with I mean your Jewels and Money which it seems she has Sir Man What 's that to you Sir Free Pardon me whatsoever is yours I have a share in 't I 'm sure which I will not lose for asking tho' you may be too generous or too angry now to do 't your self Fid. Nay then I 'll make bold to make my claim too Both going towards Olivia Man Hold you impertinent officious Fops How have I been deceiv'd Aside Free Madam there are certain Appurtenances to a Lover's heart call'd Jewels which alwayes go along with it Fid. And which with Lovers have no value in themselves but from the heart they come with our Captain's Madam it seems you scorn to keep and much more will those worthless things without it I am confident Oliv. A Gentleman so well made as you are may be confident us easie Women cou'd not deny you any thing you ask if 't were for your self but since 't is for another I beg your leave to give him my Answer An agreeable young Fellow this And wou'd not be my Aversion Aside Captain your young Friend here has a very persuading Face I confess yet you might have ask'd me your self for those Trifles you left with me which heark you a little for I dare trust you with the secret you are a Man of so much Honour I 'm sure I say then not expecting your return or hoping ever to see you again I have deliver'd your Jewels to Aside to Man Man Whom Oliv. My Husband Man Your Husband Oliv. Ay my Husband for since you cou'd leave me I am lately and privately marry'd to one who is a Man of so much Honour and Experience in the World that I dare not ask him for your Jewels again to restore 'em to you lest he shou'd conclude you never wou'd have parted with 'em to me on any other score but the exchange of my Honour which rather than you 'd let me lose you 'd lose I 'm sure you self those Trifles of yours Man Triumphant Impudence but marry'd too Oliv. O speak not so loud my Servants know it not I am marry'd there 's no resisting one's Destiny or Love you know Man Why did you love him too Oliv. Most passionately nay love him now tho' I have marry'd him and he me which mutual love I hope you are too good too generous a Man to disturb by any future claim or visits to me 'T is true he is now absent in the Countrey but returns shortly therefore I beg of you for your own ease and quiet and my Honour you will never see me more Man I wish I never had seen you Oliv. But if you shou'd ever have any thing to say to me hereafter let that young Gentleman there be your Messenger Man You wou'd be kinder to him I find he shou'd be welcome Oliv. Alas his Youth wou'd keep my Husband from suspicions and his visits from scandal for we Women may have pity for such as he but no love And I already think you do not well to spirit him away to Sea and the Sea is already but too rich with the spoils of the shore Man True perfect Woman If I cou'd say any thing more injurious to her now I wou'd for I cou'd out-rail a bilk'd Whore or a kick'd Coward but now I think on 't that were rather to discover my love than hatred and I must not talk for something I must do Aside Oliv. I think I have given him enough of me now never to be troubled with him again Aside Enter Lettice Well Lettice are the Cards and all ready within I come then Captain I beg your pardon You will not make one at Hombre Man No Madam but I 'll wish you a little good luck before you go Oliv. No if you wou'd have me thrive Curse me for that you 'll do heartily I suppose Man Then if you will have it so May all the Curses light upon you Women ought to fear and you deserve first may the Curse of loving Play attend your sordid Covetousness and Fortune cheat you by trusting to her as you have cheated me the Curse of Pride or a good Reputation fall on your Lust the Curse of Affectation on your Beauty the Curse of your Husbands company on your Pleasures and the Curse of your Gallant 's disappointments in his absence and the Curse of scorn jealousie or despair on your love and then the Curse of loving on Oliv. And to requite all your Curses I will only return you your last May the Curse of loving me still fall upon your proud hard heart that cou'd be so cruel to me in these horrid Curses but Heaven forgive you Ex. Oliv. Man Hell and the Devil reward thee Free Well you see now Mistresses like Friends are lost by letting 'em handle your Money and most Women are such kind of Witches who can have no power over a Man unless you give 'em Money but when once they have got any from you they never leave you till they have all therefore I never dare give a Woman a farthing Man Well there is yet this comfort by losing one's Money with one's Mistress a Man is out of danger of getting another of being made prize again by love who like a Pyrat takes â—ou by spreading false Colours but when once you have run your Ship aground the treacherous Picaroon looss so by your ruine you save your self from slavery at least Enter Boy Boy Mrs. Lettice here 's Madam Blackacre come to wait upon her Honour Man D' ye hear that let us be gone before she comes for hence forward I 'll avoid the whole damn'd Sex for ever and Woman as a sinking Ship Ex. Man and Fid. Free And I 'll stay to revenge on her your quarrel to the Sex for out of love to her Jointure and hatred to business I wou'd marry her to make an end of her thousand Suits and my thousand engagements to the comfort of two unfortunate sorts of people my Plaintiffs and her Defendants my Creditors and her Adversaries Enter Widow Blackacre led in by Major Oldfox and Jerry Blackacre following laden with green Bags Wid. 'T is an arrant Sea-Ruffian but I am glad I met with him at last to serve him again Major for the last service was not good in Law Boy Duck Ierry where is my Paper of Memorandums give me Child so Where is my Cousin Olivia now my kind Relation Free Here is one that wou'd be your kind Relation Madam Wid. What mean you Sir Free Why faith to be short to marry you Widow Wid. Is not this the wild rude person we saw at Captain Manly's Ierr. Ay forsooth an 't please Wid. What wou'd you what are you Marry me Free Ay faith for I am a younger Brother and you are a Widow Wid. You are an impertinent person and go about your business Free I have none but to marry thee Widow Wid. But I have other business I 'd have you to know
THE PLAIN-DEALER A COMEDY As it is Acted at the Theatre Royal. Written by M r WYCHERLEY HORAT Ridiculum acre Fortius melius magnas plerumque secat res Licensed Ian. 9. 1676. ROGER L'ESTRANGE LONDON Printed by T. N. for Iames Magnes and Rich Bentleyin Russel street in Covent-garden near the Piazza's M.DC.LXXVII PROLOGUE Spoken by the Plain-Dealer I The PLAIN-DEALER am to Act to Day And my rough Part begins before the Play First you who Scrible yet hate all that Write And keep each other Company in Spite As Rivals in your common Mistriss Fame And with faint Praises one another Damn 'T is a good Play we know you can't forgive But grudge your selves the pleasure you receive Our Scribler therefore bluntly bid me say He wou'd not have the Wits pleas'd here to Day Next you the fine loud Gentlemen o' th' Pit Who Damn all Playes yet if y 'ave any Wit 'T is but what here you spunge and daily get Poets like Friends to whom you are in Debt You hate and so Rooks laugh to see undone Those Pushing Gamesters whom they live upon Well you are Sparks and still will be i' th' fashion Rail then at Playes to hide your Obligation Now you shrewd Iudges who the Boxes sway Leading the Ladies hearts and sense astray And for their sakes see all and hear no Play Correct your Cravats Foretops Lock behind The Dress and Breeding of the Play ne'r mind Plain-dealing is you 'll say quite out of fashion You 'll hale it here as in a Dedication And your fair Neighbors in a Limning Poet No more than in a Painter will allow it Pictures too like the Ladies will not please They must be drawn too here like Goddesses You as at Lely's too wou'd Truncheon wield And look like Heroes in a painted Field But the course Dauber of the coming Scenes To follow Life and Nature only means Displays you as you are makes his fine Woman A mercenary Iilt and true to no Man His Men of Wit and Pleasure of the Age Are as dull Rogues as ever cumber'd Stage He draws a Friend only to Custom just And makes him naturally break his trust I only Act a Part like none of you And yet you 'll say it is a Fool 's Part too An honest Man who like you never winks At faults but unlike you speaks what he thinks The onely Fool who ne'r found Patron yet For Truth is now a fault as well as Wit And where else but on Stages do we see Truth pleasing or rewarded Honesty Which our bold Poet does this day in me If not to th' Honest be to th' Prosp'rous kind Some Friends at Court let the PLAIN-DEALER find EPILOGUE Spoken by the Widow Blackacre TO you the Iudges learned in Stage Laws Our Poet now by me submits his Cause For with young Iudges such as most of you The Men by Women best their bus'ness do And truth on 't is if you did not sit here To keep for us a Term throughout the Year We cou'd not live by 'r Tongues nay but for you Our Chamber-practice wou'd be little too And 't is not only the Stage Practiser Who by your meeting gets her living here For as in Hall of Westminster Sleek Sempstress vents amidst the Courts her Ware So while we Baul and you in Iudgment sit The Visor-Mask sells Linnen too i' th' Pit O many of your Friends besides us here Do live by putting off their sev'ral Ware Here 's daily done the great affair o' th' Nation Let Love and Vs then ne'r have Long-vacation But hold like other Pleaders I have done Not my poor Client's bus'ness but my own Spare me a word then now for him First know Squires of the Long Robe he does humbly show He has a just Right in abusing you Because he is a Brother-Templer too For at the Bar you Railly one another And Fool and Knave is swallow'd from a Brother If not the Poet here the Templer spare And maul him when you catch him at the Bar. From you our common modish Censurers Your Favor not your Iudgment 't is he fears Of all Loves begs you then to Rail find fault For Playes like Women by the World are thought When you speak kindly of 'em very naught THE PERSONS Manly Mr. Hart. Of an honest surly nice humor suppos'd first in the time of the Dutch War to have procur'd the Command of a Ship out of Honour not Interest and choosing a Sea-life only to avoid the World Freeman Mr. Kynaston Manly's Lieutenant a Gentleman well Educated but of a broken Fortune a Complyer with the Age. Vernish Mr. Griffin Manly's Bosome and onely Friend Novell Mr. Clark Apert railing Coxcomb and an Admirer of Novelties makes love to Olivia Major Oldfox Mr. Cartwright An old impertinent Fop given to Scribling makes Love to the Widow Blackacre My Lord Plausible Mr. Haines A Ceremonious Supple Commending Coxcomb in Love with Olivia Ierry-Blackacre Mr. Charlton A true raw Squire under Age and his Mothers Government bred to the Law Olivia Mrs. Marshall Manly's Mistriss Fidelia Mrs. Boutell In Love with Manly and follow'd him to Sea in Man's Cloaths Eliza Mrs. Knep Cousin to Olivia Letice Mrs. Knight Olivia's Woman The Widow Blackacre Mrs. Cory A petulant litigious Widow alwayes in Law and Mother to Squire Ierry Lawyers Knights of the Post Bayliffs an Alderman a Booksellers Prentice a Footboy Sailors Waiters and Attendants THE SCENE LONDON To my LADY B Madam THO I never had the Honour to receive a Favour from you nay or be known to you I take the confidence of an Author to write to you a Billiet doux Dedicatory which is no new thing for by most Dedications it appears that Authors though they praise their Patrons from top to toe and seem to turn 'em inside out know 'em as little as sometimes their Patrons their Books tho they read 'em out and if the Poetical Daubers did not write the name of the Man or Woman on top of the Picture 't were impossible to guess whose it were But you Madam without the help of a Poet have made your self known and famous in the World and because you do not want it are therefore most worthy of an Epistle Dedicatory And this Play claims naturally your Protection since it has lost its Reputation with the Ladies of stricter lives in the Play-house and you know when mens endeavours are discountenanc'd and refus'd by the nice coy Women of Honour they come to you To you the Great and Noble Patroness of rejected and bashful men of which number I profess my self to be one though a Poet a Dedicating Poet To you I say Madam who have as discerning a judgment in what 's obscene or not as any quick-sighted civil Person of 'em all and can make as much of a double meaning saying as the best of 'em yet wou'd not as some do make nonsense of a Poet's jest rather than not make it baudy by which they show they
you of Writing for an Author can as easily make any one a Iudge or Critick in an Epistle as an Hero in his Play But Madam that this may prove to the end a true Epistle Dedicatory I 'd have you know 't is not without a design upon you which is in the behalf of the Fraternity of Parnassus that Songs and Sonnets may go at your Houses and in your Liberties for Guinneys and half Guinneys and that Wit at least with you as of old may be the price of Beauty and so you will prove a true encourager of Poetry for Love is a better help to it than Wine and Poets like Painters draw better after the Life than by Fancy Nay in justice Madam I think a Poet ought to be as free of your Houses as of the Play-houses since he contributes to the support of both and is as necessary to such as you as a Ballad-singer to the Pick-purse in convening the Cullies at the Theatres to be pick'd up and carry'd to Supper and Bed at your houses And Madam the reason of this motion of mine is because poor Poets can get no favour in the Tiring Rooms for they are no Keepers you know and Folly and Money the old Enemies of Wit are even too hard for it on its own Dunghill And for other Ladies a Poet can least go to the price of them besides his Wit which ought to recommend him to 'em is as much an obstruction to his Love as to his wealth or preferment for most Women now adays apprehend Wit in a Lover as much as in a Husband they hate a Man that knows 'em they must have a blind easie Fool whom they can lead by the Nose and as the Scythian Women of old must baffle a Man and put out his Eyes ere they will lye with him and then too like Thieves when they have plunder'd and stript a Man leave him But if there shou'd be one of an hundred of those Ladies generous enough to give her self to a Man that has more Wit than Money all things consider'd he wou'd think it cheaper coming to you for a Mistress though you made him pay his Guinney as a Man in a Iourney out of good husbandry had better pay for what he has in an Inn than lye on free-cost at a Gentlemans House In fine Madam like a faithful Dedicator I hope I have done my self right in the first place then you and your Profession which in the wisest and most religious Government of the World is honour'd with the publick allowance and in those that are thought the most unciviliz'd and barbarous is protected and supported by the Ministers of Iustice and of you Madam I ought to say no more here for your Vertues deserve a Poem rather than an Epistle or a Volume intire to give the World your Memoirs or Life at large and which upon the word of an Author that has a mind to make an end of his Dedication I promise to do when I write the Annals of our British Love which shall be Dedicated to the Ladies concern'd if they will not think them something too obscene too when your Life compar'd with many that are thought innocent I doubt not may vindicate you and me to the World for the confidence I have taken in this Address to you which then may be thought neither impertinent nor immodest and whatsoever your Amorous misfortunes have been none can charge you with that heinous and worst of Womens Crimes Hypocrisie nay in spight of misfortunes or age you are the same Woman still though most of your Sex grow Magdalens at fifty and as a solid French Author has it Apres le plaisir vien't la peine Apres la peine la vertu But sure an old sinner's continency is much like a Gamester's forswearing Play when he has lost all his Money and Modesty is a kind of a youthful dress which as it makes a young Woman more amiable makes an old one more nauseous a bashful old Woman is like an hopeful old man and the affected Chastity of antiquated Beauties is rather a reproach than an honour to 'em for it shews the mens Vertue only not theirs But you in fine Madam are no more an Hypocrite than I am when I praise you therefore I doubt not will be thought even by your's and the Play 's Enemies the nicest Ladies to be the fittest Patroness for Madam Your Ladyship 's most obedient faithful humble Servant and The Plain-Dealer Some Books Printed for James Magnes and Richard Bentley PLato's Apologie of Socrates or Phedo two Dialogues concerning the immortality of Man's Soul A Natural History of the Passions Country Wit Sophonisba Nero. Augustus Caesar. Abdellazar Sir Timothy Taudery Madam Fickle All Mistaken English Monsieur Tartuff Andromache Calista Forced Marriage The Fool turned Critick In the Press The second Part of the Happy Slave In the Press Moral Essays the second Part. In the Press English Novels New Zelinda Count Brion Happy Slave French Novels Princess Monferat L'Heureux Esclave L'Heureux Esclave second Part. L'Heureux Esclave troisieme Part. In the Press A French Play Acted at Whitehall Entituled Rare-en-tout THE Plain-Dealer ACT. I. Scene 1. Captain Manly's Lodging Enter Captain Manly surlily and my Lord Plausible following him and two Sailors behind Man TEll not me my good Lord Plausible of your Decorums supercilious Forms and slavish Ceremonies your little Tricks which you the Spaniels of the World do daily over and over for and to one another not out of love or duty but your servile fear L. Plaus Nay i'faith i'faith you are too passionate and I must humbly beg your pardon and leave to tell you they are the Arts and Rules the prudent of the World walk by Man Let ' em But I 'll have no Leading-strings I can walk alone I hate a Harness and will not tug on in a Faction kissing my Leader behind that another Slave may do the like to me L. Plaus What will you be singular then like no Body follow Love and esteem no Body Man Rather then be general like you follow every Body Court and kiss every Body though perhaps at the same time you hate every Body L. Plaus Why seriously with your pardon my dear Friend Man With your pardon my no Friend I will not as you do whisper my hatred or my scorn call a man Fool or Knave by signs or mouths over his shoulder whil'st you have him in your arms for such as you like common Whores and Pickpockets are onely dangerous to those you embrace L. Plaus Such as I Heav'ns defend me upon my Honour Man Upon your Title my Lord if you 'd have me believe you L. Plaus Well then as I am a Person of Honour I never attempted to abuse or lessen any person in my life Man What you were afraid L. Plaus No but seriously I hate to do a rude thing no faith I speak well of all Mankind Man I thought so but know that
us to deny a Woman any thing since we are so newly come on shore 1 Sail. We 'll let no old Woman come up though it were our Trusting Landlady at Wapping Man Wou'd you be witty you Brandy Casks you you become a jest as ill as you do a Horse Be gone you Dogs I hear a noise on the Stairs Ex. Sailors Free Faith I am sorry you wou'd let the Fop go I intended to have had some sport with him Man Sport with him A pox then why did you not stay you shou'd have enjoy'd your Coxcomb and had him to your self for me Free No I shou'd not have car'd for him without you neither for the pleasure which Fops afford is like that of Drinking only good when 't is shar'd and a Fool like a Bottle which wou'd make you merry in company will make you dull alone But how the Devil couâ—d you turn a man of his Quality down Stairs You use a Lord with very little Ceremony it seems Man A Lord What thou art one of those who esteem men onely by the marks and value Fortune has set upon 'em and never consider intrinsick worth but counterfeit Honour will not be current with me I weigh the man not his title 't is not the King's stamp can make the Metal better or heavier your Lord is a Leaden shilling which you may bend every way and debases the stamp he bears instead of being rais'd by 't Here again you Slaves Enter Sailors 1 Sail. Only to receive farther instructions an 't like your Honour What if a man shou'd bring you money shou'd we turn him back Man All men I say must I be pester'd with you too you Dogs away 2 Sail. Nay I know one man your Honour wou'd not have us hinder coming to you I 'm sure Man Who 's that speak quickly Slaves 2 Sail. Why a man that shou'd bring you a Challenge for though you refuse Money Iâ—m sure you love Fighting too well to refuse that Man Rogue Rascal Dog Kicks the Sailors out Free Nay let the poor Rogues have their Forecastle jests they cannot help 'em in a Fight scarce when a Ship 's sinking Man Dam their untimely jests a Servant's jest is more sauciness than his counsel Free But what will you see no Body not your Friends Man Friends I have but one and he I hear is not in Town nay can have but one Friend for a true heart admits bâ—t of one friendship as of one love but in having that Friend I have a thousand for he has the courage of men in despair yet the diffidency and caution of Cowards the secresie of the Revengeful and the constancy of Martyrs one fit to advise to keep a secret to fight and dye for his Friend Such I think him for I have trusted him with my Mistress in my absence and the trust of Beauty is sure the greatest we can shew Free Well but all your good thoughts are not for him alone I hope pray what d' ye think of me for a Friend Man Of thee Why thou art a Latitudinarian in Friendship that is no Friend thou dost side with all Mankind but wilt suffer for none Thou art indeed like your Lord Plausible the Pink of Courtesie therefore hast no Friendship for Ceremony and great Professing renders Friendship as much suspected as it does Religion Free And no Professing no Ceremony at all in Friendship were as unnatural and as undecent as in Religion and there is hardly such a thing as an honest Hypocrite who professes himself to be worse than he is unless it be your self for though I cou'd never get you to say you were my Friend I know you 'll prove so Man I must confess I am so much your Friend I wou'd not deceive you therefore must tell you not only because my heart is taken up but according to your rules of Friendship I cannot be your Friend Free Why pray Man Because he that is you 'll say a true Friend to a man is a Friend to all his Friends but you must pardon me I cannot wish well to Pimps Flatterers Detractors and Cowards stiff nodding Knaves and supple pliant kissing Fools now all these I have seen you use like the dearest Friends in the World Free Hah hah hah What you observ'd me I warrant in the Galleries at Whitehall doing the business of the place Pshaw Court Professions like Court Promises go for nothing man But faith cou'd you think I was a Friend to all those I hugg'd kiss'd flatter'd bow'd too Hah ha Man You told 'em so and swore it too I heard you Free Ay but when their backs were turn'd did I not tell you they were Rogues Villains Rascals whom I despis'd and hated Man Very fine But what reason had I to believe you spoke your heart to me since you profess'd deceiving so many Free Why don't you know good Captain that telling truth is a quality as prejudicial to a man that wou'd thrive in the World as square Play to a Cheat or true Love to a Whore Wou'd you have a man speak truth to his ruine You are severer than the Law which requires no man to swear against himself you wou'd have me speak truth against my self I warrant and tell my promising Friend the Courtier he has a bad memory Man Yes Free And so make him remember to forget my business and I shou'd tell the great Lawyer too that he takes oftner Fees to hold his tongue than to speak Man No doubt on 't Free Ay and have him hang or ruine me when he shou'd come to be a Judge and I before him And you wou'd have me tell the new Officer who bought his Employment lately that he is a Coward Man Ay. Free And so get my self cashiered not him he having the better Friends though I the better Sword And I shou'd tell the Scribler of Honour that Heraldry were a prettier and fitter Study for so fine a Gentleman than Poetry Man Certainly Free And so find my self maul'd in his next hir'd Lampoon And you wou'd have me tell the holy Lady too she lies with her Chaplain Man No doubt on 't Free And so draw the Clergy upon my back and want a good Table to Dine at sometimes And by the same reason too I shou'd tell you that the World thinks you a Mad-man a Brutal and have you cut my throat or worse hate me What other good success of all my Plain-dealing cou'd I have than what I 've mentioned Man Why first your promising Courtier wou'd keep his word out of fear of more reproaches or at least wou'd give you no more vain hopes your Lawyer wou'd serve you more faithfully for he having no Honor but his Interest is truest still to him he knows suspects him The new Officer wou'd provoke thee to make him a Coward and so be cashier'd that thou or some other honest Fellow who had more courage than money might get his place the Noble Sonneteer wou'd trouble thee
in your head once the next thing you think is what they do as their defiling of honest Mens Beds and Couches Rapes upon sleeping and waking Countrey Virgins under Hedges and on Haycocks nay farther Eliz. Nay no farther Cousin we have enough of your Coment on the Play which will make me more asham'd than the Play it self Oliv. O believe me 't is a filthy Play and you may take my word for a filthy Play as soon as anothers but the filthiest thing in that Play or any other Play is Eliz. Pray keep it to your self if it be so Oliv. No faith you shall know it I 'm resolv'd to make you out of love with the Play I say the lewdest filthiest thing is his China nay I will never forgive the beastly Author his China he has quite taken away the reputation of poor China it self and sully'd the most innocent and pretty Furniture of a Ladies Chamber insomuch that I was fain to break all my defil'd Vessels You see I have none left nor you I hope Eliz. You 'll pardon me I cannot think the worse of my China for that of the Play-house Oliv. Why you will not keep any now sure 't is now as unfit an ornament for a Ladies Chamber as the Pictures that come from Italy and other hot Countries as appears by their nudities which I alwayes cover or scratch out wheresoe're I find ' em But China out upon 't filthy China nasty debauch'd China Eliz. All this will not put me out of conceit with China nor the Play which is Acted to day or another of the same beastly Author's as you call him which I 'll go see Oliv. You will not sure nay you sha'not venture your reputation by going and mine by leaving me alone with two Men here nay you 'll disoblige me for ever if Pulls her back Eliz. I stay your Servant Exit Eliza. Oliv. Well but my Lord tho' you justifie every body you cannot in earnest uphold so beastly a Writer whose Ink is so smutty as one may say L. Plaus Faith I dare swear the poor Man did not think to disoblige the Ladies by any amorous soft passionate luscious saying in his Play Oliv. Foy my Lord but what think you Mr. Novel of the Play tho' I know you are a Friend to all that are new Nov. Faith Madam I must confess the new Plays wou'd not be the worse for my advice but I cou'd never get the silly Rogues the Poets to mind what I say but I 'll tell you what counsel I gave the surly Fool you speak of Oliv. What was 't Nov. Faith to put his Play into Rithme for Rithme you know often makes mystical Nonsence pass with the Criticks for Wit and a double meaning saying with the Ladies for soft tender and moving passion But now I talk of passion I saw your old Lover this morning Captain Whispers Enter Captain Manly Freeman and Fidelia standing behind Oliv. Whom nay you need not whisper Man We are luckily got hither unobserv'd How in a close conversation with these supple Rascals the Out-casts of Sempstresses shops Free Faith pardon her Captain that since she cou'd no longer be entertain'd with your manly bluntness and honest love she takes up with the pert chat and common place flattery of these fluttering Parrots of the Town Apes and Echoes of Men only Man Do not you Sir play the Echo too mock me dally with my own words and shew your self as impertinent as they are Free Nay Captain Fid. Nay Lieutenant do not excuse her methinks she looks very kindly upon 'em both and seems to be pleas'd with what that Fool there sayes to her Man You lye Sir and hold your peace that I may not be provok'd to give you a worse reply Oliv. Manly return'd d' ye say And is he safe Nov. My Lord saw him too Heark you my Lord. Whispers to Plausible Man She yet seems concern'd for my safety and perhaps they are admitted now here but for their news of me for Intelligence indeed is the common Passport of nauseous Fools when they go their round of good Tables and Houses Aside Oliv. I heard of his fighting only without particulars and confess I alwayes lov'd his Brutal courage because it made me hope it might rid me of his more Brutal love Man What 's that Apart Oliv. But is he at last return'd d' ye say unhurt Nov. Ay faith without doing his business for the Rogue has been these two years pretending to a wooden Leg which he wou'd take from Fortune as kindly as the Staff of a Marshal of France and rather read his name in a Gazet Oliv. Than in the Entail of a good Estate Man So Aside Nov. I have an Ambition I must confess of losing my heart before such a fair Enemy as your self Madam but that silly Rogues shou'd be ambitious of losing their Arms and Oliv. Looking like a pair of Compasses Nov. But he has no use of his Arms but to set 'em on Kimbow for he never pulls off his Hat at least not to me I 'm sure for you must know Madam he has a fanatical hatred to good company he can't abide me L. Plaus O be not so severe to him as to say he hates good company for I assure you he has a great respect esteem and kindness for me Man That kind civil Rogue has spoken yet ten thousand times worse of me than t'other Oliv. Well if he be return'd Mr. Novel then shall I be pester'd again with his boistrous Sea-love have my Alcove smell like a Cabin my Chamber perfum'd with his Tarpaulin Brandenburgh and hear vollies of Brandy sighs enough to make a Fog in ones Room Eoh I hate a Lover that smells like Thames-street Man I can bear no longer and need hear no more Aside But since you have these two Pulvillio Boxes these Essence Bottles this pair of Musk-Cats here I hope I may venture to come yet nearer you Oliv. Overheard us then Nov. I hope he heard me not Aside L. Plaus Most noble and heroick Captain your most oblig'd faithful humble Servant Nov. Dear Tar thy humble Servant Man Away Madam Oliv. Nay I think I have fitted you for listning Thrusts Novel and Plausible on each side Man You have fitted me for believing you cou'd not be fickle tho' you were young cou'd not dissemble Love tho'twas your interest nor be in vain tho' you were handsom nor break your promise tho' to a parting Lover nor abuse your best Friend tho' you had Wit but I take not your contempt of me worse than your esteem or civility for these things here tho' you know ' em Nov. Things L. Plaus Let the Captain Railly a little Man Yes things canst thou be angry thou thing Coming up to Novel Nov. No since my Lord sayes you speak in Raillery for tho' your Sea-raillery be something rough yet I confess we use one another to as bad every day at Lockets and never quarrel for the matter
in Wapping nay and you 'd be scouring amongst my Trees and make 'em knock down one another like routed reeling Watchmen at midnight Wou'd you so Bully Free Nay pr'ythee Widow hear me Wid. No Sir I 'd have you to know thou pitiful paltry lath-back'd Fellow if I wou'd have marry'd a young Man 't is well known I cou'd have had any young Heir in Norfolk nay the hopefull'st young Man this day at the Kings-Bench Bar I that am a Relict and Executrix of known plentiful Assits and Parts who understand my self and the Law And wou'd you have me under Covert Baron again No Sir no Covert Baron for me Free But dear Widow hear me I value you only not your Jointure Wid. Nay Sir hold there I know your love to a Widow is covetousness of her Jointure And a Widow a little stricken in Years with a good Jointure is like an old Mansion-house in a good Purchase never valu'd but take one take t'other And perhaps when you are in possession you 'd neglect it let it drop to the ground for want of necessary repairs or expences upon 't Free No Widow one wou'd be sure to keep all tight when one is to forfeit one's Lease by dilapidation Wid. Fie fie I neglect my Business with this foolish discourse of love Ierry Child let me see the List of the Jury I 'm sure my Cousin Olivia has some Relations amongst ' em But where is she Free Nay Widow but hear me one word only Wid. Nay Sir no more pray I will no more hearken again to your foolish Love motions than to offers of Arbitration Ex. Wid. and Jerr Free Well I 'll follow thee yet for he that has a pretension at Court or to a Widow must never give over for a little ill usage Old Therefore I 'll get her by Assiduity Patience and Long-sufferings which you will not undergo for you idle young Fellows leave off Love when it comes to be Business and Industry gets more Women than Love Free Ay Industry the Fool 's and old Man's merit but I 'll be industrious too and make a business on 't and get her by Law Wrangling and Contests and not by Sufferings And because you are no dangerous Rival I 'll give thee counsel Major If you Litigious Widow e'r wou'd gain Sigh not to her but by the Law complain To her as to a Baud Defendant Sue With Statutes and make Iustice Pimp for you Exeunt Finis Actus Secundi ACT. III. Scene 1. Westminster-Hall Enter Manly and Freeman two Sailors behind Man I Hate this place worse than a Man that has inherited a Chancery Suit I wish I were well out on 't again Free Why you need not be afraid of this place for a Man without Money needs no more fear a croud of Lawyers than a croud of Pick-pockets Man This the Reverend of the Law wou'd have thought the Palace or Residence of Justice but if it be she lives here with the State of a Turkish Emperor rarely seen and besieg'd rather than defended by her numerous black Guard here Free Methinks 't is like one of their own Halls in Christmas time whither from all parts Fools bring their Money to try by the Dice not the worst Judges whether it shall be their own or no but after a tedious fretting and wrangling they drop away all their Money on both sides and finding neither the better at last go emptily and lovingly away together to the Tavern joining their Curses against the young Lawyers Box that sweeps all like the old ones Man Spoken like a Revelling Christmas Lawyer Free Yes I was one I confess but was fain to leave the Law out of Conscience and fall to making false Musters rather chose to Cheat the King than his Subjects Plunder rather than take Fees Man Well a Plague and a Purse Famine light on the Law and that Female limb of it who drag'd me hither to day but pr'ythee go see if in that croud of dagled Gowns there thou canst find her Pointing to a croud of Lawyers at the end of the Stage Exit Freem Manet Manly How hard it is to be an Hypocrite At least to me who am but newly so I thought it once a kind of Knavery Nay Cowardice to hide ones faults but now The common frailty Love becomes my shame He must not know I love th' ungrateful still Lest he contemn me more than she for I It seems can undergo a Womans scorn But not a Mans Enter to him Fidelia Fid. Sir good Sir generous Captain Man Pr'ythee kind Impertinence leave me Why shou'dst thou follow me flatter my Generosity now since thou know'st I have no Money left if I had it I 'd give it thee to buy my quiet Fid. I never follow'd yet Sir Reward or Fame but you alone nor do I now beg any thing but leave to share your miseries You shou'd not be a Niggard of 'em since methinks you have enough to spare Let me follow you now because you hate me as you have often said Man I ever hated a Coward 's company I must confess Fid. Let me follow you till I am none then for you I 'm sure will through such Worlds of dangers that I shall be inur'd to 'em nay I shall be afraid of your anger more than danger and so turn valiant out of fear Dear Captain do not cast me off till you have try'd me once more do not do not go to Sea again without me Man Thou to Sea to Court thou Fool remember the advice I gave thee thou art a handsom Spaniel and canst faun naturally go busk about and run thy self into the next great Man's Lobby first faun upon the Slaves without and then run into the Ladies Bed-chamber thou may'st be admitted at last to tumble her Bed go seek I say and lose me for I am not able to keep thee I have not Bread for my self Fid. Therefore I will not go because then I may help and serve you Man Thou Fid. I warrant you Sir for at worst I cou'd beg or steal for you Man Nay more bragging dost thou not know there 's venturing your life in stealing Go pr'ythee away thou art as hard to shake off as that flattering effeminating mischief Love Fid. Love did you name Why you are not so miserable as to be yet in Love sure Man Noâ— no pr'ythee away be gone or I had almost discover'd my Love and Shame well if I had that thing cou'd not think the worse of me or if he did no yes he shall know it he shall but then I must never leave him for they are such secrets that make Parasites and Pimps Lords of their Masters for any slavery or tyranny is easier than Love's Aside Come hither Since thou art so forward to serve me hast thou but resolution enough to endure the torture of a secret for such to some is insupportable Fid. I wou'd keep it as safe as if your dear precious life depended on 't