must make of this Day of Joy the most melancholy Day of your Life by imparting to you the saddest News you could expect Sir Maur. Oh Heavens Brother what is it Mean Our Hamburgh Ship has brought this dismal Account that Mynheer Van Punk is broke and Sir Maur. Alas alas I am undone undone for ever 20000 l. at a clap I shall not be able to shew my Head Mar. Oh the unseasonable Misfortune Lady M. Why so concern'd Sir Maurice What now your weak and puny Soul must fret and be disturbed at this Thanks to Philosophy mine is firm and unshaken Lovew My Fortune is safe still what Love could not do Interest may I 'll not despair Aside Sir Tim. To Witl Oddszookers the Case is altered Hark you Tim I have always observed that a man never thrives in the World that has wrong'd a modest Woman therefore in point of Interest as well as Conscience you must marry this Lady and as a Pennance for your not Renouncing the Flesh Woman and the Devil swallow the bitter Cup of Matrimonial Twist Witl I marry that Woman Sir I beg your Pardon I should be a Cornuto and you know 't is the only thing I hate Sir Tim. Good Boy a man makes himself ridiculous in the World that affects Singularity in any thing you 'l be Cuckolded a little before your time that 's true but t is the fashion now therefore no Soul living will take notice of it Witl Is it so upon your word Sir Or do you jest Sir Tim. Ay Tim upon my honest word 't is e'en so Cuckoldom is a raging Grievance of the Nation for all my mincing the matter Just now believe me as many men as you see walking in the Streets are as many Cuckolds Witl How so pray They are not all married sure Sir Tim. There is all the difference Boy with those that are married their business is done with those that are not their business is now doing It was so with you and just so 't will be with 'em comfort your self with that Witl I am as glad as any thing 't is so I protest I am for to tell you the truth the thing disturbed me a little but since you say 't is the Mode I scorn to be singular Sir Tim. Besides Tim Mrs. Meanwell has now lost her Fortune and Beggar for Beggar 't is much better for us you marry this good Lady here for by this means we avoid a chargeable Suit the man was talking of no less than 6000 l. Damages hang him 6000 l. would undo us Witl By the University I do not think there is one thousand Pounds difference between an Honest VVoman and a Common one Cler. Oh the Brute what pity 't had been a VVoman of Virtue had fallen to the Lott of such a Fool who does not understand the Value of so great a Treasure Aside Witl By the tip of Plato's Ear I am of the opinion of that famous Poet Tacitus who says He had rather be Cuckolded by a pretty coaksing loving VVife than escape the Dishonour either through the Ugliness or the surly Virtue of one peevishly Honest Huff Sir Timothy I rejoyce to see things run thus in a right Channel and to make my Joy compleat I have but one Favour more to beg of you viz. That Mr. Witless and my dear Relation here may be joyned instantly for I am commanded with my Regiment for Flanders to morrow early and I should not cross the Sea with a quiet Mind should I leave this piece of Work unfinish'd Sir Tim. With all my Heart Sir but where shall we find an Executioner Huff I have a Levitical Conjurer below who with Sir Maurice's leave will give us a touch of his Black Art Sir Maur. My House Sir is at your service Sir Tim. What say you to it Tim Come hang Consideration the shortest Follies are best Witl Come then Pig in a Poke away to the Conjurer thou art not the first has carried a great Belly to the Parson Exeunt Sir Timothy Witless Huff and Lucy Sir Maur. Clerimont I promised my self a great deal of Happiness in the Honour of your Alliance but since my Hopes are defeated and I cannot in the Circumstances I am in at present offer poor Mariana to you for a Wife I must thank you for your Civilities to her and wish you somewhere else a Fortune answerable to your Merit Cler. You offend me Sir Maurice with this Discourse As it was not for her Fortune I courted your fair Daughter so this Loss shall make no change in me I love her better than ever I did all I have in the World is hers and consequently at your service Lovew Then farewel to my Hopes there I am put to my last Prayers indeed but rather than fail I 'll make sure of Sir Maggot Jingle his Wit shall be my Excuse Aside Mar. To Cler. No Clerimont you are too Generous and whatever Violence I do to my Inclination in pronouncing the Words we must part Fortune has cross'd my Wishes and placed my Heart beneath you Cler. Oh killing words Cruel Mariana do you do you oppose my Happiness Who could have suspected it My Heart was not prepared for so severe a stroke Mar. 'T is not Clerimont because I hate you or love you less Heaven that sees into my Breast knows how pure and sincere is my Love for you but I am sensible that your Estate requires a present Fortune to make you easie I wished to be yours when I had reason to hope my Father's Kindness would have made us live happily in the World but since Heaven has decreed otherwise I must not be so ungrateful to your Love as to desire to be an Obstacle to your Fortune Cler. If you have not a mind Divine Mariana to see a sad Lover expire at your Feet forbear talking any more of Fortune the whole World without you cannot make me happy and with you I am richer than the greatest Monarch upon Earth Mar. Fortune which has robb'd me of all my Hopes could not rob you of my Heart it is yours Clerimont in spite of her and if I owed it all before to your Love what can I give now to your Generosity Cler. Your self Madam and in you all that this World can gratifie my Ambition withal Enter Sir Timothy Witless Huff and Lucy Witl Leading Lucy and turning her round I fancy the Sin is worth the owning the Creature feels as a sound piece of Mortality 't is but supposing the first night we lay together that we have been married 4 or 5 months and all is well Sir Tim. Good Tim my mind is now at ease to see you a man like my self and by this Heroick Act of yours do I know you to be of the true Blood of the Witlesses who for these five Generations have outbraved Cuckoldom Come thou art a good Boy and hast the true notion of the thing Witl Nay I think I am as good a man as I was
before my Leg is as streight now as it was in the morning and I find not the least alteration in my Health why should I be melancholy I see no cause not I. Lucy This is the Wheel of Fortune Mr. Witless when People boast of Favours they never enjoy'd they come often to father Children they never got Throws off her Disguise But see you have better Luck than you deserve Sir Tim. Hell and Furies what have we here Lucy Honest Lucy at your service as pure a Virgin as ever was born for all your bragging Mr. Witless Witl Trap you Trap by the University thy pretty Sister Oddszooks 't is well 't is no worse Trap. I had a pretty Match for her in my Eye but since Destiny throws her upon you I 'll not contend with your Stars take her and wear her she is yours I hope you 'l use her civilly Lady M. Surely Sir Timothy will not suffer his witty Son to be thus prostituted to an illiterate Abigail Sir Tim. Not I by Hell This is an impudent Cheat a Trick of that Rascal there I smoak it out but I 'll see 'em all hang'd I 'll to Justice immediately Justice Justice Exit Witl You may hang the rest if you please Father but I 'll take care to hang this little Rogue my self Come dear Lucy thou melting Sugar-loaf of Pleasure thou art a good Girl by the University I always loved thee give me thy Hand I 'll say it once more thou art my Wife Let Sir Timothy fume my Mother's Land is 500 l. per Annum and that 's enough for us Hocus Pocus thou art a Maid to day I 'll make thee a Woman to morrow Lucy So much Justice you owe me I 'm sure for your vain boasting but look to your self now I 'll be even with you I warrant you and turn your Fictions into Real History with a Vengeance Sir Maur. Now Lady Grumble are you convinced that Mr. Witless is not to have my Daughter Shall we at last have the favour of your Consent for this Gentleman Lady M. No Sir Maurice not as long as I breath what do you think I 'll admit into my Family a Despiser of Wit one who knows well enough I'm an Author and never had the manners to ask me to read any of my Works to him Cler. I am not Madam such an Enemy to Wit as your Ladyship makes me I love it but as a Gentleman without either Pride or Affectation I could Entertain the Company with a small Essay of my Poetry a SONG I made yesterday if you could promise your selves patience enough to hear it Lady M. Hear it Ay with all our Hearts who is there to sing it SONG LOve thou art best of Human Joys Our chiefest Happiness below All other Pleasures are but Toys Musick without thee is but Noise And Beauty but an empty Show Heav'n who knew best what Man could move And raise his Thoughts above the Brute Said Let him be and let him love That must alone his Soul improve Howe'er Philosophers dispute Wilt. I protest the man writes well enough for a Fidler Sir Maur. Oh rare I hope your Ladyship is satisfied now Lady M. Yes Sir Maurice I 'm satisfied that that man must be your Son-in-Law and my Reason for it is because he is a Ninny and a Booby Sir Maur. ' Sdeath what a Babel is here Where are we now Lady M. Where are we say you In the worst place in the World for Manners sure what for a man to be so hardy so Effronté and so destitute of Politeness and Complisance as to affront Philosophy to my face is a Crime never to be atoned for however Philosophers dispute quoth he That 's as much as to say we are Fools my Sister Daughter and I all Fools Mean I never heard my Sister draw a more natural Conclusion in my Life Lady M. But I 'll revenge Philosophy I 'm resolved and to make an Example of this Unmannerly Composer of Songs I 'll inflict upon him the Curse of a poor silly Portionless Wife Sir Mauriee whether you will or no that ignorant Songster there shall have your Daughter his shallow Wit will fit her little Genius as well as her Hamburgh Fortune his shatter'd Estate Cler. Please your self Madam with your mean Railleries I am sensible of nothing but my present Happiness Sir Maur. Did not I tell you Mariana we should carry the day I knew well enough I should bring it to pass Now we are all pleased I hope Mean Only poor Sister Catchat she has reason to take it ill that in so plentiful a distribution of Human Flesh she can catch nothing but must at last take up with her Men in the Moon or her Visions and Chimera's Catch Ay Chimera's let my Niece look to her self there reigns one still in Clerimont's Heart will make her live uneasie all her days let me tell her that and so Adieu Exit Lady M. Insert this in the Articles Mr. Engross I charge you that this illiterate Couple shall never come into my House I 'll not be pester'd with stupid Creatures not I. Sir Maur. Not into my House By my Lord Maylor I 'll leave you Lady Petulant with your Jingles to make Almanacks and Ballads Lady M. Yes yes the World shall see how much I value Wit in spite of Fools Sir Maggot Jingle shall be my Son-in-Law and for the future none shall be admitted into my House but Beaux Esprits therefore Sir Maurice think of another Habitation for your self Cler. To Sir Maur. You are Master of my House Sir and shall Command in it more absolutely than you did in your own Lady M. The Kindness Sir will be seasonable Mean Then since you are pleased so impertinently to Insult know Sister to your confusion that the News from Hamburgh is false that my Niece's Fortune is not lost but rather improved by a considerable Return I put this trick upon you to try your Philosophy and let the World see to the bottom of Female Wits Sir Maur. Oh dear Brother you revive me How happy am I that I have still a fortune to make a Return to Clerimont's Generosity To Cler. It is all yours Sir give me leave to make the rest of my Life happy in your and my Daughter's Company and retire with you into Essex Mar. This will compleat my Happiness Heaven be thank'd I shall have all I could wish for in this World my Father and Clerimont Lady M. And blessed be my Stars say I that Ignorance and Wit shall dwel no more together farewel rude and unpolish'd Crowd You witty Daughter of mine follow me Exeunt Lady M. and Lovewit Mean Brother let this Day be Celebrated as a Day of Joy and Deliverance to your Family from the Tyrannical and Arbitrary Power of a Proud Scolding Whimsical Philosophical Wife You have now got a second that will stand by you I 'm sure Let not therefore an impertinent Female Wit Usurp again so unreasonable an Empire over you Sir Maur. I 'll make the best of your Advice to be sure but good Brother whatever the Task may seem to one without Experience take my word all married men find it a difficult one Man first was destin'd for the Sov'reign Sway But haughty Woman scorning to obey Call'd to her Beauty's Aid the Serpent's Art Surpris'd his Reason and Ensnar'd his Heart Since when we struggle for our Right in vain Their Tongues and Eyes will still the Rule maintain c. EPILOGUE Spoken by Mrs. Catchat I Try'd to leave you Gentlemen in vain The rest are gone but I 'm return'd again And that you 're pleas'd my Vanity discovers I 'll set you all down in my List of Lovers And think you so whate'er Defence you make Nay more I 'll prove is for my Humour 's sake That none are Happy but through some Mistake The fairest Nymph that thinks sh 'as gain'd a Heart And does her Favours with her Smiles impart Whilst here the Spark practises all his Graces Ne'er thinks alas they 're levell'd at new Faces Cheated on still by his Persidious Eyes She vainly fancies 't is for her he dies The Elder Ladies too of past Renown Have their Mistakes Stale Fortunes of the Town Think there 's no Lord but might ha' been their own And slighting Lovers of their Fancy born Starve for that Blessing they affect to Scorn At length Despis'd turn Censurers and Nice And boast of Virtue ' cause unfit for Vice You Rising Suns who see their dreadful Fate Take Warning Marry e'er it be too late For Youth 's the surest Charm to Captivate Our Author too for who so Vain as they Would needs believe that you Approve his Play E'en humour him for Once and give him Cause Warm him but with the Fire of your Applause Then If again his Muse her Voice shall raise Yours be the Merit yours be all the Praise You make the POET he but makes the PLAYS FINIS
Man triumph o'er her conquer'd Pride Or if to the last she can boast of the venerable Title of Virgin Does not the satirical World ridicule her Wisdom and mock her Singularity Till almost choakt with Vapours and devour'd with Spleen she makes in Policy a poor shift to rail at Men that scorn her and grudging to the Young the Joys she has out-lived she pines away with Envy and dies a fretting Martyr for a reproachful Cause Lov. Poor Soul how deeply is the Spirit in you immersed in the foul Abyss of your Senses Go on pretty Miss please your self with fond and airy Notions But know this That if there be Fancy in your Choice there is Judgment in mine To Philosophy and not to Man do I give the Empire of my self I scorn to yield to common Laws and to make that Reason a Slave to Mankind which kind Heav'n imparted free to me Mar. This is Heroick indeed but pray good Sister with all your Wit can you answer me this Question What sort of Figure had you made in the World had your wise Progenitours always been wrapt up in lofty Speculations or musing upon musty Books had they never condescended to talk familiar Things and now and then discoursed plain Nature together Well since I cannot be a Wit my self I 'll try to bring Wits and to stock the World with little Doctors that shall propagate Learning to all Generations Lov. I pity you poor Sister But pray since you are so very fond of that Ceremonious Piece of Ruine let 's hear at least who is the worthy Object of your Inclinations I hope not Clerimont Mar. Why not Clerimont pray Does he want Merit Is his Estate so mean or Is there any Thing in his Person should make one blush at the Choice Lov. I do not say there is but you cannot be ignorant that he is mine already by right of Conquest Mar. Lord Sister must then so vast and so sublime a Genius as yours limit it self to the Enjoyment of so mean a Creature as Man Lov. Reason which is my Guide and not my Tyrant do's not disapprove of the Courtship of a Man of Vertue tho' I may hate him for a Husband yet he may please me well enough under the Title of an Admirer Mar. Passionate Speeches Fond Addresses Platonick Gallantry and such Toys may feed up the Vanity of a Woman But Sister Are you sure Love has nothing more to desire Lov. Thanks to my Wit I can answer for One and I should make a sad Example of the daring Mortal that should attempt to rifle the precious Magazine of my Chastity Mar. But after all What Assurance have you that Clerimont is yours Lov. Surely after a Thousand Declarations of his Love I think Sister I may rely upon his Sincerity in spite of Rivals Enter Clerimont Mar. I do not love to boast but if you have a mind to try it here comes one shall decide the Quarrel Come on Clerimont and without any Fear or Partiality disclose your Heart My Sister challenges your Love and I flatter my self I have a right to it let 's see in whose Favour you 'll declare your self to Cler. Lov. I am not so fond Sister of a publick Declaration as to put any Man I value to the hard Extremity either of Dissembling or Disobliging the One is as unworthy of a Man of Honour as the other is against the Rules of fine Breeding Cler. No Madam my Heart incapable of Dissembling does not scruple to own an Engagement which is the Pride and Happiness of my Life Fair Mariana's Charms are such as will easily justifie the greatest Passion in the World Lovew But can those mighty Charms Sir be a good Excuse for Baseness and Infidelity Cler. Do me more Justice Madam and impute to your self the blame of my Inconstancy 'T is that stiff and imperious Carriage of yours that cold Indifferency you affected upon all Occasions and your high boasting of the tyrannical Empire you exercis'd over me have at last open'd my Eyes and restor'd me to the Use of my Reason and can you now complain or Lov. I Complain No Sir you mistake me my Resentment would make you proud and fancy that your Heart was a Conquest worth my keeping Mar. Now Sister here 's a Scope for your Philosophy with a vengeance summ up all your Morals to your Assistance let 's see if you can look upon a happy Rival with a Stoical and Undaunted Mind Lov. You triumph Sister in your pretty Looks and pleasing Smiles and think of Insulting perhaps too soon feed your easie deluded Soul with empty Dreams of Pleasure Your Happiness is not so great as to deserve my Envy Nor perhaps so certain yet as not to leave me some Prospect of a Change Aside and as she is going off Exit Cler. However she may endeavour to disguise it I am satisfy'd she is not a little offended at the Sincerity of my Declaration Mar. But I am pleas'd with it and without the laborious Task of two years Love you have bestow'd on her in vain I give you leave to think me not Ungrateful Cler. Still as you speak my Love discerns fresh Wonders and to that free and generous Temper so opposite to the little Artifices and Dissimulation of your Sex do I resign all the Liberty your other Charms have left me Mar. Mistake me not Clerimont I set as high a Value upon the Modesty of our Sex as the best Moralists of 'em all but yet I see no reason why we should keep a Lover at such a distance when we are once satisfy'd of his Worth and Sincerity since all the Incense after that exacted serves only to gratifie the two great Idols of our Souls Pride and Vanity and gives no real Satisfaction either to Reason or Reputation Cler. Nay proves often a piece of Policy very fatal to the Proud and Scornful of your Sex for their Vanity forcing thus a pining Lover to spend his whole Stock of Love in Courtship the Consequence of it is That he has none left for Marriage Enter Lucy to Clerimont and Mariana Lucy Oh Madam I am quite out of breath Mar. What 's the matter now Lucy Lucy The Matter only Treason High-Treason plotting against you two within Cler. I dare lay a Wager your Sister's Jealousie has been at work Lucy 'T is e'en so I never saw her Philosophy so ruffl'd before Mar. But what was the Result of it Lucy How did her Wise her Witty Mother take it Lucy You know her Way she has always more Sentences in her Mouth than Teeth Cler. But still let 's hear a little Lucy With a furious train of her bombast Expressions and a flood of Latin which for ought I know was all Swearing or Conjuring she did just now in her Tone of Authority pronounce That Mariana the Undutiful Mariana should have no other Husband but Mr. Timothy Witless Mar. Don't you tremble Clerimont at the Name of your Rival Cler. No Rival
My Brother Meanwell cannot be in Earnest sure I know the thing is impossible Mean How now Sister What do you mean by that Catch Nothing Brother but only that you are imposed prettily imposed upon that 's all The Gentleman's Heart to my knowledge is deeply enga'd somewhere else Mean You are in a merry Humour Sister What 's the meaning of this Fooling Pray Is not Clerimont in Love with my Niece Catch I have Reason to think he is not Man D'Zlife I have it from his own Mouth Sister Catch Laughing Ah ah ah poor Brother How I pity your Ignorance Mean What-a-Pox Did not he just now desire me to propose the Match to Sir Maurice you doat surely Catch Laughing Ah ah ah this Plot won't take Brother you must think again Sir Maur. The Woman is mad with her Laughing Where 's the Jest of it pray Catch No Jest at all but very good Earnest I assure you Will you have it here it is Clerimont's Love is a Mystery revealed as yet to none but me But I 'll be so kind perhaps as to open your Eyes that you may see your Errour Mean Ay do Since you pretend to know things so well let 's hear a little where it is his Affections are so deeply engag'd Catch But tell me first Have you a Curiosity to know it Sir Maur. Surely I think it do's concern us all to be better inform'd about it Catch Shall I name the very Person Mean Ay ay by all means I 'm impatient Catch Well since you desire it so earnestly know Brothers 't is my self Fanning her self and looking big Sir Maur. What you That 's a very good Jest in troth Sister Sister Do you know no body in Town to put this upon but your own Brothers Ha! ha ha Sir Maurice and Meanwell fall a Laughing Catch Bless me Sirs What means all this Wonder You laugh and stare just as if I had said something extraordinary What do you see in me pray that 's so very despicable I am thank God so made as not to need complain of Nature Sir Maur. I vow Brother we have been under a sad Mistake all this while we never knew before we had a Beauty in our Family Catch I know poor Souls if you don 't who it is can yet kill with a Frown and Fetter with a Smile Mean I am sorry Sister the World is blind Catch All the World is not Brother Freeman Belair Courtall Valentin Beaugard Dorimant Belamour stand I think in spite of Envy as so many living Trophies to my conquering Charms Sir Maur. Ha! ha ha all these love you Sister don't they Catch Love me yes I think they do and besides these a great many more tho' I say it I could once have muster'd a whole Regiment of 'em for besides those my Scorns have dispatch'd the Wars have robb'd me of some and the rest I have discarded Mean But pray once in your Life deal Ingeniously with us Did ever any of these Gentlemen tell you they were really in Love with you Catch None ever durst take so much Freedom with me Sir Maur. Freeman I hear gives the worst Characters of you and ridicules you in all Companies Catch That 's only to disguise his Passion and deceive the World the better Mean But what 's the Reason we never see Courtall here Catch 'T is to shew the greatest Respect Sir Maur. Valentin of late makes violent Love to Florimel Catch The Gentleman was forward and that 's the Penance I impose on him for a Month. Mean But what if he should fall to it in earnest and bid adieu to your conquering Charms Catch I don't fear him Brother he values Beauty too much to forsake me Sir Maur. Belamour to my knowledge is Marry'd to Philinda Catch 'T was Despair drove him to it Mean Beaugard I hear keeps a Miss at Greenwich Catch I allow him to acquaint himself with Vice that he may value my Vertue the more Sir Maur. As for Dorimant there is but little Hopes of him He was always a desperate Woman-Hater Cath. He was so Brother before he saw me He is not the first Convert my Looks have made Mean And as for Belair you know well enough Sister that he professes himself an inveterate Enemy to stale Virginities Catch The more Hopes for me then Sir Maur. O' my Conscience Sister these are all Visions Mean Nothing but Chimera's of her own Catch Ay Chimera's Visions Visions and Chimera's nothing but Chimera's Very well I am glad of the Chimera's I did not know before I had Visions and Chimera's Exit Catchat Sir Maur. O' my Conscience Womens Heads now a-days are so stuff't up with their Trash of Romances and Poetry that there is no room left in 'em for Reason or Common Sense Our Sister is Mad stark Mad Brother Mean She has got the Trick of Old Maids poor Creature she builds Imaginary Trophies of Love upon the Ruins of her Beauty and sets as good a Face as she can upon her Sorrows whil'st inwardly she is a continual Prey to uneasie Thoughts and consuming Desires to knawing Despair and tearing Remorse I pity her with all my heart But to return I have engag'd to give Clerimont an Answer Shall he have Mariana or shall he not Sir Maur. Why do you ask again Brother I have consented to it already Mean Then let 's in and joyn your Lady's Consent to yours Sir Maur. What need of that pray Have I not pass'd my Word to you Mean That 's true Brother but still 't wou'd not be amiss I think before I deliver my Message I were sure of her Approbation too for you know she is so Sir Maur. 'T is needless I tell you I 'll answer for my Wife and take the thing upon my self Go you and acquaint Clerimont that he has my free Consent while I discourse with Mariana who comes out seasonably for that purpose Exit Meanwell Enter Mariana and Lucy to Sir Maurice Sir Maur. Come hither Child I have pretty News to tell you Do you know one Clerimont Mar. I have heard of him Sir Sir Maur. What Character has he Mar. The World allows him to be a Man of Wit and Honour Sir Maur. I am glad your Account agrees with mine for I have some Thoughts of making him my Son-in-Law Mar. Oh ravishing News Pardon me dear Sir if I have done ill in concealing from you till now that this same Clerimont you named has already shewn some Inclination for me the return of which I am glad to find is by your Consent approved of Sir Maur. You mistake me Child 't is for your Sister Lovewit and not for you I have given my Word Mar. Oh Heavens what is' t I hear She starts Sir Maur. Is there any thing in this seems so surprising to you Child Mar. Is it possible Clerimont should be so Unfaithful Aside Sir Maur. What means this great Concern Mar. Support me Lucy I shall Faint Sir Maur. Come Child be not so
Witl Upon the word of a Batchelor of Arts not a tittle be there only and I 'll make you Sport I warrant you for this Kindness I 'll so rattle the little Jade before you Trap. On my Conscience this is a wicked World there is no Faith in a Woman who cheats even with her modesty Witl Going Mr. Le Brall remember within an hour Oh the Devil Trap. Following Oh the Woman Exeunt Witless and Trap. Cler. Solus Fortune her Blindness does too plainly show When on an Ass she would her Gifts bestow For though she still desires not to forsake him A Fool 's but what a Man of sense will make him c. ACT IV. SCENE Sir Maurice 's House Enter Lovewit and Catchat Lovew PRay good Aunt what makes you so very earnest to know if that Clerimont be quite out of my mind Catch Kindness to you Child nothing else I know he is Engaged somewhere else and I would not have you love in vain Lovew But still what makes you fancy it so very difficult a thing for me to hate that man Have my Words or Looks at any time betrayed such a mighty Passion for him Catch He boasted of it once how far he had reason to do it you know best Lovew Presumptuous And could you that know me Aunt believe I should make choice of one who counts it a scandal in our Sex to pretend to Wit Catch No dear Niece I could hardly imagine you 'd think that man worthy of your Esteem who takes all occasions to Ridicule the excellent Talents the World admires in you Lovew Unmannerly he spares no body I hear even your self Aunt don't escape his Satyr Catch Stupid Whatever Approbation your Poetry meets with among the Wits he is always the last to commend it Lovew Ignorant I have twenty times read things of your Composing to him which he could not forbear calling Stuff and Nonsence to my Face Catch Impertinent I have had a thousand Quarrels with him upon your account Lovew All this and more perhaps I could have dispensed with but one thing my Philosophy could not forgive him that he had hardly loved me two Years before he began to talk of Marriage Fough Catch Oh the filthy Beast Fough it turns my Stomach I protest Lovew Lord what a bold and impudent Creature is man to dare mention the word Marriage to a Woman of Wit and Fortune For t is no more than with fawning Words and passionate Speeches to desire her very civilly to mend his condition and make her self his Slave Catch Faith Niece 't is e'en so For the soft Joys of Love no longer last When once the fatal Yea our Lips has past Then we begin to court and to comply And find we only Rule while we Deny Lovew Out upon those Treacherous Syrens cruel and bewitching Monsters who charm us into Ruine and greedily devour our Substance Catch But what say you to this Niece I know men in Town who were born with the best Dispositions in the World to make good Husbands who yet as soon as they came to be married lest they should be laugh'd at for their Singularity affected a Peevishness which was not natural to them and rather than their Wives should have the Pleasure or Benefit of their good Humour force themselves into a sullen Temper they are true Friends and merry Companions abroad but very ill Husbands at home and make it their business to appear Good to every body but their own Wives Lovew And must I Caress such an Owl Must I humour such a Fop in every thing Must I obey a Fool who cannot command his Passions and thinks a Wife was given him as the Brutes of the Creation only to serve him No help me Reason and neither Clerimont nor any man living shall ever boast of my Ruine Enter Clerimont who stands behind Lovewit unseen Cler. Why so angry Madam What! a Philosopher and passionate Lovew Were I as angry as you pretend Sir I could perhaps find Reasons to justifie my Resentment a Heart unfaithful and inconstant is a Monster in Love as well as Morality Cler. Can you call that Infidelity Madam which was occasioned by your Slights 'T is true the Sacrifice you disdain'd I have since offered to another but still 't is not I forsook you 't is you dismiss'd me Lovew If I deferred to Crown your Wishes 't was only because you were not indifferent to me I hoped Time would have improved your Love to the Purity and Perfection of mine but your Thoughts I find cannot keep themselves free from the filthy Commerce of the Flesh nor your Soul relish the ravishing Pleasure of the Union of two Hearts when the Body that nauseous nasty Thing does not come in for a Share Cler. It is my misfortune Madam to be sensible that I have a Body as well as a Soul your refined Love is a piece of Philosophy too high for me to comprehend and my Senses stick a little too close to me to leave it in my power to shake 'em off Lovew Oh! what a strange sort of Love you men are for Surely 't was designed for Brutes only Creatures inspired by a Soul Divine should methinks raise themselves higher and not suffer the sweet and fruitful Imagination of Pleasure to be filthily drown'd in an impure and beastly Enjoyment Cler. Platonick Love Madam does not agree with my Constitution my Body is a Rebel and will not always keep subject under the Empire of the Mind I cannot help it Lovew Well then since there is no other way since your brutish Sentiments must carry it against the Purity of my Reasons since none but Carnal Fetters will bind you endeavour to get my Mother's Consent I 'll try if I can prevail with my Philosophy Cler. No Madam it is now too late had this kind Intention of yours Catch I told you as much dear Niece but you would not believe me Cler. My Heart Madam is no more in my power Catch I know that well enough Lovew If your Heart Sir is not in your power mine is and I had rather pierce it than throw it away on one who does not understand the value of it Exit Catch Poor Niece she might have saved her self all this fretting I pity the Child with all my Heart Come Clerimont the time of Ceremony is now over you may speak more freely I give you leave Cler. Speak Madam I have nothing to say but only that I must take my leave of you I have a little business with Sir Maurice within Catch I see you are an exact Lover afraid of breaking any of your Mistress's Commands 'T is true I forbid you this Morning to Express your self too passionately but your Modesty Conquers me Speak your Heart do I will not be Angry Cler. I vow Madam all your words are riddles to me Catch Nay Clerimont can you think me stupid to that degree as not to discern your Passion for me believe me there can be no shame
in Adoring such Beauty as mine you are not the first by a thousand has counted it an Honour to die for this Face Cler. Why all this Fustian to me Madam I am neither blind nor ready to be begg'd for a Fool. Catch I see you are a bashful Lover and to give you the greatest Instance of my Condescension that ever Mortal boasted of I will save you the Ceremony of a Declaration and take it for granted that you die for me is it not so Clerimont Cler. I protest Madam I know nothing of it How shall I get rid of this Devil Aside Well Madam since nothing else will satisfie you and a Declaration you must have give me but time till to morrow and I 'll desire no more Catch Aside This is Formality I 'm sure meer Formality nothing else I know he must come to it at last whether he will or no But come so far I must gratifie a Lover Adieu Clerimont dear Clerimont adieu till to morrow I mean if you can live till then Exit Clerimont Solus Surely angry Heaven could not have plagued Mankind with a greater Curse than these fawning greedy preying Catchats of our Age fond and Libidinous Monsters who Proud when young turn Wanton in their declining and Nature now revenging her self upon 'em they are at last devoured by that Fire they refused to quench before But I must in lest the Fool comes and surprises me before I have seen my Angel Enter Mariana to Clerimont as he is going in Cler. O charming Mariana you are as welcom to me as the Sun to a Traveller after a Storm I have been set upon by two loving persecuting Devils who without any mercy would have robbed you of my Heart but I 'll defend it for you as long as it affords me Life to do it Mar. I trust too much to your Honour and Constancy to fear any Rival but there is a more dangerous Enemy alarms my Love my Mother-in-Law who like a Fury was just now haunting Sir Maurice to fret and torment him into Compliance Cler. As you trust to my Constancy fair Mariana trust also to my Care and Diligence the witty Wife shall not hector long the Plot is ripe and the faithful couple Trap and Lucy bid me not doubt of success Mar. But as to the Directions you sent me in your Note Cler. You know 't is both to make our selves sport with the Cambridge Ninny and to remove the Brute put on for once the Vizard of a Coquet and you shall see rare play Mar. Were it not to secure Clerimont to my Wishes I could never have prevail'd with my self to bestow one kind Word or smiling Look on his Rival Cler. This is the only time Madam I shall ever ask you to dissemble Mar. Then let him come when he will I 'll play the Jesuit for once and while I throw away fond Speeches upon him direct my Intention to you Cler. But here comes the Booby Enter Witless who affects to look sullen and places himself between Clerimont and Mariana Cler. You see Sir I am here beforehand with you but I vow my waiting for you did not at all seem tedious to me Mrs. Meanwell is so transported at the thoughts of her approaching Happiness that she could not forbear telling me a thousand pretty things of her Love or boasting pleasantly how blessed she 'd soon be in a Husband Witl Perhaps so Looking grum upon her Mar. What you a Lover Sir and so long from your Mistress Witl Softly softly Madam To Cler. She comes on rarely Cler. Did not I tell you Sir Mar. Looking on Cler. Oh! how ravish'd how transported am I to see the man my Heart adores I would not change for an Empire the Blessing of so charming a sight Witl to Cler. Oddzookers how brisk she is she takes fire in a moment Cler. Stand upon your Guard Sir stand upon your Guard I say Mar. Oh! I see Love playing in his Eyes and little Cupids hid in every Smile Witl By the University she is Romantick Mar. Looking on Cler. Oh! how impatiently do I live till I am yours Witl ' Dslife she begins to grow uneasie Cler. No doubt of it Sir Mar. to Cler. Defer my Happiness no longer if you love me you are sure of my Heart why should you desire any further Tryal of my Constancy Witl Hold Lady Pert hold not so quick I pray I am not the Fool you imagine thank our Stars the Witlesses are noted in the World for Brains I won't be caught not I. Mar. What means my dear Heart why so alarm'd Witl What do I mean say you I mean that you shan't make a Cuckold of me by the University you shan't Mar. Bless me why such Discourse my pretty Fool Witl Fool your self That 's all forsooth I did not know you before but I am pretty well informed now what you are I 'll not marry a Coquet not I To Cler. There I touch'd her Master Mar. to Cler. Oh! 't is all in vain I love none but you and none but you will I ever have Witl Stop there says Tim I 'll take care of that Miss the Witlesses shall never Reproach me for bringing Infamy into their Honourable Family Mar. Making as if she were crying Oh! I can hold no longer you are too barbarous Tygers are not more Unnatural than you are Cler. to Witl Why so severe upon the Lady Sir I am sorry now I was the occasion of this I protest I am Witl Let her cry what 's that to me Look you Master Marcus Tullius Hudibras says That Women's Tears are like the Crocodile's shed only to pity Fools into Ruine Cler. But Sir Methinks the tenderness of the Sex Witl Sweet Mr. Le Brall let her blubber out her Venom Did you never hear the saying of the wise man in Plutarch When Dogs fall a snarling Serpents a hissing and Women a crying the first means to bite the second to sting and the third to deceive Mar. Sir your Suspicions do me an injury Witl I 'll take care Mrs. Liquorish your Frolicks shall do me none Mar. But won't you hear me Mr. Witless Witl Hear you no I 'll have nothing to do with you my Soul abhors you Farewel coqueting cheating canting cozening Flirt farewel to you for ever Exit Mar. And farewel to you my dear Fool. Cler. You have acted your part to a miracle the Coxcomb seems to be pretty well cured of his Love however for fear of a Relapse I 'll Encourage honest Trap to go on in his Projects Enter Sir Maurice disturbed and in a fright Sir Maur. Oh! are you there Cler. Well Sir have your Arguments prevailed May I flatter my self with the hopes that your Lady Sir Maur. Oh! my Wife is a Devil a very Devil Sir she uses Magick on my Conscience it cannot be otherwise when I am from her no man has more Courage than I I fell my self full of Spirit and Resolution but I am no sooner got to