a wit her foe And such a wit as can give overthrow To male or female be they man or woman This can my Tutour do and I or no man Ball. And Pamphilus shall learn by this deare knock His liberall valour late bestowed upon me Invention lies at safer ward then wit This sword shall teach not to provoke the cruell Asot. And by this jemme shall I confound a jewell S'lid Tutour I have a wit too there was a jest ex tempore SCEN. II. Asotus Ballio Tyndarus Tyn. PHysicians say there 's no disease so dangerous As when the Patient knows not he is sick Such such is mine I could not be so ill Did I but know I were not well The fear Of dangers but suspected is more horrid Then present misery I have seen a man During the storm shake at the thoughts of death Who when his eyes beheld a certain ruine Died hugging of the wave Were Evadne true I were too blest or could I say she 's false I could no more be wretched I am well My pulse beats musick and my lively bloud Dances a healthfull measure Ha! What 's this Gnaws at my heart what viperous shirt of Nessus Cleaves to my skin and eats away my flesh 'T is some infection Asot. Tutour let 's be gone O' my life we are dead men else Tyn. My Asotus Asot. Keep your infection to your self Tyn. 'T is love Is my infection Asot. Nay then I care not Tyndarus For that is an epidemicall disease And is the finest sicknesse in the world When it takes two together Tyn. Deare deare self How fares the darling of the age Say what successe Asot. Did not I tell you Sir that I was born With a caul upon my face My mother wrapt me In her own smock The females fall before me Like trembling doves before the towring hawk While o're the spoils in triumph thus I walk Ball. So he takes virgins with his amorous eye As spiders web intraps the tender flie Asot. True Tutour true for I wooe 'um with cobweb-lawn Tyn. I know the rest of women may be frail Brittle as glasses but my Evadne stands A rock of Parian marble firm and pure The crystall may be tainted and rude feet Profane the milkie way The Phoenix self Although but one no virgin E're I harbour Dishonourable thoughts of that bright maid No Tyndarus reflect upon thy self Turn thine eyes inward see thine own unworthinesse That does thy thoughts to this suspicion move She loves thee not 'cause thou deserv'st no love Asot. I do not know where the inchantment lies Whether it be the magick of mine eyes Or lip or cheek or brow but I suppose The conjuration chiefly in my nose Evadne Sir is mine and woo'd me first Troth 't is a pretie lasse and for a woman She courts in handsome words and now and then A polite phrase and such a feeling appetite That having not a heart of flint or steel As mine 's an easier temper I consented To give her in the way of almes a night Or so You guesse the meaning Tyn. Too too well And must her lust break into open flames To lend the world a light to view her shames Could not she taste her Page or secretly Admit a tuft-back'd Groom into her arms Or practise with her Doctour and take Physick In a close room But thus good heavens to take Her stallions up i' th' streets While sin is modest It may be healed but if it once grow impudent The fester spreads above all hopes of cure I never could observe so strange a boldnesse In my Evadne I have seen her cheeks Blush as if modesty her self had there Layn in a bed of corall But how soon Is vertue lost in women Ball. Mistake us not Deare Tyndarus Evadne may be chaste To all the world but him And as for him Diana's self or any stricter goddesse Would loose the Virgin-zone I have instill'd Magnetique force into him that attracts Their iron hearts and fashions them like steel Upon the anvile to what shape he please He knows the minute the precise one minute No woman can hold out in Come to me Sir I 'le teach you in one fortnight by Astrologie To make each Burgesse in all Thebes your cuckold Asot. As sillie lambes do fill the wolves black jaw And fearfull harts the generous lions paw As whales eat lesser fries so may you see The matrons maids and widows stoop to mee Tyn. O do not hold me longer in suspence The prisoner at the barre may with lesse fear Heare the sad sentence of his death pronounc'd Then stand the doubfull triall Pray confirm me Asot. Know you this Jewel Tyn. O my sad heart-strings crack Asot. If your Evadne be a Phoenix Tyndarus Some ten moneths hence you may have more o' th' breed Tyn. This did I give her and she vow'd to keep it By all the oaths religion knew No Deity In all the court of heaven but highly suffers In this one perjurie The diamond Keeps his chaste lustre still when she has foiled A glorie of more worth then all those toyes Proud folly gave such price to Asot. This a prety toy But of no value to my other trophies That the frail tribe has sent me Your best jewels Are to be found Sir in the weaker vessels And that 's a mysterie I have sweat out such Variety of trifles their severall kindes Would pose a learned lapidary my closet By some that knew me not for Cupids favourite Has been mistaken for a Jewellers shop Ball. And then for ribbands points for knots and shoe-strings Or to slip higher garters no Exchange Affords such choice of wares Asot. Phoebus whip Thy lazy team run headlong to the West I long to taste the banquet of the night Sir if you please when I am surfetted To take a prety breakfast of my leavings Tyn. Where art thou patience Hence contagious mists That would infect the aire of her pure fame My sword shall purge you forth base drosse of men From her refined metall Asot. Blesse me Tutour This is not the precise minute Tyn. Why should I Afflict my self for her No let her vanish Shall I retain my love when she has lost The treasure of her vertue Stay perchance Her innocence may be wronged Said I perchance That doubt will call a curse upon my head To plague my unbelief But here 's a witnesse Of too too certain truth stands up against her Me thinks the flame that burnt so bright dies in me I am no more a captive I have shak'd My fetters off and broke those gyves of steel That bound me to my thraldome My fair prison Adiew How sweetly breaths this open aire My feet grown wanton with their libertie Could dance and caper till I knockt at heaven With my advanced head Come deare Asotus There are no pleasures but they shall be ours We will dispeople all the elements To please our palates Midnight shall behold Our nightly cups and weare a blacker mask As envious
The ravens schreech-owls and the mandrakes voice Shall be thy constant musick I can talk Thy friends that come to see thee shall grow deaf With my loud clamours Heaven be prais'd for tongue No woman in all Thebes is better weapon'd And 't shall be sharper or were any member Not dead besides my tongue I would employ it In thy just torment I am vext to think My best revenge age hath prevented now Else every man should read it in thy brow Chrem. I will not winde you up deare larum Go Run out your line at length and so be quiet Exit Chremylus SCEN. V. Dypsas Tyndarus Asotus Ballio Tyn. HEre is an argument Tyndarus to incite And tempt thy free neck to the yoke of Love Are these the joyes we reap i' th' nuptiall bed First in thy bosome warm the snake and call The viper to thy arms O gentle death There is no sleep blest and secure but thine Wives are but fair afflictions sure this woman Was woo'd with protestations oaths and vows As well as my Evadne thought as fair As wise and vertuous as my soul speaks her And may not she or play the hypocrite now Or after turn Apostate Guilty thoughts Disturb me not For were the sex a sinne Her goodnesse were sufficient to redeem And ransome all from slander Dyp. Gentle Sir I pity the unripenesse of your age That cast your love upon a dangerous rock My daughter But I blush to owne the birth And curse the wombe so fruitfull to my shame You may be wise and happy or repent Exit Dypsas SCEN. VI. Tyndarus Asotus Ballio Asot. THis woman is a devil for she hates her own children Ball. In what an extasie stands that grieved wight Asot. In troth I shall into compunction melt Will not a cup of Lesbian liquour rowze His frozen spirits to agilitie Ball. Spoke like a sonne of Aesculapius Asot. My fathers angels guard thee We have gold To cure thy dumps although we do not mean It should profane these breeches Sure his soul Is gone upon some errand and has left The corps in pawn till it come back again Tyn. Cold jealousie I shall account thee now No idle passion when the wombe that bare her Shall plead her guilt I must forget her name Fly from my memory I will drink oblivion To loose the loath'd Evadne Asot. Generous Sir A pottle of Elixar at the Pegasus Bravely carouz'd is more restorative My Tutour shall disburse Tyn. Good impertinent Asot. Impertinent Impertinent in thy face Danger accrues upon the word Impertinent Tutour draw forth thy fatall steel and slash Till he devoure the word Impertinent Ball. The word Impertinent will not beare a quarrell The Epithite of Good hath mollified it Asot. We are appeas'd Be safe I say Be safe Tyn. Be not rash Tyndarus This malicious woman May as well hate her daughter as her husband I am too suddain to conclude her false On such sleight witnesse Shall I think the Sunne Has lost his crown of light because a cloud Or envious night hath cast a robe of darknesse 'Twixt the worlds eye and mine Asot. Canst thou royall boy Burn out the remnant of a day with us Tyn. I am resolv'd upon a safer triall Sir you are Courtly and no doubt the Ladies Fall out about you for those rare perfections Can do no lesse then ravish Asot. I confesse I cannot walk the streets but straight the females Are in a tumult I must leave thee Thebes Lest I occasion civill warres to rage Within thy walls I would be loth to ruine My native soil Ball. Sir what with my instructions He has the wooing character Tyn. Could you now But pull the maiden-blossomes of a rose Sweet as the spring it buds in fair Evadne Or gain her promise and that grant confirm'd By some sleight jewell I shall vow my self Indebted to the service and live yours Asot. She cannot stand the fury of my siege Ball. At first assault he takes the female fort Aso. And ride loves conquerour through the streets of Thebes I 'le tell you Sir You would not think how many gentlemen-ushers have and daily do endanger their little legs by walking early and late to bring me visits from this Ladie and that Countesse Heaven pardon the sinne Ne're a man in this city has made so many chambermaids loose their voices as I ha' done Tyn. As how I pray Asot. By rising in the cold night to let me in to their Madam If you heare a waiting-woman coughing follow her she will infallibly direct you to some that has been a mistresse of mine Ball. I have read loves tactiques to him and he knows The military discipline of wooing To rank and file his kisses How to muster His troops of complements and Tyn. I do beleeve you Go on return victorious O poore-heart What sorrows dost thou teem with Here she comes SCEN. VII. Tyndarus Asotus Ballio Evadne Tyn. ANd is it possible so divine a goddesse Should fall from heaven to wallow here in sinne With a Babion as this is My Evadne Why should a sadnesse dwell upon this cheek To blast the tender roses spare those teares To pitie others thy unspotted soul Has not a stain in 't to be wash't away With penitent waters Do not grieve thy sorrows Have forc'd mine eyes too to this womanish weaknesse Asot. A prety enemie I long for an encounter Who would not be valiant to fight under such colours Evad. My lord 't is guilt enough in me to challenge A sea of teares that you suspect me guilty I would your just sword would so courteous be As to unrip my heart there you shall read In characters sad lovers use to write Nothing but innocence and true faith to you Tyn. I have lost all distrust seal me my pardon In a chaste turtles kisse The doves that draw The rosie chariot of the Queen of love Shall not be link't in whiter yokes then we Come let us kisse Evadne Out temptation There was too much and that too wanton heat In thy lascivious lip Go to the stews I may perchance be now and then a customer But do abjure thee from my chaster sheets Exit Tyndarus SCEN. VIII. Evadne Ballio Asotus Evad. THen from the world abjure thy self Evadne And in thy quiet death secure the thoughts Of troubled Tyndarus My womanish courage Could prompt me on to die were not that death Doubled in loosing him Th' Elysian fields Can be no paradise while he 's not there The walks are dull without him Asot. Such a qualm O' th' sudden Ball. Fie turn'd coward Resolution Is the best sword in warre Asot. Then I will on And boldly Yet Ball. What will you lose the day E're you begin the battell Asot. Truely Tutour I have an ague takes me every day And now the cold fit 's on me Ball. Go home and blush Thou sonne of fear Asot. Nay then I 'le venture on Were she ten thousand strong Hail heavenly Queen Of beauty most illustrious Cupids
thee toyes with this I 'le send thee more Phryn. How ravishing is his face Sim. That I should have so ravishing a face And never know it Miser that I was I will go home and buy a looking glasse To be acquainted with my parts hereafter Phryn. Come lie thee down by me here we will sit How comely are these silver hairs This hand Is e'ne as right to my own minde as if I had the making of it Let me throw My arms about thee Ball. How the burre cleaves to him Sim. This remnant of my age will make amends For all the time that I have spent in care Phryn. Give me thy hand How smooth a palm he has How with a touch it melts Ball. The rogue abuses him With his greasie fists Phryn. Let us score kisses up On one anothers lips Thou shalt not speak But I will suck thy words e're they have felt The open aire Sim. That I should live so long And ignorant of such a wealth as this SCEN. VII. Simo Thrasymachus Hyperbolus Chaerilus Bomolochus Phryne Asotus Asot. NOw am I Oberon prince of Fairy land And Phryne shall be Mab my Empresse fair My souldiers two I 'le instantly transform To Will-with-a-wisp and Robin-goodfellow And make my brace of Poets transmigrate Into Pigwiggin and Sir Peppercorn It were a prety whimsy now to counterfeit That I were jealous of my Phrynes love The humour would be excellent and become me Better then either Tyndarus or Techmessa Thus will I walk as one in deadly dumps Sim. When shall we marry Phryn. I can hardly stay Till morning Asot. O what Fury shot A viper through my soul Here Love with twenty bows And twenty thousand arrows layes his siege To my poore heart O Phryne Phryne I have no cause why to suspect thy love But if all this be cunning as who knows Away foul sinne O eyes what mischief do you see Ball. O I could burst with laughter Here will be A prety scene of mirth Sim. Thou dost not love me My boy Asotus my young sprightly boy Has stoln thy heart away Phryn. He a poore mushrum Your boy I should have guess'd him for your father He has a skin as wrinckled as a Tortoyse I have mista'ne him often for a hedge-hog Crept out on 's skin Pray keep the fool at home Asot. Patience go live with cuckolds I defie thee Villain rogue traitour do not touch my deare So to unsanctifie her tender skin Nor cast a goatish eye upon a hair To make that little threed of gold profaned Or gaze but on her shoe-string that springs up A reall rose from vertue of her foot To blast the odours grim-fac'd death shall hurry thee To Styx Cocytus and fell Phlegethon Sim. Asotus good Asotus I am thy father Asot. I no Asotusam nor thou my fire But angry and incensed Oberon Sim. All that I have is thine though I could vie For every silver hair upon my head A piece in gold Asot. I should send you to the barbours Sim. All all is thine let me but share A little in thy pleasures onely relish The sweetnesse of 'um Asot. No I will not have Two spenders in a house Go you and revell I will go home and live a drudges life As you ha' done to scrape up pelf together And then forsweare all Tutours Souldiers Poets Women and wine I will forget to eat And starve my self to the bignesse of a polecat I will disclaim his faith that can beleeve There is a Taverne or a Religious place For holy Nunnes that vow incontinence And have their beads to sin by Get you home You kisse a Gentlewoman to endanger Your chattering teeth Go you have done your share In getting me to furnish the next age Must be my province Go look you to yours Lie with your mustie bags and get more gold S'lid anger me and I 'le turn drudge for certain Sim. Asotus good Asotus pardon me Asot. I wonder you are not asham'd to ask pardon Sim. It was the dotage of my age Asotus Asot. Who bid you live untill this age of dotage Sim. I will abjure all pleasures but in thee Asot. This something qualifies Sim. It shall be my sport To maintain thine Thou shalt eat for both And drink for both Asot. Good this will qualifie more Sim. And here I promise thee to make a joynture Of half the land I have to this fair Lady Asot. This qualifies all You have your pardon Sir But heare you Sir it must be paid for too To morrow Mab I thee mine Empresse crown Ball. All friends A merry cup go round What Captains And Poets here and leave the sack for flies SCEN. VIII. Ballio Asotus Phryne Simo Thrasimachus Hyperb. Cheribus Bomolochus Tyndarus Hyp. THrasimachus a whole one Thras. Done I 'le pledge thee Though 't were a deluge By my steel you have left Enough to drown an island Chaerilus Char. And 't were the famous fount of Hyppocrene I 'de quaffe it off all though the great Apollo And all the Muses died for thirst Bomolochus Bom. Come boy as deep as is Pamassus high Tyn. What nurserie of sinne is this what temple Of lust and riot Was this place alone Thought a fit witnesse for the knitting up Chaste and religious love Deeds dark as hell Incest and murder might be acted here The holy god of Marriage never lighted His sacred torch at so profane a den It is a cage for schreetch-owls bats and ravens For crows and kites and such like birds of prey But the chaste turtle the indulgent pelican And pious stork flie hence as from infection Evadne meet me here Is she a parcell Of the damn'd family Are there such white devils Among their Succuba's No thou art wrong'd Evadne And there be some that scatter snakes amongst us Have stung too deep already SCEN. IX. Ballio Asotus Chaerilus Simo Hyperbolus Thrasimachus Tyndarus Evadne Tyn. BLesse me eyes My troubled fancie fools me I am lost In a distracted dream It is not she Awake thee Tyndarus what strange sleeps are these Me thinks I am in hell and yet behold A glorious Angel there Or have these devils Broke into Paradise for the place is such She blesses with her presence Meere contradictions Chimaeras of a restlesse brain Evad. Diana And whatsoever Goddesse else protects Untouch'd virginity shield me with your powers To what a wildernesse have my wandring steps Betray'd me sure this cannot be a place To meet my Tyndarus in Tyn. 'T is Evadne 'T is the fair-foul Evadne Now my sword That hadst a good edge to defend this woman Go send her soul into another mansion Black as it self It is too foul a tenant For this fair palace Stay yet too forward steel Take her incircled in her stallions arms And kill two sinnes together Let 'um be At hell to beare the punishment of lust E're it be fully acted Evad. What strange fancies My maiden fears present me Why I know not But this suspicion seldome bodeth good Thras. A handsome
inhabitant of the grave that had his house broke open accus'd the thief of Burglarie Look here This is a Lawyers skull There was a tongue in 't once a damnable eloquent tongue that would almost have perswaded any man to the gallows This was a turbulent busie fellow till death gave him his Quietus est And yet I ventured to rob him of his gown and the rest of his habillements to the very buckrum-bag not leaving him so much as a poore half-peny to pay for his wafrage and yet the good man ne're repin'd at it Had he been alive and were to have pleaded against me how would he have thundred it Behold most grave Judges a fact of that horrour and height in sinne so abominable so detestable in the eyes of heaven and earth that never any but this dayes cause presented to the admiration of your eares I cannot speak it without trembling 't is so new so unus'd so unheard-of a villanie But that I know your Lordships confident of the honestie of your poore Oratour I should not hope by all my reasons grounds testimonies arguments and perswasions to gain your belief This man said I man this monster rather but monster is too easie a name this devil this incarnate devil having lost all honesty and abjur'd the profession of vertue Rob'd a sinne in the action But who The dead What need I aggravate the fault the naming the action is sufficient to condemne him I say he rob'd the dead The dead Had he rob'd the living it had been more pardonable but to rob the dead of their clothes the poore impotent dead that can neither card nor spin nor make new ones O 't is most audacious and intolerable Now you have well spoke why do you not after all this Rhetorick put your hand behinde you to receive some more instructions backward Now a man may clappe you o' th' coxcombe with his spade and never stand in fear of an action of batterie Staph. For this one time husband I am induced but insooth I will not make a common practise of it Knock you up that coffin and I 'le knock up this Rich and glorious Sex Bright as the sunne Come we must strip you Gallants the worms care not for having the dishes serv'd up to their table cover'd O O O! Tyndarus and Techmessa rise from the coffins and the Sexton and his wife affrighted fall into a swoon Staph. Heaven shield me O O O! SCEN. V. Tyndarus and Techmessa Tyn. HOw poore a thing is man whom death it self Cannot protect from injuries O ye gods Is 't not enough our wretched lives are toss'd On dangerous seas but we must stand in fear Of Pyrates in the haven too Heaven made us So many buts of clay at which the gods In cruell sport shoot miseries Yet I hope Their spleen 's grown milder and this blest occasion Offers it self an earnest of their mercy Their sinnes have furnisht us with fit disguises To quiet our perplexed souls Techmessa Let me aray you in this womans robes I 'le weare the Sextons garments in exchange Our sheets and coffins shall be theirs Tech. Deare Tyndarus In all my life I never found such peace As in this coffin it presented me The sweets that death affords Man has no libèrtie But in this prison Being once lodg'd here He 's fortified in an impregnable fort Through which no doubts suspicions jealousies No sorrows cares or wilde distractions Can force an entrance to disturb our sleeps Tyn. Yet to those prisons will we now commit These two offenders Tech. But what benefit Shall we enjoy by this disguise Tyn. A great one If my Evadne or thy Pamphilus E're lov'd us living they will haste to make Atonement for our souls stain'd with the guilt Of our own bloud if not they will rejoyce Our deaths have opened them so cleare a passage To their close loves and with those thoughts possess'd They will forget the torments hell provides For those that leave the warfare of this life Without a passe from the great Generall Tech. I hope they may prove constant Tyn. So pray I I will desire you statue be so courteous To part with 's beard a while So we are now Beyond discovery Sex O O O! Staph. O O O! Tyn. Let 's use a charm for these Quiet sleep or I will make Erinnys whip thee with a snake And cruell Rhadamanthus take Thy body to the boyling lake Where fire and brimstone never slake Thy heart shall burn thy head shall ake And every joynt about thee quake And therefore dare not yet to wake Tech. Quiet sleep or thou shalt see The horrid bags of Tartarie Whose tresses ugly serpents be And Cerberus shall bank at thee And all the Furies that are three The worst is call'd Tisiphone Shall lash thee to eternitie And therefore sleep thou peacefully Tyn. But who comes hither Ballio what 's his businesse SCEN. VI. Ballio Tyndarus Techmessa Ball. SExton I 'le open first thine eares with these To make 'um sit to let perswasions in Tyn. These Sir will cure my deafnesse Ball. Art thou mine Tyn. Sir you have bought me Ball. I 'le pay double for thee Shall I prevail in my request Tyn. Ask these Ball. Th' art apprehensive to the purpose then Have you not in the temple some deep vault Ordain'd for buriall Tyn. Yes Ball. Then I proceed We have to night perform'd the last of service That piety can pay to our dead friends Tyn. 'T was charitably done Ball. We brought 'um hither To their last home Now Sir they both being guilty Of their own deaths I fear the laws of Thebes Deny 'um buriall It would grieve me Sir For friendship cannot be so soon forgot Especially so firm a one as ours To have 'um cast a prey to Wolves and Eagles Sir these religious thoughts have brought me hither Now at the dead of night to intreat you To cast their coffins into some deep vault And to interre 'um O my Tyndarus All memory shall fail me e're my thoughts Can leave th' impression of that love I beare thee Thou left'st me half of all the land thou hadst And should I not provide thee so much earth As I can measure by thy length heaven curse me Tyn. Sir if your courtesie had not bound me yours This act of goodnesse had Ball. So true a friend No age records Farewell This work succeeds Posterity that shall this story get May learn from hence an art to counterfeit Exit Ball SCEN. VII. Tyndarus Techmessa Tyn. HEre was a strange deliverance who can be So confident of fortune as to say I now am safe Tech. This villain has reveal'd All our designes to Pamphilus and Evadne And they with bribes and hopes of an inheritance If you were dead indeed have won this rascall To this black treason What foul crimes can Lust Prompt her base vassals to Here let us end Our busie search and travell o're the world To see if any cold and Northern climat Have