to want nor how to abound apt to murmur and repine in Straits and to be lifted up and grow secure in Enlargements O Lord in every Condition I need thy grace to teach me how to behave my self O shew me thy way and lead me therein for thy Name-sake Also the Lord taught me hence that I ought to be patient under his hand when he hideth his Face and to resign up my will to his Will inasmuch as I do not know what is good for my self The Lord seeth I should be worse it may be if I enjoyed more than I do and therefore in wisdom and mercy he keeps me in a low Condition My confusion sometimes hath been so great that I have been so unsetled and at such a loss in my Soul that I knew not what to do all former workings have been questioned and judged as nothing In the hour of such temptation the Lord taught me besides Prayer and searching into my Soul to have recourse to former experiences Psal 77. 10 11. and Psal 85. Octob. 11. In the morning I bewailed it before God that I was still at a loss to know whether I loved him and after Prayer I read 1 Joh. 2 ch and I was made in a more special manner to take notice of v. 5. Whoso keepeth his word in him verily is the love of God perfected Me-thought I saw God Answering my Prayer and telling me out of this word that I loved him In him verily 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 it is a sure sign of Love to God we need not doubt of it if we keep his Word Now if I know my own heart I desire to do so if the Love of God be perfected in him that keeps his Word then surely it is begun in him that desires and endeavours to keep his Word Jan. 25. The Lord helped me with Tears to bewall mine abominations even my Original and actual sins my formality Earthliness alienation from him c. therein he did remember and fulfil that gracious promise Ezek. 36. 31. I found Godly sorrow sweet not only in the root and fountain thereof it being a Covenant blessing but in the very Actings of it Feb. 2. In the Evening upon my Bed the Lord did graciously melt my heart in the sight of sin under this Consideration that it was against infinite Love I was ashamed confounded and abashed because I had so long slighted neglected Rebelled against a God of Love My Soul even trembled at it Jan. 15. 1655. Having been the day before with one under great Temptations and hearing of another under a wounded Spirit my heart was melted in Prayer whilst I was praising God for his long patience in the days of my sinning and his tenderness and gentleness towards me in my Conversion Jan. 16. I found my heart drawn out to a recumbence on Jesus Christ The Spirit saith Come Rev. 22. 17. Christ saith Come Joh. 7. 37. And the Father saith Come Mat. 22. 4. And who am I O Lord that I should gainsay such Invitations Behold O Lord I come and put my trust in thee Jan. 26. I Preached twice and had very gracious assistance much beyond expectation in the week before I was much indisposed and could not get my heart to a setled meditation of what I was to speak I was under a great sense of my impotency and laboured in the fire till Saturday Afternoon when I cried to the Lord he was gracious to me and Answered me After my work was over I was much assaulted with Spiritual Pride I saw plainly the reason of Gods delaying his Assistance and giving me such sense of my weakness was to keep me humble Every way O Lord I see my own vileness when thou withdrawest from me then my heart dieth and my strength fails and I am ready to be froward When thou enlargest me then I am ready to be puffed up Oh pardon and purge away all my sin for thy Names sake Mar. 23. In Singing the 15 th Psalm I found Comfort my Conscience bearing me witness that I laboured after those things which are set down as Characters of a Citizen of the New Jerusalem Sept. 28. I had sweet Meditations upon my Bed I found God in my morning Prayer also in private and assistance in Preaching but not such an influence of the Spirit in publick Prayer as I have sometimes found Yet I had begged of God that he would give me his presence in publick as a token that he accepted of me and my work but he withdrew I feared hereupon that I had tempted God and sinned in begging new signs of his favour when I had had such great experience of his goodness many times before Lord forgive the sin of thy Servant Nov. 23. Examining my self about a work of Grace I had some Comfort from Ps 40. 8. Delight in doing the will of God is an Argument of the Law written in the heart Now I found that I had a delight especially in some duties as visiting the Sick comforting of distressed Consciences c. I was somewhat terrified from that word in Job ch 42. 7. I was afraid least in my Preaching I should sometimes speak those things of God that were not right and soon after going to Prayer I was in time of Prayer comforted from Joh. 16. 13. The Spirit shall guide you into all truth Dec. 7. I found the Lord very much Answering my Prayer in giving very gracious and powerful Assistance both in Prayer and Preaching at Trinity Lecture on Sabbath day I may say as Jaber 1 Chron. 4. 10. who said Oh that thou wouldest bless me indeed and be with me And God granted my request The next morning there came a woman to me and said she was troubled at the Sermon that she could scarce sleep all night for she bad not gone so far as the Scribes and Pharisees and that which added to the mercy was God kept me humble after this enlargement Mar. 31. 1657. I had a very evident Answer of Prayer I was at a pinch for some money I begged of God that I might be supplied and that Afternoon one to whom I had lent a little money brought it me which was enough for my present necessities the Circumstances were very remarkable I sought the Lord also to be with the Parish in the choice of their Church-Wardens and there were those two chosen whom if I had had the Nomination I should have chosen my self Apr. 21. I kept a day of Fast to the Lord. I found God graciously with me in Prayer the chief thing that I propounded was to seek direction as to my Preaching on Week-days Among other things I begged of God a supply of my wants being in some straits for want of money That very night one brought me 10 s. for Preaching a Funeral Sermon which I expected not and the next morning the Church-Wardens of St. Andrews Parish brought me 7 l. and upwards whereby I was sufficiently supplied I could not but take notice of
of the Lords Supper I found God gracious to me in preparation In the morning when I awaked God brought to my remembrance Jer. 2. 32. Can a maid forget her Ornaments or a Bride her attire I considered I was to meet and Sup with my Bridegroom the Lord Jesus and then considered what Ornaments and attire would best please him that I might put them on and these were presented to my thoughts some as I lay in bed and some afterwards as lovely and desirable in the sight of Christ which I determined to put on 1 st A meek and quiet Spirit 1 Pet. 3. 4. 2 ly Faith Cant. 4. 9. Thou hash ravished my heart my Sister my spouse with one of thine Eyes Faith hath the office of an Eye in the Soul Joh. 6. 40. Every one that seeth and believeth Looking unto Jesus Heb 12. 2. 3 ly Love Cant. 4. 10. How fair is thy Love my Sister c. 4 ly Humility Math. 11. 29. Learn of me for I am lowly in heart 5 ly Self-denial and forsaking of every thing that cometh in Competition with Christ Ps 45 10 11. Hearken O Daughter and consider forget thine own people and thy Fathers House So shall the King greatly desire thy beauty 6 ly An obediential frame of heart Math. 10. 20 21. All these have I observed from my youth Jesus beholding him Loved him 7 ly An heart resolved to hold and maintain frequent converse and communion with him Cant. 2. 14 Let me see thy countenance let me hear thy voice for sweet is thy voice and thy Countenance is Comely 8 ly Uprightness Prov. 11. 20. 9 ly An holy fear of God and hope in his mercy Ps 147. 11. 10 ly fruitfulness Cant. 4. 16 5. 1. But though God graciously assisted me in preparation yet in the time of receiving my heart was flat and dead As soon as the Sacrament was ended I retired to my Chamber to to pray and as I was praying that Scripture was brought to my remembrance Rom. 3. 3 4. shall their unbelief make the Faith of God of none effect God forbid I argued thence that the sins of my holy things my deadness and want of holy and due affections in time of receiving should not make void what God had promised in and by this ordinance but that the Cup was to me the Communion of the blood of Christ and the New Testament in his blood and the Bred the Communion of the body of Christ This did strengthen my faith to depend upon God for the benefits signified and sealed by that Ordinance notwithstanding the indisposition of my heart in the time of receiving Sept. 29. As I was musing on that rich promise made to Abraham Gen. 15. 1. Fear not Abraham I am thy shield and thy exceeding great reward Which is sufficient to bear up the Soul under the fear and danger of any Evil and against the loss and want of any good things I considered what warrant I had to apply that promise and presently that Scripture was hinted to me Gal. 3. 9. They which be of faith are blessed with faithful Abraham I was strengthened and Comforted by it Twice in this weak I observed that Setting upon worldly business which called hastily upon me before I had been at closet prayer and performed my usual meditations on the Covenant and promises of God my heart grew out of frame and unsavory and I was Successless on both days Oct. 1. Sabbath day At my Entrance on my morning meditation on Gods Covenant I had a great combate in my Spirit about my laying claim to God as my God having been lately foiled by my sins but God helped me and shewed me out of his word that I might and ought to keep my hold of God as my God Notwithstanding my often backslidings from him Jer. 3. 1 5 7 8. yet v. 19. saith God Thou shalt call me my Father Hos 2. 5. with 16. The same evening considering how often and greatly I had sinned and yet had been forgiven I pondered on that Scripture Luke 7 47. and saw that I had cause to love the Lord much because I had much forgiven and Considering how I should shew my Love to God and that much these Scriptures were hinted to me Ps 40. 16. Let such as love thy name say Continually let the Lord be Magnified Ps 97. 10. Ye that Love the Lord hate evil Joh. 14. 10. If ye Love me keep my Commandments Joh. 21. 15. Simon lovest thou me feed my sheep feed my Lambs Lord help me thus to shew much love to thee Oct. 8. Having been overtaken with the sin which easily besets me and hath often foiled me My Spirit fell and my faith flagg'd and I could not look upon God with any boldness was indisposed to prayer Yet in time of prayer God magnified his free grace to me and revived my Souls with that word 1 Joh. 2. 1 2. If any man sin we have an Advocate c. After I had ended my Supplications I pondered on that Scripture and was comforted against the sense of my sin by the Advocateship of Jesus Christ who pleadeth his propitiatory Sacrifice as a Satisfaction to his Fathers justice for the sins of believers as oft as they fall into them and querying with my self whether he would be an Advocate to me to plead for me I was satisfied from that word Joh. 6. 37. him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out I was also further encouraged from Heb. 7. 25. I considered that the Intercession of Christ answered all charges and accusations that could be brought against those for whom he interceded Rom. 8. 33. 34. and that the Intercession of Christ kept us â—o firmly in the love of God that nothing could be able to separate us from it Rom. 8. 34. 35 38 39. I considered further that the persons for whom he interceded were such as came to God by him and that he interceded for them at all times when they are fallen as well as when they stand when they are dead as well as when in a lively frame for He ever liveth to make intercession After these meditations my Spirit revived and notwithstanding I was before bowed down under the sense of guilt I went with boldness to God leaning upon the merits and Intercession of Jesus Christ Oct. 13. My Spirit being bowed down with the sense of guilt because I was foiled by a Sin against which I had prayed many years I was revived in reading in my course 2 Cor. 12. 7 8 9. Whence I observed 1 st God seeth it needful for some of his Servants to meet with buffeting 2 ly When God le ts loose any corruption a thorn in the flesh or a temptation a messenger of Satan to buffet us It is to keep us humble and from being exalted 3 ly God suffers his faithful Servants sometimes to pray long against corruption or temptation and yet cannot get it removed 4 ly Though my strength was not
deafness to his voice 2. To put us upon more earnest seeking of him 3. To exercise and try our graces God proportions mercies according to his delays they are the greater when given in Sarah tarried long for a Son and then had an Isaac So did Hanna but then had a Samuel So Elizabeth but then had a John my heart rejoyced at this hoping that God would give an high degree of brokenness of heart in his own due time though at present my heart were hard And I remembred how hard Mr. Bradfords heart was once as to his own sense and how eminent he was afterward for tenderness as M. Fox Relates God was very good this day But Oh! how vile and sinful was I I felt a very proud vain-glorious heart both in hearing and after Sermon was done But the Lord chastised me for it For at night when I Preached in the Chappel the Lord forsook me I found no assistance of his Spirit either in Prayer or Preaching but was much confounded in both having little or no sense of the things I spake of or prayed for We read of Naaman 2 King 5. 11. that he expected a Miraculous way of cure I thought said he he will surely come out and stand and call on the Name of the Lord his God and strike his hand over the place and recover the Leper So have I found my self apt to expect that the Spirit of God should mortifie and subdue sin in me without my striving against it But I have learned it is the will of God that I should strive against sin as well as pray and wait for his Spirit Gods working in us to will and to do excludes not our endeavouring Phil. 2. 12 13. Having promises let us cleanse our selves 2 Cor. 7. 1. Octob. 17. I was immoderate in the use of the Creatures and though checked and reproved from within yet I persisted At night when I walked in my Chamber considering what I had done I was sad and said to God Lord I have Rebelled against thee I had no sooner said it in my heart but immediately that word was brought to me Dan. 9. 9. To the Lord our God belong mercies and forgivenesses he will forgive again and again though we have Rebelled against him O the wonderful goodness of God! be amazed O my Soul at this Love Now I saw the promise Isa 65. 24. before they call I will answer and whilst they are yet speaking I will hear made good to me In the evening on my Bed considering on this Love of God whence it should come to pass that the Lord should deal thus graciously with me it was answered me from Mic. 7. 18. He passeth by the transgression of the remnant of his heritage because he delighteth in mercy Next morning at my first awaking the Spirit of God brought that Scripture into my thoughts Ps 65. 3. Iniquities prevail against me as for our trangressions thou shalt purge them away It came to me with some life and power and was very sutable to my Condition Oh the Goodness of God! the Riches of his Grace that he should so soon come into my relief and raise my Soul by his promise this is mercy never to be forgotten Sept. 28. In meditation I found the Lord drawing forth my heart to close with Christ I was convinced that God was willing to bestow his Son upon me because he did not only invite me Isa 55. 1. and Command me 1 Joh. 3. 23. but even beseech and entreat me to receive Christ 2 Cor. 5. 20. I was further convinced of Gods real intention and willingness to give me his Son from his patient waiting and long-suffering in expecting my return even after much deafness to the voice of his Spirit and dallying with his Grace he still offers his Son to me yea he presseth in upon me with the renewing of good motions and affections which I have quenched Now whence is all this but from the Love and mercy of God that he should be thus willing to have me take his Son Now who am I that I should withstand God Why should I forsake my own Mercies Lord thou hast shewn me that my former revoltings shall not hinder this thy mercy if I will acknowledge my sin renounce my self return unto thee and embrace thy Son Jer. 3. 12 13. O Lord I thankfully accept thy offer of Grace I come unto thee Oh give me thy Son behold I give thee my self Let me be Espoused to the Lord Jesus I am willing through grace to take up my Cross to deny my self and to follow thee Nov. 1. Having set apart that day to seek the Lord and to humble my Soul before him I could not get my heart to be afflicted and mourn under sin but found much lightness in Prayer the Lord hid his face and did not come in to my poor Soul with his quickning presence So that I lay in a poor desolate forsaken condition under much confusion yet in the evening a little before going to bed seeking the Lord again I was revived in reading Psal 40. especially v. 17. I am poor and needy yet the Lord thinketh upon me c. and next morning in reading Psal 9. 10. 18. Thou Lord hast not forsaken them that seek thee The needy shall not alway be forgotten the expectation of the poor shall not perish for ever I was thereby encouraged still to wait and hope O Lord I have sought thee withhold not thou thy tender Mercies from me How long wilt thou hide thy face from me O when wilt thou come unto me Make hast to help me O my God I am poor and needy O let me not be forgotten for ever let not my expectation perish for ever and now O Lord what is my expectation It is even this the giving in of mercy and grace through the Lord Jesus pardoning mercy and renewing grace It is the pouring out of thy Spirit the taking away the heart of Stone and giving an heart of flesh it is an heart to know thee to fear thee to love thee and obey thee c. Dec. 6. Being in trouble and distress of Spirit because the Lord hid his face and withdrew himself from me I went in the poverty of my Spirit to Trinity Lecture and with some expectation to meet with God in his own Ordinance The Lord was gracious to me and spake Comfort to me from his Word I see it is good to wait upon God though he send the Rich empty away yet he filleth the hungry with good things My Soul was glad and rejoyced for a season But going into the Country the same day among friends and variety of worldly Affairs I lost something of the savour and relish which the good Word of God left upon me And I found palpably my Soul resting in those Comforts which I had received and growing secure and careless from whence the Lord gave me this Instruction That I am a poor silly wretch knowing neither how
unto punishment He is overcome whose armour is taken from him wherein he trusted Luk. 11. 22. Thus it is with Death Where Sin hath no dominion Death hath none for Death reigneth by Sin Now as for the sins of believers God to whom belongeth the forgiveness of sins saith Isa 44. 22. I have blotted out as a thick cloud thy transgresons and as a cloud thy sins Jer. 31. 34. I will forgive their iniquity and I will remember their sin no more Numb 23. 21. He hath not beheld iniquity in Jacob neither hath he seen perversness in Israel Mic. 7. 18 19. Who is a God like unto thee that pardoneth iniquity and passeth by the transgression of the remnant of his heritage Thou wilt Cast all their sins into the depths of the Sea Act. 10. 43. whosoever believeth in him shall receive remission of Sins What God said to repenting and believing David that he saieth to all believers 2 Sam. 12. 13. The Lord hath put away your sin ye shall not die Ye shall not die by the venemous sting of Death This indeed is in effect the whole victory over death This is the fatal mortal wound given to Death and will in time be the very Death of Death and therefore the Apostle triumpheth over it on that account vers 55. O Death where is thy sting What Luther sometimes said to God that may every Believer say to Death Feri Domine said he Strike Lord. Feri mors feri may they say Nam a peccatis absolutus sum Strike Death strike for my sins are pardoned Thou mayest kill me but thou canst not hurt me 2. Death is overcome to Believers in that it cannot amaze them with despairing terrors However it be to others it is not to them the King of Terrors Believers are freed from the bondage of the tormenting fear of Death Heb. â— 15. Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death saith David Psal 23. 4. I will fear no evil Elijah makes request for himself that he might die 1 King 19. 4. The three Children valiantly yielded their bodies to the fiery fornace Dan. 3. 16. 28. Lord now lettest thou thy Servant depart in peace saith good old Simeon Luk. 2. 29. Paul and Barnabas willingly hazarded their lives Act. 15. 16. Paul had a desire to be dissolved Phil. 1. 23. Those worthies Heb. 11. 35. would not accept deliverance The Primitive Martyrs would hasten to the stake Such Victory had they gotten of the fear of Death The grant of their Pardon and their discharge from Condemnation which God hath Sealed to them The peace of a good Conscience which they carry about with them Their apprehensions that their bodies are the Temples of the Holy Ghost which he will never desert or neglect Their assurance of the faithfulness and power of God into whose hands they commend their Spirit The fore-tasts of the sweetness of Communion with God and Jesus Christ to be fully enjoyed in the other world Their faith and hope of a blessed Resurrection to Immortality Their Evidences for Heaven These are powerful Arguments which they improve against the fear of Death and by the strength whereof they Triumph over it Object But for all this Are not Believers afraid to die Was not Abraham afraid when he thought he should be slain Gen. 20. 11. Did not David complain The terrors of death are fallen from me Ps 55. 4. Did not Hezekiah weep sore when it was said to him Thou shalt die Isa 38. 1. And who almost is not afraid Answ 1. There is a Natural fear of death as it is the dissolution of the Compositum a separation of Soul and Body which are so intimately united which is not sinful Believers are not free from this Grace doth not destroy Nature Nature will be Nature and act its part even in the best of Saints They who have the surest hope of Eternal life and clearest Evidences of their Salvation yea and have an unfained longing and desire after the Heavenly state have yet a natural aversness unto Death and do rather endure than desire it St. Paul saith for himself and other Believers that though they knew that if their Earthly house of this Tabernacle were dissolved they had a building of God an house not made with hands eternal in the Heavens and groaned earnestly desiring to be clothed upon with their house which is from Heaven yet they had a natural Love of life and abhorrence of death and their groaning was not that they would be unclothed 2 Cor. 5. 1 2 4. yea our Lord Jesus Christ himself in whom was no sin being found in fashion as a man when he humbled himself and became obedient unto death experienced this fear as the proper expression of his humane Nature When his hour was come Mar. 14. 33 34. He taketh with him Peter and James and John and began to be sore amazed and to be very heavy and saith my Soul is exceeding sorrowful unto death 2. There is a slavish inordinate sinful fear of death which Believers overcome and from which they are freed It was one end of Christs death that he might deliver his redeemed from fear of death to which they were holden in bondage Heb. 2. 15. To which yet some Believers are subject yea it may be All at sometimes more or less This ariseth from weakness of Faith from want of assurance from Conscience of lapses and contracted guilt from neglecting to search their own hearts from misapprehending and mis-judging their Spiritual state from inordinate love to this life and world c. for which they must blame themselves Believers as such so far as they are Believers are victorious Did they walk close with God improve grace received examine their own state wisely and judge thereof rightly Did they take hold of the Covenant of God live by Faith meditate on the Promises and apply them as their Portion which becometh Believers they might and would get above the slavish fears of Death In this method they might be ready to die and fear no evil When the Christian can say with David Psal 23. The Lord is my Shepherd he maketh me to lie down in green pastures he leadeth me besides the still waters he restoreth my Soul he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness He will then add also Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil 3. There is a despairing fear The presumptions of Hell the pre-occupation of Torment the fore-tasts of the wrath of the Almighty the scorchings of the Lake that burneth with fire and Brimstone that driveth the sinner past all hope and overwhelms the Soul in hideous darkness and horrible Confusions Have there not been instances of some wretched guilty Souls going out of the body as the Devil out of the Demoniack Mar. 9. renting and taring and wallowing and foming and raging and roaring again And were it not for the Atheism ignorance infidelity blindness hardness searedness flattery
being so suited to some reasonings and doubts that I had upon my mind and coming so seasonably at my first fixing at Chattisham I was much affected with it and looked upon it as a token for good that I should have Gods presence with me and the teachings of his Spirit at Chattisham as I have had them at Colchester The encouragement which he thus took was not vain and empty God remembred his word unto his Servant wherein he had caused him to hope For he not only enclined the hearts of the people among whom he lived though strangers to him to pay him that Respect and Honour which was due to him and indulged him the liberty of private Preaching as he had before enjoyed but moreover opened to him in this place a door for the frequent publick exercise of his Ministry which was shut against him at Colchester The Minister of the Parish having another cure by reason whereof he could attend this at Chattisham but once a fortnight did in his absence not only willingly but thankfully indulge to Mr. Stockton the liberty of his Pulpit And having a very small maintenance and some burdens lying heavy upon him which after a few years made his residence there very uneasie to him he deserted his charge and left this flock to shift for themselves Whereupon at the request of the people Mr. Stockton frequently supplyed that vacancy And his Zeal provoked and encouraged others also both Ministers and People For other neighbouring Parishes being destitute of Ministers for want of maintenance called in the help of Non-Conformists who in these places so much below envye have enjoyed the liberty of their publick Preaching for the most part to this day So as not only the Parish where he lived but the neighbouring Vllages have abundant cause to bless God for sending to them so happy an Instrument so willing and Zealous so able and industrious to serve their Souls in the Gospel of Christ When it pleased his Majesty to set forth his most Gracious Declaration for Indulgence he was chosen both by a Congregation in Ipswhich and another in Colchester to preach to them And both being very desirous of him he complied with their desires as far as he could and undertook half the Service of either and so with others divided his labours between them during his life to their great Satisfaction and edification His labours were abundant His Ministry was his whole business Besides his Lords days service wherein he not only preached twice but oft expounded the Scriptures and Catechised the younger sort and many times discoursed particular Christians that applyed themselves to him for Counsel and instruction about their Spiritual cases He moreover preached a Lecture at Ipswich on the weekday once a fort-night and scarce a week passed but he preached at some other Lecture or funeral besides keeping of private fasts which he frequently practised both at home and abroad The providence of God over him while he was thus Zealously and constantly imployed in his work in so many places was so remarkable that it must not be passed over without special observation Notwithstanding the Severity of the Laws the malice watchfulness and endeavours of Adversaries yet God Suffered not an hair to fall from his head though Complaints Informations Indictments Convictions Warrant Presentments Excommunications were made against him yet was he never imprisoned apprehended distrained or brought before any Court or Magistrate He was much affected with this care of God over him and thankfully accepted and recorded it as the instance of Gods faithfulness and performance of his promise as the answer of his own faith and Prayer and as the reward of his love and Zeal and courage for God and his Church by the power whereof he lived above fears and dangers for thus he writes Apr. 16. 1655. Being Lords day In the morning I awaked with that Scripture in my thoughts 1 Tim. 1. 15. I dwelt a while upon it and drew comfort and relief for my faith by the help of God I had been before under a great sense of the sinfulness of my heart The comfort I had was that Christ came to save the chief of Sinners that this was a faithful saying that it was worthy all acceptation or to be embraced by every one and that this Salvation was from sin as well as from hell Math. 1. 21. Considering whether he would save me as I was going to wash in the morning I was satisfied from Joh. 6. 37. Him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out It being then a time of danger as to the keeping of my Meetings because many Souldiers were in Town I being dubious whether I should admit the people to come to my house when I considered that Christ took it as an act of Love to feed his sheep Joh. 21. 15. and that he exposed himself to Death to save me and bring under a sense of the Comfort that the Lord had given me in the morning in my Meditations on the 1 Tim. 1. 15. I was willing to adventure my self on the Providence of God Sept. 19. As I was Expounding in my Family the 91 Psalm on a day of Humiliation I was much encouraged to go on in my Calling notwithstanding the difficulties that attend the same by reason of many Adversaries from v. 11 12 13. Though the Adversaries to private Meetings and the Preaching of Non-Conformists be of several sorts as strong as Lions as full of venom as the Dragon such as are greedy of and roar after the prey like the young Lion as subtle and pertinacious and obstinate in their way as the Adder of which see Ps 58. 4 5. yet the Angels have a charge to keep us in all our ways and the promise is that we shall trample these under our feet This promise gave me courage whilst at Colchester and I saw it made good for I went on in my Calling and had no harm from them I observed also in reading Dan. 6. 23. the power of Faith to deliver out of great and imminent danger Daniel is cast into a Den of hungry Lions yet no manner of hurt is found upon him because he believed in his God Sept. 22. In my Family exercise as I was reading Ps 146. 9. The Lord preserveth the Strangers my Faith received strength I enjoyed much peace and security in Colchester I had met with no molestation either from the Town or County but being come into a strange place where I was not known and had no friends to shelter or speak for me I apprehended my self to walk in more danger than before this word The Lord preserveth the Strangers did help my dependance upon God Oct. 28 1666. Being Sabbath day I went forth to Preach at Manitree In the morning before I went the Lord gave in that promise Isa 55. 12. Ye shall be led forth with peace It being a time of trouble and danger for Non-conformists to Preach publickly the promise was the
more precious and I was encouraged to go on with confidence And I determined to eye this promise for the future when I should go forth where I might probably meet with disturbance Dec. 25. 65. As I was reading in my course Luke 6. I observed from v. 11 12. from Christs practice who in those days when his Enemies were filled with madness against him and Communed one with another what they might do unto him went out into a Mountain to pray and continued all night in prayer to God I observed I say hence that it was my duty to give my self much unto prayer at such times as I had any Enemies that laid wait for me to do me hurt Within a day or two after one of the Constables came to me and told me that his fellow Constable when he had drunk somewhat liberally opened his heart to him and told him that there had been some Communication between him and one of the Deputy Lieutenants about presenting me at the Sessions and about my Meetings I thought upon that place in Luke 6. 11 12. after he was gone and went up into my Chamber to pray And as I was meditating on this matter that Scripture Deut. 33. 12. was brought to my remembrance The beloved of the Lord shall dwell in safety by him c. I was strengthened in my adherence to this promise because God had lately made out his love to my Soul as I was pleading this promise in prayer that passage was set home He shall cover thee all the day long Whence I did hope that the Lord who had helped me hitherto would still cover me under the shadow of his wings After I had been at prayer I considered Jacobs carriage when he was in danger of suffering by his brother Esau After he had been wrestling with God in prayer and pleading the promise he betook himselfto the use of the most probable means for appeasing Esau I also used the most probable means to prevent trouble at the ensuing Sessions and it pleased God so to order things at the Sessions that I met with no trouble Blessed be God who alone maketh me to dwell in safety Jun. 22. As I was exercising in my Family in the Afternoon several of my friends being with me I had word sent me that the Mayor and Justices would come down to my house whereupon being near the end of my Exercise I quickly concluded After I had done and dismissed the people one of the Constables came to me and told me he was sent to dissolve my Meeting but had a trembling upon him when he spake to me He added that he blessed God that had given him an heart to come some times himself and his Wife to my Meetings so that instead of doing me any hurt he gave glory to God that inclined him to come to hear me In Octob. 1670. I was presented in the Ecclesiastical Court for Preaching But God stood by me and encouraged me with that word Ps 103. 31. And though my Adversaries proceeded so far as to get out an Excommunication against me yet the Lord raised up deliverance for me that the Court took off my Excommunication without appearing before them or paying any Fees Yea so far was he from declining the exercise of his Ministry for fear of suffering that when he had been persuaded thereto by the importunity of friends he was much dissatisfied concerning which thus he records I promised Mr. B. to Preach at White Colne on Octob. 23. accordingly on Saturday I was prepared to go H. P. came in and told us that the Soldiers had seized Mr. B. and imprisoned him and that it would not be safe for me to go at that season all my friends and Relations dissuaded me but notwithstanding my mind stood to go But being importuned to stay and having been very lately sought after by name by the Soldiers in those parts and weighing the Providence in sending H. P. to my house with this Intelligence as I was about to take Horse I determined to cast my self on my Brother Cole's determination who was then at my house and he determining that I should not go I stayed at home But that night and the next day I was under much despondency of Spirit for missing such an opportunity of Service yet God was gracious to me and revived me It was some stay to my mind what I read Mat. 16. 20. Where I observed that the divulging of the most necessary truths was at some seasons and in some places prohibited by Jesus Christ I was further satisfied from Act. 16. 6 7. whence I observed that the frustrating of our Attempts and designs to Preach the Gospel to particular places that we purposed to go to did sometimes arise from the Holy Ghost And from Psal 52. 9. I had a damp upon my Spirit and was hindred from praising God for my deliverance from my Enemies hands because I had missed an opportunity of Service But this Scripture convinced me that I ought to praise God for this Providence though attended with some afflicting Circumstances By these Scriptures and Prayer I obtained satisfaction and the Lord Answered my desire and fully quieted my mind Once a very zealous and active Prosecutor of the Non-conformists obtained a Warrant against him upon the Oxford Act directed to all the Chief Constables and petty-Constables in the County to apprehend him Accordingly an Officer a stranger came to Execute it and when he was nigh the house he espied two persons whom by their habit he judged to be Ministers walking in a field the one was Mr. Stockton the other Mr. Senior of Hackney whom God hath also lately taken away He hasteneth to them and told them he had a Warrant against one of them but he knew neither Mr. Senior asked which of them He Answered Mr. Stockton Let me see your Warrant said Mr. Senior he shewed it him verily concluding from thence that he was the man Some Little Girls were there walking with them who did industriously cling to Mr. Senior as if he had been their Father which further confirmed him in his Error While Mr. Senior read the Warrant and the Officer was intent upon him Mr. Stockton walked aside and when Mr. Senior saw him beyond his reach he convinced the Officer of his Error who thereby was disappointed of his prey Being thus secured by the Providence of God through Faith and Prayer from the danger of Adversaries he thankfully acknowledged the whole glory thereof to God thus In reading 2 Chron. 20. 30. The Realm of Jehoshaphat was quiet for his God gave him rest round about God caused me to take notice that my living in rest and quietness being free from the molestation of my Enemies was the gift of God and came to pass by his Providence not from the privacy of the place where I lived or from the peaceable disposition of my Neighbours I was also instructed what I should return unto the Lord for keeping me from the
my Spirit from those words of the Prophet Isa 40. 27. Why sayest thou O Jacob and speakest O Israel my way is hid from the Lord and my judgment is passed over from my God And did encourage my Soul still to hope in God and wait for his strength from the following words v. 28 29. 31. Hast thou not known hast thou not heard if thou hast not known it by experience having found his everlasting Arms under thee for thy support yet hast thou not at least heard it that the everlasting God the Lord the Creator of the ends of the Earth fainteth not neither is weary He giveth power to the faint c. Continue thou therefore O my Soul to wait upon the Lord. Lord what an accursed hard heart have I that sin which grieves thee Gen. 6. 6. thy Son Mar. 3. 5. thy Spirit Eph. 4. 30. should not grieve me that sin which wearieth thee Isa 43. 24. should not be a burden to me that I should not be troubled for want of thy Presence when as the hiding of thy face made our Saviour cry out My God my God why hast thou forsaken me That Eternity and Judgment to come should make no impression upon me that I can hear yea speak of thy Word thy wrath c. and yet not fear thee not tremble at thy Word nor at this my Condition Feb. 19. Being Sabbath day Having formerly perceived a desperate hardness in my heart that that Word which works upon others should do me no good that no means no mercies did melt my Soul and almost despairing of ever having it softened After Prayer I was encouraged from the Lord in reading Mr. Hooker upon Act. 2. 37. who from those words When they heard these things they who had Crucified our Lord Christ were pricked at the heart raiseth this observation It is possible even for the most stubborn sinner to get a broken heart And now O my Soul Why art thou cast down Is not the Lord greater than thy heart Can Satan be more malicious to destroy thee than the Lord is merciful to save thee Yet the actings of my Faith hereupon are but faint Upon Examination of my self I have sometimes found that to mine own sense and feeling I have been altogether void of any love or fear of God and that I have been at such a time as unable to work up my heart into the Love and fear of God as to say to this Mountain Be thou removed and cast into the Sea Such wonderful deadness hath seised upon my Soul so greatly have I been enslaved and held captive by Satan that I have not been able truly to desire the Spirit of God O that my heart could bleed at the remembrance of this great evil that I should not only be cut off from Communion with God but be contented with this condition that I should have no groanings in Spirit to be delivered from this miserable bondage Be instructed hence O my Soul to ascribe every good motion to God if thou feelest any hungrings after Jesus Christ or any sorrow for want of Gods presence or the like own it as his work and bless him for it I have sometimes found my condition much like the man mentioned Joh. 5. who lay a long time by the pool of Bethesda but was not able to put himself in that he might be healed even so it is with my Soul Though God hath opened a Fountain for sin and for uncleanness to wash in and I find my Soul exceedingly polluted yet I am not able to step into this Fountain that I may be healed O my Soul the Lord seeth thy weakness and that thou hast been now a long time in this case wait thou on God Who can tell but that as the Bowels of Jesus Christ did yearn towards the poor man so may his Compassions be great towards thee and he may heal thee also Cease not to importune him saying Jesus thou Son of God have mercy on me O Lord heal my Soul Having at several times found diverse workings upon my heart as Convictions and thereupon some pantings and breathings after God but as yet nothing come to perfection I thought of and found that I had cause to take up the complaint of Hezekiah in another case It is a day of trouble and rebuke the Children are come to the Birth and there is no strength to bring forth Isa 37. 3. Some time after reading Isa 66. it seemed to me that that word v. 9. was suited to my Case Shall I bring to the Birth and not cause to bring forth saith the Lord Shall I cause to bring forth and shut the Womb saith thy God O my Soul wait thou on God who will perfect his own work in thee He hath said He will not break the bruised Reed nor quench the smoking Flax till he sent forth judgment unto Victory I have oftimes seen a Law in my Members warring against the Law of my mind and leading me into Captivity to the Law of sin and death So powerful and mighty have been the Actings of some inward corruptions that I have not been able to overcome them but have been hurried Captive by them Hereby I come to see that truth the heart of man is desperately wicked who can know it I cannot fathom the depth of iniquity which is in my heart Hereupon I am made to cry out with St. Paul O wretched man that I am who shall deliver me from this body of Death O Lord be not thou far from me but make hast to help me Let the sighing of the Prisoner come before thee proclaim liberty to thy Captive and the opening of the Prison door to him that is bound with the Chain of sin Isa 61. 1. Mar. 26. 1654. I find that though in my judgment and Profession I acknowledge Christ to be my Righteousness and Peace yet upon Examination I observe that my heart hath done quite another thing and that secretly I have gone about to Establish my own Righteousness and have derived my Comfort and Peace from my own Actings For when I have been disquieted by the Actings of my sin that which hath recovered me to my former Peace hath not been that I could find God speaking Peace through the blood of Christ but rather from the intermission of temptation and the cessation of those sins when I have been troubled at an evil frame of heart I do not find that the Righteousness of Christ hath been my Consolation but that which hath relieved me as far as I can find was that afterward I found my self in a better temper Having been in trouble and perplexity I have read the Scripture gone to Prayer and in doing these I have been relieved yet I do not find that at such times I had real true living Communion with God in such duties or that the Spirit of God did in those duties reveal to me my interest in Christ and so quiet my Conscience Hence I come to see
strength of Adversaries Jan. 1. 1673. I awaked about four of the Clock in the morning and had many sweet meditations in my Bed for the space of about two hours I then resolved with my self to engage my heart afresh and to renew my Covenant with the Lord the beginning of this New year to be the Lords Servant to serve the Lord and his Son Jesus Christ all the remainder of the days I have to live in this world in such service as he should see meet to employ me The encouragements and inducements that were brought to my mind and drew out my heart willingly and cheerfully to give up my self to the Lord to serve him and his Son Jesus Christ were these 1. His promise of affording his Presence and Assistance to such as are his Servants and to be their God Isa 41. 8 9 10. 2. The great and precious promises made to his Servants Isa 54. per totum Which concludeth thus v. 17. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord. 3. We glorifie God when we serve him Isa 49. 3. Thou art my Servant O Israel in whom I will be glorified 4. God hath done great things for me both for my outward and inward man and the only thing that he requires of me is to serve him in truth and sincerity 1 Sam. 12. 24. 5. All Christs Servants shall assuredly be with him where he is and shall be honoured of the Father Joh. 12. 26. and shall enter into the joy of their Lord. Mat. 25. 21. May 19. 1676. Reading Levit. 22. 3. Whosoever of the Priests in their generations went unto the holy things which the Children of Israel did hallow unto the Lord having his uncleanness upon him that Soul should be cut off from the presence of the Lord And the ensuing Sabbath being Sacrament day I considered with my self 1 st That greater Reverence is due to the Lords Supper than to the holy things under the Law 2 ly Moral uncleanness is greater than Ceremonial 3 ly Therefore I considered how I might go to this Ordinance and Administer it to others without having my uncleanness upon me that is how I might be purged from my uncleanness To that end I determined 1. Humbly to acknowledge confess and bewail the uncleanness of my heart lips and life before the Lord. Isa 6. 5 6 7 8 9. When the Prophet bemoaned his uncleanness the Lord purged it away and sent him to do his Office 2. To go to the fountain set open for sin and for uncleanness Zech. 13. 1. that is to act my faith on the blood of Christ which cleanseth from all sin 1 Joh. 1. 7. 3. To rest upon God by faith for fulfilling his Covenant wherein he hath promised to cleanse me from all my filthiness and to save me from all my uncleanness Ezek. 36. 25 29. Act. 15. 9. 4. To plead earnestly with God to take away all iniquities Hos 14. 2. and to create in me a clean heart Ps 51. 10. and to succeed my prayers with endeavours to put away evil and uncleanness out of my heart and life Isa 1. 16. 18. 2 Cor. 7. 1. These are many of those judicious observations which this holy person made and those spiritual experiences he found and recorded for his own use that he might always have at hand before him the manner and method of Gods dealing with his Soul the workings of Corruption and grace his lapses and recoveries his combates and victories over world sin and Satan his perseverance and progress in holiness the secret intercourse between God and his soul the withdrawings and Returns of the Holy Spirit the faithfulness of Gods Covenant the truth of his word sensibly felt in his heart food for his faith encouragement to walk with God with experimental instruction how to comfort troubled Consciences In which part of the ministry he had a peculiar excellency beyond most part of his Brethren for partly by his diligent searching of the Holy Scripture partly by observing and recording the method of the Holy Ghost towards himself and partly by discoursing with troubled Consciences wherein as he was much exercised so he took much delight he was so acquainted with the various cases of Conscience and so well understood both Case and cure that it may be truly said of him The Lord God had given him the tongue of the learned that he might know how to speak a word in season to the weary On which account he might be sirnamed Barnabas a Son of Consolation It was his usual manner in preaching to foresee and raise such objections as troubled Souls are prone to make against themselves and to solve them with much clearness and satisfaction And many applications of such Souls were made to to him in private as to a Skillful Experienced Spiritual Physitian whose advice God succeeded with his blessing to the encouragement of the faith and hope of many doubting Christians that walked in darkness which are here published not only as Instances and demonstrations of that Spirit of Light and grace that power of Godliness which possessed and governed his heart and life and fitted him to be such a useful instrument for the Service of Christ and his Church on which account his memory is worthily honourable and precious to all good men But especially for the Instruction direction relief support and encouragement of others who are following him though at a great distance in that narrow way which leadeth to that life to which he is arrived They who labour and are heavy laden who are bowed down under the power and weight of their sin wrestling with Corruption and temptation exercised with darkness and doubtings with fears and faintings They who are called to difficult service which require much labour and diligence and self-denial and may expose them to the hazard and danger of this evil world may hence take Counsel and encouragement while they read the sense and workings of their own hearts in the experiences the method and practicablenesse of their duty in the example of this Eminent Saint We have hitherto seen somethings of his Conscience of Sin and duty his industry and zeal for the Service and glory of God his combates with the flesh and Satan his Love to Christ and his Church his Spirituality in Religion His longings and breathings after God His remembring God upon his bed and meditating on him in the night watches his wise improvement of the Holy Scriptures his due fulfilling of all Relations his Holy manner of Living to God From whence we may rationally conclude that surely he gave this diligence unto the full assurance of hope that he tasted the Consolation of God and received the earnest of Glory that he walked upon the top of Pisgah in the light of Gods countenance and in the sight of the Heavenly Canaan Which priviledge indeed the God of peace and comfort did not deny him He was a man as of much grace so of much peace an instance of that
the Covenant for he promiseth to make an Everlasting Covenant with such as come to him Isa 55. 3. 2. My engaging my heart to approach to God Jer. 30. 21 22. 3. My being one of Gods Servants as before Isa 41. 9 10 Thou art my Servant I am thy God 4. The Law of God in my heart and my delight to do the will of God Jer. 31. 33. Ps 40. 8. 5. My fear of God Jer. 32. 38 39 40. which fear is discerned by eschewing and departing from evil Job 1. 1. Prov. 16. 6. 6. My choosing the Lord for my God Ps 16. 2. and voluntary giving up my self to him to obey his voice and keep his ways Deut. 26. 17 18 19. Jer. 7. 23. 7. My willingness to leave earthly Enjoyments at the call of God setting loose to the world looking upon my self as a Stranger and Pilgrim on the Earth and preferring and seeking Heavenly things above Earthly For God is not ashamed to be called their God that are and do thus 11. 13 14 15. 16. Hence I infer for my Comfort 1. Gods Audience of my Prayers Mic. 7. 7. 2. Gods presence with me in all Conditions Isa 43. 1 2 3. 3. A supply of all my wants Ps 23. 1. 4. Strength and Assistance to all Services or Sufferings Isa 41. 10. 5. He will be my God and Guide for ever Ps 48. 14. 6. He will Pardon my sins and not forsake and cast me off Mic. 7. 17 18 19. 1 Sam. 12. 20 22. Jer. 51. 5. And I Charge it on my self as my Duty 1. To walk humbly with God Mic. 6. 8. 2. To seek him early Ps 63. 1. 3. To praise and exalt him Ps 116. 28. 4. To Love him above all with all my heart Deut. 6. 5. 5. To turn to him when ever I shall depart from him Hos 12. 6. 6. To trust in him continually for all things Psal 18. 2 91. 2. Yea in times of greatest danger distress and fear Psal 31. 13 14. Ps 42. 11. 1 Sam. 30. 4. 6. Evidences of Gods Love to my Soul 1. His drawing of me to Christ Jer 31. 3. Whom God drawes he Loveth with an everlasting Love Now I find that God hath drawn me because my Soul is come to Christ and goeth dayly to him and no man can come to Christ except the Father draw him Joh. 6. 44. 2. His giving me Faith He loveth those that through the Word believe in his Son even as he loveth his own Son Joh. 17. 20. 23. 3. God Loveth those that Love him and that Love his Son Jesus Christ Prov. 8. 17. 1 Joh. 4. 19. Joh. 14. 21. 16. 27. I find that God hath given me an heart to Love him and his Son Jesus Christ 4. A Principle of Spiritual life infused into my Soul whereby I live to God is an Evidence of Gods Love to me Ezek. 16. 6. 8 Eph. 2. 4 5. 5. God Loveth not only the Righteous Ps 146. 8. but such also as follow after Righteousness Prov. 15. 9. which through grace I find he hath caused me to do My Comfort in this is that this is an everlasting Love Jer. 31. 3. Joh. 13. 1. Nothing shall separate me from it Rom. 8. 38 39. No not my Sins Ps 89. 30 31 32 33 34. Though the Mountains and hills depart his loving-kindness shall not depart Isa 54. 10. Admire and Adore this Love Oh my Soul 1 Joh. 3 1. Evidences of Gods accepting my Person and Services This enquiry is necessary 1 st Because both work and Person must come to judgment 2 Cor. 5. 9 10. 2 ly Though it be a mercy to have our Service accepted of the Saints Rom. 15. 30 31. Yet the main thing we should labour for is to be approved of God 2 Tim. 2. 15. For the approbation of men without the acceptation of God is little worth 2 Cor. 10. ult Evidence 1. Isa 56. 6 7. There the Lord promiseth to accept their Burnt-Offerings and Sacrifices upon his Altar that is all their Services which they perform in Christs Name who is called an Altar Heb. 13. 10. and who was Typified by the Altar under the Mosaical Law who joyn themselves to the Lord to Love and serve him and keep his Sabbath and take hold of his Covenant Even to every such Person he promiseth acceptation of their Services signified by Burnt-Offerings and Sacrifices Now blessed be God he hath enabled me by grace in some measure thus to do 2. Rom. 14. 18. He that in these things serveth Christ is acceptable to God In these things i. e. in Righteousness Peace and joy mentioned v. 17. Here I see that when in obedience to Christs Command and in discharge of the work and Calling I have been called to by Christ I endeavour by Preaching Writing Conference private Instruction to beget or promote Righteousness Peace or joy in the Holy Ghost I am accepted of God 3. Act. 10. 35. In every Nation he that feareth God and worketh righteousness is accepted of him We then work righteousness when we work that which God commands us Ps 119. 172. All thy Commandments are righteousness This I endeavour 4. Gen. 4. 7. If thou doest well shalt thou not be accepted Then we do well when we serve the Lord faithfully Mat. 25. 23. and when we shew Love to our Neighbour Jam. 2. 8. whereof I have the Testimony of my Conscience Evidences of Eternal Life God hath out of his free grace blessed be his Name given me good hope of Eternal Life from these Scriptures 1. Joh. 3. 16. Whosoever believeth in Christ shall not perish but have everlasting life This promise hath oft refreshed and satisfied my Soul when I have been Communing with my own heart about the grounds of my hope of Eternal Life For I find that God hath given me an heart to believe in Christ and the promise is Whosoever believeth without any exception of the greatness frequency or long continuance of our sins when I have been unable to work the works of God I have found an heart to believe 2. 2 Sam. 23. 5. Although my house be not so with God yet God hath made with me an everlasting Covenant ordered in all things and sure for this is all my Salvation and all my desire although he make it not to grow Here I observed 1 st That being in Covenant with God is a sufficient ground to hope for Salvation This is all my Salvation he hath made with me an everlasting Covenant 2 ly The sinful infirmities and miscarriages of the Servants of God should not discourage them from hoping in God for Eternal Salvation by vertue of his Covenant David had been guilty of several miscarriages besides his great failing in the matter of Uriah as unbelief 1 Sam. 27. 1. dissimulation and lying to Achish v. 10. Unkind if not unjust dealing with Mephihosheth in giving away half his Estate upon a false Accusation of Ziba 2 Sam. 19. 27 28 29. c. Yet in a dying hour he