friends to dinner and after dinner was done and the cloath taken vp one of the companie said vnto him We thanke you for all this good cheere to day many a San Benito I pray God may you see in your house He meant many a S. Bennets day OF MARCHANTS AND Misers TWo theeues came by night into a Marchantes house of Toledo and stole away a deske and a fetherbed The marchant hearing a noyse arose and went downe and finding they were but new gone followed theÌ„ to see what would become of his goods One of the theeues looking backe espy'd him said Why how now do you dog vs No answered the Marchant but onlie to see whether you remoue mee One ask'd a Marchant how he could sleep soundlie a nights owing so much as he did he answered Why man my Creditors doe sleepe A Marchant asked a wise man how he might preserue his wealth who answered Commit it not to Fortune Hernando de Pulgar vs'd to say that who so desires to be soon rich must haue two Muches and two Littles Much Auarice and Much Diligence Little Shame and Litle Conscience An Alderman lying on his death-bed certaine his prentises came to see him and besought him to leaue them some good aduise as a monument both of his great wisedome and good-will towards them Then he rear'd himself vp vpon his pillow and said Tast your pottage before you crumb in your bread and so died A Marchant had agreed with a Wood-monger for all his fagots at pence a peece one with another The Woodmonger after hauing thus bargained told him that vnlesse hee would giue him somwhat ouer aboue he would not vnload them Go too then said the marchant I am content thou shalt c. With that the Wood-monger vnloaded and when hee had done did also helpe to carrie them downe into the Celler in hope of c. Then the Marchant paid him for his faggots and he demanding his c. the Marchant adswered My meaning was that thou shouldst helpe to carrie the fâ—ggots downe into the Celler ouer and aboue thy bargaine So art thou payde thy c. A Marchant being ask'd with what maister hee meant to place his sonne to learne Arethmaticke he answered With the Hangman â—or that hee of all others is the brauest Accomptant viz. of mens deathes One said to his acquaintance I greatly marueill that you are no richer considering that on my certaine knowledge you may dispend eight Testers a day and you spend not passing two of them Th' other answered Two I pay two I lend two I spend and two I loose The two I pay are those I allowe my poor father and mother toward their maintenance the two I lend are those I allow for my sonnes education in the Vniuerâ—itie which I hope he will one day repay me againe if I so long liue as now I doe vnto my father The two I spend are vpon my selfe my wife and familie The two I loose are those my wife spends euery day in toyes and bables vpon her self which I neuer looke for more One that ought a marchant a great somme of money and his day of payment being neere at hand shifted away all his goods and fled the Countrey The wise marchant hearing therof was heartily glad and came to his wife and told her that in asmuch as his saide debtor was nowe runne away and had forfeyted his band he would before God take the benefite of the double A marchant that ought much and was not able to correspond fled the Countrey and for haste left much of his goods vndisposed of Which his creditors seazing vpon and selling at the street door to the most giuers one came bought a fetherbed and said It is good sleeping in his bed that ought so much money One passing by a miserly marchants new faire house saide to his companion Yonder faire house is built for welth not for Worship A Gentleman lent a marchant his horse who at his returne vaunted vnto him what a gallant horse it was and how by the way as he rid he out-gallop'd all the horses he ouertooke and had wonne with him halfe a dozen wagers so swift he pac'd it and so brauely he had put him to it The Gent. answered For such honour let my horse thanke you A miserly Marchant asking one whome he greatly disdayned how he came by so rich a widdow he answered Euen as a man may come by yours after you are dead A officious Welshman seeing a cripple Marchants widdow snayling ouer London bridge took pitie on her trembling gate and friendly offred her his helping hand all along And as they footed it together the old woman ask'd him by the way what countryman he was he answered A Welshman whereupon she straight desir'd him to shiâ—t on the other side of her which he did and so led her safe to her house at the bridge-foot At parting she hartilie thank'd him for such his good nature and pray'd God to blesse him and hee ask'd her what was the reason that vpoÌ„ his saying that he was a WelshmaÌ„ she straight desir'd him to shift on the other side of her shee answered Oh sonne my purse hung on that side An old Carmougion had worne a hat full fifteen yeares to an end and seeing it at last waxe red and rotten hee said See see the falshood of these Habberdashers howe sleight they make their wares A Noble-man sent a Gent. of his in great diligence about some especiall affaires and such was his diligence that he kill'd his Lords horse by the way Being returned home it pleas'd the Nobleman to make him pay fifty crowns for the horse saying that hee was content to reward him so well as to forgiue him the rest The Gentleman thought himselfe hardly dealt withall and answered Sir this is neither reward nor Almose Certain Seruing men complain'd to their niggardlie maister how that his Steward allow'd them but only Sallades and Cheese to their Suppers a nightes Whereupon the Gentleman call'd the Steward before him and in a great chafe saide vnto him Is it true N. that you giue my men sallades and Cheese to their suppers I charge you doe no more so but giue them their Sallades one night and their Cheese another and so in order A niggardlie Gentleman founde fault with a dish of vnsauorie Oliffes that was set before him and call'd it Cobblerie stuffe A Iester then to taxe his Miserlinesse sayd Belike sir they are fallen to that trade because they wil not be beholding to you A Miser said vnto his man Sirrha you had best bee gone least I giue you that you would not willinglie haue The seruing-man answered Sir I beleeue you not for you neuer giue A rich Churle was so miserlie minded that hee thought all mischiefes that befell any of his neighbours was in respect that they wisht him yl or went about to do him some despight It chaunced that his man riding in an euening to water
brabble with one an other th' one demaunding a certaine debt and th' other denying it Wherupon the demandant challenged his faithfull promise made him at such a time for the repay therof Which the other confessed but adjoyn'd withall that that faith full promise was but to amend his faith With that in steps mee a Spaniard an acquaintance of them both and said Being both one peece of cloth how can any amendment be perceiu'd A Iewish Christian being at a banquet in a wood among many Ladies and Gent. a Gammon of Bacon was seru'd to the boord and he to auoid suspition of Iudaisme tasted therof But when the banquet was done he sorted himselfe alone into the thickest of the wood behind a tree forc'd vp all the Bacon againe with a fether out of his stomacke Which being seene by one or two of the companie they all jested at him therfore and call'd him Iew Wherunto he answered No Iew Gentlewomen but thus Assoone as euer the Deuilles saw or smelt so good a relicke as Bacon within my body they straight flue out at my mouth in vomit One call'd a dissembling Iew Turn-coat Wherupon the Iew entred his actiō of slander against him hauing brought it to the issue the partie was cōdemn'd to confesse in open court the slander and withall to pay him a som of mony in consideration Then the partie thus in open Court retracted the slaunder saying I confesse that I haue highly injured maister N. in hauing call'd him Turne-coat for on my conscience I think he is still as errand a Iew as euer he was A Preacher in Spaine perswaded a Moore to Christianitie who seeming conceiptlesse of what was saide vnto him the Preacher said For ought I see my wordes enter in at one eare of you and goe out at the other The Moore answered They neither enter in nor yet goe out One in Queen Maries dayes that had formerly vnder King Henry gotten much by the fall of Abbayes went about to build a Chappell Whereupon a Gent. his Neighbour said that it was like as if one hauing first rauished the mother would afterward pay for the nursing of the child One vs'd to say that it is a merrie world when folk accompt it follie to build a Church One that was a Iewes sonne and passed for a Christian met a Gent. an aduersarie of his a horse-backe he himselfe being also a horse-backe and said vnto him How chanceth it maister N. you ride so weaponlesse to day the other answered Marie because I meane not to kill him vpon the Crosse. One hearing that a Iew had murthered his child said Better be a Iewes hogge by that accompt then his childe For Iewes eat no Hogs-flesh A zealous virgin-Iew in Rome was held in high reuerence among the Israelites there so verie vertuous shee seem'd and chaste in all her carriage But a Florentine found the way by night to her may den-bed and did his deed so throughlie that all her holinesse would no longer conceale it but still swell'd euery day more and more till being at last vtterly detected t' was ten to one that she was not reputed a baggage but in lieu of such infamie so erroneus was the reuerence the Iewes had of her virginity that they perswaded themselues she was verily with child of their Messias And in that errour their Rabins directed their letters and postes vpon posts to all the Iewish Synagogues throughout all Christendom and Greece for certain Elders of euery Synagogue to come vp to the natiuitie of that Babe which accordingly was done Insomuch as during that season Rome was a world of Iewes so confluently they repaired thether from all partes Now marke the end At nine monethes end this Virgin Iew was brought a bed of a Florentine daughter OF ATTIRES AN elder brother was commending his yoonger brothers green cloake and said it became him passing well Th' other answered But a black mourning cloake from you would become me better One wore his shooes garnish'd with cut and vncut fringe and one seeing it said vnto him Weare a maske before your face for shame that the world discouers your pimples One wore a strawe-hat in a strange place and the people flock'd about him all gazing at the noueltie At last a Church-man passed by and pittying to see a stranger so gar'd vpon asked him whether he had any acquaintance thereabout or no who answered Why aske you Marie to th' end quoth he if you haue any he may do well to come and defend you from these beastes least happily they eat vp all your straw and leaue you nere a whit for your supper One seeing a Gentlewoman attyr'd all in white sayd that she had laid her chastity a whiting One wore his cassack-sleeues close girt vnder his girdle one that sawe it said it was like a pinion'd Goose. A Spaniard hauing a Moore slaue let him goe a long time in a poor ragg'd mandilian without sleeues one asking him why he dealt so sleeuelesly with the poore wretch He answered I crop his wings for feare he flie away A Ladie of high calling disguizing her selfe with a vayle accompaned onely with her wayting Gentlewoman went to a Gold-smith to cheapen plate standing at the shop a Gallant chanced to come by who seeing her so and supposing her such a one as would easilie admit conference in loue and leuity began to common and complie with her in that kind But she gaue him a scornfull begone saying See heere vnder this vaile no common garment nor am I as I seeme The Gallant thereat all in a chafe answered Be what you be will and be so attyr'd then or els be as you are attyr'd A Gent. prepar'd himselfe toward a day of tilting and because money fail'd him to furnish him passing braue against the time he was faine to sell a very rich Mandilian that he had saying Whiles others Mandilian themselues toward Tilt I vnmandilian mee A Iester seeing a Gallant weare a little deminitiue bonnet vpon his head with a band to it all to beset with gold buttons sayd Foule befall the Smith that shod yonder Asse so close An vpstart Gallant was attyr'd in Taffeta all ouer figured with flames of fire which a Gent. seeing and knowing his base parentage said to thē in his company Behold yonder strawey Cottage goes in danger of fiering A faire Gentlewoman will'd her seruant on a day of tilting to attire himselfe all in greene which he did And comming into the Tylt-yard so attyr'd Gonzalo Fernandez the great Spanish Captaine knewe him and guessing at his Mistresse and at the cause of his Greene said vnto him If shee knowe you not by your habit giue it her in hand One that for the space of many yeeres together was neuer seene on the holy-dayes other then in one cloake a Gent. thus bejested him saying Nere a holy day but I see clokes but neuer saw I cloake of so many holidayes in all my life A
gallant came to runne at the ring all clad in haire-collour veluet and ouer it a vayle of white Taffeta girt close to him ala Morâ—sco Whereupon the Emperour Charles asking his Iester what it was like he answered Like the bowels of a beast wrapt in their calle A Gent. came in a maske vested all in blacke ouer-figured with Deaths heads and one that saw it said Iesu what a number of Fooles faces haue we there The Gent. Page standing by answered Nay there lackes yours to make it seeme so OF OFFICERS A Spanish Earle retain'd an Vsher for his Ladie and bid his Steward set him down twentie-pounde wages The Steward for his Lords profit would not set him downe presently according as he was encharg'd but of a month after In which meane time the Earle asking the Vssher whether the Steward had yet set him downe in his booke or no he answered No and like your honour hee will haue mee stand on my legges one moneth to an end A Gent. of her Majesties priuie-chamber comming to a merrie Recorder of London about some state-affaire met him by chance in the street going to dinner to the Lord Maior and proffered to deliuer him his encharge But the dinnerly Officer was so hastie on his way that he refus'd to heare him posting him ouer to an other season The Gent. notwithstaÌ„ding stil vrged him to audieÌ„ce without discouering vnto him either who he was or what he would Wherupon the Recorder then merily turn'd backe to his horse and said Horse tell this man that I am going to dinner to my L. Major and that I cannot now intend his tittle tattle for well I wot he will not beleeue mee Wherunto the Gent. no lesse pleasently answered No horse not so I pray thee but thus Tell the Asse thy maister that I am G. of the priuy chamber one that is come to him about busines of state and will him to dispatch me presently as hee will answer the contrarie A Constable had direction to disarme al that passed through his quarter after ten a clocke at night and a merrie fellow chancing to passe that way sayd vnto him Are you the Gallant that must disarme all passengers this way too night Goe yee then to such a Cookes house and take froÌ„ him a Corslet of mine which lieth there in pawne for pies A Commendador of Spaine being discharged of his office vowed neuer to make his will vntil it had pleased the King to re-install him thereinto which the king shortly after daign'd to doe And then the first words of his will were these All that euer I haue the Kings Majesty gaue it me A Canallio signifies in Spanish a horse-backe and acaballio to end or dispatch any thing A Maior of a towne riding posse through the street to pacifie a tumult a Gent. of his acquaintaÌ„ce met him and ask'd him whether he went so a Cauallio that is so mounted The Maior answered acaballio Two Fellons were adjudg'd to die and yet at last through much entreatie it pleas'd the Iudge in fauour of life to ingalley them for seuen yeers The hangman seeing that straight stept in and besought the Iudge to rid him of his office and appoint some other in his place Being ask'd wherfore hee answered Because you barre me of my right One chaunced vpon the night watch and the Constable demaunded his weapon who straight discouered his cloake and shew'd him a bottle of wine and said Loe heere all my weapon The Constable took his said weapon from him he and his mates drunk vp all the wine and then deliuer'd him the emptie bottle saying Holde heer friend the sheath againe A Constable raising vp his parish by night to assist justice made his proclamation thus All you that doe not foorthwith rise and come to assist the Kings peace and Iustice shall forfeit vnto the Exchecker a 100. stripes Theeues were a rifling a Gent. house by night the watch came in with torches to attache them Now one of them to saue himselfe by dark strooke out one of their torches and ran away But being afterwardes apprehended the Constable said vnto him Belike friend you are next heire to the halter that you desir'd so much the torches death A Courtiers man came to Queene Isabels Harbinger and tolde him that the chamber which he assign'd his maister was much at a fault with that the Harbinger pointing him to a gibbet that stood before the Court gate answered If your masters chamber be at a fault see yonder where stands a gibbet One being condemn'd to be shot to death for a rape the maid in fauour of his life was content to beg him for her husband Which being condiscended vnto by the Iudge according to the law of Spaine in that behalfe in steps me the hangman all in a chafe and sayd vnto the Iudge Howe I pray you sir can that be seeing the stake is already in the ground the rope the arrrowes the Archers all in a readinesse and heere I am come for him In a prouinciall visitation in the territorie of Toledo enquirie was made for such kinde of women as did cure folke with charms and superstitions And among others a decrepit Beldam was brought before the Visitor who asking her what cures she did she answered Forsooth maister I wash to the Marchants masterships of Toledo A Souldiour comming about a sute to a merrie Recorder of London the Recorder seeing him out at the window ran hastilie into an inner roome there put on a Corslet and a head-peece then with a Launce in his hand came down vnto him and sayd How now Sirra are you the man that hath somwhat to say to mee Begin now when you dare for behold I trow I am sufficiently prouided for you A Maior of London died the verie same day that hee was elected vvhereupon one thus merrilie saide A vigilant Maior he was that neuer â—lept all the time of his Maioralty A merrie Recorder of London being to discide a brable between two Citizens the one called Dunscombe the other Cox vnderstanding what a paltrie matter it was hee thus jestinglie said vnto them Sirs I verie wel conceiue your case and thus I senteÌ„ce it Namely you Dunscombe deliuerye vp to Cox al your combe reseruing only Duns to your selfe so be you still a Duns and he a Coxcombe A Gent. riding through a countrey-parish and being destitute of money sold his horse to the Constable there who seeing that he had an easie peniwoorth straight arrested the Gent. vpon suspition of fellonie Namely that he had stolne the saide horse An Abbot had bespoken of a Gold-smith a dozen of rich Candlestickes and paid most of the money aforehand Shortly after the Gold-smith died and the Abbot came to demaund the Candlesticks of his widow which he knew were by that time all finished Wherunto she making denyal and refusing to take notice of any such matter th'Abbot was faine to get an Oâ—ficer to enter
London-mates passing by his doore and seeing him stand there ask'd him what hee meant to giue ouer his Ale-house at London and come thether he answered To recollect myselfe A poore man trauelling on the way met with a poore Tayler who offred him his sheeres to sell He because it was an easie peniworth gaue him all the mony he had for theÌ„ thinking that the next place he came at he might happily sell them for more So traueilling on his way at last he came to an Ale-house where by chaunce was then a Taylers wife a tippling among her Gossips who seeing his sheeres straight thought he was a Tayler and had him home to her house to dinner And after dinner brought him foorth a peece of cloth to cut out in garmentes He all this while was content tooke the chalke in his hand and began to make and vnmake and countermake a many lines and dashes vpon the cloth and so continued a good space till at last she marueilling therat ask'd him what he did hee answered I measure out how many Sizzers these sheeres will make One asked a plaine fellow whether he could tyle or no hee answered Yea in good houre bee it spoken I haue tyl'd in London A disconteÌ„ted Tayler said to a niggardly Gent. who had abridg'd him a third part of his bill You a Gentil Faith sir no a Iew you are An Artizan fed his Prentise onlie with Liuers and Lightes And being on a day to goe doe a little worke out of towne hee bid his Prentise come after and meet him at such a place Meane time hee went afore and being come to the place appointed there he staid for his Prentise whom at last he might see comming aloose off with a load on his shoulders and being come neer him he marueill'd therat and ask'd him why he brought that great log with him the Prentise answered So many lights haue I eaten that I thought the open country-ayre would haue caried me quite away and therefore did I take this loade vpon me A Scauinger loading a dung-cart by chaunce a Kyte flew ouer him and a Tayler in the next shop seeing it sayd Oh see there sirrha your fellow Scauinger No answered the Scauinger Prick-louse it is a Bussard like you A Gentlewoman fearing to be drown'd said Now Iesu receiue our soules Soft maistresse answered the water-man I trow we are not yet come to that passe A Butcher running after a sheep in the street and crying to the people Stop the sheep stop the sheep An other ran after him and cri'd Stop the theefe stop the theefe A merrie old Artizan seeing a milk-woman passe by his shop and crying fresh Cheese and Creame call'd her to him and tasting to her cream-pot as though he meant to buy drunk it clean off and so deliuer'd her the pot againe saying Get yee gone ye baggage come yee hether to cosen mee with your sowre milke Within a while after an Aqua vitae-man past by and hee calling him into his shop tooke his Aqua vitae bottle out of his hand to taste therof as though hee meant to buy and dranke of it at least a six-pennie draught and so deliur'd him his bottle againe saying I marie this warmes my colde creame well and cheares me at the very heart One asking a Wood-monger whether such a widdowe were not in his debt he answered No truly shee hath alwayes paid me verie vertuously A London-Printer sent his Prentise for a messe of Mustard vvho asking him where he should fetch it he surlie answered In France Very good sir quoth the Prentise And with that he tooke a Mustard-pot in his hand and forth he went to Pâ—llinsgate where finding a ship bound for France he imbark'd therein to France he went vvhere he remain'd the space of almost a yeere At last return'd home again he came that very same day twelue-moneth to his maister and deliuer'd him the foresaid pot-full of Mustard saying Hold here Maister your messe of French Mustard The said Prentise entring by and by after into his maisters Printing-house and finding a Dutch-man there working at the Presse straight stept vnto him and snatching the balles out of his hands gaue him a good cuffe on the eare sayd Why how now Butter-boxe Cannot a man so soon turne his back to fetch his maister a messe of Mustard but you to step straight into his place The end of the fourth part of this booke Wittes Fittes and Fancies The Fift part OF IESTERS ONe asked the Marques of Villena his Iester what vertue he thought was in a Turkey stone he answered Marie if you should chance to fall from the top of a high tower you to breake your necke and the stone to haue no hurt The Marques of Villena willed his Chamberlaine to giue his Foole Perico de Ayala one of his cloath of golde jerkins and the Chamberlaine deliuer'd him onely the sleeues and the skirts of it The Vice seeing himselfe so deluded went straight to the Father of the Confraternitie of the Court and told him that one was deceased that night out of the Marques of Villena his roomes and will'd him to come fetch away the Coorse foorthwith to buriall The Priest beleeu'd him came thether with a many people attending him not knowing but that he went in very deed for a dead body Passing along the Foole foremost tinckling the bell in his hand as the maner is the Marques hearing the bell look'd out at the windowe and ask'd wherefore they came thether The Vice answered Wee come my Lord for the bodie of the coate you gaue me which I verily suppose is dead because I haue here some principall meÌ„bers of it without which out of doubt it cannot liue The Emperour Charles being priuate on a time in his priuie Chamber accompaned onely with his Iester one Romero de Figueroa a poore Gent. whose small liuing lay vpon the edge of Portugall came and desir'd to speake with his Majestie The Iester told the Emperour thereof who answering Bid him choose some other time for that I am now disposed to be priuate a while No I beseech you Caesar reply'd the Iester let vs haue him in for out of doubt he will els for verie anger put vp all his landes in a basket and flie to Portugall Alonso King of Spaine progressing along the country passed by a great hill in the midst of a plaine which seem'd to haue bin cast vp by the handes of men and asking the cause of it answer was made that in the time of Almanzar a Moore King Cordua was then chiefe towne of all that countrey and hee enjoyn'd the inhabitantes therabout in token of their true alleageance to him euery housholder once a yeere to bring to that place a basket-full of earth which being performed the space of many yeares together rais'd it to that hugenesâ—e as did appeare Then the King asked his Iester how many baskets-full of earth he thought it contayned hee answered Making one