first give me a Kiss and then I will answer my Lady Mall Stand away you are the strangest man Master In a word we want all things we should have but I 'le do what I can and a man can do no more but prethee sit upon my knee my Dear here fill some Plum-porridge for this Gentlewoman bring some of the Tarts and Custards too and you shall pay nothing but now and then a Kiss Mall Nay pish Mr. Cook my Lady will be an angred Master Ounds I love thee Sweet and have done ever since I came to the House and so thou shalt find James prethee sing the Song I made of Mrs. Mary to the single Cittern come bring out the Tarts and Custards She eats sitting upon his Lap. 1 Cook Come on Sings Fy fy this Love keeps such a coil So high't does boil Love's heat does make so great a fire Of hot desire That all my fancy it does trouble Love so doth bubble My loving Pot can hold no more But does run o're Master How do you like it my Dear Mall I doubt you mean naughtiness forsooth or else it is very pretty 1 Cook Thou should'st skim Love upon the top Or with a Sop To soak it or else to dip it Many a Sippet Would keep 't within Love's circle then Stir it agen And if it rise 't will down you know If that you blow Mall This is scurrility as my Lady's Chaplain says Master Nothing but similizing as Poets must do but here 's a Cup of Wine my Heart and Soul to thee Ounds no man loves you better than I do Mall But I cannot stay forsooth my Lady will miss me Master But a little go on James 1 Cook Then dish it up unto your wish In Love's sweet Dish When Love's sweet morsels we have tasted None shall be wasted What 's left we 'l set up cold to eat For butter'd meat An ill Cook now is he that lingers To lick his fingers Mall Oh gemini what Songs you make me here well I don't mind 'em I don't understand 'em come will you let me go my Lady will chide me grievously Master Good Sweet-heart stay but one Song more and I have done Mall I 'le stay no more Songs not I if you don't let me go I purtest I 'le never come again Kisses her Look now now Fiddles you are the strangest man Master But one Copy of Verses dear Sweet-heart I will invite thee to Love's back-house There bolt our Love for Love will make us Not mealy-mouth'd but in Love's Oven The heat that 's there will make us loving Mall Nay get you gone I am a young Maiden and not fit for these kinded things Master Nay good Sweet-heart if thou say'st no Then out alas my Cake is dow Look you there that 's extempory Mrs. Mary how do you like it Mall Farewel I will not stay that 's once Kisses her Nay pish fy get you gone Exit Mall Master Farewel my Heart and Soul with thee here where 's the Clerk of the Kitchen Enter Clerk Clerk Here what do you want Master Want I quoth he we want every thing in the World a Pox on 't Clerk Be patient and you shall have all Master Patience Pox on patience Sounds my Lady is dishonoured for ever you will never be able to repair it Clerk Prethee what 's the matter man Master Blood there wants a wooden Candlestick in the Pastry Cook quoth he the Devil would not be a Cook at this rate Clerk Is that the matter that will be a great dishonour indeed come there shall be one Master And then we have none but Rush-candles in the Kitchin when we should have Torches it is so dark Clerk Come be patient and you shall want nothing Mr. Cook here is a Friend of mine pray make him welcome Master You 're welcome Sir cut off a piece of the Chine of Beef presently some Anchoves and Westphalia here 's a Boule of Sack to you here give me the Can that measures Ale by the Yard Derby measure Sir here 's this Can of Sack to you Sir I cannot stay Sir you see I must be gone Sir Come where are ye ye lazy Rogues fall to your work open the Oven there and see how the Pyes colour Clerk Master Cook you do not know the good qualities of this Gentleman Master Truly I do believe he is a very civil Person pray eat heartily Sir well Boys how are the Pyes 2 Cook All very well Master Master Look to the Boiler it does not boil too fast but what were you saying Sir Mich'y good dit ye Clerk This Gentleman plays rarely on the Musick Master Faith Sir since I have given you a cast of my Office pray give me one of yours and i'faith here 's the other Can of Sack to your health Music With all my heart Master Come out you Myrmydons and shake your heels i'faith I 'le have a Dance though my Lady has no Dinner 2 Cook Come out Boys 3 Cook Come out Lads They all come out and dance while some dance others are keeping time with their Chopping-knives Clerk Very well done Boys well danc'd Master Thank you good Sir here 's t'other Can to you Sir come my Boys take up your Drum-sticks your Chopping knives let the Dresser be your Drum and upon the Butter-meats and Sallets beat a Call then sound your Trumpet your Yard of Can for a Charge and dish up quickly Music Why you have Military Terms for all these things Master Sir I have been a General 's Cook after Dinner I 'le give a full description of all but now I cannot stay farewel Sir Music Your Servant Sir A great noise of chopping upon the Dresser Master Come you Rogues take off your Cans and be nimble to 't Boys Exeunt omnes Enter Footpad and the Rogues 1 Rogue This was a brave business and well laid 2 Rogue We unbound the Pedler who roared out for help and inquir'd after you 3 Rogue We pitied his condition mightily and told him we had seen you and directed him a wrong way whither he is gone in great haste to pursue you Footpad That was bravely done with my Pedler's Pack I made 'em all cut their Purses willingly never Indian King parted with his Gold at easier rates for Hatchets and Knives than my Coxcombs have parted with their Money for my Trinkets 4 Rogue What is the Purchase Captain Footpad Fourteen pounds and a Noble All. Ah brave Captain Footpad They pick't their own Pockets but now I hope we shall pick 'em for 'em they love Gypsies mainly and methinks we look as like the Race of Ptolomy 1 Rogue As Hogs grease and the Rind of Walnuts can make us 2 Rogue There are Strangers there brave Gentry an we could light o' them 3 Rogue Luck if it be thy will that we thrive in our Profession Footpad Have at thee Fortune they say thou art a Whore I will have about with though thou art grown so common thou favourest
Marg. crys And you to lay these things in my dish that have not deserv'd 'em at your hands Butl. Well I 'le say no more at present then Marg. But 't is no matter I am e'en served well enough to love such a one I thought ne're to have said so much but truth's truth and shame the Devil Butl. Come peace then Margery I believe thou dost love me Marg. Do I Ay that I do even but too well God knows Butl. Nay good dear Margery peace thou wilt break my heart to see thee cry so Marg. Your unkindness will be the death of me some time or other but yet James I would not have you cry it is not manly for a Taylor to cry therefore quiet your self 't is no matter what becomes of me Butl. Oh Margery thou hast Marg. What have I done Butl. Why thou hast drawn womanish tears from the Flood-gates of my manly Taylors eyes Prethee forgive me Marg. Well I do with all my heart Butl. I know thou art vertuous and religious Marg. Ay James I should be sorry else for every Holy-day when I put on my best Cloaths I read my Psalter many a leaf do I turn over with a wet thumb I have a new Bible too and when my Lady left her Practice of Piety she gave it me and you shall have it therefore pray think well of me I am no Papisht I thank God Butl. Sweet Margery forgive me all my faults and let 's kiss upon that Marg. With all my heart Butl. The best of Love with quarrels is possest Amantium irae amoris redintegratio est Exeunt Enter Colonel and Isabella Col. Look ye Madam the case is this I 'le go upon the square with my Lady I have a thousand pounds a year but 't is mortgaged very deep for I was hatter'd and sequestred as many brave Fellows were for serving the King but no more to be said Isab I have heard you were a great Sufferer he looks like a brave Fellow his roughness and honest bluntness pleases me strangely Col. I say nothing of that but I had as like to have had the honour of being hang'd for the King as any man and 't is true many undeserving persons were brought to the Scaffold that did not merit the honour like my self and if I had not had palpable in justice I 'm sure I had had the honour but no more to be said Isab A loyal Man Col. But Merit was not look'd upon they prefer'd Fellows to be hang'd that Gad were no more fit for 't than your Ladiships Chamber-maid Isab Do not repent Sir methinks 't is well as ' t is Col. No Madam nothing shall trouble me what cannot be cur'd must be endur'd but I serv'd in all the War I say nothing but the business is thus was my Estate engaged and I hearing of this Widow faith was content to mortgage my body to her to redeem my Land and so Madam I beg you will-please to let her know from me You are her Kinswoman and I thought the fittest person to break the Ice to her I see she is pester'd with Fools I could not do 't my self Isab Do you love her by hearsay only Col. I thought it convenient for her and me too and for Love Widows seldom trouble themselves with that Isab Then you are not much in Love Col. Faith Madam I am a Souldier and hate lying I am not dangerously Isab I know not what 's the reason but methinks I am glad to hear that Aside Col. Faith Lady I could love you a great deal better if it were as convenient for me Isab Say you so Col. Yes faith but I like my Lady and I know what belongs to a Gentleman and am honest I 'le make a kind Husband to her and Gad I 'le deal like a Gentleman with her and that she shall find as soon as she pleases and that 's the short and the long on 't Isab These Souldiers are all a word and a blow but methinks this honest bluntness is better than the fawning flattery of your perfumed feather'd hufty tufty Fools yonder comes my Lady let us retire and consult what I shall say to her Col. Come I see she 's persecuted damnably with Coxcombs let her but say one word and I 'le beat 'em every one out of the house Ex. Col. and Isab Isab Allons Enter Lady Haughty Codshead and Crambo meeting ' em Cramb. Your Servant Madam I have been meditating for your Ladiships Service Codsh Peace Crambo do not interrupt me I am very busie Cramb. Come let 's hear no swearing Lady These Fools begin to be troublesome I can enjoy no privacy for ' em Aside Codsh As I was saying Madam you are a pretty Thief and steal every bodies heart no man can keep a heart in quiet for you Lady Did not you steal that out of the Academy of Complements Mr. Codshead Codsh No as I hope to be saved Cramb. How now Mr. Codshead Crambo pulls him by the Elbow Codsh Why would not you have me hope to be saved when I have left off swearing I never saw such a man in my life i'faith you 'l put me quite out Madam your Eyes hum your bright Eyes hum have so enslaved me that hum hum I can no longer call my heart my own Lady Good lack a day but are you serious Codsh Ay the De hum could you but see your self you would not doubt it hum Cramb. That was very well Crambo claps him on the Back Codsh And then that stately and majestical Forehead adorned by or rather adorning those curles hum those snares for hearts Lady This Fool has been bred up to nothing but Questions and Commands and cross purposes Codsh That Arch upon your Brow is Cupids Bow as I hum Lady These commendations come not from your heart you hum and pause and seem to be in pain Codsh I am a Son of a Whore Madam if they be not from my heart and that 's an excellent word and no swearing The Widow smiles Cramb. For shame don't you see her laugh at you for it Codsh Peace I have a thousand commendations more for you as that your breath is a heavenly dew sweeter than Eastern Winds hum that o're the flowry Gardens blow hum ha or than the choicest of Arabian Gums Cramb. Very fine I 'le set it down I 'le use it Lord to see some ordinary men light of things now and then as good as one of us Codsh Your teeth like hum Oriental Pearls or Twin Lambs newly shorn Lady How came those Lambs and Pearls together they never met before Cramb. Pardon me Madam 't is a fine Trope and I 'le steal that too Lord to see how Wits are beholding sometimes to Fools Codsh Your Eyes Madam are two clear resplendent Fountains two Lady Two what not other things I hope too Codsh Two Helicons when you weep and your snowy Breasts are Lady What I beseech you Sir Codsh Two
a Jest Lady Pray Sir be civil Col. Madam I must be civil to my Honour Sir John Honour with a Pox I never saw such a cholerick uncivil man since I was born as I hope to be sav'd Just Swear the Peace against him I 'le give you my Warrant Codsh Do you hear Cousin if you do not fight with him you are a shame to your Family the Devil take me Sir John Not I why he 's mad I do not know what mischief he would do if one should fight with him Lady Gentlemen I must leave you Justice do you keep the Peace here Ex. Lady Isab and Nan. Codsh Do you hear angry Colonel God take me you shall give satisfaction for this Col. Why he 'l ne're fight Codsh 'T is no matter bring your Friend and if he will not I and another will the Devil take me in the Corn-field by the Gallows an hour hence Col. 'T is a dreadful place but I 'le meet you I 'le seek a Friend Just Come away Sir John Well I wish I may never stir if ever I saw such a peevish Fellow Exeunt omnes ACT IV. Enter Codshead Codsh I Have at length got my Scene by heart but if the Colonel should kill me by and by 't would quite spoil my Scene You' are like the new-sprung Eilies of the field Whose native colour hum Darkning the milkie way hum Then says she Your Phrases make my modesty to blush Then I again Then you appear like the new-budded Rose With modest blushes of Vermilion hum Vegetables hum hum odoriferous lustre Then says she My ignorance pleads my excuse Then I Lady 't is love your heart may feel that flame Then she I never knew yet what it was to love Then I I 'le teach you Virgin Pox she 's a Widow I shall forget to alter that word besides I am plaguily afraid of putting Oaths and Curses into the blank Verse Enter Doctor Then says she Oh if this Love were constant Then I Constant as Rocks that stand great Neptunes floods c. Oh Doctor you are welcome here 's Poet Crambo is in a desperate condition Doct. I am come to try my skill upon him Codsh I will have him brought out to you Enter Lady and Isabella Lady Come Doctor are you come to work a Wonder and make a dull Poet write Doct. I cannot do Miracles but I 'le do my best Codsh Good Doctor do and you shall be well rewarded besides the honour of the Cure They bring in Crambo Without your skill he is lost 't is a shrewd Fit Doct. Come Sir speak he cannot here take this Pen can you write No he is far gone his Muse is weak he must have some Poetical Remedies This it is to take impossibilities in hand to think that Wit can go beyond the limits of Wit they strain it into fustian and nonsence well this fustian will be the death of some Heroick Poet or other if they take not care the very speaking on 't is enough to bring the Actors into consumptions Lady 'T is true Doctor besides that constant noise of Riming when every two Verses sound alike like the Larum of a Clock disturbs me it makes my head ake to hear it Codsh What say you to him Doct. Why I think fit to apply a Cataplasm of Homer Codsh By no means Doctor it would raise such vapours in his head with Aeacus Minos and Radamanthus 't would make him ten times worse Doct. What do you think of Anacreon or Pindar for his Distemper Codsh Oh all Greek Poets with the strange Characters of Crows feet in his head would make him worse besides he has made use of 'em all and stole from every one of 'em which he understands already Doct. Why then some Pills of Virgil. Lady I have heard he did but imitate Homer Codsh Such losty Lines are not sit for his weak stomach Lady Oh strong Lines would stick in his Throat and choak him Codsh What think you of a Cordial of Horace Doct. Oh it will not work upon your Heroicks at all he has too much sense in him for them what if I should try Ovid Lady That will make him metamorphose himself into Trees and Beasts and Birds Doct. Perhaps so and his false Astronomy may do him harm and then Lucan with his Swords Darts and Piles is too strong for him Codsh Good Sir try some English Poets as Shakespear Doct. You had as good give him preserv'd Apricocks he has too much Wit for him and then Fletcher and Beaumont have so much of the Spanish Perfume of Romances and Novels Lady That 's true besides they may put him into a whining Fit of Love with Oh and Ah with folded arms Isab You had as good apply Liquorish and Sugar-candy to him with Pastor fido By serpent Rivulets under shady Trees With Scrip of Cordovant and gaudy Hook Doct. The last Remedy like Pigeons to the soles of the feet must be to apply my dear Friend Mr. Johnson's Works but they must be apply'd to his head Codsh Oh have a care Doctor he hates Ben. Johnson he has an Antipathy to him Cramb. Oh I hate Johnson oh oh dull dull oh oh no Wit Doct. 'T is you are dull he speaks now but I have less hopes of him for this dull he was the Honour of his Nation and the Poet of Poets if any thing will do 't he will bring your Poet into his Wits again and make him write Sense and Reason and purifie his Language and make him leave his foolish phantastical heroick Fustian Codsh Oh have a care what you do he hates him mortally Cramb. Oh oh oh Doct. Well Sir he must be forc'd to take Johnson's Works his Disease is desperate and he must have this Cure come remove him in I 'le order him Cramb. Oh oh no Johnson Doct. Come in with him sick men still nauseate their Remedies Ex. Doctor and two carrying Crambo out Lady Cousin prethee take the Key of my Cabinet and take the Net-purse with Gold in it and put it in his Pocket 't is a better Cordial than all the Doctor has named Isab I will Madam if money does not recover his senses nothing will Lady This is a Judgment upon him for stealing so they say he never writ any thing that was his own Codsh He was indeed a little given to filching but now for my Scene how shall I bring it in Lady your look is more victorious than I have ever seen it Lady No sure you 're mistaken Codsh Now now Y' are like the new sprung Lily of the field Whose native colour when it does appear Darkens what 's light it 's self the tender flower So innocent it trembles to be toucht The Devil Oh oh I was cursing Fearing a spot from the serener Air Darkning the milkie way of Stars so fair Now answer right if it be thy will Aside Lady Methinks I do not look so very pale as a Lily though I confess
I am very pale Codsh Pox on 't she should have said Your Phrases make my modesty to blush But I 'le go on come what will the Devil take me Then you appear like the new budded Rose With modest blushes of Vermilion die In your fair sight no Vegetable dare Sprout out and be so impudent t' appear In the high presence of Apollo 's Court Without your sweet and odoriferous lustre Lady Odoriferous lustre what 's that Codsh 'Sdeath she should have said My ignorance pleads my excuse 'T is damn'd cross Lady 't is Love your heart may feel that flame Lady This Fellow 's mad sure sure Sir you are troubled with Fumes like Poet Crambo Codsh Why there was another cross answer she should have said I never yet knew what it was to love I will on I 'le teach you Virgin Oh I forgot that Aside I 'le teach you Virgin Widow what it is Love is to one and does possess him all The rest of Females seem not Womankind God take me Ounds I was swearing and spoiling the Verse Contented sorrow and delightful trouble His sadness eas'd with sighs on which he lives And melancholy thoughts his harmony Her looks his day and soft perfumed speech Is Musick to his Soul and this is Love Lady Either this Fellow is running mad and has nonsense by inspiration or has got some foolish Fustian of Crambo's by heart and thinks to palm it upon me You speak most eloquently Codsh ' Sounds the Devil is in it she should have said Oh if this Love were constant Sir Oh misfortune Lady What troubles you Mr. Codshead will it not out Codsh Constant as Rocks that stand great Neptunes floods Or as the fixed Earth which never moves Or like the Gods Decrees which are unalterable Lady Indeed Mr. Codshead this was a fine pen'd Scene and spoken with skill but I cannot now stay to hear you act any longer adieu Exit Lady Codsh I am undone beyond redemption a Pox on this Poet Crambo and his Scene what shall I do But I must now about another business I must make War instead of Love and for the honour of our Family but I must cheat Sir John unto it he 'l ne're fight if he knows it for my part I am so angry I shall fight like a Devil Enter Sir John and Nan. Sir John But do you think you can bring about a Marriage with my Lady Nan. I warrant you never doubt it Sir do you make good your promise and I 'le perform mine Sir John Upon my Honour I will give you 500 Guinnies upon the nail Nan. I 'le do 't but Codshead observes us leave me Sir John Your humble Servant sweet Mrs. Anne Nan. aside Your humble Servant sweet Sir John but I intend good Sir to supply my Lady's place if it be possible he is the finest pretty wild merry Gentleman my eyes e're saw Exit Nan. Sir John With all my heart Cousin we 'l take a Walk together which way shall we go Enter James and Margery Codsh Towards the Gallows field Sir John Come on 't is a fine Walk Codsh I am sure he shall fight now or have his Throat cut Ex. Sir John and Codshead James Ay you will be showing your self with a Pox to you where the Gentlemen are still thou salacious Chamber-maid Marg. Marry come up go Snuff take Pepper in the Nose and have no Box to put it in James Oh you Lolpot you Scanderbag you Slolop Marg. You Raggamuffin you Drawlatch you Scurff you Nit. James Go you Carriers Pack you Make-bate you Spittle Marg. Are you grown so malepert you Jail bird you Mungrel you Widgeon James Oh you Face of ill Luck you Drable-tail you Drill Marg. Oh you lick-trencherly Scab you Weasel you Hang-panniâ—r James Marry Gip with a pestilence you Jilflert 〈…〉 Wriggle-tail Marg. I never wriggled to displease you you scurvy Stinkard James Go you Beggars Brat Marg. Indeed you are of an ancient Family that which belongs to your no House is an â—ld Coat powder'd with Vermine I had a Brother was a 〈…〉 for a Merchant far beyond the Sea and 〈…〉 never thou Todpool James You are of a Royal stock indeed have I not seen your Mother with a Petticoat of more patches than one can number indented at the bottom and so short I saw up to her old cruel Garters with her Stockins of three colours three stories high with Incle about her Hat knitting at the Gate for an Alms Marg. My Mother was an honest Woman I thank God and that 's more than you can say of your's James She was so ugly no body would touch her Marg. That 's false you Nit there 's not a body so ill favour'd but some good body now and then will have a charity for them You were Son to the Gold-finder of the house and were advanc'd forsooth by the Nursery-woman because they found you a bold Boy always putting forward Oh thou Epicrot thou wouldst dissemble with thy own Father James I 'm sure thou art an Epigram a great Epigram thou eatest more than all the house Marg. Oh thou art as arrant a Taylor that is a whole Thief and but the ninth part of a man James Oh you proud Slattern you have a fine place with your Vails and Nimming too how many ends of Cambrick Lawn Holland-lace Ribbands Hoods Scarfes Gloves Masks hast thou stolen Marg. Oh thou Camelion Rogue thou never mad'st any thing in the house but thou stolest something James I am sure I am an honest man and serve my Lady without ends good Mrs. Tawdry Marg. You lie you Tyger you have all the Candles ends James That 's a clinch you Quean you Marg. It is not a lie it is true what do you give me the lie in Greek which you learnt of our Chaplain James By my Troth Margery thou hast made me desperate I will do that which shall make your heart ake Marg. My heart ake why what will you do James What will I do why I will marry you Marg. Do your worst I am ready to marry you when e're you dare I think we shall ne're be quiet till we do James Why we quarrel and live like Man and Wife already we had as good marry our quarrelling then will be more Canonical Marg. 'T is all one you shall find me as desperate as you can marry when you durst James There 's no more to be said it must be so I 'le marry her to have lawful authority over her body Aside If after that the sawcy Quean dares quarrel I 'le use strict discipline and hoop her Barrel Enter Justice with a hundred pound Bag under his Arm in the Field Just This hundred pound will do well all my Rivals will be obliged to me Enter Colonel Col. Honest Justice I am glad I have met you Just Why what 's the matter Colonel Col. I am to fight a Duel just by with Sir John Noddy and Mr. Codshead is his Second and I wanted
every Blockhead 4 Rogue Would some of the Strangers would come out to us be sure they 're full of Money Footpad Come let 's roar out our Song of the Gypsies with laudable voices and that may train 'em out of the house 1 Rogue Come on let 's be merry by our selves 2 Rogue Come I love singing mightily Footpad So well that as thou livest singing thou wilt diesinging a Psalm I mean 2 Rogue Oh the brave jolly Gypsie Who often in tipsie And has strong Ale good store With a little black Whore When credit does fail With fat Hostess for Ale He grows dogged and sullen Steals her Geese and her Pullen And Linen that 's bleaching If it be within reaching 'T is juggled away By night or by day Then Fortunes we tell But stealing does well To help out the Trade Which is somewhat decay'd When Maids are a kissing Their things never missing Then we take our time And think it no crime And then the next morning Their Hue and Cry scorning We care not a straw For their Statute Law 1 Rogue Here come some of ' em Enter Justice Spoilwit Colonel Bounce and Sir John Noddy and Bulter Just We 'l take a Turn here before Dinner bring us word when her Ladiship comes down Butl. I will Sir I must go look after my Mistress Margery here are so many Gentlemen's Men I shall have one or other shap her up Just I'faith was it you that made this Musick you are brave Gypsies melodious Gypsies Sir John Where are the rest of your Company Footpad They are behind an please your Worship but I am chief All Rogues This is our Captain Just What I warrant you can tell Fortunes prethee look in my hand and tell me mine Col. Prethee Justice why wilt thou be such an Ass dost thou think they can tell Just Colonel I do assure you I have known notable understanding men men of excellent parts Gypsies 1 Rogue Sir I 'le warrant you I 'le tell you yours Col. I 'm sure I 'le give you nothing 1 Rogue 'T is no matter 2 Rogue Sir let me see your hand The Justice and Sir John give 'em money 1 Rogue By your Venus Trench You should love a Wench Col. Should why I do you Puppy and so does all the World Footpad I see plainly that you will be Knighted and marry a rich Widow As they tell their Fortunes they pick their Pockets Col. Ounds ye lying Rogues to flatter him so Just Good Sir have patience i'faith they are men of skill I know ' em Footpad How Fools will lie and help to cozen themselves Just So God save me I have known some Gypsies predict as well as Lilly or Gadbury 2 Rogue Sir it has been your mishap In your time to get a Clap. They all laugh Col. What dull Rogues these are why you Rascals is there a Gentleman that has not had a Clap Sir John Faith and Troth I have had six little and great ha ha ha Just Ha ha ha but i'faith shall I be Knighted and marry the Lady hah 1 Rogue Pray Sir let me see By your hand and this line You love a Glass of Wine Col. Why you abominable dull Rascal does not every body love Wine and Women there 's a Secret indeed why thou stupid blockheaded Puppy I could beat thy brains out if thou had'st any come a Pox on 't let 's be gone Just Nay good Colonel have patience alas you do not understand these things these are gifts Col. Gifts I 'm sure I 'le give them nothing 3 Rogue Alas Sir I am ingram man I desire no money I 'le pray for your Worship Col. Ay I think you may have wit enough for that Footpad By this Line of Honour Sir I find you 'l be made a Lord before you die Col. Come away you blockheaded Justice Just Well I come a Lord Oh brave a Lord well stay here and I 'le get my Lady to send for ye and pray let her know that she is to marry me Col. Come away poor witless Cheats poor Fools Sir John Ha ha ha look you there Justice Sir John strikes away one of the Gypsies Sticks Just Ha ha ha I thought we should have ye i'faith hah ha ho ho. Sir John Ha ha ha have I caught you Justice Sir John walks with his hand upon the Justice's shoulder whips off his Hat Just Ha ha ha you will never leave i'faith you are the pleasantest man ha ha ha Col. Come these are the silliest cheats Ex. Col. Justice Sir John Footpad Go your ways you 'l find your selves Fools by and by 'T is true you are witty but my judgment 's righter Since my Pocket's full and your Pocket's lighter Come my brave Rogues let 's be gone this was a brave booty let 's away and shift and divide lest if we should stay we may be taken and hang'd about this business All. Come away noble Captain Ex. Rogues Enter Lady Haughty Isabella Nan. Lady Where are my doughty Lovers I have stay'd a pair of minutes for 'em at least Isab Some Ladies would be as proud of such a Train of Lovers as Lawyers are of many Clients or Divines of heaps of Parishes to follow them Lady Some Lady would struct and take upon her like a new upstart Favourite to a Prince that flyes above the Gentry of his Country and uses 'em scurvily Indeed I have not much reason to triumph to day for I have none but Coxcombs Isab But you have every day variety as a Favourite has Lady And I use 'em scurvily too but yet they come and dissemble fawn flatter worship and fall down before me as if they took me for the golden Calf and I all the while look upon them with the same scorn that a new-raised Favourite does upon his Betters Nan. Did your Ladiship find such great affliction in Matrimony that you are such a violent enemy to it Lady So much as I am resolved never to be so constrained again I 'le continue as free as Nature made me why should we submit to that foolish Animal Man Let him be head I 'le keep the Fools at a distance and make them crouch Nan. But I hear of one Courtier too that is coming down that will win you the finest nice perfum'd periwig'd feather'd Person in the World Lady I know who 't is what shall I marry an outside of a man a Fellow put together by a Milliner Perfumer Feather-man and French Taylor Isab When Women fall much in love with men for their fine Cloaths I wonder they are not more in love with the Taylors that made ' em Lady A rich Suit out of an old Wardrobe would make as good a Husband I 'le give a Receipt of him Take fine rich Cloaths and do not pay for 'em take a Barber for a Counsellor rail at all but the present scorn and endeavour to depress all Arts and Sciences which he knows nothing of whisper Proclamations in your ears for Secrets tell
embrace Her crisped Locks like Threads of Gold Appear to each mans sight Her comely Eyes like Orient Pearls Did cast a heavenly light Lady Well done Justice there 's enough at once now Sir John try you Sir John His is a foolish old fashion'd Song Madam but mine 's of the new cast I dote I dote but am a Sot to show it I was a very Fool to let her know it For now she doth so cunning grow She proves a friend worse than a foe She 'l neither hold me fast nor let me go She tells me I cannot forsake her When straight I endeavour to leave her She to make me stay Throws a kiss in my way Oh then I could tarry for ever Lady Very well on both sides Sir John But you shall hear what he says to her 't is fine fine very fine But good Madam Fickle be faithful And leave off your damnable dodging Either love me or leave me And do not deceive me But let me go home to my Lodging De ' see Madam God that was smart Just That smart fy your old Songs are better by half they are more passionate There was a rich Merchant man That was both grave and wise He kil'd a man in Athens Town Great quarrels there did arise Oh a sweet thing is Love It rules both heart and mind There is no comfort in this World To Women that are kind Just I think that was a good Trillo Madam Lady Very good Sir John Madam hear but one Song of mine and if I do not put him down Oh my dear pretty Soul How thy black Eyes do rowl And rule without controul My poor Heart How can my dear Jewel Be to it so cruel When she can see well His great smart Nan. Oh Madam he 's the finest Gentleman in the World I shall die with looking on him Sir John 'T is very passionate and fine Madam Lady 'T is very well indeed but the next thing I must make trial of must be of your Dancing for I must have a Husband courtly and well bred Just If I do not fit you for that may I never examine Malefactor more why I was a Reveller at Grayes-Inn in my youth Madam Sir John Begin I fear you not Just Here 's no Musick but I 'le sing to my Dancing He dances ridiculously Lady Very well admirable well Sir John Come I 'le dance the Miâ—outes you do not know what that is Justice ha ha ha Just Pox on your French kickshaw Dances I love your true Derby-shire Horn-pipe Sir John dances and sings to it Codshead and two or three more bring in Crambo sick upon a Chair Codsh Come bring him hither for fresh Air this is a shrewd Fit pray Heaven it does not carry him away Cramb. Oh oh Spleen I am sick sick Lady What 's the matter Codsh Oh Madam here 's the Poet so sick the Dev Oh he was in his Chamber writing he fell into Raptures Ecstasies Furies heated and swell'd and big with Muse and cannot be delivered Just Fetch a Midwife for him ha ha ha Lady Nan fetch down some Cordial-water can he not speak Mr. Crambo Cramb. Oh oh Fumes Fumes Sir John Death he 'l sound tweak him by the Nose box him on the Ears let me come Codsh Hold Cousin forbear Enter the Colonel and Isabella hastily Lady Oh here 's Mr. Crambo in a Fit of Poetry as bad as a Fit of the Mother Nan. Here 's the Cordial Madam burn some Partridge-feathers under his Nose Col. Pox is this all nothing but a Poet sick Lady I see blockheaded Souldiers make nothing of a Poet. Enter Footpad and 1 Rogue Footpad Will it please you to have any Musick Codsh Ounds you Rogue is this a time for Musick Footpad Sir I heard your Poet was sick and perhaps Musick may do him good I have an excellent Song how the nine Muses invited a Poet to Dinner Codsh Death you Rascal get you gone Lady Hold Mr. Codshead it may do him good and please me prethee Fellow sing it Footpad 'T is to the Tune of Cook Laurel The Nine Lady Muses would make me their Guest And invited me to Parnassus to dine And promised me there a Poetical Feast And vow'd that their Helicon should turn to Wine The very first Dish was Heroical Verse Bak'd in a Pasty with smelling pufft Paste No Gravy there was for me to rebearse 'T was dull to the appetite dry to the taste Love-Sonnets in Lovers tears then were drest Stew'd in Love-sighs and set by to cool With excellent Cream and Eggs of the best And then this Loves Dish all said was a Fool. Then Epigrams dress'd and cook'd with pains With Vinegar Limon the Sawce full of Art And added unto it old Mortials Brains So this all the Muses said was their Tart. Sad Epitaphs Elegies if not mistaken Came to the Board and so were set down They look'd like a Westphalia Gammon of Bacon In his long Cloke or black Mourning-gown Then like a Shoulder of Venison in blood A Tragedy dish't with Mustard because It drew down a Deluge of Tears like a Floud With bitter Herbs added to heighten the Sauce A Comedy sweet and poignant then came By Natures Cook drest so finely and fit With all the sweet Herbs that any can name For spice strew'd with Satyr with Humour and Wit A Bisk or an Olio then one in brings With French Railleries and French Lampoons With Riddles in Rimes and Posies for Rings For the Meat they used Knives for the thin Broth their Spoons Raw Fruit great Dishes of School boys Themes Then sharp and quick Jests which all were preserv'd This slow'd like a stood of witty sweet streams And thus their Desert and Banket was serv'd The Thespian Spring all the Poets told me Ravish'd the Palate it was so divine Since Water and Wit can never agree They all concluded it was Spanish Wine The Muses then tun'd their Fiddles each string And vow'd for a while with them I should stay To hear a merry Song which they would sing When ended I kiss'd their hands and came away Lady 'T is very well there 's money Just Sir John give him some money Sir John Pox on you was not my Pocket pick't Just I shall have a hundred pound to be paid me it lies at the Town within half a mile I 'le walk over for it presently Footpad Do you hear that Sir 1 Rogue Ay and am glad to hear it we 'l be with him i'faith Lady Carry him up to Bed They remove Crambo Sir John Peace peace Sir John steals behind the Colonel who stands with his hands behind him and bites him by the Thumb Just Ha ha ha Col. kicks him Ounds you Rascal I reward you for your Monkey-tricks Lady How now what 's the matter Sir John Nay I know not Madam In 're saw the like in my life he 's the strangest cholerick person in the whole World I vow to God to box and kick a man for
you what the King said to him once upon a time that shall be nameless when he scarce takes notice of him once a year perhaps speaks to him neer Nan. Oh but they are rare men for making Love Madam Lady Faith they have but one Receipt of making Love which is like an Almanack for the Meridian of the Court and generally serves 'em for all England Quack-salvers Empiricks in Love that have but one Receipt for every thing The common High-way of Love flatter you and condemn others extol your Wit and yet think to make you a Fool praise your Vertue and yet strive to lie with you Isab And at such easie rates too swear he is your Vassal and lie at your feet nothing but lie cog flatter and dissemble which can cozen none but overweening self Lovers Lady Right Cousin they can deceive none but those that contribute to deceive themselves Nan. Lord should one suspect honest Gentlemen when they give one so good words too Lady They that do not suspect will be more than suspected Nan. For what Madam Lady For Fools Nan. But here come the Gentlemen now Madam Isabella observe Sir John Noddy 't is the merriest pretty Gentleman Enter Justice Sir John Colonel they salute the Ladies Lady Gentlemen you are welcome Sir John how do all our Friends in your Country how does my Lord your Neighbour Sir John Very well Madam I was a hunting with my dear Lord t'other day and he lighted and we all lighted and I sneaked behind one of his Gentlemen and thrust him into a plash of water ha ha ha Just Very good i'faith ha ha ha Sir John But had you seen my Lord how he laught the tears ran trickling down his Honour's cheeks he desired me to forbear or I should kill him then charged every body not to speak of it that he might tell it first when he came home Nan. Madam did not I tell you what a pretty witty wild Gentleman Sir John was Just Madam yonder are Gypsies without have told us our Fortunes if your Ladiship please to hear your's i'faith they are rare men men of excellent skill He feels in his Pocket ha hum what a Devil Oh Pox where 's my money O Devil Lady What 's the matter have the Gypsies bewitch't you Just O Lord Oh they or some body have pick't my Pocket of five pound in Silver and forty pound in old Gold Col. Truly Justice they are men of skill excellent skill Sir John Ha ha ha oh oh hum what have your Pocket pick't Justice that a man should be such an Ass Col. Ha oh Devil where is it Ounds they have done the same for me I have lost every cross Just Oh have you so Colonel Sir John I am the Son of a Strumpet if they have not got all mine too Just Ha ha ha Knight your Pocket pick't that a man should be such an Ass Knight The Cook knocks on the Dresser for Dinner carrying up Lady Come Gentlemen let 's in the Cook summons us to Dinner with that knocking comfort your selves after your losses here is money in the house you may make use of it Gentlemen if you please but let 's to dinner Just Come Madam we wait on you I shall have a hundred pound paid me by a Fellow that lives hard by you shall have what you will as far as that goes Gentlemen Sir John pulls off his Periwig and flings it away Sir John Thank you good Sir there ha ha ha oh good Justice now I am even with you ha ha Just Ha ha oh oh well go thy ways I never saw such a merry man in my life Lady What a strange Coxcomb is this Knight Cousin come Isab He is so but methinks the other is a handsom Gentleman there is a noble roughness in his countenance that speaks an honest plainness and a wise contempt of those Fools he is in company with his Mine and Air pleases me strangely Lady Allons Gentlemen Col. We wait on you Madam Ex. omnes ACT III. Lady Haughty Isabella Colonel Justice Sir John Codshead and Crambo and Nan at the lower end of the Table at Dinner Sir John COme Madam Isabella are you for some Plaice here is a great Plaice Ladies love to take place ha ha ha Just Very good ha ha ha Isab You are the pleasantest company Sir John where do you learn these things amongst the Wits Sir John No Madam Pox the Wits are dull Fellows they call themselves Wits but they are dull very dull I keep company with the Clinchers they are the rare company Col. Did ever man light into the company of such Fools Lady What are these Clinchers Sir John What are they why they are the gravest of Divines and Lawyers Judges will do 't upon the Bench at an Arraignment and sometimes your States-men are good at it they cannot forget when they were Sophisters Just Faith Madam these Clinchers are the wittiest people in the World Lady Pray Mr. Spoilwit cut me a piece of that Rabit Just Madam it is a raw bit and not a Rabit for it is not half roasted ha ha Sir John Ha ha Crambo Very good ha ha ha Codsh 'T is very good the Devil take me Crambo Again at the Devil Codsh Peace I hope my Lady took no notice on 't Col. to Isab I never knew any great Lady keep above one Fool and my Lady has four or five Madam Isab I think she had best put 'em in Livery Sir Just Here is a very good Fowl will you prove a Goose Sir John ha ha ha Sir John Ha ha no no but there 's a very good Woodcock Justice ha ha I love a Woodcock Justice ha ha Crambo Very good on both sides Col. That Poet Madam is a very dull Fellow Isab As dull a Poet as one shall see in a Summers day this man has sense and looks like a Gentleman Aside Sir John What are you for a Gull Justice ha ha ha Just No no I had as live's eat of an Owl Sir John I love not a Gull Sir John ha ha ha there I gave it him i'faith Colonel Sir John Ha ha ha very good i'faith well there is nothing like this Wit at Dinner Just Wit is never so good as at Meals it makes one digest the meat so rarely Lady Wit is indeed a fine thing but do grave Men Divines and Lawyers and Men of great business use this kind of Wit Sir John Oh ever while you live they are the wittiest people they are so full of Jests and will so laugh especially at Meals Just I'faith Sir John's in the right your Wits your flashy Wits are nothing to them when they please to be merry Sir John Oh there was a Judge that use to come our Circuit the purest company a Gentleman ask't a Lady whether she would have any Custard says the Judge Cus-turd you may be ashamed to name so uncivil a thing to so fine a Gentlewoman ha ha ha Just Passing good ha ha ha Sir