CHOICE EXPERIENCES OF The kind dealings of God before in and after CONVERSION Laid down in six general Heads Together with Some brief Observations upon the same Whereunto is added a description of true E X P E R I E N C E. By J. TURNER wife to Cap. John Turner PSALM 66. 16. Come and hear all ye that fear God and I will declare what he hath done for my soul LONDON Printed by H. Hils and are to be sold at the Black spread-Eagle and the Three Bibles at the West end of Pauls 1653. To the Churches of Christ who worship God in spirit and truth according to the holy Commandments of Jesus Christ especially those my dear Brethren at Newcastle Barwick and Scotland with whom I have taken sweet counsel in the house of God for several years past grace mercy truth and peace be multiplied from the Lord Jesus Christ. PRECIOUS and dearly beloved Brethren I know it would seem very strange to you if this following Treatise should come to your hands without my publick owning of it as indeed well it might considering my neer relation to the Author it is no small joy to my heart that the Lord is pleased in these our daies any way by any means to put his People in mind of that which they are so prone to forget namely the various workings of God in their poor hearts which you will find in this small Treatise in these three generall heads viz. before in and since Conversion we find the Lord in Scripture often calling upon his People to remember their unconverted state Isaiah 51. 1. Look unto the Rock whence ye are hewen and to the holy of the Pit whence ye are digged And the Lord knowing our great inclination to forget it he is pleased to mind us of it as in Eph. 5. 8. 1 Cor. 6. 10 11. Tit. 3. 3. Eph. 2. 1 2 3. c. The right remembrance of our unconverted state will be a means to engage our hearts to be much in the thoughts of and highly to prise that unspeakable love and grace of our God through Iesus in quickning us who were dead in trespasses and sins in translating us from the Kingdome of darkness into the Kingdome of his dear Son the serious pondering of these things in our hearts will sweetly force us to break forth into admiration with the Apostle 1 Ioh. 3. 1 2. Behold what manner of love the Father hath bestowed upon us that we should be call'd the sons of God c. but when we forget the two former we lose our communion with God in a great measure and cannot prise and improve the kind dealings of our God with us since Conversion neither walk holily and obediently before the Lord in all his holy appointments as we ought but leave an open door for Satan to deceive us with his manifold tentations by which we suffer much harm My hearts desire and prayer to the Lord is that he would give all his people more care and diligence in watching their own hearts and waies for the increase of their spiritual strength and growth in grace lest they being led away for a time with the error of the wicked fall from their own stedfastness 2 Pet. 3. 17 18. as many have done to their greatest grief and loss Beloved Brethren you have here the labours of one of the weakest sex which I trust will occasion you the more to give glory to God in that his strength appears in weakness were it not for the relation I should have much room to speak of the Author and this Her work but I shall only say Let Her works praise Her only I have this that I cannot but say it was not Her desire to publish it Her reasons She hath expressed Secondly So far as one can speak for another I can say for my Wife in this vvork she hath had little help from men or things but I believe much from the Lord and as the Lord hath ovvned and much assisted her in these her great labors I trust the same povver vvill accompany each precious heart into vvhose hand it may come to make it very profitable to them At my first sight of it which was when it was neer finished though I believe I was the first that saw it next Her self I was so surprized knowing nothing of it before that I knew not what to say of it but upon consideration and reviewing of it I was very much pressed in spirit to publish it and the more in that the oftner I read it the more I was ingaged to it I can say through mercy it hath been usefull and profitable to me I hope it will be so to many more It is no small mercy nor low attainment to be indeed an experienced Christian it is easier to have fine words than a treasure in the heart but seeing the kings daughter is all glorious within and that our treasure there doth increase by the blessing of the Lord upon our diligent using that means ordained for that end this I trust will be a faithfull remembrancer and helper of us in this great work in which I hope the Lord will have much glory and his people comfort which hath been is and I trust ever shall be the earnest desire of Your poor unworthy Brother in the Gospel JOHN TURNER To the Reader Reader THou wilt find in this little Book something suitable to those various changes and differing conditions that ordinarily poor souls are in both before in and after conversion only excepting a high degree of visible profaness and excess of riot with heart hand and tongue blaspheming the holy One of Israel in an unconverted State The Author was kept from that great degree of wickedness as you will find in the beginning of Her book If this shall come into the hāds of any that yet live in those pollutions and abominable corruptions the Lord teach them to consider that if Civility and Morality be too low and too little to stand the Soul in any stead in that day when God will judge the secrets of all men by Jesus Christ Surely then sin and profaness will be a miserable covering This little Treatise is not intended principally for such Ishmaelites but rather for those who have their faces Zion ward enquiring the way thither as also to such as have a name and place where the honor of God dwells to all such I may say as an incouragement to peruse this little Treatise First as to the nature of it its that which hath been digested and it may well be called Experience it may be likned to the Wine that Christ made of water at the end of the Mariage-Feast being last it was better than the first though doubtles the first wine was good So I hope thou wilt find these few lines though good at the first yet better at the latter end it being the privilege of Saints to have their last works best and as they grow in years to grow
in grace which the Lord grant unto all his for his mercies sake Amen JOHN TURNER To the Christian Reader I Cannot but take it as a mercy from the Lord that I have such an opportunity to give my testimony unto so worthy a work as this is which indeed is a work that is not common amongst men being the work of a Daughter of Zion nay I may say a Mother in Israel as it is said Many Daughters have done vertuously but She excelleth them all therefore let Her own works praise Her in the Gates of Zion who hath opened to the view of all not only the counsel of mans heart which is as the deep waters with the deceits therof in which it may miscarry through the wisdom of the flesh and the wiles of Satan but also the wonderful wisdom of God in the powerful operation of his Spirit in the clear footsteps of his Grace by a large and well grounded experience in the Lords bringing of a poor soul out of darkness into light but in more particular thus How far a soul may be wrought upon before it comes to Christ with the lets and hinderances that keep it off from the truth Secondly of the true work of Grace in the heart and how this differs from the former Thirdly the souls closing with Christ and the sweet enjoyments of the same And lastly the full establishment in the free Grace of God and the manner how God effected this with the several effects of all the aforesaid degrees of Grace with so much variety of spiritual soul-edifying matter and all so full of life and delight to a gracious experienced heart that as to my remembrance I have not heard of the like together with a large discovery of the most devilish and strong delusions of our times and the depth and danger of them with the great Soul-losses of such as are taken with them and also the nature and tendency of them and Gods rich mercy in his recovering of his own out of them and how by his wisdome he makes the same work for their good So that good Reader if thou wouldst see the very inside of a gracious soul with the largest experience of the riches of Gods great dispensations of grace here it is clearly presented in this smal ensuing Treatise being so seasonable for the time we live in and so useful for all sorts of persons wherein error and hereticks are discovered the godly most sweetly edified and the way of truth laid open for such as desire it and many precious principles of truth soundly asserted All which with much more considered did not only affect my soul but caused me with others to press on the author hereof to publish the same for the good of Saints and a glorious example for all Christians to follow in a serious observing the passages of Gods providence and grace that they may be rich in experience of his free mercies and goodnes towards them as that by which God holds our souls in life and forms his image in us with deep ingagements of love and zeal for his glory into whose bosome I commit the godly Reader and this good work unto his blessing upon thy heart and remain the unworthiest of all Saints John Spilsbery To the Reader READER THis smal Volume is the fruit of private Meditations relating to the inward man which many neglecting have been like painted Sepulchers It is a known Maxim That the serious minded Christian is the most thriving especially when the judgement ordereth the affection Many persons are so drowned in confused and immethodical thoughts that all their intentions are like an untimely birth or the grass on the house top This Author hath obtained favour of the Lord not onely to be esteemed a Daughter of Sion but also one that excelleth in grace and to be counted a Mother in the true Israel of which we have not many I speak not this by hearsay onely though her works praise her in the gates but having had for some years more than ordinary experience of her clear conceptions and sound judgement being more naturally given to the exercise of godliness with sobriety than others hath stirred me up to testify some of her spiritual worth which hath been very advantagious to many but especially to me It was the great sorrow of the Jewish woman to be barren being thereby deprived of bringing forth Christ in his humane nature and it is greater sorrow to ingenious Christians to be barren in spirituals This precious soul hath conceived and brought forth spiritual fruit to the view of good and bad the matter containeth a gradual narration of the Lords various dealings with her many years both in and after Conversion which speaketh forth much observance of Gods daily footsteps in the soul the like have not commonly been seen few have given-themselves to be intent in discovering the beauty of Christ in the inward man If this may be instrumental to bring forth the additional experiences of other Saints it will be a good president especially in this age in which Saints time hath been occasionally taken up more in building the walls of the true Sion than in discovering the treasures of Grace and inward Glory of Christ in the soul These inward Experiences are not intended to limit others but to provoke self-examination and spiritual quickning They are orderly laid down though with brevity a word to the wise is enough Here is the danger of sin discovered the excellent safety of a soul in Christ declared the duties of privileged Christians manifested and some cautions laid down to take heed of a light and unsound Generation of men whose deceits have been largely experienced Be watchfull lest you fall where others have stumbled and are through Grace recovered and much established Read with diligence consider with patience thy encouragements are many that which is tendred being the fruit of the Spirit of grace doth invite and animate thee to conclude thy labor shall not be in vain in the Lord to whom I commend thee in this and all thy spiritual labours and remain Dated at London the 7th day of the 7th Moneth 1653. Thy affectionatâ— and welwishing friend JOHN GARDNER A word from the Author to the READER THese notes in the following discourse are some of the fruits of my labours written at several times in my Husbands absence which may be some satisfaction as to my spending that time I did intend them only for my own private use as a remembrancer of the old loving kindness of the Lord towards me t was not in the least in my thoughts that ever it should have been presented to a publick view but after I had written the greatest part of it shewing it to my Husband he had some thoughts to publish it judging it might be profitable to some precious souls which though it be written but in a broken scattering way and I am conscious to my self of too much weakness and unworthiness to be
For doubtless though its one of the last yet it s not the least trial that after we have in a great measure overcome the world the devil and our own hearts we should meet with lets and discouragements from one another It s that indeed which is suitable to an imperfect state in which we are and by which we may learn as to live more singly on God so also to presse after and long for that perfect State in which we shall be at the appearance of our Lord Jesus Christ I might enlarge much in this matter but I intend only to hint at things desiring the Lord to stir up the hearts of some more able to enlarge upon it knowing there is great need that Saints should be exhorted to this duty namely not to discourage but to incourage one another in all good things I desire that we may set before us that exhortation of the Apostle Gal. 5. 26 Let us not be desirous of vain glory provoking one another envying one another From whence I observe that to be desirous of vain glory makes way for a spirit of envy and so to provoke and grieve one another The consideration of that Scripture with Jam. 4. 5. may through the blessing of God be very usefull to Saints for this purpose for questionles a slighting of the gifts and grace of God in others doth many times arise off a desire of vain glory and a spirit of envy The first Note of Experience of the good Providence of God towards mee in a state of Ignorance and Darkness before Conversion IT pleased the Lord I was civilly brought up from a child and kept from such gross evills as persons meerly civil do not allow but otherwaies very vain and that which instrumentally kept me from such things as I conceived was together with my civil education a desire of happiness and a fear of misery having a general notion that sinne was attended with misery for I remember when I had done any thing that I thought was sin I was presently under great fear and terror to take off which and also to attain happiness in the end I thought I was to be exercised in some kind of religion but being very ignorant I made no inquiry what religion was but took it for granted that that was religion which was then in force from King and Bishops and so going on I grew very superstitiously zealous in all things suitable to the service Book or a Cathedrall kind of Worship and I thought the more I abounded in fasting book prayer and observation of daies and times mourning and afflicting my self for sin the better it was so that I think I did exceed most that I knew in that way for blind zeal and superstitious devotion yet at this very time I thought my self far from Popery and did alwaies oppose that with much zeal and I am sure with much ignorance Then being acquainted with some who were then called Puritans I began to perceive that there was some difference betwixt that which I practised and that which was done by them and my observation of their carriages and hearing them speak such language as I was altogether a stranger to did so far work upon me that I began to question my own condition and oft times when I had done my long book prayers though I had scarce ever heard of praying without a book yet I would in a poor broken manner complain to God that I was in some fear that what I did was not according to his will and if it were not I did beg of him that he would bring me to the knowledge of the truth whatever I did undergo for attaining of it But then sometimes I thought my condition good enough and though I was never given to rail or speak evil of such persons yet I thought they made more ado than they need to have done and that God did not require so much strictnesse as they seemed to plead for But hearing them speak much of knowledge and of the danger of ignorance and knowing my self to be very ignorant I began to be more frequent in reading the Scriptures and hearing sermons but my understanding not being yet opened it was to little effect for I remember I was at this time like a stock or stone as to the true understanding of that which I read or heard that I can truly say as the Prophet in Psal 73. 22. So foolish was I and ignorant even as a Beast before thee and yet at this time I was something in affection as when I heard any thing of the judgements of God against sin I should tremble and when any thing of the mercy and goodness of God or the love and sweetness of Jesus Christ my heart would melt as I thought yet I understood nothing so as to have it seated in the understanding and judgement This in general I do remember as to that state Some brief Observations from this note of Experience FIrst concerning my being kept from sin by a desire of happiness and fear of misery From thence I observe That in the daies of ignorance before we have received grace to restrain us from sin it s a mercy to be restrained by something else And truly to me its a mercy so considerable that I desire to bless the Lord for it as long as I live Secondly concerning my seeking after and framing to my self some kind of Religion from thence I observe That its naturall for persons to make after some kind of Religion and rather than they will worship nothing they will worship Samaritan like they know not what John 4. 22. Thirdly concerning my opposing Popery when my self lived in the practice of the same thing for the nature of it from thence I observe That a person may oppose an error and yet live at that time in the same error for the nature of it though in a lower degree and not know it And that not only persons totally ignorant but Saints also if they take not good heed for I have experienced this more times than once Fourthly concerning my complaint and prayer to God in relation to truth from thence I observe That a person before conversion may for ought I know truly pray and that from a secret work of God upon the heart And therefore though I cannot from Scripture-rule exhort such to pray so neither from ence can I forbid them but rather reioyce to see the hearts of any run out in such a way Fiftly concerning my being so much affected with truth though I understood it not from thence I observe That ignorant persons in hearing truth may have their reason so far touched that they may assent to it and be much affected with it and yet understand nothing so as to have it seated in the heart and judgement and because it is not seated in the heart and iudgement that I conceive is the reason why ignorant persons are so uncertain and so unconstant in their thoughts
but a hatred and indignation against it It being thus with me at this time I cannot but much tender persons in the like condition who do manifest by a good conversation a reall work of God upon their hearts though living in a discovery below the privileges of the Gospel yet not so to tender them as not to tender the glory of truth above them being true to my principles in keeping a strict separation from them in relation to their visible and publick worship it being contrary to the rule of the Gospel Three Observations from the three foregoing reasons First concerning the Change wrought in the whole soul from thence I observe That there may be a Change wrought in the whole soul to life and godliness long before that soul comes to enjoy life by believing Secondly concerning my being staid upon Christ when I was like to sink upder my burthen from thence I observe That a soul may cleave to and really stay upon Christ through some apprehension which presents him lovely though it may be that which doth not present him so lovely as indeed he is Thirdly concerning that entire love I had to Christ and his waies from thence I observe That though the love of Christ manifested to a soul be that which ordinarily begets love in the soul to Christ yet its possible there may be a real love to him before there is such a manifestation Now having minded many particulars as to my condition at that time when I did experience these things I cannot altogether omit the kindness of God towards me in relation to persecutions which though it were but small comparatively with some others yet it was more than some met with and it was that indeed which did require some strength from the Lord to undergo it with comfort in which he not being wanting to me I Judge it ought not to be forgotten by me and as I had comfort in it at that time present so I am still well satisfyed that I suffered not as an evill doer because what I did then was upon a conscientious account according to that light received I could mention many particulars but I forbear heartily desiring that it may never be laid to their charge But this book being intended by me as a remembrancer of the former dealings of God towards me I think it not altogether useles as to remember the time I was in that condition the manner how I was brought from it so also the time when J was brought from it and that was after the Bishops were quite taken away in the beginning of the sitting of the late Synod And here I desire to remember with thankfulness to God that I was not insnared by the change of times and laws For at that very time when the Presbyterian party so called began to reign and J might have reignd with them and enioyed smiles from them being convicted of a further discovery of truth J left them and was content to become a scorn and a by-word amongst them Though J must confess J had much respect from some of them all along yet my sufferings from that party were far more than the former J could here mention many particulars but J forbear desiring as for the former it may not be charged upon them only these general hints I hope will be sufficient to bring particulars to my remembrance for these things ought not to be forgotten by me because in the remembrance of them I find my heart much engaged in praises to God and that several waies one way and that not the least is that God hath broken their power For indeed I must needs say that according to my observation and experience I have seen as persecuting a spirit in them as ever I did in the former and they did appear as bitter if not more against such as were called Anabaptists than ever the Bishops did against those that were called Puritans considering their time and power For as their time was short so when their power was highest there was alwaies a party which did a little aw them I shall say no more of these things but that as I desire for ever to blesse the Lord in the remembrance of them so I do likewise desire that God would destroy or at least keep under every persecuting spirit under what name or title soever called till he is pleased to give them repentance The third Note of Experience How I was brought to apprehend and believe the free Grace of God in the Gospell and in believing to receive the assurance of the love of God IN order to this experience I cannot omit to write something concerning the reading of a book by which as a means in the hand of God I received these never to be forgotten mercies After I had livd about five or six years a strict professor being very confident and settled upon the Lees of Legal Righteousness it pleased the Lord there came a man to the Town where I lived whom though he was generally reputed to be an honest man yet he was much opposed as holding grosse errors in his Judgement and hearing many speak very bitterly against him I did much ponder it in my heart not daâ—ing as Nicodemus spake concerning Christ John 7. 50. to judge before I heard and therefore I resolved to speak with him which accordingly I did and found him speaking such things as I never heard before which I then ignorantly judged to be errors the things he chiefly spake of was about Free Grace the nature of the Gospel and the New Covenant and though I was not able to gain say the truth of what he spake yet for fear of those evill consequences that a carnal heart might draw from them I could not receive it But after some discourse in much opposition yet not bitter against him in the close he desired to lend me a book in which he said concerning the things he spake I might find better satisfaction than he could give being but weak in expression so I took it home with me but being much afraid of error I was at a great dispute in my own spirit whether I should read it or not but fearing lest I should seem to shut my eyes against the light at last I came to this result that I would read it but first set a part a day by fasting and prayer to seek the Lord that what was truth in it I might embrace and that he would keep and preserve me from error which accordingly I did and finding the drist and scope of the book was to exalt God and lay low the Creature I was much affected with it as also with some other particulars but on the other hand these Ministers whose words were then as Oracles to me did so much cry out against it charging all to take heed of it it being full of errors of dangerous consequences that when I came about the middle of it I was so surprised with fear of carnal liberty
condition and what the Lord had done for me who as I have formerly hinted was much in the same condition with me who also declared that he had in a measure received the like mercy which did much increase my joy Then I remember he desir'd we might seek the Lord by prayer and praise his holy name for these and all his mercies In which duty the Lord was pleased so abundantly to manifest himself to us thereby testifying his acceptance of us that for a while we sate in admiration neither of us scarce being able to speak for tears and truly it was such a mercy that I trust we shall for ever admire it at least in these five particulars First that God should deal so faithfully with us in relation to his promise that when we were ready to turn to the right hand or to the left he caused us to hear his voice behind us saying this is the way walk in it Esay 30. 21. Secondly that when we were straying from truth that the Lord should keep us that we straied no further that we did not run to the hight of those notions denying the Churches and Ordinances of Christ and blaspheming the truth as very many did in those times even denying the Lord that bought them Thirdly that the Lord should deal so fatherly and tenderly in his restoring of us that it was not by any extraordinary affliction or chastisement neither were we at any time a trouble to the Churches or grief to any Saint I know of Fourthly that the Lord should be pleased to bring us off so clearly from those things for many are brought off from them and yet there is still so much confusion remaining upon their spirits that it is hard to discern whether they are brought off or no. Fiftly that the Lord should vouchsafe this mercy to both of us that at one the same time and that at our return he should manifest such a sweet acceptance of us melting our hearts into tears of joy to our mutual comfort in the Lord and in each other and so that stream of our hearts being now turned from running after lying vanities the Lord was pleased to re-establish and confirm us every day more and more in the truth turning this sad yet blessed Experience to his praise and our great advantage the remembrance of which I trust shall be a mercy that shall stand us in stead at times of need whiles we live which the Lord grant it may be so to the honour and praise of his great name and our own peace and happines in himself Amen Some further Considerations relating to this part of my Experience it being that which I judge so considerable I cannot omit the reviewing of it AND the Lord grant I may review it daily so as to have my heart raised to an holy admiration of the goodness and faithfulness of God towards me in it and that it may allwaies lie as a strong engagement upon my heart to love and obey him in all things which in consideration of his unspeakable mercy is but my reasonable service Rom. 12. 1. And as I desire for ever to bless the Lord that he was pleased to deliver me from these deceits so it shall be my prayer that all the Lords people may be delivered from them and that the rather because I am perswaded that errors of that nature are the worst of all others and doubtless they are the greatest mystery of iniquity that ever Satan had on foot in the world But because I am not willing to pass my sentence without grounds and because every thing that is reproved is made manifest by the light and that which doth make manifest is light Ephes 5. 13. I desire according to that light of truth which God hath given to me farther to consider not only in general that those kind of errors are the worst of all others but more particularly how they are so First I conceive they are the worst of all others in that they do naturally tend and lead to the highest degree of evill and that both as they take with gracious hearts and as they take with carnal hearts First as they take with gracious hearts they do naturally interrupt the souls communion with God and exposeth it to great temptations bringing it to straits and extremities and into the greatest confusion that can be possible so far as they prevail and for the truth of this besides my own experience I appeal to any experienced Christian if it be not so Secondly as they take with carnal hearts they lead by degrees to the greatest evil both in a spiritual and 〈…〉 vil sense for such hearâ—â— not being seasoned wiâ—â— grace they run from onâ— notion to another till they run so high as to stand directly in opposition to Christ and his Gospel For when they come to be confounded and at a loss in their Judgements and meet with such Temptations which those errors naturally lead to they are overcome by them and under a pretence of living above Ordinances they deny the Ordinances of Christ and by degrees the whole Word of God calling it literal and carnal â—â—d under a pretence of spiâ—â—â—uality blaspheme the name â—f Christ calling him A fleshly Christ and so denying the Lord that bought them 2 Pet. 2. 1. and going against such strong convictions and cleer manifestations of light and knowledge as some have done doubtless they have fallen into that unpardonable sin expressed in Heb. 10. and so come at last to jeer and scoff at all appearance of godliness and it makes way for the highest degree of wickedness also in a civil sense having given themselves up to work all uncleanness with greediness Esay 4. 19. and so breaking all bonds though they had escaped the pollutions of the world through the knowledge of our Lord yet being again entangled therein their latter end is worse than the beginning 2 Pet. 2. 20. according to that Mat. 13. 43 44 45. When the unclean spirit is gone out of a man he walketh through dry places seeking rest and findeth none then he returns and taketh seven other spirits more wicked than himself and they enter in and dwell there and the last state of that man is worse than the beginning he is now far more wicked than ever this is the nature and these are the effects of those kind of notions as they take with carnal hearts and that it is so I appeal to the times in which we live if we have not seen it so with many who had escaped the pollutions of the world and that evil spirit seemed to be gone out of them and they have made large professions of the power of truth in their hearts but they are turned with the dog to his vomit and with the sow that was washt to her wallowing in the myre glorying in their shame and doing that without any reluctancy which they would have trembl'd at the thoughts of before they had those
an Instrument for the good of souls or to propagate the least truth of the Lord Jesus yet I shall be willing to submit to better Judgements hoping through the Blessing of God it may be useful knowing from my own experience I have received much from the Lord by reading but besides the sense of my own unworthiness as I had some discouraging thoughts as to my writing of it at the first so I have met with the like as to my giving way to the publishing of it As first I thought I might seem to some to walk in an untrodden path I having never seen any thing written before in this manner and method but whatever entertainment it may find with such knowing from whom I have received it I am well satisfied my footsteps will be found as for matter so for method and manner among the foot-steps of the flock of Christ where I desire to feed besides the Shepheards Tents Cant. 1. 8 Another thought which did discourage me was knowing I must expect to encounter with Satan in relation to it several waies but believing that which way soever he appears whether to abase or exalt me in my own thoughts the Lord will not be wanting with strength to withstand and resist him and that I shall with advantage be delivered from his snares and temptations Thus resolving to commit my self and it to the blessing of the Almighty desiring it may be accepted of the Saints as the widows mite and that what is weak may be covered with love is the desire of me the unworthy Servant of Christ IANE TURNER The manner how I was put upon the writing these following lines with the reasons and grounds for doing the same THrough the good providence of God I lived in Newcastle for some time where I received many precious mercies from the Lord which I desire may never be forgotten by me and being under a bodily affliction the Lord was pleased so to visit me with his loving kindness that I can truly say it was a time of joy to my soul and indeed I never enjoyed so much sweet communion with God for so long a time together as I did at that time for for the space of seven or eight weeks together I was in a continual converse and exchanging love with God as it were lodging and living in the bosome of Christ and truly I do not remember that in all that time I had one considerable interruption which condition was so sweet and joious to me that it did exceedingly grieve me to think that ever I should forget the particulars thereof finding from sad experience that though I can never forget the substance of such things yet I am prone to forget the particulars the remembrance of which I find to be much for the glory of God and my own comfort and profit especially in times of trial and temptations upon the consideration of which I thought it might be a good way to write them down And calling to mind some of the old loving kindnesses of God towards me I resolved to write down some of them For I do believe I cannot remember the hundreth part of the kind dealings of God towards me so as to write them all but though I cannot remember all yet I may remember some and those I judg most considerable I resolved to write them down But as I had many thoughts of encouragement to do it so I had some thoughts that did discourage me As First I thought it would be very hard if not impossible for me to remember that which hath been so long since so as to write it But the Lord was pleased to satisfy me in this that my ends being such as were agreeable to his will he would according to his promise in my endeavours bring things to my remembrance and truly I was confirmed in believing he would so do from my own experience for I do not remember that ever I set my self seriously to meditate on the former kindness of God towards me but I was much refreshed by it and remembred that which I seemed to have forgotten A Second thought which did discourage me was fearing left through forgetfulness as I knew I should leave out something which was so I might possibly write something which was not which I would not by any means willingly do this I discerned to be a temptation for fear of hypocrisy but God was pleased to satisfy me in it with this resolution that what I did I would do as in his presence and that if there were any thing which was clear to my remembrance that I could not bring in without something which was doubtfull I would rather leave out the one than write the other much less write any thing which was a plain addition and in this resolution I set upon it believing that God would assist and help me desiring not to give way to discouraging thoughts for I have often experienced this that if in writing speaking or doing of any thing whereby God may be glorified we should give way to temptations and discouragements we should do nothing at all For Satan and our own hearts will not be wanting to us that way But with grief of heart I must confess that the greatest discouragements that I have met with have been from the Saints themselves I do not mean only as to this particular but as to other spiritual duties also by which I trust I have learned in some measure to take the more heed how I discorage others and doubtless Saints ought to take great heed left by their giving just occasion of discouragement they quench the Spirit of God in them 2 Thes 5. 1â— quench not the Spirit which that we may not do we ought to endeavour for a Spirit of discerning and for such a carriage by which we may best draw forth the hearts of others in spiritual things not that we should draw or put persons upon that which they have not received or that we should encourage any who put themselves on such things but rather reprove them especially those who so act in a publique way such as the Apostle speaks of who would be preachers of the Law when indeed they know not what they say nor whereof they affirm 1 Tim. 1. 7. the hearing of which hath been no small burthen to my spirit I wish from my soul that not onely particular Saints may be faithful in the discharge of their duty to reprove such but also that the Church would put forth their Authority for the calling of them in and that such brethren onely whose gifts are approved of by the Church may exercise their gifts publiquely and no other that the Saints may not be burthened nor the world blaspheme I shall say no more as to this believing that the Lord will instruct those that are called to that work namely to judge who are fit to be teachers desiring only to caution Saints to take heed of casting stumbling blocks in each others way
a confusion in my heart that I knew not what to do by which I was again hindered from my duty being willing to try that doctrine I not having heard the like before it being full of entising words of mans wisdome which I did with as much diligence try for some time examining the Scriptures about it as ever I did any doctrine but could find nothing in it but confusion a meer sound of words some of those bigge swelling words of vanity spoken of Jude 16. 2 Pet. 2. 18. so through mercy I left it and escaped that snare which I desire to remember to the praise of God Then I resolved to prosecute my former purpose in relation to those duties before mentioned yet still lingring in Babylon till the Lord was pleased by a stretched-out arm and cleer voice to bring to my remembrance those words in the 22. chapter of the Acts verse 6. Arise and be baptized why tarryest thou and as I remember for some daies together whatever I was doing those words were much in my thoughts then I began to take particular notice of it applying it to my own condition whether I was able to give a reason why I tarried the Lord having removed all my scruples and answered all my objâ—ctions and speaking of it to my Husband who was then much in the same condition I remember we had some discourse about it and the result was that the next first day we would go to the Church where we had often heard and declare what God had done for us in the great work of conversion desiring also to obey him in all his commands which accordingly we did and gave them full satisfaction and the week following were baptized and added to the Church being sweetly satisfyed and comforted therein and as for my former scruples I was troubled no more with them and in particular as to hearing out of the Church I never desired it since but God was pleased and still is to satisfy me with the fatness of his house feeding me with green pastures there and sitting under the shadow of Christ his Fruit is sweet to my tast which the LORD grant I may be found so doing as he hath commanded until his second comming Some brief Observations upon this fourth Note of Experience FIrst Concerning those thoughts that though I had nothing to do to be saved yet I had much to do to glorify God c. from thence I observe That as it is the duty of all that have received the Grace of God to be active for his Glory so it is the nature of Grace to teach and engage Saints to do the same Secondly Concerning my ignorance of Baptism and other Ordinances notwithstanding all my former Experience in point of Faith from thence I observe That persons may have much Experience in point of privilege and yet be ignorant of their duty As indeed we are more apt to learn the one than the other Thirdly Concerning my ignorance of that which is so plainly expressed in Scripture from thence I observe That light discovers darkness and though Truth be never so plainly expressed yet ignorance cannot apprehend it Fourthly Concerning those interruptions and temptations that kept me from my duty from thence I observe That naturally we are so averse to duty that we are a long time before we know our duties and when we know them we are subject to be kept from doing them by very trifles and that it is Satans policy if he cannot keep us from knowing our duties to cast stumbling-blocks in our way if possible to keep us us from doing them 2. I observe That though Christs yoak be easie yet we are hardly brought to put it on Fifthly Concerning the first hinderance That I thought it some Bondage to be in a Church from thence I observe That through ignorance of the nature of Christian Liberty we are too subject to think that Bondage which is not only Liberty but a great Privilege Sixthly Concerning the second hinderance which was the unsuitable walkings of some particular persons then in the Church from thence I observe That the Consideration of our stumbling at the failings of others should make us carefull lest we occasion others to stumble at us Seventhly Concerning the third hinderance That it was our liberty whether we would walk in Churches and submit to Ordinances or not from thence I observe That we are naturally so addicted to liberty that we are many times ready to cast off all obedience and to look on the Ordinances of Christ as indifferent things Eighthly Concerning the fourth hinderance Fearing lest I had not faith enough to suffer for it from thence I observe That distrustfull thoughts of future mercies many times keep us from improving present mercies Ninethly Concerning those Convictions that though I was scrupled about truth yet could not leave it so but endeavoured after full satisfaction from thence I observe That strong Convictions are not easily put out and where grace is predominant there will be an endeavour not to smother but to answer them Tenthly Concerning that other hinderance by strange doctrine from thence I observe That as faith comes by hearing so there may be a hearing that tends to the prejudice of faith And such I conclude is all hearing out of the way of God though some more some lesse I mean publick hearing out of the Church of God and though some do iudge it their liberty and privilege so to do I must needs confess I cannot so iudge For though possibly glorious things may be spoken yet what privilege can it be for Saints to hear glorious things where there is no promise of a blessing from God and therefore I may say as the Apostle of speaking in an unknown tongue I had wrather hear five words from a true Ministery or in a Church of Christ where he hath promised his blessing and presence than five thousand elsewhere though I desire in a personal way to own and embrace all or any appearance of God where ever I find it and can upon that account truly say I do much respect love and delight in some who are not yet come up to the true worship of Christ in his Church but I must be true to my principles I cannot see how we that are according to the Gosspel ioyned to the Lord and his Church by which we hold out to the world a visible profession of his name and a separation from all false waies of worship which in our principles we judge them who are not rightly constituted with us according to the appointment and practice of Christ and his Apostles to be no other I say I cannot see how we can meet with them in their publique worship to hear their Ministers or in any other spiritual duty but it is a crossing our own principles As thus they own themselves true Churches and Ministers of Christ the ignorant world knoweth not but they are so we by our presence being silent do say
the same though in our Judgement we cannot so own them which is a plain contradiction in our principles we say they are not Churches and Ministers of Christ by our practice we say they are as hath been minded Secondly As it is a contradiction of our own principles so it hath had such effects which are too visible and remains unto this day I must confess in my most serious thoughts I have wondered what should be the reason that any in the house of God should desire to be elsewhere I am sure there is no reason to be given for it neither from Scripture nor experience therefore I conclude it s either from ignorance so persons in their practice cross their own principles and not know it or else it s from corrupt principles or else they are overcome by some violent temptations As to the 1. of these I trust there are not many in the house of God so ignorant As to the 2. it is the desire of my soul that God would reprove shew them the evill of such principles and recover them out of such snares As to the 3. Let them take heed lest having put their hand to the plow and looking back they become unfit for the Kingdom of God Luke 9. 62. and let them likewise take heed of pleasing men or halting between two opinions but if God be God follow him if Baal follow him 1 Kings 28 21. This may seem harsh language to some but I am satisfyed that what I have written hath not been from a censorious spirit to Judge of the final State of any or to question the grace of God in any where it doth appear in the least measure and therefore let none say that because I cannot own any to be true Churches or Ministers of Christ but such as are in the same order with us that therefore I say there is nothing of God or Truth in them or that none shall be saved but our selves or that we love none but those of our own Judgement which if any do so think or speak of us it is a very great mistake for if I may speak for others as I have already said I do upon a godly account love and delight in some who are not in our Churches and do wait for the accomplishment of those glorious promises when they and we shall have a pure language shall call upon the Lord serve him with one consent and when we shall have one heart and one way and there shall be one Lord and his name one Zeph. 3. 9. Jer. 32. 39. Zach. 14. 9. In the mean time Let none under a pretence of waiting for the accomplishment of such promises as these grow cold and indifferent in the great things of God For none can truly wait for the accomplishment of Promises but such as do wait in a close walking with God according to that measure of light received and so those that have but a little of the knowledge of God let them follow on to know the Lord Hosea 6. 3. and let those that are in the faith earnestly contend for it Jude 3. and such as are in Gospel Churches let them stand fast in one Spirit with one mind striving together for the faith of the Gospel Phil. 1. 27. and let every one that names the name of Christ depart from iniquity 2 Timothy 2. 19. and those that love the Lord hate evil Psalm 97. 10. And as I desire that none may slight grow cold or indifferent in the great things of God under a pretence of waiting for high enjoyments or discoveries which shall be in the later daies so I desire likewise that none may plead against the Truth under a pretence of Love as many do in these daies labouring to confound light with darkness truth with error and to make an agreement where God hath made none Let such know that true spiritual love as it is wrought in the heart by the Spirit of God so it is bounded within the limits of Truth Love and Truth go hand in hand it is so fixed upon God that it Loves all in and for him spiritual Love must have a spiritual object and as the obiect is more or less visible so is that Love it cannot love every thing alike nay it works as well by hatred of evill as approving that which is good Psa 101. Psa 97. 10. Rev. 2. 6. Psa 119. 122 128. It loves that which God loves and hates that which he hates it loves the Word of God the Ordinances of God and the people of God and hates all that is in opposition to these it rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth 1 Cor. 13. 6. This is true spiritual love in which we are to receive every truth and by which faith worketh 2 Thes 2. 10. Gal. 5. 6. and I dare affirm whatever persons may pretend of spiritual love that is not of this nature it is a meer delusion and that all that fear the Lord ought to take heed of it The fift Note of Experience concerning Notions and Pretended Spiritualities in which Satan transforms himself into an Angel of light and how far I was deceived by it and how the Lord was pleased to recover me out of it BEing now through much mercy brought out of Babylon into Sion to partake of those dainties which the Lord hath prepared for his people there Satan that grand Enemy of mankind who goeth about like a roaring Lion seeking whom he may devour 1 Pet. 5. 8. envies my happiness and waites his opportunitie to catch me as a fish in the water covering his hook with a bait of mystery and spirituality who though I had escaped him in all his former appearances as a devill yet now transforms himself into an Angel of light if it were possible for ever thereby to beguile and deceive me knowing that those that are so deceived are the fittest Agents to promote his Kingdome and that many times he prevailes this way when he can prevail no other way drawing persons to that by degrees through corrupt principles which they would have trembled at the thoughts of before they had such principles but God was pleased not onely to keep me from such things but also discover to me the way by which persons are brought to such things that so to the praise of his Grace I might avoid those waies and also forewarn others to avoid them likewise But before I was brought to discover Satan under these veiles by hearkning to the voice of the Tempter in the thoughts of which I desire ever to be humbled in the presence of God I was deceived and beguiled by him in some particular things and that after this manner after we had lived some time in London walking with the Church in the practice of the Gospel it pleased God to remove our habitation into the Country where we had not that privilege and after a while my Husband being in the Army it occasioned our
truth Another reason why many Saints were so deceived in those daies as I apprehend was That they being but newly come to the faith were expos'd to great temptations having but little means of strength against them it may be far from a Church or else in a Church where were false Teachers as in those dayes there were very many by reason of which many were deceived whereas others who were as weak if not weaker being in Churches where there were sound Teachers were kept from them which may be a caution as to particular persons to take heed what and whom they hear so to Churches who they permit to be Teachers and not to suffer any unsound doctrine to be taught It may also be a word of remembrance to all that do enjoy this great mercy to have sound and faithful Teachers highly to esteem them for their works sake and to account such worthy of double honour giving them all due respect and encouragement that they may do their work with joy and not with grief according to Hebrews 13. 17. 1 Thessal 5. 12 13. 1 Timothy 5. 17. Other reasons may be given for the Saints mistake in those things but I shall mention no more intending only my own experience For I can truly say that upon a diligent search and enquiry what might be the cause of my own mistakes I find them to be no other but these very things exprest As First I was weak in principles as indeed I had never been under much means to be otherwise Secondly I am conscious to my self of some extreme in minding truth as it relates to the inward man though truly I know not that I did slight any Ordinance or command of Christ but that I did rather highly esteem of them but not to lessen sin it is possible there may be something of that nature though I know it not Thirdly I am sure I was exposed to great temptations of this kind having little means of strength against them finding so many corrupted though through mercy it is better now that breach being made up with great advantage for which I desire with all Saints to praise the Lord for ever for doubtless the Saints advantage in their enlarged experience and confirmation in the truth is so great by these things that I cannot expres it Again it calls for praise that as the Lord hath turned it to our great advantage so he hath wonderfully disappointed the expectations of the devil and wicked men who were ready to say as in Psa 35. 25. All so would we have it verily concluding that though they could not suppress us by their persecuting power yet now we would destroy our selves as indeed we might have so done had not the Lord prevented and we may say it was the Lords doing and it is marvellous in our eyes And whereas some by reason of those things have been ready to question our practice whether it be of God Let them know that there is no ground from thence to question it seeing it is no more than what hath been in those Churches in the Apostles daies and what they did foretell should be in these daies 1 Corinth 15. 12. 1 Timothy 1. 19. 2 Timothy 2. 18. 2 Peter 2. 12. Acts 20. 30. But if it were a safe ground to judge of truth by what hath appeared in relation to those things then there is more ground of confirmation that what we practise is of God seeing that notwithstanding those things we have been so wonderfully preserved as we are unto this day but though these things may be something as to the ignorant yet yet the rule by which we judge of our practice is only as it hath its ground and rise in holy Scripture being built upon the foundation of the Apostles and Prophets Jesus Christ himself being the chief Corner Stone Therefore it hath never been any scruple at all to me for though some have denyed the Churches and turned their ears from hearing the truth and have turned to fables yet the Churches and truth is the same as God is the same Now as for the grounds or reasons why some of the Saints themselves have so done I shall say nothing because as I said before I intend no more but my own experience and through the mercy of God I was never so far corrupted as to question either the Scriptures Churches or Ordinances of Christ much less to withdraw from them or to give any just occasion to be withdrawn from by them yet notwithstanding I do not in the least question the reality of those poor souls who have been so far overcome and are through mercy again returned and as for such as never return I shall leave them to be judged by the Lord who only is the judge of those that are without 1 Cor. 5. 13. Having thus far considered of these allegorical notions how they are the worst of all errors and the greatest mystery of iniquity in that they are more deceiving than others promising the greatest good but leading directly to the greatest evil and having given some reasons as I judge why the Saints in these daies have been so generally deceived by them I shall further proceed to consider what may be the end of God in permitting it so to be First I conceive it may be in general that such as were approved may be made manifest agreeable to 1 Cor. 11. 9. which accordingly hath been many by those things were made manifest to be approved though others that were not have appeared to be what they are But Secondly and more particularly I believe the Lord had many good ends in it both in relation to himself in relation to them and in relation to others of his people it may be some that are yet unborn First In relation to himself for the exaltation of his praise that when they should come to see how great their deliverance was and what an addition to all their former mercies they might admire his goodness and break forth into the high praises of his name and that all the daies of their lives when this mercy comes into their thoughts For my own particular I can truly say that the mercy of God to me in relation to those things I look upon it as the greatest mercy that ever I received from the Lord next the manifestation of his Love in Jesus Christ through the Gospel But Secondly In relation to them so deceived that they should have enlarged experience of the fulness of God and of their own nothingness and of the sweetness and excellency of truth above error how it doth excell it as far as light excells darkness and live more upon God and less upon themselves in faith and humility and in the increase of all grace in more cleerness of understanding and knowledge of the Truth for doubtless through the goodness of the Lord who hath promised to do his people good by every thing they do gain by it in all these in some measure
for my own particular I must needs say though I am still but weak yet through mercy my gain by those things is so great that I would not be without it though I desire not to purchase any more at that rate Thirdly In relation to others that through their experience they might be the more able to forewarn others who may meet with the like temptations for certainly had the Saints in those daies had that experience of Satans workings in that nature which now they have and had the Mouth of truth been so open against it as it is at this day it would doubtless have prevented much and therefore by the way I must needs say I am perswaded it will be a great aggravation of sin for any to be taken or held by those things when there is so much means to avoid them as through the mercy of God there is in these daies almost in every place Now the Lord having these and other such like ends in permitting those things I desire that my self with others who have experienced them in any measure may be carefull to answer those ends for doubtless if our deliverance be of God and that we are cleerly brought off from those confusions we shall answer all those ends of God in some measure In the next place as to the way and means by which the Lord hath been pleased to recover his people from these things I shall say little because I believe it hath been various some by one means some by another as they were in various Conditions for my own particular I have declared at large how it was with me only these General heads I shall again remind First I was brought into great straits and much confusion in Judgement Secondly the Lord was pleased to withdraw his presence from me Thirdly Being sensible of that confusion and want of communion with God I was put upon enquiry into my own heart what might be the reasons of it Fourthly It pleased the Lord to make me willing to be informed and to examine things by the Scriptures Fifthly he was pleased to draw forth my heart with much earnestness to seek to him by prayer which through great mercy was largely answered And thus I doubt not but by what I have written it will appear that I have not without good grounds both from Scripture and experience Judged those things to be the greated mystery of iniquity and the most dangerous and worst of all errors And here I cannot but mind something further as to the continuation of those things which is as they are the worst of all others so their time is short for according to my most serious observation wherever they come and where they continue longest their rise reign and ruin is all accomplished in a few years for in a short time generally persons have been so confounded that they have either come to see themselves deluded and so have turned from them or else they have run to absolute Atheism and so ended there I shall now only answer one objection as to my own experience and so end this discourse Some have said that I cannot judge of these things by experience because according to what I have declared I never had but little experience of them but only in three or four things and those I could never fully come up to neither in Judgement nor practise neither could I leave these outward things which all must leave before they can see the glory of the inward And those that have not put themselves on such things but were led to them by the Father have and do see that glory This Objection hath specious words but weighed in the ballance of the Sanctuary will be found lighter than vanity with the rest of the like nature which I hope is already made manifest only I shall add a few words by way of Answer First for my Experience as to my self in particular I confess through the mercy of God it was far short of that which many precious ones in those daies fell into yet I can truly say it was so much as did cleerly discover to me the nature and tendency of them all to be so vile that I I do not know any thing that ever I did since I knew God that I can own with more shame to my self than those things Secondly for my experience as to others I have seen and known that sufficiently to satisfy me that there is no such glory in them but a meer delusion but I desire to judge by experience no otherwise than as it hath relation to the holy Scriptures for though I do very highly esteem of Christian experience as to the operations and effects of truth in the soul as indeed it is the very life of Christianity yet as to rule I value one word of Scripture more than all experience and I am sure the Scriptures will not own them which are the rule and touch-stone by which I desire to try and judge all things For that which the Scripture sets up they throw down and that which the Scripture forbids they set up for instance the Scripture exalts the Lord Jesus Christ in all his Actions Offices and Ordinances they set up somthing else in opposition to this calling it fleshly carnal and outward things and for the fathers leading persons to them which words carry indeed a seeming shew of excellency but it s a meer delusion There is no such thing for the Father and Christ are one and what was appointed by Christ was appointed by the Father John 10. 3. 14. 24. and he doth not lead from his own appointments but those that continue in them he will love and he will send his Spirit to them which shall abide with them for ever Joh. 14. 16. and the Father and Christ will come to them and make their abode with them verse 23. I having already written that which may more fully answer this objection shall say no more but desire that all the Lords people may be delivered and kept from such deceivings The sixt Note of Experience in relation to Qualifications the habits of Grace or fruits of the Spirit how and by what means I have and do daily find an increase or decrease in those things TO make way for me to lay down my thoughts as to gracious qualifications I shall first consider the severall kinds of qualifications which I conceive may be three 1. Moral 2. Legal 3. Gospel By Moral I mean such as are from Moral dictates meerly from nature Civility breeding or education By Legal I mean such as are from legal dictates meerly from fear of wrath without any cleer apprehensions of the free grace of God in the Gospel But here I desire to be very tender judging that it is possible there may be some seeds of the Gospell sowen in such hearts by which those qualifications may be wrought though as yet it may not appear neither to themselves nor others that they have received