haâ—'t a smack at yourChops before ten say I amthe Son of a Mastiff who now Subscribe my self The obsequious puppy and languishing Lapdog Blunder-Bosse Sir Blun. Right Rogue in great Letters at bottom ha ha ha Gad it makes me laugh to think how fast the Wit flowâ—d from me why the Devil dost not laugh how canst forbear why ye grave Hermaphrodite thou doâ—t not laugh at me Tonn Ha ha ha ha Gad but I do Sir and more then that I 'll secure ye all that know ye shall laugh at ye Sir Blund Gad I 'le send it to London by the next Post and have it Printed in the next Collection of Letters that come out by the topping Wits there I know a Bookseller that will give any rate for 't to set off the rest De Fies Why faith your stile will be very particular Sir Blunder Sir Blun. Pox on 't I if there were a thousand tho I 'm told there is but one comes to her A Count they say but a pitiful sneaking Puppy De Fies What says the Dog Tonn Nay Fiesque is this your temper aside to him Sir Blun. Well with â—e good 〈◊〉 scoundrel Iâ—ll go and dispatch this away immediately and afterwards if e're I meet any Count there I 'll kick the Son of a Whore to Attoms Exit Sir Blund De Fies Oh Slave ' dsheart must I bear this and not cut his Throat Tonn Ye must he is not worth your anger besides remember friend this fool is to be the touchstone to try the nature of that Jilt Vandosme and so procure thy happiness and freedom Come let 's go and take a turn or two in the Garden and then come again perhaps she may have dispatcht her new Intrigue by that time and return De Fies Hard fate my Curse is want of Liberty And yâ—t 't will be a greater to be free Exeunt Enter Sanferre and Grossiere Sans. Not within sayst thou Sweet heart Gross No indeed my Lord Oh dear upon my veracity she 'll be extreamly concerned to be from home when your Grace does her this honour of a Visit but she 's so teized about recovering an Estate from some kindred of hers and the troublesome Lawyers do so plague her every day that I speak sincerely my Lord she 's hardly ever at quiet for ' em Sans. She s so incomparable a Beauty that I should rather have thought her Lovers than her Lawyers had plagu'd her Gross Lovers alas upon my veracity my Lord her head 's upon something else but she seldom stays loâ—g out and if your Grace pleases to take a turn or two in the Garden I 'll run and inform you the very minute she comes Sans. Ay with all my heart Gross Your Grace's most humble Servant I 'll go watch her coming Exit Gross Sans. This is a subtle Quean for all her simpering and train'd to lye she 's one o' th' Devils Scrutores cramm'd full of secret sins and never open'd but by the potent Master-Key calâ—'d Gold However I am arm'd and if I can by cunning or some expence discover from her Mistress who I perceive is great with Guillamour what I suspect bâ—tween him and my Wife I have my ends the Viper shall then leave gnawing me to prey on them If she comes to nights the time if not a Letter fill'd with Golden promises and the present of some Jewel shall charm her in the morning Beauty mans chiefest blessing all must own Which we dull Husbands hope is ours alone But oh what torments does that wretch endure That doubts his power that blessing to secure Exit Re-enter Grossiere with Vandosme peeping Van. Are you sure the Coast is clear Gross Yes yes very sure they are all gone into the Garden and if the truth were known with heavy hearts Vand. Ay 't is all one I had rather their hearts were out than I had lost this dear minute Gross Well Madam I see I shall never leave your service till I 'm quite damn'd about it This is the three and twentieth lye I have told to day for ye Lord have mercy upon me what will become of my Soul Vand. O prethee go and employ thy Soul in adding to the Musical performance within that 's all the use thou hast for 't that I know of for my part I have not thought of my own this seven year Come my dear Lord. Exit Grossiere Enter Guillamour They sit down Love's Rapture A Song I. Ye pretty Birds that Chirp and Sing Ye Trees and Plants that Bud and Grow Ye fragrant Flowers that bless the Spring Tell me whence comes it you do so Hark hark they answer 't is Celestial Fire The Gods call Love that does us all inspire II. That sacred Flame that sweetly Charms My Soul when lovely Cinthia sings That all Creation Labour warms And Matter to Perfection brings The busie useless Sun may cease to shine 'T is Love that sheds the Influenoe Divine Second Movement Then Lovers love on and get Heaven betimes He that Loves well attones for the worst of his Crimes Jove's Gate is lock'd fast on the Sordid and Base But the generous Lover is sure of a Place And the Nymph her Elizium need question no more When her Saint has a Key to open the door Guil. Dear sweetest Creature I am charm'd to follow thee Oh I shall tire thee my Dear Besides Fiesque may come Vand. And go when he does come he has prov'd that already Oh my dear Lord there is vast difference between the man loves me and him I love Fiesque is witty honest brave and generous I know he loves me too even to dispairing but what 's all this when inclination shuns him I have no relish of his entertainment he always treats me with a pall'd repast which tho it feeds me yet still it leaves me hungry Guil. And shall not I be pall'd too and insipid when your nice fancy 's pleased to change the Diet Vand. Oh no you are a Regalia where there 's all variety your Tongue your Face your Shape your Charming Air your Motion Mein your every look's a Banquet Y' are like that sweet Tree in the Sunny Continent where all the best Spices grow together and if you â—an but bloom with Flowers of Constancy Guill Oh enough of em to make a tollerable Nosegay never fear Child Dear Dutchess I beg thy pardon for Iâ—m a very lying Rogue aside Vand. Could you but love me only for your sake I 'd sacrifice the rest of human kind but you are an Englishman and of a Nation famous for Levity full of wavering fancies you are ne're contented with the present good tho Ruin follows still the vice of changing Guill Gad she has nick'd us to a hair right as she had the Spirit of Prophesy The very Women now have found us out This is our blessed Character all the World over Enter Grossiere hastily and whispers Vandosme Vand. Gurse on him the impertinent is come back Come my â—ord let
and because thou shalt not be too Envious of my happiness I will now mix it with some allay know therefore that this Angel Creature we are speaking of has by Intervals and Fits more and worse humours than all the Shee Devils put 'em together in Belzebub's Seraglio there never was such appearance of Saint and Spirit of Satan mixt in one Woman since the Creation talk to her this minute her brow shall be unclouded Sweet and serene her Aire Innocent and Ingaging and her whole Composure all Harmony Softness and quiet and yet the next Cross her but with a Trifle she shall roar louder than a Storm Swear Curse tear your Perruke Linnen throw Bottles Glases Knives Forks nay Chairs and Stools at your Head in less time then I have been making the Description Tonn Why this is a very Devil Indeed But canst thou that art a Man of Sence and Spirit bear it and proceed De Fies Oh friend tho this Devil in her I confess my Philosophy should teach me to conjure and avoid yet when her Charming Person and the Joyes she sometimes gives me comes into my memory her Cherubs Face soft touch and fragrant Breath I doubt my Sence and think her all o'r Angel Oh I Love her friend and she too too well knows it She comes prithee leave me for half an hour And take a turn in the Garden 't is possible e're long I may wean may Self in the mean time reprove me not but Pitty me Tonn Pitty Faith instead of that I 'll do more for thee then I have done for my self this Seavâ—n years I 'll go pray for thee for take it from me thy Case is deâ—perate Exit Tonnere Enter Vandosme De Fies So Venus Mov'd when drawn by Ciprian Doves She met Adonis in the Mirtle Groves With Rosy face and loose Expanded Hair Exposing all that 's Charming all that 's fair Vand. Hey day What silly fancy 's this What in the name of Poverty has set ye a Rhyming this morning Phoo Jesu how hot 't is grown o' th sudden I was bewitch'd I think to come out to day De Fies Why how now Sweet What deâ—ponding the first minute you see me prethee remember Child 't is me thou com'st to see I am I my dear the Man that Loves thee Loves thee beyond the World and Gad if desert may take place deserve thy Love again better then any Man in 't Vand. Lord you are always so full of your own Desert if others could but see so much in ye 't were well De Fies Why can you see none at all in me Vand. Pish Lord What a do's here every day with your desert pray don't Expect any flattery from me I am not in a humour I met a plaguy Black Coat at my first coming out this Morning I am sure there is some ill coming towards me would the Devil had them I had rather a Raven should Cross my Way than a Priest a thousand times De Fies Fye Child Wouldst thou let such a Trifle as that put thee out of humour when thou wert coming to see me Vand. Well well If you don 't like my humour pray let me be gone here 's no body will Confine thee too 't that I know of Ofiers to go De Fies Nay nay begon why that is more ridiculous now than t'other prithee dear Child do but Consider what a strange humour this is Vand. Well well If it be a strange humour let it be so I know no body will mend it De Fies Oh woman woman woman for one dear Charming minute of Pleasure amongst one hundred thousand of discontent What are we poor Mortals Men born to Suffer Vand. Why this is the Devil now â—lways complaining complaining always uneasy pish pray let me go I have other business to do then to stand fooling here De Fies Oh ungrateful How can you call the chief nay the most Advantagious business of your Life fooling come this is a dissimulation so gross you ought to blush at it but you know my Love can hide a thousand such Erorrs as this Oh by Heaven I love thee so intirely that Vand. Love me yes Sir you take care to shew it mighâ—ily your Love was exprest extreamly in your Actions yesterdeay Dâ—ye remember the Flea De Fies The Flea Vand. Yes Sir the Flea which tho an Inconsiderable thing in it â—elf yet you know I passionately Lov'd it and for you when I took it out of its Box to let it dine upon my breast to come with your rubbing brush Chin and horse-play to fright it and make it leap into the Fire was an Injury I 'll never forgive D'slife would the fire had been big enough and you had been bound to leap into it your self Dâ— Fiâ—s Ah sweet Nature how I Love thee prithee have some mercy Child and consider your wish is a double Curse upon me for I poor Flea as I am already burn with Love of thee and to wish me to hop into another Fire before I am purg'd in this is a Martyrdom unexampled 'T is beyond St. Lawrences Gridiron or any of the old Persecutions Vand. Oh witty Sir you may talk on and fancy you are minded if you please De Fies And so then the burning of this Flea to Exalt my misfortunes has been the notable occasion of this your quarrel to me Vand. This or any other occasion so I do but quarrel with thee I 'l not give yea any account what 's the occasion or if I do you and your Actions perhaps are my aversion that 's the occasion De Fies Is my Love become a Trouble Vand. Oh pray call it by its rigâ—t Name Impertinence and then I can answer that is always a trouble De Fies Insuportable vexation now am I ready to choak with fretting Spets Vand. Ugh now hawking and Spitting on purpose to spoyle ones Stomach to ones Dinner egh Kecks De Fies What a Devil must not I spet for ye when I have occasion sure I may spet Madam Aloud Vand. Oh your Lungs up with all my heart Death and Hell let me be gone Aloud to him De Fies No no you have a Fit upon ye and I won't expose ye in Publick till it be off harkee Madam What did you come hither for Vand. The Devil knows what I came hither for would I had been ham-string'd or my Feet crippled with Corns as big as Wallnuts to have hindred me you shall be less visited henceforward What a plague d' ee stop the door for De Fies Nay then my Patience is quiet spent and let me now tell ye Madam you shall stay a little for my humour Vand. Your humour I won't Fool D'slifâ— keep off your hands or else may Thunder Blast me if my Nailes don't dig as many Holes in your Face as ever the Small-Pox did thou shalt not have three Hairs left in thy Perriwig and this your Beauships Cobweb Steinkirk here shall be as quickly Tinder as De Fies Hush
believe I must call some body that shall be nameless to Council too about the management of my Conjugal Gentleman for he begins to be Obstreperously Jealous And when once they are so they cease to be Husbands and turn Jaylors for my part I had as live be in the Bastile and order'd to feed upon Bread and Water as be Confin'd to the sneaking allowance that a Parsimonious Husband shall bestow on me Tonn Oh pox a Husband's allowance like a Prison Basket will Starve those that have nothing else to subsist on L. Bris. I 't is well that we Women have sometimes Courage enough to usurp the Priviledge of Free-born Subjects and Enjoy by Wit what our Husbands won't grant us by good Nature for then the Pleasure of deserving 'em is a Substantial happiness Now do's my codel'd Matrimony securely believe that I am at home looking after the Rose-cakes or licking my Clammy Fingers after potting up the Marmalade of Quinces when God knows I am here under his Nose dress'd en Cavalier ready for the Plays the Musick the Walks and I may be for variety by to morrow to please my self will be in a Fruit Garden twenty Mile off with a very good Friend Tonn Ay gad and I hope at night dear Madam be better pleas'd in a better Place with a very good friend D. Sans. All Entertainments are priz'd as the Apetite is inclin'd Count now if the Peaches Apricocks and Frontiniack Grapes the Viand delicate of the day shall regale my Sister better than your night treat Lord How Sneakingly you 'd look in the Morning L. Bris. I Swear he relishes So much of our Sex by wearing Petticoats so long that if we chance to be straightn'd for Lodging And I should be forâ—'d to Roost with him I Vow I should fancy I was going to bed to my Nurse you 'd be a very Nurse Count. Tonn Such a Confounded Nurse I should make too Child gad I fear thou wouldst never be able to endure me For I should be plaguy Cross if you tumbled or squawl'd in the Night time if you 'd take the Nipple quietly you might but if I gave ye any thing with a Spoon the Devil take me D. Sans. I don't know what sort of Nurse the Count would make Sister but by his way of talking he would make an Excellent Midwife or else some Gossip Hostess Oh! he would make a delicate Gossip at a City Christning for he talks just as they do to one another in a Lying-in-Room Tonn Ay or as you do to one another in your dressing Rooms L. Bris. Come come prithee leave this unprofitable Chat and show me the Garden and Rarities I waâ—rant there 's twenty new Monsters come since I was ere besides I have been so long tormented in the Country with the lowing of Cows bleating of Sheep and Cawing of Rooks that the least of the Town diversion's a Calf with four Legs or a Russia Ram with a long Tail will be a Rarity to me or else let 's go to the Opera No no Stay the Water-works the Water-works Oh God! but then they say there 's the rarest Italian Rope-dancer come over And a wonderful Creature that has three or four Sexes D'slife I've no patience till I see them all D. Sans. What altogether Sister Prithee let 'em be seen one after another if you Love me Tonn The greatest Rarity you can see Madam in this Disguise will be your Husband making Love to me he 's to bring the Fiddles here by and by prithee dear Angel see that first for my Satisfaction L. Bris. With all my heart and I 'll Man it so I warrant he never knows me I 'll venter what his Instinct can do for once I believe I may be a true or a false Princess as I please I need not fear any discovery he can make by his Lyon like vertue Exeunt Tonn and Brissac L. Sans. 'T is a wild giddy-headed Creature and I must take care to govern her Indiscretion for my own sake let me see Looks on Watch. 'T is almost the hour that by apointment I am to meet my dear Guillamour at the window on the other side the Garden an assignation I would not break to be Mistress of Versailes bless me Is not this he or do my Eyes Dazle Enter Guillamour and L. Buske Guill That 's Impossible but mine do always dazle when they meet thy Luster thou brightest and most Lovely of thy kind L. Sans. Heavens my Lord you amaze me How durst you venture hither my Husband being here and knowing his Humour Guill Led by resistless Love and a kind Genius that helps a Lover still on bâ—ld adventures to unriddle the Mistery know my better Angel that the Marquess has casually had Information of our Window-Intreague but my good Old friend Sessac happening to be there at the time of the Discovery and finding the Jealous Marquess was resolv'd to surprize us was coming in all hast to give me caution whom I luckilly met Just as we saw your Coach return home Mrs. L. Buske here being at the Window I beckon'd her down the rest which will make you Laugh and the reason of my ventring hither you shall have from her L. Busk Ha ha ha yes if I have breath enough to tell it for laughing ha ha ha be pleas'd to know thâ—n Madam that Mrs. Danbray the new Spy that my Lord has lately Eâ—â—ertain'd has been dressing him up in your blew Night-gown and head-â—â—othes in which he makes so awkard a Figure t' would make one Dye to see him he 's just gon to the Window that opens upon the wall thâ— other side of the Garden I got so near that I found his business waâ— to watch for my Lord here and that he would stay at his Post some hours which made me assure him that he might venture to you without danger Guill Ay Gad and for that Assurance there 's a Token of my Love for thee Ha ha ha Was there ever so provoking an Adventure Faith Madam it is but reasonable we should Pay this diligent Watchman for his Waiting L. Sans. I am for having him deserve a little more first we can at last but Pay him alltogether Guill Gad for the Honour of my dear Country England I 'm of a Temper that desires to render every one his due methinks I long to be out of his Debt L. Sans. For Punctual Payment of such kind of Debts I have heard indeed that your Englishmeâ— are very Consciencious if Câ—ckoldome would pay a Cittizen's Bill the good Apron-man need never stir over his own Threshold to Dun ye But come my Lord not to discourage your Generous Intentions quite I 'll make ye a Present of my Picture here the Shadow that you have so long desir'd but I charge ye to think of no Substances at least for a certain time that I shall prefix What 't is but reason you should Invoke your Saint before you enter your Paradice Guill
Brissac The Loadstone I find has lost its Vertue the Old Spark does not know me Ton. I see it but the Defect is in the Steel and not the Loadstone A Pox on him he has no more Natural Sympathy then if his Skin were Stuft with Straw L. Briss. I 'll try whether he has or no for I 'm resolv'd to Banter him before we part Guill That Pretty Creature yonder has been Oagling me this half hour hah I know her now it must be She Fiesques Charming Mistress that the Town Celebrates so for a Miracle of Beauty Gad her Smiles give me strange Incouragement I 'll go and talk to her 'T will be a pretty Amusement for Sanserre there who must then naturally believe my Intrengâ—e is with her and not his Wife Apart then goes to Vand. Vâ—nd What a Bewitching Face and Aire has that Englishman whose very Look so Charmes me that by Heav'n I 've hardly Patience to forbear some Love-Extravagance before the Company hah he Oagles me too Now Beauty do me right Dear Face perform thy Office Smiles on him Eriss Tâ—at's all Boy Let him but think 't was thy Mistake and for the rest of the Banter let me alone Sir Blun. Well well prethee Old Bullethead don't doubt me if a Lye will do the Business my Conscience is Wide enough Pox I hate a Jealous Rascal more than a Dutch Cook does a French Kickshaw Briss. Come now then let 's all sowse in upon him like Spaniels upon a Duck in a Pond I 'll set in first Hey where are these Fidlers Come let 's have a Country Dance Strike up there you Rogues Come Cuckolds all-a-Row Here 's a Bucksome Lass shall be my Partner What say'st thou to 't my Jolly Sixteen Ribs Give me thy hand to Sans. Why where are these Cuckoldly Fidlers to Play this Cuckoldly Dance Strike up I say to us The Nimble Cuckold-makers of Versaâ—lles Here 's one will Foot it Briskly I'faith Sans. Harkee Brother No more Jesting d' ee hear I shall grow Angry Briss. Harkee my Lord So shall I You have wrong'd my Sister d' ee hear and I have enough in me to call you to Account for 't But hush no more words on 't for her Quietssake and the Love of some Body else here at present I pass it by but if I hinder any body from laughing at your Toppings here the Devil take me ha ha ha why Gentlemen and Ladies hereâ—s a surprize will make ye dye with laughing we are all deceiv'd here this is no Lady Gentlemen but a noble Lord Gentlemen my Brother the Duke de Sanserre Gentlemen who being horribly suspicious of being hornified Genttlemen by his Lady at Court here Sans. As his Brother the old Count Brissâ—c Gentlemen is foolishly secure of not being hornified by his Lady i' th' Country Bris. Has most cunningly dress'd himself ha ha ha in his Ladies Clothes Gent. with designe to catch her napping with a certain lusty young English Lord alias Whoremaster call'd Guillamour Gent at him my young Hercules speak for thy self now at him at him Guill Who he design'd to catch is not my business to examine but I hope his Grace has nothing to say to my Conversation with his Lady Sans. Oh my Lord you are much in the right Tonn His conversation with that Lady when her coming hither was only an Assignation with me ds'death What means he aside Sir Blun. Why the short and the long is I was mistaken in the Whore and my Lord there like a Coxcomb as he was was mistaken in the Window-what a pox there 's more windows than one to a house sare and more Bitches then one in Painted Night-gowns and Peticoats L. Briss. If my Lord had not been discoverd to be a Man by Iove I should have taken him for a very good fat jolly Lady of mine Acquaintance Sans. Which very good fat jolly Lady is a Baud I 'm sure for that lewd smock fac'd â—mp can have no other acquaintance Tonn I hope Madam my Lord has not so wholly Ingross'd your Conversation but you may have leasure to put in your Jest too pray give me your opinion methinks the head-clothes sitting so awry look like tawdry Mrs. Quakine sitting at Cards in her Chamber the Evening of the day she has taken Physick to Vandosme Briss. Ha ha ha ha dear Empress a witty Observation faith Sans. Oh! Iâ—m sorry they don't please ye Madam I hope your Comode there sits cocking straight enough Guill And the Night-gown there so loose and Negligent looks just like the tawdry Countess of Iersy in a morning without her Stays Sans. What 's that you say Sir Angrily Vand. Oh fye How ill a frown becomes that Dress which I confess I must own is most extreamly perticular Sans. Is it indeed so perticular Madam Sir Blun. Oon's the Dog looks like a Hermophrodite at a Leaguer drinking of Brandy with a Corporal of the Guard They all laugh Sans. Nay if that Porpuss be spouting too 't is time to shun drowning indeed a plague of your Merriment D'sheart I shall grow Mad if I stay and unman my self Exit Sanserre Briss. Ha ha ha ha Now is he gon to vent the rest of his confounded humour upon his Valet de Chambre and Pages a pox on 't this con â—s of foolish Jealousy who the Devil would be Jealous it makes a Man old ill-natur'd ill Company ill-belov'd And brings a thousand Inconveniences a pox I hate the very thought on 't Tonn Ay but yet it shews Love Count it shews Love Briss. Ay that 's before Marriage dear Empress that 's before you know what and then I grant there may be some reason to be Jealous to lose ones Mistress but of onâ—s Wife gad 't is a meer breaking out a Corruption of Soul and Body 't is a Disease worse than the Pox Why now have I a Wife in the Country a very house-dove A pretty poor harmless contented thing that I warrant is this very minute reading the Ladies Calling to her Maids or a Treatise of the Duty of a Wife to her Husband and faith I Love her well enough too for a Wife She wants for nothing L. Briss. How A young Wife left by her Husband want nothing reflect a little on what you say old Sir Briss. Why how now Monsieur no Beard Do the farthing Candles of your Eyes want snuffing this Morning old Sir ye young Milksop What do you see old about me L. Bris. Why you stoop in the Shoulders and bend in the Hams Old Aeson Briss. What a lying Jackanapes is this prithee look on me dear Empress by gad I 'm as straight as an Arrow Tonn Ay 't is true he is a little malitious but he 's a very pretty fellow faith Count and I can't forbear oagling him a little Briss. Prithee look on me Oo'ns do but look on me ye young Coxcomb Am not I straightâ— Do I bend in the Hams ye envious Puppy let all the World Judge if I