then now I durst not take a pin or a stick though but so big as a straw for my conscience now was sore and would smart at every touch I could not now tell how to speak my words for fear I should mis-place them O how gingerly did I then go in all I did or said I found my self as on a miry bog that shook if I did but stir and as there left both of God and Christ and the Spirit and all good things 70. And though I was thus troubled and tossed and afflicted with the sight and sence and terrour of my own wickedness yet I was afraid to let this sence and sight go quite off my minde for I found that unless guilt of Conscience was taken off the right way that is by the Blood of Christ a man grew rather worse for the loss of his trouble of minde than better Wherefore if my guilt lay hard upon me then I should cry that the Blood of Christ might take it off and if it was going off without it for the sence of sin would be sometimes as if it would die and go quite away then I would also strive to fetch it upon my heart again by bringing the punishment for sin in Hell-fire upon my Spirit and should cry Lord let it not go off my heart but the right way but by the Blood of Christ and by the application of thy mercy thorow him to my Soul for that Scripture lay much upon me Without shedding of Blood there is no Remission Heb. 9.22 And that which made me the more afraid of this was Because I had seen some who though when they were under Wounds of Conscience then they would cry and pray but they seeking rather present Ease from their Trouble then Pardon foâ— their Sin cared not how they lost their guilt 〈◊〉 they got it out of their minde and therefore having got it off the wrong way it was not sanctifieâ— unto them but they grew harder and blinder anâ— more wicked after their trouble This made 〈◊〉 afraid and made me cry to God that it might noâ— be so with me 71. And now was I sorry that God had made mâ— a man for I feared I was a reprobate I counteâ— man as unconverted the most doleful of all thâ— Creatures Thus being afflicted and tossed abouâ— my sad condition I counted my self alone anâ— above the most of men unblest In this conditioâ— I went a great while but when comforting timâ— was come I heard one preach a Sermon upoâ— those words in the Song Song 4.1 Behold thou anâ— fair my Love behold thou art fair but at that timâ— he made these two words My Love his chief anâ— subject matter from which after he had a littlâ— opened the text he observed these several conclusions 1. That the Church and so every saved Soul 〈◊〉 Christs Love when loveless 2. Christs Love without 〈◊〉 cause 3. Christs Love when hated of the world 4. Christs Love when under temptation and under diâ—sertion 5. Christs Love from first to last 72. But I got noâ—hing by what he said at present only when he came to the application of the fourth particular this was the word he said If it be so thâ—â— the saved Soul is Christs Love when under temptatioâ— and dissertion then poor tempted Soul when thou art assaulted and afflâ—cted with temptation and the hidings 〈◊〉 Gods Face yet think on these two words MY LOVE still 73. So as I was a going home these words camâ— again into my thoughts and I well remember aâ— they came in I said thus in my heart What shall I get by thinking on these two words this thought had no sooner passed thorow my heart but the words began thus to kindle in my Spirit Thou art my Love thou art my Love twenty times together and still as they ran thus in my minde they waxed stronger and warmer and began to make me look up but being as yet between hope and fear I still replied in my heart But is it true too but is it true at which that sentence fell in upon me He wist not that it was true which was done unto him of the Angel Act. 12.9 74. Then I began to give place to the Word which with power did over and over make this joyful sound within my Soul Thou art my Love thou art my Love and nothing shall separate thee from my love and with that Rom. 8.39 came into my minde Now was my heart filled full of comfort and hope and now I could believe that my sins should be forgiven me wherefore I said in my Soul with much gladness Well I would I had a pen and ink here I would write this down before I go any further for surely I will not forget this forty years hence but alas within less then forty days I began to question all again 75. Yet still at times I was helped to believe that it was a true manifestation of Grace unto my Soul though I had lost much of the life and savouâ— of it Now about a week or fortnight after this I was much followed by this Scripture Simon Simon behold Satan hath desired to have you Luk. 22.31 and sometimes it would sound so loud within me yea and as it were call so strongly after me that once above all the rest I turned my head over my shoulder thinking verily that some man had behind me called to me being at a great distance 76. But so follish was I and ignorant that I knew not the reason of this sound which as I did both see and feel soon after was sent from heaven as an alarm to awaken me to provide for what was coming onely it would make me muse and wonder in my minde to think what should be the reason that this Scripture and that at this rate so often and so loud should still be sounding and ratling in mine ears But as I said before I soon after perceived the end of God therein 77. For about the space of a month after a very great storm came down upon me which handled me twenty times worse then all I had met with before it came stealing upon me now by one piece then by another first all my comfort was taken from me then darkness seized upon me after which whole flouds of Blasphemies both against God Christ and the Scriptures was poured upon my spirit to my great confusion and astonishment These blasphemous thoughts were such as also stirred up questions in me against the very being of God and of his onely beloved Son as whether there were in truth a God or Christ or no and whether the holy Scriptures were not rather a Fable and cunning Story then the holy and pure Word of God 78. The Tempter also would much assault me with this How can you tell but that the Turkâ— had as good Scriptures to prove their Mahomet the Saviour as we have to prove our Jesus is and could I think that so many ten
I should let them alone because I saw they engendered strife and because I saw that they neither in doing nor in leaving undone did commend us to God to be his besides I saw my Work before me did run in another channel even to carry an awakening-Word to that therefore did I stick and adhere 238. I never endeavoured to nor durst make use of other mens lines Rom. 15.18 though I condemn not all that do for I verily thought and found by expeâ—ience that what was taught me by the Word and Spirit of Christ could be spoken maintained and stood â—o by soundest and best established Conscience and though I will not now speak all that I know in this matter yet my experience hath more interest in that text of Scripture Gal. 1.11 12. than many amongst men are aware 239. If any of those vvho vvere awakened by my Ministery did after that fall back as sometimes too many did I can truly say their loss hath been more to me then if one of my own Children begotten of my body had been going to its grave I think verily I may speak it vvithout an offence to the Lord nothing hath gone so near me as that unless it vvas the fear of the loss of the salvation of my ovvn Soul I have counted as if I had goodly buildings and lordships in those places my Children were born my heart hath been so wrapt up in the gloâ—y of this excellent work that I counted my self more blessed and honored of God by this than if he had made me the Emperour of the Christian World or the Lord of all the glory of Earth without it O tâ—at woâ—d He that converteth a sinner from the error of his way doth save a soul from death 240. I have observed that where I have had a work to do for God I have had first as it were the going of God upon my Spirit to desire I might preach there I have also observed that such and such Souls in particular have been strongly set upon my heart and I stirred up to wish for their Salvation and that these very Souls have after this been given in as the fruits of my Ministry I have also observed that a word cast in by the by hath done more execution in a Seâ—mon then all that was spoken besides someâ—imes also when I have thought I did no good then I did most of all and at other times when I thought I should catch them I have fished for nothing 241. My great desire in my fulfilling my Ministry was to get into the darkest places in the Countrey even amongst those people that were furthest off of profession yet not because I could not endure the light for I feared not to shew my Gospel to any but because I found my spirit did lean most after awakening and conveâ—ting Work and the Word that I carried did lead it self most that way Yea so have I strived to preach the Gospel not where Christ was named lest I should build upon another mans foundation Rom. 15.20 242. In my preaching I have really been in pain and have as it were travelled to bâ—ing forth Children to God neither could I be satisfied unless some fruits did appear in my work if I were fruitless it matter'd nor who commended me but if I were fruitful I cared not who did condemn I have thought of that He that winneth souls is wise Pro. 11.30 and again Lo Children are an heritage of the Lord and the fruit of the Womb is his Reward as arrows in the hand of a mighty man so are Children of the youth happy is the man that hath filled his quiver with them they shall not be ashamed but they shall speak with the Enemies in the gate Psal. 127.3 4 5. 243. But in this work as in all other I had my temptations attending me and that of diveâ—s kinâ—s as sometimes I should be assaulted with great discouragement therein fearing that I should not be able to speak the Woâ—d at all to edification nay that I should not be able to speak sence unto the people at which times I should have such a strange taintness and strengthlesness seiz upon my body that my legs have scarce been able to carry me to the place of Exercise 244. Sometimes again when I have been preaching I have bin violently assaulted with thoughts of blasphemy and stâ—ongly tempted to speak them with my mouth before the Congregation I have also at some times even when I have begun to speak the Word with much clearness evidence and liberty of speech yet been before the ending of that Opportunity so blinded and so estranged from the things I have been speaking and have also bin so straitned in my speech as to utterance before the people that I have been as if had not known or remembred what I have been about or as if my head had been in a bag all the time of the exercise 245. Again When at sometimes I have been about to preah upon some smart and scorching portion of the Word I have found the tempter suggest What! will you preach this this condemns your self of this your own Soul is guilty wherefore preach not of it at all or if you do yet so mince it as to make way for your own escape â—est instead of awakening others you lay that guilt upon your own soul as you will never get from under 246. I have also while found in this blessed work of Christ been often tempted to pride and liftings up of heart and though I dare not say I have not been infected with this yet truly the Lord of his precious mercy hath so carried it towards me that for the most part I have had but small joy to give way to such a thing for it hath been my every-days portion to be let into the evil of my own heart and still made to see such a multitude of corruptions and infirmities therein that it hath caused hanging down of the head under all my Gifts and Attainments I have felt this thorn in the flesh 2 Cor. 12.8 9. the veâ—y mercy of God to me 247. I have had also together with this some notable place or other of the Word presented before me which word haâ—h contained in it some sharp and piercing sentence concerning the perishing of the Soul notwithstanding gifts and parts as for instance that hath been of great use unto me Though I speak with the tongue of men and angels and have not charity I am become as sounding-brass and a tinkling cymbal 1 Cor. 13.1 2. 248. A tinkling Cymbal is an instrument of Musick with which a skilful plaâ—er can make such melodious and heart-inflaming Musick that all who hear him play can scaâ—cely hold from dancing and yet behold the Cymbal hath not life neither comes the musick fâ—om it but because of the art of him that playeâ— theâ—ewith so then the instrument at last may come to noughâ— and perish though in times past such musâ—ck
and The Practice of Piety which her Father had left heâ— when he died In these two Books I should sometimes read with her wherein I also found somâ— things that were somewhat pleasing to me buâ— all this while I met with no conviction She alsâ— would be often telling of me what a godly man heâ— Fatâ—er was and how he would reprove and correct Vice both in his house and amongst his neighbours what a strict and holy life he lived in his day both in word and deed 12. Wherefore these books with this relation though they did not reach my heart to awaken it about my sad and sinful state yet they did beget within me some desires to Religion so that because I knew no better I fell in very eagerly with the Religion of the times to wit to go to Church twice a day and that too with the foremost and there should very devoutly both say and sing as others did yet retaining my wicked life but withal I was so over-run with a spirit of superstition that I adored and that with great devotion even all things both the High-place Priest Clerk Vestments Service and what else belonging to the Church counting all things holy that were therein contained and especially the Priest and Clerk most happy and without doubt greatly blessed because they were the Servants as I then thought of God and were principal in the holy Temple to do his work therein 13. This conceit grew so strong in little time upon my spirit that had I but seen a Priest though never so sordid and debauched in his life I should find my spirit fall under him reverence him and knit unto him yea I thought for the love I did bear unto them supposing they were the Ministers of my God I could have layn down at their feet and have been trampled upon by them their Name their Garb and Work did so intoxicate and bewitch me 14. After I had been thus for some considerable time another thought came into my mind and that was Whether we were of the Israelites or no for finding in the Scriptures that they were once the peculiar People of God thought I if I were one of this race my Soul must needs be happy Now again I found within me a great longing to be resolved about this question but could not tell how I should at last I asked my father of it who told me No we were not wherefore then I fell in my spirit as to the hopes of that and so remained 15. But all this while I was not sensible of the danger and evil of sin I was kept from considering that sin would damn me what Religion soever I followed unleâ—s I was found in Christ nay I never thought of him nor whether there was one or no. Thus man while blind doth wander but wearieth himâ—elf with vanity for he knoweth not the way to the City of God Eccles. 10.15 16. But one day amongst all the Sermons our Parson made his subject was to treat of the Sabbath day and of the evil of breaking that either with labour sports or otherwise now I was one that took much delight in all manner of vice and especially that was the Day that I did solace my self therewith Wherefore I fell in my conscience under his Sermon thinking and believing that he made that Sermon on purpose to shew me my evil-doing and at that time I felt what guilt was though never before that I can remember but then I was for the present greatly loaden therewith and so went home when the Sermon was ended with a great burden on my spirit 17. This for that instant did cut the sinews of my delights and did imbitter my former pleasures to me but behold it lasted not for before I had well dined the trouble began to go off my minde and my heart returned to its old course but Oh how glad was I that this trouble was gone from me and that the fire was put out Wherefore when I had satâ—sfied nature with my food I shook the Sermon out my mind and to my old customâ— of sports and gaming I returned with great delight 18. But the same day as I was in the midst of a game at Cat and having struck it one blow from the hole just as I was about to strike it the second time a voice did suddenly dart from Heaven into my Soul which said Wilt thou leave thy sins and go to Heaven or have thy sins and go to Hell At this I was put to an exceeding maze wherefore leaving my Cat upon the ground I looked up to Heaven and was as if I had with the eyes of my understanding seen the Lord Jesus looking down upon me as being very hotly displeased with me and as if he did severely threaten me with some grievous punishment for these and other my ungodly practices 19. I had no sooner thus conceived in my mind but suddenly this conclusion was fastned on my spirit for the former hint did set my sins again before my face That I had been a great and grievous Sinner and that it was now too too late for me to look after Heaâ—â—n for Christ would not forgive me nor pardon my transgressions Then I fell to musing upon this also and while I was thinking on it and fearing lest it should be so I felt my heart sink in despair concluding it was too late and therefore I resolved in my mind I would go on in sin for thought I if the case be thus my state is surely miserable miserable if I leave my sins and but miserable if I follow them I can but be damned and if it must be so I had as good be damned for many sins as to be damned for few 20. Thus I stood in the midst of my play before â—ll that then were present but yet I told them â—othing but I say I having made this conclusion â— returned to my spoâ—t again and I well rememâ—er that presently this kind of despair did so possess my Soul that I was perswaded I could never â—ttain to other comfort then what I should get in sin for Heaven was gone already so that on that I must not think wherefore I found within me a great desire to take my fill of sin still studdying what sin was yet to be committed that I might taste the sweetness of it and I made as much haste as I could to fill my belly with its delicates lest I should die before I had my desire for that I seared greatly In these things I protest before God I lyâ— not neither do I feign this form of speech these were really strongly and with all my heart my desires the good Lord whose mercy is unsearchable forgive me my transgressions 21. And I am very confident that this temptation of the Devil is more usual amongst poor creatures then many are aware of even to over-run theiâ— spirits with a scurvie and seared frame of heart and benumming of conscience
me I could have enlarged much in this my discourse of my temptations and troubles for sin as also of the merciful kindness and working of God with my Soul I could also have stept into a stile much higher then this in which I have here discoursed and could have adorned all things more theâ— here I have seemed to do but I dare not God did not play in convincing of me the Devil did not play in tempting of me neither did I play when I sunk as into a bottomless pit when the pangs of hell caught hold upon me wherefore I may not play in my relating of them but be plain and simple and lay down the thing as iâ— was He that liketh it let him receive it and he that does not let him produce a better Farewel My dear Children The Milk and Honey is beyond this Wilderness God be merciful to you and grant you be not slothful to go in to possesâ— the Land Jo. Bunyan GRACE Abounding to the chief of Sinners OR A Brief Relation Of the exceeding mercy of God in Christ to his poor Servant John Bunyan IN this my relation of the merciful working of God upon my Soul it will not be amiss if in the first place I do in a few words give you a hint of my pedegree and manner of bringing up that thereby the goodness and bounty of God towards me â—ay be the more advanced and magnified before â—he sons of men 2. For my descent then it was as is well known â—y many of a low and inconsiderable generation â—y fathers house being of that rank that is meanâ—st and most despised of all the families in the â—and Wherefore I have not here as others to boast of Noble blood or of a High-born state according to the flesh though all things considered I magnifie the Heavenly Majesty for that by thiâ— door he brought me into this world to partake oâ— the Grace and Life that is in Christ by the Gospel 3. But yet notwithstanding the meanness and inconsiderableness of my Parents it pleased God to put it into their heart to put me to School to learn both to Read and Write the which I also attained according to the rate of other poor mens children though to my shame I conâ—ess I did sooâ— loose that little I learnt and that even almost utterly and that long before the Lord did work hiâ— gracious work of conversion upon my Soul 4. As for my own natural life for the time that I was without God in the world it was indeed accoâ—ding to the course of this world and the spirit that now worketh in the children of disobedience it was my delight to be taken captive by the Devil at his will being filled with all unrighteousness the which did also so strongly work and put forth it self both in my heart and life and thaâ— fâ—om a childe that I had but few Equals especially considering my yeaâ—s which were tender being few both for cuâ—sing swearing lying and blaspheming the holy Name of God 5. Yea so setled and rooted was I in thesâ— things that they became as a second Nature to me the which as I also have with soberness considered since did so offend the Lord that even iâ— my childhood he did scare and affright me witâ— fearful dreams and did terrifie me with dreadfuâ— visions For often after I had spent this and thâ— other day in sin I have in my bed been greatly aâ—flicted while asleep with the apprehensions oâ— Devils and wicked spirits who still as I theâ— thought laboured to draw me away with them of which I could never be rid Also I should at â—hese years be gâ—eatly afflicted and troubled with â—he thoughts of the day of Judgement and that â—oth night and day and should tremble at the â—houghts of the fearful torments of Hell-fire still â—earing that it would be my lot to be found at last â—mongst those Devils and Hellish Fiends who are â—here bound down with the chains and bonds of eternal daâ—knâ—ss 6. These things I say when I was but a childe did so distress my Soul that when in the midst of my many sports and childish vanities amidst my â—ain companions I was often much cast down and afflicted in my mind therewith yet could I not let go my sins yea I was so overcome with despair of life and heaven that then I should often wish either that there had been no Hell or that I had been a Devil supposing they were onely tormentors that if it must needs be that I indeed went thither I might be rather a tormentor then â—ormented my self 7. A while after these terrible dreams did leave me which also I soon forgot for my pleasures did quickly cut off the remembrance of them as if they had never been wherefore with more greediness according to the strength of Nature I did still let loose the reins to my lusts and delighted in all â—ransgression against the Law of God so that until â— came to the state of marriage I was the very ring-â—eader of all the Youth that kept me company inâ—o all manner of vice and ungodliness 8. Yea such prevalency had the lusts and fruits of the flesh in this poor Soul of mine that had not â— miracle of precious grace prevented I had not onely perished by the stroke of eternal Justice but â—ad also laid my self open even to the stroke of those â—aws which bring some to disgrace and open shame before the face of the woâ—ld 9. In these days the thoughts of Religion waâ— very grievous to me I could neither endure it mâ— self nor that any other should so that when I havâ— but seen some read in those books that concerned Chistian piety it would be as it weâ—e a pâ—ison to me Tâ—en I said unto God Depart from me for I desire not the knowledge of thy ways Job 21.14 15. 〈◊〉 was now void of all good consideration Heaveâ— and Hell were both out of sight and minde anâ— as for Saving and Damning they were least in my thoughts O Lord thou knowest my life and my wayâ— were not hid fâ—om thee 10. Yet this I well remember that though 〈◊〉 could my self sin with greatest delight and ease and also take pleasure in the vileness of my companions yet even then if I have at any time seen wicked things by those that professed goodness iâ— would make my spirit tremble As once above alâ— the rest when I was in my heighth of vanity yeâ— hearing one to swear that was reckoned for a relious man it had so great a stroke upon my spirit as it made my heart to ake 11. Presently after this I changed my condition into a married state and my mercy was to lighâ— upon a Wife whose Father was counted godly this Woman and I though we came together aâ— poor as poor might be not having so much as a Dish or Spoon betwixt us both yet this she had for her part The Plain Mans Path-way to Heaven
transgressions and as a cloud thy sins Return unto me fâ—r I have redeemed thee Isa. 44.22 but I could not return but fled though at some times it cried Return as if it did hollow after me for I feared to close in therewith lest it should not come from God for that other was still sounding in my conscience For you know how that afterwards when he would have inherited the Blessiâ—g he was rejected c. 132. All this while my life hung in doubt before me not knowing which way I should tip onely this I found my Soul desire even to cast it self at the foot of Grace by Prâ—yer and Supplication But O 't was hard for me to bear the face to pray to this Christ for mercie against whom I had thus most vilely sinned yet I knew this must be the way for mercy was no where else 133. Which when the Tempteâ— perceived he strongly suggested to me That I ought not to pray to God for Prayer was not for any in my case neither could it do me good because I had â—ejected the Mediator by whom all Prayers came with acceptance to God the Father and without whom no Prayer could come into his presence wheâ—efore now to pray is but to adde sin to sin yea now to pray seeing God hath cast you off is the next way to anger and offâ—nd him more then ever you did before 134. For God said he hath been weary of you for these several years already because you aâ—e none of his you bauling in his ears hath been no pleâ—sant voice to him and therefore he let you sin this sin that you might be quite cut off and will you pray still This the Devil urged and set forth by that in Numbers which Moses said to the Children of Israel That because they would not go up to possess the Land when God would have them therefore for ever after he did bar them out from thence though they prayed they might with tears Numb 14.36 37 c. 135. As 't is said in another place Exod. 21.14 The man that sins presumptuosly shall be taken from Gods Altar that he may die Even as Joab was by King Solomon when he thought to find shelter there 1 King 2.27 28 c. These places did pinch me very sore yet my case being desperate I thought with my self I can but die and if it must be so it shall once be said That such a one died at the foot of Christ in Prayer this I did but with great difficulty God doth know for still that saying about Esau would be set at my heart even like a flaming sword to keep the way of the tree of Life lest I should take thereof and live O who knows how hard a thing I found it to come to God in prayer 136. I did also desire the Prayers of the People of God for me but I feared that God would give them no heart to do it yea I trembled in my Soul to think that some or other of them shortly would tell me that God had said those words to â—hem that he once did say to the Prophet concerning the Children of Israel Pray not for this People for I have rejected them Jer. 11.14 So Pray not for him for I have rejected him Yea I thought that he had whispered this to some of them alâ—eady onely they durst not tell me so neither durst I ask them of it for fear if it should be so it would make me quite besides my self Man knows the beginning of sin said Spira but who bounds the issue 's thereof 137. Now also did the Tempter begin to mock me in my misery saying That seeing I had thus parted with the Lord Jesus and provoked him to displeasure who should have stood between my Soul and the flame of devouring fire the way was now but one and that was to pray that God the Father would be the Mediator betwixt his Son and me that we might be reconciled again and that I might have that blessed benefit in him that his blessed Saints enjoyed 138. Then did that Scripture seize upon my Soul He is of one mind and who can turn him Oh I saw 't was as easie to perswade him to make a new world a new Covenant or new Bible besides that we have already as to pray for such a thing this was to perswade him that what he had done already was meer folly and to perswade with him to alter yea to disanul the whole way of salvation and then would that saying rent my Soul asunder Neither is there salvation in any other for there is none other Name under heaven given amongst men whereby we must be saved Act. 4.12 139. Now the most free and full and gracious words of the Gospel were the greatest torment to me yea nothing so afflicted me as the thoughts of Jesus Christ for the remembrance of a Saviour because I had cast him off brought both the villany of my sin and my loss by it to mind O 't is sad to be destroyed by the grace and mercy of God to have the Lamb the Saviour turn Lyon and Destroyer Rev. 6. I also trembled at the sight of the Saints of God especially at those that greatly loved him and that made it their business to walk continually with him in this world for they did both in their words their carriages and all their expressions of tenderness and fear to sin against their precious Saviour condemn lay guilt upon and also add continual affliction and shame unâ—o my Soul 140. Now also the Tempter began afresh to mock my Soul saying That Christ indeed did pity my case and was sorry for my loss but for as much as I had sinned and transgressed as I had done he could by no means help me nor save me from what I feared for my sin was not of the nature of theirs for whom he bled and died neither was it counted with those that were laid to his charge when he hanged on the tree therefore unless he should come down from Heaven and die anew for this sin though indeed he did greatly pity me yet I could have no benefit of him 141. But O how this would add to my affliction to conceit that I should be guilty of such a sin for which he did not die These thoughts would so confound me and imprison me and tie me up from Faith that I knew not what to do but Oh thought I that he would come down again O that the work of Mans Redemption was yet to be done by Christ how would I pray him and intreat him to count and reckon this sin amongst the rest for which he died But that would strike me down Christ being raised from the dead dieth no more Death hath no more Dâ—minion over him Rom. 6.9 142. Thus was I always sinking whatever I did think or do So one day I walked to a Neighbouring Town and sate down upon a Settle in the Street and fell into a
by Christ I was as if my Ioyns were broken or as if my hands and feet had been tied or bound with chains At this time also I felt some weakness to seiz my outward man which made still the other affliction the more heavy and uncomfortable 215. Afrer I had been in this condition some three or four days as I was sitting by the fire I suddenly felt this word to sound in my heart I must go to Jesus at this my former darkness and atheism fled away and the blessed things of heaven were set within my view while I was on this sudden thus overtaken with surprize Wife said I is there ever a such Scripture I must go to Jesus she said she could not tell therefore I sat musing still to see if I could remember such a place I had not sat above two or three minutes but that came bolting in upon me And to an innumerable company of Angels and withall Hebrews the twelfth about the mount Zion was set before mine eyes 216. Then with joy I told my Wife O now I know I know but that night was a good night to me I never had but few better I longed for the company of some of Gods people that I might have imparted unto them what God had shewed me Christ vvas a precious Christ to my Soul that night I could scarce lie in my Bed for joy and peace and triumph thorow Christ this great glory did not continue upon me until morning yet that twelfth of the Author to the Hâ—brews Heb. 12.21 22 23. was a blessed Scripture to me for many days together after this 217. The words are these You are come to mount Zion to the City of the living God to the heavenly Jerusalem and to an innumerable company of Angels to the general assembly and Church of the first-born which are written in heaven to God the Judge of all and to the spirits of just men made perfect and to Jesus the Mediator of the New Testament and to the blood of sprinkling that speaketh better things than that of Abel Thorow this blessed Sentence the Lord led me over and over first to this word and then to that and shewed me wonderful glory in every one of them These words also have oft â—â—nce this time been great refreshment to my Spirit Blessed be God for having mercy on me A brief Account of the Authors Call to the Work of the Ministery 218. ANd now I am speaking my Experience I will in this place thrust in a word or two concerning my preaching the Word and of Gods dealing with me in that particular also For after I had been about five oâ— six years awakened and helped to see both the want and worth of Jesus Christ our Lord and inabled to venture my Soul upon him some of the most able among the Saints with us I say the most able for Judgement and holiness of Life as they conceived did peâ—ceive that God had counted me worthy to understand something of his Will in his holy and blessed Word and had given me utteâ—ance in some measure to express what I saw to others for edification they desired me and tâ—at with much earnestness that I would be willing at sometime to take in hand in one of the Meetings to speak a word of Exhortation unto them 219. The which though at the first it did much dash and abash my spirit yet being still by them desired and intreated I consented to their requesâ— and did twice at two several Assemblies but in private though with much weakness and infirmity discover my Gift amongst them at which they not onely seemed to be but did solemnly protest as in the sight of the great God they were both affected and comforted and gave thanks to the Father of Mercies for the grace bestowed on me 220. After this sometimes when some of them did go into the Countâ—ey to teach tâ—ey would also that I should go with them where though as yet I did not nor durst not make use of my Gift in an open way yet moâ—e privately still as I came amongst the good People in those places I did sometimes speak a word of Admonition unto them also the which they as the other received with rejoycing at the mercy of God to me-ward professing their Souls were edified thereby 221. Wherefore to be brief at last being still desired by the Church after some solemn prayer to the Lord with fasting I was more particularly called forth and appointed to a more ordinary and publick preaching the Word not onely to and amongst them that believed but also to offer the Gospel â—o those that had not yet â—eceived the faith thereof about which time I did evidently find in my mind a secret pricking forwaâ—d thereto tho I bless God not for desire of vain glory for at that time I was most sorely afflicted with â—he firy darts of the devil concerning my eternal state 222. But yet could not be content unless I was found in the exercise of my Gift unto which also I was gâ—eatly animated not onely by the continual desires of the Godly but also by that saying of Paul to the Corinthians I beseech you Brethren ye know the houshold of Stephanas that it is the firsâ— fruits of Achaia and that they have addicted themselves to the ministery of the Saints that you submit your selves unto such and to every one that helpeth with us and laboureth 1 Cor. 16.15 16. 223. By this Text I was made to see that the holy Ghost never intended that men who have Gifts and Abilities should bury them in the earth but rather did command and stir up such to the exercise of their gift and also did commend those that were apt and ready so to do they have addicted themselves to the ministery of the Saints this Scripture in these days did continually run in my mind to incourage me and strengthen me in this my work foâ— God I have been also incouraged from several other Scriptures and examples of the Godly both specified in the Word and other ancient Histories Act. 8.4 18·24 25 c. 1 Pet. 4.10 Rom. 12.6 Fox Acts and Mon. 224. Wherefore though of my self of all the Saints the most unworthy yet I but with great fear and trembling at the sight of my own weakness did set upon the work and did according to my Gift and the proportion of my Faith preach that blessed Gospel that God had shewed me in the holy Word of truth which when the Countrey undeâ—stood they came in to hear the Word by hundreds and that from all parts though upon sundry and divers accounts 225. And I thank God he gave unto me some measure of bowâ—ls and pity for their Souls which also did put me forward to labour with great diligence and earnestness to find out such a Word as might if God vvould bless lay hold of and awaken the Conscience in which also the good Lord had respect to the desire of his
Servant for I had not preached long before some began to be touched by the Word and to be greatly afflicted in their minds at the apprehension of the greatness of their sin and of tâ—eir need of Jesus Christ. 226. But I at first could not believe that God should speak by me to the heart of any man still counting my self unworthy yet those who thus were touched vvould love me and have a peculiar respect for me and though I did put it from me that they should be awakened by me still they would confess it and affirm it before the Saints of God they would also bless God for me unvvorthy Wretch that I am aâ—d count me Gods Instrument that shevved to them the Way of Salvation 227. Wherefore seeing them in both their words and deeds to be so constant also in their hearts so earnestly pressing after the knowledge of Jesus Christ rejoycing that ever God did send me where they were then I began to conclude it might be so that God had owned in his Work such a foolish one as I and then came that Word of God to my heart with much sweet refreshment The blessing of them that were ready to perish is come upon me yea I caused the widows heart to sing for joy Job 29.13 228. At this therefore I rejoyced yea the tears of those whom God did awaken by my preaching would be both solace and encouragement to me for I thought on those Sayings Who is he that maketh me glad but the same that is made sorry by me 2 Cor. 2.2 and again Though I be not an Apostle to others yet doubtless I am unto you for the seal of my Apostleship are ye in the Lord 1 Cor. 9.2 These things therefore were as another argument unto me that God had called me to and stood by me in this Work 229. In my preaching of the Word I took special notice of this one thing namely That the Lord did lead me to begin where his Word begins with Sinners that is to condemn all flesh and to open and alledge that the curse of God by the Law doth belong to and lay hold on all men as they come into the World because of sin Now this part of my work I fulfilled with great sence for the terrours of the Law and guilt for my transgressions lay heavy on my Conscience I preached what I felt what I smartingly did feel even that under which my poor Soul did groan and tâ—emble to astonishment 230. Indeed I have been as one sent to them from the dead I went my self in chains to preach to them in chains and carried that fire in my own conscience that I perswaded them to beware of I can truly say and that without dissembling that when I have been to preach I have gone full of guilt and terrour even to the Pulpit-Door and there it hath been taken off and I have been at liberty in my mind until I have done my work and then immediately even before I could get down the Pulpit-Stairs have been as bad as I was before Yet God carried me on but surely with a strong hand for neither guilt nor hell could take me off my Work 231. Thus I went for the space of two years crying out against mens sins and their feaâ—ful state because of them After which the Lord came in upon my own Soul with some staid peace and comfort thorow Christ for he did give me many sweet discoveries of his blessed Grace thorow him wherefore now I altered in my preaching for still I preached what I saw felt now therefore I did much labour to hold forth Jesus Christ in all his Offices Relations and Beâ—efits unto the World and did strive also to discover to condemn and remove those false supports and props on which the World doth both lean and by them fall and perish On these things also I staid as long as on the other 232. After this God led me into something of the mystery of union with Christ wherefore that I discovered and shewed to them also And when I had travelled thorow these three chief points of the Word of God about the space of five years or more I was caught in my present practice and câ—st into Prison where I have lain as long to confirm tâ—e Tâ—uth by way of Suffering as I vvas before in testifying of it according to the Scriptures in a vvay of Preaching 233. When I have been in preaching I thank God my heart hath often all the time of this anâ— the other exercise with great earnestness cried to God that he would make the Word effectual to the salvation of the Soul still being grieved lest the Enemy would take the Word away from the Conscience and so it should become unfruitful Wherefore I should labour so to speak the Word as that thereby if it were possible the sin and perâ—on guilty might be particularized by it 234. Also when I have done the Exercise it hath gone to my heart to think the word should now fall as rain on stony places still wishing from my heart O thaâ— they who have heard me speak this day did but see as I do what sin death hell and the curse of God is and also what the grace and love and mercy of God is thorow Christ to men in such a case as they are who are yet estranged from him and indeed I did often say in my heart before the Lord That if to be hanged up presently before their eyes would be a means to awaken them and confirm them in the truth I gladly should be contented 235. For I have been in my preaching especially when I have been engaged in the Doctrine of Life by Christ withouâ— Works as if an Angel of God had stood by at my back to encourage me O it hath been with such poweâ— and heavenly evidence upon my own Soul while I have been labouring to unfold it to demonstrate it and to fasten it upon the Conscience of others that I could not â—e contented with saying I believe and am sure methought I was more then sure if it be lawful so to express my self that those things which then I asserted were true 236. When I went first to preach the Word abroad the Doctors and Priests of the Countrey did open wide against me but I was perswaded of this not to render rayling for rayling but to see how many of their carnal Professors I could convince of their miserable state by the Law and of the want and worth of Christ for thought I This shall answer for me in time to come when they shall be for my hire before their face Gen. 30.33 237. I never cared to meddle with things that were controverted and in dispute amongst the Saints especially things of the lowest nature yet it pleased me much to contend with great earnestness for the Word of Faith and the remission of sins by the Death and Sufferings of Jesus but I say as to other things
269. But yet all the things of God were kept out of my sight and still the tempter followed me with But whithâ—r must you go when you die what will become of you whâ—re will you be found in â—nother world what evidence have you for heaven and gloâ—y and an inheritance aâ—ong them that are sanctified Thus was I tossed for manie weeks and knew not what to do at last this consideration fell with weight upon me That it was for the Word and Way of Gâ—d that I was in this condition wherefore I was ingaged nor to flinch a hairs bredth from it 270 I thought also that God might chuse whether he would give me comfort now or at the hour of death but I might not therefore chuse whetheâ— I would hold my profession or no I was bound but he was free yea t was my dutie to stand to his Word whether he would ever look upon me or no or save me aâ— the last Wherefore thought I the point being thus I am for going on and venturing my eternal state with Christ whether I have comfort here or no if God doth not come in thought I I will leap off the Ladder even blindfold into â—ternitie sinâ— or swim come heaven come hell Lord Jesus if thou wilt catch me do I vvill venture for thy Name 271. I was no sooâ—er fixed upon this resolution But that Word dropt upon me Doth Job serve God for no â—ight as if the accuser had said Lord Job is no upright man he serves thee for by respects hast thou not made a hedge about him c. but put forth now thy hand and touch all that he hath â—nd he will curse thee to thy face How now thoughtâ— is this the sign of an upright Souâ— to desire to serve God when all is taken from him is he a goâ—lie man that vvill serve God for nothing raâ—her then give out blessed be God then I hope I have aâ— upright heart for I am resolved God give me strength neveâ— to denie my profession though I have nothing at all for my pains anâ— as I was thus considering that Scripture was set before me Psa. 44.12 c. 272. Novv vvas my heart full of comfort for I hoped it vvâ—s sincere I vvould not have been vvithout this trial for much I am comforted everie time I think of it and I hope shall bless God for ever for the teaching I have had by it Many more of the Dealings of God tovvards me I might relate but these out of the spoils vvoâ— in Battel have I dedicated to maintain the House of God 1 Chron. 26.27 The CONCLUSION 1. OF all the Temptations that ever I met with in my life to question the being and truth of the Goâ—spel iâ— the worst and worst to be born when this temptation comes it takes away my girdle from me and removeth thâ—â—oundation from under me O I have often thought of that word Have your loynâ— girt about with truth and of that When the foundations are destroyed what can the Righteous do 2. I have wondered much at this one thing that though God doth â—isit my Soul with never so blessed a discoverie of himself yet I 〈◊〉 found again that such hours have attended me afterwards that I have been in my spirit so filled with darkness that I could not so much as once conceive what that God and that comfoâ—t was with which I have been refreshed 3. I have sometimes seeâ— more in a line of the Bible then I could vvell tell hovv to stand under yet at another time the vvhole Bible hath been to me as drie as a stick or ratâ—er my heart hath been so dead and drie unto it that I could not conceive the least dram of refreshment though I have lookt it over 4. Of all tears theâ— are the best that are made by the Blood of Christ and of all joy that is the sweetest that is mixt with mourning over Chriâ—â— O t is a goodly thing to be on our knees with Châ—ist in our arms before God I hope I know something of these things 5. I find to thâ—s day seven abominations in my heart 1. In clinings to unbelief 2. Suddenlie to forget the loâ—e and mercie that Christ manifesteth 3. A leaning to the Works of the Law 4. Wandrings and coldness n prayer 5. To forget to watch for that I pray for 6. apt to murmur bâ—cause I have no more and yet readie to abuse what I have 7 I can do none of thâ—se things which God commands me but my corruptions will thrust in themselves When I would do good evil is present with me 6. These things I continuallie see and feel and am afflâ—cted and oppressed with yet the Wisdom of God doâ—h order theâ— for my good 1. They make me abhor my self 2. They keep me from trusting my heart 3. They convince me of the insufficiencie of all inherent righteousness 4. They shew me the necessity of fleeing to Jesus 5. They presâ— me to pray unto God 6. They shew me the need â— have to watch and be sober 7. And provoke me to look to God thorow Christ to help me and carry me thorow this world Amen FINIS