Shee set them on worke and they pay themselves their wages out of the Protestants estates Because the Pope is turned out of dores She makes the Fatall Sisters and Furiâ—s of her Privy-Councell and proceeds so meritoriously manfull that Kenelne Dighy consults now with His Holinesse to have her set in the Rubrick by the name of Saint Nemesis in Breeches How many Breeding Fits hath shee had since the comming over of Madam Bel-dame And no sooner Deliver'd of one Plot but within the Moneth a Conception of another I wonder at Neptune's rage against these two Mother and Daughter for they never crossed the Sea but a Tempest followed which shewes that they were not of the Halcyon Brood But the Flame rises not high enough yet therefore hasten away the two Bellowes-menders from Holland Rupert and Maurice Simeon and Levi A miracle that a Phoenix should bring forth two such Vipers If this be too bold know that the Gaine is begun and then all fellowes at Foot-ball But I spare them though they are so unnaturall as not to spare that Nation which bred them up Next enter a Gentleman in disguise newly landed out of the ship called the Providence Achitophel Junior with store of Sampson's Foxes and Firebrands Pull off his Vizard and his name is George Digby This is the beardlesse Solon Lycurgus newly whip't out of long-Coats into the Privy Councell Treacherie's Man-midwife and Machiavel's Catamite for by him were spawned those desperate Aphorismes and Positions of his Majestie 's wandring from his Parliament What we wonder at in the rest is naturall to him being a native Spaniard to have an Antipathy to the weale of our Nation for an Atheist that hath neither Religion nor Conscience to sway him followes the Constitution and engrafted Principles of his Climate The truth of this they knew well enough that fetch 't him out of the Senate to the Court and the Spanish Guilt-head swallowed the Bait immediatly Faces about fare-well to Religion Honour Parliament Common-honesty and all for he waited but for such an opportunity as well as Colepeper and Dering though the latter missâ—t it More Spaniards yet Bristoll and Cortington Rare Peccadillo's Impes of Spâ—â—â—â—le two of Gâ—ndemar's Jockies that posted
between White-hall and Matrâ—l â—â—ill at length they morgaged England with the Protestant Religion for a pension of Spanish Gomâ—â—s and Barres of Silver which they have striâ—en since to repay together with the Interest of pernicious Counsels and secret Practises Upon a Return of the Indian Plate-fleet these Hirelings will do any thing even sacrifice their Country to those Gods of America Here comes a Gentleman of the Long-Robe Littleton the egregious Pick-pocket that would have stollen away the Kingdomes Purse from the Parliament which renders him by the known Lawes a most intolerable Traytour He promises His Majesty to make all good by â—aw but first intends to banish Dalton Cooke and the rest as Hoâ—erodox Petty-foggers and Sparious Authors If no body will beleeve he can maintain the Slaunder of Revels yet his Impudence can disdain all such Scruples though with Arguments grounded upon a manifest Contradiction to the States Fundamentals What he cannot do Heath will This Tetter converses altogether with Old out-worn Records to make good the Case He might do well then to come and search in the Tower if he dare venture his neck upon the Point in a legall Triall In him we find it true that an old man is twice a child for he stands in feare of every bigger Boy at Court Beside he makes a sine Hobby-horse of the Prerogative and tricks it ever and anon with illegall Richards Hee procreates Proclamations also in private yet avowes the Spurious Issue as legitimate as Acts of Parliament and so upon pain of high displeasure the subjects must own them like the needy Fornicator that layes his Braâ—s at other mens doors There are more Adulterers of the Law but stay here 's a Poast come to Town with ill Newes Oh Bristol Bristol is lost Up starts the Jewes West ward hoy Off goes their Parliament-purple and away to Oxford This rotten Limbe of the Representative Body boasts it self as healthfull and sound as the whole and having been Catechiz'd a while at Court would answer to no Name but PARLIAMENT O prodigious Nay the Râ—â—â—gaâ—e Conventicle had the Impudence to sit and Vote the Kingdom Slaves and for this thought themselves highly recompenced with a Smile or two from the Supreme Pâ—â—ticoaâ—e No heaven now but there they offer Incense to Traytors and have the conscience to Idolize and Irish Rebel a murtherer of Pruestants imitating herein the naked Indians who worship the Deâ—â—l for destroying their Kindred But the best of it is this Fire-work never did much mischiefe though all wayes have been tryed from the Squib to the Cannon for they never durst stand to it yet Alwayes in motion the Curse of Cain pursueâ— them as a just reward that these who chose to live should also dye Run-agaâ—â—s What think yee then of Monâ—â—osse This Lapwing-Incenâ—iâ—â—y ran away balse-hatch's from Oxford to raise a Combustion in Scotland As his Totors in England so he thrives best there where is most Ignorance He raked up the Remains of ancient Barbarisme and souder'd them togethen with Creatures of like Mettall from Ireland the very Drosse of both Couâ—â—â—â—ieâ— coagulated into an Army The first sight of them would convert a Saâ—ducee and make him confesse a Resurrection of the old Heathen Picts and Kerns Strange names they have And should Herald venture to reckon the Câ—nealogy he might he taken for a Conjureâ— The repetition of twenty Mac's O Connor's O Brian's and O Donnel's were a Charme for the Gâ—â—t on an Ague beyond all the Magneticks in Chymistry This Mountainous Breed of Pagans like the old earth-born Giants fighâ— against Heaven bidding defiance to Christ and his Gospell concerning which they know no more than what belongs to Blasphemy Miserable then is that Prince who counts such his best Subjects Most abominable is that Cause which cannot stand but with such Supporters Of late they Domincer'd with Superlative Tyranny and had in conceit swallowed all Scotland but now the Monsters surfeit with their owne bloud And if eyer they recover their Stomacks it will be but for a running Banquet There 's Ormâ—nd too the Jâ—â—gling Marquis the new Popin-Jay Duke and to give him all his Titles Lord Protector of the Rebels for the Wolves are brought now into the same Fold with the Sheep They say commonly now that there 's not a Rebel in Ireland Are they not good men then at Oxford to fight so long till they have left never a Rebel But the late Peace confirmes them good Subjects though Rebels before Thus by entertaining this Paradox for Truth the Pie-bald Marquis got his Dukedome of Ossory Antrim's a Rebel not worth the naming nor that precious peece of Iron-work his Dutches yet I must needs say Shee was a Lady rarely mark't out for two eminent Husbands the beds of Buckingham and Antrim this latter more pernicious than a bed of Scorpions Yet there 's one Marquis more a wise one God wot Winchester the man of Basing but let him passe he has not wit enough to be an Incendiary And for Newcastle He 's but a Counterfeit Marquis at the best but a Play-wright one of Apollo's Whirligigs one that when he should be fighting would be fornicating with the Nine Muses or the Deane of York's daughters a very Thing a Soule traducted out of Perfume and Complement a silken Generall that ran away beyond Sea in a Sayler's Canvas He with his Tinder-box of Authority first lighted the Fire in the North yet was so kind to see it quench't again ere he left us But the Westerâ—â—â— quib 〈◊〉 bolds 〈◊〉 stills and râ—gâ—â— beyond Gunpowder with Aqua vilae but there are other Ingrediâ—â—ts of Atheisme joyned to him which make the Blaze in the West shew so big for he of himselfe is nothing now The man lives toward the Sun-setting treads Antipodes of late to Victory and despairs of appearing East again yet to comfort him because the Parliament lay claime to his Bald-pate the King hath given him a Perewigg of Honour I had almost forgotten Goring Her Majesties Jeweller Shee plunder'd the Crowne and he conveyed away converting all into Armes and Gunpowder Rare Philosophicall transinutation But this is the least part of his skill for in time of Peace hee was so expert an Alchemist that hee turned Rags and worse things into Gold and Silver There 's butcherly Jermyn too contemptible Harry the left Leg of a Lord He that wraps up his Treason in fine Linnen He Master of the Horse Mount the Chicken upon an Elephant for he 's a man of some Substance though little Revenue somewhat too ugly in my opinion for a Ladies Favourite yet that 's nothing to some for the old Lady that dyed in Flanders regarded not the Feature This Feather-bed Traytor must passe also for an Incendiary for Justice put the Gentleman into such a Fright that to make one Shift he avoyded another and at an ill Season took his long Journey in Spanish-leather Boots There are other Whelps of Catiline but it were endlesse to reckon up all I shall conclude thus What the Poets feigne of Hercules his Hydra is truth of our Incendiary It is a fertile Monster of many heads for by lopping off one up starts a miraculous generation of many more Then as it cannot be imagined how he conquer'd that prodigious Enemy but by striking off all the Heads at a Blow So the ready way to quell this must be to bring the whole Rabble at once to Excecution FINIS London printed for Robert White