of the Lords Supper I found God gracious to me in preparation In the morning when I awaked God brought to my remembrance Jer. 2. 32. Can a maid forget her Ornaments or a Bride her attire I considered I was to meet and Sup with my Bridegroom the Lord Jesus and then considered what Ornaments and attire would best please him that I might put them on and these were presented to my thoughts some as I lay in bed and some afterwards as lovely and desirable in the sight of Christ which I determined to put on 1 st A meek and quiet Spirit 1 Pet. 3. 4. 2 ly Faith Cant. 4. 9. Thou hash ravished my heart my Sister my spouse with one of thine Eyes Faith hath the office of an Eye in the Soul Joh. 6. 40. Every one that seeth and believeth Looking unto Jesus Heb 12. 2. 3 ly Love Cant. 4. 10. How fair is thy Love my Sister c. 4 ly Humility Math. 11. 29. Learn of me for I am lowly in heart 5 ly Self-denial and forsaking of every thing that cometh in Competition with Christ Ps 45 10 11. Hearken O Daughter and consider forget thine own people and thy Fathers House So shall the King greatly desire thy beauty 6 ly An obediential frame of heart Math. 10. 20 21. All these have I observed from my youth Jesus beholding him Loved him 7 ly An heart resolved to hold and maintain frequent converse and communion with him Cant. 2. 14 Let me see thy countenance let me hear thy voice for sweet is thy voice and thy Countenance is Comely 8 ly Uprightness Prov. 11. 20. 9 ly An holy fear of God and hope in his mercy Ps 147. 11. 10 ly fruitfulness Cant. 4. 16 5. 1. But though God graciously assisted me in preparation yet in the time of receiving my heart was flat and dead As soon as the Sacrament was ended I retired to my Chamber to to pray and as I was praying that Scripture was brought to my remembrance Rom. 3. 3 4. shall their unbelief make the Faith of God of none effect God forbid I argued thence that the sins of my holy things my deadness and want of holy and due affections in time of receiving should not make void what God had promised in and by this ordinance but that the Cup was to me the Communion of the blood of Christ and the New Testament in his blood and the Bred the Communion of the body of Christ This did strengthen my faith to depend upon God for the benefits signified and sealed by that Ordinance notwithstanding the indisposition of my heart in the time of receiving Sept. 29. As I was musing on that rich promise made to Abraham Gen. 15. 1. Fear not Abraham I am thy shield and thy exceeding great reward Which is sufficient to bear up the Soul under the fear and danger of any Evil and against the loss and want of any good things I considered what warrant I had to apply that promise and presently that Scripture was hinted to me Gal. 3. 9. They which be of faith are blessed with faithful Abraham I was strengthened and Comforted by it Twice in this weak I observed that Setting upon worldly business which called hastily upon me before I had been at closet prayer and performed my usual meditations on the Covenant and promises of God my heart grew out of frame and unsavory and I was Successless on both days Oct. 1. Sabbath day At my Entrance on my morning meditation on Gods Covenant I had a great combate in my Spirit about my laying claim to God as my God having been lately foiled by my sins but God helped me and shewed me out of his word that I might and ought to keep my hold of God as my God Notwithstanding my often backslidings from him Jer. 3. 1 5 7 8. yet v. 19. saith God Thou shalt call me my Father Hos 2. 5. with 16. The same evening considering how often and greatly I had sinned and yet had been forgiven I pondered on that Scripture Luke 7 47. and saw that I had cause to love the Lord much because I had much forgiven and Considering how I should shew my Love to God and that much these Scriptures were hinted to me Ps 40. 16. Let such as love thy name say Continually let the Lord be Magnified Ps 97. 10. Ye that Love the Lord hate evil Joh. 14. 10. If ye Love me keep my Commandments Joh. 21. 15. Simon lovest thou me feed my sheep feed my Lambs Lord help me thus to shew much love to thee Oct. 8. Having been overtaken with the sin which easily besets me and hath often foiled me My Spirit fell and my faith flagg'd and I could not look upon God with any boldness was indisposed to prayer Yet in time of prayer God magnified his free grace to me and revived my Souls with that word 1 Joh. 2. 1 2. If any man sin we have an Advocate c. After I had ended my Supplications I pondered on that Scripture and was comforted against the sense of my sin by the Advocateship of Jesus Christ who pleadeth his propitiatory Sacrifice as a Satisfaction to his Fathers justice for the sins of believers as oft as they fall into them and querying with my self whether he would be an Advocate to me to plead for me I was satisfied from that word Joh. 6. 37. him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out I was also further encouraged from Heb. 7. 25. I considered that the Intercession of Christ answered all charges and accusations that could be brought against those for whom he interceded Rom. 8. 33. 34. and that the Intercession of Christ kept us â—o firmly in the love of God that nothing could be able to separate us from it Rom. 8. 34. 35 38 39. I considered further that the persons for whom he interceded were such as came to God by him and that he interceded for them at all times when they are fallen as well as when they stand when they are dead as well as when in a lively frame for He ever liveth to make intercession After these meditations my Spirit revived and notwithstanding I was before bowed down under the sense of guilt I went with boldness to God leaning upon the merits and Intercession of Jesus Christ Oct. 13. My Spirit being bowed down with the sense of guilt because I was foiled by a Sin against which I had prayed many years I was revived in reading in my course 2 Cor. 12. 7 8 9. Whence I observed 1 st God seeth it needful for some of his Servants to meet with buffeting 2 ly When God le ts loose any corruption a thorn in the flesh or a temptation a messenger of Satan to buffet us It is to keep us humble and from being exalted 3 ly God suffers his faithful Servants sometimes to pray long against corruption or temptation and yet cannot get it removed 4 ly Though my strength was not
my Spirit from those words of the Prophet Isa 40. 27. Why sayest thou O Jacob and speakest O Israel my way is hid from the Lord and my judgment is passed over from my God And did encourage my Soul still to hope in God and wait for his strength from the following words v. 28 29. 31. Hast thou not known hast thou not heard if thou hast not known it by experience having found his everlasting Arms under thee for thy support yet hast thou not at least heard it that the everlasting God the Lord the Creator of the ends of the Earth fainteth not neither is weary He giveth power to the faint c. Continue thou therefore O my Soul to wait upon the Lord. Lord what an accursed hard heart have I that sin which grieves thee Gen. 6. 6. thy Son Mar. 3. 5. thy Spirit Eph. 4. 30. should not grieve me that sin which wearieth thee Isa 43. 24. should not be a burden to me that I should not be troubled for want of thy Presence when as the hiding of thy face made our Saviour cry out My God my God why hast thou forsaken me That Eternity and Judgment to come should make no impression upon me that I can hear yea speak of thy Word thy wrath c. and yet not fear thee not tremble at thy Word nor at this my Condition Feb. 19. Being Sabbath day Having formerly perceived a desperate hardness in my heart that that Word which works upon others should do me no good that no means no mercies did melt my Soul and almost despairing of ever having it softened After Prayer I was encouraged from the Lord in reading Mr. Hooker upon Act. 2. 37. who from those words When they heard these things they who had Crucified our Lord Christ were pricked at the heart raiseth this observation It is possible even for the most stubborn sinner to get a broken heart And now O my Soul Why art thou cast down Is not the Lord greater than thy heart Can Satan be more malicious to destroy thee than the Lord is merciful to save thee Yet the actings of my Faith hereupon are but faint Upon Examination of my self I have sometimes found that to mine own sense and feeling I have been altogether void of any love or fear of God and that I have been at such a time as unable to work up my heart into the Love and fear of God as to say to this Mountain Be thou removed and cast into the Sea Such wonderful deadness hath seised upon my Soul so greatly have I been enslaved and held captive by Satan that I have not been able truly to desire the Spirit of God O that my heart could bleed at the remembrance of this great evil that I should not only be cut off from Communion with God but be contented with this condition that I should have no groanings in Spirit to be delivered from this miserable bondage Be instructed hence O my Soul to ascribe every good motion to God if thou feelest any hungrings after Jesus Christ or any sorrow for want of Gods presence or the like own it as his work and bless him for it I have sometimes found my condition much like the man mentioned Joh. 5. who lay a long time by the pool of Bethesda but was not able to put himself in that he might be healed even so it is with my Soul Though God hath opened a Fountain for sin and for uncleanness to wash in and I find my Soul exceedingly polluted yet I am not able to step into this Fountain that I may be healed O my Soul the Lord seeth thy weakness and that thou hast been now a long time in this case wait thou on God Who can tell but that as the Bowels of Jesus Christ did yearn towards the poor man so may his Compassions be great towards thee and he may heal thee also Cease not to importune him saying Jesus thou Son of God have mercy on me O Lord heal my Soul Having at several times found diverse workings upon my heart as Convictions and thereupon some pantings and breathings after God but as yet nothing come to perfection I thought of and found that I had cause to take up the complaint of Hezekiah in another case It is a day of trouble and rebuke the Children are come to the Birth and there is no strength to bring forth Isa 37. 3. Some time after reading Isa 66. it seemed to me that that word v. 9. was suited to my Case Shall I bring to the Birth and not cause to bring forth saith the Lord Shall I cause to bring forth and shut the Womb saith thy God O my Soul wait thou on God who will perfect his own work in thee He hath said He will not break the bruised Reed nor quench the smoking Flax till he sent forth judgment unto Victory I have oftimes seen a Law in my Members warring against the Law of my mind and leading me into Captivity to the Law of sin and death So powerful and mighty have been the Actings of some inward corruptions that I have not been able to overcome them but have been hurried Captive by them Hereby I come to see that truth the heart of man is desperately wicked who can know it I cannot fathom the depth of iniquity which is in my heart Hereupon I am made to cry out with St. Paul O wretched man that I am who shall deliver me from this body of Death O Lord be not thou far from me but make hast to help me Let the sighing of the Prisoner come before thee proclaim liberty to thy Captive and the opening of the Prison door to him that is bound with the Chain of sin Isa 61. 1. Mar. 26. 1654. I find that though in my judgment and Profession I acknowledge Christ to be my Righteousness and Peace yet upon Examination I observe that my heart hath done quite another thing and that secretly I have gone about to Establish my own Righteousness and have derived my Comfort and Peace from my own Actings For when I have been disquieted by the Actings of my sin that which hath recovered me to my former Peace hath not been that I could find God speaking Peace through the blood of Christ but rather from the intermission of temptation and the cessation of those sins when I have been troubled at an evil frame of heart I do not find that the Righteousness of Christ hath been my Consolation but that which hath relieved me as far as I can find was that afterward I found my self in a better temper Having been in trouble and perplexity I have read the Scripture gone to Prayer and in doing these I have been relieved yet I do not find that at such times I had real true living Communion with God in such duties or that the Spirit of God did in those duties reveal to me my interest in Christ and so quiet my Conscience Hence I come to see
unto punishment He is overcome whose armour is taken from him wherein he trusted Luk. 11. 22. Thus it is with Death Where Sin hath no dominion Death hath none for Death reigneth by Sin Now as for the sins of believers God to whom belongeth the forgiveness of sins saith Isa 44. 22. I have blotted out as a thick cloud thy transgresons and as a cloud thy sins Jer. 31. 34. I will forgive their iniquity and I will remember their sin no more Numb 23. 21. He hath not beheld iniquity in Jacob neither hath he seen perversness in Israel Mic. 7. 18 19. Who is a God like unto thee that pardoneth iniquity and passeth by the transgression of the remnant of his heritage Thou wilt Cast all their sins into the depths of the Sea Act. 10. 43. whosoever believeth in him shall receive remission of Sins What God said to repenting and believing David that he saieth to all believers 2 Sam. 12. 13. The Lord hath put away your sin ye shall not die Ye shall not die by the venemous sting of Death This indeed is in effect the whole victory over death This is the fatal mortal wound given to Death and will in time be the very Death of Death and therefore the Apostle triumpheth over it on that account vers 55. O Death where is thy sting What Luther sometimes said to God that may every Believer say to Death Feri Domine said he Strike Lord. Feri mors feri may they say Nam a peccatis absolutus sum Strike Death strike for my sins are pardoned Thou mayest kill me but thou canst not hurt me 2. Death is overcome to Believers in that it cannot amaze them with despairing terrors However it be to others it is not to them the King of Terrors Believers are freed from the bondage of the tormenting fear of Death Heb. â— 15. Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death saith David Psal 23. 4. I will fear no evil Elijah makes request for himself that he might die 1 King 19. 4. The three Children valiantly yielded their bodies to the fiery fornace Dan. 3. 16. 28. Lord now lettest thou thy Servant depart in peace saith good old Simeon Luk. 2. 29. Paul and Barnabas willingly hazarded their lives Act. 15. 16. Paul had a desire to be dissolved Phil. 1. 23. Those worthies Heb. 11. 35. would not accept deliverance The Primitive Martyrs would hasten to the stake Such Victory had they gotten of the fear of Death The grant of their Pardon and their discharge from Condemnation which God hath Sealed to them The peace of a good Conscience which they carry about with them Their apprehensions that their bodies are the Temples of the Holy Ghost which he will never desert or neglect Their assurance of the faithfulness and power of God into whose hands they commend their Spirit The fore-tasts of the sweetness of Communion with God and Jesus Christ to be fully enjoyed in the other world Their faith and hope of a blessed Resurrection to Immortality Their Evidences for Heaven These are powerful Arguments which they improve against the fear of Death and by the strength whereof they Triumph over it Object But for all this Are not Believers afraid to die Was not Abraham afraid when he thought he should be slain Gen. 20. 11. Did not David complain The terrors of death are fallen from me Ps 55. 4. Did not Hezekiah weep sore when it was said to him Thou shalt die Isa 38. 1. And who almost is not afraid Answ 1. There is a Natural fear of death as it is the dissolution of the Compositum a separation of Soul and Body which are so intimately united which is not sinful Believers are not free from this Grace doth not destroy Nature Nature will be Nature and act its part even in the best of Saints They who have the surest hope of Eternal life and clearest Evidences of their Salvation yea and have an unfained longing and desire after the Heavenly state have yet a natural aversness unto Death and do rather endure than desire it St. Paul saith for himself and other Believers that though they knew that if their Earthly house of this Tabernacle were dissolved they had a building of God an house not made with hands eternal in the Heavens and groaned earnestly desiring to be clothed upon with their house which is from Heaven yet they had a natural Love of life and abhorrence of death and their groaning was not that they would be unclothed 2 Cor. 5. 1 2 4. yea our Lord Jesus Christ himself in whom was no sin being found in fashion as a man when he humbled himself and became obedient unto death experienced this fear as the proper expression of his humane Nature When his hour was come Mar. 14. 33 34. He taketh with him Peter and James and John and began to be sore amazed and to be very heavy and saith my Soul is exceeding sorrowful unto death 2. There is a slavish inordinate sinful fear of death which Believers overcome and from which they are freed It was one end of Christs death that he might deliver his redeemed from fear of death to which they were holden in bondage Heb. 2. 15. To which yet some Believers are subject yea it may be All at sometimes more or less This ariseth from weakness of Faith from want of assurance from Conscience of lapses and contracted guilt from neglecting to search their own hearts from misapprehending and mis-judging their Spiritual state from inordinate love to this life and world c. for which they must blame themselves Believers as such so far as they are Believers are victorious Did they walk close with God improve grace received examine their own state wisely and judge thereof rightly Did they take hold of the Covenant of God live by Faith meditate on the Promises and apply them as their Portion which becometh Believers they might and would get above the slavish fears of Death In this method they might be ready to die and fear no evil When the Christian can say with David Psal 23. The Lord is my Shepherd he maketh me to lie down in green pastures he leadeth me besides the still waters he restoreth my Soul he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness He will then add also Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil 3. There is a despairing fear The presumptions of Hell the pre-occupation of Torment the fore-tasts of the wrath of the Almighty the scorchings of the Lake that burneth with fire and Brimstone that driveth the sinner past all hope and overwhelms the Soul in hideous darkness and horrible Confusions Have there not been instances of some wretched guilty Souls going out of the body as the Devil out of the Demoniack Mar. 9. renting and taring and wallowing and foming and raging and roaring again And were it not for the Atheism ignorance infidelity blindness hardness searedness flattery
or to write them upon their Houses and Lands which yet Death and Time have wholly obliterated But it is the Honour of many saints to be recorded in sacred Scripture beyond all danger of Oblivion as great examples of Piety and Holiness towards God and of service to the Church of God in their generation And God hath since by his providence in all ages secured to his more eminent saints and servants the like Honour stirring up some survivors to embalm their precious Name and memory by recording and reporting the dead to posterity in more lasting monuments as great Instances of the Grace of God special matter of his praise and approved patterns as well for the encouragement as the imitation of the Living How dispised soever this excellent servant of Jesus Christ the subject we have to write of hath been in the eyes of some of his Generation yet I am persuaded none of the worthies in the Church of God that are gone before him will count it any disparagement to their Honour that he be added to their number whose precious Names survive their death The Records which have been made and published of the Lives of many Excellent and holy persons consist for the most part only of Such passages as have fallen under the observation of those who have more intimately and frequently conversed with them many hands have Contributed to the collecting of some more remarkable words and actions which an Ingenious pen in just honour to the Subject improveth as Indices of those singular accomplishments of mind and heart which are beyond the reach of the most observant Eye And were there nothing else to be recovered Concerning the subject before us but what might be so collected from the hands of those who had the happy advantage to know fully his Doctrine manner of Life Purpose Faith long Suffering Charity patience c. I doubt not but if managed by a skillful pen it would justly amount to such a character of him as might worthily render him a more than Ordinary example of Faith and Holiness of Scripturall knowledge and practice as well to the preachers as professors of the Gospel of Christ to the praise of the Glory of the Grace of God But their is less need of this in reference to our subject Himself having not only in great measure prevented and saved his friends that labour and service but moreover discovered the inmost secrets of his heart towards God beyond all that could be known of him by the Strictest observation of others What hath been the advantagious practice sometimes though very rare of some eminent Servants of God who have made Religion their business viz. to write Curriculum vita the manner and course of their own life appears to have been his He not only kept a strict Eye upon himself and took special notice of his own heart and wayes and the manner of his spiritual living unto God but lest he should forget and render it useless committed the same to paper recording the dealings of God towards him the workings of corruption and grace his Conflicts and Temptations the secret Intercourse and Communion between God and his Soul the approaches and withdrawings of the Holy Spirit his liftings up and castings down the actings of Faith and Love Divine assistance in Duty return of prayers the clearness of his evidences and rejoycings of his hopes c. Wherein the life and power of true Religion doth more consist than in all open and visibel acts Out of this Treasury which is enough to Supply a far larger volume hath been fetched the greatest part of that furniture which filleth these pages and that mostly in his own words You that read may therefore imagine you hear this holy Prophet bespeaking you in the words of another Prophet Come and read all ye that fear God and I will tell you what he hath done for my soul My own experience assureth me that to those who are engaged in the Spiritual War and running the Christian race and have set their faces towards God It will be useful encouraging delightful and satisfactory to read so much of the sense and feeling of their own hearts in the experiences of this Blessed Saint The greatest part of whom yet I believe will find cause to be ashamed before God seeing themselves so far cast behind and may be provoked to mend their pace in pressing forward towards the mark to which he hath attained As for such as rest in their negative goodness and commendable moralls their form of Godliness and bodily exercise in religion without the life and power thereof who knows but they may be convinced of the vanity of their hopes and the sandy foundation whereon they have built them and that yet they lack something while they read the thoughts affections and workings of his holy heart his understanding improvement of the Holy Scriptures and his Spiritual communion with the Holy God to which themselves are altogether strangers But such is the enmity and contradiction of the carnal mind to the spirit and grace of God that I cannot be without jealousie that much of what is true written will be matter of scorn and derision to the profane Generation However as the word of God delivered in the Scriptures and dispensed in the Ministry thereof hath its divers and contrary effects upon diverse contrary subjects whereon yet God knows how to raise his own Glory so shall the same word Exemplified in the life of this now glorified saint have the like effects on them that read it To the humble and teachable it shall be in adjutorium but to the scorners and despisers in Testimonium THE RELATION MR. Owen Stockton was born in the City of Chichester in the County of Sussex the last week of May 1630. was the fourth Son of his Father Mr. Owen Stockton a worthy Prebendary of that Cathedral who was a younger brother of that ancient family of the Stocktons of Kiddington Green in Cheshire About the seventh year of his age his Father dyed and left the care of him and his other Children to their Mother a pious Gentlewoman of the family of the Tilees in Cambridgeshire She being a Widdow and stranger in Chichester soon after the death of her Husband returned to her native Country and setled her self at Ely where was a very good Grammar School under the Government of Mr. William Hitches to whose care she committed this her Son for his education From a Child he was of great hopes while yet a little Grammar Schollar his inclination was such as presaged more than ordinary improvement Looking once accidentally into Mr. Fox his Acts and Monuments Ecclesiastical in one of the parish Churches of that Town and reading some little part thereof he was so affected with the knowledge of that History that he never ceased to supplicate his friends till he had obtained one part of them for his use Wherein declining the puerile recreations to which his
being so suited to some reasonings and doubts that I had upon my mind and coming so seasonably at my first fixing at Chattisham I was much affected with it and looked upon it as a token for good that I should have Gods presence with me and the teachings of his Spirit at Chattisham as I have had them at Colchester The encouragement which he thus took was not vain and empty God remembred his word unto his Servant wherein he had caused him to hope For he not only enclined the hearts of the people among whom he lived though strangers to him to pay him that Respect and Honour which was due to him and indulged him the liberty of private Preaching as he had before enjoyed but moreover opened to him in this place a door for the frequent publick exercise of his Ministry which was shut against him at Colchester The Minister of the Parish having another cure by reason whereof he could attend this at Chattisham but once a fortnight did in his absence not only willingly but thankfully indulge to Mr. Stockton the liberty of his Pulpit And having a very small maintenance and some burdens lying heavy upon him which after a few years made his residence there very uneasie to him he deserted his charge and left this flock to shift for themselves Whereupon at the request of the people Mr. Stockton frequently supplyed that vacancy And his Zeal provoked and encouraged others also both Ministers and People For other neighbouring Parishes being destitute of Ministers for want of maintenance called in the help of Non-Conformists who in these places so much below envye have enjoyed the liberty of their publick Preaching for the most part to this day So as not only the Parish where he lived but the neighbouring Vllages have abundant cause to bless God for sending to them so happy an Instrument so willing and Zealous so able and industrious to serve their Souls in the Gospel of Christ When it pleased his Majesty to set forth his most Gracious Declaration for Indulgence he was chosen both by a Congregation in Ipswhich and another in Colchester to preach to them And both being very desirous of him he complied with their desires as far as he could and undertook half the Service of either and so with others divided his labours between them during his life to their great Satisfaction and edification His labours were abundant His Ministry was his whole business Besides his Lords days service wherein he not only preached twice but oft expounded the Scriptures and Catechised the younger sort and many times discoursed particular Christians that applyed themselves to him for Counsel and instruction about their Spiritual cases He moreover preached a Lecture at Ipswich on the weekday once a fort-night and scarce a week passed but he preached at some other Lecture or funeral besides keeping of private fasts which he frequently practised both at home and abroad The providence of God over him while he was thus Zealously and constantly imployed in his work in so many places was so remarkable that it must not be passed over without special observation Notwithstanding the Severity of the Laws the malice watchfulness and endeavours of Adversaries yet God Suffered not an hair to fall from his head though Complaints Informations Indictments Convictions Warrant Presentments Excommunications were made against him yet was he never imprisoned apprehended distrained or brought before any Court or Magistrate He was much affected with this care of God over him and thankfully accepted and recorded it as the instance of Gods faithfulness and performance of his promise as the answer of his own faith and Prayer and as the reward of his love and Zeal and courage for God and his Church by the power whereof he lived above fears and dangers for thus he writes Apr. 16. 1655. Being Lords day In the morning I awaked with that Scripture in my thoughts 1 Tim. 1. 15. I dwelt a while upon it and drew comfort and relief for my faith by the help of God I had been before under a great sense of the sinfulness of my heart The comfort I had was that Christ came to save the chief of Sinners that this was a faithful saying that it was worthy all acceptation or to be embraced by every one and that this Salvation was from sin as well as from hell Math. 1. 21. Considering whether he would save me as I was going to wash in the morning I was satisfied from Joh. 6. 37. Him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out It being then a time of danger as to the keeping of my Meetings because many Souldiers were in Town I being dubious whether I should admit the people to come to my house when I considered that Christ took it as an act of Love to feed his sheep Joh. 21. 15. and that he exposed himself to Death to save me and bring under a sense of the Comfort that the Lord had given me in the morning in my Meditations on the 1 Tim. 1. 15. I was willing to adventure my self on the Providence of God Sept. 19. As I was Expounding in my Family the 91 Psalm on a day of Humiliation I was much encouraged to go on in my Calling notwithstanding the difficulties that attend the same by reason of many Adversaries from v. 11 12 13. Though the Adversaries to private Meetings and the Preaching of Non-Conformists be of several sorts as strong as Lions as full of venom as the Dragon such as are greedy of and roar after the prey like the young Lion as subtle and pertinacious and obstinate in their way as the Adder of which see Ps 58. 4 5. yet the Angels have a charge to keep us in all our ways and the promise is that we shall trample these under our feet This promise gave me courage whilst at Colchester and I saw it made good for I went on in my Calling and had no harm from them I observed also in reading Dan. 6. 23. the power of Faith to deliver out of great and imminent danger Daniel is cast into a Den of hungry Lions yet no manner of hurt is found upon him because he believed in his God Sept. 22. In my Family exercise as I was reading Ps 146. 9. The Lord preserveth the Strangers my Faith received strength I enjoyed much peace and security in Colchester I had met with no molestation either from the Town or County but being come into a strange place where I was not known and had no friends to shelter or speak for me I apprehended my self to walk in more danger than before this word The Lord preserveth the Strangers did help my dependance upon God Oct. 28 1666. Being Sabbath day I went forth to Preach at Manitree In the morning before I went the Lord gave in that promise Isa 55. 12. Ye shall be led forth with peace It being a time of trouble and danger for Non-conformists to Preach publickly the promise was the
what great need I have and that it is of singular use to watch over my Soul in all its ways both in reference to sin that I fall not into it and when fallen what the Carriage and Actings of my Soul are at such a time Whether I flee for relief to God in Christ or to my own works And in reference to my duties to take heed lest those means which God hath appointed to be the conveyances of himself his Son and Spirit and all Spiritual blessings should prove to me a mean of Death and Separation from God by my formal use of them and resting in them For as Satan keeps some alienated from God by the gross pollutions of the world So others from Christ by their Establishing a Righteousness of their own O Lord break thou this snare for me and let my Soul escape as a bird from the Net that I may flee to thee and be at rest I have observed in my self that when God at any time is pleased to work any thing in my Soul I soon lose it if he quicken me I soon grow dead hearted again if he enliven my affections they soon grow cold and flat and my old hardness returns upon me Hence I come to see that it is infinite Wisdom and Goodness in God that he hath not put the stock of grace into our own hands but hath treasured it up in Christ that our life is now hid with Christ in God for so it becomes sure Rom. 4. 16. hereby also I come to see that I have need of continual recourse to Jesus Christ for new supplies of grace and strength The Lord God in his wisdom was pleased when he delivered his people out of Egypt before he brought them to Canaan to lead them 40 years in the wilderness when as he could have led them a nearer way to Canaan Exod. 13. 17. He chose rather to lead them through the great and terrible Wilderness Jer. 2. 6. where were fiery Serpents and Scorpions and drought where there was no water where he brought them forth water out of the Rock of Flint and fed them with Manna for this end that he might humble them prove them and do them good in the latter end Deut. 8. 15 16. Doest thou find it so O my Soul in thy travail towards the Heavenly Canaan Doest thou walk through much Spiritual drought a land of deserts and of the shadow of death Dost meet with a flinty heart and fiery temptations Know that the Lord doth this to humble thee which through his grace thou hast sometimes found and to prove thee i. e to discover thee to thy self for he himself knows thy thoughts afar off and this way of God through grace hath been a means of discovering much of thy corrupt heart to thee and that he may doe thee good in the latter end Therefore take heed O my Soul of Israel's sins of murmuring against God under thy wants of unbeleif and tempting God c. Read oft and weight well the 78th Psalm May 6. being Sabbath day The Lord was pleased in the hearing of his word to convince me of my sin and lost condition But Lord How unfaithful was I then and have I been since to the Convictions of thy Spirit How soon have I healed up the wound that was given by the word How soon hath an hard heart a secure careless Spirit taken possession of me Lord If ever thy word be effectual in me thou must not only speak it to my heart but write and engraff it there also Henceforth I desire to wait on thee as for the teachings of thy Spirit so for the writing of thy Law in my heart by thy Spirit I found a lothness in my Spirit to go to here this Sermon whereby I perceive Satan would have hindred me Be encouraged hence O my Soul to break through all difficulties thou meetest with in doing thy duty When thou findest any secret unwillingness to ordinances or duties then stir up thy self to wait upon God expecting that he hath some special mercy for thee which Satan would hinder thee off Jun. 1. This day the Lord did in the hearing of his word revive some convictions which have formerly been upon my Spirit though in a very languid manner I stood convinced before the Lord of unbelief and that I was a lost creature because thereof from the words of our Saviour Joh. 3. 18. He that believeth not is Condemned already Conscience tells me that I am yet in unbelief that I want that faith which is accompanied with the new birth Joh. 1. 12 13. that faith which should purge me from Atheism formality and resting in duties from hypocrisie and deadness from unclean affections and inordinate Love of the world from a vain mind and a light Spirit that faith which should purifie my heart from these and the like evils Act. 15. 9. that faith which should make Christ a greater Reality and more precious to me than any thing in the world 1 Pet. 2. 7. that faith which brings peace with God and joy in the Holy Ghost unspeakable and full of Glory Rom. 5. 1. 1 Pet. 1. 8. I find I have had a dead faith Jam. 2. 17 20. and presumed upon Gods Mercy in Christ although I have been estranged from God in my heart and Nature my Resting in duties and trusting in my own Righteousness as far as I can see hath been the deceit of my heart Lord lay this conviction upon my Conscience for I find my heart would put it off yea it hath already desperately hardned it self against thee I fear I shall out-grow this Conviction of thy word as at other times I feel a careless Spirit that would make light of Eternity and of Jesus Christ Lord break my heart under thy word for my unbelief and neglect of Christ Let me not heal my self but wait till thou shalt heal me Thou didst help the unbelief of thy Servant Thomas Oh that thou wouldest help mine also The Lord hath shewn me that I am dead in sin not only from the testimony of his word Eph. 2. 1. Col. 2. 13. but by inward experience For I feel my self alienated from the life of God cut off from communion with the Lord Jesus separate from God and his blessed Spirit My deceitful heart hath often gone about to repel this conviction and hath caused me sometimes to mistake a life of morality for Spiritual life and at other times a life of formality But now I find the Scripture speaks of dead works and calls for repentance from them Heb. 6. 1. and purging our consciences from them Heb. 9. 14. By dead works I understand not only the gross pollutions of the World but all works whatever that are done by a man void of the quickning Spirit of God Without Union to Christ there is no Spiritual life for as the natural life results from the Union of the Soul with the body and the State of death is nothing but the
to want nor how to abound apt to murmur and repine in Straits and to be lifted up and grow secure in Enlargements O Lord in every Condition I need thy grace to teach me how to behave my self O shew me thy way and lead me therein for thy Name-sake Also the Lord taught me hence that I ought to be patient under his hand when he hideth his Face and to resign up my will to his Will inasmuch as I do not know what is good for my self The Lord seeth I should be worse it may be if I enjoyed more than I do and therefore in wisdom and mercy he keeps me in a low Condition My confusion sometimes hath been so great that I have been so unsetled and at such a loss in my Soul that I knew not what to do all former workings have been questioned and judged as nothing In the hour of such temptation the Lord taught me besides Prayer and searching into my Soul to have recourse to former experiences Psal 77. 10 11. and Psal 85. Octob. 11. In the morning I bewailed it before God that I was still at a loss to know whether I loved him and after Prayer I read 1 Joh. 2 ch and I was made in a more special manner to take notice of v. 5. Whoso keepeth his word in him verily is the love of God perfected Me-thought I saw God Answering my Prayer and telling me out of this word that I loved him In him verily 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 it is a sure sign of Love to God we need not doubt of it if we keep his Word Now if I know my own heart I desire to do so if the Love of God be perfected in him that keeps his Word then surely it is begun in him that desires and endeavours to keep his Word Jan. 25. The Lord helped me with Tears to bewall mine abominations even my Original and actual sins my formality Earthliness alienation from him c. therein he did remember and fulfil that gracious promise Ezek. 36. 31. I found Godly sorrow sweet not only in the root and fountain thereof it being a Covenant blessing but in the very Actings of it Feb. 2. In the Evening upon my Bed the Lord did graciously melt my heart in the sight of sin under this Consideration that it was against infinite Love I was ashamed confounded and abashed because I had so long slighted neglected Rebelled against a God of Love My Soul even trembled at it Jan. 15. 1655. Having been the day before with one under great Temptations and hearing of another under a wounded Spirit my heart was melted in Prayer whilst I was praising God for his long patience in the days of my sinning and his tenderness and gentleness towards me in my Conversion Jan. 16. I found my heart drawn out to a recumbence on Jesus Christ The Spirit saith Come Rev. 22. 17. Christ saith Come Joh. 7. 37. And the Father saith Come Mat. 22. 4. And who am I O Lord that I should gainsay such Invitations Behold O Lord I come and put my trust in thee Jan. 26. I Preached twice and had very gracious assistance much beyond expectation in the week before I was much indisposed and could not get my heart to a setled meditation of what I was to speak I was under a great sense of my impotency and laboured in the fire till Saturday Afternoon when I cried to the Lord he was gracious to me and Answered me After my work was over I was much assaulted with Spiritual Pride I saw plainly the reason of Gods delaying his Assistance and giving me such sense of my weakness was to keep me humble Every way O Lord I see my own vileness when thou withdrawest from me then my heart dieth and my strength fails and I am ready to be froward When thou enlargest me then I am ready to be puffed up Oh pardon and purge away all my sin for thy Names sake Mar. 23. In Singing the 15 th Psalm I found Comfort my Conscience bearing me witness that I laboured after those things which are set down as Characters of a Citizen of the New Jerusalem Sept. 28. I had sweet Meditations upon my Bed I found God in my morning Prayer also in private and assistance in Preaching but not such an influence of the Spirit in publick Prayer as I have sometimes found Yet I had begged of God that he would give me his presence in publick as a token that he accepted of me and my work but he withdrew I feared hereupon that I had tempted God and sinned in begging new signs of his favour when I had had such great experience of his goodness many times before Lord forgive the sin of thy Servant Nov. 23. Examining my self about a work of Grace I had some Comfort from Ps 40. 8. Delight in doing the will of God is an Argument of the Law written in the heart Now I found that I had a delight especially in some duties as visiting the Sick comforting of distressed Consciences c. I was somewhat terrified from that word in Job ch 42. 7. I was afraid least in my Preaching I should sometimes speak those things of God that were not right and soon after going to Prayer I was in time of Prayer comforted from Joh. 16. 13. The Spirit shall guide you into all truth Dec. 7. I found the Lord very much Answering my Prayer in giving very gracious and powerful Assistance both in Prayer and Preaching at Trinity Lecture on Sabbath day I may say as Jaber 1 Chron. 4. 10. who said Oh that thou wouldest bless me indeed and be with me And God granted my request The next morning there came a woman to me and said she was troubled at the Sermon that she could scarce sleep all night for she bad not gone so far as the Scribes and Pharisees and that which added to the mercy was God kept me humble after this enlargement Mar. 31. 1657. I had a very evident Answer of Prayer I was at a pinch for some money I begged of God that I might be supplied and that Afternoon one to whom I had lent a little money brought it me which was enough for my present necessities the Circumstances were very remarkable I sought the Lord also to be with the Parish in the choice of their Church-Wardens and there were those two chosen whom if I had had the Nomination I should have chosen my self Apr. 21. I kept a day of Fast to the Lord. I found God graciously with me in Prayer the chief thing that I propounded was to seek direction as to my Preaching on Week-days Among other things I begged of God a supply of my wants being in some straits for want of money That very night one brought me 10 s. for Preaching a Funeral Sermon which I expected not and the next morning the Church-Wardens of St. Andrews Parish brought me 7 l. and upwards whereby I was sufficiently supplied I could not but take notice of
the Covenant for he promiseth to make an Everlasting Covenant with such as come to him Isa 55. 3. 2. My engaging my heart to approach to God Jer. 30. 21 22. 3. My being one of Gods Servants as before Isa 41. 9 10 Thou art my Servant I am thy God 4. The Law of God in my heart and my delight to do the will of God Jer. 31. 33. Ps 40. 8. 5. My fear of God Jer. 32. 38 39 40. which fear is discerned by eschewing and departing from evil Job 1. 1. Prov. 16. 6. 6. My choosing the Lord for my God Ps 16. 2. and voluntary giving up my self to him to obey his voice and keep his ways Deut. 26. 17 18 19. Jer. 7. 23. 7. My willingness to leave earthly Enjoyments at the call of God setting loose to the world looking upon my self as a Stranger and Pilgrim on the Earth and preferring and seeking Heavenly things above Earthly For God is not ashamed to be called their God that are and do thus 11. 13 14 15. 16. Hence I infer for my Comfort 1. Gods Audience of my Prayers Mic. 7. 7. 2. Gods presence with me in all Conditions Isa 43. 1 2 3. 3. A supply of all my wants Ps 23. 1. 4. Strength and Assistance to all Services or Sufferings Isa 41. 10. 5. He will be my God and Guide for ever Ps 48. 14. 6. He will Pardon my sins and not forsake and cast me off Mic. 7. 17 18 19. 1 Sam. 12. 20 22. Jer. 51. 5. And I Charge it on my self as my Duty 1. To walk humbly with God Mic. 6. 8. 2. To seek him early Ps 63. 1. 3. To praise and exalt him Ps 116. 28. 4. To Love him above all with all my heart Deut. 6. 5. 5. To turn to him when ever I shall depart from him Hos 12. 6. 6. To trust in him continually for all things Psal 18. 2 91. 2. Yea in times of greatest danger distress and fear Psal 31. 13 14. Ps 42. 11. 1 Sam. 30. 4. 6. Evidences of Gods Love to my Soul 1. His drawing of me to Christ Jer 31. 3. Whom God drawes he Loveth with an everlasting Love Now I find that God hath drawn me because my Soul is come to Christ and goeth dayly to him and no man can come to Christ except the Father draw him Joh. 6. 44. 2. His giving me Faith He loveth those that through the Word believe in his Son even as he loveth his own Son Joh. 17. 20. 23. 3. God Loveth those that Love him and that Love his Son Jesus Christ Prov. 8. 17. 1 Joh. 4. 19. Joh. 14. 21. 16. 27. I find that God hath given me an heart to Love him and his Son Jesus Christ 4. A Principle of Spiritual life infused into my Soul whereby I live to God is an Evidence of Gods Love to me Ezek. 16. 6. 8 Eph. 2. 4 5. 5. God Loveth not only the Righteous Ps 146. 8. but such also as follow after Righteousness Prov. 15. 9. which through grace I find he hath caused me to do My Comfort in this is that this is an everlasting Love Jer. 31. 3. Joh. 13. 1. Nothing shall separate me from it Rom. 8. 38 39. No not my Sins Ps 89. 30 31 32 33 34. Though the Mountains and hills depart his loving-kindness shall not depart Isa 54. 10. Admire and Adore this Love Oh my Soul 1 Joh. 3 1. Evidences of Gods accepting my Person and Services This enquiry is necessary 1 st Because both work and Person must come to judgment 2 Cor. 5. 9 10. 2 ly Though it be a mercy to have our Service accepted of the Saints Rom. 15. 30 31. Yet the main thing we should labour for is to be approved of God 2 Tim. 2. 15. For the approbation of men without the acceptation of God is little worth 2 Cor. 10. ult Evidence 1. Isa 56. 6 7. There the Lord promiseth to accept their Burnt-Offerings and Sacrifices upon his Altar that is all their Services which they perform in Christs Name who is called an Altar Heb. 13. 10. and who was Typified by the Altar under the Mosaical Law who joyn themselves to the Lord to Love and serve him and keep his Sabbath and take hold of his Covenant Even to every such Person he promiseth acceptation of their Services signified by Burnt-Offerings and Sacrifices Now blessed be God he hath enabled me by grace in some measure thus to do 2. Rom. 14. 18. He that in these things serveth Christ is acceptable to God In these things i. e. in Righteousness Peace and joy mentioned v. 17. Here I see that when in obedience to Christs Command and in discharge of the work and Calling I have been called to by Christ I endeavour by Preaching Writing Conference private Instruction to beget or promote Righteousness Peace or joy in the Holy Ghost I am accepted of God 3. Act. 10. 35. In every Nation he that feareth God and worketh righteousness is accepted of him We then work righteousness when we work that which God commands us Ps 119. 172. All thy Commandments are righteousness This I endeavour 4. Gen. 4. 7. If thou doest well shalt thou not be accepted Then we do well when we serve the Lord faithfully Mat. 25. 23. and when we shew Love to our Neighbour Jam. 2. 8. whereof I have the Testimony of my Conscience Evidences of Eternal Life God hath out of his free grace blessed be his Name given me good hope of Eternal Life from these Scriptures 1. Joh. 3. 16. Whosoever believeth in Christ shall not perish but have everlasting life This promise hath oft refreshed and satisfied my Soul when I have been Communing with my own heart about the grounds of my hope of Eternal Life For I find that God hath given me an heart to believe in Christ and the promise is Whosoever believeth without any exception of the greatness frequency or long continuance of our sins when I have been unable to work the works of God I have found an heart to believe 2. 2 Sam. 23. 5. Although my house be not so with God yet God hath made with me an everlasting Covenant ordered in all things and sure for this is all my Salvation and all my desire although he make it not to grow Here I observed 1 st That being in Covenant with God is a sufficient ground to hope for Salvation This is all my Salvation he hath made with me an everlasting Covenant 2 ly The sinful infirmities and miscarriages of the Servants of God should not discourage them from hoping in God for Eternal Salvation by vertue of his Covenant David had been guilty of several miscarriages besides his great failing in the matter of Uriah as unbelief 1 Sam. 27. 1. dissimulation and lying to Achish v. 10. Unkind if not unjust dealing with Mephihosheth in giving away half his Estate upon a false Accusation of Ziba 2 Sam. 19. 27 28 29. c. Yet in a dying hour he