and trouble upon my spirits and well it may be so for the sins of this day have been very great My heart hath not answered the expressions of thanks which have been uttered by the mouths of those that spake them to God No no my heart hath not stirred and been drawn out towards my God! The thoughts of his love have not ravished my Soul Alas I scarce felt any holy spark to warm my Soul this day This day which was a day of the greatest mercy of any in all my life the day in which I have had an opportunity to give thanks for all the mercies of my life and thanks it self is a greater mercy than the rest All other mercies are to prepare for this This is the work of a glorified Saint even a Saint in heaven before the blessed face of God It 's his everlasting business to Sing the Songs of Thanksgiving and Praise to the Most High But my thoughts have not been filled with the sweet foretasts of this blessed work which I might have had this day O God I beseech thee forgive my sin and lay not my deadness to my charge but overlook all my transgressions and look on me in Jesus Christ my Saviour I am thine Lord and not mine own This day I have under my Hand and Seal in the presence of Witnesses nay in thine own presence who art Witness sufficient were there no eye to see me or ear to hear me Thou Lord that knowest all things knowest that I have devoted my All to thee Take it and accept my Sacrifice Help me to pay my vows Wilt thou not accept me because I do it not more sincerely and believingly O Lord I unfeignedly desire to do it aright O wilt thou strengthen my weak desires I believe Lord help my unbelief Thou that canst make me what I am not O make me what thou wouldst have me be In thee there is all fulness and to thee I desire to come by Christ. Wilt thou now cast me off because I do it not unreservedly Lord I confess the Devil tempteth and the flesh saith Spare something what let all go And I find in me a carnal selfish principle ready to close with the temptation But thou canst prevent and conquer all and speak death to these corruptions and bid the Tempter be gone It is thy pleasure here to suffer thy dear children to be tempted but fuffer not temptations to prevail against thy Spirit and Grace If temptation be like a torrent of water to smother quench or hide the flame yet wilt thou never let all the sparks of thy Grace be put out in the soul where once thou hast truly kindled it But Lord suffer not such floods to fall on my soul where the spark is so small already that it is even scarce discernible O quicken it and blow it up to a holy flame Most gracious God! O do it here who hast done it for many a soul O what have I said that I have a spark of grace why the least spark is worth ten thousand times more thanks than I can ever express and I have been dead and unthankful as is before confessed And is that a sign of grace Unthankful dead and dull I have been and still am but yet it must needs be from Gods gift in me that I have any desires after him and that this day I have desired to devote my self to him and that I can say I would be more holy and more heavenly even as the Lord would have me be Nay I do know the time when I had none of these desires and had no mind to God and the ways of godliness and do I not know that there be many in this condition who have no desires after Christ and holiness Here then is matter of comfort given me from him that doth accept the desires of his poor creatures even the Lord Christ who will not quench the smoaking flax nor break the bruised reed I see then that I have yet matter of rejoycing and must labour to be so humbled for my remaining sins as may tend to my future joy in believing but not so as to be discouraged and frightned from God who is longsuffering and abundant in mercy Rouze up thy self then to God my soul humbly but believingly repent that thou hast been so unthankful and insensible of the benefits this day received up up and lie not down so heavily God hath heard prayers for thee and given thee life and opportunity to serve him He hath given thee all the outward mercies thy heart can desire He hath given thee dear godly able friends such as can help thee in the way to heaven yea he hath set them to beg spiritual mercies for thee who prevailed for temporal for thee and oft for many others why then shouldst thou not watch and pray and wait in hope that he hath heard their prayers this day for thy soul as formerly for thy body They are things commanded of God to be asked and we have his promise that seeking we shall find It may be this night many of Gods dear children will yet pray for my soul I doubt not some will and shall I not be glad of such advantage I heard this day that I must not forbear thanks because the mercies are yet imperfect else we should never give thanks on earth Though therefore my Grace be yet but a spark and weak my body weak my heart sad all these administer matter of thanks and praise as well as of supplication Let me therefore keep close to both they being the life of my life while I live here and having daily need of supply from God let me daily be with him and live as in his presence Let him be the chief in all my thoughts my heart and life And let me remember to be earnest for my poor Relations and dear Friends and the Church and people of God in general And let me strive to keep such a moderate sense of sorrow on my soul as occasion requireth I have now cause of sorrow for parting with my dear friends my Father my Pastor He is by providence called away and going a long journey what the Lord will do with him I cannot foresee it may be he is preparing some great mercy for us and for his praise I know not but such a day as this may be kept here on his account The will of the Lord be done for he is wise and good we are his own let him do with us what he pleaseth all shall be for good to them that love God I have cause to be humbled that I have been so unprofitable under mercies and means it may grieve me now he is gone that there is so little that came from him left upon my soul. O let this quicken and stir me up to be more diligent in the use of all remaining helps and means And if ever I should enjoy this mercy again O let me make it appear that this night
mans affections workt to prepare his dear Kinswoman for death but he dyed and most of his before her CHAP. IV. Some parcels of Counsel for her deliverance from this distressed Case which I find reserved by her for her use § 1. WHILE in her languishing and after it she was still cast down condemned her self as a graceless wretch and her good Mother and Friends afraid that her grief would encrease her sickness as it did their sadness and yet she obstinately concealed it from all save a few sad complaints to one person who wrote thereof some fragments which she extracted for her use I shall here recite them for others that have the same fears § 2. The miscarriage of a Relation troubling her this was set down When God hath done so much for you will you leave it in the power of an unconstant creature to trouble you and rob you of your peace Is the joy in the Holy Ghost so subject to the malice of your enemies or the weakness of your friends Delight your self in an Allsufficient constanr God and he will be to you a sufficient constant delight and will give you the desires of your heart I see you are yet imperfect in self-denial while you are too sensible of unkindnesses and crosses from your friends and bear them with too much passion and weakness know you not yet what the creature is and how little to be expected from it Do you not still reckon to meet with such infirmities in the best as will be injarious to others as they are troublesome to themselves It 's God that we most wrong and yet he beareth with us and so must we with one another Had you expected that creatures should deal as creatures and sinners as sinners how little of this kind of trouble had you felt Especially take heed of too much regard to matters of meer reputation and the thoughts of men else you are like a leaf in the wind that will have no rest Look on man as nothing and be content to approve your self to God and then so much honour as is good for you will follow as the shadow If every frailty and unkindness of the best friends must be your trouble it is to be impatient with the unavoidable pravity of mankind and you may as well grieve that they were born in sin and made your acquaintance And it should be used as a mercy to keep you from inordinate affections to friends It 's a mercy to be driven from creature-rest though it be by enemies Keep a fixed apprehension of the inconsiderableness of all these little things that cross you and turn your eye to God to Christ to Heaven the things of unspeakable weight and you will have no room for these childish troubles Yet turn not the discovery of this your weakness into dejection but amendment I perceive you are apter to hold to the sense of your own distempers than to think what counsel is given you against them § 3. On another occasion she recorded these words How hard is it to keep our hearts in going too far even in honest affections toward the creature while we are so backward to love God who should have all the heart and soul and might Too strong love to any though it be good in the kind may be sinful and hurtful in the degree 1. It will turn too many of your thoughts from God and they will be too oft running after the beloved creature 2. And by this exercise of thoughts and affections on the creature it may divert and cool your love to God which will not be kept up unless our thoughts be kept more to him yea though it be for his sake that you love them 3. It will encrease your sufferings by interessing you in all the dangers and troubles of those whom you over-love § 4. When she seemed to her self near death You now see what the world and all its pleasures are and how it would have used you if you had had no better a portion and God had not taught you a happier choice Providence now tells you that they are vanity and if over-valued worse but if you learn to see their nothingness you will be above the trouble of losing them as well as the snares of too delightful enjoying them Pardon all injuries to men and turn your thoughts from them and keep your heart as near as possible to the heart of Christ and live as in his arms who is usually sweetest when the creature most faileth us if we do but turn our hearts from it to him § 5. Another time Can you find that you are resolvedly devoted to Christ and yet doubt whether Christ be resolvedly and surely yours Are you willinger or faithfuller than he Hence she gathered her self as followeth When I read the evidence of my self-resignation to Christ I should as it were see Christ standing over me with the tenderest care and hear him say I accept thee as my own For I must believe his acceptance as I perform my resignation O what is he providing for me What entertainment with him shall I shortly find Not such as he found with man when he came to seek us it is not a Manger a Crown of thorns a Cross that he is preparing for me when I have had my part of these in following him I shall have my place in the glorious Ierusalem § 6. This fragment she wrote next For the sake of your own soul and life and friends and for the honour of that tender mercy and free grace which you are bound to magnifie Let not Satan get advantage against your peace and thankfulness to God and the acknowledgment of his obliging love Let him not on pretence of humiliation turn your eyes on a weak distempered heart from the unspeakable mercy which should sill yonr heart with love and joy notwithstanding all your lamented infirmities You perceive not that it is Satan that would keep you still under mournful sadness under the pretence of repentance and godly sorrow You are not acquainted with his wiles You have cause of sorrow but much more of joy And your rejoycing in Gods love would please him better than all your sad complaints and troubles though he despise not a contrite spirit I charge it on your conscience that when you are in prayer you confess and lament your distrustfnl suspicious unthankful uncomfortable thoughts of God and Jesus Christ more than all your want of sorrow for him And you trouble your self for such kind of sins the honesty of whose occasion may give you more comfort than the fault doth sorrow I know we have not our comfort at command But see that your endeavour and striving be more for a comfortable than for a sorrowful frame of spirit Two things I must blame you for 1. That you take the imperfections of your duties and obedience to be greater reasons for discomfort than the performance and sincerity are reasons for comfort as if you thought
thus that have not constant apprehensions of their evidence and whose assurance is hindred by imperfectious You have heard the contrary But suppose that you have yet no saving-grace or part in Christ why stand you complaining while Christ stands intreating you to accept his mercy Ishe not in good earnest The offer is free it is not your purchase and merit but consent that will prove your title Why do you complain and not consent even to the Baptismal Covenant Or if you consent why do you complain as if Christs promise were not true or as if consent were not a a proof of saving-faith If you confess that you should not doubt and be dejected on such terms methinks the Cure should be half wrought Dare you indulge it while you know it to be your sin Have you not sin enough already And is it not unkindness to deny so great a mercy as the converting-grace which you so lately felt and to suspect his love who is love it self and hath so largely exprest his love to you Would you easily believe that your Mother would kill you for such defects as you fear that God will damn you for Yea tho' she were perfectly just and holy Is it congruous to hear Ministers tell men from Christ that he beseecheth them to be reconciled to God and will refuse none that are willing of his grace and cure and at the same time to hear such as you almost ready to despair as if God would not be reconciled nor give grace to them that fain would have it but will be inclined to reject humbled souls Reason not for your distrustful fears and sorrows but still disowne them and accuse them and then they will vanish by degrees and dye yea then you will sure oppose them your self and God will help you Can you look that God should help you against the sin which you plead for and defend If faith and love be the vital graces distrust of God and denying his love must not be defended as no sin As the ungodly cannot expect the grace which they refuse so how can you expect the peace which you oppose and say as Psal. 77. My soul refuseth to be comforted and say of your passionate fear and grief as Ionas of his anger I do well to be angry even unto death Be convinced that Christ is yours if you accept him and consent and then that comfort is your interest right and duty and then you will do more to comfort for t your self than I am endeavouring when I chide you for your fears Sure sinful sorrow is no desirable thing nor to be pleaded for you durst do nothing to the murder of a friend no nor to his grief and you are bid to love your Neighbour as your self Away then with your weakning griefs and troubles lest they prove a degree of self-murder If you care for your self the comfort of your Mother and Friends and the honour of the unspeakable riches of Gods grace at least own it to be your duty to oppose sinful fear and to rejoice in God and serve him with delight and cheerful praises and do your best against all that is against this duty And suffer not your sore to fester by your silence but open your case to some one that is able to help you impartially to try it by the word of God and to pray with you that God will mercifully discover your infirmities and the remedy It were but wisdom to conceal your case from others if you can well be cured without their help § 7. Some strivings against her fears and sorrows I find next in this Paper following dated by her April 3. The sadder my present condition is the greater is the mercy that I am yet alive why then should I not give God thanks for that and beg the rest which yet I want And though my life seem but a burden to me sometimes it is my great mistake for the greatest afflictions are nothing to hell-torments Were they as great as ever any had while I am alive live on this side Eternity there is hope The time of grace is yet continued if I be found in mercies way I know not but God may yet be gracious and give in my soul as he hath done my life at his peoples prayers For I cannot but look on my life as an answer of their prayers And sure they desired my life only that I might live to God I desired it my self on no other terms It was my earnest request that I might not live if not to him Why then should I be persuaded by Satan to think that God will not give me grace as well as life May I not rather be encouraged with patience to wait for further mercy It is a mercy that I am in any measure sensible of my danger and have any desire to be holy I will therefore stir up my soul to thankfulness and be humbled that I can be no more thankful I will acknowledg the mercy I have received and the probability of future mercy and this by Gods assistance the Devil shall not hinder me from doing § 8. I will add one of her Papers containing her resolutions after her recovery in some few particulars Decemb. 30. was my worst day I did not then think to be alive this day I ought not to forget it On Ian. 1. New-years-day I first bled at the nose largely and after mended The fourth day was kept in humiliation for me April 10. was a day of Thanksgiving When I thought I should dye I was more than ordinarily sensible of my unprofitable life and had such convictions as usually people in my condition have and I then made many resolutions as in such cases others do I remembred that I had heard much of the promises that many made in sickness which they never performed and I thought it was gross hypocrisie to speak now of that which I was past performing as I thought but that I were better write down my purposes and discover them if God recovered me that they might be as strong an engagement on me as if I had spoken them to men I. I resolved that I would endeavour to get and keep a sense of that great mercy of Gods restoring me from the peril of threatned death in answer of prayers which was the greater in that God threatned to take me hence when I was but in the birth and had scarce well begun to live This mercy I promised to be thankful for and to acknowledg other mercies as God should make me able II. I resolved that I would endeavour to be in a fixed state and way of duty and in order to this I would take advice of one who is I conceive most fit to advise me And I resolve by Gods assistance that I will not consult with flesh and blood nor study my carnal interest but resolvedly set on the way of my duty and freely discourse my thoughts so far as is requisite to my
is a good friend But Art and Industry are necessary to the improvement And no wonder when we fetch not the help and comfort which we might have from God from Christ himself from Heaven from Scripture for want of improving skill and industry O how easie is it when our friends are taken from us to say Thus and thus I might and should have used them rather than so to use them while we have them I hope God will help me to make some better use of thee while we are together and at a distance O let not a hearty request to God for each other be any day wanting Dear heart the time of our mutual help is short O let us use it accordingly but the time of our reaping the fruit of this and all holy endeavours and preparatory mercies will be endless Yet a little while and we shall be both with Christ. He is willing of us and I hope we are willing of him and of his Grace though the flesh be weak I am absent but God is still with you your daily Guide and Keeper and I hope you will labour to make him your daily Comfort And now you have none to divert and hinder you to say When I awake I am still with thee And when you are up I have set the Lord always before me because he is at my right hand I shall not be moved And when Thoughts crowd in In the multitude of my thoughts within me thy Comforts delight my Soul And when Thoughts would trouble and perplex you My Meditation of him shall be sweet and I will delight in the Lord. And when your Wants and Duty call you to him It is good for me to draw nigh to God All other comforts will be as the things are which we take comfort in that is Helpful if the things be helpful and used but as Helps Hurtful if the things be hurtful or hurtfully used Vain if the things be vain Short if the things be transitory and durable if the things are durable to us And this is the chief comfort which you and I must have in one another that is as helpful towards God and as our converse with him will be durable The Lord forgive my great unprofitableness and the sin that brought me under any disabilities to answer your earnest and honest desires of greater helps than I afford you and help me yet to amend it towards you But though my Soul be faulty and dull and my strength of Nature fail be sure that he will be a thousand fold better to thee even here than such crooked feeble useless things as is From Hampden Thy R. B. CHAP. IX Of her Bodily Infirmities and her Death § 1. HER diseased frightfulness and many former sicknesses I have mentioned before A great pain of the Head held her from her youth two or three days every Fortnight or little more and upon every thing that did irritate the matter she had a constant straitness in the Lungs a great incapacity of much exercise motion or any heating thing Ever since her sickness 1659. she hath lived in an ill-conceited fear of distraction which greatly hurt her It was because she had an Aunt long so deceased and her Parents were naturally passionate and her spirits over-quick and her blood thin and Mobile and though wisdom hid it from others in her converse she felt the trouble of her own mind in things as aforesaid that much displeased her and so lived in a constant fear which tended to have brought on her what she feared But her understanding was so far from failing that it was higher and clearer than other peoples but like the treble strings of a Lute strained up to the highest sweet but in continual danger § 2. About three years ago by the mis-perswasion of a friend drinking against the Collick a spoonful of powdered Ginger every morning near a quarter of a year together and then falling into some over-whelming thoughts besides it overthrew her Head for a few days but God in great mercy soon restored her § 3. Ever since that time her Head-ach abated and she complained of a pain in one of her Breasts and her uncurable timerousness setled her in a conceit that she should have a Cancer which I saw no great cause to fear but she could neither endure to hear that it was none or that it was but in fearing uncertainty prepared constantly for a sad death And several Friends Neighbours and Relations lately dying of Cancers increased her fear but she seemed to be prepared cheerfully to undergo it § 4. The many and weekly rumors of Plots Firings Massacres c. much increased this fear as is aforesaid and the death of very many Neighbours young strong and excellent Christians of greatest use and many near friends did greatly add to her sadness and expectations of death But little of this was seen to any she purposely carried it pleasantly and as merrily to others when she was troubled § 5. The fears of a Cancer made her take the Waters for Physick often and she kept down her body so in her diet that about five Ounces of Milk or Milk and Water with a little Chocolate in it morning and night and about one or two bits at Dinner was her diet for many years § 6. At last about ten weeks before her sickness almost all her pain went out of her Breast and all fixed in a constant pain upon the right Kidney and with the pain her Urine stopt that about four parts of five ceased for about ten weeks She divers days drunk Barnet-Waters but I think they were the last occasion of her sickness and too much tincture of Amber which work't too powerfully on her Brain and suddenly cast her into strong disturbance and deliration in which though the Physicians with great kindness and care did omit nothing in their power she died the 12th day She fell sick on Friday Iune 3. 1681. and died Iune 14. § 7. Though her understanding never perfectly returned she had a very strong remembrance of the affecting passages of her life from her childhood Mrs. Corbet whom she dearly loved and had newly got into the house to be her companion with others standing by she cried out to me My mother is in Heaven and Mr. Corbet is in Heaven and thou and I shall be in Heaven And even in her last weakness was perswaded of her salvation § 8. She oft shewed us that her soul did work towards God crying out complaining of her Head Lord make me know what I have done fâ—r which I undergo all this Lord I submit God chooseth best for me She desired me to pray by her and seemed quietly to join to the end She heard divers Psalms and a Chapter read and repeated part and sung part of a Psalm her self The last words that she spake were My God help me Lord have mercy upon me § 9. God had been so many years training her up under the
I was sensible of my neglect of it And now here is comfort that I have to deal with a God of mercy that will hear a poor repenting sinner a God that will in no wise cast out those that come to him but loveth whom he loveth to the end This is the God whom I have chosen and taken for my portion the same God is his God his Guide and Comforter The whole world is but a house where Gods children dwell a little while till he hath fitted them for the heavenly Mansions and if he send them out of one room into another to do his work and try their obedience and if he put some in the darkest corners of his house to keep them humble though he separate those that are most beloved of each other it is but that they may not love so much as to be loth to part and come to him who should have all their love However it fareth with his children in this house or howling wilderness the time will come and is at hand when all the children shall be separate from the Rebels and be called home to dwell with their Father their Head and Husband and the elect shall all be gathered into one Then farwell sorrow farwell hard heart farwell tears and sad repentance And then blessed Saints that have believed and obeyed Never so unworthy crowned thou must be This was the project of redeeming-love When the Lord shall take our carkasses from the grave and make us shine as the Sun in glory then then shall friends meet and never part and remember their sad and weary nights and days no more Then may we love freely What now is wanting to dispel all sorrow from my heart Nothing but the greater hopes that I shall be one of this number This this can do it No matter if I had no friend near me and none on earth if God be not far from me it 's well enough and whatever here befalls the Church and people of God it 's but as for one day and presently the storm will be all over Let me therefore cast all my care on God Let me wait on him in the way of duty and trust him let me run with patience the race that is set before me looking to Jesus the Author and finisher of my faith and believingly go to him in all my troubles and let me so labour here that I may find rest to my soul in the Rest that remaineth for the people of God Rest O sweet word The weary shall haver est they shall rest in the Lord. April 10. on Thursday night at twelve of the clock a day and night never to be forgotten by the least of all Gods mercies yea less than the least Thy unworthy unthankful hard-hearted creature M. Charlton § 5. Is not here in all these Papers which I saw not till she was dead a great deal of work for one day besides all the publick work of a Thanksgiving day If I should give you an account of all her following Twenty One years what a Volume would it amount to If you ask why I recite all this which is but matter well known to ordinary Christians I answer 1. It is not as matter of knowledg but of soul workings towards God 2. Is not this extraordinary in a Convert of a year or few months standing 3. The love of God and her makes me think it worth the publishing They that think otherwise may pass it by but there are souls to whom it will be savoury and profitable § 6. Yet she continued under great fears that she had not saving Grace because she had not that degree of holy affection which she desired And before in her sickness her fears increased her disease and danger I will here for the use of others in the like case recite some scraps of a Letter of counsel as I find them transcribed by her self I Advise you to set more effectually to the means of your necessary consolation your strange silent keeping your case to your self from your mother and all your friends is an exceeding injury to your peace Is it God or Satan that hindereth you from opening your sore and make you think that concealment is your wisdom If it be pride that forbids it how dare you obey such a commander Many of our sores are half healed when well opened if Prudence foresee some forbidding inconvenience you have prudent friends and two prudent persons may see more than one But because you will not tell us I will disjunctively tell it you 1. Your trouble of soul is either some affliction 2. Or some sin 3. Or the doubt of your sincerity and true grace I. If it be affliction dare you so indulge impatience as to conclude against your future comforts while you have Gods love and title to salvation Dare you say that these are of so small weight that a cross like yours will weigh them down and that you will not rejoice in all the promises of life eternal till your Cross be removed II. If it be sin it is either past or present if past why do you not repent and thankfully accept your pardon If present it is inward corruption or outward transgression Which ever it be if you love it why do you grieve for it and groan under it If you grieve for it why are you not willing to leave it and be holy If you are willing to leave it and would fain have Gods grace in the use of his means to make you holy this is the true nature of Repentance And why then are you not thankful for grace received for Pardon Adoption and your part in Christ more than you are troubled for remaining sin Should none rejoyce that have sin to trouble them and keep them in a daily watch and war Read Rom. 7. 8. if you will see the contrary If any man sin we have an Advocate with the Father Iesus Christ the righteous and he is the propitiation for our sins Dare you refuse your comforts on such reasons as would deny comfort to all the world He that saith he hath no sin is a lyar And will you for this deny the known duty of thanks and praise for all that you have received You have been taught to difference between cause of Doubting and cause of filial humiliation And if it were any particular sin that needs particular help and counsel why do you not open it for help which its probably would do more against it than many years secret trouble and dejection alone will do 3. If it be doubts of your sincerity and grace why do you refuse to reason the case and say what it is that persuadeth you that you are graceless that we may try it by the word of God What evidence is it that you want You have confest that sometime you are convinced of sincerity and can you so easily deny what you have found as to conclude your self so miserable as you do Should all do