would save or damn me at last I knew not neither did I think it possible for me ever to have known that except it were by some extraordinary way which very few did attain unto But by degrees I began to stay upon some promises through such considerations as these first I thought it could not stand with the goodness of God to damn a poor soul that had such heart-workings and desires after him as I had having much in my thoughts those words of Sampsons Mother Judges 13. 23. I thought that if he did intend to destroy me he would never have given me such desires after him preserved me till now and then that promise Mat. 5. 6. did much support me for I thought that if ever poor creature did hunger and thirst after righteousness I did these promises and considerations with some confused apprehensions that I had concerning the Lord Jesus did much raise me the thoughts I had of him were such as these I did believe that the Justice of God must be satisfied for sin and that nothing could satisfy his justice but a perfect righteousnesse now I thought I was to be very strict and circumspect in all my waies if it were possible to perform such a righteousnesse but what I could not do Christ had done for me and when I had done any thing that I thought was sin I could not apply Christ till I had repented that was till I had mourned fasted and prayed afflicting my self in such a measure as I thought might stand with the not destroying or prejudicing nature for there God would have mercy rather than sacrifice and Jesus Christ would make up that which was wanting so that Christ was my stay though it was through a very carnal and wrong apprehension But though I thought I must be so qualified and fitted for Christ before I could receive him and be made happy by him yet I knew there was no mercy to be found without him nor no life but in him In this conditiō I lived some years more and grew very cheerful confident as I think it was possible to be under such an apprehension but yet my confidence was alwaies more or lesse as I was more or less strict in my waies and sometimes though I had been never so strict yet I was subject to fear left I had not done as much as it was possible for me to do for otherwaies I thought Christ would be nothing at all to me yet my hopes were greater than my fears and I was resolved if I perished I would perish here at the feet of Christ and now I did not only see that possible which before I thought impossible but I had great hopes and much confidence most times This apprehension though it be that which is far below the glory of the free grace of God in the Gospel yet it did present Christ very lovely to me and did produce in me a real love to him as I dare not but so judge considering how I stood affected to and delighted in whatever I knew to be his will Though I must confess I think at the first the great wheel that carryed all about was my own good yet I am very confident that at this time I had a real love to delight in the Lord Jesus Christ and his commandements were not grievous to me but I did approve of them to be the most excellent things because approved of by the Lord and I well remember I was so far taken off from delighting in sin that I think I may say I did hate it with a perfect hatred as that which was in it self the only object of hatred as it was against God and all my delight was to be with those that I thought did excell in vertue and I could not bear wicked persons but their waies and practices were odious to me yet still I say my condition at this time was a condition of extreme bondage and below the Gospel I shall say no more of it but only this that what I have here written I think I may say is not the hundredth part of the labors and travells of my soul whiles I lived in that condition and if I should go about to write it all I know not how nor when to make an end But God was pleased in mercy to free me from that bondage by the manifestation of his love and grace through his Son to whom be all praise and glory for ever more Amen Some brief Observations from this second note of Experience FIrst Concerning the person by whom my experience in these things began which was one as I iudge not rightly called or sent to preach the Gospel he not being related to a true Church though otherwise I hope a godly man according to that measure of light he had received From whence I observe That it is possible for a godly man in times of ignorance and darkness to be a Minister of a false Church Secondly I observe That though it be not the work of a false Ministery neither is it the way of God to convert souls by yet accidentally or providentially somthing may be done that way by them especially in times of persecution where there is not a true Ministry abroad as indeed I am much inclined to own the work of conversion to be begun in me at this time and that for these reasons First because now was the day of Gods power no◠only to make me willing but there was some change wrought in the whole soul and every faculty of it which before was dead had now some life and motion in things relating to God and godliness as the understanding was opened so the will was changed and made willing to submit to truth and to imbrace the waies of life though it were through the greatest difficulty yet in much darkness and then the affections were taken and though there were but a little glimps of truth appeared yet there was a love to it and delight in it and a great hatred of the contrary all which I apprehend could not be but from some seeds of the Gospel though through false teaching there was not that blessed fruit of ioy and peace in believing also the Memory was active and busie to retain truth so that here was some change wrought in the whole soul as aforesaid A second reason is because when I lay under conviction of sin by the Law and was ready to sink under my burthen that which did suport and uphold my spirit was the Lord Jesus Christ though my apprehensions of him were not according to the Gospel as to the glory of the free grace therein contained A third reason is from the consideration of that fruit which did appear at that time which was an intire love to Christ and a conversation suitable thereunto according to the light then received For there was not only a doing good but a love to it and delight in it and there was not only a forbearing evil
concerning truth and why many that live a long time under much means yet continue very ignorant it may be ever learning and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth 2 Ti. 3. 7. and as the seed upon the stony ground withred away because it had no root So truth not being rooted in the heart and iudgement though it spring up in much affection yet it comes to nothing And indeed ignorant persons many times are sooner affected and doe seem to have more affection than others he reason of that I conceive is the same also with that of the seed upon the stony ground it sprang up suddenly because it had not depth of earth so it s natural for ignorant persons to spring forth in affection they having as it were nothing else to do but onely to be affected their strength running all in one vein or in one Chanel they spend all in affection while others that have more understanding have many other things to do all the faculties of their souls being exercised their strength is dispersed into many veins weighing and pondering things in the heart and iudgment that it may have depth to root and settle there as it s said of Mary shee pondred those things in her heart Luke 2. 19. so they are treasuring it up in their hearts having in their treasury things new and old Mat. 12. 35. and 13. 52. and a little affection where there is iudgement is better than a great deal without iudgement yet much affection with a sound iudgment is best of all The second note of Experience How I was brought to see my self in a miserable state by Nature and convinced of sin by the Law and so converted to duty labouring for life by doing though at that time in my own thoughts far from owning such a thing By providence hearing a Minister of the Nation who was then called a Puritan whom though I used often to hear yet I could truly say as the Prophet in Dan. 10. 8. I heard but I understood not and as I was once hearing of him very suddenly I thought I did discern and understand things more clearly and more distinctly than ever I did before that time being much affected with it and did then own God in it having many such thoughts as these that as it was said of Lydia Act. 16. 14. that now the Lord had opened my understanding and now I hoped I should have more knowledge and delight more in hearing and reading whereas before it was wearysome to me because I did not understand any thing but in a confused manner After this I had a great delight to hear this man and though I thought it much on any other occasion to go one mile on foot yet to hear him I could go three and back again the same day frequently and by his Ministery I was brought to see the superstitious varity of my former zeal and laid it aside and I remember that at this time I had such affectionate heart-workings towards God and godliness and such a hatred of all sin according to what I then knew that I did many times in my serious thoughts chuse rather to dy than live meerly upon that account because I would not sin against God knowing my self subject thereunto And though I cannot say that at this time I had faith in God so as to believe his Love to me on Gospel grounds for I was totally ignorant of any such thing many years after yet I had good thoughts of God from that glimmering light which I then had and which did produce in me much love to him as I cannot but so judge But no sooner was I brought to this but Satan was ready to assault me and set upon me with this horrid temptation to question the Being of God and I remēber it usually came upō me when I was alone but especially as I was going by my self to hear the aforesaid Minister insomuch that it did exceedingly trouble me and I then discerned it to be a temptation and did resist and labour against it drawing arguments as I went in the fields from the very works of Creation to confirm my self in this truth that there is a God that it should not be in vain for me or any to serve him and earnestly crying to God against it through Grace I was not overcome by it but had a supply of strength until it was removed and I was no more troubled with it in many years after So I continued a constant hearer of this man and other such like for some years by which I came to see my self in a miserable State by nature and was convinced of sin by the Law but being very ignorant of the Lord Jesus and their doctrine being for the most part such as was suitable to the old covenant instead of going to Christ for life I was brought to a great degree of labour and travell for life and happinesse by doing though at that time in my own thoughts farre from owning such a thing being as exact and strict in all my waies I think I may say as it was possible for a poor creature to be but the more strict I was still looking through the glasse of the law the more my bondage was increased For I could see nothing but an addition of sin in all that I did the law still calling for a perfect righteousness Then I began to be very much troubled and in a great amasement perplexity of spirit fearing I should perish for ever then I had thoughts to discover my condition to some to have advise from them but meeting with many discouragements did not but kept it in my own brest discovering no more but what I could not hide which was onely my outward appearance much differing from what formerly it was which did occasion some to say that I was neer a distraction they not knowing what condition I was in And truly my condition was so sad that I was afraid of a distraction my self for I thought it impossible to continue long in that condition and not be distracted which fear did occasion me to apply my self to some means of comfort whereas before I was not willing to hearken to any thing that way the means I used was chiefly reading praier by which it pleased the Lord I came to some dark apprehensions concerning Jesus Christ being perswaded there was something of that nature which if I could get a right understanding of my condition would be much better but fearing left I should sink under my burthen temptations comming on me like the waves of the Sea I was forced as I went about my occasions often to cry to God like the Disciples in another case Lord save me else I perish Mat. 8. 25. I thought many times I was even sinking under my burthen and I did believe there was no help but only in the Lord and that he was able to do it but whether he would do it or whether he
a confusion in my heart that I knew not what to do by which I was again hindered from my duty being willing to try that doctrine I not having heard the like before it being full of entising words of mans wisdome which I did with as much diligence try for some time examining the Scriptures about it as ever I did any doctrine but could find nothing in it but confusion a meer sound of words some of those bigge swelling words of vanity spoken of Jude 16. 2 Pet. 2. 18. so through mercy I left it and escaped that snare which I desire to remember to the praise of God Then I resolved to prosecute my former purpose in relation to those duties before mentioned yet still lingring in Babylon till the Lord was pleased by a stretched-out arm and cleer voice to bring to my remembrance those words in the 22. chapter of the Acts verse 6. Arise and be baptized why tarryest thou and as I remember for some daies together whatever I was doing those words were much in my thoughts then I began to take particular notice of it applying it to my own condition whether I was able to give a reason why I tarried the Lord having removed all my scruples and answered all my objâ—ctions and speaking of it to my Husband who was then much in the same condition I remember we had some discourse about it and the result was that the next first day we would go to the Church where we had often heard and declare what God had done for us in the great work of conversion desiring also to obey him in all his commands which accordingly we did and gave them full satisfaction and the week following were baptized and added to the Church being sweetly satisfyed and comforted therein and as for my former scruples I was troubled no more with them and in particular as to hearing out of the Church I never desired it since but God was pleased and still is to satisfy me with the fatness of his house feeding me with green pastures there and sitting under the shadow of Christ his Fruit is sweet to my tast which the LORD grant I may be found so doing as he hath commanded until his second comming Some brief Observations upon this fourth Note of Experience FIrst Concerning those thoughts that though I had nothing to do to be saved yet I had much to do to glorify God c. from thence I observe That as it is the duty of all that have received the Grace of God to be active for his Glory so it is the nature of Grace to teach and engage Saints to do the same Secondly Concerning my ignorance of Baptism and other Ordinances notwithstanding all my former Experience in point of Faith from thence I observe That persons may have much Experience in point of privilege and yet be ignorant of their duty As indeed we are more apt to learn the one than the other Thirdly Concerning my ignorance of that which is so plainly expressed in Scripture from thence I observe That light discovers darkness and though Truth be never so plainly expressed yet ignorance cannot apprehend it Fourthly Concerning those interruptions and temptations that kept me from my duty from thence I observe That naturally we are so averse to duty that we are a long time before we know our duties and when we know them we are subject to be kept from doing them by very trifles and that it is Satans policy if he cannot keep us from knowing our duties to cast stumbling-blocks in our way if possible to keep us us from doing them 2. I observe That though Christs yoak be easie yet we are hardly brought to put it on Fifthly Concerning the first hinderance That I thought it some Bondage to be in a Church from thence I observe That through ignorance of the nature of Christian Liberty we are too subject to think that Bondage which is not only Liberty but a great Privilege Sixthly Concerning the second hinderance which was the unsuitable walkings of some particular persons then in the Church from thence I observe That the Consideration of our stumbling at the failings of others should make us carefull lest we occasion others to stumble at us Seventhly Concerning the third hinderance That it was our liberty whether we would walk in Churches and submit to Ordinances or not from thence I observe That we are naturally so addicted to liberty that we are many times ready to cast off all obedience and to look on the Ordinances of Christ as indifferent things Eighthly Concerning the fourth hinderance Fearing lest I had not faith enough to suffer for it from thence I observe That distrustfull thoughts of future mercies many times keep us from improving present mercies Ninethly Concerning those Convictions that though I was scrupled about truth yet could not leave it so but endeavoured after full satisfaction from thence I observe That strong Convictions are not easily put out and where grace is predominant there will be an endeavour not to smother but to answer them Tenthly Concerning that other hinderance by strange doctrine from thence I observe That as faith comes by hearing so there may be a hearing that tends to the prejudice of faith And such I conclude is all hearing out of the way of God though some more some lesse I mean publick hearing out of the Church of God and though some do iudge it their liberty and privilege so to do I must needs confess I cannot so iudge For though possibly glorious things may be spoken yet what privilege can it be for Saints to hear glorious things where there is no promise of a blessing from God and therefore I may say as the Apostle of speaking in an unknown tongue I had wrather hear five words from a true Ministery or in a Church of Christ where he hath promised his blessing and presence than five thousand elsewhere though I desire in a personal way to own and embrace all or any appearance of God where ever I find it and can upon that account truly say I do much respect love and delight in some who are not yet come up to the true worship of Christ in his Church but I must be true to my principles I cannot see how we that are according to the Gosspel ioyned to the Lord and his Church by which we hold out to the world a visible profession of his name and a separation from all false waies of worship which in our principles we judge them who are not rightly constituted with us according to the appointment and practice of Christ and his Apostles to be no other I say I cannot see how we can meet with them in their publique worship to hear their Ministers or in any other spiritual duty but it is a crossing our own principles As thus they own themselves true Churches and Ministers of Christ the ignorant world knoweth not but they are so we by our presence being silent do say
the same though in our Judgement we cannot so own them which is a plain contradiction in our principles we say they are not Churches and Ministers of Christ by our practice we say they are as hath been minded Secondly As it is a contradiction of our own principles so it hath had such effects which are too visible and remains unto this day I must confess in my most serious thoughts I have wondered what should be the reason that any in the house of God should desire to be elsewhere I am sure there is no reason to be given for it neither from Scripture nor experience therefore I conclude it s either from ignorance so persons in their practice cross their own principles and not know it or else it s from corrupt principles or else they are overcome by some violent temptations As to the 1. of these I trust there are not many in the house of God so ignorant As to the 2. it is the desire of my soul that God would reprove shew them the evill of such principles and recover them out of such snares As to the 3. Let them take heed lest having put their hand to the plow and looking back they become unfit for the Kingdom of God Luke 9. 62. and let them likewise take heed of pleasing men or halting between two opinions but if God be God follow him if Baal follow him 1 Kings 28 21. This may seem harsh language to some but I am satisfyed that what I have written hath not been from a censorious spirit to Judge of the final State of any or to question the grace of God in any where it doth appear in the least measure and therefore let none say that because I cannot own any to be true Churches or Ministers of Christ but such as are in the same order with us that therefore I say there is nothing of God or Truth in them or that none shall be saved but our selves or that we love none but those of our own Judgement which if any do so think or speak of us it is a very great mistake for if I may speak for others as I have already said I do upon a godly account love and delight in some who are not in our Churches and do wait for the accomplishment of those glorious promises when they and we shall have a pure language shall call upon the Lord serve him with one consent and when we shall have one heart and one way and there shall be one Lord and his name one Zeph. 3. 9. Jer. 32. 39. Zach. 14. 9. In the mean time Let none under a pretence of waiting for the accomplishment of such promises as these grow cold and indifferent in the great things of God For none can truly wait for the accomplishment of Promises but such as do wait in a close walking with God according to that measure of light received and so those that have but a little of the knowledge of God let them follow on to know the Lord Hosea 6. 3. and let those that are in the faith earnestly contend for it Jude 3. and such as are in Gospel Churches let them stand fast in one Spirit with one mind striving together for the faith of the Gospel Phil. 1. 27. and let every one that names the name of Christ depart from iniquity 2 Timothy 2. 19. and those that love the Lord hate evil Psalm 97. 10. And as I desire that none may slight grow cold or indifferent in the great things of God under a pretence of waiting for high enjoyments or discoveries which shall be in the later daies so I desire likewise that none may plead against the Truth under a pretence of Love as many do in these daies labouring to confound light with darkness truth with error and to make an agreement where God hath made none Let such know that true spiritual love as it is wrought in the heart by the Spirit of God so it is bounded within the limits of Truth Love and Truth go hand in hand it is so fixed upon God that it Loves all in and for him spiritual Love must have a spiritual object and as the obiect is more or less visible so is that Love it cannot love every thing alike nay it works as well by hatred of evill as approving that which is good Psa 101. Psa 97. 10. Rev. 2. 6. Psa 119. 122 128. It loves that which God loves and hates that which he hates it loves the Word of God the Ordinances of God and the people of God and hates all that is in opposition to these it rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth 1 Cor. 13. 6. This is true spiritual love in which we are to receive every truth and by which faith worketh 2 Thes 2. 10. Gal. 5. 6. and I dare affirm whatever persons may pretend of spiritual love that is not of this nature it is a meer delusion and that all that fear the Lord ought to take heed of it The fift Note of Experience concerning Notions and Pretended Spiritualities in which Satan transforms himself into an Angel of light and how far I was deceived by it and how the Lord was pleased to recover me out of it BEing now through much mercy brought out of Babylon into Sion to partake of those dainties which the Lord hath prepared for his people there Satan that grand Enemy of mankind who goeth about like a roaring Lion seeking whom he may devour 1 Pet. 5. 8. envies my happiness and waites his opportunitie to catch me as a fish in the water covering his hook with a bait of mystery and spirituality who though I had escaped him in all his former appearances as a devill yet now transforms himself into an Angel of light if it were possible for ever thereby to beguile and deceive me knowing that those that are so deceived are the fittest Agents to promote his Kingdome and that many times he prevailes this way when he can prevail no other way drawing persons to that by degrees through corrupt principles which they would have trembled at the thoughts of before they had such principles but God was pleased not onely to keep me from such things but also discover to me the way by which persons are brought to such things that so to the praise of his Grace I might avoid those waies and also forewarn others to avoid them likewise But before I was brought to discover Satan under these veiles by hearkning to the voice of the Tempter in the thoughts of which I desire ever to be humbled in the presence of God I was deceived and beguiled by him in some particular things and that after this manner after we had lived some time in London walking with the Church in the practice of the Gospel it pleased God to remove our habitation into the Country where we had not that privilege and after a while my Husband being in the Army it occasioned our
condition and what the Lord had done for me who as I have formerly hinted was much in the same condition with me who also declared that he had in a measure received the like mercy which did much increase my joy Then I remember he desir'd we might seek the Lord by prayer and praise his holy name for these and all his mercies In which duty the Lord was pleased so abundantly to manifest himself to us thereby testifying his acceptance of us that for a while we sate in admiration neither of us scarce being able to speak for tears and truly it was such a mercy that I trust we shall for ever admire it at least in these five particulars First that God should deal so faithfully with us in relation to his promise that when we were ready to turn to the right hand or to the left he caused us to hear his voice behind us saying this is the way walk in it Esay 30. 21. Secondly that when we were straying from truth that the Lord should keep us that we straied no further that we did not run to the hight of those notions denying the Churches and Ordinances of Christ and blaspheming the truth as very many did in those times even denying the Lord that bought them Thirdly that the Lord should deal so fatherly and tenderly in his restoring of us that it was not by any extraordinary affliction or chastisement neither were we at any time a trouble to the Churches or grief to any Saint I know of Fourthly that the Lord should be pleased to bring us off so clearly from those things for many are brought off from them and yet there is still so much confusion remaining upon their spirits that it is hard to discern whether they are brought off or no. Fiftly that the Lord should vouchsafe this mercy to both of us that at one the same time and that at our return he should manifest such a sweet acceptance of us melting our hearts into tears of joy to our mutual comfort in the Lord and in each other and so that stream of our hearts being now turned from running after lying vanities the Lord was pleased to re-establish and confirm us every day more and more in the truth turning this sad yet blessed Experience to his praise and our great advantage the remembrance of which I trust shall be a mercy that shall stand us in stead at times of need whiles we live which the Lord grant it may be so to the honour and praise of his great name and our own peace and happines in himself Amen Some further Considerations relating to this part of my Experience it being that which I judge so considerable I cannot omit the reviewing of it AND the Lord grant I may review it daily so as to have my heart raised to an holy admiration of the goodness and faithfulness of God towards me in it and that it may allwaies lie as a strong engagement upon my heart to love and obey him in all things which in consideration of his unspeakable mercy is but my reasonable service Rom. 12. 1. And as I desire for ever to bless the Lord that he was pleased to deliver me from these deceits so it shall be my prayer that all the Lords people may be delivered from them and that the rather because I am perswaded that errors of that nature are the worst of all others and doubtless they are the greatest mystery of iniquity that ever Satan had on foot in the world But because I am not willing to pass my sentence without grounds and because every thing that is reproved is made manifest by the light and that which doth make manifest is light Ephes 5. 13. I desire according to that light of truth which God hath given to me farther to consider not only in general that those kind of errors are the worst of all others but more particularly how they are so First I conceive they are the worst of all others in that they do naturally tend and lead to the highest degree of evill and that both as they take with gracious hearts and as they take with carnal hearts First as they take with gracious hearts they do naturally interrupt the souls communion with God and exposeth it to great temptations bringing it to straits and extremities and into the greatest confusion that can be possible so far as they prevail and for the truth of this besides my own experience I appeal to any experienced Christian if it be not so Secondly as they take with carnal hearts they lead by degrees to the greatest evil both in a spiritual and 〈…〉 vil sense for such hearâ—â— not being seasoned wiâ—â— grace they run from onâ— notion to another till they run so high as to stand directly in opposition to Christ and his Gospel For when they come to be confounded and at a loss in their Judgements and meet with such Temptations which those errors naturally lead to they are overcome by them and under a pretence of living above Ordinances they deny the Ordinances of Christ and by degrees the whole Word of God calling it literal and carnal â—â—d under a pretence of spiâ—â—â—uality blaspheme the name â—f Christ calling him A fleshly Christ and so denying the Lord that bought them 2 Pet. 2. 1. and going against such strong convictions and cleer manifestations of light and knowledge as some have done doubtless they have fallen into that unpardonable sin expressed in Heb. 10. and so come at last to jeer and scoff at all appearance of godliness and it makes way for the highest degree of wickedness also in a civil sense having given themselves up to work all uncleanness with greediness Esay 4. 19. and so breaking all bonds though they had escaped the pollutions of the world through the knowledge of our Lord yet being again entangled therein their latter end is worse than the beginning 2 Pet. 2. 20. according to that Mat. 13. 43 44 45. When the unclean spirit is gone out of a man he walketh through dry places seeking rest and findeth none then he returns and taketh seven other spirits more wicked than himself and they enter in and dwell there and the last state of that man is worse than the beginning he is now far more wicked than ever this is the nature and these are the effects of those kind of notions as they take with carnal hearts and that it is so I appeal to the times in which we live if we have not seen it so with many who had escaped the pollutions of the world and that evil spirit seemed to be gone out of them and they have made large professions of the power of truth in their hearts but they are turned with the dog to his vomit and with the sow that was washt to her wallowing in the myre glorying in their shame and doing that without any reluctancy which they would have trembl'd at the thoughts of before they had those