pray heav'n no Storm happen hereafter for I must venture to go and part 'em though I find it will be diâ—…icult Call within Livia my Dear Hark! 't is my Lady Lofty's voice But I must beg her pardon now I 'm engag'd Exit Enter Gratiana and Wilding Grat. Livia Livia where are you Wild. An ill-natur'd beauty deserves to want company who is' t you seek Grat. 'T is my misfortune to find one I don't seek always Wild. Your notion is as treacherous as your humour you would find me I know you are in love with me Grat. Obliging Vanity for what I pray Wild. My Person my Humour Language and Wit all which you have the vanity to believe you can best judg of Grat. Yes so well judg to know your deficiency in either of these I thank my Stars Wild. Can you disprove me Grat. Yes Wild. Do. Grat. First for your Person then Wild. Come what of that Grat. Heav'n keep me from prophaning it 't is a lend foppish censorious noisy person a meer piece of puff-past a flesh-bag that carries God a'mighty's fool to the Worlds great Mart there sells him to the Devil by Inch of Candle for a Suburo Whore and a Bottle of Champaign Wild. So my Language Grat. 'T is more barbarous than Dutch your words are creeping the very Reptils of Language and one would guess your Tutor was a Waterman Wild. Very well My Wit Grat. Premeditation only you are like a narrow-neck'd Bottle hastily turn'd downwards upon surprize one can get nothing out of you You Sir amongst all men should love Plays and pay double when you go for 't was a Comedy and not a Colledge that set you up for a Wit Wild. Excellent Gad she has put me into a sweat If abusive railing may pass for Wit Madam I confess you have shewn some now Grat. What! and to one I 'm in love withall Consider Sir Wild. Nay do you consider Madam you that are the very Mint of falshood in whose face treachery and smiles are promiscuously joyn'd to cheat the adventurous fool that comes to barter You are Grat. You are Wild. Nay Gad now you shall hear what you are if I have a heart to speak it Aside You are one that nature doggedly design'd a plague to vex mankind have at you in Verse y' faith Your Virtue which as little has Of Beauty as your face Was giv'n not as a blessing but a guide For men to see your vanity and pride Had you bin perfect as just heav'n Decreed with care you should not be I blush to think how your Disdain would feed upon mortality But since you are not good nor kind nor wise whence can this pride arise That makes best graces seem Deformities Grat. So these I dare swear Sir are the fruits of your own Muse by their little wit and much ill nature and I vow I am so ill at Rhiming that I have only one poor Couplet to return by way of Answer Y' are Pleasure's slave whose heart wild passions rule To fools a Wit but the witty Womans fool Wild. 'Sdeath I can hold out no longer If so many graces appear when she 's angry what must she be when pleas'd Grat. Come Sir your Repartee what are you grown dull o' th' suddain Wild. I see then Madam you 'l never have done Come speak on Grat. I take no pride in speaking of this subject Wild. That you glory to affront our Sex I have prov'd by my self Grat. When you glory to begin Discourses of this nature 't is rather you that give the affront Wild. Meer design upon my soul on my side and only to try your humour and wit why should we differ thus Madam and waste those hours in tedious and unpleasant wranglings that should be spent in the contrary extreme kind wit obliging looks and tender notions Grat. And would you kill your Darling Satyr then Satyr your bosom-friend and if you are to speak to a Woman the very key of your Eloquence and soul of your Wit and Fancy Wild. Madam this Satyr you speak of is a Cupid bless'd sweet and charming you saw it only in Disguise which now pull'd off the God himself appears kind beautiful and young to glad my heart with love and tender passion Grat. Love of what in the name of Virtue Wild. Of you Heav'n be prais'd 't is out at last Aside Grat. Of me Ha ha ha I swear you 'r a fool then Wild. I am so who can help it yet still I must love on Grat. Swear Wild. By this dear hand Kneels Grat. Agen. Wild. These dazling lovely eyes that pretty powting lip that Angels face and Wit more sacred I do so help me Love and so may I thrive and prosper Grat. You have brought your self into a fine condition Wild. The happiest and most sacred of my life Loves intire self is here my Heart 's his Pallace and every artery and vein about me is full of Love nothing but Love Does not the sympathetick power Charm you Do you not feel him Madam Grat. A little Wild. It will be more e're long the Deity is now just blowing up the Coles that are to Thaw that proud hard frozen heart I know it will be mine Come banish Madam the Virgins pride and coyness and let the Goddess like her self appear Say then you love you will say instantly for every word against it carries Fate Grat. Well Sir to save your life I will but Wild. Ah dear charming heav'nly creature Embraces her eagerly Grat. Nay hear me out for it concerns you nearly besure you are constant I say be sure you are for I am monstrous passionate and extremely jealous and hate a Rival ev'n to Death and Hell take heed to oblige in this and then Wild. Is there a pleasure like Content in Love No 't is impossible The Warriour seeks the paths where Honour trod The Miser courts the wealthy dazling God But th' Lover still the greatest joy doth know By Beauty bless'd gains Paradise below Exeunt ACT. V. Enter Wilding and Benedick Bened. THis comes of Railing Tom Did I not prognosticate the result of this business have I not hourly cultivated thee with that old phrase Amantium irae Amoris and art thou snapt at last Ha ha ha Wild. You are merry Sir but he that laughs when there is no Jest is like one that has a damn'd serious face but no business 't is equally ridiculous Bened. Ha ha ha to rail one self into a passion is the oddest method I ever knew 't is a fit subject for a Scene I intend to commend it to a Poet of my acquaintance Wild. Take heed and pray that I get thee not at an advantage for if I do I will be a perpetual plague to thee A Coward that by chance has won a prize brags not so much as I will Tyrannize Bened. Ha ha ha but see yonder 's your man disguis'd coming with Sir Barnaby I find the trick takes Wild. The Rogue has dress'd
a peal of Rhetorick accost her with a number of whining amorous phrases Millic And all lyes Well Sir she 's now at the Lady Lofty's go and get your Coach ready and about half an hour hence I 'le meet you there Exit Millicent Townly Of all Intrigues that ever I knew this is the most quaint and pleasant Here o' one side is a fantastick husband that courts me to court his wife On the other side his wife commands me to address to another Lady and luckily to the very person I love equal to my soul Gad I think I 'me a happy fellow what she designs by engaging me thus I know not but am resolv'd to proceed for the sweet sake of variety One I am inform'd loves me and therefore must be courted and the other is not inexorable but may be courted And where two Beauty 's in compliance move The Devil 's in that man that pines for Love Exit ACT II. SCENE I. Enter Sir Walter Gratiana and Livia Grat. SIR I am now so happy to tell ye your trouble is at an end I am at home Sir Walt. Wou'd my wits were at home too that I might make a decent repartee your Servant Madam 't no trouble Livia Your Ladyship has a very â—…etty apartment here Madam Grat. Small but convenient yet shall henceforth have a greater share in my Esteem because you like it Madam Sir Walt. A Plaguy sharp-witted creature this Gad I 'me almost afraid to speak to her she always runs one down so confoundedly Livia Your Ladyship does me too much honour Sir Walt. For my part I hate a Lodging next the street the Coacheskeeps such a perpetual Ratling one had as good live in a Mill. Grat. I think these are private enough Sir Sir Walt. Private as Virgins thoughts Madam Ah this would be a rare place for my humour Grat. What 's that Sir to game in Sir Walt. No to be Drunk in Madam that 's my humour 't is the Talent of all the Wiseacres our family has been famous for 't above this Five hundred years Grat. I think you give a bottle Sir for the Crest of your Coat Sir Walt. No Madam we give no Bottles we drink off all the Bottles we give the Cap of Fortune for our Crest Grat. Otherwise called the Fools Cap. Aside Sir Walt. Sir Jollynose Wiseacre my Great Grandfather Madam was the first man that bore it and my Father Sir Toby Wiseacre being a Favourite at Court got it adorned with three Golden Bells in humour and imitation of the City-Cap of Maintenance Grat. How I hate this Fop that has nothing but dull Repartee and vented in defiance of Wit and good Language Madam when the Gentleman's story is ended I shall expect you in the Garden Exit Grat. Sir Walt. What a whimsical creature is this She 's never two minutes in a humour Livia She 's always uneasie Sir in mens company Sir Walt. What not love a man Alas poor Animal she 's miserable enough faith Not love a man why she loses the only blessing of her Creation Livia Rather say she reaps the only blessing for Love in this age is as much sophisticated as Wine and I think has as malignant effects Sir Walt. Madam the Wine I drink your Health in is always unsophisticated and so is the Love I bear you I am compounded Madam of nothing but Love and Wine my heart is a meer Bunch of Grapes from whence you may press the first running luscious Juice together with the true spirit of affection unpall'd or uncorrupted Livia There is nothing more corrupted than the love that Wine creates therefore 't is impossible you should love well that are so grand a professor in drinking Sir Walt. Oh the better for 't for you must know Madam I 'me a sneaking dog when I 'me sober but I make Love like a Turk when I 'me drunk Livia Like a Turk indeed for nothing but a Seraglio of women can then serve your turn and if I am not mistaken your Lady has Jealousie enough to resent such actions Sir Walt. Nay Gad a Country-Copes that has married a Player cannot be more jealous that 's the truth on 't but I care not this for't I laugh at it faith and that so mads her besides I have now laid a snare for her I set Jack Townly to court her that she may have the less leisure to disturb my passion for you Did you praise him to her this afternoon as I desired you Madam Livia Extremely Sir and left 'um alone in her Closet Ha see yonder they come Sir Walt. Ay 't is so I see the Rogue Townly follows my instructions Well adieu dear Madam she must not see us together what so familiar already Gad my design goes on rarely Exit Livia Though the Love I had for this fool is vanisht yet I am resolved to comply with him a little if it be only to revenge my self on his Wife for being jealous of me here she comes Enter Townly and Millicent Mill. Always thus retired Madam and melancholy sure this solitude must needs be prejudicial to your health nay and not only to your self but me and all your friends that lose the pleasure of your company Come I have ingag'd Mr. Townly here to wait on ye handsome Mr. Townly one I assure you that is the most agreeable most obliging and best company of any man in Town Townly Your Servant Madam I hope your Ladyship will prove this to her for my part I am dumb Livia I know the Gentleman too well Madam to be ignorant of his perfections I know he discourses Elegantly Dances finely then his carriage is easie and courtly besides a most excellent quality he has in Singing Townly So she has found out a quality for me that I never knew in my felf faith that 's Singing for the Devil of any thing I can sing but the Ballad of John Dory and oh the wretched damn'd Sham-plot c. Mill. Pray observe Madam what a delicate shape he has what an attractive languishing and then the prettiest leg and foot O Venus but 't is in vain for me to praise him Apart to her Livia 'T is as Sir Walter inferr'd she does love him Aside and then look Madam he has the finest moulded face the most taking features and graces and each limb about his person so particularly graceful that were I a woman of that brisk free humour to entertain a Gallant sweet Mr. Townly should be the man I would prefer before the world Mill. Her freeness in his Commendations declares her love to him and thus far my designs has happy success Aside Townly Though I was not so happy as to hear the last of your Discourse Ladies yet faith I guess 't was all in praise of me for 't is a vanity natural to us men that when any one is commended by the Company whatever whisper arises afterwards is imagined to be only a pursuance of the first applause and
a Rascal Sir Ha Townly A Rascal Sir Sir Walt. Ay a Rascal a Traytor a Villain any thing nay I shall come home to ye if you provoke me Townly Pray hold Sir Sir Walt. Sir I shall not hold Sir I am mad and I will fight you have wrong'd me and abus'd your friend and now I think on 't I will beat you damnably And now I think on 't again I will consider first Ah most abominable Varlet what two at once Come come prepare Townly Prepare for what Sir Sir Walt. To be kill'd Sir only to be dissected anatomized like a Chichester Cock-Lobster or so that 's all Townly All in the Devils name But pray Sir do but hear me speak Sir Walt. No Sir not till I 've â—…t your throat Sir 't is not my way when I have done that you may have the priviledge to speak what you please Townly Nay if you are so resolute I must not dye defenceless Come come on Sir Sir Walt. Come on Sir come you on Sir what a Pox sure I understand what I have to do But hark you Jack to argue coolly now upon this matter Come put up Was I so obliging to cause an intimacy betwixt thee and the wife of my own bosome and would'st thou affront me and her so much nay be so ungrateful so false so treacherous to desert her and seek to corrupt my Mistress Townly Your Mistress Sir Walt. Ay Sir my Mistress the Idol of my soul the Cordial of my heart the Light of my eyes My Mistress what a Pox do you question that Come draw Sir draw Townly Well Sir you see I dare draw but assure your self I was ignorant of your being concerned here and my business with her was only an humble suit that she would do me what good offices she could in commending me to your Wife Sir Walt. And was that all faith What a Dog am I now to abuse so honest a fellow Come put up agen But was that all faith swear bounce out a swinger by way of confirmation Townly By the God of Love and the more Celestial Beauty of that Divine Creature your Wife I swear Pray Heaven this lye don't choak me Aside Sir Walt. Why look now what a Dog am I Deed Jack I beg thy pardon I am somewhat hasty But I only make an offer or so I would not have fought with thee for all my jesting Townly I do believe thee I â—aith Aside Enter Millicent Mill. Either my ears deceiv'd me or I heard my husbands voice Ha 't is so yonder he is and Townly familiarly talking with him nay then I see my Plot has taken little effect I 'le stand aside and listen Sir Walt. To morrow Jack I 'm oblig'd to wait on my Mistress therefore be very careful in addressing to my Wife Townly Well Sir since you will have it so Mill. His Mistress rare Gentlemen Sir Walt. I 'le vow the Domestick Animal at home is grown so jealous of late there 's no enduring her Townly 'T is pity Sir she has that fault she 's very handsome Sir Walt. I were she but another mans wife she were a blessing but the Devil 's in 't she 's mine Jack she 's mine I 'm fed up with an everlasting dish of Mutton yesterday she was Mutton to day she 's Mutton and to morrow she will be Mutton and for a man to feed eternally upon Mutton a Pox on 't 't is unreasonable Townly Sir though she be Mutton to you she 's Venison to another man every look from her is a delicious banquet and a man must as you say be her husband to be cloyed with it Sir Walt. Come we shall find her at the Masquerades to night then dear Rogue do but wheedle her finely and thou wilt oblige me for ever Townly If I fail let me be an Eunuch so I think I 'm a lucky fellow Enter Millicent Mill. Is it for this then I have been so constant for this have slighted still the young and brave and like Penelope kept my tempted vertue maugre the vice of this deluding age nay does my beauty deserve only this My May of blood would give my cheeks a blush greater than would appear on proof of Infamy did he but know I had an Imperfection And am I slighted thus thus left sold to another and by my husband too whom I have lov'd far far beyond his merit Teach me then ye Powers Revenge and Jealousie instruct an injur'd woman 'T is done Townly shall be the man I 'le instantly write to him and let loose all my Charms to retrieve him from Livia Then shall my husband find too late that Marriage should have a relish of Love as well as Duty For may I prove the fool that he design'd If I make not him the greatest of mankind Eâ—it Finis Actus Secundi ACT. III. SCENE I. The Captains House Enter Townly with a Letter Townly HAppy the man most happy must he prove That lives like me crown'd with success in love A thousand blessings wait on his Desires Bliss glads his heart and kind Occasion courts him Beauty the Goddess of the Universe Unarms her killing eyes and meets him equal Whilst fierce Delights and Joys profusely given Shoot through and almost cloy his Soul with Heav'n Was ever Luxury in love like mine What! two at once and two such Beauties as Livia and Millicent By heav'n 't is too much and I grow jealous of my happiness and yet my Assignation with the first and this Letter from the last confirms the certainty Well if this be not a false scrowl my honest friend Sir Walter must excuse me in a certain punctilio about his Wife I shall never be able to keep Covenants Gad I must beg his pardon Enter Millicent Mill. Whose pardon is this you are so zealous to beg Sir and what Covenants are these that are so difficult for you to keep Townly Those betwixt my heart and you Madam and therefore of whom should I beg pardon but you for though you have charm'd me with the prospect of transporting hopes yet so frail is humane nature and I amongst the rest so faulty that my soul hovers in the Purgatory of doubt not knowing what I deserve nor whither I am to go Mill. A great proof of your desert Sir may be made by your service and we women like Merchants guess a servant's Merit by his fidelity let me see Have you been careful in the first point and kept my Letter safe Townly Safe Judg you else 't was here quilted in my Coat next my heart and done up with as much care as a Miser does his broad Gold when he 's afraid of robbing Mill. And design'd to be sent as a Trophy to your new Mistress Livia Townly My new Mistress Jealousie good Aside Mill. I vow I heard you were under the Surgeons hands for a strange bruise in your knee occasion'd by your incessant kneeling to her Townly Gad I was afraid she had heard I had
the bands of zeal being broken must fall hudling to destruction a Pox upon him ne'r a Musquet Wild. How to Destruction Sir Sir Barn Come come things go ill Mr. Wilding things go ill you have not Bulk enough to bear State-matters or else I could tell you in your ear that how do you rate this Beaver good Mr. a Wild. At a friends acceptance Sir have you a mind to 't Sir Barn No no not I by no means not I the Hat 's well made though I knew your Father long ago Mr. Wilding he was always a free generous soul indeed but betwixt you and I would not be rul'd he would still be on the wrong side Come come he lov'd the King too well had he not lov'd the King he had been a brave fellow Bened. Otherwise called a Rascal Sir Barn Come Sir you are all mis-led and will be all pickled ere long I can tell you that if our soul-saving Party do not settle the Nation I say 't will track 't will unhinge whip you 're gen old Antichrist will have your Lands and Bodies and the Devil your Souls Wild. Your soul I hope will be in no great danger however Sir Sir Barn No not mine I never carry mine about me mine 's always in the heart of the City in Lumbard street Bened. The Rogue has once in his life spoke truth Wild. Incorrigible Villain but I have made an Observation That Fanaticism Intoxicates like Wine and has much the same effects For as a true Drunkard cannot keep a secret but must make some discovery so your true Presbyter never talks of State-affairs without a Tang of Treason Sir Barn I was yesterday with an Astrologer a learned man and one of our Tribe and Lord bless us he tells me we shall have a Famine Bened. A Famine why that 's worse to you than Damnation Sir Barn 'T is so as Gad save me I swoon'd away twice at the very apprehension on 't and had not a Suppose brought me some comfort on my Conscience had dyed A Famine Mercy on us Come War Pestilence Fire Sword any thing but that the Gut-Plague is sure more terrible than all those of Egypt Bened. This Epicure I see never considers life any further than the pleasure of eating and drinking Sir Barn Were matters carried well we should have none of this no Meteors nor Comets nor Pestilences were not our sins Contagious were faith and frugallity among us no hungry Tuscany-Stars would threaten neither There 's an Old saying The Devil promises like a Merchant-man but performs like a Man of War 'T was not so in the blessed year of 48 to my knowledge I say no more but would I were at the Helm Wild. So Treason agen you at the Helm yes of a Ship I would thou wert to be thrown off and plung'd to the bottom for a Mutinous Traytor Sir Barn Ha what the loud Traytor to a man of my kidney a Portly Jolly Fat man a man of Faith and Belly Away fool 't is your lean your scraggy fellows that Plot mischief if the Pope himself had been a fat fellow he had been honest Bened. Yes as your Noble Ancestors the Sussex Whiggs were or that Cursed Crew your Brethren of the Amsterdam-house that cool their Coffee with the Breath of Rebellion and hourly damn themselves by Whispering Treason Wild. Come Sirs here 's the Kings Health Long live his Sacred Majesty kneel down and cast your Bonnet Sir Barn Not I Sir you must spare me I never kneel not I but to pray besides I can drink no Healths I am in a Milk-Dyet for the Scurvy Wild. For the Pox I believe Come Sir it must be done therefore uncover and kneel Sir Barn Sir we never uncover 't is not our method we never use any Ceremony with my Hat on Let him live But Bened. Let him live But these are rare Rascals Wild. A word more of Refusal and my Sword shall pare that body of thine into shape Sir Barn Well Sir I submit But Sir tell not me I understand my self Moles though blind can hear let him live but I wish for the Nations sake I wish my Council Wild. What! more muttering of Treason your Council Sir Barn Well I acquiesce Drinks I am silent you will awake when the Sword 's at your throats you will I say and repent this prophane drinking of Healths and so farewell t' ee Exit Sir Barnaby Whigg Wild. Ha ha I knew there was no way to silence him but this but see Enter Townly and Millicent here 's Jack Townly coming with Sir Walter 's Wife Come faith 't is uncivil to hinder an Intrigue prithee let 's go Bened. T is almost time now to visit the Lady Lofty I long to see you two rail a Courtship out Wild. I 'le be as good as my word faith Exeunt Townly The Captain 's Lady say you Madam Millic She Sir the beautiful Livia Townly What! in love with me Millic I know not what you call in love but to my knowledge she was lavish in her Commendations of you just now in the Garden sigh'd and look'd pale if your name were mention'd and these are signs of something extraordinary Townly Kind Chance She 's the person I love more than Health But I must sift her further this may be a trick Aside To Millicent 'T is a blessing Madam I am not ambitious of since the charms of your Wit Beauty and Conversation are to me all that can be extraordinary Millic Mine Sir you have but an ill stomach if you can subsist with the thin dyer I can afford you I am of a Volatile temper and only admit of this Gallantry of yours for the sake of the mirth it brings with it but the Captain 's Lady has a passion for you languishes loves you therefore if you would share in my applause go instantly and Address to her A young Gallant shou'd like a Tow'ring Falcon fly at all games I hate a dull sneaking constant tiresome fellow that pins himself to one Ladies train and will spend 14 long hours in praising the Dew on her under-lip or the colour of her shoo-strings whilst she is all the while cursing her company and heartily wishes him hang'd Townly What a Devil does she mean by this S'death I was never so puzzl'd in my life Aside Millic In a word Sir if you would purchase my good opinion go and court this Lady Come I command you to do it perhaps I have some reason for 't Townly Nay you know Madam I want power to deny any Commands from you Let me consider a little Millic So it begins to take and by this means I shall get my Husband a Rival too handsome not to be belov'd as well as he Whether Livia loves Townly or no I know not Commend him she did and that may in time induce Love Well Sir have you thought Townly I have Madam and for your sake will Address to her I will storm her ears with
Frigat why then I say my friend Watt with a Pox to him is a damn'd lying Rascal for my Lieutenant came from Sheerness this morning and told me she was as tite as ever and ready to set Sail. Sir Walt. Sheerness ha ha well said apprehension here 's the wit of a Tarpawlin now one ruffling Storm frights away all their brains to make room for the fumes that make them Valiant but know friend that I mean a Frigat of another nature thy Wife thy Wife man Capt. My Wife why what of her Sir Wal. Nay no great matter only she is beset made unlawful prize and to night to be grappl'd and boarded that 's all Capt. All in the Devils name a very pretty All faith but hark you Sir Watt or Coxcomb or what may a man call you if you run your Lancashire-Jests on me I shall swinge you I shall thrash you in plain terms D' ee see Sir therefore be serious My Wife d' ee say Sir Walt. Nay if you are so Cholerick for nothing I care not this for't be a Cuckold grow ridiculous despair and then hang your self on the top of the Main-Mast Gad I 'le not value it the cutting a corn since you are so uncivil Capt. ' Sbud speak to the purpose or by Boreas I will eat thee up as I would do a Sea-bisket Sir Walt. What a damn'd Canibal-Rogue is this Gad he looks as if he would eat me indeed why then I say agen thy Wife thy Helen thy Octavia was this night to be engaged in an Intrigue the business and place is only suppos'd but the voracious Pirate is by my industry surpriz'd detain'd a Prisoner of War and confin'd to that Closet there Capt. How a Rascal surpriz'd in my Wives Closet So ho bring out the Mortar-piece there ' Oones I 'le surprize him with a vengeance Sir Walt. Hold hold here comes your Lady urge her to a Discovery command the key and observe her excuses So so I think I shall be reveng'd now Enter Livia Livia If this project fail I 'me undone Capt. Your Servant Madam pray if a man may ask a civil question What news from the Straits it seems good Pinnace you were to be Boarded to night hah Livia Boarded Sir Capt. Grappl'd clapt a-stern nay and in danger to prove a Fire-ship forc'd to a surrender by a through-shot betwixt Wind and Water and then to be Mann'd by the Enemy in the Fore-Castle and Poop with a Pox t' ee Livia I wish you would give your meaning Sir in plainer terms for I am utterly unprovided of an answer to this Sir Walt. Ay alas poor Innocence she knows not what you mean not she Capt. No no Come give me the key of this Closet I 'le shew my meaning presently What d' ee tremble Come the key the key where is' t Livia What key Sir Capt. What key Sir the key that unlocks the Bawdy door to your Stallion that lies there in the Bilbo's I 'le feez him ' Sbud I 'le have him condemn'd by a Jury of Tarpawlins first flea'd then hung by the heels at the Yard-arm a dreadful example to all such Cuckoldmakers the key I say the key Livia Now dear fortune be propitious Aside Capt. Come where is' t by Mars my Lady Strumpet I shall give you a salt Eel I shall show you a touch of my Sea-office if you trifle any longer Livia But why thus angry Sir you shall have the key and instantly but shew so much humanity to your poor Wife one that has lov'd you Heav'n knows too tenderly to let her speak give her time to unfold this mystical matter let her plead her Innocence before she be condemn'd Capt. Innocence ay a Whore has a wonderful stock of Innocence indeed you are devout are you this is your zeal is it ' Sbud I ever thought there would come no good of your Devotion you were so early at it Livia Is my Integrity suppos'd my Crime then must that be my Accuser my Husband should have kinder thoughts and you my friend are too much a Gentleman so to condemn me Heav'n knows how little I deserve this Ignominy Weeps Capt. Ay ay weep this rain shall not lay the dust the Stallion must be produc'd he must Spouse he must Sir Walt. I am her Friend now but I was her Fool and Coxcomb an hour ago Livia Produc'd Sir Can you think I would conceal him Can you believe your Wife the partner of your Bed and dearest thoughts could know a secret that concerns your Honour and keep you ignorant See here the whole discovery my heart was too full of grief to let me speak the fatal story and therefore I committed it to Writing Gives a paper Capt. Your heart too full your crime was too foul rather but come let 's see here 's a pretty modest scrowl no doubt Sir Walt. The Devil 's in these Women they had rather do that business than talk of it any time They read the paper Livia Here here 's the key now do it cunningly and gain my love for ever To Silvia Aside Capt. reads If Love were to be judg'd by Jealousie then Jealousie were to be excus'd by Love but the reason of the one and the unreasonableness of the other makes passionate Love suspected and Jealousie hated though to be jealous is really to love as to love is to be jealous argued largely in the Amour of Min Heer Van Belgor Admiral to the States-General and the Skinckimurra Brachia del Pegoe Wife of Prester-John Capt. What the Devil is all this Oones I can't understand a word on 't Do you Sir Walt. Hum Skinckimurra Pegee hum ay 't is as you said Captain a very pretty modest scrowl Come let 's see further Read Courtesie is only a pretence and Friendship grown a deceit for your friend Sir Walter has bin these six months solliciting me unlawfully Livia makes signs to Silvia to open the door Ha! say you so I understand that Sir hum Sir Walt. That Sir pray let 's see 't This damn'd Jilt will discover all Aside Capt. ' Sbud this is a very fine business pray read on Sir Sir Walt. reads Your friend Sir Walter has bin these six months solliciting me unlawfully Capt. Friend ay a sweet friend fine damn'd friend hum Sir Walt. reads And you are conscious to your self that you were formerly very familiar with his Wife Hah hum who must understand that there 's a bus'ness hum who must understand that I say Familiar with her not sollicit but familiar intimate profoundly acquainted familiar with her you have no Off-spring no Issue no Sons of Whores begotten on her body have you Sir Hah hum Capt. I prithee leave thy prating why I hardly know her I never came within shot of her in my life these are Tricks Wheadles Clokes to cover the main matter pray Mistress come to the point the Rascal in the Closet there the bawdy Intrigue Where 's that where 's that Livia Be careful now or
himself like a Dominican now for a Tryal of my Roundheads Orthodox-honesty I believe I shall find him a Recreant-Knight Come let 's retire and observe Exit Enter Sir Barnaby and Swift Sir Barn How Father a Bassa's Widow say you Swift Gud feth is she Sir and Neice tal the Grand Vizier Sir Barn What and in Love with me Swift Sick Sir even to death for you nay if she were not almost past recovery ye shou'd not so soon ha' known it Sir poor Lady she was bred from an Infant under my Guardianship I was her Confessor at Rome and lately being enjoyn'd a Pennance here into England to visit St. Coleman's Tomb 't is her hard fate to fall in love Sir nay is likely to throw away a vast fortune upon a Heretick a Protestant I fear and if so she 's undone for ever Sir Barn Od's heart here 's luck now Nay good Father say not so I am her Vassal her humble slave her dog any thing Swift Ay Sir there may be love enough and though you are Married we can get a Dispensation but where 's the Blessing where 's the Sanctification Pray what Religion are ye Sir Wild. So there ' the Choak-pear now listen Peeping Sir Barn What Religion am I hum why faith to tell thee the truth Father I am hum Of what Religion am I d' you say Wild. Ah! damn'd Rogue now the word Orthodox can't get out of 's mouth Swift Ay Sir what Sect what Opinion Sir Barn Opinion why look Father I 'me of Opinion that but by the way first if I may be so bold pray what Estate has this Lady you say she 's very rich Swift Why Sir if you happen to prove an honest godly Roman Catholick she shall have Ten thousand pounds but if you are a Protestant Angrily Sir Barn Not I man I 'me no Protestant not I nor never was nor never will be not I ' Sbud Ten thousand pounds Aside Swift Or own any Allegiance or Power but his Holiness the Pope and See of Rome Sir Barn Not I faith the Pope's a very worthy civil Gentleman and for my part I ever lov'd and honour'd him Wild. So thou wou'dst the Devil if he brought but Money enough Bened. Without doubt and own him the same civil worthy Person Swift Son Son I fear you are not sound at heart I fear the weed of Heresie has infected you and you cannot dispence with our Doctrine Sir Barn Pish I can I tell thee with all my heart man the Doctrine's a good Doctrine yes faith I like the humour of 't well enough and will dispence with 't bate me but the wearing of a hair Shirt and using father Whitebread's unconscionable Cat of Nine-tails Swift Not for the World Sir to what height wou'd that flesh rise were it not sometimes Disciplin'd you are full of sin Son Fat fat very fat Sir Barn Portly portly like the Ancient British Race a Vessel of choice Wares a Man of Kidney Swift See how Fate orders things I never cou'd perswade this Wise Lady to love a Lean man by St. Andrew she never cou'd endure ' em Sir Barn Gad she 's a witty Woman a most ingenious person I warrant her and Ten thousand pounds too Uds bud there 's a Sum there 's luck there 's fortune Go thy ways brother Fat Gad thou' rt a brave fellow but Father where is she Father I 'me impatient let me fix let me see her Swift First fix your faith Sir here are your Beads the Consecrated tokens of your Conversion be constant and use 'em well pray often then be happy Sir Barn Faith I 'le do what I can but Father you 'l do me a very great favour to oblige me with half a score good taking prayers for to deal ingenuously with you I am at present a little out of sorts you know we Soldiers are seldom very devout Swift My care shall still attend you Sir Gud feth Enter a Seaman with a Letter Seaman For Father Sawney these from Rhodes Swift Hah and come in most happy time from her Uncle the Bassa without whose consent she has formerly Vow'd not to Marry and this Letter doubtless contains his pleasure Reads Letter Since my Neice is driven to such extremity and that her ill fortune obliges her to Love one whose Nation I hate I am forc't to consent to 't but upon these two Conditions First that he be found of Quality and secondly that he immediately turn Musselman or else my Curse and Mahomets follow her Swift Woons what 's here why this is worst of all base irreligious worse worse than any thing Sir Barn What what 's that what does he say I must turn Mustardman Swift Oh! more impious barbarous far beyond the vainest of all Sects and Heresies a Fiend a Mussle-man Sir Barn Mussleman what a Fisherman Swift Worse worse still far more criminal than the basest of Functions he says you must never Marry his Neice unless you turn Turk Sir Barn Turk Well well since it can't be help't I 'le turn Turk man Jew Moor Graecian any thing Pox on 't I 'le not lose a Lady and such a sum for the sake of any Religion under the Sun by Mahomet not I. Throws the Beads away Swift But does not your Conscience prick you a little Sir Barn Not a jot faith Why you old fool our Conscience is our Interest always and I have not been a Rebel so long sure to have any squeamish fits at these years Seaman Our Express from the Levant brings word of a Fleet of Turkishmen coming hither and 't is suppos'd upon some great design Swift There 's your way Son and since it must be so obey Mahomet sight for the Grand Signior and win the Lady Sir Barn I 'le do 't by Alha by Mahomet I will I 'le go presently and corrupt my Men some with bribes some with promises and fair words others with preferments Then sow Sedition ' mongst the Mobile win 'em with Pots of Ale and Peny Loass to commit Ryots Murders there 's your Policy I 'le do 't I say I 'me sure I 'me safe for my Astrologer has secur'd my life therefore I 'le go on and when Signior Turk and I plunder the City the Lady Mine and Mine the Potent Bullion then Grandsire Grey-beard shalt thou be my Bassa Enter Wilding Benedick and Officers Wild. But e're that happen grand Raseal you shall be hang'd Sir Barn Wilding then I 'me undone and all the Stars have fail'd me Wild. By Mahomet have they and most basely too Thou Turn Coat slave where 's your Orthodox Opinion now your Healths in Ten quart Bumpers to the King you are now first for the Pope and then for Mahomet either or any side so there 's but Money Plunder the City raise the Mobile Plot with a Priest here otherwise call'd my Foot-man and Coach-man the Tarpawlin What think you now Sir Pulls off their Disguises Sir Barn His Foot-man was ever Politician so o're-reacht Justice Secure