and trouble upon my spirits and well it may be so for the sins of this day have been very great My heart hath not answered the expressions of thanks which have been uttered by the mouths of those that spake them to God No no my heart hath not stirred and been drawn out towards my God! The thoughts of his love have not ravished my Soul Alas I scarce felt any holy spark to warm my Soul this day This day which was a day of the greatest mercy of any in all my life the day in which I have had an opportunity to give thanks for all the mercies of my life and thanks it self is a greater mercy than the rest All other mercies are to prepare for this This is the work of a glorified Saint even a Saint in heaven before the blessed face of God It 's his everlasting business to Sing the Songs of Thanksgiving and Praise to the Most High But my thoughts have not been filled with the sweet foretasts of this blessed work which I might have had this day O God I beseech thee forgive my sin and lay not my deadness to my charge but overlook all my transgressions and look on me in Jesus Christ my Saviour I am thine Lord and not mine own This day I have under my Hand and Seal in the presence of Witnesses nay in thine own presence who art Witness sufficient were there no eye to see me or ear to hear me Thou Lord that knowest all things knowest that I have devoted my All to thee Take it and accept my Sacrifice Help me to pay my vows Wilt thou not accept me because I do it not more sincerely and believingly O Lord I unfeignedly desire to do it aright O wilt thou strengthen my weak desires I believe Lord help my unbelief Thou that canst make me what I am not O make me what thou wouldst have me be In thee there is all fulness and to thee I desire to come by Christ. Wilt thou now cast me off because I do it not unreservedly Lord I confess the Devil tempteth and the flesh saith Spare something what let all go And I find in me a carnal selfish principle ready to close with the temptation But thou canst prevent and conquer all and speak death to these corruptions and bid the Tempter be gone It is thy pleasure here to suffer thy dear children to be tempted but fuffer not temptations to prevail against thy Spirit and Grace If temptation be like a torrent of water to smother quench or hide the flame yet wilt thou never let all the sparks of thy Grace be put out in the soul where once thou hast truly kindled it But Lord suffer not such floods to fall on my soul where the spark is so small already that it is even scarce discernible O quicken it and blow it up to a holy flame Most gracious God! O do it here who hast done it for many a soul O what have I said that I have a spark of grace why the least spark is worth ten thousand times more thanks than I can ever express and I have been dead and unthankful as is before confessed And is that a sign of grace Unthankful dead and dull I have been and still am but yet it must needs be from Gods gift in me that I have any desires after him and that this day I have desired to devote my self to him and that I can say I would be more holy and more heavenly even as the Lord would have me be Nay I do know the time when I had none of these desires and had no mind to God and the ways of godliness and do I not know that there be many in this condition who have no desires after Christ and holiness Here then is matter of comfort given me from him that doth accept the desires of his poor creatures even the Lord Christ who will not quench the smoaking flax nor break the bruised reed I see then that I have yet matter of rejoycing and must labour to be so humbled for my remaining sins as may tend to my future joy in believing but not so as to be discouraged and frightned from God who is longsuffering and abundant in mercy Rouze up thy self then to God my soul humbly but believingly repent that thou hast been so unthankful and insensible of the benefits this day received up up and lie not down so heavily God hath heard prayers for thee and given thee life and opportunity to serve him He hath given thee all the outward mercies thy heart can desire He hath given thee dear godly able friends such as can help thee in the way to heaven yea he hath set them to beg spiritual mercies for thee who prevailed for temporal for thee and oft for many others why then shouldst thou not watch and pray and wait in hope that he hath heard their prayers this day for thy soul as formerly for thy body They are things commanded of God to be asked and we have his promise that seeking we shall find It may be this night many of Gods dear children will yet pray for my soul I doubt not some will and shall I not be glad of such advantage I heard this day that I must not forbear thanks because the mercies are yet imperfect else we should never give thanks on earth Though therefore my Grace be yet but a spark and weak my body weak my heart sad all these administer matter of thanks and praise as well as of supplication Let me therefore keep close to both they being the life of my life while I live here and having daily need of supply from God let me daily be with him and live as in his presence Let him be the chief in all my thoughts my heart and life And let me remember to be earnest for my poor Relations and dear Friends and the Church and people of God in general And let me strive to keep such a moderate sense of sorrow on my soul as occasion requireth I have now cause of sorrow for parting with my dear friends my Father my Pastor He is by providence called away and going a long journey what the Lord will do with him I cannot foresee it may be he is preparing some great mercy for us and for his praise I know not but such a day as this may be kept here on his account The will of the Lord be done for he is wise and good we are his own let him do with us what he pleaseth all shall be for good to them that love God I have cause to be humbled that I have been so unprofitable under mercies and means it may grieve me now he is gone that there is so little that came from him left upon my soul. O let this quicken and stir me up to be more diligent in the use of all remaining helps and means And if ever I should enjoy this mercy again O let me make it appear that this night
thus that have not constant apprehensions of their evidence and whose assurance is hindred by imperfectious You have heard the contrary But suppose that you have yet no saving-grace or part in Christ why stand you complaining while Christ stands intreating you to accept his mercy Ishe not in good earnest The offer is free it is not your purchase and merit but consent that will prove your title Why do you complain and not consent even to the Baptismal Covenant Or if you consent why do you complain as if Christs promise were not true or as if consent were not a a proof of saving-faith If you confess that you should not doubt and be dejected on such terms methinks the Cure should be half wrought Dare you indulge it while you know it to be your sin Have you not sin enough already And is it not unkindness to deny so great a mercy as the converting-grace which you so lately felt and to suspect his love who is love it self and hath so largely exprest his love to you Would you easily believe that your Mother would kill you for such defects as you fear that God will damn you for Yea tho' she were perfectly just and holy Is it congruous to hear Ministers tell men from Christ that he beseecheth them to be reconciled to God and will refuse none that are willing of his grace and cure and at the same time to hear such as you almost ready to despair as if God would not be reconciled nor give grace to them that fain would have it but will be inclined to reject humbled souls Reason not for your distrustful fears and sorrows but still disowne them and accuse them and then they will vanish by degrees and dye yea then you will sure oppose them your self and God will help you Can you look that God should help you against the sin which you plead for and defend If faith and love be the vital graces distrust of God and denying his love must not be defended as no sin As the ungodly cannot expect the grace which they refuse so how can you expect the peace which you oppose and say as Psal. 77. My soul refuseth to be comforted and say of your passionate fear and grief as Ionas of his anger I do well to be angry even unto death Be convinced that Christ is yours if you accept him and consent and then that comfort is your interest right and duty and then you will do more to comfort for t your self than I am endeavouring when I chide you for your fears Sure sinful sorrow is no desirable thing nor to be pleaded for you durst do nothing to the murder of a friend no nor to his grief and you are bid to love your Neighbour as your self Away then with your weakning griefs and troubles lest they prove a degree of self-murder If you care for your self the comfort of your Mother and Friends and the honour of the unspeakable riches of Gods grace at least own it to be your duty to oppose sinful fear and to rejoice in God and serve him with delight and cheerful praises and do your best against all that is against this duty And suffer not your sore to fester by your silence but open your case to some one that is able to help you impartially to try it by the word of God and to pray with you that God will mercifully discover your infirmities and the remedy It were but wisdom to conceal your case from others if you can well be cured without their help § 7. Some strivings against her fears and sorrows I find next in this Paper following dated by her April 3. The sadder my present condition is the greater is the mercy that I am yet alive why then should I not give God thanks for that and beg the rest which yet I want And though my life seem but a burden to me sometimes it is my great mistake for the greatest afflictions are nothing to hell-torments Were they as great as ever any had while I am alive live on this side Eternity there is hope The time of grace is yet continued if I be found in mercies way I know not but God may yet be gracious and give in my soul as he hath done my life at his peoples prayers For I cannot but look on my life as an answer of their prayers And sure they desired my life only that I might live to God I desired it my self on no other terms It was my earnest request that I might not live if not to him Why then should I be persuaded by Satan to think that God will not give me grace as well as life May I not rather be encouraged with patience to wait for further mercy It is a mercy that I am in any measure sensible of my danger and have any desire to be holy I will therefore stir up my soul to thankfulness and be humbled that I can be no more thankful I will acknowledg the mercy I have received and the probability of future mercy and this by Gods assistance the Devil shall not hinder me from doing § 8. I will add one of her Papers containing her resolutions after her recovery in some few particulars Decemb. 30. was my worst day I did not then think to be alive this day I ought not to forget it On Ian. 1. New-years-day I first bled at the nose largely and after mended The fourth day was kept in humiliation for me April 10. was a day of Thanksgiving When I thought I should dye I was more than ordinarily sensible of my unprofitable life and had such convictions as usually people in my condition have and I then made many resolutions as in such cases others do I remembred that I had heard much of the promises that many made in sickness which they never performed and I thought it was gross hypocrisie to speak now of that which I was past performing as I thought but that I were better write down my purposes and discover them if God recovered me that they might be as strong an engagement on me as if I had spoken them to men I. I resolved that I would endeavour to get and keep a sense of that great mercy of Gods restoring me from the peril of threatned death in answer of prayers which was the greater in that God threatned to take me hence when I was but in the birth and had scarce well begun to live This mercy I promised to be thankful for and to acknowledg other mercies as God should make me able II. I resolved that I would endeavour to be in a fixed state and way of duty and in order to this I would take advice of one who is I conceive most fit to advise me And I resolve by Gods assistance that I will not consult with flesh and blood nor study my carnal interest but resolvedly set on the way of my duty and freely discourse my thoughts so far as is requisite to my
any thing were perfect here or that it were better do nothing than do it imperfectly or as if you would have no comfort till you can perform such duty and obedience as hath no need of pardon and a Saviour and so no man living might have any comfort in any thing that he doth 2. That when unreasonable fears and troubles are upon you and troubling thoughts are still upon your mind you say that you cannot help it nor turn your thoughts away to any thing else I know you have not an absolute power over your thoughts but some you have why else hath God made a Law for our thoughts and laid so much duty on them and forbidden their sin so much Much may be done if you will be resolute Think whether Christ came from the Father to bring tidings of sadness and despair or of great joy and whether Angels preached not Glory to God in the highest on earth peace and to men good will And whether Fatih Hope and Love which are the things which Christ will work on souls be not more powerful to destroy your sins than despair or discouragement of mind And because you complain so much of sin I ask you why doth not your conscience more accuse you of the sin of unthankful denying or extenuating the mercies of God and no more magnifying them And for overlooking so much the meritorious righteousness of Christ while you complain for want of more of your own I would not deceive you by telling you that you need none in your self and that all your righteousness is out of you in Christ I know that your righteousness must exceed that of the Pharisees and the unrighteous shall not inherit the Kingdom of God and that he that doth righteousness is righteous But at what Bar or Tribunal Only at that of Grace which supposeth the Reconciling Pardoning Righteousness of Christ it is not at the bar of Rigorous Iustice according to the Law which requireth Innocence to Justification there Christ only is your Righteousness and you have none and must dream of none but that which floweth from his and stands in subordination to it and is your title to it and improvement of it even your thankful accepting a free-given Saviour Head and Lord and Pardon and the Spirit to sanctifie you more and fit you for communion with God and for glory esteem most chuse first and seek most the love of God the Father the Grace of Christ and the Communion of the H. Ghost and this subordinate righteousness will certainly prove the meritorious perfect righteousness of Christ to be for you instead of a perfect righteousness of your own There is no defect in his Sacrisice or Merits if you wanted a title to Christ you were unjustified but none wants that who consenteth to his Covenant as before and that consent you cannot deny Will you live like a forsaken Orphan exposed in a Wilderness while Gods tender love is saving you and Christ is glorying in you as the fruit of his blood and the Angels of God are serving you and rejoycing at your conversion I entreat you think whether it be not the great work that God hath called you to to honour his grace and propagate to all about you as you are able a joyful thankful hoping and praising frame of soul and to stir up all to the delightful praise of God As Ministers must do it by preaching all must do it by conference and example And is your dejected sadness the performance of this § 6. When she desired to be prayed for she wrote down this Answer which I find now in her Papers It 's well if you know what prayer to put up or what to desire I 'le pray for you according to the best of my judgment and I 'le tell you for what that you may know what to pray for for your self First I 'le pray that your thoughts may be turned to the magnifying of Gods love and you may remember that he is as good as he is great and that you may be more sensible of his mercy than of your own unworthiness 2. I 'le pray that you may have so lively an apprehension of your everlasting felicity as may make you long to be with Christ. 3. That you may have more self-denial and that humility which makes you little in your own eyes 4. That you may be much less tender and liable to commotion and disquiet of mind and less sensible of unkindnesses and of bodily dangers yea and of sin it self while the sense of it hinders the sense of mercy A meek and a quiet and patient spirit is of great price in the sight of God I will pray that you may be delivered from too much inward passion of fear grief or discontent 5. I will pray that no creature may seem greater better or more regardable or necessary to you than it is and that you would look on all as walking shadows vanity and liars that is untrusty further than you can see God in them or they lead you up to him that they may never be over-loved over-feared over-trusted or their thoughts too much regarded 6. Above all I 'le pray that you may be less self-willed and not to be too passionately or unmovably set upon the fulfilling of all your will but may have a will that is compliant with the Will of God and can change as he would have it and will follow him and not run before him and can endure to be crost and denyed by God and man without discomposedness and impatient trouble of mind 7. I shall pray that seeming wisdom may not entangle you either in the concealment of any thing which greatly needeth your friends advice or in the hiding of your talents by unprofitale silence as to all good discourse upon the emnity which you have to hypocrisie and that you will not live in sins of omission for sear of seeming better than you are By this you may know wherein I think you faulty § 7. The next I find is this advice against her resolution to go to London It 's not lawful to speak an idle word and especially deliberately much less to go an idle journey What if you fall sick by the way or some weakness take you there will not conscience ask you who called you hither Your weakness of spirit that cannot endure this or that at home with your dearest friends is so far below the quiet composed fortitude which you should have that you ought not to give way to it If you are at the command of your impatience how are you obedient to the command of God It 's a greater work to bring your mind and will to the will of God than to change place or apparel or run away as Ionah in discontent O for a mind and will that needed no more to quiet it than to know what is the will of God and our duty and in every estate therewith to be content When you know your duty
A BREVIATE OF THE LIFE OF MARGARET The Daughter of FRANCIS CHARLTON of Apply in Shropshire Esq And Wife of RICHARD BAXTER For the use of all but especially of their Kindred There is also Published the Character of her Mother truly described in her Published Funeral Sermon Reprinted at her Daughters Request called The Last Work of a Believer His passing-prayer recommending his departing Spirit to Christ to be received by him LONDON Printed for B. Simmons at the Three Golden Cocks at the West-end of St. Pauls 1681. TO THE READER Reader GOD having called away to his Blessed Rest and Glory the Spirit of the most dear Companion of these last Nineteen Years of my Life or near I found in her Last Will a request that I should reprint five Hundred of her Mothers Funeral-Sermons written by me 1661 being now out of Press called The last Work of a Believer his Passing Prayer c. Not only her very great Love and Honour of her remembred Mother moved her to it but the apprehension of the Vsefulness of that subject to Dying Christians a Subject about which her Soul was awakened the more by the Death of many Friends and excellent Christians taken away this Year And the day somewhat excited her for it was written by her on Decem. 30 the same day which she kept secretly as an Anniversary Remembrance of the Sentence of Death from which she had been delivered and the same day when our dear Friend Mr. Corbet lay dying And I finde some expectations of her own speedy Death had some hand in it Being thus obliged by her Request mine own Affections urged me to premise this Breviate of her own Life Written I confess under the power of melting Grief and therefore perhaps with the less prudent judgment but not with the less but the more Truth For passionate Weakness poureth out all which greater Prudence may conceal Conscionable mens Histories are true but if they be also wise they tell us but some part of Truth concealing that which would do harm and which the depraved world cannot bear without abusing it But we that are less wise tell all the Truth too little regarding how men will receive it And hence comes all History which hath not evidence equal to natural to be of less credit than most men think while bad men lie and good men leave out so much of the Truth as makes the rest to be as another thing than altogether it would appear And having purposed to write this Breviate concerning my dear Wife God having the same year taken away two more of my ancient Family I wrote a Breviate of their Lives also One was my excellent holy Mother-in-Law Mary the Daughter of Sir Thomas Hunks Widow to my dear Father She was one of the most humble mortified holy persons that ever I knew and lived in longing to be with Christ till she was an Hundred years old wanting three or four in full understanding and at last rejoycing in the triumphant frequent hearing and repeating the 91 Psalm The other was my old Friend and Housekeeper Jane Matthews who lived in pious humble Virginity with eminent worth to about Seventy six or Seventy seven years and Died of mere decay without considerable Pain or Sickness about a Month or six Weeks before my Wife To these I added a fourth a Breviate of the Life and Death of that worthy Mother of my Wife as to the time since I knew her But I have cast by all these later three and much of the first by the Counsel of wise Friends as things which they think that Strangers will not make so great a matter 〈◊〉 Love and Nearness made me do And I must 〈◊〉 that God's Image is the same thing on all his Children and when you have described one you have described all as to the Essentials But as in Faces and bodily Strength they so much differ in Integrals Degrees and Accidents that the Lives of some are far more Exemplary and Honourable to Christ their Lord and their Christian Profession than others are And some are so much blemished by Errours Soul-Diseases and miscarriages of Life yea and injuries to the Church of Christ by their carnal Animosities and Divisions as rendereth the Examples of the more wise holy loving and peaceable and patient Christians the more conspicuous and honourable by the difference On this account finding young people naturally much delighted in History and that for want of better abundance are quickly corrupted and ensnared by Tale-books Romances Play-books and false or hurtful History I have long thought that true and useful History is of great use to prevent such evils and to many profitable ends And that to young people it is very profitable to begin with the Scripture-History and next the Lives of holy persons and next to read the true Church-Historians and the History of our Native Country Melchior Adamus in Germany Beza in his Icones Thuanus and many others in France have done the Church this way great service by a due Commemoration of Exemplary persons And such as Junius Scultetus Thuanus and others who have recorded the chief passages of their own Lives have done a profitable work though Mom'es will say They publish their own Praise in Pride There is no saying or doing any 〈◊〉 the world which bad men will not reproach or put an evil face on or make an ill use of to themselves But he that reads such Lives as Bucholtzers melanchtons and their like and then readeth their Church-Histories will the better discern that they were no Liars As it is Satans work to counterwork Christ by the Abuse and Perversion of his own Ordinances and Means as to disgrace Revelation by feigned Revelation and Spirituality by false pretendings to the Spirit and Magistracy by wicked Magistrates and the Ministry by worldly and ungodly Ministers and Christianity by hypocrite false Christians so he doth enervate the credit and use of History by false History And how great use he hath made of this to promote Popery he that readeth Jacobus de Voragine and many other of their Legends or Saints Lives and Miracles and such as Tympius and many more besides their voluminous deceitful Histories of Church Popes and Councils may quickly finde And being my self a vehement Hater of false History I beg Pardon of the Reader for interposing this Digression Lately writing of the Iudgment of Cranmer and others as cited by Dr. Stillingfleet in his Irenicon about Episcopacy that the Reader might know where to find it I added in a Parenthesis that it was left out in Dr. Burnet's Book For this I am accused as disgracing him and his Book falsly I here do him right and confess it was ill done of me to judge so hastily without better tryal But I must tell him wherein my fault consisted Not in accusing him I take it not to be a fault in D. B. that he hath omitted many things that are in Fuller Fox and others I had
just advice And that I will speak my reasons and heart-risings against any thing that is propounded to me which I judg unmeet And I resolved when I saw my duty cheerfully to do it and keep a sense of the sweetness and obligations of Gods love and mercy III. I resolved to pray and labour for a true sense of the sins of this Nation in general and in particular of the sins of my Relations and of my own And that till it please God to give me cause of rejoycing on the behalf of my Relations and of my own souls recovery and spiritual welfare I will continue with humiliation to supplicate the Lord. And though I would not shut out a greater duty by a lesser yet I will avoid all manner of Feastings as much as I well can and all noxious sensual delights and when I must be present I will use some mortifying restraint And this I would do in my habit and all other things but that I would lay no snare on my self by renouncing what occasions may oblige me to but by all means I would strive to keep upon my heart a sense of my friends danger and my own IV. I resolve if Providence concur to go to London as soon as I can after the day of Thanksgiving for the reasons mentioned in another place § 9. What these reasons were I find not This following fragment of hers hints something of it I begin already to be sensible of my misusing the helps which God had given me I know now how I should love Ordinances and means of grace and to what end not to break my heart when Providence removeth them from me or me from them but I should love them for God and use them for him and expect my greatest comfort from him and not from men and means themselves This is no more than what I thought I had known long ago but I never knew it indeed till now And now I do but begin to know it When I felt my heart ready to sink under a burden of sorrow God was pleased to ask me what I ailed Was my condition worse than ever Had I less hopes of his love than heretofore if not why do I mourn more than when I lay under that curse What is it that I have chosen for my hope and happiness is that lost and gone Am I left in such a place or case as God cannot be found in if I truly seek him or that God cannot sweeten with his presence if not why do I not contentedly thank God for what I have already had I cannot say it 's better that I had never had it than now to leave it no I must be willing to submit to God and be humbled in the sense of my abuse of mercy so far as it may quicken me to diligence for the time to come And if ever God more trust me with such treasure as once I had I will strive to shew that I better know the worth of it than I did before My thoughts often tell me that if I were but in a condition in which I had opportunity to serve God with more cost to the flesh than I here do it would either shew my hypocrisie or give me more assuring evidence that I am indeed sincere § 10. And it is a useful note that I find added to this by her If my trouble be for my sin 1. My care will be more for the removing of my sin than of the affliction 2. And if God should take away the affliction it would not content me unless sin be taken away and my heart amended 3. If it be sin that I am troubled for it will be my great care not to sin in my trouble 4. And if it be my sin that troubleth me I have the more cause to submit to Gods hand and silently bear the punishment of my iniquity it shameth murmuring when we truly look on sin the cause though it bring the wholsome sorrow of repentance 5. And if I mourn for fear lest God be departing I should seek him and cleave the closer to him and not depart from God and then he will not depart from me § 11. I will conclude this Chapter with a Countrey Poem of her honest Kinsman Mr. Eleazer Careswell of Sheffnall in Shropshire whom I never knew to Poetrize but now that tender love and passion taught him it signifieth these though it want the flowry part Her danger of death so near to her conversion was very grievous to him MARGARET CHARLTON Anagram Arm to later change The prudent soul refin'd from earth doth ever Arm to her later change and fears it never Those glittering Monarchs who seem to command This Ball shall be by deaths impartial hand Put out and doom'd to an eternal state No mortal sinner can decline this fate Death conquers Scepter-swaying Kings but I Shall conquer Death being now arm'd to dye Arm Soul for this one change and wed thy heart To Christ and then no death shall ever part Your joined souls and thou because that He Hath Life of Life shalt still possessed be Death will but this snarl'd knot of Life untie To unite Souls in a more blessed tie When Faith renewing grace repenting tears Hath cleard the soul from filth and she appears Unspotted holy pure invested in Christs milk-white snowie Robes quite freed from sin Wholly deliver'd from this fleshly thrall And Hells black Monarch and adorn'd with all Gods perfect grace Triumphantly these sing Death and Hell conquer'd are by Christ our King Faith Hope and Love such Souls now fortifie And armed thus why should we fear to dye Tho' Death divorce those long acquainted friends And lodg earth in the earth the soul ascends To those high glorious Regions where she With Christ and blessed souls shall ever be Soul troubling sin shall then molest no more Which clog'd which wounded her so long before Poor souls go fetter'd here with flesh and sin Death doth her great deliverance begin Thy soul renew'd by grace shall quickly see How blest a change that day will bring to thee Death shall those weeping eyes dry up and close And pained weary flesh to rest repose The grave will be a safe and quiet bed To that frail body when the soul is fled This aking head shall there be laid to rest Whilst thy glad soul of glory is possest As banisht griefs end in that quiet sleep Thy dust is holy it thy Lord will keep Till the last trumpet sound and he shall raise The just and unjust at the last of days Then the refined body shall again It s late dislodged soul re-entertain And re-united chant well-tuned lays Unto the Lamb whose soul-enamouring rays Shall ravish Saints with blessed perfect joy Freed from whatever would their rest annoy Where they with flaming love and pleasure sing Holy melodious praise to God their King Rise then my soul thy thoughts from earth estrange The first is wrought Arm to thy later change Thus the good
to live on the Charity of strangers § 18. When Warrants were out from Sir Thomas Davis to distrain of my goods for fines for my Preaching she did without any repining encourage me to undergo the loss and did her self take the trouble of removing and hiding my Library a while many score being so lost and after to give it away bonâ fide some to New England and the most at home to avoid distraning on them And the danger of Imprisonment and paying 40. l. for every Sermon was so far from enclining her to hinder or discourage me from any one Sermon that if she did but think I had the least fear or self-saving by fleshly wisdom in shrinking from my undertaken Office work it was so great a trouble to her that she could not hide it who could too much hide many others § 19. She was exceeding impatient with any Nonconforming Ministers that shrunk for fear of suffering or that were over-querulous and sensible of their wants or dangers and would have no man be a Minister that had not so much self-denial as to lay down all at the feet of Christ and count no cost or suffering too dear to serve him She greatly hated choosing or using the sacred Ministry for wealth ease or honour or any worldly end serving the flesh under the name of serving Christ and looking to be reverenced and honoured in this taking of Gods Name in vain § 20. Accordingly after some years wherein a lager course had been taken she was against my perswading Parents to devote their children to the Ministry that had but good Wits and Parts and were not prophane though my success with some did much encourage me to it heretofore But her sense of the sin and mischief of bad Ministers made her perswade all that in that case she had to do with to take heed of devoting their Sons to the Ministry till they had good reason to judg them truly godly and as she would not have pious persons to Marry such as were not pious on pretence of hopes that God would convert them so much less would she have such hopes that have no promise from God pretended for devoting unsanctified lads to the Sacred Office she saw how many even of good mens children prophaned the Ministy and turned to any course that did but serve their worldly interest that she was vehemently against addicting any to that Office that had not besides good Wits and Parts so great a love to God and Souls as to come to it with absolute self-denial resolved to serve Christ at the dearest rates and take his acceptance and the winning of Souls for their Benefice She was not willing to entice any into the way of the Ministry as a common Trade to live by in the world and would have had two or three Reading Writing and Catechising-Schools set up instead of one Grammar-School And she would not have Parents make Scholars of bad children nor send them to the Universities lest when they had a little wordy Learning they should make themselves Ministers whether their Parents would or not and so a swarm of such as had been a few years at the University should think a Benefice their due and take the charge of the souls of many that never knew the worth of one nor how it must be qualified and guided § 21. Her expectations of liberality to the poor from others were too high and her displeasure too great towards them that denied her whereupon when she saw a worthy person in debt or Prison or great want she would promise to gather them such a Sum and sometimes she was put to pay most of it her self But a Fortnight or Month before she died she promised to get 20. l. towards the relief of one of known name and worth and could get but 8. l. and somewhat over of it and paid all the rest her self § 22. Her judgment was that we ought to give more or less to every one that asketh if we have it and that Neighbourhood and notice and asking next to known indigence and great worth are the marks by which to know to whom God would have us give I thought that besides these we must exercise prudence in discerning the degrees of need and worth But she practised as she thought and specially to them in Prison for debt and blamed me if I denied any one § 23. Alas I know many poor Widows and oothers that think they have now lost a Mother and are left desolate whom I could wish some that are able would help instead of the help which they have lost § 24. She was much more liberal to many of my own poor kindred than I was But her way was not to maintain them in idleness but to take children and set them to some Trade or help them out of some special straits § 25. To her own kindred she bare a most tender love but her care was most to get them to be good and save their souls and next to settle them well in the world I had ever been greatly averse to motion Marriages yet she even compelled me first satisfying my reason to be a motioner of a Wife to her only Brothers Son who it 's said was worth to him above 20000. l. And her Sisters children she loved as if they had been her own especially three Daughters § 26. There are some things charged on her as faults which I shall mention 1. That she busied her head so much about Churches and works of Charity and was not content to live privately and quietly But this is but just what prophane unbelievers say against all zeal and serious godliness what needs there all this ado Doth not Paul call some women his helps in the Gospel He that knows what it is to do good and makes it the business of his life in the world and knows what it is to give account of our stewardship and to be doomed as the unprofitable slothful servant will know how to answer this accusation § 28. Another accusation is that she was wasteful and imprudent in leaving me so much in debt To that I answer 1. Let any one that reads what went before consider what she did and he will not wonder at her debts It was not to pamper her own body she used mean clothing and a far meaner diet for her own person I think much less than Cornario's and Lessius's proportion 2. And she went into no debt but by mortgage or otherwise she gave the Creditors good security for 3. But I confess she and I differed in this I thought I was to give but all my Income and not to borrow to give unless in some publick or extraordinary case she thought otherwise that while she could give security she ought to borrow to relieve the poor especially the most worthy Nor did she draw upon us any debt but what there was not only sufficient security for but also a fair prospect of our selves having a competency
taken where the Mother and the children were and saw part of their buildings burnt and some lye dead before their eyes and so Robert got possession of the children But at last she by great wisdom and diligence surprised them and secretly conveyed them to one Mr. Bernards in Essex and secured them against all his endeavours § 3. The Wars being ended and she as Guardian possessing her Son's Estate took him as only Son as her self and used his Estate as carefully as for her self but out of it conscionably paid debts of her Husbands repaired some of the ruined houses and managed things faithfully according to her best discretion until her Son marrying took his Estate into his own hand § 4. She being before unknown to me came to Kederminster twenty miles desiring me to take a House for her alone I told her that I would not be guilty of doing any thing which should separate such a Mother from an only Son who in his youth had so much need of her counsel conduct and comfort and that if passion in her or any fault in him had caused difference the love which brought her through so much trouble for him should teach her patience rather than forsake him She went home but shortly came again and took a house without my knowledg § 5. When she had been there alone a while her unmarried daughter Margaret about seventeen or eighteen years of age came after her from her Brother's resolving not to forsake the Mother who deserved her dearest love and sometime went to Oxford to her elder sister Wife to Mr. Ambrose Vpton then Canon of Christs Church both yet living In this time the good old Mother lived as a blessing among the honest poor Weavers of Kederminster strangers to her whose company for their piety she chose before all the Vanities of the world In which time my acquaintance with her made me know that notwithstanding she had formerly been somewhat passionate she was a woman of all that manly patience in her great tryals that prudence and piety and justice and impartiality and other Virtues which I mentioned in her Funeral Sermon Of her death anon It is her daughters case that this is the Prologue to CHAP. II. Of her Conversion Sickness and Recovery § IN her vain youth Pride and Romances and Company suitable thereto did take her up and an imprudent rigid Governess that her Mother had set over her in her absence had done her hurt by possessing her with ill thoughts of strictness in Religion yet she had a great reverence for some good Ministers especially Mr. Tho. VVright and she thought that she was not what she should be but something better she knew not what must be attained In this case coming to Kederminster for meer love to her Mother she had great aversion to the POVERTY and STRICTNESS of the people there glittering her self in costly Apparel and delighting in her Romances But in a little time she heard and understood what those better things were which she had thought must be attained And a Sermon of Mr. H. Hickman's at Oxford much moved her on Isa. 27. 11. It is a people of no understanding therefore he that made them will not save them c. The Doctrine of Conversion as I preached it as now in my Treatise of Conversion was received on her heart as the seal on the wax Whereupon she presently fell to self-judging and to frequent prayer and reading and serious thoughts of her present state and her salvation § 2. A Religious Maid that waited on her taking king notice of this for she kept all her matters so secret to her self as was her great hurt all her life acquainted her Mother with it and when it would be hid no longer but her frequent Closet-prayers were sometimes over-heard and her changed course of life discerned her Mother who as far as I could discern before loved her least of her three children began to esteem her as her Darling and all her Religious Friends and Neighbours were glad of so sudden and great a change § 3. I will here give you one of her self-judging Papers which I find since her death upon her then sad convictions When I had on Rom. 8. 9. told them how it may be known whether we have Christs Spirit or not she thus repeated the signs with her self-condemnation Mark 1. The Spirit of Christ is the Author of the Scriptures and therefore suiteth your disposition to it and guideth you by it Judgm 1. I fear then I have not the Spirit of Christ for I yet feel no love to Gods word nor closure with it as suitable to me but I am questioning the truth of it or at best quarrelling with it Mark 2. The Spirit of Christ is from heaven from God our Father and leadeth us upward unto him It s work is spiritual of heavenly tendency making us cry Abba Father and working the heart by uniting love to God Judgm 2. It is not so with me for I have a Spirit tending only to selfishness and sin Mark 3. The Spirit of Christ uniteth us to Christ and one another by love and is against hatred division and abusing others Judgm 3. Mine then is the spirit of Cain for I cannot endure any that are not of my opinion and way and it inclineth me to malice and unpeaceableness and division Mark 4. The Spirit of Christ is a spirit of Holiness and doth not favour licentiousness in doctrine or in life Judgm 4. Though I am for strict Principles I am loose in practise Mark 5. Christs Spirit inclineth to love humility and meeknest and makes men stoop to each other for their good Judgm 5. None more uncharitable proud and censorious than I. Mark 6. The Spirit of Christ makes men little low and vile in their own eyes it is pride that puffeth up Judgm 6. My self-conceitedness shews that I am unhumbled Mark 7. The Spirit of Christ doth work to the mortifying of the flesh even all its inordinate desires and to self-denial Judgm 7. I am a stranger to the work of mortification and self-denial I can deny my self nothing but the comfort of well-doing I cannot deny my sloth so far as to go to prayer when I am convinced of my necessity Mark 8. The Spirit of Christ is a prevailing spirit and doth not only wish and strive but overcome the flesh as to its rule Judgm 8. The flesh prevaileth with me against the spirit Mark 9. Christs Spirit is the author of his Worship Ordinances and suits the souls of believers to them the Word Sacraments c. Judgm 9. They seem not suitable to my soul I am against them and had rather not use them if I durst Mark 10. Christs Spirit is in all the Saints and inclineth them to holy Communion with each other in love especially to those in whom this spirit most eminently worketh Judgm 10. It is not thus with me I desire not the Communion of Saints my affections are
him all my days 2. And an humble heart that I may be taught of God who looketh on the proud afar off 3. And a tender conscience that I may fear to offend him and hate all sin 4. And strength so to resist temptations that I be not led by Satan to dishonour God or to provoke him 5. And a meek and quiet frame of spirit that I may be contented to bear the afflictions that God shall lay me under without murmuring or repining § 3. This being that which she gave us in I find under her hand this secret renewal that same day of her Covenant with God which I annex This being a day set apart for returning thanks to God for his mercy in delivering me from the gates of death these people being they that have earnestly supplicated the throne of grace on my behalf I here now renew my Covenant with Almighty God and resolve by his grace to endeavour to get and keep a fresh sense of his mercy on my soul and a greater sense yet of my sin I resolve to set my self against my sin with all my might and not take its part or extenuate it or keep the Devils counsel as I have done to the wronging of God and the wounding of my own soul. I resolve by Gods assistance to set upon the practise of known duty and not to study shifts and evasions to put off those which are either troublesome chargeable or likely to render me dishonourable and vile in the eyes of the carnal persons of the world And this I do upon these considerations and for these reasons 1. My life hath been a life of great mercy God hath preserved it more than this once and hath done exceeding great things for me which engageth me more than many others though all rational creatures are obliged to live to God their Maker 2. God hath not only given me life but in some measure ability and opportunity to do him service yea and already some encouragement in the hopes of the success of some of my poor endeavours I suppose on some of her servants 3. God hath more engaged me to himself by taking me into his Family and planting me in his Garden and watering me with the dew from heaven He hath set me in a fruitful soil He hath given me the high priviledg of a part in the hearts and prayers of his people and I may say that I live to speak it That God is a God hearing prayers and hath heard and answered them Though the Tempter be busie to make me think diminitively of this mercy yet I must not but must acknowledg the greatness of it 4. As all these and more engagements are upon me so I am already engaged by the Baptismal Covenant to God the Father Son and Holy Ghost as my God and chief Good and only happiness and as my Redeemer Head and Husband and as my Sanctifier and Comforter and I have renewed it in the Sacrament of the Lord's Supper and how can I go back that have thus far engaged my self and daily receive from God more obligations Yea God will expect more from me than from many others Let me therefore see that I be in good earnest with God and think not to put him off with hypocrisie let me not deceive my self for God will not be mocked what I sow I shall reap if I belong to God though I suffer whilst I am in the body they will be but light afflictions and but for a moment but the everlasting Kingdom will be mine inheritance and when this life is ended I shall reign with Christ I shall be freed from sin and suffering and for ever rejoyce with Saints and Angels But should I prove an hypocrite I lose my labour I lose my God and damnation with Devils and damned ones will be my reward for ever and rhis the greater as my mercies have been abundant and great Therefore I here desire this day to renew my Covenant with God and to beg the prayers of this people that God will not leave me to my self but help me by the sufficient Grace of Christ to keep the Covenant which I have made And I intend to keep this Paper by me to help to remember me and quicken me to duty and hinder me from sin and encourage me to go on cheerfully against temptations looking still to Christ who forsaketh not those that by faith and repentance come to him To all this let me add these Considerations of the vanity of the creature and of all false hopes It is contrary to the nature of the creature to be our peace they are our discomforts and troubles further than they help to lead us to the Creator Let me not forget the time when I seemed near death What comfort had I then in creatures What ease from them Was not all my hope in God All creatutes shewed me that side on which vanity was written and they had nothing that could satisfie my soul Though I had as much mercy in means and friends as I could possibly desire yet all this was nothing to me the trouble of parting with them was much more than the comfort of enjoying them and so it will be with me still which should teach me to keep my heart loose from the Creature and not over-love any thing on this side Heaven Why should my heart be fixed where my home is not Heaven is my home God in Christ is all my happiness and where my treasure is there my heart should be Come away Oh my heart from vanity mount Heavenward and be not dead or dull if thou wouldst be free from trouble and tast of real joy and pleasure Hath not experience yet taught thee that creature-comforts though they may be Roses have their pricks canst not thou be content to look on them and smell them at a distance and covet no other use while thou art in the Garden where they grow and be content to leave them there behind thee If thou must needs have them in thy bosome thou must scratch thy fingers to get them and when thou hast them though the smell a while delight thee they will quickly wither and are gone Away then O my carnal heart retire to God the only satisfying object There mayest thou love without all danger of excess Let thy love to God be fixed and transcendent Amen § 4. Though these were the strivings of her heart towards God her fears and troubles did not so pass away setled peace of soul doth seldom come quickly to young Converts though their sincere resolutions may be setled I find among her Papers yet more of that days work upon her after examination and review Bear with the length if I transcribe it as I find it under her hand Christ saith In the world you shall have trouble in me you shall have peace Something of both now I find at this time This night after returning thanks to God for my recovery I find my heart sad
I was sensible of my neglect of it And now here is comfort that I have to deal with a God of mercy that will hear a poor repenting sinner a God that will in no wise cast out those that come to him but loveth whom he loveth to the end This is the God whom I have chosen and taken for my portion the same God is his God his Guide and Comforter The whole world is but a house where Gods children dwell a little while till he hath fitted them for the heavenly Mansions and if he send them out of one room into another to do his work and try their obedience and if he put some in the darkest corners of his house to keep them humble though he separate those that are most beloved of each other it is but that they may not love so much as to be loth to part and come to him who should have all their love However it fareth with his children in this house or howling wilderness the time will come and is at hand when all the children shall be separate from the Rebels and be called home to dwell with their Father their Head and Husband and the elect shall all be gathered into one Then farwell sorrow farwell hard heart farwell tears and sad repentance And then blessed Saints that have believed and obeyed Never so unworthy crowned thou must be This was the project of redeeming-love When the Lord shall take our carkasses from the grave and make us shine as the Sun in glory then then shall friends meet and never part and remember their sad and weary nights and days no more Then may we love freely What now is wanting to dispel all sorrow from my heart Nothing but the greater hopes that I shall be one of this number This this can do it No matter if I had no friend near me and none on earth if God be not far from me it 's well enough and whatever here befalls the Church and people of God it 's but as for one day and presently the storm will be all over Let me therefore cast all my care on God Let me wait on him in the way of duty and trust him let me run with patience the race that is set before me looking to Jesus the Author and finisher of my faith and believingly go to him in all my troubles and let me so labour here that I may find rest to my soul in the Rest that remaineth for the people of God Rest O sweet word The weary shall haver est they shall rest in the Lord. April 10. on Thursday night at twelve of the clock a day and night never to be forgotten by the least of all Gods mercies yea less than the least Thy unworthy unthankful hard-hearted creature M. Charlton § 5. Is not here in all these Papers which I saw not till she was dead a great deal of work for one day besides all the publick work of a Thanksgiving day If I should give you an account of all her following Twenty One years what a Volume would it amount to If you ask why I recite all this which is but matter well known to ordinary Christians I answer 1. It is not as matter of knowledg but of soul workings towards God 2. Is not this extraordinary in a Convert of a year or few months standing 3. The love of God and her makes me think it worth the publishing They that think otherwise may pass it by but there are souls to whom it will be savoury and profitable § 6. Yet she continued under great fears that she had not saving Grace because she had not that degree of holy affection which she desired And before in her sickness her fears increased her disease and danger I will here for the use of others in the like case recite some scraps of a Letter of counsel as I find them transcribed by her self I Advise you to set more effectually to the means of your necessary consolation your strange silent keeping your case to your self from your mother and all your friends is an exceeding injury to your peace Is it God or Satan that hindereth you from opening your sore and make you think that concealment is your wisdom If it be pride that forbids it how dare you obey such a commander Many of our sores are half healed when well opened if Prudence foresee some forbidding inconvenience you have prudent friends and two prudent persons may see more than one But because you will not tell us I will disjunctively tell it you 1. Your trouble of soul is either some affliction 2. Or some sin 3. Or the doubt of your sincerity and true grace I. If it be affliction dare you so indulge impatience as to conclude against your future comforts while you have Gods love and title to salvation Dare you say that these are of so small weight that a cross like yours will weigh them down and that you will not rejoice in all the promises of life eternal till your Cross be removed II. If it be sin it is either past or present if past why do you not repent and thankfully accept your pardon If present it is inward corruption or outward transgression Which ever it be if you love it why do you grieve for it and groan under it If you grieve for it why are you not willing to leave it and be holy If you are willing to leave it and would fain have Gods grace in the use of his means to make you holy this is the true nature of Repentance And why then are you not thankful for grace received for Pardon Adoption and your part in Christ more than you are troubled for remaining sin Should none rejoyce that have sin to trouble them and keep them in a daily watch and war Read Rom. 7. 8. if you will see the contrary If any man sin we have an Advocate with the Father Iesus Christ the righteous and he is the propitiation for our sins Dare you refuse your comforts on such reasons as would deny comfort to all the world He that saith he hath no sin is a lyar And will you for this deny the known duty of thanks and praise for all that you have received You have been taught to difference between cause of Doubting and cause of filial humiliation And if it were any particular sin that needs particular help and counsel why do you not open it for help which its probably would do more against it than many years secret trouble and dejection alone will do 3. If it be doubts of your sincerity and grace why do you refuse to reason the case and say what it is that persuadeth you that you are graceless that we may try it by the word of God What evidence is it that you want You have confest that sometime you are convinced of sincerity and can you so easily deny what you have found as to conclude your self so miserable as you do Should all do
mans affections workt to prepare his dear Kinswoman for death but he dyed and most of his before her CHAP. IV. Some parcels of Counsel for her deliverance from this distressed Case which I find reserved by her for her use § 1. WHILE in her languishing and after it she was still cast down condemned her self as a graceless wretch and her good Mother and Friends afraid that her grief would encrease her sickness as it did their sadness and yet she obstinately concealed it from all save a few sad complaints to one person who wrote thereof some fragments which she extracted for her use I shall here recite them for others that have the same fears § 2. The miscarriage of a Relation troubling her this was set down When God hath done so much for you will you leave it in the power of an unconstant creature to trouble you and rob you of your peace Is the joy in the Holy Ghost so subject to the malice of your enemies or the weakness of your friends Delight your self in an Allsufficient constanr God and he will be to you a sufficient constant delight and will give you the desires of your heart I see you are yet imperfect in self-denial while you are too sensible of unkindnesses and crosses from your friends and bear them with too much passion and weakness know you not yet what the creature is and how little to be expected from it Do you not still reckon to meet with such infirmities in the best as will be injarious to others as they are troublesome to themselves It 's God that we most wrong and yet he beareth with us and so must we with one another Had you expected that creatures should deal as creatures and sinners as sinners how little of this kind of trouble had you felt Especially take heed of too much regard to matters of meer reputation and the thoughts of men else you are like a leaf in the wind that will have no rest Look on man as nothing and be content to approve your self to God and then so much honour as is good for you will follow as the shadow If every frailty and unkindness of the best friends must be your trouble it is to be impatient with the unavoidable pravity of mankind and you may as well grieve that they were born in sin and made your acquaintance And it should be used as a mercy to keep you from inordinate affections to friends It 's a mercy to be driven from creature-rest though it be by enemies Keep a fixed apprehension of the inconsiderableness of all these little things that cross you and turn your eye to God to Christ to Heaven the things of unspeakable weight and you will have no room for these childish troubles Yet turn not the discovery of this your weakness into dejection but amendment I perceive you are apter to hold to the sense of your own distempers than to think what counsel is given you against them § 3. On another occasion she recorded these words How hard is it to keep our hearts in going too far even in honest affections toward the creature while we are so backward to love God who should have all the heart and soul and might Too strong love to any though it be good in the kind may be sinful and hurtful in the degree 1. It will turn too many of your thoughts from God and they will be too oft running after the beloved creature 2. And by this exercise of thoughts and affections on the creature it may divert and cool your love to God which will not be kept up unless our thoughts be kept more to him yea though it be for his sake that you love them 3. It will encrease your sufferings by interessing you in all the dangers and troubles of those whom you over-love § 4. When she seemed to her self near death You now see what the world and all its pleasures are and how it would have used you if you had had no better a portion and God had not taught you a happier choice Providence now tells you that they are vanity and if over-valued worse but if you learn to see their nothingness you will be above the trouble of losing them as well as the snares of too delightful enjoying them Pardon all injuries to men and turn your thoughts from them and keep your heart as near as possible to the heart of Christ and live as in his arms who is usually sweetest when the creature most faileth us if we do but turn our hearts from it to him § 5. Another time Can you find that you are resolvedly devoted to Christ and yet doubt whether Christ be resolvedly and surely yours Are you willinger or faithfuller than he Hence she gathered her self as followeth When I read the evidence of my self-resignation to Christ I should as it were see Christ standing over me with the tenderest care and hear him say I accept thee as my own For I must believe his acceptance as I perform my resignation O what is he providing for me What entertainment with him shall I shortly find Not such as he found with man when he came to seek us it is not a Manger a Crown of thorns a Cross that he is preparing for me when I have had my part of these in following him I shall have my place in the glorious Ierusalem § 6. This fragment she wrote next For the sake of your own soul and life and friends and for the honour of that tender mercy and free grace which you are bound to magnifie Let not Satan get advantage against your peace and thankfulness to God and the acknowledgment of his obliging love Let him not on pretence of humiliation turn your eyes on a weak distempered heart from the unspeakable mercy which should sill yonr heart with love and joy notwithstanding all your lamented infirmities You perceive not that it is Satan that would keep you still under mournful sadness under the pretence of repentance and godly sorrow You are not acquainted with his wiles You have cause of sorrow but much more of joy And your rejoycing in Gods love would please him better than all your sad complaints and troubles though he despise not a contrite spirit I charge it on your conscience that when you are in prayer you confess and lament your distrustfnl suspicious unthankful uncomfortable thoughts of God and Jesus Christ more than all your want of sorrow for him And you trouble your self for such kind of sins the honesty of whose occasion may give you more comfort than the fault doth sorrow I know we have not our comfort at command But see that your endeavour and striving be more for a comfortable than for a sorrowful frame of spirit Two things I must blame you for 1. That you take the imperfections of your duties and obedience to be greater reasons for discomfort than the performance and sincerity are reasons for comfort as if you thought
do it resolutely and cheerfully and scorn to run away and turn your back that you may do it without censure where you are unknown Use well the means God here vouchsafes you and do your duty with a quiet mind and follow God in your removes § 8. Much more of such counsels she transcribed but I forbear reciting more She ends those Papers with these words The best creature-affections have a mixture of creature-imperfections and therefore need some gall to wean us from the faulty part God must be known to be God our rest and therefore the best creature to be but a creature O miserable world how long must I continue in it And why is this wretched heart so loth to leave it where we can have no fire without smoak and our dearest friends must be our greatest grief and when we begin in hope and love and joy before we are aware we fall into an answerable measure of distress Learn by experience when any condition is inordinately or excessively sweet to thee to say From hence must be my sorrow O how true CHAP. V. Her temper occasioning these troubles of mind § 1. THE soul while in the body works much according to the bodies disposition 1. She was of an extraordinary sharp and piercing Wit 2. She had a natural reservedness and secrecy increased by thinking it necessary prudence not to be open by which means she was oft mis-understood by her nearest friends and consequently often crost and disappointed by those that would have pleased her And as she could understand men much by their looks and hints so she expected all should know her mind without her expressing it which bred her frustrations and discontents 3. And she had a natural tenderness and troubledness of mind upon the crossing of her just desires too quick and ungovernable a sense of displeasing words or deeds 4. She had a diseased unresistible fearfulness her quick and too sensible nature was over-timerous and to increase it she said she was four times before I knew her in danger of death of which one was by the Small-Pox And more to increase it her Mothers house Apply-Castle near Wellington being a Garison it was stormed while she was in it and part of the housing about it burnt and men lay killed before her face and all of them threatened and stript of their cloathing so that they were fain to borrow cloaths 5. And the great work upon her soul in her coversion moved all her passions 6. And then her dangerous sickness and the sentence of death to so young a Convert must needs be a very awaking thing and coming on her before she had any assurance of her justification did increase her fear 7. And in this case she lived in the Church-Yard side where she saw all the Burials of the dead and kept a deaths head a skull in her Closet still before her And other such mortifying spectacles increased her sad disposition § 2. And the excessive love which she had to her Mother did much increase her grief when she expected death § 3. Though she called it melancholly that by all this she was cast into yet it rather seemed a partly natural and partly an adventitious diseased fearfulness in a tender over-passionate nature that had no power to quiet her own fears without any other cloud on her understanding § 4. And all was much encreased by her wisdom so stifling all the appearances of it that it all inwardly wrought and had no ease by vent § 5. And having keen spirits and thin sharp blood she had a strong Hemicrania or Head-ake once a month and oft once a fortnight or more from the age of fifteen or sixteen years All these together much tended to hinder her from a quiet and comfortable temper § 6. And in a word all the operations of her soul were very intense and strong strong wit and strong love and strong displeasure And when God shewed her what Holiness was she thought she must presently have it in so great a degree as the ripest Saints do here attain and that because she had not as much heavenly life and sense and delight in God as she knew she should have and desired she concluded of it that she had none that was sincere § 7. One of the first things by which her change was discovered to her Mother and Friends was her fervent secret prayers for living in a great house of which the middle part was ruined in the Wars she chose a Closet in the further end where she thought none heard her But some that over-heard her said they never heard so fervent prayers from any person § 8. Yet she desired me to draw up a form suited to her own condition which I did and find it now reserved among her Papers but I cannot tell whether she ever used it having affections and freedom of expression without it I had thought to have annexed it for the use of afflicted Penitents But it will be but a digression in this Narrative CHAP. VI. Of our Marriage and our Habitations § 1. THE unsuitableness of our age and my former known purposes against Marriage and against the conveniency of Ministers Marriage who have not sort of necessity made our marriage the matter of much publick talk and wonder And the true opening of her case and mine and the many strange occurrences which brought it to pass would take away the wonder of her friends and mine that knew us and the notice of it would much conduce to the understanding of some other passages of our lives Yet wise Friends by whom I am advised think it better to omit such personal particularities at least at this time Both in her case and mine there was much extraordinary which it doth not much concern the world to be acquainted with From the first thoughts of it many changes and stoppages intervened and long delays till I was silenced and ejected with many hundreds more and so being separated from my old Pastoral Charge which was enough to take up all my time and labour some of my disswading Reasons were then over And at last on Septemb. 10. 1662. we were married in Bennet-Fink Church by Mr. Samuel Clerk yet living having been before Contracted by Mr. Simeon Ash both in the presence of Mr. Henry Ashurst and Mrs. Ash. § 2. She consented to these Conditions of our Marriage 1. That I would have nothing that before our Marriage was hers that I who wanted no outward supplies might not seem to marry her for covetousness 2. That she would so alter her affairs that I might be intangled in no Law-suits 3. That she would expect none of my time which my Ministerial work should require § 3. When we were married her sadness and melancholy vanished counsel did something to it and contentment something and being taken up with our houshold affairs did somewhat And we lived in inviolated love and mutual complacency sensible of the benefit of mutual help These
left had it pleased God to lengthen her life and I am far from fearing want my self But so much for opening the course of her studies labours expences and indeed her delights CHAP. VIII Of her Mental Qualifications and her Infirmities § 1. I Doubt not but some of these accusers will say Why open you all this Were not you the Master and do not you hereby praise your self or else confess that she was your governess Ans. 1. Perhaps love and grief may make me speak more than many will think fit But though some passion blind the judgment some doth but suscitate it to duty and God made it to that end and I will not be judged by any that never felt the like 2. Did not Christ say of Marys Box of Ointment that it should be remembred wherever that Gospel was Preached And was it not Iudas that said what need this wast And were not the poors clothing made by Dorcas shewed to move Peter The poor we have always with us Do the covetous believe that what we do to his people we do to Christ 3. It was not mine which she gave but her own that I am now mentioning and what she procured 4. But I am not ashamed to have been much ruled by her prudent love in many things And you will the less wonder when I have told you what she and I were § 2. For my self my constant pains and weakness and Ministerial labours forbad me the care of outward things I had never much known worldly cares Before I was Married I had no need afterwards she took the care on her and disuse had made it intolerable to me I feel now more of it than ever I did when yet I have so little a way to go § 3. And as for her I speak the truth her apprehension of such things was so much quicker and more discerning than mine that though I was naturally somewhat tenacious of my own conceptions her reasons and my experience usually told me that she was in the right and knew more than I. She would at the first hearing understand the matter better than I could do by many and long thoughts § 4. And the excellency of her reason lay not so much in the speculative as the prudential practical part I must say that in this I never knew her equal In very hard cases about what was to be done she would suddenly open all the way that was to be opened in things of the Family Estate or any civil business And to confess the truth experience acquainted her that I knew less in such things than she and therefore was willing she should take it all upon her § 5. Yea I will say that which they that believe me to be no liar will wonder at Except in cases that require Learning and skill in Theological difficulties she was better at resolving a case of conscience than most Divines that ever I knew in all my life I often put cases to her which she suddenly so resolved as to convince me of some degree of over-sight in my own resolution Insomuch that of late years I confess that I was used to put all save secret cases to her and hear what she could say Abundance of difficulties were brought me some about Restituti on some about Injuries some about References some about Vows some about Marriage promises and many such like and she would lay all the circumstances presently together compare them and give me a more exact resolution than I could do § 6. As to Religion we were so perfectly of one mind that I know not that she differed from me in any one point or scarce a circumstance except in the prudential management of what we were agreed in She was for universal love of all true Christians and against appropriating the Church to a Party and against censoriousness and partiality in Religion she was for acknowledging all that is of God in Conformists and Nonconformists But she had much more reverence for the elder Conformists than for most of the young ones who ventured upon things which Dissenters had so much to say against without weighing or understanding the reasons on both sides meerly following others for worldly ends without a tender fear of sinning especially if any young men of her own friends were inclined meerly to swim with the stream without due tryal of the case it greatly displeased her and she thought hardly of them § 7. She had in her Youth been tempted to doubt of the Life to come and of the Truth of the Scripture But she was so fully resolved and setled herein that her confident Assurance of it was the life of all her Life and Practice § 8. After all the doubts of her Sincerity and Salvation and all the Fears and Sadness thereupon which cast her into Melancholy she so far overcame them all that for near these Nineteen years that I have lived with her I think I never heard her thrice speak a doubting word of her Salvation but oft of her hopeful perswasions that we should live together in Heaven It being my judgment and constant practice to make those that I teach understand that the Gospel is glad Tidings of great Joy and that Holiness lies especially in delighting in God his Word and Works and in his joyful praise and hopes of Glory and longing for and seeking the Heavenly Ierusalem and living as fruitfully to the Church and others as we can do in the world And that this must be wrought by the most believing apprehensions of God's Goodness as equal to his Greatness and of his great Love to Mankind manifested in our Redemption and by believing the Grace and Riches of Christ and the Comforting-Office of the Holy Ghost and studying daily God's Promises and Mercies and our everlasting Joys And that Religion consists in doing God's commanding Will and quietly and joyfully trusting and resting in his promising and disposing Will. And that Fear and Sorrow are but to remove Impediments and further all this And this Doctrine by degrees she drunk in and so fully consented to that though Timerousness was her Disease her judgment was quieted and setled herein § 9. The nature of true Religion Holiness Obedience and all Duty to God and man was printed in her conceptions in so distinct and clear a Character as made her endeavours and expectations still look at greater exactness than I and such as I could reach She was very desirous that we should all have lived in a constancy of Devotion and a blameless Innocency And in this respect she was the meetest helper that I could have had in the world that ever I was acquainted with For I was apt to be over-careless in my Speech and too backward to my Duty And she was still endeavouring to bring me to greater wariness and strictness in both If I spake rashly or sharply it offended her If I carried it as I was apt with too much neglect of Ceremony or humble Complement to any
she would modestly tell me of it If my very Looks seemed not pleasant she would have had me amend them which my weak pained state of Body undisposed me to do If I forgat any Week to Catechise my Servants and familiarly instruct them personally besides my ordinary Family-Duties she was troubled at my remisness And whereas of late years my decay of Spirits and diseased heaviness and pain made me much more seldom and cold in profitable Conference and Discourse in my house than I had been when I was younger and had more Ease and Spirits and natural Vigour she much blamed me and was troubled at it as a wrong to her self and others Though yet her judgment agreed with mine that too much and often Table-talk of the best things doth but tend to dull the common hearers and harden them under it as a customary thing And that too much good talk may bring it into contempt or make it ineffectual And of late years my constant weakness and pain made me unable to speak much in my ordinary course of Duty and my Writings Preachings and other publick Duty which I ever thought I was bound to prefer before lesser did so wholly take up those few hours of the day which I had out of my Bed that I was seldomer in secret Prayer with my Wife than she desired § 10. Indeed it troubleth me to think how oft I told her That I never understood Solomon's words Eccles. 7. 16. but by the Exposition of her case Be not righteous overmuch neither make thy self overwise Why shouldst thou destroy thy self I doubt not but Solomon spake of Humane Civil Righteousness and Wisdom as a means respecting Temporal Prosperity or Adversity rather than Spiritual holy Righteousness respecting God's everlasting Reward Or if it were extended to Religious Righteousness it can be but against Superstition falsly called Righteousness But as to our present case I must thus resolve the Question Whether one can be religiously wise and righteous overmuch And I Answer That we must distinguish between 1. Material and Formal Righteousness 2. Between Objective and Subjective measures of it 3. Of the good and bad consequents and effects And 1. no man can be formally and properly too wise or too righteous Else it would charge God with Errour For formal proper Righteousness is nothing but our Conformity to God's governing Will. And if our Obedience were too much and to be blamed God's commands were to be blamed that required it But very strict actions are commonly called Righteousness as a written Prayer or words are called a Prayer though properly wanting the Form it is not so And not only a good Object but a right End Principle and Mode and Circumstances go to make an Action righteous 2. That Action which compared with the Object cannot possibly be over-wise and righteous yet as compared with the Agent or Subject may be too much No man can know believe or love God too much nor answerable to his Perfections But one may possibly be transported with so earnest a desire of God Christ Christian Society Holiness and Heaven as may be more than Head and Health can bear And so it may be too much for the subject 3. Therefore the probable effects must be weighed He that should meditate read yea love God so intensly as to distract him would to it overmuch He that would do a good work precisely when the exactness would hinder the substance of another perhaps a better would be righteous overmuch And I thought this the case sometime of my dear Wife 1. She set her Head and Heart so intensly upon doing good that her Head and Body would hardly bear it As holy set Meditation is no Duty to a Melancholy person that cannot do it without confusion and danger of distraction so many other Duties are no Duties when they will do more harm than good 2 And a man is limited in his Capacity and his Time No man can do all the good he would and to omit a greater for the better doing of a lesser or to omit the substance of the one for exacter doing of another I thought was to be unrighteous by being righteous overmuch She and some others thought I had done better to have written fewer Books and to have done those few better I thought while I wrote none needlesly the modall imperfection of two was less evil than the total omission of one She thought I should have spent more time in Religious exercise with her my Family and my Neighbours though I had written less I thought there were many to do such work that would not do mine and that I chose the greatest which I durst not omit and could not do both in the measure that I desired else to have done § 11. As she saith before cited her self that if she was but in a condition in which Gods service was costly to her it would make her know whether she were sincere or not so she had her wish and proved her sincerity by her costliest obedience It cost her not only her labour and Estate but somewhat of her trouble of body and mind For her knife was too keen and cut the sheath Her desires were more earnestly set on doing good than her tender mind and head could well bear for indeed her great infirmity was the four Passions of Love Desire Fear and Trouble of Mind Anger she either had very little next none or little made it known She rarely ever spake in an angry manner She could not well bear to hear one speak loud or hastily or eagerly or angrily even to those that deserved it My temper in this she blamed as too quick and earnest When her servants did any fault unwillingly she scarce ever told them of it when one lost Ten Pounds worth of Linnen in carriage carelesly and another Ten Pounds worth of Plate by negligence she shewed no anger at any such thing If servants had done amiss and we could not prove it or knew not which did it she would never ask them her self nor suffer others lest it should tempt them to hide it by a lye unless it were a servant that feared God and would not lye I took her deep and long sense of the faults of over-loved and obliged persons to be one of her greatest faults But no one was ever readier to forgive a fault confessed or which weakness and religious differences caused I will give but one instance The good woman whom she used to hire the Rooms over St. Iameses Market-house was greatly against the Common-prayer and first made my Wife feel whether I meant to use it before she would take it I told her I intended not to use it but would not promise her Upon that my Wife told her that I would not After this I caused the Reader to read the Psalms Chapters Creed Decalogue and I used the Lord Prayer and I openly told them that we met not as a Separated distinct Church but for the time
godliness as they came And such as were truly converted with us she loved as children § 16. One infirmity made her faulty in the omission of much of her duty She was wont to say that she had from her childhood Imprinted a deep fear and hatred of hypocrisie on her mind that she could never do the outside of her duty as to the speaking part for fear of hypocrisie I scarce ever met with a person that was abler to speak long for matter and good language without repetitions even about Religious things and few that had more desire that it were well done and yet she could not do it her self for fear of seeming to be guilty of ostentation In good company she would speak little of that which she most desired to hear When I was at any time from home she would not pray in the Family though she could not endure to be without it She would privately talk to the servants and read good books to them Most of the open speaking part of Religion she omitted through a diseased enmity to ostentation and hypocrisie But of late years when she saw me and others too sparing in profitable speech to young and ignorant people she confest that she saw her error and that even an hypocrite using but the words and outside of Religion was better to others than silence and unprofitable omission was § 17. Her houshold-affairs she ordered with so so great skill and decency as that others much praised that which I was no fit judg of I had been bred among plain mean people and I thought that so much washing of Stairs and Rooms to keep them as clean as their Trenchers and Dishes and so much ado about cleanliness and trifles was a sinful curiosity and expence of servants time who might that while have been reading some good book But she that was otherwise bred had somewhat other thoughts § 18. Her great tender impatiency lay much in her ears She could not bear without great reason a disputing contradiction nor yet to hear sad tidings nor any hard prognostick and it was because she felt the weakness of her own head and for Twenty years lived in too great fears of the overthrow of her understanding And I was apt to think it was but a passionate fanciful fear and was too apt to be impatient with her impatiency and with every trouble of her mind not enough considering how great tenderness in all our discourse she needed though I remember nothing else that ever I shewed impatience to her in but ever since her first danger and strong affection I could hardly bear any signification of her displeasure and discontent And she was wont oft to say It is a great mercy of God not to know what will befal us in this world nor how we shall be sick or suffer or die that our fore-knowledg may not anticipate our sorrows though in the general we should be always ready § 19. She was the greatest honourer of her Mother and most sincerely loved her that ever I knew a Child do to a Parent She believed the Promise of the Fifth Commandment and believed that it did imply an answerable Curse to them that broke it And that as honouring Parents hath even the Promise of Blessings on Earth so the dishonouring them is like to bring a Curse upon the Person or Family that is guilty of it And that how great soever their present Prosperity may seem it is coming and will overtake them either in their Bodies Children or Estates Prov. 30. 17. The eye that mocketh at his Father and despiseth to obey his Mother the Ravens of the valley shall pick it out and the young Eagles shall eat it And such by Moses's Law were to be put to Death Deut. 27. 16. CURSED BE HE THAT SETTETH LIGHT BY HIS FATHER OR HIS MOTHER AND LET ALL THE PEOPLE SAY AMEN And will God suspend it till the Sinner saith Amen O no. And what is that persons Case that liveth under this Curse of God If the Body escape it and Posterity escape it and the Estate escape it yea and a seared Conscience scape it few years the Soul will not escape it for ever without deep and through Repentance for Christ hath redeemed none but sincere Penitents from the Curse Yea even such seldom scape the Temporal sharp Chastisement And very worthy was her Mother of her Love and Honour All her Letters to her when she was from home I find now laid up by her as a Treasure sure I will transcribe part of some of them that you may perceive her plain and honest Care of her Childrens Souls § 20. In one 1657. to this Daughter at Oxford she writes thus I Cannot but put you in mind of your Duty you owe to God I mean that you see that you lose not your time If you be where you may improve your time for Grace and getting down Sin I shall give you my consent for your stay with her Brother Upton Canon of Christ Church But be sure you do not deceive your self herein for God will not be mocked He that doth righteously and liveth to Christ shall enjoy all the Blessings promised by God to them that trust him and obey him I bless my God I have my Health as well as I can wish and my heart runs out wholly to God in seeking a Blessing for Children and Childrens Children O that I may prevail by Prayer to see such hopes of you all upon good grounds as will be a gracious return to my Prayers This is my work Be not you wanting to your selves your Endeavours and Prayers also are necessary Who knows but God will give you that One thing necessary which if you shall make it your chiefest choice shall never be taken from you Let the Word of God dwell plentifully in you that it may be the Rule of your Life which is the Prayer of your truly Loving Mother Mary Hanmer § 21. In another 1657. thus I Know not why you should write in Tears because of an apprehension of my Displeasure and that you can see it at so great a distance is strange to me If your Information be of God to whom you appeal look to it if of men believe it not Many false Fears may arise for want of the true Fear of offending a Good and Gracious God All your Fears and all your Joys must be founded in him or else your life here will be very uncomfortable Had not I my Comforts from my God and not only in the Creature I had sunk long since and often in Despair Take my Experience or rather hear the Word of God which saies It is better to trust in God than to put confidence in Riches It is better to trust in God than to put confidence in men Be well acquainted with the Will of God and be sure in all things to please him and then all other Cares and Fears will be of no value to you O let it be
your daily study and let me in writing see some fruits of your labours before I go hence and be seen here no more Be not wanting to your own Comforts and you cannot displease God nor your Mother who longs more after your Eternal Good than I can now utter My Love to you all and Prayers for you all I continue Your most tenderly Loving Mother M. H. § 22. In another to Oxford 1657. ALL will work for good to them that love God I hope you are one of those The Lord direct your paths that you may work out your Salvation with fear and trembling in your Youth and not let time slip till Age which will come or Death before it on all flesh and an account must be given of the precious Time which we now neglect I have more to say but when I see you it will be done with more ease The Lord keep you all and make you faithful to the Death that you may receive the Crown of Glory which is the Prayer of her that tendreth the good of your Soul M. H. § 23. In 1659. In another she writes thus MY dear Child My greatest Trouble is that I can have no better account of your health of Body yet surely the cure of the Soul is of far more worth Therefore I faint not Else I could not subsist under the heavy stroke which I have justly deserved Who knows but my sins may be some cause of thy distress of Soul However let us return to the Lord and he will heal all our breaches and will bind up all our Sores and will give us a house not made with hands eternal in the Heavens where we shall never be forc'd asunder and all Infirmities shall be left behind and we shall take up all pleasure in the enjoyment of our Heavenly Redeemer In the mean time let us with courage and confidence press hard toward the mark for the price of that calling which was set before us For the things which are seen are temporal but the the things which are not seen are eternal I can go no further but cannot forget to be Thy truly Loving Mother M. H. This was written to her in her sickness when for better Air she lay at Old Mr. Richard Foly's house at Stourbridge § 24. I have transcribed these to shew the mind and care of the good Gentlewoman and what cause I and my Neighbours had of comassion to her in her Sorrows when she was separated from an only Son whose welfare she had prosecuted with so strong affection and long labour and patience and began to have much comfort in this Daughter whom she had formerly least valued and thought she must so suddenly leave her Let those that think these too little matters to be told the World remember that Neerness Love and Sorrow may be allowed to make things greater to me than they seem to those that are not so concerned in them And that Mr. Fox in his Book of Martyrs publisheth a great number of as mean Letters as any of these even some of women and some written to the Martyrs as well as those written by them And while I say that I will add that though for Nineteen years I was so seldom from her that she had few Letters of mine yet those which she had I find now among her reserved Papers And that you may see what it was that I' thought she most desired and what she her self most valued I will here add one of them not venturing to trouble such with more as are affected little with any matters but their own which is the case of most I recite this rather than others partly also as an act of repentance for those failings of her just expectations by the neglect of such helps as I should have given her which I had here mentioned For though she oft said that before she Married me she expected more sowrness and unsuitableness than she found yet I am sure that she found less zeal and holiness and strictness in all words and looks and duties and less help for her soul than she expected And her temper was to aggravate a fault much more in her nearest and dearest friends than in any others and to be far more troubled at them But this use she made of my too cold and careless converse and of all my impatiency with her impatience and of all my hasty words that she that had long thought she had no grace because she reach 't not higher than almost any reach on Earth and because she had many Passions and Infirmities perceived by me and many other esteemed Teachers that we were all as bad as she and therefore grace doth stand with more faultiness than she had imagined and that all our teaching much excelled the frame of our souls and lives and was much more worthy to be followed and therefore that God would also pardon such failings as her own THough I have received none from you but one by Mr. H. I will not be avenged on you by the like I have nothing of News or business to communicate but to tell you that we are all here yet as well as you left us excepting what your absence causeth And yet I must confess I find that it is easier to be oft speaking to God when I have no body else to speak to than when there are other Competitors Expectants or Interpellators Just as I can easier now fill my Paper to thee with some speech of God when I have nothing else to put into it than I can when many other matters are craving every one a place It is our shame that the Love and Glory of God doth not silence every other Suiter and even in the midst of crowds and business take us up and and press every creature and occasion for their service But while we are weak and compassed with flesh we must not only consider what we should do but what we can do It is our great fault that we are no skilfuller and faithfuller in helping one another that we might miss each other on better reasons than meerly from the inclinations of Love I hope God will make us better hereafter that when we are asunder each of us may say I miss the help for Watchfulness and Heavenliness for true Love and Thankfulness to God which I was wont to have But O! what an enemy is a naughty heart which maketh us unable for our duty alone and makes us need the help of others and yet will not suffer us to use it when we have it When we are alone it maketh us impediments to our selves and when we are in company it maketh us impediments to others Yet is there none no not the weakest of Christians but there is much in them that we might improve But we are so bad and backward at it that Satan too commonly hath his end in making us unprofitable to each other If a good Horse or a good House be a valuable mercy how much more
expectations and preparations for death as made the case of her soul less grievous to me as no way doubting of her salvation and knowing that a distracting Feaver or a Phrensie or an Inflamation or disturbance of the Animal Spirits or Brain or an Impostume may befal the best as soon as the worst I thank God that she was never under any Melancholly which tempted her to any of those doleful evils which many Score I think that have been with me of several ways of education have been sadly tempted to She near 19. year lived with me cheerful wise and a very useful life in constant Love and Peace and Concord except our differing Opinions about triâ—â—al occurrences or our disputing or differing mode of talk § 10. She was buried on Iune 17. in Christs-Church in the Ruines in her own Mothers Grave The Grave was the highest next the old Altar or Table in the Chancel on which this her Daughter had caused a very fair rich large Marble-stone to be laid Anno 1661. about 20. years ago on which I caused to be written her Titles and some Latin Verses and these English ones Thus must thy flesh to silent dust descend Thy mirth and worldly pleasure thus will end Then happy holy souls but wo to those Who Heaven forgot and earthly pleasures chose Hear now this Preaching Grave without delay Believe repent and work while it is day But Christs-Church on earth is liable to those changes of which the Ierusalem above is in no danger In the doleful-flames of London 1666. the fall of the Church broke this great Marble all to pieces and it proved no lasting Monument and I hope this Paper-Monument erected by one that is following even at the door in some passion indeed of love and grief but in sincerity of truth will be more publickly useful and durable than that Marble-stone was CHAP. X. Some Vses proposed to the Reader from this History as the reasons why I wrote it IF this Narrative be Useless to the Readers it must needs be the sin of the publisher for idle writing is worse than idle words But I think it useful with that which followeth to all these ends to considering men § 1. It may help to convince those that are inclined to Sadducism or Infidelity and believe not the testimony of the sanctifying spirit to the truth of the Word of God but take holiness as it differs from Heathen-morality to be but fancy hypocrisie custom or self-conceit A man that never felt the working of Gods special Grace on his own heart is hardly brought to believe that others have that which he never had himself And this turneth usually to Diabolical malignity inclining them to hate those and revile or dispise them as deluded proud Fanatick hypocrites who pretend to be any better than they are or to have that which they take to be but a conceit All their Religious thoughts they take for the Dreams of crazed or proud persons and their holy discourse and Prayers but for canting or vain babling But acquaintance if intimate with gracious persons might convince them of their mortal error and true History methinks may do much towards it § 2. I confess with thanks to God that having these Forty years found that all our holiness and comfort depends upon our certain perswasion of the life of Retribution following and that our certainty of this depends upon our certain belief of the Holy Scriptures and we being here in the dark and too apt to doubt of all that we see not there are several sensible or experienced present certainties which have been a great succor to my Faith to save me from temptations to unbelief and doubting and confirm my assurance that the Scripture is Gods Word I. In that I undoubtedly by see and hear that through all the world there is just such a pravity in humane nature as the Scripture describeth for original sin which cannot be the state of mans integrity when his reason is much convinced of much of the duty to God man and himself which he will not do and of most of the great sins which he will not forsake II. I see the Scripture clearly verified in mentioning the common enmity and War between the Serpent's and the holy Seed It is notorious through the world in all Ages and Countries an enmity which no Relation or Interest reconcileth III. I feel and see the Scripture verified which describeth all the temptations of Satan and the secret War within us between the spirit and the flesh IV. And I feel and see the Scripture fulfilled which promiseth a blessing on Gods Word and his Ordinances V. And I feel and see the Scripture fulfilled which describeth the renewing work of the Holy Ghost and the spiritual difference of the sanctified from all others This is not only in my self but in others O how many hundred holy persons have I known the witness of Christs Truth and Power and as Ioshua's and Caleb's bunch of Grapes to assure me of the land of Promise and Gods Truth which I see fulfilled in them Can I doubt of holiness when I feel it and see it in the effects VI. Even as it perswadeth me the easilier to believe that there are Devils when I see their very nature and works in Devils incarnate and see what a Kingdom he plainly ruleth in the world and to believe that there is a Hell when I see so much of Hell on Earth § 3. It may teach us that the state of Godliness is not to be judged of by the fears and sorrows in which it usually begins A mans life is not like his Infancy at his birth The fears and penitent sorrows which foolish fleshly sinners fly from do tend to everlasting peace and joy and perfect love will cast out all tormenting fears unless it be those of a timerous diseased temper which have more of sickness than of sin and will be laid aside with the body which was their cause A life of peace and joy on earth may succeed the tremblings of the new-born Convert but a life of full everlasting joy will certainly succeed the perseverance and victory of every believing holy soul. § 4. It may warn all to take heed of expecting too much from so frail and bad a thing as man My dear Wife did look for more good in me and more help from me than she found especially lately in my weakness and decay We are all like Pictures that must not be looked on too near They that come near us find more faults and badness in us than others at a distance know § 5. It should greatly warn us to take heed of small beginnings even a spark of affection honest in the kind may kindle a flame not easily quenched How great a matter may a little fire kindle almost all sin beginneth in a seed or spark which is very hardly known to be a sin or danger § 6. Yea it should warn all to keep all the thoughts affections
and passions under a constant watch and obedience to God and know first whether God command them and allow them § 7. And this History may teach us that though God usually begin as is said our conversion in fears and penitent sorrows it is holy and heavenly joy which it tendeth to as more desirable and we should chiefly seek and should labour to moderate fear and sorrow and not think we can never have enough It is too common an error with honest souls to think that a hard heart lieth most in want of sorrow and tears when as it lieth most in want of a tractable compliance and yielding to the commands and will of God and in an iron neck and obstinate disobedience to God and to think that a new and tender heart is principally a heart that can weep and mourn when it is chiefly a heart that easily receiveth all the impressions of Gods commands and promises and threats and easily yieldeth to his known will § 8. And this may greatly warn us to fear and avoid self-willedness I mean a will of our own that runs before the will of God and is too much set on any thing which God hath not promised and knows not how to bear a frustration or denial but saith as Rachel Give it me or I die We must learn to follow and not to lead and to say The will of the Lord be done not mine Lord but thine and in every estate to be content There is no rest but in Gods will § 9. Yet this tells us that God dealeth better with his weak servants than they deserve and turneth that oft times to their good which they deserved should have been their greatest suffering § 10. This History and my great experience saith that there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother Prov. 18. 24. and that it was Gods spirit that said Prov. 27. 10. Thy own friend and thy fathers friend forsake not neither go into thy brothers house in the day of thy calamity for better is a neighbour that is near than a brother that is far off § 11. This History tells us how great a mercy it is to have a body meet to serve the soul and how great an affliction to have an unruly inclination from the bodies temper and what a tyrant excessive fear is and how great a blessing it is to have such a passion as Faith can rule and easily quiet § 12. It tells you also how manifold temptations and afflictions Gods servants are liable to in this life § 13. And it tells you that our greatest good or evil is nearest us Next God the best is in our souls and there is the worst and next in our bodies and next in our nearest friends And it may teach all to expect their greatest sorrows from those or that which they most excessively love and from whom they have the highest expectations Only God cannot be loved more than he deserveth Sorrow beginneth in inordinate love and joy in good § 14. And it tells us that Gods service lieth more in deeds than in words My dear Wife was faulty indeed in talking so little of Religion in company expect it were unresistibly to confute in few words an opposer or reviler of Religion But her Religion lay in doing more than talk § 15. Yet her example tells us that it is one of Satan's wiles to draw us to one sin to avoid another and to make us think that nothing is a due that hath great inconveniences or which we can fore-see some men will receive hurt from and so to be unrighteous by being righteous over-much and leave much undone for fear of doing it amiss by which Rule we should scarce ever do any thing that God commands He that observeth the winds shall not sow and he that regardeth the clouds shall not reap Eccles. 11. 4. I speak this on her at last confessed error of omitting seasonable speech and duty to avoid hypocrisie and ostentation which my great friend Judg Hale was just so guilty of as I know and the Writers of his Life confess He would make no great shew of zeal in Religion lest if he did any thing amiss Religion should be reproached for his sake Cardinal Ricâ—lieu was wont to say as is written of him that he hated no Counsellor more than those that were alway saying Let us do it better by that hindering the doing of much at all § 16. You see here that suitableness in Religious judgment and disposition preserveth faster love and concord as it did with us than suitableness in Age Education and Wealth but yet those should not be imprudently neglected Nothing causeth so near and fast and comfortable an Union as to be united in one God one Christ one Spirit one Faith one Church one hope of Heavenly Glory yet accidental unsuitableness should be avoided as far as may be § 17. There are some great men who know their own names who as I have most credible information have to greater than themselves represented me not only as covetous but as mutable for my Marriage To whom I now give this satisfaction 1. As to Covetousness my Vindication is a matter unfit for the ears of the world if Reverend mens backbitings the same that troubles our common peace did not make it partly necessary Through Gods mercy and her prudent care I lived in plenty and so do still though not without being greatly beholden to divers friends and I am not poorer than when I Married but it is not by Marriage nor by any thing that was hers before 2. And as to my mutability Whereas one of them reports that I said to him that I thought the Marriage of Ministers had so great inconveniences that though necessity made it lawful yet it was but lawful that is to be avoided as far as lawfully we may I answer that I did say so to him and I never changed my judgment yea my Wife lived and died in the same mind And I here freely advise all Ministers that have not some kind of necessity to think of these few reasons among many 1. The work of the sacred Ministry is enough to take up the whole man if he had the strength and parts of many men O how much is there to do oftentimes with one ignorant or scandalous or sad despairing soul And who is sufficient for all that 's to be done to hundreds or thousands In the primitive Church every Congregation had many Ministers but covetousness of Clergy and people will now scarce allow two to very great Parishes I did not marry till I was silenced and ejected and had no flock or Pastoral Cure Believe it he that will have a Wife must spend much of his time in conference prayer and other family-duties with her And if he have children O how much care time and labour will they require I know it though I have none And he that hath servants must spend time in teaching them and in other
duties for them besides the time and perhaps caring thoughts that all his Family expences and affairs will require And then it will disquiet a man's mind to think that he must neglect his Family or his Flock and hath undertaken more than he can do My conscience hath forced me many times to omit secret prayer with my Wife when she desired it for want of time not daring to omit far greater work 2. And a Minister can scarce look to win much on his Flock if he be not able to oblige them by gifts of charity and liberality And a married man hath seldom any thing to spare especially if he have children that must be provided for all will seem too little for them Or if he have none House-keeping is chargeable when a single man may have entertainment at easie rates and most women are weak and apt to live in fear of want if not in covetousness and have many wants real or fancied of their own to be supplied 3. In a word St. Paul's own words are plain to others but concern Ministers much more than other men 1 Cor. 7. 7 c. I would that all men were as I my self It is good for them they abide even as I 28. Such shall have trouble in the flesh 32. I would have you without carefulness He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord how he may please the Lord but he that is married careth for the things of the world how he may please his wife This is true And believe it both caring for the things of the world and caring to please one another are businesses and troublesome businesses care for house-rent for children for servants wages for food and rayment but above all for debts are very troublesome things and if cares choak the word in hearers they will be very unfit for the mind of a Student and a man that should still dwell on holy things And the pleasing of a Wife is usually no easie task There is an unsuitableness in the best and wisest and likest Faces are not so unlike as the apprehensions of the mind They that agree in Religion in Love and Interest yet may have daily different apprehensions about occasional occurrences persons things words c. That will seem the best way to one that seems worst to the other And passions are apt to succeed and serve these differences Very good people are very hard to be pleased My own dear Wife had high desires of my doing and speaking better than I did but my badness made it hard to me to do better But this was my benefit for it was but to put me on to be better as God himself will be pleased That it's hard to please God and holy persons is only our fault But there are too many that will not be pleased unless you will contribute to their sin their pride their wastfulness their superfluities and childish fancies their covetousness and passions and too many who have such passion that it requireth greater skill to please them than almost any the wisest can attain And the discontents and displeasure of one that is so near you will be as Thorns or Nettles in your bed And Paul concludeth to be un-married is the better that we may attend the Lord without distraction v. 35 38. And what need we more than Christ's own words Mat. 19. 10 11 12. when they said then It is not good to marry he answers All men cannot receive this saying save they to whom it is given For there are some Eunuchs who were so born from their Mothers womb and there are some Eunuchs who were made Eunuchs by men and there be Eunuchs which have made themselves Eunuchs for the Kingdom of Heavens sake He that is able to receive it let him receive it Oh how many sad and careful hours might many a Minister have prevented And how much more good might he have done if being under no necessity he had been sooner wise in this § 18. Another Use of this History is to shew men that it is not God's or our Enemies afflicting us in worldly losses or sufferings especially when we suffer for Righteousness sake which is half so painful as our own inward Infirmities A man's Spirit can bear his Infirmities of outward Crosses but a wounded Spirit who can bear My poor Wife made nothing of Prisons Distrainings Reproaches and such Crosses but her burden was most inward from her own Tenderness and next from those whom she over-loved And for mine own part all that ever either Enemies or Friends have done against me is but as a flea-biting to me in comparison of the daily burden of a pained Body and the weakness of my Soul in Faith Hope Love and Heavenly Desires and Delights § 19. And here you may see how necessary Patience is and to have a Mind fortified before-hand against all sorts of Sufferings that in our Patience we may possess our Souls And that the dearest Friends must expect to find much in one another that must be born with and exercise our Patience We are all imperfect It hath made me many a time wonder at the Prelates that can think it the way to the Concord of Millions to force them to consent to all their Impositions even of Words and Promises and Ceremonies and that in things where Conscience must be most cautelous whereas even Husband and Wife Master and Servants have almost daily Differences in judging of their common Affairs § 20. And by this History you may see how little cause we have to be over-serious about any worldly matters and to mind and do them with too much intensness of Affection and how necessary it is to possess them as if we possest them not seeing the time is short and the fashion of this world passeth away And how reasonable it is that if we love God our selves yea or our Friends that we should long to be with Christ where they are far more amiable than here and where in the City of God the Ierusalem above we shall delightfully dwell with them for ever Whereas here we were still sure to stay with them but a little while And had we here known Christ after the flesh we should so know him no more Whereas believing that we shall soon be with him even those that never saw him may rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of Glory § 21. Lastly Here you may see that as God's Servants have not their portion or good things in this Life so they may have the same Sicknesses and manner of Death as others Lazarus may lie and die in his sores among the Dogs at the door when Dives may have a pompous Life and Funeral There is no judging of a mans Sincerity or of his future state by his Disease or by his Diseased Death-bed words He that liveth to God shall die safely into the hand of God though a Fever or Deliration hinder him from knowing this till Experience and sudden possession of Heaven convince him Blessed are the dead that die in the Lord from henceforth yea saith the Spirit that they may rest from their labours and their works do follow them Rev. 14. 13. Therefore in our greatest straits and sufferings let us comfort one another with these words That we shall for ever be with the Lord. Had I been to possess the company of my Friends in this Life only how short would out comfortable converse have been But now I shall live with them in the Heavenly City of God for ever And they being there of the same mind with my forgiving God and Saviour will forgive all my Failings Neglects and Injuries as God forgiveth them and me The Lord gave and the Lord hath taken away And he hath taken away but that upon my desert which he had given me undeservedly near Nineteen years Blessed be the Name of the Lord. I am waiting to be next The door is open Death will quickly draw the Veil and make us see how near we were to God and one another and did not sufficiently know it Farewel vain World and welcom true Everlasting Life FINIS