play shown ye Take this for a Warning Exit Simo. Davus alone Why seriously poor Davy 't is high time to bestir thy stumps and to leave offdozing at least if a body may guess at the old Man's meaning by his Mumping If these Brains don't help me out at a dead lift to pot goes Pilgarlick or his Master for certain He studies And hang me for a Dog if I know which side to take whether to help my young Master or make fair with his Father Should I leave the Son the poor Rogue may hang himself for ought I know and if I help him I dread an old Fox whom the Devil can't outwit In the first place he has certainly smelt out his Son's haunts then he suspects and keeps a deadly narrow Eye o're me lest I should play fast and loose with him in this Business If he smokes it I 'm no Man of this World or if the Toy takes him i' the Head right or wrong he 'll find an occasion to have me into Lobs-pound in a trice Besides all this here 's another piece of damn'd Luck this same Glycerie whether Wife or Miss I can't tell is undoubtedly with Child by my master and troth 't is the pleasantest thing in the World to tell their Adventure for it looks more like a Romance than an Amoâ—r Whatsee're God sends'em they 're resolved to bring it up And they 've contriv'd to sham the Mother upon the World for a Citizen of Athens Now say they once upon a time there was a certain old Man a Merchant of our Town who was cast away upon the Isle of Andro He dying there did Chrysis ' s Father take this young Orphan cast ashoar and bring her up 'T is all stuff O' my conscience it sounds like a Lye but however the Story takes hugely with them Mysis appears at Glycerie's Door But hold here comes her Girl Mysis I 'll ev'n go to the Change and hunt up my Master Pamphilus his Father else will go nigh to surprize him before he has his Lesson Exit Davus As Mysis Enters upon the Stage Archillis comes to the Door Mys to Archillis Yes Yes I understand ye Archillis without all this noise You 'd ha' me go for Lesbia by all means But upon my word she 's a true Toper and a giddy Brain Creature not fit to be trusted with a Womans's first Labour But however I ll bring her Archillis retires and Mysis turns to her Spectators Didn't ye see how eager this old Trot was to have her come because they might Fuddle their Noses together Well! Heavens grant my poor Mistress a good Delivery and that any body may miscarry under her Hands rather than she Enter Pamphilus at a distance But what 's here to do that Mr. Pamphilus is so strangely discrdered It makes me tremble to think what should be the matter There 's Mischief a brewing and I ll stay a little to see what comes on 't She retires to one side of the Stage Pamp. to himself Was ever such a thing done or thought of yet by Man Is this the part of a Father Mys What mischief 's i' th' Wind now trow Aside Pam. to himself If this ben't severity with a witness before God and Man there 's no such thing in nature My Father it seems design'd t' have married me to day One would ha' thought I might ha' known on 't before Or at least have had some notice of my own Wedding Mys Alas What 's this I hear Aside Pam. to himself What means this Chremes too Who but lately declar'd against the Match Has he chang'd his own Mind because he saw I would not change mine Is he so resolutely bent to rend me from my dearest Glycerie If it comes to that once I 'm ruin'd beyond Redemption Was there ever such an awkward and unlucky Fellow upon Earth as I O Heavens Is there no way to shuffle off the Alliance with this Chremes How grosly have I been abus'd and trampled on All things were agreed upon every thing sign'd and seal'd of a sudden I their Cast-off must be brought on again But why unless there 's some damnable Roguery i' th' bottom on 't which I am very suspicious of Now because this Dowdy lies upon her Father's Hands and no body else will I must Scornfully Mys I vow these Words make my poor heart go pit-a-pat Aside Pam. to himself But what shall I say o' my Father all this while Alas for him That he shou'd so carelesly huddle up a thing of so great Consequence He told me upon the Change as he went by me ev'n now Pamphilus You 're to be married to day go home presently and make your self ready Which sounded to me as if he said Go home presently and hang your self It stunn d me so that I hadn't a Word to answer nor the least Colour of excuse tho' ne're so foolish false or extravagant In short I was Tongue-tied But if any body should ask me now What wou'd ye ha' done supposing you had had timely notice on 't Why sure I wou'd ha' done something not to have done this But as the Case now stands Where shall I begin first so many Difficulties cumber and distract my Soul at once On this side Love pity for that dear Creature and my being urged to marry on that side the Reverence due to my Father who has hitherto indulged me in all that Heart could wish and shall I turn Rebel at last I 'm very unhappy and which side to take to I know not Mys coming nearer Alas How I dread as much which side he 'll take to But now 't is absolutely necessary for him to speak with her or for me to tell him something about her For when the Minds upon the Ballance the least thing i' the World turns the Scale Aside Pam. VVhat Voice is that Is it you Mysis in good time Mys O Mr. Pamphilus well met Pam. How does your Mistress Mys She Sir Why she 's just now in her Labour then it goes the harder with the poor Creature because she hears this is to be your Wedding day but worst of all for fear you should leave her at â—ast Pam. Oh hideous Can I entertain such a Thought Shall I suffer an unfortunate Gentlewoman to be ruin'd for my Pleasure who put her Life and Honour into my hands One that I 've lov d with the Fondness and Tenderness of a Husband Shall I expose so much Modesty and Vertue to the Temptation of so strong a Necessity No no it must never be Mys That is to say if you cou'd help it but I 'm afraid you can't stand the Brunt of your Father Pam. But can ye think me such a Scoundrel So ungrateful So inhumane Nay and so brutal too That neither Friendship Love nor Honour can make or keep me honest Mys This I can assure ye Sir you do her great wrong if you forget her Pam. Forget her say ye O Mysis Mysis What
you know is strangely whimsical containing Affronts Jealousies Jars Parlies Wars then Peace again Now for you to ask Advice to love by is all one as if you ask advice to run mad by As for your present Resolutions while your Blood is up What go to her When a Rival's preferrâ—d My self refus'd Even Entrance deny'd me Ne're perswade me toâ—t I 'll die first I 'll make her know I 'm none of her Cully Why â—n good faith Sir one pitiful hypocritical Drop of a Tear which this Creature can hardly for her Soul squeeze out of her Eyes with all her scrubbing will confound all this bluster bring you to your whining Peccavi and make you submit to â—er Ladyships's mercy Phe. Oh horrid shame Now I see she 's a â—ursed Jilt and Iâ—a miserable Fool I 'm sick on 't â—et I die with Love then I perish with my Knowâ—â—dge and Senses about me both living and lookâ—ng on And I know not what to do Par. What shou'd you do Sir but free your â—â—lf from her as cheap as you can If you can't â—â—aw the Stake fairly make the best of a bad â—â—me and never stand vexing your self for the â—â—tter Phe. D' ye think that 's the best way Par. Ay Sir if you know the best way Add no more Troubles to those that Love has â—rought onâ—ye but bear what 's already befaln â—â— like a Man Enter Thais at some distance Oh yonder comes the Cater-pillar that spoils all our â—aivest and leaves us to starve Aside Thais to her self Unhappy woman I am very much afraid that Phedrie should take it worse or otherwise than I intended that I did not let him in yesterday Phe. Ah Parmeno I 'm all over in a cold sweat at the very sight of her Par. Brisk up Sir To her I say she carries Fire enough to warm ye with a vengeance Tha. over-hearing How now Phedrie What are you here And waiting at the Door too why didn't ye come in without any more ado Par. The Deâ—el a word 's here of shutting the Door upon us Aside Tha. What Speechless my Dear Phe. Well askt Madam for these Doors were always wide open to me and I the highest in your Ladyship's Favours Scornfully Tha. Let these things pass my Dear Clapping him on the Cheek with her Fan. Ph. angrily How Pass more mildly Ah Thais Thais wou'd that you and I did but love equally and went an even pace that what you 've done might trouble you as much as me or that I might concern my self as little at it as you do Tha. interrupting Prithee don't fret thy self my pretty Phedrie for by this light twasn't because I lov'd or car'd for any body more than thy dear self but as the case stood â—twas a thing not to be avoided Par. Likely enough that 's usual She poor Soul shut him out of doors out of stark Love and Kindness Jeeringly Tha. to Par. Say ye so Parmeno Well well go on to Phe. but prithee my Dear hear but why I sent for ye Phe. We 'll hear ye for once Tha. First let me know whether this Man here can keep Counsel Par. Meaning me Madam The rarest Fellow i th' world at it but we must enter into Articles about keeping your Secrets if the Story be true I am as mute as a Fish but if it be a falsity a Foppery or a Flam 't will out in an instant I 'm full of holes and run like a Seive Therefore pray Madam not a word of a Lye as you hope for Secrecy Tha. My Mother was born at Samo but liv'd at Rhodes Par. Mum mum for that Aside Tha. There it was that a certain Merchant presented her with a fine young Girl Kidnapp'd from Attica Phe. Was she a Gentlewoman Tha. I suppose so We cou'dn't tell for a certain She told us her Parents Names as for her Country and other Tokens she forgot nor cou'd it be otherwise expected because of her Age. The Merchant added withal that he understood by the Pyrates of whom he bought her that she was stoln from Sunio hard by Athens No sooner did my Mother take charge on her but she gave her the best Education she cou'd and bred her up like her own Child So that we were generally taken for Sisters In company with that Stranger the only person I was then engag'd withal did I come hither who left me all I have at present Par. interrupting A couple of Rappers Gush Tha. Why so Par. Because forsooth one Dish to be sure wou'd never satisfie you neither was he your sole Benefactor for this Gentleman's Pocket has smoaked to some Tune for most of your Bravery Tha. Be it so But can't you let me go on with my Stor to Phe. whilst things stood thus the Captain who began to take some liking to me marched into Caria mean time I got acquainted with thee my dear Rogue And thou knowest how dearly I have lov'd thee e're since even to the trusting thee with the greatest of my Secrets Phe. Parmeno will let go again Par. You may swear it Sir Tha. For Loves sake dear Hearts hear me out Not long after my Mother died at Rhodes now my Uncle you must know was a little given to the World and perceiving the Girl was very likely and had a good hand at the Lute hoped to make Money of her and forthwith exposed her to Sale and made his Markets on her As good Luck wou'd have it my Friend the Captain being there buys her for a Present for me being perfectly ignorant of this whole Affair He 's just come to Town and perceiving what 's between you and I he invents many Excuses and Flams to put off his parting with her as long as he can But says cou'd he but perswade himself I lov'd him better than you and were he not miserably afraid that when I once got her I shou'd turn him off he 'd part with her presently This he 's still afraid of but as far as I can perceive he has a hankering after her himself Phe. And is it got no farther than hankering Tha. No for I ve made strict enquiry Now my dear Phedrie I 've a thousand Reasons why I 'd wheadle him out of her First because she goes for my Sister and then to restore her to her Friends for I 'm a lonesome Woman here no body with me neither Friend nor Kinsman therefore I hope by this good Office to make my self Friends therefore if you love me help me out in the Management of this business Let this Swaggerer be Master of Mis-rule for two or three days What no Answer Fawningly Phe. Thou basest of thy Sex What shall I answer thee who dealest so ungratefully by me Walks about in a Passion Par. O rare Master o' mine Gramercy say I He 's touch'd now E'dad thou' rt a Man every Inch of thee Aside Phe. As if I didn't know what you wou'd be at in another tone mocking her A young Girl was Kidnapp'd
hence my Mother bred her up like her own she went for my Sister Id fain wheadle him out of her and restore her to her Friends All this stuff is to shift me off and to take in your Captain forsooth But why I pray Only because he 's more in your Ladyship's Favour than I am and you 're plaguily afraid this Girl will put your Nose out of joynt and take your Iusty Stallion from you Scornfully Tha. Who I afraid on 't Phe. Ay you Why shou'd you be so concerned else Is he the only Person that has made you Presents Did ye ever find me close fisted T'other day you asked for a Black didn't I go Post haste and get you one And then you 'd have your Eunuch forsooth purely because your Ladies of Quality have 'em this I got too I 'm sure yesterday I paid down o' th' nail no less than fifty Guineas for 'em both Tho I 'm slighted by ye yet you see I didn't forget ye and my Good nature's finely rewarded Tha. How 's this my Phedrie No tho' I shou'd be very glad to have this Girl and I believe I might this way as easily as may be yet rather than disoblige thee I ll do what thou wou'd'st have me Fawningly Phe. Oh that that word came from your Heart now rather than disoblige thee Cou'd I but believe that was spoken sincerely I cou'd then bear any thing Par. He staggers one damned wheadle has don 't in a trice Aside Tha. Ah dear Don't I then speak from my Heart When did I ever deny you a Request tho 't were made but in a jest And yet I can't for my Soul obtain the Favour of your absence but for two days Weeping Phe. Ay if it were but two days But what if that two shou'd prove twenty Tha. Indeed Sir It shall be no more than two or Phe. interrupting Or what No more on 't Tha. It shall be no longer indeed Let me prevail with thee for once Phe. Well for once you shall have your Mind Coldly Tha. Now I love thee most wonderfully thou hast so obliged me Phe. Well I ll into the Country and there pine away for these two days That 's my Resolution since my cruel Dear must have her Humour But Parmeno do you take care to deliver the Eunuch and Black in my absence Parm. I will Sir Phe. God b'uy my dearest Thais for two long days Tha. God b'uy to thee my sweet Creature Ha' you any other Commands Phe. What can I desire further but that tho the Captain has your Company yet your Heart may be at another place Let me both night and day be the Entertainment of your Love your Wishes your Dreams your Expectations your Thoughts your Hopes your Pleasure your All. In fine let your Heart be as much mine as mine is yours Exeunt Phedrie and Parmeno Thais alone Tha. Dear Heart I 'm afraid Predrie believes not one word of what I have said but takes me for one of your Jilting Creatures of the Town But I that know my own Heart best am sure I 've devis'd no Flams nor is there any Soul I love so fondly and tenderly as this Gentleman And whatsoever I have done i' th' case was purely for the sake of the poor Girl whose Brother a person of some Repute I hope I 've in a manner found out To day he appointed to give me a visit I ll step in and wait his coming Exit End of the First Act. ACT II. Phedrie attended by Parmeno Phe. DO as I order'd ye Let the Presents be carry'd Par. So they shall Sir Phe. But with care then Par. It shall be done Sir Phe. But with speed too Par. It shall so Phe. Have I â—â—'d ye enough on 't Par. All That 's a Question indeed Angrily As tho' 't was so hard a piece of business For my part Sir I wish with all my Soul that you were as sure of winning a Thousand pounds as ye are of losing these Presents Phe. Prithee don't trouble your Head about those things for if I lose them I lose my self too which is far the greater loss Par. It shan't trouble me but I ll do your Business effectually Have you any further Commands for me Phe. Be sure you set off the Presents with all the Commendations you can and give my Rival all the Interruption imaginable Par. Pshaw I 'd ha' done that without your bidding Phe. Well I ll into the Country and there tarry Offers to go Par. I fancy so Jerringly Phe. returning But hark ye Parmens Par. What 's your pleasure Sir Phe. Dost really think I can have so much power o're my self as to hold out my whose time Par. Who you Sir No Faith For either you 'll come back again presently or else your want of sleep will send ye hither at Midnight with a Why-not Phe. I 'll tire my self as much as I can that I may sleep whether I will or no. Par. Twon't do Sir tire your self as much as ye please you 'll be ne're the nearer Phe. All this signifies nothing Parmeno I must break the neck of this estâ—minate Humour I indulge my self too much in short d' ye think I can't live without her three whole days if occasion serve Par. How Sir What three live long days For shame Sir Jeeringly Phe. Nay I'm sully resolved upon 't however Exit Phedrie Parmeno alone Heavens What a plaguy thing 's this that Love should alter men so strangely as you can't know 'em for the same There was never a Gentleman in Town had a better Head-piece a graver Carriage and less given to the Flesh than this master of mine Enter Gnatho leading Pamphila attended by her Waiting Maid at a distance from Parmeno But who comes yonder i' th' Name of Goodness Ha ha 't is that wheadling Rascal Gnatho a hanger on o' th' Captains He has got the young Gentlewoman by the Fist as a Present to his Lady Bless me what a smug-faced little Rogue it is No wonder if I make but a scurvy Figure to day with my old rotten Eunuch Why this Creature cuts out Thais her self Walks about the Door Gnatho to himself Bless me to see the difference between one man and another betwixt a Fool and a Philosopher The thing I say it for is this As I was coming along to day I stumbled upon one of my own Rank and Quality an honest Fellow I ll warrant him who had made a shift to guzzel away an Estate as I had done before him I seeing such a rough nasty meager Fellow rigg'd out with Rags and Rheumatisms What 's the meaning of this fine Dress quoth I Alas said he I had an Estate once but play'd the Fool and coudnt keep it and you see what Im brought to All my Friends and Acquaintance fly me as they wou'd the Plague Here I began to look down upon him with scorn Why you whorson Blockhead said I is it come to that then that you hadnt left
answerable to your Beauty As I 'm a Sinner I don't admire that all the Sparks of the Town shou'd die for ye since your Discourse discovers the Sweetness of your disposition For my part when I come to consider the Life and Conversation of all such as you who are n't common to every Coxcomb I don't wonder to find ye so modest and vertuous and our selves so very little like ye For you it is the best way to be honest but our Gallants won't suffer us to be so Our Beauty makes 'em adore us for a while but when that 's decay'd the Sparks are mad for a new Face So that if we didn't provide for our selves in time we might een pine away the rest of our days in a Desart For you Madam that take up with a Person whose Age and Nature is correspondent with your own he wholly keeps himself to you and by mutual consent your Loves are made firm and nothing can ever separate your Hearts Ant. I 'm little acquainted with others my self I know well enough who always take care that my dear Clinie's Happiness shoud be the Foundaof my own Clin. overhearing Ah my dear Antiphila 't is for thy sake alone that Im come home again for whilst I was from thee all the Hardships I was put to were nothing to the being deprivd of thy sweet Company Syr. to Clitipho peeping from his Covert I believe him Sir Clit. I can scarce contain my self old Boy Is' t not a plaguy thing to be debarred of one's Humour Hah Syr. to Clitipho As far as I can perceive your Father will make ye smart for t if you bent gon Bac. What young Gentleman 's that which ogles us so Ant. seeing Clinie Oh lend me your hand 〈◊〉 beseech ye Bac. For Heaven sake what all ye my Dear Ant. I 'm going Faints away Bac. Help Alas poor Soul Antiphila â—ecovers a little How came this Fit upon ye my Philie Ant. in a soft Tone Do I see my Clinie or do I dream Bac. VVho 's that you see Clin. My Life my Soul Heavens bless thee Embracing Ant. And thee also my long wish'd for dear Clinie Clin. How is' t my dear Ant. Well since I 've got you again my Dear Clin. embracing And have I got you again my Dear within these Arms You that I have so passionately long'd for Syr. Come come turn in The old Man and his Supper stays for ye Exeunt omnes End of the Second Act. ACT III. Chremes alone 'T Is just break of Day And why shou'dn't I knock at my Neighbour's door now and give him the first news of his Son's Return tho the young man I fancy will hardly thank me for it But when I see the poor Geneleman take on so extremely for his Sons leaving him how can I find in my heart to keep from him this unexpected comfort since his Son will be never the worse for 't neither This must not be For I will assist the old man to the utmost of my power And as I perceive his Son and mine help one another all they can and go hand in hand together in all their concerns so it is but reasonable that we their Fathers should do one another all the good Offices we are able Enter Menedeme on the other side of the Stage with a Rake c. upon his Shoulders Men. to himself Either I 'm born under the Fatality of an unlucky Planet or that old Sayings worth nothing that Time cures all things For this absence of my Son afflicts me every day more and more and the longer he 's away the more I desire to see him again and the more I miss him Chr. to himself Oh yonder 's the Gentleman himself coming from home I 'll to him and discourse Morrow to ye Neighbour I 'm come to ye with such News that I believe you 'll be heartily desirous to know what t is Men. Why Sir have ye heard any thing of my Son then Chr. He 's safe and sound Sir Men. Where is he I beseech ye Chr. At my House Sir Men. What my Son Chr. Yes your Son Men. Is he come home then Chr. Yes indeed Men. My Boy Clinie come home Throws down his Rake c. Chr. Even so Men. Let 's be going then I beseech ye Sir bring me to the sight of him Chr. But he wou'dn't for the World have ye know he 's come back He avoids your Presence upon the account of what he has done and is now afraid you should be more severe than ever Men. And didn't you tell him how I was quite another man Chr. Not I Sir Men. Why didn't ye Chr. Because if he finds you so soft and give way so easily 't will be the whose for him and you too Men. It can't be help'd for I 've been too too severe a Father already Chr. Ah Sir you are always upon the extreams either too profuse or too sparing you run into the same inconveniencies by one as well as the other Formerly you forc'd your Son out of Doors rather than suffer him to keep a Mistress who then was contented with a little and would have been glad to have snapp'd at any thing but when she was forc'd by his leaving her to grow common and now can't be kept without a Mine of Money now you give him his full liberty For to let you know how she is accoutred for the Ruin of Mankind she carries at her Heels no less than ten or a dozen Waiting-Maids with a great luggage of Golden Trappings were a Prince her Gallant he d be put to t to maintain her Don t you think to do 't Men. Is she at your House too Chr. She at my House say ye Yes to my cost I ve made but one Treat for her and her Retinue and I faith if I make another I must be forced to run my Country To omit other Charges what a cursed deal of Wine has she consumed me by her tasting and sipping only Crying Good old Father this same Wine is too rough pray Sir let 's have some that is more smooth I pened every Cask and Pipe in my Cellar and all my Servants we as busie as so many Bees And this was but one nights work what will become of you then when they ll prey upon ye every day As I 'm â— living Soul Sir I heartily pity your condition Men. Eâ—en let him do as he lists Let him take it spend it make Ducks and Drakes of it I'â—â— resolved to bear it so I can but have him at hâ—mâ— with me Chr. If you be so much set upon 't I believe 't will be much the better way to conceal your Design what're you allow him Men. What wou'd ye have me do Chr. Any thing rather than that you intendedâ— Can't you convey him Money by a second henâ— and let your own Servant bubble ye or so And the truth on 't is I have an inkling that that are about some such thing
Let that pass perhaps they won't discover it Then I am afraid they wont take things as they are there are so many Probabilities against me T was I u self that took her away I my self that paid the Money for her and t was I that furnish'd her with Lodgings I must own the Fault of all this lies at my door For not telling my Father how Cases stood between me and my Mistress and not begging his Consent to take her home and marry her Weâ—ve been in a dead sleep till now but now Eschine rouse thy self up First of all I 'll go to 'em and clear my self I 'll up to the Door strait Goes and steps short Oh my heart how sadly it pants whensoever I knock at this Door Goes and knocks Soho 'T is your Friend Eschine some body open the Door quickly But ha' I can't imagine who comes out there I 'll step a one side Enter Micio Mic. to Sostrata within Do as I order'd ye Mrs. Sostrata I 'll find out Efchine to acquaiut him how Matters are carried on But where 's he that knock'd at the Door Esch S'death My Father's Voice I 'm at a cursed Nonplus Aside Mic. Eschine Esch What business has he here Aside Mic. Wast you that knock'd at the door He 's mute Suppose I should banter with him a little I believe ' twou'dn't be amiss since he 'd never trust me with this Secret Aside Mic. What can't ye speak To Eschine Esch I didn't knock as I know of Mic. Indeed Nay I wonder'd what business shou'd bring you hither He blushes that 's sign good enough Aside Esch Good Sir if I may be so bold what business had you at that House Mic. None o' my own A Friend o' mine brought me from the Change to be his Spokesman in a Concern of his Esch VVhat was the Concern Sir Mic. â—â—l tell ye In this House dwells an ordinary VVoman or two which I suppose â—â—u don't know â—â— I 'm sure you don 't for they han't liv'd long in these parts Esch VVell Sir and what then Mic. Here 's an old VVoman and her Daughter Esch So Sir Mic. The Daughter has buried her Father Now this Friend o' mine is the nearest Relation and by Law is forc'd to marry her himself Esch Undone Aside Mic. partly hearing What 's â—he Matter Esch Nothing very well Proceed Sir Mic. You must know he 's just now come to take her away with him For he dwells at Miletus Esch How To take the Girl away with him Concernedly Mic. Yes Esch What as far as Miletus pray Sir Mic. Ay. Esch aside It stabs me to the Heart And the Women Sir what say they to 't Mic. What should they think ye Ev'n just nothing Only the Mother pretends her Daughter has a Child by another Man I can't tell who for she nam'd him not that he was the first comer therefore the Kinsman must go without her Esch So Sir And wasn't that a sufficient Demurrer Mic. No indeed Esch Why so I beseech ye Will he take her away in good earnest Mic. Ay why shou'dn't he Esch Indeed Sir this was extream severe and cruel if I might take the Liberty I might say ungenreely done Mic. How so Esch How so What d' ye think will become o' th' poor young Man her first Lover who for ought you know loves her most desperately when he shall see her ravish'd before his Face and hurried away from his sight for ever Oh 't was a very dishonourable thing of you Sir Mic. Why d' ye talk at this rate Whose Promise had he Or whose Consent When and how were they married Pray who 's the Man What made him encroach upon another Man 's Right Esch Was it fit for a Girl of her age to sit cross-legg'd at home waiting for a Kinsman 's coming the Lord knows when Indeed dear Father you ought in Justice to have alledg'd that and ha defended it Mic. Very good Shou'd I ha' pleaded against my own Client but prithee Boy what 's all this to us Or what ha' we to do with them Come let 's be going How now Boy why in tears tho Eschine weeps Esch Hear me one word Sir I beseech ye Mic. Poor Boy I 've heard and know all For loving thee I cou'dn't but be concern'd in whate're thou dost Esch Dear Sir I 'd fain deserve your Love as long as you live This Fault grieves me to the Soul and I 'm quite asham'd to look you in the Face Mic. I believe it sincerely For I well know thy generous Temper but I 'm afraid you don't mind your own Concerns What kind of Government is it that you think you live in Thou hast debauch'd a Girl whom by Law thou oughtest not to have touch'd that 's a great Fault and tho' very great t is but a common failing Others ha' done it often and Men of Repute too But when that was done tell me did you take the least care about it Or did you forecast in such a case what should ha' been done Or how it should ha' been done And if thou hadst been asham'd to tell it me cou'dn't I ha' know on 't by others In this you were in doubt of for ten Months together So you have betray'd your self the poor young Woman and your own Child too as much as you were able What D' ye think that the God's shou'd do your work for ye and you sleep the while Must she be brought to your Bed-side as if she were not worth the fetching I wou dn't ha' thee so miserably careless in other things for the World Come don't be cast down however thou shalt marry her Esch How Mic. Don't be cast down I say Esch Pray Sir are ye in earnest Mic. In earnest Why not Esch That I can't tell unless 't is ' cause the more passionately I desire to have it so the more I 'm afraid it won't be so Mic. Get thee home and say your Prayers and then send for your Wife go get thee gone Esch VVhat send for her presently Mic. Yes presently Esch What presently Mic. Presently as soon as possible Esch Let me never see good day Sir if I don't love ye better than my very Eyes Mic. Than your Mistress too Esch Full as well Mic. That 's much indeed Esch But what 's become of the Miletian Spark Mic. He 's vanish'd shipt off and cast away by this time But why don't ye go I say to your Prayers Esch It wou'd be better for you to do that Sâ—ir I 'm sure your Prayers will be heard sooner than mine since you are the better Man o' th' two Mic. I 'll in and take care of what 's wanting Do as I bid thee if thou knowâ—st what 's best for thy self Exit Micio Eschine alone What Happiness is this wou'd any one think he 's my Father or I his Son If he had been a Friend or a Brother cou'd he ha' been more kind or obliging Ought I
I had never any thing to do with your Son since he marry'd Lach. Thou art a dainty fine girl But can ye guess what further Favour I 'd desire of ye Bac. What is it good Sir Lach. Only to step just in there Pointing to Phidippuss House and offer the Women within upon Oath to satisfie them and clear your self of all Bacch I 'll obey you Sir but in good earnest there 's never a one in my Circumstances would ha' don 't or shown her face before a young marry'd woman upon such an account but I scorn to see your Son scandaliz'd upon a false story or be undeservedly thought inconstant by such as should have a better opinion of him He has done me many a good turn and now I 'll do him one Lach. Your smooth Tongue has made me conceive a more favourable opinion of ye for twasn't only their Surmises but I thought as bad of ye my self too Since I 've now found ye otherwise than we took ye to be pray see that you prove still the same and you may find a Friend of me but if ye don't Well I say no more for fear of disobliging ye This I 'll advise ye that you 'd rather try what I can do as your Friend than as your Enemy Bac. I 'll do my best Sir to satisfie ye Enter at a distance Phidippus with a Nurse Phid. to the Nurse I won't see ye want any thing but you shall ha' freely what my House will afford but when you 've eat and drank sufficiently pray let the Child suck its belly-full Ex. Nurse Lach. See there comes our Son's Father-in-law He has got him a Nurse for the Child Brother here 's Mrs. Bacchis swears by all the Gods Phid. Is that she Bach. Yes Phid. Troth these sort of Creatures care little for the Gods and the Gods as little for them Bac. Take my Servants here rack the truth out of 'em if ye please The business is now on foot and I 'm oblig'd to reconcile Mr. Pamphilus and his Lady which if I do I shall get me Credit enough by being the only Person of mâ— Profession that would have undertaken such a Business Lach. to Phidâ—â—pus walking on one side I find upon Examinati a 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 Vives were mightily out in their Conjeâ—tures â—â—â—â—ver let 's make use o' this Woman now for when your Wife once perceives her mistake she 'll quickly be pacify'd but if Pamphilus be angry ' cause his Wife was brought to Bed privately that 's a trifle he 'll soon be satisfyed And E'dad I can see nothing i'th is business that 's worth falling out about Phid. Troth would it were so as you say Lach. Examine her your self since she 's here she 'll satisfie ye I 'll engage for 't Phid. What need all this Don't ye know my Mind already i'th is Matter Let her but satisfie the Women and I 'm content Lach goes to Bacchis Troth Mrs. Bacchis I I must desire ye to be as good as your word to me Bac. Would ye have me go in Sir about this business Lach. Yes and satisfie them that they may believe it too Bac. I will Sir but I am sure to be no welcome Guest there For a young Woman parted from her Husband upo ' this account is a mortal Enemy to a Courtesan Bach. They 'll be your Friends when once they know on what Errand you are come Phid. I 'll pass my word for that too when they come to know your business For you 'll clear them of a Mistake and your self of all Suspicion Bac. Alack-a-day I 'm so ashamed to look Madam Philumena i' th' Face To her Maids Come both of ye after me Exeunt Phidippus Bacchis with her two Maids Laches alone What could I have wish'd for more than what has happened to this Woman that she might procure her self Friâ—nds without costing her any thing and do me a kindness into the Bargain For if in reality she has withdrawn her self from Pamphilus it will be very much to her Interest Reputation and immortal Honour For this one Act will for ever oblige my Son and gain her our Friendship Exit Laches The End of the Fourth Act. ACT V. Parmeno Enter at a distance O' my Conscience this Master o' mine counts my labour worth nothing he wou'dn't else ha'send me thus upon a Fool 's Errand as far as the Tower where I 've loyter'd away a whole day in gaping for Callidemides the Myconian Friend There did I sit all day like a Simpleton asking every body that came by Pray Sir said I are you a Myconian No says he Is your name Callidemides quoth I. No quoth he Are you acquainted with one Mr. Pamphilus All answered iâ—th ' Negative O' my Soul there 's no such Man in the World Faith at last I was damnably out oâ— Countenance and fairly slunk away Enter Bacchis and her Maid But what 's the meaning of Bacchis's coming out of our Father-in-Law's What has she to do there Bac. O Parmeno You cou'dn't come in a better time You must run for your Master Pamphilus in all haste Par. What for Bac. Tell him I 'd pray him to step hither a little Par. To you Madam Bac. No to his Lady Par. What 's to do there Bac. Nothing about you therefore don't be so inquisitive Par. Must I say nothing else Bac. Yes tell him that Madam Myrrhina challenges the Ring he formerly gaâ— me and says 't was her Daughters Par. I understand ye Does the business require suâ—ch haste Bac. Yes indeed Heâ—ll be here in a trice when you tell him of it What are you asleep Par. Not in the least nor I suppose an 't like to day for I ha' spent it already in running and trapesing all oâ—re the Town Exit Bacchis alone What great satisfaction has my coming procur'd Mr. Pamphilus to day How many Blessings have I brought him And how many troubles have I freed him from I have saved him a Son which his Wife his Mother and he were thinking to make away with recovered him a Loving Wife whom he was just upon casting off and cleared him from the unjust Suspicions of both his Fathers This is the Ring Shewing a Ring on her Hand That has procured him all this good Fortune For now I remember about nine months ago he comes one Evening alone to my House much out of Breath and much in Drink It almost put me into a Fit Prithee my dear Pam said I for Love's sake why so strangely disordered Where got ye this Ring Prithee tell me He pretended to mind something else at that I grew more suspicious and urg'd him to tell me At last my Gentleman confesses That coming along the Street he had forced a young Woman he knew not and in struggling took the Ring from her Myrrhina spyed it just now on my Finger and asked me how I came by 't I told her the whole Story upon which out came the Discovery that Philumena
Chrysis spake to me about her Sister is to this day engraven on my Heart she was just dying I remember when she called I went to her you among ye withdrew we alone she thus began My Pamphilus you see the Youth and Beauty of this poor Girl I needn't tell ye how little these signifie either to the security of her Vertue or Fortune Now by this Hand of yours and your natural Goodness I beg of ye I adjure ye by the Faith you ve given this poor Creature and by her solitary Condition to be true to her and never for sake her If you ve ever been to me as my own Brother if you 're the Man i' the World whom she ever most esteem d if she never deny'd ye any thing that she cou'd grant ye I now bequeath ye to her for a Husband a Friend a Guardian and a Father too I leave ye also Master of my Fortune to do with it as ye please With these Words she join'd our Hands and in the very Action died I receiv'd her and am resolv'd to keep her Mys Indeed Sir I hope so Pam. But why from your Mistress at this time Mys I 'm going for a Midwife Pam. Prithee make haste then She is going off But Hark ye not a word o' th' Wedding to her for fear it should make her the worse Mys I understand ye Exeunt severally End of the First Act. ACT II. Charine attended by Byrrhie Cha. As they enter HOw 's this Byrrhie Is she to be marry'd to Mr. Pamphilus to day Hah Byr. Neither better nor worse Cha. How know ye that Byr. I had it of Davus at the Change Cha. Unlucky Creature that I am There 's some Life in a Man as long as he lies hovering betwixt hope and fear but when he comes to despond once he sinks amain and his Heart 's as heavy as a lump of Lead Byr. For Goodness sake Sir be but so much a Philosopher as if ye can't have what ye wou'd content your self with what you may Cha. Nay there is nothing I 'd have but my dear Philumena Byr. Ah Sir Were it not much better to try if ye can put that Love out of your Head than to indulge your Passion thus stand blowing o the Cole and to no purpose neither Cha. 'T is an easier Matter to give Councel than to take it and if you had my Distemper you d say so Byr. Well well Sir what ye please for that Enter Pamphilus at a distance Cha. But stay a little I see Mr. Pamphilus yonder Since my Life 's at stake I 'm resolv d to make a Bolt or a Shaft on t. Byr. What whim take's my Master now Aside Cha. Why I will so beg and beg of him and tell him such a dismal story of my Love that I fancy he may be prevail'd upon to put off the Wedding for two or three days mean time something may happen Byr. And that something is just nothing at all Aside Cha. What think ye Byrrhie had I best go to him or no Byr. By all means Sir tho to no other purpose than to make him believe you ll Cuckold him if he marries her Cha. Go hang your self ye suspicious Cur. Pam. coming nearer O here 's Mr Charine Your Servant Sir Cha. Oh Sir the very man I wanted For if you don't keep up my Heart protect assist and advise me I 'm undone Pam. Troth Sir you 've found me but in a sorry Condition either to assist or advise ye But pray Sir tell me what you 'd have Cha. Arn't you to be married to day Sir Pam. 'T is so reported Cha. If ye do Sir you 've seen your last of me Pam. Why so Sir Cha. Alas Sir I daren't tell ye Prithee Byrrhie you tell him Byr. I will Sir Pam. to Byrrhie Well what 's the Business Byr. He 's only in love with your Spouse that 's all Sir Pam. Truly we arn't both of a Mind But pray be plain with me Is there no nearer Ingagement between you and her Cha. Ah Sir none at all Pam. O my Soul I wish there were Cha. Now as you 've any Love or Friendship for me I do adjure ye not to marry her Pam. Sir I 'll do my best i' th' Case Cha. But if ye can't avoid it or if the Wedding be so much to your Heart's desire Pam. My Heart's desire Angrily Cha. At least put it off a day or two longer that I may get out of the way Pam. But hear me a little Mr. Charine This is all to the Tune of I thank ye for nothing For I ll assure ye I 'm more against the Match than you are for 't Cha. That word has brought me to Life again Pam. Now if there be any thing to be done between you and your Man Byrrhie fall to work upon 't lye contrive do but order the Matter so that she may be yours and let me alone to see she shall never be mine Cha. Enough Sir Pam. seeing Davus afar off But yonder comes Davus in the lucky Minute whose Advice I rely upon Cha. to Byrrhie Ay Davus but you Sirrah are good for nothing but to tell me what I shall be never the better for In short out of my sight Byr. With all my Heart Sir Runs out Enter Davus at a distance looking about him Dav. to himself In the name of Goodness What a world of good News do I bring But where 's our Pam. now For I ve that to tell him which will rid him of his present Fears and make his Heart leap in his Belly Cha. There 's something pleases him if a Body knew what it were Pam. There 's nothing in 't the Fellow hasn't heard the Story of my misfortunes Dav. to himself I 'll warrant did he but know he was to be married today Cha. D' ye hear him Sir Dav. to himself He 'd post about the Town in a pitiful condition after me But where the De'l shall I meet with him now Or where shall I go to find him Cha. What not a word to him Dav. to himself Well I ll be marching Going off Pam. So-ho Davus stay Dav. not knowing him What Fellow 's that interrupts turning about O Lord My Master Pamphilus the Man I look'd for And Heyday here 's Mr. Charine too rarely well met for I' ve Business with ye both Pam. Ah Davus quite ruin'd Dav. interrupting But hear me first Pam. I 'm a lost man Dav. I know your Grief Hastily Cha. And my Life 's at stake Dav turning to Charine That I know too Pam. I 'm to be marry'd Dav. As if I didn't know that too Angrily Pam. But to day Davus Davus Zookers You 've put me besides my Senses I know all You 're afraid ye shou'd marry her to Pamphilus and you re afraid ye shou'd not to Charine Cha. Pam. together Thou hast nick'd it Ay the very same Dav. That very same 's nothing by this Light trust me Sir Pam. Prithee good
your self an Aftergame Have ye lost your Brains and your Money together Why do but look on me who was once in the same Case with your self How fresh and sparkish how Genteel I go and how strong and lusty I am I have the Indies at Command tho Lands I have none and tho I have scarce a Groat in the world yet I want for nothing In another Tone But says he Im of such an unluckly Constitution that neither buffooning nor beating will agree with me How 's that said I d' ye think that 's the way No you 're plaguily wide o' th' Mark. In the days of Yore this might have done well enough but we are now in another Method and perhaps I was the Inventer of it too There 's a sort of people in the World who â—et up for Wits of the first Rate and yet have no more Brains than Maggots Now these are the Men for my turn but then I am not their Merry-Andrew to make them sport but very readily make sport at them tho at the same time I praise their parts to the Skies If they say any thing I cry it up too If they unsay it I commend 'em for that too What they deny I deny What they affirm I affirm In fine Ive brought my self to be just of their Mind in every thing and by this means I get many a sweet Bit and a sweet Penny Par. A very pretty Fellow upo ' my word Give him a Fool and he 'll make him a Mad-man Aside Gna. Whilst this Chat lasted we got to the Market-place where I was joyfully met by a Troop of Confectioners Fishmongers Butchers Cooks Pastry-men Fishermen and Poulterers all of my old Cronies whom I had been a good Customer to before and since I had spent my Estate and am so still They Complimented me with Hat in Hand invited me to Supper and were very glad to see my Worship when my poor hunger-starvd Comrade saw I was so highly in their Books and live so bravely at ease he begg'd o' me for Heaven's sake to teach him a little of my Art I bid him follow me and be my Pupil and as the Sects of Philosophers borrowed their Names from their Masters so all that have learn'd the Art of Wheadling should from me be calld Gnathonicks Par. To see the virtue now of living at ease and being fed at another Man's Table Aside Gna. But hold Im plaguy backward in handing this present to Mrs. Thais and to invite her to the Treat advances towards the Door and sees Parmeno yonder 's Parmeno our Rival's Servant all i' th' dumps before the door Our Business goes swimmingly on these Sparks will have but a cold Suit on 't I 'm resciv'd to have a little sport with this poor Rogue Par. I warrant they think this Gift will make the Lady theirs for ever Aside Gna. My nown dear Friend Gnathâ—'s thy very humble Servant Well what are ye upon now Jeeringly Par. Upon my Legs Surlily Gna. I I see that But don 't ye see something here that offends your Eye-sight pointing to Pam. Par. Yes you Surlily Gna. That I believe too But is there nothing else Par. Why what should there be Gna. Because my Friend you seem to be a little out of Humour Par. Not in the least Gna. Nay I wou'dn't have ye do so But what think ye of this Present Hah Par. Why she 's tolerable Gna. I 've gall'd him I see Softly Par. over-hearing How plaguily he 's mistaken now Aside Gna. Won't Madam Thais be mightily taken with this Present think ye Par. As much as to say our Nose is out of joint But hark â—e Friend every Dog has his day there is a time for all things Gna. Now Parmeno will I give thee a Holy-day for this half Year and save thee the trouble of trotting up and down and sitting up till four or five in the morning Don't I do ye a prodigious piece of Service Par Who me Ay a damnable one Gna. Thus I always oblige Friends Par. You do well Gna. But perhaps I detain ye Sir your business possibly calls ye elsewhere Par. No I'm at my Journey 's end Gna. Pray Sir do me the favour then to introduce me to the Lady Par. Very good This present will be your Pasport now Gna. Will ye be pleas'd to have any one sent out to ye Exit Gnatho Pamphilia and Waiting Maid Par. alone Let but two days be over and I 'll take care that you may knock till your Heart akes without admittance tho' now you are so happy as to have the Doors flye open at a touch of your little Finger Re-enter Gnatho Gna. What here still my nown Friend D' ye keep guard here that not an Embassy by a Civil Messenger can pass privately between the Captain and the Lady Exit Gnatho Par. alone Very wittily spoken These wonderful fine things must needs please the Captain seeing Cherea But hold I see my Master's younger Son making this way I wonder what makes him from his post at Pireo when he 's upon Duty there There 's somewhat more than ordinary in the wind And he 's in great haste too I can't guess what makes him throw his Eyes about thus Enter Cherea at a distance from Parmeno out of Breath and looking about him Che. to himself I 'm undone The pretty Creature 's lost And so am I who have unluckily mist on her Where shall I look for her where shall I trace her whom shall I ask for her what blind Alley shall I range in I 'm in a strange Quandary I've this comfort left that she can't be long incognito where'ere she be The most charming Look From this Moment I 've done with the whole Sex beâ—ides Your Every-day Lasâ—es and Faces will ne're down again Par. Heyday Here 's another in the whining and languishing Vein or I 'm beside the Cushion The old Gentleman their Father 's finely blest If this Spark once begins the Sport he 'll be so mad upon 't that Mr. Phedrie will be a Child to him Aside Che. Wou'd the De'el had this old Mumsimus for stopping my Journey And me too for staying when I should have taken no notice of him Ho! here 's Parmeno Well met old Friend Par. Why so concern'd and yet so Gay And whether a going Che. Who I Troth I can't tell whence I came nor where I 'm going I 've lost my Senses Par. How so I beseech ye Che. I 'm in Love man Par. Heyday Che. Now old Boy shew what a Man your are thou knowest how often thou hast promised me Master Cherea do but find out one you ve a mind to and I 'll shew what a Talent I have at Intriguing You remember t was when I use to get you many a good bit out of my Fathers Pantry and no body e're the wiser ye Rogue Par. Pshaw no more of that Che. Why Faith â—twas e'en so Therefore prithee now be as good as thy word at
another and so to a third Thus did I dance up and down in a Peck of Troubles to prevent a discovery But hold is that Thais The very same I'm at a plaguy stand what to do Pshaw what care I She can neither hang draw nor quarter Tha. Let 's up to him O good Sir Dorus you 're welcome home Pray tell me Did you run away from us Che. True as you say Madam Looks simply Tha. And are extreamly pleased with this vagary I warrant Che. Not so extreamly neither Madam Tha. D' ye think you shall come off so Che. Well Madam pardon me this one Fault if you catch me in another hang me up Tha. Were you afraid that I shou'd prove a harsh Mistress that you ran for 't Che. No indeed Madam Tha. Of what then Che. Why I was only afraid this woman shou'd ha told Tales of me Pointing to Pythia Tha. Why what have you done then Che. A small matter Pyth. Impudence A small matter d' ye call it Is ravishing a Virgin and a Citizen so small a Matter in your account In a Passion Che. I took her for one of my fellow Servants Pyth. Thy fellow Servant I can scarce keep my Nails out o' th' Eyes of him Thou Devil incarnate Are you come to laugh at us too In a great Fury Tha. to Pythia Keep off you Bedlam Pyth. Why Madam As if there could ha' been any thing done to me if I had pull'd his Locks for him since he owns himself your Servant Tha. Triffling aside Indeed Mr. Cherea you ve done a very unworthy thing and which did not become ye for tho I had deserv'd this Affront never so much yet 't was dishonourable for you to do 't As I live I know not what course to take about the poor Girl You 've so broken all my Measures that I can't possibly return her to her Friends neither as I ought to do nor as I intended that I might ingratiate my self among 'em by so compleat an Obligation Che. Now Madam I hope to see a lasting kindness betwixt us both For from such bad Beginnings as this oft the greatest Friendships rise And who knows but some lucky Star has order'd this Tha. Why truly I interpret it thus and wish it from my Soul Che. And I beg it might be so Believe this one thing ' twasn't to affront you but pure love caus'd all this Tha. I do believe it and therefore rather paâ—don it For I 'm not of that Nature Mr. Cherea nor yet so insensible my self as not to know some what of the Power of Love Che. As I hope for Happiness Madam I 'm extreamly taken with you Pyth. Faith Madam look to your self then Che. I wou'dn't hurt her if I might Pyth. I 'll trust ye no farther than I can see ye Tha. Leave prating Fool. Che. Now Madam I must crave your Assistance in this great Design I trust and commit my self wholly to your disposal and beg your Protection Let me die if I don't marry her Tha. But what if your Father Che. What he I 'm sure of his Consent could she be prov'd to be a Gentlewoman Tha. If you please to stay a little her Brother will be here strait He 's but stept for the Nurse that brought her up And so Sir you may be by at the Discovery Che. Then I 'll stay Tha. I think we 'd better go in i' th' mean time than stay at the Door Che. With all my Heart Pyth. D' ye know Madam whatyou're going to do Tha. Why that Question Pyth. Why Sure you don't intend to take this Blade into your House again Tha. Why not Pyth. Trust me for once Madam he 'll make some new Disturbance Tha. Prithee leave your tattling Pyth. It seems you han't made sufficient tryal of him then Che. I 'll do no harm good Mrs Pythia Pyth. I 'll not trust ye an Ace good Mr. Cherea â—anless your Head were off Che. But Mrs. Pythia thou shalt be my Keeper Pyth. No Faith who will trust their selves with you either to keep or be kept by ye Away with ye Enter at a distance Chremes and Sophrona Tha. What luck 's here here 's the Brother just upon us Che. Alas-a-day I beseech ye Madam let 's in I wou'dn't for the world be seen i' th' Street in this Dress Tha. Why so ' Cause you 're asham'd on 't Che. Yes indeed am I. Pyth. Yes indeed am I say ye For the young Woman Cherea clapping her Hands at him Tha. Do you go in Sir I 'll follow ye Exit Cherea But do you stay here Pythia to bring in Mr. Chremes Exit Thais Pyth. to her self What Trick now what mischief can I think of How shall I contrive to make this Rogue Parmeno pay Sawce for this damnable Cheat he has put upon us Che. Come bestir your self Nurse a little faster Soph. So I do you see Chr. Ay but you don't advance Pyth. to Chremes Have you shown Nurse the Tokens Chr. Yes all of ' em Pyth. Pray Sir what says she Does she know 'em again Chr. Ay and remember 'em very well Pyth. That 's good News introth I wish the poor Gentlewoman well with all my Heart Be pleas'd to walk in my Lady has look'd for ye some time Exeunt Chremes and Sophrona Enter Parmeno at a distance Yonder comes that precious Rogue Parmeno In the Name of Heaven how unconcern'dly the Fellow stalks it But I believe I have found out a way to revenge my self on him as I wou'd wish I 'll go in and see the Truth of this Discovery then I 'll come again and fright the Rascal to some Tune Exit Pythia Par. alone I 'm come to see how Cherea carries on his Intrigue which if it be manag'd cunningly goodly goodly what Monuments of Praise are due to my Worship For to say nothing of procuring him the Person he loves without Trouble Fees or Charges when the Amour might have proved very difficult and costly from a covetous Bawd I 've done that which I think I deserve a Statue for Having shown this Spark a way to know all the tricks and customs of these common Jilts and by timely notice to abhor 'em for ever after When they 're abroad forsooth none so cleanly none so modish and genteel none so delicately neat as they when their Ladyships feast with their Gallants they feed as nicely as possible But to see the insatiable Gluttony the vile Nastiness the griping Penury of these filthy Jades at home how greedy of a Crust how eagerly they slabber and soss up Brown-George out of stinking Pottage to know all this before hand may be the saving of a young man Pyth. at the Door over-hearing him Faith I 'll be even with you for your Rogueries you 've said or done you shall have small Joy Sirrah in making Sport with us Enter Pythia taking no notice of Parmeno Pyth. entring Bless me what a base unworthy Action 's this An unfortunate young Gentleman And
Parmeno an ungracious Wretch to betray him hither Par. What 's in the wind now Aside Pyth. to her self It grieves me to the Soul Dear Heart I left the House in haste to get out of the sight on 't VVhat a dreadful Example do they say they 'll make on him Par. Heavens what new mischief 's this Is my Plot come to this then I 'll e'en speak to her Aside VVhat 's the matter Mâ—s. Pythia what 's that you talk'd of who 's that will be made an Example Pyth. D' ye ask that ye desperate Fool why you 've quite ruin'd the young Gentleman you had brought for the Eunuch when you thought I warrant you had put a trick upon us Par. How so what has happen'd Prithee tell me Pyth. I will so You don't know then that the Girl that was presented to my Lady to day is a Gentlewoman oâ— this Town and her Brother a Person of Quality Par. I know nothing on 't Pyth. But so it provâ—d And 't was she that your poor wretch ravish'd VVhen her Brother knew of it a most bloody-minded Fellow Par. VVhat did he do Fearfully Pyth. First bound him Hand and Foot 't wou'd grieve your heart to see it Gna. bound him Damnation Pyth. Tho my Lady begg'd all she cou'd for him Par. What say ye Hastily Pyth. Now he threatens to serve him like a common Horner a thing I ne're saw nor wou'dn't for the world Par. With what Face can he answer so great a Villany Pyth. Why so great I beseech you Par. Why isn't it the greatest of all Villanies Pray who e're heard of one apprehended for a Fornicator in a common Bawdy-house Pyth. I can't tell that Par. That you mayn't say you don't know on 't this I declare and forewarn you that 't is no less than Mr. Phedrie's Brother Pyth. How Prithee ' tisn't he Is' t Par. Therefore your Lady had best take care he comes to no harm But why don 't I break into the House my self Offers to go Pyth. Have a care what you do Parmeno you 'll do him no good and ruine your self into the Bargain for every body believes 't is all your contrivance Par. coming back What course shall I set upon Seeing Laches at a distance Oh yonder comes my old Master from his Country-house Shall I tell him on 't or no Studies Introth I will tho I certainly know I shall make a Rod so my own Breech Necessity has no Law he must rescue his poor Son Pyth. You do well I 'll go in Be sure you tell him the whole Story from the beginning to the end Enter Laches Laches to himself I always find this advantage from the nearness o' my Country-house that I 'm never much tired with the Town or Country When I begin to be sick of the one I shift Lodgings to the other But isn't that our Man Parmeno 'T is he as I hope to live Parmeno Who is' t you wait for at this House Par. turning short Who 's that there Ah Sir you 're welcome to Town Lac. Who d' ye wait for Hah Par. I 'm Thunder-struck I can't wag my Tongue for fear Aside Lac. Ha! What 's the matter Why d' ye shake so Is all well at home Prithee tell me Par. First I 'd have you be fully satisfied of this one thing Sir that whate're has happen'd I 'm as innocent as a new-born Babe Lac. Why what 's the matter Par. That 's well askt for I shou'd ha'â— told you that before Mr. Phedrie bought an Eunuch which he presented to this woman Lac. To what woman Par. Thais Lac. He buy Eunuchs S'bud I 'm undone then what did he cost Par. Fifty pounds Lac. I must run my Country then Par. Then his Brother Cherea fell in Love with a Musick-Wench Lac. How what Is he in Love too Do's he know what belongs to that Sport already Is he come from his Post to the City One Plague upon another Angrily looking on Parmeno Par. Pray Sir don't you direct your Discourse to me I wasn't his Counsellor Lac. Speak another word about your self you Hangman and as I live But tell me the whole business quickly Par. Mr. Cherea was sent there instead of the Eunuch Sir Lac. Instead of the Eunuch Par. Very true Sir and now they 've appehended him for a Rape and have bound him Hand and Foot Lac. Hell and Furies Par. But mark the Impudence of these Jades Lac. Is there any Roguery you han't told me on yet Par. You 've heard all Sir Lac. Why don't I break in upon ' em Exit Laches Parmeno alone I don't question but I 've brought an old House upon my Head by this day's work and yet I cou'dn't possibly avoid it Howe're I 'm pleas'd that these Strumpets shall feel some of the smart by my Means The old Gentleman has sought an occasion this half Year to make notorious Examples of some of 'em and now I think he has found one Enter Pythia Pyth. to her self I'faith this was the pleasantest Scene I e're saw in my Life to see the old Gentleman come blundering upon us in such a mistake I had all the Sport to my self because I knew his Ailment Par. over-hearing VVhat a Plague's here Aside Pyth. to her self I 'm now come to see for the Fool Parmeno But where in the name of goodness shall I find him Par. O' my Soul she looks for me Aside Pyth. to her self O! I see him I 'll be with him presently Par. What 's the matter Mrs. Impertinence What woâ—'d you be at what are you so tickl'd at what ne're a done Pyth. Oh my Sides I 've almost burst my Sides with Laughing at thee Par. Your Reason pray Pyth. A pretty Qnestion Faith thou' rt the arrantest Ass I e're did or shall set my Eyes on 'T is utterly past my skill to tell thee what excellent Sport thou hast made within I took thee for a cunning ingenious Fellow Par. How 's this Pyth. Had ye no more wit than to believe presently what I said were you not asham'd of the Villany you put the poor Gentleman upon but you must tell Tales of him to his Father How simply did he look think ye when his Father surpriz'd him in that disguise What Don't you see what a fine pass you have bronght your self to Par. Ha! How 's this you filthy Carrion Did ye tell me a Lye and then laugh at the Wit on 't D' ye think it such fine Sport to abuse us ye Jade Pyth. Oh the finest sport i' th' World Par. D' ye think you shan't pay dearly for this Pyth. Perhaps so Par. Ay Faith shall ye Pyth. I fancy as much These Threats may come to Morrow but you 'll be hang'd to day for entring a young Gentleman a Debauchee and then discovering it they 'll both have a pull at your Coat for this Par. I 'm a Reprobate Pyth. You see the Reward of your Roguery and so Good b'ye to ye Exit Pythia Par.
alone Like a senseless Fool I 've betray'd my self like Rats with their own Squeaking Enter Thraso and Gnatho at another part of the Stage Gna. to Thraso What 's in hand now Sir Upon what Assurance or Design came we hither what Enterprize next Sir Thr. Who I I 'll e'en surrender my self to her upon discretion and e'en do as she 'd have me Gna. How Sir Thr. Why shou'd I be less submissive to this Lady than Hercules was to Omphala Gna. A pat Example wou'd I cou'd see the Slipper flung at your soft Head too Aside But what makes her Door open Discovering Cherea What mischief 's a foot now I think I never saw that Face before What makes him cut Capers thus as he comes out Enter Cherea Che. to himself Come my dear Country-men was ever any Man born under a happier Planet than my self Not a Man upon my word For 't is plain the Powers above to shew in me how great their Soveraignty is have singled me out on whom they have showr'd down so many Blessings all at once Par. Why 's he so merry trow Che. My dear Parmeno 'T is to thee I 'm indebted for the Rise the Advancement and the Perfection of my Comforts Dost know my dear sweet Creature 's prov'd a Gentlewoman Par. I heard it by the bye Sir Che. And that she 's to be my Bride Par. As I hope to be Knighted that 's Admirable Gna. D' ye hear Sir what he says Aside to Thraso Che. Then I am heartily glad my Brother's Amours are in such a happy Condition The Families are both united now Thais has put her self wholly under my Father's Care and Protection and is wholly ours Par. Then Mr Phedrie is like to have her for good and all Che. Yes indeed Par. This too is worth a laughing at for the mighty Captain 's routed Che. Do you take care that my Brother may know of this as soon as ye can wheresoe're he be Par. I 'll see for him at home Exit Parmeno Thr. So Gnatho Dost not think I 'm gone to all Intents and Purposes Gna. There 's no thinking otherwise Cherea to himself Where shall I begin first Or whom commend most Him that advis'd me to do 't or my self that had the Heart to venture upon 't or the good Fortune that directed us both and that brought so many Circumstances of so great moment and so luckily too into the Compass of one Day Or shall I praise the Indulgence of my Father Great Jove that dost poor Mortals Fate secure secure Grant that our Joys may with our Lives endure Enter Phedrie Phe. to himself Bless me Parmeno tells me Wonders But where 's my Brother Che. Here at your Service Phe. I 'm extreamly glad for your good Fortune Brother Che. I believe so and truly Brother there 's ne're a Mistriss more worthy to be belov'd then your's she has so vastly oblig'd our Family Phe. Hey-day Do you commend her before my Face Thr. to Gnatho I 'm quite undone The less I Hope the more I Love Good Gnatho I rely wholly upon thee Gna. What wou'd you ha' me do Sir Thr. Bring it about either for Love or Money that I may continue a little in Madam Thais Favour Gna. That will be hard Thr. You can do 't I know if you give your Mind to 't If ye perform it Command what Gift or Reward you please 't is your own Gna. Shall it so Sir Thr. It shall indeed Gna. Why then Sir if I do 't I desire to have free Egress and Regress into your House whether you be at home or abroad and a Place at your Table whether invited or no. Thr. It shall be so upon my Honour Gna. Well I 'll make an Effort Phe. Whose Tongue 's that O Captain is' t you Thr. Gentlemen I 'm your humble Servant Phe. Perhaps you know not what has happen'd at this House Thr. Yes Sir I do Phe. What makes ye scouting in these Quarters then Thr. Under your Protection Gentlemen Phe. D' ye know the Protection you 're to expect Take this from me Good-man Captain if I find you sauntering here again in the Street you mustn't think to sham me off with I was looking for a Friend and my Business lay this way for you 're like to have no Quarter Gna. Soft Sir that 's not like a Gentleman Phe. I 'll be no worse than my word Gna. Indeed Sir I didn't think you'd been so huffy Phe. You 'll find it just so Gna. Pray be pleased Gentlemen to hear your Servant Gnatho a word or two and then do what you please in this Affair Phe. Le ts hear 't then Gna. Do you Captain move a little a Thraso stands off one side In the first place let me beseech ye both to be perswaded that whate're I do i' th' case is purely for my own sake but if your Interest shou'd jump with mine you 're unwise if you don't follow my Councel â— Phe. Out with 't then Gna. What if you took the Captain in amongst ye too Fawningly Phe. How amongst us Gna. Consider a little better Sir Why faith you and your Mistress live very high for you 're used to an easie splendid Life you 've but a small Allowance your self and this Thais will be requiring more Now that you may supply her and save your own Pocket there 's not a fitter or more convenient Urâ—nsil than this Blunderbuss i'thâ—whole World Fâ—◠〈◊〉 he has Money enough at Command and â—â—e more prodigal on 't than he Then he 's a Soft-headed Fool and a Half-witted Coxcomb and a sumbling Fellow that snores Night and Day Yeâ— needn't fear the Gentlewoman's falling in Love with him then you may kick him out of Doors when you please Phe to Câ—erea What had we best do Gna. Then Sir what 's best of all he treats as high and nobly as a Lord. Phe. Ten to one but we may have occasion for this fool sometime or other Che. I 'm of that Mind too Gna. Gentlemen I 'm oblig'd to you One Favour more let me beg of you to admit me also into your retinue I 've been cleaving of that Block long enough already Phe. We grant it Che. And with all our Hearts Gna. Then in requital Gentlemen here 's to the fleecing and jeering the Cully to death Che. That 's well Phe. He deserves it Gna. to Thraso Now noble Captain you may make your Approaches Thr. And prithee how do Matters stand Gna. How the Gentlemen didn't know your worth when I had inform'd 'em of your good Qualities and given 'em a Character of ye as your noble Actions and Vertues deserve your Suit was granted Aside to him Thr. to Gnatho Well hast thou done To Phe. and Che. Gentlemen great thanks do I return ye I never was any where but that all kind of People lov'd me most dearly Gna. Didn't I tell ye how choice he was of his Expressions polite upo ' my word Phe. Now there 's
extreamly ill he 'll take it if he knew all since he 's so very angry for that little he does know nor can I imagine how to alter his Resolution And this is the only Evil that could ha' befallen me after all my other Disasters if I shou'd be forced to bring up a Child we don't know the Father of For when my Daughter was ravish'd 't was so dark she cou'dn't discern his Face nor yet get any Token from him whereby to discover him afterwards 〈◊〉 only when the Fellow left her he forced a Ring off her Finger Upon the whole matter I 'm strangeâ—y afraid Mr. Pamphilus when he comes to hear wâ— bring up another Man's Child instead of his will no longer conceal what we desired him to keep private Exit Myrrhina The end of the Third Act. ACT IV. Enter Sostrata and Pamphilus Laches comes to the Door and observes ' em Sost entring I Know well enough Pamphilus you suspect 't was long of my humours that your Wife left us dissemble the matter as much as ye please but may I never obtain Mercy no enjoy that Comfort from ye I expect if e're to my knowledge I did any thing that should give her any disgust against me I always believ'd you respected me but now you ha' given certain proof of it for your Father has been telling me within how far you prefer my Reputation to your Love And now I design to return ye the like Complement and let ye know how highly I esteem such Dutifulness I believe my dear Son 't will be better for both your Satisfaction and my Reputation if I retire into the Country with your Father as I 've fully resolv'd so my presence will be no Eye-sore to ye nor any pretence for your Wife 's staying away Pam. Pray Madam what d' ye mean by this Shall her silly Freaks drive you into the Country It must not be nor can I endure to have the envious world say 'T was done through my wilfulness and not your good Nature Besides I wou'dn't for e're so much ha' ye upon my account banish'd the Enjoyment of your Friends Relations and all the Diversions of the Town Sost Truly Son I 've now but little relish of these Enjoyments Time was indeed when I had my fill of 'em but now I 'm quite weary of those Gamhals At present my chief care is to keep my Age from being a burden to others that so they mayn't wish for my end Here I find I 'm despis'd without cause and 't is time to retreat By this means I fancy I shall cut off all cause of Discontent clear my self of hard Suspicions and homour 'em all Therefore pray let me avoid those Scandals we Women generally lie under Pam. How happy am I upon all accounts were it not for this since I ha' such a Mother and such a Wife Aside Sost Good dear Boy as the Case stands try to make shift with one inconveniency If other things go according to your mind and your Wife is as I take her to be grant me this one request my Child and have her home Pam. Ah! I 'm very unhappy Sost And I too For I 'm as much concern'd at itâ— as you can be my dear Child for the Soul of ye Laches appears and goes up to ' em Lach. So Wife I over-heard all your discourse just by here 'T is Policy to comply freely with the Occasion when you know force would follow else Sost May it succeed well Lach. March into the Country then and there we 'll both bear with one anothers humours Sost I hope we shall Lach. Go in then and pack up what things you 'll have occasion for I 'm fixâ—d Sost I shall obey your Orders Exit Sostrata Pam. But Sir Concernedly Lach. Well Pamphilus Pam. Will ye send my Mother into the Country By no means Lach. Why not Pam. Because Sir as yet I 'm not resolved what to do with my Wife Lach. How What should ye do but take heâ— home again Pam. aside That I would with all my Hearâ— â—nd can hardly perswade my self not to do 't But Iâ—â—â— not break one â—ot o' my measure but ev'n take that coursâ— I think most convenient To Laches I presume Sir they 'll be better Friends if she stays where she is Lach. That 's more than you know However ' tisn't a Pin matter to you whether they be Friends or Foes when once your Mother 's out o' the way The truth on 't is we old Folks are no good Companâ— to you young ones and therefore we had ev'n as good go our way In short Pamphilus your Mother and I are become By-words t' ye The old Man and the old Woman But yonder comes my Brother iâ—th ' Critical minute Let 's give him the meeting Enter Phidippus on the other side of the Stage Laches moves towards him Phid. to Philumena within Troth Daughter I 'm angry with you and very much too for in sober Sadness t was a very scurvy trick tho' your Mother's forcing ye be your pretence yet I 'm sure she had no such excuse Lac. O Brother you 're come at the best time i' th' World Phid. Why so Pam. What answer shall I give 'em or how be able to keep this Secret Aside Lach You may tell your Daughter my Wife 's going into the Country so she needn't be afraid to come home to her Husband Phid. Poh Your Wife 's innocent of all 't is my Wife that 's the Broacher of all this Pam. Nay then the Case is alterâ—d Aside Phid. And has caus'd all this ado Mr. Laches Pam. Let 'em cause what ado they please so I don't take her home again Aside Phid. Now Pamphilus I wish nothing more if it can be brought about than that there may be a lasting Alliance between us If you are of another mind pray take the Child however Pam. He knows o' that too I 'm past all hope Aside Lach. The Child Prithee what Child Hastily Phid. Why we have a Grand-Son Brother Fâ—â— my Daughter when she left your House was big it seems and I ne're so much as knew of her breeding till now Lach. Good introth as I 'm an honest Man I 'm heartily glad 't is born and your Daughter well But what a strange sort of a Woman is your wife Pam what odd kind of Fancies she has about her so long to keep things in the dark from us I vow I can't say how unhandsome it looks Phid. Truly Brother I 'm as little pleased at the proceedings as you Pam. My mind was in suspence before but now 't is fixed since she 's to bring a Brat with her that 's none o' mine Aside Lach. Come come Pam 't is too late to stand shally shally Pam. I 'm ruined Aside Lach. I 've often wished for that happy day of having one to call you Father 'T is come at last Heavens be prais'd Pam. Beyond Redemption Aside Lach. Take home your Wife without any
to Simo. And what 's to be done next Sir Sim. Why now we are all friends again Pam. The best of Fathers I suppose Me Chremes will allow us to be in statu quo Chr. And all the Reason i' th' world unless your Father 's against all Pam. Sim. together I 'm sure he 's not I agree to 't Chr. Mr Pamphilus you shall have two thousand Pounds with her Pam. I 'm satisfy'd Sir Chr. Well I 'll to my poor Girl in an instant Come Crito go you along with me for I make a doubt whether she knows me or no. Exeunt Crito and Chremes Sim. And hadn't ye better send for her now Pam. I think 't were better and that shall be Davis's business Sim. But that can't be Pam. Why so Sir Sim. Because he 's a little engag'd Pam. As how Sir Sim. Why he 's bound Neck and Heels Pam. Ah Sir ' twasn't well done Sim. I 'm sure I order'd it to be well done Merrily Pam. Pray Sir let him be undone then Sim. Well let it be so then Pam. But immediately Sir if you please Sim. I 'll in and about it Pam. A blessed and happy days work Ex. Simo. Enter Charine at a distance Cha. to himself Well I 'll go to see how squares go with Mr. Pamphilus Oh yonder he is Observes him Pam. Some may be apt to think my Heart is far From what my Lips do utter but ev'n Now Now 't is I'm Conscious what I say's most true That Gods themselves wou'd not immortal be Were not their Joys like them immortal too And now methinks I'm all encircled round With Heavenly Bliss if no Left handed God Come in between and dash my sweets with sowre Oh for a Friend to whom I might relate This blessed Change to make 't the more compleat Cha. What 's the meaning of these Reptures Enter Davus at a distance Pam. Oh yonder 's Davus the Man o' th' whole Earth I cou'd have wish'd for for I 'm sure there is not a Soul can more heartily relish my Enjoyments Dav. to himself Where shou'd a man light of this same Pamphilus now Pam. Oh Davus Dav. not seeing him Who art thou for a man Pam. 'T is I old Rock Dav. turning about What you Sir Pam. Ay ye don't know what good Fortune I ve met withal Da. No Faith But I know to my sorrow what Fortune I 've met withal Shrugging his shoulders Pam. Ay Boy that I know too Da. Just as the world goes Bad News always flys faster than good Pam. My dearest has found out her Parents Dav. Before George 't is brave Merrily Cha. listning Bless me Aside Pam. And her Father is one of our great Cronies Da. Who 's that pray Pam. No less than Mr Chremes Da. Spoken like a Cherubim Pam. I 've now nothing to do but to marry her and Cha. The Man dreams of what he has a mind to waking Aside Pam. Then for the Child Davus Da. No more of him I 'll warrant ye he 'll come to be a Hero at last Cha. going to them I 'm a made Man if all this be true I 'll e'n speak with ' em Aside Pam. Who goes there O dear Charine you 're come i' th' luckiest time that could be Cha. I m very well pleased Pam. How Ha' ye heard the News then Cha. Every Syllable VVell I hope won't forget your old Friend on your VVedding day Mr. Chremes is now your own if you 'll but say the word I 'm sure he 'll do 't Pam. I ll warrant ye not forget ye 'T wou'd be too long to wait Mr. Chremes's coming let 's ev'n go to my Mistress where we shall be sure to find him But do you Davus go home and send Company to remove her to our's What makes ye stand like a Post why don't ye move Dav. I 'm going Sir Exeunt Pamphilus and Charine Davus turns to the Spectators Gallants You must not expect their return for the Match and every thing else will be made up within Doors One Clap good Gentlemen The End of the Fair Andrian The Eunuch A COMEDY Acted at the Feast of Cybele WHEN L. Postumius Albinius and L. Cornelius Merula were Curule Edil's By the Company of L. Ambivius Turpio and L. Attilius of Preneste Flaccus made free by Claudius Compos'd the Musick which was perform'd on two Right-handed FLUTES It was taken from the GREEK of Menander Acted twice under the Consulship of M. Valerius and C. Fannius A. U. C. 593. before Christ 156. Dramatis Personae MEN. Laches Father to Phedrie and Cherea Phedrie His Eldest Son a Gentleman of a soft and easie Temper fondly in Love with That 's whom he keeps Cherea His younger Brother a hot wild amorous Youth wantonly in Love with Pamphila Antipho A young Gent. Cherea ' s Companion and Confident Chremes A young Country Squire somewhat blunt in Speech and Behaviour and unacquainted with the Tricks of the Town Thraso A Proud Self-conceited Pedantick Bragging Hectoring Clownish Officer A Pretender to Thais and one that believes himself a great Wit and a Man of Courage when at the same time he 's both Coward and Coxcomb Gnatho The Parasite a hanger on of the Captains a crafty slie insinuating wheadling buffooning Fellow always extolling the Captain 's Wit and Valour and by an ingenious equivocating sort of Flattery abusing the Captain to the very Face Parmeno Servant to Phedrie and his Counsellor a bold cunning intriguing Fellow and a down-right Woman-hater â—â—â—us The Eunuch â—anga Servant to Thraso WOMEN Thais A Noble Courtesan kept by Phedrie a good natur'd Creature of a flattering insinuating winning disposition Pythia Her Maid very busie and faithful a mortal Enemy to Parmeno Doria Another Servant to Thais Sophrona A Nurse MUTES Simalio Dorax Syriscus Servants to the Captain Scene ATHENS The Time Six or Seven Hours The EUNUCH ACT I. SCENE The Street before Simoâ— s Door TIME The Forenoon Phedrie attended by Parmeno Phe. entring WHAT 's to be done now Shan't I go to her What not now when she sends for me so kindly Or shall I resolve never to put up the Affronts of a Jilting Mistress She shut me out now she invites me in Go with a Pox No that I won't tho she 'd beg it on her Knees Angrily Par. Troth Sir if you cou'd hold out at this rate 't wou'd be the best and bravest thing you ever did but if ye begin upo'thâ— Huff and your Heart not serve ye to go through with it if you faint i' th' Enterprize and go before you 're sent for or so much as reconcil'd and sneakingly tell her You 're so entirely devoted to her as not to live an hour without her your business is done to all Intents and Purposes She 'll ride you to death when she has you at mercy Wherefore I 'd ha' you be twice advis'd before it be too late For alas Sir what will reason or moderation signifie in a Case that will bear neither For Love