here I must needs say that though our Pastor spake much to this purpose and that sweetly a while since from 2 Cor. 6. 2. Behold now is the acceptable time behold now is the day of Salvation yet did it not take upon my heart in that way as these few hints did for the Lord had not then appeared to my soul in those manifestations of love as he did afterward and how ever these Scriptures do chiefly referre as I conceive to the time of the Gospel and Gods love to the souls of men in bringing of them home to himself yet that truth which was at this time chiefly set upon my heart was from the consideration of this present hint of time wherein the Lord through his rich grace in my Lord Jesus Christ had been pleased to cause his face to shine upon my soul The very next day being the 13 of this moneth in the morning when I was awaked as I lay in my bed I had that Scripture in Luk. 13. 11. brought fresh to my mind of that woman whom Sathan had bowed these eighteen years vers 16. whom Christ loosed with a perswasion before ever I began to count it that the time of my Thraldome under Sathan and sinne would run paralel with this as also my condition for saith the text she had a spirit of infirmity and was bowed together so as she could in no wise lift up her self and truly thus I found it had been with me for many years I had been bound by Sathan under unbeleefe and the corruptions of my own heart and so bowed together as I could in no wise lift up my self so as to give glory to God by beleeving and as for the time when I came to count it from the first time that the Lord was pleased to touch my heart with a sight and sense of my wretched condition and thereupon to occasion much trouble of spirit which was as I conceive about the year 1635. which reckoned untill the end of the year 1652 which was the first time that ever the Lord did upon real solid grounds speak any abiding word of comfort to me and so in any measure loosing me from those bands and I did find it to be just 18 years This same morning also a little while after there fell an other Scripture upon my heart which I found recorded in Psal 129. 1 2. Many a time have they afflicted me from my youth may I srael now say many a time have they afficted me from my youth yet have they not prevailed against me and hath it not been thus with my soul many a time hath it been afflicted with temptations and corruptions but through mercy they have not yet totally prevailed over me There was also two other Scriptures immediately after this set upon my heart this morning as first that in Psal 34. 6. This poor man cryed and the Lord heard him and saved him out of all his troubles even so this poor soul of mine hath cryed unto the Lord in my fears and he hath blessed be his name heard me and graciously delivered me out of all the fears and troubles that ever yet lay upon me And to back this for the future there was immediately that Scripture brought to my mind in Joh. 5. 19. He shall deliver thee in six troubles yea in seven there shall no evill touch thee the meditation whereof was exceeding sweet to my soul but whilst my soul lay under these enjoyments from the Lord which for a time even swallowed up my heart in the admiration of him yet notwithstanding suddenly after finding my heart exceedingly straightned to blesse and praise the name of this my God in such a manner and measure as my soul desired for all these wonderfull appearances to me I had this perswasion strongly darted into me that the Lord had some sharp affliction suddenly to lay upon me which I was fully possessed with expectation of which caused me to pour out my soul before the Lord beseeching him to fit me for it and sanctifie it unto me what ever it should be not knowing in what way or manner for to expect it apprehending it to be some sorer stroke than a little bodily affliction and because I apprehended that the sadest outward affliction that could come to me was the parting with my dear Mother I did therefore straightway apprehend this would be the trial at the thoughts of which I was at the present somewhat startled but within a few dayes on the 23 of this eleventh moneth was the Lord pleased to visit my poor body with much bodily distemper which seazed so upon my vitall spirits and so over-poured them which together with other distempers lay somewhat heavy upon the flesh in and under which if I know my own heart the greatest part of my trouble was that I could not find out what the mind of the Lord was in it in which inquiry there was some things the which were then presented to me as the ground of it as for instance The first thing that was darted into me was that the Lord did it to put a stop to me in this very act of recording the loves of the Lord to my soul who hath carried me as upon Eagles wings and as it were set me aloft Exod. 19. 4. so as no affliction or dispensation hath been able to do me hurt but have born yea forborn me and carried me all the dayes of old as he did his people Israel notwithstanding all my rebellions Esa 63. 9 10 12 15 16. and this suggestion for ought I know might come even from Sathan himself though I confesse it was presented upon a very faire account insinuating into me that it was out of the pride of my spirit which put me upon this action which caused my soul to make its address to the Lord beseeching him to search me and try my heart and my reines and withall begging of him that if there were any such corruption in the bottome which was not yet discovered to me that he would be pleased to reveal it and so put a stop to me in any actings whatsoever upon any such account And though upon the strictest search and inquiry that I was able to make into my own heart I could find little ground why I should altogether conclude with Sathan in this yet the very fear of it did for the space of half a year at least if I mistake not cause this work to cease untill it was again set with some weight upon my spirit as that which might make for the glory of my Lord and perhaps though weakly stammer out his praise when I shall be gathered into into my dust who was so unable to speak it out in my life and this I both did and do the rather beleeve to proceed from Sathan the great enemie of Soules because I find the Saints through the Scripture so ready to declare what great things the Lord had done for their soules Psal 34. 2.
want of grace for look in the book of God and there they that make the greatest moane over their own hearts and their want of grace they are the most eminent of all other as we see in Paul and David this I speak saith he not to encourage any in a careless lazy way but to comfort drooping spirits and the rather because there is no way under heaven so like to make you really holy as to be emboldened thus to go to Jesus Christ and the soul seeing what full and free grace comes from Jesus Christ the love of Christ would constrain the soul to walk holily and thankfully towards him thus knowing there is all fullness in Christ as in the head for the use of all the members then accordingly as soon as ever you find any defect in your selves in any kind to interrupt your comfort and peace let the next question be But hath he not sufficiency for this then betake to Jesus Christ as suppose a poor woman were going with her pale of water which she had drawn out of a well or living fountaine and on a sudden had a slip and spilt it all out of her paile and there sitteth crying to think what she had lost now whether were it better or a sign of more wisdome for her to stand gathering up of that which she spilt or to go and dip her paile into the Well again and so fill it presently surely the last were her wisdome so when we lose our peace and our comfort we ought to be humbled but to think to recruit our selves by our gathering up that which we have lost this is not our wisdome let us go to Christ our well-head and make it up presently From which the Lord did indeed convince me much of my folly having been so long at work to scrape and gather up somewhat of that I had lost neglecting Jesus Christ where was fullness then did the Lord by this servant of his mightily provoke us to a diligent study of Jesus Christ to bend our mindes heads and hearts and all to come to know what ever there was that was knowable in Jesus Christ and that from the consideration of the excellency of this knowledg above all other knowledg yea further what soever you learn of Jesus Christ you learn but to understand your own wealth and know your own happiness for instance imagine two men coming by some delicate house full of rich treasure and an officer should stand by and say Sir are you willing to see all the riches of this house haply you will say for curiosity sake we care not if we do but if he comes to one of them and sayes Sir all that is here is yours you are made whole executor and it is all bequeathed to you oh how would this man search the house how he would study every deed and every word in it and search every cabinet and get an inventory of all that was there why for they are all his so when we see the wealth rarities of others we say but what do they concern me or if I should see the wealth of Solomon what am I the richer but when I see the wealth of Christ I see my own riches Oh my soul the Lord grant that this may be thy study day and night here indeed is the difference you should make between Christ and others when I hear and read the excellencies of other Saints it may be a discouragement as when I read of the patience of Job I am discouraged because I am so peevish when I read of the holiness of David who prayed seven times a day and many times in the night rising to prayer this discourageth me but when I read of Christs patience or boliness I look on him not as abstract from me but as my head as one that all he did was for me oh then who would not but know what is knowable of him But then again did Christ do all he did for us then surely every thing yea all that a Christian hath should be for Christ and then should we shew our selves Christians indeed as Paul 2 Cor. 5. 14 15. for saith he the love of Christ constrained us for we thus judge that if Christ died for us then were we dead then we that live should live to him that died for us the love of Christ overcame him and carried him captive as a strong stream would carry a little cockboat what was I dead and did Christ give me life then if by the grace of God I live I will give that life to Christ never do you live like a Christian till you come to this to live wholly to Christ in all that you have and do enjoy your estate Trade and in all your outward comforts and it s most certain that to a gracious heart there is no Rhetorick under heaven will more prevail to the performance of a duty or to the avoiding of what is evil then to perswade to the one or to forbear the other by the love of Christ this drawes out the heart to be liberal for Christ and serviceable to Christ oh how full did these convictions come upon my heart the Lord having but just before been pleased to give in a portion of the outward riches to me which wrought so upon my heart and made me greatly to desire and beg of God that whatever I had or enjoyed might be wholly improved for Jesus Christ and for the advancement of his glory The 18 of March Mr. Knight being under some bodily distemper not being fit to preach my heart was drawen out to go to London to hear though with some bodily prejudice not being very well and the weather falling out wet yet did the Lord provide a comfortable and refreshing word for my poor soul both from Mr. Simpson whom I heard in the morning as also from Mr. Rogers whom I heard in the afternoon Mr. Simpson spake from that Scripture Ephes 1. 6 7. verses The 23 of March 1652. being the fourth day of the week did the Lord go on yet further to speak many comfortable rrefreshing words to my soul from Mr. Knights ministery who then spake to us from that Scripture in 1 Joh. 4. 19. We love him because he first loved us whence was observed That as love beaming out from God to his people takes them up into union with himself so this union occasions the reflection upon that divine love whereby we love God again so that being beloved we love the first lover which is God There are two things very pleasing to gracious hearts the one is to take a view of God in his rich love the other to veiw our selves intrested in that love For the first all sights of God are glorious because his glory passeth through all his discoveries but no sight more ravishing then that of his love and no love like his distinguishing love with which he loves his people whereby he makes them both loving and lovely for
66. 16. 1 Tim. 1. 13 14 15 16. Act. 22. there was also suddenly after this presented to me as one thing that the Lord might aim at in this touch of his even to mind me that I had not that degree of compassion or fellow feeling as I ought of that affliction which in some respect in the same kind though in a greater degree lay upon our Sister Arnat by reason of a great feaver and doubtless there might be something in this though I should also wrong my self should I not acknowledge much and continued working in my heart for and towards her which oft occasioned me to spread her condition before the Lord according to my poor measure But upon the 25 of this 11 moneth in the night I had little or no rest by reason of the great distemper which lay upon me and really I do not well know wether the distemper of my body or my mind were the greater but both meeting it lay somewhat heavy upon the flesh which thought it self ready to give up under it but my thoughts being continually working I found in my spirit a great natural reluctancy against death which seemed at times as it were to approach often thinking that it was not possible in natural reason that I could continue untill morning yet said I nothing for fear of affrighting my Mother yet had I also between times a great desire together with a kind of perswasion that for all this I should be enabled to hear Mr. Knight next morning whose turn it was to preach at the Chappel at Fulham thus I say finding in my spirit some kind of reluctancy at death of which considering a little it being that corruption which I thought had now been in some good measure crucified but finding it still to work up was no smal trouble to me which together with many other fears that lay upon my spirit as that I should not be inabled to sanctifie the name of God or honour him under this affliction which was indeed the ground of my trouble at the approach of death and if I know my heart in any measure that only which I resolved in my self to declare to some friend I should meet at Fulham next day if the Lord should please to enable me to go and so beg their remembrance at the throne of grace but being enabled to consider better of it I was given to see that it was nothing but a meer temptation to distrust the power and love of God to think as if he should now bring me into that condition that he would not carry me thorough whereupon I was enabled to gather up my spirits a little and in some better measure to submit to the hand and will of my Father which I was now assured should certainly end in his glory and my good and to this end I was now also enabled again to call over that blessed promise in Rom. 8. 28. That all things shall work yea work together for good to them that love God c. which promise I had often found by experience had been made good to my soul and was therefore much troubled that any distrustful thoughts should arise in me concerning it divers other promises also before mentioned were now brought to my mind and wrought afresh upon my heart which did exceedingly refresh my spirit so that the first refreshment which I found was in my spirit and after that was a little quieted I had a little short slumber and did the Lord so farre mittigate my bodily distemper as that it did not hinder me from that blessed opportunity next day though accompanied with much bodily weakness But upon the 2 day of the 12 moneth 1652. I found my distemper of body much abated in so much as I thought it was now quite gone but that very night was the Lord pleased to return yea to heighten it constraining me to keep house certain days whereby I perceived that this work upon my soul was not yet accomplished nor I fully acquainted with his mind and will in it which was some trouble to me whereupon I again besought the Lord to acquaint me with his mind and will in it and to sanctifie it unto me giving me an heart to submit to whatsoever he had yet further to lay upon me in which I also sought the prayers of his people upon the 6 of this moneth But upon the seventh day of this moneth Providence offering some occasion whereby I was put upon the thoughts of parting with my Aunt Dogget who was upon remove into the Country with many thoughts there abouts which were now brought to my mind which occasioned such a heavyness to possess my spirit upon other accounts also which came in to adde to the other in so much that I was even as it were overwhelmed with it untill I was enabled to vent it before the Lord at vvhich time he vvas pleased to discover to me that this vvas meerly to return as it vvere from the Lord to the creature for comfort and support as if he vvere not able abundantly to make up in himself the vvant of such a comfort and relation if he savv meet to deprive me of it the thoughts of vvhich did much grieve me then did the Lord also shevv me hovv I had continually provoked him in this kinde by leaning upon such poor reeds and diging to my self such poor pits such broken Cisterns as could indeed hold no vvater and in the mean time too much neglect him the fountain of living vvaters Jer. 2. 13. Yea while I was thus pouring out my soul before him and lamenting my miserable and wretched folly he was pleased also to cast my thoughts upon that part of Scripture I find recorded in 1 King 11. 9. How the Lord was angry with Solomon because his heart was turned from the Lord God of Israel which had appeared to him twice even so I saw the Lord had just cause to be angry with me that I should thus again return to the creature and as it were make a God of it yea after such eminent appearances of his to my soul The same day did the Lord bring to my mind that severe threatning against Moab who had been at ease from his youth and was setled on his lees who had not been emptied from vessel to vessel neither had gone into captivity and therefore his taste remained in him and his sent was not changed Jer. 48. 11 now finding this given by the Spirit of God as the reason why his sent remained even because he had not been emptied c. I could not but stand and wonder what reason could be given of the corruptions in my heart whom the Lord had not left at ease but had often emptied from vessel to vessel as it were trying alwayes and means with me and yet that I should still savour so much of the earth and of the old man and should still so incline to depend upon an arm of flesh 2 Chron. 32.
the beauty of a Saint is the beam of his love and the lustre and glory of that love is that it springs from his love who loved us first And here he shewed us that in these words we had a loving and beloved disciple of Christ taking a due survey of the fountain of all saving operation to be in God himself and secondly that from the light of that divine love he looks into his own and other beleevers hearts and finds a strange reflection of the divine beam of love from God in his and their loves to God again In the first was shewed the glory of the person loving which is God secondly the manner of his communicating of all saving good it s through love and then the object of this love us and lastly the priority of it he loved us first where was further observed that this is a communicative nature in the goodness of God it is not drawn forth but puts forth it self in love that there is nothing in the creature to procure it neither can any thing in the creature hinder it whiles we were yet enemies he reconciled us by the blood of his cross This love in God is a nature not a passion And all he hath and is and doth to beleevers issues through his love his wisdome power all is communicated through love so that we were taught First that the Saints are the blessed ones of God Secondly they are beloved before they love Thirdly that they that are beloved of him do love him Fourthly that they love him because they are first beloved And by Application of these we are taught First to be like our heavenly Father in love yea in loving where we are not beloved this was a singular thing required of the Saints especially to love mens souls the stream of divine love it runs in the salvation of mens souls it loves to be like God Secondly let no man glory in what he is what hast thou that is not an issue of this love this love makes the difference between thee and others be not high minded but fear Thirdly consider your ingagements to divine love you owe all you have and are and all you shall be to eternity to this love of God Fourthly we were exhorted to look out for as much as love could yeild us love in man sets the whole soule a work to search for some suitable thing that may best please its object so God takes up the best wayes to make the glory of his love shine most clearly towards us and therefore unvailes it in the face of Jesus Christ as also fifthly we were exhorted to walk answerable to this love First humbly it is a free love that is the spring of all we have and are Secondly look into all your wayes to see what fruit this great and glorious seed of love brings forth in you Thirdly be transformed into love that you may be lovely as well as beloved Fourthly as you look into Gods first love so look into your own first love abate not of your love to him for he abates not what he ever was that he will be unto you Fifthly if the Saints are beloved let me take heed of abusing Gods beloved ones his darlings Sixthly walk chearfully you are beloved from above what if the servant frown so the Master love Give God your first love Give God your self in your lives not onely your duties but your selves for God gives you in his love not onely your pardon and gifts and graces but himself Be not jealous of God he loved first Be like God be first in love to the Saints look not for love to your self but be lovely to others Love first and that will draw love God liveth where he loveth he loveth us first then God liveth where he loveth as the creature is said to do if God loveth us then he is said to live within us and that continually and therefore as sure as God liveth there is a reall heaven in the heart of the Saints for as God liveth in heaven so he doth in the heart of his Saints therefore say not who shall go into heaven to see God but if God loves thee and his heart be set on thee there is that lovein thee that shall see Gods love to thee which is a heaven to the heart Is Gods love to you then look for asmuch as Gods love can afford now what will not love afford to a mans wife or children it contenteth them not that they have meat drink apparel but that they have that which is suitable to their relations and condition in this world now all in God issues through his love therefore oh Saints raise your hearts to look for as much as this love can afford so as your hearts may stand and wonder at the height depth and length of the love of God Oh how should your hearts rejoyce ye live not by what you have but on what is in the heart of your Father oh therefore go with open mouths and enlarged hearts to him for if he can find any administration that may most fill and satisfie your hearts look for that because he thought no blood could satisfie you but his Sonnes blood Because he thought no gift like that of his Sonne oh therefore let not your hearts be straightned do not content your selves with little things and say oh if I can but scrabble to heaven I care not but remember in what relation you are set even under the beams of divine love therefore look for as much as this love affordeth you Oh how abundantly did the Lord refresh my spirit from these precious truths thus hinted out to me and still he goes on confirming my soul in the apprehension of his love which doth in some measure cause my soul to turn back with love to him again which the Lord increase The second of March 1653. having appointed a Church-meeting every Wednesday after the lecture at Fulham and it being now to begin and the brethren being put upon it to exercise their gifts the Lord was pleased much to draw out my heart to beg his presence and pouring out of a large measure of his spirit upon the brethren fitting them for this work taking speciall notice of one of them whose spirit did melt before the Lord into tears in the apprehension as I conceive of the weight of the work which I confess took much upon my heart and drew it out very much to seek the Lord on their behalf as also that it might be a blessed opportunity to all our souls The 28 of March how many sweet refreshments did the Lord hand out to my soul which I desire may abide upon my spirit through Mr. Knights ministery at Fulham from 1 Cor. 11. 24. Take eat this is my body that is broken for you this do in remembrance of me from the word take there are seven considerations full of abundant comforts as they were set upon my heart as First here observe
magnifie the name of our prayer-hearing God a God that delighteth in mercy and in the manifestation of it to his poor worthless Creature beseeching him further to increase my faith and help me to act it lively at this present in a plentifull feeding upon the Lord Jesus that so my soul may find abundant strength healing and cleansing to issue from him in whom all my hope and help lyeth The same tenth of this sixth month the second paper that I put up this day was in relation to our communion which I thus expressed One of this despised handful desires that the Lord would be pleased to humble our souls before him that we have been guilty before him of rashness and inconsiderateness together with want of love and tenderness to each other which the Lord make every soul of us deeply sensible of and help us to abound more to his praise in every good word and work that we might never by any of our weaknesses and miscarriages be any occasion to darken his glory to the world In answer to which the Lord was pleased in some measure to draw out the heart of Mr. K. to confesse this iniquity before the Lord with it a sense of and to mourn for one who came in at the first without due trial which I hope not without some ground the Lord hath set it home upon many if not all our spirits with adeepsense of our miscarrage in it The tenth of the sixth moneth were the papers put up also to present to the Lord by Mr. Knight at a day of fast thus One desires your earnest prayers before the Lord and to spread the sad condition of one in near relation to her that conceiveth himself in a happy condition when there are grounds enough to fear the contrary she desires you together with her to beseech the Lord to discover it to him that so he may have no rest in his soul till he be brought home and built upon the Lord Jesus Christ that onely foundation The same tenth of this sixth Month 1653. one who was compassed with such a body of death and corruption under which the party sadly mourns polluting all that ever she puts her hand unto therefore she desires your earnest prayers to the Lord that he would come and dwel in her soul and be as a refiners fire and as fuller Sope to cleanse her and to burn up whatsoever is contrary to himself or any way darkens his glory The 13 of the sixth moneth The Lord drew out my heart exceedingly to beg an increase of faith even beyond sight sense that though I could not see corruption dead yet that I might beleeve that it should be so in Gods time as also to beg for our sister Harris her Mother and that the Lord would please to cure her of the fear of death who had been subject to this bondage and help her to commit her soul to him as a faithful creatour and an everlasting loving tender-hearted Father The fifteenth day of the sixth moneth was discovered to me that I had often thought that if I had but assurance of the love of God then nothing could trouble me but I should be swallowed up with joy and even overcome with it but Oh my soul hath it been thus with thee since the Lord appeared abundantly in way of refreshment to thee or rather quite contrary since thou hast been set free from from the fear of hell and wrath oh how sad to think that ever thou shouldest live to rebel against such a God a Father of so much mercy About the end of the seventh moneth the Lord being pleased to lay some light affliction upon my poor body thereby drawing out my heart after this manner to him Blessed Lord what might thy ends be in thy fatherly chastisements oh that thou wouldst discover it and rather let this affliction abide continue yea be increased and augmented what thou wilt rather then that the corruption should not be discovered and purged out which requests were still continued Then was the Lord pleased in some measure in answer hereunto to discover those things following to me which I know not but that he might much aim at as might not the Lord have some respect to thy want of pity and compassion to one in misery Might not the Lord lay his hand upon thee though not in that kind nay were he not righteous if he should lay the same stroke hast not thou deserved it as wel as she might not the Lord do it to call thee home and quicken thee from thy sloth deadness dulness and the estrangement of heart that was so fast a growing between thy soul and the Lord O blessed father saith my soul let my corruptions be wrought out and thy poor creature quickned Was not thy heart and affections exceedingly running out from the Lord to the creature oh blened be that stroke that cals thee back so that this work were but done by it The third day of the eighth moneth being much oppressed in spirit with the thoughts of the dishonour that would come to God and scandal to the Gospel by the sad falling of one of our brethren and the fear that is upon my heart touching him The Lord was pleased to draw out my heart this evening to beg of him to discover to our souls in generall and to my soul in particular what his ends were in gathering this poor handful together telling him I hope he did not do it to make us the instruments of his dishonour to the world and withall I was put upon it I verily beleeve by the spirit of the Lord in that same day to reflect back upon my own soul what my ends were injoyning in that communion and as I was pressing the Lord to shew me why or to what end he had directed me to joyn in that societie telling him withal that surely my desires were to attend upon direction in it and that if any other thing what ever did byasse my spirit in the act that the Lord would please to discover it to me whereupon I begged of the Lord that he would help me to examine my heart about it and that if I were byassed by any wrong respect that the Lord would convince me of it and humble my soul deeply for it and pardon it in Christs blood now O my soul deal impartially in this work of examination in this thing and spread it before him This Letter was given to Master Knight what to seek the Lord about upon the ninth of this Moneth 1653. Dear Sir SAthan having often beset my soul to endeavour to keep it from a present participating in this holy ordinance upon several pretences and having again now attempted it I durst no longer keep his counsell but in the imparting of it I crave that help of your prayers at the throne of Grace that the Lord would be pleased to disappoint him in all his vices that wherein he seeketh to do me hurt
nature But yet notwithstanding my heart was somwhat I thought affected with those desires before the Lord yet oh with what sadness I may speak it how soon were they out of mind even before I got to Tulham in so much that I quite forgot my own desires and not at all looking after any answer of them but how did the Lord raise and rouse up my dead heart even upon the nameing of the psalm that was called to be sung in the morning which was the 145. psalm which at the first nameing of my heart leaped as it were thinking what shal we sing that psalm Mr Knights text is in though for the present I mistook for his text is in the 45 psalm but this was the 145. psalm the two last staves which as soon as wee began to sing my heart was exceedingly altered with it in which I found many suteable expressions to my former desires even in the very words which did as it were raise my heart in a kind of contented expectation of a glorius appearance of God that day as a returne of prayer which methoughts the Lord did even then give to me by hinting this scripture so put to my condition and desires and how gloriously did the Lord appear the 27. of this 6. month through his servant Mr Knight in both parts of the day whom he was pleased to come in even beyond his owne expectation as he acknowledged to me in discourse the next day telling me that he did only intend to handle in general the 3 things concerning Christ as his svveetness fitness faithfulness but when he came to speak to them the Lord was pleased so greatly to inlarge the thoughts of it upon his heart and made it so svveet unto him that he could not but declare vvhat the Lord gave in unto him and truly not only vvas it svveet to him but as fit and seasonabe to my poore soul as any thing that could have been spoken the Lord give me but a heart to make improvement of it so as may be to his praise and eternal good of my poore soul The 7 day of the Month hovv abundantly vvas the Lord pleased to bovv dovvn to this rebellious wretch who hath great cause to fear that my heart was set more to seek see a poor vain creature to meet w th them then to see or meet the Lord yet that the Lord should even now bow down and give forth gratious visites to my soul through many sensible convictions hinted to my heart this day both through his word and through his other administrations this day going early enough to heare the morning sermon though I much fear whether it were so much out of pure love to it as out of self-ends yet what sensible convictions did there from the Lord fall upon my hart from these instructions M. Blond hinted out to us from the expression of David I kept my self from mine iniquity where hee shewed us that it was our great duty to watch cheifly against our own particular sinns shewing us how wee might know them hinting also that it was Probable that this sinne of David vvas tongue-sin from vvhich hovv secretly did the Lord check my poor soul aftervvards Mr Nie spake from psalm the 50. 26 this thou didst and I kept silence vvhere hee shevved that by silence vvas meant a refraining from motion or action vvhence he observed that vvords and actions are all one vvith God it vvas as easy vvith God to do as to speak it vvas but for him to speak and the vvork vvas done yea it is as easy for God to do as for us to speak and begg of him and much more and vvhat a mighty incouragement is this to thy faith O my soul vvhich vvas the improvement he made of it by application and also hinted more that as all Gods vvords are actions and so pardoning actions and administrations are as so many vvords and oh of vvhat use is this to my soul vvhat things hath God spoken to my soul from and by his various administrations to thee for these many years hovv hath the Lord by his providence often as it were convinced thee and yet thy base heart will not leave to goe on to tempt the Lord though he hath so evidently appeared in crossing thee and this day was a sign of it that thou wouldest put on thy best cloathes in that pride and vanity of thy heart thou know'st didst thou not by a strange providence as it were get a spot in thy coat to check thee and did not the Lord by it shew thee thy pride vanity and folly but Oh how gratious is the Lord that he will please to shew thee this in so mild and gentle a way The 10. of this 7 month being the Lords day I sought the Lord in the morning but in a formall way that he would please to appear to me that day through his servant as also to give in a gratious answer to these desires that Mr. Knight put up to him the last day namely to unvail the grace of our Lord Jesus to him that he might so taste and feel it as might inable him to declare it to his praise which I did now also beg of the Lord and that though I was altogether unworthy of this mercy or of any more appearance from the Lord which have made so little improvement of so many gratious favours yet that he would please to overcome my rebellion and unfruitfulness with his love and at the last over-power my soul anâ— bring it to a more full subjection to him-selfe and that which I desire now to record to the Praise of the Lord is before him and that yet the Lord was pleased most particulary to unvaile the Lord Jesus Christ in the riches of his grace the Lord help thee O my soul to improve all those wondefull appearances of his praise and glory The 13. of this 7 Month appointed by this new Parliament for a day of humiliation and seeking the Lord I sought the Lord in the morning that he would please to put my heart into some measure of suteableness to that business and to make mee really sensible of all my rebellions unfruitfulness and unthankfulness to him for all his glorious appearances and that he would poure out his spirit upon his servants that were to be his and our mouthes this day as also begging the Lord to let some hints from himselfe fall with power upon my heart this day and there abide And blessed God how gratiously wert thou pleased to appeare and with what sensible and suteable truths pressing my soul to get into Christ and dwel there then which there is no truth more needfull to be pressed upon my vvretched heart being so miserably shattered about and upon other things and my affections so sadly divided that in truth I doe not dwell in the Lord Jesus Christ as I ought which the Lord vvas pleased in great mercy to my soul to
A Wise Virgins Lamp Burning OR Gods sweet incomes of LOVE to a gracious soul waiting for him BEING The EXPERIENCES of Mrs. ANNE VENN Daughter to Col. John Venn Member of the Church of Christ at Fulham written by her own hand and found in her Closet after her death Wherein is declared her exceeding frequent Addresses to the Throne of Grace and how speedily answered Written for the comfort of such as mourn in Sion and quickning of Saints by her blessed Example Psal 30.5 VVeeping may endure for a night but joy cometh in the morning Psal 66.16 Come and hear all ye that fear God I will declare what he hath done for my soul Psal 85.8 I will hear what God the Lord will say for he will speak Peace to his people Lam. 3.25 The Lord is good to them that wait for him to the soul that seeketh him LONDON Printed for E. Cole and are to be sold at the signe of the Printing-Press in Cornhil 1658. Christian Reader HEre mayest thou see the free frequent familiar intercourse betwixt the Lord a godly soul her continual Addresses to him and his gracious Returnes to her doubtless she was one that as it is said of Caleb followed God fully and lay as much in the besome of Christ as any that I have heard of a rare pattern in these cold declining times wherein so many either turn aside from the truth or else lose their first Love but her pious soul in an eminent manner kept Truth and Zeal warm her in heart even till she enjoyed full communion with her beloved in Heaven As she began to seek after God betimes about the age of nine years so she continued with her loins girt her Lamp burning and her Light shining more and more till the perfect day The tenderness of God the malice of Satan her patience in waiting on God for certain years t gether in her first conversion were remarkable The closeness of her spirit not opening her condition to such as might have relieved her her seeking to heal her self by duties and holy walking for a long time kept down her soul from looking up to the free Grace in Christ till she was even tyred out as Noahs Dove by fluttering upon the unsteady waters but then the Lord Jesus put forth his hand and took her weary soul into the Ark of his rest giving her such a clear sight of himself that now having with the Spouse found her beloved she took him and caught him and held him and would not let him go oft saying with the Spouse Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth for his love is better then Wine being able from that time to sing the sweet Song of Simeon longing to be at home with her Jesus Oh the peace and or Oh the blessed revivings and quicknings Oh the prayer praises and admirings her precious soul was filled withall from that day forward though now aâ—d then some secret withdrawings to the last moment of her life Her conversation was in heaven she walked with God her heart loosned from this world as this Treatise fully speaks so much of her strength spirit affection and time she spent in Closet-meetings with God in reading praying meditation self-examination c. that it was a wonder her poor weak body was able to subsist and doubtless had not God renewed her strength anointing her with fresh oyle it could not have been I marvelled I confess to see so many of her writings found in her Closet as I did God gave her a quick wit a large understanding a considering spirit and looking much into her self taught her to put an high price on ordinances made her very diligent in the use of all means laid her very low in her own eyes with much self-emptiness thus bespoko a la ge room in her heart that he might bestow a great deale of Christ therein and so made her a Vessel capable of a greater measure of Grace then I am perswaded many others though truly godly attain on this side heaven So exceeding tender was her heart in point of sin that she would often and deeply judge her self as this Treatise abundantly shews for pride passion inordinate love to the creature neglect of duty to her relations c. whereas those that daylie conversed with her being of discerning spirits could see no such appearances but the contrary frame of spirit eminently shining out in her she was so afraid of pride that she dared not wear such Jewels apparel as she had by her for feâ—r her heart should be drawn from God thereby and so fearful of vain glory that though she had this Treatise of the incomes of God lying by her yet not any no not her dear Parents ever knew thereof till they found it in her Closet after her death her sel leaving this as the reason lest her wretched heart should be lifted up and others should think better of her then was meet She was such an high prizer of Ordinances that she forgetting the weakness of her own body the length of the way many other obstructons would frequently break through all to enjoy them and when she was to hear she first was ful of prayer to God to meet her therein and make out some discoveries to her soul which the Lord usually did and she straightly observing Gods incomes returned with praise her deep acknowledgements of the same No small importunities of very many godly that knew her have forced the publishing of this Treatise and others of long standing in Christ and eminent Grace who have seen some of it in Manuscripts have freely confessed they never looked into it but were much humbled to soe how short themselves come in such heart-searchings self-judgings close-walkings with God and such observings of the answer of their prayers as they read in this her daylie practice I hope it may be useful in these declining times to convince some Christians of their slackness and awaken others and shew them how to make more heart-work by the example of one of the weak Sex and if to thy knowledge it should not adde much yet to thy spirit and practice it may conduce not a little Thine in our dearest Lord and Head THO. WELD To all that love the appearance of the Lord Jesus Grace and Peace BEing called upon by the earnest importunity of many gracious souls to give forth my testimony of this blessed servant of Christ Mr Anne Venn and having had many yeers converse about the great matters of eternal life with her and injoying her society for some yeers in the holy fellowship of the gospel I could not but present to the Saints the sweet savour of her holy walking in which she was a lively example to all that knew her The Lord first brake in upon her heart by the frequent impressions of the Word as they were instilled into her by her honour'd father whose practice was to re-inforce the Truths publikely preached
that his soul abhorred and lying under the apprehension of my self as one cast off by God whom he never regards having poured out my soul before him and begged a soft heart and a renewed and changed nature urging him often with that similitude of a child coming to his father to begg bread Mat. 7. 9 10 11. or rather in my apprehension finding my heart grow more hard and my affections more cold and luke-warm I lay under another temptation from Sathan that sure I was but an hypocrite in all that I did and therefore should but heap up wrath against my self as in Job 36. 13. and this was set home upon my spirit upon several grounds as 1. Because as he told me I did not so much aim at the glory of God as at that happy estate which is to be enjoyed in heaven 2. Because I could not find my love working so strongly towards God as towards my self desiring to be freed from the torments of hell which I conceived to be intolerable as also 3. Finding sometimes a kind of secret desire that some body might hear or know of my performances of duties c. Though I never durst act in any measure so as that it might be discerned but alwayes strove to my utmost ability to conceal what ever possibly I might yet finding sometimes some such desires of vain glory in my spirit that though I did do it thus privately yet if it could have been known and not by my means I thought I could be content and this also lay as an heavy weight upon my spirit to think that there should such wicked vain and sinful thoughts and desires be suggested to me or for anytime though never so smal lodge within me Jer. 4. 14. Which when I began to consider sadly of did but still renew and increase my troubles and feares being a discovery of the hypocrisy that was in my heart And for the most part of this my trouble I lay under such a sense of the wrath of God that I thought that all I had and enjoyed was cursed to me often admiring that every bit of bread I eat did not choak me or every creature did not put an end to my life often fearing that the company I was in should fare the worse for me in so much that if I went by water or the like I still conceived I might be an occasion of drowning all those that were with me Oh! how desirous was my soul at this time of the help and counsel of my Godly wise friends and Christians but through many and sundry temptations still deprived my self of it and of the benefit I might have gained by it through my wicked silence in all companies and loathness to impart my condition to any Sometimes my wicked corrupt heart would basely suggest to me that I was not able to discourse or speak of any spiritual thing and therefore I should but only thereby discover my own ignorance and no wayes advantage my self c. Which when I was inabled still to consider better of recollecting my thoughts and calling them into question as it were then cometh the Divell and tells me that this did but note my hypocrisy and farther when I have been troubled with it to think that I should give way to such wicked thoughts as these then comes in Sathan again on the other side and tells me that if I should put my self forward in any discourse I should but thereby cause others to have a better opinion of me than indeed I deserved and so deceive others and delude my own soul and this latter temptation was that which indeed did oftenest prevail with me being ever most of all prone to fear the delusions of my own heart and so esteeming my condition to be better than it is This going on in this way of wicked silence made many of my Christian friends I do really beleeve not know what to think of me but were as it were estranged from me which I soon perceiving it was a most heavy affliction to me such as the searcher of hearts knows lay very sadly upon my spirit which yet I could not in any measure make known to them but between God and my own soul condoled this my miserable condition then being to remove out of London which was an exceeding trouble to me to consider how we should by it be deprived of those means which we there might enjoy although indeed neither my Father Mother or my self could enjoy our healths there And removing into the Country about the year 1647. I found the ministery under which I then was exceeding dead and spiritless then when I came home me thought I knew as much and no more to my edification in that condition I was in than I did when I went the subject which was then and for a long time together treated on was that Scripture Gen. 2. 7. The Lord breathed into man the breath of life and man became a living soul The main scope of the minister being to shew what the natural soul was that God had put into man handling it as I conceiv'd more like a Philosopher than a Gospel-preacher which notional things were not those which could satisfie my soul which wanted now some support from heaven in this sad drooping condition I was in but meeting with nothing suitable to my present estate and being here cast in a place where I was deprived of all other means I grew still into a more sad condition every day Then did I lye under a very sad and strange temptation to neglect the ordinance of preaching which was grounded upon the pretence that I might improve my time at home to my more spiritual advantage which temptation I often yeilded to and when I had any opportunity or seeming excuse by reason of any smal bodily distemper either the head-ach or the like I still took those occasions to stay at home and so yeilded to the temptation and thus I did often But when I came still at night to a review of what I had done and how I had spent my time in each of these dayes as also what I had gained I found it to be so little through one temptation or other that I now began to conceive and fear that it was only a temptation of the Divell to bring me out of love with the ordinances of God whereupon the Lord also inabled me to begin to take a view of my own heart indeavouring to perswade my self that the fault was only in me and that surely I was some way or other prâ—judiced against the man or his preaching not looking as I ought to the power of God which was able to bless that means to me that he had now cast me under contrary to my desires and that it was therefore just with God to let it be to me according to my unbeleef Whereupon I began again to examine my own heart whether or no I had any kind of prejudice against the man which
the Lord would be pleased to pardon all the unbeleeving workings of my corrupt heart and those hard thoughts I had had of God and that he would please to give in such clear visions of himself as might mightily increase my faith which desires of mine were spread before the Lord that day But having received at this time some little refreshings from those instructions the Lord was pleased then to communicate by Mr. Knight from Heb. 12. 5-13 From which Scripture I was also convinced that in most of the chastisements the Lord had seen meet to lay me under I had either despised his chastisements or else fainted under them the Lord I say having this day broke in thus upon my heart by his spirit through his word the Divell soon begins again with me taking this opportunity I having set my self and endeavoured to lay my heart to the word and see what comfortable grounds I could take up that the Lord had indeed afflicted me in mercy c. The Divell now begins to indeavour to puffe up my spirit with a conceipt that I was able to speak more in this kind than many others who were at that time also by him presented but through mercy this did not passe many days before the Lord sadly shewed me my folly and weakness herein for a little while after there was an other day kept to which meeting I went and truely after I came there the Lord set home these wicked thoughts together with severall other things which wrought so upon my spirit that my heart was even overwhelmed within me in so much that I could not keep it to my self but was constrained to discover it by my carriage which Mr. Knight taking notice of spake to me after the exercise at which time I was so farre from that ability that Sathan possessed me with thoughts of that I was not able in any measure to speak my heart to him but was as it were one whom the Lord had given up to a dumb spirit and thought those three words which was all that I could then speak were through a meer mistake sadly mis-construed by him yet had I not power to speak one word to clear my meaning supposing it might possibly be that the Lord had something to speak to me even through that mistake there was also this day a word set home very much on my heart from something Mr. Milborn noted to us which also added much to my sadness and it was this that I had prayed and prayed again and again but when I had done I never looked after the returns of them having never yet any experience made out to me that I durst acknowledge this or that to be a return of my prayer nay though the Lord had given in a mercy that I had begged of him I was still for many years tempted to beleeve that it had been so though I had not prayed and so it was not given in as an answer to prayer which did much eat out the sweetness of those mercies which I did enjoy in so much that me thinks I do now even stand and admire what it was that did at that time support my spirit carry me on in a continued seeking of God being not able then to record an answer of prayer at all that I can bring to mind However the Lord had been pleased before this time to give me many gracious answers to my poor desires yet were mine eyes withheld from seeing them to be so and taking the comfort thereof untill a long after yea sometimes some years after some of them were given in which yet afterwards the Lord was pleased to make out unto me even before the writing hereof But after all this the Lord by the acts of his providence seemed much to crosse these hopes and desires of his people in joyning in fellowship together which when I heard of it was a great trouble to me who greatly desired the accomplishment of it sometimes thinking that it might be even for my sake alone that the Lord had done it Other times being tempted to think that if it had been the Lords acting to work up my spirit to that pitch that I thought I found it wrought up unto then he would also have gone on to have perfected my desires but being again inabled on the other side to reason thus with my self that it is my duty to wait patiently upon the Lord and submit to him as well for the time as for the matter I indeavoured the Lord assisting me to quiet my spirit with such thoughts as these that the Lord might delay it in much mercy that so I might be the more fit for it when he shall please to accomplish it apprehending that surely he saw me not yet fit for such a mercy then did I again turn to the Lord and thus desire to submit to him begging of him to fit me for such a mercy and if he saw it good to afford me the mercy here if not that he would direct me where to joyn that might be more for his glory and my soules good Thus was the Lord pleased to go on well nigh a quarter of a year still coming in with more light and discoveries of his love to my soul and clearing up to me more and more that work which he had begun through his rich and free grace in my Lord Jesus in whom I did now desire only and alone to be found and not in any of my own righteousnesses who had now inabled me to see to be very lothsome and abominable though formerly I had too much doted upon them Then in the third moneth in the year 1652. Mr. Knight being gone into the North the Lord was pleased by a meer providence as I desire to look upon it not knowing as yet but that I may also say as a return of many of my former poor desires to send Mr. Rogers to the meeting at Mr. Knights house having preached one Lords day before at the Chappel at Hammersmith which occasioned very strong and earnest desires in me to hear him again which now I did the Lord directing him this time to speak unto us concerning Church discipline which I was yet very dark in which the Lord inabled him to give me very much and great satisfaction which otherwise I have cause to fear I might more inconsiderately have rushed upon Thus was the Lord pleased I hope in answer to my poor desires yet farther to clear up this way of his to me proving it clearly to be the way of the Gospel and that which every one ought to be fully satisfied in before they enter upon This being now more cleared unto me my desires and longings after the enjoyment of God in this Sion grew more strong and earnest I continually mentioning it before the Lord. After this really I cannot tell but that I should rob the Lord of his glory in this particular if I should not also acknowledg him further by my poor
to which I had a great desire to go which accordingly I did though with some outward inconveniences and bodily danger desiring of the Lord that as he had begun in some good measure to shine in upon my heart this week so that he would please to make this blessed opportunity letting my soul have a sight of himself through that word that should be held out to me Thus waiting and depending upon the Lord for his appearance through this instrument of his I went to London at which time Mr. Simpson contrary to the expectation of most of his hearers and as I was told to his own intentions the week before had his eye and meditation turned and fixed upon that grand promise in Gen. 3. 15. which I do not know but that I may look upon as a special providence in which the Lord might aim even at the establishment of my poor and unsetled spirit which but the week before was exceedingly cast down the Lord having as I conceived much disappointed my expectation even of his own appearance In the entrance upon which Scripture and opening of it he shewed us that these words in Gen. 3. were spoken and denounced as a severe threatning to the Divel and not at all spoken either to the man or to the woman yet did they contein in them a most blessed promise yea all the promises which the Lord left both for Adam and Eve to lay hold upon from the consideration of which he took occasion to provoke us to lay hold upon all the hints of God and to let none of them slip in any dispensation of his to us yea to take notice of every word of promise or comfort that God holds out though in the midst of severe threatning as this here was in the further prosecution of which he put us upon such thoughts as these that that soul which is indeed made to hunger and thirst after Jesus Christ would be ready to snatch catch at the least crum of mercy yea were the soul indeed found of Christ it would be ready to beleeve upon very smal grounds there was also at this time that Scripture cited by him which we find recorded in Esai 50. at the beginning where the Lord as he shewed us seemeth to be very angry with that people who though they had played the harlot and therefore deserved justly to be put away yet was the Lord wrath with them because they said he had put them away when as yet he had not and therefore demanded of them where their bill of divorce was which together with several other precious truths then hinted to us took very much on my heart and greatly refreshed it even upon after reviews also but to all this the Lord was pleased to add one blessed opportunity more that week wherein he speak abundantly and I hope effectually to my heart by that servant of his Mr. Knight at that lecture at the Chappel at Fulham the very next morning being the fourth day of the week sending his servant as it were on purpose to speak to me in particular and to open unfold and expound all those gracious visits of Christ to my poor soul when it sate even in the valley and shadow of death shut up as it were in darkness and in an estate of nature shewing me how the Lord even then came in with light and life to me as also when I was under dark afflictions and sad apprehensions of the wrath of God from whence I conceived them to proceed in which estate also was the Lord pleased sweetly to visit my soul as also when I lay under darkness of unbeleese being full of doubts and fears and jealousies of God c. at this season and from this Scripture Luk. 1. 78 79 was the Lord pleased to unfold my soul that which I never had such a sight of how he had indeed visited my soul in all these estates as also what the issues of these his visitations were how he came in with light and life in all these conditions which the Lord now being pleased to open my eyes to see my soul was even swallowed up in the apprehension of it not knowing how to blesse and praise his name sufficiently for these his appearances Thus did the Lord follow on with one mercy and discovery upon the neck of another which all depended upon and as it were opened one another for this last day did the Lord discover in particular to my soul what those hints and gracious visitations on my soul wherein all these conditions which the day before he taught me I was to take such special notice of in the remaining part part also of the week was the Lord pleased to go on to settle and farther open these truths and give me to see his mighty hand and outstretched arm all along in it The next Lords day being the ninth of this eleventh moneth 1652. the Lord was pleased also to come in through that ministery he hath placed us under at Fulham with a seasonable word to back all this which was spoken by our Pastor Mr. Knight from Heb. 2. 2. that the words of God they are stedfast words abiding words words that shall certainly abide and be accomplished in their season Thus in these eight days now last past hath the Lord through and by his word and spirit been pleased to give into my soul a discovery of his gracious visitations of me for 〈◊〉 many years past And truly I think I should much rob the Lord of his Glory if I should not acknowledg him a God hearing prayer who was pleased even at this time in my apprehension so eminently to appear that I was constrained in spirit to acknowledg it and did and do desire that he may have the glory of it The Lord having of late thus begun to manifest his loving kindness to my soul there was at this time from Rom. 13. 11. this truth set home mightily upon my heart that this time of Gods appearance in way of love and mercy c. was the only blessed time in the world to that soul to whom he thus appears and a time which should of all times in the world be taken special notice of and carefully improved from whence I had further many seasonable instructions as That I should walk in the sight of Gods countenance while I enjoy it yea And work in it whiles I had it before or lest darkness come Joh. 12. 35 36. Joh. 9. 4. yea to do good in this time and opportunity whiles God thus shines upon the heart Gal. 6. 10. yea and to improve it to this end to lay up in store a good foundation for time to come even as men do in their tradings in the matters of this world 1 Tim. 6. 17 18 19. yea to redeem this time Ephes 5. 16. to think nothing too much to buy it out of the hands of hucksters out of the hands of all other businesses what ever in this world And
Christs heart and see with what bowels of affection he speaketh how freely himself offers the riches of mercy take why what or whom should we take but himself possess himself thus he standeth calling and crying take me love me receive me eat me drink me let me be yours oh high love he doth not bid the soul take wrath vengeance death or hell but take me Secondly his commands are more to pleasure you then himself why should we take Christ why this is my body that was broken for you my blood that was shed for you take me for your own sakes for you need me to refresh your hearts therefore take me not that I shall be the better by it but that you may have more pleasure and delight in me that may do you all good oh high love Thirdly observe Christ sees our need better then our selves there are bowels of compassion in him what for a man that enjoyeth much to look out for them that want much yet so it is here you have not the disciples crying oh Christ give us thy self and blood but here is a Christ who having it and knowing that we stand in need of it offers it freely take oh admirable love Fourthly observe he is not content till you be fully supplyed he setteth no bounds but take and eat as much as your hearts will hold take what who le me all of me my spirit blood mediation with the Father all my righteousness take all he stinteth no man but opens wide the treasure of his grace Fifthly observe hence Christ is well acquainted with the fears of his Saints hearts therefore saith he take imploing as if the trembling heart would say O Lord I dare not these things are too great and good I know thy fears saith Christ but I lay a law on thee that wil make thee give over all for this law comes with power take and eat he bids you take and that on pain of disobedience to Christ when Sathan and sinne and corruption say eat not then remember what Christ your Lord saith take and eat and hearken not unto the voyce of of a stranger if any say eat not Christ sayes eat though the fears are great and the tremblings many that are on a gracious heart yet still Christ biddeth them take and eat Sixthly Christ knew the Saints would tremble on the point of unworthiness therefore he saith take eat why what is it but my body that is broken for you will you throw away that which is for you but you are unworthy why this is that which maketh you worthy because this is that out of which issues out all righteousness to you and though they may cry out they were unfit he commands them to remember how fit Christ is for them for whom is bread fit but for them that are weak and need nourishment for whom is that wine but him that is of a sorrowful heart for whom is that act of Christ but for that soul that cries Lord I am unworthy thou shouldest come under my roofe Seventhly he saith take which is a giving a man a propriety and possession of himself and this is that indeed this ordinance gives forth when a man so taketh Christ as that Christ is his take eat this is my body that is broken for you shewing that the Saints ought in the communication of this divine mystery to take Christ wholly by this to claim propriety because nothing can be more ours then a thing that is given us and we sinne against him if we take him not O therefore take him as your own He saith not onely take but eat you take in order to eating so that your acceptation of Christ is that you might be satisfied with Christ and filled for he is not onely to gaze on as the brasen Serpent was but to feed on as the manna was therefore saith Christ take and eat rendring himself in the most easie way of administration nothing under heaven a man is more easily drawn to then to eat a hungry man need not be much perswaded to eat yet behold here First That you had need to be intreated to eat and feed on Christ else what need this word but to note that the Saints were apt to stand still when they should be feeding on Christ therefore saith he take and eat Secondly This is of all other the most easie way of partaking being a natural act for that a man eateth putteth him to no pain yea the pain within is supplyed the hunger satisfied Thirdly He setteth no bounds but take and eat it is a command that lyeth on us for the supply of wants and the cheering of our hearts for so farre we may eat and no further Christ bids you take what you need implying 1. That there is enough in Christ for any Saint to eat else it would not become Christ to bid them but he saith take and eat implying that no Saint can say Lord I have a desire to eat but here is not enough they cannot say I have sinnes and guilt but can find no pardon no Christ bids you eat implying there is enough to feed on 2. He setteth you no time neither but eat as long as you live yea untill his coming again O how abundantly did those hints take upon my heart and even swallow up my soul in the admiration of that love the Lord grant it may abide upon my spirit for ever March the 30 the Lord was pleased in some measure to give in an answer to that desire put up March 25. for the pouring out of his spirit upon the brethren through whom the Lord was pleased to appear lively in my apprehension and in a spiritual manner in him whose spirit seemed to melt under the thoughts of the weight of that exercise March the 30 the Lord was pleased exceedingly to draw out my heart in the behalfe of my Mother whom I apprehended to ly under some sadness in respect of the want of the clear sight of her interest in God beseeching him that he would be pleased to wean her more from the world and all things here below and that he would be pleased to manifest himself to her and let down the light of his countenance upon her and shew her his face and not his back that as he had been pleased to shine upon my poor heart and the hearts of others of his Saints through prayer so that he would also be pleased at this time to let this request come up in remembrance before him and give in a gracious answer to it as also that he would be pleased to pour out his spirit upon her and let it be a spirit of grace and supplication in the sense of the want of which her spirit groaned for before him as also under the sight of her unprofitableness under all ordinances beseeching him that as it was he and he alone that causeth his people to profit so that he would please to give out to this his
to enable him to make out yet more clearly that work that he had wrought in his soul if indeed there were any or else give us such a discerning spirit as might teach us what to do in it that if it were his will there might no soul come in among us that might any way darken his glory but that those that were received might be such as himself by his spirit should receive nor none be detained but such as himself should by his spirit through his poor servants detain as also begging of the Lord and that with much earnestness that if there were no real work of his upon his heart that he would be pleased to find out some way or other in his wisdome to keep him off April 24. 1653. was the Lord pleased graciously to convince me yet further of my sinneful passion and aptness to be angry either without a cause or upon a light ground and so to dishonour the Lord which conviction was set home from Mr. Knights expression of Mat. 5. 22. I say if you be angry with your Brother without a cause you shall be in danger of judgement and whosoever sayes to his Brother Racha which word expressed their contemning of their Brethren that is to have contemptible thoughts of them this is a greater evil for this is in danger of the Councel but whosoever shall say thou fool that is one that hath no understanding but is even as a beast this is in Christs judgement an hainous sinne for saith he he shall be in danger of hell fire From all which the Lord was pleased to set it home upon my heart that I had been exceeding guilty even to this day in a great measure of those evils which conviction I desire may abide upon my heart to make me through the strength of Christ more watchfull over my own heart in this respect then ever I have been There is one conviction more this day set upon my heart from these words if thou remember thy Brother hath ought against thee he doth not say if thou hast ought against him but if he hath ought against thee do thou seek reconciliation yea leave not till it be wrought out from which the Lord not onely convinced me of this my duty and told me I should not suffer any prejudice to lie in my heart against any but also much comforted my heart under the sight of this as that which through grace I found the Lord had really wrought in my heart and enabled me daily to practise The same day the Lord was pleased in the ministery of his word to convince my soul that it is not the performance of duties at set times this is not all required but when the soul is indeed pained under the sense of its want of inlargedness to Christ and the like that it cries out as the infant after the breast is not satisfied with any thing without it but the soul panteth within it self and wanteth some manifestation of Christ and this putteth upon duty from which the Lord was pleased to convince my soul that I had been sadly guilty of the misperformance of duty in this respect many times Which put my soul upon a search into it self whether I were not guilty in this respect after which I found I had been often guilty of the misperformance of duties doing them many times especially heretofore without this strong panting and sense of my want April 27. Oh my soul art thou not able to say through grace before the Lord the searcher of hearts that there was hardly that word came out of thy mouth or that action done by thee in any place or company that passeth by thee without a reveiw judging and condemning thy self for them The beginning of May though I can find little fruit or growth in my soul the sight and sense of the works of God upon my soul are as it were drawn over with a cloud yet even then oh my soul hath not the Lord much refreshed thee by enabling thee in some measure to roul upon that gracious word which hath been at seasonable times brought to thy veiw that in Hos 4. 8. I am as a green firr-tree in me is thy fruit found now this tree is alwayes green Doth not the Lord sometimes disappoint the expectation oh my soul even of the sensible enjoyment of his own presence in a duty or ordinance or society that he might the more sweeten it to thee when he is pleased to appear and the more to draw thee out to seek his appearance and to cry mightily after him O my soul why shouldest thou say thou canst not find love to God when thou dost so frequently and restlesly desire the presence and appearance of God in every ordinance and duty if it be not for his own sake why doth not my soul sit down and rest contented with the ordinances themselves Two papers were given to Mr. Knight to present before the Lord at a private fast at Fulham Chappel in the behalf of the nation May 4 1653. 1 One who continually groanes before the Lord under the sense of the body of death and the continuall issuing of it out in the whole course of their conversation to the dishonour of that God that deserveth for ever even by their souls to be admired and praised being a God that delighteth in mercy and in the manifestation of it to their poor souls notwithstanding all their rebellions against him the desire therefore of their souls is that you who love and feat the Lord would improve your interest in him in their behalf that the Lord would once be pleased to give them more power over all their corruptions that however he sees meet to deal with their bodies though he wounds yet it is he that heals though he layes sickness weakness distempers whatever he please upon them that yet he would please to give them more strength in their inward man to subdue and mortifie their corruptions and resist all the fiery darts of Sathan enabling them to walk with an holy awe and fear of his blessed self in the whole course of their conversations in all their relations and under the dispensations of God to them that so if the Lord please they might never prove by their uneven conversations any blot or blemish to the glorious Gospel of God and their Saviour Jesus Christ the thoughts whereof was if their hearts deceive them not more bitter then death 2 One who earnestly desires that those who fear the Lord would wrestle mightily with him in the behalf of some poor dead dark soul who is nearly related to them that the Lord would once be pleased to speak so effectually to their hearts that they might be caused to stand up on their feet and Jesus Christ might give them life that seeing he hath said the dead shall hear the voyce of the Sonne of God and hearing live that this blessed word might be made good to their soules that so they
even for the full accomplishment of his own promise who hath said sinne shall not have dominion over his that are not under the law but under grace as also that he would tread down Sathan under his peoples feet shortly which my soul desires to wait upon him for and in the mean time desires to blesse his name and that you would blesse him together with me that he was pleased to open any fountaines of love and mercy in this vale of teares so abundantly fulfilling to my poor soul that word of his which he was pleased no sooner to set upon my heart with a perswasion in some measure that it should be made good rouling though weakly upon him for it but that he was pleased so to do indeed that word I found Isai 56. 19. When the enemies shall come in like a flood the spirit of the Lord shall set up a standard against them for which I desire to blesse his name beseeching him that those impressions that he was pleased by his spirit through several words of his to make upon my heart might never be forgotten by me but that they might continually be as supports to my poor weak faith that it may grow from strength to strength even till I shall meet my God blessed for ever be that God that was pleased to know my poor soul in this hour of temptation and to take this poor lame soul and lead and carry it of being not able to go one step in any of his wayes without his hand but that it getteth one knock or bruise or other yea blessed for ever be that God and Saviour that will not suffer his poor creature to slip as he doth others but was pleased in rich mercy to be ever awakening my poor drowsy spirit by one affliction or another the thoughts of which do much refresh my spirit and seemeth at present a special token of his love for which I desire to blesse him and oh that I could praise the name of that God and Father who is the Father of all mercy and God of all consolation for truely I must needs say I am perswaded Sathan had not now been let loose to buffet me thus had I not been so sleepy and drowsy in spirit but blessed be that rod that awakned my poor soul from the sleep of any sinne so that the Lord will but please to work it out which I desire to wait on God for I should for some respect have forborn this duty of praise but that the Lord hath let in the clear sight of this mercy as also lest I should prove ungrateful for so large manifestation of mercy though all I can do in it is a meer nothing the greater is the goodness of God that bowes down to accept such broken praises which I have cause even to lament over having too little spiritual life in them when as in truth my whole soul and body should be a holy and lively sacrifice to God which the Lord inable me to do to that God whence all my enjoyments come in whom I desire to rest your unworthy but in desire and hope real friend for my Lords sake FINIS THE SECOND BOOK OF Manifold Experiments Of Gods dealing with my Soul in hearing Prayers and other gracious incomes of Love THe Lord was pleased to help me very much in this search by Mr. Knight who spake from this Scripture at Fulham the ninth of this ninth Moneth In the 12 of Luke 42 43. from which he shewed We have the Lord setting out the blessednesse of that servant that is faithful in the work that his Lord intrusteth him about and whom his Lord when he comes findeth to be so doing as he appointed Now O my soul what comfortable hopes canst thou gather out from the serious examination of thy own heart upon this point that the Lord hath made thee faithful though thou art poor weak and unworthy every way to be the servant of such a Lord what canst thou say to this hath the Lord indeed made thee faithful Ans 1. I gather some hopes of it that the Lord hath made me in some measure faithful from that sincerity that the Lord hath put into my heart to aim purely at his glory in all I do in this world the contrary to which causeth much bitterness in my spirit yet through the prevalency of the unregenerate part in me I am many times byassed and carried aside to aim at other things in many of my wayes but the glory of my Lord is my principal aim For if I know any thing of my own heart through mercy I do find it set to seek the honour of Christ and to walk in wayes well pleasing to him though I do too often sadly wander from these intents and desires which was discovered to be the real burthen of my life 2. In that the Lord hath been pleased to put into my soul I hope a real desire te do his whole will and therein to appear faithful daily desiring and begging of him that I might not at any time in any command of his be found consulting with flesh and blood but that as soon as ever he discovereth his wils in any thing whatever to me that he would also inable me to obey it readily Finding the Spirit of the Lord I hope oftentimes breathing in my soul after this manner Lord if thou wilt but discover thy minde will to me in all my wayes that is it I beg of thee and though it be never so contrary to flesh and blood yea though I can see nothing but that it is laid out for to afflict me and to be a trial and exercise for me and so have nothing to induce me but thy will yet Lord if thou wilt but discover thy minde in it to me what would I then beg of thee but onely a ready frame to yield obedience to thy will and leave the success sanctifying of it to me to thy self and if on the other side I think any mercy to be never so good or for my advantage yet if thou seest meet to discover to my soul that thy will is not in it would I not then if I know my own heart beg above all things to have my will to be wholly swallowed up into thine Lord And this hope is grounded in some measure upon the abundant experience the Lord hath given me of his goodness and mercy and abundant kindness in his often denying me of my will 3 I hope the Lord hath in some measure made me a faithful Servant in that he hath set my soul upon the watch to know his minde and will indeavouring and desiring to keep my eye upon him and him only that I might see what his minde and will is who hath said that he will guide his by his eye which causeth my soul though with much weaknesse not onely earnestly to desire but also to indeavour to reflect upon all my motions and actions and thoughts and words in this
so much that I offend any Relation as that I grieve the spirit of God in all my actions and in all my Relations in this world I hope that my soul is in the first place set to serve my Lord in the duties to them as that which he requires and my be for his honor if done rightly and though I do often transgress the commands of my Lord Jesus yet I trust I do not make it my work but it my daylie burthen 2. My desires and daylie grones before the Lord are that I might be wholly devoted and given up to Jesus in my whole inward and outward man and I would that all my poor parts and strength and time yea all my inward and outward Talents should be improved in his service wholly how often doth my soul breath before the Lord after this manner Oh Father is it not long enough yea too too long that I have been too too much at Satans beck and the worlds yea and mine own Oh that it might be thus no longer and that I might no longer live to my self or seek or please my self in any thing but that my whole soul may be set to please my Lord Jesus is it not my daylie burthen that I have too too much sought and served my self both in natural and spiritual things that I have had too many self-ends and designes which the Lord crucifie fully for my Lords sake and as for the service of the world if I know any thing of mine own heart it is my daily desire prayer and indeavour to throw the world wholly out of my heart That I might not do any service any longer to sin or Satan and if at any time they do get any little from me how grudgingly and repiningly is it done yea is it not the grief of my soul that I have had any expectation or desires after any thing in the world or of this world that my eye is not wholly and really upon Jesus Christ for expectation provision and all what I need 3ly Though I have a wretched heart that hath and still would be picking its work thinking that other servants of Christ they have an easier work and go through this world filled filled with the joy of the Holy Ghost yea and have their cups of earthly blessings overflowing and hereupon my wicked heart hath been carried disorderly to long after and wish for such a condition and think that I had a hard portion to be always afflicted with inward and outward distempers and weaknesses trials in bodily afflictions of most sorts and invvard vveaknesses infirmities temptations of divers kinds and in high degrees suffered my name especially for my desire to walk in the wayes and services of my Lord which my wicked heart thought very hard and to this day is too ready sometimes to murmure though through the goodness of my God it hath not the power or strength that it hath had yet the very rising of it causeth my soul still to beg strength against it and a thorow victory over it begging daily a submissive frame of spirit to the will of my Lord in all things desiring no more to pick and chuse my condition and work but begging the Lord to chuse for me who knoweth what is best for me and if he seeth meet that I should serve him in the fire of affliction inward or outward that he would but subject my heart to his wil sanctifie that condition to me and do with me what he please 7ly Doth there not appear some degree of faithfulnesse in thee in that thou lovest most whom thou esteemest to do most for Christ and daily mournst that others do no more for him then thou doest is it not a continual burthen to thee that thou canst do no more for Christ and art imployed no more by him Maiest thou not say safely before the Lord who knoweth the truth of it that thy heart is not taken with any creature in this world what ever it be and if upon any yet upon no other account whatever but only as they are servants to thy Lord and what ever their other adjournings were whether beauty or parts or riches and honour or whatever none of all these did to thy remembrance advance any creature in the esteem of thy soul 8ly Wouldest thou not gladly O my soul be putting on others yea and bless the Lord if he would please to inable thee to this work that seeing thou canst do so little for him thy self that he would inable thee to spur on others to do more for him then thou canst and is it not thy burthen that through one temptation or other thou art so much prevented in this blessed work also To what end else are thy words and writings to others and continued begging of their remembrance of thee before the Lord 9ly Is it not thy daily grief that both thy self and others move so slowly in this work to see men lose their first love and walk not so rightly and faithfully with Christ as formerly is not this thy daily grief and burthen and that which sometimes even overwhelmeth thy spirit 10ly O my soul doest thou not desire continually to blesse the Lord that he hath made thee his servant to serve him in any work for what art thou that the Lord should chuse thee out to be his servant when he might have taken others that might have done more service yea doest not thou bless the Lord O my soul more in that he hath made thee his servant then that he hath given thee riches or honour or esteem in the world are these any thing in thy eye in comparison of being made his servant did not the Lord bring thee to that pass before he appeared in way of comfort to thee to make thee beg of him upon thy knees that thou maiest but be made a servant of his whatever else thou underwentest though thou shouldest be made as the off-scouring of all things or forced to beg thy bread in this world yet that thou mightest but be his servant 11ly O my soul maiest thou not say that infirmities are more afflictive because impediments in the service of Christ then because they are afflictions upon thee art thou not more troubled when sick weak in body minde or understanding because these unfit thee for the service of Christ then becaus weak sick or low in esteem of others Lord thou knowest there is much trembling upon my spirit about this whether I may say this before thee or no but if it be not thus with me O Lord I beg of thee to work this frame in me for it is that I desire to presse after daily and am grieved that I am no more clear in yet methinks sometimes it is in some measure evident to my soul that the defects that accompany my service are more grievous and burthensome to me then the want of success of comfort though sometimes I am quite dark as to the clearing of this
this hand of his in a lively manner quicken up my spirit and cause it to work up lively in his presence 2. Yea he did by it give me a clear sight of the workings of my own heart of its desire at the last to be fully resigned unto him and be wholly at hisdispose more then ever before yea I found my desire to be wrought up unto that pitch to seek his glory first in all things 3. Yea the Lord by this means drew up and drew out my heart to a longing earnest and vehement desire to be led and guided by him in all his wayes telling him that I was such a poor foolish weak creature that I was not able to go one step in any of my wayes natural or spiritual without him and therefore seeing that he had promised to guide the simple and lead the weak that he would now in an eminent manner appear to be my guide in all my wayes even to the death and not at any time leave me to my self or the vanities and allurements of this world the temptations of Satan or the wicked corruptions of my own heart I being so ready to be drawn aside by them and therefore begging again and again to be kept by his mighty power 4. Yea I had through this occasion a renewed token from my God Father filling my heart wâ—th such joy and confident expectation of his appearance even before the duty wherein I sought it of him was ended which made me beg of him to encrease and keep up my faith and not suffer Satan to cause a damp in it causing me any more to distrust his love who had so largely manifested it from time to time to me 5. Yea did not the Lord shew me how righteous it was with him that I who had so often rashly said that did not trouble my headvvith these things though I then saw it not the Lord shewed me that it was righteous with him that I should now not only have my head troubled but my heart also so that all along the Lord was pleased to outvvit Satan so that what he thought to have made a snare to intrap me in the Lord made as great an advantage to my soul as ever any administration was The next Lords day being the first of this 11th Moneth 1653. being filled in the morning with very sad thoughts and apprehensions of my own darkness and deadness and the like beseeching the Lord that it might be no bar or hinderance to his appearance to my poor soul that day but that he would appear so much the more by how much the darker I was for by so much the more would the glory of his grace shine forth upon such a a dark creature O how gloriously did the Lord appear this day in answer to these desires and that in a lively unexpected way in guiding Mr. Knight in his Sermon which was now fixed upon John 3. 19. to begin with it that day that suited me for I did onely expect as himself had formerly intended that he should only hold forth the sadness of their condition who love darkness more then light but when he came to meditate about it he could not as he told me afterwards get over the first words of light coming into the world the Lord drawing out his heart that day to treat wholly about Jesus Christ being sent a light into the world to enlighten poor dark creatures which came in so seasonably and sutably upon my poor heart that I cannot but much admire the grace of God in it The next day being the eighth day of the eleventh moneth and the Lords day O how gloriously was the Lord pleased to appear to my poor distressed soul in answer to its desires and groans before him making use of our dear Pastour as the instrument of his conveyance even throughout the whole service of the day the truth is I am not able to declare the goodness of the Lord to my soul at this time O that I could admire it for I cannot express it what seasonable truths refreshments counsels and directions the Lord was pleased to hint out to me this day A Copy of some desires which I spread before the Lord which were offered up upon a day of Humiliation THere is one who desires a share in the Petitions that are this day poured out in the spirit to the Lord beseeching him that as he sent his own son into the world to be a light to those who sit in darkness and to guide their feet in his wayes that he would be pleased to make him appear to be so to their souls by undertaking to be their guide and leader in all their wayes and to that end that he would be pleased to reveal his will more fully to them go in all their wayes before them and inable them cheerfully to follow him but at no time to go before without him or stay behinde him This was in relation to my self and my present condition desiring still to see the Lord more clearly going before me Upon the reading this Bill in my behalf they seemed all of them that read it to be exceedingly taken with it reading it over and over again and pausing upon it finding it to take much upon them upon which my wicked heart being too ready to swell how graciously was the Lord pleased to cast in such expressions as these upon Mr. Blake's heart which after some time pausing upon it he uttered which did much abase my spirit It is an easie matter said he to speak and present fine words in papers and in prayers but if we should now enter into a serious examination of our own hearts what we have done towards the attainment of these things which we thus desire that the Lord may be petitioned for perhaps our hearts may charge us of much hypocrisie and neglect therein in matters of bodily sickness and pains we do not onely seek the Lord but we observe all means that we can for cure and try all Physicians and the like but have we done so for the attainment of these spiritual mercies or no vve could be content perhaps if God vvould do it vvithout us and our pains in the serious consideration vvhereof hovv sadly did my guilty heart fly in my face though not in reference to this present desire I must confess yet in reference to many other desires that I have formerly spread before the Lord for the subduing of pride and passion and other corruptions vvhich I vvould gladly have subdued and yet in my course I gave too much vvay to them and set not so strict a watch over mine ovvn heart as I onght as I desire the Lord to help me to do O my soul hovv graciously vvas the Lord pleased to appear this day being the second day of this tvvelsth moneth through Mr. Knights Ministry at Westminster Abby as a God hearing prayer yea ansvvering thy desires as to those petitions put up over night
soul in former dayes in the Night-seasons and how sweet my Meditation of him hath been Night and Morning upon my Bed and how barren my heart hath been for some time of late in these Meditations and how the Lord hath seemed to withdraw these thoughts did put me upon it the tenth of this second Month in the Evening to beg of God that as he had formerly appeared in such seasons that he would please to return that mercy even by those torches of his hand whereby my Nights are very wearisome to my body by reason of my extream Cough truly I did the more press it upon the Lord in my desires having much groaned to think that Night would be very wearisom to me more then any formerly by reason of my distemper but my good God who worketh all things after the counsel of his own Will and not according to our thoughts or fears or hopes so ordered it that what I had reason most to fear he gave me least to feel and though I was much distempered in my head when I vvent to bed by reason of my cold that vvas so great yet did he give me very good rest all the fore-part of the night vvhich vvhen I avvaked tovvards morning and began to consider Oh I could not but admire but vvithal began to think that though my desires about this vvere ansvvered and though I had rest of body yet no communion vvith my God or reasonings with my own heart which I intended to have parlyed a little with while I had these thoughts and the like lying in a slumbering vvay there vvas this thought brought to my mind which Mr. Cradock the fourth day of this second Month mentioned upon another occasion the words were these That vain man would be wise that was born like a wild Asses Colt These words ran much in my mind and some thoughts were given in upon them with a great desire I might not forget them but might in the Morning see and finde out that place of Scripture but the Lord giving me as I thought an opportunity and so much strength as to go and hear Mr. Cradick I hasted as soon as I could get up to prepare for going but when we came there having prayed to the Lord in some few words that he would please to give me some sight of himself some transforming sight and some kisses from his lips this day but going there we were disappointed for that exercise was for some occasions put off to next morning and so we came home again and coming home being a little sadned in my spirit thinking of my Morning-desires when an answer should be of them or how looked for I sate me down and fell to reading a little of Mr. Cradocks Sermon before mentioned and meeting with these vvords Oh vain man that would be wise put me again in mind of my Night-thoughts and fell to looking the Scripture and found it in Job 11. 12. For vain man would be wise though man be born like a wild Asses Colt some hints there were that fell upon my heart this night from these vvords Vain man would be wise Good God! hath not this been my condition this poor vain creature would I not fain be wise and thought to be so and often prided my self in the thoughts of it for which the Lord righteously shevvs me novv and then my folly yet how fain would I be wise in chalking out Waies for the Lord to walk in tovvards me even as if I knew better what were good for me then God or how to accomplish that Work in my soul better then he and therefore am I so ready to prescribe to him Wayes yea and if he refuses and rejects them as for the most part he is pleased in mercy to do blessed be his Name Oh! how sadly doth it often lie upon my spirit and how apt am I to think hardly of the Lord that truly he doth not mean me any good in denying me this or that I desire And for the later vvords though man be born like a wild Asse Colt concerning vvhich I had some scattered thoughts but not so composed as afterwards But after I had come home from James next day and had looked this Scripture and found it sitting and pausing a vvhile upon it my spirit being very much sadned and unfit for any serious spiritual meditation at last I betook my self to some short requests to the Lord telling him That as he vvas pleased thus to disappoint my expectation of the publike enjoyment yet in him there was a fulness of all povver and ability thereby being as able to speak to me by his own spirit something that might be of spiritual advantage some transforming vvords which he is able to do as vvell in private as in publike which I did now beg of him and to that end besought him to lead me by the hand this day and guide me into the Way and put me upon the Work and that he would please to appear to me with many other requests both for my own soul and others in relation to me But not knowing vvhat Work to set upon this day or what to take in hand but waiting upon the Lords direction having many things in my thoughts to do but desirous of some vvord from God to my poor soul but this vvord in Job 11. 12. following me still I fell to some further thoughts of it and ruminating on the latter clause of being like the wild Asse I began to think what that Scripture did record of this creature that I saw did resemble me fully and there these words of the Prophet brought to my minde that it went up and down snuffing up the Wind and is ready to be found in her moneth which words I found in Jeremiah 2. 24. A wild Asse used to the wilderness that snuffeth up the wind at her pleasure in her occasion who can turn her away all these that seek her will weary themselves in her Month they shall find her In which as also in most part of the chapter I find many things that sate very close to me the Lord began thus it was with me for in v. 2. I remember saith he the kindnest of thy youth the love of thine espousals when thou wentest after me in the Wilderness in a Land that was not sown In the time of thy darkness sorrows and tears and bondage when thou wentest after me and often in the bitterness of thy soul resolved to follow me through this Wilderness though thou shouldest perish in so doing yea resolving so to follow me as that thy heart was then fully as it vvere taken off from all but me thou didst desire nothing but my self But ver 5. What Iniquity have your Fathers found in me that you go from me to follow after vanity How righteously may the Lord say thus to me vvas he not better to me by far then ever I expected or could have believed v. 6. Neither said they Where
those that are his subjects from whence we were farther exhorted to look out what it is that we have that is everlasting telling us that wives and children and estates and the like they are not everlasting they and you must part Oh therefore do not reckon these everlasting but if you have a Christ or grace c. that shall be everlasting if God hath begun any good work in your souls that shall be everlasting your infirmities weaknesses corruptions they are not everlasting they shall die and wither and Satan shall shortly be trod under your feet though Satan and sin hath domineered and made a stir in thy soul yet it shall not reign for ever there but grace shall raign by righteousnesse to eternal life therefore though your pains be great troubles sore temptations many yet know they are not everlasting and this may much comfort the Saints yea if Christ raigns this may comfort the Saints that their afflictions shall pass only from Christ not from the sons of men not from the world nor Satan nor the Law without him no nor the restlesse motions of your hearts that often misgive and terrifie you your judgement shall passe from Christ whose Throne is for ever and ever O my soul how abundantly hath the Lord bovved dovvn to refresh as vvell as convince thee this day the Lord grant it may abide upon thy spirit and help thee to live continually to his praise The 29. of this 9. moneth I sought the Lord to appear to my poor soul and speak some seasonable word that might be for my spiritual advantage and truly though I was disappointed of him that I expected to hear yet did the Lord by our btother Lemall hand out a most seasonable word to my soul which I desire may abide which was not to quench the spirit which the Lord did really convince me that I had often done even of late which I desire the Lord would help me against and make this a blessed word to the end unto my soul The 30. day of this 9. moneth the Lord drew out my heart that morning to beg of him that he would please to prepare my heart to meet with him and to manifest his presence to my poor soul through his Word that it might be a blessed season wherein my soul might enjoy communion with himself and that to that end he would please to remove out of my soul whatever might make me unfit to meet with him desiring much in my heart and endeavouring to expresse it before the Lord that my heart might once be gathered out from all things here below and sixed only upon himself and Jesus Christ and that there might be something added to this work this day And O my soul how gloriously did the Lord appear both for thy conviction and comfort in sending his messenger as if it were on purpose with an errand from heaven to my soul It was a stranger that preached this day and the Subject he was upon was the lovelinesse of Jesus Christ Canticles 5. 16. He is altogether lovely whence he fully cleared that there was nothing below Christ that can be lovely or desirable and vvhatsoever could be desired it is abundantly in him from vvhence the Lord did really convince me of my folly in suffering of my affections to run out so strongly on such vain objects and so little on my Lord Iesus Christ and in the close speaking by vvay of comfort he had this passage That vvhen ever any poor soul did come into the presence of the Lord in prayer or hearing or any ordinance vvith a desire to have such a corruption mortified though for ends best knovvn to the Lord he may for the present suffer it in him yet vvould he record it in heaven as if it had been mortified for said he it vvas in the desire of that poor soul and though I suffer it yet I look upon it as if the soul had mortified it really and so for all other gracious desires the Lord looketh upon them as his and as done though never attained as he did Abrahams offering up his son Isaac and therefore he leaveth it upon record to posterity that he did offer him up though yet he did not do it because it vvas in his heart and intent to do it had not the Lord prevented vvhich together with many other pretious hints the Lord was pleased to leave with me this day which I beseech him to blesse me and make me to improve them to his praise and glory The second day of this 10. moneth I sought the Lord that he would be pleased if he saw meet to add one other day to me to vouchsafe his face and presence to me and give my soul some sight of him and prepare my heart to meet with him emptying out of it what ever might unfit me to come before him after which there fell a great damp upon my spirit considering that I had only in a formality sought this of him but could not expect that he should continue alwayes so graciously to a poor soul as I had begged of him being such an unworthy unfruitful creature that did so little improve all his appearances but O my soul how gloriously did the Lord break through all thy unbelief and go beyond all thy expectations in providing a most blessed glorious and seasonable word for thy soul answering the desires of thy heart also on the behalf of his servant that was to speak in his name this day shining forth gloriously in and through him insomuch that himself did bless the Lord for his appearance that day for which blesse the Lord O my soul and oh that all that is within me could blesse his holy name Oh the sensible truths that were hinted to my soul this day which I desire of the Lord I might never forget which were hinted from Psal 45. 7. from which our Pastor sweetly opened the love of Christ to righteousnesse which love he shewed us was that that made him lovely to God and to his Saints Now that he doth love as he shewed us appears in that this love to it was his very nature and therefore he is called the righteous and the Lord our righteousness yea it appears in that he hath through all kind of difficulties fulfilled all righteousnesse therefore with desire I have desired saith he to eat this passeover that so he might be ready to suffer and so to satisfie divine justice which is one part of his fulfilling righteousnesse yea he shewed that he loves righteousnesse in that salvation that he hath vvrought for us meriting by a full satisfaction to justice that so justice might glory in our salvation as vvell as mercy for hovvever wereceive all by grace yet Christ wrought it out by justice and payd a full price for it which shewed his love to righteousness and justice so that what ever God hath promised believers in his word it is a merited promise that Christ hath bought and paid
were blessed discoveries given to judge our estate We were also instructed in all our present afflictions in this World still to remember it appears not yet what we shall be did you keep your eye on this how would it refresh you under all troubles Keep your eye then on Christ his appearances for there your fulness shall be But further to refresh the Saints they are at present the sons of God but know not the best of their estate you may be now under clouds and temptations but the best is behind it appears not now what you shall be And let this chear up your hearts The 8. day of this tenth month the Lord drew out my heart in the morning being the day of our Church-meeting to beg of him to go forth with us this day or else not to carry us out and withal That he would please to provide a blessed word a seasonable word for every poor soul that should in the sincerity of their spirit wait upon him that day and that he would please to speak some seasonable word to my soul that it may be a blessed testimony that his presence was with me begging also the pouring out of his spirit richly on them he should please to send to speak among us with much to this effect The nineth of this tenth month at night the Lord was pleased often to draw out my heart with some sence of his appearances as also my unfruitfulness under all former appearancs beseeching him to sanctifie all his appearances to my soul and help me to walk more watchfully and hearken more to the testimony of my own conscience in what ever I had done and not to sin against it with many such like desires begging this That as he had so sweetly encouraged my soul by these gracious hints the third of this month so that now he wovld please notwithstanding all my unworthiness and unfruitfulness yet to make good these gracious words of his wherein he hath said Sin shall not have Dominion over his people and that he would bruise Satan under their feet that he would never leave nor forsake them for which gracious blessed word of his I endeavoured to plead with him this Evening even upon the account of the full satisfaction the Lord Jesus had made to him that therefore these blessed words might be made good to my poor soul as also on the behalf of his servant our dear Pastor who the eighth of this eighth Month seemed exceeding sad which came with some power and sense upon my heart at this time beseeching the Lord if he had convinced him of any evil in him that he would also work it out of him and if there were any other oppression upon his spirit which was known to him that he would please to ease refresh comfort and fit him for the great work he hath called him to and also pour out his spirit upon him that he might have a real and sensible sight of the answers of those desires and that the Lord would please to direct him what and how to speak so as might be to the advantage of every of our souls who sincerely seek his face and presence And oh my soul how graciouslie did the Lord appear the next day being his Sabbath and gave in a gracious answer to these desires and gave forth far beyond them The 10th of this 10th Month being the Lords Day in the morning I sought the Lord for his most special presence in and with me this day that he would please to prepare a seasonable useful word for my soul and prepare my heart to meet with him that my soul might be enabled to bless and praise his Name for it and that he would please so eminently to appear that it might be written among the rewards of his love yea that it might come into my soul even as a special pledge of his love yea that he would please to pour out his spirit upon his servant and appear so eminently through him as that also he might be enabled to acknowledge it to his praise And oh my soul how richly and abundantly and fully did the Lord answer all these desires yea every of them in particular which were spread before him more at large then I am able to set down and truly the answers of them were much more large and full in which the Lord bowed down greatly even to the requests also to do more abundantly then I could ask or think and so he did begin even as soon I came to the Congregation filling my heart with great joy and expectation of his mercy from him even in the Psalm before Sermon the Psalm sung was Psal 22. 23. on which my soul joyfullie ran out and so both in Prayer and in Preaching how abundantlie did the Lord bow down and refresh my poor spitit and the spirit of our dear Pastor who in a most solemn manner again and again blessed the Lord for his appearances both in the dispensation of the Word also in the Lords Supper that was that day administred The Scripture spoken to us was Psal 45. 7. Thou hatest iniquity whence he shewed That Christ was lovely to his Saints for hating iniquity In opening hereof he shewed us what hatred was in man and what it was in Christ which as he said was not an action or passion but his very nature and will which putteth forth all his other Excellencies as his Power and his Wisdom c. to repel all that is contrarie to his Nature and Will which he further opened at large shewing us That all the object of Christs hatred was onely sin which is truly evil men hate that which they apprehend evil but Christs hatred is properly neither against men or Angels but only against sin and man onlie as he is under the power of sin and this hatred maketh him repel that which he hateth with all his power putting out all his Excellencies to the uttermost either for the destruction of sin in us or of us Thus Christ loved the nature of man and took it upon him yet when this love was turned into hatred by reason of the over-powering of sin which fighteth against the life of Christ and when this love of his comes to turn to hatred the hatred is the greater Now that Christ hateth sin appears both in the work of Redemption and Rejection In the work of Redemption when he comes to suppress sin in us he seemeth by this action to speak in this manner Rather then sin shall live in thee I will dye my blood shall rather go for it So in the Rejection the hatred of Christ shall kindle the fire of Hel about them But that Christ doth thus hate sin appears further by these things 1. By his dealings against it in the Creation Adam no sooner made but he falls and so boiling hot was Gods hatred against sin that before he gives him time for repentance or any parley he presently goes to his posterity