the strength of his experience and judgment in a burning heat calling excessively for drinke yet his understanding active quicke of apprehension wittie in discourse above his ordinary manner and judiciously opposite his friends laboured him by all faire meanes to receive some nourishment which he obstinately gaine-saying they forcibly infused some liquid sustenance into his mouth most of which he spit out againe exceedingly chafing and in this fretting mood of his said As it is true that all things worke for the best to those that love God so to the wicked all are contrary for whereas a plentifull off-spring is the blessing of God and his reward being a stay to the weak estate of their aged parents to me they are a cause of bitternesse and vexation they doe strive to make mee tire out this misery I would faine be at an end I deserve not this dealing at their hands O that I were gone from hence that some body would let out this weary Soule His friends saluted him and asked him what hee conceived to be the cause of his disease forthwith he brake out into a lamentable discourse of the passages formerly related that with such passionate Elocution that hee caused many to weep most to tremble They contrarily to comfort him propounded many of Gods promises recorded in the Scripture and many examples of Gods mercy My sinne said he is greater then the mercy of God Nay answered they the mercy of God is above all sin God would have all men to be saved It is true quoth he hee would have all that he hath elected â—bee sâ—aved he would not have damned reprobates to be saved I am one of that number I know it for I willingly and against my knowledge denied Christ and I feele that hee hardens and will not suffer me to hope After some silence one asked him whether hee did not beleeve that Doctrine to bee true for which hee was accused before the Legate hee answered I did beleeve it when I denied it but now I neither beleeve that nor the Doctrine of the Romane Church I beleeve nothing I have no faith no trust no hope I am a Reprobate like Cain or Iudas who casting away all hope of mercy fell into despaire and my friends doe mee great wrong that they suffer me not to goe to the place of unbeleevers as I justly deserve Heere they beganne sharpely to rebuke him requiring and charging him that in any wise hee did not violate the mercy of God to which he answered The mercy of God is exceeding large and extends to all the elect but not to mee or any like to mee who are sealed up to wrath I tell you I deserve it my owne conscience condemnes me what needeth any other Iudge Christ came said they to take away sinne and calling for a book they read unto him the passion of Christ and comming to his nayling to the Crosse Spira said This indeed is comfortable to such as are elected but as for me wretch they are nothing but griefe and torment because I contemned them Thus roaring for griefe tossing himself up downe upon the bed as he lay he intreated them to read no more As Gribauldus was comming to see him Vergerius said to Spira deare Sir heere is Doctor Gribauldus a godly and faithfull friend of yours come to see you He is welcome said he but hee shall find mee ill Gribauldus replyed Sir this is but an illusion of the divell who doth what he can to vexe you but turne you to God with your whole heart and he is ready to shew you mercy the earth you know is full of his mercy it is He that hath said that as often as a sinner repents of his sinne hee will remember his sinnes no more Consider this in the example of Peter that was Christs familiar and an Apostle and yet denied him thrice with an oath and yet God was mercifull unto him consider the theefe that spent his whole life in wickednesse and for all that did not God graciously respect him in the last minute of his life Is the Lords hand now shortned that it cannot save to this Spira answered If Peter grieved and repented it was because Christ beheld him with a mercifull eye and in that he was pardoned it was not because hee wept but because God was gracious to him but God respects not me and therefore I am a reprobate I feel no comfort can enter into my heart there is no place there but onely for torments and vexings of spirit I tell you my case is properly mine own no man ever was in the like plight and therefore my estate is fearefull Then roaring out in the bitternesse of his spirit said It is a fearefull thing to fall into the hands of the living God the violence of his passion and action sutable did amaze many of the beholders insomuch as some of them said with a whispering voyce that he was possessed hee over-hearing it said Doe you doubt it I have a whole Legion of divels that take up their dwellings within mee and possesse me as their owne and justly too for I have denyed Christ Whether did you that willingly or not said they That is nothing to the purpose said Spira Christ saith whosoever denies mee before men him will I deny before my Father which is in Heaven Christ will not bee denied no not in word and therefore it is enough though in heart I never denied him They observing his distemper to arise from the sense and horror of the paines of hell asked him whether he thought there were worse paines then what he endured for the present he said that he knew there were far worse paines then those that hee then suffered for the wicked shall rise to their judgement but they shall not stand in Iudgement this I tremble to thinke of yet doe I desire nothing more then that I might come to that place where I may bee sure to feele the worst and to be freed from feare of worse to come I but you are to consider said one that those opinions for which you were accused before the Legate were impious and therefore you are not to thinke you denied Christ but rather that you confessed him acknowledging the infallible truth of the Catholike Church Truly said he when I did denie those opinions I did think them to be true yet I did deny them Goe to said others now then beleeve that they are not Now I cannot said hee God will not suffer mee to beleeve them nor trust in his mercy What would you have mee doe I would faine attaine to this power but cannot though I should presently be burnt for it But why doe you said the other esteeme this so grievous a sinne when as the learned Legate constrained you to it which hee surely would not have done if your former opinions had not beene Erroneous no good Francis the divell besets thee let not
therefore the grievousnesse of thy sin if anie such be amaze thee You say right replyed he the divell hath possest mee and God hath left me to his power for I finde I can neither beleeve the Gospel nor trust in Gods mercie I have sinned against the holy Ghost and God by his immutable Decree hath bound mee over to perpetuall punishment without anie hope of pardon It is true that the greatnesse of sin or the multitude of them cannot bind Gods mercie all those manie sins that in the former part of my life I have committed then did not so much trouble mee for I trusted that God would not lay them to my charge but now having sinned against the holy Ghost God hath taken away from me all power of repentance now brings all my sins to remembrance and thus guiltie of one guiltie of all And therefore it is no matter whether my sinnes be great or small few or many they are such as Christ's bloud nor Gods mercie belongs to mee God will have mercie on whom hee will have mercie and whom he will he hardneth this is it that gnaws my heart hee hath hardned mee and I finde that he daily more and more doth harden mee and therefore I am out of hope I feele it and therefore cannot but despaire I tell you there was never such a monster as I am never was man alive a spectacle of so exceeding misery I knew that justification is to be expected by Christ and I denied and abjured it to the end I might keepe this fraile life from adversitie and my children from povertie and now behold how bitter this life is to mee and God only knowes what shall become of this my family but surely no good is likely to betide it but rather daily worse and worse and such a ruin at the length as that one stone shall not be left on another But why should you said Gribauldus conceit so deepely of your sinne seeing you cannot but know that manie have denied Christ yet never fell into despaire Well said hee I can see no ground of comfort for such neither can I warrant them from Gods revēging hand in wrath though it pleaseth God yet to suffer such to bee in peace and besides there will a time of change come and then they shall be throughly tryed and if it were not so yet God is just in making mee an Example to others and I cannot justly complain there is no punishment so great but I have deserved it for this so heinous offence I assure you it is no small matter to denie Christ and yet it is more ordinary then commonly men doe conceive of it is not a deniall made before a Magistrate as it is with mee for as often as a Christian doth dissemble the knowne truth as often as hee approves of false worship by presenting himselfe at it so often as hee doth not things worthy of his calling or such things as are unworthy of his calling so often hee denies Christ thus did I and therefore am justly punished for it Your estate quoth Gribauldus is not so strange as you make it Iob was so farre gone that hee complained God had set him as a marke against him and David that was a man after Gods owne heart complained often that God had forsaken him and was become his enemy yet both received comfort againe comfort your selfe therefore God will come at length though hee now seeme farre off O Brother answered Spira I beleeve all this the divels beleeve and tremble but David was ever elected and dearely beloved of God and though he fell yet God tooke not utterly away his holy Spirit and therefore was heard when he prayed Lord take not thy holy Spirit from mee but I am in another case being ever accursed from the presence of God neither can I pray as he did because his holy Spirit is quite gone and cannot be recalled therefore I know I shall live in continuall hardnesse so long as I live O that I might feele but the least sense of the love of God to mee though but for one small moment as I now feele his heavie wrath that burnes like the torments of hell within mee and afflicts my Conscience with pangs unutterable verily desperation is hell it selfe Heere Gribauldus said I doe verily beleeve Spira that God having so severely chastised you in this life correcteth you in mercie heere that he may spare you hereafter and that he hath mercies sealed up for you in time to to come Nay said Spira hence doe I know that I am a reprobate because he afflicteth mee with hardnesse of heart Oh that my body had suffered all my life long so that hee would bee pleased to release my soule and ease my Conscience this burthened Conscience Gribauldus being desirous to ease his minde from the continuall meditation of his sinne as also to sound how for the present he stood affected to the Romish Church asked him what hee thought became of the soules of men so soone as they departed out of the bodie to which hee answered Although this bee not so fully revealed in Scripture yet I verily beleeve that the soules of the Elect goe presently to the Kingdome of glory and not that sleep with the bodie as some doe imagine Verie well said one of the spectators why doe the Scriptures then say that God brings downe to hell and raiseth up seeing it cannot be meant of the estate of the soule after death which as thou sayest either goeth to heaven without change or to hell without redemption it must be understood of the estate of the soule in this life like that wherein thou art at this present and oftentimes wee see that God suffers men to fall into the jawes of despaire and yet raiseth them up again and therefore despaire not but hope it shall bee even thus with thee in his good time This is the worke quoth Spira this the labour for I tell you when I at Venice did first abjure my profession and so as it were drew an Indenture the Spirit of God often admonisht mee and when at Cittadella I did as it were set to my seale the Spirit of God often suggested to mee Doe not write Spira do not seale yet I resisted the Holy Ghost and did both and at that very present I did evidently feele a wound inflicted in my very will so although I can say I would beleeve yet can I not say I will beleeve God hath denied mee the power of will and it befalls mee in this my miserable estate as with one that is fast in irons and his friends comming to see him doe pitie his estate and doe perswade him to shake off his setters and to come out of his bonds which God knows hee would faine doe but cannot this is my very case you perswade me to beleeve how faine would I doe it but cannot O now I cannot Then violently grasping his hands together and raising
himselfe up Behold said he I am strong yet by little and little I decay and consume and my servants would faine preserve this weary life but at length the will of God must be done and I shall perish miserably as I deserve rejoyce yee righteous in the Lord blessed are you whose hearts the Lord hath mollified Then after some pause It is wonderfull I earnestly desire to pray to God with my heart yet I cannot I see my damnation and I know my remedy is onlie in Christ yet I cannot set my selfe to laie hold on it such are the punishments of the damned they confesse what I confesse they repent of their losse of heaven they envie the Elect yet their repentance doth them no good for they cannot mend their waies As he was thus speaking hee observed divers flies that came about him and some lighted on him Behold said hee now also Belzebub comes to his banquet you shall shortly see my end and in mee an example to manie of the justice judgement of God About this time came in two Bishops with divers Schollers of the Vniversity one of them being Paulus Vergerius having observed Spira more then any other beeing continually conversant with him told him his estate was such as rather stood in need of Prayer then advice and therefore desired him to pray with him in the Lords Prayer Spira consented and he began Our Father which art in heaven then breaking forth into teares he stopped but they said it is well your griefe is a good signe I bewaile said he my miserie for I perceive I am forsaken of God and cannot call to him from my heart as I was wont to doe yet let us goe on said Vergerius Thy Kingdome come O Lord said Spira bring mee also into this Kingdome I beseech thee shut mee not out Then comming to those words Give us this day our daily bread he added O Lord I have enough and abundance to feed this carkeise of mine but there is another bread I humbly begge the bread of thy grace without which I know I am but a dead man Leade us not into temptation seeing Lord that I am brought into temptation helpe mee Lord that I may escape the enemie hath overcome helpe mee I beseech thee to overcome this cruell Tyrant These things hee spake with a mournfull voyce the teares trickling down abundantly and expressing such affection and passion as turned the bowels of those there present with griefe and compunction they then turning to Spira said You know that none can call Christ Iesus the Lord but by the Holie Ghost you must therefore think of your selfe according to that soft affection which you expresse in your prayers inferring thereby that God hath not wholly cast you off or bereaved you of his Spirit utterly I perceive said Spira that I call on him to my eternall damnation for I tell you againe it is a new and unheard of example that you finde in me If Iu das said they had but outlived his dayes which by nature hee might have done hee might have repented and Christ would have received him to mercie and yet hee sinned most grievously against his Master which did so esteeme of him as to honour him with the dignitie of an Apostle and did maintaine and feed him Hee answered Christ did also feed and honour mee neither yet is my fault one jot lesse then that of his because it is not more honour to bee personally present with Christ in the flesh then to bee in his presence now by illumination of his holy Spirit and besides I denie that ever Iudas could have repented how long soever he had lived for grace was quite taken from him as it is now from mee O Spira said they you know you are in a spirituall desertion you must therefore not beleeve what Satan suggests hee was ever a lyar from the beginning and a meere Impostour and will cast a thousand lying fancies into your minde to beguile you withall you must rather beleeve those whom you judge to be in a good estate and more able to discerne of you then your selfe beleeve us and wee tell you that God will be mercifull unto you O here is the knot said Spira I would I could beleeve But I cannot Then he began to reckon up what fearefull dreames and visions hee was continually troubled withall that hee saw the divels come flocking into his Chamber and about his bed terrifying him with strange noises that these were not fancies but that hee saw them as really as the standers by and that besides these outward terrours hee felt continually a racking torture of his minde and a continuall butchery of his conscience being the very proper pangs of the damned wights in hell Cast these fancies said Gribauldus these are but illusions humble your selfe in the presence of God and praise him The dead praise not the Lord answered he nor they that goe down into the pit wee that are drowned in despaire are dead and are already gone downe into the pit what hell can there be worse then desperation or what greater punishment the gnawing worme unquenchable fire horrour confusion and which is worse then all desperation it selfe continually tortures me and now I count my present estate worse then if my soule separated from my body were with Iudas and the rest of the damned and therefore I now desire rather to be there then thus to live in the body One being present repeated certaine words out of the Psalmes If thy children forsake my law and walk not in my judgments I will visite their transgressions with rods and their iniquities with stripes neverthelesse my loving kindnesse I will not utterly take from them nor suffer my faithfulnesse to faile Marke this O Spira my Covenant I will not breake These promises said Spira belong onely to the elect which if tempted may fall into sin but are againe lifted up and recovered out as the Prophet saith though he fall he shall not be utterly cast downe for the Lord uphouldeth him Therefore Peter could rise for he was Elected but the reprobate when they fall cannot rise againe as appeares in Cain Saule and Iudas God deales one way with the Elect and another way with Reprobates The next day hee prayed with them in the Latine tongue and that with excellent affection as outwardly appeared blessed bee God said Vergerius these are no signes of eternall reprobation you must not O Spira seeke out the secret counsels of Gods election and reprobation for no man can know so long as hee lives whether by his good or bad deeds hee bee worthy of Gods love or anger doe you not know that the Prophet David complained that God had cast off his Soule I know all this quoth Spira I know the mercies of God are infinite and doe surpasse the sinnes of the whole world and that they are effectuall to all that beleeve but this faith and this hope is the