a Prison Love How now Tom Revelling Faith O are you come By your favour fellow Pris'ners I must spoil the Dance Friend Garry this Crown to the poor Pris'ners farewell Friend Are you fully satisfy'd Squeez He is discharg'd and may go when he pleases Friend Lord Ned how this Fellow looks Let me see what does he look like Love Why faith he looks like a poor Whore turn'd out of an Inns of Court half drunk at four a Clock in the Morning Friend Or like a Gipsie that has been let down a Chimney and drawn up again with a Gammon of Bacon at her Breech Faith Why Gentlemen had you been where I was it would have made you look a little uglier than ordinary Love If thou wert but a little uglier than ordinary as thou say'st a man might endure to look on thee Tom but as I live thy Face looks just of the colour of a Red-herring and thy hands like a Saylers that have been steept two dayes in Tarr and Tallow And any body will swear by thy Linnen thou hast robb'd a French Lacquey Friend This Fellow stinks so of Tobacco that there is no way to make him smell sweet and look like a man but to take him down to the Thames and have him drawn twice or thrice cross the Water at the tail of a Sculler Faith Say you so Signior Snowt if you bee'nt smoak-dry'd in the same place before you have washt your Hands for to morrow's Dinner I 'le be bound to hang for you Friend Why was there ever such a simple sot as thou art To have money in thy pocket and be sent to Prison for fourteen shillings Why the Devil did you not pay it but it may be you had a mind to see the Lodging you must last live in Love If you had given her the money she had no more to do with you one would imagine you want brains as well as money but perhaps you 've a fancy to be lowsie But wee 'le let that pass Look here 's more money Tom. Faith What from the same hand Ladds Friend This is nothing there is that in hand will make us all happy Faith If that which is in hand won't I don't know what will come what designs have you let me know all Friend Come wee 'le trust you for once we two are to be married to morrow to two of the greatest Beauties and Fortunes within twenty miles Enter Runwell Faith Where and to whom dear Rogues tantalize me no longer Love Faith Tom I don't know yet my self but here comes one I believe will better inform me what news Runwell Run Sir I must have leave to take breath before I can tell my tale you must be by four a Clock to morrow morning and Mr. Friendly with you at the Corner But here 's a Letter will fully inform you and here 's one for you Sir Love By this hand Franck I 'm afraid to look into mine lest there should be less in it than I expected Friend I 'm under the same sence of fear prethee Ned open thine and put me out of pain Love 'T is better to know a man's Fate than fear it I 'le venture Reades SIR BE sure you fail not to meet me and Mr. Friendly my Cousin Fickle at the Corner of our Garden in the green Meadow about four of the Clock to Morrow Morning Provide your Parson ready at some Church in London that may do the bus'ness without delay My Consin is as well resolv'd for Mr. Friendly as I am for you Your Servant L. P. Postscript Pray send back your Man that he may be with Betty so if the bus'ness should fail he may be able to help us Love Mine is Franck as I could wish how sounds thine Friend There 's all the harmony of love in 't but Ned what shall we do for a Levite Faith Leave that to me I 'le provide Old Legit the Reader who is in Orders and will do the bus'ness as fast as a Bishop and tye you together to Eternity And I can borrow the Keyes of the Sexton of St. Giles's for less than five shillings and a full Flaggon of mild Beer Therefore bear up Boys Love You 're sure you can do this if you fail us wee 're all undone Friend Consider Tom our bus'ness is your own for as the case stands with us so it does with you either happy or miserable Faith Trouble your self no further if I fail one of you shall have my Ears and t'other my eyes So farewel Friends I 'le about it instantly Exit Faithfull Love Run you back to Betty and stay there till you hear from me Run I flye Sir Exit Runwell Love Franck go you and provide the Coach and I 'le make every thing else ready meet me to night at the Devil Tavern there wee 'le stay till two a Clock and so set forward Friend I 'le not fail Exeunt Scena quinta Enter Leftwell Leticia Fickle Betty Let. I should take it very kindly Mr. Leftwell if you would go now and give me leave to go to bed Fick Your Bride will never get up to morrow morning to be married if you keep her up so late to night Pray Mr. Leftwell leave us Left I won't go till I please may'nt I do what I will if I have a mind to 't with my own Wife I believe my Father would give me leave to lye with her to night if I askt it Betty What before you are married That would be a sight worth seeing indeed I'faith if you won't go down Mr. Leftwell I shall make bold to beat you down with the Bed-staffs What I 'm sure my Old Master did not send you up to day at Noon to see us a bed Will you be gone and give my Mistress leave to go to Bed I shall beat you down with the Bed-staff else Let. Holdâ— Betty don't beat him wee 'le perswade him civilly Pray Mr. Leftwell be Civil and do not undertake to stay longer where it cannot be allow'd of with modesty Fick Lord Sir is your Stomack so great that you can't stay till to morrow Night and so take lawful Possession but press in in an illegall manner into a place a day before you have a priviledge I assure you the World will think you want wit strangely in attempting it Left Well if I don't go down and do your Etrand to my Father Mistress let me live lowsie and dye upon a Dung-hill For your part I shall turn you out of Service to Morrow To Betty night like a sawcy Slut as you are And I 'le beat your sweet-heart till his bones rattle in his skin I swear by my Sword I 'le squeeze him like a Turnip between two Trenchers and there 's a word for all Exit Leftwell Let. Now hee 's gone let 's not trouble our selves to talk of him but make provision for the Morning's Adventure 'T is now almost twelve and you know they 'le be at the back-gate by four a
it 'T were sin to doubt his Love Let. Betty I doubt you 'le prove my Rival could you find in your heart to love him if I should leave him Betty If I could not I wish I might dye a Maid which would be much against my will Madam Let. Heark does not some body knock at the Garden Gate Go see who ' t is Betty I go Madam I vow I hope from my heart 't is he Exit Betty Let. I love him well yet if I marry him I 'm lost and left to languish in a life of loathed poverty for he is poor And 't is because he has a generous soul he is so My Father cannot hear of him with patience for he had rather wed me to a Brute with Money than to the best of Men that wants it That Age should so defective be in Reason as to prefer this sordid Dung-hill Earth before the best of Gallantry and worth Enter Lovewell But here he comes and Betty gone this Baggage never fails to leave him to all opportunities but I 'le act a Womans part for once I 'le appear strange to try him Love My dear Leticia Let. Soft Sir you have been away so long you have forgot your duty I pityed you whilst you knew Civility and for that reason indulg'd you and thought to have perswaded my Maid to Marry you and got my Father to put you into a Farm in hopes you would in a little time become a perfect Plough-man Your mis-behaviour now makes me believe now you have been one And so good b'ye Sir Love Dear Madam let me conjure you Let. Hold Sir no conjurations if you have any thing to say speak soberly and at distance I find allowing you too near address begets you confidence Love Will not this posture serve as well as any Kneels Let. I truly I think that best becomes you now go on Sir Love Then I proceed and beg a knowledge of my Crimes and why I find those killing frowns a Cloud on that fair face which was alwayes wont to wear such smiles as sweetned all my sorrows and made me triumph in despight of tears Have I done ill tell me that I may dye 'T were Villany to live after a Crime committed against you Enter to them Pett her Father Pett How 's this Certainly that Fellow believes my Daughter to be the Goddess Ceres and he 's begging bread I'faith I shall put you besides your Petition De'you hear Sir there 's nothing for you I can assure you Let. We 're both undone My Father what will you do Pett Friend what 's your business here A man would guess by your Clothes you should have more kindness for your stockings than to beg on your knees 'T is ten to one whether she had given you enough to have mended what you wore out in your worship But heark you Sir I believe by your face you come to sollicite her Love Pray pack off Sir or I 'le make my Cane walk about your Coxcomb Love Pray Sir will you Pett Pray Sir Pray me no prays but be gone or I shall remove you at a very unmannerly rate Will you stir Sir Love Let me intreat Pett I 'le spoil your entreaties with a pox to you Put this Fellow out of doors and see him pumpt Let. Good Sir have a little pity of the poor Gentleman being hard pursu'd by Bayliffs he to avoyd them got over the Garden Wall and fearful he had frighted me when you came in was earnestly asking pardon Now Sir you know the full of his offence I hope you will retract your Sentence Pett I thought 't was some such Run-away-Rascal no he shan't be pumpt but turn him out to the liberty of the Law let him pay or to Prison a Gods name turn him out of doors there Exit Love Come Daughter I hope in a short time to have a Husband for you in the mean while I shall keep you from such Cattle as this for I begin to find this is but an excuse to hide this beggarly Fellow's kindness Let me ever see you with him again and you shall ee'ne to him for altogether with as many tatters as he has for I am resolv'd to dis-own you Let. Sir you know my affections hitherto have waited on your will and shall do still Pet. I wish they may come in with me Exeunt Scena tertia Enter Goody Fells Friendly Faithful Fells Good Morrow Gentlemen I suppose you think I can feed upon Faggot sticks or pay my Rent with Cheese parings why what do you mean Gentlemen What do you mean Must I never have my Money here is now seven shillings for seven weeks lodging and as much for dyet and washing the little linnen you have God knows this is money in a poor Womans pocket Gentlemen Friend Dear Land-lady be mollified let not your passion put you besides your Reason Fells Talk not to me of Reason wretch as thou art give me my Money I 'le make more than one know on 't else Then there 's that blundering Sot your Companion that stands sneering and says nothing could come and borrow Money of my Maid I 'le call her to witness it Faith Well what then Beldame Fells Well 't is very well if Young Wenches must work to lend you their wages Faith You Dame damnable hold your bawling tongue in the Devils name and cease dunning or I 'le draw it out of your Mouth as long as my Arm. Friend Prethee hold thy idle prating you must give better words fore George we shall get no Dinner else to day Come Land-lady let me perswade you into peace a little time will enable us to pay you all I have a Bill of Exchange to receive a hundred pounds within six weeks and it shall all wait upon thy Command dear Landlady Fells Gentlemen you know Gentlemen I am as unwilling to speak as the Child unborn but when I am forc'd to it you must not take it ill I want four shillings of my Quarters Rent for my House to make it up five and twenty if you could but furnish me with that it would do me a mighty kindness Faith Pox of your old ugly abominable no more dunning Fells O you Rogue I will ask for my own when you are hang'd Sirrah han't I been fain to lend you my own Shift to wear whilst yours was washt to keep you from being lowsie Don't you now weat my poor dead Husband's I cannot speak of him without tears Weeps Friend Poor Land-lady lament no more 't is true Will was an honest fellow and one that liv'd in the fear as a Man may say and would drink off his quart or two of Ale as quietly as a Quaker upon another Mans cost Fells I Mr. Friendly you knew him Don't you remember when I sold Fruit first how he beat Christopher Crab the Coster-monger for calling o' me Grundy he would not let a Lamb wrong me he us'd alwayes to call me his Monkey Friend Ay marry did he But
Leftwell Moses They pretend not to see him but walk discontentedly over the Stage Left Why Ned why Franck why Franck why Ned You see I 'm not worse than my word I 'm just for Hackney now the Wedding Clothes are gone before once more I beg you not to fail me Love I Sir would willingly perform what Service my ability can reach to and so I 'm certain would Franck here but Left But what why what 's the matter Man Why thou art grievous Melancholy Prethee tell me what 's the matter Friend Alas Sir 't will but trouble you to hear your Friend's misfortunes Love For my part Sir I grieve not at my own I could laugh at them but that I should fail you it makes me almost mad Left Prethee dear Ned tell me what 's the matter I protest you make tears stand in my eyes let me know the cause quickly or I shall cry out-right I would not I protest for a thousand pounds you should fail me I shall lose such a fortune I shall never have again Love That 's the greatest of my grief that you my Friend from whom I have found such favours should be so great a loser in my ill luck 'Sdeath I could kill my self Left O for the love of God good Gentlemen as you love me and as you love your Mistresses let me know what troubles you I protest I 'le tear my Periwigg to pieces else Ned Lovewell will you tell me or no or I will tear Love Dear Friend put on your Periwigg to see you in this passion adds to my sorrow and should I tell you now I know your good nature would lead you to repair our losses which I hate the very thought of knowing how far we are already engag'd to your Liberality Friend The Coxcomb I find will be wrought upon Dear dissimulation how I love thee Aside Left Never speak of that man if Money will make up the matter ne're be melancholy I have just now receiv'd two hundred Guineys for the Fines of four Houses Love But with what confidence can I do this Pray Sir pardon me Left By this hand either let me know what 't is that troubles ye and take my Money to make up the matter or I 'le ne're come near you more though I know I shall lose my Mistress by it I thought you had had more kindness for me than to hinder me thus of a Fortune now you have woo'd her for me Love Well Sir since nothing will satisfie you the case is thus That day we went with you to Hackney our Lodgings were broke ope and robb'd of all our lac'd Linnen and almost two hundred pounds besides so that we shall want Money and all things else to furnish us to do you Service in that garb we willingly would had not this strange misfortune hinder'd our Intentions Left P'shaw and is this all Look here 's all the Money I have about me I 'le send Moses home for more Love Alas dear Sir half this will serve pray pardon me but since you 'le have it so Left Why should it not be so I say it shall be so Go home Moses fetch the Purse that lyes behind the Cabinet I 'le away to Hackney you 'le come on Thursday before nine a Clock Love Sir wee 'le be there before you are up I warrant you I do assure you I know not what to say that may in the least make satisfaction for so great a favour Friend Sir I am equally unhappy in the want of words to express my gratitude Left Pugh I can't Complement you have got it and much good may it do you and so farewell Exit Leftwell Friend Dear Ned let me spit in thy Mouth for thy Ingenuity faith 't was very well done Love As I live it went against my Conscience all the while I was about it and I strangly wonder I went so well through with it to wheadle a Man out of his Money and cheat him of his Mistress too 't is enough to damn an honest Man to do it and make a wise Man mad to undergo it Friend 'T were honest in no case but this for this is but easing of a Brute with half a Soul of a few of his Fathers sins and besides if we get these Fortunes we may pay him his Money again Then for his Mistress if she were his as she 's yours you do a deed of Charity to preserve her from being bound to a Fool besides Love Enough enough Franck these Reasons are sufficient to resettle my struggling Conscience Friend But now what 's to be done as to the Ladies they live in expectation of relief from us and I long to know a way to send it them Love I 've made Runwell our Agent here and we shall have by him the Course we are to steer The Ladies will give full directions by him Enter a Messenger Friend Friend lyes your bus'ness with any here Mess I have a Letter for one Mr. Lovewell Love I am the Man whence comes it Mess The Letter Sir will give you satisfaction Exit Mes Friend 'T is Faithful's Character I think Lovewell Reads Dear Ned WHen this Letter finds you come to my Relief as soon as you can for I am cram'd into a little Room in New Prison where I am like to be over-run with Lice and stifled with stinking Tobacco Tell Franck Friendly that I was taken upon a Warrant at the Suit of our Landlady Fells for Rent and committed by one Justice Frump but the Keeper sayes hee 'le let me out upon any Bail provided I pay my Fees So fail not dear Friend with all speed to rescue Your Servant Thomas Faithfull Friend O that damn'd Justice he once committed me for pissing under his Window Love Prethee Franck leave prating and let 's haste to help the poor Rogue Friend Was there ever such a Toothless Trot as this who the Devil put it into her mind But let 's stay no longer Exeunt Scena secunda Enter Leticia Fickle and Betty Let. Cousin Fickle there is nothing in the World makes me admire more than to see thee so long in one mind that thou should'st love one Man two dayes together is little less than a Miracle Fick And nothing but a Miracle can make me miss him as we have laid the Plot. If they come according to our appointment wee 'le be Married two hours before my Uncle and the intended Bride-groom are awake but should I miss him to Morrow I 'de have him the next place I meet him in My Uncle cannot hinder me though he may you nor shall from marrying any Man that I affect Let. O Coz that I were but in thy Condition and as free from the fear of a Father but I Vow my heart begins to fail me if we play this trick to Morrow when he misses us hee 'le certainly run stark mad and turn me off without a penny Portion Fick Dear Girle fear not that he may be angry for a Moneth or
and Betty Thou art the only lost Sheep of the Company here have a care thou wilt blunder over some body prethee be careful take me by the hand Friend I should be happy if I had it hold is not this it Love What do you think Friend Faith I don't know very well but I 'le feel for the Roman T. that will satisfie me the truth on 't Love One would have thought the spirit of Jokeing had been drencht out of you in the Horse-pond but here 's the hand of your fair Mistress Friend I here 's a hand indeed makes me forget all wet and cold and fear of future Storms Fick But if you stay much longer here in your wet Breeches you 'le remember wet and cold again in spight of your Antidote and I 'm so wet with dew that unless you make haste I shall dye before I 'm Married and so be put upon ugly work in the other World you have heard the Proverb and besides you will lose my Portion which is no poor one Let. Prethee dear Coz let 's stand no longer in the cold tatling of Estates but haste to the Coach have you brought one Love I and four Horses that will hurry us to London and a Levite that will do the business we shall be there by five a Clock Fick I but we shall not get into the Church so soon Love The Sexton has provided a Bottle of Wine and some other things for your diversion till seven a Clock at which time you will be mist here and the work will be doing there Let. Let 's away to the Coach then Betty 't is something lighter now you may easily find the way back and be sure you remember your instructions you know where to send to me so fare thee well good Girle Betty I vow Madam I must weep at parting though you are going about to do that business I have alwayes wished you but assure your Ladyships I 'le serve you both to the utmost of my power and so the god of Love preserve and prosper your proceedings Love Friend Pretty Mrs. Betty your Servants Ex. omnes Scena secunda Enter Gammer Fells Clowt and Mold the Sexton Fells I charge you Neighbour Mold make a Confession before Mr. Clowt the Kings Constable of what you told me last Night as you and I sat in the Chimney Corner at my House drinking a dram or two of Brandy by the same token you took the Bottle out of my hand whilst I did something but that 's no matter Clowt Neighbour Mold discharge the part of a good Christian and clear your Conscience by making your Confession to a Constable of the Kings who is a Member of State Indeed you may object though I am one of the Kings Constables you are one of his Sextons too true it is so and that is in part satisfaction for it is unnatural for one Member to persecute another so if the business were only 'twixt you and I 't were easily made up But here 's my Neighbour Fells truly a Woman that understands the World has been wickedly dealt with has a great deal of Money due to her and much linnen worn out has lain long in wait for one of the Men that she sayes nay she swears Neighbour Mold you told her was to come to your House this Morning from thence to go to Church to be Married Therefore I command you in the Kings Name to speak the truth Fells Or else I 'le have a Petition to have you before Justice Frump Clowt How a Petition Gammer Fells you have forgot all your Law as if you had never had any A Suppina Woman a Suppina that 's the only way A Petition I cannot forbear laughing I tell you you cannot do it any other way but by a Suppina Ha Gammer Fells you have not so good a Head-piece as you had formerly Well well Age Age. Enter Lovewell Friendly Leticia and Fickle Love Now my dear Mistress we are safe from all our fears this is the Sexton's House there wee 'le repose a little then to Church Fells Are you come i'faith Sir Seize on him Mr. Constable in the Kings Name this is the other Rogue that ow'd me Money and forswore himself Come bring them all away for Mr. Clowt if one body in a Company be perjur'd all the rest are guilty and must stand in the Pillory with him Clowt Gammer Fells 't is very true you 're in the right in that case so I command you all in the Kings Name to come away with me Love Mistress if any body here owes you any thing I 'le pay you presently five times as much if that will be any satisfaction pray put us to no trouble for wee 're about earnest business Fells You say honestly Sir pray be as good as your word and let me have but thirty shillings and I 'le discharge you for I love a Gentleman as I do my life Love Here 's your Money so fare you well Clowt Hold Sir hold how shall I be discharg'd by the King for the perjury You must go fore Justice Frump and stand the Tryal Love Why who in the Company is perjur'd Pray Mr. Constable ben't so impertinent but let us go about our business Clowt Why that is that Gentleman and you being in his Company are with all the rest equally concern'd So I command you come away in the Kings Name Fells That 's true indeed the perjury is not discharg'd bring them away there 's no remedy I would it were in my power to do you any good Come Neighbour Clowt bring 'em along I 'm afraid you 'le lye by 't Love I 'le not go along with you not shall any of the Company This Old Bawd has couzen'd me of some Money and I believe you intend to cheat me of more Clowt Offer to draw I 'le knock down your Wench here will you come on quietly in the Kings Name Friend Mr. Constable here 's five pounds let us but pass now and wee 'le promise to meet you to Morrow Morning Fells I wish he would i'faith if he takes it I shall tell Justice Frump and see how he 'le take it perhaps he 'le cheat the King too Come come Mr. Clowt the Law lyes not in your Hands if I live I 'le see 'em laid up and if you don't look to your Office look to your self shall People be perjur'd and go unpunished Let. Why good Woman what are you concern'd your debt is satisfy'd Fells Is it so Goody Gillyflurt with your face full of patches you shall know that I am not satisfy'd 't is such as you make poor Men they can't pay their Debts where have they pickt up you and that Puppet your Companion I 'le have you where you shall give an account of your selves and what business you have with these Men. Love You abominable old Bawd I 'le kick you till you curse your own Blaspheming tongue Clowt How Do you kick an Antient House-Keeper before the face
Did he ever learn to Dance Uncle Pett I 'le answer thee no longer thou begin'st to be very impettinent Coz. Fick Will you walk in the Gallery then Sir Pett Any where so thou wilt promise me not to weary me with thy eternal rattle Exeunt omnes Scena secunda Enter Lovewell Friendly Faithfull in their Gallantry Love Come Gallants move with Majesty And shew your selves to the most advantage that may be Faithfull you are always looking upon your shooe-strings like a Prentice upon an Easter Holy-day Hold up your Head and look handsomly take your Gloves out of your pockets and put them on your Hands I 'm afraid if I should take this Rogue into Company I should be troubled to teach him the way to take off his Hat Friend Then the Rascals Peruke never stands the right way and he makes leggs so like a Logger-head that it would be suppos'd we took him out of a Mill where he had learnt to dance of a Malt-horse for there 's not a step that he takes in his new shooes but up comes a stone in the pavement Love I 'le undertake should he go into a Noble-mans Hall he would stamp a row of black and white marble to pieces in less than half a minute never Horse had such hoofs Friend And then he 's so great a Sloven that by that time he has worn these Clothes but three dayes they 'le be lac'd with all manner of liquour and as greasie as his old ones are that the Rats have since he left them off run away with Faith Talk on Gentlemen talk on Cloath me thus but once a Moneth and I 'le for ever allow you the same priviledge you now take of prating Forgive me dear Patron for I cannot choose but laugh at you and that idle fellow as a couple of very impertinent fopps Enter Leftwell and Moses Left Ned Lovewell how dost do Boy now I like thee now thou look'st like thy self Faith I was resolv'd to find thee out and to new-furnish thee at my own charge thou wilt not believe how sad I have been e're since I saw thee last Let me look round about thee faith 't is mighty rich prethee what did it stand thee in If I can serve thee in any thing as far as my small Estate goes 't is all at thy Service sweet Rogue Love And I 'le try you Sir since you 're in so good a humour Aside Sir I assure you you 'd do me an exraordinary kindness if you could furnish me and my two Friends with a hundred pounds for two or three dayes no longer Left Pox on him I thought he would not have fasten'd would my words were in again Aside Faith Ned if it will do thee a kindness I cannot tell how to deny it Here 't is with all my heart Love Upon my Honour I 'le see it safe return'd and esteem it a very great favour Friend Faith Sir you have done us a very considerable kindness and in requital command me any thing Left Sir if you ' Slife I shall be undone I was going to offer him as much more who would certainly have accepted it as the first Aside Sir I rejoyce I had it to serve you Faith Sir I hope we shall live to be gratefull and find a way to make you satisfaction for this more than ordinary favour Left Sir there needs none of this But let me tell you one thing without offence Faith No exception I assure you Sir Left Then faith I think you become your fine Clothes the worst of any man that ever wore such Faith I must confess Sir I want the way of wearing Clothes well I can afford to let you prate now but I 'le make your purse pay for 't Aside Left Ned Lovewell will you assist me in a design Faith I am going about to commit Matrimony Will you help to make Love to my Mistress I 'le assure you she 's the handsomest Woman within a hundred Mile of her and a Man that has the way of giving good words may win her heart as I am inform'd for I never saw her Love How do you know she 's so handsom then Left Why her Father sayes so and sweats he 'le swinge her if she refuse to fall in Love with me or likes any body else Friend What need you have any help then Your business is done to your hand Left That 's true Mr. Friendly but I would fain have it done by fair means and there 's Ned Lovewell knows how to work upon a Woman at will I would fain have him and you go to make up the Match For his part he 'le be company for nothing but the Horses we won't have him with us Faith I am heartily glad the Cur dislikes my Company since the profit I intend from him binds me from beating him Love Pray Sir where lives the Lady and what 's her name If we can do you any service wee 're both ready to wait on you Left Dear Ned that 's kindly said and like thy self and you Franck Friendly Friend Most willingly Left It 's old Pett's Daughter the East India Merchant he lives at Hackney Love Say you so Sir I doubt I shall set you besides the Saddle This falls out as I could wish This Fool making choice of me to keep him Company brings me to kiss the Hand of my fair Mistress and by that means to manage my affairs as I could wish Aside Left Come will you go Gentlemen I and my Man will walk before you you may easily overtake us for Moses is as stiff as a Tree Both. We will not fail to follow you Exit Left Moses Friend Lovewell how lik'st thou this The Fool comes on finely Love I have a design Franck in hand will make us all men You know he has made choice of us to be the means to make his Mistress love him The same Lady that he speaks of I have lov'd long and she has long lov'd me Friend Dear Ned proceed Love My fortune being spent before I thought on 't my Clothes decay'd and having little left me to repair my ruines all my proceedings since have been by Proxy excepting now and then a stoln visit over the Garden Wall which lately in attempting I was taken by her Father and turn'd out by Grooms which was the real cause of my late melancholy Friend Td's death then wee 're undone he 'le know you again and so we shall be us'd worse than you were before Faith Thy foolish fears Friendly have made us fail in many a fair design Do you think the old fellow will know him again that he saw before but in half a Peruke and not Clothes enough to cover him Love God-a-mercy Blunderbuss he bolts out sometimes to the purpose I 'le undertake Franck he knows me no more than I should the Grand Seignior if I saw him Friend So the young Squire shall be at the charge of all Entertainments till you have found a way to cheat him
a sweet Rogue Have a kindness for him dear Mistress Love Ladies I fear if I had sung I should have made your Heads ake for all Mr. Leftwell's Commendations but let me beg the performance of your promise Madam Let. Prethee let 's have the Song you sung to us last night I like it very well Come no excuses but do it To Fick Fick Since Madam there 's no way to avoyd it I 'le obey your Commands But I hope Gentlemen you 'le not be angry with me for making a noise Love Pretty Mistress make an end of the Prologue and come to the matter Song Let. What say you Gentlemen how do you approve of my Kinswomans Voice Friend As I hope to live Madam your Voice would invite me from my Prayers to listen to it were I sure not to live above half an hour after Left P'shaw waw wherein is her Voice so good as to perswade you into an Opinion on 't I have heard a Hogg when a Mastiff Dog has hung at his Ear make better Musick I wish her Song were in her guts so we had one of Ned Lovewell's Friend Mr. Leftwell you do her wrong to say she Sings not well besides it calls your Judgment in question Left I think I should have as much Judgment in Singing as another Man for my Father taught me for two years together there is not an old Song that ever was made but I can sing it Let. Pray Mr. Leftwell will you oblige me and the rest of the Company with any one you can conveniently spare now we are in the Singing humour Left For thy sake my Sweet heart that is and my Wife that must be I will sing say or do any thing Friend Pray Sir Sing then she desires you that you would Betty O good Sir let 's hear your Song Left Not for your sake Mistress for you 're to be my Maid within these two dayes and shall I do any thing at the request of my own Servant No I scorn it Love But Madam Leticia your Mistress and I your Friend desire it pray Sir let 's live no longer in Expectation Leftwell Sings WHen as King Henry Rul'd this Land The Second of that Name Besides the Queen He dearly lov'd A Fair and Princely Dame Most Peerless was her c. Fick No more of your Ballad I protest my brains are ready to split I had rather be ty'd to a load of Iron and be drawn after it quite through London than hear your Servant sing such another Sonner Pett You 're a foolish Gitle this was one of the prettyest Songs in London when I came to Prentice first You don't know what a Song is Sing on Son Leftwell Sings Her Favour and Her Face A Sweeter Creature in the World Did never Prince Embrace Let. 'T is true the Song is good Sir but Mr. Leftwell's Voice is at present a little out of Tune and so if he pleases wee 'le have the rest another time Left Indeed I have got a kind of a Cold but when ever if thou hast a mind to hear it 't is all at thy Service When we two are abed together I 'le lull thee asleep every Night and wake thee every Morning with my Voice because I see thou delight'st in it Love Without doubt as much as I do to hear a little Boy beat upon a Bartholomew Drum A side Left Father I must be forc'd to take my leave of you I have a House to Let in Long-Acre that calls me away as a Man may say Nolens Volens from you Pett Nay pray Sir stay and take a small Supper here too you and your Friends shall be as welcome as I know how to make you ye shall have a good Bed and clean Sheets so much I dare promise you Left Nay if you promis'd a thousand things I must go when I have business to do and there 's an end of it and so your Servant Sir Good b'uy my Dear prethee don't take on I 'le be here again to morrow morning 'T is to no purpose to grieve you 'le get nothing by that but your labour for your pains in a manner Let me intreat you to take this parting partiently Let. Sir I 'le assure you I 'le keep my heart as whole as I can till I see you again Pett Gentlemen your Servant wee 'le wait on you to the Door Sir I hope you and your Friend will do my Son the kindness to undergo the Office of Bride-men Love Sir I shall be proud to have the honour of such Services Friend Sir I do equally esteem my happiness with his and will not fail to pay my due attendance Both. Your Servant Sir may you live long and happy Left Did you see my Man Moses Mrs. Betty Betty Yes he and old Ralph were drunk an hour before Dinner and are gone to sleep Left Pray when the Rogue wakes bid him rowl home after me Exeunt omnes praeter Betty Betty Now will I prepare my old Master to License my Young Lover to the freedom of Visiting me by which the whole design can't choose but take effect Assist us Cupid for thou know'st 't is fit Beauty and Youth should be rewards of wit Finis Actus Tertii Actus Quartus Scena prima Enter Lovewell Friendly Love FRanck the Fool comes on as I could wish h 'as sent me a Letter wherein he swears he loves me most monstrously some way we must find out to get more money from him the better to enable us to cheat him of his Mistress Friend My little Mad-Cap swears she 'le have me at the same time when you have yours And if her kindness but continue I shall believe my self a happy Man for as I live I love her infinitely But prethee let 's see Leftwell's Letter Love He 'le be here presently he sends me word but since you love to reade a well-penn'd Letter this is it Sir Friendly Reades AFter my hearty Commendations my love remembred unto you c. I desire that you would prepare your self and get Franck to do the same viz. to be my Bride-men for my Mistress vows she will not have me unless I can get you to be as good as your word I would not have you fail me for five hundred pounds for if you do I shall lose a Wife worth ten Thousand And so I rest Your Dutiful Friend Leftwell Here 's an Epistle with a pox did ever man see such a Puppy Love But now suppose we should pretend our Chambers were robb'd when we went with him to Hackney of the Money that should have furnisht us with Clothes and necessaries to have attended at his Wedding What say'st Wilt do well Friend By this light nothing like it is he to meet you here Love So the Messenger said Friend I 'le immediately put my self into a melancholy posture but I 'm afraid thou 'lt never counterfeit well Love O! feat not that Hold here comes the Cuckco let 's seem not to see him Enter
Clock in the Morning and should we spend that time idly 't is ten to one but it may bring us to repentance by unkindly failing our Gallants Therefore let 's fall to packing up those little things we have to help us in necessity then sleep an hour or two Fick I protest I 'le not go to Bed for all the World if I do I shall certainly lose my Lover I alwayes wake so late a mornings But if Betty will sit up and promise to wake us wee 'le lye down in our Night-Gowns till that time Betty With all my heart Madam I 'm an errant Slut if I would not to promote this business sit six dayes and as many nights up to the Chin in Water this cold Weather For I have such a Faith in both the Gentlemen that I am very confident they 'le make you happy Let. Betty thou shalt not fail to share in my good fortune and now go to your own Chamber and be sure to call us in time You know what you have to do stay behind with Runwell and be the first that misses me and do it with all the passion imaginable so you 'le be unsuspected Betty Madam I had rather punish my self in being absent from you since 't is your command than be wanting in any Service I may possibly do you Let. That 's my good Girle but let me kiss thee first for good lucks sake Betty Good night good Ladies Exit Betty Let. Now Cousin we 're alone what 's to be done Fick Let 's sleep two hours and rise before the Sun Exeunt Finis Actus quarti Actus Quintus Scena prima Enter Lovewell and Friendly Friend COachman stay you there stir not till we come back 'T is devillish dark Ned not so much as a Star stirring Love And cruel cold Franck if my love wan't very hot 't would ne're hold out the battery of this bitter Morning If the poor Ladies are abroad I 'm sorry for them I fear it bites them severely Prethee where art canst thou not keep close Friend Why I am by you here but know not in what place Love Faith I thought I smelt you but come nearer I 'le be a little unkind to my Nose and keep you Company at present for want of a sweeter But hold I think wee 're near the place appointed prethee come up is not that the Garden Wall Friend You may as well perswade a blind man to do you the kindness to draw your Picture as to ask my opinion now for I can no more see thy hand than I can my own face nor canst thou see any thing unless thou hast chang'd eyes with a Cat. But heark I hear some body and see a light yonder Enter the other way Leticia Fickle and Betty Betty Cupid be kind to you and lend you a lanthorn 't is cruel dark good Ladies keep your Gowns close about you for I fear youl'le catch cold Fick Faith Cousin I 'm afraid to stir would they were come I have got the Cramp in every one of my fingers with cold if I stay here but half an hour I shall be fitter for burying than Marriage I 'm afraid I shall lose the finger the Parson is to put the Ring on Pray Betty which finger is that Betty Faith Madam I don't know Fick Nor I if I did I would be sure to keep that from the cold Cousin Let. thou look'st so pitifully for want of thy Morning's Posset that o' my Conscience I could cry for thee Give me thy hand where is it Girle Take comfort I warrant they come Let. I dare swear 't is they let 's go a little nearer Friend Art sure there 's never a Ditch in the way Would we had the Women and were well in the Coach again But give me thy hand and I 'le go with thee Let. I vow Cousin my courage was almost cold but to see thee so confident in thy sufferings or indeed to do thee Justice so constant I now believe it a meer shame to come short of thee Whatever happens I 'm resolv'd to stay here till they come not to be unfix'd in my Resolutions Betty Poor Mistress I should question the Justice of the gods should they forget to be your Friends and fail to help you nay I should think they had forgot to further goodness if they should let you be a loser in prosecution of so pure a love Fick Never fear Betty wee 'le through now though froward Fate had sworn to set a stop to it But heark I hear the steps of some body would I knew who they were it startles me Let. O Coz now thou art faint-hearted again 't is nothing but the leaves of the Trees that hang over the Garden Wall Let 's walk a little further forwards Friend There 's a Candle Lovewell let 's look a little nearer stay is not that Leticia Love And I am monstrously mistaken if that ben't thy Mistress and Betty that holds the light look they come nearer Fick I think I heard some body say Leticia and I begin to lose my fear and will look a little further Betty light hither a little The Candle goes out Betty O Lord Madam the Candle 's out I 'm undone I shall never find the way back to the Gate upon the Cawsey They come up to them in the dark Love Madam Leticia Lady here 's no body answers Franck art sure 't was they Friend No it may be we saw Angels in their shapes 't was either the one or the other I can assure you Let. No my dear Lovewell 't is too late to keep at distance when there lacks so little time to make us one here 's she that loves thee and if Heaven were pleas'd to lend us light would joy to look on thee Love Sweetest Leticia why art thou shrowded in this sheet of darkness that ought to fear and flye from such a Face though it presumes on all the earth besides Speak but once more that I may find thee by thy Voice since my eyes are unserviceable Friend Ned Ned have you found your Mistress If you have lend me your hand to find mine for I dare as well be hang'd as stir a foot further than the place I 'm in I 'm just now up to the belly in the Horse-pond Let. Hold Mr. Lovewell let me call her Coz Coz. Fick Lord where are you I hear Mr. Friendly make sad complaints but I protest I don't know where to find him Are you hereabouts Cousin Let. I where is your hand Fick Here and here 's Betty's I am glad I have found you Mr. Lovewell your Servant if you would speak I should be glad to hear you for I protest I cannot see you Love Madam your most humble Servant I would Franck Friendly were as near you as I am poor Rogue he lyes poring up and down in the dark for you Franck Franck. Friend Here here at hand is my dear Mistress near thereabouts Love She 's here with Madam Let.
off in my prime before I have receiv'd half a years Rent of my Estate Pett Why what dost thou mean pray be pacify'd he has no design against you I dare swear Left Dear Father stand before me though for say what you will I 'm afraid to trust him Pett Pray Mr. Lovewell if you have any business proceed Love Sir I thought my self in point of Honour bound to discover this bloody design laid to destroy your intended Son-in-Law Look upon this Letter Sir Pett Reades Pett I protest Sir I think my self much engag'd to you if we could by your means apprehend him My Son-in-Law has already receiv'd the Challenge and it seems he has chose you for his Second Love Sir that 's the thing I came about if you will get a Warrant for him presently you 'le find both him and me together at the Sign of the Lamb within two doors of Justice Frump's I 'le go before and get him ready Pett Now truly Mr. Lovewell we both esteem our selves much beholden to you and will endeavour to make you amends Love All I desire is pardon for my last error Your Servant Sir Ladies your Servant Exit Lovewell Left I 'm glad he 's gone for he has frighted me out of the small sence I had Pett Son will you go along with me to apprehend him Left No Sir I thank you for that I'faith I 'le as soon thrust my Head into a hot Oven as venture my Nose an Inch without the Door for one of these Doggs to snap at Pett Well then I 'le take my Servants and do it without you Exeunt Pett Leftwell Let. My Father 's gone I wish they were here now Betty What shall we do with this Fool Leftwell he 'le run after my Master and fetch him back again when he sees us going look where he comes sneaking like a Prentice Enter Leftwell that has lost his Masters Money at play Aside How do you Mr. Leftwell Are you resolv'd to be Married to Morrow Left No I 'm resolv'd to see whether I shall live or dye first by your favour Some body knocks Fick Faith Mr. Leftwell I 'm afraid now my Uncle 's gone they are come to kill you these people knock with fury heark they knock again Look out at the Window Betty and bring us word who 't is before you let 'em in Betty I 'le run Madam Exit Betty Left O Mrs. Fickle if I have any heart 't is just now in my Mouth For I feel a soft thing tumbling between my tongue and my teeth Enter Betty Betty O me Mr. Leftwell 't is Mr. Friendly and Mr. Lovewell what will you do Left Dear Betty put me into any place to preserve me O quickly they 'le get in else before I can hide my self Betty Come along with me I 'le lock you into the Larder come come Left Betty I protest if thou sav'st me this time I 'le have thee and let thy Mistress alone Let. Hee 's safe enough Betty I 've lockt up the logger-head now I 'le let them in Exit Betty Let. Do Betty Cousin put on your Scarf and fit your self for the March delayes are dangerous Fick I am ready my dear Girle give me thy hand I vow I can but think how simply we shall look when we come to night to lye with our Lovers Let. Thou art the maddest Wench that e're wore Petticoat how should we look think you Enter Lovewell Friendly and Betty Love My dear Leticia your generous love has laid so many obligations on me that nothing but the Service of an Age can seem a Tithe of satisfaction Which to be paid Fick Pray Sir forbear your Complements at present and let 's make haste to carry on the work we come about Friend Bravely propos'd my pretty Mistress if they lye lingring longer wee 'le away and laugh at them What dost thou mean Ned to be at this hasty time telling thy Mistress in blanck verse that which she has been satisfy'd in these six Moneths how much you love her and how much she 's more than you deserve why she knows both the one and the other Let. Sir their advice at this time is not much amiss therefore let 's make haste Love Betty is the Coast clear Betty There 's none but the Old Chare-Woman in the House and she 's asleep in the Chimney Corner Fick I believe Mr. Leftwell will make a foul Larder shall we leave him under lock and key Betty Hang him I 'le leave the Key in the door that the next that comes may let him out Exeunt omnes Scena quarta Enter Pett and Moses with Servants at Justice Frump's House Frump and Stingey Pet. Mr. Justice 't is intollerable a Man must stand an hour or two hearing you talk Non-sence instead of Law to delay the time when a Person comes to you in haste upon so great an occasion as this is a matter of life and death Frump Stingey make him a Warrant but Sir a Warrant that is made upon life and death by a Justice of Peace cannot be had for less than a Crown if you will be at the price of it my Man will make it you Sir 't is nothing to me the Money comes into his Pocket I protest I don't desire a farthing of you not I. Pett Sir I don't value a Crown as worth a thought but I have been a Justice my self and never heard of such a thing as this Frump I grant you Sir not by a Justice of London but alwayes by a Justice of Peace of Middlesen My Man Sir knows the Law as well as most do and he shall swear it if you desire to hear him Pett He won't sure I 'le give him ten shillings for the Warrant if he will Sting Pray Sir give me the Book Offers to swear Pett Hold Sir here 's a Crown for your Warrant I would not for a World be so instrumental in thy destruction God b'ye Sir I believe you have kept me so long I have lost my opportunity Exeunt Pett and Servants Frump Pay me for my part Stingey I ought to have six pence more than you for indeed there is no such price upon any Warrant Sting That I know therefore I offer'd to swear it whereas you only told him so that the Gentleman might be satisfy'd Frump Give me half a Crown then and take your Hat and fetch a quart of Ale for your Mistress out of your Money Exeunt Scena Ultima Enter Pett and Servants Pett What hoe Daughter Niece Betty where are these Girles What would they offer to go out and leave the House empty Go some of you and see if you can find them This idle Justice keeping me so long has made me miss him but I suppose Mr. Lovewell will at Night inform me where I may have them What have you found them Enter Servant Serv. No Sir nor any body but the old Woman asleep in the Kitchin Chimney Pett What should become of them and Mr.
in point of Marriage and the Sum of seven shillings and six pence with lawfull Interest and dammages for the forbearance thereof for Lodging had at the House of the said Cicily and moreover in the sum of seven shillings of like Money for Laundry work done by the said Cicily Faith Well well I 'le pay it all Little Ananias you and I will go to a Wench Sting Pray Sir let me alone I am none of those you take me for I go to a Wench I 'de rather dye than look upon a lewd Woman in the way of wickedness Frump Sir guilty or not guilty Faith Honest old Rascal do one thing well in thy life and lend your man Money to go with me and have a leap I 'le ne're let go his Ear else Frump Sir I protest let go my Mans Ear and plead or I 'le have you prest Sting Pray Sir let go my Ear or in earnest I 'le bring my Action While they talk Gammer Fells falls asleep Clowt Gammer Fells awake and hear the Judgment of the Court. She starts up Fells Tell not me of Judgment let me have my Money and the Man Married to my Maid the King paid for the Perjury and Mr. Clowt paid for his pains Clowt His Worship must give Judgment before the Malefactor can make payment Gammer Fells Frump I Goody Fells pray be patient fair and softly goes far they say Sir you hear that your faults are of a high Nature I 'le tell you the letter of the Law in those cases you are now accus'd for Plowden says in his Pleas and Reports that for Perjury you ought to pay five shillings to the Justice you are brought before and half a Crown to his Clerk For Perjury is Corpus cum eausa by the Statute of the Three and Thirtieth of King James Faith Plowden's a Puppy and you 're an Owl and I 'le see you hang'd and the Devil ride your starv'd Clerk Hackney to Hell before you shall have one penny of me Justice prethee send for a Pint of Wine Frump Sir ask any learned Lawyer about Town they 'le tell you that Plowden was no Puppy pray Sir pay but me and my Man the Money the Statute allows us and I 'le give you time for the payment of this poor Woman and her Maid Fells Will you faith Justice Frump That is fine Justice Frump shall I be fobb'd off now with a promise of payment Did I put my Cause into your hands for help and you to put the perjury Money into your own pocket are you willing forsooth that I must lye by the loss Is this Justice No 't is Jewishly done Faith To him Gammer Fells to him to him Frump Gammer Fells let me have my Money and I 'le take a course for yours Pray Sir will you satisfie me and my Man and pay for the Perjury Faith Will your Worship be pleas'd to hear me Frump If you have any thing to say for your felf why Sentence should not pass upon you pray speak and remember the payment of the perjury Money If I han't it 't is so much Money out of mine and my Man's pocket I protest to you and that 's all the Woman stands upon Fells It 's false and your Worship is little better than a Lyar in saying so 't is my own Money I want Frump Woman Woman let your betters be serv'd before you Faith Mr. Justice you promis'd to hear me speak pray be as good as your Word Frump You have liberty to say any thing so it be to the purpose and pray remember the perjury Money Woman you shall have satisfaction Faith Then let but Chitterlin-Chops your Man here go but with me to a Bawdy-House and I 'le send you your Money due upon the perjury my Land-lady shall have satisfaction and I 'le Marry he Maid I 'le play your Puppy but one hit Frump Take your Cloak Stingey and go along with the Gentleman 't is a case of necessity and no sin for we shall lose seven shillings and six pence else consider Stingey seven and six pence is Money Faith Now I 'le see you all burn'd first and so take your Course Frump Stingey make his Mittimus and away with him Cousin Clowt Sting I made the Mittimus before an 't like your Worship Frump Stingey make him pay for 't and bring me in my part Cousin Clowt take care of him for I 'me resolv'd to hamper him Exit Frump Clowt Come along Sir once more I charge you in the Kings name Sting Pray Sir pay me for making the Mittimus Faith I Codds head come hither Be a good Husband and keep this till I come again Gives him a box on the Ear. Sting O Lord how shall I answer this to my Master Fells Bring him along I 'le never leave you till I see him safe Exeunt Scena quarta Enter Pett Leftwell Lovewell Friendly Leticia Fickle Betty in a Garden Pett Gentlemen I wish your Cheer had been better but expecting none but my Son Leftwell I have provided less than I should have done had I had warning of your good Company Love Sir your Entertainment has been like your self most truly generous and Noble Left I vow Father I have spent a shilling many a time for a dinner between Moses and I and have not dyn'd half so well Friend This is a very pleasant Garden Sir and that row of Trees adds much to the beauty of the House Fick Sir I believe 't would be very pretty if the Plot were alter'd and the Trees taken down at the end and a gravell Walk made Pett If the Trees were remov'd to day at thy Request Niece to morrow thou would'st wonder why they were taken down and be for transplanting them again some where else I 'm confident thou would'st not like them half an hour in any place therefore prethee leave thy prating Let. I perceive by your humming Mr. Lovewell you Sing well therefore let me engage you to give us a Song whilst we sit down in yonder Arbour Nay I will not be deny'd and my Cousin here in requital shall give you another Left If you love me honest Ned do my Mistress that kindness Come don't be out of Countenance Man Why there 's no harm in singing in Civil Company is there Father Pett Pett No truly Son I think not Love Sir to serve you and your Lady that must be I would sing till I had lost my Lungs but I am so unfitting now Madam your Ladyship must undergo the whole brunt of the business Left Well Ned when wee 're alone that word shall be something in thy way I 'le assure thee take my word for 't he has a Cold and can't sing Pray sing you forsooth Love Yes pray oblige us Let. Sir we believe your excuse just and another time shall serve Left Honest Ned let me tell thee thou sing'st as well as any Man in the World when thou art well would I were a Woman for thy sake Thou art