they presently began a new to consult how they might get their Tongues washed in this Well knowing that it was prohibited for any of their Sex to enter Mars his Arsenall Some of them whose itching tongues could not admit of delay longing to have a lick at this Water stole privatly out of the Chamber and home they ran put on their Husbands Breetches and a way to Mars they went took pay and were admitted into his Court of Guard The rest concluded that Venus having a great Command over Mars should petitionate to him that all the Womens tongues of the Hepatick land might once in the year be dipt into his Lexicon to make them Talkative Mars for Venus sake being resolved likewise never to marry gave them licence but upon promise they would send their Tongues but once a year and never to come personally And thus said the Fachin once a year I and my Camaradi we having purchas'd the Monopoly gain more upon this Day than our Familyes can consume all the year following not a Woman omitting the day appointed to send their tongues with a double Fee to have them the better washed This amazed me more than any thing I had hitherto seen in my Travells And indeed the strangness of it had eat up my belief had I not heard the tongues which he had washed lieâ— scolding in his Basket Then I asked this Facâ—ino whether he had ever washed his Wives tongue yet Oh quoth he she could never sleep untill she had it insomuch that I am glad to wash mine own tongue twice for her once and yet not able to silence her Upon this I desired him to give me a little bottle of that water to carry into my Country as a Rarity By no means quoth he for it will make you run Mad and scold withall you meet Why then said I are not all your Women mad Marry replied he so they are more or less according to my descretion in washing them I began to thank Iove here that this Well was so far from our Country though I did suspect that some of them had been licking here The generall love therefore which I bare to that Sex made me in pitty not able to see their Tongues so infected but drawing my Sword I beat away more than a hundred of those Tongue-loaden Knaves which were coming to this Well presuming that some Wittall or other would put me in his prayers for it and then knowing I had committed an Errour by drawing my sword in the Arsenall out I ran all in Choler and as yellow as a Kites leg. I had not gone far from thence but I met my wandring Mistris Sanitas with a double Tertian on her back She perceived that I had been lately in Choler which made her come shaking to me and excuse her long absence with trembling Apologies I took her by the hand which Fear had benum'd with a sleepy chilness and asked her why she trembled so Oh quoth she the fear which I have that you will not keep me turns me all into a Gelly So that the Organ pipe of your breath only makes me answer you in quavers The poor Girl lent me such pittifull looks that I had a feeling of her misery wherefore I presently eased her of the burden of her Song and took a Tertian on my Back in place of a Knap-sack and away we went to seek out some charitable Hospitall Thus thinking speedily to depart out of the Torrid-Zone of this Hepatick Land contraâ—y to expectation we found all the passages stopt by a great inundation of Waters an affliction surely sent from Heaven to punish those corrupt Livers This made us lye at Anchor one Month the longer where I had much ado to keep life in my Mistris Sanitas finding no provision there that was Edible all things being so unsavory with those brackish waters that what ever we put into our Mouths Nature thought time lost in masticating them Hence not only we but all the inhabitants grew weak some pale some greenish others yellow and black all sickly for want of our fomer good nourishment It would have mollified a Heart of Adamant to have seen those matchless beauties of this Clymate young Lasses of fourteen years ruddy and sanguine have their Virgin beauties Eclypsed by the green Mantle of Loves standing Pool Yong married Wives whose tender Palates having been lately accustomed to feed on fresh and dainty bits now finding their Markets ill served with dull and sapless Sallads their Beccarii full of drowned Calves whose flagging and flashy flesh scarce sweet their Dogs formerly would not have gap'd at not able to subsist with this course diet rather chuse to feed upon green fruits and frutta nova untill at last their forbidden diet bring them into a Tympany Young lusty Batchelours here which entered into Pension at other mens Tables never remembring this generall inundation but finding their diet altered their meat rank stale and of a fishly savor they suspecting the Cause to be their Hostesses desire of gain forsake her Table straggle up and down taking here a snap and there a snap untill at last many littles of what is bad corrupt them making them perfect Pythagorists and abhor all flesh ever after Gentlemen if any of you be Travellers and Curiosity lead you at any time to visit the Hepatick Dominions see first in the Map of my Travells whether you can make any observations profitable for so dangerous and desperate a Voyage Read my description of Venus Court and see if her entertainment can allure you out of your Country And when you go be sure to make Health your Mistirss and when you come to Venus table let not that wanton Hostess intise you to disorder Or if she do do not drink your Mistriss drunk that she might not be Jealous and then play false under Nose Have a speciall Care likewise that you be not too familiar with that Lady Venus for she is Mistris unto the Viceroy Spiritus Naturalis of those Hepatick Territoryes who will play the Tyrant if he take you napping bringing you first on your knees to a publike Confession and then delivering you into the Hands of the Tormentor who puts you into a little Hole like a Tub and feeds you with nothing but dry musty Crufts and puddle water the very smell whereof puts you into Symptomaticall sweats There hee 'l smoak you like a Bacon hog and for fourty dayes you must expect twice a day to be stewed in your own grease Believe me every bone will have a feeling of his Torments and though at last he relieve you yet you shall never be your own man again If you incounter with Bacchus as he is never from Venus Court be sure that your first Cup be a parting Cup And for Mars come not near him lest you grow Cholerick and so be inflamed to your great loss of Bloud This Hepatick Land is so delicious and bewitching that few young men return from hence
durst not cure those broken Heads with our Balsamicall Reasons which he so desperately wounded with the blunt Beetle of Ignorance But letting him run on his Heat his over angry Tongue had so bastonadoed his teeth that at last they Silenc'd him with a vendicative Dolor Nature I think visiting his Ignorance on purpose to shew him the experience of her Sympaticall Secrets Here like the Samaritan I took out a little Violl from the Pharmacopaea of my Pocket and profer'd to lend him ease Imagine with what scorn he contemn'd my younger Practise but bidding me follow him to the Apothecaries I should see he was not destitute of Remedies far better than any of my Impyricall Fopperies There he made a mixture of Theriaca with a grain or two of Opium with which he fill'd the hollow Vault of his ruin'd Tooth This by the narcoticall Sulphur of the Opium stupefied the Nerve and so for a while mock'd his martyr'd Sence with a seeming Ease which brought him presently into the Vanity of his Secret Encomium asking me how long I would undertake to dig before I found a Mineral so rarely qualify'd I laughing ask'd how long it might be before he expected the return of his Currier at which very Instant his Opiate was now overcome and his Dolour answer'd him in a Duplicate Once more I abused him with Curtesie and desired him to make use of my Sympaticall Unguent praying him but to draw bloud from his aking Tooth with his tooth-picker and make a Resignation of the stick to me I would return him an Acquittance of his Dolor without any locall application My Oportunity at last won his Obedience and his Toothpick was no sooner buried in my Sympaticall Vnguent but a sudden ease contradicted his Expectation Who like a Crocodyle when I had picked the dolor out of his Teeth he was like to have swallowed me up with his malitious Oratory telling me that this Cure was Diabolicall answerable to our Hermetick Doctrine and advised me not to make farther use of it but to content my Practise with rationall Galenicall Ingredients I must confess it angred me to hear a Philosopher so lost in Obstinacy who blushed not to repay the Vse of Natures Secrets with Ingratitude His Ignorance gave my Teeth such an {non-Roman} {non-Roman} {non-Roman} {non-Roman} {non-Roman} that I could never since masticate a Galenicall Sallad Gentlemen I hope you are more rationall and better natured and when a Tooth pains you will rather make use of our Sympaticall Unguent than draw it out In this my Cephalicall Course twenty to one but some old Lady will be looking for a Dish to renovate Natures defac'd Master-peece with some Artificiall Shadow Or to illuminate her Microcosmical Map with the superficiall Beauty of our Hermeticall Tinctures To say the Truth I had prepared many Dishes for this effect but my fear was lest some of our younger Beauties whose Perfection is so compleat that Nature her self hath many years since confessed she cannot adde unto it would for want of more substantiall Pastimes fall a dappling with our Spagiricall Accidents and like ambitious Painters which never thinking their Retraits finished with too much Curiosity spoil the whole Peece Indeed I should be heartily sorry to see a good Face marr'd for want of a Play-fellow To such pregmaticall Fansies therefore I will shortly God willing make a Present wherein they shall finde such variety of intertainment that I doubt not but many a Fair Face will thank me for it In the mean Time I wish that their busie Heads may nor abuse the Innocencie of their Beauty cheating themselves of Natures Treasure under a Colour of fair dealing The desire therefore which I have to see such Beauties flourish in their Meridian hath made me lose many a nights sleep in Contemplation before I could attain to their true externall Prophylactick I sent the Embassadours of my Fansie through every part of the World for Vegetables Mineralls Semimineralls Fukes Belletti Smegmatick Secrets Vnctions Pomadoes Waters any thing that had or might be practized in that nature Faith I found all to be but Curtains to a good Picture which only kept the Dust from it but Eclypsed the Glory of it Yet I could not rest thus satisfyed but perswaded my self that Nature had given all things their Preservatives In which contemplation I called to minde how that Celestiall Beauty the Sun used no other Art but fair Water Morning and Evening washing his bright Rayes in that Fountain the Sea This then as Natures best Secret for maintaining a lively ruddy cleer and Snowy skin I freely impart to all Faire Faces wishing them to make some clear fountain their Painter and to dabble there as long as they please remembring that they make not that their Glass of Philautia and so Sacrifice their good Faces to Narcissus THE THIRD COURSE HEPATICALL SEe what a merry Gossip Health is she is alwayes exciting us to Mirth I have already wandred through two Parts of the World with her in which Pilgrimage my â—ides are so larded with the Fat operation of â—er good Diet mixt with the extravagancies of â—er ridiculous Mirth that with a Months hard â—odging I might very well supply the defect â—f a Christmass Brawner And now she hath â—ut me in this good plight I must not leave â—er neither If I but speak of parting she â—enies me my Billeto di Sanita Then she â—ugs me kisseth me bids me rowse up my â—pirits laugh sing dance and let care go a â—atter-wauling She swears that she is in love with my good Diet and doteth on the Temperance of my Youth and tells me that I shall do very ill to leave her that have so often protested that I could not live well without her Faith I felt all this to be true And though I knew her to be a noted Strumpetâ— one that would sell herself to any man for a little good Diet. Besides how Inconstant she was drawing every Mans Eyes upon her to corrupt her and letting every Boy lye with her Again accustomed to feed on the best and would not be brought out of her good Diet but if she misliked her feeding leave a man Yet considering that she was of good Bloud honest Parentage alwayes well disposed and of good breeding Full of Mirth aâ—â—fable not subject to any Ill Humors Fair and of a pure Complexion Her vertues being equivalent with her vices I fell so far in Love with her that I made her Lady of my Desires in short time she won so far upon me that she govern'd me and withall made me so fond of her that if I were absent but a Minute from her me thought I was Sick In fine let her be in what Humor she would I was her Morpheus and Imitated if she slep'd so did I If she were distempered So was Iâ— And being thus lost in the Labyrinth of Love let her wander where she please I have vow'd to follow humor her and beat her
not perfume his greatness with the mortifying smoke of these Penitentiall fires lest it should choak the Torrent of his Pride and bring him to a Miserere they all not to alienate from his humor rake them up in the embers of Vanity But after some few hundred years said he Phoebus being mov'd to Pitty by the tears of Daedalus and Penitentiall Offerings brought to this Temple by his Parentage at last gave Liberty unto their pining Souls by turning the Soul of Daedalus into an Eagle whereof he made a Present to Iupiter And of Icarus he made the Phoenix thereby to express the singularity of his Pride and lest Time might blot out the Memory of his great Presumption once in an Age he Inioyn'd him build an Altar of Arabian Aromaticks and thereon to Sacrifice his Body with the Fires of his Soâ—ar Rayes In reward of which he promis'd that his Youth should be as often renewed In those Dayes likewise quoth he this Cardiacall Palace upon that Occasion was call'd the Temple of Sol {non-Roman} {non-Roman} {non-Roman} {non-Roman} {non-Roman} whither many Ambitious Sinners came in Devotion to kiss those Penitentiall Fires so that no part of the World was so famous for Devotion But Phoebus had no sooner relieved those tormented Souls of Daedalus and his Son but streight Religion here ceas'd and it was presently Inhabited by those Fanatick Spirits which Intellectu had banish'd from the Cephalick Peninsula for bewitching of the Princess Fantasia and threatning his Ruin Here the Viceroy Spiritus Vitalis one Day in his Progress taking notice of these fair Buildings and seeing them lye buried in their Ruines falling in love with the situation of the Place presently sent for his Magicians whom he commanded to conjure all those Spirits to retire into a little chamber in the left partition of this Palace where lay the Penitentiall Fires and there to chain them up Then he caus'd his Architects to renue the lost Beauty of those demolish'd Ruines And to revive the dead Fame of that Former Temple he made his Magicians inchant it with a perpetuall and Propheticall Motion on whose Top to make it more miraculous he rais'd a vast Pyramis hewen out of one Intire Ruby and then proclaim'd it the Oracle of Aesculapius causing the Fame thereof to be publish'd through out the whole Vniverse and that all Diseased of what Infirmity so ever let them repair to this Oracle in Devotion and but touching the Motion thereof only the Oracle should infallibly assure them whether their Disease were Mortall or not Here our Boat arriving at the Palace Gate his Relation which I found more Poetical than Rational was silenc'd by the approach of his Mother the Lady Curiosita who came thither ready with all her followers to attend my landing Where the Earth had scarce kiss'd my Feet but she commanded her Gentlemen Ushers Signior Polito and Signior Ceremonioso together with her waiting Gentlewomen Signiora Impudentia and Signiora Confidentia to bring me forward Then presently she her self seaz'd upon me leading me into the Court and telling me that her Curiosity had impos'd that duty upon her to give entertainment to strangers her Genius being most proper for such imployments Following that Lady up a pair of high Stairs whose Altitude made our Hearts nimbler than our heels and being with a quick Sublimity by the Mercuriall Complements of Signior Ceremonioso brought to the highest step there I was taken by the Duchessa Superbia Who ere she would deign to let her tongue move towards me she comanded her Mâ—ior Domo Signior Prodigo to clap one of her Lords Don Ambitio gawdy suites on my back and to put me in Fashion Here me thought I look'd like a candle in the Sun or like a wooden spoon in a Sack Posset I was just like a new rigg'd ship govern'd by a Sculler who labouring with a Contrary Wind to leave my Common Road and shew my self in the Ocean I made my rich Apparell my Compass from which I never durst draw mine Eyes lest I should forget my Course and so be blown back again into my old Harbour I wish'd that she had lent my Face a new Cover to for I was very suspitious lest that though Impudent enough should have betrai'd my outside there remaining still a Rusticall character which rich Imbroaderyes could not Eclyps In fine she had put me so far out of Fashion with my Naturall Gate Annuities and obscuâ—e breeding that I was more troubled in Practising how to be taken a man of my Cloaths than ever Ierelictum was when he first Tutor'd his Apes For Courtly Phrases and Complements wanted none For Sir Philip Sidney and Ben Iohnson can testifie that I have so over-burthened my Memory out of their Granaries that it being too weak to retain them lets them often drop here and there to no purpose For exteriour gestures and Ocular Ceremonies my private Chamber Practice had so inur'd me that I mistook every man I met in the street for my Looking-glass To say the truth nothing blank'd me but a scurvy durty Opinion which like an evill Angell hourly persecuted me telling me that my cloaths would subscribe to antiquity before my Fortunes could renue their thred-bare Titles by some better Calling Looking downward upon the ugly Foot of this Opinion I was letting all my Bravery with the Peacock fall to the Ground and sneaking again into my posture But here Signiora Confidentia prevented me who cock'd up my Beaver gave me a resolute kiss and assur'd me that her Lady Mistriss Superbia was in love with me for whose sake she said she had settled a good Opinion of me bad me be bold and Confident of my well-come and to proceed for she would warrant me preferment At this I began to make a noise with my Spurs call for my Lackquies though they all knew poverty preserv'd me from that Vanity and then desir'd this resolute young Lass Considentia to carry me into the chief Lodgings of the Court that I might be taken notice of by some of the Nobility whom I was then Confident would cast a Fortune upon me The desperate Wench without fâ—rther Ceremonies brings me presently into the Chamber of Presence were sate Don Ambiâ—â—o on a high Throne swelling in the pride of his Humane Deity Where he gave entertainment to himself esteeming his conversation too great an Honor for that poor worm Man by viewing the Retraicts of those proud Egypptian Pyramides with that Rhodian Colossus and promising himself that his Name should feed Posterity with greater Memorialls And somtimes reading the lives of Caligula Domitian and Heliogabalus qui sibi divinos honores deferri simulacra sua ubique erecta adorari seque in Deorum numerum referri â—ussit whereupon he falls in love with that Romish Pride and would fain second it but that his Ambition will not admit of Imitation Seeing him as it were lost in those serious meditations I ask'd Signior Confidentia whether we