my Parents but by the way of Vertue My Father was a man of much charitie towards poore people and of compassion towards the sick yea and he had so much pittie euen of his seruants that he could neuer resolue to keepe anie slaues for the tendernes which he had towards them And there being once a slaue in his house who belonged to a Brother of his he caused him to be treated and fed as if he had been one of his owne Children and sayd through his great compassion that he could not endure to see such as he was vnless they might be made free He was a man of much truth nor did euer anie creature heare him either detract or sweare He was exeedingly honest and chast My Mother also was enriched with manie Vertues and she passed through this life of hers with grieuous sicknesses Her chastitie and puritie was great in the verie highest degree and though she had an abundance of Beautie yet was it neuer so much as heard that she gaue occasion for the world to conceaue that she made anie account of it at all For comming afterwards to dye when she was but three and thirtie yeares old the order of her attire had yet been such as might haue well become a person of Age. She was of a most sweet disposition and yet vvithall of a very solid vnderstanding The afflictions vvhich she sustained in this life vvere great and she made a most Christian end when she dyed VVe vvere three Sisters and nine Brothers and all through the goodnes of Almightie God vvere like our Parents in being vertuous except myself though yet I vvas the most beloued of them all by my Father and truly till I beganne to offend Almightie God he might seeme to haue had some reason For it goes to my verie hart to remember and consider those good inclinations vvhich our Lord had giuen me and the very little I knew how to serue myself thereof My Brothers also vvere such in their proceeding and vvay of life as that they did not by anie meanes dis-assist me from seruing Almightie God One of them vvas almost of my yeares and I loued him best of them all though yet I loued them all very much as they also did me But vve tvvo ioyned much togeather in reading the Liues of Saints and when I saw the Martyrdomes through vvhich some of them had passed for the loue of our Lord me thought they had bought Heauen vvhere they vvere to see and enioy his Diuine Maiestie very good cheape And myself also desired much to dye so though not yet for the loue vvhich I found and felt my self to beare him but rather that I might come by so compendious a vvay to enioy those great felicities which I had read to be imparted in Heauen I associated my self therefore to this Brother of mine to consider vvhat meanes there might be for our obtaining this end And so vve grevv to resolue that vve vvould goe into Barbarie amongst the Mores and begg by the vvay as vve vvent that so vve might come by degrees to loose our liues there for our Lord. And it seemed that he gaue vs courage enough for this purpose euen in that tender age of ours if vve could haue found anie meanes to sett it on foot but our euen hauing of Parents seemed to be the greatest hindrance vve had We found our selues much amazed to perceaue in those things vvhich vve read that both the Paine and Glorie of the next life vvas to last for euer and vve chanced to speake often of this particular and vve tooke pleasure in repeating these vvords many times For euer For euer For euer and by continuing to pronounce them long and often our Lord vvas pleased to imprint the way of Truth vpon my hart in that verie infancie of mine But novv vvhen I savv it vvas impossible for me to goe where they might put me to death for the loue of our Lord my Brother and I proiected how to become Heremits at home and so in a certaine Garden vvhich belonged to the house vve procured to set vp some little Oratoryes or Chappels after the manner of Heremitages the best we could and vve assembled little stones for that purpose vvhich vvould instantly be falling downe againe and so vve met vvith no meanes to put out good desires in execution But in the meane time I am not vvithout some feeling of deuotion to consider hovv soone it pleased Almightie God to giue me this kinde of tendernes towards him vvhich aftervvards I grevv to loose through mine ovvne fault I gaue Almes as vvel as I could though it vvere but little I procured to be much alone for the better doing my deuotions vvhich vvere manie and especially that of the Rosarie to which my Mother vvas much affected and she endeauoured also to make vs so I tooke particular contentment vvhilst I vvas playing vvith other Children like myself to frame certaine little things like Monasteries as if vve had been Religious woemen and me thought I desired to be one though yet not vvith such vehemencie of affection as I did those other things vvhereof I spake I remember that vvhen my Mother dyed she left me a little less then tvvelue yeares old and as soone as I beganne to vnderstand hovv great a losse I had sustained by loosing her I vvas very much afflicted and so I vvent besore an Image of our Blessed Ladie and I humbly besought her vvith manie teares that she vvould vouchsafe to be my Mother And though I performed this little action but in a plaine and simple manner yet me thinkes I may vvel conceaue that it hath serued me to verie good purpose for I haue most euidently found the fauour of this Soueraigne Virgin concerning all things vvherein I haue recommended myself to her care and in fine she hath brought me about to her self It afflictes me to the very hart to see and consider hovv poore those impediments vvere vvhich kept me from remaining entire and constant in those good desires vvhich I beganne to haue But O my deare Lord since it seemes thou vvilt vouchsafe to saue me and I beseech thy Diuine Maiestie that it my be so and to shevv me so great fauours as thou hast donne me might it not please thee not for my interest and profit but for that high reuerence vvhich is due to thy self to take order that this house of my hart vvherein thou shouldst for euer remaine might be no more defiled Nay it goes O Lord to my verie soule euen to say thus much because I knovv and feele that the fault therof vvas vvholy mine for as for thee I finde clearly enough that there wanted nothing at all on thy part to secure me for being totally thine ovvne euen from that tender age of mine And if I vvould be content to seeke some colour to complaine of my Parents vvith as little reason also can I doe that since I could neuer discouer any thing in
himself vouchsafed to tell me that they would so take care of me as that I might not be deceiued And accordingly I haue often seen and that very clearly though yet not by way of anie Imaginarie Vision or represented person these two Glorious Saints who are so much my good Patrons standing by me vpon my left hand and that after a very euident manner But now this order of those others to make signes of contempt and scorne whensoeuer I had that Vision of our Blessed Lord did put me to a mightie kind of paine for when I saw him present before mine eyes it was impossible for me to beleiue that it was the Diuel though they should haue torne me into a thousand peices to make me doe it and therefore it was a strange kind of Pennance which they put vpon me But now to the end that I might not be so perpetually Crossing my self I tooke a Crosse into my hands and this I did in effect alwaies but indeed I vsed not those signes of scorne so very often for that afflicted me too much For I well remembred the affronts iniuries which the Iewes had put vpon our Lord so I humbly besought him to pardon me if I did the like since I did it by way of Obedience to them whome he had appointed in his owne place and I prayed him not to lay it to my charge since they were the persons whome himself had placed in his Church He told me then that I should not be troubled at it and that I did well in obeying them and that he would bring them at length to vnderstand the truth But when they for bad me to vse Prayer me thought our Lord was growne angrie at it yea and he bad me tell them that this was a verie tyran̄ie in them and he gaue me also wayes how to make me know that this was not a worke of the Diuel and I will touch vpon some one of them afterward When once I had the Crosse in my hand which was at the end of my Rosarie he tooke the same into his and when he gaue it me againe it consisted of foure great Stones incomparably more pretious then Diamonds for there is no such thing in this world as that which goes in the Supernaturall way and a Diamond is but an imperfect and counterfeit kind of Stone in comparison of those others whereof I speake Now these Stones had the Fiue Wounds of our Blessed Lord in them after a most curious makeing and he told me that I should see him iust so from that time forward and so I did and now I no longer saw the wood whereof the Crosse was made but only these pretious Stones and yet so as that no other saw them but my self When they beganne to command me to make these tryals or proofes and to vse resistance to those Fauours they grew on to a higher encrease for though I might haue a minde to diuert my self yet I neuer was out of Prayer nay me thinkes I was in Prayer euen whilst I slept for heer all was growing-on and growing-vp in the loue of our Blessed Lord and the making also of a pittifull kind of complaints which I vttered to him and my not being able to endure it nor was it in my power though I had desired it and least of all when I procured it to giue ouer my thinking vpon him But yet still I obeyed them as well as I could though yet I were able to doe little or nothing therein Now our Lord did neuer free me from obeying them but howsoeuer it be true that he commanded me to doe as they bad me he yet gaue me assurance otherwise yea and instructed me also about what I should say to them and the same he doth also to this day and he taught me so concluding reasons of all things that they gaue me all sufficient assurance And now his Diuine Maiestie hath begunne very lately to performe what he had been pleased to promise me before as namely to assure me yet better that it was he for there grew in me so great a loue of Almightie God that I knew not how it could get into my hart and it was of a very Supernaturall kind nor was it I who procured it I then found my self euen as it were to dye through a desire wherein I was to see Almightie God nor could I come to know how I might be able to seeke-out this kind of life but by the way of death There came vpon me so great impetuosities or impulses of this loue that howsoeuer they were not so insupportable not yet altogeather of so high value as those others were which I related before yet knew I not what to doe with my self for nothing could now giue me satisfaction nor was I able euen to containe my verie self but really it was with me as if my Soule had been directly torne out of my Bodie O most admirable kind of artifice of our Lord what manner of choice and delicate industrie is that which thou art pleased to vse towards this miserable Slaue of thine For thou didst hide thy self from me and yet withall didst euen then presle vpon me so very close with thy loue by giuing me such a delightfull and sauourie kind of death as that the Soule by her good will would neuer be deliuered from the same Whosoeuer hath neuer tryed and felt these so great impetuosities of Diuine Loue it is impossible that he should be able to vnderstand them for this is not a kind of restlesnes of the breast or hart nor anie of that kind of deuotions which are wont sometimes as it were to stop the breath in such sort as that the Soule is not able to containe her self But this is an inferiour kind of Prayer to that and heerin we are to procure to remoue such kind of promptitudes and vehemences as those and to endeauour to retire them sweetly into themselues so to appease and calme the Soule For this is in some sort as when little Children cry and sobb sometimes so thick as that they are euen readie to choake and when the Nurse giues them drinke that excesse of their passion and expression beginnes to cease And so in this case also is Reason to take the bridle into the hand for perhaps the verie naturall condition and constitution of the person himself may be the thing which contributes somewhat to this state of minde at that time And therefore let consideration be vsed for feare least all should not be perfect and least a very great part thereof fall out to haue some what of the Sensuall in it and let this Child be stilled by some Regalo or other of Loue which may induce it to exercise and expresse the loue it self which he also beares by a moregentle and sweet kind of way and not thus as it were by going to cuffes But let them goe retiring that verie loue of theirs into the more inward part
may not happen to me as it did to Lucifer who lost all by his owne fault Doe not permit this O my Lord I humbly pray thee euen by all that which thou art for it is no small feare which I haue sometimes though yet at other times yea and vsually the mercie of Almightie God giues me a very confident hope that since he hath been pleased to draw me out of so manie Sinnes he will not forsake me so now as to let me be lost And this doe I humbly pray your Reuerence that you will euer desire in my behalfe But in the meane time me thinkes that those precedent Fauours were not so very great as this which I will now apply my self to relate and that for manie reasons manie blessings also and in particular for that great courage strēgth which haue still remained in me vpon that account And therefore if those former may be considered euerie one by it self this other which I am going to relate will be found to be so very great as that there will be no comparison at all between them I was one day and the same fell out to be vpon the Vigil of Pentecost or VVhitsontide after Masse and I went to a more remote place where I often vsed to pray and I beganne to read in a certaine Booke of this Feast which had been written by a Carthusian And meeting there with those signes which both Beginners and Proficients and Perfect Soules vse to haue and how they may come to vnderstand whether the Holie-Ghost doe inhabit their harts or no as soone as I had read these three States it seemed to me that Almightie God through his goodnes did not leaue or faile to be present with me after a particular manner for as much as I might be able to vnderstand And whilst I was praising his Diuine Maiestie for that blessing I remembred that I had read the same thing formerly when I wanted very much of that condition of minde and then I saw that I wanted it as plainly as now I vnderstand the direct contrarie concerning my self But thus I came to know the great Fauour which our Blessed Lord had done me and from thence I grew also to consider the Place which my Soule had deserued in Hell for my Sinnes and I gaue great praise to Almightie God in regard that now me thought my Soule was so extreamly changed that I could hardly almost conceaue it to be the verie self-same thing which it had been before Being then in this consideration there came a great impulse or impetuositie vpon me without my being able to vnderstand the occasion thereof Me thought my verie Soule had a minde to get instantly out of my Bodie for now she could not possibly containe her self any longer nor found she her self at that time to be able to stay anie longer heer in the painefull expectation of so great a Good Now this was so excessiue an impulse or impetuositie that I could not possibly tell euen what to doe with my self nor so much as what I ayled so extreamly was I growne to be in disorder And though I were sitting then yet was I not able euen to sitt and so I applyed my self a little to leane for I found that all my naturall forces began to faile me But perceauing my self to be in this case I saw a Doue vpon mine owne head but such a Doue as was very different from them of this world for she had not of our kind of feathers but the wings were as of certaine little shells which darred a huge splendour from themselues This Doue was much greater then any ordinarie Doue and me thought I heard a noise which she made with her wings for she was fluttering about the space of an Aut Maria. But my Soule was already in such condition that growing to loose her self she also lost the sight of the Doue My Spirit did then beginne to quiet it self vpon the entertaining of such a Guest as she had gotten though yet for my part I imagined that so wondrous an encounter and accident as that was might well haue disquieted and frighted it But she beginning already to enioy layd quickly all feare aside and togeather with the self same ioy grew to haue quietnes withall but yet still remaining in the Rapt Now the glorie of this Rapt was extreamly great and I remained during the most part of the whole Festiuitie of Pentecost so stunned and euen as it were besorted and befooled that I knew not what to dot with my self nor was I able by anie meanes to vnderstand how so high and great a Fauour as this was could possibly find a resting place in me I neither heard nor saw in effect by reason of the great excesse of my interiour ioy I vnderstood how from that day forward my Soule remained with a very great encrease of improuement by enioying a more sublime loue of Almightie God and that my vertues also had gained a great encrease of strength Now let him be blessed and praised for all eternities Amen I saw also at another time the same Doue vpon the head of a certaine Father of S. Dominick's Order saue that me thought both the beames and the brightnes of the verie wings did spread and extend themselues much further and it was giuen me then to vnderstand that he was to winne Soules to God Another time I saw our Blessed Ladie putting a white long Garment vpon the back of a certaine Graduate of the same Order of whome I haue spoken formerly diuerse times and she told me that she had giuen him that Mantle for hauing assisted in the Busines of this House and that his Soule should be defended and preserued for the future in such puritie as that he should not fall into Mortall Sinne. And I assure my self it proued so for he dyed within few yeares after yea and he did both line and dye with so great Per nance and sanctitie that there can be no doubt thereof for anie thing that we are able to vnderstand And a certaine Religious man who had been at his death told me that S. Thomas of Aquin had been with him and that he dyed both with great ioy and with desire also to be deliuered from this bannishment wherein he was Since that time he hath appeared to me in very much glorie and told me diuerse things He was a man of so great Prayer that when a little before he dyed he would gladly haue forborne the exercise thereof through his great weaknes he was not able to doe it for euen then he had manie Rapts He wrote to me a little before he dyed about what course I thought he were best to take for helpe because euer as soone as he had done Masse he vsed to fall into Rapts which would last long without his being able to forbeare them But our Lord gaue him at length the reward of the great Seruice he had done him during his whole life Of
Vision which the Soule hath seen but so also doth she her best to resist the vexations which he giues her though then she be so disquieted and disordered euen by this verie diligence that she looses that deuotion and gust which she had before and remaines also without anie Prayer at all This hapned to me three or foure times in the beginning as I was saying But this of the false Vision is so very different a kind of thing from the other that whosoeuer hath ariued to the onlie Prayer of Quiet will I beleiue vnderstand this busines by the verie effects which haue been spoken of in that Discourse which concernes those VVords or Speeches which sometimes are imparted to and imprinted in the Soule And I hold this assertion to be a most certaine thing and vnlesse a Soule should haue euen a kind of minde to be abused and deceiued I beleiue the Diuel will not be able to doe it if she walke with humilitie and simplicitie that is with sinceritie of minde Whosoeuer I say hath receiued anie true Vision from Almightie God will instantly perceiue and iudge of another which is contrarie and false for though anie such false one may beginne to giue a kind of Regalo and gust yet the Soule will shake that off and besides in my opinion the gust will be euen different in it self and not carrying so much as an apparance of a Loue which is pure and chast it growes to be soone discouered from whence it comes So that wheresoeuer there is anie experience the Diuel will not be able to doe anie Soule hurt in this kind But now that all this kind of Vision should be be but a meer Imagination or conceipt is clearly and entirely an impossible thing and hath no colour at all For the high beautie and fairenes of one onlie hand doth absolutly outstripp all Imagination And besides without our euer haueing thought of anie such obiect or reflecting vpon anie one of this kind to see such things present and all at an instant which could neuer haue been so fitted and adiusted by the Imagination of man in regard that it is so mightily of a superiour kind as I haue sayd from that which we are able to comprehend in this world it must also be impossible for the aforesayd reason And yet though we could doe somewhat of this kind not withstanding all that which is sayd it would yet not be possibly done vpon this other reason which I will now declare For if we should represent anie such thing in the strength of our owne Vnderstanding besides that it would not haue anie such great operation as this true Vision hath nor indeed would it in effect haue anie at all it would be at the most but as one who would very faine grow to sleep whereas yet he should indeed be awake because he cannot yet fall asleep But if he desire to sleep and haue need of it and withall haue anie infirmitie or weaknes in his head which forbidds it he yet procures of himselfe to get into a slumber and vses all his diligences in order to that end and sometimes he euen half thinkes that he doth somewhat But still if in verie deed it be not true and reall sleep it will not sustaine him nor giue strength to his Head Nay rather it will sometimes fall out to be so much the more idle And iust so is it also partly in this case for then will the Soule grow emptie and idle and not be sustained and strong but rather disordered and disgusted whereas in the other former case of ours it is past anie power of mine to declare what treasures are acquired when not only the Soule is enriched but euen the Bodie also it self gets temper and health Now this reason with others did I alleadge when they told me sometimes that those things were of the Diuel and at other times that I did but fancie them to my self And this hapned often to me and I would also be bringing certaine Comparisons the best I could and our Lord made me light vpon them but yet all serued me still to little purpose for there being very holie persons in that place and I being euen miserie it self in comparison of them and our Lord not guiding them by this way they would instantly be growing into feare that my sinnes in all apparance were the meanes to produce those effects and so it went vp and downe from one to another in such sort as that they came to be acquainted with these secrets of mine though for my part I discouered them to no Creature but only to my Ghostlie Father or to such as he directed me to impart them But I remember I sayd to them once that if they who told me these things had related to me that some person with whome I had been much acquainted and with whome I had spoken but very then had not yet been that person indeed but that I had only fancyed it to my self and that they knew it for certaine I should without all doubt haue much more easily beleiued them then euen the verie thing which I saw But yet now on the other side if that person had left certaine Iewells with me and that they remained still in my hands as pawnes of the great loue he bore me and that formerly I had been the owner of no such Iewells whereas now I saw I was rich who before had been so poore I should then not be able to beleiue them euen though I desired it especially when I could shew these Iewells of mine to others For euerie bodie knew me well enough and they saw clearly that my Soule was growne to be another kind of thing then before and so I told mine owne Ghostlie Father For the difference was come to be great in manie kinds and not in anie doubtfull or disguiseable manner but so as that all Creatures might discerne it clearly And I remember also that I was wont to say that I could not tell how to beleiue that the Diuel would doe this to deceiue me and how since he would be glad to carrie me away with him to Hell he could serue himself of this meanes which was so very contrarie to his owne end Namely to roote-out Vice and to plant Vertue and strength of Spirit in place thereof for I found and that very clearly that I grew once at an instant to be wholy another Creature then I was before My Ghostlie Father as I was saying was a Father of the Societie of IESVS and a very holie man and he also made the same answer to others as I came to vnderstand afterward He was a person of much discretion and of great humilitie but yet that humilitie of his grew to cost me a great deale of trouble For though he were a man of much learning and besides of great Prayer yet put he no trust at all in himself and our Lord not guiding his Soule by this way he
considering whether they were not those of the Euangelists But yet I neither saw how the Throne was seated nor who was sitting in it but only a great multitude of Angells about it which seemed to me of much more beautie beyond comparison then those others which I had seen in Heauen before And I haue been thinking whether they might not haue been Seraphins or Cherubins for they are very different in point of glorie and they seemed to be mightily inflamed And as for the glorie which then I felt in my self it can neither be written nor spoken nor is anie one able euen to thinke it but such as had been made partakers of it by seeing it But I vnderstood that absolutly all that which possibly can be desired was there and that all togeather I there saw nothing at all distinctly but they told me yet I know not euen who they were that the thing which I might there be able to doe was to vnderstand that I could vnderstand nothing but that I might see from thence the direct Nothingnes of all things in comparison of that And really it is very true that my Soule from that time forward hath found it self as if it were extreamly affronted and confounded to obserue that it was able to pause at all vpon anie thing created and how much more then to be affected either by it or to it For all things seem to me euer since to be neither better nor more then the verie nest of an Ant. But I Communicated and was at Masse though yet I knew not how I could be so I conceiued that the time had been very short and wondered when the Clock struck and so found that it was two howers wherein I had remained in Rapt and glorie I was amazed after this to know how by approaching so neer to this Fire which seemed to come from aboue out of the true loue of Almightie God it was yet in no power of mine at all to get the least sparke thereof but only when his Diuine Maiestie was pleased to impart it For how much soeuer I desire it and how earnestly soeuer I procure it and would defeate and euen destroy my self for it there is yet no meanes at all to obtaine it But now this Rapt of mine seemes euen to haue consumed the faults and lukewarmnesse and miseries of the old man as the Phenix is sayd to doe her self out of whose ashes when she is burnt springs another Phenix For iust so doth a Soule become absolutly an other kind of thing with desires wholy different and with a courage so encreased that now she seemes not to be what she was before but now beginnes to walke with a new kind of puritie in the way of our Lord. And I iust then beseeching his Diuine Maiestie that it might proue to be so in my case and that I might now at least beginne as vpon a new account to doe him seruice he spake these words to me Thou hast made a good Comparison and see that thou forget it not that so thou maist euer procure to improue thy self And being once in the self-same doubt whereof I spake euen now whether these Visions were of God or no our Lord appeared and spake these words to me with some rigour Hovv long O yee Sonnes of men vvill yee continue to be hard of hart And he also willed me then to examine my self well vpon this one Interrogatorie VVhether I vvere entirely giuen to him for his or no and that if I vvere giuen so and vvas so I should beleiue that he vvould not suffer me to be lost And whereas I afflicted my self much vpon his vttering that exclamation aforesayd he returned with great tendernes and Regalo and told me that he would not haue me afflict my self and that he knew already that I for my part would not faile to apply my self wholy to that which might be for his Seruice and that so he would also doe all that which I desired of him against Illusions and so he was pleased to doe that thing in particular which then I humbly begged at his hands For he willed me to looke in vpon the Loue which went encreasing daily in me for thereby I might best vnderstand that the Diuel had no part in it and that I must not thinke Almightie God would consent that the Diuel should haue so much power ouer the Soules of his Seruants as to be able to giue me such a claritie of vnderstanding togeather with such a depth of repose of minde as I possessed And he gaue me also further to vnderstand that such and so manie men hauing told me that these Visitations were of Almightie God I should doe ill if I did not beleiue them Being also another time in Prayer vpon S. Athanasius's Creed of Quicumque vult c I was giuen to vnderstand the manner how there was one onlie God and three Persons and this in so perspicuous and cleare a kind that I was no lesse comforted by it then amazed at it This also did me very much good towards the giuing me encrease of knowledge concerning the greatnes of Almightie God and of his wonders and for all such occasions also as wherein I thinke of the Blessed Trinitie or heare speech thereof And now me thinkes I conceaue how all that Mysterie stands very well and it contents me much One day vpon the Assumption of our B. Ladie the Queen of the Angells our Lord was pleased to doe me the Fauour in a certaine Rapt that her rising vp into Heauen was represented to me togeather with the solemnitie and ioy of that Celestiall Court wherewith she was receiued as also the place which she held To tell what kind of thing this was I am no way able The glorie which euen my Spirit had to see that hers is so great was euen extreame and I remained with great effects and improuements by it towards a wish of vndergoing yet greater afflictions for the loue of our Lord. And so it also gaue me encrease of desires to serue our B. Ladie since both her dignitie and merit was so great And being one day in a Colledge of the Societie of IESVS and the Brothers of that House being then in act of receauing the B. Sacrament I saw a very rich Canopie ouer their heads and this at two seuerall times but yet when others Communicated there I saw it not THE FOVRTIETH CHAPTER She proceeds in the same Discourse by relating the great Fauours vvhich our Lord shevved her vvhereby good instruction is to be gotten And vvith the end of this Chapter she ends also the Discourse of her Life BEing once in Prayer the delight and gust which I felt within my self was so great and I found my self so vnworthie of so high a Fauour that I beganne vpon that occasion to consider how much better I had deserued to possesse that place in Hell which was prepared for me for I could neuer forget in what manner I had seen my self
I had to conuerse with them But our Lord did euer counsaile me in all things yea so farre as euen to tell me how I should carrie my self towards weake persons and some others also and he neuer layes the care of me aside But I am much troubled to find that I am good for so little in his Seruice as also that I can doe the lesse through my spending more time then I wiâ—h vpon so weake and wasted a bodie as mine is As I was once in Prayer and the hower of our going to rest came on I found my self in a great deale of paine and knowing that my ordinarie Vomits would ariue and obserueing my self to be so tyed-vp to these cares and the Spirit on the other side desiting to haue some time for it self I grew to be euen so tired that I beganne to be greatly afflicted and to weepe much and that happens very often to me And this condition puts me to such a kind of anger that me thinkes I doe in those times euen abhorre my self though yet it be true withall that I doe not abhorre my self indeed nor yet am wanting in what is necessarie for me and I rather pray God that I take not more care of my self then I should and so I feare I doe But now whilst I was in this greif our Lord appeared to me and regaled me very much and told me that I must endure these troubles and goe-through with them for loue of him and That my Life vvas necessarie yet And so me thinkes I neuer see my self in anie very great paine which I value since I resolued to serue this Lord and Comforter of mine with all my power For though he permitted me to suffer a little yet would he still be assisting me so withall that I esteem not my selfe to doe much in desiring to suffer afflictions for his sake So that now me thinkes there is no reason why we should euen desire so much as to liue but only to the end that we might suffer and accordingly this is the thing which I begg with most affection of Almightie God And sometimes I am saying to him with my whole hart O Lord let me either suffer or dye for I begg no other thing of thee for my self And now it vses to comfort me to heare the Clock strike for so me thinkes I am growne a little neerer to the seeing of God though it be but a little because one hower more of my life is past At other times I find my self in such sort that I neither take much pleasure in liuing nor yet me thinkes haue anie great minde to dye and so in the meane time I remaine with a kind of stupiditie and darknes of minde in all things and manie times I also haue some troubles And since our Lord was pleased that those Fauours should be publiquely knowne which his Diuine Maiestie vouchsafed to shew me as he himself had told me some yeares agoe that they should be which gaue me vexation enough and it is not a little that I haue endured therein as your Reuerence knowes for euerie bodie will vnderstand things as he listes I comfort my self yet with this that it hath not ariued by my fault because I neuer spake of anie such thing but either to my Ghostlie Fathers or others who I knew euen by them had vnderstood thereof For of this I was very warie euen to extremitie though yet perhaps I abstained not so much for respect of humilitie as in regard that I had paine enough to tell euen my Ghostlie Father thereof and therefore how much lesse would I impart things of this nature to others But now I earnestly desire that Almightie God may receaue glorie by it howsoeuer there be some who murmure at me very much vpon this occasion though euen yet I thinke they may peraduenture doe it with good zeale And there are others who are afrayd euen to treat with me in anie kind yea and euen to receaue the Confession of my Sinnes and others say also other things But how soeuer since I vnderstand that it hath pleased our Blessed Lord to reduce manie Soules by this meanes and because I see clearly and remember continually how much himself would be pleased to endure for the gaining of one Soule I allow my self to take little trouble for anie thing which men can say of me And I know not whether or no this may not haue been a part of the cause why his Diuine Maiestie hath placed me in this little Corner of the world where I am so shut vp and where I thought there would be no more memorie of me then of a thing which was dead But their forgerfulnes was not so great as I wished and so I haue been constrained to speake sometimes with some persons Yet howsoeuer I am not now where the world may easily see me for it seemes that our Lord hath been pleased to driue me from Sea to this Port and I trust in his Diuine Maiestie that it will proue a very safe one for me And since now I am out of the world and find my self in the companie of few but they holie Creatures I looke downe vpon the world as from a place which is very high and so it is growne to be of little moment with me what they below doe either say or thinke And I would make much more account to vnderstand that anie one Soule should haue profited to the weight of one little graine in God's Seruice by my meanes then of all which can be sayd of me in anie kind For since I haue found my self in this place our Lord hath been gratiously pleased that all the desires of my hart might haue no other ayme but this And he hath also giuen me euen a kind of sleep in this life which makes me find that whatsoeuer I see is but dreaming nor am I able to say that I reape either much contentment or trouble by anie thing of this world And if yet some things giue me anie it passes away with so very great speed that I euen wonder at it and it makes but iust such a kind of impression vpon me as a thing would doe whereof I had dreamt And it is a most perfect truth that although I should afterward haue a peice of a minde either to be glad of anie contentment or to be sorrie for anie mis-accident and trouble it is really no more now in my power but iust so as anie man who were discreet would take either trouble or ioy from a dreame of his owne For now our Blessed Lord hath already been pleased to awake and open the eyes of my Soule from out of that follie wherein it was And whereas by my not being mortifyed nor dead to the things of this world I was wont to haue much feeling of such things as hapned his Diuine Maiestie is pleased now that I should loose my true sight no more In this sort Sir doe I liue now and I
no meanes loose myself outright My Father and my Sister were much troubled about this friendship of mine and reproued me for it very often but yet they being vnable to remoue the occasion of her coming to vs at times their diligences were euer wont to fall short for my sagacity sharpe conceipt in contriuing anie thing which might be ill was very great I am sometimes vpon this occasion in a wonder at how much hurt ill companie may doe and if it had not been mine owne case I could hardly belieue it especially when it occurrs in the time of innocent and fresh youth for then doth it greatest hurt and I could wish that Parēts would take some warning by me that so they might consider it wel For the truth is that this conuersation did worke such an entire change vpon me that I who formerly had not only a Soule but euen a kinde of naturall constitution inclined to Vertue was growne to haue in effect no semblance or signe at all thereof and it seemes that both she and yet another who was vpon the matter of the same humour had imprinted their owne conditions vpon me From hence also I am growne to vnderstand how pretious a thing good companie is and I hold it for as good as a most certaine truth that if in that age of mine I had conuersed with onlie vertuous persons my selfe should haue proued accomplished in the way of Vertue and that if in those tender yeares I had mett with such as would haue made it their busines to make me feare Almighty God my soule would haue gathered such strength as might haue kept it from falling But afterward this feare of God growing to be lost the care only of my honour remained which gaue me a kinde of torment in whatsoeuer I did But now with thinking that such and such things would neuer be knowne I presumed to doe manie which were both against my honour and against God In the beginning those things did me harme as I am apt to thinke though yet perhaps that hapned not by the fault of others but by mine owne but afterward mine owne malice fell out to be sufficient for mine owne mischief together with the help of my Maides who were readie enough for anie thing that was naught If anie one of them had but aduised me well it would haue serued my turne but interest blinded them as my inclination did me And though I neuer was addicted to much ill for euen naturally I abhorred such things as concerned dishonestie yet I liked to passe my time in faire conuersation but being afterward growne into the occasions the danger was neerer at hand and that brought also my Father and my Brothers into some But God deliuered me out of them in such sort as that it well appeared how he was pleased to procure euen against my will to preserue me from my totall perdition though yet still things could not be carried so priuatly as that my honour did not suffer preiudice by it euen abroad besides a little suspicion of my Father at home For I remember not that they ariued to be three moneths of my walking vp and downe in these vanities when they carried me to a certaine Monasterie in this towne where they were wont to giue education to such as I was though yet not so vntoward as myself But it was donne with great discretion and reserue for only I and a kinsman of mine knew of it and they stayed a while for a certaine coniuncture of things to keepe it from seeming new or strange for my Sister was then lately married and so it would not seeme so very handsome that I should stay at home alone without a Mother The loue which my Father bore me was so extreame and so also was my dissimulation that he could not belieue so much ill of me as I deserued and therefore I was not falne into his disfauour For the time hauing been but short though perhaps he might happen to heare of some little wispering yet it could neuer be deliuered to him with anie certaintie in regard that I hauing so tender a care of myself in point of honour all my diligences were employed vpon keeping things secret and I considered not the while how impossible a thing it was to hide anie thing from him by whome all things are seen O my God! what a mischief doth it bring vpon the world to make light of this and to thinke that such things can be secret as are repugnant to thy will For my part I hold it for certaine that many great sinnes would be forborne if once we would grow to vnderstand that the busines doth not consist in saueing our selues harmlesse from men but in keeping our selues very farre from disgusting Almightie God During the first eight dayes of my being in the Monasterie I feit it much euen for it self but yet more for the suspicion I had that my vanitie was discouered then for that I was placed there For now already I became wearie of doing ill and I failed not to haue great feare of Almightie God whensoeuer I offended him and I procured to Confesse myself often But after those eight dayes yea peraduenture sooner I grew to be better pleased there then euen in mine owne Fathers house All the Religious were glad to be in my companie for in this our Lord endewed me with a particular grace that I alwayes gaue contentment wheresoeuer I was and so I vsed euer to be much beloued And though I were at that time in extremitie of being auerse from becoming a Religious woeman yet I ioyed to see so good Religious woemen as they were after an eminent proportion in that house and of great puritie and obseruance and recollection But yet notwithstanding all this the Diuel gaue not ouer to tempt me and he found out such persons from abroad as might disquiet me with certaine messages of theirs But in regard there was no great oportunitie for those things they quickly ceased and my soule beganne againe to accustome it selfe to the good impressions of my first youth and I saw how great fauour Almighty God doth them whome he casts into their companie who are good And it seemes as if the Diuine Maiestie had gone looking and yet looking againe by what meanes he might bring me back to himself Blessed be thou O lord who didst endure me so long Amen One particular there was which it seemes might turne a little to my excuse if I had not been guiltie of so manie faults And it is that the Conuersation which I held was with one who by way of marriage seemed to make it probable to end well And I informing myself about it of my Confessarius and of others also with whome I consulted in manie things they told me that I offended not Almighty God But now one of the Religious was lodged where we who were secular persons were also accommodated and it seemes that our lord was pleased to
also with hauing begunne so to vse Prayer as that I might be able to carrie my paine with much conformitie to his holie will The conuersation of my hart was wholy with him and I carried these words of Iob very vsually both in my thought and in my mouth Since vve haue receaued blessings and benefits at the hand of our Lord vvhy should vve not also suffer afflictions And I conceaued that this holpe to giue me courage At length came the Feast of our B. Ladie in August for till then from the April before had my torment continued though yet it had been greater in the three last moneths I then made hast to goe to Confession for I euer tooke much contentment to Confesse often My friends thought that it was feare of death which inuited me to be so deuout and so to the end that I might not be put into apprehension my Father would not let mee Confesse O inordinate and irregular loue of flesh and bloud since though I had so Catholick a Father and so full of prudence and consideration in all his actions which euen abounded in him for this could not be an effect of ignorance yet he might haue donne me hurt enough by this meanes That night I fell into such a Trance as continued to keepe me neer foure dayes without the vse almost of anie of my senses and shortly they came to giue me the Sacrament of Extreame Vnction and euerie hower or rather euerie moment it was expected when I should expire they being as diligent in saying the Creede in my hearing as if I had vnderstood them yea sometimes they held me for so certainly to be dead that afterwards I found the drops of the holie Wax-candles about mine eyes The affliction of my Father was great for his not hauing permitted me to goe to Confession Manie outcryes and manie prayers were made to Almightie God for me and blessed be he who was pleased to heare them for the Graue remaining open in the Church of my Monasterie a day and a half where my bodie was expected to be interred and my Funerall hauing been already celebrated by the Religious men of our Order in another towne where it was conceaued that I was dead our Lord was yet pleased at length that I should teturne to my self and so instantly I would needs goe to confession I receaued also the B. Sacrament with manie teares though yet in my opinion they were not shed with that sense and grief for only my hauing offended Almightie God which might haue serued to saue my soule if the errour into which I was brought by them who had told me that they were not matters of mortall sinne which afterward I saw plainly that they were might not serue my turne For the torments wherewith I remained were intollerable and my vnderstanding not very sharpe but rather dull though yet as I conceaued my Confession were entire of all things whereby I might thinke that I had offended God For this mercie did his Diuine Maiestie vouchsafe to allow me amongst others that after I had once begunne to receaue the B. Sacrament I neuer omitted to Confesse anie thing which I conceaued to be a sinne though it were but Veniall Though yet still me thinkes that without doubt my soule might haue runne hazard not to be saued if I had dyed then in regard that on the one side my Ghostlie Fathers had been so meanly learned and on the other side and indeed on manie sides in regard that in my self I was so wicked But this is alwaies a most certaine truth that when I returne to a thought of this passage and consider how it seemes as if our Lord had raised me againe from death to life I am filled with so huge an amazement that I remaine euen as it were all quaking within my self And now me thinkes it were well O my soule that thou wouldst gather this iust resolution from that great danger out of which it pleased our Lord to deliuer thee that although thou wouldst not fly from offending his Diuine Maiestie for Loue yet at least thou shouldst forbeare to doe it for Feare For he might haue taken thy life from thee a thousand times when thou wert in a more dangerous state and I thinke that I should not say too much if I did speake of a thousand times more though he perhaps may chide me who commanded me to vse moderation in the recitall of my sinnes and yet I doubt that I haue painted them out too fauourably and faire But I begg of him for the loue of our Lord that he will not once thinke of making me diminish my faults because the magnificence of Almightie God is to be discerned thereby and how much he is pleased to suffer and endure from a soule Let him be Blessed for euer and let it also please his Diuine Maiestie that he may rather consume me quite then that I should euer leaue to loue him more THE SIXT CHAPTER She treates of hovv much she ovved our B. Lord for his giuing her Conformitie to his holie vvill in so great afflictions And hovv she tooke the glorious S. Ioseph for her Intercessour and hovv aduantagious that Deuotion proued to be I Remained during those foure dayes of Agonie or Trance in such state that only our B. Lord is able to know the vnsufferable torments which I felt in my self My toung was deeply bitten by me in manie places My throat with hauing taken nothing and by reason also of my very great weaknes could not swallow so much as a drop of water without choaking Me thought I was totally disioynted and my head in extreame disorder I was also as it were all rowled vp and contracted as if I had been a Bottome of Packthridd for in this did the torments of those dayes fixe themselues without my being able once to stirr either hand or foot arme or head vnlesse they moued me anie more then as if I had been dead Only I thinke I was able to wagg one single fingar of my right hand Now for anie bodie to touch me in anie kinde there was no meanes at all for my whole person was so affected and afflicted as that there was no enduring to haue it touched In a sheet they would be remouing me now and then according to the occasion with one at one end therof another at the other and this lasted till Easter Only this I had by way of ease that if I were not approached and touched these torments would be ceasing manie times and then vpon the account of my being in lesse paine I was content to affirme my self to be well But indeed I was much afrayd least my patience should beginne to faile me and therfore I was not a little pleased to find my self without those sharpe and continuall torments though yet I had them after an vnsupportable manner togeather with a very great detestation of food whilst I had those fierce colds which indeed
whome we know we are beloued And as for you if you loue him not yet for to the end that it may be a true loue and that your friendship may last the conditions must be reciprocall and we know there can be no want on our Lord's behalf and that our nature is vitious sensuall and vngratefull and so we cannot perhaps obtaine fully at our owne hands to loue him so much because he is not of the same condition with vs yet considering how much it imports vs to hold friendship with him and how much he loues vs we must passe on and passe ouer this paine of being much in his companie who is of so different a condition from ours O infinite goodnes of my God! how true it is that me thinkes I see both thee and my self in this verie manner O thou who art the verie Regalo of the Angels in Heauen how faine would I euen defeat and dissolue my self totally in louing thee when I see and consider these things And how certaine a thing it is that thou art on the suffering hand in regard of such as will not suffer thee to remaine with them O how good a friend dost thou make thy self to thy friend O my Lord and how dost thou goe enduring him and regaling him And thou expectest till he make himself grow to be of thy condition and inclination and in the meane time thou endurest and permittest him to continue to be a while of his owne and thou takest O my deare Lord by way of good payment those fitts of time which he can be content to bestow vpon thee and vpon a minute of true sorrow and repentance thou forgettest all those sinnes whereby he hath offended thee All this haue I perceaued clearly in order to my self and for my part I cannot see O my Creatour how the whole world can forbeare to procure to draw neer to thy Diuine Maiestie that so it may be able to obtaine this particular kind of friendship with thee Such as are wicked and are not hitherto come to haue the like inclinations and dispositions to thine should yet come towards thee to the end that so thou mightst make them good and that they might endure thee to be with them though it were but for some two howers in the day yea euen though they would not the while stay in thy companie without a thousand distractions and tumblings vp and downe in wordlie cares and thoughts as I was wont to doe And for recompence of this violence which they vse to make against themselues by continuing in so good companie as thine for neither in those verie beginnings no nor euen afterwards also for a while can they tell how to doe better thou forcest O Lord the Diuels of Hell to forbeare a setting fiercely vpon them and permittest them to haue daily lesse power then other against them yea and thou puttest them into mens hands that they may ouercome them So that thou O thou Life of all liues dost neuer kill anie one of those Creatures who puts his confidence in thee nor of them who desire thee for a Freind but thou sustainest both the life of their Bodies with encrease of health and thou also dost impart it to the Soule For my part I cannot possibly vnderstand why men should feare as they doe to beginne to vse Mentall Prayer nor of what it is in fine that they are afrayd The Diuel indeed doth not ill in order to his owne wicked ends to procure to doe me hurt if by pretence and meanes of I know not what feares he can procure to make me forbeare a considering how much and how highly I haue offended Almightie God and how much I am obliged to him for his great mercies and benefits and to thinke vpon this truth that there is such a thing as glorie in Heauen and torments in Hell and vpon those great afflictions and sorrowes which our Lord endured for me in this life For this was still my Prayer when I was continuing in all those dangers and vpon this did I thinke whensoeuer I was able And very often yea and for some yeares togeather I was busier about desiring that the Hower might come quickly to an end still listning when the Clock would strike then vpon better things Yea and it hapned to me manie times that I knew not what Pennance could be set before me so very great as that I would not more willingly vndergoe it then recollect my self to Mentall Prayer And it is certaine that either the Diuel did set vpon me with such an vn-resistable force or els mine owne vvicked custome did it that I might not goe make Mentall Prayer and the sadnes of my hart vvas such euen vvhen I entred into my Oratorie for that purpose that I vvas faine to help and serue my self of all the strength and courage I had vvhich they say is not very little and it hath been seen that God hath giuen me more then is vsually possessed by vvoemen but that I haue employed it ill to force my self to make my Prayer and in fine it pleased our Lord to assist me But afterward vvhen I had vsed these violences to my hart I found my self vvith more quiet delight so that sometimes I grew to haue an expresse desire to pray Now therefore since it chanced that our Lord did suffer and endure so vvicked a Creature as my self and if it appeare plainly that all my miseries vvere redressed by this meanes vvhat person how vvicked soeuer he may be can find anie thing to be afrayd of heer For how wicked soeuer anie other bodie may haue been he vvill neuer be so yet after the enioying of so great Fauours from our B. Lord as I had receaued And vvho can euer come to dis-confide in his Diuine Maiestie vvho had patience vvith me so long vpon this onlie reason Because I desired and procured some meanes for time and place wherein he might be with me And euen this little thing I did often without anie inclination of mine owne but only by the great violence which either I offered to my self or els was offered to me by our Lord. Since therefore the vse of Mentall Prayer is so fitt yea and so very necessarie euen for such as serue not God but offend him and since no bodie can truly find anie such hurt which it can possibly doe as would not be much greater without Prayer at least how can such forbeare it as serue Almightie God and desire to serue him Most certainly vnlesse a man haue a minde to passe through the troubles miseries of this life with an addition of more miserie and to shut vp the verie gate against God himself for feare least he should giue him comfort by this meanes I cannot possibly vnderstand this proceeding of his I haue really great compassion and sorrow for those poore Soules who will needs serue Almightie God vpon their owne cost for as for them who vse Mentall Prayer
things for by meanes of such blessings as these doth our Lord impart that Fortitude to vs which we lost by our Sinnes And he should but vnluckily desire and exhort a man to despise and abhorre the world and encourage him to acquire all those great vertues which Christians of high perfection vse to possesse if he were not vpheld therein by a Liuelie Faith and by his hauing also felt some assurance of the loue which our Lord was pleased to beare him For naturally we are so very dead that we looke not after anie thing but that which we see at the present and so these verie Fauours are the things which awake strengthen our Faith I say not but that it may very well be that I being so very wicked am apt to iudge of others by my self that those others may need no more then the verie light and truth of Faith for the making their workes very perfect but I as very miserable haue beē in need of all possible helps Others may well say what they please but I relate what hath occurred to me as they who haue power ouer me cōmand and if he to whome I send it doe not like it he may teare it as knowing better then I what is vnfitt Whome I humbly beseech euen for the loue of our Blessed Lord that whatsoeuer I haue sayd hitherto concerning my wicked Life and my Sinnes he will publish it and from this instant I giue leaue both to him and all them who haue been my Ghostlie Fathers of which number he is to whome this goes addressed that they doe it euen now whilst I am liuing to the end that euen now I may deceaue the vvorld no longer vvhich els perhaps may thinke that there is some good thing in me and really and very really I speake truth to the best that I can novv vnderstand of my self that he shall giue me great comfort if he vvill doe it But as for that vvhich shall follovv heerafter in this Discourse I allovv him no such libertie at all nor vvill I by anie meanes giue vvay that if they chance to shevv the thing to anie Creature they declare vvho that person is vvith vvhome it passed nor vvho vvrote it and for this reason haue I forborne to name either my self or anie other vvho hath interuened to the Storie But I haue done the best I could to vvrite it so as that I may not be knowne and I desire for the loue of our Lord that it may euer remaine as a Secret For it vvill suffice that there are so learned and graue persons as may authorize anie thing vvhich is good if our Lord vvill giue me grace to relate it and if there be it must be his and not mine for they only vvho command me to vvrite it knovv that I vvrite it and at the present they are not heer and I vvrite it also as it vvere by stealth and vvith vvant of time and vvith some trouble because I am kept from spinning and I liue in a poore House and haue busines enough and if our Lord gaue me more abilitie and memorie of both vvhich I haue very little I might yet by meanes thereof serue my self of vvhat I had heard or read So that if I say anie thing vvhich is good our Lord vvill serue himself of it for some good end but vvhatsoeuer is ill sayd vvill be mine owne and that your Reuerence may blot out And both for the one and for the other there vvill be no reason at all to declare my name During anie bodies life it is cleare that the good he doth is not to be related and after death it vvill also serue for nothing in this case but only to make it loose all authoritie and credit for hauing been recounted by a person so base and so vvicked as my self And because I hope you vvill doe that vvhich I say and I humbly beg it of you euen for the loue of our Lord and of those others also vvho are to see it I write as you see vvith all libertie and clearnes for otherwise I should haue great scruple to doe it but only for the meer declaration of my Sinnes and in that I haue none at all As for other things it is enough that I am a woemā to make my wings fall downe flatt by my sides and hovv much more then since I am not only a weoman but a wicked woeman And therefore whatsoeuer your Reuerence shall finde heer beyond the bare relation of the course of my Life you must take to be only for your self since you would needs importune me so farre as to make you some declaration of the Fauours which our Lord had been pleased to doe me in Prayer supposing euer that you hold them to be in conformitie with the Truths of our Holie Catholick Faith for if not you are instantly to burne it and to this Direction I will stand So that I will declare what passed with me in this kinde to the end that if it shall proue conforme to Catholick truth it may be of some seruice to you and if not that you may be the better able to vndeceaue my Soule and so the Diuel may get nothing by that whereby I tooke my self to gaine For our Lord knowes that I euer haue procured to meet with persons who might giue me light as I shall shew afterward But how clearly soeuer I shall striue to declare these things concerning Prayer it will fall out to be obscure enough for such as haue no experience therein I will touch also vpon some impediments which according to my way of vnderstanding vse to oppose themselues against such persons as are walking on in this way and I will also point at some others in which there may be some danger according to what our Lord hath taught me by experience And I haue since treated with great learned men and persons who had giuen themselues to Spirit manie yeares and they see that his Diuine Maiestie hath vouchsafed me in seauen and twentie yeares wherein I haue vsed Mētall Prayer though I haue walked on so ill with so manie stumbling blocks in the way that experience which he hath not allowed to others in seauen and thirtie yea and in seauen and fourtie yeares whilst yet they had spent their liues in Pennance and euer in a course of Vertue Let him be Blessed for all and I be seech his Diuine Maiestie euen by what he is himself that he will vouchsafe to be serued by me For my deare Lord knowes very well that I pretend no other thing by this but only that he may be a little the more exalted and praised when you see that he would needs plant a Garden of so sweet Flowers vpon and in a Dung-hill so fowle and filthie and of so very ill fauour as I am I humbly beseech his Diuine Maiestie that I returne not through my fault to pluck them all vp by the rootes and so become againe
what I was before And this doe I intreat your Reuerence that you will beg of our B. Lord for me since you know with more clearnes what I am then heer you haue giuen me leaue to expresse THE ELEAVENTH CHAPTER She declares in vvhat the fault consists of not obtaining to loue God vvith perfectiō in short time She beginnes to deliuer it by a Comparison vvhich containes Foure degrees of Prayer And she treats heer of the First vvhich is very profitable for beginners and for them also vvho haue no sensible delight or gust in Prayer NOw to speake of them who beginne to be Seruants of our Blessed Lord for Loue and to me it seemes to be nothing els to resolue to follow him by this way of Prayer who loued vs so much I find it to be a thing of so great dignitie that I regale my self after a strange manner euen by the very thought thereof For seruile feare will instantly flye away if we carrie ourselues as we ought in this first degree of Prayer O thou Lord of my Soule and my eternall Good how comes it to passe that when a Soule resolues to loue thee and to doe the vttermost she can to leaue all this world that so she may the better employ her self vpon this loue of thee thou art not pleased that she should instantly enjoy the getting vp to possesse this perfect loue But I haue sayd ill for I ought indeed to haue sayd that I complaine against our selues because it is wee who will not possesse it since all the fault is ours for not instantly obtaining this true loue of God with perfection which carries all kindes of blessings in company thereof For the matter is that we set so high a price vpon our selues and we are withall so slow in giuing our harts totally to God that as his Diuine Maiestie on the one side will not permitt that we should enioy so pretious a thing without paying well for it so on the other we neuer make an end of disposing our selues therein as we ought I am able to see well enough that there is nothing at all in this world with which so great a treasure can be bought but yet if we did indeed what we could by not fastning our selues to anie thing of this world but that all our cares and considerations were sent-vp to Heauen I am confident that this blessing would be imparted to vs with very great speed if speedily and entirely as I was saying we disposed our selues to the receauing thereof as some Saints haue done But the miserie is that we thinke we giue God all and the truth is that we offer his Diuine Maiestie but the yearlie Rents or Reuenues and Fruits our selues remaining still with the rootes and possession of the Land We resolue to make our selues poore for God's sake and it is a point of great merit to doe so but yet we returne manie times to take care and to vse diligences enow that nothing may be wanting to vs I say not of that which is necessarie but sometimes also euen of that which is superfluous and to be procuring also to make friends who may help vs to it and so put vs still into more care yea perhaps into more danger too that so we may grow to want nothing then euen we had before when we were the possessours of our owne estates It seemes also that when we came to be Religious or as soone as we beganne to lead a Spirituall life and to aspire towards perfection we gaue-ouer to care for the honour of this world and yet as soone as euer anie Creature beginns but to touch vs in that kind we forget that we had already giuen it away to Almightie God and we resolue sometimes to snatch it againe out of his hands and runne away with it euen after we seemed to haue voluntarily made him the entire Lord therof And iust thus doth it also happen sometimes in other things Now this indeed is a very delicate fine foolish ridiculous way of seeking the loue of Almightie God when togeather with this pretence we will as a man may say haue our hands still full of the same imperfect inclinations and affections vvhich vve had before since vve doe not procure indeed to effect our owne former good desires and still vve endeauour not at length to raise them vvholy vp from the earth and yet vve vvill needs expect the while to enioy manie Spirituall comforts and delights But this seemes not to be of a Suite nor doth the one Stuffe sitt well vvith the other and therefore because vve vvill not once resolue to giue our selues totally vp to Almightie God vve come not totally to enioy this Treasure And I pray God it may please his Diuine Maiestie to vouchsafe to grant it to vs though it should be but by drop and drop and though it should grovv to cost vs all the labours and troubles of the vvhole vvorld A very great deale of mercie doth our Blessed Lord shevv to that person to vvhome he giues the firme purpose and grace to resolue vpon procuring this blessing vvith all his power for certainly if such an one shall perseuer Almightie God vvill deny himself to no Creature but will by little and little goe enabling that Soule in such sort as that at length it shall find it self to be victorious But I sayd that the Partie must haue courage because the Diuel doth ordinarily in the beginnings dispose himself to represent yea and frame very great difficulties to the end that so we may not hold-on this way in good earnest as one who knowes very vvell vvhat preiudice is like to grovv to him by it not only through his loosing the Soule of that Partie but of manie others also if he vvho beginns to serue God endeauour once by his fauour to ariue to the perfection therof For I belieue that such an one will neuer goe alone to Heauen but will carrie very manie with him and that like a good Captaine he shall finde that God will giue him a faire Companie So that since the Diuel will be sure to lay such dangers and difficulties in his way there will be need of very great courage and resolution to keep one from running away yea and also there vvill be need of much and much and very much fauour and mercie of Almightie God for this purpose Now therefore to speake of the beginnings of such as be already resolued to goe in search after so great a blessing and to obtaine vvhat they aspire to in the end for as for that vvhereof I vvas going once to speake concerning Mysticall Theologie for so I thinke it is called I vvill treat thereof afterward the great and greatest trouble consists euer in these verie beginnings For those are they which cost most when a Soule comes to giue our Lord the whole Stock And in the other degrees of Prayer which follow the most part of that which passes is
a firme Foundation So that the true Loue of God consists not in hauing teares or tendernes or Spirituall gusts which we are wont for the most part to desire and to take comfort in but to serue his Diuine Maiestie with Iustice and Fortitude and Humilitie For in that other course me thinkes we are rather on the taking hand then on the giuing anie thing of our owne As for poore weake sillie woemen and who are of little courage like me me thinks I could find it fitt that our Lord should carrie them on with Regalo that so they might be the better induced to suffer those afflictions which it hath pleased his Diuine Maiestie that they should beare But for the true Seruants of God men of Substance and solid wayes men of Learning and Vnderstanding to make so much reflection vpon God 's not giueing them tendernes of Deuotion as I see they doe I confesse it giues me disgust euen to heare it I say not but that they should receaue these Spirituall delights when God giues them yea and that they should esteem them very much because in that case his Diuine Maiestie will haue seen that they were conuenient for them but only that when they haue them not they should not vex themselues and that they should also vnderstand that when God giues them not they are not conuenient for them but that they ought to be and remaine the Lords of themselues in all things Let them belieue that this is a defect and fault in them for I haue seen and tryed it Let them belieue that this is an imperfection and that it is not to walke on with Libertie of Spirit but rather like weake and cowardlie people who dare not set vpon difficulties And I say not this so much for them who are but beginners though yet I presse it so farr because it imports very much that they beginne with this Libertie of Spirit and resolution but euen for others also For there are manie who haue already begunne and yet who neuer in fine resolue vpon doing heerin home what they ought and I belieue that this proceeds in great part from their not resoluing to take vp and carrie this Crosse from the verie beginning For such shall goe on still afflicted as conceauing that all that is nothing which they doe because when the Vnderstanding giues-ouer to worke and act they vse not to be able to endure it and yet perhaps they will grow euen fatt and strong at the verie self same time though themselues vnderstand it not to be so We are to thinke and know that our Lord doth not consider and care for these things for howsoeuer our selues may thinke that they are faults yet they are not so indeed and his Diuine Maiestie knowes our miserie and base condition much better then our selues and considers that these Soules desire to be thinking alwaies vpon him and that they desire to loue him And this is that firme purpose which he values and expects at our hands But that other is but an affliction which we bring vpon our selues for it serues but to disquiet the Soule and to giue occasion that if before it were vnable to take anie benefit by seruing God for one hower it may now be so for fowre And manie times for I haue very great experience of this case and know it to be true because I haue both considered it with care and haue also treated about it with Spirituall persons this growes euen from our corporall indisposition for we are so very totally infirme that this poore little wretched Soule of ours participates in the miseries of the Bodie and euen the alteration of the weather and the reuolution of their owne naturall humours are many times the occasion why without euen anie fault of their owne they cannot well doe euen what they would but are faine to suffer thus in all kindes And when they striue to force themselues in these coniunctures of time it proues to be so much the worse with them and the inconuenience will last so much the longer But discretion must be vsed heerin to weigh when this Effect proceeds from this Cause and they must not oppress and stifle this poore Soule but vnderstand and consider that it is sick Let the hower of Prayer in God's name be changed yea and manie times it will be fitt to doe so for some dayes and let them passe through this bannishment of theirs as well as they can since it is misfortune and miserie enough for a Soule which doth indeed loue Almightie God to see that she liues in so great miserie and that she is no way able to doe euen what her self desires in regard that she is lodged with so vntoward and ill an Host as this Bodie is I sayd this was to be done with discretion because sometimes the Diuel will be a cause of these things and therefore it is good neither alwaies to leaue the vsuall set time of Prayer whensoeuer there may be great disturbance and distraction in the Vnderstanding nor yet alwaies to stand tormenting the Soule towards the making it doe more then it can There are also other exteriour workes of Charitie of reading also which may be vsed though yet sometimes the Soule will not be so much as fitt euen for that but in that case let the Minde be euen subiect as it were to the Bodie for the loue of Almighty God since manie other times the Bodie serues the Soule and let the Partie in such cases take the entertainment and pastime of conuersation with others so that it be holie or diuert himself with going a little abroad to take the Ayre as the Ghostlie Father shall aduise For Experience is a great Schoole-Mistris in all things towards the giuing anie one to vnderstand what may be fitt and Almightie God is serued in all this busines for his Yoake is sweet and it is a thing of much importance that the Soule be not seruilely dragged as one may say but that it be carried sweetly on towards the receauing of more benefit and profit So that I aduise againe and againe for though I say it often it will doe no hurt because the matter imports so much that no bodie is to afflict nor oppress himself either through drynesses or disquiets or distraction of thoughts nor yet to goe vp and downe with anie such kind of tribulation if they pretend to gaine Libertie of Spirit But let him once beginne not to be in such a fright vpon the sight of the Crosse and he shall see how our Blessed Lord will help him to beare it and what contentment he will grow to haue and how he will be able to make his profit of all things For already we may sufficiently perceaue that if there be no Spring of Water in the Well we know not how to put anie there True it is that we must by no meanes be negligent and careless but endeauour to draw it out if there be
for the making a little more Prayer we shall out-stripp them who yet are subiect to so great Pennance Blessed be thou O Lord who hast made me so vnprofitable and vn-vsefull but yet I praise thee after an extraordinarie manner in regard that thou awakest so very manie who may awake vs. And we should doe well to make very continuall Prayer for them who giue vs light for what would become of vs without them in the midst of so great tempests as are now in the Church If some men haue been wicked the good will shine the brighter by their meanes I beseech our Lord to hold them vp with his hand that he may help such as help vs Amen I haue trauailed farr out of the way from that which I was going to say but all will serue the turne for beginners to the end that they may so put themselues vpon this high way that it may also proue to them a true way Returning therefore to what I sayd of meditating vpon Christ our Lord at the Pillar it is good to discourse a while and to thinke vpon the paine which he felt there and why he felt it and who it is that felt it and the Loue wherewith he felt it yet let not the Partie wearie himself by going about to seeke all this but let him remaine still there with a calme and quiet kinde of vnderstanding If he can let him employ himself vpon cōsidering who lookes vpon him and let him accompanie him and beg of him and humble himself before him and regale himself with him and in fine let him remember that our Lord deserued not to be there Whensoeuer you shall be able to doe this though it should fall out to be at the verie beginning of your Prayer you will find great benefit by it nay manie benefits are acquired by this manner of Prayer and at least my Soule found it so I know not whether I hitt right in declaring my self but your Reuerence will consider of that and I beseech our Blessed Lord that I may hitt right in euerlastingly pleasing him Amen THE FOVRTEENTH CHAPTER She beginnes to declare the Second Degree of Prayer vvherein our Lord is already pleased to giue the Soule more particular gusts vvhich she relates to the end that she may make them be vnderstood to be Supernaturall This Discourse is very much to be noted SInce now it is already declared with how much labour this Orchard is watered and how by the strength of the arme the Water is to be gotten out of the Well we must say somewhat of that Second way of drawing-vp this Water which the Lord of the Garden hath ordained that so by this artifice of the Wheele with those little Buckets which belong to it the Gardner may draw out more water and with lesse trouble and may be able to rest now and then and not be continually in labour Now this way being applyed to Prayer which is wont to be called Quiet Prayer is that whereof now I will treat The Soule doth heer beginne to recollect and as it were shut it self vp And it touches a little heer vpon the Supernaturall because the Powers thereof can by no meanes gaine this for it self by all the diligences which it can possibly vse It is true that sometimes she may seem to haue wearled her self in going round about the Turne and to haue laboured hard with the Vnderstanding and so to haue filled-vp the little Bucketts but heer the Water is growne-vp to be higher and so she labours much less then she did in drawing it out of the Well I say the Water is growne neerer to her because Grace giues it self now to be more clearly knowne by the Soule This is a kind of recollecting and as it were a shutting-vp of the Powers of the Soule into her self that so she may be able to enioy the contentment which then she hath with more gust But yet the vse of the Faculties is not lost nor doe they sleep but only the Will is employed and possessed in such sort that it is growne to be captiued though yet it self know not how only it giues consent that Almightie God may put it in Prison as one who vnderstands now very well how to let it self be made Prisoner to whome it loues O my deare Iesus and my Lord of how much worth is thy loue to vs in this case since it holds our loue fast in so strong chaines that it leaues vs not euen libertie at that instant to loue anie other thing then thy self The other two Faculties which are the Vnderstanding and Memorie are then assisting the Will to the end that they may goe enabling it to enioy so great a good although now and then it happen that howsoeuer they be euen thus vnited to the Will they yet are apt enough sometimes to dis-assist it much But in this case let not the Will make any great account of that but remaine still in her quietnes and ioy For if she shall persist in resoluing to recollect those other Faculties to herself both they and she will loose by the bargaine For they are then as so manie Doues who cōtent not themselues with the food or baite which the Lord of the Doue-House presents without their labouring for it but they goe to seek it in other places though yet they soone grow to finde it so bad that they quickly returne againe and so come and goe to see whether the Will may be brought to bestow anie part of that vpon them which it enioyes And if our Lord please to cast them anie food they stay and if not they goe againe to seeke it and all this while they conceaue that they are euen of vse and benefit to the Will it self though yet sometimes both the Memorie and Imagination euen whilst they haue a desire to represent that better to her which she enioyes fall out to doe her hurt in stead of good Let her therefore be content to carrie her self so towards them as I shall heer aduise since all that which passes heer is of extreame consolation and is obtained with so little labour that Prayer neuer wearies one heer though it chance to last very long because the Vnderstanding goes working now at great leasure and walkes as it were foot by foot and brings-vp another manner of quantitie of water then formerly it drew out of the Well and the teares which God giues in this case come already with very great ioy which howsoeuer we feele yet we procure them not This Water of the Well which imports the great Blessings and Fauours which our Blessed Lord shewes vs heer makes our vertues encrease incomparably more then that other of the former Degree of Prayer did because now the Soule is already beginning to get vp away from her owne miserie and already she growes to be allowed to haue some small notice euen of the gusts of glorie And this I thinke makes her thriue and
of Quiet Prayer She treats hovv manie Soules come to ariue to this Degree of Prayer and that fevv passe beyond it The particulars vvhich are touched heer are not only very profitable but very necessarie LEt vs now returne to our purpose This Quietnes and Recollection of the Soule is easily perceiued by the satisfaction and peace which is infused into her with a very great contentment and calmnes of the Powers of the sayd Soule togeather with a very great delight And now it seemes to her because she is not come yet anie further that already she hath nothing left to desire and that with a very good will she could make the same suite with S. Peter That her aboade might be euer there She dares not stirr or moue nay she would hardly giue her self leaue so much as to take her breath for feare least so that Good should be flying away out of her hands And the while the poore little Soule vnderstands not that as by her owne power she could doe nothing for the drawing of that good to her self so is she of lesse abilitie to detaine it there anie longer then our Lord shall be pleased to grant it I haue already declared that in this first Recollection and Quiet the Powers and Faculties of the Soule are not wanting but yet she is so fully satisfyed with God that as long as this occasion lasts howsoeuer those two other Powers may discompose themselues yet the Will remaining vnited with Almightie God that Quiet and calme rest is not lost but rather by little and little the Will againe recouers and recollects the Vnderstanding and Memorie For howsoeuer the sayd Will be not yet totally ingulfed yet is she so employed without knowing how that how diligent soeuer they be they know not how to depriue her of her contentment and ioy but rather she goes helping her self without anie trouble at all of her owne to the end that this little sparke of the Loue of Almightie God may not be quenched in her I beseech our Lord to allow me grace that I may giue this to be well vnderstood for there are manie and very manie Soules which ariue to be in this Degree or State and few which get beyond it and I know not who may be in fault thereof only I am sure enough that there is none in Almightie God For since his Diuine Maiestie doth a Soule the Fauour that she may be able to ariue to this point I cannot beleiue that he would cease to carrie her much further if it were not for some fault of her owne But now it imports the same Soule very much that when she ariues thus farre she may well vnderstand the great dignitie wherein she is and the great Fauours which our Lord hath donne her and how in all good reason she were no longer to be as of the Earth because it seemes now already that his goodnes makes her an Inhabitant of Heauen if it be not her fault and wretched shall she be if she turne back and I belieue it would be then to goe downe low enough whither I was going if the mercie of our Lord had not made me turne yet back againe For the most part in my opinion they giue ouer for very greiuous faults of their owne nor is it possible for anie Creature to quitt so great a good without the blindnes of being subiect to committ some very great ill And therefore I humbly beseech those Soules euen for the loue of our Lord to whome his Maiestie hath done so great a Fauour as to make them able to reach this Degree and State that they will know themselues yea and that they will hold themselues in great account with an humble and holie presumption that so they may neuer returne againe to the Flesh-Potts of Egipt And yet that if through their weaknes and wickednes and through their naughtie and miserable condition they should chance to fall back as I did they will euer be yet representing to themselues the great good which they haue lost and that also they will grow into suspicion of themselues and walke along with Feare as they haue really great cause to be afrayd And if they returne not to Prayer they will be sure to goe from bad to worse for this indeed doe I call a true Fall when one comes once to abhorre that verie way whereby they purchased so great a good and it is with such Soules that I am speaking now For I say not that Soules will neuer offend God nor that they will neuer committ anie Sinne though yet still it were but reason that whosoeuer had begunne to receaue such Fauours as these should be very carefull to keep themselues from committing anie But in fine we are miserable Creatures and that which I aduise very earnestly is that they will not giue-ouer their Prayer for there shall they come to know what they are doing and there shall they gaine sorrow for hauing left our Lord and strength to rise againe And let that Soule beleiue and let her doe it home that if she depart from Prayer she growes in my opinion to runne great hazard I know not whether I hitt right in what I say but at least I iudge of others by my self But now in the meane time this kinde of Prayer is a certaine Sparke of the Fire of that true Loue which our Lord beginnes to kindle in a Soule and his pleasure also is that the same Soule shall goe vnderstanding what kinde of thing this Loue is and what kinde of great Regalo and delight it brings This Quiet and Recollection and little Sparke if indeed it be of the Spirit of God and not a gust either giuen by the Diuel or yet procured by our selues though yet still one who hath experience cannot possibly but vnderstand at the verie instant that it is no such thing as can be acquired saue that euen in our verie Naturall condition we are so greedie of all that which is sauourie that we will needs tast of all but if as I sayd it be of the Diuel we quickly grow againe to be very cold And how much soeuer we our selues may beginne to make this Fire also burne for the procuring of this gust we seem to haue indeed a minde to doe no other busines heerby then to cast-on water enough to quench it whereas if in verie deed this little Sparke were of Diuine Loue and were conveyed by Almightie God into the Soule how small and poore soeuer it be it would find some shift or other to make a mightie noise And if the Soule doe not quench it by her owne fault this proues that verie thing which beginnes to make a huge kinde of fire and sends forth great flames from it self as I shall declare in fitt place of that mighty loue of God which his Diuine Maiestie is gratiously pleased that perfect Soules should enioy And this verie Sparke is a certaine kinde of signe and euen pawne
I may neuer conuerse more with any Creature or els finally O Lord giue order that I may haue nothing to doe in this world or at least take me out of it quite For now already O my God this Seruant of thine is no longer able to endure so great afflictions as she feeles to come vpon her by her being thus without thee And if she needs must liue she desires to haue no ease in this life nor indeed dost thou giue her anie for it is death to her to see her self eat she is afflicted by the sleep she takes she findes that her whole life is spent and past through in Regalo's and yet that now there is nothing but thy self who can indeed regale her So that it seemes I liue now euen against nature since now I would faine not liue in my self but only in thee O thou my true Lord and my Glorie how delicate and yet how hugely heauie is that Crosse which thou hast prepared and prouided for such as ariue to this State It is delicate because it is incredibly sweet and it is heauie because there grow to be certaine times when there is not patience enough in the whole world to enable vs to endure it and yet the Soule would neuer desire to be free from it vnlesse it were to the end that she might find her self once to be with thee And when also the same Soule remembers that she was neuer able to doe thee seruice in anie thing and that by continuing to liue it may yet perhaps be possible for her to serue thee she would be glad if she might lye vnder a very much more heauie burthen then the former yea and that she might also neuer dye euen till the verie end of the world She values not anie manner of repose or rest so much as to the weight of one haire in comparison of doing thee anie poore little seruice nor doth she know what more to desire but she is only sure of thus much that she desires nothing but thy self O my Sonne for you to whome this is directed and who haue commanded me to write it are so humble that you will needs be called by that name let these things be only for your self when you see that I am gone out of all limits for there is no kind of reason which suffices to keep me from leauing the vse of humane reason when our Lord is pleased to draw me thus out of my self Nor doe I know or belieue that it is I who am speaking thus euer since I receaued the B. Sacrament this morning For me thinkes I doe but dreame of what I see and I would be glad not to see anie other then such as are sick of that verie same disease which is now vpon me I humbly beseech your Reuerence that we may all become like madd fooles for his loue who was content to be called Foole for the loue of vs. And since your Reuerence sayes that you wish me so cordially well I desire that you will shew it by disposing your self in such sort as that our Lord may doe you this Fauour For I see there are very few men who haue not more witt then euen they need for the effecting such things as they hold to concerne them but now perhaps I may haue more then they all But doe not you suffer this my deare Father since you are so as well as my Sonne because you are my Confessarius to whose hands I haue committed the care of my Soule but vnbeguile me by telling me truth though truths be now a-dayes seldome told And now I would be very glad that we Fiue who at the present loue one another in Christ our Lord That I say as others meet in secret against the Seruice of his Diuine Maiestie for the ordering of their wickednes and their Heresies we also might procure sometimes to meet for the disabusing one another and to conferr how we might reforme our selues and giue Almightie God more gust For there is no Creature that knowes himself so well as they doe who looke vpon vs so that it be with true loue and care of our amendment I speake of this as a Secret and in your care for now already no such language as this is vsed when euen Preachers themselues goe so composing their Sermons as that they may be sure to giue men no disgust by them But their intention forsooth is so good as that the fruits will be answerable to it and so we see how few grow to mend their liues But how comes it now to passe that they are not very manie who giue ouer to be publique in following vice by meanes of those Sermōs which are made Shall I tell what I thinke It is because the Preachers make themselues too wise Not yet that they are indeed without witt by reason of any great fyre of the Loue of Almighty God which is in their harts as the Apostles were and so their flame falls-out to giue but very little heat I say not that I expect that it should be so great as theirs was but yet I hartily wish that it were greater then I can now find it is Your Reuerence knowes in what very much would consist Namely in hauing this life of ours in detestation and honour in very little estimation and that rather then faile both to speake truth and to maintaine it for the glorie of Almightie God we would be as well contented to loose all as to gaine all For whosoeuer is resolued in very good earnest to put it all to hazard for the loue of our Blessed Lord will be as well content with the one as with the other I say not that I am anie such Creature but I hartily wish I were O great and gallant Libertie to esteem it for a direct captiuitie to be bound to liue and conuerse according to the Lawes of this World For when this is once obtained at the hands of Almightie God there is not so base a Slaue vpon Earth as would not venture all that so he might redeem himself and returne home to his owne Countrie And since this wherein we are is the true way there is neither cause nor colour why we should desire to loyter in it For we shall neuer finish the gaining of so great a treasure till our Lord giue vs his grace to doe it well I humbly pray your Reuerence to teare this which I haue written if you thinke fitt and pardon me for I haue presumed too farre THE SEAVENTEENTH CHAPTER She prosecutes the same Argument about this Third Degree of Prayer And finishes the declaration of the effects vvhich it vvorkes and declares also the disaduantage vvhich the Memorie and Imagination are vvont to bring in this case I Haue already spoken to some good proportion of this manner of Prayer and of that which the Soule is to performe therein or rather of what God doth in her for now it is himself who takes the Office of Gardner
imagine But I am of opinion that when the Soule doth anie thing on her part to help her self on as afforesayd towards that Prayer of Vnion how soeuer for the present it may seem to doe good yet the building will quickly fall as wanting anie sound foundation and I am afrayd that she will neuer ariue to true Pouertie of Spirit which consists in not desiring so much as comfort or gust in Prayer for all those of this world are forsaken already except consolation in affliction and that for loue of him who euer liued in them but to remaine also quiet in those verie afflictiōs and aridities for though they faile not to haue some little trouble thereat yet is it not so farre as to giue them anie such disquiet and paine as some giue themselues by conceiuing that if they be not alwaies labouring with their Vnderstanding and to haue sensible deuotion all is lost as if they could deserue so great a good by the paines they take I say not that they should not procure and maintaine themselues with much care in the Presence of Almightie God but if yet they be not able to obtaine no not so much as one good thought as I haue sayd els where yet let them not torment themselues because we all are vnprofitable Seruants what can we conceiue that wee shall be euer able to doe Our Lord is much better pleased that we may come to know this truth and that we may hold our selues fitt to be treated like some poore little Asses to turne that wheele about whereby the sayd Water is to be gotten who though they be put in blindfold doe not so much as know what they doe will yet get-vp more water then the Gardner with all the diligences he can vse No we must walke in this way with libertie of Spirit put our selues into the hands of Almighty God If his Diuine Maiestie shall be pleased to aduance vs to be of his Chamber Councell we must goe with a good will but if not we must be content to serue in inferiour employments and not to seate our selues in the best place as I haue sayd els where Almightie God hath more care of vs then we haue of our selues and knowes for what euerie bodie is fitt and for what therefore doth it serue for him to gouerne himself when already the whole Will is disposed of and giuen away to Almightie God In my opinion it is lesse to be tollerated or endured heer then in the First Degree of Prayer and it doth vsmuch more harme if any such errour be committed by vs for these are Supernaturall blessings If a man haue an ill voice how much soeuer he shall enforce himself to sing the voice will not be made good by it but if God shall once haue made it good he needes not be crying out before hand Let vs therefore alwaies humbly pray him to shew vs fauour let the Soule be wholy resigned but yet withall confiding in the greatnes of God And now when she hath gotten leaue to remaine at the feet of Christ our Lord let her not stirre from thence but continue in what sort soeuer it may be and let her imitate the Magdalena for when he shall find her strong he will take her vp with him to the Desert So that your Reuerēce shall doe well to keepe your self in this way till you meet with some other who may haue more experience then I and may know it better Only if they be persons who were but beginning to haue gust in Almightie God doe not beleiue them for they conceiue that they profit themselues more and haue more gust when they helpe themselues in such sort as is declared before O how Almightie God comes clearly and openly enough in without these little prettie helpes when he hath a minde to it and so as that whether we will or no he eleuates and hurries-away the Spirit euen as some Giant would dispose of a straw and so as that no resistance can be thought of But what a kind of impertinency is it for a man to beleiue that whensoeuer he lists a Toade should be made able to flye of it self And I hold it to be a more difficult and absurd kind of thing that the Spirit should be able to raise and exalt it self without being exalted and raised by Almightie God for it is all loaden with earth and with a thousand impediments and it will proue to be of little vse to it that it haue a minde to flye for though flying be more naturall to a Soule then to a Toade yet this Soule is already all plunged in a great bed of dutt myre as haueing lost that other qualitie by her owne fault I will therefore conclude with this that whensoeuer we dispose our selues to thinke and meditate vpon Christ our Lord we must remember the loue wherewith he did vs so manie Fauours and now greatly Almightie God was pleased to shew it to vs by giuing vs so high a pledge and pawne of his loue for one loue begetts and breeds another And though we should he meer poore beginners in this holie exercise and though we should withall be very wicked yet let vs still procure to be looking vpon this Obiect and still be stirring our selues vp to loue For if once our Blessed Lord vouchsafe to imprint this loue into our harts all things will grow easie to vs and we shall quickly fall to worke and that without anie trouble to our selues at all I beseech his Diuine Maiestie that he will vouchsafe to bestow it vpon vs since he knowes how very much the same imports vs for we beggit by the great loue which he bore to vs and for the sake of his Glorious Sonne who also loued vs all so extreamly to his owne cost Amen One thing I would faine aske your Reuerence how our Lord beginning to doe Fauours to a Soule and those so eminent and high as to bring her to perfect Contemplation which Soule were therefore in all reason to grow and remaine entirely perfect euen at that instant for certainly it ought to be so since whosoeuer receiues so very great blessings from Heauē should be extreamly farre from careing for anie such delights as concerne this life can possibly bring to passe that when she growes to haue Rapts and so to receiue more Fauours higher Effects thereof and that so much the more as she falls-out to be more vntyed from the world and considering yet withall how in the very first instant when our Lord ariues to a Soule he can leaue her entirely sanctifyed how I say our Lord can abandon this Soule afterward in processe of time without maintaining it in the perfection of vertue This I say would I very faine know for I vnderstand it not yet though I know well that it is a very different case what proportion of strength Almightie God leaues in a Soule when his visitation at the first
they should not speake thereof But this serued my turne to little purpose for there chanced to be one at the Gate when I was called who published it ouer all the Conuent But now what difficulties and troubles and feares doth the Diuel vse to prouide for such persons as dispose themselues to approach to Almightie God When I was treating with that Seruant of his Diuine Maiestie who was greatly so and a man also of very good discretion about the passages of my whole life and of my Soule he declared to me what euerie thing was as a man who vnderstood that language very well and he encouraged me much and told me that it was euidently the Spirit of Almightie God which wrought in me But that I must returne againe to the exercise of Prayer because I was not well grounded therein nor had so much as begunne to know what Mortification meant and this was very true for I had hardly euer well vnderstood so much as the name but that I should by no meanes giue-ouer my Prayer but rather employ my self with more diligence and endeauour therein since Almightie God had been pleased to doe me so particular Fauours and what sayd he could anie bodie tell whether it might not please our Lord to doe good to manie euen by your meanes Other things also he sayd in such sort as that he might seem euen to haue prophecyed then concerning those things which our Lord was pleased to grant and effect afterward And I should be subiect to very great blame if I corresponded not with those Fauours which our Lord vouchsafed to shew me In all things it seemed to me that the Holie Ghost spake to me by this Father in order to the Cure of my Soule so distinctly grew euerie thing to be imprinced therein He put me to great confusion and directed me by such meanes to proceed that he seemed to make me absolutly euen another Creature So great a thing it is to vnderstand a Soule He willed me euerie day to meditate vpon some passage of the Passion of our Blessed Lord and that I should helpe my self thereby and that I should not thinke but vpon his Holie Humanitie and that I should resist those recollections and gusts as much as I could and not giue place to them till he should expresse himselfe to me by some other order He left me both comforted and strengthned and our Lord assisted both me and him to the end that he might vnderstand my condition and in what sort I was to gouerne my self and I remained with a resolution not to swarue at all from anie thing which he had or should cōmand me and therein haue I continued till this verie day Our Lord be blessed and praised for hauing giuen me grace to obey my Ghostlie Fathers though yet after an imperfect manner and they haue in effect euer been these blessed men of the Societie of IESVS howsoeuer as I was saying I haue followed them after an imperfect manner But now my Soule beganne to receiue an euident kind of amendment and improuement as I will heer declare THE FOWRE AND TWENTIETH CHAPTER She prosecutes the former Discourse and shevves hovv her Soule vvent profiting vvhen once she had begunne to obey She also declares for hovv little purpose it serued to resist the Fauours of Almightie God And hovv his Diuine Maiestie vvent daily imparting them to her after a more compleat manner BVt now my Soule remained so supple and tractable by meanes of this last Confession of mine that I thought there could be nothing to which I would not dispose my self and so I instantly beganne to change in manie things though yet my Ghostlie Father did not presse me much but rather seemed to make little account of them And this wrought euen so much the more vpon me for he carried me rather on by way of giuing me certaine libertie in little things then of pressure vnlosse my selfe could find in my hart to doe it for Loue. In the meane time I continued vpon the point of two moneths vsing all the diligence that possibly I could to resist the Fauours and Regalo's of Almightie God As for my exteriour conuersation and proceeding there was already an apparant change to be seen in me for already our Blessed Lord beganne to giue me courage to doe certaine things which the persons who saw and knew me held to be extreame and euen in the verie House it self and in respect of what I was wont to doe before they might indeed be accounted to hang that way though yet still it all fell short enough of that to which I was obliged both by the Habit which I had taken and by the Profession also which I had made From that resistance which I made to the gusts and Regalo's of Almightie God I gained thus much that his Diuine Maiestie came to be pleased to be my Instructour himself For before it seemed that for the disposing me towards the receiuing of anie such Regalo's as those there was need that I should retire and shut my self as it were vp into corners and I also durst not as it were moue or stirre But afterward I quickly found how little all that serued to the purpose for when I procured to diuert my self most so much the more did our Blessed Lord couer me as it were all ouer with that kind of Suauitie and glorie as seemed euen to compasse me in on euerie side in such sort as that it was not possible for me to scape from it And really so it was for as for me I tooke so much care to decline it that it did euen put me to paine and yet our Lord was pleased euen still to haue more care to be doing me Fauours and to expresse himself that way in those two moneths I say much more then he had formerly done to the end that I might the better know that this busines did now no longer depend anie way vpon my self And now I beganne to grow to carry a new and fresh kind of loue towards the most Sacred Humanitie of our Blessed Lord and my Prayer beganne to settle it self like a Building which now had morter in it that might make the parts stick togeather and I beganne also to incline my self more to the doing of Pennance wherein I was growne a little slack by reason of my so great infirmities For that holie man to whome I made my Confession told me that some kindes of Pennance which he named would doe me no hurt and that perhaps Almightie God gaue me sicknes in the qualitie of Pennance since I would impose none vpon my self He willed me also to doe certaine acts of Mortification which were not very pleasing to me though yet I went-through with them all because it seemed to me as if our Lord himself had commanded them and his Diuine Maiestie gaue him also grace to direct them in such sort as that I should be glad to obey him My Soule went then
greatly feeling euerie offence which I might committ against Almightie God how light or small soeuer the same might be in such sort and to so high a proportion as that if I did but weare anie one little superfluous thing about me I was not able to recollect my self till I had put it off I made much Prayer to our Blessed Lord that he would be pleased to protect me still and that since I conuersed and treated the busines of my Soule with his Seruants he would neuer permitt that I should returne back againe for I conceiued that that would be a strange offence in me yea and that euen they would grow to loose credit by it vpon my occasion At this time came to this place Father Francis Borgia who had been Duke of Gandia and who already some yeares before had left all and had entred into The Societie of IESVS And now my Ghostlie Father as also the Cauallier of whome I spoke before came to me with desire that I would speake with Father Borgia and that I would also giue him account of the Prayer I held for they knew that the said Father Borgia was a person farre aduanced in being much fauoured and regaled by Almightie God and that as one who had left very much in this world for the loue of our Lord he was resolued to pay him for it euen here When Father Borgia had heard me he told me that it was the Spirit of Almightie God and that he was of opinion that now it was fitt no longer to resist his Fauours though yet till then he thought it to haue been well done But that I should alwaies beginne my Prayer with the consideration of some passage of the Passion and if afterward our Blessed Lord would eleuate the Spirit I should not resist it but suffer his Diuine Maiestie to carrie it away prouided alwaies that my self should not haue anie hand in procuring it But he in fine as being a man who had trauailed farre already in that way did giue me both counsaile and phisick For experience is a great matter in these affaires and he sayd it was an errour to resist the Fauours of Almightie God now anie longer My self was greatly comforted by this and so also was the Cauallier and he reioyced much to heare Father Borgia say that it was of Almightie God and he also aduised and assisted me in what he could which was very much About this time they changed my Ghostlie Father from that place to another which I resented extreamly for I thought I was to turne wicked againe as also I conceiued that it would not be possible that euer I should finde another like him My Soule was full of discomforts and feares euen as if it had been planted in a kind of Desert nor did I know in fine what to doe with my self A certaine Kinswoeman of mine procured then to carrie me along with her to her House and I procured also to goe the rather that so I might get another Confessarius of the Societie of IESVS Our Lord was also pleased then that I should make freindship with a certaine Ladie a Widdow who was both of much qualitie and of great Prayer and she conuersed very much with the Fathers of the sayd Societie and she drew me also to Confesse to her Confessarius I remained a good while in her house for she liued neer me and I was glad to treat much with those Fathers for euen by the only vnderstanding which I came to haue of the sanctitie of their conuersation and way of proceeding the profit which my Soule found and felt was great This Father beganne to addresse me and engage me vpon wayes of more Perfection He told me that for the giuing Almightie God entire contentment and gust there was nothing to be lest vndone But this he sayd with a great deale of prudence and sweetnes for my Soule was not yet anie thing strong but green and tender especially in the point of giuing-ouer certaine freindships which I maintained at that time for though I offended not Almightie God thereby yet the affection which I bore them was very great and I held it to be a kind of ingratitude to giue them ouer And so I also told him that since Almightie God was not offended by it what reason could there be why I should become vngratefull He sayd I should doe well to recommended it to Almightie God for some dayes and to recite the Hymne of Veni Creator Spiritus c that so the Holie-Ghost might giue me light to doe that which was best Hauing therefore been one day much in Prayer and humbly beseeching our Blessed Lord that he would assist me to please him in all things I beganne the Hymne and whilst I was saying it there came a Rapt vpon me so instātly and so suddainly that it tooke me as it were out of my self and of this I could not doubt for it was very euident and it was also the verie first time that our Lord shewed me the Fauour of Rapts and then I heard these words from him I vvill not haue thee novv hold conuersation vvith men but vvith Angells This gaue me a great amazement for the commotion of the Soule was great and those words were spoken to me in the verie interiour part of the Spirit so that they made me afrayd though yet on the other side they gaue me also great consolation which vpon the verie flight of that feare which had in my opinion caused that strange noueltie did still remaine with me The truth is that this Speech of our Lord hath been very well accomplished and performed for neuer haue I been euen able anie more to establish anie friendship at all nor to feele anie consolation nor entertaine anie particular loue towards anie other person then such as I vnderstand and know to loue Almightie God and to procure to serue him Nor is it now anie longer in my hand or power nor serues it a whitt to the purpose whether any of them be kindred or friends or no for if I vnderstand not that he is the Seruant of Almightie God or a person addicted to Prayer it is no lesse then a heauie crosse for me to conuerse much with anie Creature And this is certainly true to the vttermost of what I can iudge of my self From that day forward I haue remained full of courage and resolution to leaue the whole world for Almightie God in regard he had been pleased in that verie moment for it seemed no more to me then a verie moment to make this Seruant of his become wholy another Creature then what she had been So that now there was no longer need that they should command me in that particular anie more for when my Ghostlie Father had found me to be so fixed vpon this point he had not yet aduentured to will me expresly to doe it For he did without all doubt expect that our Lord should be pleased to
and so make those Wretches tremble For already we know well enough that the Diuel is not able to stirre vnlesse our Lord permit him What then may be the ground of all these disorders It is certainly that I am more afrayd of them who are so frighted by the Diuel then of the Diuel himself for he is vtterly vnable to doe me hurt whereas these others especially if they be Ghostlie Fathers may put Soules to much disquiet and for my part I haue passed some yeares through so great trouble that now I am euen amazed to consider how I haue been able to endure it But Blessed be our Lord who hath assisted me in so good earnest Amen THE SIX AND TWENTIETH CHAPTER She prosecutes the same Discourse and goes relating and declaring such things as hapned to her vvhich made her loose feare and to be strengthned in a beleif that it vvas a good Spirit vvhich spake to her I Esteem the courage which our Lord hath vouchsafed to giue me against all the Diuels of Hell to be one of the great Fauours which it hath pleased his Diuine Maiestie to doe mee since for a Soule to goe cowardly on and to be fearefull indeed of anie thing but only to offend the Maiestie of Almightie God is an extreame inconuenience For since we haue a King who is Omnipotent and so great a Lord that he can doe what he listes and who brings all things into subiection vnder himself there is no feare at all to be had and therefore as I was saying we haue no cause to doubt so that we walke sincerely and with puritie of conscience in the presence of his Diuine Maiestie And in order to this end I shall be glad to haue all the feares in the world to offend him in anie one instant of my whole life who is able in the verie self-same instant to destroy and annihilate vs all As long as his Diuine Maiestie is pleased with vs there is no Creature who can stand against vs without hauing his head broken for his paines You will peraduenture say that this is very true but yet now on the other side where shall we find that Soule which stands so streight as that she may be wholy pleasing to him and because she is not so she is in feare I answer that I am sure that that pure and innocent Soule is none of mine which indeed is very wretched and vnprofitable and surcharged euen with a thousand miseries But yet still we haue this comfort that Almightie God doth not proceed with such rigours as men doe for he knowes and considers our frailties and the Soule hath wayes of vnderstanding and finding in it self by great coniectures whether really she loue his Diuine Maiestie or no for in such as ariue once to this state our loue to him is not now a kind of dissembled or disguised loue as it vses sometimes to be in the beginnings but it is accompanied with so great impulses and euen impetuosities of desire to see Almightie God as I shall afterward declare or rather as I haue declared already and all things are wont to afflict all things to wearie tyre and all things doe euen torment her vnlesse it be only God or for God There is not so much as anie repose which doth not displease her because she findes her self absent from her true repose and so it falls-out to be very euident that things passe not heer in a dissembling way It hath hapned to me in former times that I found my self in great tribulations and I was subiect to manie detractions by occasion of a certaine busines whereof I may haue cause to speake afterward from all that House where I liue yea and from my Order and I was afflicted vpon manie accidents which occurred then at which time it pleased our Lord to vtter these expresse words to me Of vvhat art thou afrayd Dost thou not knovv that I am Omnipotent I vvill accomplish all that vvhich I haue promised thee And indeed he accomplished it afterwards very well But euen instantly there remained such a kind of strength in me that me thought I could presently haue put my self to aduenture vpon other things though they should cost me much more trouble for the doing him seruice and could haue suffered also much more for him And this verie self same thing hath hapned to me so often that I am not able to count the times and he hath made me and makes me still such reprehensions by occasion of those imperfections which I commit sometimes that they are able euen as it were to annihilate the Soule At least they bring so much in their company as that she is mended by them for his Diuine Maiestie as I haue sayd doth not only giue vs the counsaile but the remedie At other times he brings back to me the memorie of the Sinnes of my former life and this he most ordinarily vses to doe whensoeuer he intends to vouchsafe me anie extraordinarie Fauour And he doth it in such sort that the Soule discernes her self as if she were really planted at the verie Day of the Last Vniuersall Iudgement and the truth is represented to her with such a kind of perspicuitie and claritie that she knowes not what to doe with her self At other times he is pleased to informe me of certaine dangers concerning both my self and others about things which doe not happen till three or fowre yeares after but they all were euer fulfilled and some of them might also be named if there were cause So that there are so manie particulars whereby it may be vnderstood that these things are of Almightie God as that in my opinion they cannot but be knowne and acknowledged The most secure proceeding consists in that such a person doe not faile to impart her whole Soule to her Ghostlie Father and that he be a learned man and that she doe entirely obey him At least this is the course which I take and without this I could haue no rest nor were it indeed fitt that we woemen should haue anie since we haue no learning and there can be no hurt at all in this but manie aduantages and benefits as our Lord himself hath told me manie times I say manie times I had once a Ghostlie Father who mortifyed me very much and sometimes he did euen afflict me and brought me a great deale of trouble and disquieted me in extraordinarie manner and yet it was he who in my opinion did me the most good of them all And though I loued him very much yet I had some temptations to leaue him for it seemed to me that I was much preiudiced by those inconueniences which he was wont to giue me concerning my Prayer But yet euer when I was determining to doe this I instantly vnderstood that I was to forbeare it and I receiued such a reprehension from our Lord as defeated and as it were annihilated me more then all that which my Ghostlie Father could
by procuring that few may haue the witt to vnderstand thee right But now to what a passe are we come since some will needs conceiue that God is the better serued by them when they get themselues to be held for discreet and wise yea this indeed must needs be so as now we are growne to vnderstand the word Discretion For now we will needs make our selues beleiue that it is matter forsooth of small edification not to goe vp and downe the world with great authoritie and composition of cloathing and dressing euerie one according to his condition Nay euen to the Fryer and Preist and Nunne some are now growne to be of opinion that to weare anie thing which is old or peiced were a kind of noueltie and a giuing scandall to the weake and so it is also now if they liue with much recollection and vse Mentall Prayer To such a passe the world is growne But the studie and practise of Christian Perfection the great impulses which the Saints were wōt to haue for the obtaining thereof is the thing which I beleiue doth more harme to the miserable wretched actions which are cōmitted by euill men in these times then it could possibly be of scandall to anie Creature that such as are Religious should publish that to the world by their workes of which they talke by their words to the end that so Mankinde might grow to hold this world in meane accoūt For out of such kindes of scandall as these our Lord would draw great seruice for himself good for them And if some men would needs be scandalized at it others would yet haue remorse at least we should remaine with some little designe or draught of that which Christ our Lord his Apostles endured for vs since we haue now more need of it then euer But O what an excellent example did Almightie God take lately from vs in the person of that Blessed man Fray Pedro de Alcantara The world was now no longer able euen to endure such a Perfection as his for now forsooth they say that the health of men is growne weaker and that now we doe not liue in those former times But that holie man liued in this time and yet he had as full and great Spirit towards Almightie God as men had in the dayes of old and so he trode the world downe vnder his feet And though euerie bodie doe not goe bare-foot nor performe so sharp and strict pennance as he yet are there manie other wayes as I haue sayd before whereby a man may treade the world vnder his feet and our Lord will teach vs these wayes when he findes that a man's minde is fitt and well-prepared for them And how great an one did Almightie God bestow vpon this Saint of whome now I speake to goe through seauen and fourtie yeares of his life with so sharp and rigourous pennance as is generally knowne And I will say some little thing of it because I know that it is all most certainly true He told me a certaine particular and so he also did an other from whome he was as little curious to conceale himself as from me but as for me the only reason why he did it was the loue he bore me because our Lord would haue it so to the end that he might help me and encourage me also in a certaine time of so great necessitie as I haue related And now I will declare how to the best of my remembrance he said that he had slept but one hower and a half in the foure and twentie howers of day and night for two and fourtie yeares togeather and that it was the greatest mortification and trouble of pennance that he had felt in those beginnings to ouercome himself in point of sleep and that in order also to this end he was alwaies at other times either standing vpon his feet or els kneeling and that only when he slept he satt and that with his head leaning aside vpon a certaine little peice of wood which was fastned for that purpose in the wall To extend his bodie at length in his Cell was not possible for him though he should haue a minde to it for it is knowne to haue had but foure foot and a half in length In all these two and fourtie yeares he neuer put on his Capouch or Hood how hot soeuer the Sunne or how great soeuer the rayne might be nor did he euer weare anie thing vpon his feet nor was his bodie clad but only with a Habit of thick course Sackcloath without anie other thing at all vpon him and this was so very straight as that he might be only able to put it on with a little short Mantle of the same vpon it He told me that when the weather was extreamly cold he was wont to put off his sayd Mantle and to leaue also the doore and the little window of his Cell open that so when afterward he put the Mantle on againe and shut his doore he might giue his bodie so much contentment by it as that it might be quieted without more cloathing It was a very ordinarie thing with him not to eat till the third day after he had eaten last and he told me by way of answer to the wonder in which I was at it that this was a thing very possible for one who would accustome himself to it And a certaine Companion of his also told me that it hapned for him sometimes not to eat anie thing at all in eight dayes but that perhaps might happen when he was in Prayer for he vsed to haue great Rapts and vehement impulses or impetuosities of the loue of Almightie God whereof my self was once an eye-witnes His pouertie was extreame and so also was his Mortification euen from his youth For he told me that in his time it had hapned to him to liue three yeares in some one House of his owne Order and yet not to know anie one of the Religious of the same House but only by their speech for he neuer lifted-vp his eyes and so whensoeuer he was to goe of necessitie to anie place either in the streets or vpon high-wayes he could by no meanes tell how to doe it but by following the other Religious As for woemen he neuer looked vpon anie of them for the space of manie yeares and told me that it was iust all one with him to see anie bodie or not to see them When I came at length to know him he was very old and his weaknes and leanenes so extreame that he seemed not to be composed made but as euen of the verie rootes of trees With all this sanctitie of his he was very affable though yet he were wont to expresse himselfe in very few words vnlesse it were by occasion of some questions which might be asked him and in that case he was excellent companie for he had a very choice Vnderstanding I could haue a minde to
of the Minde and not suffer it to passe on and out so farre like some Pott which doth first so boile vp and then so boile-ouer as that the broth or water is quite spent and lost because no discretion was vsed in the quantitie of wood or coales which was put vnder it And thus let them procure to appease and slake the flame which is fed by that vehement fire with sweet and gentle teares but not with such as are forced or painefull as they are wont to be which proceed from such a vehement kind of sense as I haue formerly expressed for such are wont to be of very great inconuenience to the Partie My self vsed to haue such as these in my beginnings and they would euer leaué my head in such disorder and my Spirit in such a wearines and weaknes that I was not able sometimes for a day yea and sometimes for more dayes then one to returne to the exercise of Prayer So that we are to vse great discretion in those beginnings of ours to the end that all may goe on with much sweetnes and that the Spirit may be taught the way of operating and exercising it self inwardly and we must diligently procure that the exteriour may be auoided as much as we can But now these other impetuosities and impulses are of a most different kind and condition for heer it is not we who bring-in the wood but the fire seemes to be made already to our hands and instantly we are readie to cast our selues into it that so we may be wholy consumed The Soule doth not heer procure to make her self feele the wound which growes to be made in her by the absence of our Lord but they driue sometimes a sharp Arrow into the verie liueliest part of the hart in such sort as that the Soule her self is not able to tell distinctly either what she ayles or euen what she desires only she knowes very well that she desires and loues our Lord and that the sayd Arrow seemes to be toucht and rubbed-ouer with some bitter hearbe or other to make her euen hate her self through the loue of this Lord and to wish with all her hart that she might loose her verie life for his sake It is not in our power to expresse and much lesse to relate with aduantage the manner how God approaches and ariues to such a Soule as this or the excessiue paine that he giues which makes her not to know euen what to doe with her self But yet this verie paine is such a sauourie kind of thing withall that there is no delight in this whole world which is able to giue her more gust For the Soule as I was saying would alwaies be very glad if she might be euer dying of this Disease This paine and glorie togeather did carrie my Vnderstanding into such such distraction and disorder that I knew not how they both could possibly consist togeather O what a thing it is to see a Soule so wounded for it is iust in such sort as that one may very well affirme it to be wounded and that for a most excellent cause for now she sees very clearly that she her self did contribute no part of the reason why this Loue should grow but only it seemes that some little Sparke fell downe vpon her from that immense Loue of our Lord which set her so totally on fire O how often doe I remember that Verse of Dauid whensoeuer I find my self in this case Quem admodum desider at ceruus ad fontes aquarum ita desiderat anima mea ad te Deus meus As the Hart desires to plunge himself into the Springs of vvater so doth my Soule desire thee O my God For really me thinkes that this is euen litterally fulfilled then vpon my self Whensoeuer this comes not vpon me with great violence me thinkes I can a little appease my Soule and at least she is prouing to find some remedie For as for the performing of certaine Pennances she findes not almost in that case for what they serue for they all are felt by her no more nor puts it her to anie more paine to shed her bloud then it would if she were directly dead But in that case she is in earnest search after the finding-out some new wayes or meanes how she may be able to suffer much for the loue of our Lord but so great is that other former greif of minde that I know not what Corporall torment can possibly be able to drowne it for the remedie thereof consists not in such things as these since these medecines are of too inferiour a kind for the perfect cure of so deeply-rooted a Disease We receaue indeed some little ease and the affliction passes away to some small proportion by this meanes and by begging also the remedie of her miserie at the hands of our Blessed Lord though yet for her part she knowes not how to find anie at all but only in death for by that meanes she hopes entirely to enioy her Soueraigne Good At other times this paine falls vpon a Soule so feircely that neither this nor anie thing els can be done for it peirces the whole bodie through and through and neither can the hands or feet be stirred nay if we chance to be on foot and may happen sometimes to sit downe we doe it like a kind of transported Creatures Nor can the Soule so much as breath but only vtter certaine profound lamenting sighes which yet are not great in shew because she is not able to expresse them though yet they be very great in themselues It pleased our Blessed Lord that I should haue sometimes this following Vision I saw an Angell very neer me towards my left side and he appeared to me in a Corporeall forme though yet I am not wont to see anie thing of that kind but very rarely For though Angells be represented often to me it is yet without my seeing them but only according to that other kind of Vision whereof I spake before But in this Vision our Lord was pleased that I should see this Angell after this other manner He was not great but rather little yet withall he was of very much beautie His face was so inflamed that he appeared to be of those most Superiour Angells who seem to be all in a fire and he well might be of them whome we call Seraphins but as for me they neuer tell me their names or rankes yet howsoeuer I see thereby that there is so great a difference in Heauen between one Angell and another as I am no way able to expresse I saw that he had a long Dart of gold in his hand and at the end of the iron below me thought there was a little fire and I conceaued that he thrust it some seuerall times through my verie Hart after such a manner as that it passed the verie inwards of my Bowells and when he drew it back me thought it carried
be neuer so much alone though yet I feele still that I know there is a God and I find also that it is my Imagination and my Vnderstanding which doe me so much hurt in these occasions and cafes for as for my Will me thinkes it stands right in me and that it is disposed to all goodnes But this Vnderstanding of mine is so entirely lost that it seemes to be no other thing then some furious and madd kind of Foole whome no bodie is able to bind nor am I so farre Mistresse thereof as that I can make it quiet for one Credo Sometimes I fall on laughing and yet then doe I know my miserie and stand looking vpon my Soule and permit her to doe what she will and yet our Lord be thanked she neuer by anie meanes applyes her self to anie thing which is ill but only about things which are indifferent if there be anie thing which may occurr to be done either heer or there or anie where els But thus I come to know better the incomparable mercie which our Lord is pleased to shew me vpon his tying-vp this madd foole when we are in perfect contemplation And heer I consider what would become of me if such persons as hold me now for good could discerne me to haue these idlenesses and impertinencies which I haue described heer But now I haue very great compassion of a Soule to find her in so ill companie as this I would faine see her rather in libertie and I expresse my self in this manner to our Blessed Lord When O my God shall I ariue to see my Soule all conioyned and vnited togeather in celebrating thy praise that so all the Powers thereof may admire thee Permit not heerafrer O Lord that she wander vp and downe by peices for now it seemes no otherwise then as if euerie one of the same Powers were running vp and downe in a seuerall way These things passe thus very often and I vnderstand also very well that sometimes the little corporall health I haue contributes much to these inconueniences I also reflect much by these occasions vpon the hurt which the Sinne of our First Parent hath done vs for me thinkes it is growne from thence that we are incapable to enioy so great a good and mine owne sinnes are a great part of the cause for certainly if I had not committed so manie I should haue remained more entire and free towards the doing of good I was subiect also by times to another very great inconuenience for conceauing that I vnderstood all the Bookes that treat of Prayer which I came to read and that already our Blessed Lord had done me some such kind of fauour as that I needed them not for this reason I did not read them but applyed my self to read the Liues of Saints And finding my self also very short in that wherein they had so heroically serued Almightie God this seemed to doe me good and giue me strength but yet me thought this was a signe of little humilitie for me to thinke that I was already ariued to hold that degree of Prayer And not being able to quiet my self otherwise I continued much in paine till certaine learned men and particularly that blessed Creature Fray pedro de Alcantara declared to me that I was not to be troubled at that I am not ignorant that in the seruing of Almightie God I haue not yet so much as begunne though yet the way which his Diuine Maiestie hath held in doing me Fauours is the same which he hath vsed towards such as are good whereas for my part I am no more then a direct downe-right meer imperfection vnlesse it be in my desires to loue him for in this indeed I see well that our Lord hath done me Fauour that so I may performe some little thing for him I confesse me thinkes I loue him but my actions and the manie imperfections which I discerne therein giue me great discomfort At other times my Soule falls into a kind of Foolerie for so it is when me thinkes I doe neither good nor ill but follow on after the walke of others folkes and this neither with paine nor glorie nor with thought of life or death nor gust nor trouble yea me thinkes she feeles nothing at all but rather seemes to me to walke on like some little Asse who seeds and sustaines himself because they giue him somewhat to eate and he eates almost without thinking what he is doing For the Soule when she is in this state is not likely to be without feeding vpon some great Fauours of Almightie God since she is not troubled with liuing in so miserable a life as this but passes through it with patience and equalitie of minde but yet these motions and effects are not found by her in such sort as that the Soule is made to vnderstand her self by them It seemes now also to me to be as when men saile at Sea by the breath of a sweet and gentle Winde for then we ridd much way though we scarce know how Whereas in those other conditions the effects are so very great that the Soule doth almost instantly discerne her owne improuement for instantly doe her desires boile vp and the Soule can neuer satisfye her self but they to whome Almightie God imparts such impetuosities of Loue doe find such operations as these This is like certaine little Springs which I haue obserued to rise and where the Sand neuer ceases to moue vpwards And this example and comparison of Soules which be ariued to this state seemes very naturall to me For Loue will be euer boyling vpward and considering and deuising about what it may be able to doe and can by no meanes be contained in it self as it seemes the water whereof I spake is not able to continue in the earth which still is casting it vp from thence And iust so is it very vsuall for the Soule not to be at quiet or in contentment with her self through the loue she beares to Almightie God but she is so bathed and soaked and filled with it that she wishes that others would drinke too since for her part she cannot want that so they might assist her to sing the praises of Almightie God O how often doe I call to minde that liuing Water whereof our Lord spake to the Samaritan as indeed I am very much deuoted to that Ghospell And really it is most true that I was so euen from my childhood though I did not then vnderstand this benefit as now I doe but I often besought our Lord to bestow of this Water vpon me and alwaies I had the Image or Figure of it at hand with this Motto or Word of hers when he was so neer the Well Domine da mihi hanc aquam O Lord bestovv this vvater vpon me It seemes also to me that as a Fire which is very great needs matter vpon which to worke to the end that it may not be extinguished So also for
Lord with such an abundance of mercie had not dispatched all that busines alone For till he out of his owne goodnes did so your Reuerence will already haue seen that on my part there was nothing at all but only rising and falling ouer and ouer I would faine expresse this point home for I beleiue that manie Soules grow to be abused and deceiued because they haue a minde to fly before Almightie God giue them wings I conceiue that I haue formerly vsed this Comparison but it comes also very well in heer for I find that manie Soules are much afflicted vpon this occasion As namely when they beginne with great desires and resolutions to goe forward in the way of vertue and some doe euen giue-ouer all for loue thereof forasmuch as concernes exteriour things and yet see more aduantagious effects and fruits of such vertues as our Lord hath infused into the Soules of others who are more proficient then into theirs and that they cannot performe certaine things which are set downe in those Bookes which are written of Prayer and Contemplation which men are aduised to vse so to make themselues ascend vp the better and the higher to this dignitie And in fine when they cannot instantly obtaine these things they discomfort and afflict themselues As for example not to care a straw if anie bodie should speake ill of vs but rather to take more contentment in it then when they praise vs To haue very little esteeme of our honour To be perfectly vntyed from the care of kindred and friends and not to desire to conuerse with them but rather to be wearie of their companie vnlesse they be persons of Prayer And manie other things of this kind which must in my opinion come from the guift of Almightie God because I hold them for Supernaturall blessings and very contrarie to our owne Naturall inclination And therefore let them not be afflicted but put their trust in our Lord that so what now they haue in desire his Diuine Maiestie may be pleased to giue them afterward with effect and fruit by meanes of Prayer and by their doing on their part what they can For it is a most necessarie thing for this weake and poore Nature of ours to place a great confidence in our B. Lord not to put our selues out of hart nor to thinke but that if we will proceed with courage we shall be victorious and because I haue much experience heerof I will speake a word or two by way of aduise to your Reuerence For you must not thinke though it may appeare as if it were true that anie vertue is already gained vnlesse it be first compared and experimented by the Vice which is contrarie to it And we must alwaies remaine doubtfull and suspitious and not cast off our cares as long as we are the owners of our liues For our weaknesses stick close and fast to vs vnlesse as I was saying before the whole benefit be imparted to vs by Diuine grace to the end that we may know what all the things of this life are worth and that there is neuer anie such thing as can be tearmed all but in companie of manie dangers It seemed to me some few yeares agoe that not only I was not inordinatly tyed to the loue of anie of my kindred but rather that I was wearie of them and it is really very true that there were times when I would not so much as endure their conuersation But yet afterward there occurred a certaine busines of much importance which obliged me to remaine with a certaine Sister of mine whome formerly I had loued with very extraordinarie affection And now being come againe to conuerse with her we suited not so very well with one another For though she were better then I yet being of a different condition from mine in regard that she was married the conuersation was not alwaies that which I could haue wished and therefore I liked to be alone as much as conueniently I might But yet after a while I found that her troubles and affaires brought me more resentment and care by much then such others did as belonged to anie Christian neighbour of mine at large and this gaue me some little disgust against my self for so in fine I came to know that I was not so very free and vntyed as I had formerly conceaued and that moreouer I was to haue auoided the occasion to the end that so this vertue which our Lord had begunne to giue me might haue gotten strength and I haue procured through his Fauour to proceed in this manner euer since When our Lord beginnes to impart a vertue to a Soule it is to be held in great account and by no meanes are we to expose it to the danger of being lost So is it in those things which concerne reputation and honour and so also in others And your Reuerence may well beleiue that not all they and we who esteem our selues to be absolutly vntyed from all things are yet so indeed and we haue need enough not to be slack or negligent heerin For whatsoeuer person there be who feeles anie care at all of anie one point of Honour in himself let him beleiue me if he meane to profit in Spirit that there is euer a certaine tye at the end of it and it is by such a kind of chaine as that there is no File in the world but God and Prayer and very much endeauour on our part which will possibly be able to deuide it it seemes to be so fast a knot that I am amazed to see the mischeif which it brings Sometimes I see certaine persons who seem to be euen Saints by their workes for they doe so very manie and so great ones that the world doth euen admire them and exclame after this manner Deare God! and how comes it to passe that such a Soule as that doth still inhabit the Earth Is he not already at the verie top of Perfection What is this And what can detaine such a man from being a direct and downe-right Saint who doth so great things for God But my answer to this question is That this man hath yet perhaps some little consideration care of preseruing some point of Honour for himself yea and the worst of this busines is that he will by no meanes beleiue that in verie deed there is anie such thing And that happens because sometimes the Diuel makes him conceiue that he is euen obliged to haue a great care of it Well yet let them harken to mee I beseech them and euen for the loue of our Blessed Lord I begg of them that they will beleiue this poore little miserable Ant whome our Lord commands to speake That vnlesse they free themselues from this Caterpiller though perhaps it may not destroy the whole Tree because some other vertues doe still peraduenture remaine yet euen all those verie vertues will be worme-eaten nor will it euer be a beautifull
kind of inclination to know in what condition or state that Soule was for I desired that he might be a very great Seruant of Almightie God I rose then from siting where I was that so I might be going towards him but yet hauing been already recollected in Prayer it seemed to me then afterwards that it would be no better then lost time and what forsooth had I to doe with him and so I then disposed my self to sit downe againe and as I now remember I did the verie same thing no lesse then three seuerall times In fine the good Angell was stronger then the ill and I went and required him to be called and so he came I then beganne to aske him diuerse questions as he did me because manie yeares had slipt away since we mett last concerning the seuerall Liues of one another And I beganne to tell him that as for mine it had been subiect to manie afflictions of Minde Vpon this he pressed much to know what those afflictions might be and I told him that it was neither greatly pertinent to be knowne nor very fitt for me to relate But he replyed that since the Father of S. Dominick's Order knew them that Father whome I had affirmed to be so much his freind would presently let him know them and therefore that I needed not trouble my self to relate them But in fine the Case grew to be this that neither was it in his power to forbeare to importune me nor in mine to forbeare to declare my self heerin to him For with all that trouble and shame which I vsed to haue whensoeuer there was discourse of things like this yet when I treated of them with this man and with the Rectour also of the Societie of whome I spake before it put me to no trouble at all but rather it was of comfort to me I therefore vnfolded my selfe to him but yet vnder the Seale of Confession and me thought he was more aduised then euer though I alwayes held him to be a man of very great vnderstanding I considered the manie talents and parts he had wherewith to doe a huge deale of good if he would giue himself entirely to Almightie God And it is true that I haue had this qualitie for diuerse of these latter yeares that I cannot see anie Creature who contents me much but I must instantly desire to haue him wholy giuen to Almightie God and I wish it euen with such an extremitie of appetite that I know not almost in those cases what to doe with my self And though it be very true that I would faine haue all the world doe him Seruice yet I desire with very great impulse and euen impetuositie that the persons who please me best should doe it most and so I often vse to importune our Lord extreamly in their behalf But as for that Religious man of whome I was speaking he besought me that I would recommend him earnestly to Almightie God but that was more then needed for already I was so gone with the man that I could not possibly doe otherwise And so I went to the place where I was accustomed to put myself in Prayer all alone and being then in deep recollection I beganne to deale with our Blessed Lord and it was in a stile so very familiar that it was euen halfe foolish for I treat with him manie times without knowing almost distinctly what I say For then it is not so properly my person as my Loue which speakes and the Soule is so alienated euen from her self that I scarce discerne the difference which then there is between Almightie God and me For the great loue which my Soule knowes that his Diuine Maiestie beares her makes her forget what she is in her self as conceauing that she is then in him And so as if both she and he were one and the self-same thing without diuision or distinction she vtters but impertinencies and roauings I remember that I told him thus much after I had begged of him with abundance of teares that the Soule of that Religious man might apply it self to his Seruice in great earnest That although I held him already for good yet that would not serue my turne for I must haue him very good and accordingly I sayd further thus in plaine tearmes O Lord thou must not denye me this favour but consider that this man vvill be very fitt to make afreind for vs both O great Humanitie and Bountie of Almightie God! nor doth he so much consider our words but the desires and affections wherewith they are spoken But now how can he come to endure that such a miserable Creature as I should speake to his Diuine Maiestie with so much boldnes But let him be Blessed for euer The while I remember well that in those howers of Prayer wherein I exercised my self that night our Lord gaue me a great affliction by my doubting whether I were in his fauour But now I desired not so much to know that as I did euen desire to dye rather then to continue in such a life as wherein I might not be sure whether I were dead or no. For it were not possible for me to endure a sharper death then to thinke that I had offended Almightie God And this paine put me into such straights that being all regaled as I was and euen melted and dissolued in teares I humbly besought his Diuine Maiestie that he would not permit it And so I came then to vnderstand that I might well be comforted and confide that I was in state of Grace for that such loue of Almightie God and the imparting of such Fauours and feelings as his Diuine Maiestie vouchsafed to me were not compatible with anie such Soule as should be in Mortall Sinne. But in the meane time I grew into a kind of assured hope that our Lord would grant the thing to that other person which I humbly begged at his hands He commanded me also to deliuer certaine words to him But at this indeed I was troubled much as not knowing how I should be able to vtter them For the point of carrying a message to a third person in such sort as I was saying is a thing which doth alwaies afflict me especially when I know not how it will be taken or whether the person will not laugh at me for my labour This put me to a great deale of trouble but yet in fine I thinke I was so farre perswaded as to promise Almightie God that I would not forbeare to impart them and through the great confusion and shame wherein I was I wrote them and so deliuered them to him And now this well appeared to be an action of Almightie God by the great effect it wrought For he resolued to giue himself to Prayer after very a serious manner though yet he did it not so very soone But yet our Lord designing to make him wholy his owne was pleased to declare certaine truths to him by my meanes
and I would also be very glad to see him and to thinke of him and to consider the good parts which I found in him and this was so preiudiciall a thing that it did my Soule a great deale of hurt But when once I was come to behold the great Beautie of our Blessed Lord I saw no Creature after that which might seeme passable in comparison of him nor who was able to take-vp my thought for one minute For by casting the eye of my consideration vpon that Image or Picture of him which is engrauen in my Soule I haue remained with so much Libertie of Minde in this respect that euerie thing which I haue seen since that time makes me readie almost to cast the gorge in comparison of the excellencies and ayre and grace which I discerned to abound in this Lord of mine Nor is there anie knowledge or comfort which I can at all esteem in comparison of that which growes by the hearing of one single word which proceeds out of that Diuine mouth of his and much more when I haue heard so manie and so often from him Nay I hold it to be a kind of impossible thing vnlesse our Lord should permit it in respect of my Sinnes that euer I can loose the memorie of this blessing or that anie Creature can euer so possesse me as that I shall not instantly be free by recouering the remembrance of this Lord. It hapned to me sometimes with some Ghostlie Fathers of mine for I alwaies loue them much who gouerne my Soule in regard that I take them truly as in the place of Almightie God himself and me thinkes it is euer there where I employ my affection most that esteeming my self to be in securitie with them I would be apt to shew them extraordinary ciuilityes whereas they on the other side as being great Seruants of Almightie God would be not only carefull but fearefull least I should fasten or tye my self too much to them though it should be in a most innocent manner and they would shew themselues euen to be displeased at it Now this grew in me after I had made my self subiect to be be directed and euen commanded by them for before I did not beare them so much loue But the while I confesse I would be laughing sometimes within my self to consider how extreamly they were deceaued though yet I would not alwaies be telling them so clearly how little I vsed to tye myself to anie Creature as I was sure of it in myself But yet I gaue them certaintie enough of it and when once they were growne to be more inward and more confident with me they came to know how particularly I was obliged to our Blessed Lord in that kind But these suspitions which they had of me were neuer wont to occurr but in the beginnings Besides there grew to be both more loue and more confidence between this Lord of mine and me after I had seen him as one with whome I was come to haue a kind of continuall conuersation I saw that though he were God he was also Man and that he did not wonder at our weaknes for he well knowes our miserable condition and composition which is subiect to take Falls of so manie kindes by that first Sinne of Adam which he was come to repaire Nay I see that although he be my Lord I may yet treat with him as with a Freind because he is not such a kind of Lord as we are wont to meet with in this world who pinne all the Lordlynesses which they haue vpon a certaine kind of changeable and remoueable demonstrations and who must giue but particular and set dayes for Audience and so the persons whome they will heare must be appointed and named And if perhaps anie poore Creature haue a busines there must be vse of labour and fauour and a walking in By-Wayes before it can be euer negotiated or concluded And if perhaps they haue anie thing to doe with the King himself alas poore folkes for they who touch not vpon the Caualier or great man must not so much as presume to approach but be content to aske who the Fauorites are And now they will certainly not fall out to be such as vse to tread the world vnder their feet because such persons as these are wont to speake reall truths for they neither feare anie thing nor owe anie thing nor in fine are anie part of the Pallace For there these things are not vsed but to dissemble whatsoeuer they dislike nay they scarce dare so much as thinke for feare least they should grow by it into lesse fauour O King of Glorie and Lord of all the Kings of this world how true is it that thy Kingdome is not guarded by Sticks and strawes since in it self it hath no end How true is it that there is no need of third persons to introduce vs to Audience with thee For by our verie seing thy selfe we instantly see withall that thou only dost indeed deserue to be called Lord So great is the Maiestie which thou shewest Nor is there heer anie need at all of Assembles and Guards in Court whereby thou maist be knowne to be King Whereas if anie Earthlie King were left alone he would hardly be knowne to be King and how much soeuer himself might desire it yet the people would haue difficultie to beleiue it For in himself he is no more then others are and therefore we must either see him so adorned and attended first or els we shall hardly belieiue afterward that he is the King And he hath therefore so much more reason to serue himself of these externall aduantages and helps for els they would not hold him in account because his seeming to be so powerfull depends not vpon the inward and innate dignitie of his Person but his State is deriued to him from others But O thou my Lord and my King that I were able now to represent that Maiestie which thou hast For it is impossible to forbeare to see that thou art the great Emperour of the whole world in thy self and that thy Maistie doth euen astonish the beholders But yet it puts me to more amazement O my Lord to see in companie thereof the great humilitie and loue which thou bearest to such a wretched Creature as my self For we may euer speake and treat with thee about all things euen as we will our selues when once we shall haue lost that first amazement and feare to see the Maiestie of thy Presence though yet then we shall haue more feare to offend thee then to see thee yea and yet euen that not so much for being O Lord afrayd of thy punishment for we doe not esteem that at all as in respect of the miserie which it is to loose thy verie self Behold heer the benefits of this Vision besides manie other great ones which it leaues in the Soule And if it be of Almightie God it makes it self be vnderstood by
the effects whensoeuer the Soule hath Light for manie times as I haue sayd our Lord is pleased that it should remaine in darknes and not see this Light and therefore it is not so strange a busines which so wicked a Creature as my self may come to see On the other side it is but euen now that it hath hapned to me to be eight dayes in such a case as that I seemed neither to haue knowledge of what I owe to Almightie God not yet anie memorie of his Fauours but only that my Soule was euen halfe besotted and estranged and employed vpon I know not what nor how Not yet vpon anie ill thoughts but I was so very vntoward in respect of good ones that I did euen as it were laugh at my self and tooke a kind of gust to see the great basenes of a Soule whensoeuer our Lord vouchsafes not to be working in it But she yet vnderstands very well that she is not without possessing him euen in this State for it is not as I haue formerly sayd as it vses to be in our great afflictions but though we bring wood thither and doe also all that verie little which we are able to doe on our part there is yet no such thing in the world as the kindling at that time of anie fire of the loue of our Lord in our harts And it is no small mercie of his that we can so much as find that there is anie smoake for at least we know thereby that she is not dead and our Lord returnes to kindle it againe afterward But then this Soule of ours though we breake our verie heads in blowing and wearie our selues also otherwise in ordering and composing the wood seemes to be in such a condition as that euerie thing serues to choake vs the more And so I thinke the best of our case to be then to render our selues wholy vp and to know that we are able to doe nothing of our selues and then to apply our endeauours to the doing of some externall meritorious things Yea and perhaps our Blessed Lord is pleased to take Prayer from vs at that time to the end that the Soule may exercise her self in those other actions and so vnderstand at length by good experience how little she was able to doe of her self But now I haue this verie day regaled my Soule with our Lord and presumed to complaine to his Diuine Maiestie euen against himself to this effect How comes it to passe O my God that it seemes not enough for thee to keep me in this miserable life and that I resolue to endure it all for thy sake and that I content my self to be where all is vexation and trouble and that I may not so much as enioy euen thee but that I must also eat and sleepe and dispatch businesse and treat with euerie Creature according to the occasion and that I suffer all this for the loue of thee And now O my Lord thou knowest that this is an extreame torment to my hart and that yet in those few little moments of time which remaine to me for the enioying thee thou yet art pleased to hide thy self after this manner from me And how can this be compatible with thy mercie and how can the loue thou bearest me permit it I beleiue O my deare Lord that if it were a possible thing for me to hide my self from thee as thou dost thy self from me I thinke I say and I beleiue so much of the loue thou bearest me as that thou wouldst not endure it at my hands But thou art still with me and euer seest in what case I am Yet permit not longer O my Lord that this kind of course be held but I humbly beseech thee to consider that it is a kind of wrong to proceed after this manner with one who loues thee so much This and the like hath occurred to me to say though yet I considered first how that place which had been prouided for me in Hell was appointed me after a kind of fauourable way in comparison of what I had deserued But yet sometimes the loue I beare to our Blessed Lord is so very extrauagant that I scarce can tell what I doe and then with all the little vnderstanding I haue I make such cōplaints as these and our Lord endures them all at my hands and therefore let so good a King as this be euer praised But now might we perhaps be able to approach anie King of this world with such audacities as these And yet I wonder not much that we may not presume to talke after this manner to our Earthly Kings whome we haue so much reason to feare yea or euen to such great Lords as are the superiour parts of the State For now we find the world so changed that our verie liues should be longer then now they are to the end that we might haue time enough to learne the Punto's and new customes and fashions of good Manners of the world if there be anie meaning withall that we should also haue anie time to spend in the Seruice of Almightie God For my part I euen blesse my self to see what happens for the truth is that euen already I scarce knew how to liue in the world when I came to this place For now it passes I can assure you for no ieast whensoeuer there is any little omission to treat men euen with much more Stile and ceremonie then they deserue but they doe really so take it for an affront that you must forsooth interpret your intention and professe your desire to make satisfaction if there be as I was saying anie omission yea and I pray God that they will vouchsafe to beleiue you But in the meane time I returne to affirme that really I did not know how to liue so miserably doe these things afflict a poore ouerlaboured Soule For she sees that on the one side they command her to employ her whole thought vpon God and that it is necessarie for her to doe so to the end that she may be deliuered from manie dangers and on the other side she also finds that it concernes her not to loose a Punto euen in the Puntilio's of this world vpon the price of not chanceing to minister occasion of giuing temptation and trouble to them who place their Honour in these Punto's For as for me they tired me euen outright and I could neuer be at an end of making satisfactions for it was neuer in my power how much soeuer I endeauoured it to forbeare the making manie faults in this kind which as I sayd are not held to be little in the account of the world And it is true that in Religious Orders which in all reason should be excused and discharged in such kinds as these there is really a very true discharge Not yet that they affirme that our Monasteries ought to be a kind of Court for good breeding and to know what belongs to good Manners
times to vnderstand things but iust so as we haue a minde to vnderstand them our selues and euen they are wrested much from the true sense And so we also doe in things of this world and we will needs make our selues beleiue that we must tax euen our owne profit in Spirit according to the measure of the time wherein we haue had anie exercise of Prayer Nay it seemes that we haue had a minde to put a tax and limit vpon him who by no meanes will be subiect to anie when there is question of imparting his Fauours which he is wont to dispose when he will and who can impart more benedictions to one in six moneths then to another in a great multitude of yeares And this is a most certaine truth which I haue seen so expresly verifyed euen with my verie eyes vpon the instance of manie persons that I wonder how we can so much as detaine our selues in the least doubt thereof But I am very apt to beleiue that a man who hath anie talent in trying and knowing Spirits and to whome our Blessed Lord shall haue giuen true Humilitie will not be able to fall and continue in this errour For such a man will iudge of things by the effects and by the strong purposes and firme resolutions and loue of the party who is chiefly concerned And besides our Lord is wont to giue such a person light whereby he may be able to vnderstand it and by that verie light he also discernes the profiting and proceeding forward of Soules and not by the number of yeares wherein they haue attended to these things Because some one Soule may as I sayd before haue obtained that in six moneths which another shall not haue been able to get in twentie yeares For as I sayd also before our Lord bestowes those things to whome he will and commonly he doth it to such as dispose themselues best to receiue them And in proofe heerof I see that there come now to this House of ours certaine Gentlewoemen and Ladies who are very young and yet when our Blessed Lord vouchsafes once to touch their harts and to giue them a little Light and Loue and when in a very short time he is pleased to allow and impart some Regalo and gust of Spirit to them they haue not stayed and pawsed nor was anie difficultie able to offer it self against them which could stopp them but they would be going on without so much as remembring that they were to liue by eating their meate and they shut themselues vp for euer in a House without hauing so much as anie Reuenue vpon which to liue like persons who put no manner of esteem vpon anie thing of this world for the loue of him who they know loues them And they giue ouer euen all things all at once nor haue they anie will at all which is meerly their owne nor doe they vnderstand it to be possible that euer they can receaue disgust by enduring such a straight shutting vp but all of them offer-vp their whole selues in Sacrifice to the honour and glorie of Almightie God And now how willingly and iustly doe I allow them to haue gotten the Start of me heerin and how mightily ought I to be ashamed and euen confounded in the presence of Almightie God to see that what his Diuine Maiestie could not finish in my Soule through my fault in such a multitude of yeares since I vsed Prayer and wherein he beganne to doe me Fauours he hath yet been able to accomplish in them within three moneths yea and euen with some of them in three dayes with doing them also farre lesse Fauour then to me Though yet withall it be very true that our Blessed Lord payes them so well for their paines that they are all very farre from being sorrie to haue done whatsoeuer they haue done for the loue of him For this purpose I could wish that we might call to minde how manie yeares they are since we made our Profession and haue vsed Mentall Prayer Not yet for the giuing them anie trouble by making them turne back who haue made a great deale of way in a short time and to get them to goe but our pace which is as much as it would be to make them who flye like Eagles through the Fauours which it hath pleased Almightie God to doe them to walke the slow dull pace of a shackled Hen but to the end that we may grow to carrie the honour of his Diuine Maiestie in our eye And then if we find these Sisters of ours to be humble whome we see to be so forward in the way of Spirit that we should giue them still the raynes For certainly our Blessed Lord who hath done them so great Fauours already will neuer suffer them to breake their necks by falling downe as from some dangerous rock They commit and trust themselues in the hands of Almightie God for this benefit doe they reape by the truth which Faith teaches them and shall not we also trust them there but must we limit and confine them by our narrow measure according to the meannesse straightnes of our owne poore mindes No no this must not be but rather if our selues cannot ariue to be owners of those strong affections and firme resolutions which abound in them for these things cannot be well vnderstood without experience let vs procure to humble our selues and not condemne them For els by seeming to haue a care of their aduantage and profit we shall depriue our selues of our owne and we shall also loose the occasion which our Lord shewes vs so faire for our owne greater humilitie and that we may the better vnderstand how much is wanting to vs as also how much more absolutly those other Soules are likelie to be vntyed and freed from worldlie things then ours and how much neerer they are approached to Almightie God then we since we see that his Diuine Maiestie is come so much closer vp towards them then vs. For my part I can vnderstand no more in this case neither indeed haue I anie desire to vnderstand more then that I had rather haue such Prayer as hauing been obtained and exercised but a short time might be found to haue great effects and which instantly appeare for it is impossible that a Creature should be content to throw away a whole world at once vpon the onlie reason of pleasing Almightie God without a mightie force of loue then such an other kind of Prayer as should haue continued manie yeares and yet neuer in fine haue made an end of resoluing vpon anie more at the last then at the first to doe aniething for the pure loue of Almightie God vnlesse it be some poore little fidling bable which is no bigger then a graine of Salt which hath neither bulke nor weight but is such as that anie Bird might be able to carrie it away in her Bill For I confesse we hold it not for a matter
neer them vvith hallovved Candles * An excellent Aduise Take heed of this great danger * Consider this point much and often * Note this good Conclusion vpon the Praemises * Note this very vvell for nothing imports more thē this * A great and gross errour * A point of very great importance * Note * This vvas the beginning of many great blessings * Her entrance into the receaueing Supernaturall Fauours * It vvorkes not indeed by vvay of vsing Discourse or makeing Inferences but yet it vvorks by vvay of Contēplation and Admiration of the Infinite Obiect being God vvho is set before it * Note * A great foolish errour * Behold heer the true great impediment * This Saint is admirable in all the Comparisons vvhich the vses * This is a kind of Engine vvith certaine little leather Buckets fastned to the sides of a very great vvheele vvhich dra vves vp very much vvater vvith great ease In Spanish it is called a Noria * A good Lesson * A consideration of much comfort * A hard question most clearly and excellently ansvvered * Marke vvell these masculine and massye vvords * Note * This suspending of the Thought or Vnderstanding of vvhich the Saint speakes is a presenting a multitude of Supernaturall and Diuine Obiects before it together vvith a copious infusion of Light vvich is decerned by it after a kind of intuitiue vvay at once vvithout discourse or trouble And this Light rests not there but passes-on to the VVill and grovves to be as so much Fyre for the inflameing it in the Loue of our Lord. And the Soule doth more properly suffer heer then act And novv the Saint giues great vvarning that people be not so foolish as to offer at these things of themselues A great truth * A dangerous provvd foolish errour * Obserue the generous vvay of this great Saint * Note this very vvell * A great praise of a large hart * Hovv Saynts are to be imitated hovv admired * Note this vvell * A necessary Aduise * Our daily Bread * A description of a good Directour in matter of Spirit * Note * Hovv the VVill is to carry it selfe to the other Faculties of the Minde * The blessings of Quiet Prayer * Note * Note * Hovv the Soule is to carry it selfe in Quiet Prayer * Note * A true happy Comparison * The good Spirit very easily discerned from the bad * Note this point aboue all * A most necessary Document * A great blessing by meanes of this Prayer * These are the more generous mindes * As vvhen one is dyinge * This is an admirable State of Minde * The true State of the Povvers of the Minde in this Prayer Hovv there is an Vnion in this Prayer hovv there is none * The great effects of this high Prayer * The difference betvveē Eleuatiō and Vnion * She proceeds in declaring the great effects of this high Prayer * A Cōsideration of strange comfort * This is strange indeed * The strong Pillar of Prayer * Consider this very vvell * Take heed * A most dangerous temptation * Consider and admire this passage * The manner nature of Rapts * The Effects of Rapts * The strangest state of Minde vvhich perhaps is described in the vvhole Booke * The effect of Rapts * This Saynt it admirable in her Comparisons * Other great effects of true Rapts * Her great zeale for the conuersion of Kings * She alludes to Comets and blazing Starrs * A rare expression * Anopinion vvhich is more probable then true * This seems to haue been a foolish and ill-fauoured kind of errour in those others * That vvas by seuerall Visions * A svveet and iust cōplaint and vvorthie of the Saint vvho made it * By Vision * Beleiue and consider this most certaine Truth * A doubt vvhich cannot easily be solued * She grovves novv to make serious enquiry after a good Directour * The only excellent course * This holy mā enters often into the Story of our Saynt * This vvas no improbable opinion though it vvere no true one * So good a begining vvas almost a kind of perfecting the vvorke * The Saynt begann heer to be happy * This vvas a vvise man likely to vvorke vvonders vpon a Soule * He lost nothing by leaueing to be a Duke for Gods sake * This must needs haue been a holy and a vvise man * A little of this goes farr * So true it is that God is God * The mighty force and povver of any one Supernaturall vvord * The infinit differēce betvveē Supernaturall vvords of God all other * A strange encounter * Great povver of our Lord. * Hovv quickly she gott courage against the Diuells * A most certaine truth * This vvas a very ill aduise indeed * The incredible deare svveetnes of our B. Lord to a Soule * Obserue this vvell * This Saint yovv see vvas certainly no Protestant * The Masque of Pride * An admirable example of Pennance * Humane frailty and celestiall glory are not compatible * Imaginary Visions represented to by the senses are of the lovvest ranke most subiect to danger * The great effects of an admirable and most sublime Vision * The differēce is easily found both betvveen a true Vision and a false and betvveen a true Vision and a Fancy * A plaine demonstration * In order to the guideing of others a Directour may easily haue too meane an optnion of himselfe * This Saint vvas hugely vexed by the insatisfaction vvhich she receiued from many Spirituall men * This is very fitt to be knovvne * This is a true Fortiter sed Suauiter * This Saint vvas most strangely familiarly and supernaturally visited by our B Lord. * A strange Taske vvhich vvas put even by holy men upon this Saint * The more she vvas discountenanced euen by good men so much the more highly vvas she fauoured by our Lord. * A rare Comparison * Still more more excellent comparisons * An excellent most necessary Aduise * A strange mixture of affections but such as God knovves hovv to giue * This greife is after the rate of the loue * A very safe and vvise vvay of proceeding * This is a most certaine truth * Heer follovves a vvhole vvorld of sad temptations troubles * The differēce betvveē Diuine and Diabolicall greife of minde * The vvay manner of a great desolation * A pretty humour * A happy State * She makes along Discourse of the Diabolicall Temptations troubles to vvhich she vvas subiect * The excellency of Holy VVater * A great and iust consolation * A question vvorthy of him that askt it * This is a very great Truth but the Accent must be put vpon the vvord Indeed * And though she should haue continued to aske it I dare say our Lord vvould not haue graunted it * A must certaine truth * A vvise solid Truth * Exercise of Prayer and loue of Honour agree not vvell together * This is not to be litterally vnderstood for the Diuell can prepare no place for a Soule in Hell but by the Decree of Almighty God vpon the particular Iudgement giuen at the death of the Party * The Sinnes of Ingratitude discorrespondence and inordinate affection to Creatures vvhich she did committ and the greater and mortall Sinnes vvhich she vvould most certainly haue committed if the Mercy of our Blessed Lord had not preuented and vvithheld her * Hell is represented to her in Spirit after a most subtile manner and it vvas shevved to her and described by her in such sort as that such Creatures may be capable thereof as are indued not only vvith Mindes but vvith Bodyes * The excellent fruits vvhich this Saint did gather from this great Fauour vvhich seems to be the sole cause vvhy our B. Lord vvas pleased to impare this Fauour * The great benefit of this Fauour * Vide supra fol 471. * A svveet Effect of a sad Cause * A sad and strange proceeding * Hovv one suspition u vvont to thrid it self close vpon another * A holy vvise man * All these things and the like as namely Darts or Chaines or Crovvnes or Ievvells c. are not to be vnderstoood after a grosse materiall vvay but yet that really they haue truth in their being represented distinctly clearly to the Imagination of the Partyes and they cheifly serue as testimonies Signes of those interiour graces vertues vvhich vse to be imprinted vpon Soules at those very times by the mercy of our B. Lord. * She meanes her selfe * This Saint vvas an excellent person to make a freind of * A very strange demonstration of a most ciuill noble and freindly hart * Our Blessed Lord is still as good as his vvord * The great Charity Humility of the Saynt * Hovv deuout this deare Saynt is * They vvere very noble though they vvere poore * The Diuell is still himselfe * This is such a kind of vvorld as vvherein things vvill euer goe thus * A true ansvver to all the Diuells Obiections * Note the description vvhich the Saynt makes heer of her Religious * This Fast of the Order is not so strict and rigorous as that of the Church but is rather a forbearance of halfe the Meale then a Fast * This Point of haueing so very fevv in a Monastery vvas partly meant for them vvho vvere to liue in any place on Almes and partly because the Saint had seen some disorders by haueing too many Religious in other Hovvses and yet the Saint her selfe came aftervvard to admit of tvventy in stead of tvvelue and vvould perhaps haue admitted more if she had found reason for it * She inueighs vvith much reason against vaine Complements and especially amongst Religious people * An excellent most vsefull Document * A true noble most generous hart * Great effects of a Vision