am away strayght to pay for the feeding of their Horses there was a Chamber-maide damb'd for keeping her virginitie till shee was marryed and there were many Soldiers damb'd for saying their prayers when they were drunke Fl: But what didst thou see in hell Ruff, O I sawe a Scriuener damb'd for procuring a Gentleman money Gratis but I came in an excellent time Fle, What time wa' st Ruff, In a gossipping time for Proserpina was newllie brought a bed of two twins Fl: Two twins what were they Ruff, A Sergeant and a Yeoman but shee has put them out to nurse Fle, I prithee where Ruff: Faith at the Counter in Wood-street and the slaues will sucke alreadie like little Horsleaches Fl: But when will she haue am home that shee may be rid of am Ruff: Faith shee 's an vnnaturall Mother shee cares not greatlie if they neuer come home but the deuill their Father hee loues am well hee le haue am home againe ere long Fle: Which is the elder Brother Ruff, O the Sergeant the Deuill allowes him the better maintenance for hee has more to the dressing of his meate Fle. Well Gentlemen since by the heauens pleasure I haue bin appointed to saue your liues let mee intreate you to keepe your selues secret till the sequell of this action shall neede your presence Ruff, Come le ts goe wee le onely follow your directions Exeunt Enter two Iudges with their traine and sit downe Iaylor VVil 't please yee haue the prisoners brought foorth Caius VVee can doe nothing till wee heare from Doctor Ferrio to knowe his pleasure in these proceedings 2. Iudges Was any man sent to him Caius Yes Fleire the Lady Floridaes man which is not yet returned Enter a Iaylor Iaylor Reuerend Iudges heere 's a Doctor at doore desires admittance Caius Intreate him to come in Enter Fleire like a Doctor Fle, Learned Doctors Doctor Ferrio commends him to you and because sicknesse hath laide so strong a hand vpon his weake decrepit bodye which dooth detayne his presence hee intreates you to accept of mee in his place and as assurance of his earnest desire thereof he has sent this well knowne ring as a token to you Caius Sir wee knowe the ring and you are verie welcome and so I pra'y assume his place Iaylor Is it your pleasure the Prisoners be brought footh Caius I both of them Enter Piso Knight two Ladies two wenches Nan and Sue Petoune Fromaga Caius My Lord you are heere indited of a hatefull crime I am verie sorry to see you in this sort stand here Pis. Thrice Reuerend Iudges and therefore honored Lords I must confesse that like a skilfull dancer I haue truely footed folly yet like a learner in my course of life trod much out of measure I haue liu'd like an vnbackt colt proud and wanton my tree of life hath borne more leaues then fruite I neuer was deboash'd steard away my daies even in a sea of sinne Caius And in that sea my Lord you bore so great a saile as you haue ouer set your barke of life and heere you are accused my Lord euen of a hatefull crime so is the Knight there for poisoning two Gentlemen Sparke and Ruffell how doe you answere this my Lord Pis. Alas my Lord this is soone answered for though that I haue surfeited on sinne yet haue I not bin drunke with blood Caius What say you Knight Kni: The crime is great I must confesse my Lord but I am sure the proofe can be but little Cai: Ladies you know moste and therefore t is fittest most you speake Fl. Why then my Lord this is all we can say this Lord and knight feasted diuers of vs their friendes but foure of vs he drench'd with such a dramme which soone made two discharge the debt they owd to nature Pis. O conscience wouldst thou giue me leaue Fal: And wee no doubt my Lordes had long ere this breath'd out our liues like them but that we had the lesser quantisie for being esteemed the weaker vessels they thought the lesser blow would breake vs Kni: O had not death arrested me Fle: VVhy then my Lord wee thus must now proceede they that spilt innocent blood themselues must bleed but Ladies I haue heard you had a man cald Fleire what 's become of him Flo He was sent to Doctor Ferrio and we neuer saw him since Fl, Doe you know his hand Ladies Fel. Very well Fle. I pray looke heere then Flo This is his hand indeede Fel. I very perfectly doe know it to be his Fle Why then vppon this hand I heare arrest you both vpon your liues Both Who wee Fle, I you Ladies my Lord I pray you reade this letter Cai: Reuerend Iudges God wil by some meanes punish euerie sinne and though against my will yet by my conscience I am enforced to vnmaske my Ladies vilianies the murther for which the Lord and Knight are like to die was first plotted by them the two Pages with my selfe did heare it the Prisoners in this action are inforc't by Sacrament to be secret and thus intreating heauen in Iustice still to ayde you Yours Fleere a Florentine Caius Is this true my Lord 2 Iudg They are sworne not to reueale it Fle. But being reueald they may affirme it Both T is too true my Lord Fle, Where are the Pages Both Heere my Lord Fle. How say you boyes to this letter Both The letter speakes nothing but the truth Fle: Wel Ladies then we heere pronounce this sentence that you must die among the rest Flo You powers deuine I know doe plainely see Heauens starrie eyes sees all our villanie And God in Iustice murther will reueale But were I now my life for to beginne I de be an honest wife to you wherefore forgiue me deerest Lord Pis, Lady I doe euen as I hope to be forgiuen Fel. Show mercy heauen my sinnes doe thee offend There 's none can say hee 's happie till his end Forgiuenesse Knight and since the law on vs Hath laid so strickt a hand O let me be Thy wife before I die and were I now A thousand yeares to liue I would be honest Louing none but thee Kni. I doe forgiue you Lady with my soule Enter a Messenger with Letters to Piso. Mes. Long liue my honored Lord and mighty Duke of Florence Pis, So a will as long as 't please the Hang-man Mes, My honored Lord your Father is deceased and the state of Florence by me hath sent their Letters and allegiance Pis. Let them call backe the banisht Signior Antifront whome they we and al haue wrong'd O could I liue but to inquire him out in satisfaction of his wronges I de marry his eldest Daughter and whilst a liu'd a should be restored to his estate but O hee 's Fleire showes himselfe to be Antifront Fle. Heere my Lord I taxe you to your word Signior Antifront yet liues And heere 's his elder Daughter whome himselfe But now condemn'd to die and heere 's the younger Left for you the poisoned men are heere a liue againe Who did but dreame of death but yet doe Liue t' enrich a nuptiall bed to you two And now since euerie thing so well doth sort Let all be pleas'd in this our comicke sport Where 's Petoune he shal haue his Mistris too He most deserues for he did hotly woe If we part friendes your hands vnto vs lend What was not well wee le next striue to amend Exeunt Omnes FINIS
Spar. Faith Ladyes youth and beauty alwaies bee your handmaides Ruff: Best fortunes your attendants Piso. Good clothes your companions Ruff: Wee all of vs your seruants Pet. And let Tobacco be your perfumes Nan Lord Gentlemen how your wits Caper me thinkes t would become you well at first entrance your discretions came in with a sober measure Sp. Ladies we are come to make a Gentleman of your acquaintance heere Nan His name good Maister Spark hee 's very welcome Spar, His name is Sig Petoune a Traueller and a great Tobaconist Pet Faith Ladyes I take it now and then fasting for the purification of my wit Sus: Purification why has your wit layne in child-bed sir Ruff: Yes indeede Lady brought to bed of a Moone-calfe Pet Faith Ladies if you vsde but mornings when ye rise the diuine smoke of this Celestiall herbe it will more purifie clense and mundifie your complexions by ten partes then your dissolued Mercury your iuice of Lemmons your distilled snailes your gourd waters your oyle of tartar or a thousand such toyes Spa. Sure Ladies I must needes say th' instinct of this herb hath wrought in this Gentleman such a diuine influence of good words excellēt discourse admirable inuention incōparable wit why I tel yee when he talkes wisdom stands a mile off and dares not come neere him for feare a should shame her but before a did vse this Tobacco a was the arrantst Woodcock that euer I saw Pet Indeed I was a very silly fellow Ruff. Nay you were an arrant asse Pet. Sure I was a foole Kni: Nay you were a most monstrous puppie Pet Indeed I was an Idiot a verie Idiot Piso. By this light thou wert a most egregious coxcombe Pet. Indeed I was indeed I was Sp. But since it hath imbellisht his good parts perfected his ill partes and made his secrete actions correspondent to his outward wisdome as you may well perceiue Pet. Faith Ladie these Gentlewomen haue not long vsed my companie yet you see how Tobacco hath alreadie refined their spirits Piso. Petoune I wonder Tobacco hath not purifyed the complexion of thy nose Pet. Why what ayles my nose Piso. Nay be not angrie I do not touch thy nose to th' end a should take any thing in snuffe Pet. Why do y' play so about my nose Kni. T' is a good turne hee s no Flie signeur if a were a would burne his wings Nan O signeur these Gentlewomen haue not long vsed your companie yet you see how Tobacco hath alreadie refined their spirits Pet Fayth Ladie would you bestowe but one fauour of me Nan Truly signeur if you should haue as much fauour as you haue complexion you would bee highly fauoured Pet. Deare Ladie now by this day I loue you Nan Cheape signeur nowe by the light of this day I cannot loue you Sp. Now Ladie what drugs of wit has this Apothecarie of Tobacco sold you Nan Faith a solde me none sir onely a gaue me a taste of his good meaning Pet. Faith Ladie I must enquire your name Sus: I pra'y doe sir yond Gentlewoman knowes it Pet. O I know tit well inough Svs. Why doe you enquire it then Pet. Come come Ladie can you loue Sus. I Pet. And can you loue me Sus: No Pet. Euerie foole can say I and no Sus: And I alwayes answere euerie foole so Pet. do y' thinke I want wit Sus. If you do t' is a shame you doe not learne it Pet Will you teach me I le come to you to schoole Sus. T' is not my profession sir to teach a foole Sp: Looke looke this fellow is like your vpright shoo he will serue either foote Pet. Good Ladie haue a better regarde of mee doe but thinke me made of the same mettall other men are Sus: If others were of the same mettall you are and all mine I should quickelie sell them to the Bel-makers Pet. Why what mettall doe you thinke me Sus: Copper sir copper for I take your bodie to be of the same mettall your nose is Pet. Deare Ladie now by this day I loue you Sp: Why how now signeur what sayes the Ladie will she loue thee man Pet Faith I can get but a colde comfort of her Sp: Well thanke her for 't Pet For what Sp, Why for her cold comfort shee gaue it thee to coole the heate of thy nose man Sus: Signeur you see these Gentlewomen haue not long vsed your companie yet you see how Tobacco hath alreadie refined their spirits Ruf Why how now signeur at blind-man-buffe bob'd on either side Pet Prethe peace deare Ladie please you take a pipe of Tobacco Ruf: I come I le beginne to her tab why what a rogue art thou to offer a faire Ladie an emptie pipe Sus. Why signeur do you make a foole of me Piso Had you no body signeur to haue bob'd with an emptie Pipe but her Nan Why howe now signeur could you finde neuer a fitter block to whet your wit on but my sister Sp. By the diuine smoke of Tobacco signeur you haue sham'd vs all Pet Sweare not good sir sweare not prophane not the Indian plant Kni, Had you no bodie else signeur to breake an emptie ieast on but this Ladie Sus. No no a thinks any thing is good ynough for me Pet. Sir would you make my Ladie and me friends Spar. Nay signeur I haue no face to speake now you haue abusde her in your owne Element if it had beene in any thing but Tobacco I would haue done my best Ruff: Harke you sig you were best to aske her forgiuenes on your knees ther 's no way to get her friendship else Pet But wil she forgiue me thinke you if I aske her mercie on my knees Sp. Why proue signeur you can but trie wee le al speake for you Ruff: Good Lady will you forgiue this signeur you see his penitent griefe hath brought him verie low for hee s on 's knees besides he weepes speake signeur speake for your selfe Pet. Ladie I must confesse I haue offred you an emptie pipe which me thinks hath smal reason to be takē in snuff Sp: And you are sorie for 't signeur are you not Pet. I with all my heart Sp: Forgiue him good Ladie pra'y forgiue him Su. I am content Gent at your intreaties vpō conditions Pet Vpon any conditions Su: But you shall be sworne to them Pet. Most willingly Ruff: Come a shall be sworne on 's owne Tobacco pipe Piso Looke you signeur he told you there was no way to get her good will but by kneeling for he that will haue a womans loue must stoope Sus: Come maister Ruff: you shall take his oath and I le minister 't Ruff: Come signeur put your hand to the pipe Sus: First you shall neuer while you liue offer Ladie or Gentlewoman an emptie pipe Pet Neuer Su. Secondly you shall neuer make Tobacco your Idoll taking it in a morning before you say your prayers Pet Neuer Su:
Thirdly you shall neuer in the praise of Tobacco disclose or dispraise by the way of making comparisons the secrets of Ladies or Gentlewomen as repeating their distil'd waters their censing oyles or their smoothing vnguents Sp: To this you sweare Pet. Most willingly Su. Fourthly you shall neuer come with your squibs smoke-squirts amongst Ladies and Gentlewomē flinging out fume at your Nostrels as a whale doth salt-water vnlesse you be intreated by them Pet. Neuer Su. Fiftly you shall presently conuey your selfe out of our company neuer to come more neere vs vnlesse you be sent for Pet. Neuer Su. No neuer so let him kisse the pipe Sp: Come Signior you haue kneeld to a faire end to get you a Mistris and heere you haue for sworne her Pet. I 'me in a faire case now Pis. I faith now thar' t a combe for any case Pet. Well I le keepe my oath farewell Gentlemen Pis. Farwell Signior Sp: Adew Signior Kni: God bewe Signior Pet Well some shall smoke for this Ruff: Let it be your nose then good Signior in any case Exit Enter Signior Antifront disguised called Fleire It s a good soile a whole some ayre a pretty Towne handsome sleight buildings well proportioned people verie faire women Spa. Hayda this is like a Lawyers studdie in the latter end of a Terme one's no sooner thrung'd out but another's thrust in y' are welcome sir Fle. But I am not sir for I am sicke Ruff: Would you speake with any man heere Fl: I care not greatlie sir if I spoke with euery man here Nan Hee 's a mad fellowe Sp What art Fle. Poore Ruff: Dost meane to liue in this towne Fle: I de be loth to die in 't Kni. In what countrie wert borne Fle: In none Kni: Where then Fle: In a Towne Kni: What nation art Flei: An Italian Kni: O then thou canst make glasses Fle: I and as wisemen as you Asses too O are you there Piso your father is my good Lord but no more of that yet Sp. Why Signior I hope you wonnot swagger Fle: No nor I care not greatlie for them that doe for your swaggerer is but like your walking spur a gingles much but hee le neu'r pricke Kni: Why art so melancholie Su. I le hold my life hee is in loue with some waiting Gentlewoman Fle: Hee 's a mad fellowe wil loue anie of you all longer then a pissing while Pis: Why camst thou out of Italy into England Fl: Because England would not come into Italy to me Pis: Why art sad Fle: Because I haue cause Pis: Who doost follow Fle: My nose Sp: Who doost serue Fle: God Ruff: Who art towards Fle: He that 's before me Sp: What doost want Fle. Money Sp. Nothing else Fle. Yes Sp, What Flei. A good seruice Sp. Shall I preferre thee Flei. I cannot tell t is as I like the man Sp. Nai't shall be to a couple of Gentlewomen of thine owne Countrie Fl. I shall haue enough to doe then I hope I haue heard of one woman hath seru'd ten men but I neuer heard that one man should bee preferred to serue two women before y' are an Englishman Sp. I Fl. So I thought indeede you cannot poyson so well as we Italians but you le finde a meanes to bring a man out of his life as soone Gods light serue two women quoth you Sp. Why thou shalt serue but one yet take thy choice of both Fl, I marry Sir I like when 't comes to choosing Sp. What 's thy name Fle. Fleire Sp: What 's thy profession Fle: I haue euer been a Courtier Sp: A Courtier come Gentlemen I like this fellowe so well that I le prefer him straite Nan Do so you shall doe a deed of charitie in 't Sp. Faire Ladies you le excuse vs Exeunt Su. You haue bin very welcome Gentlemē manent Su Nan Na: Come sister there rests nothing for vs now but this we le get vs mens apparrel and serue them as Pages so shal we hinder them in their marriages and in th' end preferre our selues to be their wiues Su, I like it well come le ts about it presently Exeunt Finis Actus Primi Actus secundus Enter Fleire Solus in a new Suite Fl. I haue not yet bin seauen daies heere and yet I see that grieues my very soule my Daughters my Ladies I must say now make lust labour for their maintenance this foolish natiō wil sel their goods their lands nay their very soules for nights delights and momentarie sportes which like to lightning appeares and vanisheth ere one can say t is come but then repentance sticks close There was a fellow with one of my Ladies this morning and the poore slaue has but seauen shillings a weeke boord wages and yet he has giuen sixe on 't for a bit of extraordinarye flesh well God giue him the grace to pray for a must fast I askd the hot slaue why a did not marrie since a could not bridle his lust and a tolde me a had rather fal into the Surgions mercy then the worldes beggery well I see it cannot be denide mercinarie women are necessarie members they plucke downe the pride of the flesh yet are not proud themselues for thei 'le be as familiar with the men as with the Master they doe as many good deedes as some Fryers that puts one to pennance for his sinnes they put twentie to paines he out of charitie sends one to the Hospital once a yeare they send twentie to the Surgions once a month Say he bids men repent they make a'm repent yet for all this some will call a'm damn'd Puncks well if they bee damn'd thei le not be damn'd gratis like your yong coūtrie Gentlemen nor in hugger mugger like your Citizens wife with her Prentise They can practise without an ouerseer they scorne to haue a Suburbian Baw'd lend am a Taffaty gown they like your common Players let men come in for two pence a peece and yet themselues to haue but the tenth penny like the tenth Pigge yet faith the trade is a good trade They for sweare not themselues in commendation of their wares as your common Tradesmen doe swearing they cannot afford it at the price They are no prouerb breakers beware the buyer say they you shall haue enough for your money if halfe will not serue your turne take the whole measure by your own yard you shal haue Winchester measure I was somewhat bold with one of their Ladiships this morning askt her why women went to the generating sport al the yere since beastes themselues went too 't but once And she answered me because they were women had reason to know what was good for themselues and so had not beasts but soft here comes Signior Petoune Enter Petoune taking Tobacco Pet. O Fleire how doost Fleire Fle. O Signior you may snuffe out your smoke here Signior and saue your oath too heere are no Cuckold makers Pet What are they
youe neuer run bare before them Nan Neuer we sir Fle. Whither are you going Sus. Sir we want a service end are going to get a Master Fle. Come come I le preferre you both thou shalt serue a Countrey-man of mine hee s going to trauaile shalt goe with him thou shalt serue one of my Ladies Su. We would willingly serue two nere friendes because we are brothers and indeed two twins and therefore are loath to be parted Fl: Two twins that 's all one come come you shall serue 'am Nan You shall pardon vs sir Enter Flor Sparke Felec Ruffell Piso Knight and Fromaga Flor. I hope you le not condemne me for my loue Sp: I haue no reason Lady Flo I offered you vnaskt Sp: That with a number oft hath bought Flo Partlie they haue and partlie not for I would haue you know my function seldom sels affection what though I haue euill liu'd repentant teares can wash away my sin which I le poore foorth like droppes of winter raine and now hencefoorth euer I le this life abhor and to the earth my knees I le dayly bow to get mercy from heauen loue from you Nan O the deuill take impudencie she courts him Sp. Madam the loue that I may giue you fully doe inioy but I haue sworne with other loue then as a Brother doth a sister neuer to loue any Fel. O sir my fortunes are not fellowes with my birth they make me stoope to base deiected courses but would you loue me I would as swift as thought flie this life and leaue lusts fowlest sinne for fleshlye beastes to sleepe and wallow in Su: Shame to thy sex no more Ruff: Lady in all the honest offices that friendship may commaund commaund me still but yet I haue not seene the face to which I owe so much of loue as may iustly arrest my affections and when I doe I le pay so due a debt without imprisonment Pis: Methinkes yond Lady growes fayrer much then she was wont me thinks her feature mendes her comely gesture much hath drawne my heart to loue her O but shee 's a whore Nan Gentlemen doe you lack a Boy Sp. No Nan O God I am vndone Su: Sir do' y want a Seruant Ruff: No Su: O Lord what shall I doe Pis: What canst doe Na: Any thing that a Boy should doe Kni. Woot dwell with me Su: T is partly as you le vse me Kni: I le vse thee well Su: Well Pis: Tell me are you both content to dwel with vs two Both As please you two Pis. Then thou shalt liue with me Kni. And thou with me Sp: Come Gentlemen will you bee going Both We attend you sir Sp. Ladies our occasions cals vs hence and I am sorrye we must leaue you Exeunt manent Piso and Nan Flo. Gentlemen you all both haue and euer shall bee welcome Pis: Lady I will leaue you much affection more then I thought to lend you but I deale on vse and haue much interest Flei: Caught I hope hold hooke and line hee 's fast by heauen Flo. My Lord what you lend me with much interest shall be repaide Pis. Adew Flo. Fare you well refusd Fel. Contemn'd Flo Disdain'd Fel: Abus'd Flo Adyes Fel, A shall not liue Flor. Disdaine the Daughter of such a Signior Fel, Condemne a Ladie borne sister we are wrong'd Flo But if you le consent I haue a proiect laid that in requitall both of them shall die Fel. You make my soule sweet harmony come le ts about it then Exeunt Finis Act Secundi Actus Tertius scena prima Enter the Ladies each with a Letter and Fleire aside Flo. Are we in priuate Fel, We are Flo Pray Sister what moouing lines of loue has your Knight toucht your affection with Fel. Faith his stile is plaine onely a little courtlike silken phrase it has but I hope your lord hath sent rich words like iewels for your eares against your nuptiall day Flo. Faith a woes with lines that might perswade another thought not mee which I le lend your eyes vpon the like receiued curtesie from you Fel. With all my heart Change Letters Flo. What haue we heere Reade Lady I know the noblenes of your disposition defends you from the least Sparke of basenesse wherefore I inuocate euerie particular vertue of yours to be mediators to your best iudgement for my better estimation in your loue my affection is zealous my intent honorable my desire mariage thus desiring your resolued answere I rest Euer at your disposure lacke Haue-little Knight Vpon my life some friend did pen it for the foole Fel. Let me see what 's this Reade You the vnderstanding spirit of a woman let the splender of your Beautie with some heate of your affection shine vpon the creature that adores yee and with the heauenlye comfort of your loue melt and thaw dispaire from in dying heart which if it liue it liues to loue it dye if it dyes in loue but howsoeuer t is your's t was made for you liues by you and dies without you Yours in the moste affectionate degree of affection Don Piso De Florence Sister vpon my life this is sonne and heire to Duke Piso that now is Flo O would hee were but whosoere he bee a must bee made a match to giue fire to the hell blacke pouder of our reuenge yet your loue the wise Knight and he are two in one there are no such friendes as they Fle. Then let them march both hand in hand in one way Flo Then shall be thus these two being earnest suters for our loues wee le graunt vpon condition that suddenly they murther Sparke and Ruffell but first to take the Sacrament if euer it be knowne as knowne 't will be to keep our names vnspotted in the action this being done Fel. Let them challenge vs wee and our loues are won but say they should reueale vs Flo. O none will breake a Sacrament to heape vp periury on other sinnes when death hel stands gaping for their soules Fel. But say they raile on vs Flo. If they doe t is knowne we lou'd Sparke and Ruffel and men will thinke they kild a'm for our loues since they liu'd in our fauour these in disgrace Fel, I like it well come le ts hasten it For this is euen as true as er'e was text Plots are but dreames vntill they take effects Exeunt Fle. O God I think the path to hell that women tread is broder then the way men goe how they walke by couples to the Deuill Enter Piso. Pis. O that I should loue a whore a very common Cocatrise my thoughts are drown'd in a gulf of sinne shee 's a very Canniball which doth deuoure mans flesh and a Horse-leach that sucks out mens best blouds perfection a very prisoners box that 's ope for euery mans beneuolēce and I am Heire vnto a Duke yet loue her doth any man heere loue a whore I who I I I t is I an