the latter end of my Book of Acquaintance with God which is now reprinted at present my advice shall be that you would follow them who thorow faith and patience are the inheriters of the promise and propose to your selves the examples of the most eminent Christians such as this precious young mans whose Funeral Rites we are now solemnizing and because examples are very cogent and affect most more than precepts I shall present you with an account of some of this holy young mans practices and experiences Take them therefore as I have gathered them by my own experience and intimate knowledge of him and as I have collected them out of many sheets of his own writings But let it not be thought I beseech you that out of custom or flattery I speak such Funeral Commendations were he but a Common Christian I would have sorbâ—rn speaking any thing of this nature for sear of hardening sinners I must deal plainly I abho that cursed flattery in commending all that are buried as if to die and to go to Heaven were all one I know many rotten posts are guilded many Sepulchres that are full of bones and putrified flesh are painted and many Professors are extolled at their death who did no good whâ—le they lived except it were the giving some pitâ—ful pittance to the poor when they could keep it no longer I question not but that thousands are praised upon earth that are condemned in Heaven and many applauded for Saints that will be found among the Devils and damned Expect it not therefore as a thing like to be usual with me to commend dead persons As I would judge none so I dare commend but few This only by way of Apology I shall come to the thing promised to propose some imitable passages of the life of T. M. 1. First He began to â—ook Heaven ward betimes he was made to remember his Creatour in the daies of his youth his first convâ—ctions were at about twelve years old but they had no abiding impression upon him the great work was begun to purpose between sevenâ—een and eighteen I shall be the more brief here because you have the account more full from his own hand The change that was wrought upon him did express more of the power of God and the riches of his grace than ordinary The Lord made his work upon him very clear and distinct for he broke in upon his soul like an armed man and shook him terribly â—veâ— Hell and the â—â—rrâ—urs of God set themselves â—n array against him and the poison of his arrows drank up his spirits sin did appear in its colour to him â—s ugly as the devil and as dreadful as Hell it self so that the foundation was laid in very deep huâ—â—â—lity O then how frightful a thing was sin yea his beloved sin the sin of gaming was made most loathsome and abominable so that for that he loathed himself in dust ashes and looked upon himself as unworthy to tread upon Gods ground and had not God ordered it so as that the first Sermon he heard after this great conviction was upon that Scripture 1 Tim. 1.15 he had even fallen into despair but the thoughts of Gods having mercy upon the chiefest of sinners did a little support his soul and gave him hopes of a possibility of being saved 2. This put him upon strong groans and prayers that the Lord would pitty him as ever he would pitty any poor creature in the World O that he would pitty him hast thou not a blessing for me O God even for me what shall I do now I am without God Christ or Grace my condition is such I cannot bear it who can be contented to be damned O pitty me pitty me dear Lord I cannot tell what in the world to do mercy mercy mercy or I am lost mercy speedily or I am lost for ever And so he continued in a way of duty reading and praying and inquiring and resolving thus to do all his dayes and now farewell wicked company farewell sports and vanity and idleness the great business of minding his soul now swallows him up and after a while he hath a little more peace than he had but upon further enquiry and waiting upon the means he was convinced thaâ— all this would not do without the Righteousness oâ— Christ And this brings me to the next thing 3. He was deeply convinced of the absolute necessity and excellency of Christ and brought oâ— from his own righteousness to high prizingâ— and admirings of Christ take his own words And is it true indeed hath Christ done and suffered such things for thee O my poor sinful vile odious polluted soul and what wilt not thou love him now Oh think a little what put him upon aâ— this was it any self interest is he any gainer by thee he got nothing but grief pain and death O my soul it was free pure and undeniable love that caused him to do and suffer what he did consider again O my soul what cause was there that he should make thee a partaker of the benefit of his blood what wast thou Oh a motâ— loathsome sinner and what wilt thou not yet love him O Lord I am ashamed of my own heart that I cannot raise it to the highest pitch oâ— admiration of that infinite boundless love Oâ— love love love O that I could love thee O Lord I would fain be sick of love O that I could dyâ— sick of love to thee O that I could feel thee warming my heart with that quickning blood which thou sheddedst upon the Cross O what love is like to that O my soul it was shed for thee who was an enemy a rebel a despiser of Christ awake O blessed spirit and blow upon my soul and kindle a fire which may burn with love to Christ to all Eternity Amen Amen 4. He did upon this in a serious and solemn manner give up himself to the Lord in a Covenant I shall not repeat the words of this Covenant because they are taken verbatim out of my book of Acquaintance with God and he subâ—cribed his name to it and kept it as a witness before the Lord and to quicken his own soul to a â—ore close walking with God according to the Arâ—â—cles of that Covenant 5. After he was gone thus far his bowels began â—o yern over his Christless friends some of which I perceive by his letters began to abuse him for his seriousness and to deride his strictness and jeer at his holiness shall I give you a taste of his spirit I cannot do it in warmer words than his own which are as followeth Yours I received but whether I dare to thank you for it I know not for truly I cannot express the trouble that hath since seised upon my spirit Oh poor soul what shall I say unto thee Oh my bowels my bowels they yern towards thee I am pained yea I am pained while I think upon thy condition what shall I
do for thee what shall I say unto thee I could be contented that these lines were writ with my very heart blood so that they might affect thee O I had rather dye than receive another such letter from you I could not relish it it was bitter I could not see the name of dear Jesus in it how can I think of your blind superstition and not mourn and lament over a dead soul you say you are sorry and you are troubled What is the matter are you sorry that I should concern my self about my soul and about yours you would not trouble your self about these things now if not now I pray when will you at the hour of death at the day oâ— Judgement O then it will be too late O now oâ— never delayes are dangerous O Eternity Eternity O where shall yours and my soul dwell tâ— all Eternity Oh either in heaven or in hell either with Christ or devils the soul that siâ— shall dye your debt is great the justice of God must be satisfied and nothing can do it but thâ— blood of Jesus O for this precious Jesus make not light of Christ he is precious he is altogether lovely I would not for ten thousand world quit my share in him and in that which is the matter of your fear you complain that I have leâ—â— the wayes of our fore-fathers I seâ—â— you take the shadow for the substance what 〈◊〉 the Cross in Baptism without the Baptisme 〈◊〉 the spirit what good will the bowing at thâ— name of Jesus do them which persecute him iâ— his members and have him not formed in their hearts O that God would cut asunder your false hopes if Christ were in you yoâ— would rejoyce to think that he hath been aâ— work in my soul was I born with these principles which you read in my last Letters I am surâ— I was once of an other mind than now I am but blessed yea admired be free grace which hath made me to differ from my self and others 〈◊〉 am afraid you understand not my meaning wheâ— I speak of love to God and Regeneration as long as I only concerned my self about the World anâ— not my soul you kindly entertained my letters but no sooner did I speak of repentance and thâ— affairs of our poor never-dying souls but then you are troubled and cannot bear it I tell you I lay dead almost eighteen years and then I had a gracious wound from my dear God which made me cry out where am I I am undone I am undone my sin will damn me O what shall I do for a Christ And at this rate he goes on writing many letters which did all breath a divine spirit 6. He was very spiritual in his discourse and by that he put life into most of them that conversed with him how helpful was he to young Christians how ready to hearten them up in the wayes of God and how able to discover to them the policies of Satan he was scarce in his element but when he was doing or receiving of good he studied Mr. Herbert Palmer's little Book about making Religion ones business and he did in a great measure put it into practice To use his own expressions I did saith he labour to spiritualize common action and to serve God in serving my master with diligence cheerfulness and faithfulness O what resort was there of young ones to him for direction and advice in things which they did not think it so fit to trouble their Pastor with and how did he endeavour to season his fellow servants with grace When he went to any of his Masters Patients how diligent in using of means for their recovery and how careful to drop something that might tend to the health of their souls and as he had opportunity amongst the weaker and poorer sort he would pray with them and O with what vehemency of spirit with what fluency of expression and with what mighty affections would he do it I need not tell some of you how helpfull he hath been to the bodies and souls of the sick and upon this account he looked upon it as a great mercy that the Lord had called him to such an employment wherein he had such singular advantages to deal with poor souls about the affairs of Eternity I question noâ— but there are some standing here that have cause to bless God that ever they saw his face and I believe that some of you that are young and poor will quickly dearly miss him 7. He was exceedingly raised in duty and one that injoyed rare communion intimacy and acquaintance with God and for about five moneths as his own papers shew together he rarely came into the presence of God but he went away with some special tokens of his love so that he said he could have been contented to have left the world at a quarter of an hours warning Hear how his Papers speak My soul continued if my heart do not mightily deceive me in a thriving condition for five moneths O the comforts that I then had they are unspeakable I seldome went to duty but carryed my dear Saviour and brought him away with me every Ordinance was a visit of love my love to Jesus Christ and his members whereever I saw them was not to be expressed what hatred to sin what zeal for Gods glory what yerning of bowels towards poor souls in the state of nature how beautiful were the feet of the Embassadors of peace what a fulness and sweetness did I then see and feel in Christ ever hungring after him and ever satisfied with him and him alone what affections God-ward what despising of visibles what deep apprehensions of the Majesty and Attributes of God how did I walk unweariedly with him how did I rejoyce before him with fear and trust filially in him with trembling O what watchfulness over my thoughts words and actions Indeed I was often assaulted but I had a faithful Centinel which would give warning and admit of none but such as were friends to the Lord Jesus what low thoughts had I of my self and high prizings of a naked Christ Oh Sir in one word I made Religion my business and was taken up with that which concerned the glory of God every grace was at strife which should excell other in its actings I could never go to market but I could experience returns of Grace and Mercy In this I have not varied two words from his own writings in a letter that he gave me wherein he did grievously bewail the least departures of his heart from God as you shall hear in the next 8. He took special notice of his own heart and did mightily bewail any declinings from that vigour that sometimes he had and here I shall again use his words as they follow But this did not continue long it was as a calm before a storm for soon after my time being almost out I began to have some thoughts of my setting up and
to bed and he not mind me at which motion I did and so left off for that time and at all times performed them against my will Oh horrible Blasphemy what not God see Oh it was a wonder of wonders that God should then have endured to see me any longer out of Hell oh infinite patience as for reading I got little good by it and desired to get less and as for hearing I must confess that those arrows shot at a venture God did cause them so many times to hit yea and peirce too that it busied both me and the devil to get them out again and to heal the wound but usually I fixed my mind upon somewhat else so that I seldome let any sentence sink too deep into my heart yea once the Devil and my own wicked heart did so sar prevail that I was fully resolved and in plain but damnable terms I did even curse God and as it were bid defiance to all his Ordinances and did rejoyce that I had my tongue and conscience so much at command oh and how can I hold my pen to write this wherefore do I not fall down and become nothing before the Lord of Glory against whom thus I have blasphemed but truly I would not have revealed this had I not such a place as the 12. of Matthew and the 31. verse to make to for a refuge After this I was wont to put that solemn Ordinance of Prayer to do the saddest service in the world and that frequently O pitty pitty it had such a cruel Master and that was I used it not to help me to destroy sin but made it a greater cause and means of my sinning for I had got the damnable Art as they say the Papists have at this day only I did not get so much by it as their Father Confessors doth that if I had said but two or three short ejaculations not with half the devotion that a Pater noster is said yea I say I had got that cursed Art to resist all gripes of conscience and to sin freely for a month or more and when conscience would let me alone no longer then to prayer again Oh Adamantine heart or rather stone that canst hold out to write these things and not to quake and tremble And now de his quid dicam these are the peccata peccatorum but what is that soul still alive that hath done these things what shall a poor worm curse God and not die what blaspheme the Ordinances of the Almighty and still live sure the Jealousie of a holy God will not suffer such a wretch to be in his sight But tell me is this man alive or hath the earth swallowed him up or the flames of hell caught hold of him certainly had he thus offended his fellow-worms they could not have born it and can I think that God will suffer such a man nay rather Devil incarnated to live in his sight Oh my soul make answer what alive yes yes but how is he hath he not his conscience seared and is not his condemnation sealed within himself and what doth he not look with horrour and amazement for the great day of the Lord No my hopes are to the contrary Nay I hope and not without cause that him hath the Lord set apart for himself and to his poor soul hath he shewed such mercies that it will make all that hear of it to admire and to say What is man that thou shouldest be mindfull of him but that the Lord should pitty such a loathsome creature as this and should say to such a vile brat then wallowing in its blood live Oh come come unto me all ye that fear the Lord Oh come unto me and I will tell you what he hath done for my soul he that is mighty hath done for me great things yea almost incredible things and holy is his Name Min. Well poor soul I will no longer detain thee concerning these things but now you having given me a very doleful account of your long convictions yet still lying bound with the chains of sin and under the command of Satan which doubtless had it gone no further but you had ended your life before the Lord had turned your convictions into conversion it would have proved such a worm that would to all eternity have gnawed thy conscience so that the pains would have been intollerable but blessed be God I am in great hopes to hear that from you which will put me out of fear and give me cause to admire the goodness and power of God Be very careful to keep your heart from pride and not to attribute any thing to your own goodness but to admire the grace of God and give glory to him and him alone Conv. Oh dear friend for so I will call you and all that gives me counsel about the good of my never dying soul I am glad that the Lord hath put this into yourheart and I do beg your prayers to God that he would still humble me more and more for I am sure pride is a weed that will grow in the best garden much more in mine which is a barren yet weedy soil but I have not done with all my soul-abasing considerations for when you have heard all which I through the grace of God am to declare unto you you will then say I have more cause to be humbled than ever therefore pride being such an enemy I will earnestly request you that when you hear me say any thing which doth savour of my own good and not purely of Gods Glory that you would reprove me and make me clear my meaning to you Min. I have still more cause to bless God for you in that you do so much suspect your own heart which is desperately wicked and deceitful And now to our present purpose what reason have you to think that your conversion was more effectually begun to be wrought upon you when you was about eighteen years of age Conv. Oh I have great cause to think so for then the Lord was pleased to work such a work in me that had it been told me before I could not in any wise have believed it Min. And now what do you think to be the first cause that moved you to set your face Sion-ward Conv. About two months before I saw the sinfulness of sin even then when I was to every good word and work a Reprobate and did deny no sin because it was sin although I might out of some self ends as to deny theft whoredom drunkenness and such like not that these in themselves were so detestable to me but for fear of outward trouble I did not practise them but being engaged in a great sin which was gaming which some may scruple whether it may be a sin or no but to me I am sure it was the occasion of many great sins as to cause me to swear and forswear and to lye and cheat in great measure and truly I think
my heart at that time was so desperately wicked that doubtless had not an Almighty Power pittied me I should even have pawned my soul for the obtaining of what I then desired then in a passion I made a presumptuous vow that I would leave off that sport for one year this was about November or December which for a little time I kept and now observe the great subtilty of the Devil in this particular for no sooner was it the first day of January but presently I was told that my vow was out of date and that it signified nothing and they being my carnal friends that told me I was willing to make my conscience submit so that I soon embraced my old sport again and did plainly lay my self open to the wrath of God for such a great sin yet I could not so much charm my conscience but it would often accuse me for it but it was not many weeks after but I engaged as deeply in the same sin of gaming as before and now hear and admire for even now will appear such love as never any was ever sensible of but such as have felt it having been at the losing hand the season of the night calling me away I left off but much troubled and about five in the morning I awakened and then there was a pleasant lightness upon my spirit as if it had been refreshed after great trouble what this meant I could not tell yet could not but take special notice of it that I who went to bed much dissatisfied and perplexed should when I awaked seem to be so much comforted and my sleep for a little time departed from me and certainly I had some deep thoughts which now I cannot remember but the result of them came to this I did then engage my self by a fresh vow that the next morning I would play so as to venture about two shillings and if I lost that then not to play any more for such a certain time and to my best remembrance for as I would not add so I would not diminish and so rob God of his glory and my poor soul of comfort I did at that time lift up my heart to God but with what affections I cannot tell I hope not without great shame to crave his aid that I might be enabled to keep my great vow and so when the time came that I was to venture my mony which I thought very long with great chearfulness I went to play being very willing and I think desirous to lose which was soon accomplished according to my hopes which when it was ended I cannot say what I thought or how my heart worked but as I think that very day my heart was somewhat troubled by what follows for I having lost a great part of that in which my heart so much delighted and idolized as its God and rested in as its ultimate end I could not find rest in it as formerly and so being much troubled I went to peruse some toyes that I had by me and amongst them there was one Jewel which the Lord was pleased to put into my hand which was a Book intituled The Crumbs of Comfort the which when I felt my heart somewhat inclined to peruse I was much perplexed within my self and could not but wonder what manner of salutation this should be and now I hope I have great cause to acknowledge that the hand of God was in all this but I will not on this account any waies turn aside but go on as my own heart and conscience now witnesseth to me and I hope the Spirit of God likewise and so very desirous I was to know the meaning of this dark providence as then it appeared to me to be that more or less for two daies together I often perused more of the Book but my heart was little affected to any particular thing and yet I was troubled more and more within me and could find no rest for my poor soul and in less than a weeks time I think about the end of two or three daies the more I read I began to have more deep thoughts and heart amazing considerations which began to make me exceedingly troubled and much cast down about the state and condition of my poor captive soul which as I told you before was almost sunk into the bottom of the bottomless Sea of Gods wrath from which there is no redemption with the weight of its insupportable sins And now what the chief actings of my soul were I cannot tell but sure I am that my trouble did increase yet more and more and I hope it was for my sins for I do well remember that within very few dayes or rather hours after the sence of my sins came into my mind and the sight of them was so clear and the number of them so numberless and their aggravations so weighty and the nature of them so detestable that what I then felt I cannot now possibly declare Oh where was I certainly had I been surprized with the greatest enemies in the world and my life in the greatest danger I could not have been more troubled and had I been afflicted with all the tortures that man could have devised I should not have been more tormented nay I think if my deceitful heart did not deceive me that had I been in hell amongst those infernal fiends and had heard the yellings and howlings of those damned wretches I think I could not have been much more affrighted for then I did look upon my soul to be within a hairs breadth of Eternal misery and oh the condition I saw my self then in is unutterable had there not been an everlasting arm of power and mercy underneath I should undoubtedly have followed the steps of Cain or Judas but O Blessed and admired be Free Grace and why Me Lord why Me Oh Love Love Love even Love unspeakable yea Love unutterable and further in this my trouble the Lord was so far pleased to pitty and shew mercy to my poor soul that my soul had not very long laboured under this insupportable burthen of her great and mighty sins but I perceived a door of hope as it were unlatched and somewhat open and that if I would but in good earnest turn to God that yet it was not too late and that there was hope in Israel concerning this thing which consideration did not a little comfort my poor soul and then further it pleased the Lord to open my heart to visit one who I thought might do me much good and I judged him fit to be acquainted with my condition in that I hoped he feared the Lord and by the way let me tell you that I did at that time unspeakably love all such even more than my own relations with humility let it be spoken and when I was with him he joyfully received me and declared unto me many comfortable things which through grace did not a little raise my dejected spirit and he then lent me
that person can say somewhat more or less concerning the nature of it and how it was wrought in his soul if the Lord hath in any measure revealed himself to you in this way let me intreat you both for your own souls good and perhaps other souls good but chiefly that the Lord may thereby be glorified to let me know the time and manner of his drawing you to himself by his unspeakable love and mercy Conv. Oh Blessed be God that he hath opened the heart of his faithful Minister to demand such a matter of such a poor wretch as I am oh what am I that I should be examined instructed and confirmed about the matters of my eternal pretious and never dying soul Oh that the Lord would so enable me in this great work that I may not be found to lye against the holy Ghost by adding to or diminishing from what I have found but that I may have my heart and conscience witnessing within me that these following things are so indeed Min. I am glad to hear what you have said and the Lord bring all things concerning our present work into your remembrance that his name may be glorified and your soul much comforted and to this end it will be requisite to demand of you What condition are you in by nature Conv. O Sir A rebel to my God a slave to my lust a prodigal to my Father an alien from the Common-Wealth of Israel in short had I dyed in my natural state I had been eternally miserable John 3.3 except c. Min. How long did you continue in that deplorable condition Conv. Oh too too long but yet blessed be God and admired be free Grace that it was no longer it was as neer as I can guess eighteen years and a few dayes when the Lord did incline my heart in good earnest to seek the things of its everlasting peace Min. Well and how then did the Lord begin with you were your eyes never opened to see your lost undone condition before that time Conv. Oh yes when I was twelve or thirteen years of age the Lord discovered my condition so much to me that I did then firmly believe all that did serve the Lord were in a very blessed and happy estate let what come as could come they were happy and likewise that if I should then have dyed I should have been eternally miserable having no hopes in Christ neither did I in that condition expect any benefit by him and as I very well remember the Lord made the thoughts of death so terrible that I could not endure to think of it but yet it came so much in my mind and did so terrifie me that I cannot express how I did dread to think of it but this worked nothing in me but oh with horrour and amazement be it spoken I was willing then to go to hell and did rejoyce in that I could quell my gripes of conscience by thinking that I should be as well able to endure the flames of hell and the frowns of an angry God as any of them all and that I should have company enough there and so did rejoyce because I was willing to be damned willing to be damned how what did I say but surely I was not oh my soul how can it be make ' answer was it so yes and was I oh was I indeed willing to be damned oh the height and length and breadth and depth of the love and goodness and long suffering patience of an offended and highly provoked God that I was not then thrown into hell indeed but that he should suffer such stubble as I was to be in his sight and that the fire of his Jealousie had not consumed me as in a moment but still I went on in sin as if I would not have let God alone till he had damned me Min. By what you have said I perceive then you were throughly convinced of the necessity of holiness and of leaving your sins and serving the Lord and that there must be Regeneration wrought in you before Glorification could be hoped for by you but surely being convinced of the blessed condition of the godly you could not but sometimes wish your self in their condition how did you carry your self under this did you resolve that you would never be as they were Conv. Truly many times I would have been glad to have been in their condition but I was so glued to the world and my sins that I could not endure to think of leaving them yet to my best remembrance I never resolved that if I should live never so long I would not repent but that after I had gotten a great estate in the world and was grown old and were as it were uncapable of taking any more delight in these things below that then I would have set out towards Heaven and oh I cannot but think and I desire with fear and trembling to think what a loathsome Sacrifice I should then have been even stunk in Gods nostrils when I had given the marrow and fatness and strength of my body to the devil then I should have had just cause to fear the Lord would have buryed me out of his sight Oh I say I staid in the devils service so long that I smelt so of fire and brimstone I mean of sin that had not the body of a Crucified Advocate Jesus Christ as a Vail stood between the Justice of God and my guilty soul certainly he would soon have drawn out a bill of indictment against me and have sent me away with a Go ye Cursed Min. By what you have said I perceive you lay under Convictions for about 6 years with very little grief or sorrow for sin but although you knew what you were to do yet you did not do what you did know I will ask you but one ' question more before I come to the chief point in hand and that is this What duties you engaged in in this time and how you carryed your self under them Conv. Now even now I begin to revelâ— from my promise but that I might if poâ—sible debase my self below the vilest crâ—â—ture in the world I will declare somethiâ—â— and enough to make your very hair to staâ—â— an end and oh that the Lord would 〈◊〉 make me so reflect upon my self th◠〈◊〉 may abhor my wretched self in dâ—st 〈◊〉 ashes for oh Lord if this wâ—â—◠〈◊〉 what will for the greater part of 〈…〉 06 years I lived without Prayer and 〈…〉 the Scripture but seldom misseâ—◠〈…〉 â—y reason of my civil education and as to Prayer but why should I call it so scarce ever did I desire that the Lord should hear me nay I did often in my heart desire to the contrary nay more when I have been upon my knees and my conscience hath constrained me to say prayer I have suddenly received an inward motion to this effect that God at that time was a minding other affairs and that then I might
a book which the Lord at that time opened my heart to ask for which was Drex d. Eternit and truly upon the perusal of that Treatise I think nay I am sure the burden of my sins seemed to be renewed and I cannot express that unspeakable sorrow which I then had in my poor soul by reason of all its mighty sins and truly I hope the mercy of God was not a little cause of my trouble to think that I should have none to offend and kick against but those bowels yea those tender bowels of pitty and compassion which had so long yearned over my poor soul and had so long shielded off the stroak of Justice which was so long hanging over my provoking head and then oh then I did unspeakably desire the pardon of my sins and then did feel the burden of them so unsupportable that I did earnestly beg of the Lord that they might be laid upon the Lord Jesus who was able to bear them and did endeavour by earnest Prayers to obtain a smile from God in and through Jesus Christ for out of Christ he was a terrible God and a consuming fire and so I forthwith resolved to take up with all outward duties as Prayer Reading Hearing Conferring with good Christians and I cannot but let you know that the first Sermon I heard in this condition was out of 1 Tim. 1.15 where it is said that Christ came into the world to save sinners of whom I not Paul only but I even I am chief and so I went on through fear and trembling and not without some joy and hopes that the Lord who had begun a good work in me would finish it in his good time which God grant for Christ his sake Min. And is this which you have spoken from your own experience is it indeed as I hope it is then I can no longer for bear but say with good Zacharias Blessed be the Lord God of Israel who hath visited and redeemed his people and amongst them thy poor soul and now I say again take heed of spiritual pride think very lowly of thy self and give glory to God And now Dear Heart give me leave for the good of thy eternal welfare to examine thee of some things which thou hast touched upon in the last Discourse that so I may be assured that that work which the Lord hath begun in thee may prove as a Tree planted and rooted in thy renewed heart by the Spirit of God and not of thine own seting And for the accomplishing of which weighty work it will be convenient to enquire what fruit it hath since born for the tree may be known by its fruit Therefore in brief what hast thou found in thy heart concerning sin Conv. Sin Truly I am not able now to express that unspeakable bitterness I then found in it oh how did I hate it and pursue it with the greatest zeal and detestation possible oh how did my heart rise at the very appearance of it and truly if it did not very greatly deceive me I think I hated it more than death it self and should have chosen death rather than wilfully committed the least known sin and if there had been no hell yet as I have often said sin should have been my hell and holiness my Heaven Min. I am glad to hear what thou hast said but what sins were they thou so hatedst it may be they were great and dreadful fins as Blasphemy and Murder c. but what didst thou think of heart sins and evil motions which I am sure would much beset thee Conv. Oh of I knew my own heart these were the greatest enemies that I had to encounter these were they that like unto so many Goliahs bid defiance to what Christ had wrought in my poor soul and did endeavour to retake the Fort-Royal of my heart which the Lord was about to make a Temple for his glorious Image to dwell in and oh Blessed be Free Grace and let all that hear of this stand and admire and give glory to God Min. The Lord preserve this blessed enmity still more and more in thy heart and now tell me which way thou wentest about to engage against and so to overcome these great Goliahs though commonly known by the name of peccadilloes Conv. Oh now now you come very neer me and this even pierces between the bone and marrow and the Lord who is the searcher of hearts and knoweth the thoughts and actings of every soul give me understanding in this point that I may say nothing but what I really found in my own soul Oh then I did presume too much upon my own strength and did not lay them at the feet of Christ whom then I hoped I took for my Lord and King and did not as I fear wholly depend upon his Kingly power which is to overcome and subdue all those enemies which rise up in the hearts of his Children and make war against him and would not that he should rule over them for surely had I thus done he would not have suffered them so often to assault me and even sometimes overcome me as I shall God willing make clear to you by and by Min. Still I have great cause to admire the goodness of God to thy poor soul in that he hath been pleased now to open thy eyes to see this thy great mistake which doubtless had not the Lord in time revealed it to thee it would have proved a sore evil and it may be thou mightest not have seen it before it had been too late and now tell me which way thou wentest about to destroy thy sins seeing thou wast ignorant in great measure in applying the death of Christ to kill them Conv. The chiefest instruments that I used in this work was Prayer and sometimes Fasting which I found very powerfull to batter down the strong holds of Satan in my poor soul for which doubtless I was not to be blamed if so be that I had used them only as a means to have raised up my heart to Christ and so as they were appointed of God to be the way and means whereby I might have recourse to him who alone is able for so great a work but woe to my ignorant and proud heart that would not totally submit to God but idolized Prayer and Repentance and Fasting as if these had been the Captains of the souls Salvation whereas they are but empty in themselves and nothing worth no more than as they lead me to Christ who alone is the Captain and horn of my Salvation Min. And now I think it will not be amiss to let me hear how you carryed your self in the great duty of Prayer and how soon you entred upon the duty Conv. The Lord was pleased within two or three dayes after my first trouble to incline my heart to seek him by Prayer which I used constantly twice a day besides some private ejaculations and sighes between whiles and I will now tell
my sins but my righteousness too then oh then I began to prize Christ more than ever oh then I did desire to say from my heart none but Christ none but Christ oh all the whole world for Christ yea ten thousand Worlds for a Christ and then I did desire to say with Luther that if I was able to keep the whole Moral Law I would not trust to this for Justification I would vail and stoop to Christs merits and now I did find it a more hard thing by far to get out of my self and from trusting to duty and wholly by faith to rely upon Christs merits than ever I found it to leave sin and then me-thoughts I found it a very hard thing to be a Christian and that I was passive all along and was not able to move a step further than the Lord upheld and led me and oh that I could make the result of this great mercy plain unto you truly I bless God I can say a little but under this very trouble my soul ever since hath groaned within me and I do desire that it may still groan more and more and never leave groaning till its groans pierce the very clouds and found through Christ so loud into the ears of the Almighty that for Christ his sake he would have pitty and compassion upon me and would not suffer that Tyrant Self any longer in the least to bear sway in me and that he would be pleased so to shew me my own unworthiness and the insufficiency of all inherent goodness to stand me in the least stead in matters of Justification that so I might prize Christ and Christ alone and rely wholly upon his merits for pardon life and salvation Now I will declare to you how the Lord was pleased to deal with me soon after I saw this my condition in resting in my own supposed goodness Sacrament day being again near at hand the Lord was pleased to incline my heart to ingage in that solemn and most Sacred duty now having lost my supposed wedding garment in which I supposed my self to be very comely and much to be delighted in by Christ and seeing my own nakedness and deformity so much that I could not imagine how I should possibly be accepted of by Christ that so my trouble and burden was so great that I found it almost insupportable and fearing lest Gods frowns and my awakened Conscience should more and more seise upon me especially at that sacred ordinance I say in this point I was more than I can think of amazed and could not tell what to do And now my dear Heavenly Father who was alwayes more ready to help than I to crave did then doubtless wait to be gracious to my poor soul and did abundantly magnifie his grace to me for now he was pleased to strike one Scripture very deep into my heart which was as comfortable and as sure an Anchor as my poor laden soul could be held by and it was this Oh Israel thou hast destroyed thy self but in me is thy help Hosea 13.9 which soul-cordial Scripture seemed to me as if I had heard the Lord speaking to me after this manner oh thou afflicted tosted with tempest and not comforted although thou hast so long grieved me and provoked me to destroy thee yet now even now if thou wilt endeavour to know I say even now in this thy day the things of thy peace peradventure they may be found but never look more for peace from any thing in thy self but wholly look up to him who tells thee although thou hast destroyed thy self yet in me if in any is thy help found and then further the Lord was pleased to put it into my heart to examine my humiliation more strictly which when I did I supposed my heart never heretofore to have been truly humbled as it ought to have been yet I hoped the Lord was about this great work now by what I have before related and my reason was because I never so far as I knew experimentally understood the meaning of some Scriptures as then were opened more plainly to me and they were such as these And truly this was it that inclined my heart to partake afresh of the Lords Supper The whole need not a Physitian but they that are sick and That Christ came not to call the Righteous but Sinners to Repentance and the concerning the Publican and Pharisee and such like and in short although I had been sick of sin yet never before than of self-righteousness now seeing my self sick as much of the one as of the other therefore I hoped Christ would be my Physitian and that in him my help should soon be found and thus I did endeavour to humble my self and to see my own vileness and sickness more and more and did in this much begg of the Lord that he would still humble me more and more with a clear sence of my own deformitie and nakedness that so I might seeing my great need of Christ more and more hunger and thirst after him and so laying my soul prostrated at Christs feet and as I hope did really see my great want of him and so would not depart any way from him but resolved that if I dyed I would dye there and thus I argued with him Whither should I go but unto thee thou hast the words of eternal life and although I be a dog yet thou hast crumbs oh let not my hungry soul famish for want of food Oh I dare not oh I will not depart oh Lord although I have destroyed my self yet Lord hast not thou told me that in thee is my help found oh make good thy word unto thy servant in which thou hast caused me to hope and truly the Lord was not very long in making good his word to my poor soul for then I wonderfully felt him drawing me up with the Cords of love pitty and compassion and at the ends of which cords for me to take the better hold or I rather think that he might take the better hold of me he was pleased to fasten such Scriptures as these I will name but three for each cord one and a threefold cord is not easily broken the one was the 55th of Isaiah and the first verse Hoe every one that thirsteth come ye to the waters and drink and he that hath no money yea that was it I waited for for I bless God at that time I hope I had none come ye buy and eat yea come buy Wine and Milk oh Bread and Water was too good for me and more than I deserved without money and without price Oh these was sweet to such a poor soul as mine was and then another was this Revel 22.17 And whosoever will let him take of the water of life freely hearken soul Freely Oh Christ will not be bought with any thing the Creature can give oh no all is grace and then the other which worked the most powerfully upon my heart