open vnto mee 2 But doe thou O my most private Physicion make apparent vnto mee what fruite I may reape by doing it For the confessions of my passed sinnes which thou hast so giuen and couered that thou mightest make mee happy in thee in changing my life by thy sayth and Sacrament whenas they are read and heard they stirre vp the heart that it may not sleepe in despaire and say I cannot but keepe it selfe wakefull in the loue of thy mercy and the sweetnesse of thy grace by which any weake persons is made strong who is by it made guilty to himselfe of his owne infirmities As for these that are good they take delight to heare of their passed errours those I meane that are now freed from them yet are they not therefore delighted because they are errors but for that they hauing so beene are not so now 3. With what fruit O Lord my God to whom my conscience more secure vpon the hope of thy mercy then in her own inocēcy maketh her daily confession with what fruit I beseech thee doe I by this Booke before Thee also confesse vnto men what at this time I yet am not what I haue beene For as for that fruit I haue both seene spoken of it but as for what I now am behold in the very time of the making of these Cōfessions diuers people both desired to know it both they that personally know mee and those also that did not they that had heard any thing eyther from me or of me but their care ouer-heares not my heart where-euer or what-euer I be They are desirous therefore to heare mee confesse what I am within whither neyther their eye nor eare nor vnderstanding is able to diue yet doe they desire it though they bee tyed to beleeue mee not able to know me because that Clarity by which they are made good sayes vnto them that I would neuer belye my selfe in my Confessions And t is that Charity in them which giues credit to me CHAP. 4. Of the great fruite of Confession 1. BVt to what end would they heare this doe they desire to congratulate with mee when as they shall heare how neere by thy grace I am now come vnto thee and to pray for mee when shall they once heare how much I am cast behind by mine owne heauinesse To such will I discouer my selfe for it is no meane fruite O Lord my God to cause many to me thankes vnto thee and bee intreated for vs by many Let the friendly minde of my brethren loue that in mee which thou teachest is to bee loued and lament in me what thou teachest is to be lamented Let the minde of my brethren not that of the stranger not that of the Strange children whose mouth talketh of vanity and their right hand is a right hand of iniquity but that of my brethren who when they approue of mee doe also reioyce for mee and when they disallow mee are sory for me because that whether they allow or disallow me yet still they loue me To such will I discouer my selfe they will haue a respect to my good deedes and sigh for my ill My good deedes are thine appoyntments and thy gifts my euill ones are my owne faults and thy iudgements Let them receiue comfort by the one and sigh at the other Let now both thanks-giuing and bewailing ascend vp into thy sight out of the hearts of my brethren which are thy Censers 2. And when thou O Lord art once delighted with the Incense of thy holy Temple haue mercy vpon me according to thy great mercy for thine owne names sake and at no hand giuing ouer what thou hast begunne in mee finish vp what is imperfect This is the fruit of my Confessions not of what I haue beene but of what I am namely to confesse this not before thee onely in a secret reioycing mixed with trembling and in a priuate sorrow fulnes allayed with hope but in the cares also of the beleeuing sonnes of men sharers of my ioy and partners in mortality with mee my fellow Citizens and fellow Pilgrimes both those that are gone before and those that are to follow after mee and those too that accompany mee along in this life 3. These are thy seruants my brethren those whom thou willest to be thy sonnes my masters whom thou commandedst mee to serue if I would liue with thee But this thy saying were to little purpose did it giue the command onely by speaking and not goe before mee in performing This therefore I now doe both in deede and word this I doe vnder thy wings and that with too much danger were not my soule sheltred vnder thy wings and my infirmity knowne vnto thee I am but a little one but my Father liueth for euer and my Protector is fit for mee For t is the very same hee that begat me and that defends meet for thou thy selfe art all my goods euen thou O omnipotent who art present with me and that before I am come vnto thee To such therefore will I discouer my selfe whom thou commandest mee to serue not discouering what I haue beene but what I now am and what I am yet But I will not iudge my selfe Thus therefore let mee be heard CHAP. 5. That man knoweth not himselfe throughly and knowes not God but in a glasse darkely 1. BVt thou O Lord doest iudge me because that although No man knowes the things of a man but the spirit of man which is in him Yet is there some thing of man which the very spirit of man that is in him knoweth not But thou knowest all of him who hast made him As for me though in thy sight I despise my selfe accounting my selfe but dust and ashes yet know I something of thee which I know not of my selfe For surely now wee see thorough a glasse darkely not face to face as yet so long therefore as I bee absent from thee I am neerer vnto my selfe then vnto thee and yet know I thee not possible to be any wayes violated whereas for my selfe I neyther know what temptations I am able to resist or what I am not 2. But there is hope because thou art faithfull who wilt not suffer vs to bee tempted aboue that wee are able but wilt with the temptation also make a way to escape that we may be able to beare it I will confesse therfore what I know by my selfe I will confesse yea and what I know not And that because what I doe know by my selfe by thy shewing it mee I come to know it and what I know not by my selfe I am so long ignorant of vntill my darkenesse bee made as the Noone-day in thy sight CHAP. 6. What God is and how knowne 1. NOt out of a doubtfull but with a certayne conscience doe I loue thee O Lord Thou hast strucken my heart with thy word therupon I loued thee Yea also the heauen
in it self not to love thee Woe is me answer me for thy mercies sake O Lord my God what thou art unto me Say unto my soule I am thy salvation Speake it out that I may heare thee Behold the eares of my heart are before thee O Lord open them and say unto my soule I am thy salvation I will runne after that voice and take hold of thee Hide not thy face from me that whether I dye or not dye I may see it 2. My Soules house is too streight for thee to come into let it be inlarged by thee 't is ruinous but doe thou repaire it There bee many things in it I both confesse and know which may offend thine eyes but who can clense it or to whom but thee shall I cry Cleanse me O Lord from my secret sinnes and from strange sinnes deliver thy servant I beleeved and therefore I wil speake Thou knowest O Lord that I have confessed my sinnes against mine owne selfe O my God and thou forgavest the iniquity of my heart I will not pleade with thee who art Truth and I will not deceive my selfe lest mine iniquity be a falle witnesse to it selfe I will not therefore pleade with thee For if thou Lord shouldst be extreme to marke what is done amisse O Lord who may abide it CHAP. 6. That he hath received all blessings from God and how hee hath beene preserved by him YEt suffer me to pleade before thy Mercy seate even mee who am but dust and ashes once again let me speake seeing 't is thy Mercie to which I addresse my speech and not man who is a mocker Yet even thou perhaps doest smile at me but turning thou wilt pitty mee What is it that I would say O Lord my God but even this that I know not whence I came hither into this a dying life shall I call it or a living death rather And then did the comforts of thy mercies take me up as I have heard it of the parents of my flesh out of whom and in whom thou sometimes didst forme me for I my selfe cannot remember it The comfort therefore of a womans milk did then entertaine me yet did neither my mother nor nurses fill their own brests but thou O Lord didst by them afford a nourishment fit for my infancy even according to thine owne institution and those riches of thine reaching to the root of all things Thou also ingraftedst in mee a desire to sucke no more than thou supplyedst them withall and in my Nurses to afford mee what thou gavest them for they were willing to dispense unto mee with proportion what thou supplyedst them with in abundance For it was a blessing to them that I received this blessing from them which yet was rather by them than from them For all good things proceed from thee O GOD and from my GOD commeth all my healthfulnesse And so much I observed afterwards when thou didst cry unto me by those instincts of nature which thou induedst mee withall both inwardly and outwardly For then first knew I how to sucke and to hee contented with what did please me and to cry at nothing so much as what offended my flesh After wards I began a little to laugh first sleeping and then waking for thus much was told me of my selfe and I easily beleeved it for that we see other Infants doe so too For these things of my selfe I remember not 2. And behold by little and little I came on to perceive where I was and I had the will to signifie what I would have to those that should helpe me to it but I could not yet cleerely enough expresse my desires to them for these were within mee and they without me nor could the ghesse of their senses dive into my meaning Thereupon would I flutter with my limbes and sputter out some words making some other few signes as well as I could but could not get my selfe to be understood by them and when people obeyed mee not either for that they understood me not or lest what I desired should hurt me then how would I wrangle at those elder servants that were to tend thee and the children that did not aptly humour me and I thought to revenge my selfe upon them all with crying And this is as I have learn'd the fashion of all Children that I could heare of and such an one was I as those who brought mee up told me although they may be said not to know so much rather thā to know it And now behold my infancie is dead long agoe yet I live still But thou O Lord who both livest forever and in whom nothing dyes because that before the foundations of the World and before every thing else that can be said to be Before thou art both God and Lord of all which thy selfe hath created and in whose presence are the certaine causes of all uncertaine things and the immutable patternes of all things mutable with whom doe live the eternall reasons of all these contingent chance med leyes for which we can give no reason tell I pray thee O God unto me thy suppliant Thou who art mercifull tell mee who am miserable did my infancy succeed to any other age of mine that was dead before even to that which perhaps I past in my mothers belly for something have I heard of that too and my selfe have seene women with great bellies 3. What also passed before that age O God my delight Was I any where or any body for I have none to tell me thus much neither could my Father and Mother nor the experience of others nor yet mine owne memory Doest thou laugh at me for enquiring these things who commandest me to praise and to confesse to thee for what I knew I confesse unto thee O Lord of heaven and earth and I sing praises unto thee for my first being and infancy which I have no memory of and thou hast given leave to Man by others to conjecture of himselfe and upon the credit of women to beleeve many things that concerne himselfe For even then had I life and being and towards the end of mine infancie I sought for some significations to expresse my meaning by unto others Whence could such a living creature come but from thee O Lord or hath any man the skill to frame himselfe or is any veyne of ours by which being and life runnes into us derived from any originall but thy workmanship O Lord to whom Being and Living are not severall things because both to Be and to Live in the highest degree is of thy very essence For Thou are the highest and thou art not changed neither is this present day spent in thee although it be brought to an end in thee because even all these have a fixt Being in thee nor could have their wayes of passing on unlesse thou upheldest them And because thy yeeres faile not thy yeeres are but this very day
it were with gall all the pleasures of those fabulous narrations For I understood not a word of it yet they vehemently pressed me and with most cruell threatnings and punishments to make me understand it The time was also when I was an infant that I knew not a word of Latine yet by marking I gate that without any feare or tormenting even by my nurses pratlings to me and the pretty tales of those that laught upon me and the sports of those that plaid with me 2. So much verily I learnt without any painefull burthen to mee of those that urged me for that mine owne heart put me to it to bring out mine owne conceptions Which I could never have done had I not learnd divers words not of those that taught me but of them that talkt familiarly to me in whose hearing I also brought forth whatsoever I had conceived Hereby it cleerely appeares that a free curiosity hath more force in childrens learning of languages than a frightfull enforcement can have But the unsetlednesse of that freedome this inforcement restraines Thy Lawes O God yea Thy Lawes even from the schoolemasters Ferula to the martyrs Tryalls being able to temper wholesome and bitter together calling us backe by that meanes unto thy selfe even from that infectious sweetnesse which at first allured us to fall away from Thee CHAP. 15. His Prayer to God 1. HEare my prayer O Lord let not my soule faint under thy correction nor let mee faint in confessing unto thee thine owne mercies by which thou hast drawne mee out of all mine own most wicked courses that thy selfe mightest from hence forward grow sweet unto me beyond all those allurements which heretofore I followed and that I might most intirely love thee and lay hold upon thy hand with all the powers of my heart that thou mightest finally draw mee out of all danger of temptation 2. For behold O Lord my King whatsoever good I have learned being a boy unto thy service let it be all directed yea whatsoever I speake or write or reade or number let all serve thee For when I learned vaine things thou didst discipline me and in those vanities thou forgavest the sinfulnesse of my delight in them In those studies I learnt many usefull words but those might have beene also learned in studies not so vaine which is I confesse the safest way for children to be trayned up in CHAP. 16. Against lascivious fables 1. BVt woe unto thee O thou Torrent of humane custome who shall stoppe the course of thee when wilt thou be drye how long wilt thou continue tumbling the sonnes of Eve into that hugie and hidcous Ocean which they very hardly passe who are well shipped Do I not reade in thee of Iupiter sometimes thundering and sometime adulterating but verily both these could not one person doe but this is feyned that hee might have authority to imitate true-acted Adultery false thunder the meane while playing the bawde to him Yet which of our grave Masters can with any patience heare a man that should in his Schoole cry out saying Homer feigned these and ascribed mens faults unto the gods but I had rather he had derived divine excellencies upon us But more truely is it said that Homer feyned these things indeed and that by his attributing divine excellencies to most wicked mortals crimes might not be accounted crimes so that whosoever shal commit the like seemes not therein to imitate desperate people but some heavenly Deities 2. This notwithstanding O thou hellish torrent are the sonnes of men cast into thee with rewards propounded to allure children to learne these fables and a great solemnity is made of it when t is pleaded for openly in the assembles and in the sight of the lawes which allow stipends to the Teachers over and above the reward unto the schollers yet O Torrent thou art still beating upon thy rocks roaring out and crying Here are fine words to bee learned here Eloquence is attained eloquence so necessary to perswade to businesse and with advantage to expresse sentences But for all this should wee never so patheticall have understood these words The golden showre The lappe The deceipt The temple of heaven and such others written â— the same place had not Terâ—nâ— withall brought a lewd your man upon the stage propounding Iupiter to himselfe for a example of his adultery whâ—â— he beholds a certaine picture â—â— the wall wherein was set out tâ— the life the story of Iupiter râ—yning a golden showre into Dâ—â—aes lappe deceiving the simpâ—â— mayden by that meanes Show that young man provoke himselfe to lust as if he had he a celestiall authority for it 3. But what God doe I imitate saith hee even that God who with a mighty thunder shakes the very Arches of heaven may not I then frayle flesh and blood doe as much But I for my part did as much unprovoked yea gladly too Plainly by this filthy matter are not these words so much the more commodiously learned as by these words is this filthy businesse learned to bee the more confidently committed I blame nor the words which of themselves are like vessels choyce and precious but that wine of error which is in them drunke to us by our intoxicated teachers If we refused to pledge them wee were beaten nor had wee liberty to appeale unto any sober Iudges All this notwithstanding O my God I in whose presence I now with securityremember this did willingly learne these things and unhappy I was for this accounted a youth of much towardlinesse CHAP. 17. The way of exercising youth in repeating and varying of verses 1. GIve me leave O my God to tell thee something and that of mine own wit which was thy gift and what dotages I spent it upon-My Master put a taske upon me troublesome enough to my soule and that upon termes of reward of commendations or feare of shame and whipping namely That I should declame upon those words of Iuno expressing both her anger and sorrow that shee could not keepe off the Trojane King from going into Italie which words I had heard that Iuno never uttered yet were we enforced to imitate the passages of these poeticall fictions and to varie that into Prose which the Poet had expressed in verse And hee decliamed with most applause in whose action according to the dignity of the person represented there appeared an affection neerest to anger or griefe set out with words most agreeable to the matter 2. But to what end was this O my true life my God why was my declamation more applauded than so many others of mine owne age and forme Was not all this meere smoke and winde and could no other subject be found to exercise my wit and tongue in Thy prayses O Lord thy prayses might have stayed the tender sprig of my heart upon the prop of thy Scriptures that it might not have beene cropt off by these empty vanities to bee catcht up as a
delight to jeere at and to put tricks upon others CHAP. 4. How Tullies Hortensuis provokt him to study Philosophie 1. AMongst these mad companions in that tender age of mine learnd I the Bookes of Eloquence wherein my ambition was to be eminent all out of a damnable and vaine-glorious end puse up with a delight of humane glory By the ordinary course of study I fell upon a certaine booke of one Cicerâ— whose tongue almost every man admires though not his heart This booke of his contaynes an exhortation to Philosophie and 't is called Hort ensius This very Book quite altered my affection turned my prayers to thy selfe O Lord and made me have cleane other purposes and desires All my vayne hopes I thenceforth slighted and with an incredible heat of spirit I thirsted after the immortality of wisdome and began now to rowse up my selfe that I might turne again to thee ward For I made not use of that booke to file my tongue with which I seemed to buy with that â—â—â—â—bition my another allowed me in that mine tenth yeere of my age my father being dead two yeeres before I made not use therefore of that book I say to sharpen my tongue withall nor had it perswaded me to affect the find language in it but the matter of in 2. How did I burne then my God how was I inflamed to fly from earthly delights towards thee and yet I knew not what thou meanedst to doe with me For with thee is wisdome That love of wisedome is in Greeke called Philosophie with which that booke inflam'd mee Some there bee that seduce others through Philosophie under a great a faire promising and an honest name colouring over and palliating their owne errors and almost all those who in the same and former ages had beene of that stamp are in that booke censured and set forth there also is that most wholesome advice of thy Spirit given by thy good and devout servant made plaine Beware left any man spoyle you through Philosophie and vaine deceipt after the tradition of men after the rudiments of the world and not after Christ For in him dwelleth all the fulnesse of the Godhead bodily 3. For my part thou light of my heart knowest that the Apostolicall Scriptures were scarce knowne to me at that time but this was it that so delighted mee in that exhortation that it did not ingage mee to this or that sect but left me free to love and seeke and obtaine and hold and embrace wisdome it selfe what ever it were Perchance 't was that booke I was stirred up and inkindled and inflamed by This thing only in such a heat of zeale tooke me off that the name of Christ was not in it For this Name according to thy mercy O Lord this Name of my Saviour thy Sonne had my tender heart even together with my mothers milke devoutly drunken in and charily treasured up so that what booke soever was without that Name though never so learned politely and truely penned did not altogether take my approbation CHAP. 5. Hee sets lightly by the Holy Scriptures because of the simplicity of the stile 1. I Resolved thereupon to bend my studies towards the holy Scriptures that I might see what they were But behold I espie something in them not revealed to the proud not discovered unto children humble in stile sublime in operation and wholly veyled over in mysteries and I was not so fitted at that time as to pierce into the sense or stoope my high neck to track the stile of it For when I attentively read these Scriptures I thought not then so highly of them as I now speake but they seemed to me farre unworthy to be compared to the statelinesse of the Ciceronian eloquence For my swelling pride soar'd above the temper of their stile nor was my sharpe wit able to pierce into their sense And yet such are thy Scriptures as grew up together with thy little Ones But I much disdained to be held a little One and big-swoln with pride I tooke my selfe to be some great man CHAP. 6. How hee was insnared by the Manichees 1. ANd even therefore I fell upon a sect of men proudly doting too carnall and prating in whose mouths were the very snares of the divell and a very Birdlime compounded by the mixture of the syllables of thy Name and of our Lord Iesus Christ and of the Holy Ghost the Comforter All these names came not out of their mouth but so farre forth as the sound only and the noyse of the tongue for their heart was voyd of true meaning Yet they cryed out Truth and Truth and divers sounded the word to mee yet was the Truth it selfe no where to be found amongst them But they spake falsehood not of thee onely who truely art the Truth it selfe but also of the elements of this world thy creatures Concerning which it had beene my duty O my supreme good Father thou beauty of all things that are beautifull to have out-stripped all the Philosophers though they spake most truely O Truth Truth how inwardly did the very marrow of my soule pant after thee when as they often and divers wayes though but barely pronounced thy name to me with their voice onely and in many bookes and hugie volumes And these were the dishes wherein to hunger-starven me they instead of thee served in the Sun and Moone Beautifull works indeed of thine but thy creatures notwithstanding not thy selfe no nor thy first creatures neither For thy spirituall works are before these corporeall workes celestiall though they be and shining 2. But I hungered and thirsted not after those first workes of thine but after thee even thee the Truth with whom there is no variablenesse neither shadow of turning yet they still set before me in those dishes glorious phantasies than which much better it were to love this Sunne which is true to our sights at least than those phantasies which by our eyes serve to deceive our minde Yet because I thought Them to be Thee I fell to and fed not greedily though for thou wert not savoury in my mouth nor like thy selfe for thou wast not those empty fictions nor was I soundly nourisht by them but drawne dry rather That food we dreame of shewes very like the food which we eat awake yet are not those asleepe nourisht by it for they are asleep But neither were those phantasies any way like to thee as thou hast since spoken to me for that those were corporeall phantasies only false bodies than which these true bodies both celestiall and terrestriall which with our fleshly sight we behold are far more certaine These things the very beasts and birds discerne as well as wee and they are much more certayne than any we can fancy of our selves And againe we doe with more certaintie conceive the images of these than by them entertaine the least suspition of any vaster or infinite bodies which have
forgiue her trespasses what-euer shee hath drawne vpon her selfe in so many yeeres since her cleansing by the water of baptisme forgiue her Lord forgiue her I beseech thee enter not into iudgement with her but let thy mercy bee exalted aboue thy iustice and that because thy words are true and thou hast promised mercy vnto the mercifull which that people might bee is thy gift to them who wilt haue mercy on whome thou wilt haue mercy and wilt shew deeds of mercy vnto whom thou hast been mercifully inclined And I now beleeue that thou hast already done what I request of thee but take in good part O Lord these voluntary petitions of my mouth 3. For shee the day of her dissolution being at hand tooke no thought to haue her body sumptuously wound vp or imbalmed with spices nor was she ambitious of any choyce monument or cared to bee buried in her owne Country These things shee gaue vs no command for but desired only to haue her name commemorated at thy Altar which shee had serued without intermission of one day from whence she knew that holy Sacrifice to bee dispensed by which that Hand-writing that was against vs is blotted out through which Sacrifice the Enemy was triumphed ouer he who summing vp our offences and seeking for something to lay to our charge sound nothing in Him in whom wee are conquerours Who shall restore vnto him his innocent blood who shall repay him the price with which hee bought vs and so bee able to take vs out of his hands vnto the Sacrament of which price of our redemption this handmaid of thine had bound her owne soule by the bond of fayth 4. Let none plucke her away from thy protection let neyther the Lyon nor the Dragon interpose himselfe by force or fraud For shee will not answere that shee owes nothing lest she bee disprooued and gotten the better of by her crafty accuser but she will answer how that her sins are forgiuen her by him vnto whome none is able to repay that price which hee layd downe for vs who owed nothing Let her rest therefore in peace together with her husband before or after whom shee had neuer any whom shee obeyed through patience bringing forth fruit vnto thee that shee might winne him vnto thee And inspire O Lord my God inspire thy seruants my brethren thy sonnes my masters whom with voyce and heart and pen I serue that so many of them as shall reade these Confessions may at thy Altar remember Monica thy handmayd together with Patricius her sometimes husband by whose bodies thou broughtest mee into this life though how I know not May they with deuout affection be mindefull of these parents of mine in this transitory light and of my brethren that are vnder thee our Father in our Catholicke Mother and of those who are to be my fellow Citizens in that eternall Ierusalem which thy people here in their pilgrimage so sigh after euen from their birth vnto their returne thither That so what my mother in her last words desired of me may the more plentifully bee performed for her in the prayers of many as well by meanes of my Confessions as of my prayers The end of the Ninth Booke Saint Agustines Confessions The tenth Booke CHAP. 1. The Confessions of the heart 1 LEt mee know Thee O Lord who knowest mee let me know thee as I am knowne of thee O thou the vertue of my soule make thy entrance into it and so fit it for thy selfe that thou mayst haue and hold it without spotte or wrinkle This is my hope and therefore doe I now speake and in this hope doe I reioyce when at all I reioyce As for other things of this life they deserue so much the lesse to bee lamented by how much the more wee doe lament them and againe so much the more to bee lamented by how much the lesse we doe lament them For behold thou hast loued truth and hee that does so commeth to the light This will I publish before thee in the confession of my heart and in my writing before many witnesses CHAP. 2. Secret things are knowne to God 1. ANd from thee O Lord vnto whose eyes the bottome of mans Conscience is layd bare what can bee hidden in mee though I would not confesse it For so should I hide thee from mee not my selfe from thee But now for that my groaning is witnesse for mee that I am displeased with my selfe thou shinest out vnto mee and art pleasing to me yea desired and beloued of mee and I will bee ashamed of my selfe yea I will renounce mine owne selfe and make choyce of thee and neuer may I please thee nor my selfe but in thee 2. Vnto thee therefore O Lord am I layd open what euer I am and with what fruit I may Confesse vnto thee I haue before spoken Nor doe I it with words and speeches of the body but with the expressions of my very soule and the crye of my thoughts which thy care onely vnderstandeth For when I am wicked then to confesse vnto thee is no other thing but to displease my selfe but when I am well giuen to confesse vnto thee is then no other thing but not to attribute this goodnesse vnto my selfe because it is thou O Lord that blessest the Iust but first thou iustifiest him being wicked My Confession therefore O my God in thy sight is made vnto thee priuately and yet not priuately for in respect of noyse it is silent but yet it cryes alowd in respect of my affection For neither doe I vtter any thing that is right vnto men which thy selfe hath not before heard from mee nor caust thou heare any such thing from me which thy selfe hath not first sayd vnto me CHAP. 3. The Confession of our ill deeds what it helpes vs. 1. VVHat therefore haue I to doe with men that they should heare my Confessions as if they could cure all my infirmities A curious people to pry into another mans life but slothfull enough to amend their owne Why doe they desire to heare from me what I am who will not heare from thee what themselues are And how know they whenas they heare my selfe confessing of myselfe whether I say true or no seeing none knowes what is in man but the spirit of man which is in him But if they heare from thee any thing concerning themselues they cannot say The Lord lyeth For what els is it from thee to heare of themselues but to know themselues and who is hee that knowing himselfe can say It is false vnlesse himselfe lyes But because Charity beleeueth all things that is to say amongst those whom by knitting vnto it selfe it maketh one I therefore O Lord doe so also confesse vnto thee as that men may heare to whom though I be not able to demonstrate whether I confesse truely yet giue they credit vnto mee whose eares charitie hath set
drops of time are precious with mee and I haue long since had a burning desire to meditate in thy law and by it to confesse both my skill and vnskilfulnesse vnto thee the morning light of thy enlightning mee and the relikes of darknesse in mee so long remayning swallowed vp by till infirmitie bee strength Nor will I suffer my houres to bee squandered away vpon any other thing which I finde free from the necessities of refreshing of my body and the recreating of my minde and the complying in those offices of seruice which wee owe vnto men yea also which wee owe not and yet pay them 2. Giue eare vnto my prayer O Lord my God and let thy mercy hearken vnto my petition because it stryueth not to entreate for my selfe alone but to be beneficiall also to my brethren Thou seest my heart that so it is and that I am ready to sacrifice vnto thee the best seruice of my thoughts and tongue now giue mee what I am to offer vnto thee For I am poore and needy but thou art rich to all those that call vpon thee who not distracted with cares thy selfe takest the care of all vs. From all rashnesse and lying doe thou circumcise both my inward and my outward lippes Let my chaste delights bee thy Scriptures let me neyther be deceiued in them nor deceiued by them Hearken Lord and haue mercy vpon me O Lord my God O thou light of the blind and the strength of the weake yea also the light of those that see and the strength of the strong hearken thou vnto my soule and heare mee crying vnto thee out of the Deepe For if thine eares bee not with vs also in the Deepe whither then shall wee goe to whom shall wee cry The day is thine and the night is thine at thy backe the time passes away 3. Affoord out of it some spure time for my meditations vpon the hidden things of thy Law which I beseech thee shut not vp when they knocke for entrance at it For in vayne it was not that thou wouldest haue so many leaues full of darkesome secrets committed vnto wryting nor are those Fortests without their Harts which retire themselues into them making their range and walkes in them feeding lodging and chewing the Cud in them Perfect me O Lord and reueale them vnto me Behold thy voyce is my ioy yea thy voyce exceedeth the abundance of all pleasures Giue mee what I loue for verily I doe loue it and this loue is of thy giuing Forsake not therfore thine owne gifts nor despise thou him that thirsteth after thy herbage Let me confesse vnto thee whatsoeuer I shall finde in thy bookes and let mee heare the voyce of prayse and let me drinke thee vp and let me consider of the wonderfull things of thy law euen frō the very Beginning wherein Thou madest the heauen and the earth vnto that euerlasting kingdome of thy holy City which is before thee Haue mercy Lord vpon mee and heare my petition for it is not I suppose of the earth not for gold siuer or precious stones or gorgeous apparell or honors and offices or the pleasures of the flesh or necessaries for the body or for this life of our earthly pilgrimage all which shall bee added vnto those that seeke thy kingdome thy righteousnesse Behold O Lord my God what it is that I now desire The vngodly haue sometimes told mee what themselues delight in but they are not like the delights of thy Law See now whence my desire proceedes 4. See Father behold and approue and let it bee pleasing in the sight of thy mercy that I shall find so much grace with thee as that the Secrets of thy Word may bee opened vnto mee when I knocke By our Lord Iesus Christ thy Sonne I beseech thee that man on thy right hand that Sonne of man whom thou hast appoynted a Mediator betwixt thy selfe and vs by whom thou soughtest vs who little sought for thee yet didst thou seeke vs that wee might seeke thee and thy Word by whom thou madest all things and mee amongst them Thy Onely Sonne by whom thou hast called the beleeuing people vnto thee and mee amongst them by Him I beseech thee who sitteth at thy right hand and makes intercession for vs in whom are hid all the treasures of wisedome and knowledge Him doe I seeke in thy bookes of Him Moses wrote this hee sayes this Truth sayes CHAP. 3. Hee desires to vnderstand the holy Scriptures 1. LEt mee heare and vnderstand how thou In the beginning hast made Heauen and Earth This Moses wrote of he wrote and passed away hee passed from hence vnto thee for he is not at this present before mine eyes for if hee were then would I lay hold of him and intreate him and for thy sake would I beseech him to open these things vnto me yea I would lay mine eares vnto his mouth But should he speake in the Hebrew tongue in vayne should hee beate mine eares for neuer should he come neere my vnderstanding whenas if he spake Latine I should well enough know what hee sayd 2. But how should I know whether he sayd true or no and if I could learne this too should I know it by him For within mee in that inward house of my thoughts neither the Hebrew nor the Greeke nor the Latine nor any other language but euen Truth it selfe and that without any helps of the mouth tongue without any sound of sillables should tell me He sayes true and my selfe therupon assured of it would confidently say vnto that seruant of thine Thou speakest truth Seeing I haue not now the meanes to conferre with Moses I beg of thee my God inspired by whom he vttred these truths I beg of thee the pardon of my sinnes and thou that enabledst that seruant of thine to deliuer these Truthes enable mee also to vnderstand them CHAP. 4. The Creatures proclayme God to bee their Creator 1 BEhold the heauens and the earth are already they proclaime themselues to haue beene created for they are changed and altered from what they were Whereas whatsoeuer is not made and yet hath a being hath nothing in it now which it had not before which to haue were indeede to bee changed and altered They proclayme also that they made not thēselues but say Therefore wee are because we are made and therefore were wee not before our time was to bee as if we could possibly haue made our selues Now the euidentnesse of the thing is this voyce of the Speakers 'T is thou therefore O Lord that madest them thou who art full of beauty they beeing fayre also thou who art good they also beeing good euen Thou who hast Being seeing these haue their Beings yet are they neyther so fayre so good nor are so as thou their Creator art compared with whom they are neyther fayre nor good nor are at all Thus much wee know thankes to
soules these things that are to come For thou hast already taught thy Prophets which is the way that thou vnto whom nothing is to come dost teach things to come or rather out of Future dost informe vs of things present For that which is not cannot bee taught Too too far is this way out of my kenning it hath gotten out of my reach I cannot by mine owne power arriue vp to it but by thy assistance I may againe euen when thou shalt vouchsafe me that most sweet light of the inward eyes of my soule CHAP. 20. These three differences of times how they are to bee called 1. CLeare now it is and playne that there are neyther things to come nor things past Nor doe we properly say There be three times past present and to come And yet perchance it might bee properly sayd too There be three three times a present time of passed things a present time of present things and a present time of future things For indeede three such as these in our soules ther bee but other-where doe I not see them The present time of passed things is our Membry the present time of present things is our Sight the present time of future things our Expectation If thus wee bee permitted to speake then see I three times yea and I confesse there are three Let this also be sayd There bee three ttmes Past present and to come according to our mis-applyed custome let it so be said See I shall not much bee I troubled at it neyther gaine-say nor find fault with it prouided that bee vnderstood which is sayd namely that neyther that which is to come haue any being now no nor that which is already passed For but a very few things there are which wee speake properly but very many that we speake improperly though yet we vnderstand one anothers meaning CHAP. 21. How time may bee measured 1. AS therefore I was euen now a saying We take such measure of the times in their passing by as we may be able to say This time is twice so much as that one or This is iust so much as that and so of any other parts of time which be measurable We do therefore as I sayd take measure of the times as they are passing by And if any man should now aske mee How knowest thou I might answere I doe know because wee doe measure them for wee cannot measure things that are not and verily times past and to come are not But for the present time now how doe wee measure that seeing it hath no space We measure it therefore euen whilest it passeth for when it is passed then wee measure it not for there will bee nothing to bee measured 2. But from what place and by which way and whitherto passes this time while it is a measuring whence but from the time Future Which way but by the time present whither but into the time passed From that therefore which is not yet by that which hath no space into that which is not still Yet what is it wee measure if not time in some space For wee vse not to say Single and double and triple and equall or any other way that we speake of time but with reference still to the spaces of times In what space therefore doe wee measure the time present Whether in the Future space whence it passed but that which is not yet we cannot measure Or in the present by which it passed but no space wee doe not measure or in the past to which it passed But neither doe wee measure that which is not still CHAP. 22. He begs of God the resulution of a difficulty 1. MY some is all on fire to bee resolued of this most intricate 〈…〉 Shut it not vp O Lord God O my good father in the name of Christ I beseech thee doe not so shut vp these vsuall but yet hidden things from this desire of mine that it bee hindred from piercing into them but let them shine out vnto mee thy mercy O Lord enlightening me Whom shall I make my demands vnto concerning these poynts And to whom shall I more fruitefully confesse my ignorance then vnto thee whom these studies of mine so vehemently burning to vnderstand thy Scriptures are no wayes troublesome Giue mee Lord what I loue for loue I doe and this loue hast thou giuen mee Giue it me Father who truely knowest to giue good gifts vnto thy Children Giue mee because I haue takâ—n vpon mee to know thee and it is painefull vnto me vntill thou openest it 2. Euen by Christ I beseech thee in the name of that Holy of holies let not mans answere disturbe mee For I beleeued and therefore doe I speake This is my hope this doe I pant after that I may contemplate the delights of the Lord. Behold thou hast made my dayes short and they passe away I know not how And wee talke of time and time and times and times How long time is it since hee sayd this how lond time since he did this how long time since I saw that and this syllable hath double time to that single short syllable These words wee heare and these termes wee vnderstand and are vnderstood againe Most manifest and ordinary they are and yet the selfe-same things too deeply hidden yea the finding out of the secret of them would proue a very new deuice CHAP. 23. Hee cleares this question what Time is 1. I Heard a learned man once deliuer it That the motions of the Sunne Moone and Starres and not the yeeres were the very true Times But why then should not the motions of all bodies in generall rather be times But what if the lights of heauen should cease and the potters wheele run round should there bee no time by which wee might measure those whirlings about and might pronounce of it that eyther it moued with equall pauses or if it turn'd sometimes flower and other whiles quicker that some rounds tooke vp longer time and other shorter or euen whilest we were a saying this should wee speake in Time or should there in our words be any syllables short and others long but for this reason onely that those tooke vp a shorter time in founding and these a longer Graunt vnto vs men the skill O God in a little hint to descry those notions as be common to things both great and small 2. The starres and lights of heauen 't is true bee appoynted for signes and for seasons and for yeeres and for dayes They bee indeede yet should I neuer on the one side affirme The whirling about of that fiery wheele to bee the day nor though it were not that therefore on the other side there were no time at all let Him affirme eyther of these I for my part desire to vnderstand the force and nature of time by which we are to measure the motions of bodies as when wee say for example this motion to bee
when 't is from thee then is it strength but when 't is of our selves then is it weaknes indeed Our good still lives with thee from which because wee are averse therefore are we perverse Let us now at last O Lord returne that wee doe not overturne because with thee our Good lives without any defect which Good thou art We shall not need to feare finding a place to returne unto because we fell headlong from it for howâ—ever wee have beene long absent from thence yet that house of ours shall not fall downe and that 's thy Eternity * ⎠* SAINT AVGVSTINES Confessions THE FIFTH BOOKE CHAP. 1. Hee stirres up his owne soule to praise God REceive heere the Sacrifice of my Confessions from the hand of my Tongue which thou hast formed and stirred up to confesse unto thy Name Heale thou all my bones and let them say O Lord who is like unto thee For neither does a man teach thee what is done within himselfe when he confesses to thee seeing a closed heart shuts not out thy eye nor can mans hard-heartednesse thrust backe thy hand for thou openest it when thou pleasest either out of pitty or justice to us and there is nothing can hide it selfe from thy heate But let my soule praise thee that it may love thee and let it confesse thine owne mercies to thee that it may praise thee No creature of thine is slacke or silent in thy praises nor the spirit of any man by the praises of his mouth converted to thee no nor yet any animall or corporeall creature by the mouthes of those that well consider of them that so our soule may towards thee rowze it selfe up from wearines leaning it selfe on those things which thou hast created and passing over to thy selfe who hast made them so wonderfully where refreshment and true fortitude is CHAP. 2. Gods presence can no man avoid seeing he is every where 1. LEt unquiet and naughty people now run and flee from thee as fast as they will yet thou seest them well enough and canst distinguish of shaddowes And behold all seemes gay to them meane while themselves be deformed And what wrong have they done thee by it or how have they disparaged thy government which from the highest heaven to this lowest earth is most just and perfect But whither are they fled when they fled from thy presence Or in what corner shalt not thou finde them out But runne away that they might not see thee who well sawest them that being thus blindfolded they might stumble upon thee because thou forsakest nothing that thou hast made that the unjust I say might stumble upon thee and be justly vexed by it withdrawing themselves from thy lenity and stumbling at thy justice fall foule upon thy severity Little know they in truth that thou art every where whom no place incompasses and that thou alone art ever neere even to those that set themselves furthest from thee 2. Let them therefore be turned backe and seeke thee because as they have forsaken thee their Creator thou hast not so given over thy Creature Let them bee converted that they may seeke thee and behold thou art there in their heart in the heart of those that confesse to thee and that cast themselves upon thee and that powre forth their teares in thy bosome after all their tedious wandrings Then shalt thou most gently wipe away their teares that they may weepe the more yea and delight in their weeping even for that thou Lord and not any man of flesh and blood but thou Lord who madest them canst refresh and comfort them But whereabouts was I when I sought after thee Thou wert directly before mee but I had gone backe from thee nor did I then finde my selfe much lesse thee CHAP. 3. Of Faustus the Manichee and of Astrologie 1. LEt mee lay open before my GOD that nine and twentieth yeere of mine Age. There came in those dayes unto Carthage a certaine Bishop of the Manichees Faustus by name a great snare of the Divell he was and many were intangled by him in that ginne of his smooth Language which though my selfe did much commend in him yet was I able to discerne betwixt it and the truth of those things which I then was earnest to learne nor had I an eye so much to the curious Dish of Oratory as what substance of Science their so famous Faustus set before me to feed upon Report had before-hand highly spoken him to me as that hee was a most knowing man in all honest points of Learning and exquisitely skilled in all the liberall Sciences 2. And for that I had sometimes read many bookes of the Philosophers and had fresh in memory much of theirs I presently fell to compare some points of theirs to those soule fables of the Manichees and those things verily which the Philosophers had taught who could onely prevaile so far as to make judgement of this lower world though the Lord of it they could by no meanes finde out seem'd farre more probable unto mee For great art thou O Lord and hast respect unto the humble but the proud thou beholdest afarre off Nor doest thou draw neere but to the contrite in heart nor art thou found by those that bee proud no not though they had the curious skill to number the Starres and the sand and to quarter out the houses of the heavenly Constellations and to find out the courses of the Planets For with their Vnderstanding and Wit which thou bestowedst on them doe they search out these things yea they have found out and foretold many a yeere before the Eclipses of the lights of the Sunne and Moone what day and what howre and how many Digits they should bee so nor hath their calculation faild them and just thus came all to passe as they foretold and they committed to writing the Rules found out by them which are read this day and out of them doe others foretell in what yeere and moneth of the yeere and what day of the moneth and what howre of the day and what part of it's light the Moone or Sunne is to be Eclipsed and so it shall come to passe as it is foreshewed 3. At these things men wonder and are astonished that know not this Art and they that doe know it triumph and are extolled and our of a wicked pride turning backe from thee failing thereby of thy light they foresee an Eclipse of the Sunne so long beforehand but perceive not their owne which they suffer in the present For they enquire not religiously enough from whence they are enabled with the wit to seeke all this withall and finding that 't is thou that made them they resigne not themselves up unto thee that thou mayst preserve what thou hast made and that they may kill in sacrifice unto thee what they have made themselves to be and slay their owne exalted imaginations like as the fowles of the ayre and their owne
CHAP. 7. He disswades Alipius from his excessive delight in the Circensian games 1. WE joyntly bemoaned our selves for this who lived like friends together but chiefly and most familiarly did I speake hereof with Alipius and Nebridius of whom Alipius was borne in the same Towne with me whose parents were of the chiefe ranke there and himselfe yonger than I he had also studied under me first when I set up Schoole in our owne Towne and at Carthage afterwards He loved me very much because I seemed of a good disposition to him and well learned and I loved him againe for his great towardlines to vertue which was eminent enough for one of no greater yeerâ—â— But that Whirlepit of th◠〈◊〉 thaginian fashions amongst whom those idler spectacles are hotly followed had already swallowed up him in immoderate delight of the Circensian sports But meane while that he was miserably-tumbled up and downe that way and I professing Rhetoricke there had set up a publike Schoole he made no use of me as his Master by reason of some unkindnesse risen betwixt his Father and me Although therefore I had found how dangerously he doted upon the Race-place and that I were grievously perplexed that hee tooke the course to undoe so good a hope as was conceived of him or rather as me thought he had already undone it yet had I no meanes either privately to advise him or by way of constraint to reclaime him by interest of a friendship or the awe of a Master For I supposed verily that he had had the same opinion of me with his Father but he was not of that minde Loying aside therefore his Fathers Quarell hee beganne to salute me comming sometimes into my Schoole heare a little and bee gone By this meanes forgate I to deale with him that he should not for a blinde and headstrong desire of such vaine pastimes undoe so good a wit 2. But thou O Lord thou who sittest at the sterne of all thou hast created hadst not forgotten him who was one day to prove a chiefe Priest of thy Sacraments And that his amendment might plainely be attributed to thy selfe thou truely broughtest it about by my meanes who yet knew nothing of it For when as one day I sate in my accustomed place with my schollers before me in came he saluted me sate him downe and applyed his minde to what I then handled I had by chance a passage then in hand which that I might the better illustrate it seemed very seasonable to me to make use of a similitude borrowed from the Circensian races both to make that which I infinuated more pleasant and more plaine and to give a biting quippe withall at those whom that madnes had enthralled God thou knowest that I little thought at that time of curing Alipius of that pessilence But hee tooke it to himselfe and conceived that I meerely intended it towards him And what another man would have made an occasion of being angry with mee that good yong man made a reason of being offended at himselfe and to love me the more fervently For thou hadst said it long agoe and put it into thy Booke Ribuke a wise man and he will love thee 3. But for my part I meant no rebuke towards him but 't is thou who makest use of all men both knowing or not knowing in that order which thy selfe knowest and that order is just Out of my heart and tongue thou wrought'st burning coales by which thou mightest set on fire that languishing disposition of his of which so good hopes had been conceived and mightst cure it Let such a one conceale thy praises who considers not of thy mercies which my very marrow confesses unto thee For he upon that speech heav'd himselfe out of that pit so deepe wherein he had wilfully beene plunged and had beene hood winkt with the wretched pastime of it and rowzed up his minde with a well-resolved moderntion whereupon all those filths of the Circensian pastimes slew off from him nor came he ever at them afterwards Vpon this prevailed he with his unwilling Father that he might be one of my Schollers Hee yeelded and condescended so that Alipius beginning to bee my Auditor againe was bemussled in the same superstitioÌ„ with me loving that ostentation of continency in the Manichees which he supposed to be true and unseined But verily no better it was than a senselesse and a seducing continency insnaring precious soules not able yet to reach to the height of vertue and easie to be beguiled with a faire outside of that which was but a wel-shadowed a feined vertue CHAP. 8. Alipius is taken with a delight of the Sword-plaies which before he hated 1. HEe not forsaking that worldly course which his parents had charm'd him to pursue went before me to Rome to study the Laws where he was carried away with an incredible greedinesse of seeing the Sword-players For being utterly against and detesting such spectacles when he was one day by chance met withall by divers of his acquaintance and fellow students comming from dinner they with a familiar kinde of violence haled him vehemently denying and resisting them along into the Amphitheater on a time when these cruell and deadly shewes were exhibited he thus protesting Though you hale my body to that place and there set me can you after that force me to give my minde and lend my eyes to these shewes I shall therefore be absent even while I am present and so shall I overcome both you and them too His Companions hearing these words lead him on never the slower desirous perchance to try whether he could be as good as his word or no. When they were come thither and had taken their places as they could all that Round grew hot with mercilesse Pastimes 2. But Alipius closing up the doores of his eyes forbade his minde to range abroad after such mischiefes and I would he had stopped his eares also For upon the fall of one in the sight a mighty cry of the people beating strongly upon him hee being overcome by curiosity and as it were prepared whatsoever it were to contemne it with his sight and to overcome it opened his eyes and was strucken with a deeper wound in his soule than the other was in his body whom hee desired to behold and he presently fell more miserably than the Sword-player did upoÌ„ whose fal that mighty noise was raised Which noise entred through his eares and unlockt his eyes to make way for the striking beating downe of his soule which was bold rather than valiant hitherto and so much the weaker for that it presumed now on it selfe which ought onely to have trusted upon thee For so soone as hee saw another mans blood hee at the very instant drunke downe a kinde of savagenesse nor did he turne away his head but fixed his eye upon it drinking up unawares the very Furies themselves being much taken with the barbarousnesse of
unto thee namely that thou shouldst be rather thought to suffer ill than man to doe ill CHAP. 4. God cannot be compelled 1. IN this sort did I endevour now to finde out the rest as I had already found that what was incorruptible must needs bee better than that which was corruptible and THEE therefore whatsoever thou wert did I acknowledge to bee incorruptible For never yet soule was nor ever shall bee able to thinke upon any thing which may be better than thou who art the soveraigne and the best Good But whereas most truely and certainely that which is incorruptible is to be preferred before what is corruptible like as I did then preferre it I might very well have reached so high in my thoughts as something that should bee better than my God hadst not thou beene incorruptible Where therefore I saw that incorruptible ought to bee preferred before corruptible there ought I to have sought out thee and there to observe Whence evill should come that is even whence corruption comes by which thy substance can by no meanes be infected 2. For Corruption does no waies infect our God by no will by no necessity by no unlookt for chance because he is God and what he wils is good and he himselfe is that Good but to be corrupted is not good Nor all thou O God against thy will constrained to any thing for that thy will is not greater than thy power But greater should it be were thy selfe greater than thy selfe For the Will and Power of God is God himselfe And what chance can surprize thee unlookt for who knowest all things Nor is there any nature of things but thou knowest it And what should wee use more arguments to prove Why that substance which God is should not be corruptible seeing if it were so it should not be God CHAP. 5. Hee pursues his enquirie after the root of sinne 1. AND I sought Whence Evill should be and I sought ill nor did I see that evill which was in this very enquirie of mine I set now before the eyes of my spirit the whole Creation and whatsoever I could discerne of it as the Sea the Earth the Ayre the Starres the Trees the mortall Creatures yea and what-ever else in it wee doe not see as the Firmament of the heaven all the Angels moreover and all the spirituall inhabitants thereof But yet as if all these had beene bodies did my fancy dispose of them in such and such places and I made one great Masse of all thy Creatures distinguished by their severall kindes of bodies both those that were Bodies indeed or which my selfe had feyned instead of Spirits And this Masse I made hugie enough not yet so great as in it selfe it was which I could not come to the knowledge of but as bigge as I thought convenient yet every way finite But thee O Lord I imagined on every part environing and penâ—trating it though every way infinite As if there were supposed to bee a Sea which every where and on every side by a most unmeasurable infinitenesse should bee onely a Sea and that Sea should containe in it some hugie Sponge but yet finite which Sponge must needs bee every where and on every side filled with that unmeasurable Sea So thought I thy whole Creation to bee in it selfe finite filled by thee who art infinite and I said Behold God and behold what God hath created and God is good yea most mightily and incomparably better than all these which God being himselfe good created all them good and see how he environeth and full-fils them all 2. Where is Evill then and from whence and how crept it in hither What is the roote and what the seed of it Or hath it at all no being Why then doe wee feare and beware of that which hath no being Or if we feare it in vaine then surely is that feare evill which in vaine so gores and torments the soule Yea and so much a greater evill by how much that wants of being any thing which wee stand in feare of and yet doe feare Therefore is there some evill thing which we feare or else the very act of fearing is evill Whence is evill therefore seeing God who is good hath created all these things good that is the greater and chiefest Good hath created these lesser goods yea and he creating they created are all good Whence now is evill Or of what did God make it Was there any matter evill and as God formed and ordered it did he leave any thing in it which hee did not convert 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 But why did he so Was â— not able so to turne and chanâ—e the whole lumpe that no evill should have remained in it seeing he is able to do any thing Lastly why would he make any thing at all of that and did not by the same omnipotency rather cause that there should be no such thing at all Or to say troth was it able to be of it selfe against His will Or if that evill matter had beene so from eternity why suffered hee it so to continue so infinite spaces of times past and was pleased so long while after to make something out of it 3. Or if hee were suddenly pleased now to goe about some worke this rather should the Omnipotent have done have caused namely that this evill matter should not at all have beene and that hee himselfe should have beene alone that soveraigne and infinite Good â—â— Or if it had not beene good 〈…〉 who was good should 〈…〉 and create something also that were not good then that evill matter being first taken away and brought unto nothing should he immediately have taken order for some good matter whereof hee might create all things For he should not bee omnipotent if he were not able to create something that were good of it selfe unlesse hee were assisted by that matter which himselfe had not created These thoughts tossed I up and downe in my miserable heart overcharged with biting Cares through the feare of death and though I had not found out the truth yet did the Faith of thy Christ our Lord and Saviour professed in thy Church firmly continue in my heart though in divers particulars verily not yet throughly perfected and swarving from the right Rule of Doctrine yet did not my minde utterly leave it off but every day tooke in more and more of it CHAP. 6. Divinations made by the Mathematicians are vaine 1. BY this time also had I rejected those deceitfull Divinations and impious dotages of the Astrologers Let thine owne mercies out of the most inward bowels of my soule consesse unto thee for this O my God For thou thou altogether for who else is it that cals us backe from the death of all errours but even that Life which knowes not how to dye and that wisedome which enlightens those mindes that need it it selfe needing no light by which the whole world is governed even to the falling away of
I had entered against my selfe untill it came to a good issue but which way God thou knowest I doe not Onely I was for the time most soberly madde and I dyed vitally sensible enough what piece of misery for the present I now was but utterly ignorant how good I shortly was to grow Into that Garden went I and Alipius followed mee foot by foot for I had no secret retiring place if hee were neere or when did he ever forsake me when he perceiv'd me to be ill disposed Downe wee sate us as farre yet from the house as possibly we could I fretted in the spirit angry at my selfe with a most tempestuous indignation for that I went not about to make my peace and league with thee my God which all my bones cryed out upon me to doe extolling it to the very skies A businesse it is which we goe not about carried unto in Shippes or Chariots or upon our own legges no not so small a part of the way to it as I had comen from the house into that place where wee were now sitting 3. For not to goe towards onely but to arrive fully at that place required no more but the Will to goe to it but yet to Will it resolutely and throughly not to stagger and tumble downe an halfe wounded Will now on this side and anon on that side setting the part advancing it selfe to struggle with another part that is a falling Finally in these vehement passions of my delay many of those things performed I with my body which men sometimes would doe but cannot if either they have not the limbs to doe them withall or if those limbs bee bound with cords weakened with infirmity or be any other waies hindered If I teare my selfe by the haire beate my forehead if locking my fingers one within another I beclasped my knee all this I did because I would But I might have willed it and yet not have done it if so be the motion of my limbs had not beene pliable enough to have performed it So many things therefore I now did at such time as the Will was not all one with the Power and something on the other side I then did not which did incomparably more affect mee with pleasure which yet so soone as I had the Will to doe I had the Power also because so soone as ever I willed I willed it throughly for at such a time the Power is all one with the Will and the willing is now the doing and yet was not the thing done And more easily did my body obey the weakest willing of my soules in the moving of its limbs at her beck then my soule had obeyed its selfe in this point of her great contentment which was to receive perfection in the Will alone CHAP. 9. Why the soule is so slow to goodnesse 1. VVHence now is this monster and to what purpose Let thy mercy enlighten mee that I may put this question if so be those concealed anguishes which men feele and those most undiscoverable pangs of contrition of the sonnes of Adam may perhaps afford mee a right answer Whence is this monster and to what end The soule commands the body and is presently obeyed the soule commands it selfe and is resisted The soule gives the word commanding the hand to be moved and such readinesse there is that the instant of command is scarcely to be discerned from the moment of execution Yet the soule is the soule whereas the hand is of the body The soule commands that the soule would Will a thing nor is the soule another thing from the soule and yet obeyes it not the command Whence is this monster and to what purpose The soule I say commands that it selfe would Will a thing which never would give the command unlesse it willed it yet is not that done which it commanded 2. But it willeth not entirely therefore doth it neither command entirely For so farre forth it commandeth as it willeth and so farre forth is not the thing done which is commanded as it willeth it not Because the Will commandeth that there be a Will not another will but the same Because verily it doth not command fully therefore is not the thing done which it commanded For were the willing full it would never command there should be a Willing because that Willing was extant before T is therefore no monster partly to Will and partly to Nill onely an infirmity of the soule it is that it being overloaded with ill custome cannot entirely rise up together though supported by Verity Hence is it that there be two Wills for that one of them is not entire and the one is supplied with that wherein the other is defective CHAP. 10. The will of man is various 1. LEt them perish out of thy sight O GOD as those vaine bablers and those seducers of the soule doe perish who when as they did observe that there were two Wills in the act of deliberating affirmed thereupon that there are two kindes of natures of two kinds of soules one good and the other bad Themselves are truly bad when as they beleeve these bad opinions and the same men shall then become good when they shall come to beleeve true opinions and shall consent unto the true that the Apostle may say unto them yee were sometimes darkenesse but now are ye light in the Lord. But these fellowes would be light indeed not in the Lord but in themselves imagining the nature of the soule to bee the same that God is Thus are they made more grosse darkenesse for that they went backe farther from thee through a horrid arrogancie from thee the true light that enlightneth every man that cometh into this world Take heed what you say and blush for shame draw neere unto him and be enlightned and your faces shall not bee ashamed My selfe when sometime I deliberated upon serving of the Lord my God I had long purposed it was I my selfe who willed it and I my selfe who nilled it I was I my selfe I neither willed entirely nor yet nilled entirely Therefore was I at strife with my selfe and ruinated by mine owne selfe Which ruining befell me much against my minde nor yet shewed it forth the nature of another mans minde but the punishment of mine owne I therefore my selfe was not the causer of it but the sinne that dwelt in me and that as a punishment of that farre spreading sinne of Adam whose sonne I was 2. For if there bee so many contrary natures in man as there be Wills resisting one another there shall not now be two natures alone but many Suppose a man should deliberate with himselfe whether he should goe to their Conventicle or goe see a Play presently these Manichees cry out Behold here are 2 natures one good which leades this way and another bad which drawes that way For whence else is this mammering of the wills thus thwarting one another But I answer that
both these Wills be bad that as ill which carries to their Conventiele as the other which leades unto the Theater But they will not beleeve that Will to be other than good which brings men to them Suppose then one of us should deliberate and through the dispute of his two Wills should be in a quandary whether hee should goe see a Play or come to our Church would not these Manichees be as much in a quandary what to answer For either they must confesse which by their good wills they will never grant That the Will which leades to our Church is the better as it is in them which goe to their Church who are partakers of her sacraments and detained in her obedience or else must they suppose that there be two evill natures and two evill soules in one man which combat one another or must they lastly be converted to the truth and no more deny that in the Act of one mans deliberation there is one soule destracted betweene two contrary Wills Let them no more say therefore that when as they perceive two wills to bee contrary one to another in the same party that there bee two contrary soules made of two contrary substances from two contrary principles one good and the other bad contending one with another 3. For thou O true God doest disprove check and convince them like as when both wills being bad a man deliberates with himselfe whether he should kill a man by poyson or by the Sword whether hee should take in this piece or that of another mans ground when as he cannot doe both whether hee should purchase pleasure with prodigality or keepe close his money by covetousnesse whether hee should goe to the Chariot-race or to the Sword-playes if they were both to be seene upon one day I adde also a third instance whether hee should rob another mans house had he the opportunity and a fourth I add or whether he shold commit adultery had hee the meanes it being presupposed that all these concurred in the same instant of time and that all these acts bee equally desired which cannot possibly be all at one time acted 4. For verily they tare in sunder the soule amongst foure severall Wills cleane contrary to one another yea in such variety of things which are desirable perchance among more than foure yet use they not to affirme that there is any such multitude of divers substances Thus also is it in such Wils as are good For I demand of them whether it be a good thing to be delighted in reading of the Apostle and whether it be a good mind to be delighted in a sober Psalme or whether it be a good art to discourse upon the Gospell They will answere to each of these That it is good What now if all these equally delight us and all together at the same time Doe not divers Wills then rack the minde as it were when as a man is deliberating to which of all these he should chiefly betake him yet are all these Wills good although they all contend with one another till such time as one of the three bee made choice of towards which the whole Will may be carried being now united which was before divided into many Thus also when as eternity delights the superior parts and the pleasure of some temporal good holds fast the inferiour it is but one and the same soule which willeth not This or That with an intire Will and is therefore torne a sunder with grievous perplexities whilest it preferres This overswayed by Truth yet forbeares not That made familiar to it by Custome CHAP. 11. The combat in him betwixt the Spirit and the flesh 1. THus soule-sicke I was and in this manner tormented accusing my selfe much more eagerly than I was wont turning and winding my selfe in my chain till that which held mee might bee utterly broken which though but little yet held it me fast enough notwithstanding And thou O Lord pressedst upon me in my inward parts by a most severe mercy redoubling thy lashes of feare and shame lest I should give way againe and lest the breaking off of that small and slender Tye which now onely was left should recover strength againe and hamper mee againe the faster For I sayd within my selfe Behold let it be done now let it bee done forthwith And no sooner had I said the word but that I beganne to put on the resolution Now I even almost did it yet indeed I did it not yet notwithstanding fell I not quite backe to my old wont but stood in the degree next to it to fetch new breath as it were Yea I set upon it againe and I wanted but very little of getting up to it and within a very little even by and by obtained I to touch and to lay hold of it and yet could I not get up to it nor come to touch or lay full hold of it still fearing to dye unto death and to live unto life and the worse which I had beene anciently accustomed unto prevail'd more with mee than the better which I had never tryed yea the very instant of time wherein I was to become another man the neerer it approacht to me the greater horror did it strike into me But for all this did it not strike me utterly back nor turn'd mee quite off but kept mee in suspence onely 2. The very toyes of all toyes and vanities of vanities those ancient favcurites of mine were they which so fast with-held me they shooke me by this fleshly garment and spake softly in mine eare Canst thou thus part with us and shall we no more accompany thee from this time forth for ever and from this time forth shall it no more bee lawfull for thee to doe This or That for ever And what were those things which they suggested to mee in that phrase This or That as I said what were those which they suggested O my GOD Such as let thy mercy utterly turne away from the soule of thy servant Oh what impurities oh what most shamefull things did they suggest I heard them verily not halfe so neere hand now nor now so freely contradicting and opposing me but muttering as it were softly behinde my back and even now ready to be packing yet giving me a privy pluck to looke once more backe againe upon them yet for all this did they make mee now againe delaying the time much slower in snatching away my selfe and in shaking them off and in leaping from them to the place I was called unto namely when as violent custome thus rowned me in the eare Thinkest thou to be ever able to live without This or That 3. But by this time it spake but very faintly for on that side which I set my face towards and whither I trembled to goe was that chast dignity of Continency discovered cheerfull she was but not dissolutely pleasant honestly tempting me to come to her and doubt nothing yea stretching
in my flesh as that these false visions perswade me vnto that when I am asleepe which true visions cannot doe when I am awake Am I not my selfe at that time O Lord my God And is there yet so much difference betwixt my selfe and my selfe in that moment wherein I passe from waking to sleeping or returne from sleeping vnto waking 2. Where is my reason at that time by which my mind when it is a wake resisteth such suggestions as these at which time should the things themselues presse in vpon mee yet would my resolution re maine vnshaken Is my reason clozed vp together with mine eyes or is it lull'd asleepe with the sences of my body But whence then comes it to posse that wee so often euen in our sleepe make such resistance and being mindefull of our purpose and remaine most chastly in it wee yeeld no assent vnto such enticements And yet so much difference there is as that when any thing hath otherwise hapned in our sleepe wee vpon our waking returne to peace of conscience by the distance of time discouering that it was not wee that did it notwithstanding wee bee sorry that there is something someway or other done in vs. Is not thy hand able O God almighty to cure all the discases of my soule and with a more abundant measure of thy grace also to quench the lasciuious motions of my sleepe 3. Thou shalt increase O Lord thy graces more and more vpon mee that my soule may follow my selfe home to thee wholy freed of that birdâ—ly me of concupiscence that it may no longer rebell against it selfe nor may in dreames not onely not commit these adult erous vncleannesses by meanes of these sensuall Images procuring pollution of the flesh but that it may not so much as once consent vnto them For to hinder that no such fancy no not so much as should neede any checke to restraine it doe its pleasure in the chast affection of those that sleepe not in this life onely but euen in this age of youth is not hard for the Almighty to doe who is able to doe aboue all that wee aske or thinke And for this time in what case I yet am in this kind of naughtinesse haue I confessed vnto my good Lord reioycing with trembling in that grace which thou hast already giuen me and bemoaning my selfe for that wherein I am still vnperfect well hoping that thou wilt one day perfect thy mercies in mee euen vnto a fulnesse of peace which both my outward and inward man shall at that time enioy with thee whenas death shall be swallowed vp in victory CHAP. 31. The temptation of eating and drinking 1. THere is another euill of the day which I wish were sufficient vnto it that we are fayne by eating and drinking to repaire the daily decayes of our body vntill such time as thou destroyest both belly and meat whenas thou shalt kill this emptinesse of mine with a wonderfull fulnesse and shalt cloath this incorruptible with an eternall incorruption Butin this life euen necessity is sweete vnto me against which swetnes do I fight lest I should bee beguiled by it yea a daily warre doe I make bringing my body into subiection by my fastings the pinchings whereof are by the pleasure I take in it expelled Hunger Thirst verily are painefull they burne vp and kill like a feaver vnlesse the physicke of nourishments relieue vs. Which for that it is readily to bee had out of the comfort wee receiue by thy gifts with which both land and water and ayre serue our necessities are our calamities termed our delicacies Thus much hast thou taught mee that I am to take my meat as sparingly as I would doe my Physicke 2. But in the while I am passing from the pinching of emptynesse vnto the content of a competent replenishing does that snare of lickorishnesse euen in the very passage lie in ambush for mee For that passage betweene is a kinde of pleasure nor is there any other way to passe by but that which necessity constraines vs to goe by And whereas health is the cause of our eating and drinking there will a dangerous lickorishnesse goes a-long with health like a handmayd yea endeauours oftentimes so to goe before it as that I eate that for my tooths sake which I eyther say I doe or desire to doe for my healths sake Nor is there the same moderation in both for that which is enough in respect of health is nothing neere enough in respect of lickorishnesse yea very vncertaine it is oftentimes whether the necessary care of my body still requires sustenance or whether a voluptuous deceiueablenesse of Epicurisme supplies lust with maintenance And for that this case is vncertaine does my vnhappy soule reioyce prouides it thereby of a protection of excuse reioycing for that it cannot now appeare what may bee sufficient for health that so vnder the cloake of health it may disguise the matter of Epicurisme 3. These enticements doe I endeauour to resist dayly yea I call thy right hand to help me and to thee doe I referre my perplexities for that I am resolued of no counsell as yet whereby to effect it I heare the voyce of my God commanding Let not your hearts bee ouercharged with surfeting and drunkennesse As for drunkennesse I am farre enough from it and thou wilt haue mercy vpon mee that it may neuer come neere mee But full-feeding hath many a time stolne vpon thy seruant but thou wilt haue mercy vpon mee that it may hereafter bee put farre from mee for no man can bee temperate vnlesse thou giue it Many things thou vouchsafest vnto vs which wee pray for and what good thing soeuer wee haue receiued before wee pray from thee haue we receiued it yea to this end haue wee already receiued it that wee might acknowledge so much afterwards Drunkard was I neuer but I haue knowne many a drunkard made a sober man by thee Thy doing therefore it is that such should bee kept from being drunkards hereafter who haue not beene that way faulty heeretofore as from thee it also comes that those should not continue faulty for euer who haue beene giuen to that vice heretofore yea from thee it likewise proceedes that both these parties should take notice from whom all this proceeded 4. I heard also another voyce of thine Goe not after thine owne lusts and from thine owne pleasures turne away thy face Yea by thy fauour haue I heard this saying likewise which I haue much delighted in Neyther if wee eate are wee the better neyther if wee eate not are we the worse which is to say that neythes shall this thing makes me rich nor that miserable Also another voyce of thine haue I heard For I haue learned in whatsoeuer state I am therewith to be content and I know how to abound and how to suffer neede I can doe all things through Christ that
euery thing is it that discouers the time of it but that matter was sometimes without forme but is now obserued to bee together in time with its forme And yet is there not any thing to bee sayd of that matter but as if it were its forme in respect of time whenas indeede it is considered of as the latter of the two Because doubtlesse better are things that haue forme then things that haue no forme yea they haue precedence in the eternity of the Creator that so there might be something out of nothing of which somewhat might be created CHAP. 30. The Scriptures are to be searched with honourable respect vnto the Penman 1. IN this diuersity of most true opinions let Truth it selfe procure reconcilement And our God haue mercy vpon vs that wee may vse the law lawfully the end of the Commandement being pure Charity By this if a man now demaunds of me which of all these was the meaning of thy seruant Moses such discourses were not fit to be put among my Confessions should I not confesse vnto thee I cannot tell and yet this I can tell That they are all true senses those carnall ones excepted of which I haue fully spoken mine opinion As for those little ones of good hopes them doe not the words of thy Bible terrifie which deliuer high my steries in so humble a phrase few things in so copious an expression And as for all those whom I confesse both to haue seene and spoken the truth deliuered in those words let vs loue one another yea and ioyntly together let vs loue thee our God the fountayne of truth if so bee our thirst bee after truth and not after vanities yea let vs in such manner honour this seruant of thine the dispencer of this Scripture so full of thy Spirit that wee may beleeue him when by thy reuelation he wrote these things to haue bent his intentions vnto that sense in them which principally excels the rest both for light of truth and fruitfullnesse of profit CHAP. 31. Truth is to be receiued whoeuer speakes it 1. SO now when another shall say Moses meant as I doe and another Yea the very same that I doe I suppose that with more religion I may say Why meant hee not as you both meane if you both meane truely And if there may bee a third truth or a fourth yea if any other man may discouer any other trueth in those words why may not Hee bee beleeued to haue seene all these Hee by whose ministery GOD that is but One hath tempered these holy Scriptures to the meanings of a many that were both to see true and yet diuerse things For mine owne part verily and fearelessely I speake it from my heart that were I to endite any thing that should attayne the highest Top of authority I would choose to write in such a strayne as that my words might carry the sound of any trueth with them which any man were apprehensiue of concerning these matters rather then so clearely to set downe one true sence onely concerning some one particular as that I should thereby exclude all such other sences which being not false could no waies offend mee I will not therefore O my God be so heady as not to beleeue that this a man obtained not thus much at thy hands Hee without doubt both perceiued and was aduised of in those words whenas hee wrote them what trueth soeuer wee haue beene able to finde in them yea and whatsoeuer we haue not heretofore beene able no nor yet are prouided that this trueth bee possible to bee found in them at all CHAP. 32. He prayes to obtaine the right meaning 1. LAstly O Lord thou that art a God and not flesh and blood what though a man should not see all yet could any part of that be concealed from thy good Spirit who shall leade me into the land of vprightnesse which thou thy selfe wert by those words to reueale vnto the Readers of all times to come notwithstanding that he that deliuered vs these words might among many true meaning pitche his thoughts perchance vpon one onely Which if so it bee let that meaning then bee granted to bee more excellent then the rest But doe thou O Lord eyther reueale that very same vnto vs or any other true one which thou pleasest that so whether thou discouerest the same vnto vs which thou diddest vnto that seruant of thine or else some other by occasion of those words yet do thou thy selfe edifie vs and let not error deceiue vs. 2. Behold now O Lord my God how much we haue written vpon a few words yea how much I beseech thee What strength of ours yea what ages would bee sufficient to goe ouer all thy bookes in this manner Giue mee leaue therefore brieflyer now to confesse vnto thee concerning them and to make choyce of some one true certaine and good sense that thou shalt inspire mee withall yea and if many such sences shall offer themselues vnto mee where many safely may leaue them also to bee confessed by mee that I may at length preach the same which thine owne minister intended both rightly and most profitably for that is the thing which my duty is to endeauor which if I may not attayne vnto yet let mee preach that which by those words thy Truth was pleased to tell mee which sometimes reuealed also vnto him that which it pleased The end of the twelfth booke Saint Augustines Confessions The Thirteenth Booke CHAP. 1 He calleth vpon God 1. I Call vpon thee O my God my mercy vpon thee that createdst me and who hast not forgotten him that had forgotten thee I enuite thee into my soule which by a desire that thy selfe inspireth into her thou now preparest to entertayne thee Forsake mee not now when I call vpō thee whō thou preuentest before I call'd hauing beene earnest with mee with much variety of repeating calls that I would heare thee from a far and suffer my selfe to be conuerted and call at length vpon thee that now calledst after me For thou Lord hast blotted out all my euill dseeruings left thou shouldest bee forced to take vengeance vpon my hands wherewith I haue fallen off from thee and thou hast Preuented all my well deseruings too that thou mightest returne a recompence vnto thine owne hands with which thou madest mee because that before I was Thou art Nor was I any thing vpon which thou mightest bestow the fauour to cause mee to bee and yet behold I now am meerely out of thine owne goodnesse preuenting both all this which thou hast made mee and all that too whereof thou hast made mee For thou neyther hadst any neede of mee nor yet am I of such good vse as any wayes to bee helpefull vnto my Lord and God nor am I made to be so assistant to thee with my seruice as to keepe thee from tyring in thy working or for feare thy power might