still open breasted to his friends for his foile and his doubler weare not aboue two buttons and resolute he is for he so much scornes to take blowes that he neuer weares Cuffes and he liues better contented with a little then other men for if he haue two eyes in 's head he thinks Nature hath ouerdone him The Lord Maiors triumph makes him a man for that 's his best time to flourish Lastly these Fencers are such things that care not if all the world were ignorant of more Letters then only to read their Patent A Puny-clarke HE is tane from Grammar-schoole halfe codled and can hardly shake off his dreames of breeching in a twelue-month He is a Farmers sonne and his Fathers vtmost ambition is to make him an Atturney He doth itch towards a Poet and greeses his breeches extreamely with feeding without a napkin He studies false dice to cheat Costermongers and is most chargeable to the butler of some Inne of Chancerie for pissing in their greene pots He eats Ginger bread at a Play-house and is so saucie that he venters fairely for a broken pate at the banqueting house and hath it He would neuer come to haue any wit but for a long vacation for that makes him bethinke him how he shall shift another day He prayes hotly against fasting and so he may sup wel on friday nights he cares not though his Master be a Puritan He practises to make the words in his Declaration spread as a Sewer doth the dishes at a Niggards table a Clarke of a swooping Dash is as commendable as a Flanders horse of a large taile Though you be neuer so much delaid you must not call his master knaue that makes him goe beyond himselfe and write a challenge in Court hand for it may be his owne another day These are some certaine of his liberall faculties but in the Terme time his Clog is a Buckrom bag Lastly which is great pittie hee neuer comes to his full growth with bearing on his shoulder the sinfull burden of his Master at seuerall Courts in Westminster A Foote-man LEt him be neuer so well made yet his Legs are not matches for hee is still setting the best foot forward He will neuer be a staid man for he has had a running head of his owne euer since his childhood His mother which out of question was a light heel'd wench knew it yet let him run his race thinking age would reclaime him from his wilde courses He is very long winded and without doubt but that he hates naturally to serue on horsbacke hee had proued an excellent trumpet He has one happinesse aboue all the rest of the Seruingmen for when he most ouer-reaches his Master hee 's best thought of He liues more by his owne heat then the warmth of clothes and the waiting-woman hath the greatest fancie to him when hee is in his close trouses Gardes he weares none which makes him liue more vpright then any grosse gartered Gentleman-vsher T is impossible to draw his picture to the life cause a man must take it as he 's running only this Horses are vsually let bloud on S. Steuens day on S. Patrickes he takes rest and is drencht for all the yeere after A noble and retir'd House-keeper IS one whose bountie is limited by reason not astentation and to make it last he deales it discreetly as wee sowe the furrow not by the sacke but by the handfull His word and his meaning neuer shake hands and part but alway goe together Hee can suruay good and loue it and loues to doe it himselfe for it owne sake not for thankes Hee knowes there is no such miferie as to out-liue good name not no such follie as to put it in practise His minde is so secure that thunder rockes him asleepe which breakes other mens flumbers Nobilitie lightens in his eies and in his face and gesture is paintted The God of Hospitalitie His great houfes beare in their front more durance then state vnlesse this adde the greater state to them that they promise to outlast much of our new phantasticall building His heart neuer growes old no more then his memorie whether at his booke or on horsebacke he passeth his time in such noble exercise a man cannot say any time is lost by him nor hath he only yeeres to approue he hath liued till hee be old but vertues His thoughts haue a high aime though their dwelling be in the Vale of an humble heart whence as by an Engine that raises water to fall that it may rise the higher hee is heightned in his humilitie The Adamant serues not for all Seas but his doth for he hath as it were put a gird about the whole world and sounded all her quick-sands He hath this hand ouer Fortune that her iniuries how violent or sudden soeuer they do not daunt him for whether his time call him to liue or die he can do both nobly if to fall his descent is breast to breast with vertue and euen then like the Sunne neere his Set hee shewes vnto the world his clearest countenance An Intruder into fauour IS one that builds his reputation on others infamy for slaunder is most commonly his morning praier His passions are guided by Pride and followed by Iniustice An inflexible anger against some poore sutor he falsly calles a Couragious constancy and thinks the best part of grauitie to consist in a ruffled forehead He is the most slauishly submisse though enuious to those are in better place then himselfe and knowes the Art of wâ—â—â—â—â—â— well that for shrowding dishonestie vnder a faire pretext he seemes to preserue mud in Chrystall Like a man of a kinde nature he is first good to himselfe in the next file to his French Tailor that giues him all his perfection for indeed like an Estridge or Birde of Paradise his feathers are more worth then his body If euer hee doe good deede which is very seldome his owne mouth is the Chronicle of it least it should die forgotten His whole bodie goes all vpon screwes and his face is the vice that moues them If his Patron be giuen to musicke hee opens his chops and sings or with a wrie necke falles to tuning his instrument if that faile hee takes the height of his Lord with a Hawking pole Hee followes the mans fortune not the man seeking thereby to increase his owne He pretends he is most vndeseruedly enuied and cries out remembring the game Chesse that a Pawne before a King is most plaide on Debts he owes none but shrewd turnes and those he paies ere he besued He is a flattering Glasse to conceale age and wrinkles He is Mountaines Monkie that climbing a tree and skipping from bough to bough giues you backe his face but comne once to the top he holdes his nose vp into the winde and shewes you his taile yet all this gay glitter shewes on him as if the Sunne shone in a puddle for he is a small wine that
thing that euer he did was the tune he sang to There is nothing in the earth so pittifull no not an Ape-carrier he is not worth thinking of and therefore I must leaue him as nature left him a Dunghil not well aid together The Character of a happy life By S r. H. W. HOw happy is he borne or taught That serueth not anothers will Whose Armour is his honest thought And sillie Truth his highest skill Whose passions not his Masters are Whose soule is still prepar'd for death Vntyed vnto the world with care Of Princely loue or vnlgar breath Who hath his life from rumors freed Whose conscience is his strong retreit Whose state can neither flatterers feed Nor ruine make accusers great Who enuieth none whom chance doth raise Or vice who neuer vnderstood How deepest wounds are giuē with praise Not rules of state but rules of good Who GOD doth late and early pray More of his grace then gifts to lend Who entertaines the harmelesse day With a well chosen Booke or Friend This man is free from seruile bands Of hope to rise or feare to fall Lord of himselfe though not of Lands And hauing nothing he hath All. Certaine Edicts from a Parliament in Eutopia Written by the Lady Southwell INprimis Hee that hath no other worth to commend him then a good Suite of Apparell shall not dare to woe a Lady in his owne behalfe but shall be allowed to carry the Hieroglyphike of his friends affection Item that no fowle fac'd Lady shall raile on her that is fairer because she is fairer nor seeke by blacke calumniation to darken her fame vnlesse shee bee her corriuall Item that no man may entitle himselfe by the matchles name of a Friend that loues vpon condition vnlesse hee be a Schoole-master Item that no Lady which modestly keepes her house for want of good clothes to visit her Gossips shall professe contempt of the worlds vanity vnlesse she see no hope of the tides returning Item that no Bankerupt Knight that to set vp shop againe becomes Parasite or Buffone to some great Lord shall euer after sweare by his honour but by his Knight-hood he may Item that no Lady that vseth to paint shall finde fault with her painter that hath not counterfeted her picture faire enough vnlesse she will acknowledge her selfe to be the better counterfetter Item that no man whose vaine loue hath beene reiected by a vertuous Lady shall report that he hath refused and cast her off vnlesse he will take the base lying fellow by the next assailant so reiected without any further quarrell Item that no Lady shall court her looking glasse past one houre in a day vnlesse she professe to be an Inginer Item that no Quarter waiter shall feed on cheese three quarters of a yeere to feast on satten one quarter without Galens aduice and the Apothecaries bill to be written by a Taylor Item that wench that is ouer-enamored of her selfe and thinkes all other so too shall bee bound to carry a burden of Birdlime on her backe and spinne at a Barne-doore to catch fooles Item he that sweareth when hee loseth his mony at dice shall challenge his damnation by the way of purchase Item no Lady that silently simpereth for want of wit shall be call'd modest Item no fellow that begins to argue with a woman wants wit to encounter her shall think he hath redeemed his credit by putting her to silence with some lasciuious discourse vnlesse hee weare white for William and greene for Sommer Item no woman that remaineth constant for want of assault shall be called chaste Item he that professeth vertuous loue to a woman and giues ground when his vanity is reiected shall haue his bels cut off and flie for a haggard Item she that respecteth the good opinion of others before the Beeing of good in her selfe shall not refuse the name of Hypocrite and she that emploies all her time in working trappings for her selfe the name of spider and she that sets the first quest of enquiry amongst her gossips for new fashions shall not refuse a stitcher for her second husband Item He that hath reported a Lady to be vertuous for the which he professeth to loue her yet vnder hand commenceth a base suit and is disdained shall not on this blow which his owne vice hath giuen him out of policy raile suddenly on her for feare he be noted for a vicious foole but to his friend in priuate he may say that his iudgement was blinded by her cunning disguise that he finds her wauering in goodnesse and in time he shall openly professe to raile on her but with such a modesty forsooth as if he were loth to bring his iudgement into question nor would he doe it but that hee preferres truth euen out of his owne reach NEVVES FROM ANY WHENCE OR OLD TRVTH VNDER A SVPposall of Noueltie Occasioned by diuers Essayes and priuate passages of Wit betweene sundrie Gentlemen vpon that subiect Newes from Court IT is thought heere that there are as great miseries beyond happinesse as a this side it as being in loue That truth is euery mans by assenting That time makes euery thing aged and yet it selfe was neuer but a minute old That next sleepe the greatest deuourer of time is business the greatest stretcher of it Passion the truest measure of it Contemplation To be saued alwaies is the best plot and vertue alwaies cleeres her way as she goes Vice is euer behind-hand with it selfe That Wit and a woman are two fraile things and both the frailer by concurring That the meanes of begetting a man hath more increast mankinde then the end That the madnesse of Loue is to be sicke of one part and cured by another The madnesse of Iealousie that it is so diligent and yet it hopes to lose his labor That all Women for the bodily part are but the same meaning put in diuers words That the difference in the sense is their vnderstanding That the wisedome of Action is Discretion the knowledge of contemplation is truth the knowledge of action is men That the first considers what should be the latter makes vse of what is That euery man is weake in his owne humours That euery man a little beyond himselfe is a foole That affectation is the more ridiculous part of folly then ignorance That the matter of greatnesse is comparison That God made one world of Substances Man hath made another of Art and Opinion That Money is nothing but a thing which Art hath turned vp trumpe That custome is the soule of circumstances That custome hath so farre preuailed that Truth is now the greatest newes S r. T. Ouer. Answere to the Court Newes THat Happinesse and Miscrie are Antipodes That Goodnesse is not Felicitie but the rode thither That Mans strength is but a vicissitude of falling and rising That onely to refraine ill is to be ill still That the plot of Saluation was laid before the plot of Paradise
nothing pure holy or sincere but the senselesse collections of his owne crazed braine the zealous fumes of his inflamed spirit and the endlesse labors of his eternall tong the motions wherof when matter and words faile as they often doe inust be patched vppe to accomplish his foure houres in a day at the least with long and seruent hummes Any thing else either for language or matter hee cannot abide but thus censureth Latine the language of the Beast Greeke the tongue wherin the Heathen Poets wrote their fictions Hebrue the speech of the Iewes that crucified Christ Controuersies doe not edifie Logique and Phylosophy are the subtilties of Sathan to deceiue the Simple Humane stories prefane and not sauouring of the Spirit In a word all decent and sensible forme of Speech and perswasion though in his owne tongue vaine Ostentation And all this is the burthen of his Ignorance sauing that sometimes Idlenesse will put in also to beare a part of the baggage His other Beast Imperiousnesse is yet more proudly loaden it carrieth a burthen that no cords of Authoritie Spirituall nor Temporall should binde if it might haue the full swinge No Pilate no Prince should command him Nay he will command them and at his pleasure censure them if they will not suffer their eares to bee fettered with the long chaines of his tedious collations their purses to be emptied with the inundations of his vnsatiable humor and their iudgements to bee blinded with the muffler of his zealous Ignorance For this doth he familiarly insult ouer his Maintainer that breedes him his Patrone that feedes him and in time ouer all them that will suffer him to set a foote within their doores or put a finger in their purses All this and much more is in him that abhorring Degrees and Vniuer sities as reliques of Superstition hath leapt from a Shop-bord or a Cloke-bag to a Deske or Pulpit and that like a Sea god in a Pageant hath the roten laths of his culpable life and palpable ignorance couered ouer with the painted cloth of a pure gown and a night-cap and with a false Trumpet of Fained-zeale draweth after him some poore Nymphes and Madmen that delight more to resort to darke Caues and secret places then to open and publike assemblies The Lay-Hypocrite is to the other a Champion Disciple and Subiect and will not acknowledge the Tithe of the Subiection to any Miter no not to any Scepter that he will do to the hooke crooke of his zeale-blinde Shepheard No Iesuites demand more blinde and absolute obedience from their vassals no Magistrates of the Canting societie more flauish subiection from the members of that trauelling state then the Clerke Hypocrites expect from these lay Pupils Nay they must not onely be obeyed fedde and defended but admired too and that their Lay followers do as sincerely as a shirtlesse fellow with a Cudgell vnder his arme doth a face-wringing Ballet-singer a Water-bearer on the floore of a Play-house a wide-mouth'de Poet that speakes nothing but bladders bumbast Otherwise for life and profession nature and Art inward and outword they agree in all like Canters and Gypsies they are all zeale no knowledge All puritie no humanitie all simplicitie no honestie and if you neuer trust them they will neuer deceiue you A Maquerela in plain English a Bawd IS an old Char-cole that hath beene burnt her selfe and therefore is able to kindle a whole green Coppice The burden of her song is like that of Fryer Bacons Head Time is Time was and Time is past in repeating which she makes a wicked brazen face weepes in the Cuppe to alay the heate of her Aqua-vitae Her teeth are falne out mary her Nose and chin intend very shortly to be friends and meete about it Her yeeres are sixty and odde that she accounts her best time of trading for a Bawde is like a Medlar shee 's not ripe till the be rotten Her enuie is like that of the Diuell To haue all faire women like her and because it is impossible they should catch it being so young she hurries them to it by diseases Her Parke is a villanous barren ground and all the Deere in it are Rascall yet poore Cottagers in the Countrey that know her but by heare say thinke well of her for what she incloses to day she makes Common to morrow Her goods and her selfe are all remou'd in one sort onely shee makes bold to take the vpper hand of them and to be Carted before them the thought of which makes her thee cannot endure a posset because it puts her in minde of a Bason She sits continually at a rackt Rent especially if her Landlord beare office in the Parish for her moueables in the house besides her quicke cattell they are not worth an Inuentory onely her beds are most commonly in print shee can easily turne a sempstresse into a waiting gentle woman but her Warde-robe is most infectious for it brings them to the Falling-sicknesse she hath only this one shew of Temperance that let a Gentleman send for tenne pottles of wine in her house hee shall haue but tenne quarts and if he want it that way let him pay for 't and take it out in stewde prunes The Iustices Clarke standes many times her very good friend and workes her peace with the Iustice of Quorum Nothing ioies her so much as the comming ouer of Strangers nor daunts her so much as the approach of Shroue-tuesday In fine not to foule more paper with so foule a subiect hee that hath past vnder her hath past the Equinoctiall He that hath scap't her hath scap't worse then the Calenture A Chamber-Maide SHe is her Mistresses she Secretarie and keepes the box of her teeth her haire and her painting very priuate Her industrie is vp-stares and downestaires like a drawer and by her drie hand you may know she is a sore starcher If she lie at her Masters beds feete she is quit of the Greene-sicknesse fore euer For shee hath terrible dreames when she is awake as if she were troubled with the night Mare She hath a good liking to dwellith Countrey but she holds London the goodliest Forrest in England to shelter a great Bellie She reades Greenes workes ouer and ouer but is so carried away with the Myrrour of Knighthood she is many times resolud to run out of her selfe and become a Lady Errant If she catch a clap shee diuides it so equally between the Master and the Seruingman as if she had cut out the getting of it by a Threed onely the knaue Sumner makes her bowle booty and ouer-reach the Master The pedant of the house though he promise her Marriage cannot grow further inward with her she hath paide for her credulitie often now growes wearie She likes the forme of our marriage very well in that a woman is not tied to answere to any Articles concerning question of her virginitie Her minde her body and Clothes are parcels loosely
Her seruants or kinsfolke are the Trumperers that summon any to this combat by them she gaines much credit but looseth it againe in the old Prouerbe Fama est mendax If she liue to be thrise married she seldome failes to cozen her second Husbands Creditors A Church man shee dare not venture vpon for she hath heard widdowes complaine of dilapidations nor a Soldier though he haue Candle-rents in the City for his estate may be subiect to fire very seldome a Lawier without he shew his exceeding great practise can make her case the better but a Knight with the old rent may do much for a great comming in is all in all with a Widdow euer prouided that most part of her Plate and Iewels before the wedding lie concealde with her Scriuener Thus like a too ripe Apple shee falles of her selfe but he that hath her is Lord but of a filthy purchase for the title is crackt Lastly while she is a Widdow obserue euer shee is no Morning woman the euening a good fire and sack may make her listen to a Husband and if euer she be made sure t is vpon a full stomacke to bedward A Quacksaluer IS a Mountebanke of a larger bill then a Taylor if hee can but come by names enow of Diseases to stuffe it with t is all the skill hee studies for He tooke his first being from a Cunning woman and stole this blacke Art from her while he made her Seacoale fire All the diseases euer sin brought vpon man doth he pretend to be Curer of when the truth is his maine cunning is Corne-cutting A great plague makes him what with railing against such as leaue their cures for feare of infection and in friendly breaking Cakebread with the Fish-wiues at Funerals he vtters a most abominable deale of musty Carduus-water the Conduits crie out All the learned Doctors may cast their Caps at him He parts stakes with some Apothecary in the Suburbes at whose house he lies and though hee be neuer so familiar with his wife the Apothecary dare not for the richest Horne in his shop displease him All the Mid-wiues in the towne are his intelligencers but nurses and young Marchants Wines that would fain conceiue with childe these are his Idolaters Hee is a more vniust Bone-setter then a Dice-maker hath put out more eyes then the small Pox made more deafe then the Cataracts of Nilus lamed more then the Gout shrunke more sinewes then one that makes Bow-stringes and kild more idly then Tobacco A Magistrate that had any way so noble a spirit as but to loue a good horse well would not suffer him to bee a Farrier His discourse is vomit and his ignorance the strongest purgation in the world to one that would be speedily cured he hath more delaies and doubles then a Hare or a Law suite hee seekes to set vs at variance with nature and rather then hee shall want diseases he 'le beget them His especiall practise as I said afore is vpon women labours to make their mindes sicke ere their bodies feele it and then there 's worke for the Dog-leach Hee pretends the cure of mad-men and sure he gets most by them for no man in his perfect witte would meddle with him Lastly he is such a Iuggler with Vrinals so dangerously vnskilfull that if euer the Citie will haue recourse to him for diseases that neede purgation let them imploy him in scouring Moore-ditch A Canting Rogue T Is not vnlikely but hee was begot by some intelligencer vnder a hedge for his minde is wholy giuen to trauell He is not troubled with making of Iointures he can diuorce himselfe without the see of a Proctor nor feares he the crueltie of ouerseers of his Will Hee leaues his children all the world to Cant in and all the people to their fathers His Language is a Constant tongue the Northerne speech differs from the south VVelch from the Cornish but Canting is generall nor euer could be altered by conquest of the Saxon Dane or Norman He wil not beg out of his limit though hee starue nor breake his oath if hee sweare by his Salomon though you hang him and hee payes his custome as truely to his Graund Rogue astribute is payd to the great Turke The March Sunne breedes agues in others but hee adores it like the Indians for then beginnes his progresse after a hard winter Ostlers cannot endure him for he is of the infantry and serues best on foote Hee offends not the Statute against the excesse of apparell for hee will goe naked and counts it a voluntary pennance Forty of them lie in a Barne together yet are neuer sued vpon the statute of Inmates If hee were learned no man could make a better description of England for hee hath traueld it ouer and ouer Lastly hee bragges that his great houses are repair'd to his hands when Churches go to ruine and those are prisons A French Cooke HE learnt his trade in a Towne of Garrison neere famish't where he practised to make a little goe farre some deriue it from more antiquity and say Adam when hee pickt fallets was of his occupation He doth not feed the belly but the Palate and though his command lie in the kitchin which is but an inferiour place yet shall you finde him a very saucy companion Euer since the warres in Naples hee hath so minc't the ancient and bountifull allowance as if his nation should keep a perpetuall diet The Seruingmen call him the last relique of Popery that makes men fast against their Conscience He can be truly said to be no mans fellow but his Masters for the rest of his seruants are starued by him Hee is the prime cause why Noblemen build their Houses so great for the smalnesse of the Kitchin makes the house the bigger and the Lord calles him his Alchymist that can extract gold out of hearbs rootes mushroomes or anything that which hee dresses wee may rather call a drinking then a meale yet is hee so full of variety that he brags and truely that hee giues you but a taste of what hee can do he dare not for his life come among the Butchers for sure they would quarter and bake him after the English fashion hee 's such an enemy to Beefe and Mutton To conclude hee were onely fit to make a funerall feast where men should eat their victuals in mourning A Sexton IS an ill willer to humane nature Of all Prouerbs hee cannot endure to heare that which sayes Wee ought to liue by the quicke not by the dead He could willingly all his life time bee confinde to the Church-yard at least within fiue foote on 't for at euery Church stile commonly there 's an Ale-house Where let him bee found neuer so idle pated hee is still a graue drunkard Hee breakes his fast heartiliest while he is making a graue and sayes the opening of the ground makes him hungry Though one would take him to be a slouen yet hee