her into your care whilst I turn this old Limb of Iniquity out of doors here you had a mind to run away now I desire you to walk about your business Be gone thou unnecessary evil Lucin. Let her go I say she seduced me I 'm sure Gov. Oh fie fie Miss Mr. Rich. Begone 't was her canting deceiv'd me what care we ought to take whom we set over our Children Enter Mrs. Rich. So Madam are you satisfied Mrs. Rich. Rage Spite Shame and Resentment at once torment me so base a Coward my Stars I shall go Mad. Mr. Rich. Dear Sister let your Stars alone and learn to shun folly wheresoe'er you find it Mrs. Rich. Then I must shun you my self and all the World You have a set and formal folly I a vain and airy folly but he the basest most betraying folly Mr. Rich. Then redeem your Judgment and stop Censorious mouths by accepting Mrs. Clerimont's Kinsman whom your Woman tells me has a plenfull Estate this will turn the Laughter of the Town upon Sir John and leave you in happy Circumstances Mrs. Rich. I will do something something to plague that fellow Bet. Here comes the Lady I believe to plead in her friends behalf Enter Lady Landsworth and Mrs. Clerimont Mrs. Cle. Ah Madam such a misfortune Mrs. Rich. The whole deceitful world by my Stars I think is full of nothing else Mrs. Cle. But this Madam your bright eyes create Mrs. Rich. I my eyes that 's pleasant Mrs. Cle. The strictness of his Vow racks him for he knows a Lady thus Accomplish'd can never like him as he appears La. Lands Indeed I pity him Mr. Rich. Pray Ladies what 's the Case Mrs. Cle. Alas Sir a Cousin of mine who wants not the goods of Fortune but lies under an obligation to seem the greatest Clown in the Universe till fate has made him reparation for the affront he receiv'd when all his study was Dress and Conversation Mrs. Rich. And has he a good Estate Mrs. Cler. Four thousand a year I assure ye Mr. Rich. Gadzooks what matter is it where ever he is Drest as ye call it again or no. Mrs. Rich. Yes yes that is material upon my word Mr. Rich. Mrs. Cler. Would you consent to marry him for so far his Oath extends believe me Madam he 'd soon break forth to your amazement Mrs. Rich. I profess Ladies you give me such an Air of blushing when I reflect on what ye are tempting me to Mrs. Cler. I profess Mame 't is a very becoming Air. Mrs. Rich. My Stars 't will sound so odd Mrs. Cler. 'T will surprize the Town so prettily Mr. Rich. Zooks 't is the best thing to piece up your fantastical Character 't will surprize the world indeed to see you do a wise thing Mrs. Rich. Speak not you Sir for I yield only to the Ladies Well where is the Gentleman Mrs. Cler. Languishing within Madam condemn'd to silence least his rough hewn expressions shou'd offend Mrs. Rich. De la Bett a pen and Ink perhaps I may expose the Knight and satisfie your friend Your pardon for some moments come with me Neece Lucin. Yes Madam pray let us be reveng'd on this sham Lord you can't think what a lyar he is Mrs. Rich. Your Servant Mrs. Cler. Yours Exit Mrs. Rich. and Lucinda La. Lands Follow Dear De la Bett as thy Lady has it and now show thy Master Piece Bet. I lay my life 't is done I see in her Eyes Mr. Rich. In hopes on 't I 'll get a parson This Widow married my affairs are prosperous and my Daughter and her Fortune return to me Mrs. Cler. Hasten good Sir for this fair Lady and I have a little business of our own Mr. Rich. More Weddings I hope then we 'll have Dancing in abundance come honest De la Bett I promise thee a new portion to thy new name Bet. I 'll endeavour to deserve it Sir Exit Mr. Rich. and Betty Mrs. Cler. My Charming Cousin have not I found a pretty imployment to turn general Match-maker But for the younger Clerimont I own I could do any thing La. Lands I shou'd dissemble worse than I thought he did not to say I 'm pleas'd to find his Character what I so heartily wish'd it Mrs. Cler. To convince ye throughly I have sent for his Landlady whose odd account of him must proceed from folly or malice O here she comes Enter Mrs. Fidget Mrs. Cler. Your Servant Madam 't was not for goods as I pretended I gave you this trouble but to ask after the deportment of my Relation Mr. Clerimont your Lodger La. Lands The wild mad Spark that scarce ever lies at home you know me Madam I suppose Mrs. Fidg. Yes yes Madam in verity I must beg your pardon I did belye the Gentleman abominably belye him La. Lands What provok'd you to it Mrs. Fidg. Truly Ian I contriv'd it thinking it wou'd please your Ladiship La. Lands Ian pray who is Ian Mrs. Fid. My Friend and his Footman Mrs. Cler. My Cousin I am sure was always accounted a very modest sober Gentleman Mrs. Fidg. Modest udsflesh he has not his peer in the whole Town by my fackings he 's a little too modest that 's his fault Mrs. Cler. I dare affirm he 's truly noble not in these straights of Fortune wou'd he quit his Honour to be Great or his Integrity to be Rich. Mrs. Fidg. Or his Religion to be thought a Wit La. Lands Enough Ladies I am fully satisfi'd only to his Love if I have made any impression Mrs. Cler. That this moment you your self shall be judge of he 's coming if you please to retire you shall over-hear me sound his inclinations Mrs. Fidg. Aye there he is Heaven bless him he 's a sweet young man La. Lands Come with me Mrs. Fidget Now Clerimont If thy heart does with generous passion burn Than I with joy will love for love return Exit La. Lands and Mrs. Fidget Enter the younger Clerimont Belvoir and Jack Bell. I have brought him Madam but I am asham'd to say with what reluctancy he flies even you you the fair contriver of his Auspicious Fortunes Cler. I am sure I am asham'd to see you take such pains about a thing not worth your care Mrs. Cler. When the good suffer the vertuous part of humane kind are all concern'd When we suffer by our fate and not our faults Heaven always makes the tryal short and shows an easie way for our deliverance Cler. In vain you sooth me with your friendship did you fully know me you wou'd know there scarce is left a room for hope Mrs. Cler. Suppose there is a Lady in love with you surrounded thus as you are with your misfortunes suppose her Chast and Rich and Fair who tho her eyes never yet encountred yours by my description doats upon a Character so singular and different from your wild Sex Cler. Were she as fair as Women wou'd be thought as vertuous
Enter a Boy Boy Madam Mrs. Trickwell and another Lady is come to teach your Ladyship Shombring I think they call it Mrs. Rich. Ombre Sot I shall be rid of thee thou fragment of the shop De la Bett I 'll go to them if Sir John comes call me not else Exit Mrs. Rich and Boy Enter Lady Landsworth Lansworth My dear Mrs. Betty I 'm glad to find thee alone Betty Your Ladyship does me too much honour L. Lands Thou art so discreet and obliging I cannot love thee too well Where 's thy impertinent Mistress Betty Gone to learn Ombre with a hundred Guinea's in her pocket L. Lands Ha ha ha her pride ill nature and Self-opinion makes her Follies unpitty'd I 'de fain be rid of the nauseous conversation this House abounds with Betty Indeed my City Lady turning Courtier has a hopeful stock of Teachers Mistresses grown old and then forsaken who in the tatters of their Prosperity pass upon her for decay'd Quality Female Gamsters and Fools in abundance L. Lands They are affected without beauty or good cloths tho' that alone 's enough to spoil one that had both their mirth is insipid and their raillery abusive and yet not poinant For my part I 've almost lost my gay humour for fear of being like 'em if I continue here one Week longer I shall ' en exchange the Town where I expected such pleasure for my old Yorkshire retirement Betty Cou'd you but get Mrs. Clerimont to ye Madam she 'd immediately introduce you to the Beau Monde where Wit Gallantry and good Breeding are emulators You say she 's a Relation L. Lands She is so at a distance but you see all mysending will not prevail with her to come at me nor appoint a time when I shall wait upon her what can be the reason Betty I know not unless 't is being here for truly I fancy tho' my Mistress is fled to Covent Garden she is as much despis'd by the real Quality as she is cajol'd by the Pretenders to it You say you are not acquainted with Mrs. Clerimont tho' related to her So perhaps she guesses you of our Stamp and avoids yee For Heavens sake Madam how came yee hither L. Lands Why I 'll tell thee Betty I was married a meer Baby to a very old Man who in his Youth having been a Debauchee and dealing only with the worst of our Sex had an ill Opinion of all kept me like a Nun broke off all commerce to London or indeed with any body not excepting Relations Betty And cou'd you indure this Lady Landsworth Most patiently never found fault with his Woollen Shirts or Night Caps lay all Night to the Musick of his Cough or the ratling of his Ptisick writ nothing but Receipts scarce ever open'd my Mouth but out came how do ye do my dear did the Sirrup I made last please ye Betty Your Ladyship was a Miracle L. Landsworth And what do you think I got by doing thus Betty I don't know but I 'm sure you deserv'd a great Deal L. Landsworth Even Three Thousand Pounds a Year besides Mony Plate and Jewels This Mrs. Rich's Husband was my old Man's Banker and once I saw her in the Country besides she had money of mine in her hands so to her and this dear Town I came resolving to perticipate all the innocent Liberty my Youth my Wealth and Sex desires Betty Ah Madam had our Sex but your forbearance they might all be happy L. Landsworth I am of the mind that Fortune offers every mortal their share of satisfaction but if they pluck the green Fruit forestal her purpose or miss the ripen'd moment they rarely have another prospect Betty Right Madam and is it not the same in Love If a Lady refuses the Man she likes all her Adventures in that kind prove aukward and unlucky after it L. Landsworth Say'st thou so Mrs. Betty well I am resolv'd to indulge my Inclinations and rather than not obtain the person I like invert the Order of nature and persue tho' he flies Betty Impossible one glance of yours subdues the proudest Love-defier of them all L. Landsworth Pho you flatter but seriously my dear Confidant being once condemn'd to Matrimony without ever asking my consent now I have the freedom to make my own choice and the whole World the Mart. ... I have the oddest Whimsies Betty Then your Ladyship intends to venture on a second Marriage L. Landsworth Truly Mrs. Betty I believe so why should we dissemble when we are alone but such a Husband I would have Betty What sort of a Husband let 's hear the Marks that I may try to find the Man L. Landsworth He should be Gentile yet not a Beau Witty yet no Debauche susceptible of Love yet abhorring lew'd Women Learned Poetical Musical without one Dram of Vanity in fine very meritorious yet very modest generous to the last degree and Master of no Estate mightily in Love with me and not so much as know I am worth the Cloaths I wear Betty Ha ha ha to your Romances again Lady fair 't is only there you can converse with those Heros this Town affords no such I can assure you Modest Meritorious and Genteel ha ha ha your Pardon Madam why such a Wight would not get his daily Bread not Rags to cover his Nakedness t is Frontless Impudence makes the Grand appearance and carries the World before it L. Landsworth I suppose I shall increase your Laughter when I tell you I fancy I have found the Man Betty Madam L. Landsworth You know throughly tir'd with the Impertinence within and not being fitted to give or receive Visits I have often rambled with my Woman Incognito and have done the strangest things Betty What for Heavens sake L. Landsworth Even lost my Heart in Love Mrs. Betty desperately in Love Betty With whom Dear Madam L. Landsworth Oh a pretty Gentleman who has all those accomplishments I desire writ in his Face as plain as Betty The Nose in 't I warrant L. Landsworth Yes truly for all your jesting I sate by him in the Play-House and discover'd his Sense as taking as his Figure Betty But where was his modesty when he attack'd a Mask L. Landsworth That 's your mistake 't was I gave the onset nay went farther appointed him a meeting there again injoyn'd him not to dog me nor endeavour to learn who I was which he punctually obey'd Betty And you perform'd your Assignation L. Landsworth Yes indeed last Night and to try his Generosity when the Door-keeper came into the side Box for Money I seem'd in a great fright and said I had left my purse at home he immediately offer'd me a Guinea which tho' I accepted by the melancholy Air of his Face I guess'd it had not a Twin Brother Betty Bless me Madam that pretence and taking his mony made you look like a Woman of the Town L. Landsworth So I design'd I forc'd him to tell me his
if you 'l oblige me you shall spend this day with me and participate of the pleasures I take to morrow some fitter Companion shall shew you what you like better Elder Cler. A match I dan't pass upon 't if I do throw away a day with you Mrs. Cler. We 'l first to the Park and then in the Afternoon to the Play Toby Ay d' ye ' Master do ye Udslid I ha long'd to zee a Play e'er since I zaw the Poppet-shew at our Vare Elder Cler. Come my poor Dogs Evads Coz. you 'l scarce think it I de as lieve kiss this poor Creature as e'er a Lady in Christendom I 'm sure her Breath's as sweet they 'l not like London we must hasten down again Toby Toby Ay Master when we 've zeen a little here 's rare vine Voke Mrs. Cler. Lead Mr. Belvoir Belvoir We shall be the Sport of the Park Mrs. Cler. No matter my Cousin shall Gallant me Elder Cler. Come on i'faith Follow Toby Scene the Park Enter Lady Landsworth and Mrs. Betty L. Lands He refus'd it my best Confidante Nobly despis'd the shining Gold By all my amorous Stars he has bravely won my Heart Panting and warm I feel him there Oh! the dear God of my desire Betty In Raptures nay then you are lost indeed Ha! here comes my Lady and her worthy Train Enter Mrs. Rich Sir John c. Mrs. Rich. My Lady Landsworth Let us only make our Honours en passent Mon Dieu I did not think 't had been in her I protest to a Miracle Mrs. Rich Courtsey's to L. Landsworth with ridiculous Airs L. Landsworth mimicks her Sir John Shall we not Address Mrs. Rich. No no no no. Away to the Mall Sir John Ah me Looking amorously on L. Landsworth L. Lands There 's a Foil to my Hero What a languishing Air the Fop put on When such Stuff as that enters into my Thoughts I shall turn Girl again and play with Babies Mrs. Bett. See! Who walks there in Mourning L. Lands Bless me You made me start 'T is he Yes that 's the shape where manly Majesty 's Triumphant Who wou'd not be in love with Sorrow when they see it in that Face Who wou'd not long to remove the Cause and dress it up in charming Smiles Forgive me Virtue Forgive me Love if I a little farther make the Trial Now to disguise my Face and Heart Clasps on her Mask and walks carelesly off Enter Clerimont and Jack Jack Do ye think ye shall know her Sir Cler. Know her 'T is impossible to mistake Gay as the gaudy Sun or distant flowry Fields She moves like Air and throws her Charms around But be not caught my Soul She is what I wou'd still abhor a Name wou'd blacken her Lilly'd Bosom and wither all the Roses that spread that face of Beauty Jack But Sir If she has a World of Money Sir Cler. Peace Fool Jack I ha' done Sir But abundance of Money covers a multitude of Faults That 's all Sir Cler. Blockhead Why so fast fair Lady At this rate by that time a Man has over-taken ye he 'l have lost the Breath he shou'd imploy in saying fine things Will ye not stay L. Lands Not stay Yes stay an Age fixt never to remove An everlasting Monument of Love I know you doat upon Heroique I have been Reading three whining Plays this morning that I may Love in your strain Cler. For Heaven's sake tell me truly what thou art for sure there 's something in thee I so love and hate that were my Fortune kind I shall ne'er be happy more L. Lands I 'l tell ye with a truth equal to the freedom I use for sincerity is all the Virtue I pretend to It was my first Fate to be kept by an Alderman but he was formal stiff and too suspicious for my humor so I fled from him into the Arms of a brisk airy young Collonel then the Days were spent in Revels When he went to Flanders I Campaign'd it too but ah as I had dress'd my fluttering Hero up like any Bridegroom a saucy Bullet came and spoil'd the work of Tailers Milleners and fifty Trades besides Down dropt the Beau. Cler. You speak this without any Concern L. Lands Alass grieving for the Dead wou'd spoil us for the Living Now I 'am a Perquisite of a Country Gentleman a Man of Gravity and one of the pious Senators a great Stickler against Wenching and Prophaneness He allows me Wealth enough and Liberty enough Besides him I have two or three Interlopers each fancying himself my Particular when for my part I care nor a straw for any of ' em But ah amongst my numerous Lovers I know not how Myrtillo has crept too near my Heart That 's meaning you Sir Cler. The Relation freezes up my Youthful Blood and checks Desire with horror Does none tell thee what a Wretch thou art L. Lands None They call me Goddess Angel and court me with unbated Fires the first the very earliest Product of the Year Dainties sit for Queen's Tables still load the Board far fetch'd Wines such as unbend the Soul from Cares and lock up every Thought that wou'd disturb us yet amidst this flowing plenty amidst this Crowd of Flatterers my aukward Fancy sickens at their offer'd Loves loaths their soft Indearments and builds its sole happiness in manly roughness like Yours Cler. Thou art one of Nature's Favourites form'd when she was gay and deckt in her own Smiles yet me you cannot charm there 's a Rustick out of fashion-grace a modest Innocence which only takes my Soul nor can I value Favors that may be bought with any other Price than Love L. Lands Aside He speaks as my own Heart had Coin'd the Words I wou'd not be too Credulous Believe me Sir I am not us'd to Woo or be Refus'd but I perceive when once we Love we quit our Pride I can bear Reproof from you and rather than not see ye see you still to chide me Cler. No. I must fly if I 'de be safe I cannot boast a Virtue Stoiceal enough to behold you with Indifference those Eyes were made to Conquer Oh pity that they scatter Contagion only I could crawl low as the Earth to touch that beauteous hand but when I reflect a sensless Fop for some vain Present may riffle all those Sweets then I cou'd eat my Lips e'er join 'em to Infection Farewel L. Lands Stay but some Moments longer I have a few things more to offer hear 'em perhaps I ne'er may trouble you agen Cler. I shall be Fool'd at last believe her Love trust her and be undone What wou'd ye say L. Lands Come this way lest we are observ'd They walk backward Jack and Betty come forward Jack Is thy Lady so plaguy Rich say'st thou Damsel Betty Rich Why she values a Hundred Pounds no more than I do a Brass Farthing She makes nothing to present a Man she likes with a Coach and Six and your
told Mrs. Fidget Well Saucy-face But Mr. Clerimont what I have said is all for your good and I hope you do take it into your Consideration For truly to day â—here came a very pretty Lady and notwithstanding your Order I sent up the Coachman I am willing to bring you to Preferment Cler. Bring me to the Pox and the Devil Mrs. Fidget Marry gap is this my Thanks Cler. I tell ye I am tir'd of these morning Lectures and if my Lodgings cannot be free from noise and impertinence I must quit them Follow me Jack I 'll take the air Exeunt Mrs. Fidget So out of sorts and gone without giving me my Mornings-Draught Why Master John Master John give me the Key of the Closset I must rummage it for a Dram of the Bottle Udsflesh I shan't be in humour again this half hour the Man 's a fool I think When Beauty courts the charming Pleasures shun Be vertuous tho' he 's sure to be undone He 's mad Udsflesh I 'd sooner turn a Nun. Exit Scene draws and discovers Mrs. Rich Mrs. Trickwell and Lady la Basset Rising from Play Mrs. Trickwell to Mrs. Rich. I protest your Ladyship plays to a miracle but I wou'd not have had you ventur'd Money yet Mrs. Rich. Oh pardon me Madam I should not have minded it else But do you think I shall ever be capable La Basset Why you are perfect already a wonderful apprehension Mrs. Rich. Oh fie My Lady la Basset you compliment in reality may I hope to play at Court I have a great ambition to play at Court Oh my Stars I shou'd torment our City Ladies to death to talk of Honours done me at Court La Basset Yes yes you shall be introduc'd and honour'd at Court I 'll promise ye or my Interest fails me and for setting it out let me alone I 'll make their Ears tingle I faith Mrs. Rich. Oh my dear dear Lady Basset let me imbrace ye the very conception on 't is felicity to the highest degree Mon Dieu How we 'll teaze the little Citty Creatures Enter Mrs. Betty Madam Sir John Roverhead is come to wait on you and has got some Musick to entertain your Ladyships Exit Betty Mrs. Rich. Oh Heavens That Master of Accomplishments Instruct me dear Ladies how to receive him Lady Basset Seem in a Cabal then burst out a laughing and let fall some misterious Words that tend towards Scandal Mrs. Rich. Good ridiculous to the highest degree that ever a Woman of her Quality shou'd make such a faux pas the Town will ring on 't Oh my Stars 'T is something so odd ha ha ha ha Mrs. Trickwell Transportingly foolish Yet it makes me laugh ha ha ha ha La Basset Who can forbear ha ha ha Enter Sir John Pardon Ladies the interruption may I participate I dye to laugh in consort with Women of your Wit and Merit Mrs. Rich. Oh fie Sir John 't is a secret upon my word we must be tender of our own Sex you are but too well acquainted with our weakness Scandal of an hour old is as much out of date with you as a Gazette in the Afternoon to the Sots that hunt forreign News Sir John News gad Madam there 's no such thing there 's nothing new under the Sun the World is a continual round of nauseous repetition in the last Generation and this young Girls were mad for Husbands then mad to get rid of 'em Sharpers had their Cullies Gamesters their Fools Physicians kill'd their Patients and were paid for 't Lawyers got Estates and their Clients were undone with Suing for 'em Courtiers Promises and Bullies Oaths ever made a great Noise and signify'd nothing Mrs. Rich. Satyrical I vow Why you are in a mortifying way Sir John Sir John Indeed scarce sit to appear before your Ladyship I have had a Billet-doux from a Woman of Sixty which has given me the Spleen to that degree I could our-rail a Hypocritical Fanatick Mrs. Rich. Sixty Pleasant I protest Sir John She 's a walking Memento mori I have suffer'd some time under the persecution and in bitterness and Gall instead of Ink have wrote a Stanza to shew how awkardly an old Woman makes advances Mrs. Rich. Oh dear Sir John let us have it La Basset We are all Petitioners Sir John You shall Command me Ladies SONG by Sir John DElia tir'd Strephon with her Flame While languishing she view'd him The well dress'd Youth despis'd the Dame But still old Puss pursu'd him Some pitty on a Wretch bestow That lies at your Devotion Perhaps near Fifty Years ago Some might have lik'd the Motion No Heart like mine did ever burn I 'm rich too I 'le assure you And I must tell you in return You 're uglier than a Fury If you proud Youth my Flame despise I 'le hang me in my Garters Why then make hast to win the Prize Among Love's foolish Martyrs Can you see Delia brought so low And make her no Requitals Delia may to the Devil go For Strephon stop my Vitals I 'le be as Constant as a Dove And always we 'l be Billing No more damn'd Stories of your Love Your very Breath is killing These Eyes for you shall learn to shine That twinkle in their Sockets I 'le never in a Cellar dine When I may go to Lockets What in my Charms and Youth I want I 'le make it up in Duty Prithee leave off this foolish Cant I 'le stoop to nought but Beauty After the Song Mrs. Trickwell to Mrs. Rich aside Mrs. Trickwell Did you observe how my Lady la Bassett Ey'd Sir John Mrs. Rich. Yes and am pleas'd with it I would not have a Fellow pretend to me that all the Fine Women in Town are not fond of Our Thanks in abundance 't is wonderful pretty To Sir John Sir John Your Pardon harsh and untunable like the Subject Enter Mrs. Betty Betty speaking to Mrs. Rich aside Mr. Rich will not be answer'd Madam I had much ado to keep him out here Mrs. Rich. Ladies let me beg you would take Sir John into the Drawing-Room and entertain him a moment A hideous Citizen will tease me about a little Business but I 'll dispatch him in the third part of a Minute and rejoyn the Agreeable Conversation Sir John We shall wait with Impatience Madam Exeunt severally Enter Mr. Rich meeting Mrs. Rich and Betty Betty There he walks Madam he would stay in spight of me Mrs. Rich. Ah Mr. Rich What design brings you hither Your Absence this Day would have been very obliging but since you are here let 's finish pray as soon as you can Well what 's the Business Mr. Rich. Hey-day What 's this Good Madam Rich my Sister-in-Law how despisingly you talk Hark ye hark ye this Behaviour does not become ye and without telling you what relates to me you 'll one Day repent of your ridiculous way of living and carriage Mrs. Rich. An Elbow-Chair Betty I foresee Mr. Rich
cold and scornful Jack Pho Pho she 's as wanton and warm as er'e a one of your Daughters after a zealous Fit of Devotion Fidget Impudence how dare you mention my Daughters so irreverently Jack Nay no harm come let 's in and take a Glass to clear our Understanding and ripen our Plot. Fidget You are an unlucky Dog I see it in your Face and will never bring it to any thing Jack Thou art Old enough to be a Prophetess only Truth and you were at mortal Odds ever since you eat Chalk and Tobacco pipes Fidget Thou art a Rogue but Sack shall attone Jack Come then Exeunt Scene change to Mrs. Rich's House Enter Mrs. Rich Lady La Basset and Mrs. Trickwell Mrs. Rich. Here Fellows stand at all your several Posts and let the World know I am at home I will appear in State Mrs. Trick Why does not your Ladyship establish your Visiting-days Mrs. Rich. I have Mrs. Trickwell and the rude Town takes no Notice of 'em wou'd you believe it I have sat ye five six hours and not a Soul but an ill-bred Citizen's Wife whose unconscionable Visit lasted the whole time and her whole Discourse let me dye of the awkward Brutes her Children A my Soul they were begot by her Husband the things were so ungenteel Mrs. Trick Ha ha ha ha what a prodigious deal of Wit your Ladyship has Mrs. Rich. So amongst our selves I think too yet wou'd you believe that ill-manner'd Oaf my Husband's Brother had the confidence to tell me the envious World said I was a Fool my Lady Basset a Fool wou'd you believe it I say that Parts and sheer Wit cou'd be so malign'd La Basset 'T is a censorious World Aside I begin to hate her tho' I win her Money now she 's likely to get Sir John from me Enter Lucinda Lucin. O Mame your La ' Ships humble Servant Mrs. Rich. So that 's pretty well give your self Airs Child When I admit ye into my Company Umph pluck up your head What! no motion with your Fan Ah 't is awkward but sure by my Example she 'l learn Mrs. Trick To be redicuous Aside Mind your Aunt Miss if you 'd be the Emblem of Perfection Mrs. Rich. Fie fie Mrs. Trickwell you flatter me Lucin. O la I can't make my Fan do like my Aunt 's Mrs. Rich. O my Stars she 'l make a horrid Person of Quality But prithee Neice how dost thou know this Lord loves thee hey Lucin. Oh Mame he has told me so and my Governess says 't is unmannerly not to believe a Lord besides he makes Verses on me Mrs. Rich. Verses O my Stars what a Theme he has chose let 's see ' em Lucin. Here Aunt they be pure Verses there 's a hugeous deal of Love in ' em Mrs. Rich. Reads I love you charming Fair one more Then ever Mortal lov'd before And tho' to my surprizing Joy The little wanton bearless Boy Has heard my Prayers and made you feel The amorous sharpness of his Steel Confusion seize me if my heart Don't with a mightier Passion smart La Bass. What do I hear Aside And have you the Impudence to say this Poetry was design'd for you Lucin. Mame Mrs. Rich. Monkey the Girl has stolen 'em out of my Cabinet Lucin. Aunt Mrs. Rich. Hold your peace be gone and let me never see that young bewitching Face again La Bass. I can hold no longer the Verses belong to me Lucin. The Verses belong to you that 's furiously impossible as my Aunt says how should my Lord know you to make Verses of you you may look high indeed but not so high as a Lord sure Mrs. Rich. But my Stars that's well enough have I not bid ye go ye little Impertinence there must be some Mistake Lucin. There must so Mame I warrant your Lover has begg'd 'em of my Lord and given 'em you Mrs. Rich. Unlucky Creature will ye go Lucin. Yes I 'le find my dear Lord and ask him Not that I care for the Verses so I have the Man Exit Mrs. Rich. What a Confusion I am in if I break with Lady Basset she may expose my foibless to the whole Town and to brook a Rival Walks disturb'd Mrs. Trick Observe how Mrs. Rich is disturb'd here we shall lose a Bubble for your foolish Love affair La Bass. Confound her have I kept Sir John and run all the Risques in the Universe to maintain his Port and shall he dare Address without my Leave Mrs. Trick 'T was ever so Lady Basset we little Ones doat upon the handsome Footman first make a hard shift to Equip him then some topping Dame swoops the drest up Fellow and he forgets his Original La Bassat I 'll lower his Top-Sail and make him know he 's mine and only mine Mrs. Rich. Is it any happy thing we know my Lady that has the Honour to be yours and only yours La Basset Yes verily a thing you are fond off and to convince ye how vain all your hopes are know he Sacrifices all his Fools to me here 's a List of 'em chaw upon 't and Farewell Exit Mrs. Rich. Mondieu she has won three Hundred Pound of my Money and now she Picks a Quarrel with me Civil I protest Mrs. Trick Ungrateful Wretch should I forsake my Friend Mrs. Rich. Never whilst they have Three Hundred Pound left 't is against the Rule of Prudence Mrs. Trick Alass Madam what d' ye mean Mrs. Rich. Your Pardon Mrs. Trickwell I mean nothing I am angry with the whole World will Indulge my ill Nature and never bless 'em with a smile agen Mr. Trick I thought your Ladyship wou'd have allow'd your Lover to have been beloved Mrs. Rich. But not to Love ' there 's the Destinction To increase my spleen let 's see what this Fury has left Reads A List of the Fools that doat on my proper person So. Dorimene the Back-biter at the Gilt-Post in Twatling Square Very well The Rich Amorous Banker's Widow removed from behind the Exchange at the Citizens Folly into Covent-Garden Oh! how I hate my self for having loved him Miranda the Gilt in Scotland-yard Arabella the Affected in Pride Lane at the Dressing Box. The Lady Hazard under the Doctors care in Covent-Garden at the Magdalene He 's a Monster The Fat Marchioness with her Shinning Face near the Red-House in Plaisterstreet Villain I 'll see him no more Betty Betty Madam Mrs. Rich. 'T is resolved on I 'le see Sir John no more Betty I believe I hear him Mrs. Rich. Whither do you go Betty I 'me going to meet him Madam to tell him you 'l see him no more Mrs. Rich. No no Betty let him come in I will confound him and see with what Impudence he 'l justify this List. Betty Here he is Madam Enter Sir John Sir John Ah! are you there Madam you cannot imagine my impatience till I see you Mrs. Rich. From what quarter of the Town come you Sir
a high Wind or a Shower firights into Fits of the Mother I dispise en Mrs. Rich. Oh my Stars who has your Ladyship got with yee Mrs. Cler. Let me beg your private Ear that Man is the greatest Nicest Beau in Christendom Mrs. Rich. Ye amaze me Madam Mrs. Cler. Very true upon my Word That fellow there that looks so like a Johnâ—a Nokes is the Jemmest Valet a Countess has been in Love with him Mrs. Rich. O my Stars can I believe you Mrs. Cle. You may no Creture knows it but my self I beg ye keep it a secret especially from Sir John or murder will ensue Mrs. Rich. I engage oh I love a secret extremely but what could be the occasion Mrs. Cle. A Lady affronted him and he swore never to address again but in this strange disguise because his Mistress chose his rival only for having his Wigg better powder'd he 'll not alter this behaviour nor dress till some other Lady makes him amends He 's my relation I wonder you can't perceive some Airs of greatness thro those Clouds Mrs. Rich. Not I I protest but the more naturally he does it he shows his parts the more Mrs. Cle. He calls his Gentleman Toby Cou'd you think one bred a Page had power to put on such a shuffling Gate Mrs. Rich. 'T is a diverting whimsie now one knows it He he he Sir Joh. Won't ye give me leave to laugh with ye Ladies at those strange figures I beg it of ye for I am ready to burst Mrs. Rich. It may be dangerous Sir John and I advise you to keep your countenance How pretty 't is to know a thing the rest of the Company does not El. Cle. Come Cuz what must we do next we ha' stared about us long enough Madam Ha'yee ne're a Smoaking Room and a Cup of hearty March ha Toby Ay fackins had Master and I been at e're a Gentleman's house i' th' Country by this time we had been half Seas-over Udsnigs Mrs. Rich. Rarely performed I vow Mrs. Cle. Now must I keep up the humour and pretend to direct him Fie Cousin talk of drinking before Ladies you shou'd entertain them with fine Conversation and Songs El. Cle. I dan't pass and I do gi' yee a Song come a Hunting Song Sir Joh. Ridiculous Mrs. Rich. Better and better by my Stars Sir Joh. She seems pleas'd to Mrs. Trick Mrs. Trick I am in the dark Mrs. Rich. Excellent Sir Joh. Excellent abominable Mrs. Cle. Now if you please Madam we 'll pay a Visit to my Lady Landsworth my Cousin said he wou'd return Mrs. Rich. Withal my heart I believe she 's not at home but the opportunity will show my apartments Sir Joh. Madam my hand Mrs. Rich. Your pardon Sir John this Gentleman 's a stranger Sir Joh. Preferr'd to me El. Cle. Stand by Muskcat you see the Gentlewoman likes ye not Toby Well done Master egad he 'll put by a hundred such Limberham'd Beaus as you egad he will cram 'em in a Mouse-hole I fakings Mrs. Cle. Ah poor Sir John e'en take that tatter'd Frigat and be content Mrs. Trick Le ts follow and find out the meaning Sir Joh. Ye Gods and Goddesses Hell Devils and Furies I 'll be reveng'd Toby Ha ha ha what strange Oaths he has Exeunt SCENE Change to younger Cleremont's Lodgings Enter Clerimont and Jack Cle. Where is she how my desires are changed Triumphant Love prevails a thousand fires shot from those fair Eyes have warmed me a thousand Arguments pleading all for Pleasure lead me on the Lord within plants and heaves my bosom whilst circling tides rowl round a pace and give tumultuous joys Jack Ay marry Sir now you look and breath another Man good fortune is your slave she always waits upon the bold Cle. And what know I but the coy Dame who hides her Face at the least word a wry and blushes to be gaz'd on has in her heart looser fires than my gay Mistress How many an honest wretch that ask'd wou'd swear his Arms infolded a Lucrece yet truly hugs in the dissembled Saint a vile Jilt Jack Right Sir right oh I cou'd burn my Cap for joy to see you thus Cle. She 's coming and seems in busie talk let us not disturb her Enter Lady Landsworth and Betty Betty As soon as ever my Lady was ingaged I fled to over-take ye Madam La. Lands 'T was kindly done Yonder he stands methinks I hate him now he has lost that modest sweetness which caught my unwary Soul his looks are wild and lewd and all I ever fear'd in men appears in that deceitful face I would I were away Betty Nay Madam make this last trial since you have gone so far Cle. May I yet approach La. Lands You may I do remember when we parted last 't was on odd terms nature seemed reverst you fled and I pursued in vain I practised all my Charms and tryed my utmost Art in vain your Vertue like the Mountain Snow the nearer I advanced congeal'd the more and in the bloom of youth rigid and cold as frozen Age you awed me with severity Are ye still thus resolv'd Cle. Oh no I am alter'd quite my very Soul 's on fire do not my Eyes speak for me I languish burn and die La. Lands Then we have conquer'd and like Libertines we 'll rove tire every Pleasure tread rounds of joy the Insipid world shall wonder at but never know to taste Jack Nay we shall live a delicious life that 's certain ha my dear Damsel Betty Peace and mind your betters Cle. What musick 's in that voice it dances thro my ears and puts my heart in tune not painted Cherubs not the first dawn of chearful day or opening Spring is half so pleasing Oh thou art Rapture all and all Divine down at thy lov'd sight each Sense drinks deep draughts of joy La. Lands Throw off these mourning weeds and let me dress thee extravagant as my desires like a Queen's favourite for I wou'd be profuse Jack Lard Lard how fine we shall be Cle. If there must be profusion let it be in Love there lay out all thy Stock let days and nights and years serve only to count the acts of Love La. Lands Yes and teach us to deceive my Keeper his Purse must help our Riots his Credulity supply our Mirth Cle. Ah why hast dash'd my rising Extasies with the detested thought that thou art shar'd but in thy Arms I 'll lose the goading torment in those blissful moments I 'm sure thou art only mine my Life my All Embraces her La. Lands Stand off thou Monster viler worse than Man let thy Contagious breath infect at distance I will remove thee from my sight and from my Soul as far as thou art gone from Honour Truth and Honesty Jack Here 's a turn ye Gods why what 's the matter now Cle. Madam La. Lands Speak not nor dare to stay me for I 'll leave thee like thy good Genius in thy
distressful hours never to return Oh I cou'd Curse my self my Follies to believe there was Vertue in thy Sex thou vile dissembler May it return upon thee dissembled be thy Joys dissembled be thy Friends above all may thy Mistress prove the Abstract of Dissimulation Cle. Hear me but speak La. Lands No hast thee to some Mart of Luxury and Shame Preach there but defile my ears no more away my Friends away Let 's fly that wretch fly â—im and all mankind Now for the Curst pursuer leave a track behind Ex. La. Lands and Betty Cle. What 's the meaning of all this Jack Mad Sir raving Mad. Cle. Can she be honest Jack Impossible had she the roguish Lear the Tip the Wink the every thing Cle. Peace raskal she is and not the world shall hide her from me Jack Now must we go upon Knight Errantry nay heaven be prais'd we are as poor as Knight Errants already Cle. Fly Search Inquire She cannot must not long remain unknown She 'll be discover'd by her Charms alone I 'll find I 'll claim I 'll seize her for my own Breath at her feet my Vows nor thence remove Till I am blest with her returning Love ACT V. Enter Clerimont Mrs. Fidget and Jack Cle. SUre 't was all a Dream I neither saw nor lik'd nor lov'd it was a Dream the Gaudy Vision 's vanish'd and I am waked again to my calamities or grant it real what had I to do with Love Loves the gay Banquet of luxurious hours he shakes his golden wings and flies detested Poverty To downy Couches under gilded roofs he flies There lays his wanton head there revels in the fair ones Eyes Jack Sir Sir Cle. When the poor joyn they hardly taste a night of Peace Strife traces Hymens steps so close the haggard thrusts between at Bed at Board and drives the gentle God away Oh! my distracted thoughts Why do ye follow me Is misery denied the privelege to be alone Mrs. Fid. Ah Sir 't is that unlucky dog your Man has done this Jack Hist Mrs. Fid. Nay it shall out Cle. What has he done Speak Mrs. Fid. Why Sir Jack Peace I say ye ungrateful Cockatrice now will not all the Sack I have ramm'd down that unconscionable throat keep this poor secret in tho upon my word I meant it for the best Believe that I beseech you Sir Cle. What 's the matter What have ye said Mrs. Fid. Ay said there ye have hit it he has said enough by my troth Jack I am sure you always say too much Mrs. Fid. Say ye so Sirrah know then Sir that hopeful Rogue gave ye such a Character to the young Gentlewoman 't wou'd have frighted the Devil Jack And what said you Mrs. Dalilah Mrs. Fid. Even the same by thy instigation thou Tempter Jack Keep that name to your self it belongs to you Woman I thought Sir she lov'd nothing but a Rake a Madman I did all for the best indeed I did Sir Cle. No matter 't is the malice of my Fate which wou'd have found an Instrument hadst thou been silent Mrs. Fid. Come hang Melancholy and cast away Care my mind gives me this Damsel will wheel about agen I never yet knew Man or Woman weary of an Intrigue when 'thas gone no further than yours has done Jack Right There ye are in the right I'faith Landlady Mrs. Fid. Well sawce you 'll never leave your Impudence Landlady Blockhead Jack Thank ye Madam Enter Belvoir Bel. Still with folded arms and looks of sorrow I come to cheer thee my Friend to make thee laugh to give thee lasting joy Cle. Impossible Bel. Thy Brother is fallen in Love with the fantastical Widow Rich her Wealth and Beauty has Charm'd him Ye know that he is possess'd of a great Estate He never had management enough to be master of Money and hearing the Widow has so much he is distracted for 't whilst she takes him for a Beau in Masquerade is wonderfully pleas'd and I believe will be a Match Cle. And what 's all this to me Bel. Oh! much to your advantage for he has promis'd Mrs. Clerimont if she can bring this Marriage to pass he will resign that part of the Estate to you your Father in his life time had design'd ye Cle. There thou speak'st comfort that suits my wishes for I wou'd fain Travel but want the means Bel. Travel Cle. My Friend 't is not Wealth can make me happy now Jack Ah Sir but Wealth 's a good stroak I see Providence has not quite forgot us Bel. Whatever you have resolv'd I beg ye to go this moment with me to Mrs. Clerimont's A busie minute now is worth a lazy year Cle. Do even what you please with me Bel. Come on then Mrs. Fid. Good luck attend ye Exeunt SCENE Mrs. Rich's House Enter Mrs. Rich and two Footmen Mrs. Rich. I design a Ball to night sots and wou'd have if possible you Rascals clean and you d' ye hear Enter Lady Basset and Vermin La. Bas. I 'll fright this little pretender to Quality till she either quits Sir John or buys him of me at a good round rate he has made many a penny of me now 't is time to retaliate Madam send off your Footmen I wou'd speak with ye alone Mrs. Rich. Madam La. Bas. Be gone Scoundrels or I shall drive ye hence Mrs. Rich. Fellows be near me I know not what her design is La. Bas. My design is honourable Mrs. Rich. Heavens What can she mean La. Bas. Base Coward are ye afraid Mrs. Rich. Afraid Madam I I La. Bas. Come no dallying you have rob'd me of Sir John I demand satisfaction Mrs. Rich. O my Stars This is extravagant to the last degree Alas Madam what satisfaction can a Lady give to a Lady L. Bas. I 'd have thee fight Dare you set up for Quality and dare not fight pitiful Citizen 'T is for thy honour 't is modish too extreamly French and agreeable to thy own phrase I 'll have thee fight I say Mrs. Rich. What need I when I have Conquer'd already Can I help the power of my Eyes or Sir John's sensibility My Stars this is prodigious What Weapon must we use in this unusual Combat hey Madam La. Bas. D' ye make a jest on 't Sword and Pistol Madam Mrs. Rich. Oh Heavens I swoon at the sight of either La. Bas. Thou art the Off-spring of an Alderman I of Quality I can Fight Ride Play equal the Men in any Vertue or Vice Thou little Creature yield or sa sa Thus for Sir John Sa sa Mrs. Rich. The Woman 's mad Will ye come in my house and murder me La. Bas. Look is this a Jest Draws a Pistol Mrs. Rich. Murder Murder Jack Geffery George Help Help Enter Mr. Rich. Mr. Rich. Hey day What 's the House turn'd into a perfect Bedlam learning to fence Madam Whimsical Mrs. Rich. Oh Brother save me from that furious Woman and I 'll submit for the future to
as they were of old e're 't was fashionable to be false had she Wealth would satisfie the Vain the Miser the Ambitious so far am I from once consenting to what your kindness has propos'd I woud not to rid me of half my Sorrows so much as see her Bel. Ah my friend this must be some prepossession you already are in Love Cler. It is enough to say I am a fool must search the world and know it better e're I pretend to speak my thoughts If Madam from my Brother ye can procure my Father's first design I shall own my self eternally oblig'd and trouble ye no more Mrs. Cler. I sigh to say it is not in my power since you refuse the advantageous offers of the Lady's love Cler. Then all I beg is that ye wou'd inquire for me no more There is no warding the blows of Fate the wretch that 's doom'd unfortunate no Arm of Power can save Bell. But you look thro despair Believe me friend 't is a false Glass Fortune has a fairer Face to shew you Mrs. Cler. That pleasing task be mine Madam you here the Gentleman is obstinate but now Sir if you are not charm'd with this appearance you have a relish different from the universal World Re-enter Lady Landsworth and Mrs. Fidget Cler. Ha! 't is she 't is she here let me fix thus let me clasp my Bliss thus for ever secure my only valued treasure Jack Ay 't is she 't is she egad and my Landlady too Mrs. Fid. Yes Manners your Landlady too La. Lands And dare you venture upon me after the Alderman the Colonel and the Senator Cler. My Eyes shou'd have contradicted all other Sences sweet Innocence is writ in that dear face and Vertue in her brightest Characters Mrs. Cler. Vertuous and Great the Charming Widow of Sir John Landsworth Her Husband formerly I believe you have seen What cou'd you ask of Fate more than to love and be belov'd by her Cler. And have I been repining when the bounteous Heavens were pouring such lavish Blessings down Oh! my ravish'd Soul My first my only dear La. Lands 'T is wondrous pretty when Love's soft passion first invades our breast it brings a thousand Charms a thousand Joys unknown before but ah too often in your Sex rowling time or some newer face puts out the kindly flame and the forsaken Fair is left to live and languish on the kind Words which she will hear no more What can secure me from such a Fate Not even your present thoughts for they may change Cler. Never my Charmer never To look on thee secures a heart like mine from roving To hear thee talk will fix me for ever in the Chains of Love But oh to have thee all there words cannot aim there breath is lost in extasie Mrs. Cler. Here 's a world of fine things tho' I am a little of the Lady's mind 't will scarce hold out seven years Bel. So there 's two in perfect happiness I hope Madam you that were so Compassionate to others will not your self be cruel but reward my constant vows nor let me longer sigh in vain Mrs. Cler. Mr. Belvoir I have allow'd you too long a favour'd Lover in honour to go back we are as good as married already Bel. No my dear Angel the greatest sweet's to come Mrs. Cler. Ay and the sowre too that 's the worst on 't Look here 's another happy Couple Enter elder Clerimont Mrs. Rich Mr. Rich Lucinda Betty and Toby Mrs. Rich. Well Ladies what d' ye think I have been doing since I went out by my Stars a world of business and that 's a thing I hate writ a Billet-doux to the Beau in appearance married the Beau in a disguise given occasion for forty Stories and fifty Lampoons ha ha ha I have done it all in a humour by my Stars Mrs. Cler. E'en carry it on Madam never have a grave fit and repent I say El. Cler. Yes faith I 'm sped and all o' th' sudden she 's handsomer trath than our Sh'riff's Daughter How they 'll stare Toby when she shows her paces thro' our Alley to the great Pew Brother Charles how came you here Well I 've gin the Writings into Cousin's hands Udslids does that pretty Lady belong to you Why this is a rare place for handsome Women by my troth Mrs. Rich. Come Sir the Transformation has been Comical enough but now I beg you to reassume your former Mein and Dress and let me make as great a sacrifice to you as the Lady made of you Mrs. Cler. Oh dear Belvoir say something to keep in my laugh or I 'm undone Bel. I dare not lift up my eyes nor scarce open my lips to let my words out Mr. Rich. I confess my Gravity is put to the Test now Mrs. Rich. Come Mr. Clerimont will ye hasten pray dress immediately because I expect Sir John this moment El. Cler. Yes fags I 'll dress as soon as I can get my Cloaths made and since I 'm Wed I 'll bestow more money than I thought by five pound Mrs. Rich. Nay now the humour 's tiresome here 's only Friends Bet. Oh Madam I shall break my Lace Cler. What 's the meaning of all this La. Lands The tittering Damsel behind ye can tell Mrs. Rich. Come I wou'd not for a thousand pound Sir Jan shou'd find you thus this is carrying the Jest too far Speak to him Madam Mrs. Cler. Indeed Madam I fear it must go a little farther for to tell ye the plain truth he has the Estate I mention'd and is my Relation but for the Accomplishments you expect they are yet to learn upon my word Mrs. Rich. How I 'm undone What no Conversation no Judgment in Dress no Mein no Airs El. Cler. Prithee Cuz what is that same Airs d' ye see I 'd willingly please her now I have her d' ye see Mrs. Cle. Airs Why 't is a foolish Word used by those that do understand it and those that do not 't is what 's pretty when Nature gives it and what when affected spoils all that Nature gives beside Mrs. Rich. Oh! I shall go mad Is that an Object fit to please a Woman nice as I am Mr. Rich. Come Sister a long Periwig an Alamode Steenkirk c. has made a worse Face a perfect Beau e're now Consider he has some thousands a year El. Cler. Ay marry have I Nay udslid I have a Title too I value no more d' ye see killing a Man than I do killing a Mouse for I 'd take up my Patent be a Lord and be try'd by my Peers Bel. Thy Peers Where wou'dst find ' em Mrs. Rich. Oh my cursed Stars First a Citizen's and then a Country ' Squire 's Wife Ah! I shall never endure him that 's certain El. Cler. Mid hap so and mid hap ye may I shan't cross ye mich All the Hunting season I 'll be in the Country and you shall hunt Pleasures here in Town Ge me