retire my self often to enjoy communion with God In which retirement when some observed me they did commend me others reproached me and said I grew bookish One called me Hypocrite and said A young Saint would be an old Devil Such words troubled me greatly all the while I was in doubt of mine own condition as to my being in Christ And the party that spake them was an eminent instrument in the hand of the Devil to distress and discompose me But after I received from the Lord some tastes and evidences of his Love those revilings and hard speeches comforted me for I esteemed it my Glory to suffer shame for his Names sake By this time finding the place where I lived in reference to Religion without means of light and as the fruit of it exceedingly sinful and prophane men and women generally wallowing in brutish Iusts I grew extream weary of living in it ' and thereupon sought God in Prayer earnestly to find a way of removing me where I might have better example better teaching better helps and advantages of perfeâ—cting what he had graciously begun in me having had my soul often vexed by hearing and seeing as Lot's was In this after a short time God answered me inclining the hearts of my Parents to send me to London and placed me for a while with some Friends in and near that City This change of place and newness of acquaintance produced new temptations For though the Seed of God abiding in me kept in me some tenderness of spirit yet many worldly diversions from my former and more constant fellowship with God brought me into a very drowsie temper I lived with Professors of Religion but found not the power of Christian Principles acting in them especially some of them though from others I had help and encouragement But some were so choaked with worldly cares and drowned in carnal groundless jealousies as they became burthensome and uncomfortable to themselves and those that conversed with them especially if they had dependance on them as I had Nevertheless he that bringeth Good out of Evil and whose Covenant is That all things shall work together for good to them that love Him made use of that unacceptable quality to awaken me and cause me to reflect upon my declinings God is a jealous God and will suffer no corrival or competitor in the hearts of his Children Thereupon to chasten me for suffering my soul to wander after and clâ—â—ve to worldly delights and expâ—ctations he left a Person of Qâ—â—lity with whom I â—ived undâ—r the dominion of an infirmity very natural to her and very sinful the Gâ—d of Mâ—rcy convince her of it and reform her gâ—ouâ—dlâ—s Jeasousie An appâ—â—hension possest hâ—r oâ— reason of it thaâ— I had an uâ—worâ—hy dâ—sign upon her and as untrue as it was it put her and she me by reason of it into a very great discomposure This pâ—ssâ—ge I should altogether omâ—t if I could make the story of God's dealing with me in this case perfect without it nor are such things to he slighted For Hâ— without whose providence a Sparow falleth not to the ground and by whom the haires of our head are numbered must be eyed and acknowledged in all his wayes The Children of Jacob must learn of their Father to see the Face of God in a very Esau Now being much burthen dâ—undâ—r the Oppression of the foresaid fâ—lsâ— imagination I had according to my former course recourse to God who seasonably and very effectually presented to my mind many passages of Scripture by which I was in some meâ—sure recovered from my backsliding for a bâ—tter namâ— I do not know it by Sâ—me of which were these Rom. 8. 28. For wâ— know that all things work together for good to them that love God Another was Psâ—l 139. 13. Sâ—arch me O God and know my bâ—arâ— try me and know my thoughts and see of there be any wicked way in me and lead me in the Way everlasting This I made use on when the fear of an hypocritical state was upon me occasionned by my late decays Let this suffiâ—e briesly to point at what they were how they came and what means God applyed to recover me After these things the whole life of one in Christ being a warfare I met with many conflicts and still the most constant one was about my Soul staâ—c whether in Christ or not in Christ reconciled to God by his Blood or not reconcâ—led and thorow the remnant of Corruption I am not altogether delivered from this temptation at this very time I received much establishment at one time from Isa 27. 5. Let him take hold of my strength that he may make peace with me and he shall make peace with me At another time hearing this Scripture read Psal 25. 10. All the Paths of the Lord are Mercy and Truth to such as keep his Covenants and his Testimonies I was assisted to have very comfortable reflections upon it By the Paths of the Lord I understood his providential Disspensations wherein he walks as men do in a path to an intended end which is the accomplishment of his Glory in bringing the Seed of Christ to Glory Now though the Paths are exceeding various Sometimes God lifts his People up sometimes he casts them down sometimes he gives them victory over sin Satan and themselves sometimes he leaves them to be led captive and then enlarges them out of that Bondage for the most part by Afflictions One while he tryes their Grace and gives them the sense and comfort of it another while he chastens Disobedience and gives them the fruit of that in mortification But let the Paths of God be never so many and seem to lye never so cross as Road-wayes over a Champion yet are they all Mercy even to those that taste most Severity and Truth yea though they seem contrary to his Promise to them that keep his Covenant and his Testimonies So that in the way of obedience to his Testimonies and cleaving to his Covenant I was assured all his Paths to me would be Mercy and Truth Isa 3. 12. Go and proclaim these words towards the North and say Return thou back sliding Israel saith the Lord and I will not cause mine Anger to fall upon thee For I am Merciful saith the Lord and I will not keep mine Anger for ever only acknowledge thine iniquity that thou hast transgressed against the Lord thy God Every thing in this Text comforted me First that God exprest his forwardness to receive wandering sinners by sending forth a Proclamation to invite their return Go and proclaim saith he Then that this was directed to the worst sort of sinners Backsliders The Backslider seemes to tell the World that upon his particular experience there is nothing worth enjoying in the Wayes of God and this is the worst reflection upon them than can be None so bad as false friends Traytors in a Court the worst Traitors Backsliding Israel notwithstanding is called upon
to return This I looked upon as an evil to which I was very prone even to grow weary of the strict wayes of God I will not cause mine Anger to fall upon thee And again I am Merciful and will not keep mine Anger for ever I was convinced that I did deserve present wrath and eternal wrath did not Mercy thus step in The last thing is direction to a duty wherein to expect the dispensation of mercy acknowledge thine iniquity that thou hast transgressed which requires not an empty heartless verbal Confession but Confession with hatred of sin Faith in the pardon of it and endeavour to reform it Psal 103. 8 9. The Lord is merciful and gracious slâ—w to anger and plenteous in Mercy He will not alwayes chide neither will he keep his Anger for ever This place supported my Faith under the consideration of my merrit which was Wrath from God whereto he declares himself slow and also it ministred hope to me of deliverance from those corrective Effects of God's displeasure against sin in me which he out of love laid upon me Isa 41. 10. Fear not for I am with thee be not dismaied for I am thy God I will strengthen thee yea I will help thee yea I will uphold thee with the right-hand of my Righteousness This Text was applyed to me when I was beset with variety of troubles some inward some outward Many from my self respecting the state I stood in and the years I had attained to Some from my Relations in the flesh whose troubles were many and their outward condition clouded and the spiritual estate of many of them not such as I was satisfied in But from this place God by the right-hand of his Righteousness as he here calls it reached out support to me Fear not be not dismayed With both these did I at this time contend not only fear but dismaying discourageing fear for both the nature and dress of things as the image of them appeared to me was very tremendious Therefore God applyed comfort to me in a term of relation I am thy God as in a gracious Promise of presence I will be with thee and unsolds what he means by being with me viz. to help in every difficulty and uphold under every burthen Isa 26. 3. Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is staid upon thee because he trusteth in thee Ibid. 40. 31. But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength they shall mount up with wings as Eagles they shall run and not be weary they shall walk and not be faint John 3. 16. God so loved the World that he gave his only begâ—tten Son that whâ—soever believeth in him should not perish but have everlasting Life Isa 43. 25. But I even I am he that blottâ—th out thy transgression for mine own sake Psal 32. 8. I will instruct thee and teach thee in the Way that thou shalt go and guide thee with mine eye Rom. 4. 5. To him that worketh not but believeth on him that justifieth the â—â—godâ—y his Faith â—s counted for Righteousness These Scriptures eminently holding forth the most Estâ—utials in Christianity were of very great use to me not once or twice but so oft as I had recourse to them which was very frequent being oft in tryals which made them seasonable especially Psal 32. 8. formerly wrote down was a Scripture which I repaired to in all doubtful cases I was taught from John 3. 16. that the Love of God was the Fountain of my happiness being that out of which Christ himself was given for me Rom. 4. 5. instructed me that a Righteousness laid hold on by Faith justifieâ— without the least addition of works wrought by me which of how great use soever being indeed one end of that which Christ hath suffered and done for me that I might be God's Workmanship in him created to good works yet no material meritorious no or the least moving cause why my person should be accepted of God In this respect I count them all lost as Paul did his Phil. 3. 8. The Prayer of Christ recorded John 17. 20 21 22 23 24. afforded me so great Comfort that I cannot be satisfied without leaving a particular account of it The words are Neither pray I for these alone but for them also that shall believe in me thorow their Word that they may be all one as thou Father art in me and I in thee that they also may be one in us that the World may believe that thou hast sent me And the Glory which thou gavest me I have given them that they may be one even as we are one I in them and thou in me that they may be made perfect in one and that the world may know that thou hast sent me and hast loved them as thou hast loved me Father I will that they also whom thou hast given me be with me where I am that they may behold my glory which thou hast given me For thou lovedst me before the Foundation of the World The Love of Christ in these words set forth did and doth so drink up my spirit as I am like one drunken with Wine not able to speak of the sweetness of it Well to understand and savour his Words in this Prayer is if I know any thing of such entertaiment to be led into his Banqueting-house and Wine-cellar of whose Love the Song of Solomon speaks It being my lot to live in an age wherein Errour abounded I think fit to mention those Scriptures which perswaded me from some of those Errours of the most dangerous nature as most evidently against the foundation of that Covenant which God had confirmed to me The one was the freedom of an unregenerate will to believe in Christ Ephes 2. 8. it is thus written By Grace ye are saved thorow Faith and that not of your selves it is the gift of God Besides the experience I had of my natural inability to receive Christ by Faith this Text tells me expresly That men have it not from themselves but that it is the Gift of God I have â—â—aâ—d this to be a point of great controversie among the Learned wherâ—in if the experience of a sinner burthened with guilt may moderate I doubt not but to have a determination to the sense I have given Again Jer. 31. 19. I read thus After I was turned I repented and after I was instructed I smote upon my thigh I was ashamed and even confounded because I did bear the reproach of my youth This place shews that God's work upon us goes before our works towards him Man cannot turn till he is turned or smite upon his thigh before he his instructed I therefore agree with those who say that the carnal will is in bondage to sin as well as the carnal mind neither of them being subject to the Law of God or can be For I do conceive that without supernatural instruction which I take to be the same with spiritual
it became me to lodge mine there also what ever my personal qualifications were The station in which I stood had at another time occasioned a long slumber to me wherein I had not my former sense of the working of Grace nor fellowship with Christ The vexation that it gave me kept me from total stupidity but it continued longer than such â—â—ts used to do for I found not that genuine frame of mind which I had formerly to God and his wayes Then was I wonderfully broken in upon from Isa 54. 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11. especially that which setled me as upon a Mountain was the tenth verse where it is said For the Mountains shall depart and the Hills be removed but my kindness shall not depart from thee neither shall the Covenant of my Peace be removed saith the Lord that â—ath mercy upon thee This was so remarkable a passage as I went to seek a place to pour out tears of joy issuing from a heart melted with love If ever I experienced true contrition and a heart of stone turned into a heart of flesh it was at this time I was at another time much affected from the consideration of God's familiar dealing with sinning man in those intimate expressions of love and alluring invitations by which he seeks to draw men after him exprest under such taking objects Prov. 8. 17 18. 19 20 21. I love them that love me and those that seek me early shall find me Riches and Honour are with me yea durable Riches and Righteousness My fruit is better than Gold yea than much fine Gold and my revenue than choise Silver I lead in the way of righteousness in the midst of the paths of judgement that I may cause those that love me to inherit substance and I will fill their treasures In a time of darkness and perplexity of heart by reason of it I was insulted over by Satan as if he had obtained now a conquest over me Then did the Spirit of God suggest these words unto me Micah 7. 8. Rejoyce not against me O mine enemy though I fall I shall rise again when I sit in darkness the Lord shall be a light unto me Many other comforts at sundry times from several Scriptures were given in fitted to the temptation that I was at such times under which I have sinfully forgotten the Lord pardon me in much mercy Some I can give the better account of because I wrote them in a Paper-book which I have now by me as 1 John 8. 9. If we confess our sins he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins Here pardon of sin is annexed to confession of sin and it is a very comfortable place when rightly understood made use of for it implies the knowledge of a ransome for sin and Faith in a redeemer for by the tenure of the Law sin is uupardonable Cursed saith it is every one that continueth not in all things written in the book of the Law to do them Hence no sorrow for sin turning from sin crying for pardon of sin can obtain it without the Mediation of him who hath made his soul an offering for sin But the common use that people make if it who confess sin formally and resolve to practise it subsâ—â—tâ—ally is an abhorrence to God and all that have the Image of God stampt on them We have done those things say they which we ought not to have done and we have left â—ndâ—ne those things which we ought to have done and miâ—ht add we resolve so to do still else what means their returning from the solemnity of their Devotions to Swearing Drunkenness Whoredom and all abominations that lye in the way of their lustful hearts It hath troubled me sorely to hear carnal people make the way to Heaven so broad and easie in their discourse point-blank against what Christ said of it and it is a concluding argument they know it not That God is merciful and Christ dyed â—or sinners are precious truths and of concernment to faln man none greater Yet do multitudes encourage themselves from them to live in sin and thereupon perish for one who obtains Salvation by them I have been often quickned to duty from Heb. 6. 12. Be not slâ—thful but followers of thâ—s who through Faith and Patience inherit the Promises I found Faith and Patience of absolute necessity in all obedience whethet active or passive Nor may I omit the encouragement to obedience laid down vers 17. and 18. of that Chapter wherein God is willing more abundantly to shew unto the heirs of the Promise the immutability of his Counsels confirmed it by an Oath that by two immutable things in which it is not possible for God to lye they might have strong consolation who are fled for refuge to the hope set before them Where I further noee a distinguishing character of a sound Believer he is said here to fly for refuge to the hope set before him For I do not think that in time of sore distress under the burthen of sin any but such as in whom Christ dwels can fly to him for refuge though they may have other great accomplishments such as to be enlightned to taste the Heavenly Gift to be partakers of the holy Ghost and taste the good Word of God and the Powers of the World to come as is said of some vers 4. 5. The words also Heb. 7. 25. have been of standing support to me He is able to save them to the uttermost that come to God through Him seeing he ever liveth to make intercession for them And thus much of the mâ—â—remarkable things which besel me before the beginning of my long sickness About the beginning of April in the year 58. I was taken with a violent cold which was exceeding common at that time since when I cannot say that I have had one healthy day as before but distempers have increased upon me with very troublesome Effects and Symptoms Under this visitation I have had great experience of God's gracious dealing with me in my weakness I had recourse to the words of the Prophet Jer. 9. 23 24. Thus saith the Lord Let not the strong man glory in his strength c. But let him that glorieth glory in this that he understandeth and knoweth me that I am the Lord who exercise Loving-kindness Judgement and Righteousnâ—ss in the Earth Also the saying of the Apostle Jam. 1. 12. was of great use to me Blessed is the man that endureth temptation for when he is tryed he shall receive the Crown of Life which the Lord hath promised to them that love him While these things past on sinding in my self many signs of approaching mortality I was very conversant in the more serious thoughts of Eternity and I oâ—t was thinking with my self Oh that I had a crevice in at which to look that I might see the state of souls departed Satan who loses no opportunity took the hint of these thoughts because I