t' ye tho' Coop Oh easily easily my dear Look here I 've brought a Ladder for thee Semibr So so I see you are in a pretty posture I 'le go now and see how Affairs stand at the Cellar Window Exit Semibr Miss I. A Ladder Oh good What and must I act Love with a Ladder then Coop A Ladder you must do any thing for your poor Hubby that is to be have you got the Packthread Miss I. Yes I warrant ye what d' ye think I would forget any thing But will you be sure to marry me to night then Coop To night presently Child as soon as ever thou get'st off the Ladder why the Parson stays for thee Miss I. There 't is then I'vads he shan't stay for me I 'm better bred than so I warrant ye Throws down the Packthread and he ties it to the Rope Coop So now put it round the Bar of the Window and then let me alone to hoist it up Miss I. There Oh Gemini what a pretty trick is this But dear Mr. Coopee when we are married what must we do afterwards I wonder Coop Afterwards why then we must go to Bed my Dear Miss I. Go to bed well and I'vads that will be very pretty but what must we do after that pray dear Mr. Coopee Coop After that why Miss I. Ay there 's the thing now Mr. Coopee what must we do after that Coop Why do but get upon the Ladder and come down my Dear I 'le tell thee presently Miss I. Will ye well and so I will I'vads I 'le be with ye in a twinkling Is getting upon the Ladder and Crowshik comes and takes hold of her Crow Will ye so Gentlewoman Pray let me have an account of your Journey first Miss I. Oh law what shall I do now Sings to Coopee out of tune Sings Go go Friend below I 'm taken I 'm taken Ye little Knave get off and save your Bacon your Bacon Crow Here are rare doings what you are going to be married are ye but I 'le help yet to a Husband in the Morning A good Rod Hussie that shall act Love with ye better than the Fool below there Miss I. Well well I will have a Husband I 'm resolv'd on 't do what you can And if you offer to whip me I 'll tear your Eyes out so I will Crow Go get ye in ye great Ramp I 'le lock her into her Sister's Room below Stairs for to night there 's no Balcony there ' D'slife was there ever such a contrivance We shall have all our Girls stâ—le out o' th' School by Baskets full if this trade hold but I 'le prevent it to Morrow Get ye in Hussie Ex. Crow Coop Ah plague of my damn'd luck If this Devil had slaid but a minute longer I had got my Fortune upon my back a lamping penniworth by this time But now as the Devil will have it must leave my Dow that I have so long moulded for my own Cake to be mumbled by the Chops of another Pox on 't we us'd to be more prosperous in these Intreagues and if any of these raw Tits can bolt out of their Warren at any time 't is 〈◊〉 to one but your Greyhound Dancing-Master or your Lurching Songster has the first snap at ' em 'T is a poor loving Fool this and o' my Conscience will be very constant to me and if we can but contrive another Assignation then if I lose her Enter Semibrief hastily Sembr Hist hist Coopee come along with me presently Coop Phoo prithee let me alone I am very unfit for another Iâ—treague now A Pox on 't I have lost my own Semibr Ye lie ye lie ye Rogue she 's suâ—er than ever Crowshik has just now lock'd her up into a low Room where my little Butterprint was watching for me who as soon as ever she was gone puts back the Lock gets out and they are now both together yonder at teh Cellar Window Coop Ha! what dost thou say both what my little Cakebread too Semibr Ay ay ye Dog come quickly and let 's help 'em out Coop ' Dsheart this was beyond expectation Run run run run They run out Enter young Bragg drest like a Granadeer Y. Brag. If I had not run away from this old Dog Father of mine just now when he was drunk and fell asleep I had been detach'd in the Morning amongst the Granadeers and shipp'd for the Expedition in Ireland my fine Rigging's all gone he has damn'd that is burnt the very Soul of my Coat the Lace and my Embroyder'd Breeches hang out at a Broker's in Drury Lane by this time he hath taken up with the Money they yielded a whole Firkin of Brandy a Hogshead of Red Herrings two dozen of Tobacco and half a hundred of Cheshire Cheese For my part I believe he 's turn'd Conjurer and lays up Provision for some Famine or other that is to come If I should appear before my Lady in this Cap with this Cypher upon 't I were no more a Man of this world she would fly upon me like a Cat in a Closet and the tokens of my Manhood would be in a very desperate Condition Re enter Coopee and Semibreif with Miss Jenny and Molly muffled they cross the Stage hastily Semibr Come along along my dear dear little Chicken Y. Brag. Ha That 's Semibreif's voice who are those with him Molly Well you tell me you 'l make me a Woman too night But i'vads my heart goes a pitt a patt about it for I 've been told a Maid goes through a great deal of trouble before she comes to be a Woman and if you should chance to kill me Semibr Kill thee ha ha ha never fear it my Dear Jenny drops a Baby Y. Brag. By Heaven my little Boarding-School-Spouse that should ha' been Ienny Oh law my Baby my Baby I 've lost my Baby Coop Ah 'T is no matter if thou hadst lost it I 'll get thee a better Baby my Dear Y. Brag. 'T is so the Romps are both stole from the School to night and I am luckily the first discoverer I 'le dog 'em and then run and inform my Lady this with some swinging lye or other may chance to re-instate me in her favour and get me other Rigging For to say truth I 'm damnably asham'd of this well Fortune prosper I have but small hopes Exit SCENE II. A Room with Table and Bottles Enter Lady Addleplott sitting Lady Stroddle Nicompoop arm'd back and breast and Le Prate in Iack Boots L. Addle SO so the Rising's up and I think we are all fitted and since you have done me the honour to chuse me for your Colonel you shall find me ready to push forward I warrant ye Le Prat. Madam mine Horse is ready let us go to night begar Le Strod Methinks Mr. Deputy looks very like an Officer too Nicom Oh lack no seriously I make but an indifferent Figure I profess I never wore a Sword
scratch and I purr at your cruel heart's door And mew mew mew to come in II. Sometime that ugly Witch despair Make me believe you frown And tempt me which is ver severe To hang my self or drown But tho' me dare with Rival sight And watch your door whole Winter night Yet me no care to swing De Voice de Fiddle and de Song To say I love and say how strong Begar is must de better Ting With sitting c. Enter Oyley Le Prat. Oh I see she has sent for me Tres humble serviture sweet Mistress Oyley Combs his Peruke c. Oyley Sir my Lady wonders you are not ashamed to make this noise to disturb the neighbours she bid me tell you too that she admires you should think that pitifull fidling and piping should win a Lady of her Beauty and Quality so first desiring a Cessation of Cat-guts she implores your absence The Fool has been here twice a piping without a penny of money in 's Pocket which I can assure him will not take with us Exit Le Prat. Not fidling and piping win a Lady A plague of your damn'd English Brutality Zoon there is no other way in France to win de Lady but dat a Lady there shall as soon take a Gentleman with a good Pipe as a good Patrimony but here noting will do but money money a plague take her Gazoone I must get some and present her for I love her damnably and I see dere is no oder way along Messires Ex. Le Prate and Musick Amor. Now did not I tell thee how she 'd use him I know she hates all mankind but me Merr. Still I say be wary for according to the Poet Show me a man of sense in all the Roll That some one Woman has not made a Fool. Here she comes my Company will be of no use now besides I 've a Billet to write to my own dear Angel Adieu Exit Merriton Enter Jiltall and Oyley Amorous runs and embraces her Amor. My dearest Comfort Iilt. My Jewel My dear Iackey why did you rise so early this morning Sirrah hah Amor. I had business Child but I have been laughing this half hour at Mrs. Oyley's message to that serenading French Puppy ah my sweet life every hour brings me more and more into my Debt Iilt. And so ye dear Rogue you have been Eves-dropping have you Indeed Iackey I won't allow that what can't your Mistress have a spare Gallant to her self a little but you must be peeping you little pretty honey dear dog you Claps his Cheek Oyley Now is there something to be got out of him I 'm sure by this fondness ah wit of Man where art thou aside Amor. Would I had never seen it for I am grown so jealous o' th sudden and my heart does so swell go go get ye gone I dont love ye you shant kiss me no more you have got a French Flapdraggon now Iilt. I 'll sit you as well anon at night for I 'll tye your hands to the Bed-posts when you are asleep I 'm resolv'd you shall play no more tricks with me Amor. Nor you shant wake me no more if you go to that with sprawling over me pretending to put out the Candle Iiltal Do you hear Oyley did you ever hear such a confident little dear hony lying Rogue there 's for you Sirrah Slaps him Amor. And there 's for you Hussy and that and that Flings his Gloves Mrs. Oyley pray stand ' by a little and see fair Play and you shall see how I 'll maul her I 'll smother her immediately Iiltal Oh a Truce a Truce I 'll play no more but I 'll pummell you at Night Sirrah you shan't think to carry 't off thus you shant you dear dear dear sweet damn'd Dog you Claps his Cheeks and Kisses him Oyley Ah sweet damn'd Cunning how I Love thee this must be upon some mighty Matter for this is better acted then ordinary aside Iiltal But leaving off fooling for I 'm so fond of this Puppy that I can scarce mind any other Business how goes our Plot Iacky when is this nasty Uncle of thine to be fleec'd when am I to act the Indian Heiress and take my Voyage from Bantam ah you dear little Pimp you Amor. What you expect a new Addition to your Settlement do you Hussy but I 'll prevent those vain Hopes I will Black Eyes for I wont tell a Word Iiltal Choose Churl you shant Kiss the Honny-Mole upon my Duddy this Month then I 'm resolv'd Amor. Ah dear Dear Mole come I will I will tell rather then be punisht so I 'll discover any thing Iiltal Quickly then for if once I swear begin and seriously Amor. Why then in good earnest you are to go to your new Lodgings to night Iiltal At the Boarding School Amor. The same I have agreed with the Governess have also found out a Roguish Lawyer of my Acquaintance with a Conscience Confidence suitable to the Business who is to be ready to begin the Process we have got a Sun-burnt Sailer or two likewise to swear he was hir'd to carry her over and put the better face upon the Matter Iiltal And I 'll warrant you for acting my part give me but my Cue and you shall see me do it like any Player Amor. If I should get a thousand Pounds a Year by this Trick now would not you want a Croshet of Diamonds a Neck-lace of Pearl nor no such Triffle hah for I find you will take pains and act your part very dilligently Iiltal Indeed my dear sweet pretty Puppy-face not for that but only because Child I know a thousand Guinnys would do thee good thou knows my dear dog I was never fond of Money besides Iacky I have Croshet Neck-lace already I confess Love if I had a pair of Pendants as my Lord Keepwells Mistress has Oyley Oh now 't is out aside Iiltal I Think they would become me as well but my Sweet Honey Sugar Candy Rogue I can be contented without I 'll ask nothing Dearest Strokes and Kisses him Oyley Finely acted I swear ah where 's the wit of a Man now I say still there 's not a sâ—roke of that soft hand but will cost him fifty Guinnys aside Amor. Thou needst not ask that mayst command so absolutely I 'le tell thee more when I possess it in the mean time be sure to get ready against Seven in th' Evening to take Coach I le go put on my Disguise and finde out my Uncle who is either damning himself at the Magpy-Tavern or at my Lady Addleplots just by it there I 'le break the matter to him and dear Fortune stand but propitious now and then my sweet pretty charming Black Eyes and I will Live and Laugh and Love to perpetuity Exit Amor. Iilt. And if thou failst in it thou shalt be serv'd just as the Mony-less Mounsieur was before thee Oyley how dost thou like my managing of this
Charming Angel of yours has been my Whore this seven years I settled an Estate upon her in 87 carried her to Flanders in 88 and spent two thousand pounds upon her in 89 brought her over with me in 90 and now this present year find my self jilted and resolve a Revenge therefore consent to quiâ— all pretensions to her instantly or draw Le Prat. Draw dis is very fine begar I come heeder to make Love and you will force me to make War but it never shall be say dat a Frenchman desert his Mistress or his Intreague Come on Monsieur sa sa Leaps backward and fences at a distance Amor. A Plague what you are dancing a Galliard are ye Come I 'le shew ye an English step Sir Presses in fights and disarms him Le Prat. Gazoon vat dam Fortune is dis I have shame my Country begar dis is de first time dat ever de French were foil'd Amor. Oh Sir you are ill read in History I find come there 's your Sword agen you see I scorn to make you beg your Life therefore in return of Honour fail not to meet me here to morrow at this time I have business with ye Le Prat. Begar you are ver brave Fellow therefore I 'le come and d ee hear Monsieur when ever our great Monarch come and conquer your Country de Devil take a me but I will do as much for you Amor. Oh I thank ye Sir Le Prat. Dis is ver brave Fellow ma foy but a Plague of his dam English step for all dat Exit Le Prate Amor. And now to ruminate on my Revenge And right my self in this strange turn of Fortune For oh I lov'd this Jilt beyond my Reason Wounded my heart afresh and every night Fancied I had the first sweet budding Nosegay When every Flower was common in the Market Suppose I poison or I strangle her Why I send her to th' Devil my self to th' Gallows What satisfaction Suppose I trade with some of her Aunts the Bawds and get the Pox and give it her why then the Venom of her own Nature will relieve it and I alone am wretched or should I cut her into little Morsels like a true Serpent every part would live and every part would joyn agen to sting me No I have it the Purse is the Whores mortal part I 'll stab her there Learn this by me you that desert kind Wives And with this cursed Tribe debauch your Lives For Gold you gain a thousand Sweets and Dears But cease to pay and then the Punk appears Exit The End of the Third Act. ACT. IV. Scene I. A Tavern Enter Y. Meriton and Amorous Y. Mer. TO laugh at thee is not like a Friend and to rail at her would be to no purpose I only hope thou wilt value my Judgment another time and in the present Juncture make a good use of this lucky discovery Amor. I warrant thee thou shalt as much value me for my discretion now as thou didst formerly wonder at me for my strange stupidity but yet by Heaven it shocks my very Nature to think such barbarous ingratitude could injure such true Love Y. Mer. That Love was rather a Disease in thee than otherwise thou hadst a Callenture and thy strange madness muffled her jilting mischiefs from thy Eyes Amor. Damn'd Mercenary Whore Y. Mer. Oh fie How canst thou rail at a poor Creature for acting of her kind A Whore and Jilt are Boot and Spur the one depends on t'other and 't is unreasonable to expect a separation and if thou thinkest thy Wit or Love could make her constant thou art weaker still for a Whore has no Love but what depends on Appetite the coursest Food often goes down the best and is just like one invited to an excellent Treat yet is not satisfied nor thinks himself well entertained unless after all you let him take a nasty Pipe of Tobacco Drawer within Half a Flask in the King's Arms Score Amor. How near the cursed Nature of the Devil is such a nauseous Creature Yet such there are I find Enter Drawer Sir there 's a Gentleman below desires to speak with ye Y. Mer. Oh 't is Coopee go and send him up Sirrah Exit Drawer I employ'd him Iack about a pleasant Discovery of the Colonel and Captain I told thee of Well what now Tom Enter Coopee Coopee They are coming Sir and 't will make you laugh to see in what a strange Romantick Dress the old sham-Colonel's in now he looks just like the old Picture of Giddeon in the Hangings and struts as if he were newly come from lapping at the River Y. Mer. I 'me resolved to find out the Trick now and if thou canst get the Romp and the Six Thousand Pounds thou dost thy self a Profit me a Pleasure Amor. What the Rogue is stealing one of the Kitlins from the Boarding-School is he Coopee Faith Sir I think you have nicked it for all she can do yet is to Purr and Mew a little she is not come to her Scratching But there has a plaguy Accident hapned since I saw you last Y. Mer. What Prithee a discovery of any thing Coopee All all Faith and the business is this moment in Agitation that damn'd Witch Crowstich has told the Governess that I used to cram the Girl with Almonds and Reasons and when I taught her to Dance kiss her between every Step upon which Mr. Deputy and my Lady are sent for this Afternoon for my part I was discarded presently but to shew ye that I have play'd my Game very well just as I was going out of Door the poor young Fool follow'd and pretending to give me a Song-Book pinn'd this Note to the first leafe ha ha ha Here you may read it if you can for she does but just scrawl and spells worse than a Town-Whore in a Billet-doux Y. Mer. Reads the Letter If you lofe me as you portend and will marro me and let me go abroad to eat Cowsturd and Chesscock as often as I please I will lofe you butter than my Father and will come to you out at the Balcondey in the Iurdain at Eight a Clock just after we have Soopt I am sweet Mr. Coopee your true Friend Jenny Addleplot Ha ha ha ha Amor. Ha ha ha ha One that never knew it might Swear that Letter came from a Boarding-School by the Lofe and Butter that 's in 't Y. Mer. So why this goes very well hah and thou intendest to be at the Balconey at the time appointed do'st not Coopee Most punctually For I hear my Lady intends to match her to this Coxcombly Captain that 's coming hither but I 'le prevent her Faith I 'le about it instantly Exit Coopee Y. Mer. Oh here comes the Colonel Now for the Discovery Enter O. Brag. ridiculously dress'd like an Antick Officer and Y. Brag. with him Y. Brag. Now Sir besure you don't discredit your self but remember you are a Colonel still O. Brag. Sirrah