being long vexed with the spirit of iealousie came suddenly into his house and found a man whom he suspected somewhat too busie with his wife to whom hee said Now good fellow I thanke thee for thou â—â—â— me of a strange hellish torment my suspâ—â—ion is cleared and apparant knowledge hath giuen mee such ease of heart that I will be iealous no more 32 A Skilfull Painter was requested to paint out a faire Courtezan in plaine English a Whore I pray you spare that cost said the Painter for if shee be a right whore the daily paints her selfe 33 SEigneur Valdrino pay-master to the Campe of Alphonsus King of Aragon a man exquisite in Courtship and complement as two or three were at strife laying wagers what Countryman he was a blunt bold Captaine asked what was the matter why Captaine said one we are laying a wager what Countriman my Lord Treasurer Valdrino is Oh said the Captaine I can tell you that I am sure he was borne in the land of Promise for I haue serued the King in his wars these seuen yeeres without pay and euer when I petition to my Lord he payes me with no coyne but promises which makes me halfe assured that hee is that Countryman 34 A Nobleman of France as hee was riding met with a yeoman of the Country to whom he said My friend I should know thee I doe remember I haue often seene thee My good Lord said the Countriman I am one of your Honors poore tenants and my name is T.I. I remember thee better now said my Lord there were two brothers of you but one is dead I pray which of you doth remaine aliue 35 THe aforesaid Noble man hauing had a Harper that was blinde playing to him after supper somewhat late at last hee arose and commanded one of his seruants to light the Harper downe the staires to whom the Seruing-man sayd my Lord the Harper is blind thou ignorant knaue quoth my Lord he hath the more need of light 36 A Young fellow wisht himselfe the richest Cuckold in England to whom his mother said very angerly you foolish couetous boy why dost thou desire such a wish hath not thine owne Father enough in store for thee 37 A Whore Rampant made her husband a Cuckold Dormant with a front Cressant surprized by the watch Guardant brought to the Iustice Passant with her play-fellow Pendant after a coursie Couchant the Iustice told her that her offence was haynous in breaking the bonds of matrimony in that adulterate manner and that she should consider that her husband was her Head Good sir quoth shee I did euer acknowledge him so and I hope it is no such great fault in me for I was but trimming dressing or ad-horning my Head 38 A Man being very sickly one said to his wife I maruell your husband doth not weare a night-cap Truly quoth shee within this six monthes that my husband hath bin sicke although his legges be shrunke yet hee hath outgrowne all his night-caps 39 A Boy whose mother was noted to be one not ouerloden with honesty went to seeke his Godfather and enquiring for him quoth one to him Who is thy Godfather the boy repli'd his name is goodman Digland the Gardiner Oh said the man if he be thy Godfather he is at the next Alehouse but I feare thou takest Gods name in vaine 40 A Scholler riding from Cambridge towards London his horse being tyred a lazie disease often befalling such hacknies met a Poste on the way who notwithstanding he did what he could to make his horse giue him place by spurre switch and bridle yet the Poste was faine to giue him the way to whom in anger he said Thou paltry fellow dost thou not see I am a Poste The Scholler straight replyed And thou ignorant fellow dost thou not see that I ride vpon a Poste 41 A Fellow hauing more drinke then wit in â—â—â— winter euening made a foolish vowe â—â—â— take the wall of as many as hee met betwixâ—â—â— the Temple-bar and Charing-crosse and coâ—â—â— ming neere the Sauâ—y where stood a Poste aliâ—â— tle distance from the wall the drunkard tookâ— it for a man andâ— would haue the wall beâ—â—â— ginning to quarrell and giue the Poste fouâ— words at which a man came by and askedâ— the matter and whom he spake to he answered hee would haue the wall of that fellowâ—â—â— that stood so stifly there my friend said the other that is a Poste you must giue him thâ— way Is it so said the fellow a pox vpon him why did he not blow his horne 42 A Saylor being on a tyred horse riding from Dâ—uer to London his company prayd him to ride faster to whom he answered I can comâ—â— no faster doe you not see that I am be calm'd 43 TWo Gentlemen were iesting and one oâ— them cast away the others hat but the other catcht his hat off and put it on his owne head now fie fie quoth the other thou spoyâ—â—â— lest my hat wherewith said the other Marry said hee that was bareheaded theâ— spoyleâ—â— my hat with putting a Calues head into it 44 The figure Conuersion IF a Vintner doth draw me good wine vponâ— money or credit then hee is fitter to draw â—â—â— hang but if he draw me bad wine for good â—â—â— money then hee is much fitter to hang then â—â— draw 45 A Man hauing beene with a Doctor of Physicke to haue his aduise about some griefe he had when he came home his wife asked him what newes Marry said he my Physitian doth counsell me to drinke Asses milke euery morning fasting Why husband quoth the Woman I pray you tell me doth Master Doctor giue sucke 46 â—â—â—â—â— and valiant Captaine whom I could â—â—â—â—â—â— had a scarfe giuen him here in England and he sayling ouer into the Low-Counâ—â—â— an old Romane Catholike Lady of his acquaintance was very importunate to beg â—â—â— scarfe of him the Captaine asked her what â—â—â— would doe with it and said it was not â—â—â— for her wearing Shee answered him that â—â—â— would giue it her that Iesus Christ should â—â—â— it in the Church vpon holy daies meaning the Image Madam said the Captaine â—â—â— you will bring me word that euer his father â—â—â— such a scarfe then I will giue you this for him 47 BEtweene the houres of twelue and one at noone one asked mee what it was a clock â—nswered him it was little or nothing Hee demaunded of me what I meant by my answer I reply'd that it being not one of the â—â—â— it was to bee reckned or counted for â—â—ought for that which is lesser then one is â—â—â— or nothing 48 A Gentlewoman cheapned a Close-stoole in Paâ—ls Church-yard and the shop-keeper â—â—â— aske her too much money for it as shee thought Why mistris said hee I pray you â—â—â—der what a good locke and key it hath hee replyed that shee had small vse for either â—â—â— locke or key for shee purposed to put nothing into it but what
more willing and those who are slacke or backward will in some reasonable manner draw forward And there is the mouth of an vncharitable obiection which I must needs stop which is an old one and onely spoken by old men for say they we are aged and stricken in yeeres and if wee should lay out our moneies or be at charges for the Riuer by the course of Nature wee shall not liue to enioy any profit to requite our costs this excuse is worse then Heathenish and therefore it ill becomes a Christian for as I wrote before man was not created or had either the goods of minde body or Fortune bestowed on him by his Maker but that hee should haue the least part of them himselfe his God Prince and Countrey claiming as their due almost all which euery man hath The oldest man will purchase land which is subiect to barrennesse and many inconueniences he will buy and build houses which are in danger of fire and diuers other casualties he will aduenture vpon Wares or goods at high prices which to his losse may fall to low rates hee will bargaine for cattell and Sheepe who are incident to many diseases as the Rot the Murraine and diuers the like and all this will he doe in hope to raise his state and leaue his heires rich at his death perhaps when he can keepe his goods no longer when in spight of his heart he must leaue all hee will giue a few Gownes and a little money to Pious vses a Grosse or two of peâ—ny loaues and there 's an end of him so that there remaines no more memory of him But this good worke of your Riuer is not subiect to barrennesse or sterility but contrarily it will be a continuall haruest of plenty it is not in danger of being consumed or wasted but it is assured of a perpetuall encrease The names and memories of contributors towards it shall be conserued in venerable and laudable remembrance to the eternizing of their fames the honour of their posterities and the good example of succeeding times to imitate Therefore you men of Salisbury I â—â—â— treat you in this case to bee good to your selues Or else you may say hereafter If â—â—â— had beene Industrious wee had beene happy If â—â— had not beene couetous we had beene rich Now to returne to my trauels and entertainements As I passed vp the Riuer at the least 2000. Swans like so many Pilots swam in the deepest places before me and shewed me the way When I came to the Towne of Ringwood 14. miles short of Salisbury I there met with his Maiesties Trumpeters and there my fellowes Mr. Thomas Vnder hill and Mr. Richard Stocke Mr. Thomas Ramsey M r. Râ—â—â— Lloyd with others which I name not did walke on the banke and gaue mee two excellent flowrishes with their Trumpets for the which I thanke them in print and by word of mouth At last I came to a Towne called Forthing Bridge where not many dayes before a grieuous mischance happened For two men being swimming or washing in the Riuer a Butcher passing ouer the bridge with a Mastiffe Dogge with him did cast a stone into the water and say A Ducke at which the Dogge leapd into the Riuer and seazed vpon one of the men and kild him and the Butcher leaping in after thinking to saue the man was also slaine by his owne Dogge the third man also hardly escaping but was likewise bitten by him From thence I passed further to a place called Hale where we were welcomed by the Right Worshipfull Sir Thomas Penrudduck Knight whom we carried there in our Boat and who I am assured will bee a forward and a liberall Benefactor towards cleering of the Riuer So passing on our course by the Villages of Bâ—rgâ—te Breamer Chartford Downton Stonely we came to Langfoord where we were well entertained by the Right Honourable the Lord Edward Gorge Lord Baron of Dundalk and Captain of his Ma ties strong and defencible Castle of Hurst in Hampshire to whom in loue duty we proffred the gift of our tattred windshaken and weatherbeaten Boate which after our being at Salisbury being but two miles from thence his Lordship accepted And though hee knew shee was almost vnseruiceable yet his Noble bounty was such that â—he rewarded vs with the price of a new Boat I had some conference with his Honour concerning the impediments and clensing of the Riuer and I know he is most forwardly and worthily affected towards it and no doubt if it be pursued that then he will doe that which shall become a Gentleman of his Honourable calling and Ranke So on the same Friday at night wee came to Salisbury where we brought our Boate thorow Fisherton Bridge on the West side of the City taking our lodging at the signe of the Kings head there with mine Host Richard Estman whose brother Thomas was one of the Watermen which came in the Boate thither from London on the morrow I with my company footed it two miles to Wilton where at the Right Honourable the Earle of Pembrokes my Lord Chamberlaines house I was most freely and beyond my worth and merit kindly welcomed by the Right Worshipfull Sir Thomas Morgan Knight with whom I dined and by whose command I was shewed all or the most part of the admirable contriued Roomes in that excellent and well built house which Roomes were all richly adorned with Costly and sumptuous hangings his Maiestie some few daies before hauing dined there with most magnificent Entertainement as did expresse the loue of so Noble a House-keeper for so Royall a Guest vpon the sight of which house with the Furniture I wrote these following verses If Wholsom Aire Earth woods pleasant Springs Are Elements whereby a house is grac'd If strong and stately built contentment brings Such is the house of Wilton and so plac'd There Nature Art Art Nature hath embrac'd Without within below aloft compleat Delight and state are there so enterlac'd With rich content which makes all good and great The Hangings there with Histories repleat Diuine profane and Morall pleasures giuing With worke so liuely exquisite and neat As if mans Art made mortall creatures liuing In briefe there all things are compos'd so well Beyond my pen to write or tongue to tell Then was I shewed a most faire and large Armory with all manner of prouision and Furniture for Pike Shot Bills Halberts Iauelins with other Weapons and munition which for goodnesse number and well-keeping is not second to any Noblemans in England Afterwards I went to the Stables and saw my Lords great Horses whom I saw such and so good that what my vntutour'd Pen cannot sufficiently commend I am forced with silence to ouerpasse But amongst the rest the pains and industry of an ancient Gentleman Mr. Adrian Gilbert must not bee forgotten for there hath hee much to my Lords cost and his owne paines vsed such a deale of intricate Setting Grafting Planting inoculating
Children so that the number of Water-men and those that liue and are maintained by them and by the onely labour of the Oare and the Scull betwixt the Bridge of Windsor and Grauesend cannot be fewer then forty thousand the cause of the greater halfe of which multitude hath beene the Players playing on the Banke-side for I haue knowne three Companies besides the Beare-bayting at once there to wit the Globe the Rose and the Swan And it is an infallible truth that had they neuer played there it had beene better for Water-men by the one halfe of their liuing for the Company is encreased more then halfe by their meanes of playing there in former times And now it hath pleased God in this peaceful time that there is no imploymeÌ„t at the sea as it hath beene accustomed so that all those great numbers of men remaines at home and the Players haue all except the Kings men left their vsuall residency on the Banke-side and doe play in Middlesex farre remote from the Thames so that euery day in the weeke they doe draw vnto them three or foure thousand people that were vsed to spend their monies by water to the reliefe of so many thousands of poore people which by Players former playing on the Banke-side are encreased so that oft-times a poore man that hath fiue or sixe children doth giue good attendance to his labour all day and at night perhaps athâ— not gotten a Groat to relieue himselfe his wife and family This was the effect and scope of our petition though here I haue declared it more at large to which his Maiesty graciously granted me aâ—reference to his commissioners for suites who then were the Right honourable Sir Iulius Caesar Sir Thomas Parray Knights the Right Worshipfull Sir Francis Bacon then the Kings Atturny generall Sir Henry Mountague his Maiesties Sergant at Law Sir Walter Cope Master George Caluert one of the Clarkes of his Maiesties priuy Counsell and Baron Southerton one of the Barons of the Kings Exchequer these Honorable and Worshipfull persons I did oft folicite by petitions by friends and by mine owne industrious importunity so that in the end when our cause was heard wee found them generally affected to the suit we prosecuted His Maiestes Players did exhibit a petition against vs in which they said that our suit was vnreasonable and that we might as iustly remoue the Exchange the walkes in Pauls or Moorefields to the Bank-side for our profits as to confine them but our extremities and cause being iudiciously pondered by the Honorable and Worshipfull Commissioners Sir Francis Bacon very worthily said that so farre forth as the Publike weale was to be regarded before pastimes or a seruiceable decaying multitude before a handful of particular men or profit before pleasure so far was our suite to be preferred before theirs Whereupon the Players did appeale to the Lord Chamberlaine which was then the Earle of Sommerset who stood well affected to vs hauing beene moued before in the businesse by Master Samuel Goldsmith an especiall friend of mine and a Gentleman that my selfe and all the rest of my poore company in generall are generally beholden and deepely ingaged vnto for of his owne free will to his cost and charge wee must with thankfulnesse acknowledge he hath beene and is continually our worthy friend Who seeing the wants of such numbers of vs â—â—hath often neglected his owne vrgent and profitable affaires spending his time and coynâ—â— any honest occasion that might profit vs. Thâ—s much I thought good to insert in the â—ay of thankfulnesse because of all vices ingratitude is most hatefull The Commissioners did appoint mee to â—â—me on the next day that they sate again and that then the Players and wee should know their determinations concerning our businesses but before the day came Sir Walter Cipe died and Sir Iulius Caesar being chiefe Commissioner was made master of the Rolls by which means the Commission was dissol'd and we neuer yet had further hearing Thus fâ—â—re did I proceed in this thanklesse suite and because it was not effected some of my comâ—â—â—y partly through malice or ignorance or â—oth haue reported that I tooke bribes of the Players to let the suit fall and that to that purpose I had a supper with them at the Cardinalls Hat on the Banke-side and that if I â—â—d dealt wel with my Company and done as I might haue done then all had beene as they would haue had it These and more the like such pritty aspersions the out-cast rubbish of my Company hath very liberally vnmannerly and ingratefully bestowed vpon mee whereby my credit â—â—â— been blemished the good opinion which many held of me lost my name abused and I â— common reproach a scorne bye-word and bayting-stocke to the poysonous teeth of enâ—â—â—y and slander But I doubt not but what is before said will satisfie any well disposed or honest mind and for the rest if there bee any such as I found them ignorant knaues so I leaue them vnthankfull villanes And I will regard such Vipers and their slander so little that their malice shall not make mee giue ouer to doe seruice to my Company by any honest lawfull meanes my Trade vnder God is my best friend and though it bee poore I am sure the calling is honest therefore I will be an assistant in this suite or any other that may be auaileable vnto it and howsoeuer we are slightly esteem'd by some Giddy-headed Corkbrains or Mushrom Painted Puckfoysts yet the estate of this Kingdome knowes that many of the meanest Scullers that Rowes on the Thames was is or shall be if occasion serue at command to doe their Prince and Country more seruice then any of the Players shall be ioyned vnto I must confesse that there are many rude vnciuill Fellowes in our company and I would some Doctor would purge the Thames of them the reason whereof is that all men being Vicious by consequence most Vice must be in the greatest Companies but Water-men are the greatest Company therefore most abuses must raigne amongst Water-men yet not to excuse them in any degree let a man but consider other trades and faculties of of higher account and I am sure they will come short in honesty perhaps not of Watermen but of the honest Vocation of a Waterman For if hee vse his labour no otherwise then he ought which is to carry the Kings Leidge people carefully and to land them safely to take his due thankfully without murmuring or doing iniury then I say that that Waterman may feed vpon the labours of his hands with a better Conscience and sleepe with a quieter spirit then many of our furre-gownd mony-mongers that are accounted good common-wealths men but if a rayling knaue doe chance to abuse his Fare either in words or deeds as indeed wee haue too many such what reason is it that for the wrong that one two or more doth commit that all the rest of the whole Company shal
euen the very earth quakes and trembles the casements shatter tatter and clatter and such a confused noise is made as if all the diuels in hell were at Barly-breake so that a man can neither sleepe speake heare write or eate his dinner or supper quiet for them besides their tumbling din like a counterset thunder doth sowre Wine Ale and Beere most abominably to the impairing of their healths that drinke it and the making of many a Victualer and Tapster Trade-falne A Wheele-wright or a maker of Carts is an ancient a profitable and a Trade which by no meanes can be wanted yet so poore it is that scarce the best amongst them can hardly euer attaine to better then a Calues skin sute or a piece of necke beefe and Carret rootes to dinner on a Sunday nor scarcely any of them is euer mounted to any Office aboue the degree of a Scauenger or a Tything-man at the most On the contrary your Coach-makers trade is the most gainefullest about the Towne they are apparelled in Sattens and Veluets are Masters of their Parish Vestry-men who fare like the Emperors Heliogabalus or Sardanapulus seldome without their Mackroones Parmisants Iellyes and Kickshawes with baked Swannes Pasties hot or cold red Deere Pyes which they haue froÌ„ their Debtors worships in the Country neither are these Coaches onely thus cumbersome by their Rumbling and Rutting as they are by their standing still and damming vp the streetes and lanes as the Blacke Vriers and diuers other places can witnes and against Coach-makers doores the streets are so pestered and clogg'd with them that neither man horse or cart can passe for them in so much as my Lord Maior is highly to bee commended for his care in this restraint sending in February last many of them to the Counter for their carelesnesse herein They haue beene the vniuerfall decay of almost all the best Ash Trees in the Kingdome for a yong plant can no sooner peepe vp to any perfection but presently it is felled for the Coach Nor a yong Horse bred of any beauty or goodnes but he is ordaind from his foaling for the seruice of the Coach so that whereas in former ages both in peace and wars we might compare with any Nation in the world for the multitude and goodnes of our horses we now thinke of no other imployment for them theâ— to draw in a Coach and when they are either lamed by the negligence of the coachman oâ— worne out after many yeeres with trotting to Playes and Baywdy-houses then are they like old maimed Souldiers after their wounds and scarres preferr'd to Wood-mongers wheâ—â— they are well Billited or to Draymen wheâ— they turne Tapsters and draw Beere by whole Barrels and Hogsheads at once and theâ— they weare out the remainder of their daies till new harnis for others are made of their â—â—â— skinnes The last Proclamations concerning the retiring of the Gentry out of the City into theiâ— Countries although my selfe with many thousands more were much impouerished and hindered of our liuings by their departure yet â—â—â— the other side how it cleered the Streetes oâ—â— these way-stopping Whirligigges for a man now might walk without bidding Stand vp â—â—â— by a fellow that scarcely can either go or stanâ— himselfe Prince Nobility and Gentlemen oâ—â— worth Offices and Quality haue herein theâ—â— Priâ—iledge and are exempt may ride as theâ—â— occasions or pleasures shal inuite them as mosâ— meet they should but when euery Gâ—ll Tâ—â—â—â—â— tripe Mistris Fumkins Madame Polecat and my Lady Trash Froth the Tapster Bill the Taylor â—â— Lauender the Broker Whisse the Tobacco seller with their companion Trugs must be coach â—â—â— to Saint Albanes Burntwood Hockley in the Hole Craydon Windsor Vxbridge and many other places like wilde Haggards prancing vp and downe that what they get by cheating sweating lying at home they spend in riot whoring and drunkennes abroad I say by my hallidome it is a burning shame I did lately write a Pamphet called a Thiefe wherein did a little touch vpon this point that seeing the Heard of hyreling Coaches are more â—â—â— the Whirries on the Thames and that they make Leather so excessiue deare that it â—â—â— good the order in Bohemia were obserâ—ed heere which is that euery hyred Coach should bee drawne with ropes and that all their Harnesse should be Hemp and Cordage besides if the couer and boots of them were of good rosind or pitched canuas it would bring â—â—ne the price of leather and by that means â—hyred Coach would be knowne from a Princes a Noble mans Ladies or people of note account respect and quality And if it be but considred in the right Kue a Coach or Caroach are meere Engines of Pride which no man can deny to be one of the seuen deadly sinnes for two leash of Oyster-wiues hyred a Coach on a Thursday after Whitsontide to carry them to the Greene-Goose faire at Stratâ—ord the Bowe and as they were hurried betwixt Algate and Myle-end they were so be-madam'd be-mistrist and Ladified by the beggers that the foolish women began to swell with a proud supposition or Imaginary greatnes and gaue all their mony to the mendicanting Canters insomuch that they were faigne to pawne their gownes and smocks the next day to buy Oysters or else their pride had made them cry for want of what to cry withall Thus much I can speake by experience I doe partly know some of mine own qualities and I doe know that I doe hate pride as I hate famine or surfetting and moreouer I know my selfe to be at the best but Iohn Taylor and a mechanicall waterman yet it was but my chance once to bee brought from Whitchall to the Tower in my Master Sir William VVaades Coach before I had bin drawn twenty yardes such a Timpany of pride pust mee vp that I was ready to burst with the winde chollicke of vaine-glory In what state I would leane ouer the boote and looke and pry if I saw any of my acquaintance and then I would stand vp vailing my Bonnet kissing my right claw extending my armes as I had beene swimming with God saue your Lordship worship or How doest thou honest neighbour or good-fellow In a word the Coach made mee thinke my selfe better then my betters that went on foot and that I was but little inferiour to Tamberlaine being iolted thus in state by those pampred Iades of Belgia all men of indifferent iudgement will confesse that a Cart is an instrument conformable to law order and discipline for it rests on the Sabbath dayes and commonly all other Holy daies and if it should by any means breake or transgresse against any of these good Iniunctions there are Informers tâ—â— at lye in ambush like carefull Scowtes to informe against the poore Cart that in conclusion my Lady Pecunia must become surety and take vp the matter or else there will be more stirre about the flesh then the broth is worth wheras on the contrary a
Anothers Horses drawes it quite away One giues a Iarrs of Oyle to scape the soile An Oxe o'retures the Iarre and spils the Oyle And thus like Pharaohs kine he hath the power To make the fastest bribes the leane deuoure His motions moue commotions and his suites Foure times a yeare doe Termely yeeld him fruits Foure sundry wayes a Kingdomes Lawes are vs'd By tow maintained and by two abus'd Good Lawyers liue by Law and 't is most fit Good men obey the Law liue vnder it Bad Lawyers for their gaine doe wrest the Law Bad men of God or mans Law haue no awe But whether these men vse Law well or ill Th' intention of the Law is honest still For as the text is rent and torne and varied And by opinions from the sence is carried By ignorant and wilfull Hereticks Or impure separating Sehismaticks Though from the truth of text all men should seuer The text is permanent and Sacred euer Euen so the Law is in selfe vpright Correcting and protecting wrong and right T is no just Lawyers or the Lawes desame Although some hounds of hell abuse the same This Cormorant I meane gulps whom he list And hauing swallow'd fees into his fist Deferres the motion till the Court with drawes Then to the cushions pleads the poore mans cause As formally as if the Iudge fate No matter for the man the money 's gat My Cormorant was neuer match'd till now If I said o'rematch'd I le resolue you how And you that reade it shall confesse it true Perhaps it is a thing well knowne to you Where Corâ—â—ants haunts numbers of fish grow lesse But where bad Lawyers come there brawles increase Now master Vndershrieue I vnderstand You bring my Lawyer worke vnto his hand You bring him stuffe hee like a Taylor cuts it And into any shape hee pleaseth puts it Though to the Client it appeare slight stuffe It shall out-last him any suite of Buffe For though from terme to terme it be worne long T is drest still with the teazle of the tongue That though it be old at euery day of heating It lookes fresh as 't had neuer come to wearing And though it seeme as th' owner neuer wore it A Broaker will not giue him three pence for it Sweet master Shrieue let it not grieue your mind You being the last o' th brood come last behind No doubt you might be first in a bad case But being call'd vnder I make this your place I know where e're you stand you are so good You 'l scorne to be vnlike one of the brood And tak 't in dudgeon as you might no doubt If mongst this ranke of Corm'rantsâ— you were out I haue a warrant heere for what I doe Plaine truth it selfe and that haue seldome yoe Some of your tribe a man may honest call But those my Corm'rant meddles not withall You that dare fright men of a shallow wit Who cannot read when there is nothing writ And can returne when you are pleas'd to saue A Non inuentus for a bribing knaue For one that stands indebted to the King A Nihil habet if his purse can ring When a poore man shall haue his Bullockes ceaz'd And priz'd at little to make you appeaz'd You haue the art and skill to raze words out Of Writs and Warrants to bring gaine about I will not serue you so for if you looke Your name stands fairely printed in my booke For every one to reade how you can straine On Widowes goods and restore none againe Picke Iuries for your purose which is worse Then if you pick'd the wronged Plaintiffes purse Returne your Writs to your aduantage best Bring in some money and drab out the rest Leauing oft times the high Shrieue in the lurch Who stops the bountie should repaire the Church Or buy some Bels to sound out his deuotion If either Ayre or Earth or the wide Ocean Can shew worse Cormorants or any brooke I 'le neuer aske a penny for my Booke EPILOGVE Now Reader tell me if thou well canst iudge If any honest man haue cause to grudge At these my Stayres being plaine and true Giuing the world and the Diuell their due I haue but bluntly call'd a spade a spade And hee that wincheth shewes himselfe a â—ade Be quiet see thy faults and learnet ' amend Thou shewest thy guiltinesse if thou contend FINIS TAYLORS WATER-WORKE OR THE SCVLLERS TRAVELS FROM TYBER TO THAMES WITH his Boat laden with a Hotch-potch or Gallimawfrey of Sonnets Satyres and Epigrams With an Inkhorne Disputation betwixt a Lawyer and a Poet and a Quarterne of new-catcht Epigrams caught the last Fishingâ—â—â— together with an addition of Pâ—storâ—â—â— Equiâ—â—â— or the complaint of a Shepheard â—… DEDICATED To neither Monarch nor Miser Keaser nor Caitiffe Pallatine or Plebeian but to great Mounsier Multitude ahas All or euery One IOHN TAYLOR sends his Scull-boats lading to be câ—nsured as please their Wisedomes to screw their Lunatike opinions MOst Mighty Catholike or Vmuer sall Mounsier Multitude whose many millions of Hvâ—raes heads Arâ—â—-eâ—es and â—â—â— hands â—â— if you pleaseâ— to iudge of my Water-Muses â—â—â—â—â— to looke with hundreds of â—â—â—â—â—â—â—â—â— of my Sculler or to lend a few of your many hands to helpe to tugge me a shore at the Hauen of your goodwâ—ls which if you doe it is more then my â—â—â—â—â—â—â—â—â—â—â—â—â— expcet or merit But if you will not assâ—st me I will â—â—â—â— the next high tide and scramble vp intoâ— though â—he fast a ground for my labour â—e grable for Gudgeons or fish for Flounders in the Rereward of our eâ—â—â— temporizing â—â—umorists sharpe Satyrists or â—â—â— call â—â—â— I could wish my lines might please like Cheese to a Wâ—lchman Rutter to a Flemine Vsâ—â—â—baugh to an Irishman or Honey to a Beare To conclude I wish best to the Protestâ—â—t I â—â—â— the â—â—â— praying for the perseuerance of the one and a Reâ—ormation of the other Meane â—â—â— my â—â—â— like a Barbers shop is readie for all commers bee they of what Religion they well paying their Farewell Yours ten thousand wayes IOHN TAYLOR To the Right Worshipfull and my euer respected Mr. IOHN MORAY Esqire OF all the wonders this vile world includes I muse how sâ—atterie such high fauours gaine How adulation cunningly deludes Both high and low from Scepâ—er to the swaine But it thou by Sâ—â—tterie couldst obtaine More then the most that is possest by men Thou canst not tune thy tongue to falshoods straine Yet with the best canst vse both tongae and pen. Thy sacred learning can both scan and kâ—n The hidden things of Nature and of Art 'T is thouh all â—â—'d me from obliuions den And made my Muse from oblcure sleepe to start Vnto thy wisdomes censure I commit This first bâ—rne issue of my worthlesse wit I.T. To my deâ—re respected friend Maister Beniamin Iehuson THou canst not â—â—â— for though the strâ—â—â— of death Depriâ—â—â— the World of thyworst â—â—â—thly part Yet when the corps hath banished thy
his honest blocke should fit his head And through he be not skill'd in Magick Art Yet to a Coach he turn'd his Fathers Cart Foure Teames of Horses to foure Flanders Mares With which to London he in pomp repaires Woo's a she Gallant and to Wife he takes her Then buyes a kinghthood and a maddam makes her And yearly they vpon their backes are weare That which oft fed fiue hundred with good cheere Whil'st in the Country all good bounty 's spilt His house as if a Iugler it had built For all the Chimneyes where great fires were made The smoake at one hole onely is conuey'd No times obseru'd nor charitable Lawes The poore receiue their answer from the Dawes Who in their caying language call it plaine Mockbegger Manour for they came in vaine They that dewoure what Charitie should giue Are both at London there the Cormorants liue But so transform'd of late doe what you oan You 'l hardly know the woman from the man There Sir Tim Twirlepipe and his lady gay Doe pordigally spend the time away Being both exceeding proud and scornefull too And any thing but what is good they 'l do For Incubus and Succubus haue got A crew of fiends which the old world knew not That if our Grand-fathers and Grand-dams should Rise from the dead and these mad times behold Amazed they halfe madly would admire At our fantasticke gestures and attire And they would thinke that England in conclusion Were a meere bable Babell of confusion That Muldâ— sack for his most vnfashion'd fashions Is the fit patterne of their transformations And Mary Frith doth teach them modesty For she doth keepe one fashion constantly And therefore she deserues a Matronâ— praise In these inconstant Moone-like changing dayes A witlesse Asse to please his wiues desire Payes for the sewell for her pride 's hot fire And he and she will wast consume and spoyle To feed the stinking lamp of pride with oyle When with a sword he gat a knightly name With the same blow his Lady was strucke lame For if you marke it she no ground doth tread Since the blow fell except that she be led And Charity is since that time some say In a Carts younger brother borne away These are the Cormorants that haue the power To swallow a Realme and last themselues deuoare And let their gaudy friends thinke what they will My Cormorant shall be their better still An Extortioner and a Broaker THE ARGVMENT Friends to but few and to their owne soules worst With Aspish poyson poysoning men at first Who laughing languish neuer thinke on death Vntill these Wolues with biting stop their breathyâ— The diued and they at no time can be sunder'd And all their trade is forty in the hundred ROome for two hounds well coupl'd 't is piâ—â—y To part them they do keep such raâ—ck â—'th citâ—â— Th' Extortioner is such a fiend that he Doth make the Vsuâ—er a Saint to be One for a hundreds vse doth take but ten Th' other for ten a hundred takes agen The one mongst Christians is well tollerated Tother's of heauen and earth aâ—â—ort'd and heated The one doth often helpe a man distrest The other addes oppression to th' opprest By paying vse a man may thriue and get But by extortion neuer none could yet Though vsury be bad 't is vnderstood Compared with extortion it seemses good One by retaile and th' other by the great Lagrâ—se the prosiâ—s of the whole worlds sweat That man is happy that hath meat and cloth And stands in need of neither of them both Extortioners are Monsters in ail Nations All their Conditions turne to obligations Waxe is their shot and writing pens their Guns Their powder is the Inke that from them runs And this dank powder hath blowne vp more men In one yeare then gun powder hath in ten Bils are their weapons parchments are their shields With w eh they win whole Lordships towns fields And for they know in heauen they ne're shall dwell They ingâ—ose the earth before they come to hell Yet all their liues here they with cares are vext Slaues in this world and Hell-hounds in the next And what they o're the diuels backe did win Their heyrres beneath his belly wast in sinne The Broaker is the better senting Hound He hunts and scouts till he his prey hath found The gallant which I mention'd late before Turning old Hospitality out of doore And hauing swallowed Tenants and their crops Comming to towne he crams Extortions chopsâ— Craft there may here againe be set to Schoole A Country Knaue oft prooues a City Foole. He that a Dogs part playes when he is there A Wolfe deuoures him when he comes vp here The silly swaine the racking Landlord worries But swaine and Landlord both extortion curries First thing is done the Broaker smels him forth Hants all his haunts enquires into his worth Senâ—s out his present wants and then applies Râ—nk payson to his wounds for remedies Instead of licking hee 's a biting whelpe And rancles most when he most seemes to helpe And he hunts dry foot neuer spends his throat Till he has caught his game and then his note Lult him asleepe fast in Extortions bands There leaues him takes his fee o' th goods and lands And as he is the Common-wealths deceiuer So for the most part hee 's the theeues receiuer Hangs vp the hangmans wardrop at his doore Which by the hang-man hath beene hang'd before A sâ—sh-wife with a pawne doth money secke Heâ— two pence takes for twelue pence eâ—â—â—â— weeke Which makes me aske my selfe a question And to my selfe I answer make againe Was Henâ—dâ—dâ—ch â—â—â—â—tch â—â—â— Before the Bâ—oskers in â—â—â— street 〈…〉 No sure it was not it hath got that name From them and â—â—â—â— that câ—me they thither came And well it now may called be Hâ—â—dsâ—itch For there are Hâ—nâ—ds will gâ—ue a vengeance â—wich These are the Gulphes that swallow all by lending Like my old shooes quite paâ—â— all hope of â—pending I 'de throw my Cormoranâ—â— deid into the pooles If they cramm'd sish so faâ—â— as these eate fooles A Basket-Iustice THE ARGVMENT The best of men when trâ—â—ly exercis'dâ— The actor may a Saint be conoâ—â—â—'d No Policy but practise Iustice â—raâ—es Those whom brâ—bes â—â— haâ—e â—â—â—â— names Of what they should be thus the Laâ—â—du When judgements just flow from the Iudges brest BEfore the noyse of these two Hounds did ceasa A Iustice comming by commanded peace Peace Curres q â— he and learne to take your prey And not a word so wise folkes goe your way This is youth that sued his p'acâ— to haue Bought his authority to play the knaue And as for coine he did his place obtaine So hee 'l sell iustie to mak 't vpagaine For the old prouerbe â—its his humor well That he that dearely buyes must dearely sell. The sword of Iustice draw he stoutly can To guard a knaue and grieue an honest man His clarke's the Beethat fils his
combe with honey He hath the wit his master hath the money Such Iusticer as this if men doe marke It altogether guided by his Clarke He 's the vice Iustice he workes all by 's wits The whil'st his master pickes his teeth or spits Walks hums and nods cals knaue at euery turne As if he in a dawes nest had beene borne No other language from his worship â—ees But prisons Warrants Mittimus and â—ees Commit before he search out the oftenâ—s And heare the matter after two dayes hence Talkes of Recognizances and hath scope To binde and loose as if he were the Pope Be the ease ne're so good yet build vpon 't Fees must be payd for that 's the humor on'r And thus with onely cursed wealth and beard He makes a world of witlesse fooles afeard And when he giues them but a smile or nod They thinke this doughty else a demy-god When fortune fals he knowes to vse the same His Clarke and he as quiet as a Lambe Make not two words but share go through stich Here 's mine there 's thine for they know which is which There hath beene are and will be still agen In all professions some corrupted men Before this branch of false Gebezaes Tribe 'T is sacriledge to call a bribe a bribe Giue him a Bucke a Pig a Goose or Phesant For manners sake it must be call'd a present And when hee 's blind in Iustice 't is a doubt But Turkies tallons scratcht his eyes halfe out Or Capons clawes but 't is a heauy case That fowles should flye so in a Iustice face Sometimes his eyes are goard with an Oxehorne Or suddaine dasht out with a sacke of corne Or the whiske burshing of a Coachmares taile To fit the Coach but all these thoughts may faile Some thinke they are but clouded and will shine Eclips'd a little with a Teirce of Wine Or onely falne into some hood wink'd nap As some men may vpon the Bench by hap But Iustice seemes dease when some tales are told Perhaps his Charity hath tane some cold And that may be the cause or rattling Coaching Or neighing of horses to her gate approaching From thence into the stable as her owne The certaine truth thereof is not yet knowne But sure she is so dease that she can heare Nothing but what her Clarke blowes in her care Which Clark good men must oroach to stand bare Or else small Iustice 'mongst them they shall share His Master like a weather-cocke inclinde As he doth please he makes him turne and winde This Iustice of all sences is bereft Except his feeling onely feelings left With which he swallowes with infariate power More bribes then doth my Cormorant fish deuoure A Cutpurse THE ARGVMENT This is a mad knaue liues by trickes and sleights He diues by Laâ—d and dies within the ayre He serues noman yet courteously he waites On whom he lift in Church towne throng or faire He will not worke yet is well cleath'd and fed And for his farewell seldoms dies in 's bed THis Spirit or this Ferrit next that enters Although he be no Merchant much he ventures And though he be a noted coward yet Most valiantly he doth his liuing get He hath no weapon but a curtoll knife Wherewith for what he hath he hazards life East Indian Merchants crosse the raging floods And in their ventering venter but their goods When as themselues at hope securely sleepe And neuer plow the dangerous Ocean deepe If they doe lose by pirates tempests tocks 'T is but a Fleabite to their wealthy stockes Whilst the poore Cutpurse days and night doth â—oile Watches and wardes and doth himselfe turmoileâ— Oft cuts a purse before the Sessions barre Whilst others for their liues a pleading are To Sturbridge Faire or vnto Bristoll ambles In ieopardie he for his liuing rambles And what he gets he doth not beg or borrow Ventures his necke and there 's an end hang sorrow Whilst midst his perils he doth drinke and sing And hath more purse-bearers then any King Liues like a Gentleman by sleight of hand Can play the Foist the Nip the Stale the Stand The Snap the Curb the Crosbue Warpe and Lifâ— Decor prig Cheat all for a hanging shift Still valiant where he comes and free from care And dares the stockes the whip the Iaile out-dare Speakâ—the braue â—â—â— with his del Or paâ— or â—â—â—â—â—â—â—â—â—â—â—â—â—â—â—â—â— And liues as merry as the day is long In scorne of Tyburne or the ropes dingdong But now a iest or two to minde I call Which to this function lately did befall A Cutpurse standing in a market-towne As for his prey his eyes seowld vp and downe At last he should â—r â— neare a Country Lasse And out her purse as by her he did passe Shee spide and caught him and began to raue Call'd him rogue rascall villkeyne thiefe and slaue Gep with a pox the Cutpurse then replide Are you so fine you can no iâ—sting bide I 'ue iested more with forty honest men So with a moraine take your purse agen Another sattin Cutpurse dawbd with lace A Country Gentlemen for 's purse did chase On whom a blew-coat Seruing man did wait And passing through a narrow obscure strait The thieuing knaue the purse he nimbly nims And like aland-sharke thence by Land he swims The Seruing man perceiu'd the Cutpurse tricke Said nought but dogges him through thin and thick Vntill the thiese suppos'd the coast was cleare As he was pissing Blew coat out offs care The Cutpurse madly gins to sweare and curse The other said giue me my masters purse Which you stole lately from his pocket then There 's no wrong done but here 's your eareâ—gen Thus though a Cutpurse trade be counted ill â—â—he is a mâ—n of action still Waiâ—es on Ambassadors that comes and goes Attends at Tiltings and tryumphant showes As Westminster he still attendance giues Oâ— my Lord Maior his brethren and thâ— Shrieues Although vnbidden yet hee 'l be a guest And haue his hand in sometimes with the best And whilst he liues note how he takes degree Newgate's his hall at Tyburne he 's made tree Where commonly it so falls out with him He dyes in perfect health found winde and limbe Hema Coaches elder brother rides And when his soule and cordes from each diuides He soules no sheets nor any Physicke takes â—â— like a Bird in th' ayre an end he makes And such an end I wish they all may haue And all that loue a shifting Cut purse knaue For they are Cormorants wherefoere they haunt Vntill the Gallowes proues their Cormorant A Good and a bad Constable THE ARGVMENT This man is to the Magistrate an eye Reuealing things which Iustice could not finde Blacke deeds of darkenesse he deth oft desery And is if he be honestly inclinde Sofâ—t the Common wealth in peace to keepe By watching carefully whil'st thousands sleepe VVHeÌ„ Titan steeps his bright respleÌ„dant beams And hides his burning Car i' th Westerne