that I should shed those teares did shew me fauour enough for his part since I forgot the sense and tendernes thereof so soone And I recommended my self to that glorious Saint that she might help me to obtaine pardon of my Sinnes But I conceaue that I profited the more in that last time vvhen I prayed before the Picture because then I vvas growne into very great distrust of my self and placed all my confidence in Almightie God To my thinking I told him then that I vvould neuer rise from thence till he granted me the humble Suite which I had made and I am fully of opinion that it did me good for I haue gone improuing much euer since that time Now I continued to hold this manner of Prayer because not being able to discourse with my Vnderstanding I procured to represent Christ our Lord to my minde as being then within my verie self and Ieuer also found it to proue better with me in my opinion when I conceaued my self to find him all alone For he being alone and I being so much afflicted me thought he was to admitt me yea and to assist me too as a person who was in necessitie and miserie Of this kind of Simplicities I had manie and in particular I vsed to find my self very well in the Prayer of the Garden yea and I was in my kingdome when I might accōpanie him there I thought also much vpon that Sweat togeather with the great affliction which he sustained then and I wished that I might haue been permitted to wipe that most painefull Sweat from his face but I remember how in fine I neuer durst resolue to presume to doe it so grieuously did my Sinnes represent themselues to me Howsoeuer I remained there by him as long as my thoughts would giue me leaue but the truth is I had store of such as tormented me Most nights during manie yeares before I went to rest and when I was recommending my self to God ere I slept I euer thought a little vpon this passage of his Prayer in the Garden and that euen before I was a Religious woeman for they told me that I might gaine manie Indulgences by it and at least I am of opinion that my Soule got much by this meanes because thus I beganne to make Mentall Prayer euen without expresly knowing what it was and then it was as vsuall for me not to omitt this custome as not to faile of blessing my self with the Signe of the Crosse before sleep But to returne to what I was saying of the torment which my thoughts were wont to giue me This māner of proceeding without discourse of the Vnderstāding hath this in it That the Soule must both gaine much and loose much I meane all consideration and discourse is lost for as for profiting they profit much who vse it since all such Prayer is Loue. But to ariue to this point pitch it will cost euerie bodie a great deale of paines except such as our Lord vouchsafes to conduct in a short time to Quiet Prayer of which kind I know some and for them who goe by this way it will be good to haue some Booke or other at hand that so they may recollect themselues quickly As for me it did me also good to looke vpon Fields or Flowers or Water for in these things did I find the memorie of our Creatour as I also did in mine owne ingratitude and Sinnes all which particulars were wont to awake me and recollect me and to serue me in stead of a Booke for as for Heauen and such high things as that my Vnderstāding was so dull that I could neuer I say neuer be able to haue or frame anie imagination or fancie concerning them till our Lord represented them to me by other meanes And I had so very little abilitie to represent things to my minde by way of the vnderstanding-part that my Imagination serued me not to worke vpon anie thing but only what I saw with mine eyes which yet others are able enough to doe who know how to forme certaine representations of things to themselues vpon which they can recollect their thoughts For my part I could only thinke vpon Christ our Lord as man but yet it is very true that how much soeuer I read of his Beautie or saw his Pictures yet could I neuer represent him to my self but iust so as one who were either in the darke or els stark blind might be able at that verie time to represent anie other person to himself For though such an one may speake with such another know that he is with that person because he is sure that the sayd person is there yet in fine he doth but vnderstand and belieue him to be there for he sees him not and in this sort did it happen to me when I thought of our Lord. Vpon this reason was I so great a friend and fauourer of the vse of Images or holie Pictures Miserable Creatures are they who loose this benefit through their owne fault And it appeares also well enough that they doe not loue our Lord for if they loued him they would be glad to see his Picture as heer it giues vs contentment so see the pictures of those persons whome we loue About this time they gaue me the Confessions of S. Augustin and it seems our Lord did so ordaine it for neither did I procure them nor had I euer seen them I bare a very great affection to this Saint because the Monasterie where I liued before I grew to be Religious was of his Order and besides in regard that he had been a Sinner for I alwaies found particular comfort in those Saints who after hauing been Sinners were conuerted to our Lord as conceauing that I should haue help by their meanes and that our Lord might also be induced to forgiue me as he had done them Saue only that I was discomforted by this consideration as I haue sayd before that our Lord called them but once and they returned not to fall from him anie more but as for me I had falne so often that it afflicted me to the verie hart But yet still when I considered the loue he bore me I grew to be encouraged againe for I neuer distrusted his mercie though I doubted of my self very often O my deare Lord how mightily doth that obstinate stiffnes amaze me to which my Soule must needs haue been subiect whilst it receaued so manie helps at thy hand and all in vaine And it strikes me with much feare to consider how little I was able to winne vpon my self all that while and how I remained still bound vp from resoluing to giue my self vvholy to thee But vvhen once I beganne to read the sayd Confessions me thought that Case vvhich had been his vvas also now directly mine owne and I recommended my self much to that glorious Saint But vvhen I came aftervvard to his Conuersion and read hovv he heard that Voice
high and abstracted Nature of the verie Contents of the Booke Partly through the great length of the Periods Partly through the multitude sometimes of Parenthesis euen in the same sentēce Partly through her forbearing to vse those Particles in the beginning of the said Sentences as namelie For But Yet Therefore and the like vvithout vvhich it is not alwayes so easie to discerne whether the Discourse be either continued or interrupted or ended and partlie cheiflie by the ill printing and vvorse pointing of all the Spanish Coppyes vvhich I could euer come to see All vvhich I am faine to alleadge by vvay of an humble excuse for vvhatsoeuer errour I may haue inuoluntarilie committed in this case But howsoeuer I heer present it to the glorie of Almightie God to the praise of this Excellent Saint and to the consolation of these Children of hers vvho are no lesse then a kind of counterpoise to the miserie of the times vvherein vvee liue But now as soone as I had translated the Worke a certaine vvise vvorthie man my freind tooke knowledge of it and desired mee by a verie earnest letter of his to vsher this Booke into the vvorld vvith a Preface of mine owne vvhich might open the Readers eye the more easilie to behold the Saint vvhen she followed and so also to giue some notice of her Children who are following her And though I alleadged my reasons why this might be lesse necessarilie done yet still he vrged me to it and so I made his Will mine owne and accordinglie shall speake a few of my thoughts I say some few of my thoughts For whosoeuer hath studied the person of the Glorious S. Teresa vvell vvill find so much to say as if he haue a minde to say all he may doe vvel not to beginne since it vvill neuer be in his power to make an end such a full sea is this excellent Saint of all perfection vvhich hath neither Bottome nor Brimme I vvill therefore say verie little of her heer and that shall cheiflie tend to let you see how highlie this Life vvich vvas vvritten by the Saint her selfe is authorised and hovv punctuallie it deserues to be beleiued forasmuch as may any vvay concerne the truth of the Historicall part thereof as also the excellencie of the Order vvhich she both Reformed and Erected But for the present you may first be pleased to consider that vvee find the Liues of Saints to be vvritten by three seuerall kindes of persons For some are deliuered by men who are onlie eminēt in the Historicall vvay and they deserue to be esteemed and beleiued for the merit of that worth which shall appeare vvhatsoeuer it fall-out to be The second sort is vvhen the Writers are not onlie vvorthie Men but are withall so great Seruants of Almightie God as to be acknowledged by the Christian vvorld for Saints as S. Athanasius vvho vvrote the Life of S. Anthonie S. Epiphanius of seuerall Prophets S. Hierome of S. Paul and S. Hilarion both of them Heremits S. Gregorie the Great of S. Bennet S. Bonauenture of the Humble and Admired S. Francis and the like who deserue a farre higher credit then the former in regard that the vvriters were Saints The Third is when Saints themselues vvrite their owne Liues as the Incomparable S. Augustin did a great part of his in the Diuine Booke of his Confessions vpon the excesse admiration wherein he vvas at the vnspeakable Mercie of Almightie God for remouing all the miseries of his Soule And the Relations of such Liues as these are incomparably of the most credit of all For first no bodie knowes so vvell vvhat passes concerning a man as himself And Saints are verie farre from saying anie thing vvhich is not exactlie true and especiallie if the Saints be such as that they be also endued vvith verie great naturall parts of Witt and Memorie and Iudgement forasmuch as concernes the Braine or Vnderstanding as they vvill be sure to be vvith Truth and Sinceritie Candour forasmuch as may concerne the Hart or Will For as these Morall parts vvill keep them from deceauing others so the Intellectuall vvill secure them from being deceaued themselues and vvill make them define and diuide and suspect and doubt and aske before they fullie resolue to beleiue much more before they vvill publish things to the vvorld And now as the Incomparable S. Augustin vvas called by the consideration of his owne great Sinnes and God's greater Mercies to declare his Life in the neuer enough admired Booke of his Confessions so also did the Glorious S. Teresa the self same thing in effect in this Booke but by direction of her Ghostlie Father Not yet that he did so much as incline her to publish her owne imperfections and sinnes nay rather he did the direct contrarie but onlie to declare her Forme of Prayer togeather vvith the Fauours vvhich our Lord imparted to her therein But novv she vpon that occasion vvould needs make her owne Processe in view of the World shew as incident to the rest hovv ill she had complyed vvith Almightie God from time to time And by this meanes doth she in effect vveaue that great peice of rich Cloth-of-gold and Tislue vvhich concernes almost the Historie of her vvhole Life and novv the same is hungout abroad to the vievv of the vvorld But yet amongst all the excellencies thereof there is one thing vvhich displeases manie vvorthie vvise holie men or at least vvhich pleases them lesse then the rest And it is that vvhensoeuer there is anie question at all of her self in order either to Vertue or Vice she vvould neuer trust her ovvne eyes though they vvere so cleare and good as the vvorld knovves but shee resolued to vvorke vvith Perspectiue-Glasses of different yea euen contrarie kindes For vvhen she described her Vertues she serued her self of a Diminishing-glasse which made them seem so little as to be no more then a kind of Nothing But on the other side when she gaue account of her Imperfections she vvould by no meanes know them by anie other name then of Vices and Sinnes because she tooke a Multiplying-Glasse to her self for feare least els those Mole-hills should not seem Mountaines Novv in the strength of this vvel-meaning and holie kind of errour which she incurred if anie errour may vvell deserue so indulgent a name she gaue her self too great scope if the Reader vvould needs take her at her vvord to violate her ovvne excellent fame by certaine too venturous dashes of her penn vvhich vvas driuen too too hastily on by the impulse of a kind of inordinate Humilitie In such sort as that if a bodie vvere disposed to trust his eyes alone vvithout his reason he might be easilie dravvne to passe a verie erroneous Iudgement vpon her Soule For she vvill tell you in tvventie places of this Booke What a grieuous Sinner she vvas What a multitude of great sinnes she had in her conceipt committed
what I was before And this doe I intreat your Reuerence that you will beg of our B. Lord for me since you know with more clearnes what I am then heer you haue giuen me leaue to expresse THE ELEAVENTH CHAPTER She declares in vvhat the fault consists of not obtaining to loue God vvith perfectiō in short time She beginnes to deliuer it by a Comparison vvhich containes Foure degrees of Prayer And she treats heer of the First vvhich is very profitable for beginners and for them also vvho haue no sensible delight or gust in Prayer NOw to speake of them who beginne to be Seruants of our Blessed Lord for Loue and to me it seemes to be nothing els to resolue to follow him by this way of Prayer who loued vs so much I find it to be a thing of so great dignitie that I regale my self after a strange manner euen by the very thought thereof For seruile feare will instantly flye away if we carrie ourselues as we ought in this first degree of Prayer O thou Lord of my Soule and my eternall Good how comes it to passe that when a Soule resolues to loue thee and to doe the vttermost she can to leaue all this world that so she may the better employ her self vpon this loue of thee thou art not pleased that she should instantly enjoy the getting vp to possesse this perfect loue But I haue sayd ill for I ought indeed to haue sayd that I complaine against our selues because it is wee who will not possesse it since all the fault is ours for not instantly obtaining this true loue of God with perfection which carries all kindes of blessings in company thereof For the matter is that we set so high a price vpon our selues and we are withall so slow in giuing our harts totally to God that as his Diuine Maiestie on the one side will not permitt that we should enioy so pretious a thing without paying well for it so on the other we neuer make an end of disposing our selues therein as we ought I am able to see well enough that there is nothing at all in this world with which so great a treasure can be bought but yet if we did indeed what we could by not fastning our selues to anie thing of this world but that all our cares and considerations were sent-vp to Heauen I am confident that this blessing would be imparted to vs with very great speed if speedily and entirely as I was saying we disposed our selues to the receauing thereof as some Saints haue done But the miserie is that we thinke we giue God all and the truth is that we offer his Diuine Maiestie but the yearlie Rents or Reuenues and Fruits our selues remaining still with the rootes and possession of the Land We resolue to make our selues poore for God's sake and it is a point of great merit to doe so but yet we returne manie times to take care and to vse diligences enow that nothing may be wanting to vs I say not of that which is necessarie but sometimes also euen of that which is superfluous and to be procuring also to make friends who may help vs to it and so put vs still into more care yea perhaps into more danger too that so we may grow to want nothing then euen we had before when we were the possessours of our owne estates It seemes also that when we came to be Religious or as soone as we beganne to lead a Spirituall life and to aspire towards perfection we gaue-ouer to care for the honour of this world and yet as soone as euer anie Creature beginns but to touch vs in that kind we forget that we had already giuen it away to Almightie God and we resolue sometimes to snatch it againe out of his hands and runne away with it euen after we seemed to haue voluntarily made him the entire Lord therof And iust thus doth it also happen sometimes in other things Now this indeed is a very delicate fine foolish ridiculous way of seeking the loue of Almightie God when togeather with this pretence we will as a man may say haue our hands still full of the same imperfect inclinations and affections vvhich vve had before since vve doe not procure indeed to effect our owne former good desires and still vve endeauour not at length to raise them vvholy vp from the earth and yet vve vvill needs expect the while to enioy manie Spirituall comforts and delights But this seemes not to be of a Suite nor doth the one Stuffe sitt well vvith the other and therefore because vve vvill not once resolue to giue our selues totally vp to Almightie God vve come not totally to enioy this Treasure And I pray God it may please his Diuine Maiestie to vouchsafe to grant it to vs though it should be but by drop and drop and though it should grovv to cost vs all the labours and troubles of the vvhole vvorld A very great deale of mercie doth our Blessed Lord shevv to that person to vvhome he giues the firme purpose and grace to resolue vpon procuring this blessing vvith all his power for certainly if such an one shall perseuer Almightie God vvill deny himself to no Creature but will by little and little goe enabling that Soule in such sort as that at length it shall find it self to be victorious But I sayd that the Partie must haue courage because the Diuel doth ordinarily in the beginnings dispose himself to represent yea and frame very great difficulties to the end that so we may not hold-on this way in good earnest as one who knowes very vvell vvhat preiudice is like to grovv to him by it not only through his loosing the Soule of that Partie but of manie others also if he vvho beginns to serue God endeauour once by his fauour to ariue to the perfection therof For I belieue that such an one will neuer goe alone to Heauen but will carrie very manie with him and that like a good Captaine he shall finde that God will giue him a faire Companie So that since the Diuel will be sure to lay such dangers and difficulties in his way there will be need of very great courage and resolution to keep one from running away yea and also there vvill be need of much and much and very much fauour and mercie of Almightie God for this purpose Now therefore to speake of the beginnings of such as be already resolued to goe in search after so great a blessing and to obtaine vvhat they aspire to in the end for as for that vvhereof I vvas going once to speake concerning Mysticall Theologie for so I thinke it is called I vvill treat thereof afterward the great and greatest trouble consists euer in these verie beginnings For those are they which cost most when a Soule comes to giue our Lord the whole Stock And in the other degrees of Prayer which follow the most part of that which passes is
my self hauing receiued so great Fauours from Almightie God could euer procure to come to Mentall Prayer and that for me it would suffice if I sayd those Vocall Prayers to which I was bound as others did but that since now I did not euen thus much well what sense was there that I should pretend to doe more and that this was to expresse little reuerence to Almightie God and to vnderualue his Fauours It was fitt to thinke and know all this but to put it in execution had been extreamly ill done And be thou Blessed O Lord who broughtst me the remedie For this temptation seems to haue been no lesse then a beginning to that other which the Diuel brought vpon Iudas but that Traitour the Diuel durst not tempt me so openly but would faine haue come by little and little to set vpon me as he did vpon him And now for the loue of our Lord let all them who vse Mentall Prayer consider that which followes very well Let them know that during the time when I forbore it my life was much worse then before And let it be well considered what a fine kind of remedie the Diuel brought me and what a daintie ridiculous Humilitie it must be which could fill me with so deep a disquiet For indeed how could this Soule of mine appease it self The ignorant foolish Creature went away as fast as she could from her true repose and rest She had her Fauours and Regalo's present to her memorie and she found that the contentments of this world were so loathsome as euen almost to prouoke a Vomit But I am amazed how I could endure it though belike it was with some kind of hope that at the worst hand I might be able to remaine free from Sinne for I neuer as I remember though yet it be now more then one twentie yeares agoe gaue-ouer a being resolued to returne to Prayer But O how ill-grounded and addressed was this hope of mine For the Diuel would faine haue turned me ouer till the Day of Iudgement that so from thence he might conduct me to Hell But yet now afterward I frequenting Prayer Reading which was indeed the way to see reall Truths looking downe vpon that wicked course which I was holding and often importuning our Blessed Lord with manie teares I was yet so very wretched that I knew not by anie meanes how to help my self But then againe on the other side I growing to giue-ouer these good things and employing my self vpon certaine idle pastimes and exposing my self to manie occasions of ill and enioying very few helps and I may rather venture to say none at all but only such as might help mee to fall for what might I euer hope but what I haue sayd I beleiue that a certaine Religious man of S. Dominick's Order who was very learned hath great merit in the sight of God for he awaked me out of this sleep And he made me as I thinke I haue already expressed receaue the B. Sacrament euerie Forthnight And so my miserie being then not altogeather so great I beganne to come back againe into my self though yet withall I forbore not to commit some offences against our Lord. But because I had not lost my way I went still on with falling rising though yet but by little and little And he who neuer giues-ouer to goe forward will ariue at length by going softly though it be late For my part I conceaue that for a Soule to loose her way and to leaue her Prayer is indeed but one and the self same thing and our Lord deliuer vs from it for his owne Mercies sake It is heervpon to be inferred and I desire euen for the loue of our Lord that it may be much obserued that although a Soule shall come to such passe as that our Lord may doe her great Fauours in Prayer she must not yet be confident of her self since she may yet come to fall againe And let her not by anie meanes expose her self to occasions of Sinne. Let her be carefull to consider thus much for the deceipt of which the Diuel is wont to serue himself in this occasion is very great For though the Fauour which was imparted to the Soule were most certainly from Almightie God yet the Traytour will not faile to serue himself of that verie Fauour in whatsoeuer he can and especially for the disaduantage of persons who are not strong in vertue and mortification nor are absolutly vntyed and loose from all things belonging to this world For men in fine must know that they are not by meanes of this Prayer sufficiently strengthned and fortifyed as I will declare afterward for the putting themselues into occasions and dangers how great desires and resolutions soeuer they may haue This is an excellent Doctrine and it is not mine but taught by Almightie God himself and so I shall be glad that all ignorant persons like me may learne it For though a Soule be neuer so high in this State yet must she not trust her self so farre as to goe out to combat but she will haue acquitted her self well if she can defend her self So that in this State and condition it will be necessarie for her to carrie Defensiue Armes against the Diuel for yet she hath not strength enough wherewith to assault him and much lesse to tread him vnder foot as yet they will be able to doe who shall find themselues in that State whereof I will discourse afterward But this is that deuise and cosening-Trick whereby the Diuel is wont to take vs That when once he sees a Soule ariue to be so very neare to our Lord and which can iudge so very well of the difference between the blessings which belong to this life and the next and of the Loue which our Lord beares to that Soule from this very Loue he makes such a kind of confidence and securitie grow as that she shall neuer forsooth be able to fall from that which she is enioying at that time And she also seemes there-vpon to eye her reward so very clearly that she is easily brought to hold it euen impossible for her to quitt that which is so very delightfull and gustfull euen in this life for so base and filthie a thing as worldlie pleasure is Now by meanes of this vaine confidence doth the Diuel grow to depriue her of the distrust which otherwise she would haue of her owne strength and thus she exposes her self as I was saying to danger and beginnes with a foolish kind of good zeale to be giuing the Fruits of her Garden away to others without anie limits as beleiuing now that she hath no more cause so to be afrayd concerning her self and that this is not forsooth out of pride for the Soule vnderstands well enough that she is able to doe nothing of her self but through the much confidence which she hath in Almightie God Yet all this is without discretion because
the effects whensoeuer the Soule hath Light for manie times as I haue sayd our Lord is pleased that it should remaine in darknes and not see this Light and therefore it is not so strange a busines which so wicked a Creature as my self may come to see On the other side it is but euen now that it hath hapned to me to be eight dayes in such a case as that I seemed neither to haue knowledge of what I owe to Almightie God not yet anie memorie of his Fauours but only that my Soule was euen halfe besotted and estranged and employed vpon I know not what nor how Not yet vpon anie ill thoughts but I was so very vntoward in respect of good ones that I did euen as it were laugh at my self and tooke a kind of gust to see the great basenes of a Soule whensoeuer our Lord vouchsafes not to be working in it But she yet vnderstands very well that she is not without possessing him euen in this State for it is not as I haue formerly sayd as it vses to be in our great afflictions but though we bring wood thither and doe also all that verie little which we are able to doe on our part there is yet no such thing in the world as the kindling at that time of anie fire of the loue of our Lord in our harts And it is no small mercie of his that we can so much as find that there is anie smoake for at least we know thereby that she is not dead and our Lord returnes to kindle it againe afterward But then this Soule of ours though we breake our verie heads in blowing and wearie our selues also otherwise in ordering and composing the wood seemes to be in such a condition as that euerie thing serues to choake vs the more And so I thinke the best of our case to be then to render our selues wholy vp and to know that we are able to doe nothing of our selues and then to apply our endeauours to the doing of some externall meritorious things Yea and perhaps our Blessed Lord is pleased to take Prayer from vs at that time to the end that the Soule may exercise her self in those other actions and so vnderstand at length by good experience how little she was able to doe of her self But now I haue this verie day regaled my Soule with our Lord and presumed to complaine to his Diuine Maiestie euen against himself to this effect How comes it to passe O my God that it seemes not enough for thee to keep me in this miserable life and that I resolue to endure it all for thy sake and that I content my self to be where all is vexation and trouble and that I may not so much as enioy euen thee but that I must also eat and sleepe and dispatch businesse and treat with euerie Creature according to the occasion and that I suffer all this for the loue of thee And now O my Lord thou knowest that this is an extreame torment to my hart and that yet in those few little moments of time which remaine to me for the enioying thee thou yet art pleased to hide thy self after this manner from me And how can this be compatible with thy mercie and how can the loue thou bearest me permit it I beleiue O my deare Lord that if it were a possible thing for me to hide my self from thee as thou dost thy self from me I thinke I say and I beleiue so much of the loue thou bearest me as that thou wouldst not endure it at my hands But thou art still with me and euer seest in what case I am Yet permit not longer O my Lord that this kind of course be held but I humbly beseech thee to consider that it is a kind of wrong to proceed after this manner with one who loues thee so much This and the like hath occurred to me to say though yet I considered first how that place which had been prouided for me in Hell was appointed me after a kind of fauourable way in comparison of what I had deserued But yet sometimes the loue I beare to our Blessed Lord is so very extrauagant that I scarce can tell what I doe and then with all the little vnderstanding I haue I make such cōplaints as these and our Lord endures them all at my hands and therefore let so good a King as this be euer praised But now might we perhaps be able to approach anie King of this world with such audacities as these And yet I wonder not much that we may not presume to talke after this manner to our Earthly Kings whome we haue so much reason to feare yea or euen to such great Lords as are the superiour parts of the State For now we find the world so changed that our verie liues should be longer then now they are to the end that we might haue time enough to learne the Punto's and new customes and fashions of good Manners of the world if there be anie meaning withall that we should also haue anie time to spend in the Seruice of Almightie God For my part I euen blesse my self to see what happens for the truth is that euen already I scarce knew how to liue in the world when I came to this place For now it passes I can assure you for no ieast whensoeuer there is any little omission to treat men euen with much more Stile and ceremonie then they deserue but they doe really so take it for an affront that you must forsooth interpret your intention and professe your desire to make satisfaction if there be as I was saying anie omission yea and I pray God that they will vouchsafe to beleiue you But in the meane time I returne to affirme that really I did not know how to liue so miserably doe these things afflict a poore ouerlaboured Soule For she sees that on the one side they command her to employ her whole thought vpon God and that it is necessarie for her to doe so to the end that she may be deliuered from manie dangers and on the other side she also finds that it concernes her not to loose a Punto euen in the Puntilio's of this world vpon the price of not chanceing to minister occasion of giuing temptation and trouble to them who place their Honour in these Punto's For as for me they tired me euen outright and I could neuer be at an end of making satisfactions for it was neuer in my power how much soeuer I endeauoured it to forbeare the making manie faults in this kind which as I sayd are not held to be little in the account of the world And it is true that in Religious Orders which in all reason should be excused and discharged in such kinds as these there is really a very true discharge Not yet that they affirme that our Monasteries ought to be a kind of Court for good breeding and to know what belongs to good Manners
also with hauing begunne so to vse Prayer as that I might be able to carrie my paine with much conformitie to his holie will The conuersation of my hart was wholy with him and I carried these words of Iob very vsually both in my thought and in my mouth Since vve haue receaued blessings and benefits at the hand of our Lord vvhy should vve not also suffer afflictions And I conceaued that this holpe to giue me courage At length came the Feast of our B. Ladie in August for till then from the April before had my torment continued though yet it had been greater in the three last moneths I then made hast to goe to Confession for I euer tooke much contentment to Confesse often My friends thought that it was feare of death which inuited me to be so deuout and so to the end that I might not be put into apprehension my Father would not let mee Confesse O inordinate and irregular loue of flesh and bloud since though I had so Catholick a Father and so full of prudence and consideration in all his actions which euen abounded in him for this could not be an effect of ignorance yet he might haue donne me hurt enough by this meanes That night I fell into such a Trance as continued to keepe me neer foure dayes without the vse almost of anie of my senses and shortly they came to giue me the Sacrament of Extreame Vnction and euerie hower or rather euerie moment it was expected when I should expire they being as diligent in saying the Creede in my hearing as if I had vnderstood them yea sometimes they held me for so certainly to be dead that afterwards I found the drops of the holie Wax-candles about mine eyes The affliction of my Father was great for his not hauing permitted me to goe to Confession Manie outcryes and manie prayers were made to Almightie God for me and blessed be he who was pleased to heare them for the Graue remaining open in the Church of my Monasterie a day and a half where my bodie was expected to be interred and my Funerall hauing been already celebrated by the Religious men of our Order in another towne where it was conceaued that I was dead our Lord was yet pleased at length that I should teturne to my self and so instantly I would needs goe to confession I receaued also the B. Sacrament with manie teares though yet in my opinion they were not shed with that sense and grief for only my hauing offended Almightie God which might haue serued to saue my soule if the errour into which I was brought by them who had told me that they were not matters of mortall sinne which afterward I saw plainly that they were might not serue my turne For the torments wherewith I remained were intollerable and my vnderstanding not very sharpe but rather dull though yet as I conceaued my Confession were entire of all things whereby I might thinke that I had offended God For this mercie did his Diuine Maiestie vouchsafe to allow me amongst others that after I had once begunne to receaue the B. Sacrament I neuer omitted to Confesse anie thing which I conceaued to be a sinne though it were but Veniall Though yet still me thinkes that without doubt my soule might haue runne hazard not to be saued if I had dyed then in regard that on the one side my Ghostlie Fathers had been so meanly learned and on the other side and indeed on manie sides in regard that in my self I was so wicked But this is alwaies a most certaine truth that when I returne to a thought of this passage and consider how it seemes as if our Lord had raised me againe from death to life I am filled with so huge an amazement that I remaine euen as it were all quaking within my self And now me thinkes it were well O my soule that thou wouldst gather this iust resolution from that great danger out of which it pleased our Lord to deliuer thee that although thou wouldst not fly from offending his Diuine Maiestie for Loue yet at least thou shouldst forbeare to doe it for Feare For he might haue taken thy life from thee a thousand times when thou wert in a more dangerous state and I thinke that I should not say too much if I did speake of a thousand times more though he perhaps may chide me who commanded me to vse moderation in the recitall of my sinnes and yet I doubt that I haue painted them out too fauourably and faire But I begg of him for the loue of our Lord that he will not once thinke of making me diminish my faults because the magnificence of Almightie God is to be discerned thereby and how much he is pleased to suffer and endure from a soule Let him be Blessed for euer and let it also please his Diuine Maiestie that he may rather consume me quite then that I should euer leaue to loue him more THE SIXT CHAPTER She treates of hovv much she ovved our B. Lord for his giuing her Conformitie to his holie vvill in so great afflictions And hovv she tooke the glorious S. Ioseph for her Intercessour and hovv aduantagious that Deuotion proued to be I Remained during those foure dayes of Agonie or Trance in such state that only our B. Lord is able to know the vnsufferable torments which I felt in my self My toung was deeply bitten by me in manie places My throat with hauing taken nothing and by reason also of my very great weaknes could not swallow so much as a drop of water without choaking Me thought I was totally disioynted and my head in extreame disorder I was also as it were all rowled vp and contracted as if I had been a Bottome of Packthridd for in this did the torments of those dayes fixe themselues without my being able once to stirr either hand or foot arme or head vnlesse they moued me anie more then as if I had been dead Only I thinke I was able to wagg one single fingar of my right hand Now for anie bodie to touch me in anie kinde there was no meanes at all for my whole person was so affected and afflicted as that there was no enduring to haue it touched In a sheet they would be remouing me now and then according to the occasion with one at one end therof another at the other and this lasted till Easter Only this I had by way of ease that if I were not approached and touched these torments would be ceasing manie times and then vpon the account of my being in lesse paine I was content to affirme my self to be well But indeed I was much afrayd least my patience should beginne to faile me and therfore I was not a little pleased to find my self without those sharpe and continuall torments though yet I had them after an vnsupportable manner togeather with a very great detestation of food whilst I had those fierce colds which indeed
sometimes not so soone And since of late I am growne able to receaue the B. Sacrament more often it proceeds from this that these vomits come to me at night before I goe to bed and they put me to much more paine and then I must procure to hasten and facilitate them by the vse of feathers and such other things because if I haue not those vomits the sicknes vvhich I feele is extreame But indeed I am me thinkes almost neuer without manie kindes of paine and sometimes they are very sharp ones and especially at my verie hart though yet withall it be also true that the cruel Palsie and other infirmityes of Feauers which were wont to come very thick vpon me are now found to oppress me more seldome so that manie times I am well in those respects and I haue made so little account of these miseries for these eight yeares togeather that sometimes I am euen glad I haue them as conceauing that our Lord may be peraduenture serued in some sort thereby This was my discourse And now my Father belieued that this which I told him heer was indeed the true cause of my omission for himself neuer vsed to lye and considering in what sort and of what matter I was then discoursing to him he had no reason to thinke but that I sayd true and to the end that he might belieue me the better I told him also then that I well saw my self not to be without some fault and that I had enough to doe to be able to assist in the Quire though yet in verie deed euen this reason of corporall sicknes was no sufficient cause to make me giue anie good thing ouer for there is no need of corporall strength for such things as these but only of loue and custome since our Lord affords vs alwaies opportunitie if we will ourselues I say alwaies because though infirmities and other occasions my hinder one sometimes from spending manie howers in Solitude yet there will not want some other time wherein we may haue health enough for this busines yea and euen in other occasions as also in the midst of sicknes it self the truest Prayer may be made since it is the Soule which loues by offering vp that paine to Almightie God and in remembring for whome it is endured and in conforming ones self to God's holie will therein and in a thousand such other things as will occurr And thus may one exercise Loue for there is no necessitie at all for a person either to be in Solitude or els that there must be no Mentall Prayer at all If we will take a little care we may arriue to obtaine great blessings at those times when our Lord euen takes time for Prayer from vs by meanes of our sicknesses and paine and my self had found this to be true as long as my Conscience was pure and good But my Father through the opinion which he held of me and the loue he bore me belieued all that I had sayd or rather he not only belieued but had also pittie of me though yet being then growne to find himself in so eminent and high a state of Spirituall Life he remained not with me very long And therefore hauing visited me he returned home as holding his stay there to be losse of time and I who was willing to spend it vpon other vanities was not troubled very much at his departure It was not only with him but with other persons also whome I procured that they should addict themselues to Mentall Prayer euen whilst I was walking on in those vanities for still as I found them apt to vse Vocall Prayer I told them how they should grow to haue the vse of Meditation and I did them good and gaue them Bookes for I had still a good desire that others should serue Almightie God euen from the verie first time that I vsed Mentall Prayer as I haue related heer It seemed to me that since now I serued not our Lord my self so well as I should yet I liked not that that light should be lost which his Diuine Maiestie had bestowed vpon me but that others might also serue him by my meanes And this I heer recount that so the great blindnes wherein I was may be the better seen which induced me to make me loose my self whilst yet I went procuring to doe good to others About this time my Father fell into the sicknes whereof he dyed shortly after But I went to attend and recouer him whilst my self was more sick in Soule then he was in Bodie through manie vanities of mine though yet not in such sort as that according to my vnderstanding I was in Mortall Sinne euen in all this worst wickedest time whereof I speake for certainly if I had conceaued otherwise I should by no meanes haue continued therin I endured some affliction and trouble in his sicknes and I thinke I also made him some part of poore amends for the paines which he had taken with me in mine for now being ill enough in my self I yet strained very hard to doe him seruice and besides I well considered that by the onlie losse of him all my comfort and regalo was to be lost for it all was shut vp in onlie him I animated my self also so much towards the not shewing him that I was in anie paine and in continuing so euen till he expired as if I had felt no trouble at all though yet it be very true that when I saw him come to be vpon the verie point to loose his life it seemed to me as if mine owne verie Soule had then been torne out of my Bodie for I loued him much It was a thing to make our Lord be highly praised to see the death which my Father dyed togeather with the desire which he also had to dye and the counsel which he gaue vs after he had receaued extreame Vnction and how he charged vs to recommend him to God and that we should begg mercie of him for his Soule and that we must serue him euer and consider that all this world must come to end With teares he also told vs how sad he was at the hart for not hauing serued his Diuine Maiestie better That he wished he were some Religious man I meane that he had been so and that of the most strict who were in the world And I hold it for very certaine that some fifteen dayes before our Lord gaue him to vnderstand that he was not to liue because before that verie time he did not thinke he was sick though yet he were so in good earnest But afterwards though he seemed to mend much in point of health and though the Doctours bad him belieue that there was no danger at all yet he made no account of that but only attēded to put his Soule in good order That sicknes of his beganne with a very grieuous paine round about his shoulders which neuer left him and sometimes it pressed him
vvho are vertuously inclined And hence flowed downe my teares togeather vvith an indignation to consider vvhat I found in my self for I saw that still I vvas as vpon the pitch of returning to fall againe although my firme purposes and desires did then I meane so long as those fauours lasted stand fast and firme A great incoÌ„uenience it is for a Soule to find her self solitarie and single amongst so manie dangers and me thinkes that if I had anie Creature to whome I might haue imparted all this it would haue holp me not to fall againe at least for shame of the world if I would not be ashamed to offend God I would therefore aduise them who make Mentall Prayer and especially at the beginning thereof to procure some friendship and familiaritie with others who haue the same designe for this is of much importance though it should be for no more then to be assisted by the prayers of one another and how much more when there is such aduantage to be gotten also otherwise And for my part I cannot tell why since by meanes of conuersations and humane inclinations euen although they be not excellently good men procure to get some friends by whose meanes they may vnwearie themselues and may find an encrease of contentment by recounting their vaine pleasures to one another it should be so much as permitted that such as beginne to loue and serue Almightie God in good earnest should forbeare to impart both their delights and their afflictions to some fitt persons since such as vse Prayer are acquainted with both For if that Creature be in earnest who desires to hold frieÌ„dship with his Diuine Maiestie there needs to be no feare of Vaine-Glorie and when that Soule should be set vpon by anie first motion therof he would easily get out of it with merit And as for me I belieue that he who should communicate therof with others to this intention would both profit himself and those that heare him and would prâ—â—e to be better taught both in his owne vnderstanding part and in knowing also how to instruct his friends He who should be subiect to Vaine-Glorie for speaking vpon such an occasion as this would also not faile to haue it by being seen to heare Masse with deuotion and by doing other things also to which he is yet expresly bound vpon the paine of being otherwise no good Christian And yet these things must not be forborne vpon the feare of a man's being subiect to Vaine-Glorie Now this is a point of so extreame importance for the benefit of all such Soules as are not yet strengthned and established in Vertue who want not both so manie Aduersaries yea and friends also to incite them to ill that I know not how to expresse it with earnestnes and aduantage enough And to me it seemes as if the Diuel loued to vse this deuise as a thing which imports him very much Namely that men should hide themselues as carefully from such as can vnderstand them who would procure to make them loue and giue gust to God as he hath earnestly incited others to discouer their intemperate desires Which latter course is yet so much taken and followed that it passes for a kinde of gallanterie to talke of it and so vpon the matter they publish the offences which they committ against Almightie God by this meanes I know not whether they be impertinencies which I vtter if they be your Reuerence may be pleased to teare them and if they be not I beseech you Sir assist and instruct my simplicitie by adding much to them vpon this subiect For the busines of the Seruice of Almightie God goes now so weakly on that they who procure to serue him had need support and succour one another that so they may be able to get forward so very much are the vanities and foolish entertainments of the world growne to be in fashion and in such sort that there are few eyes in the world to discerne their fault But if anie bodie on the other side doe but beginne to giue himself to Almightie God there are so manie who will murmure at him that he shall finde himself to haue need enough to get companie which may appeare in his defence till such time as he be confirmed in not being troubled for what he is put to suffer which if he chance not to be he may perhaps grow to see himself in some straights And perhaps this may haue been the reason why some Saints haue vsed to retire themselues into Deserts But as it is a kinde of humilitie not to put anie confidence in a man's self so yet is it no sinne against pietie to belieue that God will not faile to help him to liue amongst them with whome he is obliged to conuerse But thus Charitie by being communicated will grow to be encreased and there are a thousand other benefits which belong to this way of proceeding where of I should not aduenture to speake if I had not great experience of the much importance heer of True it is that I am both the most weake and the most wicked of as manie Creatures as were euer borne but yet still I am apt to thinke that whosoeuer will humble himself though he be strong and will yet not belieue so much of himself but in this will giue belief to another who is endued with experience shall neuer loose anie thing by the bargaine Of my self I am able to say thus much that if our Lord had not discouered this truth to me and had not also giuen me meanes to treate in very vsuall manner with such persons as had the knowledge and practise of Mentall Prayer I had still walked on with falling and rising till I had euen dropped downe headlong into Hell For I wanted not manie friends who would not faile to help me to fall but towards the recouering and raising me vp I found my self so absolutly alone that now I am no lesse then amazed to consider how I remained not still laid flatt and I praise the mercie of Almightie God for it was he and only he who gaue me his helping hand Let him be blessed and praised for euer and for euer Amen THE EIGHTH CHAPTER She treats of the great good it did her tovvards the not loosing her Soule not to haue vvholy giuen-ouer her Prayer As also vvhat an excellent remedie that is tovvards the gaining of vvhatsoeuer good thing vvhich is lost She persvvades all Creatures to vse it and declares the great benefits therof and although vve should aftervvard leaue it yet that still it vvould proue a great good to haue vsed so great a help for some time I Haue not without cause been considering and reflecting vpon this life of mine so long For I am able to discerne well enough that no bodie will haue gust to looke vpon a thing so very wicked And really I would be glad that all such persons as should reade this Discourse might abhorre
me to see a Soule so pertinacious and so vngratefull towards him who had vouchsafed it so great Fauours And I wish I could get leaue to declare that multitude of times that I failed of my obligation to Almightie God in this number of yeares by reason that I was not applyed to and supported by the strong pillar of Prayer I passed through this tempestuous Sea almost twentie yeares between these fallings and risings though I rose il-fauourdly enough since I returned againe so quickly to fall in this kind of life tending towards perfection but yet in so base a way as that I made no account at all of Veniall Sinnes and for such as were Mortall it is true that although I feared them yet I did not euen that as I ought since I absented not my self from the danger therof but I will be bold to say that it is one of the most painefull kindes of life that can possibly be imagined For I neither enioyed the sweetnes of God nor yet the satisfaction of the world When I found my self in the contentments of the world the remembrance of what I owed to God gaue me paine and whilst I was conuersing with his Diuine Maiestie the inclinations affections of the world gaue me disquiet And this is a kinde of warre so very painefull that I know not how it was possible for me to finde meanes to endure it for one moneth and much more how I could doe it for so manie yeares notwithstanding that I yet clearly see the great mercie which Almightie God shewed me heerin since I was to treat of manie things in the world that still I should haue the courage to giue my self to Prayer I say courage for as for me I see not what one thing there is of so manie as are to be found in the whole world wherein there is need of a greater then to treat of committing Treasons against a King and to know that he knowes it well and yet neuer to goe out of his presence For howsoeuer it be very true that we are alwaies in the presence of Almightie God yet me thinkes that they who conuerse with him in Prayer are in his presence after a more particular manner for they are seeing then that he sees them whereas others may perhaps remaine some dayes in his presence and yet without remembring that he lookes vpon them True it is that within that time there were I beleiue manie moneths and sometimes peraduenture a whole yeare that I kept my self from offending our Lord and gaue my self much to Mentall Prayer and I also vsed some yea and manie diligences that I might neuer grow more to offend him And because all that which I write now is to be deliuered with entirenes of truth I declare my self heer as you see But I remember little of those good dayes and therefore it may be thought they were few and the ill ones manie yet few of those few passed away without my allowing a good long time for Prayer vnlesse I were either very sick or extreamly busie The worse I was in my health the more I was vnited with God and I procured that such persons as vsed to be with me at those times might be so too and I begged it of our Lord and we spake very often of him And so vnless it were that one yeare of which I haue spokē in eight and twentie yeares which haue passed since I beganne first to vse Mentall Prayer I haue endured this battaile and strife of treating both with God and the World more then eighteen yeares In those other yeares whereof I am yet to speake the cause of the warre was changed though of it self it was no inconsiderable thing but in regard that I was then as I conceaue in the seruice of Almightie God and in a knowledge of the vanitie of whatsoeuer this world can be it did all proue delightfull and pleasant as I will shew heerafter Now the reason why I haue related all this is First as I was saying before to the end that the mercie of Almightie God togeather with my ingratitude may be well discerned And Secondly that it may be also vnderstood how great a blessing Almightie God doth to that Soule which he disposes to vse Mentall Prayer with a good affection and will though yet it should not be so very well disposed for it as were fitt for in fine if he perseuer therein what Sinne soeuer he committ and whatsoeuer Temptation be offered and whatsoeuer Falls be giuē him in a thousand strāge fashions by the Diuel I hold in fine for certaine that our Lord will draw him at length out of the Storme into the Port of Saluation as now by all apparance he hath drawne me and I humbly beseech his Diuine Maiestie that I may neuer returne againe to be lost Manie holie and good men haue written of the benefit which he obtaines who exercises himself in Prayer I meane Mental Prayer and glorie be to Almightie God for being the cause thereof and yet if that were not true though I haue little humilitie yet am I not withall so insolent as that I would presume to speake vpon this subiect But of that whereof I haue some experience I may vet presume to say somewhat and it is this That whosoeuer hath begunne to frequent the vse of Prayer I wish him not to giue it ouer whatsoeuer sinnes he committ in the meane time since this is the meanes by which he may recouer himself againe which he will find to be of much more difficultie without it And let not the Diuel tempt him to leaue it as he did me vpon a pretence of humilitie but let him firmly belieue that his words can neuer want truth who sayd That if we will repent our selues in good earnest and resolue to offend the Diuine Maiestie no more he restores vs to the same friendship which we had before with him and doth vs the same fauours vvhich he did vs before and sometimes they proue to be much greater if the repentance deserue it And vvhosoeuer hath not yet begunne this exercise I beseech him for the loue of our Lord that he vvill no longer depriue himself of so great a benefit There is nothing to be feared heer but much to be desired For though a man should not proceed so farr as to striue to gaine such perfection as may prepare and as it vvere deserue those gusts and regalo's vvhich God is vvont to giue to such persons yet the least vvhich he shall get vvill be that he shall be going on in the vvay to Heauen And I know so much of the mercie of Almightie God that I may conclude for certaine enough that no bodie euer tooke him for a friend whome he did not well requite for his paines For Mentall Prayer is no other thing in my opinion then a Treatie about making Friendship with Almightie God and a frequēt and priuate Commerce hand to hand with him by
our Lord himself beares their charges since for the little paines they take he giues them so much gust that so they may the better be able to endure the taking of that paines in his company Of these gusts which our Lord is pleased to giue to such as perseuer in the exercise of Mentall Prayer there shall be more discourse heerafter and I will not make it heer Only this I will be bold to say that of all those so great fauours which it euer pleased our Lord to doe me the verie Gate was Prayer and if that come once to be shut I know not how God shall doe vs fauours For though he should haue a minde to enter into a Soule to regale both it and himself in it there is no meanes by which to doe it since he must haue it all to himself and it must be cleane and pure and it must also haue a great desire to receaue fauours And if our selues on the other side bring manie impediments and take no course to remoue them how shall we euer thinke he can come to vs and how can we conceaue that he will help vs Now to the end that his mercie may be seen and the great benefit which it was for me not to haue giuen ouer my Praying and Reading I will heer declare since the vnderstanding of it imports so much what batterie the Diuel raises against a Soule to gaine it and what diligences and as it were art and mercie is vsed by B. Lord for procuring to reduce it to himself that so others may preserue themselues from those dangers from which I kept not my self And aboue all things I humbly desire men for that great loue wherewith our Lord goes endeauouring to winne vs back againe to himself that they will keep themselues carefully out of the occasions of Sinne for when once we are engaged therein there is no trust or confidence to be had where we are encountred and assaulted by so manie enemies whilst we the while are subiect to such weaknes which disables vs to make anie defence I would faine be able heer to make a draught and description of that captiuitie wherein my Soule was at those times for I well vnderstood my self to be in captiuitie and yet I could not tell very well to what I whas a Slaue nor could I entirely belieue that that which my Confessours thought fitt to aggrauate no more was so very ill as yet I was apt to find it A certaine person told me when I went to him once with a scruple that although I were in state of vsing high Contemplation yet such occasions and conuersations were of no inconuenience to me This hapned to me towards the latter end when I by the fauour of God vvent separating my self more and more from great dangers but yet I did not vvholy auoid occasions But now vvhen they obserued my good desires and my exercise of Mentall Prayer they thought I did great matters but as for me my Soule vnderstood vvell enough that it vvas not so much as to performe what I vvas obliged for one to vvhome I owed so much I haue now both pittie and grief to consider hovv much my Soule suffered at that time and the little help it gott from anie but Almightie God besides the great facilities and ouuertures vvhich they made for me towards certaine pastimes and contentments by making me belieue that they vvere lavvfull But novv the torment also vvhich I had by hearing Sermons vvas not little for I had a great affection to heare them in such sort that if I savv anie man preach with spirit very well I carried a most particular affection to him and that without anie endeauour of mine nor doe I know how I came to haue it Me thought no Sermon seemed so ill to me which I could not gladly heare though others would be of opinion that he preached not well but then if the Sermon were good it gaue me a very particular satisfaction To speake of God or heare him spoken of did in effect neuer wearie me I meane after I had once begunne to vse Mentall Prayer Yet on the one side I was much comforted with hearing Sermons but on the other side they tormented me because I vnderstood thereby that I was not by manie degrees anie such Creature as I ought to haue been I humbly begged of our B. Lord that he would help me but I belieue by what I can now coniecture that I was wanting in the point of placing all my confidence in his Diuine Maiestie and totally disconfiding in my self I sought for remedie and I vsed manie diligences but I vnderstood not that all is good for nothing vnless first we stripp our selues entirely of all confidence in our selues and lodge it all vpon Almightie God I desired to liue a true life for then I vnderstood well enough that indeed I did not liue but that I fought with the verie shaddow of death But there was no bodie who would giue me life and as for me I was not able to take it and he who was only able to giue it had no reason to bring me succour since he hauing drawne me to himself so very often I had yet forsaken him THE NINTH CHAPTER She declares by vvhat meanes our Lord beganne to avvake her Soule and giue her light in so great darknes and to strengthen also her Vertues that so she might offend him no more BVt now my Soule was already growne to be very wearie and yet the ill habits which I had made the ill customes which I had vsed would not permit her to be vnwearied and take rest It hapned to me one day vpon my going into the Oratorie that I saw a Picture vvhich had been brought in thither to be kept for they had borrowed it to serue for a certaine Festiuitie vvhich vvas to be celebrated in the House about that time The Picture vvas of Christ our Lord full of vvounds soares and it vvas so deuoutly made that vvhen I looked vpon it it moued me much for it represented very vvell vvhat he had endured for vs. And the sense of the little gratitude to our Lord vvhich I had conceaued and expressed for those vvounds of his vvas such that me thought my verie hart did euen splitt And I cast my self earnestly downe neer the Picture vvith a great showre of teares beseeching our Lord humbly and earnestly that he vvould strengthen me so farre once for all as that at length I might offend him no more I was besides very much deuoted to the glorious S. Marie Magdalen and I thought much and often of her Conuersion and especially vvhensoeuer I receaued the B. Sacrament For knowing at that time that our Lord vvas most certainly in my verie bosome I placed my self at his feet as conceauing that my teares vvould not be despised by him I know not very vvell vvhat I sayd but yet I know that he vvho vvas pleased
my Lord who hast in such sort vouchsafed to make so filthie a Fish-Pond as I was become so pure and cleare a water as that it may serue for thine owne Table Be thou adored and praised O thou Regalo of the Angels who hast vouchsafed thus to exalt so base a worme This profit of the Soule remaines for some time therin and now she can already vnderstand clearly enough that the Fruit is none of her owne and she beginns to giue part of it to others without euer feeling anie want of it her self She now beginns also to giue signes and apparances of being the owner of some such Soule as it to be a Iewel-House fitt for the Treasures of Heauen and to carrie great desires of making others partake them and humbly to beseech Almightie God that she may not be alone in possessing them She beginns now to profit her Neighbours without almost vnderstanding it her self and without her seeming to doe anie thing therin but they who receaue the benefit vnderstand it well For already doe those Flowers yeild so high and apparant a Sent that it inuites all the world to come neer them They know that she hath great Vertues and they see that the Fruit is very tempting and they would faine help her to eat it And now if the earth of this Garden be manured and digged-vp very deep with Persecutions with Detractions and with Sicknes as there are few who ariue thus farre without these things and if also it be very cleane stripped of all proper Interest the Water sinkes so very deeply into this Soyle that it will scarce be euer dry againe But yet if it be such a kind of earth as that with being earth it haue also such a quantitie and companie of thornes as I remained with in the beginning and if it want a rooting-out of the occasions of ill and is not withall so gratefull as so high a Fauour requires that Soyle growes againe to be dry And in that case if the Gardner proue negligent and slack and if out Lord through his owne onlie goodnes doe not againe resolue to bestow raine vpon it you may well giue this Garden for destroyed and lost For iust thus did it happen to me seuerall times and really I am euen amazed to reflect vpon it yea and it were not possible for me to beleiue it if the case had not been wholy mine owne But now I write thus much for the comfort of such Soules as are weake like mine to the end that they may neuer despaire nor so much as once leaue to haue confidence in the greatnes of Almightie God and that although they should fall euen after our Lord had brought them to so incomparable Fauours as are mentioned heer they must not yet despaire vnlesse they will be totally lost for there is nothing which will not be gotten with teares and so the employing of one Water will be the meanes of getting another One of the things by which I haue been animated with being that miserable Creature which I am to write this Discourse and to giue this kind of account of my wicked Life and of the Fauours which our Lord hath been pleased to doe me and that not whilst I was seruing him but offending him hath been this And really I wish now that I were some person of great authoritie that so I might be the better beleiued in this particular and I humbly beseech the Diuine Maiestie of my deare Lord that he will bestow this Fauour vpon me I say then that no one euen of those Creatures who haue begunne to vse Mentall Prayer is to be dismayed with saying If I should returne to be wicked againe it would be worse for me to goe forward with the vse of Prayer For the thing which I beleiue is that it will be worse if he giue-ouer his Prayer and forbeare to reforme his life But if he shall not giue-ouer his Prayer let him be confident that it will bring him againe to the Port where he shall be able to see the Lanterne and ariue safe The Diuel made so feirce batterie against me and I passed so long without Prayer as conceauing that being so wicked as I was it would be an act of more humilitie to desist from it that I gaue it ouer for about a yeare and a halfe or for a yeare at least for of the half yeare I remember it not so very precisely But this was likelie to be and was then indeed no other thing then for me to put my self euen into Hell without needing anie Diuels for that purpose O my deare Lord how great is that blindnes and how vnhappily doth the Diuel hitt right for his purpose in laying so heauie a loade vpon vs heerin The Traytour knowes very well that he hath lost that Soule which continues with perseuerance in Prayer and that all those Falls which he procures to giue vs will but assist vs through the goodnes of Almightie God to make afterwards the greater leape towards his Seruice The Diuel I say knowes very well how much this imports him But O my deare Iesus what a thing it is to see a Soule in this State falne-back to Sinne when yet thou by thy mercie dost lend him that hand of thine to rise againe O how will such an one come to know the multitude of thy greatnesses and mercies togeather with his owne miserie Heer comes this Creature in to vnderstand thy Maiesticall way and to annihilate himself in good earnest Heer is the Soule not once presuming so much as to lift her eyes vp to Heauen though yet she raise her thoughts to consider the vnspeakable obligation which she hath to thee She heer growes all deuoted to the Queen of Heauen that she may helpe to appease thee Heer she inuokes those Saints who fell after thou hadst once called them to thy Seruice to the end that she may be assisted by them Heer she conceaues and finds that whatsoeuer Crosses thou send her they are all of them too easie and light because she sees already that she deserues not the verie ground vpon which she goes Heer enters the frequenting the Sacraments of the Church and that vigorous Liuelie Faith which now remaines in her hart as seing the great power and vertue which God infused into it The praising thee for hauing left such Vnguents and other Medicines for the cure of our Sores which close not only the skinne but take them vtterly away In a word she is amazed at all these things and who O thou Lord of my Soule is not to be amazed at so great mercie and at such an ouerflowing kind of Fauour vpon our Treasons which are so abominable and fowle that for my part I cannot vnderstand how my hart comes not euen to splitt when I write thus much because I find my self so very wicked And yet the while it seemes as if I had a minde to make thee a kind of recompence satisfaction
Benedictions and he will addresse your life by your Meditation vpon his for he is the best Originall and Patterne which we can possibly haue And indeed what can we desire more then to haue so perfect a Freind at hand who will neuer giue vs ouer in our afflictions and tribalations as they of this world are wont to doe Most Blessed is that man who loues him with all sinceritie of truth and who is alwaies carrying him close to himself Let vs looke vpon the Glorious S. Paul who seemes as if he could not suffer that euer the name of Iesus should be able to fall often enough from his mouth as one who did not faile to carrie it well imprinted vpon his hart And since I vnderstood of that other abstracted course whereof I spoke I haue reflected vpon diuerse great Contemplatiue Saints with much care and I find that they went no other way then this S. Francis she wes it plainly by the Wounds S. Anthonie of Padua by the Infant S. Bernard delighted himself much in the Humanitie of our Blessed Lord and so also did S. Katherine of Sienna togeather with manie other Saints as your Reuerence knowes better then I. This departing and abstracting ones self from all Corporeall Obiects should as it seemes be good since persons who are so Spirituall affirme it but yet in my opinion this must be vnderstood of Soules who are very Proficient in Spirit for till then it is euident enough that the Creatour is to be sought by meanes of the Creatures But yet I will vndertake nothing in this case since all depends vpon the Fauour which our Lord is pleased to shew to anie Soule That which I would faine giue to be vnderstood is that the most Sacred Humanitie of Christ our Lord must not be made to come into that account and let this point be well vnderstood wherein I would faine know how to declare my self When God is pleased to suspend all the Powers of the Soule in those kindes of Prayer which are related we haue seen plainly that this Presence of Christ our Lord is taken from vs whether we will or no and let it then be gone in a good hower for that kind of losse is a happie one whereby we come to enioy more of that which we conceiue our selues to haue lost for then the Soule employes her self wholy vpon louing him whome the Vnderstanding hath already endeauoured to know and she loues that which she did not fully comprehend and now ioyes in that wherein she could not also haue ioyed but only by loosing her self for her greater gaine But now that we should by tricks and of sett-purpose accustome our selues not to procure with our whole power to carrie alwaies in our eyes and I would to God it were alwaies this most Sacred Humanitie of Christ our Lord this I say is that which I like not since it is a way of making the Soule walke in the Ayre as we vse to say For it seemes that she hath no firme and stable resting-place howsoeuer she may make her self beleiue that she is full of God It is a great matter whilst we liue and are humane to procure to bring God to our selues Humane for this is that other inconuenience which I say there is for the first I beganne to say was a little want of humilitie in presuming to raise the Soule before our Lord raised her and not to content her self with meditating vpon a thing so pretious but that she will needs be a Marie before she haue taken the paines of Martha If our Lord himself be pleased that we be Marie there will be nothing to be feared though it should be vpon the verie first day of our doing him Seruice But yet let vs consider well of the matter as I thinke I was saying before for this small moate of little humilitie will make a shift to doe a great deale of hurt against profiting in the way of Contemplation But to returne now to the Second point We are no Angells but we haue Bodies and to desire to make our selues Angells whilst yet we are vpon earth and especially if they be so earthlie as I was is a kinde of follie or madnes But our thoughts in the ordinarie way haue need of a kind of leaning or resting-place though yet sometimes the Soule may goe so out of her self yea and manie times may be so full of Almightie God that perhaps she hath no neęd to recollect her self by meanes of anie thing created But this is not a thing so ordinarie and in businesses and persecutions and troubles when she cannot enioy so much Quiet and in the times also of Drynesse and dulnesse Christ our Lord is wont to be a very good freind For we consider him as man and we behold him full of weaknesses and afflictions and he is companie fitt for all good occasions and when once we are a little accustomed we shall finde him very easily kept close to vs though yet some such times will occurr as that we shall not be able to doe neither the one nor the other Vpon this reason it will be well to doe that whereof I haue spoken already namely not to pretend and procure any sensible consolation of Spirit but let anie thing ariue that will for it is no toy or trifle to embrace the Crosse of our Lord. This Lord of ours was forsaken by all manner of comfort and they left him all alone in his afflictions but yet let not vs doe so For he will reach vs his hand which can raise vs better vp then all our owne diligences would haue been able to doe and yet he will absent himself also when he shall thinke fitt and when he shall thinke it fitt he will also draw the Soule out of it self as I haue sayd before Our Lord is very well pleased to see a Soule with Humilitie introduce his Sonne for her Intercessour and he loues her so very much that euen when his Diuine Maiestie shall haue an inclination to raise her-vp to great Contemplation the same Soule may yet hold her self vnworthie and cry out with S. Peter Depart from me O my Lord for I am a sinnefull man I haue tryed this verie thing by experience and thus hath God conducted my Soule Let others therefore goe by some other short cutt as they please but that which I haue been able to vnderstand is that all this Ciment of Prayer is grounded vpon Humilitie and that the more the Soule is abased in that holie exercise the more is it exalted by Almightie God Nor doe I remember that euer he shewed me anie of those singular Mercies of which I shall speake afterward but when I found my Soule euen as it were annihilated with obseruing my self to be so very wicked Yea and sometimes his Diuine Maiestie tooke care to giue me to vnderstand certaine things towards the making me know my self so much the better which I could neuer haue told how to
in it as I am not well able to expresse for it is an interiour delight which comforts my whole Soule and this is no meer imagination or fancie nor a thing which hath hapned to me only once but very often and when I obserue it with most attention me thinkes it is as if a bodie who were much troubled with heat and thirst should drinke a draught of very cold water which should refresh him euen to his harts desire And heervpon I also consider that all those things which be ordained by the Church are of great importance and moment and it is matter euen of much Regalo to me that those words which the Church vses and sayes should haue the power to make Holie-water become of so very different a condition from such other as is not hallowed by the Church But in the meane time when my torment would not cease I told them so who were present that so they might not laugh at me and calling for Holie-water they brought me some and sprinkled me with it but it did me no good Vpon that I sprinkled some towards the place where the ill Spirit was and then he went instantly away and I grew as instantly well as if they had stroaked my hurt off from me with their hands saue that I found my self as wearie as if I had been cudgelled extreamly But now it did me a very great deale of good to find that when our Lord giues the Diuel leaue he is able to doe such a deale of mischief to a Creature both in Bodie and Soule euen when they are not his or absolutly in his power for then what would he be able to doe when they should be wholy left to his disposing This gaue me also a very great desire to free my self from so ill Companie as that of the Diuel is At another time and that was lately the self-same thing hapned to me though yet it lasted not long but I was then alone and then I also called for Holie-Water and two Religious Woemen who were very well worth the beleiuing and would by no meanes be induced to tell an vntruth came-in thither after the Diuel was departed from thence and declared that they felt a filthie stinke as of brimstone For my part I smelt it not but they say it continued so long that others might also perceiue it Another time I was in the Quire and I came into a very great depth of Recollection and I went away from thence for feare least somewhat might be obserued But the Religious in the Quire who were neer the place where I was heard a noyse of very great blowes which were giuen and for my part I also heard those Spirits talke togeather close to me as if they had been agreeing about some busines of theirs though I knew not what in particular it was for I found my selfe in such depth of Prayer that I vnderstood them not in expresse manner neither yet had I anie feare of them at all But these things did ordinarily not ariue but when some Soule or other did receiue benefit vpon my perswasion and aduise And it is certaine that a thing hapned to me once which I shall now relate and there are manie witnesses of it in particular my Ghostlie Father to whome I Confesse my self now for he saw it in a certaine Letter without my telling him who it was that wrote it though yet he chanced to know it otherwise But the thing was this There came once a certaine person to me who had been in Mortall Sinne about some two yeares and a balf and he had committed one which was of the most abominable that euer I had heard of in my whole life and during all that time he neither Confessed nor reformed himself and yet he sayd Masse all the while And though he then Confessed his other Sinnes yet concerning that one he was wont to aske himself how it could be possible that euer he should Confesse so fowle a thing and yet he had a desire to free himself from it but knew not in fine how to effect it For my part I had great compassion of the man and much greif to see Almightie God so offended and I promised him to beseech our Lord to giue him remedie and that I would also entreat diuerse others who were much more likelie to preuaile then my self to become suiters to his Diuine Maiestie for him and accordingly I wrote to a certaine person about it this man letting me know that he could conuey my letter And it is certaine that heervpon he instantly Confessed his Sinnes and Almightie God was pleased at the instance of those many other holie persons to whome the busines had been recommended to extend his mercie to this Soule and my self also as miserable as I am did not faile to sollicit it the best I could But the man wrote a Letter to me declaring that he was reformed so farre already as that some good time had incurred wherein he had returned no more to that Sinne but yet that the torment was so great by the temptation which sollicited him that way that he accounted himself to be almost as it were in a kind of Hell so extreamly was he put to suffer by it and therefore that I must help him still with Almightie God Vpon this I recommended him againe to my Sisters the Religious of our Monasterie by meanes of whose prayers it seemes our Lord was pleased to doe me this Fauour for they tooke the matter very much to hart This man was a person of whome no one could guesse who it was and I humbly besought the Diuine Maiestie to appease those torments and temptations to which he was subiect and that those Diuels might be suffered to torment me in his place prouided alwayes that I might not offend our Blessed Lord in anie thing by it And it is very certainly true that shortly after this I endured most greiuous torments for the space of a moneth And these two particulars which I haue now related did happen then But our Lord in the meane time was pleased that they should leaue to afflict that person anie more for so men sent me word because I had already signifyed to them what had occurred to me during that moneth And as for him his Soule got strength daily and he grew to be absolutly free nor could he satisfye himself with giuing thankes not only to our Blessed Lord but euen also to me as if I had done somewhat therein But the truth is that the opinion which he had that our Lord did sometimes shew me Fauours was of benefit to him for he sayd that whensoeuer he found himself to be much assaulted and pressed he vsed to read my Letters and that presently therevpon he should find himself ridd of the temptation He grew to be much amazed to vnderstand of what I had suffered and how also himself came to be free yea and euen I came also to wonder at it
this Light nor yet of anie other thing at all which our Lord was pleased to giue me to vnderstand and that with such a soueraigne kind of delight as cannot possibly be declared For all our Senses enioy such a superiour degree of sweetnes that it can no way be fully expressed and therefore I thinke it will be best to say no more I had once been aboue an hower in this condition when our Lord shewed me admirable things and seeming not to depart from being neer me he spake these verie words to me See heer my Daughter vvhat they loose vvho are against me doe not thou forbeare to let them knovv it But O my deare Lord what good will my saying it doe to them whome their owne actions blind so deeply if thy Diuine Maiestie doe not giue them light Some there be to whome thou hast giuen it and they haue profited much by knowing those greatnesses of thine but yet O my Lord they see in such sort withall that they are shewed to such a wretched and miserable thing as my self that I cannot but esteem it a strange thing to find that anie Creature should beleiue me Blessed be thy name and thy mercie for at least I haue plainly seen an euident amendment in mine owne Soule and I would be glad if I might still remaine there and not come back to liue heer anie more For the contempt wherein I held this whole world was very great and it seemed to be no better then euen dung to me and now I find how basely we be employed who are detained therein Whilst I remained with that Ladie of whome I spoke before it hapned to me once when I was ill and euen sick at the hart for I haue formerly been subiect to this miserie though nothing so much of late she considering me with much charitie and compassion commanded that one day certaine Iewells of hers should be brought forth which she had of very great value and one in particular of Diamonds which was prized at a verie high rate Now she conceaued belike that this would recreate and reviue me but I smiled inwardly at her the while and had compassion to see how meane things men esteem when I considered what our Lord hath layd-vp for vs And I thought how impossible a thing it would be for me to put anie manner of value vpon such toyes as those euen though I should endeauour it vnlesse our Lord should first depriue me of the memorie of those other treasures But now this kind of Fauour giues so great a dominion to the Soule that I know not whether it can possibly be vnderstood but only by such persons as possesse it For it is the proper true and naturall discharge and vntying of the Soule from all things created and this growes absolutly without anie labour of our owne and Almightie God doth it all and then his Diuine Maiestie shewes these Truths and that so as to make them remaine imprinted and engrauen in the Soule and they serue also to make vs see clearly that it was not possible for vs to acquire them especially in so short a time by anie diligences of our owne Vpon this I also came to haue very little feare of death which formerly had been great in me but now it is growne to seem to be a thing of very much facilitie and ease for such as apply themselues to the Seruice of Almightie God For by death the Soule flyes out of prison in one moment and is not only put presently into libertie but enioyes an euerlasting rest and glory Now this way which is held by Almightie God in carrying the Spirit vp to shew her so excellent things in these Rapts seemes to beare a very close kind of conformitie with the passage of a Soule out of a Bodie at the hower of death since it growes euen at one instant to be so entirely inpossession of this Eternall Good But heer I lay aside the consideration of those sorrowes and paines which are felt when the Soule is torne out of the Bodie for we are to make little account of that and they also who loue God in good earnest and haue shaken hands with all the contentments of this life are certainly wont to dye with more sweetnes It also seemes to me that these Fauours did me very much good towards the bringing me into a knowledge of our true Countrie and to see that we were meer Pilgrims heer and it is a pretious kind of thing to find what passes there aboue and to vnderstand where in fine we are to liue for euer And whensoeuer one goes to settle and stay for good and all in anie Countrie it giues a great assistance towards the enduring all the incommodities of the iourney when we know that the end of it is to be such as that we may in fine be in great repose and happines when we get thither It is also heer obtained that with case we may grow able to consider Heauenlie things that so our conuersation may be there And this is a great kind of gaine since the onlie thinking of Heauen recollects the Soule in regard that our Lord being pleased to shew vs somewhat which passes there we are induced to pawse and thinke vpon it And sometimes it so falls out that they whome I know to liue there are the Soules who accompanie me and in whome I receaue most comfort and these indeed are they who seem to be truely aliue and those others on the other side who liue heer seem to be so very deadly dead as that this whole world put togeather cannot amount to be anie companie at all for me And especially when I find anie of these impulses or impetuosities in my self the whole world seemes to be but a verie Dreame and all the obiects of these corporeall eyes of mine a meer ieast and toy but that which already I haue seen with the eyes of my Soule that I say is the thing which she desires and because she finds her self to be yet farre off from thence this is that which is no lesse then euen death it self to my Soule In fine the Fauour is excessiuely great which our Lord vouchsafes to that Soule to whome he giues such Visions as these for they helpe her much in all things and particularly to the carrying of a certaine heauie Crosse which lyes vpon her For nothing can satisfye her now but euerie thing disgusts and checks her And if our Blessed Lord did not giue way that we might forget it sometimes though yet we remember it againe afterward I know not how we should be able to liue Let him be Blessed and praised for all Eternitie and I humbly begg of his Diuine Maiestie euen by that very pretious Bloud which his owne Sonne shed for me that since he hath vouchsafed that I should vnderstand somewhat of these benefits and blessings and that I should beginne to enioy them also in some kind euen in this life it
in this Diamond it being such as that all things are shut-vp in it because there is nothing which can get out of that greatnes it was a thing extreamly to amaze me to be able to see in so very short a time so manie things togeather in this bright Diamond And so was it also matter of extreame compassion and greif for me euerie time that I remember my self to haue seen that things so very vglie and fowle as my sinnes were should be representted and shewed in that so clearnes of light And the truth is that whensoeuer I remember it I know not how it comes to be possible for me to endure it and I did really then remaine so extreamly out of countenance and ashamed that me thinkes I could not tell where to hide my head O that some Creature or other were able to giue this Truth to be well vnderstood by these people who commit dishonest filthie sinnes that so they might come to know that they are not secret and that Almightie God hath reason to be very sensible of those wrongs since they are acted so truly in the presence of his Diuine Maiestie and that we carrie our selues with so base irreuerence before him I saw heer also how iustly Hell is deserued for anie one Mortall Sinne because it is past our power to vnderstand what a most greiuous crime it is to commit it in the presence of so great a Maiestie and what an vnspeakable distance and dissimilitude is found between that which he is and that which our Sinnes are and how it appeares euen heerby so much the better how great his mercie is since notwithstanding he knowes all this he yet endures vs. It hath also made me consider that if such a Vision as this can leaue the Soule so extreamly astonished and amazed what kind of thing will the Day of Iudgement proue to be when this Maiestie of Almightie God will shew it self with all clearnes and so we shall also clearly see what kind of things our sinnes were which we committed against him O my deare God! what blindnes is this which hath seazed me And I haue often been amazed euen whilst I haue been writing this and your Reuerence need be amazed at nothing but how I am able euen to liue whilst I am looking both vpon these things and my self But let him be eternally blessed who hath vouchsafed to endure such things at my hands Being once in Prayer in very great recollection and with much quietnes and sweetnes me thought I was all emcompassed with Angells and very neer to Almightie God and I beganne to be an humble Suiter to his Diuine Maiestie for the benefit and aduantage of his Church And he gaue me to vnderstand the much good which a certaine Order should doe the world in these latter times and the great courage wherewith the Members thereof should defend and vphold the Catholique Faith Being once in Prayer neer the Blessed Sacrament there appeared to me a certaine Saint whose Order was in some decay He had a great Booke in his hands which he opened and willed me to read certains Letters in it which were very legible and large and they sayd thus In future times this Order shall flourish and haue manie Martyrs Another time being at Matins in the Quire six or seauen persons were represented and set before me and I held them to be of the same Order and they had Swords in their hands And I conceaue that I was giuen thereby to vnderstand that they should defend the Faith For being in Prayer another time and rapt in Spirit me thought I was in a very spauous feild where manie were who fought and they of this Order did also fight with great feruour They had their faces beautifull and much inflamed and they beate multitudes of men downe to the ground and killed others This battaile seemed to be giuen against Heretiques I haue seen this Glorious Saint diuerse times and he hath told me some things and giuen me thankes for the Prayers which I make for his Order and he hath promised that he will recommend me to our Blessed Lord. I specifye not the seuerall Orders heer least some should be offended at it and if our Lord shall thinke it conuenient he may declare them But euerie Order should procure and so should euerie particular man of euerie Order that in so great a necessitie as that wherein the Church is at this time they might be able to serue her For happie are those liues which may come to loose themselues vpon this occasion A certaine person desired me once to beg of Almightie God that I might vnderstand whether or no it would be for the Seruice of his Diuine Maiestie that he should take a Bishoprick I did so and our Lord made me this answer after I had Communicated VVhen he shall vnderstand vvith all clearnes and truth that true Dominion consists in possessing nothing he may take it then Giuing thereby to vnderstand that whosoeuer is to be a Prelate must be very farre from so much as desiring it and yet further from procuring it These Fauours and manie other also haue been and are still very ordinarily shewed by our Blessed Lord to this sinnefull Woeman which me thinkes are not very necesarie to be related since by those which are deliuered already my Soule togeather with the Spirit which our Lord hath giuen me may be vnderstood But let him be euer blessed who hath had so much care of me He told me once by way of comforting me that I must not afflict my self and this he did with most tender loue for that in this life of ours we could not possibly be alwaies after the same manner but that sometimes I would be in feruour and sometimes without it Sometimes with vnquietnes and temptations and Sometimes without them and in peace but that I must hope in him and feare nothing Being one day in thought and doubt whether it were not a kind of being tyed to Creatures to be glad to be with such persons as with whome I treat the busines of my Soule and to loue both them and others also whome I find to be the Seruants of Almightie God and to receaue comfort by being with them he told me that if when a man is dangerously sick the presence of a Phisitian seemes euen to restore him to health it would not be a vertue to forbeare to be glad of him and to loue him And what sayd he wouldst thou haue done if it had not been for such as they That he disliked not that conuersation should be held with such as were good but that my words must euer be well considered and holie and that so it would be rather profitable to me then hurtfull not to giue-ouer communication with them Now this imparted a particular comfort to me for sometimes it would seem to be a hauing too great a tye vpon creatures which made me once incline to giue-ouer the custome