Man triumph o'er her conquer'd Pride Or if to the last she can boast of the venerable Title of Virgin Does not the satirical World ridicule her Wisdom and mock her Singularity Till almost choakt with Vapours and devour'd with Spleen she makes in Policy a poor shift to rail at Men that scorn her and grudging to the Young the Joys she has out-lived she pines away with Envy and dies a fretting Martyr for a reproachful Cause Lov. Poor Soul how deeply is the Spirit in you immersed in the foul Abyss of your Senses Go on pretty Miss please your self with fond and airy Notions But know this That if there be Fancy in your Choice there is Judgment in mine To Philosophy and not to Man do I give the Empire of my self I scorn to yield to common Laws and to make that Reason a Slave to Mankind which kind Heav'n imparted free to me Mar. This is Heroick indeed but pray good Sister with all your Wit can you answer me this Question What sort of Figure had you made in the World had your wise Progenitours always been wrapt up in lofty Speculations or musing upon musty Books had they never condescended to talk familiar Things and now and then discoursed plain Nature together Well since I cannot be a Wit my self I 'll try to bring Wits and to stock the World with little Doctors that shall propagate Learning to all Generations Lov. I pity you poor Sister But pray since you are so very fond of that Ceremonious Piece of Ruine let 's hear at least who is the worthy Object of your Inclinations I hope not Clerimont Mar. Why not Clerimont pray Does he want Merit Is his Estate so mean or Is there any Thing in his Person should make one blush at the Choice Lov. I do not say there is but you cannot be ignorant that he is mine already by right of Conquest Mar. Lord Sister must then so vast and so sublime a Genius as yours limit it self to the Enjoyment of so mean a Creature as Man Lov. Reason which is my Guide and not my Tyrant do's not disapprove of the Courtship of a Man of Vertue tho' I may hate him for a Husband yet he may please me well enough under the Title of an Admirer Mar. Passionate Speeches Fond Addresses Platonick Gallantry and such Toys may feed up the Vanity of a Woman But Sister Are you sure Love has nothing more to desire Lov. Thanks to my Wit I can answer for One and I should make a sad Example of the daring Mortal that should attempt to rifle the precious Magazine of my Chastity Mar. But after all What Assurance have you that Clerimont is yours Lov. Surely after a Thousand Declarations of his Love I think Sister I may rely upon his Sincerity in spite of Rivals Enter Clerimont Mar. I do not love to boast but if you have a mind to try it here comes one shall decide the Quarrel Come on Clerimont and without any Fear or Partiality disclose your Heart My Sister challenges your Love and I flatter my self I have a right to it let 's see in whose Favour you 'll declare your self to Cler. Lov. I am not so fond Sister of a publick Declaration as to put any Man I value to the hard Extremity either of Dissembling or Disobliging the One is as unworthy of a Man of Honour as the other is against the Rules of fine Breeding Cler. No Madam my Heart incapable of Dissembling does not scruple to own an Engagement which is the Pride and Happiness of my Life Fair Mariana's Charms are such as will easily justifie the greatest Passion in the World Lovew But can those mighty Charms Sir be a good Excuse for Baseness and Infidelity Cler. Do me more Justice Madam and impute to your self the blame of my Inconstancy 'T is that stiff and imperious Carriage of yours that cold Indifferency you affected upon all Occasions and your high boasting of the tyrannical Empire you exercis'd over me have at last open'd my Eyes and restor'd me to the Use of my Reason and can you now complain or Lov. I Complain No Sir you mistake me my Resentment would make you proud and fancy that your Heart was a Conquest worth my keeping Mar. Now Sister here 's a Scope for your Philosophy with a vengeance summ up all your Morals to your Assistance let 's see if you can look upon a happy Rival with a Stoical and Undaunted Mind Lov. You triumph Sister in your pretty Looks and pleasing Smiles and think of Insulting perhaps too soon feed your easie deluded Soul with empty Dreams of Pleasure Your Happiness is not so great as to deserve my Envy Nor perhaps so certain yet as not to leave me some Prospect of a Change Aside and as she is going off Exit Cler. However she may endeavour to disguise it I am satisfy'd she is not a little offended at the Sincerity of my Declaration Mar. But I am pleas'd with it and without the laborious Task of two years Love you have bestow'd on her in vain I give you leave to think me not Ungrateful Cler. Still as you speak my Love discerns fresh Wonders and to that free and generous Temper so opposite to the little Artifices and Dissimulation of your Sex do I resign all the Liberty your other Charms have left me Mar. Mistake me not Clerimont I set as high a Value upon the Modesty of our Sex as the best Moralists of 'em all but yet I see no reason why we should keep a Lover at such a distance when we are once satisfy'd of his Worth and Sincerity since all the Incense after that exacted serves only to gratifie the two great Idols of our Souls Pride and Vanity and gives no real Satisfaction either to Reason or Reputation Cler. Nay proves often a piece of Policy very fatal to the Proud and Scornful of your Sex for their Vanity forcing thus a pining Lover to spend his whole Stock of Love in Courtship the Consequence of it is That he has none left for Marriage Enter Lucy to Clerimont and Mariana Lucy Oh Madam I am quite out of breath Mar. What 's the matter now Lucy Lucy The Matter only Treason High-Treason plotting against you two within Cler. I dare lay a Wager your Sister's Jealousie has been at work Lucy 'T is e'en so I never saw her Philosophy so ruffl'd before Mar. But what was the Result of it Lucy How did her Wise her Witty Mother take it Lucy You know her Way she has always more Sentences in her Mouth than Teeth Cler. But still let 's hear a little Lucy With a furious train of her bombast Expressions and a flood of Latin which for ought I know was all Swearing or Conjuring she did just now in her Tone of Authority pronounce That Mariana the Undutiful Mariana should have no other Husband but Mr. Timothy Witless Mar. Don't you tremble Clerimont at the Name of your Rival Cler. No Rival
Madam can seem dangerous to me after your last Assurance Lucy No on my Conscience you need not fear him Cler. But how came you to know that Property Mrs. Lucy Lucy I have seen the Coxcomb at Cambridge he was noted there for a mighty Boaster of pretended Favours and one could hardly name a Woman to him but he had had the luck to lie with Cler. A Scholar on my Word Lucy Nay he courted me once most fiercely but I dreading Matrimony then a little more than I do now sent him packing to his Grammar Upon this what does my mere Scholar do Sir to be revenged of me but use me just as he do's his Books for as he quotes every day Passages out of 'em which he never read so he boasts of Favours of mine he never enjoy'd ne'er trust me if I have not a month's Longing to serve him a Trick for his Impudence Cler. We 'll joyn with you Mrs. Lucy I promise you But first Is the Man Easie May we venture to play upon him Lucy The Man Sir is an exact Tool for our purpose a good harmless Booby so very honest that as he carry'd no Wit to Cambridge so he has the Conscience to bring none from thence a dull lumpish low-spirited Ninny who is contented to be a Fool by Nature and wants the Skill of our modish Sparks to make himself a Fool by Art Cler. However he must be removed for in Matters of Love a Fool is as troublesome as a Witty Man is dangerous Lucy I 'll be content to die a Virgin if I do not accomplish it for you Cler. Look to your self pretty Mrs. Lucy You could not have bound your self by a greater Curse Lucy Then judge your selves My Brother Trap who waits on him at Cambridge in the manifold Qualities of Gentleman Foot-man and Valet de Chambre sent me word last Week That his worthy Master was soon to set out for his Matrimonial Expedition He is famous for merry Tricks and Frollicks and I dare answer for his Zeal or be bound Body for Body that he 'll be true to the Cause Cler. I desire no better Security Mar. This falls out as luckily as we could wish Lucy I 'm inform'd that he is expected to day I 'll send for him as soon as I hear he is come to Town to Consult with him and set his Wits at work Mar. Then let 's ev'ry one to our Tasks immediately Clerimont my Uncle Meanwell is your Friend you may try his Interest for my Father's Consent Cler. Trust Madam to my Love for obeying a Command on which all my Happiness depends I 'll about it presently only give me leave to wait on you within Exeunt Scene Changes The Street Enter Witless shaking the flaps of his Coat and making Faces With him Three Pick-pockets and Trap with a Portmantua upon his Shoulders Witless standing between two of the Pick-pockets while the third is amusing Trap at one corner of the Stage Witless Pox o' the Milk-woman and my unlucky stumbling on her she was not Pretty neither Fough how she has daub'd me By the University my Cloaths have dropt as much of her Stuff as would suckle ten Parish-Bastards 1st Pick-pocket How the buisie noisie Rabble began presently to swarm about you 'T was a great mercy Sir we came to your Rescue they would have pull'd you a' pieces else for that untractable Crew set up of late for Arbitrary Avengers of Wrongs and like greedy Birds of Prey are always flying to Mischief 2d Pick-p I was almost in a Fury to see a Person of Quality so abus'd Witl Quality Ay that I am and for my Honour let it be spoken the very First that ever was of my Family 1st Pick-p May I crave your Name Sir Witl My Name Sir My Father is a Knight and I wou'd have the rascally Mobb to know that he 'll talk Astrology with 'em for their Ears By the University I 'll send a Challenge to the Vermin and try how much of the Gentleman they have in their Doublets 2d Pick-p Challenge the Mobb You Jest sure The Mobb never fight they only butcher or knock one down without either Method of Fencing or Rules of Justice 3d. Pick-p to Trap. I had an itching Mind to have sent half a dozen of those Sons of Whores to their pocky Mothers to make black Bacon of ' em Trap. Faith I hate Blood-shed and never was fond of Valour I had rather live Three Days in this pretty sinning World than a Thousand in History 1st Pick-p I suppose you come Sir to make the Town happy with your Company for some time Witl Truly Gentlemen my Business in Town is the Business of any place I live in Love-Intrigues nothing else I have of late so liberally Cuckolded the whole Pody-Politick of Cambridge Mayor Aldermen c. that I am forced to come up for the relish of Variety 2d Pick-p London is a large Field for Love you have been here I don't question Sir Pray how do you like the City Witl The City Sir Faith I think the City is well enough but pox on 't there are so many Buildings in it they hinder one from seeing it wou'd they were pull'd down we might then have a full Prospect of it 1st Pick-p I see Sir so honest a Look in your Face that with an humble Apology for my Freedom I must give you a seasonable Caution and that is To take heed what Company you keep in Town and have a vigilant Eye upon any body that comes near you for this great City was never so pester'd with Pick-pockets and busie Rogues as it is now All this while the 2 d. Pick-pockets is stealing Witless 's Sword and rifling his Pockets on one side Witl Say you so Oh the Villains let me alone with them I 'll be cunning enough for 'em I warrant you 2d Pick-p But Sir what argues Impudence beyond Example The officious Cheats will intrude themselves into your Company upon the specious pretence of Civility They 'll make very free and extravagant Offers to you But Oh the wicked Age we live in while one of 'em is thus amusing you with some impertinent Story the other is very busie in rifling your Pockets All this while the first Pick-pocket is rifling Witless his other Pockets of a Pack of Cards a Table-Book Papers c Witl Odd'zookers give me but a List of the Rogues my Father is a Justice and I 'll see 'em hang'd every Mother's Son of ' em 1st Pick-p You 'll do Sir a mighty piece of Service to the Nation We 'll wait on you with a List of their Names at a more convenient time till then your Servant Sir Exeunt Pick-pockets Witl Gentlemen Yours Look to your self Trap as we walk home for these kind Gentlemen were pleased to inform me the Town is full of Cheats and Rogues Wou'd I could catch some of 'em with their Hands in my Pockets I 'd presently say to my Sword Sword out
of the Scab-board O I am Robb'd By the University Robb'd my Sword My Purse Nay the very Speech for my Mistress is gone too I am Undone I shall not be Marry'd this Week Alack Alack Makes as if he was going to draw Misses his Sword Feels in his Pockets Trap feels in his Pockets I am safe that 's well Come Sir you are gull'd I see but if the Speech be the worst of your Loss I warrant you there is Learning enough upon my Shoulders to make a new one Pox o' your Books how heavy they are 't is well for you you do not load your Memory with 'em D'Zlife Cou'd you not like the rest of the Scholars leave your Learning behind you Witl O sweet honey Trap I shall never have so fine a Speech again there was no less than three Acts of Parliament quoted in it Trap. But pray now have you done Shall we march on lest your kind Gentlemen return and ease me of my Burthen Witl Ay Trap Ay only this by way of Caution Be sure to send Word immediately to dear Lucy Not to take any manner of notice of me when I come to court her Mistress I 'll be for her again tell her as soon as I have got Mrs. Meanwell that sweet Bird of Love into the Cage of Matrimony till then Trap no Syllable pray of any Night-Adventures Trap Oh there you are out Sir with Submission I think it your Interest the thing should be known Witl Fie Trap Fie 't would spoil my Marriage Trap ' D'Zlife quite contrary Believe me Sir a Lover is valued by his Mistress as a Soldier by his General the better for his Experience Witl But for all your fooling Trap if Sir Timothy should examine you about my Intrigues don't you be such a Buzzard as to own it was upon some ill Design Tell him only That having often heard that the meeting of two Maiden-heads begetteth commonly a Fool I thought it prudence in me to take care the Son and Heir of my Family should not be so unlike my self Trap Oh! If so then by all means your future Spouse should use the same Caution for then your Children would be wonderful Wise But come Lead on pray Witl Oh my Speech 't was a rare one Oh my Sword 't was a pure Blade Going off Exeunt SCENE Changes to Sir Maurice's House Enter Clerimont and Catchat Cler. This Mrs. Catchat has a great Influence over the Lady Meanwell her Sister and if I can make her our Friend she 'll be a good Advocate for us I 'll try Aside Suffer Madam a passionate Lover to make use of this Opportunity to discover to you the sincere Addresses himself to Catchat Catch Hold Sir Hold Not so fast pray Don't explain your self too freely yet there are Rules of Decency to be observ'd in every thing Cler. That 's true Madam But my Passion is grown to such a heighth that Catch I know well enough Sir that you love me sigh and dye for me yet let me tell you 't is both prudent and discreet I should pretend Ignorance at least for a time Cler. Oh Madam give me leave but to open my Heart to you and you 'll be satisfied that my Catch Believe me Clerimont an easie Conquest affords but little Glory You shall value my Heart the better if I make you pull and tugg hard for it Cler. But still you mistake my Meaning Madam I 'll explain my self better and make you sensible that what I wish so impatiently for is only Catch What! Would you come to a Conclusion so very quick Fye Clerimont 't is against the Rules What had become of the rest of the Romance had Mandana yielded presently to Grand Cyrus or Claelia fled into the Arms of Aronces at the first Intimation of his Love Cler. Let not your Heart Madam be so alarm'd you have no violence to fear from me I can assure you Mariana is the only Object of my Desires and I want nothing to compleat my Happiness but Sir Maurice's Consent with the Favour of your Assistance towards it Catch Oh Sir this Shift I must hugg you for 't is the prettiest ever came into a witty Man's Head I admire your Invention and vow in all the Romances I ever read I hardly met with any thing more Ingenious or better contriv'd Cler. This is Matter of Fact Madam and not of Wit 'T is Mariana I love 't is Mariana has the sole Empire of my Heart and to obtain her is my highest Ambition Catch Ah good Sir D'Autres I understand well enough what it is you mean under the disguised Name of Mariana Poor Creature She is but a Pretence I see and indeed as the case stands 't is well for you Clerimont you are not in Earnest with her for to my knowledge she is a Man-hater Cler. Ah Madam Why must you so deceive your self as not to believe what is Truth and fancy Things that are not Catch No more Grimaces as you love me pull off the Vizard Clerimont and be not asham'd to own a Passion which your Looks cannot conceal Cler. Madam I protest Catch Nay protest what you will you shall sigh a little longer 'T is not for the Credit and Reputation of my Charms to take pity of a Man so soon tho' I confess were I to break a Rule there is so must Honesty in that Physiognomy of yours that I could almost be tempted to Looking with a languishing Air upon him Cler. Keep to your Rules Madam I entreat you but do not go on in your Errour Catch Adieu Clerimont let this suffice for once I have I fear discover'd too much Weakness already 'T is time for my Modesty to make an honourable Retreat Cler. What go undeceived and still running on in that Extravagant Humour Madam I tell you Catch Pray forbear Sir and be not so pressing Surely you don't design to offer Violence to my Honour Cler. May I perish Madam if I have such a Thought Catch I 'll hear no more au revoir Cler. Hang me Madam if I love you your Catch I tell you Sir 't is in vain au revoir Exit Clerimont Solus Pox of her Fancies I never met with any thing so impertinent in my Life When a vain Woman is in Love she must for her own Credit perswade her self she is belov'd And speaking Truth in Love we 're not believ'd All Women like in this to be deceiv'd ACT II. Enter Sir Maurice and Meanwell Sir Maur. I Am over-joy'd at the News Brother for his Father and I were intimate Friends and fellow Soldiers under Monk You may assure Clerimont that I shall be Proud of the Honour of his Alliance Enter Catchat But here comes my Sister let 's hear what she says to it You come in very good time Sister to give your Opinion about a Match for my Daughter Clerimont is the Man my Brother proposes And I am so far satisfied with his Character that I give my Consent to it Catch
must make of this Day of Joy the most melancholy Day of your Life by imparting to you the saddest News you could expect Sir Maur. Oh Heavens Brother what is it Mean Our Hamburgh Ship has brought this dismal Account that Mynheer Van Punk is broke and Sir Maur. Alas alas I am undone undone for ever 20000 l. at a clap I shall not be able to shew my Head Mar. Oh the unseasonable Misfortune Lady M. Why so concern'd Sir Maurice What now your weak and puny Soul must fret and be disturbed at this Thanks to Philosophy mine is firm and unshaken Lovew My Fortune is safe still what Love could not do Interest may I 'll not despair Aside Sir Tim. To Witl Oddszookers the Case is altered Hark you Tim I have always observed that a man never thrives in the World that has wrong'd a modest Woman therefore in point of Interest as well as Conscience you must marry this Lady and as a Pennance for your not Renouncing the Flesh Woman and the Devil swallow the bitter Cup of Matrimonial Twist Witl I marry that Woman Sir I beg your Pardon I should be a Cornuto and you know 't is the only thing I hate Sir Tim. Good Boy a man makes himself ridiculous in the World that affects Singularity in any thing you 'l be Cuckolded a little before your time that 's true but t is the fashion now therefore no Soul living will take notice of it Witl Is it so upon your word Sir Or do you jest Sir Tim. Ay Tim upon my honest word 't is e'en so Cuckoldom is a raging Grievance of the Nation for all my mincing the matter Just now believe me as many men as you see walking in the Streets are as many Cuckolds Witl How so pray They are not all married sure Sir Tim. There is all the difference Boy with those that are married their business is done with those that are not their business is now doing It was so with you and just so 't will be with 'em comfort your self with that Witl I am as glad as any thing 't is so I protest I am for to tell you the truth the thing disturbed me a little but since you say 't is the Mode I scorn to be singular Sir Tim. Besides Tim Mrs. Meanwell has now lost her Fortune and Beggar for Beggar 't is much better for us you marry this good Lady here for by this means we avoid a chargeable Suit the man was talking of no less than 6000 l. Damages hang him 6000 l. would undo us Witl By the University I do not think there is one thousand Pounds difference between an Honest VVoman and a Common one Cler. Oh the Brute what pity 't had been a VVoman of Virtue had fallen to the Lott of such a Fool who does not understand the Value of so great a Treasure Aside Witl By the tip of Plato's Ear I am of the opinion of that famous Poet Tacitus who says He had rather be Cuckolded by a pretty coaksing loving VVife than escape the Dishonour either through the Ugliness or the surly Virtue of one peevishly Honest Huff Sir Timothy I rejoyce to see things run thus in a right Channel and to make my Joy compleat I have but one Favour more to beg of you viz. That Mr. Witless and my dear Relation here may be joyned instantly for I am commanded with my Regiment for Flanders to morrow early and I should not cross the Sea with a quiet Mind should I leave this piece of Work unfinish'd Sir Tim. With all my Heart Sir but where shall we find an Executioner Huff I have a Levitical Conjurer below who with Sir Maurice's leave will give us a touch of his Black Art Sir Maur. My House Sir is at your service Sir Tim. What say you to it Tim Come hang Consideration the shortest Follies are best Witl Come then Pig in a Poke away to the Conjurer thou art not the first has carried a great Belly to the Parson Exeunt Sir Timothy Witless Huff and Lucy Sir Maur. Clerimont I promised my self a great deal of Happiness in the Honour of your Alliance but since my Hopes are defeated and I cannot in the Circumstances I am in at present offer poor Mariana to you for a Wife I must thank you for your Civilities to her and wish you somewhere else a Fortune answerable to your Merit Cler. You offend me Sir Maurice with this Discourse As it was not for her Fortune I courted your fair Daughter so this Loss shall make no change in me I love her better than ever I did all I have in the World is hers and consequently at your service Lovew Then farewel to my Hopes there I am put to my last Prayers indeed but rather than fail I 'll make sure of Sir Maggot Jingle his Wit shall be my Excuse Aside Mar. To Cler. No Clerimont you are too Generous and whatever Violence I do to my Inclination in pronouncing the Words we must part Fortune has cross'd my Wishes and placed my Heart beneath you Cler. Oh killing words Cruel Mariana do you do you oppose my Happiness Who could have suspected it My Heart was not prepared for so severe a stroke Mar. 'T is not Clerimont because I hate you or love you less Heaven that sees into my Breast knows how pure and sincere is my Love for you but I am sensible that your Estate requires a present Fortune to make you easie I wished to be yours when I had reason to hope my Father's Kindness would have made us live happily in the World but since Heaven has decreed otherwise I must not be so ungrateful to your Love as to desire to be an Obstacle to your Fortune Cler. If you have not a mind Divine Mariana to see a sad Lover expire at your Feet forbear talking any more of Fortune the whole World without you cannot make me happy and with you I am richer than the greatest Monarch upon Earth Mar. Fortune which has robb'd me of all my Hopes could not rob you of my Heart it is yours Clerimont in spite of her and if I owed it all before to your Love what can I give now to your Generosity Cler. Your self Madam and in you all that this World can gratifie my Ambition withal Enter Sir Timothy Witless Huff and Lucy Witl Leading Lucy and turning her round I fancy the Sin is worth the owning the Creature feels as a sound piece of Mortality 't is but supposing the first night we lay together that we have been married 4 or 5 months and all is well Sir Tim. Good Tim my mind is now at ease to see you a man like my self and by this Heroick Act of yours do I know you to be of the true Blood of the Witlesses who for these five Generations have outbraved Cuckoldom Come thou art a good Boy and hast the true notion of the thing Witl Nay I think I am as good a man as I was
My Brother Meanwell cannot be in Earnest sure I know the thing is impossible Mean How now Sister What do you mean by that Catch Nothing Brother but only that you are imposed prettily imposed upon that 's all The Gentleman's Heart to my knowledge is deeply enga'd somewhere else Mean You are in a merry Humour Sister What 's the meaning of this Fooling Pray Is not Clerimont in Love with my Niece Catch I have Reason to think he is not Man D'Zlife I have it from his own Mouth Sister Catch Laughing Ah ah ah poor Brother How I pity your Ignorance Mean What-a-Pox Did not he just now desire me to propose the Match to Sir Maurice you doat surely Catch Laughing Ah ah ah this Plot won't take Brother you must think again Sir Maur. The Woman is mad with her Laughing Where 's the Jest of it pray Catch No Jest at all but very good Earnest I assure you Will you have it here it is Clerimont's Love is a Mystery revealed as yet to none but me But I 'll be so kind perhaps as to open your Eyes that you may see your Errour Mean Ay do Since you pretend to know things so well let 's hear a little where it is his Affections are so deeply engag'd Catch But tell me first Have you a Curiosity to know it Sir Maur. Surely I think it do's concern us all to be better inform'd about it Catch Shall I name the very Person Mean Ay ay by all means I 'm impatient Catch Well since you desire it so earnestly know Brothers 't is my self Fanning her self and looking big Sir Maur. What you That 's a very good Jest in troth Sister Sister Do you know no body in Town to put this upon but your own Brothers Ha! ha ha Sir Maurice and Meanwell fall a Laughing Catch Bless me Sirs What means all this Wonder You laugh and stare just as if I had said something extraordinary What do you see in me pray that 's so very despicable I am thank God so made as not to need complain of Nature Sir Maur. I vow Brother we have been under a sad Mistake all this while we never knew before we had a Beauty in our Family Catch I know poor Souls if you don 't who it is can yet kill with a Frown and Fetter with a Smile Mean I am sorry Sister the World is blind Catch All the World is not Brother Freeman Belair Courtall Valentin Beaugard Dorimant Belamour stand I think in spite of Envy as so many living Trophies to my conquering Charms Sir Maur. Ha! ha ha all these love you Sister don't they Catch Love me yes I think they do and besides these a great many more tho' I say it I could once have muster'd a whole Regiment of 'em for besides those my Scorns have dispatch'd the Wars have robb'd me of some and the rest I have discarded Mean But pray once in your Life deal Ingeniously with us Did ever any of these Gentlemen tell you they were really in Love with you Catch None ever durst take so much Freedom with me Sir Maur. Freeman I hear gives the worst Characters of you and ridicules you in all Companies Catch That 's only to disguise his Passion and deceive the World the better Mean But what 's the Reason we never see Courtall here Catch 'T is to shew the greatest Respect Sir Maur. Valentin of late makes violent Love to Florimel Catch The Gentleman was forward and that 's the Penance I impose on him for a Month. Mean But what if he should fall to it in earnest and bid adieu to your conquering Charms Catch I don't fear him Brother he values Beauty too much to forsake me Sir Maur. Belamour to my knowledge is Marry'd to Philinda Catch 'T was Despair drove him to it Mean Beaugard I hear keeps a Miss at Greenwich Catch I allow him to acquaint himself with Vice that he may value my Vertue the more Sir Maur. As for Dorimant there is but little Hopes of him He was always a desperate Woman-Hater Cath. He was so Brother before he saw me He is not the first Convert my Looks have made Mean And as for Belair you know well enough Sister that he professes himself an inveterate Enemy to stale Virginities Catch The more Hopes for me then Sir Maur. O' my Conscience Sister these are all Visions Mean Nothing but Chimera's of her own Catch Ay Chimera's Visions Visions and Chimera's nothing but Chimera's Very well I am glad of the Chimera's I did not know before I had Visions and Chimera's Exit Catchat Sir Maur. O' my Conscience Womens Heads now a-days are so stuff't up with their Trash of Romances and Poetry that there is no room left in 'em for Reason or Common Sense Our Sister is Mad stark Mad Brother Mean She has got the Trick of Old Maids poor Creature she builds Imaginary Trophies of Love upon the Ruins of her Beauty and sets as good a Face as she can upon her Sorrows whil'st inwardly she is a continual Prey to uneasie Thoughts and consuming Desires to knawing Despair and tearing Remorse I pity her with all my heart But to return I have engag'd to give Clerimont an Answer Shall he have Mariana or shall he not Sir Maur. Why do you ask again Brother I have consented to it already Mean Then let 's in and joyn your Lady's Consent to yours Sir Maur. What need of that pray Have I not pass'd my Word to you Mean That 's true Brother but still 't wou'd not be amiss I think before I deliver my Message I were sure of her Approbation too for you know she is so Sir Maur. 'T is needless I tell you I 'll answer for my Wife and take the thing upon my self Go you and acquaint Clerimont that he has my free Consent while I discourse with Mariana who comes out seasonably for that purpose Exit Meanwell Enter Mariana and Lucy to Sir Maurice Sir Maur. Come hither Child I have pretty News to tell you Do you know one Clerimont Mar. I have heard of him Sir Sir Maur. What Character has he Mar. The World allows him to be a Man of Wit and Honour Sir Maur. I am glad your Account agrees with mine for I have some Thoughts of making him my Son-in-Law Mar. Oh ravishing News Pardon me dear Sir if I have done ill in concealing from you till now that this same Clerimont you named has already shewn some Inclination for me the return of which I am glad to find is by your Consent approved of Sir Maur. You mistake me Child 't is for your Sister Lovewit and not for you I have given my Word Mar. Oh Heavens what is' t I hear She starts Sir Maur. Is there any thing in this seems so surprising to you Child Mar. Is it possible Clerimont should be so Unfaithful Aside Sir Maur. What means this great Concern Mar. Support me Lucy I shall Faint Sir Maur. Come Child be not so
concern'd this was only to try you and see if your Love to Clerimont is as great as the Esteem I have for him He has my Consent to make his Addresses to you use him you as a Lover Mar. I receive the Blessing on my Knees and thank Heav'n my Duty and Love are reconciled She Kneels Sir Maur. I understand my Wife designs you for young Mr. Witless but he 'll come too late I assure him however I must receive him civilly and amuse him for a while the better to secure our Project Mar. Her Ladyship I 'm afraid will make use of all her Power and Rhetorick to oppose my Wishes Sir Maur. I 'd fain see that Lucy Ay well said Sir Don't let her great Words frighten you Sir Maur. A pretty thing indeed a Husband should mind what a Wife says Enter Lovewit who speaks aside Sir Timothy Witless and his lubberly Son are just come in and I made halfe before 'em to observe how my Rival receives the first Complements of her new Lover Enter Sir Timothy Witless and Witless Sir Tim. Sir Maurice this is my Son Tim of whom Fame has told you so much already Sir Maur. Mr. Witless your Servant I can hardly Express how glad I am to see you Sir Tim. Now Tim. for your Complements Witl Is it not expedient Sir I should begin with the Father Sir Tim. Ay Ay by all means Witless speaking like a School-Boy and acting with his Hands addresses himself to Sir Maurice Sir I come to salute acknowledge cherish and reverence in you a second Father but a second Father to whom I am more indebted than to my first the first Begot me but you Chuse me I was his by Necessity but you accept me by Favour what I received from him was but the mere Operation of the Body but what I have from you is the free Emanation of the the Will and by how much more the noble Faculties of the Mind exceed the common Endowments of the Body by so much more also do I value that honourable Alliance for which I am now come to pay you my profound and respectful Homage Lucy Nothing like a College Madam for Wit To Mariana Witl Have I performed well Sir To Sir Timothy Sir Tim. To a Miracle Tim. Now for the Ladies Witl Must I Kiss Sir Tim. Ay Ay Boy they expect it Witless goes up to Lovewit whom he mistakes for the Mother salutes her and then speaks to her Madam your Right of Maternity Sir Tim. Odds bodikins Tim. you are out that is not the Mother Witl Where is she then 'T is none of my fault sure Sir Maur. My Wife will be here presently Mr. Witless Witl Shall I stay Father till she comes to receive my Speech Sir Tim. You may in the mean time harangue your Mistress Lovew There stands a Lady Sir waits impatiently for your Complement Speaks scornfully Witless puts his Speech into his Hat and sometimes looks on Mariana sometimes on the Speech and says Madam As the Statue of Memnon gave an harmonious Sound when the Rays of the Sun reflected on it in a like manner do I find my self animated with a ravishing Transport at the glorious Appearance of the Sun-shine of your Beauty Give me leave then Madam to lay at the Altar of your Charms the Offering of that Heart ambitious only of the Honour of being Madam your most loving and devoted Servant and Husband Timothy Witless of Clare-Hall Lucy Hey-day Who would grudge Studying hard to say such fine things Aside Sir Maur. Well Mr. Witless What do you think of my Daughter Is she not a pretty Book for you to turn over Wittl the Lady is a Beauty in Folio Enter Lady Meanwell Sir Maur. Dear this is Mr. Wittless I present to you Wittless to the Lady M. Madam your Right of Maternity Lady M. Sir I am glad my auspicious Stars have by their benign Influence directed my Steps to this place that I might Wittl Madam your Right of Maternity your Right of Maternity because of her Portion Pretty Sons and Daughters I like her very well Humph Madam you have interrupted me in the middle of my Period and that has confounded my Memory Lady M. T is very well Sir Daughter this is the individual Gentlemen Fate has decreed and I pronounce your Husband Presents Witless to Mar. Sir Maur. What! dear Duck before Sir Timothy and I have examined into Matters Lady M. Duck fough What a rustick and mean Expression is there Sir Maur. Well then my walking University my puzling Library of Flesh give me leave to tell you things of this Nature deserves some consideration Lady M. That 's good indeed with People that need second Thoughts But where quick Imagination and profound Judgment meet the first do as well I have resolv'd it shall be so no more words pray I expect your compliance Sir Maur. But Why must we precipitate things in this manner Why not give 'em time to know one another Are you sure their Inclinations will agree Lady M. Marriage may breed Love they must try Sir Maur. On my word Lady if Marriage has that Effect with them they 'll have better Luck than I. Wittl to Mar. For my part Madam I 'm ready Sir Tim. Spoke like a Man Tim. Sir Maur. claps him on the Shoulder Mar. And for my part Sir I am not I must freely own to you that your Merit has not yet made an Impression deep enough in me Wittl There is such a Sympathy of Features in our Two Faces that my Heart tells me we were made one for another Mar. Marriage is so lasting a Bondage that surely it should be beneath the Character of a Man of Honour to wish under it a Person he Loves Wittl Nego Consequentiam Madam I may be Man of Honour and yet consent to receive you of the Hands of your Parents Mar. A Woman's Heart proves commonly a Rebel which was taken from her by Violence Sir Tim. Tim. Tim. fair Means are best Wittl We read in the Ancients Madam that there was a laudable Custom amongst 'em to ravish Daughters out of their Father's Houses to the end it should not appear that they had of their own accord fled into the Arms of a Man Mar. The Ancients Sir are dead and we live we can save our Modesty without their Customs And when a Match is offer'd we know how to express our Liking to it without offending against the Rules of Decency Give me Sir but a little time If you love me as you pretend you must have no other Will but mine Wittl Yes Madam to the Interest of my Love Exclusively Mar. But sure the greatest Instance of Love in a Complaisant Lover is to submit without reserve to the Pleasure of his Mistress Wittl Distinguo Madam where the possession of her Person is not concern'd Concedo but where it is Nego Mar. Well Sir since you want Complaisance to allow me time to consider I 'll not want Prudence to take
Witt Paramount I must have been forced to dismiss my self without Audience Lady M. What! Angry Sir Maurice I thought you stood all the while admiring the Famous Sir Maggot Jingle Sir Maur. Hang him for a scurvy Pimp of Wit that could never Match Rhime and Sense together a Scoundrel of Parnassus and the very scandal of his Trade Lovew His Trade Fough how Citizen-like is that Expression Sir Maur. A dull Gossiping Rhiming Parasite who Robs the Piazzas of Paper to Write his Madrigals upon and stands Recorded in Ale-Houses for the inspiring Liquor that makes him a Wit Catch Brother Brother talk with more Reverence of Sir Maggot Jingle pray what if his Loyalty to Oliver has made him Poor he is still a Knight and a Poet and such as he you know can Fight and Lampoon Sir Maur. Faith Sister I fear neither his Sword nor his Satyr as long as I keep a good Table for such as he I know had rather put up an Affront than lose a Meal Lady M. How now Sir Maurice is the merry God Dancing a Jigg within the inclosure of your Brains you forget your self strangely methinks Sir Maur. 'T is to you Sister I speak what a Devil have you to do with Jingling and Poetry To Catchat Catch Lord Sister what a strange compound your Husband is of Vulgar and Clownish Atoms Sir Maur. A pretty thing indeed to see those long Spectacles of yours set on the Top of my House for you to peep and tell how many Hackney Coaches are going in the Moon Lovew Oh the Illiterate Brute thus to affront a Telescope aside Sir Maur. I am no Scholar not I and I thank my Stars for it but with your leave so much common Sense has taught me that all the Study and Philosophy of a Wife should be to please her Husband instruct her Children have a Vigilant Eye over Domestick Affairs keep a good Order in her Family and stand as a Living Pattern of Virtue and Discretion to all about her Lady M. Sir Maurice like another Solon is now setting up for a Law-giver Poor Soul Sir Maur. The Women of Old did not read so much but lived better Housewifry was all the Knowledge they aspired to now adays Wives must Write forsooth and pretend to Wit with a Pox. Catch 'T is the partial and foolish Opinion of Men Brother and not our Fault has made it ridiculous now adays for a Woman to pretend to Wit she was born to it and can shew it well enough when occasion serves Sir Maur. Ay to our Cost sometimes Female Wit Triumphs and Excels in three things Revenge Dissembling and Cuckoldom there I grant we must yield to you for quickness and dexterity Catch But for all your Jesting Brother a Man's Wit is as dull as his Appetite if not set an Edge by ours Sir Maur. Hang your Edging a Woman's Wit was always a Pimp to her Pleasures Lady M. I 'm tired Sir Maurice with your Nonsense Satyr does not become a Citizen Sir Maur. But I tell you Lady that I will have a Reformation in my House that this Plague of Wit has infected all my Servants even my little Boy forsooth cannot turn the Spit now without a Pharamond or a Cassandra in his hand if I call for Drink the Butler brings me a Spencer or a Ben Johnson Lady M. If this be all you have to say Sir Maurice Farewel Sir Maur. No Angry Mother of the Muses give me but Attention and you shall hear your Daughters Wit it seems is like to starve her Love I 'm told she designs to keep Hospitality in another World and Feast the worms with her Maiden-Head Lady M. What strange Jargon's this Sir Maur. But Mariana being not altogether so Witty but like a simple Creature desirous to keep House in this World 't is time to think of a Husband for her Lady M. 'T is what my preventing Wisdom has already determined I have engag'd to Sir Timoth that his Son shall be the Man he is a Person of deep parts and that 's in my Opinion the only way to infuse the Spirit of Improvement into your Daughter Sir Maur. Did you not perceive by my Daughters Discourse with Mr. Witless that she has no great liking to him why should we force her Inclination my Dear Lady M. What now will you offer to Contradict me I have past my word and it must be so Sir Maur. I am not so much against it my dearest Dear but only let 's do things as they should be done let 's give her a little time at least to Conquer her Aversion Lady M. 'T is pity indeed but my Determinations should wait for the settling of the giddy Thoughts of such an illiterate Creature as your Daughter I am resolved it shall be as I please bid her be ready for to morrow I 'll send to Mr. Engross to bring the Writings this Evening to Seal Sir Maur. But my Dear in a Case of this importance Lady Maur. What again Hold your Tongue Sir Maurcie I don't love people should reply Exeunt all but Sir Maurice Enter Meanwell to Sir Maurice who stands hanging his Head in a Melancholy Posture Mean I see your Lady going Brother I suppose you have had some Discourse about the business Sir Maur. Yes Brother Mean Well and what 's the Result of it pray shall we have Mariana Has she given her consent is the thing agreed on Sir Maur. Not altogether Mean Does she deny Sir Maur. No. Mean Is the matter left in suspence Sir Maur. Not at all Mean What then Brother is it a Mystery never to be Revealed Sir Maur. I 'll tell you Brother she says that she has engag'd her word for Mr. Witless and cannot recall it Mean And what did you say to it pray did you accept of him Sir Maur. I No God forbid Mean What Answer then did you make Sir Maur. None at all and I am glad I did not for fear she should have disputed me into a consent Mean The Reason is admirable Brother but did you at least propose Clerimont to her Sir Maur. No Brother I had more Wit I assure you look you when I heard her Name Mr. Witless I thought my mentioning Clerimont would but Exasperate her the more Mean Your Prudence Brother amazes me an 't you ashamed of your soft and easie temper Sir Maur. Brother I love Peace and my Wife is a terrible Dragon when once out of Humout she makes indeed a High Boast of her Philosophy but she is not a bit the less Cholerick for it and her Morals that teach her to look upon all things with an indifferent Eye have not the least Influence upon her Passions she is still Woman all over Brother Mean This is Mockery perfect Mockery Brother your VVife Rules because you are faint hearted take my word 't is the way of Cunning and designing VVives as soon as they are Married Nicely to study the Temper of their Husbands and thence Usurp Power