am methinks like Jonah tumbling My Soul in a Tempest in the bottom of the Sea the Bars of an earthly and dark Mind are stopping my way and am as lifeless methinks as if I had no Interest in the Fountain of Saving Health The Weeds are wrapp'd about my head I am in the Deep but cannot cry unto the Lord as Jonah did And what the Lord is teaching me by this unexpected disappointment I cannot yet tell yet notwithstanding I have hope in him that I shall yet be rescued from this Captivity and see his Face again I have been searching after all my sins through the several Ages of my Life and endeavoured to view the Depravity of my Soul in all the sinful Circumstances of every sin but I cannot wind my self out my design was to get thereby to a more sincere Closure with Christ but e're I was aware I had challenged forth more Enemies than I could well suppress I thought by aggravating my sins to have gotten more hunger after Jesus Christ but like over-much cold Water it damped my Stomach and I found Sickness seizing upon me rather than Hunger a heartless Stupidity instead of Believing I concluded I was in some kind or other out of my way or else had not prepared my Stomach to keep out the Infection that exhaled from that Body of Death which is within me as I should have done whiles I was moving the Limbs thereof The thing I aimed at was quickning Then I remembred that word Luk. 24. 5. Why seek ye the living among the dead Come not amongst the Graves without his company who died for sins and is risen from the Dead I could not be satisfied about the sincerity of my Repentance and there I stuck till at length I remembred that Christ rose again as well to give Repentance as Remission of Sins Act. 5. 31. and 11. 18. so that I can bring no Repentance to him but I must first get it from him He is exalted to be a Prince and a Saviour to give Repentance c. A Saviour to take away all the defects of my Repentance a Prince to overcome all the difficulties and to create in me a sound Mind against the Infirmites of my Repentance and my halting therein Take then O mighty Prince and Saviour this work into thy own hands and create a right Spirit within me So that now my gadding Spirit is My Soul returning to its Strong Hold. brought back again to see that Christ is the Alpha and Omega the Author and Finisher of whatever doth concern the new Creature And although he be so yet how hard is it to venture my Soul and Body my whole Hope and Care into his hands by faith in his Word I had need know such an one very well with whom I am to venture my Journey through a Warfaring Life here and shortly through Death and Judgment too and so into the Ocean of Eternity O dear Jesus who art my Lord and my God who canst renew my heart and none else can do it breath upon me and say Receive the Holy Ghost Cast thy Mantle upon me and let the Unction of thy Spirit be so shed abroad throughout my whole Soul that my heart may be entirely thine thine only that thy self only may be the Covering of my eyes instead of all other Objects And now what should hinder but The Soul first improves Baptism that at length I should solemnly in the presence of God the Father Son and Spirit and in the presence of all the elect Angels pursue the ends of that Covenant which was sealed by Christ's Appointment to me in Baptism through whose hands soever that Ordinance was appointed and permitted to pass upon me Was not that a Divine Prophesie which Balaam himself spake which passed through his Mouth Numb 24. 17. There shall come a Star out of Jacob c. and can the Ordinance of Christ be made void through whose hands soever it came and in what unworthy Robe soever it was drest Did the sacred Ark lose its vertue by being in the Philistines Custody Did he forsake it who dwelt between the Cherubims Was the Mercy-seat forsaken and become like common Metal Why then should this Ordinance be lost to me in the substance of it though it may be some humane Scurf was laid upon it And have I not more reason to hope through Covenant-Grace that the Faith and Prayers of my dear Parents then and since are in force for a Blessing upon it to me than the defects of others in the manner of Administration can have to hinder it especially seeing now I desire humbly to take hold of the Covenant and with my own consent to say I agree to the Condescension of thy Grace and Love my dear Lord I catch hold on thy free Love and into thy Name O most holy God the Father Son and Spirit I give my self up through him who confirmed the Covenant and came by Water and Blood to make it effectual I believe Lord help my Unbelief I reach out my hand through thy Grace let thy Grace and Power pull me over to thy self that in the Ark of thy unchangeable Covenant I may be carried above my self and above a miserably drowned World Be not absent O thou who in thy Mercy didst make and impose this Seal of the Covenant as the Badge of one of thy Family for me to wear who also speakest words of Truth and Life when thou saist I baptise thee in the Name of the Father the Son and the Holy Ghost fulfil thy good Word unto me thy Servant in which I desire to hope that thou mayest be mine and I may be thine wholly for ever that I may serve thee and glory in thee with all thy people who are thine own Inheritance Do not hang back O my poor Struggles with Vnbelief heart whose weakness and inconstancy have so often bruised my inward Man O Anxious Unbelief thou tellest me 't is a bargain soon made but how shall it be performed Thou urgest me with difficulties that will arise from the World from my self from the Tryals that I may undergo in my Body my Soul my Estate unwonted Tryals Thou tellest me of the great fits of Darkness and shameful declining I have had after much Refreshment and strong Resolutions to the contrary Thou tellest me that my Falls will now cost me dearer than ever they did and the Holy Spirit will be sooner vexed and grieved than before Thou tellest me I shall soon be weary of my Yoke and then my Sins will be of a deeper and more heart-hardning Die than ever But remember O Soul-destroying Unbelief I rowl my self upon the Rock of Ages I deliver my self up to the Covenant of Grace not to bring strength to it but to fetch strength from it and from that word which saith Sin shall not have Dominion over you for you are not under the law but under grace Rom. 6. 14. And because I am weak
very black and very polluted through my natural pollution and daily infirmity yet through the savour of thy Ointments O precious ever-living ever-interceding Christ let me now be a sweet savour in thy Nostrils and pleasant in thy sight and in the sight of thine and my Father and let me be breathed upon day and night by the Spirit of the Father and the Son that I may now go out about thy work with joy and be led forth by thee with Peace and renewed Testimonies of thy Help and Presence Let the Mountains and Hills break forth before me into singing and all the Trees of the Field clap their hands for joy Glory be to God on high on earth peace because the good Will of God has stooped to such a Worm as I. Instead of the Thorn now let there be a Firr Tree instead of the Bryar a Myrtle Tree let Righteousness and Conformity to thy Will prosper in my Soul as an everlasting sign of this Covenant that it shall never be cut off nor broken What am I O Lord of Heaven and Earth that thou hast brought me hitherto Stablish thy covenant to thy servant as the sure mercies of David for ever And seeing I do now rest in this blessed Covenant leaning upon thee my dearly Beloved let me never nourish halting Enquiries after these sacred Vows to the most high God Let me never devour and destroy this sacred Bond and so turn this present and holy design and inviolable Tie into a Snare Take this Burthen upon thy Sholders O Rock of Ages and let this Covenant and my personal Infirmity also be perpetually before thy eyes to make good thy Covenant upon all occasions and let thy everlasting Arms be always under me to keep my seet from falling To this Covenant with my God and to these my Supplications Confessions and Vows in the name of him who hath called me into this Liberty through the Blood of the Mediator and my dear Redeemer which I declare to be my Act and Deed through his Grace never to be reversed and that it may stand as a Mount and sure Witness all the days of my life that I have at this time and this Evening solemnly and with a sincere aim and full purpose of heart unfained consent and joyful satisfaction laid hold on the Covenant of Grace as my own interest relying on my Mediator's help and strength to see it all performed both on behalf of my God and me and into whose hand I leave it who knows the meaning of his own Spirit To this Covenant I say viz. the whole substance thereof and all the expostulations and desires concerning the same with some faith in fear of love to and hope towards him who alone worketh in me to will and to do according to his good pleasure according to that measure which I have received with a trembling joy I consent and do cast my self into his Arms and subscribe it with my own hand never to be revoked Henry Dorney And seeing this is the accepted The Soul explains its Engagement time in which God hath heard me and a day of Salvation in which he hath succoured me I would yet further put on the Bonds of this glorious Freedom as my Robe for ever and further declare that as my God has often repeated the Kernel of his gracious Covenant sometimes in reference to the time to come Ezek. 11. 20. and 36. 38. sometimes in reference to the time present Isa 43. 3 5. Ezek. 34. 30. sometimes speaking of his people Jer. 24. 7. and sometimes speaking to his people Jer. 30. 22. in all which he appears as one setting forth his unlimited Purpose of good things with variety of Illustration and ground of Assurance to all his Confederate People leading them forth to a plentiful way of righteous and abundant application thereof to themselves and for their use in all cases for ever I do also declare that my scope and sense in this my covenanting with God is that through his strength I will disown all rebellings and repinings against his threatnings reproofs and chastisements and that I will disown the stifling of any of his convictions because they are dispensations of his Grace and means whereby to partake more and more of his Holiness Heb. 12. 5 6 10. My scope and sence further is that my heart shall lie open to all the Commands of my God and that I will own them as my Heritage for ever Psal 119. 6 111. that they shall be my joy and delight and love whatever they require Psal 119. 97 111. and that because they are his good pleasure and because I account his Rebukes of all sorts and the Commands of all sorts to be the Representations and Beams of his Righteousness and Holiness Psal 119. 75. Jer. 12. 1. 1 Joh. 2. 29. and the very Rays also of the Covenant of his Grace Psal 119. 75. Here is more work for thee O my blessed Surety thy Grace must needs uphold me in all parts of my duty and perfect that which concerneth me I ground my Promise upon thine Isa 25. 4. Joel 3. 16. I had not durst to have promised these things if thou hadst not first promised to do all my Works in me and for me Isa 26. 12. Psal 57. 2. 1 Thes 5. 24. Put on strength O Arm of the Lord let not thy Name be polluted and my boasting in thee turn to thy Reproach Remember thou art all my strength and life For this end I would multiply all the Commands of God in my eye that under my impossibility of Performance through that contradiction and infirmity that is in my flesh I might be swayed by the spirit of Faith into the perfection of Strength and be able to do all things in Christ who strengthneth me and answereth for me Of all the thousands of God's Commands he never required me to do any of them with my own Arm as the Obedience in which he delights but that I should act in strength every moment received from Christ and so work my Works in God all the days of my life Reveal to thy Covenant-servant O Lord that strength which thou allowest me that I may know where it lies and how to derive it to my self for thy work and service according to the scope of this Covenant which at thy gracious Call I offer up my self unto How dost thou necessitate me to thy Yoke and allure me by a gracious violence of Necessity to delight in having my hands and heart tied with the heart-strings of thy love to thy self in this golden Covenant inextricably and for ever Take me O dearly beloved of my Soul nearer and nearer to thy self till all the shadows be gone that then I may behold thy Face and be satisfied with thy Image Oh how soon am I now dazled from a pure and diligent watchfulness how many precious Minutes do slide away from me Sometimes Food is my Snare and sometimes Abstinence is so too sometimes
and such a privilege is very great Let me intreat you give not way to any despondent Melancholy but rejoyce always in the Lord Who is good and his Mercy endureth for ever With my utmost and inmost Affections to your self I leave you in the hands of our faithful God who lives and loves for ever c. 1670. To M. D. N o 106. I Have acquainted you of the plain state of things 't is the Exercise of our gracious Father to try our faith and patience on him let us depend and let me intreat you bear up and not be dismayed or suffer your thoughts to be dejected for God has promised that in every Temptation he will find a way for our escape and Faith is then most excellent where difficulties do most appear he can easily make rough places a Plain 'T will be a great comfort to me to hear that you are careful in nothing I mean with a discontented care but that in all things you make your Requests known by Prayer with Thanksgiving to God for that 's our work and to leave our cares upon him in the use of what means he shall direct The gracious Face of God in Christ shine upon you c. 1670. To M. D. N o 107. Every day here is tedious to me only am now and then refreshed among savoury Acquaintance I have had some difficulties in my own Spirit under the present Dispensation but God has given some hints to me that it shall be for advantage Some Clouds have come but ever and anon it shines again which shews that though Darkness be intermixed yet the Sun is not set nor Day utterly gone nor will ever cease till the present Warfare issues into Freedom and Victory and all through the rich Grace and Faithfulness of God who delighteth in Mercy who will abundantly pardon and save to the uttermost I have you often in my eye and the rest of my dear Friends to whom related in the Fellowship of the Gospel for all whom I offer up daily Requests to our God and Father Let us pray believe hope and rejoyce in our God our Rock He giveth power to the Faint will revive the Weary and never turn from them who wait on him to do them good Oh that whenever we meet again it may be with some advanced degrees of Holiness and spiritual Light and Life more faithful more capacious to take in the Mystery of Christ more discerning our Union with him more inward in our Communion more often in our Converse with him that we may spring upwards with more frequent desires and improve the Grace of Adoption in a greater height of Filial Obedience and with more freedom resolvedness and delight make Christ our All in all Surely God aims at this in our Trials and the Trials of his Church and I trust the Zeal of the Lord of Hosts will effect and perform it I know my Affairs at home do suffer by my absence but God knows how to ballance that loss and therefore while I am serving his present Providence I desire to leave that care upon him c. I commend you to the gracious Bosom of our blessed God and Father even to him who is your best Friend and Keeper and with my choicest Affections I remain c. 1670. To P. D. N o 108. THe best advice which in the first place I would give you and which I would take my self in all straits is seriously to consider the deserving cause of trouble and how far there hath been the least accessariness thereunto and so to spread it penitently before the Lord imploring the help of his Spirit through Jesus Christ to give a thorow Turn to him applying your self heartily and unfeignedly to the Throne of Grace for the removing away all Guilt and that Conscience being cleansed through the Blood of Christ Peace may be made between God and your Soul And if the Lord shall please thus to incline your heart to him 't will be some fore-running Token that he will find a way for he can best do it to take off the edge of Mens severity and turn it though against the Grain of their own Interest into pity and kindness c. 1670. To B. J. D. N o 109. THis Afternoon Mr. M. H. was buried at A. B. Church his Crops attended by many Ministers and others to the Grave and has left a good savour behind him Let us be also ready Nescimus horam Time how short soever is yet before us and Oh that you and I may now know and pursue the things that belong to our Peace before our Sun be set and our feet stumble on the dark Mountains I have no more at present to add but to repeat your own words Sequere Deum with that of the Apostle Superna Curate Perplexity and Uncertainty is some of the best Entertainment which this World can give 'T is good fixing on a Rock that never fails I mean Jesus Christ which the Lord enable you and I to do c. 1671. To B. D. N o 110. BE assured you are much upon my heart 'T is a refreshment to me that you labour to anchor in good Ground reposing your heart on him who is the wonderful Counsellor and also mighty to save Joseph's God is yet alive and those ancient Providences do yet speak he was his God when stript of his party coloured Coat in the Pit in Travel in Prison under false Accusation and in a strange idolatrous Land as well as when he was in his Father's House and this is for our Learning It is a very dark and Cloudy time with us but the Name of God is a strong Tower Safety and Sufficiency is there It is well you still hold on in Faith and Hope and are graciously watered from the Fountain when Streams dry up the Vision will certainly speak in due season The best and securest Refuge is above and there I desire with you to centre My Daughter presents you her due Respects and as a token thereof a Manuscript of her own taking being the Contents of a Sermon lately preached among us containing Matter worthy your Meditation in order to a holy Rest in God and desiring it may be some help to you amidst all your laborious and toilsome Exercise which we are sensible you lie under and commending you to the gracious Protection of the Ruler of the whole Earth the God of Sea and Land beseeching him to be your Guide continually and your safe Convoy I remain c. 1671. To J. D. J. N o 111. WE are heartily desirous of your truest Welfare and whilst you are scanted as to that means of Grace which your Friends enjoy here peruse the Scriptures and such good Books as you have with the more seriousness and enure your self much to Prayer that the awful remembrance of God's Presence and the consideration of his Grace tendered in Jesus Christ to Sinners may be much upon your heart and this will carry you safely and
lower Ebbings and Flowings The Lord be with you c. 1659. To B. D. N o 37. IT were a miserable thing for a gracious heart to suffer Crosses if the Curse were in them but seeing their Nature is changed our misery doth not lie in such Dispensations but our Instructions are therein though it is hard to say and believe it and when the Clouds seem to gather thick over ones head then to claim sheltering teaching and purging Power under the Wings of God and to sing as Luther was wont Psal 46. God is a Refuge for us Selah that is a posture some way becoming an Heir of Life and Glory whose Estate is truly secured beyond Thief or Moth. I am sometimes even amazed to think how short I come of what I seem to be and of real acknowledging that God and living in that absolute blessed Covenant which I profess my self a sharer in And doth not these things require rough Dispensations inward or outward to awaken and send a poor Sinner home to that Advocate who is King Prophet and Priest to help But alas dry words my leanness my leanness yet strong is he who hath in some part already and will yet further one day totally remove all things that offend Let us bless him love him and honour all his ways The Lord help you and I to live above the Changes of this lower World There is a Magnanimity in Faith which overcometh the World if we could but attain that pitch The Lord establish our hearts and hopes upon himself he changes not and blessed be his Name I leave you with him and rest c. 1659. To D. D. N o 38. I Know no Refuge but in God and blessed be his Name his Name is a strong Tower this World is but a withering Portion a bad Prop to lean upon the Covenant of Grace will make amends for all I may not complain unless it be against my Unbelief God must have the Glory of all his works and therefore blessed again and again be his Name he hath not left his people whatever the World expect or think and therefore let us charge our hearts to resist sinful Melancholy his ways are still Mercy and Truth and the Children of Zion must shall and will rejoyce in their King a mighty King their and our Saviour The Lord is the Pilot of his Church and People the Vessel may be tost but cannot miscarry such honour and privilege have all believing Penitents The Clouds are thick below but the Lord rules above and hath said It shall be well with the Righteous And though I am unrighteous yet he who I desire to make the Object of my Faith is perfect and in his Righteousness I trust mine there I would cling and rejoyce in the hope of the Glory of God yet to be revealed c. 1659. To D. H. N o 39. SEeing our time here is a Warfare 't is a comfort to perceive the Lord's presence with any poor Soul so as to make it stand out in hope and prayer while Temptations and Corruptions like fiery Darts are flying thick on every side It never goes desperately ill with those that travel towards Zion and are acquainted with Assaults from Satan and hearttreachery from themselves till they begin secretly to whisper Rebellion against the Covenant and Law of God's Grace and say There is no help for me in God David's Excellency lay not so much that he was freer from Sin and sinful Miscarriages than others but in this that he could not endure to say or hear others say of him There is no help for him in God Psal 71. 11. c. 3. 2. and c. 42. 10. That was the Anchor that made him ride out Storms and the Rope that drew him up out of many a deep Pit Let us use the same means with reverence and yet with freedom God is a jealous God and cannot endure to be accounted changeable Jer. 33. 24 25. he keeps both ends of the Covenant and will not give the Glory of any part of that Trust out of his own hands Every Desire every Thirst and Exercise of Resolution or Hope heavenwards and every Soul and Body-deliverance to such ariseth from this viz. that God is faithful 2 Thes 3. 3. though our Labour and Prayer ought therein also to be employed viz. as the means which God has commanded on our part for a Closing with the efficatious vertue of his Spirit by believing whereby the force of Christ's Death and Resurrection becomes singly applicable to remove Guilt and confer a gracious Conformity to his Nature and the Law of Righteousness in the Soul I see you level at the right Mark and own your Relief from the right place and why may I not say You shall yet see greater things than these c. 1659. To D. H. N o 40. THe Lord be praised that you are within such a Covenant that nothing can befall us for evil while our eye is truly rolling heaven-ward yea within such a Covenant as is confirmed in the Blood of him who is able to turn the heart and eye heaven-ward That God hath dealt so favourably with your heart as to tie it to a hungry pursuit after him is much comfort to my Soul and matter of praise to his Name And I account it no small Mercy that my Child is under your care and both of you under God's gracious Wing When we acquaint one another that every day we live is a day of Battel and that the Enemy within us doth rage this is no reason of discouragement because the Battel is the Lords I am put every day to fly to the City of Refuge and I bless the Lord I never found the Gate quite shut against me yet I am forced sometimes methinks to squeeze in Which difficulty ariseth from my Unbelief and want of retaining a frame of tender Resignation not from any straitening in his Bowels but in my own but these days of distance are hastening away I perceive your eye grows dim the Lord bless the Means for Recovery however be not dismayed you shall want never an eye when your Body shall be raised incorruptibly 't is not long thither the Redeemer will be seen eye to eye and then farewel all Imperfections c. 1659. To D. H. N o 41. I Perceieve B. Cr. hath much trouble through Indisposition of Body and it is good it should be so though disquieting to the Flesh and you have a gracious share I perceive also In such Cases it will be some help to turn our thoughts from poring upon the Affliction it self and endeavour by all means to find out the Lesson which God is teaching thereby for that is properly and truly our work in that Christ hath born the Curse for us he hath taken away the wrathful Penalty and left only an awakening and instructory Nature in all the Afflictions that his People meet with Isa 27. 7 8 9. and 63. 9. Psal 89. 30 31 32 c. Oh that
April 22. Being the Lord's Day in the Afternoon to a Friend that came to see him he expressed himself thus The Doctor hath told me the lightsomest News to day that he hath told me a great while in acquainting me that there is but little hope of my Continuance long in the World but the Afflictions of God's People lie near my heart Oh to be filled with the Spirit three or four hours in Prayer for the Concerns of Sion He farther spake in his particular Case c. thus What if they that have seen me shall see me no more if he sees me that hath seen my Yearnings and Groanings if he sees me again he will not say he knows me not he is a God that will not forget his Promise He who hath seen my Soul in Travel who hath seen those Pangs of desire that no other hath seen he will be ready to say in the Riches of his Grace Here is poor such a one come to my Gate Come to my Knee Come to my Mercy-Seat Oh for affectionate thoughts of God and getting into him they are things that will not dry up they will not wither that will not be parched up Oh blessed be that heart that is thorow in desires Oh where is that glorious Majesty Oh what is it to come to the first Spring of Spiritual Life To come to God to the God that hath carried me into my threescore and tenth Year with a high hand And now he fore-seeing the remainder of my days would be Sorrow and Labour to the Body he calls me off And what is threescore and ten Years compared with Eternity A poor Pittance of time wherein God hath had very little Service from me Thus I parle a little about it to get some deep thoughts of that unspeakable Majestick Grace Little can I say of my Religion more than this I love the Lord in all he did I love him in all his Image I may say I may lay me down and rest for the Lord sustaineth me I have no other I desire no other Lord glorifie thy Name I have had caring thoughts about my self and others but now thou seemest to determine the matter Thou didst see I could not stand in the Shock but in thy strength I could have stood But thou wilt not cause all thy Waves and thy Billows to pass over me Thou hast had thy Champions and wilt have thy Champions Lord the Clouds arise apace the Wicked are full of Wrath they would root out thy Interest they would make Jacob low they are set upon Mischief and Spight Arise arise O God let the Lamb deliver let the Lamb overcome let thy unreasonable Enemies be turned over to Judgment Beautifie the place of thy Holiness confirm the Weak fix the Staggering Let thy People be able to meet Sufferings to put on Faith and Patience and say Aha Aha We are for God and his Ways Let thy People meet Death meet Losses meet whatever the Enemy can do and say We scorn your Cruelty Oh that thy People may stick by thee when there is nothing but Violence and Contradiction of thy Will O Lord work wonders for thy People break the Arm cut asunder the Bow of the Ungodly Oh let Shame be upon those that would take away thy Worship Glorifie thy self appear and stand an invincible Champion in Israel Let the earth know that thou dost possess the Gates of thine Enemies Let my Soul come into the Bundle of Life let my Soul come to all that that is promised by Jesus Christ I am to receive the Salvation of my Soul with exceeding Joy Am I near to the great Revelation of Christ to know more than ever Solomon did with that Perfection of Nature he had and Attainment of Grace Am I near to attain more than ever Paul could reach to by the Power of Grace and to know more of the Covenant of Grace than Abraham himself did and all the Saints while they were here in the World Oh I am confounded I am confounded and astonished I wonder I wonder at Free Grace and am amazed for want of more Faith The Filthy the Filthy duggle of a respect to my own Works which would follow me and spoil me and spoil all the Mystery of Free Grace c. Oh that now at last the Glory of Free Grace might lift me into the eternal place of it To a near Relation he spake thus Brother you are come to take your leave of me The Doctor as a sweet Messenger told me to day that I am near my Change I am now going from Shadows to Substance from things imperfect to things compleat and the thoughts of it even confound me I have been trading in the things of God for almost threescore years as to the experience of it and now after this long WOOF upon the LOOM it is to be taken off and all of it VIEWED and I know a World of Evil there is but I have always had a Sufficiency of the Grace of the Gospel declared to me that as defects came in they might be removed and by his Grace I have kept on with some desire with some delight with some Faith and Chear and now the RECKONING is to be made O my God there is a great Transaction upon me I throw my self upon Christ in the Gospel I sink if Christ sinks I have had nothing else to rest the Sole of my Foot upon now let thy Mercy be for me Thou hast given me good hope through Grace now Lord answer every good word upon which thou hast caused my Soul to hope Thou hast brought me hitherto so far to the very end of the Wilderness now O God bring me to thy Canaan I have waited for it Many other Sicknesses have not removed me now thou seemest to say This shall Now let me leave all my Filth behind me take it off There is a TRANSLATION let that Translation be effected upon me O Lord let not that Temptation come upon me that I have prayed to no purpose that I have faltered in the things wherein thou hast steered my Soul in Truth and in Spirit Lord let not a dead thought abide with any ugly savour in me now when thy Providences with the Concurrence of thy Servants meaning the Doctors say that thou callest me when they say The Master calleth thee Oh Oh was there ever such a day Had I ever such a day to be standing in the Portal to be waving up my hand to be knocking Oh for an Opening Lord say to me I will open Come in and let us sup together No less O Lord. Answer the Breathings of my Soul all along all my days Thou art faithful thou hast chosen me deny me not O thou that art Truth thou knowest that I have chosen thee Thou knowest my Life in this World hath been Death and Poyson to me without thee and now I come only expecting what thou hast promised and not what I have procured for there hath been my
Lord is with me and I have Ground of Faith and Hope that I have favour in his Eyes April 24. He expressed himself as followeth I am upon the Term of two great things viz. At the Term of all my great Subjugation to Sin and at the Term of all the Receipt of the Liberty Christ hath purchased at the Term of Sins Thraldom and at the Term of springing up through the Grace of God to eternal Life These are great things and I cannot manage my thoughts about it thorowly through the greatness of it I am going from the Yellings of Sin in this World and the woful effects of it and I am going to a Congregation the only Church of the First-born written in Heaven to visit the Streets of the eternal Grace and Love of God and meet the Company that walk there And methinks I am in a Wood and God hath held me in the Portal a pretty while and here I cannot be perfected for I never had any fittedness but through him that is compleat and is in Heaven And here I abide an Expectant as the poor Man that expected to be put into the Pool and that Angel hath not yet put forth his hand My Body parcheth my Mind parcheth a little Faith and Hope is left me My Tongue begins again to cleave I leave this World as a place where there is no satisfying It may content others a while but it seems rather to hunt me away Body faint Spirit faint in a strange Land my Mind is all in a scatter It will not be so it is so now O Lord help me graciously to wait Death was always spoken of as a dark Valley a place of Darkness and Trial not a place of Joy and shall I find it so Notwithstanding I have hope in the Faith and Love of God by Christ there is a secret Relief That he will turn Death into Life for his own sake and suffer never a clinging Soul to be lopt off and perish I desire no Food my very Nature loaths it my Body is off from all means of help in this World and here I stay through the good hand of God like a poor Stranger I am going to another World and the Fruits of that World will not satisfie the Wants I have here it will not quench my Thirst it will not allay my Drought So that if I have not some Relief to my Soul which is not of this World if I have it not from another World I am undone I cannot speak my thoughts have a large Theam I am up and down in and out and I see a great thing before me and sometimes it causeth a Word to drop I see ETERNAL LIFE before me That great thing that concerns me Sure it is a great thing to be at the very Brink to see all Promises fulfilled made good and all the Demonstrations of the Gospel made patent To see the Foundation of Eternal Life for ever laid and to come and cast ones eye upon it in the abundance of Faith And these are the things that lie just before me only there hath been an entrance about them I have believed c. and now I go to see the Promise and the Faith of the Promise accomplished To a Friend saying you have a strong hand to carry you Sure there is our Security in his holding of us more than in our holding of him He answered There it only lies The Lord continue to be with you The Lord make good his Covenant to you I and all the rest even that which is written in that good Book of his in which we desire to have our hope Let nothing hinder our Faith nor disorder our Practise He proceeded further to speak that day in the Afternoon thus God makes all these things here with respect to me at this time as it were to change their kind A Draught of Spring-Water fresh Beer or such a like thing how sweet have I sometimes found it But now nothing The rare vertues of Apples and other Fruits they are to me now as Dirt they do not answer my End My natural Thirst and Desire cannot be gratified with any thing here Though my Body lies parching away with Thirst my Soul loatheth dainty Meats and the best of Liquors that have been pleasing they are now a burthen to me I can taste nothing that will give reviving God is drawing forth my Nature in the way of a Dissolution that I must have no more Chear now but what comes in by New Covenant Mercy and that will be to Soul to Body for ever and thanks be to his Name he will not have me feed with dirty Company He hath shewed me the way of Life he hath caused me to chuse him I bless his Name Oh that wonderful thing that thou shouldst cause me to chuse thee Oh that thou mightest be chosen by all those that ever I had Acquaintance with in all my Life Oh that none of them may go without it Oh for a turned heart Oh for the eyes of Light and Life Oh for Salvation out of Damnation to a changed People Blessed be God that ANY that so MANY near to me were turned in at the right Gate of Election upon the Downfall that came by Sin as I hope as I hope O Lord find out thine thou wilt find them out Work Miracles work Miracles by converting Power in turning Souls that the Earth may see thy Glory Oh thou hast been my God many ways hast thou declared it Thou hast been the God of the Family from whence thou chusest me The Family is almost at an end Thou hast not left our poor Family two of us are yet remaining on the Earth O my God let it be for an eternal Renown to thy Name that thou hast hitherto reached out thy Grace to we two poor Remainers of that numerous Family Oh thou hast left us thy self to be our God to be our Portion O Lord thou hast given thy self to us and and thou hast given thy Spirit into us and we to the Glory of thy Grace can say Thou art OUR GOD hast been our God and wilt be our God and wilt number us amongst those whom thou hast delighted to take pleasure in unto Eternity O Lord be thou the God of our Seed or of our Seeds Seed O Lord that thou wouldst take them in with all those thou hast brought into Relation with thy self We have Relations in the World some that lie under the power of Satan and thou makest us to know it that it might be a constant Grief unto our hearts O Lord that none relating to us or to any or either of us might be found in those Bonds O Lord that thou wouldst imprint thine Image that thou wouldst come with a powerful hand and clear them out of Satan's Kingdom into the Kingdom of Christ Lord we are mingled in the World we have many Relations now up and down and what shall we say for the Children of our People