had a minde to be most particularly serued and glorifyed by it and that the Soules which would consecrate themselues to him therein might proue to be holie and happie in a very eminent degree as long as they would continue attentiue and carefull not to swarue from that Spirit which was deriued to them from Heauen through S. Teresa by her Prayers and teares and other holie meanes Which Spirit of hers though it euidently appeare both by the exercise and example of all Heroicall Vertue yet particularly it seemes to ayme and point at the regular and constant vse of Recollection Mentall Prayer vvhereof she speakes oftnest and vvith most particular desire and care and appoints two Howers to be employed euerie day therein besides all other Deuotions of anie kind vvhich is practised by all her holy Religious and is really that time vvhich giues them more aboundant ioy then all the rest And indeed she takes manie occasions not only to recommend it earnestly to the Children and Successours of her owne Order but exhorts also all Creatures who will haue the happines to be the true Seruants of our Blessed Lord to take fast hold by this Anker in their Nauigation through the Sea of this vvorld In vvhich Sea not only they who are best shipped but euen such others also as haue been cast ouer board from Grace into the storme and tempest of a Sinnefull life may yet by meanes of Prayer proue able yea and morally certaine through the mercie of Almightie God to recouer the assured Port of Saluation For in the iudgement of this excellent creature this point and practise of Mentall Prayer is the most sacred and soueraigne help by way either of Preseruatiue before Sinne or yet of remedie or Restoratiue after it which can possibly be found or ministred in this world and indeed a kind of Manna from Heauen which imparts all kind of Good to the Soule Good alwayes in the substantiall vvay because it alwayes brings encrease of grace so enables men to vvinne great victoryes ouer themselues where by they daily grow to be the Seruants of Almighty God more more And sometimes also Good in a vvay of most soueraigne sweetnes beyond any thing which Flesh Blood knowes how to imagine But yet to make the Soule capable of this last she must resolue to vntye her selfe vvholy and it must indeed be wholy not only from the firme purpose of committing any Sinne vvhether it be great or small but euen from the very fastning her affections in any manner of inordinate vvay to any Creature of any kind though yet it should not be vnlawfull in it selfe And a most particular care must also be taken by all such as vvill follow the footstepps directions of this Glorious Saint vpon vvhich she presses so very often so very hard in twenty places of this excellent Worke That a Soule which pretends to serue our Blessed Lord in this kind as she ought must resolue both very faithfully very early to dispose herselfe to doe it with true perfect Liberty of Spirit that is with an absolute intention determination to doe it meerly because it is the holy Will of our B. Lord and because he hath made it the meanes vvhereby she may obtaine the pardon of her Sinnes and acquire all Christian vertue through encrease of Grace and pay both frequent ardent acts of Homage Greife Loue to his Diuine Maiestie procure an imitation of those Heroicall vertues which he was pleased to expresse in his bitter Passion And aboue all things the Saint requires vs to take heed of haueing any mercenary respect at all to receiue gusts spirituall delights or other higher Fauours from him in this Life but to remitt all such things to the next and so that vvee may euer doe him true Seruice to leaue it with all indifferency conformity to our Blessed Lord whether he vvill dispence all his Fauours to vs at one payment in the next world or els by parts portions in this And whosoeuer shall be of a different minde vvill not only disoblige the Glorious S. Teresa her selfe but may also make this Booke both an vnprofitable vnvsefull yea euen an inconuenient Study for his Soule But to returne to the glorious actions of this Saint That besides the instituting or redressing this Order where she had both men and woemen though yet cheifly her owne Sex in her eye she should also being only but a Woeman be able so to worke vpon men as in despight of lesse rigour no little enuie to bring them to take as it were the Law at her hands and notwithstanding the pride of Old Adam to ouer-worke them to co-operate vvith the Grace of the Nevv and to make them not disdaine to accept of her Instruction and to apply themselues to the imitation of this Virgin vvill not allow vs to doe anie thing but vvonder saue that it was most euidently the hand and the strong hand of Almightie God vvho enabled and strengthned this deare Seruant of his to be the Instrument of so Heroicall a vvorke And all this is so excellently set downe by the sayd Doctour Levvis de Leon as that I vvill doe both the Saint and her Children the right to shew them the verie Fountaine it self from vvhence the Relation springs and not deface or disgrace it by anie imperfect description of mine owne You are therefore to vnderstand and consider for these circumstāces are not impertinent to the substance that some yeares after the death of this excellent Creature S. Teresa and long before she vvas declared a Saint by the iudgement of the Holie Catholique Church in the Processe vvhereof there vses euer to be euen an excesse of difficulty in weighing and admitting of all Proofes there grew a question about the publishing of her Writings and Workes And to the end that nothing might be done therein either by anie indiscreet zeale or other accident the Councel Royall of Spaine vvhich is a Bodie of great Authoritie Wisdome committed the review of vvhatsoeuer the Saint had left behind her in that kind to be cōsidered by some fitt graue person that so that vvhich should be found to be truly hers might be distinguished from other things and so proceed to be publique by Authoritie This person vvas a learned and renowned man a Father of S. Dominicks Order a Doctour vvho liued in Madrid at that time His name vvas Levvis de Leon as I sayd before vvho togeather with acknowledging and approuing yea and admiring her Writings whereof this Life of hers is the cheife employed himself also with great care to set them out himself And vvhen this Booke went to the Presse he dedicated it to the Prioresse and Religious Woemen of the Teresian-Carmelites vvho then vvere newly founded in Madrid And heer you shall be entertained vvith as much of that Dedicatorie Epistle as imports the excellencie both of the Holie Mother S.
I still desired to recouer my health though yet I endured my sicknes with great alacritie And I would be thinking and considering sometimes that if by enioying my health I might chance be damned it would be better for me to remaine still as sick as I was but howsoeuer I conceiued that I should be able to serue Almightie God much better if I could enioy my health Now this is the abuse and errour which deceaues vs not to resigne ourselues entirely to the disposition and good pleasure of our Lord who knowes best what is fitt for vs. But in the meane time I got manie Masses sayd for this purpose and I resorted also to the vse of other solid and approued Prayers for I was neuer a friend of certaine odd deuotiōs which are vsed by diuers persons and especially by woemen with some odd Ceremonies which I could neuer endure since I vnderstood that they sauoured of Superstition howsoeuer other folkes were moued by them And so I tooke for my Aduocate and Lord the Glorious S. Ioseph and I recommended my self much to him and I haue seen clearly that this Father and Lord of mine hath drawne me as well out of this necessitie as out of other greater when there was question of Honour and Losse of the Soule and that with more benefit and aduantage then euen my self could tell how to desire Nay I cannot remember that hitherto I euer desired anie thing by his meanes which he hath failed to obtaine for me and it is able euen to amaze me when I consider the great Fauours which Almightie God hath donne me by meanes of this Blessed Saint and the dangers both of Bodie and Soule out of which he hath deliuered me In such sort as that it seemes our Lord hath giuen the grace and power to other Saints to succour men in some one kinde of necessitie of theirs but I finde by good experience that this glorious Saint succours vs in them all and that our Lord will make vs vnderstand that as he would be subiect to S. Ioseph vpon earth and that by enioying the name of his Father and by being as it were his Directour and Tutour he might command him so also he would now in Heauen grant whatsoeuer this Saint should desire This truth hath also been seen by the experience of others whome I haue desired to recommend themselues to this Saint and now manie are growne to be deuoted to him and my self also haue fresh experience of this truth For my part I procured to celebrate his Festiuitie with all the solemnitie I was able to vse but yet with more vanitie then true spirit desiring that it might be performed with much curiositie and exactnes though yet still with good intention But I euer had this of ill That if our Lord enabled me at anie time to doe anie thing which was good it would be full of imperfections and faults whereas towards the doing anie thing amiss and for the exercising of curiositie and vanitie I vsed much diligence and dexteritie and cunning our Lord pardon me for it And now I would faine perswade all the world to be deuoted to this glorious Saint for the great experience which I haue had of the blessings that he obtaines for vs of Almightie God nay I haue neuer knowne anie one who is seriously deuoted to him and performes him particular seruices whome I finde not also to goe proceeding on in vertue for really he assists those soules much which recommend themselues to him And to my best remembrance there are diuers yeares wherein I haue desired somewhat of him vpon his Festiuall Day and I haue euer found it granted and if peraduenture my petition had some little of the indirect belonging to it he redressed it and set it streight for my greater good If I were anie such person as had authoritie to write I would gladly enlarge my self heer to make particular relation of the Fauours which this glorious Saint hath obtained both for me and others but to the end that I may doe no more then I am commanded I must be shorter in manie things then I would and more large in others then is needfull like one in fine who hath little discretion for the doing of anie thing which is good Only I begg for the loue of Almightie God that whosoeuer can belieue me will try the truth of what I say for he shall find by experience how greatly a good thing it is to recommend himself to this glorious Patriarch and to be deuoted to him Especially such as giue themselues to Prayer should alwaies be affectionate to this Saint for I know not how one can thinke of the Queen of the Angells at those times when she suffered so much during the Infancie of our Lord Iesus and not giue thankes to S. Ioseph for the great assistance which he gaue them at that time Whosoeuer wants a Maister who might instruct him to pray let him take this glorious Saint for his guide and he shall neuer loose his way I beseech our Lord that I may haue committed no errour in presuming to speake of this Saint for though I thus professe and publish my self to be deuoted to him yet haue I been euer faultie in the not doing him reall seruices and in not imitating his vertues But now he did like himself by procuring that I might be able to rise and walke and be no longer a Cripple and so I did also like my self in making so ill vse of this fauour But now who would euer haue imagined that I could so soone fall back againe after my receiuing so manie regalo's at the hands of Almightie God and after his Diuine Maiestie had vouchsafed to giue me some Vertues which euen as it were of themselues did awake and stirr me vp to his seruice and after I had seen my self euen as it were dead and in so imminent danger to be condemned to Hell and after he had raised me againe both in Bodie and Soule in such sort that all they who saw me were euen amazed to finde that I could so long be aliue But what is this O my Lord and my God Is this life to be still so dangerous which we are to liue Euen now whilst I am writing this me thinkes that by this fauour and mercie I might be able to say with S. Paul though yet not with such perfection as he sayd it that now It is not I vvho liue but thou O my Creatour vvho liuest in me according to the experience which I haue had some yeares by that little which I am able to vnderstand of my self and still thou holdest and keepest thy hand ouer me and I find my self full of desires and good purposes and in some sort I haue proued also euen by experience of manie things in these late yeares that I would by no meanes doe anie thing which should contradict or cross thy will how little soeuer it might be though yet I well belieue that I
great preparation is also vsed and prouision made for euerie one of them who shall desire to enioy their Spouse Iesus-Christ our Lord hand to hand by liuing chearfully and euerlastingly in the sayd Rule For this is that verie thing which they are alwaies to resolue They alone with him alone and they are to be no more then thirteen for I see by the opinion of manie that this is fitt and I haue found it also to be true by experience That to preserue that Spirit which they haue and to liue of Almes without asking anie thing of anie Creature there will not be meanes for more And euer let them be beleiued best who with manie troubles of their owne and by meanes of the manie prayers of others procured that that might be done which was best And so also by the consideration of the great contentment and ioy and the very little care and trouble which we see euerie bodie to haue in this House as also by the much better health which now they haue then formerly they were wont to enioy it may be held and hoped that this course will fall-out to be most conueniēr And whosoeuer shall still conceaue that the way of life heer is too seuere and sharpe let him rather apply the fault to his owne want of Spirit then cast it vpon that Discipline which is obserued heer since persons who are of delicate constitution and haue no health of which to brag doe yet so easily obserue this Rule because they haue Spirit And let those others goe in God's name to some other Monasterie where they also may be saued according to the Spirit which they shall haue THE SEAVEN AND THIR TIETH CHAPTER She treates of the Effects vvhich vsed to remaine in her Soule vvhen our Lord had done her anie Fauour and she accompanies this Discourse vvith very profitable Doctrine She declares also hovv vve are to procure and greatly esteem the gaining of one degree of glorie more and hovv vve must not for anie trouble or paines forsake those benefits and blessings vvhich are euerlasting I Am loath to recount anie more of those Fauours which our Lord hath done me then such as I haue related already yea and euen they are more I doubt then need to be thought to haue been shewed to so miserable a Creature as my self but yet to obey our Lord who hath commanded it and your Reuerence also who expect it I will declare some things heer to his glorie And I humbly beseech his Diuine Maiestie that it may serue for the profit of some Soule to see that our Blessed Lord would vouchsafe so highly to fauour so wretched a thing as I am for then what will he not doe for such others as shall procure to serue his Diuine Maiestie in good earnest And euerie bodie will so be encouraged heerby to giue our Lord contentment and gust since euen in this mortall life of ours he vouchsafes to impart to vs such assurances and euen pawnes of his loue But first it is heer to be vnderstood that in all these Fauours which Almightie God is pleased to doe to a Soule there is euer more glorie or lesse as he himself is pleased to impart it more or lesse For the glorie and gust and comfort which he imparts is so much more in some Visions then in other as that I was euen amazed to find so great difference of enioying euen in this life For it happens that there is so great an excellencie belonging to some one Regalo or gust which our Lord imparts in some one Vision or in some one Rapt that it seemes an impossible thing to be able so much as to desire anie thing beyond it in this life nor doth the Soule indeed desire more nor would euen wish for more ioy and gust though yet since our Blessed Lord hath been pleased to giue me to vnderstand how great the difference is in Heauen between the glory which is enioyed by some that which is enioyed by others I am come to see very clearly that euen heer also there are no set limits in giuing when our Lord pleases And so could I also wish that there were no limits set in my doing Seruice to his Diuine Maiestie but that I would employ my whole strength and health and life vpon it that so I might not loose the least imaginable proportion of my enioying anie Celestiall blessing through anie fault of mine And heerin I declare my self thus farre That if this choice should be offered me Whether I would be subiect to all afflictions of the world euen till the end of the same world and then ascend by that meanes to the enioying of neuer so little more glorie or els without anie affliction at all to enioy a little lesse glorie I would most willingly accept of all those troubles and afflictions for a little more enioying that so I might also vnderstand more of the greatnes of Almightie God because I see that he who vnderstands more of him doth both praise him and loue him so much the more I say not but that I should be fully contented and should esteem my self very happie to be in Heauen though it were but in the most inferiour place thereof for our Blessed Lord would shew an abundance of mercie thereby to such an one as had been designed to Hell-Fire as I was and I humbly pray his Diuine Maiestie that he will not cast his eye vpon my great Sinnes but that in fine I may goe to Heauen But that which I say is this That if our Lord would giue me grace to labour much for him and if I were able to doe it I would not vpon anie tearmes how much paine soeuer it might cost me forgoe the gaine of anie thing in the way of Celestiall glorie by my fault miserable Creature that I am who had once lost it all through mine owne great Sinnes But heer it is also to be noted that in euerie Fauour or Vision or Reuelation which our Lord allowed me my Soule did still remaine with some great aduantage or gaine and sometimes with a gaine which was very extraordinarily great by meanes of some of my Visions For by my seing Christ our Lord his admirable and excessiue beautie remained imprinted in me and I haue it euen to this day for in such a case as this one onlie time serues the turne and therefore how much more when it happens so very often as our Lord hath vouchsafed to impart it to me In particular I remained with one which was extreamly considerable and it was this I was subiect to a very great fault by which much hurt came vpon me whensoeuer I beganne to obserue that anie one had a good inclination to me For if I liked him well I grew to carrie so much affection to him as that my memorie would bind me after a sort to be still thinking of him though yet it were not at all with anie intention to offend Almightie God
high and abstracted Nature of the verie Contents of the Booke Partly through the great length of the Periods Partly through the multitude sometimes of Parenthesis euen in the same sentēce Partly through her forbearing to vse those Particles in the beginning of the said Sentences as namelie For But Yet Therefore and the like vvithout vvhich it is not alwayes so easie to discerne whether the Discourse be either continued or interrupted or ended and partlie cheiflie by the ill printing and vvorse pointing of all the Spanish Coppyes vvhich I could euer come to see All vvhich I am faine to alleadge by vvay of an humble excuse for vvhatsoeuer errour I may haue inuoluntarilie committed in this case But howsoeuer I heer present it to the glorie of Almightie God to the praise of this Excellent Saint and to the consolation of these Children of hers vvho are no lesse then a kind of counterpoise to the miserie of the times vvherein vvee liue But now as soone as I had translated the Worke a certaine vvise vvorthie man my freind tooke knowledge of it and desired mee by a verie earnest letter of his to vsher this Booke into the vvorld vvith a Preface of mine owne vvhich might open the Readers eye the more easilie to behold the Saint vvhen she followed and so also to giue some notice of her Children who are following her And though I alleadged my reasons why this might be lesse necessarilie done yet still he vrged me to it and so I made his Will mine owne and accordinglie shall speake a few of my thoughts I say some few of my thoughts For whosoeuer hath studied the person of the Glorious S. Teresa vvell vvill find so much to say as if he haue a minde to say all he may doe vvel not to beginne since it vvill neuer be in his power to make an end such a full sea is this excellent Saint of all perfection vvhich hath neither Bottome nor Brimme I vvill therefore say verie little of her heer and that shall cheiflie tend to let you see how highlie this Life vvich vvas vvritten by the Saint her selfe is authorised and hovv punctuallie it deserues to be beleiued forasmuch as may any vvay concerne the truth of the Historicall part thereof as also the excellencie of the Order vvhich she both Reformed and Erected But for the present you may first be pleased to consider that vvee find the Liues of Saints to be vvritten by three seuerall kindes of persons For some are deliuered by men who are onlie eminēt in the Historicall vvay and they deserue to be esteemed and beleiued for the merit of that worth which shall appeare vvhatsoeuer it fall-out to be The second sort is vvhen the Writers are not onlie vvorthie Men but are withall so great Seruants of Almightie God as to be acknowledged by the Christian vvorld for Saints as S. Athanasius vvho vvrote the Life of S. Anthonie S. Epiphanius of seuerall Prophets S. Hierome of S. Paul and S. Hilarion both of them Heremits S. Gregorie the Great of S. Bennet S. Bonauenture of the Humble and Admired S. Francis and the like who deserue a farre higher credit then the former in regard that the vvriters were Saints The Third is when Saints themselues vvrite their owne Liues as the Incomparable S. Augustin did a great part of his in the Diuine Booke of his Confessions vpon the excesse admiration wherein he vvas at the vnspeakable Mercie of Almightie God for remouing all the miseries of his Soule And the Relations of such Liues as these are incomparably of the most credit of all For first no bodie knowes so vvell vvhat passes concerning a man as himself And Saints are verie farre from saying anie thing vvhich is not exactlie true and especiallie if the Saints be such as that they be also endued vvith verie great naturall parts of Witt and Memorie and Iudgement forasmuch as concernes the Braine or Vnderstanding as they vvill be sure to be vvith Truth and Sinceritie Candour forasmuch as may concerne the Hart or Will For as these Morall parts vvill keep them from deceauing others so the Intellectuall vvill secure them from being deceaued themselues and vvill make them define and diuide and suspect and doubt and aske before they fullie resolue to beleiue much more before they vvill publish things to the vvorld And now as the Incomparable S. Augustin vvas called by the consideration of his owne great Sinnes and God's greater Mercies to declare his Life in the neuer enough admired Booke of his Confessions so also did the Glorious S. Teresa the self same thing in effect in this Booke but by direction of her Ghostlie Father Not yet that he did so much as incline her to publish her owne imperfections and sinnes nay rather he did the direct contrarie but onlie to declare her Forme of Prayer togeather vvith the Fauours vvhich our Lord imparted to her therein But novv she vpon that occasion vvould needs make her owne Processe in view of the World shew as incident to the rest hovv ill she had complyed vvith Almightie God from time to time And by this meanes doth she in effect vveaue that great peice of rich Cloth-of-gold and Tislue vvhich concernes almost the Historie of her vvhole Life and novv the same is hungout abroad to the vievv of the vvorld But yet amongst all the excellencies thereof there is one thing vvhich displeases manie vvorthie vvise holie men or at least vvhich pleases them lesse then the rest And it is that vvhensoeuer there is anie question at all of her self in order either to Vertue or Vice she vvould neuer trust her ovvne eyes though they vvere so cleare and good as the vvorld knovves but shee resolued to vvorke vvith Perspectiue-Glasses of different yea euen contrarie kindes For vvhen she described her Vertues she serued her self of a Diminishing-glasse which made them seem so little as to be no more then a kind of Nothing But on the other side when she gaue account of her Imperfections she vvould by no meanes know them by anie other name then of Vices and Sinnes because she tooke a Multiplying-Glasse to her self for feare least els those Mole-hills should not seem Mountaines Novv in the strength of this vvel-meaning and holie kind of errour which she incurred if anie errour may vvell deserue so indulgent a name she gaue her self too great scope if the Reader vvould needs take her at her vvord to violate her ovvne excellent fame by certaine too venturous dashes of her penn vvhich vvas driuen too too hastily on by the impulse of a kind of inordinate Humilitie In such sort as that if a bodie vvere disposed to trust his eyes alone vvithout his reason he might be easilie dravvne to passe a verie erroneous Iudgement vpon her Soule For she vvill tell you in tvventie places of this Booke What a grieuous Sinner she vvas What a multitude of great sinnes she had in her conceipt committed
also with hauing begunne so to vse Prayer as that I might be able to carrie my paine with much conformitie to his holie will The conuersation of my hart was wholy with him and I carried these words of Iob very vsually both in my thought and in my mouth Since vve haue receaued blessings and benefits at the hand of our Lord vvhy should vve not also suffer afflictions And I conceaued that this holpe to giue me courage At length came the Feast of our B. Ladie in August for till then from the April before had my torment continued though yet it had been greater in the three last moneths I then made hast to goe to Confession for I euer tooke much contentment to Confesse often My friends thought that it was feare of death which inuited me to be so deuout and so to the end that I might not be put into apprehension my Father would not let mee Confesse O inordinate and irregular loue of flesh and bloud since though I had so Catholick a Father and so full of prudence and consideration in all his actions which euen abounded in him for this could not be an effect of ignorance yet he might haue donne me hurt enough by this meanes That night I fell into such a Trance as continued to keepe me neer foure dayes without the vse almost of anie of my senses and shortly they came to giue me the Sacrament of Extreame Vnction and euerie hower or rather euerie moment it was expected when I should expire they being as diligent in saying the Creede in my hearing as if I had vnderstood them yea sometimes they held me for so certainly to be dead that afterwards I found the drops of the holie Wax-candles about mine eyes The affliction of my Father was great for his not hauing permitted me to goe to Confession Manie outcryes and manie prayers were made to Almightie God for me and blessed be he who was pleased to heare them for the Graue remaining open in the Church of my Monasterie a day and a half where my bodie was expected to be interred and my Funerall hauing been already celebrated by the Religious men of our Order in another towne where it was conceaued that I was dead our Lord was yet pleased at length that I should teturne to my self and so instantly I would needs goe to confession I receaued also the B. Sacrament with manie teares though yet in my opinion they were not shed with that sense and grief for only my hauing offended Almightie God which might haue serued to saue my soule if the errour into which I was brought by them who had told me that they were not matters of mortall sinne which afterward I saw plainly that they were might not serue my turne For the torments wherewith I remained were intollerable and my vnderstanding not very sharpe but rather dull though yet as I conceaued my Confession were entire of all things whereby I might thinke that I had offended God For this mercie did his Diuine Maiestie vouchsafe to allow me amongst others that after I had once begunne to receaue the B. Sacrament I neuer omitted to Confesse anie thing which I conceaued to be a sinne though it were but Veniall Though yet still me thinkes that without doubt my soule might haue runne hazard not to be saued if I had dyed then in regard that on the one side my Ghostlie Fathers had been so meanly learned and on the other side and indeed on manie sides in regard that in my self I was so wicked But this is alwaies a most certaine truth that when I returne to a thought of this passage and consider how it seemes as if our Lord had raised me againe from death to life I am filled with so huge an amazement that I remaine euen as it were all quaking within my self And now me thinkes it were well O my soule that thou wouldst gather this iust resolution from that great danger out of which it pleased our Lord to deliuer thee that although thou wouldst not fly from offending his Diuine Maiestie for Loue yet at least thou shouldst forbeare to doe it for Feare For he might haue taken thy life from thee a thousand times when thou wert in a more dangerous state and I thinke that I should not say too much if I did speake of a thousand times more though he perhaps may chide me who commanded me to vse moderation in the recitall of my sinnes and yet I doubt that I haue painted them out too fauourably and faire But I begg of him for the loue of our Lord that he will not once thinke of making me diminish my faults because the magnificence of Almightie God is to be discerned thereby and how much he is pleased to suffer and endure from a soule Let him be Blessed for euer and let it also please his Diuine Maiestie that he may rather consume me quite then that I should euer leaue to loue him more THE SIXT CHAPTER She treates of hovv much she ovved our B. Lord for his giuing her Conformitie to his holie vvill in so great afflictions And hovv she tooke the glorious S. Ioseph for her Intercessour and hovv aduantagious that Deuotion proued to be I Remained during those foure dayes of Agonie or Trance in such state that only our B. Lord is able to know the vnsufferable torments which I felt in my self My toung was deeply bitten by me in manie places My throat with hauing taken nothing and by reason also of my very great weaknes could not swallow so much as a drop of water without choaking Me thought I was totally disioynted and my head in extreame disorder I was also as it were all rowled vp and contracted as if I had been a Bottome of Packthridd for in this did the torments of those dayes fixe themselues without my being able once to stirr either hand or foot arme or head vnlesse they moued me anie more then as if I had been dead Only I thinke I was able to wagg one single fingar of my right hand Now for anie bodie to touch me in anie kinde there was no meanes at all for my whole person was so affected and afflicted as that there was no enduring to haue it touched In a sheet they would be remouing me now and then according to the occasion with one at one end therof another at the other and this lasted till Easter Only this I had by way of ease that if I were not approached and touched these torments would be ceasing manie times and then vpon the account of my being in lesse paine I was content to affirme my self to be well But indeed I was much afrayd least my patience should beginne to faile me and therfore I was not a little pleased to find my self without those sharpe and continuall torments though yet I had them after an vnsupportable manner togeather with a very great detestation of food whilst I had those fierce colds which indeed
in the Garden it vvas to my thinking as if our Lord had made it to be vttered for me so quick vvas that sense vvhich I had therof in my hart and I vvas for a very great vvhile euen dissolued as it vvere in teares and felt a great affliction and vexation O my deare Lord hovvmuch doth a Soule grovv to suffer and vvhat torments doth it endure for the loosing of her libertie vvhilst yet she vvas created and ordained to be the Ladie of her self and to command For my part I am in a wonder how I could be able to endure so great torments But blessed be Almightie God who gaue me life till I might get out of that so deadly a death And now me thought my Soule was obtaining great strength at the hands of that Diuine Maiestie and that now he might grow to be pleased to heare my Outcryes and haue compassion of my so manie teares Vpon this my affection to spend more time with him beganne to encrease and to take my self also out of the way of ill occasions for when they once were gone I began to loue his Diuine Maiestie againe At least I thought I might conclude my self then to loue him but the truth is that I vnderstood not as I ought to haue vnderstood in what the true loue of God did consist and to the best that I am able to iudge I did euen scarce make an end of disposing my self finally to resolue to serue him when his Diuine Maiestie began already to vouchsafe me new Regalos and Fauours And it seemes that what others must be glad to endeauour to get with much labour our Lord was faine to find meanes to make me content to accept which was in these latter yeares to delight and regale me in great measure I neuer presumed to desire that he would giue me euen so much as anie tendernes of deuotion but I only begd so great mercie as might winne him to allow me pardon for my sinnes already committed and so much grace as that I might committ no more But I seing how great they were durst neuer aduisedly desire anie regalo's or spirituall delights at his hands for me thought he shewed me pittie enough and it was really a very eminent mercie to consent that I should ariue to be in his presence considering how well I knew that if himself had not procured it I should neuer haue come Only once in my whole life I remember that whilst I was in great drynes of Deuotion I desired him to giue me some little spirituall gust but as soone as I reflected vpon what I had donne I remained so full of confusion by it that the onlie vexation I had to see my self with so little humilitie did giue me that verie aduantage which I had presumed to beg I was not ignorant that it might be no way an vnlawfull thing to desire it but I conceaued that this was true for them vvho vvere vvell disposed to receiue it by their hauing procured true deuotion vvith all their power vvhich consists in not offending Almightie God and in being inclined and resolued to doe all that vvhich vvas good And mee thought those teares of mine vvere but faint and feminine teares and vvithout anie force or strength since I obtained not that by them which I desired though yet vpon the whole matter I also belieue that they were vsefull to me as I haue sayd For in particular after those two seuerall times of that so great compunction and trauaile of hart which I had I beganne to giue my self more to Prayer and to interest my self lesse in such things as might doe me hurt though yet I did not vtterly giue them ouer but God as I was saying went helping me to withdraw my self out of those dangers For his Diuine Maiestie did but expect some preparation or disposition in me that so his Spirituall Fauours might grow on in such sort as I shall relate our Lord being not accustomed to grant them but to such as maintaine their Consciences in more puritie then mine had formerly possessed THE TENTH CHAPTER She beginnes to declare the Fauours vvhich our Lord did her in Prayer and speakes of that vvherein vve may be able to help our selues And hovv much it also imports vs to vnderstand the said Fauours vvhich our Lord is pleased to doe vs. She humbly desires of him to vvhome she sends this account of herself that vvhatsoeuer she shall declare from hence forvvard may remaine in secret vvith him since he had commanded her to set dovvne in so particular a manner the Fauours vvhich our Lord vvas pleased to doe her I Enioyed sometimes as I sayd some beginnings of that which I shall now declare though it vsed to passe away very quickly It fell out in this representation whereof I spake when I placed my self neer Christ our Lord yea and sometimes also when I would be reading that there would come suddainly vpon me and without either expectation or anie immediate preparation on my part such an euident feeling of the presence of Almightie God as that I could by no meanes doubt but that either he was within me or els I all ingulfed in him This was not in the manner of a Vision but I thinke they call it Mysticall Theologie and it suspends the Soule in such sort that she seems to be wholy out of her self The Will is in act of louing the Memorie seems to me to be in a manner lost the Vnderstanding in my opinion discourses not although it be not lost yet it workes not in that kinde as I was saying but remaines as it were amazed to consider how much it vnderstands though yet it pleases God that it vnderstand it self also not to vnderstand fully anie part of that which his Diuine Maiestie represents to it Before this time I had been vsed to finde a very constant and continuall tendernes or sweetnes which I thinke may in some part be procured and it is a regalo which is neither wholy sensuall nor wholy spiritual but it is wholy the guift and blessing of Almightie God and it seemes that we may greatly help towards the obtaining this for our selues by considering our owne basenes and the ingratitude which we vse towards Almightie God how much he did for vs his Passion and grieuous Torments his whole Life which was so full of affliction to delight our selues in considering his Workes and his Greatnes how much he loues vs and manie other such things as these vpon which whosoeuer shall haue care to profit will be able to fall manie times though yet he haue iust then no particular designe that way And if togeather with these reflections the partie fall out to be possessed and seazed with anie loue of Almightie God the Soule will be all regaled the hart will be full of tendernes and relenting and teares will also abound which sometimes we shall seem to haue gotten as it were by force and at other times
Soule did at that time And our Lord sayd this to me in these words It doth my Daughter dissolue and defeat it self to be so the more ingulfed in me for novv it is no longer she vvho liues but I and since she cannot cōprehend that vvhich she vnderstands her very vnderstanding it after a kind of Morrall vvay vvhich she doth is really a not vnderstanding it after a strict comprehensiue vvay vvhich she is not able to doe He who shall haue had triall of this by experience will be able to ariue to the expression of some part therof but as for me I cannot deliuer that more clearly which passes heer since it is so very obscure I can only say that in this case their being then so close to Almightie God is represented to them and there remaines such a kinde of certaintie therof that it cannot possibly faile to be beleiued And now heer all the Powers of the Soule fall short of operation and are suspended in such sort that by no meanes as I haue sayd it can possibly be vnderstood that they worke If she were thinking of some Mysterie it is instantly so forgottē as if there had neuer beē anie such thought If she were reading there is no remembrance of it nor yet of pawsing and if praying vocally in like manner So that now this importunate little Gnatt of the Memorie hath her wings burnt heer and can now no longer spring-vp nor stirre The Will also is now employed all in louing though it vnderstād not how it loues The Vnderstanding if it vnderstand it is not yet vnderstood how it vnderstands and at least it can comprehend nothing of that which it vnderstands To me it doth not seem that it vnderstands because as I was saying it is not vnderstood and for my part I attaine not to vnderstand all this At the first I chanced to be in so great an ignorance as not to know that Almightie God was in all things and considering how very present I conceiued him to be to me it seemed impossible for me to beleiue the cōtrarie To leaue therefore to beleiue that he was there I could not because it seemed to me as it were apparantly and clearly that I had vnderstood his verie Presence to be there Some men who were not learned told me that he was only there by his Grace which still I could not possibly beleiue because as I was saying I held him to be directly present otherwise and thus I cōtinued with some trouble But at length a great learned man of the Order of the Glorious S. Dominick freed me from this doubt and told me not only that he was present but that he also communicated himself to vs which comforted me very much But now it is heer to be noted and vnderstood that this Celestiall Water is alwaies a most eminent Fauour of our Lord and giues the Soule excessiuely great aduantages as I shall now declare THE NINETEENTH CHAPTER She prosecutes the same Discourse and beginnes to declare the effects vvhich this Degree of Prayer vvorkes in the Soule She persvvades men earnestly not to turne back nor to giue-ouer their Prayer though they should happen to fall euen after they had receaued these Fauours She speakes of the great harme vvhich vvill ariue to them if they doe othervvise This Discourse is much to be noted and it is of great consolation for vveake persons and Sinners THe Soule doth in this Prayer and Vnion remaine with an excessiue kind of tendernes in such sort that she would faine euen defeat and dissolue her self not through paine or trouble but by abundance of teares of ioy wherein she is bathed without so much as feeling or knowing how or when she wept them It giues her a great delight to find the impetuous force of that fire appeased and allayed by Water which yet makes it encrease so much the more This language of mine may seem to be a kind of gibberidge but yet thus stands the case It hath hapned to me sometimes when I was in this part of this Prayer to be so wholy out of my self as that I knew not whether I were awake or asleep or whether in verie deed I had been in that glorie which I felt and whether it were true that I was indeed so all bathed in water which distilled with such force and speed from mine eyes that it seemed as if a very Clowde of Heauen had rayned it downe but in fine I found that it was no dreame This hapned to be in the beginnings of this Prayer and it passed quickly ouer But the Soule remaines so couragious thereby that if it were possible for her to be cut into a thousand peices for God's sake it would be of extreame consolation to her And now heer come in all her promises her heroicall resolutions the liuelie efficacie of her desires her beginning to abhorre the world her clearlie discerning her owne vanitie and all this much more perfectly and more highly then it hapned in anie of her former Prayers Her humilitie is also growne much stronger for now she very clearly discernes that no diligence at all of her owne was anie peice of a cause for bringing her that excessiue and incomparable Fauour nor for making her enioy the same She sees now clearly that she is a most vnworthie Creature for in anie roome where there enters a strong and cleare Sunne-Beame there is not the least and thinnest Cobweb which can lye hid She now lookes very clearly vpon her owne miserie and now she is so very free from Vaine-Glorie that it seems a kind of impossible thing for her to haue anie because now already she hath it euen in her verie eye how little she is able to performe or rather in verie deed that it is iust nothing at all and that in this case there was hardly so much as anie cōsent of hers but that it seems that euen whether she would or no they shut the gates of all her Senses vp to the end that she might so the better enioy her Lord and that now since she remaines all alone with him what can she haue to doe but to loue him She neither can see nor heare vnlesse she be made to doe so as it were by very strong hand and therefore there is little for which to thanke her Her former life growes then to be represented to her with perfect truth togeather with the great mercie of Almightie God And all this occurrs to her without anie necessitie at all that her Vnderstanding should now goe hunting after it For there doth she already find all this kind of food readie dressed for her to vnderstād and eat Of her self she sees very well that she deserues Hell-Fire and that now in stead therof they giue her no other punishment then glorie And therefore she doth now euen consume her self in the prayses of Almightie God and now would I be glad euen to consume my self so Blessed be thou O
may not happen to me as it did to Lucifer who lost all by his owne fault Doe not permit this O my Lord I humbly pray thee euen by all that which thou art for it is no small feare which I haue sometimes though yet at other times yea and vsually the mercie of Almightie God giues me a very confident hope that since he hath been pleased to draw me out of so manie Sinnes he will not forsake me so now as to let me be lost And this doe I humbly pray your Reuerence that you will euer desire in my behalfe But in the meane time me thinkes that those precedent Fauours were not so very great as this which I will now apply my self to relate and that for manie reasons manie blessings also and in particular for that great courage strēgth which haue still remained in me vpon that account And therefore if those former may be considered euerie one by it self this other which I am going to relate will be found to be so very great as that there will be no comparison at all between them I was one day and the same fell out to be vpon the Vigil of Pentecost or VVhitsontide after Masse and I went to a more remote place where I often vsed to pray and I beganne to read in a certaine Booke of this Feast which had been written by a Carthusian And meeting there with those signes which both Beginners and Proficients and Perfect Soules vse to haue and how they may come to vnderstand whether the Holie-Ghost doe inhabit their harts or no as soone as I had read these three States it seemed to me that Almightie God through his goodnes did not leaue or faile to be present with me after a particular manner for as much as I might be able to vnderstand And whilst I was praising his Diuine Maiestie for that blessing I remembred that I had read the same thing formerly when I wanted very much of that condition of minde and then I saw that I wanted it as plainly as now I vnderstand the direct contrarie concerning my self But thus I came to know the great Fauour which our Blessed Lord had done me and from thence I grew also to consider the Place which my Soule had deserued in Hell for my Sinnes and I gaue great praise to Almightie God in regard that now me thought my Soule was so extreamly changed that I could hardly almost conceaue it to be the verie self-same thing which it had been before Being then in this consideration there came a great impulse or impetuositie vpon me without my being able to vnderstand the occasion thereof Me thought my verie Soule had a minde to get instantly out of my Bodie for now she could not possibly containe her self any longer nor found she her self at that time to be able to stay anie longer heer in the painefull expectation of so great a Good Now this was so excessiue an impulse or impetuositie that I could not possibly tell euen what to doe with my self nor so much as what I ayled so extreamly was I growne to be in disorder And though I were sitting then yet was I not able euen to sitt and so I applyed my self a little to leane for I found that all my naturall forces began to faile me But perceauing my self to be in this case I saw a Doue vpon mine owne head but such a Doue as was very different from them of this world for she had not of our kind of feathers but the wings were as of certaine little shells which darred a huge splendour from themselues This Doue was much greater then any ordinarie Doue and me thought I heard a noise which she made with her wings for she was fluttering about the space of an Aut Maria. But my Soule was already in such condition that growing to loose her self she also lost the sight of the Doue My Spirit did then beginne to quiet it self vpon the entertaining of such a Guest as she had gotten though yet for my part I imagined that so wondrous an encounter and accident as that was might well haue disquieted and frighted it But she beginning already to enioy layd quickly all feare aside and togeather with the self same ioy grew to haue quietnes withall but yet still remaining in the Rapt Now the glorie of this Rapt was extreamly great and I remained during the most part of the whole Festiuitie of Pentecost so stunned and euen as it were besorted and befooled that I knew not what to dot with my self nor was I able by anie meanes to vnderstand how so high and great a Fauour as this was could possibly find a resting place in me I neither heard nor saw in effect by reason of the great excesse of my interiour ioy I vnderstood how from that day forward my Soule remained with a very great encrease of improuement by enioying a more sublime loue of Almightie God and that my vertues also had gained a great encrease of strength Now let him be blessed and praised for all eternities Amen I saw also at another time the same Doue vpon the head of a certaine Father of S. Dominick's Order saue that me thought both the beames and the brightnes of the verie wings did spread and extend themselues much further and it was giuen me then to vnderstand that he was to winne Soules to God Another time I saw our Blessed Ladie putting a white long Garment vpon the back of a certaine Graduate of the same Order of whome I haue spoken formerly diuerse times and she told me that she had giuen him that Mantle for hauing assisted in the Busines of this House and that his Soule should be defended and preserued for the future in such puritie as that he should not fall into Mortall Sinne. And I assure my self it proued so for he dyed within few yeares after yea and he did both line and dye with so great Per nance and sanctitie that there can be no doubt thereof for anie thing that we are able to vnderstand And a certaine Religious man who had been at his death told me that S. Thomas of Aquin had been with him and that he dyed both with great ioy and with desire also to be deliuered from this bannishment wherein he was Since that time he hath appeared to me in very much glorie and told me diuerse things He was a man of so great Prayer that when a little before he dyed he would gladly haue forborne the exercise thereof through his great weaknes he was not able to doe it for euen then he had manie Rapts He wrote to me a little before he dyed about what course I thought he were best to take for helpe because euer as soone as he had done Masse he vsed to fall into Rapts which would last long without his being able to forbeare them But our Lord gaue him at length the reward of the great Seruice he had done him during his whole life Of