desired for foure or fiue yeares togeather before her end and then she dyed vpon a suddaine without being so much as visited and much lesse Confessed But the happines was that according to the custome which she had held there was little more then eight dayes expired after her last Confession This made me a very glad woeman when I knew of her death and she stayed a very short time in Purgatorie Nor is it yet aboue eight dayes since our Lord appeared to me after I had receaued the Blessed Sacrament and was pleased to let me see how he carried my Sisters soule into glorie In all these yeares from the time when the particular concerning her was told me till her very death I forgot not that which had been giuen me to be vnderstood concerning her as neither also did my Companion For as soone as she had heard of my Sisters death she came towards me with much admiration to see how all had been fulfilled Let our Lord be praised for euer who vouchsafes to take such care of Soules to the end that they may not perish Amen THE FIVE AND THIRTIETH CHAPTER She prosecutes the same Discourse about the Foundation of this House of our Glorious Father S. Ioseph She speakes of the degrees by vvhich our Lord came to appoint that holie Pouertie should be ordained there and of the cause vvhy she came from that Ladie vvith vvhome she vvas and of other things also vvhich succeeded BVt now whilst I was with that Ladie of whome I haue spoken and with whome I had remained more then half a yeare our Lord did so ordaine that a certaine holie woeman of our Order fell out to come from a place which was no lesse then three-score and then leagues off from this and to ariue heer and to lengthen her way by some leagues on purpose to speake with me Our Lord had moued her to this in the self-same yeare when he moued me to make another Monasterie of this Order And as soone as she had entertained this desire she sold whatsoeuer she possessed and went her self bare-foot to Rome to get and bring-away the Dispatch of this Busines This woeman is a person of much Pennance and Prayer and our Lord did her manie Fauours and our B. Ladie appeared to her and required her still to doe what she was doing and she serued our Blessed Lord so incomparably beyond anie thing that I could doe that I was in confusion euen to appeare in her presence She shewed me the Dispatches which she brought from Rome and in those fifteen dayes which she stayd with me we tooke order how we would make these Monasteries and till I had spoken with her it neuer had come to my knowledge that our Rule till it was relaxed did euer command that none of the Religious Houses of our Order should haue anie proprietie in anie goods Nor had my self had anie purpose to found anie Monasterie at all without Reuenue for my intention was that we should be free from the care of procuring anie such thing as we might be in necessitie to vse But this Blessed Woeman hauing been instructed by our Lord was growne to vnderstand that truth very well without being able so much as to read of which truth I was ignorant euen after haueing taken so much paines to read ouer the Constitutions of our Order And as soone as she acquainted me with her purpose I liked it well though yet I was afrayd that it would not be yeilded to but that they would say perhaps that these were but impertinencies and wish that I would not doe anie thing whereby others might be put to suffer through my fault Though yet in very deed if I had been alone I would not haue been detained one minute from doeing it since it would be a Regalo to my Soule to obserue follow the Counsailes of Iesus-Christ our Lord for really his Diuine Maiestie had already giuen me great desires to obserue Pouertie So that for my part I made no doubt but that this was best yea and I had long desired that it might be possible and compatible with my state that I might goe begging my bread for the loue of God without hauing so much as a house or anie thing els But only I was in feare that if our Blessed Lord should not giue the self-same desires to others which he gaue to me they would liue perhaps with disgust and consequently that it might proue a cause of some distraction or diuision For I saw that there were some poore Monasteries which liued not with much recollection and I considered not that their not being recollected was the cause of their being so poore and not their Pouertie the cause of their want of Recollection For distraction makes them not more rich nor is euer Almightie God wanting to such as serue him In fine my Faith was weake which that of this Seruant of God was not But now I who would be taking the opinion of so manie persons for euerie thing which I was to doe could find no bodie of this minde no nor euen my Ghostlie Father himself nor yet those other learned men whome I consulted in the case but they brought me so manie reasons against it that I knew not which way to turne my self For I for my part who knew already that it was the Rule of the order and knew also that it was a point of more perfection could not perswade my self to haue Reuenue And though sometimes they conuinced me towards their opinion yet still when I returned to Prayer and considered Christ our Lord so very poore and naked vpon the Crosse I was not able so much as to find patience for being rich But I humbly besought him with teares to ordaine things in such sort that I might be poore like him And I found so manie inconueniences euen in hauing Reuenue and found it to be so great a cause of disquiet yea and euen of distraction also that I did nothing but dispute the busines with those learned men I wrote also about it to that Religious man of S. Dominick's Order who assisted vs and he sent me two sheets of Paper which he had written by way of contradiction to me and he grounded himself in Theologie for the perswading me not to doe it yea and he told me that he had studied the point very well To which I answered him that for not following my Vocation and for not performing the Vow which I had made of Pouertie and embracing the Counsailes of Christ our Lord in all perfection I meant not to make vse of his Theologie nor of his Learning and therefore that in this case he might be pleased to excuse me For my part I was very glad when I found anie Creature who woud helpe me and the Ladie with whome I was assisted me particularly heerin There were others also who told me instantly at the first that they liked it well but afterward when they considered it better they
had a minde to be most particularly serued and glorifyed by it and that the Soules which would consecrate themselues to him therein might proue to be holie and happie in a very eminent degree as long as they would continue attentiue and carefull not to swarue from that Spirit which was deriued to them from Heauen through S. Teresa by her Prayers and teares and other holie meanes Which Spirit of hers though it euidently appeare both by the exercise and example of all Heroicall Vertue yet particularly it seemes to ayme and point at the regular and constant vse of Recollection Mentall Prayer vvhereof she speakes oftnest and vvith most particular desire and care and appoints two Howers to be employed euerie day therein besides all other Deuotions of anie kind vvhich is practised by all her holy Religious and is really that time vvhich giues them more aboundant ioy then all the rest And indeed she takes manie occasions not only to recommend it earnestly to the Children and Successours of her owne Order but exhorts also all Creatures who will haue the happines to be the true Seruants of our Blessed Lord to take fast hold by this Anker in their Nauigation through the Sea of this vvorld In vvhich Sea not only they who are best shipped but euen such others also as haue been cast ouer board from Grace into the storme and tempest of a Sinnefull life may yet by meanes of Prayer proue able yea and morally certaine through the mercie of Almightie God to recouer the assured Port of Saluation For in the iudgement of this excellent creature this point and practise of Mentall Prayer is the most sacred and soueraigne help by way either of Preseruatiue before Sinne or yet of remedie or Restoratiue after it which can possibly be found or ministred in this world and indeed a kind of Manna from Heauen which imparts all kind of Good to the Soule Good alwayes in the substantiall vvay because it alwayes brings encrease of grace so enables men to vvinne great victoryes ouer themselues where by they daily grow to be the Seruants of Almighty God more more And sometimes also Good in a vvay of most soueraigne sweetnes beyond any thing which Flesh Blood knowes how to imagine But yet to make the Soule capable of this last she must resolue to vntye her selfe vvholy and it must indeed be wholy not only from the firme purpose of committing any Sinne vvhether it be great or small but euen from the very fastning her affections in any manner of inordinate vvay to any Creature of any kind though yet it should not be vnlawfull in it selfe And a most particular care must also be taken by all such as vvill follow the footstepps directions of this Glorious Saint vpon vvhich she presses so very often so very hard in twenty places of this excellent Worke That a Soule which pretends to serue our Blessed Lord in this kind as she ought must resolue both very faithfully very early to dispose herselfe to doe it with true perfect Liberty of Spirit that is with an absolute intention determination to doe it meerly because it is the holy Will of our B. Lord and because he hath made it the meanes vvhereby she may obtaine the pardon of her Sinnes and acquire all Christian vertue through encrease of Grace and pay both frequent ardent acts of Homage Greife Loue to his Diuine Maiestie procure an imitation of those Heroicall vertues which he was pleased to expresse in his bitter Passion And aboue all things the Saint requires vs to take heed of haueing any mercenary respect at all to receiue gusts spirituall delights or other higher Fauours from him in this Life but to remitt all such things to the next and so that vvee may euer doe him true Seruice to leaue it with all indifferency conformity to our Blessed Lord whether he vvill dispence all his Fauours to vs at one payment in the next world or els by parts portions in this And whosoeuer shall be of a different minde vvill not only disoblige the Glorious S. Teresa her selfe but may also make this Booke both an vnprofitable vnvsefull yea euen an inconuenient Study for his Soule But to returne to the glorious actions of this Saint That besides the instituting or redressing this Order where she had both men and woemen though yet cheifly her owne Sex in her eye she should also being only but a Woeman be able so to worke vpon men as in despight of lesse rigour no little enuie to bring them to take as it were the Law at her hands and notwithstanding the pride of Old Adam to ouer-worke them to co-operate vvith the Grace of the Nevv and to make them not disdaine to accept of her Instruction and to apply themselues to the imitation of this Virgin vvill not allow vs to doe anie thing but vvonder saue that it was most euidently the hand and the strong hand of Almightie God vvho enabled and strengthned this deare Seruant of his to be the Instrument of so Heroicall a vvorke And all this is so excellently set downe by the sayd Doctour Levvis de Leon as that I vvill doe both the Saint and her Children the right to shew them the verie Fountaine it self from vvhence the Relation springs and not deface or disgrace it by anie imperfect description of mine owne You are therefore to vnderstand and consider for these circumstāces are not impertinent to the substance that some yeares after the death of this excellent Creature S. Teresa and long before she vvas declared a Saint by the iudgement of the Holie Catholique Church in the Processe vvhereof there vses euer to be euen an excesse of difficulty in weighing and admitting of all Proofes there grew a question about the publishing of her Writings and Workes And to the end that nothing might be done therein either by anie indiscreet zeale or other accident the Councel Royall of Spaine vvhich is a Bodie of great Authoritie Wisdome committed the review of vvhatsoeuer the Saint had left behind her in that kind to be cōsidered by some fitt graue person that so that vvhich should be found to be truly hers might be distinguished from other things and so proceed to be publique by Authoritie This person vvas a learned and renowned man a Father of S. Dominicks Order a Doctour vvho liued in Madrid at that time His name vvas Levvis de Leon as I sayd before vvho togeather with acknowledging and approuing yea and admiring her Writings whereof this Life of hers is the cheife employed himself also with great care to set them out himself And vvhen this Booke went to the Presse he dedicated it to the Prioresse and Religious Woemen of the Teresian-Carmelites vvho then vvere newly founded in Madrid And heer you shall be entertained vvith as much of that Dedicatorie Epistle as imports the excellencie both of the Holie Mother S.
my Parents but by the way of Vertue My Father was a man of much charitie towards poore people and of compassion towards the sick yea and he had so much pittie euen of his seruants that he could neuer resolue to keepe anie slaues for the tendernes which he had towards them And there being once a slaue in his house who belonged to a Brother of his he caused him to be treated and fed as if he had been one of his owne Children and sayd through his great compassion that he could not endure to see such as he was vnless they might be made free He was a man of much truth nor did euer anie creature heare him either detract or sweare He was exeedingly honest and chast My Mother also was enriched with manie Vertues and she passed through this life of hers with grieuous sicknesses Her chastitie and puritie was great in the verie highest degree and though she had an abundance of Beautie yet was it neuer so much as heard that she gaue occasion for the world to conceaue that she made anie account of it at all For comming afterwards to dye when she was but three and thirtie yeares old the order of her attire had yet been such as might haue well become a person of Age. She was of a most sweet disposition and yet vvithall of a very solid vnderstanding The afflictions vvhich she sustained in this life vvere great and she made a most Christian end when she dyed VVe vvere three Sisters and nine Brothers and all through the goodnes of Almightie God vvere like our Parents in being vertuous except myself though yet I vvas the most beloued of them all by my Father and truly till I beganne to offend Almightie God he might seeme to haue had some reason For it goes to my verie hart to remember and consider those good inclinations vvhich our Lord had giuen me and the very little I knew how to serue myself thereof My Brothers also vvere such in their proceeding and vvay of life as that they did not by anie meanes dis-assist me from seruing Almightie God One of them vvas almost of my yeares and I loued him best of them all though yet I loued them all very much as they also did me But vve tvvo ioyned much togeather in reading the Liues of Saints and when I saw the Martyrdomes through vvhich some of them had passed for the loue of our Lord me thought they had bought Heauen vvhere they vvere to see and enioy his Diuine Maiestie very good cheape And myself also desired much to dye so though not yet for the loue vvhich I found and felt my self to beare him but rather that I might come by so compendious a vvay to enioy those great felicities which I had read to be imparted in Heauen I associated my self therefore to this Brother of mine to consider vvhat meanes there might be for our obtaining this end And so vve grevv to resolue that vve vvould goe into Barbarie amongst the Mores and begg by the vvay as vve vvent that so vve might come by degrees to loose our liues there for our Lord. And it seemed that he gaue vs courage enough for this purpose euen in that tender age of ours if vve could haue found anie meanes to sett it on foot but our euen hauing of Parents seemed to be the greatest hindrance vve had We found our selues much amazed to perceaue in those things vvhich vve read that both the Paine and Glorie of the next life vvas to last for euer and vve chanced to speake often of this particular and vve tooke pleasure in repeating these vvords many times For euer For euer For euer and by continuing to pronounce them long and often our Lord vvas pleased to imprint the way of Truth vpon my hart in that verie infancie of mine But novv vvhen I savv it vvas impossible for me to goe where they might put me to death for the loue of our Lord my Brother and I proiected how to become Heremits at home and so in a certaine Garden vvhich belonged to the house vve procured to set vp some little Oratoryes or Chappels after the manner of Heremitages the best we could and vve assembled little stones for that purpose vvhich vvould instantly be falling downe againe and so vve met vvith no meanes to put out good desires in execution But in the meane time I am not vvithout some feeling of deuotion to consider hovv soone it pleased Almightie God to giue me this kinde of tendernes towards him vvhich aftervvards I grevv to loose through mine ovvne fault I gaue Almes as vvel as I could though it vvere but little I procured to be much alone for the better doing my deuotions vvhich vvere manie and especially that of the Rosarie to which my Mother vvas much affected and she endeauoured also to make vs so I tooke particular contentment vvhilst I vvas playing vvith other Children like myself to frame certaine little things like Monasteries as if vve had been Religious woemen and me thought I desired to be one though yet not vvith such vehemencie of affection as I did those other things vvhereof I spake I remember that vvhen my Mother dyed she left me a little less then tvvelue yeares old and as soone as I beganne to vnderstand hovv great a losse I had sustained by loosing her I vvas very much afflicted and so I vvent besore an Image of our Blessed Ladie and I humbly besought her vvith manie teares that she vvould vouchsafe to be my Mother And though I performed this little action but in a plaine and simple manner yet me thinkes I may vvel conceaue that it hath serued me to verie good purpose for I haue most euidently found the fauour of this Soueraigne Virgin concerning all things vvherein I haue recommended myself to her care and in fine she hath brought me about to her self It afflictes me to the very hart to see and consider hovv poore those impediments vvere vvhich kept me from remaining entire and constant in those good desires vvhich I beganne to haue But O my deare Lord since it seemes thou vvilt vouchsafe to saue me and I beseech thy Diuine Maiestie that it my be so and to shevv me so great fauours as thou hast donne me might it not please thee not for my interest and profit but for that high reuerence vvhich is due to thy self to take order that this house of my hart vvherein thou shouldst for euer remaine might be no more defiled Nay it goes O Lord to my verie soule euen to say thus much because I knovv and feele that the fault therof vvas vvholy mine for as for thee I finde clearly enough that there wanted nothing at all on thy part to secure me for being totally thine ovvne euen from that tender age of mine And if I vvould be content to seeke some colour to complaine of my Parents vvith as little reason also can I doe that since I could neuer discouer any thing in
also with hauing begunne so to vse Prayer as that I might be able to carrie my paine with much conformitie to his holie will The conuersation of my hart was wholy with him and I carried these words of Iob very vsually both in my thought and in my mouth Since vve haue receaued blessings and benefits at the hand of our Lord vvhy should vve not also suffer afflictions And I conceaued that this holpe to giue me courage At length came the Feast of our B. Ladie in August for till then from the April before had my torment continued though yet it had been greater in the three last moneths I then made hast to goe to Confession for I euer tooke much contentment to Confesse often My friends thought that it was feare of death which inuited me to be so deuout and so to the end that I might not be put into apprehension my Father would not let mee Confesse O inordinate and irregular loue of flesh and bloud since though I had so Catholick a Father and so full of prudence and consideration in all his actions which euen abounded in him for this could not be an effect of ignorance yet he might haue donne me hurt enough by this meanes That night I fell into such a Trance as continued to keepe me neer foure dayes without the vse almost of anie of my senses and shortly they came to giue me the Sacrament of Extreame Vnction and euerie hower or rather euerie moment it was expected when I should expire they being as diligent in saying the Creede in my hearing as if I had vnderstood them yea sometimes they held me for so certainly to be dead that afterwards I found the drops of the holie Wax-candles about mine eyes The affliction of my Father was great for his not hauing permitted me to goe to Confession Manie outcryes and manie prayers were made to Almightie God for me and blessed be he who was pleased to heare them for the Graue remaining open in the Church of my Monasterie a day and a half where my bodie was expected to be interred and my Funerall hauing been already celebrated by the Religious men of our Order in another towne where it was conceaued that I was dead our Lord was yet pleased at length that I should teturne to my self and so instantly I would needs goe to confession I receaued also the B. Sacrament with manie teares though yet in my opinion they were not shed with that sense and grief for only my hauing offended Almightie God which might haue serued to saue my soule if the errour into which I was brought by them who had told me that they were not matters of mortall sinne which afterward I saw plainly that they were might not serue my turne For the torments wherewith I remained were intollerable and my vnderstanding not very sharpe but rather dull though yet as I conceaued my Confession were entire of all things whereby I might thinke that I had offended God For this mercie did his Diuine Maiestie vouchsafe to allow me amongst others that after I had once begunne to receaue the B. Sacrament I neuer omitted to Confesse anie thing which I conceaued to be a sinne though it were but Veniall Though yet still me thinkes that without doubt my soule might haue runne hazard not to be saued if I had dyed then in regard that on the one side my Ghostlie Fathers had been so meanly learned and on the other side and indeed on manie sides in regard that in my self I was so wicked But this is alwaies a most certaine truth that when I returne to a thought of this passage and consider how it seemes as if our Lord had raised me againe from death to life I am filled with so huge an amazement that I remaine euen as it were all quaking within my self And now me thinkes it were well O my soule that thou wouldst gather this iust resolution from that great danger out of which it pleased our Lord to deliuer thee that although thou wouldst not fly from offending his Diuine Maiestie for Loue yet at least thou shouldst forbeare to doe it for Feare For he might haue taken thy life from thee a thousand times when thou wert in a more dangerous state and I thinke that I should not say too much if I did speake of a thousand times more though he perhaps may chide me who commanded me to vse moderation in the recitall of my sinnes and yet I doubt that I haue painted them out too fauourably and faire But I begg of him for the loue of our Lord that he will not once thinke of making me diminish my faults because the magnificence of Almightie God is to be discerned thereby and how much he is pleased to suffer and endure from a soule Let him be Blessed for euer and let it also please his Diuine Maiestie that he may rather consume me quite then that I should euer leaue to loue him more THE SIXT CHAPTER She treates of hovv much she ovved our B. Lord for his giuing her Conformitie to his holie vvill in so great afflictions And hovv she tooke the glorious S. Ioseph for her Intercessour and hovv aduantagious that Deuotion proued to be I Remained during those foure dayes of Agonie or Trance in such state that only our B. Lord is able to know the vnsufferable torments which I felt in my self My toung was deeply bitten by me in manie places My throat with hauing taken nothing and by reason also of my very great weaknes could not swallow so much as a drop of water without choaking Me thought I was totally disioynted and my head in extreame disorder I was also as it were all rowled vp and contracted as if I had been a Bottome of Packthridd for in this did the torments of those dayes fixe themselues without my being able once to stirr either hand or foot arme or head vnlesse they moued me anie more then as if I had been dead Only I thinke I was able to wagg one single fingar of my right hand Now for anie bodie to touch me in anie kinde there was no meanes at all for my whole person was so affected and afflicted as that there was no enduring to haue it touched In a sheet they would be remouing me now and then according to the occasion with one at one end therof another at the other and this lasted till Easter Only this I had by way of ease that if I were not approached and touched these torments would be ceasing manie times and then vpon the account of my being in lesse paine I was content to affirme my self to be well But indeed I was much afrayd least my patience should beginne to faile me and therfore I was not a little pleased to find my self without those sharpe and continuall torments though yet I had them after an vnsupportable manner togeather with a very great detestation of food whilst I had those fierce colds which indeed
by procuring that few may haue the witt to vnderstand thee right But now to what a passe are we come since some will needs conceiue that God is the better serued by them when they get themselues to be held for discreet and wise yea this indeed must needs be so as now we are growne to vnderstand the word Discretion For now we will needs make our selues beleiue that it is matter forsooth of small edification not to goe vp and downe the world with great authoritie and composition of cloathing and dressing euerie one according to his condition Nay euen to the Fryer and Preist and Nunne some are now growne to be of opinion that to weare anie thing which is old or peiced were a kind of noueltie and a giuing scandall to the weake and so it is also now if they liue with much recollection and vse Mentall Prayer To such a passe the world is growne But the studie and practise of Christian Perfection the great impulses which the Saints were wōt to haue for the obtaining thereof is the thing which I beleiue doth more harme to the miserable wretched actions which are cōmitted by euill men in these times then it could possibly be of scandall to anie Creature that such as are Religious should publish that to the world by their workes of which they talke by their words to the end that so Mankinde might grow to hold this world in meane accoūt For out of such kindes of scandall as these our Lord would draw great seruice for himself good for them And if some men would needs be scandalized at it others would yet haue remorse at least we should remaine with some little designe or draught of that which Christ our Lord his Apostles endured for vs since we haue now more need of it then euer But O what an excellent example did Almightie God take lately from vs in the person of that Blessed man Fray Pedro de Alcantara The world was now no longer able euen to endure such a Perfection as his for now forsooth they say that the health of men is growne weaker and that now we doe not liue in those former times But that holie man liued in this time and yet he had as full and great Spirit towards Almightie God as men had in the dayes of old and so he trode the world downe vnder his feet And though euerie bodie doe not goe bare-foot nor performe so sharp and strict pennance as he yet are there manie other wayes as I haue sayd before whereby a man may treade the world vnder his feet and our Lord will teach vs these wayes when he findes that a man's minde is fitt and well-prepared for them And how great an one did Almightie God bestow vpon this Saint of whome now I speake to goe through seauen and fourtie yeares of his life with so sharp and rigourous pennance as is generally knowne And I will say some little thing of it because I know that it is all most certainly true He told me a certaine particular and so he also did an other from whome he was as little curious to conceale himself as from me but as for me the only reason why he did it was the loue he bore me because our Lord would haue it so to the end that he might help me and encourage me also in a certaine time of so great necessitie as I haue related And now I will declare how to the best of my remembrance he said that he had slept but one hower and a half in the foure and twentie howers of day and night for two and fourtie yeares togeather and that it was the greatest mortification and trouble of pennance that he had felt in those beginnings to ouercome himself in point of sleep and that in order also to this end he was alwaies at other times either standing vpon his feet or els kneeling and that only when he slept he satt and that with his head leaning aside vpon a certaine little peice of wood which was fastned for that purpose in the wall To extend his bodie at length in his Cell was not possible for him though he should haue a minde to it for it is knowne to haue had but foure foot and a half in length In all these two and fourtie yeares he neuer put on his Capouch or Hood how hot soeuer the Sunne or how great soeuer the rayne might be nor did he euer weare anie thing vpon his feet nor was his bodie clad but only with a Habit of thick course Sackcloath without anie other thing at all vpon him and this was so very straight as that he might be only able to put it on with a little short Mantle of the same vpon it He told me that when the weather was extreamly cold he was wont to put off his sayd Mantle and to leaue also the doore and the little window of his Cell open that so when afterward he put the Mantle on againe and shut his doore he might giue his bodie so much contentment by it as that it might be quieted without more cloathing It was a very ordinarie thing with him not to eat till the third day after he had eaten last and he told me by way of answer to the wonder in which I was at it that this was a thing very possible for one who would accustome himself to it And a certaine Companion of his also told me that it hapned for him sometimes not to eat anie thing at all in eight dayes but that perhaps might happen when he was in Prayer for he vsed to haue great Rapts and vehement impulses or impetuosities of the loue of Almightie God whereof my self was once an eye-witnes His pouertie was extreame and so also was his Mortification euen from his youth For he told me that in his time it had hapned to him to liue three yeares in some one House of his owne Order and yet not to know anie one of the Religious of the same House but only by their speech for he neuer lifted-vp his eyes and so whensoeuer he was to goe of necessitie to anie place either in the streets or vpon high-wayes he could by no meanes tell how to doe it but by following the other Religious As for woemen he neuer looked vpon anie of them for the space of manie yeares and told me that it was iust all one with him to see anie bodie or not to see them When I came at length to know him he was very old and his weaknes and leanenes so extreame that he seemed not to be composed made but as euen of the verie rootes of trees With all this sanctitie of his he was very affable though yet he were wont to expresse himselfe in very few words vnlesse it were by occasion of some questions which might be asked him and in that case he was excellent companie for he had a very choice Vnderstanding I could haue a minde to
THE FLAMING HART OR THE LIFE OF THE GLORIOVS S. TERESA Foundresse of the Reformation of the Order of the All-Immaculate Virgin-Mother our B. Lady of Mount-Carmel This History of her Life vvas vvritten by the Saint her selfe in Spanish and is nevvly novv Translated into English in the yeare of our Lord God 1642. Aut mori aut pati Either to dye or els to suffer Chap. 40. ANTWERPE Printed by IOHANNES MEVRSIVS ANNO M. DC XLII TO THE INCOMPARABLE SOVERAIGNE PRINCESSE HENRIETTA-MARIA OF FRANCE QVEEN OF GREAT BRITTAINE FRANCE AND IRLAND MADAME I Presume not novv to approach to your Maiesties presence vvith designe to begg your Fauours though this vse to be the case of euery Creature but to pay your Maiestie a Seruice and that a great one for the many Princely benefitts vvhich I haue receiued already from your gratious hand For heer I come to offer your Maiestie a meanes of magnifying your ovvne naturall greatnes by your avovving protecting and enlargeing the glory of an incomparable Saint S. Teresa To vvhome as I haue vvell vnderstood that already yovv carry an extraordinary deuotion and not only deuotion to her selfe but affection also to the holy Religious vvoemen of her Angelicall Order vvhereof the English Nation vvhich novv enioyes the honour to be also yours hath a Monastery at Antwerpe vvhich needs not perhaps be ashamed to appeare neer any other of the vvhole vvorld vvhether it be for their great entire contentment in Recollection their insatiable yet most delightfull thirst after Perfection Vnion vvith our Blessed Lord or the euerlasting Feast of Joy Iubily vvhich they solemnize both in the harty high respects vvhich they carry to their Reuerend Mother Superiour and their true most tender loue to one another so it vvill not be vnvvorthy either of your ovvne greatnes or goodnes that vvhen there is question of considering the vertues perfections of the Glorious S. Teresa and the celebrating her praises and the studying her Life J meane that Life of hers vvhich she vvrote vvith that most holy vvise hand of her ovvne vvhich I heer present your Maiestie vouchsafe to march at the very head of that vvhole Troope vvhich may addresse it selfe to the imitation of her Heroicall actions and to the admiration of those incomparable Graces and Fauours vvhich the God of Heauen and Earth thought fitt to infuse vvith his enamoured hart and omnipotent hand into that most happy Soule For vvho can euer be more fitt to patronize so great a Saint as she is then so great a Queen as your Maiestie vvho besides your Birth and renovvne vvhereof to speake after the manner of men yovv haue so much occasion to bragg haue also in order to Heauen shevved such constancy in the vvay of Religion and pietye as may iustly all things considered giue cause to the rest of your owne most eminent Ranke at least to shrinke if not to blush For my selfe to begg your Maiesties pardon for this apparance of presumption vvere novv to acknowledge some such fault as vvhereof J acquitted my selfe before I vvill therefore rather by this meanes hope to obtaine a Suite for this Seruice yea and that of the most sauory kind of all other it is That yovv vvill vouchsafe to imploy the Sacrifice of my vvhole Life in obedience to any of your Maiesties least commands God make keep your Maiestie as healthy as happy as this vvorld can tell hovv to vvish yea and as the other can tell hovv to graunt I most humbly aske leaue to doe your Maiestie all Reuerence at your Royall Feet Your Maiesties most humble most obedient most deuoted most obliged Seruant M. T. A word of Aduertisment to the Reader TO the end that the Reader 's iudgement may be kept from anie considerable errour concerning the person of the Glorious S. Teresa he is humbly and earnestly desired to read the Preface before he read the Booke and especially that part thereof vvhich occurrs betvveen that § vvhich beginns vvith these follovving vvords For she vvill tell you c. And that other vvhich beginns But novv it vvill come fittly in c. He may also be pleased to excuse the fevv Faults vvhich shall be found in the Print the rather because it vvas performed both in a strange Countrie and by strangers THE PREFACE OF THE TRANSLATOVR TO THE CHRISTIAN AND CIVIL READER I Was moued and who would not be moued by the Reuerend Mother Superiour of the English Teresian-Carmelites at Ant werpe the rest of that holie Assemblie to Translate out of Spanish into English the Life of the Admirable and Blessed Woeman S. Teresa their holie Mother and mine whose Excellencies and Perfections it is hard for anie Penn to expresse and few Harts euen of the most refined and raised can fully vnderstand and comprehend For though it were translated long agoe by an eminent and worthie Man of our Nation in the great deuotion which he carried to his excellent Saint yet he had liued so very long out of his Countâ—â— and had attended in so serious a manner to the acquiring of Perfection and Knowledge in order to the Conuersion of Soules that on the one side he seemed to haue lost a little of the puritie of his owne English Toung and on the other not to haue acquired enough of the Spanish and consequently not to haue been able to performe the Worke so exactly as he desired Since such a Booke as was so sublimely conceiued by such a Hart and so vehemeÌ„tly posted-out by such a Penn could neuer be exactly translated out of anie one Language into an other vvithout a kind of full possession of them both besides a great attention application of minde othervvise Some places being therfore very obscure and manie other more then a little mis-vnderstood the Booke vvas not so vvell receiued nor so gladly greedily read as it deserued And therfore both in honour of their renouned and admired Parent in appetite also of their ovvne consolation and perfection in Spirit the zeale of these holy Religious vvoemen could not content it selfe vvith less then a procuring to get a nevv Translation made vvhich perhaps might proue to their thinkeing a little lesse imperfect then the other For my part I confesse I vvonder that some such Reuievv and Reformation concerning a Publique Worke so much importing the glory of Almighty God and the honour of so eminent a Saint could be forborne so long But euen that very conceipt and consideration did helpe to clappe the Spurrs into my Sides towards a running through this Course and Carreire vvith all the care speed vvhich I could possibly vse And heerin though my abilityes were small yet my attention grew to be great and so I considered seuerall Coppyes and tooke also many opinions and yet found that all my diligences vvere few enow towards the discharge of the multitude of doubts and difficultyes vvhich occurred Partly through the
to consist in gaining ground vpon Vertue by a holie kind of emulation and competition vvith one another And so also on the other side your Spouse keepes very close correspondence vvith you by infusing so very great strength of delight and ioy into your Soules as that you possesse the treasure of true Alacritie euen in your verie being depriued and stripped of all those things vvhich are wont to giue contentment to poore-harted people in this life And so you also with great generositie tread all vvorldlie things vnder your feet as persons vvho be as it vvere exempted euen from the lawes thereof or at least are growne superiour to them all For neither doth trouble or labour vvearie you nor Clausure afflict you nor infirmitie discourage you not euen death amaze or fright you but rather yeild himself vp to be conquered by you But that vvhich in the midst of all these particulars serues to make the vvonder very extreame is the great facilitie and gust vvherewith you goe through all these things which of themselues are hard enough to be performed For Mortification is matter of solace to you Resignation as a kind of Sport Pennance a Passe-time And you goe putting that in execution which turnes Nature into admiration and you conuert the exercise of the most Heroicall Vertues into a pleasant kind of entertainment and all this as it vvere in a sporting and reioycing way vvhereby in fine the certaintie of those vvords of Christ our Lord that His yoake is svveet and his burthen light growes to be found effectually true Since no Secular Ladie takes so much pleasure in her ornaments and attires as your Reuerences find it to be a thing of great ioy and gust for you to lead the life euen of Angells And such doe you seem really to be not only in the perfection of your liues but in the vnion also resemblance of mindes vvhich you maintaine therein vvith one another Since no two things are more like one another then you are all amongst your selues and euerie one to euerie other in your speech in your modestie in your humilitie in your discretion in your sweetnes of Spirit and finally in your whole proceeding and conuersation For as the self same vertue and vvay of Life animates you all so doth it also frame you all after one manner and vve see in you all as in so manie pure Christall glasses one kind of face and countenance vvhich is that of your Holie Mother Teresa deriued downe and stamped vpon her Daughters By meanes vvhereof I see her now as I vvas saying at the first vvith more euidence and clearnes euen vvithout hauing formerly seen her because her Daughters are not only the liuelie pictures of her internall features but the assured testimonies also of her perfections And these are communicated to you all and they passe from one of you to another with so great speed vvhich makes the Third Miracle-vp that in the space of twentie yeares for this falls-out to be the time since she founded her first Monasterie till now Spaine alone is growne to be so full of her Monasteries that aboue a thousand Religious persons are daily seruing Almightie God in this Countrie amongst vvhome your Reuerences vvho are the Religious Woemen of that Order shine brightly and that vvith as much difference as the greater and fairer Starres exceed the lesser For as it was a happy Woeman who gaue beginning to this Reformation so it seemes that the Woemen are they who in all things haue aduantage of others and not only are the great guiding Lights of the Order but are withall the verie honour of our Nation and the glorie euen of the Age wherein we liue And in fine yow are those faire Flowers which beautifye the great barrennes of the Times and are certainly the most rare and choice parts of the Church of God liuelie testimonies of the efficacie of Christ our Lord and the euident proofe of his Soueraigne vertue finally the expresse patterns vvhereby vvee take the daily experience of vvhat is promised vs by our Faith And this is now as much as concernes her Daughters vvhich is the former of those two Images or Pictures of your Holie Mother vvhereof I spake Nor is the second Image or Picture a whitt lesse Miraculous then that former it consists in her Writings Bookes vvherein vvithout anie question at all the Holie Ghost vouchsafed and resolued that holie Mother Teresa should remaine as a rare example to the vvorld c. All these are the verie words of Doctour Levvis de Leon. By this you therefore see what iudgement vvas made at that time of this admirable Creature our Glorious Saint But by way of full cōclusion to as much as I now intend to speake of her excellencies I must needs add a Clause or two vvhich I find deliuered by another eminent vvise learned Authour it was Father Ribera a Father of the Societie of IESVS vvho vvrote her vvhole Life at large together with it indeed as a very part thereof he published certaine Exclamations or lowde Aspirations vvhich her enamoured Soule vvas wont to make to Almighty God together with certaine Aduertisments also concerning the sense and feeling of Spirit vvhich she found in her self vvith a signification how she vvas affected towards his Diuine Maiestie and finally how she behaued her self then in the growth of Prayer and Perfection Now all this Account of her self had been deliuered by her in her owne hand to her Ghostlie Father though one part of it about a yeare sooner then the other for the enabling him the better to direct her and she did it all vvhilst she vvas yet in the Monasterie of the Incarnation vvhere she vvas placed first before she had setled her owne Order way of Life according to the primitiue Institution thereof though yet she had euen then begunne to serue our Blessed Lord in great earnest And then also did his Diuine Maiestie rayne downe abundance of Supernaturall Fauours vpon her happie Soule as the same exact Authour declares But that iudgement which he made vpon her I will heer deliuer to you since it is so very short and withall so very highly significant For thus he saith By this you may discerne to how great perfection this happie Soule ariued in so short a time which deserues to cast the world into admiration For since she in her beginnings got-vp towards the verie top of that Perfection which is wont to be acquired in this Life euen by Saints to what passe would she arriue in the space of two or three and twentie yeares which she liued afterwards whilst she daily went encreasing in the loue of Almightie God by receauing so manie high Fauours from his Diuine Maiestie by performing so manie Pennances by enduring so great afflictions tormets through sicknes togeather with manie persecutions and troubles by founding so manie Monasteries by gaining so manie Soules by possessing so
high Prayer by vsing so continuall Mortification finally through such an incomparable treasure as she acquired afterward by a multitude of most excellent vvorkes For if her beginnings were such as out-stripped euen the conclusion of very perfect Soules how farre shall vve imagine that she vvould be sure to ariue and reach ere she came to an end These are the liuely testimonies of this last exact and diligent Authour And as for that former excellent discourse of Doctour Levvis de Leon it serues also to let vs see very clearly the perfections of her happie Children the Religious Woemen of her Order And since euen the Christian vvorld at large is vvont to call know her by the name of Mother Teresa how much more haue the Religious her deare most dear Daughters reason to call her so as they doe Since togeather with the strictnes of their Rule a strictnes yet much more tending to the preseruing purifying their Mindes then anie vvay to the afflicting of their Bodies vvhatsoeuer the Diuel vvould faine make the vvorld beleiue so to discourage the Seruants of God from becoming his better Seruants by liuing vnder this most holie and happie Rule there vvas euer so great indulgence in her towards them and such a tender kinde of care ouer the health and contentment yea and euen as it vvere for the good humour of her Children as that she might well deserue the name of a hundred thousand Mothers all in one For that her verie kindnes ariued euen thus farre may be seen in many passages both of her Rule of her Life So that vpon the vvhole matter it vvas a kinde of hard case to decide whether she were of more rigour to her self or of more indulgence towards her Children And she did expresly require that her Successours should be alwaies carefull to maintaine the verie self same sweet and euen as it vvere kinde-harted Spirit in the gouernment of all such Soules as should euer come to range themselues by her Order And it seemes that not only her counsaile was imparted to them then but that her prayers protection continues now to the self same purpose and that still she shrowdes and shelters them vnder that care For the self-same Spirit remaines so entirely truly amongst them at this day that as they leade the liues of Angells on the one side so yet doe they also on the other spend their time vvith so much ioy gust through that incredible kind of peace vnion of minde vvhich they possesse as vvell in order to their Superiours as to themselues as if euerie one of them vvere no lesse then mightily euen in loue vvith euerie other vvhich puts them into a kind of Heauen before their time Nay still she seemes as it vvere visibly to worke in all kindes for their aduantage And heer since this holie Saint tooke all the accidents and occasions not only of her Children but euen of those Strangers so extreamly and extraordinarily to hart vvho applyed themselues to obtaine her helpe whilst she vvas yet but an Inhabitant of this vvorld I am confidently yea and assuredly perswaded that she vvill now haue another manner of solicitude for their good and growth in all happines vvho shall celebrate and desire to serue her Which I wish that the whole world may doe and for my part I am so much bound to our Blessed Lord for which I adore him vvith my whole hart as to be sure that I will procure to make one The short Preface or Introduction vvhich vvas made by the Glorious S. TERESA her selfe to this Life of hers vvhich she vvrote I Could haue vvished that as they haue giuen me a large kind of libertie yea and a commandment also to setdovvne both the manner of my Prayer and the Fauours vvich our Blessed Lord vvas pleased to doe me they had also no lesse permitted me to declare my great Sinnes and vvicked Life in very particular and cleare manner for heerin J should haue receiued much consolation But this they vvould not suffer me to doe nay rather in this kind they tyed me vp very short And therefore I beg earnestly euen for the loue of our Blessed Lord that they vvho shall reade this Discourse of my Life vvill take knovvledge and attentiuely obserue that it hath been so very vnvvorthie and vvicked as that I haue not found anie one Saint amongst all them vvho haue been conuerted from Sinne to the Seruice of Almightie God in vvhose example J might be able to take comfort For J consider that vvhen once our Lord called them to himself they returned not anie more to offend him vvhereas I not only grevv vvorse but rather did it seemes euen make it my verie busines and studie hovv to resist those great Fauours vvhich his Diuine Maiestie vvas pleased to doe me As one vvho on the one side found her self obliged to serue him for them so much the more and yet vvho on the other obserued vvithall that she vvas vnable to make him anie payment for the least part of all that vvhich she ovved him Let him be Blessed for euer vvho vouchsafed to expect me so long and I beseech him vvith my vvhole hart to giue me grace that I may vvith all claritie and truth make this Relation vvhich my Ghostlie Fathers haue commanded at my hands yea and vvhich I knovv our Lord himself hath long expected from me saue that yet vvithall I could not easily presume so farre as to venture vpon it But at least I vvish that novv it may proue to the glorie and praise of his Diuine Maiestie as also to the end that my said Ghostlie Fathers grovving heerafter into a clearer knovvledge of me by this meanes may assist me in my vveaknes so much the more that so at length I may be able to pay some little part of that much seruice vvhich I ovve to our Blessed Lord VVhome let all Creatures praise for all Eternities Amen THE FIRST CHAPTER She shevves havv our Lord beganne to stirre-vp her Soule in her Childhood to the performing of vertuous actions and of the help vvhich it giues in order to this end to be borne of vertuous Parents THE very hauing of vertuous Parents and such as liue in the feare of Almightie God togeather with those fauours which I receaued from his Diuine Maiestie had been able to haue made me good if I had not been so very wicked My Father was delighted in reading good Bookes and vsed to haue them in Spanish that so his Children might also reade them This consideration togeather with the care which my Mother had to make vs say our Prayers and to put vs into a way of deuotion to our Blessed Ladie and some other particular saints beganne to awake and stirre me vp when I was to the best of my remembrance about six or seauen yeares old It assisted me also towards this good end to find that there was no meanes for me to winne the fauour of
Which they who were good might well enioy without any disaduantage to their goodnes because they owed no more since they did not promise Clausure but as for me who am wicked it would certainly haue carried me downe to Hell vnlesse our Lord had drawne me out of this danger by very manie remedies and meanes and most particular fauours And so me thinkes a Monasterie of woemen with libertie exposes them to very great hazard and rather appeares in mine eye as a way whereby they who haue a minde to be wicked may walke on towards Hell then as a remedie for their weaknes I meane not this by my Monasterie for therein are so manie who serue our Lord so much in earnest and with so great perfection that his Diuine Maiestie through his goodnes cannot faile of doing them fauour Neither is this Monasterie also of the most open and dis-enclosed and besides all good Religious Order is obserued in it but I speake what I was speaking of others which I know and haue seen I say therefore that those others giue me cause to haue great compassion of them for they haue need of particular motions and calls from our Lord and not once but very often that so they may be saued considering how much the honours and recreations of the world are now growne to be authorized and how little such as they are vnderstād the verie much to which they are obliged So that I beseech God they hold not that sometimes for vertue which is sinne as my self did often yea and there is so great difficultie in making this be well vnderstood that there is need of no lesse then that our Blessed Lord himself should seriously put his hand to the worke If Fathers would take my counsel since they will not procure to put their Daughters where they may walke in the way of saluation but rather be in more danger then they should perhaps haue mett with in the world I would aduise them at least to consider their owne honour and rather to marrie them very meanly then to put them into such Monasteries as those vnlesse they be very vertuously inclined yea and I pray God that euen this may serue the turne Yea or els let them rather continue them in their owne houses for if they will needs be wicked it cannot be there kept priuate but for a very short time but heer it may be long concealed though yet in the end our Lord is euer wont to discouer it and then they doe not only hurt themselues but also the rest and sometimes those poore Creatures haue the lesse fault because they doe but that which they find in vse But still it is matter of much compassion to see manie who haue really a minde to forsake all and conceaue that they goe to serue our Lord and to flye from the dangers of this world doe yet by this meanes grow to embarke themselues in ten worlds all togeather where they know not what to doe or how to helpe themselues For youth and sensualitie and in fine the Diuel both inuites them and inclines them to follow somethings which doe altogeather belong to a world and so in effect they come to hold them good Me thinkes in this they are like those miserable and wretched men the Hereticks who first make themselues blind and then giue themselues to vnderstand that those opinions which they follow are good and so they come to belieue them to be true though yet indeed and vpon the matter they belieue them not for in their harts there is somewhat which tells them still that it is naught O great miserie I say O extreame great miserie of Religious persons and I speake not heer of women now more then of men where Religious Obseruance is not kept and where in one and the self same Monasterie two wayes are held One of Vertue and Religious Life and another which is vtterly in want therof and where they all goe as it were equally hand in hand Or rather I sayd ill when I sayd equally for it vses to happen so for our Sinnes that the more imperfect make vp the greater number and so as they vse to be more they vse to be also more fauoured And true Religious Obseruance is wont to be so rare in those places that as well that Religious man as that Religious woeman who shall haue a minde to giue themselues wholy and in good earnest to follow their Vocation and Rule will haue cause to be in more feare of the rest of the Religious of their owne House then of all the Diuels in Hell Yea and they will need to vse more caution and dissimulation in speaking of that entercourse and friendship which such persons should procure to hold with Almightie God then of other inclinations and friendships which the Diuel findes meanes sometimes to bring into Monasteries I can therefore meet with no reason why we should be amazed to see so manie miseries in the Church since they who ought to be Patterns for others that so all men might grow to be vertuous by their example haue totally blotted out that Worke which the Spirit of the Saints in old time left registred in our Religious Orders And I humbly beseech his Diuine Maiestie that he will be pleased to giue such remedie to these mischiefs as he knowes best to be needfull Amen But in the meane time when I beganne to vse such conuersations as these I little thought that so great distractions and other dammages would grow to my Soule by that kind of proceeding when I saw they were so much vsed by others and I conceaued that so generall a thing as it is for Secular people to make Visits to the Religious in manie Monasteries would be of no greater preiudice to me then it was to others whome I saw to be vertuous and good But I considered not the while that those others were much more vertuous then my self and that those things which were of much danger to me were not perhaps of so very much to them though yet I feare it be of some and at the best hand I am sure enough that it is no better then time very ill employed and spent And being once with a certaine person our Lord was pleased to giue me to vnderstand in the verie beginning of my acquaintance with her that such friendships would be no way conuenient for me and to giue me also aduise and light in so great a darknes as that was For Christ our Lord represented himself before me with much rigour and gaue me well to vnderstand how greatly he was disgusted at my proceeding I saw him only with the eyes of my Soule but yet much more distinctly and more clearly then I could possibly haue donne with the eyes of my Bodie and he remained so deeply imprinted there that although it hapned to me aboue six and twentie yeares agoe me thinkes he is still as present to me now as he was then But I am sure
that I should shed those teares did shew me fauour enough for his part since I forgot the sense and tendernes thereof so soone And I recommended my self to that glorious Saint that she might help me to obtaine pardon of my Sinnes But I conceaue that I profited the more in that last time vvhen I prayed before the Picture because then I vvas growne into very great distrust of my self and placed all my confidence in Almightie God To my thinking I told him then that I vvould neuer rise from thence till he granted me the humble Suite which I had made and I am fully of opinion that it did me good for I haue gone improuing much euer since that time Now I continued to hold this manner of Prayer because not being able to discourse with my Vnderstanding I procured to represent Christ our Lord to my minde as being then within my verie self and Ieuer also found it to proue better with me in my opinion when I conceaued my self to find him all alone For he being alone and I being so much afflicted me thought he was to admitt me yea and to assist me too as a person who was in necessitie and miserie Of this kind of Simplicities I had manie and in particular I vsed to find my self very well in the Prayer of the Garden yea and I was in my kingdome when I might accōpanie him there I thought also much vpon that Sweat togeather with the great affliction which he sustained then and I wished that I might haue been permitted to wipe that most painefull Sweat from his face but I remember how in fine I neuer durst resolue to presume to doe it so grieuously did my Sinnes represent themselues to me Howsoeuer I remained there by him as long as my thoughts would giue me leaue but the truth is I had store of such as tormented me Most nights during manie yeares before I went to rest and when I was recommending my self to God ere I slept I euer thought a little vpon this passage of his Prayer in the Garden and that euen before I was a Religious woeman for they told me that I might gaine manie Indulgences by it and at least I am of opinion that my Soule got much by this meanes because thus I beganne to make Mentall Prayer euen without expresly knowing what it was and then it was as vsuall for me not to omitt this custome as not to faile of blessing my self with the Signe of the Crosse before sleep But to returne to what I was saying of the torment which my thoughts were wont to giue me This māner of proceeding without discourse of the Vnderstāding hath this in it That the Soule must both gaine much and loose much I meane all consideration and discourse is lost for as for profiting they profit much who vse it since all such Prayer is Loue. But to ariue to this point pitch it will cost euerie bodie a great deale of paines except such as our Lord vouchsafes to conduct in a short time to Quiet Prayer of which kind I know some and for them who goe by this way it will be good to haue some Booke or other at hand that so they may recollect themselues quickly As for me it did me also good to looke vpon Fields or Flowers or Water for in these things did I find the memorie of our Creatour as I also did in mine owne ingratitude and Sinnes all which particulars were wont to awake me and recollect me and to serue me in stead of a Booke for as for Heauen and such high things as that my Vnderstāding was so dull that I could neuer I say neuer be able to haue or frame anie imagination or fancie concerning them till our Lord represented them to me by other meanes And I had so very little abilitie to represent things to my minde by way of the vnderstanding-part that my Imagination serued me not to worke vpon anie thing but only what I saw with mine eyes which yet others are able enough to doe who know how to forme certaine representations of things to themselues vpon which they can recollect their thoughts For my part I could only thinke vpon Christ our Lord as man but yet it is very true that how much soeuer I read of his Beautie or saw his Pictures yet could I neuer represent him to my self but iust so as one who were either in the darke or els stark blind might be able at that verie time to represent anie other person to himself For though such an one may speake with such another know that he is with that person because he is sure that the sayd person is there yet in fine he doth but vnderstand and belieue him to be there for he sees him not and in this sort did it happen to me when I thought of our Lord. Vpon this reason was I so great a friend and fauourer of the vse of Images or holie Pictures Miserable Creatures are they who loose this benefit through their owne fault And it appeares also well enough that they doe not loue our Lord for if they loued him they would be glad to see his Picture as heer it giues vs contentment so see the pictures of those persons whome we loue About this time they gaue me the Confessions of S. Augustin and it seems our Lord did so ordaine it for neither did I procure them nor had I euer seen them I bare a very great affection to this Saint because the Monasterie where I liued before I grew to be Religious was of his Order and besides in regard that he had been a Sinner for I alwaies found particular comfort in those Saints who after hauing been Sinners were conuerted to our Lord as conceauing that I should haue help by their meanes and that our Lord might also be induced to forgiue me as he had done them Saue only that I was discomforted by this consideration as I haue sayd before that our Lord called them but once and they returned not to fall from him anie more but as for me I had falne so often that it afflicted me to the verie hart But yet still when I considered the loue he bore me I grew to be encouraged againe for I neuer distrusted his mercie though I doubted of my self very often O my deare Lord how mightily doth that obstinate stiffnes amaze me to which my Soule must needs haue been subiect whilst it receaued so manie helps at thy hand and all in vaine And it strikes me with much feare to consider how little I was able to winne vpon my self all that while and how I remained still bound vp from resoluing to giue my self vvholy to thee But vvhen once I beganne to read the sayd Confessions me thought that Case vvhich had been his vvas also now directly mine owne and I recommended my self much to that glorious Saint But vvhen I came aftervvard to his Conuersion and read hovv he heard that Voice
delighting and enioying though yet still both the First and the two Middle ones and euen the Last haue all of them their seuerall Crosses to carry yet in a different kind But in fine all they who will follow Christ our Lord must goe by that verie way where he went vnlesse they will haue a minde to be lost And happie are those troubles which be endured heer since euen heer they are so superabundantly recompensed and payd I must now serue my self of some Comparison which yet I would be glad to forbeare in regard that I am a woeman and would faine set that downe very simply and plainly which they command me to say But this language of Spirit is so very hard to be declared by such as are vnlearned like me that I must seek some particular way how to doe it And it is likelie that I shall seldome hitt tight in making the Comparison serue but in that case it may passe for your recreation to see how very improper and rude I am To my remembrance I haue either read or heard this Comparison which followes heer for my memorie is so very imperfect that I know not how nor vpon what occasion I mett with it first but it contents me at least for the present in order to what I haue in hand He who beginnes in the way of Prayer must conceiue that he is beginning to frame an Orchard or Garden for the contentment and delight of his Lord though yet it be in a very vnfruitfull Soile and full of Weeds His Diuine Maiestie now is he who must be pleased to plant good Hearbes and root the ill ones vp But now wee will make account that this is done already in our case when a Soule not only resolues to vse Prayer but hath already begunne to vse it And now by the help of our Lord we must procure like carefull Gardners that these good Herbes which are planted may grow and we must take care to water them that so they may not wither but may come to yeild Flowers of so excellent odour as may serue to be of recreation to this Lord of ours that so he may take pleasure to come often into this Garden of his and delight himself amongst these vertues of our Soules Now let vs see in what sort these Flowers may be watred that so we may come to vnderstand what we are to doe and what trouble it is likelie to cost and whether the gaine will proue to be more then the labour and how long it will be likely to last As for me it occurrs to me to thinke that these Plants may be watred by fowre wayes Either by drawing water out of a Well which wee cannot doe without much labour or by way of a Wheele with certaine little Buekets belonging to it which is easily turned about by the hand and my self haue drawne some thus now and then and I find that it brings vp more water with lesse trouble then doth that of the former way Or els by meanes of letting in some little Brooke or Riuer into the Garden and by this meanes the Garden is watred much better then by the former and the earth remaines with more moisture and there will not be need to water it so often and the labour also of the Gardner is much lesse Or els in fine when there falls a good Showre of Rayne vpon the Garden for then the Lord himself waters it without anie labour at all of ours and this is without comparison the very farr best way of all the fowre But now for applying these foure wayes of vseing Water whereby this Garden of ours is to be preserued because a Garden without water is to perish that which me thinkes is to our purpose is that we may by this Similitude declare somewhat of these foure degrees of Prayer into which our Lord through his goodnes hath sometimes brought my Soule And I humbly beseech him of his mercie that I may hitt right vpon what I am about to say in such sort as that it may be of vse and profit to one of those persons who commanded me to write thus much and whome our Lord hath drawne further on in foure moneths then I was able to get in seauenteen yeares But certainly he disposed himself better and so the Gardner hath watred his Orchard without anie trouble at all to the Partie with all these foure kindes of Water though the last of the foure haue not yet come to his turne but by drops But the busines goes on in such sort that by the fauour and help of our Lord he will quickly ingulfe himself therein and I shall be hartily glad if he laugh at me in case he finde the manner of my declaring this Point in question to haue been impertinent Of them who beginne to hold Prayer we may say that those are the persōs who draw water out of the Well which vses to be very troublesome as I haue sayd for they are likelie to take much paines about recollecting their Senses which hauing been vsed to wander and goe scattered vp and downe it is wont to be of trouble enough These men haue therefore need to goe accustoming themselues not to desire to see or heare impertinent things and to obserue their howers of Prayer and to loue to be alone and to consider the life which they haue lead and to doe it hand to hand by themselues And though all these whether they be either of the First Degree or of the Last are to employ themselues vpon these thoughts very often yet there is to be of the more and of the lesse in these cogitations as I will shew afterward At first they are wont to be in some paine because they vse not to be fully enough satisfyed that they repent themselues sufficiently of their Sinnes and yet they faile not to doe it since they resolue to serue Almightie God in so very good earnest They must procure to meditate much vpon the Life of Christ our Lord though the Vnderstanding will perhaps be wearie of this But yet hitherto we may be able to be of some help to our selues I meane togeather with the fauour of our Lord for without this the world knowes well enough that we are not able so much as to haue a good thought Now This is to beginne to draw Water out of a Well and I pray God there fall out to be any but at least the fault is not ours if there be none since we endeauour to draw it and since we doe what we can towards the watring of these Flowers And Almightie God is so very good that when for reasons best knowne to his Diuine Maiestie yea and perhaps euen for our owne greater good he will haue this Well to be dry he is pleased so that still we doe our parts like good Gardners to sustaine these Flowers without anie Water at all and to make our vertues grow I meane heer by Water Teares whereof
a sweet repose or sleep of all the Powers which are yet neither totally lost nor yet doe they know how they worke This gust and delight and suauitie is greater beyond all comparison then the former for the Water of this grace gets-vp to the verie throat of the Soule in such sort that now it cannot goe forward nor knowes how to doe it nor yet would by anie meanes returne backward but enioyes an excessiue kinde of glorie It is as when a man is already with the Holie Candle in his hand so that now there wants very little of dying but it is of that verie death which is desired for she is enioying the greatest delight that can be imagined in that agonie of hers and me thinkes it is no other thing then euen to dye as it were entirely to all the things of this world and to be enioying Almightie God For my part I can thinke of no other tearmes wherewith to expresse it or declare it nor knowes the Soule at that time what to doe nor whether she should speake or be silent or laugh or weep It is a glorious kinde of Frensie and a Celestiall kinde of Follie where yet true wisdome is learnt and it is a most delightfull manner of enioying for the Soule in a Superlatiue Degree It is true that it may be about some fiue or six yeares since first our Lord vouchsafed to allow me this kinde of Prayer often and in great abundance and that I neither did either perfectly vnderstand it nor yet can exactly declare it and for my part I made account when I was come hither that I could say either little or nothing And yet I well vnderstood that this was not an entire Vnion of all the Powers of the Soule and yet still that it was clearly more then might be found in the former Degree of Prayer and yet withall I must euer confesse that I could not tell how to know and much lesse exactly determine what this differēce was But I well belieue that for the humilitie which your Reuerence hath shewed in being desirous to help your self by so great a simplicitie as mine our Lord gaue me this Prayer this day immediatly after my receauing the B. Sacrament yet without my being able to goe forward And he put these Comparisons into my head and taught me the manner how to expresse them and what the Soule is to doe in these cases and really I was amazed at it for I vnderstood all this busines at an instant Manie times I was as it were out of my self and as if I had been euen inebriated with this loue and yet I could neuer vnderstand how it was Only I knew very well that it was God but I could not tell the manner how he wrought in me at that time For it is the verie truth that the Powers are as it were all vnited though yet not so ingulfed but that still they worke and I haue been extreamly ioyed that at length I am come to vnderstand it and Blessed be our Lord for euer who hath regaled me in so high a degree These Powers haue only now abilitie to busie themselues totally vpon Almightie God nor doth it seem that anie of them now euen dares so much as houer or stirre not as it were breath if we doe not diuert our selues then with great endeauour yea and euen so me thinkes we can scarce doe it entirely at that time A multitude of words are conceaued heer by the Soule in praise of our Lord but yet so as that they are without anie order vnlesse our Lord himself be pleased to order them for at least the Vnderstanding serues heer for nothing The Soule would faine cry out in praise of Almightie God she is then in such condition as that she knowes not how to cōtaine her self This is now a very fauourie kinde of disquiet and now yea euen very now the Flowers open themselues to blossome and already doe they beginne to yeild their odour And heer the Soule would be glad that all the world might be able to see and vnderstand her glorie that so Almightie God might be praised and that they might be able to assist her therein and that she might giue them part of her ioy as not knowing how to enioy it all her self Me thinkes she is now to be like her of the Ghospel who had a minde to call-in all her Neighbours Or els like the admirable Spirit of the Royall Prophet Dauid who might feele some such thing in himself as this when he played vpon his Harpe and sung in honour and praise of Almightie God I find my self very much deuoted to this Glorious King and I wish that all the world were so especially all we who are Sinners O my deare Lord what kind of thing is a Soule when she findes her self in such a condition as this She would faine become all Toung to praise our Lord. She vtters a thousand holie impertinencies but yet she doth euer endeauour to hitt right in pleasing him who holds her there in that manner I know of a certaine person who though she were no Poet yet instantly did she happen to make certaine Verses all extempore which were very significant in the way of complaint declared her paine very well though they were not made by her owne Vnderstanding alone but for the better enioying that glorie which gaue her so delightfull a paine she complained thereof to her God She wishes that she might be all torne in pieces both in Bodie and Soule to shew the ioy she findes to feele this paine What tormēts could then be set before her which then she would not be glad to endure for the loue of our Lord She clearly sees that the Martyrs did very little on their parts when they suffered torments for the Soule knowes then very well that her strength comes to her by some other way then from her self But now what will she feele when she comes back to employ her witts vpon knowing how to liue againe in this world and to returne both to the cares and complements thereof And certainly me thinkes I am farre from hauing exaggerated anie thing concerning this manner of ioy which our Lord is pleased to make a Soule possesse euen in this place of bannishment for all that which I haue sayd of it is very poore and meane in comparison of what it is in it self Blessed be thou for euer O Lord and let all things praise thee for euer And be pleased O my King I most humbly beseech and begg at thy hands that since when euen now I am not wholy out of this holie Celestiall Frensie or follie which through thy goodnes and mercie and so wholy without anie merit of mine thou dost me the great Fauour to impart either all such persons as with whome I shall haue occasion to conuerse may be euen as it were madd fooles for thy loue or els dispose thou so of me as that
eat of it For iust so doth the Soule not satisfye her self nor is content to feed vpon the meate of this world because she findes that in her self which giues her satisfaction it being the farre greater cōtentment which she hath in Almightie God and her desire also is to satisfye euen those desires of hers and this is that which she procures There is also another kinde of Vnion which euen yet is not so much as an absolute and entire Vnion though it be greater then that of which I was speaking before and not altogeather so great as that of this Third Water And your Reuerence will be very glad supposing that our Lord bestow them all vpon you if you haue them not already to finde it written thus and directly to vnderstand what it is For it is one kinde of Fauour for our Lord to impart the same very Fauour and another to vnderstand what grace and Fauour that is yea and yet another to be able to vnfold and declare how it passes And howsoeuer it may seem that there may no more then the First of these Three be needfull for the keeping of the Soule from being in a kinde of confusion and feare and for enabling it to goe forward with more courage in the way of our Lord euen treading with the verie feet thereof vpon all the things of this world yet is it a Fauour of so great aduantage to vnderstand it that it is reason that both he who hath it and euen he also who hath it not should praise our Lord much for it because his Diuine Maiestie hath been pleased to giue it to some one who is yet aliue to the end that he might also doe vs good Now it happens also manie times to me that I haue this manner of Vnion whereof I am speaking for it pleases Almightie God to doe me this Fauour very very often and that God recollects and takes hold of my Will yea and also in my opinion of my Vnderstanding for then it discourses no longer but is employed vpon enioying Almightie God as one who stands looking and looking and sees so very much that he knowes not indeed which way to looke for one thing instantly appeares which takes away the sight of the other and so nothing makes anie impression at all The Memorie remaines free and so also doth the Imagination seem to doe and this Imagination when it findes it self thus all alone that is without being controuled by the Vnderstanding it would make a bodie wonder extreamly to see what a coyle it keeps and what a warre it makes and procures to put all out of order For my part I am sure it tires me and I am also sure that I abhorre it and I haue often besought our Lord that if it must needs distract me still after this manner he will be pleased to take it from me in these occasions And sometimes I presume to say thus to him When O my God is this whole Soule of mine to be entirely vnited in thy praise and not deuided thus into peices without being so much as able to serue her self of her self But heer doe I in the meane time discerne the mischief which hath been brought vpon vs by Sinne since it makes vs be so subiect to the not doing of what we so much desire which is to be euer busied about Almightie God I say this happens to me diuerse times and one of those times was this verie day and so I may the better remember it For in fine I see my Soule euen dissolue and defeat her self through the desire which she hath to be wholy there where she finds her self for the most part to be already and yet that this is impossible because both the Memorie and Imagination doe still make such warre vpon her that they suffer her not to worke like her self And though they be not able to doe her anie hurt in regard that the other Powers and Faculties are wanting yet indeed they may well be thought to doe hurt enough by the disquiet they giue But yet still I say that they doe her properly no hurt because indeed they haue no strength nor doe they fix themselues in anie one Being or State And in regard that the Vnderstanding doth not help the Imagination in that which it represents either more or lesse it cannot fasten vpon anie thing but skipps vp downe from one to another And it is like those importunate and vnquiet little Gnatts which buzze and whizze by night heer and there for iust so are these Powers wont to goe from one to another This Comparison seemes to me to be extreamly proper for though these inferiour Faculties haue not strength and meanes to doe harme yet are they troublesome enough to such as feele them Not doe I know what remedie there is against this inconuenience for hitherto Almightie God hath not enabled me to find anie out if he had I would haue been very glad to vse it for it torments me as I sayd very often But in this is our miserie made apparant to vs and so also doth the power of Almightie God shine very clearly in it since this Facultie of the Soule which is loose can put vs to so much trouble and so tire vs whilst yet those other which are employed and doe attend so neer to his Diuine Maiestie make vs feele so much ease ioy The last Remedie vpon which I haue falne after my hauing wearied my self manie yeares is that whereof I spoke in Quiet Prayer That we should make no more account therof then we would of some starke-madd-Foole but to let it still alone in telling that impertinent idle Tale wherein God only can impose silence And since in fine it remaines to vs heer in the nature of a Slaue we must be content to endure it as Iacob did Lya for our Lord doth vs Fauour enough to permitt that we may enioy Rachel I say that it remaines as a Slaue by reason that it cannot draw the other Powers or Faculties to it how vehemently soeuer it may striue but rather they draw it often to them without anie difficultie at all Yea and sometimes our Lord is pleased to haue pittie to see euen the Imagination it self so very much disquieted and lost through desire to be in companie with the other Faculties and Powers of the Minde and then his Diuine Maiestie is content that it also may be burnt vp in the fire of that Diuine Taper where those others are already euen consumed to dust and where hauing as it were euen lost their Naturall Being they are enioying so great Blessings in a Supernaturall kind In all these wayes of this last Fountaine-Water whereof I haue spoken the peacefull rest and glorie of the Soule is so great that euen the Bodie doth very manifestly participate of that ioy and delight I say it doth so very manifestly yea and the vertues also of the Minde encrease and grow stronger as I haue sayd
disorder and though she can doe nothing of her self forasmuch as may concerne the ministerie of the exteriour part yet leaues she not to vnderstand yea and also to heare as if a thing were spoken to her from farre off I say not that she either vnderstands or heares when she is in the highest part of the Rapt I say in the verie highest at those times when the Faculties or Powers are lost because then they are very straightly vnited to Almightie God and then in my opinion she neither sees nor heares But as I was saying in the former Prayer of Vnion this totall transforming of the Soule into God is wont to continue little yet for the time it lasts no Power of the Soule either feeles or doth so much as know what passes there And this seemes to be after this manner to the end that men may vnderstand that it is not God's will that we should know it and belike we are not capable therof at least it hath passed thus with me But now your Reuerence will peraduenture aske me how then it can come to passe that a Rapt should be able to last so manie howers To which I answer that the thing which hath often occurred to me is this That as I haue declared already in the former Prayer we enioy Rapts by certaine interuals and interruptions For the Soule doth manie times ingulfe it self or rather to speake both more properly and more truly our Lord ingulfs the Soule into him and entertaines her so a while and then there remaines that onlie Facultie of hers which is the Will Now me thinkes that busines and bussle of the other two Faculties and Powers is like those little Needles of Sunne-Dyals which vsually doe neuer stand still but yet when the Sunne of Iustice hath a minde to it he makes them stable and firme now this I say lasts but a very little while But yet since the impulse and impetuositie was great and the exaltation of the Spirit high the Will remaines ingulfed and behaues it self like a Soueraigne Ladie ouer all those operations which concerne the Bodie though those other Faculties and Powers of the Minde be in agitation and disorder And so also since those other two sayd vnquiet and disorderlie Powers haue a minde to disturbe and distract the Will for of enemies the fewer euer the better the Senses are not suffered to diuert it And so it growes from hence that they are also suspended because our Blessed Lord is so pleased and for the most part the eyes are shut though yet we had no intention to shut them and though by accident they may be open sometimes yet as I sayd before she doth not fix or ayme or consider at least at all what she sees But now the Bodie heer is much lesse able to doe anie thing with it self in order to that time when the sayd Powers shall returne to be vnited for then there will not be much for it to doe And therefore let him to whome our Lord shall vouchsafe this Fauour not be discomforted at all if then he chance to find both the Bodie to be as it were bound vp manie howers yea and euen his verie Vnderstanding and Memorie to be diuerted sometimes True it is that Soules be ordinarily in this case euen drenched yea and as it were drowned in the praises of Almightie God and in desiring also to comprehend and vnderstand that which hath passed with themselues and yet euen for this purpose they vse not to be very well awake but rather like some one who hath slept and dreamt and is not yet come very well againe to himself I declare my thoughts so largely heerin because I know there are persons at this time yea euen in this verie place to whome our Lord doth these Fauours and yet if they who direct them haue wanted the experience of these things perhaps they will conceaue that they are to be as it were dead in these Rapts especially if these Directours be not learned men And it is matter both of pittie and greif to consider how much is suffered by meanes of such Ghostlie Fathers as doe not vnderstand this busines which I will declare afterward Perhaps I know not well what I say but your Reuerence will easily vnderstand if I hitt anie thing right since our Lord hath already giuen you experience therin though yet because it is not long since you began you will not peraduenture haue considered it so much as I. But now though I endeauoured much and manie times yet the Bodie hath not strength wherewith to stirre it self but the Soule carries it all along with her The person who was sick doth thus recouer health manie times and she who was full of weaknes and paine recouers strength For they be great things which are bestowed in these cases and sometimes our Lord is pleased as I was saying that the Bodie should also feele his part of ioy since already it yeilds obedience to that which the Soule desires When once she is returned into her self it will happen to her if the Rapt haue been great to goe a day or two yea and sometimes three with the Powers so absorpt and as it were stupifyed that they seem not to be altogeather themselues But now heer comes-in the paine to be able to know againe how to liue heer are our feathers imped and heer are the sick ones falne off and heer is the Banner of Christ our Lord so directly raised-vp and displayed that now there seemes to remaine no more but that the Captaine of this Fort may either get vp himself or els may instantly be carried-vp to the highest Tower there to plant the sayd Standard for the glorie of Almighty God She lookes now vpon them who are below as one who is already in safetie for now she is so farre from fearing dangers that she rather wishes for them as a person to whome in some sort a securitie for obtaining victorie is designed She sees now very clearly the little that all worldlie things ought to be esteeemed or rather the direct Nothing which all things are They who are seated very high are able to discouer very much Already she renounces the hauing of anie Will and is resolued to haue no other then that which is the Will of our Lord and she giues him also the keyes of hers So that now she who was the Gardner is growne to be the Gouernour of the House nor will she doe anie thing at all but according to the will of the Lord thereof nor will she be Ladie so much as of her self no nor of any thing nor euen of anie single Well of that Garden And if there be anie thing in her which is good she desires that his Diuine Maiestie may dispose thereof for she will not from that time forward possesse anie kinde of thing whereof the proprietie may be her owne but couets that all things may be entirely done in conformitie to the
they should not speake thereof But this serued my turne to little purpose for there chanced to be one at the Gate when I was called who published it ouer all the Conuent But now what difficulties and troubles and feares doth the Diuel vse to prouide for such persons as dispose themselues to approach to Almightie God When I was treating with that Seruant of his Diuine Maiestie who was greatly so and a man also of very good discretion about the passages of my whole life and of my Soule he declared to me what euerie thing was as a man who vnderstood that language very well and he encouraged me much and told me that it was euidently the Spirit of Almightie God which wrought in me But that I must returne againe to the exercise of Prayer because I was not well grounded therein nor had so much as begunne to know what Mortification meant and this was very true for I had hardly euer well vnderstood so much as the name but that I should by no meanes giue-ouer my Prayer but rather employ my self with more diligence and endeauour therein since Almightie God had been pleased to doe me so particular Fauours and what sayd he could anie bodie tell whether it might not please our Lord to doe good to manie euen by your meanes Other things also he sayd in such sort as that he might seem euen to haue prophecyed then concerning those things which our Lord was pleased to grant and effect afterward And I should be subiect to very great blame if I corresponded not with those Fauours which our Lord vouchsafed to shew me In all things it seemed to me that the Holie Ghost spake to me by this Father in order to the Cure of my Soule so distinctly grew euerie thing to be imprinced therein He put me to great confusion and directed me by such meanes to proceed that he seemed to make me absolutly euen another Creature So great a thing it is to vnderstand a Soule He willed me euerie day to meditate vpon some passage of the Passion of our Blessed Lord and that I should helpe my self thereby and that I should not thinke but vpon his Holie Humanitie and that I should resist those recollections and gusts as much as I could and not giue place to them till he should expresse himselfe to me by some other order He left me both comforted and strengthned and our Lord assisted both me and him to the end that he might vnderstand my condition and in what sort I was to gouerne my self and I remained with a resolution not to swarue at all from anie thing which he had or should cōmand me and therein haue I continued till this verie day Our Lord be blessed and praised for hauing giuen me grace to obey my Ghostlie Fathers though yet after an imperfect manner and they haue in effect euer been these blessed men of the Societie of IESVS howsoeuer as I was saying I haue followed them after an imperfect manner But now my Soule beganne to receiue an euident kind of amendment and improuement as I will heer declare THE FOWRE AND TWENTIETH CHAPTER She prosecutes the former Discourse and shevves hovv her Soule vvent profiting vvhen once she had begunne to obey She also declares for hovv little purpose it serued to resist the Fauours of Almightie God And hovv his Diuine Maiestie vvent daily imparting them to her after a more compleat manner BVt now my Soule remained so supple and tractable by meanes of this last Confession of mine that I thought there could be nothing to which I would not dispose my self and so I instantly beganne to change in manie things though yet my Ghostlie Father did not presse me much but rather seemed to make little account of them And this wrought euen so much the more vpon me for he carried me rather on by way of giuing me certaine libertie in little things then of pressure vnlosse my selfe could find in my hart to doe it for Loue. In the meane time I continued vpon the point of two moneths vsing all the diligence that possibly I could to resist the Fauours and Regalo's of Almightie God As for my exteriour conuersation and proceeding there was already an apparant change to be seen in me for already our Blessed Lord beganne to giue me courage to doe certaine things which the persons who saw and knew me held to be extreame and euen in the verie House it self and in respect of what I was wont to doe before they might indeed be accounted to hang that way though yet still it all fell short enough of that to which I was obliged both by the Habit which I had taken and by the Profession also which I had made From that resistance which I made to the gusts and Regalo's of Almightie God I gained thus much that his Diuine Maiestie came to be pleased to be my Instructour himself For before it seemed that for the disposing me towards the receiuing of anie such Regalo's as those there was need that I should retire and shut my self as it were vp into corners and I also durst not as it were moue or stirre But afterward I quickly found how little all that serued to the purpose for when I procured to diuert my self most so much the more did our Blessed Lord couer me as it were all ouer with that kind of Suauitie and glorie as seemed euen to compasse me in on euerie side in such sort as that it was not possible for me to scape from it And really so it was for as for me I tooke so much care to decline it that it did euen put me to paine and yet our Lord was pleased euen still to haue more care to be doing me Fauours and to expresse himself that way in those two moneths I say much more then he had formerly done to the end that I might the better know that this busines did now no longer depend anie way vpon my self And now I beganne to grow to carry a new and fresh kind of loue towards the most Sacred Humanitie of our Blessed Lord and my Prayer beganne to settle it self like a Building which now had morter in it that might make the parts stick togeather and I beganne also to incline my self more to the doing of Pennance wherein I was growne a little slack by reason of my so great infirmities For that holie man to whome I made my Confession told me that some kindes of Pennance which he named would doe me no hurt and that perhaps Almightie God gaue me sicknes in the qualitie of Pennance since I would impose none vpon my self He willed me also to doe certaine acts of Mortification which were not very pleasing to me though yet I went-through with them all because it seemed to me as if our Lord himself had commanded them and his Diuine Maiestie gaue him also grace to direct them in such sort as that I should be glad to obey him My Soule went then
doe it himself as indeed he did nor yet could I euer imagine that it would proue to take effect with me as yet it fell out to doe because already I had vsed some endeauours that way and the affliction which I receiued by it was so great that I resolued to giue ouer the attempt as being a thing which I held not to be inconuenient to continue But now heer our Blessed Lord imparted both libertie and strength to me to put it in execution I told this verie thing to my Ghostlie Father and I gaue ouer that freindship according to what I had been commanded And it did them no little good with whome I had been wont to conuerse to see this resolution growne in me Almightie God be euer blessed and praised who gaue me that libertie and power in one moment which I had not been able to purchase and obtaine of my self by the multitude of those great diligences which I had vsed manie yeares in order to this end though yet I had employed my self so earnestly vpon this attempt that it had cost me a good part of my health But now this hauing been wrought and granted by him who is the Omnipotent and true Lord of all Creatures it put me not euen to the least paine or trouble at all THE FIVE AND TWENTIETH CHAPTER She treats heer of the vvay and manner of vnderstanding those vvords or speeches vvhich Almightie God is pleased to vtter to the Soule though yet vvithout hearing anie voice or sound and of some errours or abuses vvhich may happen heerin and hovv the right may be knovvne from the vvrong It is of much vse and profit for such as see themselues in this Degree of Prayer for it is declared very vvell and the Doctrine containes great instruction ME thinkes it should doe well to declare what kind of thing this Speech is which our Lord expresses to the Soule and what she also feeles to the end that your Reuerence may vnderstand it for from this verie time when our Lord did me this Fauour as I haue sayd the same thing is very vsuall with me euen till this verie present as I shall let you see by that which followes I say therefore that they are certaine Words very distinctly formed and that howsoeuer they be not heard with our eares of flesh and bloud yet are they vnderstood much more expresly and clearly then if they were so heard And to seeke to forbeare to vnderstand them yea and to resist the vnderstanding them how much soeuer it may be is a vanitie and a most impossible thing When in this world we haue a minde not to heare we may stopp our eares or els attend to other things if we will in such sort as that although peraduenture we may heare the words yet we shall not in that case vnderstand them But now in this discourse which Almightie God makes to the Soule there is no remedie at all but they make me harken to them whether I will or no they oblige the VnderstaÌ„ding to be very entire attentiue for the coÌ„prehending thereof For he who is able to doe all things is resolued that we shall vnderstand him and that which he resolues must be done and so he comes to be knowne to be the true Lord of vs all I haue very well experimented this truth for the resistance which I made him did last vpon the point of two yeares through the great feare wherein I was yea and euen now I make those tryalls sometimes but it serues me to little purpose I would faine declare the errours and abuses which may heer occurr though for a man who hath much experience me thinkes there should be few or none But indeed the sayd experience would be great as namely to know the difference when the Spirit is good and when it is ill and when perhaps the thing may also be but an apprehension of the verie Vnderstanding it self which may occurr or when the verie Spirit it self may speake to the verie self-same Spirit and I know not very well whether this may happen or no though euen this verie day I had a kind of opinion that it might When these Words are indeed of Almightie God I haue found the truth thereof in manie things which were told me two or three yeares before and they all fell out to proue true and till now not anie one of them failed There are also other things whereby it growes to proue very plaine that the Spirit is of God as I will declare afterward To me it seemes that a person recommending a thing to Almightie God with great earnestnes and apprehension may grow to make himself conceiue that he comes to vnderstand in some sort whether the thing shall be done or no and this I say is very possible but he who vnderstands things after this other manner will clearly discouer what it may be so great a difference there is between the two And if indeed it be a thing which the Vnderstanding deuises and makes how subtily and how delicately soeuer the matter goe he vnderstands that there is some part of himself in that which is ordained and sayd For it is no other thing then for a man to set a Discourse on foot or to harken to what another man sayes for then the Vnderstanding findes that it doth not harken then because it workes and the words which it goes framing in that case are as it were fantasticall and mute and confused and are not deliuered with that clearnes which those others haue And now heer it is in our owne power to diuert our selues or els to hold our peace when we speake but in this other case we haue no such power at all Another signe there is which is of more importance then all the rest for these things which are sayd by our selues haue no manner of operation and worke no effect at all But the other when our Lord is pleased to speake is not only of words but workes and though they be not words of deuotion but of reprehension they instantly dispose the Soule and they enable her and make her relent and they giue light and regale her and appease her And if she were in state of drynes and commotion and disorder these Words take all away as if it were with the hand yea and yet much better then so for it seemes that our Lord's busines is then to shew his mightie power and that his Words are deeds Me thinkes there is such a difference as there is between our speaking or hearing neither more â—orlesse For that which I speake I goe ordering as I was saying with my Vnderstanding but if another speake to me I doe no more then heare without anie trouble at all to my self One of these kindes of VVords is like some thing whereof we cannot well determine whether it be not as of a man who is half asleepe But this other is found to come from a voice so
and so make those Wretches tremble For already we know well enough that the Diuel is not able to stirre vnlesse our Lord permit him What then may be the ground of all these disorders It is certainly that I am more afrayd of them who are so frighted by the Diuel then of the Diuel himself for he is vtterly vnable to doe me hurt whereas these others especially if they be Ghostlie Fathers may put Soules to much disquiet and for my part I haue passed some yeares through so great trouble that now I am euen amazed to consider how I haue been able to endure it But Blessed be our Lord who hath assisted me in so good earnest Amen THE SIX AND TWENTIETH CHAPTER She prosecutes the same Discourse and goes relating and declaring such things as hapned to her vvhich made her loose feare and to be strengthned in a beleif that it vvas a good Spirit vvhich spake to her I Esteem the courage which our Lord hath vouchsafed to giue me against all the Diuels of Hell to be one of the great Fauours which it hath pleased his Diuine Maiestie to doe mee since for a Soule to goe cowardly on and to be fearefull indeed of anie thing but only to offend the Maiestie of Almightie God is an extreame inconuenience For since we haue a King who is Omnipotent and so great a Lord that he can doe what he listes and who brings all things into subiection vnder himself there is no feare at all to be had and therefore as I was saying we haue no cause to doubt so that we walke sincerely and with puritie of conscience in the presence of his Diuine Maiestie And in order to this end I shall be glad to haue all the feares in the world to offend him in anie one instant of my whole life who is able in the verie self-same instant to destroy and annihilate vs all As long as his Diuine Maiestie is pleased with vs there is no Creature who can stand against vs without hauing his head broken for his paines You will peraduenture say that this is very true but yet now on the other side where shall we find that Soule which stands so streight as that she may be wholy pleasing to him and because she is not so she is in feare I answer that I am sure that that pure and innocent Soule is none of mine which indeed is very wretched and vnprofitable and surcharged euen with a thousand miseries But yet still we haue this comfort that Almightie God doth not proceed with such rigours as men doe for he knowes and considers our frailties and the Soule hath wayes of vnderstanding and finding in it self by great coniectures whether really she loue his Diuine Maiestie or no for in such as ariue once to this state our loue to him is not now a kind of dissembled or disguised loue as it vses sometimes to be in the beginnings but it is accompanied with so great impulses and euen impetuosities of desire to see Almightie God as I shall afterward declare or rather as I haue declared already and all things are wont to afflict all things to wearie tyre and all things doe euen torment her vnlesse it be only God or for God There is not so much as anie repose which doth not displease her because she findes her self absent from her true repose and so it falls-out to be very euident that things passe not heer in a dissembling way It hath hapned to me in former times that I found my self in great tribulations and I was subiect to manie detractions by occasion of a certaine busines whereof I may haue cause to speake afterward from all that House where I liue yea and from my Order and I was afflicted vpon manie accidents which occurred then at which time it pleased our Lord to vtter these expresse words to me Of vvhat art thou afrayd Dost thou not knovv that I am Omnipotent I vvill accomplish all that vvhich I haue promised thee And indeed he accomplished it afterwards very well But euen instantly there remained such a kind of strength in me that me thought I could presently haue put my self to aduenture vpon other things though they should cost me much more trouble for the doing him seruice and could haue suffered also much more for him And this verie self same thing hath hapned to me so often that I am not able to count the times and he hath made me and makes me still such reprehensions by occasion of those imperfections which I commit sometimes that they are able euen as it were to annihilate the Soule At least they bring so much in their company as that she is mended by them for his Diuine Maiestie as I haue sayd doth not only giue vs the counsaile but the remedie At other times he brings back to me the memorie of the Sinnes of my former life and this he most ordinarily vses to doe whensoeuer he intends to vouchsafe me anie extraordinarie Fauour And he doth it in such sort that the Soule discernes her self as if she were really planted at the verie Day of the Last Vniuersall Iudgement and the truth is represented to her with such a kind of perspicuitie and claritie that she knowes not what to doe with her self At other times he is pleased to informe me of certaine dangers concerning both my self and others about things which doe not happen till three or fowre yeares after but they all were euer fulfilled and some of them might also be named if there were cause So that there are so manie particulars whereby it may be vnderstood that these things are of Almightie God as that in my opinion they cannot but be knowne and acknowledged The most secure proceeding consists in that such a person doe not faile to impart her whole Soule to her Ghostlie Father and that he be a learned man and that she doe entirely obey him At least this is the course which I take and without this I could haue no rest nor were it indeed fitt that we woemen should haue anie since we haue no learning and there can be no hurt at all in this but manie aduantages and benefits as our Lord himself hath told me manie times I say manie times I had once a Ghostlie Father who mortifyed me very much and sometimes he did euen afflict me and brought me a great deale of trouble and disquieted me in extraordinarie manner and yet it was he who in my opinion did me the most good of them all And though I loued him very much yet I had some temptations to leaue him for it seemed to me that I was much preiudiced by those inconueniences which he was wont to giue me concerning my Prayer But yet euer when I was determining to doe this I instantly vnderstood that I was to forbeare it and I receiued such a reprehension from our Lord as defeated and as it were annihilated me more then all that which my Ghostlie Father could
this end some little poore good workes which I did if I did anie I became deuoted to some Saints to the end that by their meanes I might be deliuered from the Diuel I performed the Deuotions of Nine Dayes I recōmended my self to S Hilarion and to S. Michael also the Archangell for I had lately applyed my self to him for this purpose and I importuned also mame other Saints that our Lord might be pleased by their intercession to conduct me in the way of Truth I say that they would find some meanes to perfect this busines of mine with his Diuine Maiestie In fine after the end of two yeares which both I and other persons had wholy employed with all their prayers and mine in order to this end that our Lord might be pleased either to conduct my Soule by some other way or els vouchsafe to declare that this way wherein I went was right for now those VVords and Speeches which I haue related that our Lord would be vttering to me sometimes were growne very ordinarie euen continuall that chanced and occurred to me which I will now declare As I was in Prayer one day and it was vpon the Festiuitie of the Glorious S. Peter I saw standing very neer me or rather to say better mee thought I felt for indeed I saw nothing at all with the eyes either of my Bodie or of my Minde that Christ our Lord was close by me and I found in fine that it was he in my opinion who was speaking to me But now I who was extreamly ignorant till then that there might be anie such thing in the world as such a Vision fell at the first into a mightie feare and I could doe nothing but weepe though yet through his giuing me assurance by his speaking but one onlie word I found my self as I had formerly been not only without feare and very quiet but euen with Regalo and delight Me thought that Christ Iesus our Lord went euer close to me on one side but the Vision not being Imaginarie or represented in any Forme I perceiued not in what shape he was But as for his being euer on my right side I found and felt that very clearly and that he was the witnes of whatsoeuer I did and that I could not be recollected though it were neuer so little or rather indeed vnlesse I were much diuerted or distracted but I must needs in fine vnderstand that he was very neer me I then went immediatly to my Ghostlie Father being sufficiently vexed and greiued that I must let him know it He asked me what Forme or Figure he had when I saw him and I told him that I had not seen him Vpon this he enquired then how I knew that it was Christ our Lord. To this I answered that I knew no more but that I could not possibly faile or forbeare to vnderstand and know that he was close to me and that I found and felt it plainly and that now the recollection of my Soule in Prayer of Quiet was farre greater and more continuall that the effects were very different from those others which I had formerly found and that the thing was very certaine and cleare For my part I could doe no more but bring diuerse Comparisons whereby to giue my self to be vnderstood but yet certainly in my opinion there is none which can suite very well to expresse this kind of Vision For as this is one of the highest kind as I was told afterwards by a certaine holie man and of great Spirit called Fray Pedro de Alcantara whome I shall mention afterward more at large and the same hath been also told me by other great learned men and that this is one of those Fauours where the Diuel can least intermeddle or intrude himself of all others so haue we heer no words or tearmes at all wherewith to declare it at least we who know so little though such as are learned will peraduēture be able to doe it better For when I say that I neither saw this with the eyes of the Bodie nor of the Minde because it was no Imaginarie Vision how come I to vnderstand and how can I vndertake and affirme more clearly certainly that Christ our Lord was standing neer me then if I had seen him with my verie eyes For it seemes indeed to be as if a person were in the darke who sees not another that stands by him or as if the same person were blind Some resemblance I say this carries though yet not very much For in this last case a man may come to know it by the way of seuerall Senses because he may heare the other speake or stirre or he may touch him But heer there is nothing of all this nor is there heer anie darknes at all but only the thing is represented to the Soule by a certaine notice which is more cleare then the Sunne I say not that anie Sunne is seen nor anie clearnes or brightnes at all but only a certaine light which illuminates and informes the Vnderstanding though yet without seing anie light to the end that the Soule may enioy so high a good Now this brings great benefits with it Yet is it not like such a Presence of God as manie times is felt in the Minde and especially by such persons as be ariued to Vnion and Quiet Prayer who in resoluing to beginne to make that Prayer seem to find the person readie at hand to whome to speake and we seem to vnderstand that he heares vs by the effects and spirituall feelings which we find of great Loue and Faith and other firme purposes and resolutions accompanied with much tendernes of Denotions This is a great Fauour of Almightie God and let him esteem it much who hath it for it is a very eleuated and high Prayer but yet it is no Vision but heer it is vnderstood that Almightie God is there by the effects which as I haue sayd he workes in the Soule for in this manner of Prayer doth his Diuine Maiestie vouchsafe to giue hemself then and there to be felt But now heer it is clearly found that Christ Iesus the Sonne of the Virgin is present In that other manner of Prayer there are certaine influences of the Diuinitie represented but heer togeather with them we find that the most Sacred Humanitie also of Christ our Lord doth accompanie vs to doe vs fauour My Ghostlie Father then asked me this question VVho told you that it vvas Iesus Christ Himself told me so answered I and that manie times but yet euen before he told me so it was im printed vpon my Vnderstanding that it was he yea and euen before this he told me so and yet still I saw him not If anie man whome I had neuer seen but only had heard newes of him should come to speake with me I being either blind or in the darke and should tell me who he were I should beleiue him and yet I could not so
should be like it Well may one represent it to his owne Imagination and stand looking vpon it for some time and consider his shape and complexion and so goe perfecting it by little and little and recommending that Image ouer to his Memorie for who can take this power from the minde And thus much am I able to doe by the strength of mine owne Vnderstanding But in that other whereof we were speaking there is no meanes for this for we must behold that iust then when our Lord is pleased to represent it to vs and iust also what he will how he will Nor is there in this case anie meanes either to add or diminish anie thing how much soeuer we may endeauour it either towards the seeing it or forbearing to see it when we will For whēsoeuer we shall dispose our selues to fix our sight fast vpon beholding anie particular thing the sight of Christ our Lord is instantly lost It hapned to me two yeares and a half that very ordinarily Christ our Lord was pleased to vouchsafe me this Fauour and it is now more then three since he hath depriued me of the so continuall vse of this Vision by affording me another of a higher kind as perhaps I shall declare afterward And I finding that he would be speaking to me and I the while beholding that extreame beautie of his and obseruing the suauitie with which he vttered those words by that most Louelie and Diuine mouth and sometimes also with rigour whilst I in the meane time had a kind of extreame desire to see the colour of those eyes and the size and shape which they had to the end that I might be able to relate the same to my Ghostlie Father I could neuer yet obtaine to see them and my diligence would not serue to procure it but the Vision was rather absolutly lost And though it be very true that sometimes I see he lookes vpon me with a kind of sweetnes and compassion yet this spectacle is of so mightie a force that the Soule is not able to endure it but remaines in so high a Rapt that to the end she may the better enioy the whole she wholy looses the sight of this most beautifull obiect So that in fine and in order to this end it serues to little purpose either to will or not to will anie thing heer and it growes to be cleare enough that our Lord lookes for nothing in these cases but for humilitie and confusion of our selues and for a minde to take that which is giuen and to praise him who is pleased to impart it And it holds in all true Visions without exception that a Creature can doe nothing at all either towards the more or the lesse and that all our diligences put togeather are neither able to doe anie thing nor vndoe for our Lord will haue vs see very clearly that this is no worke of ours but only of his Diuine Maiestie and so as that we are little moued to be the prouder by them but they rather make vs more timorous and more humble whilst we find that as our Lord depriues vs of a power to see that which we desire so he can also take these Fauours yea and his grace from vs too in such sort as that we may be vtterly lost We must therefore be alwaies walking on with feare as long as we shall liue heer in this bannishment Our Lord hath almost euer represented himself to me as after his Resurrection He hath also done it sometimes in the Sacred Hoast Sometimes for strengthning me when I chance to be in tribulation he shewes me his Wounds And sometimes also he vouchsafes that I should see him iust so as he was vpon the Crosse and sometimes as in the Garden yea and also some seldome times with his Crowne of Thornes vpon his Head and at other times carrying his Crosse Yet this as I was saying vses to occurr but in the time of some necessitie either of mine owne or of others but yet alwaies as a Glorifyed Bodie And I haue suffered affronts and vexations enow in declaring these things and haue growne subiect thereby to great persecutions and feares They made themselues so very sure that all this was the Diuel that there wanted not certaine persons who wished that I might be Exorcifed for that purpose yet this gaue me very little trouble But the thing which I felt in good earnest was either when my Ghostlie Fathers were afrayd to heare my Confessions or els when I came to know that they were told tales But yet still vpon the whole matter I know not how to make my self sorrie for hauing seen these Celestiall Visions nor would I giue anie one of them all for all the greatnesses and delights of this whole world for I euer held these things to be a very great Fauour of our Lord and I esteem them to be an excessiue kind of treasure yea and our Lord himself hath assured me thereof manie times Withall I found my self grow heerby to loue his Diuine Maiestie very much and so to him would I euer be going to complaine of all the troubles I had and I alwayes came out of Prayer both with comfort and addition of strength As for them I would not presume to contradict them for I saw it made things worse as seeming to them that it was want of humilitie in me but I communicated them still to my Ghostlie Father and whensoeuer he found me afflicted he was carefull that I should receaue much comfort from him As my Visions grew-on to encrease one of them who assisted me before who was a man that vsed to Confesse me sometimes when the Sub-Rectour was not in the way to heare me beganne to tell me how it was most certaine that it was the Diuel and then they grew to command me since there was no other meanes to resist him that I should alwaies be Crossing and blessing my self when I should chance to see anie Vision and that I should vse some exteriour action or signe of scorne that so he might be sure I held him certainly to be the Diuel and that perhaps by this meanes he would come no more but that yet I should be afrayd of nothing because God would keep me still and would also take that temptation from me Now this was painefull enough to me for considering that I could not possibly beleiue but that it was Almightie God this proceeding was very terrible for me to vndergoe Nor was it also possible for me as of my selfe to desire that it might be taken from me but yet in fine I performed all those acts which they commanded and I besought our Blessed Lord with much instance to free me from it and I did it with abundance of teares I begged it also by the prayers of S. Peter and S. Paul in regard that I hauing had the first of all my Visions vpon the Day of their Festiuitie our Lord
himself vouchsafed to tell me that they would so take care of me as that I might not be deceiued And accordingly I haue often seen and that very clearly though yet not by way of anie Imaginarie Vision or represented person these two Glorious Saints who are so much my good Patrons standing by me vpon my left hand and that after a very euident manner But now this order of those others to make signes of contempt and scorne whensoeuer I had that Vision of our Blessed Lord did put me to a mightie kind of paine for when I saw him present before mine eyes it was impossible for me to beleiue that it was the Diuel though they should haue torne me into a thousand peices to make me doe it and therefore it was a strange kind of Pennance which they put vpon me But now to the end that I might not be so perpetually Crossing my self I tooke a Crosse into my hands and this I did in effect alwaies but indeed I vsed not those signes of scorne so very often for that afflicted me too much For I well remembred the affronts iniuries which the Iewes had put vpon our Lord so I humbly besought him to pardon me if I did the like since I did it by way of Obedience to them whome he had appointed in his owne place and I prayed him not to lay it to my charge since they were the persons whome himself had placed in his Church He told me then that I should not be troubled at it and that I did well in obeying them and that he would bring them at length to vnderstand the truth But when they for bad me to vse Prayer me thought our Lord was growne angrie at it yea and he bad me tell them that this was a verie tyran̄ie in them and he gaue me also wayes how to make me know that this was not a worke of the Diuel and I will touch vpon some one of them afterward When once I had the Crosse in my hand which was at the end of my Rosarie he tooke the same into his and when he gaue it me againe it consisted of foure great Stones incomparably more pretious then Diamonds for there is no such thing in this world as that which goes in the Supernaturall way and a Diamond is but an imperfect and counterfeit kind of Stone in comparison of those others whereof I speake Now these Stones had the Fiue Wounds of our Blessed Lord in them after a most curious makeing and he told me that I should see him iust so from that time forward and so I did and now I no longer saw the wood whereof the Crosse was made but only these pretious Stones and yet so as that no other saw them but my self When they beganne to command me to make these tryals or proofes and to vse resistance to those Fauours they grew on to a higher encrease for though I might haue a minde to diuert my self yet I neuer was out of Prayer nay me thinkes I was in Prayer euen whilst I slept for heer all was growing-on and growing-vp in the loue of our Blessed Lord and the making also of a pittifull kind of complaints which I vttered to him and my not being able to endure it nor was it in my power though I had desired it and least of all when I procured it to giue ouer my thinking vpon him But yet still I obeyed them as well as I could though yet I were able to doe little or nothing therein Now our Lord did neuer free me from obeying them but howsoeuer it be true that he commanded me to doe as they bad me he yet gaue me assurance otherwise yea and instructed me also about what I should say to them and the same he doth also to this day and he taught me so concluding reasons of all things that they gaue me all sufficient assurance And now his Diuine Maiestie hath begunne very lately to performe what he had been pleased to promise me before as namely to assure me yet better that it was he for there grew in me so great a loue of Almightie God that I knew not how it could get into my hart and it was of a very Supernaturall kind nor was it I who procured it I then found my self euen as it were to dye through a desire wherein I was to see Almightie God nor could I come to know how I might be able to seeke-out this kind of life but by the way of death There came vpon me so great impetuosities or impulses of this loue that howsoeuer they were not so insupportable not yet altogeather of so high value as those others were which I related before yet knew I not what to doe with my self for nothing could now giue me satisfaction nor was I able euen to containe my verie self but really it was with me as if my Soule had been directly torne out of my Bodie O most admirable kind of artifice of our Lord what manner of choice and delicate industrie is that which thou art pleased to vse towards this miserable Slaue of thine For thou didst hide thy self from me and yet withall didst euen then presle vpon me so very close with thy loue by giuing me such a delightfull and sauourie kind of death as that the Soule by her good will would neuer be deliuered from the same Whosoeuer hath neuer tryed and felt these so great impetuosities of Diuine Loue it is impossible that he should be able to vnderstand them for this is not a kind of restlesnes of the breast or hart nor anie of that kind of deuotions which are wont sometimes as it were to stop the breath in such sort as that the Soule is not able to containe her self But this is an inferiour kind of Prayer to that and heerin we are to procure to remoue such kind of promptitudes and vehemences as those and to endeauour to retire them sweetly into themselues so to appease and calme the Soule For this is in some sort as when little Children cry and sobb sometimes so thick as that they are euen readie to choake and when the Nurse giues them drinke that excesse of their passion and expression beginnes to cease And so in this case also is Reason to take the bridle into the hand for perhaps the verie naturall condition and constitution of the person himself may be the thing which contributes somewhat to this state of minde at that time And therefore let consideration be vsed for feare least all should not be perfect and least a very great part thereof fall out to haue some what of the Sensuall in it and let this Child be stilled by some Regalo or other of Loue which may induce it to exercise and expresse the loue it self which he also beares by a moregentle and sweet kind of way and not thus as it were by going to cuffes But let them goe retiring that verie loue of theirs into the more inward part
the verie first by experience which was indeed the onlie thing whereof I had need at that time for then I could not giue my self so well to be vnderstood as now I can at least not so farre as to expresse it home For since that time it hath pleased our Lord to enable me to vnderstand and to declare to me the Fauours which his Diuine Maiestie doth me but formerly it was necessarie enough for me to find a person who had passed through the same things by experience if I would hope that he should perfectly vnderstand me and declare to me what euerie thing was Now this Father gaue me very great light for I could not by anie meanes vnderstand what that could be which concerned those Visions which were not Imaginarie or represented by the Imagination and me thought also that I vnderstood as little of those others which I saw with the onlie eyes of my Soule for as I haue sayd before those only which were visible by our Corporeall eyes seemed to me to be indeed of importance and of these I had receaued none at all But now this holie man gaue me light in all and declared it to me and required me not to be troubled anie longer but that I should blesse and praise Almightie God and that I was to be very sure that these were true effects of his Spirit and that although it were no Article of Faith yet nothing could be more certainly true nor which I might more firmely beleiue And he comforted himself very much with me and shewed me all courtesie and fauour and euer after he had great care of me and he communicated diuerse of his affaires and businesses with me And finding that I had the self-same desires of those things which he had already put in practise for indeed in as much as concerned desires our Lord had giuen them to me with great resolution and finding also that I was so full of courage in order to that end he tooke particular contentment to treat with me For whensoeuer our Blessed Lord is pleased to bring one to this State there is no ioy or comfort which can be equall to the meeting with some such other person as to whome our Lord hath been pleased to vouchsafe some beginning thereof for then perhaps I had not much more then a beginning by what I may be able to conceiue And I beseech our Blessed Lord that I haue it vet But as for him he had extraordinarie compassion of me and told me that one of the verie greatest afflictions of this life was that which I had endured Namely the opposition and contradiction of good men and that still I would be a little obnoxious in the same kind because I must euer be in need of help and that he feared there was no bodie in that Cittie who would vnderstand me But that he would speake with my Ghostlie Father to one also of those others who was wont to giue me most discomfort which was that married Cauallier of whome I spoke before For he as being a person who loued me perhaps more then the rest did continually make warre vpon me and he was a man of a tender and holie Soule and considering how lately before he had found how wicked I was he knew not how to make himself sure that all was right But now the holle man Fray Pedro grew to talke with those two persons afforesayd and he shewed them causes and reasons why they should both quiet and assure themselues and disturbe me no more As for my Ghostlie Father there was no very great need of much diligence but as for the Cauallier it suffised not for him to heare what Fray Pedro sayd though yet it were a meanes to keep him from frighting me so very much as he had done before But then we resolued togeather that I should write to Fray Pedro of all that which might succeed to me afterward and to recommend one another much to Almightie God for so great was his humilitie as to make some little account of the prayers of this miserable Creature which gaue me confusion enough But he left me with extreame comfort and gust and directed me to proceed securely on with my Prayer and to make no doubt at all but that it was of Almightie God and that whensoeuer I might be in anie doubt for mine owne greater securitie I should impart whatsoeuer occurred to my Ghostlie Father and that then I should hold my self for safe But yet notwithstanding all this counsaile I was not able to be entirely secure because our Lord was pleased to guide me still by the way of feare which sometimes made me apt to doubt that the Diuel had a hand in the busines whensoeuer they would needs tell me that it was so And thus indeed vpon the whole matter no Creature was able to giue me either so much securitie or so much feare as to make me yeild more credit to either of them then our Lord was pleased to infuse into my Soule So that howsoeuer this holie man did helpe me both to quiet and comfort yet did I not so entirely beleiue him as to remaine without anie feare at all especially when our Lord came sometimes to leaue me in certaine troubles of minde which I shall instantly relate yet howsoeuer as I was saying my comfort was then much encreased But I could not then satisfye my self with giuing humble thankes enow to Almightie God and to that Glorious Father of mine S. Ioseph who as I was apt to thinke had brought Fray Pedro thither for he was Commissarie Generall of the Custodia of S. Ioseph to whome as also to our B. Ladie I vsed to recommend my self much Now it had hapned to me formerly sometimes yea and so it doth also yet though not so often to find my self in so excessiue troubles and afflictions of Mind togeather with feirce infirmities afflictions and torments of Bodie that I knew not which way to turne my self At other times I haue been subiect to corporall miseries which were more greiuous but yet not finding my self subiect then to the sense of such sorrowes of minde as now I haue I passed with much alacritie through them all But whensoeuer they of both kindes came togeather the miserie of it was so great as that it gaue me affliction enough And as for those great Fauours which our Lord had been pleased to doe me I then forgot them all and there only remained but such a kind of memorie of them as of a thing which I had dreamt and this serued but to giue me so much the more paine For the Vnderstanding growes in those cases to be all obscured and dulled in such sort as that it made me enter into a thousand suspicions and doubts as if I had not formerly vnderstood things well and that perhaps I followed fancies in stead of truths and that it might haue been miserie enough for me to be deceaued my self without seeking
little in the Monasterie The Diuel also would be sure to helpe to be partly a meanes that I might remaine little at home for alwaies by my imparting to some of the Religious there those good things which I had learnt of others with whome I vsed to conuerse they receaued much aduantage and good But yet once being there with a certaine person it hapned that she sayd both to me and others What say you if we should become like those Religious woemen who goe barefoot for perhaps it may be possible in time to make some Monasterie of that kind But now I hauing also these verie same desires beganne to treat the busines with that Widdow my Companion and Friend of whome I spake before who had also the same desire with me Vpon this she beganne to cast how to endue it with Rent but I came quickly to find that there was no great probabilitie of that though the desire which we had thereof made vs yet beleiue that it might perhaps take effect But I on the other side finding great contentment in the House where I was because it was much according to mine owne minde and the Cell wherein I liued was of very great conuentences for me suspended my self from being earnest in the execution of that other designe though yet we did resolue to recommend it in particular manner to Almightie God And one day as soone as I had Communicated his Diuine Maiestie commanded me in earnest manner to endeauour it to the verie vtter most of my power And he was pleased to make me great promises that the Monasterie should not faile to be made and that he would be serued much in it and that it should be called by the name of S. Ioseph and that himself would keepe vs safe at one of the gates and his Mother our B. Ladie at the other and that Christ our Lord would continue with vs and that the place should proue to be euen a Starre which would yeild great brightnes and splendour of it self and that though other Religious Orders were then relaxed men must not thinke that he was but little serued by them and what should become of the world if it were not for Religious persons And that I should tell my Ghostlie Father that he had commanded me all this and that he wished him not to oppose it nor to diuert me from it And this Vision which our Blessed Lord was pleased to giue me was followed by so great effects that the Speech which was vsed therein was such and vttered in such a manner that I could not possibly doubt but that it was he How soeuer I was still in extreame paine because the great disquiets and troubles which I was sure the thing would cost did partly represent themselues to me and considering how extreamly well content I was in that first House and though formerly I had treated of this other busines yet it was not with anie such resolution and certaintie as if it might be sure to take effect Now heer it seemed to me that the reward set it self instantly before me for the doing it but yet when I saw that it was likelie to be a thing of very great disquiet and trouble I was still in a kind of doubt what I would finally doe And yet they were so manie seuerall times that our Lord renewed his Speech to me vpon this subiect representing so manie causes and reasons for it that I saw clearly enough that it was his will So that now I thought no more of anie thing els but only to acquaint my Ghostlie Father with it and so I gaue him all that which had occurred in writing As for him he durst not resolutly will me to giue it ouer but saw that there was little apparance to carrie it through according to the discourse of naturall reason in regard that my Companion and Freind who was the onlie person who was to doe it had very little or no meanes to effect it He wished me to treat of it with the Prelate who was my Superiour and that I should doe therein what he ordained But I spake not of these Visions with that Prelate but that Ladie treated with him and told him that she desired to erect a new Monasterie and the Prouinciall did very gladly giue way for he was a freind of all Religious Obseruance and Pietie and so he afforded all the fauour which was needfull and told her that he would admit and accept the House They spake then of the Reuenue which it was to haue and we neuer inclined to let it consist of more then Thirteen Religious this for manie reasons But before we beganne to treat of the matter thus farre we wrote to the holie man Fray Pedro de Alcantara and acquainted him with all that which passed and he counsailed vs to proceed in this designe and he sent vs his opinion vpon the whole busines But now this purpose of ours was no sooner knowne ouer the Towne then there did instantly grow to be such a persecution against vs as cannot be written in few words The scoffes the icares the laughing the saying that it was a Foolerie and senselesse toy That for my part I was well enough in my Monasterie but for my Companion and freind they cast such a loade of persecution vpon her that they euen ouerlayd her As for me I knew not what to doe for me thought that they had partly some reason But being thus distressed and recommending my self one day to Almightie God his Diuine Maiestie beganne to comfort and encourage me and told me that now I might see through what difficulties those Saints had passed who had founded the Religious Orders of the Church and that we were to passe through manie more persecutions then I could imagine but that yet we should not be troubled at all He told me also some things which I was to deliuer to my Companion and the thing at which I wondred most was that instantly we were comforted in respect of all that which was past and encouraged for all that which was to be future And it is certaine that there was not in all that Towne anie one person of Prayer nay in fine there was scarce anie one at all who did not oppose vs at that time and who thought not this designe to be a most senslesse thing There were so manie ieasts and learings and stirres in our verie Monasterie that now euen the Prouinciall opposed himself stifly against vs and he changed his former opinion and now would no longer admit the House but sayd that the Rent was both little and besides not very secure and that there was very great contradiction He seemed to haue reason in all and in fine he gaue-ouer the busines and would not admit the House Now we who had already receaued the first blowes vpon our owne heads were greatly troubled at it but particularly it struck me much that the Prouinciall was now found to be opposite for
our Lord seemes to haue forwarded much in the way of Spirit for he makes them runne-on apace and not goe foot by foot And his manner is to vntye them soundly and totally from all Creatures and to put them to the exercise and practise of Mortification for in this our Blessed Lord hath imparted a most particular talent to him as he hath also done in manie other things Now as soone as I beganne to communicate my affaires with him I instantly vnderstood his stile and way of proceeding and I found that he had a holie and pure Soule and that our Lord had giuen him a particular tallent in the trying and knowing of Spirits So that I was comforted both much and very soone after I had once communicated with him and our Blessed Lord beganne againe to presse me towards a treating of the Busines of the Monasterie and that I should declare both to my Ghostlie Father and to this Rectour the manie grounds and reasons why they were not to disswade and diuert me from it and some of them made them hartily afrayd to doe it For this Father Rectour neuer did so much as doubt but that it was the Spirit of Almightie God because he had beheld and considered the effects with very great studie and care In fine after the consideration of manie things they durst not presume to diuert me and my Ghostlie Father did againe giue me leaue to vse all the endeauour I could and yet I was able to see very well what a great deale of trouble it would giue me in regard I was so vtterly alone and had very little power to effect anie thing But we agreed that it should be carried with great priuacy and therefore I procured that a certaine Sister of mine who liued els-where should buy and build the House as if it were for her self and that it should be done with monie which our Lord found meanes by certaine wayes wherewith to pay for it But it would be a long busines to tell you how his Diuine Maiestie went prouiding it for as for me I desired to be very sure to doe nothing which might be against Obedience But I was not then to learne that if I told anie thing to the Superiours of my Order the whole Busines would be lost as it was before yea and that if I did so now it would fall-out to be worse In the point of getting monie for making the bargaine for a Seate and for building also the House I endured manie troubles and some of them all alone though yet my Companion and freind did also the best she could But in fine she could doe little and indeed so very little that vpon the matter it was a kind of nothing but only to take vpon her the name and to lend it her countenance for all the rest of the trouble I was mine and it came vpon me so very manie wayes that I doe euen wonder now how I was able to endure it then Sometimes when I was full of affliction I would be vttering my self to Almightie God after this manner O my deare Lord how comest thou to command me things which seem impossible For though I be a woeman yet if I had libertie perhaps something might be done but being tyed vp in all respects without monie and without knowing where to get anie whereby either the Breue or anie thing els may be had what can I doe O Lord But being once in a certaine necessitie and not knowing which way to turne my self and not being able to pay the workmen S. Ioseph my true Father and Patron appeared to me and told me that monie would not be wanting to me and therefore that I should make the agreement and so I did euen when I had no monie at all and afterward our Blessed Lord prouided it by so strange wayes that they who heard of it were amazed But now me thought the House shewed to be very little and indeed it was so and in that extremitie that it seemed not capable of being euer able to be a Monasterie and I had a good minde to buy another House but neither had I wherewithall to doe it nor otherwise anie meanes to procure it though there were yet a very little one ioyning to it whereof a Church might be made But after I had Communicated one day our Lord sayd thus to me I haue already vvilled thee to beginne as thou mayest And then after the manner of exclamation he sayd thus also to me O the touetousues of the race of mankinde vvhich thinkes that it shall vvant euen earth vpon vvhich to tread Hovv often haue I slept in the open ayre as not knovving vvhere to lay my head Vpon this I was amazed and found that he had reason and so I went to that little House and ordered it And though it were very little yet it was iust fitt to make such a kind of Monasterie and I made it no more my busines to compasse a larger Seate but procured to build vpon that in such sort as it might be fitt to be inhabited all course and rude and without anie other misterye but only that it might not be hurtfull in point of health and so it shall euer remaine Vpon the day of S. Clare I going to receaue the B. Sacrament she appeared to me in very great beautie and bad me be of a good courage and goe on in the worke which I had begunne and that she would assist me And this hath proued so true that a Monasterie of Religious woemen of her Order which is neer this doth help to sustaine and feed vs and which yet is more she hath by little and little brought this desire of mine to such perfection that the self-same pouertie which that Blessed Saint established in her House is exercised also in this and we liue of Almes which point hath cost me no small trouble in getting it confirmed by His Holines and to be further also established in such sort as that no innouation may be made not the House be euer capable of Rent And now doth our Blessed Lord euen more then this and perhaps the same may grow by the intercession of this Blessed Saint for his Diuine Maiestie prouides vs with all things necessarie in most compleat manner without our euer asking anie thing of anie Creature Let him be Blessed for all things Amen But I being about that time vpon the Day of the Assumption of our B. Ladie in a certaine Monasterie of the Glorious S. Dominick's Order I was considering the manie Sinnes of my former time which I had Confessed in that House and the accidents of my wicked life and suddainly there came so great a Rapt vpon me that it tooke me in effect wholy out of my self I then sat downe and yet it seemed to me that I was not able either to heare Masse or so much as to see the Eleuation for which I remained afterward with some scruple Now it seemed to me that
whilst I found my self in that condition I was apparrelled with a certaine Garmēt of much whitenes and clearnes and at the first I could not tell who it was that cloathed me but afterward I saw our B. Ladie on the right hand and my Father S. Ioseph on the left who apparelled me then with that Robe and it was giuen me to be vnderstood that I was now growne to be cleansed from my Sinnes When thus I was apparelled and found my self full of ioy and glorie it instantly seemed to me that our B. Ladie layd hold vpon me and told me That it contented her much to see me serue the Glorious S. Ioseph That I was to beleiue that what I pretended concerning the Monasterie should be effected and That our Lord and they two would be much serued there That I must not be afrayd that euer there would be anie failing therein howsoeuer some commandments which might fall out to be imposed vpon me would not be according to my gust for euen themselues in fine would defend and keep vs That her Sonne had already promised that he would be and remaine with vs and in testimonie that all this should proue true she cast a faire and bright Chaine of gold about my neck with a Crosse fastned to it of great value But this Gold and these Pretious Stones are so very different from those of this world that there is no manner of comparison between them for the beautie of these is farre other then anie thing which we can imagine heer Nor doth humane Vnderstanding ariue to know of what the Garment was made nor how to fancie that cleare whitenes to it selfe which our Lord is pleased to represent for all that of this inferiour world is no better then a kind of scratch with a coale as a man may say in respect of the other The beautie also which I saw in our B. Ladie was excessiue though yet I could not determine the forme or figure of anie particular part which I might assigne her but only the frame and ayre of the whole face togeather She was apparrelled in white with excesse of splendour but yet of no such kind as dazles but most dearly sweet As for the Glorious S. Ioseph I saw not him so clearly though yet I well perceaued that he was there like those Visions whereof I spake which are not seen Our B. Ladie was extraordinatily young and she remained with me a very little while and I had excessiue glorie and gust by it and more in my opinion then euer I had enioyed before and I would certainly haue been glad enough if I might neuer haue left it It seemed to me that I saw them both ascend to Heauen with a very great multitude of Angells and I the while remained in much Solitude though yet withall so comforted and eleuated and euen dissolued and recollected in Prayer that I remained for some space of time in such sort as not to be able either to speake or stirre but I was wholy as it were out of my self And I continued with a great impulse of desire to be euen as it were annihilated for Almightie God and I found also such effects thereof and the whole passed-on in such sort as that I was neuer able though I endeauoured much to doubt but that this Visitation was of Almighty God The Queen of the Angells left me topp-full of comfort and of profound peace by what she sayd to me of Obedience and the Case was this For my part I was very vnwilling not to giue this House vp to the Order and indeed our Lord himself had told me that it was not fitt that they should haue it and he also deliuered me the reasons why it was not by anie meanes fitt but that I should send about it to Rome by a certaine way and he also made me know that he would cause it to be dispatched from thence and so it was And it was sent by that verie meanes whereof our Lord had told me but we should neuer haue finally been able to dispatch it of our selues and vpon the occasions which succeeded afterward it was very fitt that it should be submitted by way of Obedience to the Bishop Yet then I knew him not nor vnderstood what kind of Prelate he was but our Lord was pleased that he should be so good and should fauour this House as much as was fitt yea and euen necessarie for the encountring of that great cōtradiction which occurred heerin as I shall declare afterward and to put it into that state wherein now it is And let him be euer Blessed who hath so disposed of all Amen THE FOVRE AND THIRTIETH CHAPTER She declares hovv at this time she vvas necessarily to goe from that place and she shevves the cause thereof and hovv her Superiour commanded her to goe for the comfort of a certaine Ladie vvho vvas much afflicted She beginnes to treat of that vvich hapned to her there and of the great fauour vvhich it pleased our Lord to doe by her meanes in stirring-vp a very principall person to doe him great seruice and hovv aftervvard she receaued much fauour and protection from him This is an admirable Discourse and very much to be noted BVt notwithstanding all the care I tooke that men might not know what we were doing this whole Busines could not be carried with so much secrecie but that manie must needs vnderstand it and some of them did beleiue it and others not For my part I was hartily afrayd that if the Prouinciall should come and they chance to tell him of it he would command me to giue it ouer and then the whole designe would be at an end But our Lord ordained things in such sort that about à matter of twentie leagues off it occurred that there was a certaine Ladie very much afflicted by the death of her Husband and she found her self in such extremitie thereby that her health was much concerned and feared Now she had gotten some notice of this miserable poore wretched Sinner for it seemes that our Lord had ordained already that they should speake well of me in her hearing for the effecting of other good things which depended vpon this This Ladie was very well acquainted with this Prouinciall and he considering what a principall person she was and that I was in a Monasterie which kept not Clausure our Lord gaue her so great a desire to see me as conceauing that she should receaue comfort by my meanes that it was almost no longer now in her power not instantly to procure by all possible endeauour to get me thither and so she sent to the Prouinciall who was very farre off at that time and accordingly he also sent me an expresse commandment vnder Obedience that forthwith I should transport my self thither with a Companion Now I came to know of this vpon a Christmasse-Day at night and it put me into much disorder and gaue me a great deale of paine
to find that they resolued to carrie me away as conceauing that there was some goodnes in me For considering how wicked I knew my self to be I could by no meanes endure it but so recommending my self much to Almightie God I remained during all the time of Matins or at least the farre larger part thereof in a verie great Rapt Our Lord declared to me then that I should not faile to goe and that I was not to harken to the opinions of others for few would thinke without rashnes that they could aduise me to goe but that howsoeuer the iourney might be of much trouble to mee yet that he would be greatly serued thereby and that it would be also very conuenient that I should absent my self from hence till the Breue were come because the Diuel had a great plott prouided against the time when the Prouinciall should be there but yet that I must be afrayd of nothing for that in fine he should assist me in the busines Vpon this I was much comforted and encouraged and I related the whole Storie to the Rectour who told me that I must by no meanes forbeare to goe but others sayd that I must not doe it by anie meanes and that it was but an inuention of the Diuell to the end that some mischeife might happen to me and that my best way would be to reply vpon the Prouinciall But I obeyed the Rectour and considering also what had passed in Prayer I beganne my iourney without feare but yet not without extreame confusion to consider vnder what title and occasion they called for me And finding how much they were deceiued it made me euen importune our Blessed Lord so much the more not to forsake me Now it comforted me extreamly that there was in that place whither I was going a Colledge of the Societie of Iesus and that I might be subiect to that wherein they should direct me when I was there for by this meanes I conceaued that I was to be in a kind of safetie But when I ariued there our Blessed Lord was pleased that the Ladie should receaue so much comfort that her amendment was quickly seen for she was euerie day better and better And this was the more esteemed because as I sayd before the paine wherein she was did hold her in great difficulties and straights And it is likelie that our Lord graunted her ease at the instance of the manie prayers which certaine holie persons whome I knew did make in my behalfe that so all might succeed happily to me She had also euen in her self a great feare of Almightie God and was so full of vertue and goodnes that her much Christianitie and pietie supplyed for that which was wanting in me Now she grew into a great loue of me and I remained not a whitt in her debt when I saw her goodnes But yet in effect euen all was trouble to me there for the Regalo's which they gaue me were no lesse then so manie torments to me and their making so much account of me as they shewed did put me into a great deale of feare I therefore carried my Soule so restrained and so retired within my self that I durst not be anie way carelesse in that kind and so also was not our Lord vnmindefull of me For he did me whilst I was there most excessiue Fauours and they endued me with so true and so great libertie of Spirit as to make me vndervalue despise all those testimonies of estimation honour which I found there the more the more and so as that I failed not to treat with those Ladies who were so great with as much libertie as if I had been equall to them whereas yet they were of such qualitie that I might without anie dishonour at all to my self haue been euen their domestick Seruant I drew a great aduantage and benefit from thence and so I told her I found that she was subiect to some weaknesses and passions as my self am and how little she was in reason to esteem her greatnes and power which still the more it is so much the more trouble and care it drawes after it And they are faine to take such thought for liuing in such a forme and methode as is fitt forsooth for their greatnes and ranke that vpon the matter it scarce giues them leaue to liue For they eat out of time and out of order because all forsooth must goe in conformitie to the state which they hold and not with anie regard to their constitution and health nay sometimes they must feed vpon such meates as are more agreable to their greatnes then to their gust and so as that for my part I wholy abhorred so much as euen to desire to be a great Ladie God deliuer me from such ill-fauoured grauitie and greatnes as this for though the Ladie of whome I speake be one of the greatest of this Kingdome and I beleiue there are few more humble and more affable then she yet really I had and haue compassion of her to see how she passes manie times not in conformitie euen so much as with her owne inclination but to comply with her condition for euen in point of Seruants there is very little trust to be reposed and though she had them good yet must she not speake more confidently and kindly to one of them then to another and if she doe whosoeuer is most fauoured by her must be sure to be lesse beloued by others In fine this greatnes is a great subiection and indeed one of the greatest Lyes which euer the world can tell is when it calls such persons as these Lords and Ladies for as for me they all seem to be no other thing then euen Slaues and that a thousand times ouer Our Lord was pleased at that time whilst I remained with that Ladie in her House that the domesticks also there improued much in the seruice of his Diuine Maiestie though yet for my part I was not free from some troubles yea and certaine enuies also which were expressed to my disaduantage by certaine persons in regard of the great affection which that Ladie bore me and perhaps they were so ill aduised as to imagine that I had some thought of interest by what I did But our Lord was pleased to permit that they should giue me some few little troubles both in this kind and also in others least els I might perhaps haue growne to be intoxicated by the Regalo which was vouchsafed to me on the other side but he was pleased to fetch me out of all those accidents and aduentures with the aduantage and improuement of mine owne Soule Whilst yet I remained there a certaine Religious man and a very eminent person with whome I had treated sometimes though it were maine yeares before did chance to ariue in that place And I being one day at Masse in a Monasterie of his Order which was neer to the place where I kept was taken with a
which howsoeuer I vnderstood them not my self did yet fall out so fitly for him that he was euen amazed And our Lord disposed him to beleiue that they came from his Diuine Maiestie and I on the other side though I be that poore miserable Creature which I am did humbly and earnestly beseech our Lord that he would perfectly and entirely conuert that man to himself and make him abhorre all the contentments and Creatures of this life And so for which let him be Blessed for euer he hath been pleased to doe it and that in so very perfect a manner that whensoeuer this Seruant of his is speaking to me it makes me in effect turne half foole and if I had not seen it with my verie eyes I should hold it for a doubtfull thing how Fauours could possibly be heaped-vp so very high vpon a Creature in so short a time and should hold him so busily and continually employed vpon Almightie God that already he seemes not to liue for the vse of anie thing of this world I humbly beseech his Diuine Maiestie to keep him in his protection still for certainly if he proceed after this rate as I hope in our Lord he will his Spirit being so deeply rooted in the knowledge of himself he will grow to be of the most eminent Seruants he hath and will be able to doe good to manie Soules For he hath gotten great experience concerning things of Spirit in a very short time and these are guifts which Almightie God imparts when and how he will without anie precise respect either to the time which hath been spent or els to the qualitie of the Seruice I say not yet but that this may also import much but that our Lord forbeares sometimes to giue that to a person in twentie yeares of Contemplation which yet he forbeares not to bestow vpon some other in one Our Lord knowes the reason of this And it is also a deceiptfull errour which abuses vs when it seemes we may vnderstand and obtaine that by account of yeates which can by no meanes be had without experience of the verie things as they are And so manie err as I haue sayd in thinking that they are fitt to iudge of Spirits without hauing anie themselues I say not but that a learned man though he haue no great knowledge of Spirit may gouerne another man who hath Spirit But this is to be vnderstood both in the exteriour and in the interiour way so farre as it may carrie a conformitie with the Naturall Powers by the worke of his Vnderstanding and as for those things which are Supernaturall he must be carefull that all goe on with consent to Holie Scripture And for the rest let him not vex himself nor conceaue that he vnderstands that whereof indeed he knowes nothing nor stifle and choake those Spirits which forasmuch as concernes these things are gouerned by another and a higher Lord for in fine they are not without a Superiour of their owne Be not amazed at this nor let these things seem impossible to you for all is very possible to our Lord but procure you to re-inforce your Faith and to humble your self when you see that our Blessed Lord knowes how to make a poore old ignorant woeman become a more knowing Creature perhaps in this Science then he who may be otherwise a very learned man For by meanes of this Humilitie one shall be able to doe more good both to the Soules of others and his owne then if he grow to be Contemplatiue without that Vertue And I say and say againe that if he be not a man of experience or if at least he haue not very abundantly of Humilitie wherewith to vnderstand that he vnderstands not the busines and that yet it is not impossible but that the thing in question may be true he shall both gaine little himself and enable him also lesse to gaine with whome he deales But on the other side if he haue Humilitie he may be well out of feare that our Lord will euer permit that either the one or the other shall be deceaued But now concerning this Father of whome I speake as our Lord hath giuen him experience in manie things so hath he also endeauoured to acquire all that which may be gotten by studie in this kind And whēsoeuer his owne experience falls short he informes himself by their meanes who haue more And heer our Lord comes to assist him by giuing him a great proportion of Faith and by this meanes he hath done very much good both to his owne Soule and those also of others and mine is one of them For our B. Lord considering the manie afflictions which I was to endure it seemes would prouide that sice some of them would be brought vpon me by such as were to gouerne my Soule there yet might be others found who would helpe me to goe through with those troubles and assist me much But as for this Religious man of whome I haue spoken so much our Lord hath so entirely changed him that vpon the matter he is no longer to be knowne for the man he was He hath now also giuen him much corporall strēgth whereby he is now enabled to doe Pennance which was impossible for him before for he was euer sicklie And he is also full of courage towards the performing of anie thing which is good and besides he hath varietie of other excellent things which make it well appeare that his Vocation came most particularly from our Lord And let him be Blessed for euer For my part I beleiue that all this good is come to him by the Fauours which our Lord hath done him in Prayer for they are not painted things or put loosely on but our Lord hath been pleased to haue him brought to the Touch and he hath proued therein as one who vnderstands very well the true value of that merit which is gotten by the well suffering of persecutions And I trust in the greatnes of our Lord that much good will accrue to some of his Order by his meanes yea and euen to the whole Order it self Already this beginnes to be vnderstood and my self haue seen great Visions and our Lord hath told me some particulars both of him and of the Rectour of the Colledge of the Societie of IESVS of whome I spake and they are things of great admiration as also of two other Religious men of S. Dominick's Order but especially of one for whose proceeding and profit in the way of Spirit our Lord hath already manifested some things to the world by reall proofe I had also heard formerly of him but they are manie instances which concerne the person of whome I spake before and one of them I will heer recount I was once with him in a Locutorie or Speaking-place of a Monasterie and so very great was the loue of Almightie God which my Soule and Spirit vnderstood to be euen burning in his that I was euen as it were
Almightie God who had assisted me alwaies and was a great freind and fauourer of all Perfection went to the Court to follow the busines and laboured in it very much and so also that holie Caualier of whome I made mention before did very much therein and shewed it fauour in all kinds He endured also great troubles and persecutions for it otherwise and I found him euer like a Father to it and so I doe also to this day And our Lord did still inspire them who were our freinds with such a deale of feruour that euerie one of them tooke our busines to hart as much as if it had been properly his owne and as if his whole honour and life had been concerned in it though yet they had indeed no other interest then only in regard that they thought it did import the Seruice of Almightie God But now it seemes clearly that his Diuine Maiestie assisted the good and vertuous Priest who was also a Doctour and he indeed was one of them who helped vs most for the Bishop employed him about it in his name in a certaine great Giunta or publique Meeting which was framed about it and therein he stood alone for vs against them all and in fine he found meanes to appease them For he made a kind of ouerture by a certaine way which was sufficient to entertaine and suspend their proceeding indeed there was not anie one who could otherwise haue sufficed to keepe them from resoluing instantly to employ euen their verie liues for the ouerthrowing of the Busines This Seruant of God of whome I speake was also the man who gaue the Habit to the Religious and set-vp the B. Sacrament there and he was subiect to persecution enough for his labour This batterie continued about half a yeare and to relate in particular manner the great troubles which passed in all that time would be along busines For my part I wondred extreamly at what a coyle the Diuel kept against a few poore Woemen and how euerie bodie could vnderstand that forsooth twelue Religious and a Prioresse for they were no more could be thought to be of such mischeif to a whole Cittie I meane such mischeif to them who opposed it but as for the Religious they were indeed of so austere life that if anie hurt or errour were to grow by that designe it must be only to them And as for being of preiudice to the place it carried not so much as anie apparance and yet they could meet with enow who would find meanes and that forsooth with good conscience to crosse it But yet now at length they came so farre as to affirme that prouided alwaies that they would get Reuenue and liue vpon it they were content to giue way and that the Busines might goe on For my part I was then so wearie to see all them who assisted vs in so great trouble which I regarded much more then mine owne that I grew to be of opinion that it would not be very ill done to accept their Licence vnder the condition of hauing Reuenue till the times might grow quieter by degrees and that so we might get to be without it afterward At other times I being very imperfect and wicked beganne to thinke that perhaps our Lord would not mislike that it should be so since we could not obtaine our end otherwise and therefore I was already growne to consent to this Accord But being in Prayer the night before the finall conclusion thereof when the Accord was euen already begunne our Lord commanded me that I should consent to no such thing as they intended and that if we beganne to take Reuenue they would neuer giue vs leaue to forgoe it and diuerse other things he also told me The self same night that holie Creature Fray Pedro de Alcantara appeared to me for then he was dead And before also he dyed he wrote to me and taking notice of the great opposition persecution which was raised against vs he sayd he was hartily glad that this Foundation was made with so great contradiction and how that serued him for a signe that our Lord would grow to be greatly serued in this Monasterie since the Diuel tooke such paines to hinder it But yet he perswaded vs still that we should by no meanes accept of liuing vpon Reuenue yea and he pressed this point in two or three seuerall parts of the same Letter and told me that if we persisted therein we should grow to effect the Busines according to our owne desire I had already seen him at two other seuerall times after his death and I beheld the much glorie wherein he was and he gaue me no apprehension of feare at all but rather ioyed me much for he neuer appeared to me but in the qualitie of a Glorifyed Bodie yea and full of excessiue glorie and so accordingly he gaue me great ioy to see him saue that he partly shewed himself with a kind of seueritie or rigour when he told me that in no case I should accept of Reuenue and why would I not follow his counsaile And so he instantly vanished and I remained amazed I went therefore the next day to that Caualier he being the person to whome we still carried all the busines as to one who assisted vs most therein and I told him what had passed and that he should by no meanes agree to take anie Reuenue but rather to let the Suite goe on Now he was euen much more earnestly of the same mind then I was my self and was very glad to find me of his and afterward told me also how vnwillingly he euer spoke about making anie agreement or composition But a certaine other person beganne againe ere long to declare himself against vs and truly she was a good Seruant of Almighty God but yet she wished though she might haue good intentions therein that since the busines was in so good state they might doe well to put it into the hands of Lawyers Vpon this I had a great deale of disquiet for some of them who assisted megrew also to be of that opinion though yet indeed it were a verie trick of the Diuel and perhaps it was a morsell of the hardest desgestion of all the rest But our Lord assisted me in all for that is the summe of the busines and it is no easie thing to giue all that to be well vnderstood which passed between the beginning and finishing of this Monasterie although this last half yeare and the other which was the first were the most troublesome parts of the whole time Yet now the Cittie being growne in some sort to be appeased that Father of S. Dominick's Order who was a Graduate in Theologie layd so handsomly about him though he were not present then that he assisted vs much Our Lord brought him also afterward in a certaine coniuncture of time when he did vs a great deale of good and it seemed that his Diuine Maiestie had induced him
the Rectour of the Societie of IESVS whome I mentioned before I haue seen some things concerning great Fauours which our Lord did him but I will not insert them heer for feare of being too long There hapned a great trouble to him once for he was persecuted and found himself greatly afflicted and I hearing Masse one day saw Christ our Lord vpon the Crosse iust then when the Preist eleuated the Sacred Hoast and he spoke certaine words to me wherewith I was to acquaint him for his comfort and others also he spoke by way of preuention of some future inconuenience which might ariue and he represented also to him how much himself had suffered for his sake and that therefore he should prepare himself to suffer And this gaue him both much comfort and much courage and all hapned to him iust so as our Blessed Lord had foretold Of the Religious of a certaine Order yea and of that whole Order togeather I haue seen great things For I haue seen them sometimes in Heauen with white Banners in their hands I haue seen as I was saying other things of great admiration And accordingly I haue this Order in much veneration for I haue treated and communicated with them much and I see that their life is agreable to that which our Blessed Lord hath giuen me to vnderstand concerning them I being one night in Prayer our Lord beganne to vtter some words to me which brought me to remember how wicked my life had been and they gaue me confusion and paine enough for although they imported not anie rigour yet they endued me with such a tender kind of feeling and greif that the Soule was euen dissolued by it And we vse in such cases to find more benefit in the way of knowing out selues by some one such word as these then we are able to acquire in manie dayes by our owne consideration of our miserie for it brings such a truth to be euē ingrauē in our Soule as we cannot possibly denye He represented to me also those inclinations of mine which I had formerly entertained towards Creatures with so much vanitie and told me that I was to put a great value vpon the desire which he had that I would lodge all my affectiō vpon him which formerly I had employed so ill since he would accept thereof At other times he bad me remember that formerly I had sometimes esteemed it for a point of honour in me to goe against his Honour And yet at other times that I should remember how much I owed him for that I vsed to commit the greatest offences against him whilst he vsed to be doing me Fauours If I haue anie faults which are not few our Lord giues them so to be vnderstood by me at those times that it makes me euen as it were annihilate my self and because I haue manie faults he vses me so manie times It hapned to me once that a Ghostile Father reprehended me and when I thought to comfort my self in Prayer it was there that I found indeed my true reprehension But now to returne to that which I was saying when our Lord beganne to bring my wicked life to my remembrance which cost me a world of teares and when I also considered that I had done no good thing lately which might euen in my opinion deserue his Fauour I beganne to consider a while whether he might not perhaps intend some new expression of goodnes to me because whensoeuer I find my self receaue anie particular Fauour from our Lord it is ordinarily after I haue euen defeated and annihilated my self And I conceaue that our Lord proceeds thus with me to the end that I may see the more clearly how farre I am out of the way of deserueing his Fauours Shortly after this my Spirit was so absorpt and snatcht away that in effect it seemed to be absolutly out of my Bodie at least it was not vnderstood that it liued in it And then I saw the most Sacred Humanitie of our Blessed Lord in much more excessiue glorie then euer I had discerned before Now this was represented to me by a certaine admirable and cleare notice of his being placed in the verie bosome of his Father Nor yet doe I know what to say of how this was for it seemed to me that I saw my self present before that verie Diuinitie and yet without seing my self and I remained so amazed and euerie way indeed in such sort that I thinke there passed some dayes before I was able to returne to my self For still I was conceauing that I had the Maiestie of the Sonne of God present with me though it were not yet like the former for this I vnderstood well enough But how soeuer it remained so engrauen in my Imagination that I cannot be ridd of it how short soeuer the time were wherein it was represented to me and this is matter both of great comfort and of great benefit to my Soule Now I haue seen this verie Vision at three other times and this in my opinion is absolutly the most sublime Vision which euer our Blessed Lord gaue me and it brings the greatest improuement and profit with it For it seemes that the Soule is greatly purifyed by it and that it doth vtterly take away all strength from the sensualitie of our Self-Loue It is a vehement flame which seems to burne vp and euen annihilate all the desires of this life And since God be blessed for it I had already no inclination to idle and impertinent things it was heer declared to me in distinct manner that all was vanitie and in particular how vaine all the Superiorities and Signories of this world be And it falls out also to be of mightie instruction for the raising-vp of our desires to be lodged vpon the puritie of Truth and there remaines a high kind of adoration and reuerence of God imprinted after a certaine manner which I know not how to describe but it is of a very different kind from whatsoeuer we can acquire in this world It creates also a huge amazement in the Soule to consider how she euer durst or how anie creature can presume so farre as to thinke of offending such a Supreame Maiestie of Almighty God I haue declared sometimes heertofore the effects of Visions and such other things but I haue also sayd already that a Soule receaues more or lesse profit according to the proportion and manner of the Vision as the same may be either more or lesse But in this it was extraordinarily great when I came to receaue the Blessed Sacrament and I did then record to my self that incomparable Maiestie which I had seen and vnderstood to be the verie same which is in this most Holie Sacrament And manie times our Lord is pleased to let me see him in the Sacred Hoast where vpon the verie haire of my head would stand on end and me thought I was euen annihilated outtight O my deare Lord and if thou didst
in this Diamond it being such as that all things are shut-vp in it because there is nothing which can get out of that greatnes it was a thing extreamly to amaze me to be able to see in so very short a time so manie things togeather in this bright Diamond And so was it also matter of extreame compassion and greif for me euerie time that I remember my self to haue seen that things so very vglie and fowle as my sinnes were should be representted and shewed in that so clearnes of light And the truth is that whensoeuer I remember it I know not how it comes to be possible for me to endure it and I did really then remaine so extreamly out of countenance and ashamed that me thinkes I could not tell where to hide my head O that some Creature or other were able to giue this Truth to be well vnderstood by these people who commit dishonest filthie sinnes that so they might come to know that they are not secret and that Almightie God hath reason to be very sensible of those wrongs since they are acted so truly in the presence of his Diuine Maiestie and that we carrie our selues with so base irreuerence before him I saw heer also how iustly Hell is deserued for anie one Mortall Sinne because it is past our power to vnderstand what a most greiuous crime it is to commit it in the presence of so great a Maiestie and what an vnspeakable distance and dissimilitude is found between that which he is and that which our Sinnes are and how it appeares euen heerby so much the better how great his mercie is since notwithstanding he knowes all this he yet endures vs. It hath also made me consider that if such a Vision as this can leaue the Soule so extreamly astonished and amazed what kind of thing will the Day of Iudgement proue to be when this Maiestie of Almightie God will shew it self with all clearnes and so we shall also clearly see what kind of things our sinnes were which we committed against him O my deare God! what blindnes is this which hath seazed me And I haue often been amazed euen whilst I haue been writing this and your Reuerence need be amazed at nothing but how I am able euen to liue whilst I am looking both vpon these things and my self But let him be eternally blessed who hath vouchsafed to endure such things at my hands Being once in Prayer in very great recollection and with much quietnes and sweetnes me thought I was all emcompassed with Angells and very neer to Almightie God and I beganne to be an humble Suiter to his Diuine Maiestie for the benefit and aduantage of his Church And he gaue me to vnderstand the much good which a certaine Order should doe the world in these latter times and the great courage wherewith the Members thereof should defend and vphold the Catholique Faith Being once in Prayer neer the Blessed Sacrament there appeared to me a certaine Saint whose Order was in some decay He had a great Booke in his hands which he opened and willed me to read certains Letters in it which were very legible and large and they sayd thus In future times this Order shall flourish and haue manie Martyrs Another time being at Matins in the Quire six or seauen persons were represented and set before me and I held them to be of the same Order and they had Swords in their hands And I conceaue that I was giuen thereby to vnderstand that they should defend the Faith For being in Prayer another time and rapt in Spirit me thought I was in a very spauous feild where manie were who fought and they of this Order did also fight with great feruour They had their faces beautifull and much inflamed and they beate multitudes of men downe to the ground and killed others This battaile seemed to be giuen against Heretiques I haue seen this Glorious Saint diuerse times and he hath told me some things and giuen me thankes for the Prayers which I make for his Order and he hath promised that he will recommend me to our Blessed Lord. I specifye not the seuerall Orders heer least some should be offended at it and if our Lord shall thinke it conuenient he may declare them But euerie Order should procure and so should euerie particular man of euerie Order that in so great a necessitie as that wherein the Church is at this time they might be able to serue her For happie are those liues which may come to loose themselues vpon this occasion A certaine person desired me once to beg of Almightie God that I might vnderstand whether or no it would be for the Seruice of his Diuine Maiestie that he should take a Bishoprick I did so and our Lord made me this answer after I had Communicated VVhen he shall vnderstand vvith all clearnes and truth that true Dominion consists in possessing nothing he may take it then Giuing thereby to vnderstand that whosoeuer is to be a Prelate must be very farre from so much as desiring it and yet further from procuring it These Fauours and manie other also haue been and are still very ordinarily shewed by our Blessed Lord to this sinnefull Woeman which me thinkes are not very necesarie to be related since by those which are deliuered already my Soule togeather with the Spirit which our Lord hath giuen me may be vnderstood But let him be euer blessed who hath had so much care of me He told me once by way of comforting me that I must not afflict my self and this he did with most tender loue for that in this life of ours we could not possibly be alwaies after the same manner but that sometimes I would be in feruour and sometimes without it Sometimes with vnquietnes and temptations and Sometimes without them and in peace but that I must hope in him and feare nothing Being one day in thought and doubt whether it were not a kind of being tyed to Creatures to be glad to be with such persons as with whome I treat the busines of my Soule and to loue both them and others also whome I find to be the Seruants of Almightie God and to receaue comfort by being with them he told me that if when a man is dangerously sick the presence of a Phisitian seemes euen to restore him to health it would not be a vertue to forbeare to be glad of him and to loue him And what sayd he wouldst thou haue done if it had not been for such as they That he disliked not that conuersation should be held with such as were good but that my words must euer be well considered and holie and that so it would be rather profitable to me then hurtfull not to giue-ouer communication with them Now this imparted a particular comfort to me for sometimes it would seem to be a hauing too great a tye vpon creatures which made me once incline to giue-ouer the custome
sometimes not so soone And since of late I am growne able to receaue the B. Sacrament more often it proceeds from this that these vomits come to me at night before I goe to bed and they put me to much more paine and then I must procure to hasten and facilitate them by the vse of feathers and such other things because if I haue not those vomits the sicknes vvhich I feele is extreame But indeed I am me thinkes almost neuer without manie kindes of paine and sometimes they are very sharp ones and especially at my verie hart though yet withall it be also true that the cruel Palsie and other infirmityes of Feauers which were wont to come very thick vpon me are now found to oppress me more seldome so that manie times I am well in those respects and I haue made so little account of these miseries for these eight yeares togeather that sometimes I am euen glad I haue them as conceauing that our Lord may be peraduenture serued in some sort thereby This was my discourse And now my Father belieued that this which I told him heer was indeed the true cause of my omission for himself neuer vsed to lye and considering in what sort and of what matter I was then discoursing to him he had no reason to thinke but that I sayd true and to the end that he might belieue me the better I told him also then that I well saw my self not to be without some fault and that I had enough to doe to be able to assist in the Quire though yet in verie deed euen this reason of corporall sicknes was no sufficient cause to make me giue anie good thing ouer for there is no need of corporall strength for such things as these but only of loue and custome since our Lord affords vs alwaies opportunitie if we will ourselues I say alwaies because though infirmities and other occasions my hinder one sometimes from spending manie howers in Solitude yet there will not want some other time wherein we may haue health enough for this busines yea and euen in other occasions as also in the midst of sicknes it self the truest Prayer may be made since it is the Soule which loues by offering vp that paine to Almightie God and in remembring for whome it is endured and in conforming ones self to God's holie will therein and in a thousand such other things as will occurr And thus may one exercise Loue for there is no necessitie at all for a person either to be in Solitude or els that there must be no Mentall Prayer at all If we will take a little care we may arriue to obtaine great blessings at those times when our Lord euen takes time for Prayer from vs by meanes of our sicknesses and paine and my self had found this to be true as long as my Conscience was pure and good But my Father through the opinion which he held of me and the loue he bore me belieued all that I had sayd or rather he not only belieued but had also pittie of me though yet being then growne to find himself in so eminent and high a state of Spirituall Life he remained not with me very long And therefore hauing visited me he returned home as holding his stay there to be losse of time and I who was willing to spend it vpon other vanities was not troubled very much at his departure It was not only with him but with other persons also whome I procured that they should addict themselues to Mentall Prayer euen whilst I was walking on in those vanities for still as I found them apt to vse Vocall Prayer I told them how they should grow to haue the vse of Meditation and I did them good and gaue them Bookes for I had still a good desire that others should serue Almightie God euen from the verie first time that I vsed Mentall Prayer as I haue related heer It seemed to me that since now I serued not our Lord my self so well as I should yet I liked not that that light should be lost which his Diuine Maiestie had bestowed vpon me but that others might also serue him by my meanes And this I heer recount that so the great blindnes wherein I was may be the better seen which induced me to make me loose my self whilst yet I went procuring to doe good to others About this time my Father fell into the sicknes whereof he dyed shortly after But I went to attend and recouer him whilst my self was more sick in Soule then he was in Bodie through manie vanities of mine though yet not in such sort as that according to my vnderstanding I was in Mortall Sinne euen in all this worst wickedest time whereof I speake for certainly if I had conceaued otherwise I should by no meanes haue continued therin I endured some affliction and trouble in his sicknes and I thinke I also made him some part of poore amends for the paines which he had taken with me in mine for now being ill enough in my self I yet strained very hard to doe him seruice and besides I well considered that by the onlie losse of him all my comfort and regalo was to be lost for it all was shut vp in onlie him I animated my self also so much towards the not shewing him that I was in anie paine and in continuing so euen till he expired as if I had felt no trouble at all though yet it be very true that when I saw him come to be vpon the verie point to loose his life it seemed to me as if mine owne verie Soule had then been torne out of my Bodie for I loued him much It was a thing to make our Lord be highly praised to see the death which my Father dyed togeather with the desire which he also had to dye and the counsel which he gaue vs after he had receaued extreame Vnction and how he charged vs to recommend him to God and that we should begg mercie of him for his Soule and that we must serue him euer and consider that all this world must come to end With teares he also told vs how sad he was at the hart for not hauing serued his Diuine Maiestie better That he wished he were some Religious man I meane that he had been so and that of the most strict who were in the world And I hold it for very certaine that some fifteen dayes before our Lord gaue him to vnderstand that he was not to liue because before that verie time he did not thinke he was sick though yet he were so in good earnest But afterwards though he seemed to mend much in point of health and though the Doctours bad him belieue that there was no danger at all yet he made no account of that but only attēded to put his Soule in good order That sicknes of his beganne with a very grieuous paine round about his shoulders which neuer left him and sometimes it pressed him
so hard that his affliction was very great I told him once vpon this occasion that since he had been so deuoted to that Mysterie when our Lord carried his Crosse vpon his Back he might doe well to conceaue that his Diuine Maiestie had been pleased to giue him a feeling of some part of that which himself had vndergone with so much trouble and my Father was so comforted by this thought that I remember him not to haue euer complained more He remained three dayes with very little shew of vnderstanding but yet the day whereon he dyed our Lord restored it to him that so entirely as we were all euen amazed to see it and he continued in it saying the Creed and as soone as he had passed through the first part thereof he expired When he was dead he looked euen like an Angell and as such in manner of speach he euer seemed in my sight to be both in Soule and disposition or humour which he had extreamly good Nor doe I know why I haue spoken thus much of him vnlesse it be to confesse and accuse mine owne wickednes so much the more since vpon the sight of such a death and the knowledge of such a life I ought to haue amended and reformed mine if it had been but to grow the liker to such a Father His Confessarius who was a Dominican and a great learned man affirmed that he made no doubt but that my Father would goe streight to Heauen for he who had Confessed him diuers yeares spake much of the great puritie of his Conscience This Dominican Father being a very worthie man and a true seruant of God did me a great deale of good for I Confessed my self to him and he vndertooke the profit of my Soule with care and to make me well vnderstand the way of perdition wherein I was walking He caused me also to Communicate euerie fifteen dayes and beginning first to treate with him by little and little I spoke with him afterward at length about my Prayer and he told me that I must not faile to vse it and that it could not by anie meanes but doe me good I beganne therefore to vse it againe and from that time forward I neuer left it though yet I did not for the present giue-ouer the occasions of my imperfections I therefore in the meane time passed a most sad life for in Prayer I came to vnderstand my faults On the one side I was called by Almightie God and on the other I followed the world All those things which belonged to God gaue me great contentment but those things which were of the World tyed me vp in chaines and it seemes I had a minde to make these two contraryes friends which yet are so much in enmitie with one another namely a Spirituall life on the one side and sensuall pastimes contentments and delights on the other In my Prayer I endured much trouble because now my Spirit was growne to be no longer a Lord but a Slaue and therefore I was not able to shut my self vp in my hart which was the onlie way of proceeding I formerly had held in my vse of Prayer without shutting vp a thousand vanities togeather with my self I passed so manie yeares in this manner that now I am astonished to consider that anie person should be able to endure the not leauing either the one or the other in so long a time I well know that now it was no longer in my hand to giue ouer Mentall Prayer for he held me now in his who resolued to doe me greater fauours O that I could declare the occasions of doing ill which God remoued from me in those yeares and how I put my self againe into them and of the danger wherein I was to loose all the opinion and reputation which I had in the world from which he freed me and of the hast which I made to discouer by my actions what kinde of Creature I was and the hast which our Lord made also to couer these faults and to discouer some little vertue of mine if there were anie and to make the same seem great in the eyes of all men in such sort as that they euer held me in much account For though sometimes my vanities would shine through my actions yet they seeing other things in me which appeared good would not belieue the ill But the true cause heerof was that the knower of all things saw that this was fitt to be so ordained to the end that when afterward I should come to perswade the world to doe him seruice they might giue me some little credit therin And that Soueraigne Bountie of God did not so much consider my great sinnes as it did those desires which I had sometimes to serue him and the great trouble I felt in my self for wanting power and strength to put the same in execution But O thou Lord of my Soule and how shall I euer be able to expresse with fulnes and clearnes enough the fauours which thou shewedst me in those yeares and how in that verie time when I was offending thee most thou madest such hast to dispose my Soule to a most profound remorse and sorrow that so I might come to tast of thy regalo's and great fauours againe The truth is O my King that thou didst vse the most curious and choice kinde of sharp punishment which could possibly to my thinking be found for me as one who didst well vnderstand what was likelie to cost me the dearest of all other things for thou didst punish those sinnes of mine with great regalo's And I thinke it is no impertinencie which I vtter though yet it were a kind of reason that I should now euen as it were loose my witts whilst I renew the memorie of my ingratitude and malice towards thee But really it vvas so much a more painefull and insupportable kinde of thing for me to receaue such fauours vpon the verie neck of my hauing falne into so great offences then it would haue been to endure grieuous punishments that some one of those sayd fauours so receaued seemes clearly and very certainly to haue euen ouer-wrought and defeated and confounded me more then all my infirmities and torments and other afflictions put togeather vvere euer able to doe For as for these latter afflictions I found that I deserued them vvell and I thought they might goe in part by vvay of satisfaction for my sinnes though yet euen in that kinde of account I know that my sufferances vvere few for my offences vvhich vvere so manie and so very great But now to see my self receauing so freshly so high fauours vvhilst yet the vvhile I made so ill retribution for those vvhich I had receaued before is in my account a kinde of most terrible torment and I thinke it vvill be esteemed so by all such as haue anie knowledge or loue of God and vve may easily finde this to be true euen by the naturall condition of persons