my self hauing receiued so great Fauours from Almightie God could euer procure to come to Mentall Prayer and that for me it would suffice if I sayd those Vocall Prayers to which I was bound as others did but that since now I did not euen thus much well what sense was there that I should pretend to doe more and that this was to expresse little reuerence to Almightie God and to vnderualue his Fauours It was fitt to thinke and know all this but to put it in execution had been extreamly ill done And be thou Blessed O Lord who broughtst me the remedie For this temptation seems to haue been no lesse then a beginning to that other which the Diuel brought vpon Iudas but that Traitour the Diuel durst not tempt me so openly but would faine haue come by little and little to set vpon me as he did vpon him And now for the loue of our Lord let all them who vse Mentall Prayer consider that which followes very well Let them know that during the time when I forbore it my life was much worse then before And let it be well considered what a fine kind of remedie the Diuel brought me and what a daintie ridiculous Humilitie it must be which could fill me with so deep a disquiet For indeed how could this Soule of mine appease it self The ignorant foolish Creature went away as fast as she could from her true repose and rest She had her Fauours and Regalo's present to her memorie and she found that the contentments of this world were so loathsome as euen almost to prouoke a Vomit But I am amazed how I could endure it though belike it was with some kind of hope that at the worst hand I might be able to remaine free from Sinne for I neuer as I remember though yet it be now more then one twentie yeares agoe gaue-ouer a being resolued to returne to Prayer But O how ill-grounded and addressed was this hope of mine For the Diuel would faine haue turned me ouer till the Day of Iudgement that so from thence he might conduct me to Hell But yet now afterward I frequenting Prayer Reading which was indeed the way to see reall Truths looking downe vpon that wicked course which I was holding and often importuning our Blessed Lord with manie teares I was yet so very wretched that I knew not by anie meanes how to help my self But then againe on the other side I growing to giue-ouer these good things and employing my self vpon certaine idle pastimes and exposing my self to manie occasions of ill and enioying very few helps and I may rather venture to say none at all but only such as might help mee to fall for what might I euer hope but what I haue sayd I beleiue that a certaine Religious man of S. Dominick's Order who was very learned hath great merit in the sight of God for he awaked me out of this sleep And he made me as I thinke I haue already expressed receaue the B. Sacrament euerie Forthnight And so my miserie being then not altogeather so great I beganne to come back againe into my self though yet withall I forbore not to commit some offences against our Lord. But because I had not lost my way I went still on with falling rising though yet but by little and little And he who neuer giues-ouer to goe forward will ariue at length by going softly though it be late For my part I conceaue that for a Soule to loose her way and to leaue her Prayer is indeed but one and the self same thing and our Lord deliuer vs from it for his owne Mercies sake It is heervpon to be inferred and I desire euen for the loue of our Lord that it may be much obserued that although a Soule shall come to such passe as that our Lord may doe her great Fauours in Prayer she must not yet be confident of her self since she may yet come to fall againe And let her not by anie meanes expose her self to occasions of Sinne. Let her be carefull to consider thus much for the deceipt of which the Diuel is wont to serue himself in this occasion is very great For though the Fauour which was imparted to the Soule were most certainly from Almightie God yet the Traytour will not faile to serue himself of that verie Fauour in whatsoeuer he can and especially for the disaduantage of persons who are not strong in vertue and mortification nor are absolutly vntyed and loose from all things belonging to this world For men in fine must know that they are not by meanes of this Prayer sufficiently strengthned and fortifyed as I will declare afterward for the putting themselues into occasions and dangers how great desires and resolutions soeuer they may haue This is an excellent Doctrine and it is not mine but taught by Almightie God himself and so I shall be glad that all ignorant persons like me may learne it For though a Soule be neuer so high in this State yet must she not trust her self so farre as to goe out to combat but she will haue acquitted her self well if she can defend her self So that in this State and condition it will be necessarie for her to carrie Defensiue Armes against the Diuel for yet she hath not strength enough wherewith to assault him and much lesse to tread him vnder foot as yet they will be able to doe who shall find themselues in that State whereof I will discourse afterward But this is that deuise and cosening-Trick whereby the Diuel is wont to take vs That when once he sees a Soule ariue to be so very neare to our Lord and which can iudge so very well of the difference between the blessings which belong to this life and the next and of the Loue which our Lord beares to that Soule from this very Loue he makes such a kind of confidence and securitie grow as that she shall neuer forsooth be able to fall from that which she is enioying at that time And she also seemes there-vpon to eye her reward so very clearly that she is easily brought to hold it euen impossible for her to quitt that which is so very delightfull and gustfull euen in this life for so base and filthie a thing as worldlie pleasure is Now by meanes of this vaine confidence doth the Diuel grow to depriue her of the distrust which otherwise she would haue of her owne strength and thus she exposes her self as I was saying to danger and beginnes with a foolish kind of good zeale to be giuing the Fruits of her Garden away to others without anie limits as beleiuing now that she hath no more cause so to be afrayd concerning her self and that this is not forsooth out of pride for the Soule vnderstands well enough that she is able to doe nothing of her self but through the much confidence which she hath in Almightie God Yet all this is without discretion because
sometimes not so soone And since of late I am growne able to receaue the B. Sacrament more often it proceeds from this that these vomits come to me at night before I goe to bed and they put me to much more paine and then I must procure to hasten and facilitate them by the vse of feathers and such other things because if I haue not those vomits the sicknes vvhich I feele is extreame But indeed I am me thinkes almost neuer without manie kindes of paine and sometimes they are very sharp ones and especially at my verie hart though yet withall it be also true that the cruel Palsie and other infirmityes of Feauers which were wont to come very thick vpon me are now found to oppress me more seldome so that manie times I am well in those respects and I haue made so little account of these miseries for these eight yeares togeather that sometimes I am euen glad I haue them as conceauing that our Lord may be peraduenture serued in some sort thereby This was my discourse And now my Father belieued that this which I told him heer was indeed the true cause of my omission for himself neuer vsed to lye and considering in what sort and of what matter I was then discoursing to him he had no reason to thinke but that I sayd true and to the end that he might belieue me the better I told him also then that I well saw my self not to be without some fault and that I had enough to doe to be able to assist in the Quire though yet in verie deed euen this reason of corporall sicknes was no sufficient cause to make me giue anie good thing ouer for there is no need of corporall strength for such things as these but only of loue and custome since our Lord affords vs alwaies opportunitie if we will ourselues I say alwaies because though infirmities and other occasions my hinder one sometimes from spending manie howers in Solitude yet there will not want some other time wherein we may haue health enough for this busines yea and euen in other occasions as also in the midst of sicknes it self the truest Prayer may be made since it is the Soule which loues by offering vp that paine to Almightie God and in remembring for whome it is endured and in conforming ones self to God's holie will therein and in a thousand such other things as will occurr And thus may one exercise Loue for there is no necessitie at all for a person either to be in Solitude or els that there must be no Mentall Prayer at all If we will take a little care we may arriue to obtaine great blessings at those times when our Lord euen takes time for Prayer from vs by meanes of our sicknesses and paine and my self had found this to be true as long as my Conscience was pure and good But my Father through the opinion which he held of me and the loue he bore me belieued all that I had sayd or rather he not only belieued but had also pittie of me though yet being then growne to find himself in so eminent and high a state of Spirituall Life he remained not with me very long And therefore hauing visited me he returned home as holding his stay there to be losse of time and I who was willing to spend it vpon other vanities was not troubled very much at his departure It was not only with him but with other persons also whome I procured that they should addict themselues to Mentall Prayer euen whilst I was walking on in those vanities for still as I found them apt to vse Vocall Prayer I told them how they should grow to haue the vse of Meditation and I did them good and gaue them Bookes for I had still a good desire that others should serue Almightie God euen from the verie first time that I vsed Mentall Prayer as I haue related heer It seemed to me that since now I serued not our Lord my self so well as I should yet I liked not that that light should be lost which his Diuine Maiestie had bestowed vpon me but that others might also serue him by my meanes And this I heer recount that so the great blindnes wherein I was may be the better seen which induced me to make me loose my self whilst yet I went procuring to doe good to others About this time my Father fell into the sicknes whereof he dyed shortly after But I went to attend and recouer him whilst my self was more sick in Soule then he was in Bodie through manie vanities of mine though yet not in such sort as that according to my vnderstanding I was in Mortall Sinne euen in all this worst wickedest time whereof I speake for certainly if I had conceaued otherwise I should by no meanes haue continued therin I endured some affliction and trouble in his sicknes and I thinke I also made him some part of poore amends for the paines which he had taken with me in mine for now being ill enough in my self I yet strained very hard to doe him seruice and besides I well considered that by the onlie losse of him all my comfort and regalo was to be lost for it all was shut vp in onlie him I animated my self also so much towards the not shewing him that I was in anie paine and in continuing so euen till he expired as if I had felt no trouble at all though yet it be very true that when I saw him come to be vpon the verie point to loose his life it seemed to me as if mine owne verie Soule had then been torne out of my Bodie for I loued him much It was a thing to make our Lord be highly praised to see the death which my Father dyed togeather with the desire which he also had to dye and the counsel which he gaue vs after he had receaued extreame Vnction and how he charged vs to recommend him to God and that we should begg mercie of him for his Soule and that we must serue him euer and consider that all this world must come to end With teares he also told vs how sad he was at the hart for not hauing serued his Diuine Maiestie better That he wished he were some Religious man I meane that he had been so and that of the most strict who were in the world And I hold it for very certaine that some fifteen dayes before our Lord gaue him to vnderstand that he was not to liue because before that verie time he did not thinke he was sick though yet he were so in good earnest But afterwards though he seemed to mend much in point of health and though the Doctours bad him belieue that there was no danger at all yet he made no account of that but only attēded to put his Soule in good order That sicknes of his beganne with a very grieuous paine round about his shoulders which neuer left him and sometimes it pressed him
my Lord who hast in such sort vouchsafed to make so filthie a Fish-Pond as I was become so pure and cleare a water as that it may serue for thine owne Table Be thou adored and praised O thou Regalo of the Angels who hast vouchsafed thus to exalt so base a worme This profit of the Soule remaines for some time therin and now she can already vnderstand clearly enough that the Fruit is none of her owne and she beginns to giue part of it to others without euer feeling anie want of it her self She now beginns also to giue signes and apparances of being the owner of some such Soule as it to be a Iewel-House fitt for the Treasures of Heauen and to carrie great desires of making others partake them and humbly to beseech Almightie God that she may not be alone in possessing them She beginns now to profit her Neighbours without almost vnderstanding it her self and without her seeming to doe anie thing therin but they who receaue the benefit vnderstand it well For already doe those Flowers yeild so high and apparant a Sent that it inuites all the world to come neer them They know that she hath great Vertues and they see that the Fruit is very tempting and they would faine help her to eat it And now if the earth of this Garden be manured and digged-vp very deep with Persecutions with Detractions and with Sicknes as there are few who ariue thus farre without these things and if also it be very cleane stripped of all proper Interest the Water sinkes so very deeply into this Soyle that it will scarce be euer dry againe But yet if it be such a kind of earth as that with being earth it haue also such a quantitie and companie of thornes as I remained with in the beginning and if it want a rooting-out of the occasions of ill and is not withall so gratefull as so high a Fauour requires that Soyle growes againe to be dry And in that case if the Gardner proue negligent and slack and if out Lord through his owne onlie goodnes doe not againe resolue to bestow raine vpon it you may well giue this Garden for destroyed and lost For iust thus did it happen to me seuerall times and really I am euen amazed to reflect vpon it yea and it were not possible for me to beleiue it if the case had not been wholy mine owne But now I write thus much for the comfort of such Soules as are weake like mine to the end that they may neuer despaire nor so much as once leaue to haue confidence in the greatnes of Almightie God and that although they should fall euen after our Lord had brought them to so incomparable Fauours as are mentioned heer they must not yet despaire vnlesse they will be totally lost for there is nothing which will not be gotten with teares and so the employing of one Water will be the meanes of getting another One of the things by which I haue been animated with being that miserable Creature which I am to write this Discourse and to giue this kind of account of my wicked Life and of the Fauours which our Lord hath been pleased to doe me and that not whilst I was seruing him but offending him hath been this And really I wish now that I were some person of great authoritie that so I might be the better beleiued in this particular and I humbly beseech the Diuine Maiestie of my deare Lord that he will bestow this Fauour vpon me I say then that no one euen of those Creatures who haue begunne to vse Mentall Prayer is to be dismayed with saying If I should returne to be wicked againe it would be worse for me to goe forward with the vse of Prayer For the thing which I beleiue is that it will be worse if he giue-ouer his Prayer and forbeare to reforme his life But if he shall not giue-ouer his Prayer let him be confident that it will bring him againe to the Port where he shall be able to see the Lanterne and ariue safe The Diuel made so feirce batterie against me and I passed so long without Prayer as conceauing that being so wicked as I was it would be an act of more humilitie to desist from it that I gaue it ouer for about a yeare and a halfe or for a yeare at least for of the half yeare I remember it not so very precisely But this was likelie to be and was then indeed no other thing then for me to put my self euen into Hell without needing anie Diuels for that purpose O my deare Lord how great is that blindnes and how vnhappily doth the Diuel hitt right for his purpose in laying so heauie a loade vpon vs heerin The Traytour knowes very well that he hath lost that Soule which continues with perseuerance in Prayer and that all those Falls which he procures to giue vs will but assist vs through the goodnes of Almightie God to make afterwards the greater leape towards his Seruice The Diuel I say knowes very well how much this imports him But O my deare Iesus what a thing it is to see a Soule in this State falne-back to Sinne when yet thou by thy mercie dost lend him that hand of thine to rise againe O how will such an one come to know the multitude of thy greatnesses and mercies togeather with his owne miserie Heer comes this Creature in to vnderstand thy Maiesticall way and to annihilate himself in good earnest Heer is the Soule not once presuming so much as to lift her eyes vp to Heauen though yet she raise her thoughts to consider the vnspeakable obligation which she hath to thee She heer growes all deuoted to the Queen of Heauen that she may helpe to appease thee Heer she inuokes those Saints who fell after thou hadst once called them to thy Seruice to the end that she may be assisted by them Heer she conceaues and finds that whatsoeuer Crosses thou send her they are all of them too easie and light because she sees already that she deserues not the verie ground vpon which she goes Heer enters the frequenting the Sacraments of the Church and that vigorous Liuelie Faith which now remaines in her hart as seing the great power and vertue which God infused into it The praising thee for hauing left such Vnguents and other Medicines for the cure of our Sores which close not only the skinne but take them vtterly away In a word she is amazed at all these things and who O thou Lord of my Soule is not to be amazed at so great mercie and at such an ouerflowing kind of Fauour vpon our Treasons which are so abominable and fowle that for my part I cannot vnderstand how my hart comes not euen to splitt when I write thus much because I find my self so very wicked And yet the while it seemes as if I had a minde to make thee a kind of recompence satisfaction
may hope from those terrible and perpetuall torments Since that time as I was saying there is nothing which seemes not easie to me in cōparison of one moment of that which is to be suffered there And I was in a very great wonder that hauing so often read diuerse Bookes which giue me some notice of a part of the torments of Hell I feared them so little and held them in so small account considering in what case I was then and how it was possible for me to receaue contentment in anie such thing as finally was to carrie me on to so wretched a place as that is Be thou eternally Blessed O my God for how well hast thou made it appeare that thou louedst me incomparably better then I doe my self How often O my deare Lord hast thou deliuered me from that darke and horrible Dungeon and how often haue I returned to cast my self in thither againe euen against thy will From hence also I got a facilitie to be in very great paine for the manie Soules of these Lutherans which are condemned to Hell and especially because they had once been members of the Holy Catholique Church by their Baptisme I gained also great impulses to doe good to Soules and really it seemes to me to be very certaine that for the sauing of anie of them from so greiuous and euerlasting torments I could suffer manie deaths with a very good will For I consider that if we see a person in this world whome we loue vndergoe anie great affliction or paine it seemes that euen our naturall disposition inuites vs to haue compassion of the case and so much as that paine is greater so much the more And therefore now to see a Soule which is for euer to be enchained to the enduring of that supreame affliction and miserie of all miseries who shall be able to beare it and what hart can euer brooke it without strange trouble And since we are moued heer to so much compassion of men whose miseries haue yet a tearme prefixed and at the furthest they are to end with their liues how shall we be able to get patience for thinking of the infinit torments of those others considering what a huge number of Soules the Diuel is daily carrying into Hell This consideration also makes me desire that in a busines of so mightie importance we may not be satisfyed with lesse then the doeing of the very vttermost we can on our part and that we leaue nothing at all vnattempted to secure our selues by that meanes and I humbly beseech our Blessed Lord to giue vs all his grace for this purpose When I consider that howsoeuer I were formerly most wicked yet had I some little care to ferue Almightie God not yet did I then commit certaine things which are taken and swallowed downe by the world as familiarly as to turne the hand And with this I endured huge sicknesses and I did it with that great patience which our Lord was pleased to giue me for that purpose and I was also not inclined to murmure and detract or to speake hardly of anie Creature nay it seemes to me as if I scarce had power to with anie bodie anie ill nor was I couetous nor enuious for anie thing that I could euer remember at least to anie such proportion as might result to the great offence of Almightie God And some other things also there are wherein though I were very wicked I had vsually the feare of Almightie God before me And yet notwithstanding all this I see where the Diuels had taken vp and prouided my lodgeing and it is true that considering what my faults had been it seemed to me that I yet deserued more punishment But howsoeuer vpon the whole matter I declare that it was a most horrible torment and and that it is a dangerous thing that the Soule should take contentment and be at rest which is falling euerie minute into Mortall Sinne. Nay rather for the loue of Almightie God let vs remoue all the occasions thereof for our Lord will help vs all as he hath done me And I humbly beseech his Diuine Maiestie not to giue ouer to hold me fast in his hand least if he doe I returne to fall for in that case I see already what is to become of me for euer but I beseech our B. Lord againe not to suffer it euen for his owne mercies sake Amen But now after my seeing all this as also manie other great things and secrets which our Lord through his owne mercie was pleased to shew me concerning the Glorie which is designed in the next life for the good and the Torments for the wicked and I procuring now to light vpon some way or meanes whereby I might doe Pennance for so much ill as I had committed and might be able also to doe somewhat towards the obtaining of so great a good I desired euen to fly out of the sight of mankind and now at length once for all to deuide my selfe from the world and to part from it And my hart would now be quiet no longer but yet was not that disquiet of mine anie troublesome kind of thing but rather of contentment and gust and it was euident that it came from Almightie God and that his Diuine Maiestie had giuen heate enough to this Soule of mine for the disgesting of other and stronger meates then she had formerly taken And now I beganne to consider what I might possibly he able to doe for Almightie God and the first thing I thought was to follow that first Call which his Diuine Maiestie had giuen me to leade a Religious Life and that by the Obseruance of my Rule with the greatest perfection that I could practise And though there were in the Monasterie wherein I found my self at that time manie Seruants of Almightie God by whome he was very much serued in that place yet in regard they wanted temporall meanes manie of the Religious woemen were cast into a kind of necessitie to goe abroad sometimes for releife of the House but yet they did it so as to passe with all kind of chastitie and pietie And besides that House was not founded according to the first rigour of the Rule but only the same Rule was obserued in conformitie with all the rest of the Order according to the Bulles of Relaxation and dispensation There were also some other inconueniences and besides it seemed to me that the place was of much Regalo in regard that it was both large and pleasant But especially the inconuenience of going sometimes out of the Monasterie was growne to be a very great one for me though formerly I had been one who made most familiar vse of it my self in regard that sometimes some persons whome the Superiours being importuned could not well refuse tooke contentment that I should accompanie them who went abroad And by this meanes according to the vse which was held I might grow by degrees to remaine very
the effects whensoeuer the Soule hath Light for manie times as I haue sayd our Lord is pleased that it should remaine in darknes and not see this Light and therefore it is not so strange a busines which so wicked a Creature as my self may come to see On the other side it is but euen now that it hath hapned to me to be eight dayes in such a case as that I seemed neither to haue knowledge of what I owe to Almightie God not yet anie memorie of his Fauours but only that my Soule was euen halfe besotted and estranged and employed vpon I know not what nor how Not yet vpon anie ill thoughts but I was so very vntoward in respect of good ones that I did euen as it were laugh at my self and tooke a kind of gust to see the great basenes of a Soule whensoeuer our Lord vouchsafes not to be working in it But she yet vnderstands very well that she is not without possessing him euen in this State for it is not as I haue formerly sayd as it vses to be in our great afflictions but though we bring wood thither and doe also all that verie little which we are able to doe on our part there is yet no such thing in the world as the kindling at that time of anie fire of the loue of our Lord in our harts And it is no small mercie of his that we can so much as find that there is anie smoake for at least we know thereby that she is not dead and our Lord returnes to kindle it againe afterward But then this Soule of ours though we breake our verie heads in blowing and wearie our selues also otherwise in ordering and composing the wood seemes to be in such a condition as that euerie thing serues to choake vs the more And so I thinke the best of our case to be then to render our selues wholy vp and to know that we are able to doe nothing of our selues and then to apply our endeauours to the doing of some externall meritorious things Yea and perhaps our Blessed Lord is pleased to take Prayer from vs at that time to the end that the Soule may exercise her self in those other actions and so vnderstand at length by good experience how little she was able to doe of her self But now I haue this verie day regaled my Soule with our Lord and presumed to complaine to his Diuine Maiestie euen against himself to this effect How comes it to passe O my God that it seemes not enough for thee to keep me in this miserable life and that I resolue to endure it all for thy sake and that I content my self to be where all is vexation and trouble and that I may not so much as enioy euen thee but that I must also eat and sleepe and dispatch businesse and treat with euerie Creature according to the occasion and that I suffer all this for the loue of thee And now O my Lord thou knowest that this is an extreame torment to my hart and that yet in those few little moments of time which remaine to me for the enioying thee thou yet art pleased to hide thy self after this manner from me And how can this be compatible with thy mercie and how can the loue thou bearest me permit it I beleiue O my deare Lord that if it were a possible thing for me to hide my self from thee as thou dost thy self from me I thinke I say and I beleiue so much of the loue thou bearest me as that thou wouldst not endure it at my hands But thou art still with me and euer seest in what case I am Yet permit not longer O my Lord that this kind of course be held but I humbly beseech thee to consider that it is a kind of wrong to proceed after this manner with one who loues thee so much This and the like hath occurred to me to say though yet I considered first how that place which had been prouided for me in Hell was appointed me after a kind of fauourable way in comparison of what I had deserued But yet sometimes the loue I beare to our Blessed Lord is so very extrauagant that I scarce can tell what I doe and then with all the little vnderstanding I haue I make such cōplaints as these and our Lord endures them all at my hands and therefore let so good a King as this be euer praised But now might we perhaps be able to approach anie King of this world with such audacities as these And yet I wonder not much that we may not presume to talke after this manner to our Earthly Kings whome we haue so much reason to feare yea or euen to such great Lords as are the superiour parts of the State For now we find the world so changed that our verie liues should be longer then now they are to the end that we might haue time enough to learne the Punto's and new customes and fashions of good Manners of the world if there be anie meaning withall that we should also haue anie time to spend in the Seruice of Almightie God For my part I euen blesse my self to see what happens for the truth is that euen already I scarce knew how to liue in the world when I came to this place For now it passes I can assure you for no ieast whensoeuer there is any little omission to treat men euen with much more Stile and ceremonie then they deserue but they doe really so take it for an affront that you must forsooth interpret your intention and professe your desire to make satisfaction if there be as I was saying anie omission yea and I pray God that they will vouchsafe to beleiue you But in the meane time I returne to affirme that really I did not know how to liue so miserably doe these things afflict a poore ouerlaboured Soule For she sees that on the one side they command her to employ her whole thought vpon God and that it is necessarie for her to doe so to the end that she may be deliuered from manie dangers and on the other side she also finds that it concernes her not to loose a Punto euen in the Puntilio's of this world vpon the price of not chanceing to minister occasion of giuing temptation and trouble to them who place their Honour in these Punto's For as for me they tired me euen outright and I could neuer be at an end of making satisfactions for it was neuer in my power how much soeuer I endeauoured it to forbeare the making manie faults in this kind which as I sayd are not held to be little in the account of the world And it is true that in Religious Orders which in all reason should be excused and discharged in such kinds as these there is really a very true discharge Not yet that they affirme that our Monasteries ought to be a kind of Court for good breeding and to know what belongs to good Manners
this Light nor yet of anie other thing at all which our Lord was pleased to giue me to vnderstand and that with such a soueraigne kind of delight as cannot possibly be declared For all our Senses enioy such a superiour degree of sweetnes that it can no way be fully expressed and therefore I thinke it will be best to say no more I had once been aboue an hower in this condition when our Lord shewed me admirable things and seeming not to depart from being neer me he spake these verie words to me See heer my Daughter vvhat they loose vvho are against me doe not thou forbeare to let them knovv it But O my deare Lord what good will my saying it doe to them whome their owne actions blind so deeply if thy Diuine Maiestie doe not giue them light Some there be to whome thou hast giuen it and they haue profited much by knowing those greatnesses of thine but yet O my Lord they see in such sort withall that they are shewed to such a wretched and miserable thing as my self that I cannot but esteem it a strange thing to find that anie Creature should beleiue me Blessed be thy name and thy mercie for at least I haue plainly seen an euident amendment in mine owne Soule and I would be glad if I might still remaine there and not come back to liue heer anie more For the contempt wherein I held this whole world was very great and it seemed to be no better then euen dung to me and now I find how basely we be employed who are detained therein Whilst I remained with that Ladie of whome I spoke before it hapned to me once when I was ill and euen sick at the hart for I haue formerly been subiect to this miserie though nothing so much of late she considering me with much charitie and compassion commanded that one day certaine Iewells of hers should be brought forth which she had of very great value and one in particular of Diamonds which was prized at a verie high rate Now she conceaued belike that this would recreate and reviue me but I smiled inwardly at her the while and had compassion to see how meane things men esteem when I considered what our Lord hath layd-vp for vs And I thought how impossible a thing it would be for me to put anie manner of value vpon such toyes as those euen though I should endeauour it vnlesse our Lord should first depriue me of the memorie of those other treasures But now this kind of Fauour giues so great a dominion to the Soule that I know not whether it can possibly be vnderstood but only by such persons as possesse it For it is the proper true and naturall discharge and vntying of the Soule from all things created and this growes absolutly without anie labour of our owne and Almightie God doth it all and then his Diuine Maiestie shewes these Truths and that so as to make them remaine imprinted and engrauen in the Soule and they serue also to make vs see clearly that it was not possible for vs to acquire them especially in so short a time by anie diligences of our owne Vpon this I also came to haue very little feare of death which formerly had been great in me but now it is growne to seem to be a thing of very much facilitie and ease for such as apply themselues to the Seruice of Almightie God For by death the Soule flyes out of prison in one moment and is not only put presently into libertie but enioyes an euerlasting rest and glory Now this way which is held by Almightie God in carrying the Spirit vp to shew her so excellent things in these Rapts seemes to beare a very close kind of conformitie with the passage of a Soule out of a Bodie at the hower of death since it growes euen at one instant to be so entirely inpossession of this Eternall Good But heer I lay aside the consideration of those sorrowes and paines which are felt when the Soule is torne out of the Bodie for we are to make little account of that and they also who loue God in good earnest and haue shaken hands with all the contentments of this life are certainly wont to dye with more sweetnes It also seemes to me that these Fauours did me very much good towards the bringing me into a knowledge of our true Countrie and to see that we were meer Pilgrims heer and it is a pretious kind of thing to find what passes there aboue and to vnderstand where in fine we are to liue for euer And whensoeuer one goes to settle and stay for good and all in anie Countrie it giues a great assistance towards the enduring all the incommodities of the iourney when we know that the end of it is to be such as that we may in fine be in great repose and happines when we get thither It is also heer obtained that with case we may grow able to consider Heauenlie things that so our conuersation may be there And this is a great kind of gaine since the onlie thinking of Heauen recollects the Soule in regard that our Lord being pleased to shew vs somewhat which passes there we are induced to pawse and thinke vpon it And sometimes it so falls out that they whome I know to liue there are the Soules who accompanie me and in whome I receaue most comfort and these indeed are they who seem to be truely aliue and those others on the other side who liue heer seem to be so very deadly dead as that this whole world put togeather cannot amount to be anie companie at all for me And especially when I find anie of these impulses or impetuosities in my self the whole world seemes to be but a verie Dreame and all the obiects of these corporeall eyes of mine a meer ieast and toy but that which already I haue seen with the eyes of my Soule that I say is the thing which she desires and because she finds her self to be yet farre off from thence this is that which is no lesse then euen death it self to my Soule In fine the Fauour is excessiuely great which our Lord vouchsafes to that Soule to whome he giues such Visions as these for they helpe her much in all things and particularly to the carrying of a certaine heauie Crosse which lyes vpon her For nothing can satisfye her now but euerie thing disgusts and checks her And if our Blessed Lord did not giue way that we might forget it sometimes though yet we remember it againe afterward I know not how we should be able to liue Let him be Blessed and praised for all Eternitie and I humbly begg of his Diuine Maiestie euen by that very pretious Bloud which his owne Sonne shed for me that since he hath vouchsafed that I should vnderstand somewhat of these benefits and blessings and that I should beginne to enioy them also in some kind euen in this life it
high and abstracted Nature of the verie Contents of the Booke Partly through the great length of the Periods Partly through the multitude sometimes of Parenthesis euen in the same sentēce Partly through her forbearing to vse those Particles in the beginning of the said Sentences as namelie For But Yet Therefore and the like vvithout vvhich it is not alwayes so easie to discerne whether the Discourse be either continued or interrupted or ended and partlie cheiflie by the ill printing and vvorse pointing of all the Spanish Coppyes vvhich I could euer come to see All vvhich I am faine to alleadge by vvay of an humble excuse for vvhatsoeuer errour I may haue inuoluntarilie committed in this case But howsoeuer I heer present it to the glorie of Almightie God to the praise of this Excellent Saint and to the consolation of these Children of hers vvho are no lesse then a kind of counterpoise to the miserie of the times vvherein vvee liue But now as soone as I had translated the Worke a certaine vvise vvorthie man my freind tooke knowledge of it and desired mee by a verie earnest letter of his to vsher this Booke into the vvorld vvith a Preface of mine owne vvhich might open the Readers eye the more easilie to behold the Saint vvhen she followed and so also to giue some notice of her Children who are following her And though I alleadged my reasons why this might be lesse necessarilie done yet still he vrged me to it and so I made his Will mine owne and accordinglie shall speake a few of my thoughts I say some few of my thoughts For whosoeuer hath studied the person of the Glorious S. Teresa vvell vvill find so much to say as if he haue a minde to say all he may doe vvel not to beginne since it vvill neuer be in his power to make an end such a full sea is this excellent Saint of all perfection vvhich hath neither Bottome nor Brimme I vvill therefore say verie little of her heer and that shall cheiflie tend to let you see how highlie this Life vvich vvas vvritten by the Saint her selfe is authorised and hovv punctuallie it deserues to be beleiued forasmuch as may any vvay concerne the truth of the Historicall part thereof as also the excellencie of the Order vvhich she both Reformed and Erected But for the present you may first be pleased to consider that vvee find the Liues of Saints to be vvritten by three seuerall kindes of persons For some are deliuered by men who are onlie eminēt in the Historicall vvay and they deserue to be esteemed and beleiued for the merit of that worth which shall appeare vvhatsoeuer it fall-out to be The second sort is vvhen the Writers are not onlie vvorthie Men but are withall so great Seruants of Almightie God as to be acknowledged by the Christian vvorld for Saints as S. Athanasius vvho vvrote the Life of S. Anthonie S. Epiphanius of seuerall Prophets S. Hierome of S. Paul and S. Hilarion both of them Heremits S. Gregorie the Great of S. Bennet S. Bonauenture of the Humble and Admired S. Francis and the like who deserue a farre higher credit then the former in regard that the vvriters were Saints The Third is when Saints themselues vvrite their owne Liues as the Incomparable S. Augustin did a great part of his in the Diuine Booke of his Confessions vpon the excesse admiration wherein he vvas at the vnspeakable Mercie of Almightie God for remouing all the miseries of his Soule And the Relations of such Liues as these are incomparably of the most credit of all For first no bodie knowes so vvell vvhat passes concerning a man as himself And Saints are verie farre from saying anie thing vvhich is not exactlie true and especiallie if the Saints be such as that they be also endued vvith verie great naturall parts of Witt and Memorie and Iudgement forasmuch as concernes the Braine or Vnderstanding as they vvill be sure to be vvith Truth and Sinceritie Candour forasmuch as may concerne the Hart or Will For as these Morall parts vvill keep them from deceauing others so the Intellectuall vvill secure them from being deceaued themselues and vvill make them define and diuide and suspect and doubt and aske before they fullie resolue to beleiue much more before they vvill publish things to the vvorld And now as the Incomparable S. Augustin vvas called by the consideration of his owne great Sinnes and God's greater Mercies to declare his Life in the neuer enough admired Booke of his Confessions so also did the Glorious S. Teresa the self same thing in effect in this Booke but by direction of her Ghostlie Father Not yet that he did so much as incline her to publish her owne imperfections and sinnes nay rather he did the direct contrarie but onlie to declare her Forme of Prayer togeather vvith the Fauours vvhich our Lord imparted to her therein But novv she vpon that occasion vvould needs make her owne Processe in view of the World shew as incident to the rest hovv ill she had complyed vvith Almightie God from time to time And by this meanes doth she in effect vveaue that great peice of rich Cloth-of-gold and Tislue vvhich concernes almost the Historie of her vvhole Life and novv the same is hungout abroad to the vievv of the vvorld But yet amongst all the excellencies thereof there is one thing vvhich displeases manie vvorthie vvise holie men or at least vvhich pleases them lesse then the rest And it is that vvhensoeuer there is anie question at all of her self in order either to Vertue or Vice she vvould neuer trust her ovvne eyes though they vvere so cleare and good as the vvorld knovves but shee resolued to vvorke vvith Perspectiue-Glasses of different yea euen contrarie kindes For vvhen she described her Vertues she serued her self of a Diminishing-glasse which made them seem so little as to be no more then a kind of Nothing But on the other side when she gaue account of her Imperfections she vvould by no meanes know them by anie other name then of Vices and Sinnes because she tooke a Multiplying-Glasse to her self for feare least els those Mole-hills should not seem Mountaines Novv in the strength of this vvel-meaning and holie kind of errour which she incurred if anie errour may vvell deserue so indulgent a name she gaue her self too great scope if the Reader vvould needs take her at her vvord to violate her ovvne excellent fame by certaine too venturous dashes of her penn vvhich vvas driuen too too hastily on by the impulse of a kind of inordinate Humilitie In such sort as that if a bodie vvere disposed to trust his eyes alone vvithout his reason he might be easilie dravvne to passe a verie erroneous Iudgement vpon her Soule For she vvill tell you in tvventie places of this Booke What a grieuous Sinner she vvas What a multitude of great sinnes she had in her conceipt committed
yet could not be too great a demonstration vvhen I vveigh how deeply I offended thee afterward Now me thinkes that I had reason before in not desiring so great a dignitie as this considering how ill I vvere like to employ it But thou O my Lord vvert pleased to permitt that I might vse this fauour so ill twentie yeares togeather and vvouldst content thy self to be the person affronted that I might be the person improued For it seemes not to me now O my God that I made thee anie promise of anie thing but only that I vvould keepe no promise vvich I had made thee though yet my intention vvas not such at that time And yet I finde my actions to haue growne afterward to be such that I may very vvell thinke I scarce know vvhat kind of intention I had And thus it may the better be seen vvho thou art O my Spouse and my God and who I am For it is really an expresse truth that the grief for my very great sinnes is tempered in me manie times by the contentment which this consideration giues me that my sinnefulnes may proue a meanes to make the multitude of thy mercies be vnderstood For in whome O Lord can they euer shine so brightly as in me who haue by my wicked actions so obscured those great fauours which thou beganst to doe me Ah woe is me O my Creatour for if I looke for anie excuse I can find none nor hath anie creature the fault of it but only my self and if I would pretend to pay thee anie thing for the least part of that Loue which thou beganst to shew me I should not know how to employ it vpon anie thing but only thy self and thereby might all be redressed since I neuer deserued the same Nor was I euer so happie as to doe euen this and therefore now O Lord let thy mercie vouchsafe to supply all wants But now the change which I made of my life and the difference of my food at this time from the former beganne to doe me hurt in the way of health for though the contentment which I had was great yet would it not serue the turne My fitts of fainting and swooning beganne againe to encrease and such a hideous beating of the hart came vpon me as amazed all them who saw it besides manie other infirmities And thus I passed on my first yeare with a kinde of health which was ill enough though yet within that time I conceaue my self not to haue offended God much But my sicknes being so great that it depriued me almost of my senses yea and sometimes I was vvholy depriued the diligences which my Father vsed for my recouerie vvere also very great and vvhen the Doctours of those parts found no remedie he procured to get me remoued to a certaine place vvhere there vvas great fame of the curing manie other infirmities and so they assured themselues that they vvould be able to doe also vvith mine That friend vvhome I mentioned to be in that House vvent vvith me for she vvas of yeares and in the Monasterie vvhere she liued they made no Vow of Clausure I stayd almost a yeare in that other place and during three moneths therof I suffred so excessiue torments by the manner of the Cure vvich was very rigorous that I know not how I vvas able to endure them and though I did endure them yet me thinkes it vvas not my Bodie vvhich could doe it as I vvil now declare This Cure vvas to be taken in hand in the beginning of Sommer and I vvent in the beginning of VVinter All this meane time I remained in the house of that Sister of vvhome I spoke before vvho dwelt in the Countrie because I vvas then neer the place and yet it vvas very troublesome to be going and coming to and fro VVhen I departed from that Vncle of mine vvhome I declared my selfe to haue visited in the vvay he gaue me a certaine Booke vvich is called The third A. B. C. which treats of the manner of Prayer with Recollection Now though in that first yeare I had read some good Bookes forbearing vtterly to looke vpon anie other for I was not ignorant of the hurt which such as those had donne me yet I knew not how to proceede in Prayer nor how to obtaine Recollection and so I was very glad of this Booke and determined to follovv that way to the vttermost of my power And since our Lord had already been pleased to bestow the guift of teares vpon me and since I delighted also in reading I beganne to spend some good fitts of time in solitude and to Confesse myself very often and in a word to addresse myself by that way esteeming that Booke to be my Maister For I could meet with no other Maister I meane a Ghostlie Father who was able to vnderstand me though I fought such an one almost twentie yeares after this time VVhich accident did me hurt enough towards the making me turne back often yea and for the making me loose myself But such an one would haue daily assisted me to lay aside and leaue those occasions which I tooke to offend Almightie God In these beginnings his Diuine Maiestie beganne to doe me so great fauours that at the end of the time when I remained there which was about nine moneths in this way of solitude though I were not so free from offending God as the Booke appointed which I neglected as holding it impossible to continue still so watchfull ouer myself I was carefull not to commit anie Mortall sinne and I would to God I had alwaies been so but of Venialls I made no great account and this was that in fine which destroyed me But our Lord began to regale me so much by this way that he vouchsafed me the favour to giue me Quiet Prayer and sometimes it came so farre as to arriue to Vnion though I vnderstood neither the one nor the other nor how much they both deserued to be prized But I belieue it would haue been a great deale of happines for me to haue vnderstood the certainty thereof True it is that this Vnion rested with me for so short a time that perhaps it might ariue to be but as of an Aue Maria yet I remained with so very great effects therof that with not being then so much as twentie yeares old me thought I found the whole world vnder my feet and so I remember well that I was wont to carrie great compassion towards such as followed the wayes of the world though it were but euen in lawfull things I Procured the best I could to carry our Lord who is our true Good still present with me and euen within me and this was the manner of my prayer If I thought vpon anie passage or Mysterie I represented it to the interiour of myself and other times I spent in reading good Bookes which was all the recreation that I had For God gaue not me the talent
also with hauing begunne so to vse Prayer as that I might be able to carrie my paine with much conformitie to his holie will The conuersation of my hart was wholy with him and I carried these words of Iob very vsually both in my thought and in my mouth Since vve haue receaued blessings and benefits at the hand of our Lord vvhy should vve not also suffer afflictions And I conceaued that this holpe to giue me courage At length came the Feast of our B. Ladie in August for till then from the April before had my torment continued though yet it had been greater in the three last moneths I then made hast to goe to Confession for I euer tooke much contentment to Confesse often My friends thought that it was feare of death which inuited me to be so deuout and so to the end that I might not be put into apprehension my Father would not let mee Confesse O inordinate and irregular loue of flesh and bloud since though I had so Catholick a Father and so full of prudence and consideration in all his actions which euen abounded in him for this could not be an effect of ignorance yet he might haue donne me hurt enough by this meanes That night I fell into such a Trance as continued to keepe me neer foure dayes without the vse almost of anie of my senses and shortly they came to giue me the Sacrament of Extreame Vnction and euerie hower or rather euerie moment it was expected when I should expire they being as diligent in saying the Creede in my hearing as if I had vnderstood them yea sometimes they held me for so certainly to be dead that afterwards I found the drops of the holie Wax-candles about mine eyes The affliction of my Father was great for his not hauing permitted me to goe to Confession Manie outcryes and manie prayers were made to Almightie God for me and blessed be he who was pleased to heare them for the Graue remaining open in the Church of my Monasterie a day and a half where my bodie was expected to be interred and my Funerall hauing been already celebrated by the Religious men of our Order in another towne where it was conceaued that I was dead our Lord was yet pleased at length that I should teturne to my self and so instantly I would needs goe to confession I receaued also the B. Sacrament with manie teares though yet in my opinion they were not shed with that sense and grief for only my hauing offended Almightie God which might haue serued to saue my soule if the errour into which I was brought by them who had told me that they were not matters of mortall sinne which afterward I saw plainly that they were might not serue my turne For the torments wherewith I remained were intollerable and my vnderstanding not very sharpe but rather dull though yet as I conceaued my Confession were entire of all things whereby I might thinke that I had offended God For this mercie did his Diuine Maiestie vouchsafe to allow me amongst others that after I had once begunne to receaue the B. Sacrament I neuer omitted to Confesse anie thing which I conceaued to be a sinne though it were but Veniall Though yet still me thinkes that without doubt my soule might haue runne hazard not to be saued if I had dyed then in regard that on the one side my Ghostlie Fathers had been so meanly learned and on the other side and indeed on manie sides in regard that in my self I was so wicked But this is alwaies a most certaine truth that when I returne to a thought of this passage and consider how it seemes as if our Lord had raised me againe from death to life I am filled with so huge an amazement that I remaine euen as it were all quaking within my self And now me thinkes it were well O my soule that thou wouldst gather this iust resolution from that great danger out of which it pleased our Lord to deliuer thee that although thou wouldst not fly from offending his Diuine Maiestie for Loue yet at least thou shouldst forbeare to doe it for Feare For he might haue taken thy life from thee a thousand times when thou wert in a more dangerous state and I thinke that I should not say too much if I did speake of a thousand times more though he perhaps may chide me who commanded me to vse moderation in the recitall of my sinnes and yet I doubt that I haue painted them out too fauourably and faire But I begg of him for the loue of our Lord that he will not once thinke of making me diminish my faults because the magnificence of Almightie God is to be discerned thereby and how much he is pleased to suffer and endure from a soule Let him be Blessed for euer and let it also please his Diuine Maiestie that he may rather consume me quite then that I should euer leaue to loue him more THE SIXT CHAPTER She treates of hovv much she ovved our B. Lord for his giuing her Conformitie to his holie vvill in so great afflictions And hovv she tooke the glorious S. Ioseph for her Intercessour and hovv aduantagious that Deuotion proued to be I Remained during those foure dayes of Agonie or Trance in such state that only our B. Lord is able to know the vnsufferable torments which I felt in my self My toung was deeply bitten by me in manie places My throat with hauing taken nothing and by reason also of my very great weaknes could not swallow so much as a drop of water without choaking Me thought I was totally disioynted and my head in extreame disorder I was also as it were all rowled vp and contracted as if I had been a Bottome of Packthridd for in this did the torments of those dayes fixe themselues without my being able once to stirr either hand or foot arme or head vnlesse they moued me anie more then as if I had been dead Only I thinke I was able to wagg one single fingar of my right hand Now for anie bodie to touch me in anie kinde there was no meanes at all for my whole person was so affected and afflicted as that there was no enduring to haue it touched In a sheet they would be remouing me now and then according to the occasion with one at one end therof another at the other and this lasted till Easter Only this I had by way of ease that if I were not approached and touched these torments would be ceasing manie times and then vpon the account of my being in lesse paine I was content to affirme my self to be well But indeed I was much afrayd least my patience should beginne to faile me and therfore I was not a little pleased to find my self without those sharpe and continuall torments though yet I had them after an vnsupportable manner togeather with a very great detestation of food whilst I had those fierce colds which indeed
I still desired to recouer my health though yet I endured my sicknes with great alacritie And I would be thinking and considering sometimes that if by enioying my health I might chance be damned it would be better for me to remaine still as sick as I was but howsoeuer I conceiued that I should be able to serue Almightie God much better if I could enioy my health Now this is the abuse and errour which deceaues vs not to resigne ourselues entirely to the disposition and good pleasure of our Lord who knowes best what is fitt for vs. But in the meane time I got manie Masses sayd for this purpose and I resorted also to the vse of other solid and approued Prayers for I was neuer a friend of certaine odd deuotiōs which are vsed by diuers persons and especially by woemen with some odd Ceremonies which I could neuer endure since I vnderstood that they sauoured of Superstition howsoeuer other folkes were moued by them And so I tooke for my Aduocate and Lord the Glorious S. Ioseph and I recommended my self much to him and I haue seen clearly that this Father and Lord of mine hath drawne me as well out of this necessitie as out of other greater when there was question of Honour and Losse of the Soule and that with more benefit and aduantage then euen my self could tell how to desire Nay I cannot remember that hitherto I euer desired anie thing by his meanes which he hath failed to obtaine for me and it is able euen to amaze me when I consider the great Fauours which Almightie God hath donne me by meanes of this Blessed Saint and the dangers both of Bodie and Soule out of which he hath deliuered me In such sort as that it seemes our Lord hath giuen the grace and power to other Saints to succour men in some one kinde of necessitie of theirs but I finde by good experience that this glorious Saint succours vs in them all and that our Lord will make vs vnderstand that as he would be subiect to S. Ioseph vpon earth and that by enioying the name of his Father and by being as it were his Directour and Tutour he might command him so also he would now in Heauen grant whatsoeuer this Saint should desire This truth hath also been seen by the experience of others whome I haue desired to recommend themselues to this Saint and now manie are growne to be deuoted to him and my self also haue fresh experience of this truth For my part I procured to celebrate his Festiuitie with all the solemnitie I was able to vse but yet with more vanitie then true spirit desiring that it might be performed with much curiositie and exactnes though yet still with good intention But I euer had this of ill That if our Lord enabled me at anie time to doe anie thing which was good it would be full of imperfections and faults whereas towards the doing anie thing amiss and for the exercising of curiositie and vanitie I vsed much diligence and dexteritie and cunning our Lord pardon me for it And now I would faine perswade all the world to be deuoted to this glorious Saint for the great experience which I haue had of the blessings that he obtaines for vs of Almightie God nay I haue neuer knowne anie one who is seriously deuoted to him and performes him particular seruices whome I finde not also to goe proceeding on in vertue for really he assists those soules much which recommend themselues to him And to my best remembrance there are diuers yeares wherein I haue desired somewhat of him vpon his Festiuall Day and I haue euer found it granted and if peraduenture my petition had some little of the indirect belonging to it he redressed it and set it streight for my greater good If I were anie such person as had authoritie to write I would gladly enlarge my self heer to make particular relation of the Fauours which this glorious Saint hath obtained both for me and others but to the end that I may doe no more then I am commanded I must be shorter in manie things then I would and more large in others then is needfull like one in fine who hath little discretion for the doing of anie thing which is good Only I begg for the loue of Almightie God that whosoeuer can belieue me will try the truth of what I say for he shall find by experience how greatly a good thing it is to recommend himself to this glorious Patriarch and to be deuoted to him Especially such as giue themselues to Prayer should alwaies be affectionate to this Saint for I know not how one can thinke of the Queen of the Angells at those times when she suffered so much during the Infancie of our Lord Iesus and not giue thankes to S. Ioseph for the great assistance which he gaue them at that time Whosoeuer wants a Maister who might instruct him to pray let him take this glorious Saint for his guide and he shall neuer loose his way I beseech our Lord that I may haue committed no errour in presuming to speake of this Saint for though I thus professe and publish my self to be deuoted to him yet haue I been euer faultie in the not doing him reall seruices and in not imitating his vertues But now he did like himself by procuring that I might be able to rise and walke and be no longer a Cripple and so I did also like my self in making so ill vse of this fauour But now who would euer haue imagined that I could so soone fall back againe after my receiuing so manie regalo's at the hands of Almightie God and after his Diuine Maiestie had vouchsafed to giue me some Vertues which euen as it were of themselues did awake and stirr me vp to his seruice and after I had seen my self euen as it were dead and in so imminent danger to be condemned to Hell and after he had raised me againe both in Bodie and Soule in such sort that all they who saw me were euen amazed to finde that I could so long be aliue But what is this O my Lord and my God Is this life to be still so dangerous which we are to liue Euen now whilst I am writing this me thinkes that by this fauour and mercie I might be able to say with S. Paul though yet not with such perfection as he sayd it that now It is not I vvho liue but thou O my Creatour vvho liuest in me according to the experience which I haue had some yeares by that little which I am able to vnderstand of my self and still thou holdest and keepest thy hand ouer me and I find my self full of desires and good purposes and in some sort I haue proued also euen by experience of manie things in these late yeares that I would by no meanes doe anie thing which should contradict or cross thy will how little soeuer it might be though yet I well belieue that I
vvho are vertuously inclined And hence flowed downe my teares togeather vvith an indignation to consider vvhat I found in my self for I saw that still I vvas as vpon the pitch of returning to fall againe although my firme purposes and desires did then I meane so long as those fauours lasted stand fast and firme A great incoÌ„uenience it is for a Soule to find her self solitarie and single amongst so manie dangers and me thinkes that if I had anie Creature to whome I might haue imparted all this it would haue holp me not to fall againe at least for shame of the world if I would not be ashamed to offend God I would therefore aduise them who make Mentall Prayer and especially at the beginning thereof to procure some friendship and familiaritie with others who haue the same designe for this is of much importance though it should be for no more then to be assisted by the prayers of one another and how much more when there is such aduantage to be gotten also otherwise And for my part I cannot tell why since by meanes of conuersations and humane inclinations euen although they be not excellently good men procure to get some friends by whose meanes they may vnwearie themselues and may find an encrease of contentment by recounting their vaine pleasures to one another it should be so much as permitted that such as beginne to loue and serue Almightie God in good earnest should forbeare to impart both their delights and their afflictions to some fitt persons since such as vse Prayer are acquainted with both For if that Creature be in earnest who desires to hold frieÌ„dship with his Diuine Maiestie there needs to be no feare of Vaine-Glorie and when that Soule should be set vpon by anie first motion therof he would easily get out of it with merit And as for me I belieue that he who should communicate therof with others to this intention would both profit himself and those that heare him and would prâ—â—e to be better taught both in his owne vnderstanding part and in knowing also how to instruct his friends He who should be subiect to Vaine-Glorie for speaking vpon such an occasion as this would also not faile to haue it by being seen to heare Masse with deuotion and by doing other things also to which he is yet expresly bound vpon the paine of being otherwise no good Christian And yet these things must not be forborne vpon the feare of a man's being subiect to Vaine-Glorie Now this is a point of so extreame importance for the benefit of all such Soules as are not yet strengthned and established in Vertue who want not both so manie Aduersaries yea and friends also to incite them to ill that I know not how to expresse it with earnestnes and aduantage enough And to me it seemes as if the Diuel loued to vse this deuise as a thing which imports him very much Namely that men should hide themselues as carefully from such as can vnderstand them who would procure to make them loue and giue gust to God as he hath earnestly incited others to discouer their intemperate desires Which latter course is yet so much taken and followed that it passes for a kinde of gallanterie to talke of it and so vpon the matter they publish the offences which they committ against Almightie God by this meanes I know not whether they be impertinencies which I vtter if they be your Reuerence may be pleased to teare them and if they be not I beseech you Sir assist and instruct my simplicitie by adding much to them vpon this subiect For the busines of the Seruice of Almightie God goes now so weakly on that they who procure to serue him had need support and succour one another that so they may be able to get forward so very much are the vanities and foolish entertainments of the world growne to be in fashion and in such sort that there are few eyes in the world to discerne their fault But if anie bodie on the other side doe but beginne to giue himself to Almightie God there are so manie who will murmure at him that he shall finde himself to haue need enough to get companie which may appeare in his defence till such time as he be confirmed in not being troubled for what he is put to suffer which if he chance not to be he may perhaps grow to see himself in some straights And perhaps this may haue been the reason why some Saints haue vsed to retire themselues into Deserts But as it is a kinde of humilitie not to put anie confidence in a man's self so yet is it no sinne against pietie to belieue that God will not faile to help him to liue amongst them with whome he is obliged to conuerse But thus Charitie by being communicated will grow to be encreased and there are a thousand other benefits which belong to this way of proceeding where of I should not aduenture to speake if I had not great experience of the much importance heer of True it is that I am both the most weake and the most wicked of as manie Creatures as were euer borne but yet still I am apt to thinke that whosoeuer will humble himself though he be strong and will yet not belieue so much of himself but in this will giue belief to another who is endued with experience shall neuer loose anie thing by the bargaine Of my self I am able to say thus much that if our Lord had not discouered this truth to me and had not also giuen me meanes to treate in very vsuall manner with such persons as had the knowledge and practise of Mentall Prayer I had still walked on with falling and rising till I had euen dropped downe headlong into Hell For I wanted not manie friends who would not faile to help me to fall but towards the recouering and raising me vp I found my self so absolutly alone that now I am no lesse then amazed to consider how I remained not still laid flatt and I praise the mercie of Almightie God for it was he and only he who gaue me his helping hand Let him be blessed and praised for euer and for euer Amen THE EIGHTH CHAPTER She treats of the great good it did her tovvards the not loosing her Soule not to haue vvholy giuen-ouer her Prayer As also vvhat an excellent remedie that is tovvards the gaining of vvhatsoeuer good thing vvhich is lost She persvvades all Creatures to vse it and declares the great benefits therof and although vve should aftervvard leaue it yet that still it vvould proue a great good to haue vsed so great a help for some time I Haue not without cause been considering and reflecting vpon this life of mine so long For I am able to discerne well enough that no bodie will haue gust to looke vpon a thing so very wicked And really I would be glad that all such persons as should reade this Discourse might abhorre
me to see a Soule so pertinacious and so vngratefull towards him who had vouchsafed it so great Fauours And I wish I could get leaue to declare that multitude of times that I failed of my obligation to Almightie God in this number of yeares by reason that I was not applyed to and supported by the strong pillar of Prayer I passed through this tempestuous Sea almost twentie yeares between these fallings and risings though I rose il-fauourdly enough since I returned againe so quickly to fall in this kind of life tending towards perfection but yet in so base a way as that I made no account at all of Veniall Sinnes and for such as were Mortall it is true that although I feared them yet I did not euen that as I ought since I absented not my self from the danger therof but I will be bold to say that it is one of the most painefull kindes of life that can possibly be imagined For I neither enioyed the sweetnes of God nor yet the satisfaction of the world When I found my self in the contentments of the world the remembrance of what I owed to God gaue me paine and whilst I was conuersing with his Diuine Maiestie the inclinations affections of the world gaue me disquiet And this is a kinde of warre so very painefull that I know not how it was possible for me to finde meanes to endure it for one moneth and much more how I could doe it for so manie yeares notwithstanding that I yet clearly see the great mercie which Almightie God shewed me heerin since I was to treat of manie things in the world that still I should haue the courage to giue my self to Prayer I say courage for as for me I see not what one thing there is of so manie as are to be found in the whole world wherein there is need of a greater then to treat of committing Treasons against a King and to know that he knowes it well and yet neuer to goe out of his presence For howsoeuer it be very true that we are alwaies in the presence of Almightie God yet me thinkes that they who conuerse with him in Prayer are in his presence after a more particular manner for they are seeing then that he sees them whereas others may perhaps remaine some dayes in his presence and yet without remembring that he lookes vpon them True it is that within that time there were I beleiue manie moneths and sometimes peraduenture a whole yeare that I kept my self from offending our Lord and gaue my self much to Mentall Prayer and I also vsed some yea and manie diligences that I might neuer grow more to offend him And because all that which I write now is to be deliuered with entirenes of truth I declare my self heer as you see But I remember little of those good dayes and therefore it may be thought they were few and the ill ones manie yet few of those few passed away without my allowing a good long time for Prayer vnlesse I were either very sick or extreamly busie The worse I was in my health the more I was vnited with God and I procured that such persons as vsed to be with me at those times might be so too and I begged it of our Lord and we spake very often of him And so vnless it were that one yeare of which I haue spokē in eight and twentie yeares which haue passed since I beganne first to vse Mentall Prayer I haue endured this battaile and strife of treating both with God and the World more then eighteen yeares In those other yeares whereof I am yet to speake the cause of the warre was changed though of it self it was no inconsiderable thing but in regard that I was then as I conceaue in the seruice of Almightie God and in a knowledge of the vanitie of whatsoeuer this world can be it did all proue delightfull and pleasant as I will shew heerafter Now the reason why I haue related all this is First as I was saying before to the end that the mercie of Almightie God togeather with my ingratitude may be well discerned And Secondly that it may be also vnderstood how great a blessing Almightie God doth to that Soule which he disposes to vse Mentall Prayer with a good affection and will though yet it should not be so very well disposed for it as were fitt for in fine if he perseuer therein what Sinne soeuer he committ and whatsoeuer Temptation be offered and whatsoeuer Falls be giuē him in a thousand strāge fashions by the Diuel I hold in fine for certaine that our Lord will draw him at length out of the Storme into the Port of Saluation as now by all apparance he hath drawne me and I humbly beseech his Diuine Maiestie that I may neuer returne againe to be lost Manie holie and good men haue written of the benefit which he obtaines who exercises himself in Prayer I meane Mental Prayer and glorie be to Almightie God for being the cause thereof and yet if that were not true though I haue little humilitie yet am I not withall so insolent as that I would presume to speake vpon this subiect But of that whereof I haue some experience I may vet presume to say somewhat and it is this That whosoeuer hath begunne to frequent the vse of Prayer I wish him not to giue it ouer whatsoeuer sinnes he committ in the meane time since this is the meanes by which he may recouer himself againe which he will find to be of much more difficultie without it And let not the Diuel tempt him to leaue it as he did me vpon a pretence of humilitie but let him firmly belieue that his words can neuer want truth who sayd That if we will repent our selues in good earnest and resolue to offend the Diuine Maiestie no more he restores vs to the same friendship which we had before with him and doth vs the same fauours vvhich he did vs before and sometimes they proue to be much greater if the repentance deserue it And vvhosoeuer hath not yet begunne this exercise I beseech him for the loue of our Lord that he vvill no longer depriue himself of so great a benefit There is nothing to be feared heer but much to be desired For though a man should not proceed so farr as to striue to gaine such perfection as may prepare and as it vvere deserue those gusts and regalo's vvhich God is vvont to giue to such persons yet the least vvhich he shall get vvill be that he shall be going on in the vvay to Heauen And I know so much of the mercie of Almightie God that I may conclude for certaine enough that no bodie euer tooke him for a friend whome he did not well requite for his paines For Mentall Prayer is no other thing in my opinion then a Treatie about making Friendship with Almightie God and a frequēt and priuate Commerce hand to hand with him by
our Lord himself beares their charges since for the little paines they take he giues them so much gust that so they may the better be able to endure the taking of that paines in his company Of these gusts which our Lord is pleased to giue to such as perseuer in the exercise of Mentall Prayer there shall be more discourse heerafter and I will not make it heer Only this I will be bold to say that of all those so great fauours which it euer pleased our Lord to doe me the verie Gate was Prayer and if that come once to be shut I know not how God shall doe vs fauours For though he should haue a minde to enter into a Soule to regale both it and himself in it there is no meanes by which to doe it since he must haue it all to himself and it must be cleane and pure and it must also haue a great desire to receaue fauours And if our selues on the other side bring manie impediments and take no course to remoue them how shall we euer thinke he can come to vs and how can we conceaue that he will help vs Now to the end that his mercie may be seen and the great benefit which it was for me not to haue giuen ouer my Praying and Reading I will heer declare since the vnderstanding of it imports so much what batterie the Diuel raises against a Soule to gaine it and what diligences and as it were art and mercie is vsed by B. Lord for procuring to reduce it to himself that so others may preserue themselues from those dangers from which I kept not my self And aboue all things I humbly desire men for that great loue wherewith our Lord goes endeauouring to winne vs back againe to himself that they will keep themselues carefully out of the occasions of Sinne for when once we are engaged therein there is no trust or confidence to be had where we are encountred and assaulted by so manie enemies whilst we the while are subiect to such weaknes which disables vs to make anie defence I would faine be able heer to make a draught and description of that captiuitie wherein my Soule was at those times for I well vnderstood my self to be in captiuitie and yet I could not tell very well to what I whas a Slaue nor could I entirely belieue that that which my Confessours thought fitt to aggrauate no more was so very ill as yet I was apt to find it A certaine person told me when I went to him once with a scruple that although I were in state of vsing high Contemplation yet such occasions and conuersations were of no inconuenience to me This hapned to me towards the latter end when I by the fauour of God vvent separating my self more and more from great dangers but yet I did not vvholy auoid occasions But now vvhen they obserued my good desires and my exercise of Mentall Prayer they thought I did great matters but as for me my Soule vnderstood vvell enough that it vvas not so much as to performe what I vvas obliged for one to vvhome I owed so much I haue now both pittie and grief to consider hovv much my Soule suffered at that time and the little help it gott from anie but Almightie God besides the great facilities and ouuertures vvhich they made for me towards certaine pastimes and contentments by making me belieue that they vvere lavvfull But novv the torment also vvhich I had by hearing Sermons vvas not little for I had a great affection to heare them in such sort that if I savv anie man preach with spirit very well I carried a most particular affection to him and that without anie endeauour of mine nor doe I know how I came to haue it Me thought no Sermon seemed so ill to me which I could not gladly heare though others would be of opinion that he preached not well but then if the Sermon were good it gaue me a very particular satisfaction To speake of God or heare him spoken of did in effect neuer wearie me I meane after I had once begunne to vse Mentall Prayer Yet on the one side I was much comforted with hearing Sermons but on the other side they tormented me because I vnderstood thereby that I was not by manie degrees anie such Creature as I ought to haue been I humbly begged of our B. Lord that he would help me but I belieue by what I can now coniecture that I was wanting in the point of placing all my confidence in his Diuine Maiestie and totally disconfiding in my self I sought for remedie and I vsed manie diligences but I vnderstood not that all is good for nothing vnless first we stripp our selues entirely of all confidence in our selues and lodge it all vpon Almightie God I desired to liue a true life for then I vnderstood well enough that indeed I did not liue but that I fought with the verie shaddow of death But there was no bodie who would giue me life and as for me I was not able to take it and he who was only able to giue it had no reason to bring me succour since he hauing drawne me to himself so very often I had yet forsaken him THE NINTH CHAPTER She declares by vvhat meanes our Lord beganne to avvake her Soule and giue her light in so great darknes and to strengthen also her Vertues that so she might offend him no more BVt now my Soule was already growne to be very wearie and yet the ill habits which I had made the ill customes which I had vsed would not permit her to be vnwearied and take rest It hapned to me one day vpon my going into the Oratorie that I saw a Picture vvhich had been brought in thither to be kept for they had borrowed it to serue for a certaine Festiuitie vvhich vvas to be celebrated in the House about that time The Picture vvas of Christ our Lord full of vvounds soares and it vvas so deuoutly made that vvhen I looked vpon it it moued me much for it represented very vvell vvhat he had endured for vs. And the sense of the little gratitude to our Lord vvhich I had conceaued and expressed for those vvounds of his vvas such that me thought my verie hart did euen splitt And I cast my self earnestly downe neer the Picture vvith a great showre of teares beseeching our Lord humbly and earnestly that he vvould strengthen me so farre once for all as that at length I might offend him no more I was besides very much deuoted to the glorious S. Marie Magdalen and I thought much and often of her Conuersion and especially vvhensoeuer I receaued the B. Sacrament For knowing at that time that our Lord vvas most certainly in my verie bosome I placed my self at his feet as conceauing that my teares vvould not be despised by him I know not very vvell vvhat I sayd but yet I know that he vvho vvas pleased
that I should shed those teares did shew me fauour enough for his part since I forgot the sense and tendernes thereof so soone And I recommended my self to that glorious Saint that she might help me to obtaine pardon of my Sinnes But I conceaue that I profited the more in that last time vvhen I prayed before the Picture because then I vvas growne into very great distrust of my self and placed all my confidence in Almightie God To my thinking I told him then that I vvould neuer rise from thence till he granted me the humble Suite which I had made and I am fully of opinion that it did me good for I haue gone improuing much euer since that time Now I continued to hold this manner of Prayer because not being able to discourse with my Vnderstanding I procured to represent Christ our Lord to my minde as being then within my verie self and Ieuer also found it to proue better with me in my opinion when I conceaued my self to find him all alone For he being alone and I being so much afflicted me thought he was to admitt me yea and to assist me too as a person who was in necessitie and miserie Of this kind of Simplicities I had manie and in particular I vsed to find my self very well in the Prayer of the Garden yea and I was in my kingdome when I might accōpanie him there I thought also much vpon that Sweat togeather with the great affliction which he sustained then and I wished that I might haue been permitted to wipe that most painefull Sweat from his face but I remember how in fine I neuer durst resolue to presume to doe it so grieuously did my Sinnes represent themselues to me Howsoeuer I remained there by him as long as my thoughts would giue me leaue but the truth is I had store of such as tormented me Most nights during manie yeares before I went to rest and when I was recommending my self to God ere I slept I euer thought a little vpon this passage of his Prayer in the Garden and that euen before I was a Religious woeman for they told me that I might gaine manie Indulgences by it and at least I am of opinion that my Soule got much by this meanes because thus I beganne to make Mentall Prayer euen without expresly knowing what it was and then it was as vsuall for me not to omitt this custome as not to faile of blessing my self with the Signe of the Crosse before sleep But to returne to what I was saying of the torment which my thoughts were wont to giue me This māner of proceeding without discourse of the Vnderstāding hath this in it That the Soule must both gaine much and loose much I meane all consideration and discourse is lost for as for profiting they profit much who vse it since all such Prayer is Loue. But to ariue to this point pitch it will cost euerie bodie a great deale of paines except such as our Lord vouchsafes to conduct in a short time to Quiet Prayer of which kind I know some and for them who goe by this way it will be good to haue some Booke or other at hand that so they may recollect themselues quickly As for me it did me also good to looke vpon Fields or Flowers or Water for in these things did I find the memorie of our Creatour as I also did in mine owne ingratitude and Sinnes all which particulars were wont to awake me and recollect me and to serue me in stead of a Booke for as for Heauen and such high things as that my Vnderstāding was so dull that I could neuer I say neuer be able to haue or frame anie imagination or fancie concerning them till our Lord represented them to me by other meanes And I had so very little abilitie to represent things to my minde by way of the vnderstanding-part that my Imagination serued me not to worke vpon anie thing but only what I saw with mine eyes which yet others are able enough to doe who know how to forme certaine representations of things to themselues vpon which they can recollect their thoughts For my part I could only thinke vpon Christ our Lord as man but yet it is very true that how much soeuer I read of his Beautie or saw his Pictures yet could I neuer represent him to my self but iust so as one who were either in the darke or els stark blind might be able at that verie time to represent anie other person to himself For though such an one may speake with such another know that he is with that person because he is sure that the sayd person is there yet in fine he doth but vnderstand and belieue him to be there for he sees him not and in this sort did it happen to me when I thought of our Lord. Vpon this reason was I so great a friend and fauourer of the vse of Images or holie Pictures Miserable Creatures are they who loose this benefit through their owne fault And it appeares also well enough that they doe not loue our Lord for if they loued him they would be glad to see his Picture as heer it giues vs contentment so see the pictures of those persons whome we loue About this time they gaue me the Confessions of S. Augustin and it seems our Lord did so ordaine it for neither did I procure them nor had I euer seen them I bare a very great affection to this Saint because the Monasterie where I liued before I grew to be Religious was of his Order and besides in regard that he had been a Sinner for I alwaies found particular comfort in those Saints who after hauing been Sinners were conuerted to our Lord as conceauing that I should haue help by their meanes and that our Lord might also be induced to forgiue me as he had done them Saue only that I was discomforted by this consideration as I haue sayd before that our Lord called them but once and they returned not to fall from him anie more but as for me I had falne so often that it afflicted me to the verie hart But yet still when I considered the loue he bore me I grew to be encouraged againe for I neuer distrusted his mercie though I doubted of my self very often O my deare Lord how mightily doth that obstinate stiffnes amaze me to which my Soule must needs haue been subiect whilst it receaued so manie helps at thy hand and all in vaine And it strikes me with much feare to consider how little I was able to winne vpon my self all that while and how I remained still bound vp from resoluing to giue my self vvholy to thee But vvhen once I beganne to read the sayd Confessions me thought that Case vvhich had been his vvas also now directly mine owne and I recommended my self much to that glorious Saint But vvhen I came aftervvard to his Conuersion and read hovv he heard that Voice
in the Garden it vvas to my thinking as if our Lord had made it to be vttered for me so quick vvas that sense vvhich I had therof in my hart and I vvas for a very great vvhile euen dissolued as it vvere in teares and felt a great affliction and vexation O my deare Lord hovvmuch doth a Soule grovv to suffer and vvhat torments doth it endure for the loosing of her libertie vvhilst yet she vvas created and ordained to be the Ladie of her self and to command For my part I am in a wonder how I could be able to endure so great torments But blessed be Almightie God who gaue me life till I might get out of that so deadly a death And now me thought my Soule was obtaining great strength at the hands of that Diuine Maiestie and that now he might grow to be pleased to heare my Outcryes and haue compassion of my so manie teares Vpon this my affection to spend more time with him beganne to encrease and to take my self also out of the way of ill occasions for when they once were gone I began to loue his Diuine Maiestie againe At least I thought I might conclude my self then to loue him but the truth is that I vnderstood not as I ought to haue vnderstood in what the true loue of God did consist and to the best that I am able to iudge I did euen scarce make an end of disposing my self finally to resolue to serue him when his Diuine Maiestie began already to vouchsafe me new Regalos and Fauours And it seemes that what others must be glad to endeauour to get with much labour our Lord was faine to find meanes to make me content to accept which was in these latter yeares to delight and regale me in great measure I neuer presumed to desire that he would giue me euen so much as anie tendernes of deuotion but I only begd so great mercie as might winne him to allow me pardon for my sinnes already committed and so much grace as that I might committ no more But I seing how great they were durst neuer aduisedly desire anie regalo's or spirituall delights at his hands for me thought he shewed me pittie enough and it was really a very eminent mercie to consent that I should ariue to be in his presence considering how well I knew that if himself had not procured it I should neuer haue come Only once in my whole life I remember that whilst I was in great drynes of Deuotion I desired him to giue me some little spirituall gust but as soone as I reflected vpon what I had donne I remained so full of confusion by it that the onlie vexation I had to see my self with so little humilitie did giue me that verie aduantage which I had presumed to beg I was not ignorant that it might be no way an vnlawfull thing to desire it but I conceaued that this was true for them vvho vvere vvell disposed to receiue it by their hauing procured true deuotion vvith all their power vvhich consists in not offending Almightie God and in being inclined and resolued to doe all that vvhich vvas good And mee thought those teares of mine vvere but faint and feminine teares and vvithout anie force or strength since I obtained not that by them which I desired though yet vpon the whole matter I also belieue that they were vsefull to me as I haue sayd For in particular after those two seuerall times of that so great compunction and trauaile of hart which I had I beganne to giue my self more to Prayer and to interest my self lesse in such things as might doe me hurt though yet I did not vtterly giue them ouer but God as I was saying went helping me to withdraw my self out of those dangers For his Diuine Maiestie did but expect some preparation or disposition in me that so his Spirituall Fauours might grow on in such sort as I shall relate our Lord being not accustomed to grant them but to such as maintaine their Consciences in more puritie then mine had formerly possessed THE TENTH CHAPTER She beginnes to declare the Fauours vvhich our Lord did her in Prayer and speakes of that vvherein vve may be able to help our selues And hovv much it also imports vs to vnderstand the said Fauours vvhich our Lord is pleased to doe vs. She humbly desires of him to vvhome she sends this account of herself that vvhatsoeuer she shall declare from hence forvvard may remaine in secret vvith him since he had commanded her to set dovvne in so particular a manner the Fauours vvhich our Lord vvas pleased to doe her I Enioyed sometimes as I sayd some beginnings of that which I shall now declare though it vsed to passe away very quickly It fell out in this representation whereof I spake when I placed my self neer Christ our Lord yea and sometimes also when I would be reading that there would come suddainly vpon me and without either expectation or anie immediate preparation on my part such an euident feeling of the presence of Almightie God as that I could by no meanes doubt but that either he was within me or els I all ingulfed in him This was not in the manner of a Vision but I thinke they call it Mysticall Theologie and it suspends the Soule in such sort that she seems to be wholy out of her self The Will is in act of louing the Memorie seems to me to be in a manner lost the Vnderstanding in my opinion discourses not although it be not lost yet it workes not in that kinde as I was saying but remaines as it were amazed to consider how much it vnderstands though yet it pleases God that it vnderstand it self also not to vnderstand fully anie part of that which his Diuine Maiestie represents to it Before this time I had been vsed to finde a very constant and continuall tendernes or sweetnes which I thinke may in some part be procured and it is a regalo which is neither wholy sensuall nor wholy spiritual but it is wholy the guift and blessing of Almightie God and it seemes that we may greatly help towards the obtaining this for our selues by considering our owne basenes and the ingratitude which we vse towards Almightie God how much he did for vs his Passion and grieuous Torments his whole Life which was so full of affliction to delight our selues in considering his Workes and his Greatnes how much he loues vs and manie other such things as these vpon which whosoeuer shall haue care to profit will be able to fall manie times though yet he haue iust then no particular designe that way And if togeather with these reflections the partie fall out to be possessed and seazed with anie loue of Almightie God the Soule will be all regaled the hart will be full of tendernes and relenting and teares will also abound which sometimes we shall seem to haue gotten as it were by force and at other times
delighting and enioying though yet still both the First and the two Middle ones and euen the Last haue all of them their seuerall Crosses to carry yet in a different kind But in fine all they who will follow Christ our Lord must goe by that verie way where he went vnlesse they will haue a minde to be lost And happie are those troubles which be endured heer since euen heer they are so superabundantly recompensed and payd I must now serue my self of some Comparison which yet I would be glad to forbeare in regard that I am a woeman and would faine set that downe very simply and plainly which they command me to say But this language of Spirit is so very hard to be declared by such as are vnlearned like me that I must seek some particular way how to doe it And it is likelie that I shall seldome hitt tight in making the Comparison serue but in that case it may passe for your recreation to see how very improper and rude I am To my remembrance I haue either read or heard this Comparison which followes heer for my memorie is so very imperfect that I know not how nor vpon what occasion I mett with it first but it contents me at least for the present in order to what I haue in hand He who beginnes in the way of Prayer must conceiue that he is beginning to frame an Orchard or Garden for the contentment and delight of his Lord though yet it be in a very vnfruitfull Soile and full of Weeds His Diuine Maiestie now is he who must be pleased to plant good Hearbes and root the ill ones vp But now wee will make account that this is done already in our case when a Soule not only resolues to vse Prayer but hath already begunne to vse it And now by the help of our Lord we must procure like carefull Gardners that these good Herbes which are planted may grow and we must take care to water them that so they may not wither but may come to yeild Flowers of so excellent odour as may serue to be of recreation to this Lord of ours that so he may take pleasure to come often into this Garden of his and delight himself amongst these vertues of our Soules Now let vs see in what sort these Flowers may be watred that so we may come to vnderstand what we are to doe and what trouble it is likelie to cost and whether the gaine will proue to be more then the labour and how long it will be likely to last As for me it occurrs to me to thinke that these Plants may be watred by fowre wayes Either by drawing water out of a Well which wee cannot doe without much labour or by way of a Wheele with certaine little Buekets belonging to it which is easily turned about by the hand and my self haue drawne some thus now and then and I find that it brings vp more water with lesse trouble then doth that of the former way Or els by meanes of letting in some little Brooke or Riuer into the Garden and by this meanes the Garden is watred much better then by the former and the earth remaines with more moisture and there will not be need to water it so often and the labour also of the Gardner is much lesse Or els in fine when there falls a good Showre of Rayne vpon the Garden for then the Lord himself waters it without anie labour at all of ours and this is without comparison the very farr best way of all the fowre But now for applying these foure wayes of vseing Water whereby this Garden of ours is to be preserued because a Garden without water is to perish that which me thinkes is to our purpose is that we may by this Similitude declare somewhat of these foure degrees of Prayer into which our Lord through his goodnes hath sometimes brought my Soule And I humbly beseech him of his mercie that I may hitt right vpon what I am about to say in such sort as that it may be of vse and profit to one of those persons who commanded me to write thus much and whome our Lord hath drawne further on in foure moneths then I was able to get in seauenteen yeares But certainly he disposed himself better and so the Gardner hath watred his Orchard without anie trouble at all to the Partie with all these foure kindes of Water though the last of the foure haue not yet come to his turne but by drops But the busines goes on in such sort that by the fauour and help of our Lord he will quickly ingulfe himself therein and I shall be hartily glad if he laugh at me in case he finde the manner of my declaring this Point in question to haue been impertinent Of them who beginne to hold Prayer we may say that those are the persōs who draw water out of the Well which vses to be very troublesome as I haue sayd for they are likelie to take much paines about recollecting their Senses which hauing been vsed to wander and goe scattered vp and downe it is wont to be of trouble enough These men haue therefore need to goe accustoming themselues not to desire to see or heare impertinent things and to obserue their howers of Prayer and to loue to be alone and to consider the life which they haue lead and to doe it hand to hand by themselues And though all these whether they be either of the First Degree or of the Last are to employ themselues vpon these thoughts very often yet there is to be of the more and of the lesse in these cogitations as I will shew afterward At first they are wont to be in some paine because they vse not to be fully enough satisfyed that they repent themselues sufficiently of their Sinnes and yet they faile not to doe it since they resolue to serue Almightie God in so very good earnest They must procure to meditate much vpon the Life of Christ our Lord though the Vnderstanding will perhaps be wearie of this But yet hitherto we may be able to be of some help to our selues I meane togeather with the fauour of our Lord for without this the world knowes well enough that we are not able so much as to haue a good thought Now This is to beginne to draw Water out of a Well and I pray God there fall out to be any but at least the fault is not ours if there be none since we endeauour to draw it and since we doe what we can towards the watring of these Flowers And Almightie God is so very good that when for reasons best knowne to his Diuine Maiestie yea and perhaps euen for our owne greater good he will haue this Well to be dry he is pleased so that still we doe our parts like good Gardners to sustaine these Flowers without anie Water at all and to make our vertues grow I meane heer by Water Teares whereof
a sweet repose or sleep of all the Powers which are yet neither totally lost nor yet doe they know how they worke This gust and delight and suauitie is greater beyond all comparison then the former for the Water of this grace gets-vp to the verie throat of the Soule in such sort that now it cannot goe forward nor knowes how to doe it nor yet would by anie meanes returne backward but enioyes an excessiue kinde of glorie It is as when a man is already with the Holie Candle in his hand so that now there wants very little of dying but it is of that verie death which is desired for she is enioying the greatest delight that can be imagined in that agonie of hers and me thinkes it is no other thing then euen to dye as it were entirely to all the things of this world and to be enioying Almightie God For my part I can thinke of no other tearmes wherewith to expresse it or declare it nor knowes the Soule at that time what to doe nor whether she should speake or be silent or laugh or weep It is a glorious kinde of Frensie and a Celestiall kinde of Follie where yet true wisdome is learnt and it is a most delightfull manner of enioying for the Soule in a Superlatiue Degree It is true that it may be about some fiue or six yeares since first our Lord vouchsafed to allow me this kinde of Prayer often and in great abundance and that I neither did either perfectly vnderstand it nor yet can exactly declare it and for my part I made account when I was come hither that I could say either little or nothing And yet I well vnderstood that this was not an entire Vnion of all the Powers of the Soule and yet still that it was clearly more then might be found in the former Degree of Prayer and yet withall I must euer confesse that I could not tell how to know and much lesse exactly determine what this differēce was But I well belieue that for the humilitie which your Reuerence hath shewed in being desirous to help your self by so great a simplicitie as mine our Lord gaue me this Prayer this day immediatly after my receauing the B. Sacrament yet without my being able to goe forward And he put these Comparisons into my head and taught me the manner how to expresse them and what the Soule is to doe in these cases and really I was amazed at it for I vnderstood all this busines at an instant Manie times I was as it were out of my self and as if I had been euen inebriated with this loue and yet I could neuer vnderstand how it was Only I knew very well that it was God but I could not tell the manner how he wrought in me at that time For it is the verie truth that the Powers are as it were all vnited though yet not so ingulfed but that still they worke and I haue been extreamly ioyed that at length I am come to vnderstand it and Blessed be our Lord for euer who hath regaled me in so high a degree These Powers haue only now abilitie to busie themselues totally vpon Almightie God nor doth it seem that anie of them now euen dares so much as houer or stirre not as it were breath if we doe not diuert our selues then with great endeauour yea and euen so me thinkes we can scarce doe it entirely at that time A multitude of words are conceaued heer by the Soule in praise of our Lord but yet so as that they are without anie order vnlesse our Lord himself be pleased to order them for at least the Vnderstanding serues heer for nothing The Soule would faine cry out in praise of Almightie God she is then in such condition as that she knowes not how to cōtaine her self This is now a very fauourie kinde of disquiet and now yea euen very now the Flowers open themselues to blossome and already doe they beginne to yeild their odour And heer the Soule would be glad that all the world might be able to see and vnderstand her glorie that so Almightie God might be praised and that they might be able to assist her therein and that she might giue them part of her ioy as not knowing how to enioy it all her self Me thinkes she is now to be like her of the Ghospel who had a minde to call-in all her Neighbours Or els like the admirable Spirit of the Royall Prophet Dauid who might feele some such thing in himself as this when he played vpon his Harpe and sung in honour and praise of Almightie God I find my self very much deuoted to this Glorious King and I wish that all the world were so especially all we who are Sinners O my deare Lord what kind of thing is a Soule when she findes her self in such a condition as this She would faine become all Toung to praise our Lord. She vtters a thousand holie impertinencies but yet she doth euer endeauour to hitt right in pleasing him who holds her there in that manner I know of a certaine person who though she were no Poet yet instantly did she happen to make certaine Verses all extempore which were very significant in the way of complaint declared her paine very well though they were not made by her owne Vnderstanding alone but for the better enioying that glorie which gaue her so delightfull a paine she complained thereof to her God She wishes that she might be all torne in pieces both in Bodie and Soule to shew the ioy she findes to feele this paine What tormēts could then be set before her which then she would not be glad to endure for the loue of our Lord She clearly sees that the Martyrs did very little on their parts when they suffered torments for the Soule knowes then very well that her strength comes to her by some other way then from her self But now what will she feele when she comes back to employ her witts vpon knowing how to liue againe in this world and to returne both to the cares and complements thereof And certainly me thinkes I am farre from hauing exaggerated anie thing concerning this manner of ioy which our Lord is pleased to make a Soule possesse euen in this place of bannishment for all that which I haue sayd of it is very poore and meane in comparison of what it is in it self Blessed be thou for euer O Lord and let all things praise thee for euer And be pleased O my King I most humbly beseech and begg at thy hands that since when euen now I am not wholy out of this holie Celestiall Frensie or follie which through thy goodnes and mercie and so wholy without anie merit of mine thou dost me the great Fauour to impart either all such persons as with whome I shall haue occasion to conuerse may be euen as it were madd fooles for thy loue or els dispose thou so of me as that
Benedictions and he will addresse your life by your Meditation vpon his for he is the best Originall and Patterne which we can possibly haue And indeed what can we desire more then to haue so perfect a Freind at hand who will neuer giue vs ouer in our afflictions and tribalations as they of this world are wont to doe Most Blessed is that man who loues him with all sinceritie of truth and who is alwaies carrying him close to himself Let vs looke vpon the Glorious S. Paul who seemes as if he could not suffer that euer the name of Iesus should be able to fall often enough from his mouth as one who did not faile to carrie it well imprinted vpon his hart And since I vnderstood of that other abstracted course whereof I spoke I haue reflected vpon diuerse great Contemplatiue Saints with much care and I find that they went no other way then this S. Francis she wes it plainly by the Wounds S. Anthonie of Padua by the Infant S. Bernard delighted himself much in the Humanitie of our Blessed Lord and so also did S. Katherine of Sienna togeather with manie other Saints as your Reuerence knowes better then I. This departing and abstracting ones self from all Corporeall Obiects should as it seemes be good since persons who are so Spirituall affirme it but yet in my opinion this must be vnderstood of Soules who are very Proficient in Spirit for till then it is euident enough that the Creatour is to be sought by meanes of the Creatures But yet I will vndertake nothing in this case since all depends vpon the Fauour which our Lord is pleased to shew to anie Soule That which I would faine giue to be vnderstood is that the most Sacred Humanitie of Christ our Lord must not be made to come into that account and let this point be well vnderstood wherein I would faine know how to declare my self When God is pleased to suspend all the Powers of the Soule in those kindes of Prayer which are related we haue seen plainly that this Presence of Christ our Lord is taken from vs whether we will or no and let it then be gone in a good hower for that kind of losse is a happie one whereby we come to enioy more of that which we conceiue our selues to haue lost for then the Soule employes her self wholy vpon louing him whome the Vnderstanding hath already endeauoured to know and she loues that which she did not fully comprehend and now ioyes in that wherein she could not also haue ioyed but only by loosing her self for her greater gaine But now that we should by tricks and of sett-purpose accustome our selues not to procure with our whole power to carrie alwaies in our eyes and I would to God it were alwaies this most Sacred Humanitie of Christ our Lord this I say is that which I like not since it is a way of making the Soule walke in the Ayre as we vse to say For it seemes that she hath no firme and stable resting-place howsoeuer she may make her self beleiue that she is full of God It is a great matter whilst we liue and are humane to procure to bring God to our selues Humane for this is that other inconuenience which I say there is for the first I beganne to say was a little want of humilitie in presuming to raise the Soule before our Lord raised her and not to content her self with meditating vpon a thing so pretious but that she will needs be a Marie before she haue taken the paines of Martha If our Lord himself be pleased that we be Marie there will be nothing to be feared though it should be vpon the verie first day of our doing him Seruice But yet let vs consider well of the matter as I thinke I was saying before for this small moate of little humilitie will make a shift to doe a great deale of hurt against profiting in the way of Contemplation But to returne now to the Second point We are no Angells but we haue Bodies and to desire to make our selues Angells whilst yet we are vpon earth and especially if they be so earthlie as I was is a kinde of follie or madnes But our thoughts in the ordinarie way haue need of a kind of leaning or resting-place though yet sometimes the Soule may goe so out of her self yea and manie times may be so full of Almightie God that perhaps she hath no neęd to recollect her self by meanes of anie thing created But this is not a thing so ordinarie and in businesses and persecutions and troubles when she cannot enioy so much Quiet and in the times also of Drynesse and dulnesse Christ our Lord is wont to be a very good freind For we consider him as man and we behold him full of weaknesses and afflictions and he is companie fitt for all good occasions and when once we are a little accustomed we shall finde him very easily kept close to vs though yet some such times will occurr as that we shall not be able to doe neither the one nor the other Vpon this reason it will be well to doe that whereof I haue spoken already namely not to pretend and procure any sensible consolation of Spirit but let anie thing ariue that will for it is no toy or trifle to embrace the Crosse of our Lord. This Lord of ours was forsaken by all manner of comfort and they left him all alone in his afflictions but yet let not vs doe so For he will reach vs his hand which can raise vs better vp then all our owne diligences would haue been able to doe and yet he will absent himself also when he shall thinke fitt and when he shall thinke it fitt he will also draw the Soule out of it self as I haue sayd before Our Lord is very well pleased to see a Soule with Humilitie introduce his Sonne for her Intercessour and he loues her so very much that euen when his Diuine Maiestie shall haue an inclination to raise her-vp to great Contemplation the same Soule may yet hold her self vnworthie and cry out with S. Peter Depart from me O my Lord for I am a sinnefull man I haue tryed this verie thing by experience and thus hath God conducted my Soule Let others therefore goe by some other short cutt as they please but that which I haue been able to vnderstand is that all this Ciment of Prayer is grounded vpon Humilitie and that the more the Soule is abased in that holie exercise the more is it exalted by Almightie God Nor doe I remember that euer he shewed me anie of those singular Mercies of which I shall speake afterward but when I found my Soule euen as it were annihilated with obseruing my self to be so very wicked Yea and sometimes his Diuine Maiestie tooke care to giue me to vnderstand certaine things towards the making me know my self so much the better which I could neuer haue told how to
to abuse and cosen so manie good men and I seemed to be so very wicked that me thought all the mischeifs and Heresies which had been raised and brought lately into the world were but the fruits of my Sinnes But this is a false kind of humilitie which the Diuel inuented of purpose for my disquiet to try if he could bring my Soule to despaire And I know so well by experience that this is a trick of the Diuel that now when he findes that I vnderstand him he torments me not so often heerin as he was wont The certaintie of this truth is clearly found by the restlesnes and disquiet wherewith he beginnes and by the bussling which he keepes in the Soule all the while it lasts and by the obscuritie and affliction which he brings to it and by the drynes and indisposition to Prayer which he leaues after it and in fine because it produces no good effect at all for he seemes euen to stifle the Soule and to bind euen the Bodie also vp that so it may be good for nothing whereas by true Humilitie though the Soule know it self to be wicked and is in paine to consider what we are and makes vs hold our Sinnes to be as great and as greatly to be exaggerated as hath been sayd and that they are felt indeed to be such yet comes not this kind of sense with anie tumultuous disorder nor doth it disturbe and vex the Soule nor obscure her nor giue drynes to her but rather it regales her and behaues it self in a very contrarie way with gentlenes with suauitie and with Light She is troubled in some sort on the one side euen for that she is comforted to see how great Fauour our Lord imparts to her in letting her feele that paine and to consider how well employed it is and the sorrowes for whatsoeuer she hath done against Almightie God But yet on the other side she exalts and admires his mercie she hath light wherewith to put her self to confusion and to praise his Diuine Maiestie for vouchsafing to endure her so long But in that other kind of Humilitie which the Diuel brings there is no light for anie thing which is good but it seemes as if God were readie to put all the world to fire and sword The Diuel represents the Diuine Iustice to the Soule and though he permit her to beleiue that God hath mercie for the Diuel hath no such power as to destroy her Faith yet hath she euen that in such sort that it is no comfort to her at all but rather when she beholds God's great mercie he makes it serue her for so much the greater torment because she seems to haue been obliged thereby to haue serued Almightie God so much the more This is an inuention of the Diuel and that of the most painefull and subtile and disguised that I haue euer found and therefore I would wish your Reuerence if perhaps he may procure to tempt you heerafter in this kind to looke vpon it with a Light in your hand and to procure to know him well if he leaue you vnderstanding enough for doing it And beleiue not heer that Knowledge and Learning will serue the turne for though I be in want enough of all that yet now when I am gotten out of his reach I am growne to vnderstand very well that all his discourse is but foolerie And that which I vnderstand also is that sometimes our Blessed Lord is pleased to giue way and permit it and he allowes him leaue to doe this as he did that he might try and tempt Iob though because I am so wicked he permits not that it be done to me with so much rigour It hapned to me once and I remember very well that it was vpon the day before Corpus-Christi Eue a Festiuitie to which I am deuoted though yet not so much as were fitt and at that time it lasted with me but one day but at other times for a weeke and a Forthnight yea and sometimes three weekes and peraduenture more and especially in the Holie Weekes which were wont to be my Regalo in point of Prayer that me thought he catched-vp and euen carried-away my Vnderstanding at an instant for certaine things sometimes so very triuiall and light that at other times I would but haue laughed at him for his paines and then he makes her stoope to whatsoeuer he lists and the Soule remaines as it were nayled to the place without being Mistresse of her self or being able to thinke of anie thing but those impertinent fooleries which the rempration represents and indeed they haue no substance at all nor doe they either bind or loose but serue only to choake the Soule in such sort as not to suffer her to subsist in her self And really it is true that it hath hapned to me sometimes to conceaue that the Diuells goe playing with a Soule as men would doe with a Ball and she the while is without anie meanes at all to deliuer her self out of their power Nor can it be expressed in what a deale of sufferance she is by this meanes She walkes in search of some defence and Almightie God permits that she may find none She only and euer remaines with the Facultie and Power of her Free-Will though yet not faire and cleare but as if a man had eyes which were shut or as if some person who had gone very often by anie way and so though it were night and darke yet by the markes which he had formerly taken knowes where he may be in danger to stumble because formerly he had seen the same pathes by day and so he secures himself from that danger In like manner doth it occurr to the Soule which now seemes but meerly by custome not to offend Almightie God for I speake not heer of that protection which our Lord affords her though yet that be the thing which imports most But in the meane time our Faith is deaded or at least layd asleep as the other vertues also are in such times as those though yet they be not vtterly lost for she well beleiues euen then that Doctrine which the Church teaches and she pronounces it also with her mouth whereas yet on the other side the Diuel doth so presse and dull this Faith that she seemes to haue but such a kind of knowledge of God as men haue a notice of things which are spoken of in their hearing but yet from very farre off Her Loue also is so very Luke-warme that if she chance to heare Almightie God spoken of she harkens in such a kind as to beleiue indeed that he is that which he is because the Church declares it but yet she hath vtterly lost all memorie of whatsoeuer she hath experimented of him in her self For her to goe and pray and remaine in Solitude is but to encrease her affliction for the torment which she feeles in her self and yet without knowing very well why is
be neuer so much alone though yet I feele still that I know there is a God and I find also that it is my Imagination and my Vnderstanding which doe me so much hurt in these occasions and cafes for as for my Will me thinkes it stands right in me and that it is disposed to all goodnes But this Vnderstanding of mine is so entirely lost that it seemes to be no other thing then some furious and madd kind of Foole whome no bodie is able to bind nor am I so farre Mistresse thereof as that I can make it quiet for one Credo Sometimes I fall on laughing and yet then doe I know my miserie and stand looking vpon my Soule and permit her to doe what she will and yet our Lord be thanked she neuer by anie meanes applyes her self to anie thing which is ill but only about things which are indifferent if there be anie thing which may occurr to be done either heer or there or anie where els But thus I come to know better the incomparable mercie which our Lord is pleased to shew me vpon his tying-vp this madd foole when we are in perfect contemplation And heer I consider what would become of me if such persons as hold me now for good could discerne me to haue these idlenesses and impertinencies which I haue described heer But now I haue very great compassion of a Soule to find her in so ill companie as this I would faine see her rather in libertie and I expresse my self in this manner to our Blessed Lord When O my God shall I ariue to see my Soule all conioyned and vnited togeather in celebrating thy praise that so all the Powers thereof may admire thee Permit not heerafrer O Lord that she wander vp and downe by peices for now it seemes no otherwise then as if euerie one of the same Powers were running vp and downe in a seuerall way These things passe thus very often and I vnderstand also very well that sometimes the little corporall health I haue contributes much to these inconueniences I also reflect much by these occasions vpon the hurt which the Sinne of our First Parent hath done vs for me thinkes it is growne from thence that we are incapable to enioy so great a good and mine owne sinnes are a great part of the cause for certainly if I had not committed so manie I should haue remained more entire and free towards the doing of good I was subiect also by times to another very great inconuenience for conceauing that I vnderstood all the Bookes that treat of Prayer which I came to read and that already our Blessed Lord had done me some such kind of fauour as that I needed them not for this reason I did not read them but applyed my self to read the Liues of Saints And finding my self also very short in that wherein they had so heroically serued Almightie God this seemed to doe me good and giue me strength but yet me thought this was a signe of little humilitie for me to thinke that I was already ariued to hold that degree of Prayer And not being able to quiet my self otherwise I continued much in paine till certaine learned men and particularly that blessed Creature Fray pedro de Alcantara declared to me that I was not to be troubled at that I am not ignorant that in the seruing of Almightie God I haue not yet so much as begunne though yet the way which his Diuine Maiestie hath held in doing me Fauours is the same which he hath vsed towards such as are good whereas for my part I am no more then a direct downe-right meer imperfection vnlesse it be in my desires to loue him for in this indeed I see well that our Lord hath done me Fauour that so I may performe some little thing for him I confesse me thinkes I loue him but my actions and the manie imperfections which I discerne therein giue me great discomfort At other times my Soule falls into a kind of Foolerie for so it is when me thinkes I doe neither good nor ill but follow on after the walke of others folkes and this neither with paine nor glorie nor with thought of life or death nor gust nor trouble yea me thinkes she feeles nothing at all but rather seemes to me to walke on like some little Asse who seeds and sustaines himself because they giue him somewhat to eate and he eates almost without thinking what he is doing For the Soule when she is in this state is not likely to be without feeding vpon some great Fauours of Almightie God since she is not troubled with liuing in so miserable a life as this but passes through it with patience and equalitie of minde but yet these motions and effects are not found by her in such sort as that the Soule is made to vnderstand her self by them It seemes now also to me to be as when men saile at Sea by the breath of a sweet and gentle Winde for then we ridd much way though we scarce know how Whereas in those other conditions the effects are so very great that the Soule doth almost instantly discerne her owne improuement for instantly doe her desires boile vp and the Soule can neuer satisfye her self but they to whome Almightie God imparts such impetuosities of Loue doe find such operations as these This is like certaine little Springs which I haue obserued to rise and where the Sand neuer ceases to moue vpwards And this example and comparison of Soules which be ariued to this state seemes very naturall to me For Loue will be euer boyling vpward and considering and deuising about what it may be able to doe and can by no meanes be contained in it self as it seemes the water whereof I spake is not able to continue in the earth which still is casting it vp from thence And iust so is it very vsuall for the Soule not to be at quiet or in contentment with her self through the loue she beares to Almightie God but she is so bathed and soaked and filled with it that she wishes that others would drinke too since for her part she cannot want that so they might assist her to sing the praises of Almightie God O how often doe I call to minde that liuing Water whereof our Lord spake to the Samaritan as indeed I am very much deuoted to that Ghospell And really it is most true that I was so euen from my childhood though I did not then vnderstand this benefit as now I doe but I often besought our Lord to bestow of this Water vpon me and alwaies I had the Image or Figure of it at hand with this Motto or Word of hers when he was so neer the Well Domine da mihi hanc aquam O Lord bestovv this vvater vpon me It seemes also to me that as a Fire which is very great needs matter vpon which to worke to the end that it may not be extinguished So also for
in it as I am not well able to expresse for it is an interiour delight which comforts my whole Soule and this is no meer imagination or fancie nor a thing which hath hapned to me only once but very often and when I obserue it with most attention me thinkes it is as if a bodie who were much troubled with heat and thirst should drinke a draught of very cold water which should refresh him euen to his harts desire And heervpon I also consider that all those things which be ordained by the Church are of great importance and moment and it is matter euen of much Regalo to me that those words which the Church vses and sayes should haue the power to make Holie-water become of so very different a condition from such other as is not hallowed by the Church But in the meane time when my torment would not cease I told them so who were present that so they might not laugh at me and calling for Holie-water they brought me some and sprinkled me with it but it did me no good Vpon that I sprinkled some towards the place where the ill Spirit was and then he went instantly away and I grew as instantly well as if they had stroaked my hurt off from me with their hands saue that I found my self as wearie as if I had been cudgelled extreamly But now it did me a very great deale of good to find that when our Lord giues the Diuel leaue he is able to doe such a deale of mischief to a Creature both in Bodie and Soule euen when they are not his or absolutly in his power for then what would he be able to doe when they should be wholy left to his disposing This gaue me also a very great desire to free my self from so ill Companie as that of the Diuel is At another time and that was lately the self-same thing hapned to me though yet it lasted not long but I was then alone and then I also called for Holie-Water and two Religious Woemen who were very well worth the beleiuing and would by no meanes be induced to tell an vntruth came-in thither after the Diuel was departed from thence and declared that they felt a filthie stinke as of brimstone For my part I smelt it not but they say it continued so long that others might also perceiue it Another time I was in the Quire and I came into a very great depth of Recollection and I went away from thence for feare least somewhat might be obserued But the Religious in the Quire who were neer the place where I was heard a noyse of very great blowes which were giuen and for my part I also heard those Spirits talke togeather close to me as if they had been agreeing about some busines of theirs though I knew not what in particular it was for I found my selfe in such depth of Prayer that I vnderstood them not in expresse manner neither yet had I anie feare of them at all But these things did ordinarily not ariue but when some Soule or other did receiue benefit vpon my perswasion and aduise And it is certaine that a thing hapned to me once which I shall now relate and there are manie witnesses of it in particular my Ghostlie Father to whome I Confesse my self now for he saw it in a certaine Letter without my telling him who it was that wrote it though yet he chanced to know it otherwise But the thing was this There came once a certaine person to me who had been in Mortall Sinne about some two yeares and a balf and he had committed one which was of the most abominable that euer I had heard of in my whole life and during all that time he neither Confessed nor reformed himself and yet he sayd Masse all the while And though he then Confessed his other Sinnes yet concerning that one he was wont to aske himself how it could be possible that euer he should Confesse so fowle a thing and yet he had a desire to free himself from it but knew not in fine how to effect it For my part I had great compassion of the man and much greif to see Almightie God so offended and I promised him to beseech our Lord to giue him remedie and that I would also entreat diuerse others who were much more likelie to preuaile then my self to become suiters to his Diuine Maiestie for him and accordingly I wrote to a certaine person about it this man letting me know that he could conuey my letter And it is certaine that heervpon he instantly Confessed his Sinnes and Almightie God was pleased at the instance of those many other holie persons to whome the busines had been recommended to extend his mercie to this Soule and my self also as miserable as I am did not faile to sollicit it the best I could But the man wrote a Letter to me declaring that he was reformed so farre already as that some good time had incurred wherein he had returned no more to that Sinne but yet that the torment was so great by the temptation which sollicited him that way that he accounted himself to be almost as it were in a kind of Hell so extreamly was he put to suffer by it and therefore that I must help him still with Almightie God Vpon this I recommended him againe to my Sisters the Religious of our Monasterie by meanes of whose prayers it seemes our Lord was pleased to doe me this Fauour for they tooke the matter very much to hart This man was a person of whome no one could guesse who it was and I humbly besought the Diuine Maiestie to appease those torments and temptations to which he was subiect and that those Diuels might be suffered to torment me in his place prouided alwayes that I might not offend our Blessed Lord in anie thing by it And it is very certainly true that shortly after this I endured most greiuous torments for the space of a moneth And these two particulars which I haue now related did happen then But our Lord in the meane time was pleased that they should leaue to afflict that person anie more for so men sent me word because I had already signifyed to them what had occurred to me during that moneth And as for him his Soule got strength daily and he grew to be absolutly free nor could he satisfye himself with giuing thankes not only to our Blessed Lord but euen also to me as if I had done somewhat therein But the truth is that the opinion which he had that our Lord did sometimes shew me Fauours was of benefit to him for he sayd that whensoeuer he found himself to be much assaulted and pressed he vsed to read my Letters and that presently therevpon he should find himself ridd of the temptation He grew to be much amazed to vnderstand of what I had suffered and how also himself came to be free yea and euen I came also to wonder at it
Lord with such an abundance of mercie had not dispatched all that busines alone For till he out of his owne goodnes did so your Reuerence will already haue seen that on my part there was nothing at all but only rising and falling ouer and ouer I would faine expresse this point home for I beleiue that manie Soules grow to be abused and deceiued because they haue a minde to fly before Almightie God giue them wings I conceiue that I haue formerly vsed this Comparison but it comes also very well in heer for I find that manie Soules are much afflicted vpon this occasion As namely when they beginne with great desires and resolutions to goe forward in the way of vertue and some doe euen giue-ouer all for loue thereof forasmuch as concernes exteriour things and yet see more aduantagious effects and fruits of such vertues as our Lord hath infused into the Soules of others who are more proficient then into theirs and that they cannot performe certaine things which are set downe in those Bookes which are written of Prayer and Contemplation which men are aduised to vse so to make themselues ascend vp the better and the higher to this dignitie And in fine when they cannot instantly obtaine these things they discomfort and afflict themselues As for example not to care a straw if anie bodie should speake ill of vs but rather to take more contentment in it then when they praise vs To haue very little esteeme of our honour To be perfectly vntyed from the care of kindred and friends and not to desire to conuerse with them but rather to be wearie of their companie vnlesse they be persons of Prayer And manie other things of this kind which must in my opinion come from the guift of Almightie God because I hold them for Supernaturall blessings and very contrarie to our owne Naturall inclination And therefore let them not be afflicted but put their trust in our Lord that so what now they haue in desire his Diuine Maiestie may be pleased to giue them afterward with effect and fruit by meanes of Prayer and by their doing on their part what they can For it is a most necessarie thing for this weake and poore Nature of ours to place a great confidence in our B. Lord not to put our selues out of hart nor to thinke but that if we will proceed with courage we shall be victorious and because I haue much experience heerof I will speake a word or two by way of aduise to your Reuerence For you must not thinke though it may appeare as if it were true that anie vertue is already gained vnlesse it be first compared and experimented by the Vice which is contrarie to it And we must alwaies remaine doubtfull and suspitious and not cast off our cares as long as we are the owners of our liues For our weaknesses stick close and fast to vs vnlesse as I was saying before the whole benefit be imparted to vs by Diuine grace to the end that we may know what all the things of this life are worth and that there is neuer anie such thing as can be tearmed all but in companie of manie dangers It seemed to me some few yeares agoe that not only I was not inordinatly tyed to the loue of anie of my kindred but rather that I was wearie of them and it is really very true that there were times when I would not so much as endure their conuersation But yet afterward there occurred a certaine busines of much importance which obliged me to remaine with a certaine Sister of mine whome formerly I had loued with very extraordinarie affection And now being come againe to conuerse with her we suited not so very well with one another For though she were better then I yet being of a different condition from mine in regard that she was married the conuersation was not alwaies that which I could haue wished and therefore I liked to be alone as much as conueniently I might But yet after a while I found that her troubles and affaires brought me more resentment and care by much then such others did as belonged to anie Christian neighbour of mine at large and this gaue me some little disgust against my self for so in fine I came to know that I was not so very free and vntyed as I had formerly conceaued and that moreouer I was to haue auoided the occasion to the end that so this vertue which our Lord had begunne to giue me might haue gotten strength and I haue procured through his Fauour to proceed in this manner euer since When our Lord beginnes to impart a vertue to a Soule it is to be held in great account and by no meanes are we to expose it to the danger of being lost So is it in those things which concerne reputation and honour and so also in others And your Reuerence may well beleiue that not all they and we who esteem our selues to be absolutly vntyed from all things are yet so indeed and we haue need enough not to be slack or negligent heerin For whatsoeuer person there be who feeles anie care at all of anie one point of Honour in himself let him beleiue me if he meane to profit in Spirit that there is euer a certaine tye at the end of it and it is by such a kind of chaine as that there is no File in the world but God and Prayer and very much endeauour on our part which will possibly be able to deuide it it seemes to be so fast a knot that I am amazed to see the mischeif which it brings Sometimes I see certaine persons who seem to be euen Saints by their workes for they doe so very manie and so great ones that the world doth euen admire them and exclame after this manner Deare God! and how comes it to passe that such a Soule as that doth still inhabit the Earth Is he not already at the verie top of Perfection What is this And what can detaine such a man from being a direct and downe-right Saint who doth so great things for God But my answer to this question is That this man hath yet perhaps some little consideration care of preseruing some point of Honour for himself yea and the worst of this busines is that he will by no meanes beleiue that in verie deed there is anie such thing And that happens because sometimes the Diuel makes him conceiue that he is euen obliged to haue a great care of it Well yet let them harken to mee I beseech them and euen for the loue of our Blessed Lord I begg of them that they will beleiue this poore little miserable Ant whome our Lord commands to speake That vnlesse they free themselues from this Caterpiller though perhaps it may not destroy the whole Tree because some other vertues doe still peraduenture remaine yet euen all those verie vertues will be worme-eaten nor will it euer be a beautifull
vvhich vvas but a kind of shaddovv of such things as are suffered in that place She beginnes also to declare the vvay and manner hovv that Monasterie vvas founded in Auila vnder the name of S. Ioseph AFter a long time when our Blessed Lord had already done me manie of those Fauours which I haue heer related as others also which were very great I found one day whilst I was in Prayer though I could not tell how that I was placed in Hell And I vnderstood that our Lord was pleased that I should see the place which the Diuels had prepared for me and which I had deserued for my Sinnes This lasted but a very little space of time but yet if I should liue manie yeares I hold it for an impossible thing that euer I should be able to forget it The entrie thereof seemed to me to be after the manner of a long and straite Lane or rather as if it had been a low narrow long and darke Ouen The ground seemed to be as if it had been like water all thickned with durt and it was both very filthie and of a most pestilentiall smell and had a multitude of loathsome vermine as flyes and wormes and such other vglie creatures in it At the end of it there was a certaine hollow place as if it had been a kind of a little Presse in a wall into which I saw my self crowded with great constraint Now all that was euen delightfull to the sight in comparison of what I felt there and this which I haue sayd of it already I also find to be very imperfectly described But as for the Feeling part the verie beginning to say what it was is a thing which can neither be well no nor euen almost at all related as it was indeed in regard that I felt a certaine fire in my verie Soule though yet I know not how to declare it as indeed it was For all those almost insupportable torments which I haue felt with all extremi tie in this life and whereof the Physitians are wont to affirme that euen in the Corporeall way they are the greatest which can be suffered in this world as namely that shrinking-vp of all my Sinnewes when I instantly grew lame by it besides manie other torments in seuerall kindes as also that I haue been vexed much by the Diuel are all no more then absolutly iust nothing in comparison of what I felt in that place besides my knowing with all this that no part of it was euer to cease but to continue without euer haueing an end And yet euen all this which I haue sayd is also nothing in comparison of that continuall agonizing of the Soule that pressing that stifling which is so very sensible an affliction togeather with that desperate kind of discontent and disgust and repining which I am no way able to expresse For to say that it is a continuall tearing of the Soule into fitters is to say little since in that case it seemes that it must be some other bodie who teares it but in this the Soule it self is the verie Executioner which euen teares it self There is besides all that another strange Ingredient which is that interiour kind of fire and that vnspeakable despaire vpon those intollerable torments and sorrowes I saw not who it was that inflicted these things but me thought I found my self to be sliced and minced and prest and burnt all at once And I say and say againe that that interiour fire and despaire is the very worst of it all Whilst I was in this most pestilentiall place and that without anie possibilitie of euer so much as once hoping for anie comfort at all there was no such thing to be thought of as sitting or extending my self nor is there anie place voyd to receaue one though yet they had put me into that thing which is like a hole in a wall because euen those verie walls which are also most hideous to the sight doe euen presse their verie selues close towards and vpon one another and euerie thing there helpes to choake There is also no light in that place but all is grosse and euen palpable darknes For my part I vnderstand not how this can be for with hauing no light at all yet all that which may be able to giue anie vexation to the Sight is discerned and seen Our Lord was not pleased at that time that I should see anie more of Hell but afterward I had another Vision of most fearefull things and of the punishment of certaine particular vices And forasmuch as I might be able to discerne and iudge of by the sight these seemed to be euen more hideous then the former but yet in regard that I felt not the paine of it they made me not so much afrayd For in this other present Vision our Lord was pleased that I should really feele those torments and afflictions in Spirit euen as if my verie Bodie had been suffering them there I know not how all this could be but yet I vnderstood well enough that it was a very great Fauour and that our Lord was pleased that I should discerne as euen by the verie sight of mine owne eyes from whence his great mercie had deliuered me For it is nothing to haue heard talke of it nor that at other times I had considered seuerall sorts of torments though yet I did it not often for I liked not that very well in regard of the feare it gaue me nor yet that the Diuels are wont to teare men in peices with hot pincers nor anie other thing whereof I had read for all in fine is nothing if once it be compared to this Since this is wholy another kind of thing and the torments of this world compared with this are no more then a meer Picture in comparison of the Life the verie burning which is felt in this world being but a verie trifle in respect of that other For my part I remained astonished and amazed at it and so I am euen whilst I am writing these things though it hapned to me six yeares agoe And it is a most reall truth that euen now in the verie place where I am but thinking of them the naturall heate of my bodie beginnes to faile me euen for verie feare Not doe I euer remember what passed then but that all my afflictions and troubles and whatsoeuer can be suffered in this life seemed nothing to me and so also me thinkes it seemes that in part we complaine heer without reason And therefore I say againe that this was one of the greatest Fauours that I euer receaued in my whole life at the hands of our Lord. For it hath benefited me very much both towards the making me loose all feare and care concerning the tribulations and contradictions of this life as also to giue me strength towards the enduring them and finally to render thankes to our Blessed Lord for deliuering me as now I
great preparation is also vsed and prouision made for euerie one of them who shall desire to enioy their Spouse Iesus-Christ our Lord hand to hand by liuing chearfully and euerlastingly in the sayd Rule For this is that verie thing which they are alwaies to resolue They alone with him alone and they are to be no more then thirteen for I see by the opinion of manie that this is fitt and I haue found it also to be true by experience That to preserue that Spirit which they haue and to liue of Almes without asking anie thing of anie Creature there will not be meanes for more And euer let them be beleiued best who with manie troubles of their owne and by meanes of the manie prayers of others procured that that might be done which was best And so also by the consideration of the great contentment and ioy and the very little care and trouble which we see euerie bodie to haue in this House as also by the much better health which now they haue then formerly they were wont to enioy it may be held and hoped that this course will fall-out to be most conueniēr And whosoeuer shall still conceaue that the way of life heer is too seuere and sharpe let him rather apply the fault to his owne want of Spirit then cast it vpon that Discipline which is obserued heer since persons who are of delicate constitution and haue no health of which to brag doe yet so easily obserue this Rule because they haue Spirit And let those others goe in God's name to some other Monasterie where they also may be saued according to the Spirit which they shall haue THE SEAVEN AND THIR TIETH CHAPTER She treates of the Effects vvhich vsed to remaine in her Soule vvhen our Lord had done her anie Fauour and she accompanies this Discourse vvith very profitable Doctrine She declares also hovv vve are to procure and greatly esteem the gaining of one degree of glorie more and hovv vve must not for anie trouble or paines forsake those benefits and blessings vvhich are euerlasting I Am loath to recount anie more of those Fauours which our Lord hath done me then such as I haue related already yea and euen they are more I doubt then need to be thought to haue been shewed to so miserable a Creature as my self but yet to obey our Lord who hath commanded it and your Reuerence also who expect it I will declare some things heer to his glorie And I humbly beseech his Diuine Maiestie that it may serue for the profit of some Soule to see that our Blessed Lord would vouchsafe so highly to fauour so wretched a thing as I am for then what will he not doe for such others as shall procure to serue his Diuine Maiestie in good earnest And euerie bodie will so be encouraged heerby to giue our Lord contentment and gust since euen in this mortall life of ours he vouchsafes to impart to vs such assurances and euen pawnes of his loue But first it is heer to be vnderstood that in all these Fauours which Almightie God is pleased to doe to a Soule there is euer more glorie or lesse as he himself is pleased to impart it more or lesse For the glorie and gust and comfort which he imparts is so much more in some Visions then in other as that I was euen amazed to find so great difference of enioying euen in this life For it happens that there is so great an excellencie belonging to some one Regalo or gust which our Lord imparts in some one Vision or in some one Rapt that it seemes an impossible thing to be able so much as to desire anie thing beyond it in this life nor doth the Soule indeed desire more nor would euen wish for more ioy and gust though yet since our Blessed Lord hath been pleased to giue me to vnderstand how great the difference is in Heauen between the glory which is enioyed by some that which is enioyed by others I am come to see very clearly that euen heer also there are no set limits in giuing when our Lord pleases And so could I also wish that there were no limits set in my doing Seruice to his Diuine Maiestie but that I would employ my whole strength and health and life vpon it that so I might not loose the least imaginable proportion of my enioying anie Celestiall blessing through anie fault of mine And heerin I declare my self thus farre That if this choice should be offered me Whether I would be subiect to all afflictions of the world euen till the end of the same world and then ascend by that meanes to the enioying of neuer so little more glorie or els without anie affliction at all to enioy a little lesse glorie I would most willingly accept of all those troubles and afflictions for a little more enioying that so I might also vnderstand more of the greatnes of Almightie God because I see that he who vnderstands more of him doth both praise him and loue him so much the more I say not but that I should be fully contented and should esteem my self very happie to be in Heauen though it were but in the most inferiour place thereof for our Blessed Lord would shew an abundance of mercie thereby to such an one as had been designed to Hell-Fire as I was and I humbly pray his Diuine Maiestie that he will not cast his eye vpon my great Sinnes but that in fine I may goe to Heauen But that which I say is this That if our Lord would giue me grace to labour much for him and if I were able to doe it I would not vpon anie tearmes how much paine soeuer it might cost me forgoe the gaine of anie thing in the way of Celestiall glorie by my fault miserable Creature that I am who had once lost it all through mine owne great Sinnes But heer it is also to be noted that in euerie Fauour or Vision or Reuelation which our Lord allowed me my Soule did still remaine with some great aduantage or gaine and sometimes with a gaine which was very extraordinarily great by meanes of some of my Visions For by my seing Christ our Lord his admirable and excessiue beautie remained imprinted in me and I haue it euen to this day for in such a case as this one onlie time serues the turne and therefore how much more when it happens so very often as our Lord hath vouchsafed to impart it to me In particular I remained with one which was extreamly considerable and it was this I was subiect to a very great fault by which much hurt came vpon me whensoeuer I beganne to obserue that anie one had a good inclination to me For if I liked him well I grew to carrie so much affection to him as that my memorie would bind me after a sort to be still thinking of him though yet it were not at all with anie intention to offend Almightie God
may not happen to me as it did to Lucifer who lost all by his owne fault Doe not permit this O my Lord I humbly pray thee euen by all that which thou art for it is no small feare which I haue sometimes though yet at other times yea and vsually the mercie of Almightie God giues me a very confident hope that since he hath been pleased to draw me out of so manie Sinnes he will not forsake me so now as to let me be lost And this doe I humbly pray your Reuerence that you will euer desire in my behalfe But in the meane time me thinkes that those precedent Fauours were not so very great as this which I will now apply my self to relate and that for manie reasons manie blessings also and in particular for that great courage strēgth which haue still remained in me vpon that account And therefore if those former may be considered euerie one by it self this other which I am going to relate will be found to be so very great as that there will be no comparison at all between them I was one day and the same fell out to be vpon the Vigil of Pentecost or VVhitsontide after Masse and I went to a more remote place where I often vsed to pray and I beganne to read in a certaine Booke of this Feast which had been written by a Carthusian And meeting there with those signes which both Beginners and Proficients and Perfect Soules vse to haue and how they may come to vnderstand whether the Holie-Ghost doe inhabit their harts or no as soone as I had read these three States it seemed to me that Almightie God through his goodnes did not leaue or faile to be present with me after a particular manner for as much as I might be able to vnderstand And whilst I was praising his Diuine Maiestie for that blessing I remembred that I had read the same thing formerly when I wanted very much of that condition of minde and then I saw that I wanted it as plainly as now I vnderstand the direct contrarie concerning my self But thus I came to know the great Fauour which our Blessed Lord had done me and from thence I grew also to consider the Place which my Soule had deserued in Hell for my Sinnes and I gaue great praise to Almightie God in regard that now me thought my Soule was so extreamly changed that I could hardly almost conceaue it to be the verie self-same thing which it had been before Being then in this consideration there came a great impulse or impetuositie vpon me without my being able to vnderstand the occasion thereof Me thought my verie Soule had a minde to get instantly out of my Bodie for now she could not possibly containe her self any longer nor found she her self at that time to be able to stay anie longer heer in the painefull expectation of so great a Good Now this was so excessiue an impulse or impetuositie that I could not possibly tell euen what to doe with my self nor so much as what I ayled so extreamly was I growne to be in disorder And though I were sitting then yet was I not able euen to sitt and so I applyed my self a little to leane for I found that all my naturall forces began to faile me But perceauing my self to be in this case I saw a Doue vpon mine owne head but such a Doue as was very different from them of this world for she had not of our kind of feathers but the wings were as of certaine little shells which darred a huge splendour from themselues This Doue was much greater then any ordinarie Doue and me thought I heard a noise which she made with her wings for she was fluttering about the space of an Aut Maria. But my Soule was already in such condition that growing to loose her self she also lost the sight of the Doue My Spirit did then beginne to quiet it self vpon the entertaining of such a Guest as she had gotten though yet for my part I imagined that so wondrous an encounter and accident as that was might well haue disquieted and frighted it But she beginning already to enioy layd quickly all feare aside and togeather with the self same ioy grew to haue quietnes withall but yet still remaining in the Rapt Now the glorie of this Rapt was extreamly great and I remained during the most part of the whole Festiuitie of Pentecost so stunned and euen as it were besorted and befooled that I knew not what to dot with my self nor was I able by anie meanes to vnderstand how so high and great a Fauour as this was could possibly find a resting place in me I neither heard nor saw in effect by reason of the great excesse of my interiour ioy I vnderstood how from that day forward my Soule remained with a very great encrease of improuement by enioying a more sublime loue of Almightie God and that my vertues also had gained a great encrease of strength Now let him be blessed and praised for all eternities Amen I saw also at another time the same Doue vpon the head of a certaine Father of S. Dominick's Order saue that me thought both the beames and the brightnes of the verie wings did spread and extend themselues much further and it was giuen me then to vnderstand that he was to winne Soules to God Another time I saw our Blessed Ladie putting a white long Garment vpon the back of a certaine Graduate of the same Order of whome I haue spoken formerly diuerse times and she told me that she had giuen him that Mantle for hauing assisted in the Busines of this House and that his Soule should be defended and preserued for the future in such puritie as that he should not fall into Mortall Sinne. And I assure my self it proued so for he dyed within few yeares after yea and he did both line and dye with so great Per nance and sanctitie that there can be no doubt thereof for anie thing that we are able to vnderstand And a certaine Religious man who had been at his death told me that S. Thomas of Aquin had been with him and that he dyed both with great ioy and with desire also to be deliuered from this bannishment wherein he was Since that time he hath appeared to me in very much glorie and told me diuerse things He was a man of so great Prayer that when a little before he dyed he would gladly haue forborne the exercise thereof through his great weaknes he was not able to doe it for euen then he had manie Rapts He wrote to me a little before he dyed about what course I thought he were best to take for helpe because euer as soone as he had done Masse he vsed to fall into Rapts which would last long without his being able to forbeare them But our Lord gaue him at length the reward of the great Seruice he had done him during his whole life Of
And I beleiue it had been more then a moneth wherein I did almost nothing els but begg of Almightie God that he would bring this Soule back to himself And being in Prayer one day I saw a Diuel hard by me with certaine papers in his hand which he was tearing and he seemed to be in a very great rage But this put me into much comfort because I conceiued thereby that my Suite was granted and so it was as I came to know afterward For the Partie had been at Confession and had done it with great Contrition and he returned in so very good earnest to Almightie God that I hope in his Diuine Maiestie he will euer goe aduancing in his Seruice And let him be Blessed for euer Amen In this particular of procuring our Blessed Lord to bring Soules out of greiuous Sinnes vpon my humble suite and of others who were brought manie times to more perfection and of freing Soules also out of Purgatorie and of doing other things also of great importance the Fauours of our Blessed Lord haue been so great that I should both wearie my self and my Reader if I would pretend to relate them And these things haue hapned oftner to me for the benefit of Soules then of Bodies and this is so very well knowne that it hath manie witnesses But then instantly there grew a kind of Scruple vpon me since I could not choose but beleiue that our Lord was pleased to doe diuerse things through my Prayer for in this case and at this time I abstract from his goodnes and mercye which is euer the cheif cause of all things but for the rest these are now so manie particulars and so well knowne by others that I haue no difficulty at all to beleiue them and I blesse his Diuine Maiestie for the same and they put me to great confusion because I still find my self to be more and more a debtour But that consideration makes my desire to serue him encrease and reviues my loue And which yet amazes me more those things which our Lord findes not to be conuenient I can scarce begg of his Diuine Maiestie euen almost although I would and if I doe it is with so little strength and spirit and care that although I would faine force my self yet it is euen impossible for me to doe it in these as I doe it in those others which his Diuine Maiestie hath a minde to effect for such I see I am able to begg often and that with great importunitie and though I carrie not the particular care of them about me yet me thinkes they come before me of themselues So that the difference between these two wayes of asking is so very great as I am not able to declare For though I aske in one of these kinds of things wherein I forbeare not to vrge my self to begg them of our Lord howsoeuer I feele not that kind of feruour in my self which I doe in those other and though they chance to import mine owne particular very much yet is it in effect but as when a man chances to be toung-tyed who although he would faine speake yet he cannot doe it and if he speake it is but in such sort as that he sees it cannot be vnderstood whereas the other is as when a man speakes cleare and plaine to a man whome he findes very willing to heare him Or els let vs say that one of those Fauours is begged as by a Vocall Prayer and the other as in a way of Contemplation which is so very sublime that our Lord represents himself in such sort as that we vnderstand that he vnderstands vs and that his Diuine Maiestie is ioyed to see that we begg anie thing of him that so he may doe vs fauour Blessed be he for euer who giues vs so much and to whome I giue so little For what O my Lord doth anie man who doth not euen defeate himself wholy for thee and yet hovv much hovv much hovv much and a thousand times more I might say hovv much am I wanting heerin And now vpon this reason I should not so much as once desire euen to liue though yet I haue other reasons also not to desire it because I liue not according to my obligation towards thee Nay how full doe I see myself of imperfections and with what faintnes and basenes doe I serue thee And really me thinkes sometimes I wish that I were euen depriued of sense that so I might not vnderstand so very much ill of my self as I doe Yet I beseech him to redresse it all who knowes so well how to doe it But I remember I spake before of my being in the House of a certaine great Ladie where I assure you folkes had good reason to haue their witts well about them and alwaies to be considering the vanitie which worldlie things carrie with them For she was a person very much esteemed and very much praised and there were temptations enow towards lesse perfection through much distraction whereby one might easily haue been shrewdly taken if I had looked vpon nothing but my self But he who iudgeth rightly and lookes vpon vs with true sight indeed was carefull not to giue ouer the keeping me euer safe in his hands And now when I am speaking of hauing a true and reall sight of things I remember and consider the great trouble which anie such person as whome it hath pleased Almightie God to endue with a knowledge of that which indeed is Truth must needs be put to when he is forced to treat with others about things which concerne this transitorie and troublesome world where all in fine is much disguised and masked as our Lord himself told me once But in the meane time manie of those things which I write heer are by no meanes of mine owne head but they haue been told me by that Heauenlie Maister of mine And because in all those things which I am wont to affirme after a direct and positiue manner I vse to expresse my self by these words This I vnderstood or els Our Lord told me this I find my self with a very great scruple of either adding or anie way altering so much as anie one syllable thereof And so whensoeuer I doe not most expresly remember euerie circumstance of anie thing of this kind which is to be related by me I am wont to deliuer that alwaies as in mine owne name Or els because sometimes they proceed from mine owne particular dictamens I vse not to call anie thing mine which is good in itself because indeed I am farre enough from being ignorant that anie such thing as is in me is good but I affirme only those things as in mine owne name and they are deliuered as by my self which did not come into my vnderstanding and knowledge by way of Reuelation But O my deare Lord and my God! and how often doth it happen to vs heer that euen in the most spirituall occasions we are resolued manie
in this Diamond it being such as that all things are shut-vp in it because there is nothing which can get out of that greatnes it was a thing extreamly to amaze me to be able to see in so very short a time so manie things togeather in this bright Diamond And so was it also matter of extreame compassion and greif for me euerie time that I remember my self to haue seen that things so very vglie and fowle as my sinnes were should be representted and shewed in that so clearnes of light And the truth is that whensoeuer I remember it I know not how it comes to be possible for me to endure it and I did really then remaine so extreamly out of countenance and ashamed that me thinkes I could not tell where to hide my head O that some Creature or other were able to giue this Truth to be well vnderstood by these people who commit dishonest filthie sinnes that so they might come to know that they are not secret and that Almightie God hath reason to be very sensible of those wrongs since they are acted so truly in the presence of his Diuine Maiestie and that we carrie our selues with so base irreuerence before him I saw heer also how iustly Hell is deserued for anie one Mortall Sinne because it is past our power to vnderstand what a most greiuous crime it is to commit it in the presence of so great a Maiestie and what an vnspeakable distance and dissimilitude is found between that which he is and that which our Sinnes are and how it appeares euen heerby so much the better how great his mercie is since notwithstanding he knowes all this he yet endures vs. It hath also made me consider that if such a Vision as this can leaue the Soule so extreamly astonished and amazed what kind of thing will the Day of Iudgement proue to be when this Maiestie of Almightie God will shew it self with all clearnes and so we shall also clearly see what kind of things our sinnes were which we committed against him O my deare God! what blindnes is this which hath seazed me And I haue often been amazed euen whilst I haue been writing this and your Reuerence need be amazed at nothing but how I am able euen to liue whilst I am looking both vpon these things and my self But let him be eternally blessed who hath vouchsafed to endure such things at my hands Being once in Prayer in very great recollection and with much quietnes and sweetnes me thought I was all emcompassed with Angells and very neer to Almightie God and I beganne to be an humble Suiter to his Diuine Maiestie for the benefit and aduantage of his Church And he gaue me to vnderstand the much good which a certaine Order should doe the world in these latter times and the great courage wherewith the Members thereof should defend and vphold the Catholique Faith Being once in Prayer neer the Blessed Sacrament there appeared to me a certaine Saint whose Order was in some decay He had a great Booke in his hands which he opened and willed me to read certains Letters in it which were very legible and large and they sayd thus In future times this Order shall flourish and haue manie Martyrs Another time being at Matins in the Quire six or seauen persons were represented and set before me and I held them to be of the same Order and they had Swords in their hands And I conceaue that I was giuen thereby to vnderstand that they should defend the Faith For being in Prayer another time and rapt in Spirit me thought I was in a very spauous feild where manie were who fought and they of this Order did also fight with great feruour They had their faces beautifull and much inflamed and they beate multitudes of men downe to the ground and killed others This battaile seemed to be giuen against Heretiques I haue seen this Glorious Saint diuerse times and he hath told me some things and giuen me thankes for the Prayers which I make for his Order and he hath promised that he will recommend me to our Blessed Lord. I specifye not the seuerall Orders heer least some should be offended at it and if our Lord shall thinke it conuenient he may declare them But euerie Order should procure and so should euerie particular man of euerie Order that in so great a necessitie as that wherein the Church is at this time they might be able to serue her For happie are those liues which may come to loose themselues vpon this occasion A certaine person desired me once to beg of Almightie God that I might vnderstand whether or no it would be for the Seruice of his Diuine Maiestie that he should take a Bishoprick I did so and our Lord made me this answer after I had Communicated VVhen he shall vnderstand vvith all clearnes and truth that true Dominion consists in possessing nothing he may take it then Giuing thereby to vnderstand that whosoeuer is to be a Prelate must be very farre from so much as desiring it and yet further from procuring it These Fauours and manie other also haue been and are still very ordinarily shewed by our Blessed Lord to this sinnefull Woeman which me thinkes are not very necesarie to be related since by those which are deliuered already my Soule togeather with the Spirit which our Lord hath giuen me may be vnderstood But let him be euer blessed who hath had so much care of me He told me once by way of comforting me that I must not afflict my self and this he did with most tender loue for that in this life of ours we could not possibly be alwaies after the same manner but that sometimes I would be in feruour and sometimes without it Sometimes with vnquietnes and temptations and Sometimes without them and in peace but that I must hope in him and feare nothing Being one day in thought and doubt whether it were not a kind of being tyed to Creatures to be glad to be with such persons as with whome I treat the busines of my Soule and to loue both them and others also whome I find to be the Seruants of Almightie God and to receaue comfort by being with them he told me that if when a man is dangerously sick the presence of a Phisitian seemes euen to restore him to health it would not be a vertue to forbeare to be glad of him and to loue him And what sayd he wouldst thou haue done if it had not been for such as they That he disliked not that conuersation should be held with such as were good but that my words must euer be well considered and holie and that so it would be rather profitable to me then hurtfull not to giue-ouer communication with them Now this imparted a particular comfort to me for sometimes it would seem to be a hauing too great a tye vpon creatures which made me once incline to giue-ouer the custome