nature But yet notwithstanding my heart was somwhat I thought affected with those desires before the Lord yet oh with what sadness I may speak it how soon were they out of mind even before I got to Tulham in so much that I quite forgot my own desires and not at all looking after any answer of them but how did the Lord raise and rouse up my dead heart even upon the nameing of the psalm that was called to be sung in the morning which was the 145. psalm which at the first nameing of my heart leaped as it were thinking what shal we sing that psalm Mr Knights text is in though for the present I mistook for his text is in the 45 psalm but this was the 145. psalm the two last staves which as soon as wee began to sing my heart was exceedingly altered with it in which I found many suteable expressions to my former desires even in the very words which did as it were raise my heart in a kind of contented expectation of a glorius appearance of God that day as a returne of prayer which methoughts the Lord did even then give to me by hinting this scripture so put to my condition and desires and how gloriously did the Lord appear the 27. of this 6. month through his servant Mr Knight in both parts of the day whom he was pleased to come in even beyond his owne expectation as he acknowledged to me in discourse the next day telling me that he did only intend to handle in general the 3 things concerning Christ as his svveetness fitness faithfulness but when he came to speak to them the Lord was pleased so greatly to inlarge the thoughts of it upon his heart and made it so svveet unto him that he could not but declare vvhat the Lord gave in unto him and truly not only vvas it svveet to him but as fit and seasonabe to my poore soul as any thing that could have been spoken the Lord give me but a heart to make improvement of it so as may be to his praise and eternal good of my poore soul The 7 day of the Month hovv abundantly vvas the Lord pleased to bovv dovvn to this rebellious wretch who hath great cause to fear that my heart was set more to seek see a poor vain creature to meet w th them then to see or meet the Lord yet that the Lord should even now bow down and give forth gratious visites to my soul through many sensible convictions hinted to my heart this day both through his word and through his other administrations this day going early enough to heare the morning sermon though I much fear whether it were so much out of pure love to it as out of self-ends yet what sensible convictions did there from the Lord fall upon my hart from these instructions M. Blond hinted out to us from the expression of David I kept my self from mine iniquity where hee shewed us that it was our great duty to watch cheifly against our own particular sinns shewing us how wee might know them hinting also that it was Probable that this sinne of David vvas tongue-sin from vvhich hovv secretly did the Lord check my poor soul aftervvards Mr Nie spake from psalm the 50. 26 this thou didst and I kept silence vvhere hee shevved that by silence vvas meant a refraining from motion or action vvhence he observed that vvords and actions are all one vvith God it vvas as easy vvith God to do as to speak it vvas but for him to speak and the vvork vvas done yea it is as easy for God to do as for us to speak and begg of him and much more and vvhat a mighty incouragement is this to thy faith O my soul vvhich vvas the improvement he made of it by application and also hinted more that as all Gods vvords are actions and so pardoning actions and administrations are as so many vvords and oh of vvhat use is this to my soul vvhat things hath God spoken to my soul from and by his various administrations to thee for these many years hovv hath the Lord by his providence often as it were convinced thee and yet thy base heart will not leave to goe on to tempt the Lord though he hath so evidently appeared in crossing thee and this day was a sign of it that thou wouldest put on thy best cloathes in that pride and vanity of thy heart thou know'st didst thou not by a strange providence as it were get a spot in thy coat to check thee and did not the Lord by it shew thee thy pride vanity and folly but Oh how gratious is the Lord that he will please to shew thee this in so mild and gentle a way The 10. of this 7 month being the Lords day I sought the Lord in the morning but in a formall way that he would please to appear to me that day through his servant as also to give in a gratious answer to these desires that Mr. Knight put up to him the last day namely to unvail the grace of our Lord Jesus to him that he might so taste and feel it as might inable him to declare it to his praise which I did now also beg of the Lord and that though I was altogether unworthy of this mercy or of any more appearance from the Lord which have made so little improvement of so many gratious favours yet that he would please to overcome my rebellion and unfruitfulness with his love and at the last over-power my soul anâ— bring it to a more full subjection to him-selfe and that which I desire now to record to the Praise of the Lord is before him and that yet the Lord was pleased most particulary to unvaile the Lord Jesus Christ in the riches of his grace the Lord help thee O my soul to improve all those wondefull appearances of his praise and glory The 13. of this 7 Month appointed by this new Parliament for a day of humiliation and seeking the Lord I sought the Lord in the morning that he would please to put my heart into some measure of suteableness to that business and to make mee really sensible of all my rebellions unfruitfulness and unthankfulness to him for all his glorious appearances and that he would poure out his spirit upon his servants that were to be his and our mouthes this day as also begging the Lord to let some hints from himselfe fall with power upon my heart this day and there abide And blessed God how gratiously wert thou pleased to appeare and with what sensible and suteable truths pressing my soul to get into Christ and dwel there then which there is no truth more needfull to be pressed upon my vvretched heart being so miserably shattered about and upon other things and my affections so sadly divided that in truth I doe not dwell in the Lord Jesus Christ as I ought which the Lord vvas pleased in great mercy to my soul to
that his soul abhorred and lying under the apprehension of my self as one cast off by God whom he never regards having poured out my soul before him and begged a soft heart and a renewed and changed nature urging him often with that similitude of a child coming to his father to begg bread Mat. 7. 9 10 11. or rather in my apprehension finding my heart grow more hard and my affections more cold and luke-warm I lay under another temptation from Sathan that sure I was but an hypocrite in all that I did and therefore should but heap up wrath against my self as in Job 36. 13. and this was set home upon my spirit upon several grounds as 1. Because as he told me I did not so much aim at the glory of God as at that happy estate which is to be enjoyed in heaven 2. Because I could not find my love working so strongly towards God as towards my self desiring to be freed from the torments of hell which I conceived to be intolerable as also 3. Finding sometimes a kind of secret desire that some body might hear or know of my performances of duties c. Though I never durst act in any measure so as that it might be discerned but alwayes strove to my utmost ability to conceal what ever possibly I might yet finding sometimes some such desires of vain glory in my spirit that though I did do it thus privately yet if it could have been known and not by my means I thought I could be content and this also lay as an heavy weight upon my spirit to think that there should such wicked vain and sinful thoughts and desires be suggested to me or for anytime though never so smal lodge within me Jer. 4. 14. Which when I began to consider sadly of did but still renew and increase my troubles and feares being a discovery of the hypocrisy that was in my heart And for the most part of this my trouble I lay under such a sense of the wrath of God that I thought that all I had and enjoyed was cursed to me often admiring that every bit of bread I eat did not choak me or every creature did not put an end to my life often fearing that the company I was in should fare the worse for me in so much that if I went by water or the like I still conceived I might be an occasion of drowning all those that were with me Oh! how desirous was my soul at this time of the help and counsel of my Godly wise friends and Christians but through many and sundry temptations still deprived my self of it and of the benefit I might have gained by it through my wicked silence in all companies and loathness to impart my condition to any Sometimes my wicked corrupt heart would basely suggest to me that I was not able to discourse or speak of any spiritual thing and therefore I should but only thereby discover my own ignorance and no wayes advantage my self c. Which when I was inabled still to consider better of recollecting my thoughts and calling them into question as it were then cometh the Divell and tells me that this did but note my hypocrisy and farther when I have been troubled with it to think that I should give way to such wicked thoughts as these then comes in Sathan again on the other side and tells me that if I should put my self forward in any discourse I should but thereby cause others to have a better opinion of me than indeed I deserved and so deceive others and delude my own soul and this latter temptation was that which indeed did oftenest prevail with me being ever most of all prone to fear the delusions of my own heart and so esteeming my condition to be better than it is This going on in this way of wicked silence made many of my Christian friends I do really beleeve not know what to think of me but were as it were estranged from me which I soon perceiving it was a most heavy affliction to me such as the searcher of hearts knows lay very sadly upon my spirit which yet I could not in any measure make known to them but between God and my own soul condoled this my miserable condition then being to remove out of London which was an exceeding trouble to me to consider how we should by it be deprived of those means which we there might enjoy although indeed neither my Father Mother or my self could enjoy our healths there And removing into the Country about the year 1647. I found the ministery under which I then was exceeding dead and spiritless then when I came home me thought I knew as much and no more to my edification in that condition I was in than I did when I went the subject which was then and for a long time together treated on was that Scripture Gen. 2. 7. The Lord breathed into man the breath of life and man became a living soul The main scope of the minister being to shew what the natural soul was that God had put into man handling it as I conceiv'd more like a Philosopher than a Gospel-preacher which notional things were not those which could satisfie my soul which wanted now some support from heaven in this sad drooping condition I was in but meeting with nothing suitable to my present estate and being here cast in a place where I was deprived of all other means I grew still into a more sad condition every day Then did I lye under a very sad and strange temptation to neglect the ordinance of preaching which was grounded upon the pretence that I might improve my time at home to my more spiritual advantage which temptation I often yeilded to and when I had any opportunity or seeming excuse by reason of any smal bodily distemper either the head-ach or the like I still took those occasions to stay at home and so yeilded to the temptation and thus I did often But when I came still at night to a review of what I had done and how I had spent my time in each of these dayes as also what I had gained I found it to be so little through one temptation or other that I now began to conceive and fear that it was only a temptation of the Divell to bring me out of love with the ordinances of God whereupon the Lord also inabled me to begin to take a view of my own heart indeavouring to perswade my self that the fault was only in me and that surely I was some way or other prâ—judiced against the man or his preaching not looking as I ought to the power of God which was able to bless that means to me that he had now cast me under contrary to my desires and that it was therefore just with God to let it be to me according to my unbeleef Whereupon I began again to examine my own heart whether or no I had any kind of prejudice against the man which
here I must needs say that though our Pastor spake much to this purpose and that sweetly a while since from 2 Cor. 6. 2. Behold now is the acceptable time behold now is the day of Salvation yet did it not take upon my heart in that way as these few hints did for the Lord had not then appeared to my soul in those manifestations of love as he did afterward and how ever these Scriptures do chiefly referre as I conceive to the time of the Gospel and Gods love to the souls of men in bringing of them home to himself yet that truth which was at this time chiefly set upon my heart was from the consideration of this present hint of time wherein the Lord through his rich grace in my Lord Jesus Christ had been pleased to cause his face to shine upon my soul The very next day being the 13 of this moneth in the morning when I was awaked as I lay in my bed I had that Scripture in Luk. 13. 11. brought fresh to my mind of that woman whom Sathan had bowed these eighteen years vers 16. whom Christ loosed with a perswasion before ever I began to count it that the time of my Thraldome under Sathan and sinne would run paralel with this as also my condition for saith the text she had a spirit of infirmity and was bowed together so as she could in no wise lift up her self and truly thus I found it had been with me for many years I had been bound by Sathan under unbeleefe and the corruptions of my own heart and so bowed together as I could in no wise lift up my self so as to give glory to God by beleeving and as for the time when I came to count it from the first time that the Lord was pleased to touch my heart with a sight and sense of my wretched condition and thereupon to occasion much trouble of spirit which was as I conceive about the year 1635. which reckoned untill the end of the year 1652 which was the first time that ever the Lord did upon real solid grounds speak any abiding word of comfort to me and so in any measure loosing me from those bands and I did find it to be just 18 years This same morning also a little while after there fell an other Scripture upon my heart which I found recorded in Psal 129. 1 2. Many a time have they afflicted me from my youth may I srael now say many a time have they afficted me from my youth yet have they not prevailed against me and hath it not been thus with my soul many a time hath it been afflicted with temptations and corruptions but through mercy they have not yet totally prevailed over me There was also two other Scriptures immediately after this set upon my heart this morning as first that in Psal 34. 6. This poor man cryed and the Lord heard him and saved him out of all his troubles even so this poor soul of mine hath cryed unto the Lord in my fears and he hath blessed be his name heard me and graciously delivered me out of all the fears and troubles that ever yet lay upon me And to back this for the future there was immediately that Scripture brought to my mind in Joh. 5. 19. He shall deliver thee in six troubles yea in seven there shall no evill touch thee the meditation whereof was exceeding sweet to my soul but whilst my soul lay under these enjoyments from the Lord which for a time even swallowed up my heart in the admiration of him yet notwithstanding suddenly after finding my heart exceedingly straightned to blesse and praise the name of this my God in such a manner and measure as my soul desired for all these wonderfull appearances to me I had this perswasion strongly darted into me that the Lord had some sharp affliction suddenly to lay upon me which I was fully possessed with expectation of which caused me to pour out my soul before the Lord beseeching him to fit me for it and sanctifie it unto me what ever it should be not knowing in what way or manner for to expect it apprehending it to be some sorer stroke than a little bodily affliction and because I apprehended that the sadest outward affliction that could come to me was the parting with my dear Mother I did therefore straightway apprehend this would be the trial at the thoughts of which I was at the present somewhat startled but within a few dayes on the 23 of this eleventh moneth was the Lord pleased to visit my poor body with much bodily distemper which seazed so upon my vitall spirits and so over-poured them which together with other distempers lay somewhat heavy upon the flesh in and under which if I know my own heart the greatest part of my trouble was that I could not find out what the mind of the Lord was in it in which inquiry there was some things the which were then presented to me as the ground of it as for instance The first thing that was darted into me was that the Lord did it to put a stop to me in this very act of recording the loves of the Lord to my soul who hath carried me as upon Eagles wings and as it were set me aloft Exod. 19. 4. so as no affliction or dispensation hath been able to do me hurt but have born yea forborn me and carried me all the dayes of old as he did his people Israel notwithstanding all my rebellions Esa 63. 9 10 12 15 16. and this suggestion for ought I know might come even from Sathan himself though I confesse it was presented upon a very faire account insinuating into me that it was out of the pride of my spirit which put me upon this action which caused my soul to make its address to the Lord beseeching him to search me and try my heart and my reines and withall begging of him that if there were any such corruption in the bottome which was not yet discovered to me that he would be pleased to reveal it and so put a stop to me in any actings whatsoever upon any such account And though upon the strictest search and inquiry that I was able to make into my own heart I could find little ground why I should altogether conclude with Sathan in this yet the very fear of it did for the space of half a year at least if I mistake not cause this work to cease untill it was again set with some weight upon my spirit as that which might make for the glory of my Lord and perhaps though weakly stammer out his praise when I shall be gathered into into my dust who was so unable to speak it out in my life and this I both did and do the rather beleeve to proceed from Sathan the great enemie of Soules because I find the Saints through the Scripture so ready to declare what great things the Lord had done for their soules Psal 34. 2.
magnifie the name of our prayer-hearing God a God that delighteth in mercy and in the manifestation of it to his poor worthless Creature beseeching him further to increase my faith and help me to act it lively at this present in a plentifull feeding upon the Lord Jesus that so my soul may find abundant strength healing and cleansing to issue from him in whom all my hope and help lyeth The same tenth of this sixth month the second paper that I put up this day was in relation to our communion which I thus expressed One of this despised handful desires that the Lord would be pleased to humble our souls before him that we have been guilty before him of rashness and inconsiderateness together with want of love and tenderness to each other which the Lord make every soul of us deeply sensible of and help us to abound more to his praise in every good word and work that we might never by any of our weaknesses and miscarriages be any occasion to darken his glory to the world In answer to which the Lord was pleased in some measure to draw out the heart of Mr. K. to confesse this iniquity before the Lord with it a sense of and to mourn for one who came in at the first without due trial which I hope not without some ground the Lord hath set it home upon many if not all our spirits with adeepsense of our miscarrage in it The tenth of the sixth moneth were the papers put up also to present to the Lord by Mr. Knight at a day of fast thus One desires your earnest prayers before the Lord and to spread the sad condition of one in near relation to her that conceiveth himself in a happy condition when there are grounds enough to fear the contrary she desires you together with her to beseech the Lord to discover it to him that so he may have no rest in his soul till he be brought home and built upon the Lord Jesus Christ that onely foundation The same tenth of this sixth Month 1653. one who was compassed with such a body of death and corruption under which the party sadly mourns polluting all that ever she puts her hand unto therefore she desires your earnest prayers to the Lord that he would come and dwel in her soul and be as a refiners fire and as fuller Sope to cleanse her and to burn up whatsoever is contrary to himself or any way darkens his glory The 13 of the sixth moneth The Lord drew out my heart exceedingly to beg an increase of faith even beyond sight sense that though I could not see corruption dead yet that I might beleeve that it should be so in Gods time as also to beg for our sister Harris her Mother and that the Lord would please to cure her of the fear of death who had been subject to this bondage and help her to commit her soul to him as a faithful creatour and an everlasting loving tender-hearted Father The fifteenth day of the sixth moneth was discovered to me that I had often thought that if I had but assurance of the love of God then nothing could trouble me but I should be swallowed up with joy and even overcome with it but Oh my soul hath it been thus with thee since the Lord appeared abundantly in way of refreshment to thee or rather quite contrary since thou hast been set free from from the fear of hell and wrath oh how sad to think that ever thou shouldest live to rebel against such a God a Father of so much mercy About the end of the seventh moneth the Lord being pleased to lay some light affliction upon my poor body thereby drawing out my heart after this manner to him Blessed Lord what might thy ends be in thy fatherly chastisements oh that thou wouldst discover it and rather let this affliction abide continue yea be increased and augmented what thou wilt rather then that the corruption should not be discovered and purged out which requests were still continued Then was the Lord pleased in some measure in answer hereunto to discover those things following to me which I know not but that he might much aim at as might not the Lord have some respect to thy want of pity and compassion to one in misery Might not the Lord lay his hand upon thee though not in that kind nay were he not righteous if he should lay the same stroke hast not thou deserved it as wel as she might not the Lord do it to call thee home and quicken thee from thy sloth deadness dulness and the estrangement of heart that was so fast a growing between thy soul and the Lord O blessed father saith my soul let my corruptions be wrought out and thy poor creature quickned Was not thy heart and affections exceedingly running out from the Lord to the creature oh blened be that stroke that cals thee back so that this work were but done by it The third day of the eighth moneth being much oppressed in spirit with the thoughts of the dishonour that would come to God and scandal to the Gospel by the sad falling of one of our brethren and the fear that is upon my heart touching him The Lord was pleased to draw out my heart this evening to beg of him to discover to our souls in generall and to my soul in particular what his ends were in gathering this poor handful together telling him I hope he did not do it to make us the instruments of his dishonour to the world and withall I was put upon it I verily beleeve by the spirit of the Lord in that same day to reflect back upon my own soul what my ends were injoyning in that communion and as I was pressing the Lord to shew me why or to what end he had directed me to joyn in that societie telling him withal that surely my desires were to attend upon direction in it and that if any other thing what ever did byasse my spirit in the act that the Lord would please to discover it to me whereupon I begged of the Lord that he would help me to examine my heart about it and that if I were byassed by any wrong respect that the Lord would convince me of it and humble my soul deeply for it and pardon it in Christs blood now O my soul deal impartially in this work of examination in this thing and spread it before him This Letter was given to Master Knight what to seek the Lord about upon the ninth of this Moneth 1653. Dear Sir SAthan having often beset my soul to endeavour to keep it from a present participating in this holy ordinance upon several pretences and having again now attempted it I durst no longer keep his counsell but in the imparting of it I crave that help of your prayers at the throne of Grace that the Lord would be pleased to disappoint him in all his vices that wherein he seeketh to do me hurt
this hand of his in a lively manner quicken up my spirit and cause it to work up lively in his presence 2. Yea he did by it give me a clear sight of the workings of my own heart of its desire at the last to be fully resigned unto him and be wholly at hisdispose more then ever before yea I found my desire to be wrought up unto that pitch to seek his glory first in all things 3. Yea the Lord by this means drew up and drew out my heart to a longing earnest and vehement desire to be led and guided by him in all his wayes telling him that I was such a poor foolish weak creature that I was not able to go one step in any of my wayes natural or spiritual without him and therefore seeing that he had promised to guide the simple and lead the weak that he would now in an eminent manner appear to be my guide in all my wayes even to the death and not at any time leave me to my self or the vanities and allurements of this world the temptations of Satan or the wicked corruptions of my own heart I being so ready to be drawn aside by them and therefore begging again and again to be kept by his mighty power 4. Yea I had through this occasion a renewed token from my God Father filling my heart wâ—th such joy and confident expectation of his appearance even before the duty wherein I sought it of him was ended which made me beg of him to encrease and keep up my faith and not suffer Satan to cause a damp in it causing me any more to distrust his love who had so largely manifested it from time to time to me 5. Yea did not the Lord shew me how righteous it was with him that I who had so often rashly said that did not trouble my headvvith these things though I then saw it not the Lord shewed me that it was righteous with him that I should now not only have my head troubled but my heart also so that all along the Lord was pleased to outvvit Satan so that what he thought to have made a snare to intrap me in the Lord made as great an advantage to my soul as ever any administration was The next Lords day being the first of this 11th Moneth 1653. being filled in the morning with very sad thoughts and apprehensions of my own darkness and deadness and the like beseeching the Lord that it might be no bar or hinderance to his appearance to my poor soul that day but that he would appear so much the more by how much the darker I was for by so much the more would the glory of his grace shine forth upon such a a dark creature O how gloriously did the Lord appear this day in answer to these desires and that in a lively unexpected way in guiding Mr. Knight in his Sermon which was now fixed upon John 3. 19. to begin with it that day that suited me for I did onely expect as himself had formerly intended that he should only hold forth the sadness of their condition who love darkness more then light but when he came to meditate about it he could not as he told me afterwards get over the first words of light coming into the world the Lord drawing out his heart that day to treat wholly about Jesus Christ being sent a light into the world to enlighten poor dark creatures which came in so seasonably and sutably upon my poor heart that I cannot but much admire the grace of God in it The next day being the eighth day of the eleventh moneth and the Lords day O how gloriously was the Lord pleased to appear to my poor distressed soul in answer to its desires and groans before him making use of our dear Pastour as the instrument of his conveyance even throughout the whole service of the day the truth is I am not able to declare the goodness of the Lord to my soul at this time O that I could admire it for I cannot express it what seasonable truths refreshments counsels and directions the Lord was pleased to hint out to me this day A Copy of some desires which I spread before the Lord which were offered up upon a day of Humiliation THere is one who desires a share in the Petitions that are this day poured out in the spirit to the Lord beseeching him that as he sent his own son into the world to be a light to those who sit in darkness and to guide their feet in his wayes that he would be pleased to make him appear to be so to their souls by undertaking to be their guide and leader in all their wayes and to that end that he would be pleased to reveal his will more fully to them go in all their wayes before them and inable them cheerfully to follow him but at no time to go before without him or stay behinde him This was in relation to my self and my present condition desiring still to see the Lord more clearly going before me Upon the reading this Bill in my behalf they seemed all of them that read it to be exceedingly taken with it reading it over and over again and pausing upon it finding it to take much upon them upon which my wicked heart being too ready to swell how graciously was the Lord pleased to cast in such expressions as these upon Mr. Blake's heart which after some time pausing upon it he uttered which did much abase my spirit It is an easie matter said he to speak and present fine words in papers and in prayers but if we should now enter into a serious examination of our own hearts what we have done towards the attainment of these things which we thus desire that the Lord may be petitioned for perhaps our hearts may charge us of much hypocrisie and neglect therein in matters of bodily sickness and pains we do not onely seek the Lord but we observe all means that we can for cure and try all Physicians and the like but have we done so for the attainment of these spiritual mercies or no vve could be content perhaps if God vvould do it vvithout us and our pains in the serious consideration vvhereof hovv sadly did my guilty heart fly in my face though not in reference to this present desire I must confess yet in reference to many other desires that I have formerly spread before the Lord for the subduing of pride and passion and other corruptions vvhich I vvould gladly have subdued and yet in my course I gave too much vvay to them and set not so strict a watch over mine ovvn heart as I onght as I desire the Lord to help me to do O my soul hovv graciously vvas the Lord pleased to appear this day being the second day of this tvvelsth moneth through Mr. Knights Ministry at Westminster Abby as a God hearing prayer yea ansvvering thy desires as to those petitions put up over night
even over his own people as if they were the most blind and deaf of any 22. You are a people robbed and spoiled and Prisoners 23. But who saith God wil give ear hear for time to come 24. Who gave Jacob for a spoile and Israel to the robbers did not I the Lord he against whom we had sinned for they would not walk in his way nor were obedient to his Law 25. Therefore he poured upon him the sury of his anger and the strength of Battel and set him on fire round about yet he knew not and it burned him yet he laid it not to heart A sad senceless estate under such a hand of God poured out with fury and anger and yet behold in the next Chapter how full of grace mercy and kindness the Lord appears to such a people as this I say Behold and vvonder at the admirable Expressions of love that immediately follow upon the rehearsal of this Isa 43 which is brought in with a but. V. 1. But thus saith the Lord that created thee O Jacob and that formed thee O Israel Fear not Why what could such a people do but fear if once made sensible of this their rent and miserable estate But behold how the Lord comes in to support them notwithstanding all this saith he I have redeemed thee though thou be robbed spoiled and imprisoned Yet fear not I have redeemed you I have called thee by thy Name thou art mine Oh what words are these able indeed to comfort a poor soul in the saddest hour Thou art mine what I might the soul say one on whom thou hast poured out thy fury and anger not by drops but poured it out both fury and anger what am I thine what I Though I have been set on fire round about and that by thee too and been burnt yet I have been altogether insensible of it and so not laying it to heart and what am I thine O incredible love Thou art mine and what then I will proceed to give thee a further testimony of it 2. For When thou passest through the water I will be with thee yea though it be through a River it shall not overflow thee yea when thou walkest through the fire thou shalt not be burnt nor shall the flames kindle upon thee A clear demonstration of love But what is the reason of this How comes this to pass Why I am the Lord thy God thou art mine yea I am thine and not only thy God but thy Saviour and that thou mayest believe it the better I gave Aegypt for thy ransome and Ethiopia and Sheba for thee Yea thou art not only mine but thou art precious in my sight and hast been honorable and I have loved thee therefore will I give men for thee and people for thy life for no other reason but even because I loved thee One would think where so much love is manifested there could be no room for fear but the Lord who knows how apt his poor creatures are to be jealous of his love addeth yet further Fear not for I am with thee and will gather thee from all parts even every one that is called by my Name for I have created him for my glory Well may the Lord summon all the Nations of the Earth to produce such manifestations of his love as these are and give witness and testimony to it or else saith he let them believe this and say it is truth You are my witnesses saith the Lord of my dealing with you of old will they not testifie to thee the truth of this that so you may out of former experiences of me believe the truth of what I now speak for I am he what ever hath been done of old for you it is I am he that did it For before me there was no good nor after me shall there be any I am the Lord and besides me there was no Saviour our is there any that can deliver out of my hands I will work and who shall let it Yet farther to confirm their Faith the Lord boweth down and tells them 14. Thus saith the Lord your Redeemer For your sakes have I brought down the Caldeans c 15. I am the Lord your Holy One the Creator of Israel your King as if the Lord should say All that I am I am as thine for I am thy Holy One and thy King and thy God and thy Saviour and the like 16. Thus saith the Lord that maketh away in the Sea and a path in the mighty waters What wilt thou fear that hast such a King such a God such a Redeemer to be thine that can make a way in the Sea 17. Which bringeth forth the Charret and Horse c 18. Remember you not the former things nor consider that of old as if the Lord should say Have you forgotten what a mighty God I am how gloriously I appeared for you at the Red Sea making a way for you to go through and drowning of your Enemies remember you it not Must I be fain to put you in mind of my old love to beget new trust confidence vvhy then fear not but roul upon me for the time to come 19. For behold I will do a new thing now it shall spring forth I will even make a way in the wilderness Rivers in the Desart this work shall be so glorious 20. That the very Beasts of the fiâ—ld shall honor me the Dragons and the Owles because I give drink to my people my chosen 21. This people have I formed for my self they shall shew forth my praise O blessed for ever be the Lord that hath undertaken this work and put an issue to it oh Lord let it be so then Oh what glorious things are here proceeding from Gods heart but when he comes to look upon his people and their frame of spirit he findeth matter of sad lamentation which is brought in with a sad black But. 22. But thou hast not called upon me O Jacob but again thou hast been weary of me O Israel thou hast not brought me the small Cattel for Burnt-Offerings nor honoured me with thy Sacrâ—fices I have not caused thee to serve with any Offrings nor have I wearied thee with Incense 24. Thou hast brought me no sweet Corn with Money nor filled me with the fat of thy sacrifiâ—…s Then comes in another sad but But thou hast made me to serve with thy sins thou hast wearied me with thine Iniquities I even I am he that blotteth out thy Transgressions for my own Names sake and will not remember thy sins as if the Lord should say When I look upon thee I see nothing but provocations and I am weary to bear it nevertheless I will blot out thy sins though not for thine yet for my own Names sake and will not remember thy sins and that he might yet hold to all more abundant expressions of love he addeth in the next verse spake put me iâ— remembrance a blessed word
those that are his subjects from whence we were farther exhorted to look out what it is that we have that is everlasting telling us that wives and children and estates and the like they are not everlasting they and you must part Oh therefore do not reckon these everlasting but if you have a Christ or grace c. that shall be everlasting if God hath begun any good work in your souls that shall be everlasting your infirmities weaknesses corruptions they are not everlasting they shall die and wither and Satan shall shortly be trod under your feet though Satan and sin hath domineered and made a stir in thy soul yet it shall not reign for ever there but grace shall raign by righteousnesse to eternal life therefore though your pains be great troubles sore temptations many yet know they are not everlasting and this may much comfort the Saints yea if Christ raigns this may comfort the Saints that their afflictions shall pass only from Christ not from the sons of men not from the world nor Satan nor the Law without him no nor the restlesse motions of your hearts that often misgive and terrifie you your judgement shall passe from Christ whose Throne is for ever and ever O my soul how abundantly hath the Lord bovved dovvn to refresh as vvell as convince thee this day the Lord grant it may abide upon thy spirit and help thee to live continually to his praise The 29. of this 9. moneth I sought the Lord to appear to my poor soul and speak some seasonable word that might be for my spiritual advantage and truly though I was disappointed of him that I expected to hear yet did the Lord by our btother Lemall hand out a most seasonable word to my soul which I desire may abide which was not to quench the spirit which the Lord did really convince me that I had often done even of late which I desire the Lord would help me against and make this a blessed word to the end unto my soul The 30. day of this 9. moneth the Lord drew out my heart that morning to beg of him that he would please to prepare my heart to meet with him and to manifest his presence to my poor soul through his Word that it might be a blessed season wherein my soul might enjoy communion with himself and that to that end he would please to remove out of my soul whatever might make me unfit to meet with him desiring much in my heart and endeavouring to expresse it before the Lord that my heart might once be gathered out from all things here below and sixed only upon himself and Jesus Christ and that there might be something added to this work this day And O my soul how gloriously did the Lord appear both for thy conviction and comfort in sending his messenger as if it were on purpose with an errand from heaven to my soul It was a stranger that preached this day and the Subject he was upon was the lovelinesse of Jesus Christ Canticles 5. 16. He is altogether lovely whence he fully cleared that there was nothing below Christ that can be lovely or desirable and vvhatsoever could be desired it is abundantly in him from vvhence the Lord did really convince me of my folly in suffering of my affections to run out so strongly on such vain objects and so little on my Lord Iesus Christ and in the close speaking by vvay of comfort he had this passage That vvhen ever any poor soul did come into the presence of the Lord in prayer or hearing or any ordinance vvith a desire to have such a corruption mortified though for ends best knovvn to the Lord he may for the present suffer it in him yet vvould he record it in heaven as if it had been mortified for said he it vvas in the desire of that poor soul and though I suffer it yet I look upon it as if the soul had mortified it really and so for all other gracious desires the Lord looketh upon them as his and as done though never attained as he did Abrahams offering up his son Isaac and therefore he leaveth it upon record to posterity that he did offer him up though yet he did not do it because it vvas in his heart and intent to do it had not the Lord prevented vvhich together with many other pretious hints the Lord was pleased to leave with me this day which I beseech him to blesse me and make me to improve them to his praise and glory The second day of this 10. moneth I sought the Lord that he would be pleased if he saw meet to add one other day to me to vouchsafe his face and presence to me and give my soul some sight of him and prepare my heart to meet with him emptying out of it what ever might unfit me to come before him after which there fell a great damp upon my spirit considering that I had only in a formality sought this of him but could not expect that he should continue alwayes so graciously to a poor soul as I had begged of him being such an unworthy unfruitful creature that did so little improve all his appearances but O my soul how gloriously did the Lord break through all thy unbelief and go beyond all thy expectations in providing a most blessed glorious and seasonable word for thy soul answering the desires of thy heart also on the behalf of his servant that was to speak in his name this day shining forth gloriously in and through him insomuch that himself did bless the Lord for his appearance that day for which blesse the Lord O my soul and oh that all that is within me could blesse his holy name Oh the sensible truths that were hinted to my soul this day which I desire of the Lord I might never forget which were hinted from Psal 45. 7. from which our Pastor sweetly opened the love of Christ to righteousnesse which love he shewed us was that that made him lovely to God and to his Saints Now that he doth love as he shewed us appears in that this love to it was his very nature and therefore he is called the righteous and the Lord our righteousness yea it appears in that he hath through all kind of difficulties fulfilled all righteousnesse therefore with desire I have desired saith he to eat this passeover that so he might be ready to suffer and so to satisfie divine justice which is one part of his fulfilling righteousnesse yea he shewed that he loves righteousnesse in that salvation that he hath vvrought for us meriting by a full satisfaction to justice that so justice might glory in our salvation as vvell as mercy for hovvever wereceive all by grace yet Christ wrought it out by justice and payd a full price for it which shewed his love to righteousness and justice so that what ever God hath promised believers in his word it is a merited promise that Christ hath bought and paid
any time been spoken to me in way of comfort by Mr. Love who onely was acquainted with my fears it tooke no hold upon me at all nor abode upon my spirit save only in the minute it was spoken for the truth is I was then too remisse in taking notice or observing the passages of Gods providence towards me not being able then to beleeve that it was indeed a work of God upon my soul which since through grace he hath been pleased more evidently to declare Then coming from thence to London much about the year 1645. being now a little instructed in the notional knowledg of many points in religion I had now a new temptation besetting me in this manner that if I would but walk more closely with the Lord and make more conscience of all known duties whether hearing prayer meditation examination c. That then I might more comfortably look up unto the Lord and also find in my self divers qualifications annexed to several promises which might much comfort me which work I began to set about indeavouring to tye my self strictly to it and according as I was able desiring the Lords assistance and withall making him many promises that if he would make out love to me I would be and do thus and thus But upon trial finding my self to fail in every thing sometimes through temptation to neglect or put off duties for a time which was occasion'd many wayes sometimes being in company I could not well leave or the like all which weighing in my mind did stil augment and increase my trouble finding this strict course though yet I could not keep close to to be a burthen to me with many such wicked thoughts whereby I came to apprehend my self as it were still farther and farther from heaven and happiness in all which time I could find little ground of any comfort unless taken from my desires which I could not apprehend constant neither But indeavouring still to go on in this poor way of performances I had some smal comfort finding as I thought some qualifications in my soul which were annexed unto divers promises where-upon I was somewhat at the present stayed and began to gather up some tottering hopes of the goodness of my condition from Mat. 11. 28. and such like Scriptures Then living near unto Mr. Love and the Presbyterian government being then about to be set up I had much strife in my self whether to joyn with them in it or no and so to partake of the ordinances whereby I might come to have my interest in the Lord Jesus Christ sealed up unto me being exceeding fearfull lest if I should slight or put off such an opportunity it might be laid to my charge another day that I had it offered me but would not accept of it so that at last I resolved to joyn with them and partake of the ordinance that so I might come to have my graces strengthened and my corruptions weakened and also come to enjoy more communion with Jesus Christ which I had some weak distracted though no abiding hopes of Thus having been before the elders there examined somewhat touching my knowledg c. and the time of administration of the Lords-supper drawing nigh I indeavoured for some dayes before in a serious and solemn manner to set my self in the Lords presence beseeching him to fit me for it together with the examination of my own heart both touching my duties and graces as also touching my sins and wants which I desired a supply of still begging of the Lord in all this time of my trouble that he would not give me over to a deceived heart what ever he did with me so as to think better of my condition than indeed it was but that he would please thoroughly to discover my condition and heart to me and thus with some smal hopes yet mixed with a great deal of fear I did that time partake of the ordinance the which I had no sooner almost done but Sathan begins to suggest to me that I had now eaten and drank my own damnation in receiving that whereto I had no right through so many fears and doubtings in my own spirit and that therefore now in stead of receiving strength I should be everyday more and more hardened and have my damnation sealed up to me instead of my salvation But pausing here a while and considering that I had indeavoured to do my duty according to my knowledg and power in examining my own heart what my ends aimes desires and wants were and according to my ability desired the Lord to make it a strengthening and sealing ordinance to me indeavouring to satisfie my self with these and such like thoughts that my desire was to serve and walk with the Lord though I could not do it thus I continued between hope and fear about a moneth space intending not to partake of the ordinance the next time fearing my self not to be fit for it finding my heart as I thought in a very unfitting frame but manifesting this intent to some friends they put me upon these thoughts that the way to be fit for duties or ordinances is not to neglect them as also relling me that if I were unfit for that ordinance I was as well unfit to live and therefore that was no just plea thus being troubled yet fearing to omit it I again partook of it where the Lord was pleased through the ministery of his word that day to hint out to me that amongst others there were two sorts of men that might safely and comfortably partake of that ordinance as 1. All those that had longing desires after the Lord Jesus Christ 2. All doubting fearing Christians that come with doubts fears to it it being ordained of God to be a strengthening sealing ordinance c. which though it afforded me some smal refreshment for the present yet did it not abide but my trouble still continuing yea increasing being thereby unfit for any earthly imployment and yet weary of duties reading and writing c. In which I spent my chief time Yet thus going on in a road of duties and performances sometimes finding some affection and assistance and sometimes not which when I did find in any measure Oh! how was my wretched heart ready to be puffed up and rejoyce in it and began to think that now I had done somewhat and that surely now the Lord would hear me but beginning to consider more seriously what I had done indeed and how many wandering thoughts and distractions had passed by me and that any wicked wretch in the world might do and did do as much as I and yet the Lord never regarded them I began to be exceedingly troubled that such wicked thoughts should arise in my heart imagining that it was just with the Lord for these wicked thoughts to blast all my desires which I really conceived he did Then considering that the prayers and all the duties of the wicked are abomination and things
why art thou disquieted within me hope thou in God The Lord setting this home with much power upon my spirit at this time having been all the vvinter deprived of the enjoying of any publick means the Lord I say setting this Scripture so home upon my spirit I began at last to reason thus vvith my self and to demand of my soul the reason of this my trouble the Lord being pleased also to put me upon the veiw of some Sermons of Mr. Marshalls and others vvhich I had formerly heard some expressions in them being brought to my mind vvherein I found several answers to many things vvhich I alleaged as the ground of my trouble I vvas also by the Lord I hope put upon a review of that little book called the Marrow of modern Divinity vvhich I had formerly read vvith much trembling vvith a secret perswasion in my heart that those vvere real truths though formerly I neither could nor durst fully close vvith them vvhich two means did through the blessing of God at the present somewhat settle and quiet my turmoiled spirit Then in the beginning of the year 1651. going into the Country and staying about a moneth vvithin 4 or 5 miles vvhere Mr. Stevens exerciseth having heard of him I had a great desire to hear him which also I did 3 or 4 times with much content he being one of those times upon Gal. 3. 8. The Scripture foreseeing that God would justifie the heathen through faith c. Where he shewed us fully that God did not justifie the righteous but even heathens ungodly men which word added somewhat to my comfort only I could not say I had faith and this stumbled me again Then coming to Colechester and resting only one Lords day there I heard Mr. Archer who by the providence of God was then upon that Scripture in Joh. 16. 8. Where the Lord promiseth to send the spirit that it should convince the world of sinne and of righteousness where he fully shewed that it was the office of the spirit to convince humble sinners of an all-sufficient righteousness in Jesus Christ thereupon stil labouring to take men off from all dependence upon their own righteousness or any thing in them or done by them which I now found I had been very guilty of telling us also that all those duties graces or qualifications that we so rested upon were not the righteousness of Christ c. therefore too scant and narrow to cover any soul at which time I must needs say I do really beleeve that the Lord was pleased to strike the first and great blow to dependence on my own actings although I had yet much confusion and trouble in my spirit concerning this thing being yet very dark in the understanding of it But in this short time of my being in the Country the Lord having in some measure thus begun as it were to speak a word of comfort to my poor soul I was strangly in my own thoughts I hope by the spirit of the Lord put upon the desires of communion with the people of God according to the Gospel and so upon the search of the Scripture according to my poor measure to that end accompanied with the experience I formerly had of that way called the Presbytery which I was now very much unsatisfied in which dissatisfaction was at the present only grounded upon the practice of them who walk in that way finding them generally so full of wrath bitterness clamors and evill speaking even of Brethren which I conceived not to be a Gospel-frame of spirit compared with those who practise the contrary which was much set upon my spirit to be more sweet humble and Christian like as also a way for more growth and establishment being more full of love which the Gospel is so full of and watching over one another c. Which I now saw I stood in great need of and therefore much desired finding my spirit then much drawn out to seek the Lords direction in it beseeching him more and more to clear up to me in what way of worship I might most honour him and meet with and enjoy most of him as also when and where I might so joyn begging of him also with much and earnest desire to fit me for it Then coming home again my trouble renewed to think how my lot was cast in such a place where I had little society that I could reap any benefit from and under his ministery which I continually found very unprofitable to me at last making this known to a friend how dissatisfied I was to hear him she advised me to go hear Mr. Knight which accordingly I did about Midsummer 1651. who through the assistance of God did fully lay open the free and abundant grace of God to poor creatures who see their lost and undone condition out of Christ through whose ministery the Lord was pleased to go on to convince me yet farther and more fully of my great unbeleef and deafness to Jesus Christ which had wrought so many sad troubles upon my spirit being convinced of which I would gladly have closed with Jesus Christ and relyed upon him having nothing to say against it but only my own wretchedness which being so often and fully by him answered I had at last nothing to say but only that I was so over-power'd with unbeleefe that though I would have closed with Jesus Christ gladly and with all my soul yet I neither durst nor could do it as I then thought Then having heard of the meeting at Mr. Knights house we went thither towards the end of Aug. 1651. being about a week before the fight at Worcester at which time they applyed themselves much to speak to the present condition of the Nation and the godly in it but after some time frequenting this meeting and finding much refreshment and satisfaction from it about a moneth or two at the most after the Lord was pleased to draw out my spirit exceedingly to spread my condition before the Lord and also crave the prayers of his people in that meeting in the behalf of my troubled soul and accordingly though with much repulse in my self I wrote a paper wherein I did acknowledg before the Lord that having been convinced of my wretched condition I did thereupon labour and strive to walk more close with the Lord c. Which being no wayes able to accomplish I durst not believe or go to God as a father but being in some measure convinced that I was all this while out of the way not being yet thoroughly convinced of the righteousnesse of Christ but going about too much to establish my own righteousness I did then desire their prayers that the Lord would be pleased to reveal more of his mind and will in Jesus Christ to my soul and enable me to deny my self and rely wholly upon him and having a fit opportunity of privacy coming there before any other company I laid it down upon the table and it
the Lord would be pleased to pardon all the unbeleeving workings of my corrupt heart and those hard thoughts I had had of God and that he would please to give in such clear visions of himself as might mightily increase my faith which desires of mine were spread before the Lord that day But having received at this time some little refreshings from those instructions the Lord was pleased then to communicate by Mr. Knight from Heb. 12. 5-13 From which Scripture I was also convinced that in most of the chastisements the Lord had seen meet to lay me under I had either despised his chastisements or else fainted under them the Lord I say having this day broke in thus upon my heart by his spirit through his word the Divell soon begins again with me taking this opportunity I having set my self and endeavoured to lay my heart to the word and see what comfortable grounds I could take up that the Lord had indeed afflicted me in mercy c. The Divell now begins to indeavour to puffe up my spirit with a conceipt that I was able to speak more in this kind than many others who were at that time also by him presented but through mercy this did not passe many days before the Lord sadly shewed me my folly and weakness herein for a little while after there was an other day kept to which meeting I went and truely after I came there the Lord set home these wicked thoughts together with severall other things which wrought so upon my spirit that my heart was even overwhelmed within me in so much that I could not keep it to my self but was constrained to discover it by my carriage which Mr. Knight taking notice of spake to me after the exercise at which time I was so farre from that ability that Sathan possessed me with thoughts of that I was not able in any measure to speak my heart to him but was as it were one whom the Lord had given up to a dumb spirit and thought those three words which was all that I could then speak were through a meer mistake sadly mis-construed by him yet had I not power to speak one word to clear my meaning supposing it might possibly be that the Lord had something to speak to me even through that mistake there was also this day a word set home very much on my heart from something Mr. Milborn noted to us which also added much to my sadness and it was this that I had prayed and prayed again and again but when I had done I never looked after the returns of them having never yet any experience made out to me that I durst acknowledge this or that to be a return of my prayer nay though the Lord had given in a mercy that I had begged of him I was still for many years tempted to beleeve that it had been so though I had not prayed and so it was not given in as an answer to prayer which did much eat out the sweetness of those mercies which I did enjoy in so much that me thinks I do now even stand and admire what it was that did at that time support my spirit carry me on in a continued seeking of God being not able then to record an answer of prayer at all that I can bring to mind However the Lord had been pleased before this time to give me many gracious answers to my poor desires yet were mine eyes withheld from seeing them to be so and taking the comfort thereof untill a long after yea sometimes some years after some of them were given in which yet afterwards the Lord was pleased to make out unto me even before the writing hereof But after all this the Lord by the acts of his providence seemed much to crosse these hopes and desires of his people in joyning in fellowship together which when I heard of it was a great trouble to me who greatly desired the accomplishment of it sometimes thinking that it might be even for my sake alone that the Lord had done it Other times being tempted to think that if it had been the Lords acting to work up my spirit to that pitch that I thought I found it wrought up unto then he would also have gone on to have perfected my desires but being again inabled on the other side to reason thus with my self that it is my duty to wait patiently upon the Lord and submit to him as well for the time as for the matter I indeavoured the Lord assisting me to quiet my spirit with such thoughts as these that the Lord might delay it in much mercy that so I might be the more fit for it when he shall please to accomplish it apprehending that surely he saw me not yet fit for such a mercy then did I again turn to the Lord and thus desire to submit to him begging of him to fit me for such a mercy and if he saw it good to afford me the mercy here if not that he would direct me where to joyn that might be more for his glory and my soules good Thus was the Lord pleased to go on well nigh a quarter of a year still coming in with more light and discoveries of his love to my soul and clearing up to me more and more that work which he had begun through his rich and free grace in my Lord Jesus in whom I did now desire only and alone to be found and not in any of my own righteousnesses who had now inabled me to see to be very lothsome and abominable though formerly I had too much doted upon them Then in the third moneth in the year 1652. Mr. Knight being gone into the North the Lord was pleased by a meer providence as I desire to look upon it not knowing as yet but that I may also say as a return of many of my former poor desires to send Mr. Rogers to the meeting at Mr. Knights house having preached one Lords day before at the Chappel at Hammersmith which occasioned very strong and earnest desires in me to hear him again which now I did the Lord directing him this time to speak unto us concerning Church discipline which I was yet very dark in which the Lord inabled him to give me very much and great satisfaction which otherwise I have cause to fear I might more inconsiderately have rushed upon Thus was the Lord pleased I hope in answer to my poor desires yet farther to clear up this way of his to me proving it clearly to be the way of the Gospel and that which every one ought to be fully satisfied in before they enter upon This being now more cleared unto me my desires and longings after the enjoyment of God in this Sion grew more strong and earnest I continually mentioning it before the Lord. After this really I cannot tell but that I should rob the Lord of his glory in this particular if I should not also acknowledg him further by my poor
into my spirit to beat me off from that pitch of faith which I then found my spirit breathing after viz. that where the Lord gives such great strength of faith or any other grace he gives also as great trials and that therefore if I had the one I must expect the other also and so should not only be a means to pull down sorrows afflictions and trialls upon my own head but also in lying under them and so sadly dishonour God as now I do which at the present did somewhat take of the edge of my affections and weaken my former desires untill the Lord was pleased to discover to me that it was a meer temptation whether from Sathan or my own heart my deceitful but subtle enemies to skare me with such fears which temptation the Lord was pleased to enable me to overcome with grief that I should in the least parly with it and again to renew my former desires and withal to beg his continual presence with me in all whatever trialls and conditions he should bring me under that he would keep me from dishonouring him under them and manifest himself to me through them and then to do with me as seemeth him good A few dayes after as I was one Evening writing a letter unto a dear kinswoman of mine who at that time lay under some sad dispensation from the Lord whereupon I took occasion to urge that promise upon her in Rom. 8. 28. And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God c. which whiles I was indeavouring to presse upon her the Lord was pleased to cause it to fall with mighty power upon my heart which was set home upon my spirit not only as that which I should rest upon and expect the performance of but as that which I had had much experience through all the dealings of God with me to have been continually made good so that the experience which the Lord had given me of his dealings with my soul for many years in all the afflictions and exercises I had lyen under whether in body or mind in loss of relations or comforts c. yea the very withholding â—he light of Gods face which is life it self â— did restifie to the truth of this word having been all of them by the Lord brought and wrought about for my good the Lord enabling me to cleave the closer to himself and take the faster hold of him from the consideration of all which there fell this farther hint with some weight upon my spirit that it should also be even so with me in respect of those corruptions that I was still pestred with and groaned under But there being yet especially at some times many confused fears upon my spirit which I could give very little reason for upon the second day of the eleventh moneth 1652. being the first day of the week the Lord was pleased yet further to appear with a very seasonable word to my soul vvhich did much refresh it it vvas thus Mr. Knight being in the afternoone in his ministery at Fulham upon that Scripture in Heb. 2. 1 2 3. stirring us up to hearken diligently to Jesus Christ and not to let any of his words at any timeslip out of our hearts whence also he took occasion to comfort the people of God upon this accompt that Christ should think their eares worthy of hearing his voice that he should not always send his messengers nor make use of instruments but should often rather as it were chuse to speak himsel at which words the Lord was pleased to touch my heart and to make it sweetly to melt before him with joy to think that Christ should thus speak to my soul as I now saw he had done by him 2 years before vvho vvhen he had visited me vvith that sore loss of my dear parent and cast me and my Mother both upon our sick beds neither of us being able to speak to each other yea when no friend or creature either could or did indeavour to speak a vvord of comfort to my poor soul which vvas in a most sad condition for vvant of a clear sight of God under all these dispensations of his towards me vvho having as it vvere by his own hand as I now really beleeve he did shut up and stop'd all other mouths yet that now the Lord Jesus should choose to speak himself as I found he had done in some measure supporting my spirit vvhich vvas ready to sinck and give up under the heavy burthen it lay both of the sense of guilt and wrath all vvhich being put together Oh! hovv did the sight of his love both melt and chear my heart Then did the Lord also the next day being the second day of the same vveek bring to my mimd and thoughts those vvords that are recorded of Job in Job 9. 11. vvhich after I had paused a little upon contrary to my intention or thoughts I vvent on still reading though but in a briefe quick vvay being straightned of time for it vvas late in the Evening but I took a view of the vvhole book of Job untill I came to the end of it and the thing in general that vvas hinted to me and fell upon my spirit from the whole vvas this that none of al Jobs friends vvho indeavored to speak to him could neither hint out a vvord of comfort or of conviction to him in this sad estate none of all their vvords taking hold at all upon his spirit untill God himself came to speak and then one word of God doth it making him cry out Job 40. 45. Behold I am vile what shall I answer thee I will lay my hand upon my mouth Once have I spoken but I will not answer yea twice but I will proceed no further and again Job 42. 5 6. I have heard of thee by the hearing of the ear but now mine eye seeth thee therefore I abhorre my self and repent in dust and ashes that was as I conceive when God spake which caused me strongly to reflect upon mine own heart thereby calling to mind how many instructions convictions and comforts have been from time to time for many years past by several friends and servants of God held out to me which never took any hold at all upon my spirit but when God himself will take in hand to speak he can bring things past and gone quite back again as he did the Sun upon t he Dial of Ahaz 2 King 22. 11. and bring them fresh into memory and cause the soul to see his hand and work in all and so to abhorre it self for those abominable unbeleeving thoughts and jealousies of God that have been upon its heart when as the Lord hath as it were took all opportunities to beget in the soul good and honourable thoughts of him Then hearing this same night that Mr. Simpson was next morning being the third day of this week to begin his lecture in Friday street
66. 16. 1 Tim. 1. 13 14 15 16. Act. 22. there was also suddenly after this presented to me as one thing that the Lord might aim at in this touch of his even to mind me that I had not that degree of compassion or fellow feeling as I ought of that affliction which in some respect in the same kind though in a greater degree lay upon our Sister Arnat by reason of a great feaver and doubtless there might be something in this though I should also wrong my self should I not acknowledge much and continued working in my heart for and towards her which oft occasioned me to spread her condition before the Lord according to my poor measure But upon the 25 of this 11 moneth in the night I had little or no rest by reason of the great distemper which lay upon me and really I do not well know wether the distemper of my body or my mind were the greater but both meeting it lay somewhat heavy upon the flesh which thought it self ready to give up under it but my thoughts being continually working I found in my spirit a great natural reluctancy against death which seemed at times as it were to approach often thinking that it was not possible in natural reason that I could continue untill morning yet said I nothing for fear of affrighting my Mother yet had I also between times a great desire together with a kind of perswasion that for all this I should be enabled to hear Mr. Knight next morning whose turn it was to preach at the Chappel at Fulham thus I say finding in my spirit some kind of reluctancy at death of which considering a little it being that corruption which I thought had now been in some good measure crucified but finding it still to work up was no smal trouble to me which together with many other fears that lay upon my spirit as that I should not be inabled to sanctifie the name of God or honour him under this affliction which was indeed the ground of my trouble at the approach of death and if I know my heart in any measure that only which I resolved in my self to declare to some friend I should meet at Fulham next day if the Lord should please to enable me to go and so beg their remembrance at the throne of grace but being enabled to consider better of it I was given to see that it was nothing but a meer temptation to distrust the power and love of God to think as if he should now bring me into that condition that he would not carry me thorough whereupon I was enabled to gather up my spirits a little and in some better measure to submit to the hand and will of my Father which I was now assured should certainly end in his glory and my good and to this end I was now also enabled again to call over that blessed promise in Rom. 8. 28. That all things shall work yea work together for good to them that love God c. which promise I had often found by experience had been made good to my soul and was therefore much troubled that any distrustful thoughts should arise in me concerning it divers other promises also before mentioned were now brought to my mind and wrought afresh upon my heart which did exceedingly refresh my spirit so that the first refreshment which I found was in my spirit and after that was a little quieted I had a little short slumber and did the Lord so farre mittigate my bodily distemper as that it did not hinder me from that blessed opportunity next day though accompanied with much bodily weakness But upon the 2 day of the 12 moneth 1652. I found my distemper of body much abated in so much as I thought it was now quite gone but that very night was the Lord pleased to return yea to heighten it constraining me to keep house certain days whereby I perceived that this work upon my soul was not yet accomplished nor I fully acquainted with his mind and will in it which was some trouble to me whereupon I again besought the Lord to acquaint me with his mind and will in it and to sanctifie it unto me giving me an heart to submit to whatsoever he had yet further to lay upon me in which I also sought the prayers of his people upon the 6 of this moneth But upon the seventh day of this moneth Providence offering some occasion whereby I was put upon the thoughts of parting with my Aunt Dogget who was upon remove into the Country with many thoughts there abouts which were now brought to my mind which occasioned such a heavyness to possess my spirit upon other accounts also which came in to adde to the other in so much that I was even as it were overwhelmed with it untill I was enabled to vent it before the Lord at vvhich time he vvas pleased to discover to me that this vvas meerly to return as it vvere from the Lord to the creature for comfort and support as if he vvere not able abundantly to make up in himself the vvant of such a comfort and relation if he savv meet to deprive me of it the thoughts of vvhich did much grieve me then did the Lord also shevv me hovv I had continually provoked him in this kinde by leaning upon such poor reeds and diging to my self such poor pits such broken Cisterns as could indeed hold no vvater and in the mean time too much neglect him the fountain of living vvaters Jer. 2. 13. Yea while I was thus pouring out my soul before him and lamenting my miserable and wretched folly he was pleased also to cast my thoughts upon that part of Scripture I find recorded in 1 King 11. 9. How the Lord was angry with Solomon because his heart was turned from the Lord God of Israel which had appeared to him twice even so I saw the Lord had just cause to be angry with me that I should thus again return to the creature and as it were make a God of it yea after such eminent appearances of his to my soul The same day did the Lord bring to my mind that severe threatning against Moab who had been at ease from his youth and was setled on his lees who had not been emptied from vessel to vessel neither had gone into captivity and therefore his taste remained in him and his sent was not changed Jer. 48. 11 now finding this given by the Spirit of God as the reason why his sent remained even because he had not been emptied c. I could not but stand and wonder what reason could be given of the corruptions in my heart whom the Lord had not left at ease but had often emptied from vessel to vessel as it were trying alwayes and means with me and yet that I should still savour so much of the earth and of the old man and should still so incline to depend upon an arm of flesh 2 Chron. 32.
want of grace for look in the book of God and there they that make the greatest moane over their own hearts and their want of grace they are the most eminent of all other as we see in Paul and David this I speak saith he not to encourage any in a careless lazy way but to comfort drooping spirits and the rather because there is no way under heaven so like to make you really holy as to be emboldened thus to go to Jesus Christ and the soul seeing what full and free grace comes from Jesus Christ the love of Christ would constrain the soul to walk holily and thankfully towards him thus knowing there is all fullness in Christ as in the head for the use of all the members then accordingly as soon as ever you find any defect in your selves in any kind to interrupt your comfort and peace let the next question be But hath he not sufficiency for this then betake to Jesus Christ as suppose a poor woman were going with her pale of water which she had drawn out of a well or living fountaine and on a sudden had a slip and spilt it all out of her paile and there sitteth crying to think what she had lost now whether were it better or a sign of more wisdome for her to stand gathering up of that which she spilt or to go and dip her paile into the Well again and so fill it presently surely the last were her wisdome so when we lose our peace and our comfort we ought to be humbled but to think to recruit our selves by our gathering up that which we have lost this is not our wisdome let us go to Christ our well-head and make it up presently From which the Lord did indeed convince me much of my folly having been so long at work to scrape and gather up somewhat of that I had lost neglecting Jesus Christ where was fullness then did the Lord by this servant of his mightily provoke us to a diligent study of Jesus Christ to bend our mindes heads and hearts and all to come to know what ever there was that was knowable in Jesus Christ and that from the consideration of the excellency of this knowledg above all other knowledg yea further what soever you learn of Jesus Christ you learn but to understand your own wealth and know your own happiness for instance imagine two men coming by some delicate house full of rich treasure and an officer should stand by and say Sir are you willing to see all the riches of this house haply you will say for curiosity sake we care not if we do but if he comes to one of them and sayes Sir all that is here is yours you are made whole executor and it is all bequeathed to you oh how would this man search the house how he would study every deed and every word in it and search every cabinet and get an inventory of all that was there why for they are all his so when we see the wealth rarities of others we say but what do they concern me or if I should see the wealth of Solomon what am I the richer but when I see the wealth of Christ I see my own riches Oh my soul the Lord grant that this may be thy study day and night here indeed is the difference you should make between Christ and others when I hear and read the excellencies of other Saints it may be a discouragement as when I read of the patience of Job I am discouraged because I am so peevish when I read of the holiness of David who prayed seven times a day and many times in the night rising to prayer this discourageth me but when I read of Christs patience or boliness I look on him not as abstract from me but as my head as one that all he did was for me oh then who would not but know what is knowable of him But then again did Christ do all he did for us then surely every thing yea all that a Christian hath should be for Christ and then should we shew our selves Christians indeed as Paul 2 Cor. 5. 14 15. for saith he the love of Christ constrained us for we thus judge that if Christ died for us then were we dead then we that live should live to him that died for us the love of Christ overcame him and carried him captive as a strong stream would carry a little cockboat what was I dead and did Christ give me life then if by the grace of God I live I will give that life to Christ never do you live like a Christian till you come to this to live wholly to Christ in all that you have and do enjoy your estate Trade and in all your outward comforts and it s most certain that to a gracious heart there is no Rhetorick under heaven will more prevail to the performance of a duty or to the avoiding of what is evil then to perswade to the one or to forbear the other by the love of Christ this drawes out the heart to be liberal for Christ and serviceable to Christ oh how full did these convictions come upon my heart the Lord having but just before been pleased to give in a portion of the outward riches to me which wrought so upon my heart and made me greatly to desire and beg of God that whatever I had or enjoyed might be wholly improved for Jesus Christ and for the advancement of his glory The 18 of March Mr. Knight being under some bodily distemper not being fit to preach my heart was drawen out to go to London to hear though with some bodily prejudice not being very well and the weather falling out wet yet did the Lord provide a comfortable and refreshing word for my poor soul both from Mr. Simpson whom I heard in the morning as also from Mr. Rogers whom I heard in the afternoon Mr. Simpson spake from that Scripture Ephes 1. 6 7. verses The 23 of March 1652. being the fourth day of the week did the Lord go on yet further to speak many comfortable rrefreshing words to my soul from Mr. Knights ministery who then spake to us from that Scripture in 1 Joh. 4. 19. We love him because he first loved us whence was observed That as love beaming out from God to his people takes them up into union with himself so this union occasions the reflection upon that divine love whereby we love God again so that being beloved we love the first lover which is God There are two things very pleasing to gracious hearts the one is to take a view of God in his rich love the other to veiw our selves intrested in that love For the first all sights of God are glorious because his glory passeth through all his discoveries but no sight more ravishing then that of his love and no love like his distinguishing love with which he loves his people whereby he makes them both loving and lovely for
the beauty of a Saint is the beam of his love and the lustre and glory of that love is that it springs from his love who loved us first And here he shewed us that in these words we had a loving and beloved disciple of Christ taking a due survey of the fountain of all saving operation to be in God himself and secondly that from the light of that divine love he looks into his own and other beleevers hearts and finds a strange reflection of the divine beam of love from God in his and their loves to God again In the first was shewed the glory of the person loving which is God secondly the manner of his communicating of all saving good it s through love and then the object of this love us and lastly the priority of it he loved us first where was further observed that this is a communicative nature in the goodness of God it is not drawn forth but puts forth it self in love that there is nothing in the creature to procure it neither can any thing in the creature hinder it whiles we were yet enemies he reconciled us by the blood of his cross This love in God is a nature not a passion And all he hath and is and doth to beleevers issues through his love his wisdome power all is communicated through love so that we were taught First that the Saints are the blessed ones of God Secondly they are beloved before they love Thirdly that they that are beloved of him do love him Fourthly that they love him because they are first beloved And by Application of these we are taught First to be like our heavenly Father in love yea in loving where we are not beloved this was a singular thing required of the Saints especially to love mens souls the stream of divine love it runs in the salvation of mens souls it loves to be like God Secondly let no man glory in what he is what hast thou that is not an issue of this love this love makes the difference between thee and others be not high minded but fear Thirdly consider your ingagements to divine love you owe all you have and are and all you shall be to eternity to this love of God Fourthly we were exhorted to look out for as much as love could yeild us love in man sets the whole soule a work to search for some suitable thing that may best please its object so God takes up the best wayes to make the glory of his love shine most clearly towards us and therefore unvailes it in the face of Jesus Christ as also fifthly we were exhorted to walk answerable to this love First humbly it is a free love that is the spring of all we have and are Secondly look into all your wayes to see what fruit this great and glorious seed of love brings forth in you Thirdly be transformed into love that you may be lovely as well as beloved Fourthly as you look into Gods first love so look into your own first love abate not of your love to him for he abates not what he ever was that he will be unto you Fifthly if the Saints are beloved let me take heed of abusing Gods beloved ones his darlings Sixthly walk chearfully you are beloved from above what if the servant frown so the Master love Give God your first love Give God your self in your lives not onely your duties but your selves for God gives you in his love not onely your pardon and gifts and graces but himself Be not jealous of God he loved first Be like God be first in love to the Saints look not for love to your self but be lovely to others Love first and that will draw love God liveth where he loveth he loveth us first then God liveth where he loveth as the creature is said to do if God loveth us then he is said to live within us and that continually and therefore as sure as God liveth there is a reall heaven in the heart of the Saints for as God liveth in heaven so he doth in the heart of his Saints therefore say not who shall go into heaven to see God but if God loves thee and his heart be set on thee there is that lovein thee that shall see Gods love to thee which is a heaven to the heart Is Gods love to you then look for asmuch as Gods love can afford now what will not love afford to a mans wife or children it contenteth them not that they have meat drink apparel but that they have that which is suitable to their relations and condition in this world now all in God issues through his love therefore oh Saints raise your hearts to look for as much as this love can afford so as your hearts may stand and wonder at the height depth and length of the love of God Oh how should your hearts rejoyce ye live not by what you have but on what is in the heart of your Father oh therefore go with open mouths and enlarged hearts to him for if he can find any administration that may most fill and satisfie your hearts look for that because he thought no blood could satisfie you but his Sonnes blood Because he thought no gift like that of his Sonne oh therefore let not your hearts be straightned do not content your selves with little things and say oh if I can but scrabble to heaven I care not but remember in what relation you are set even under the beams of divine love therefore look for as much as this love affordeth you Oh how abundantly did the Lord refresh my spirit from these precious truths thus hinted out to me and still he goes on confirming my soul in the apprehension of his love which doth in some measure cause my soul to turn back with love to him again which the Lord increase The second of March 1653. having appointed a Church-meeting every Wednesday after the lecture at Fulham and it being now to begin and the brethren being put upon it to exercise their gifts the Lord was pleased much to draw out my heart to beg his presence and pouring out of a large measure of his spirit upon the brethren fitting them for this work taking speciall notice of one of them whose spirit did melt before the Lord into tears in the apprehension as I conceive of the weight of the work which I confess took much upon my heart and drew it out very much to seek the Lord on their behalf as also that it might be a blessed opportunity to all our souls The 28 of March how many sweet refreshments did the Lord hand out to my soul which I desire may abide upon my spirit through Mr. Knights ministery at Fulham from 1 Cor. 11. 24. Take eat this is my body that is broken for you this do in remembrance of me from the word take there are seven considerations full of abundant comforts as they were set upon my heart as First here observe
Christs heart and see with what bowels of affection he speaketh how freely himself offers the riches of mercy take why what or whom should we take but himself possess himself thus he standeth calling and crying take me love me receive me eat me drink me let me be yours oh high love he doth not bid the soul take wrath vengeance death or hell but take me Secondly his commands are more to pleasure you then himself why should we take Christ why this is my body that was broken for you my blood that was shed for you take me for your own sakes for you need me to refresh your hearts therefore take me not that I shall be the better by it but that you may have more pleasure and delight in me that may do you all good oh high love Thirdly observe Christ sees our need better then our selves there are bowels of compassion in him what for a man that enjoyeth much to look out for them that want much yet so it is here you have not the disciples crying oh Christ give us thy self and blood but here is a Christ who having it and knowing that we stand in need of it offers it freely take oh admirable love Fourthly observe he is not content till you be fully supplyed he setteth no bounds but take and eat as much as your hearts will hold take what who le me all of me my spirit blood mediation with the Father all my righteousness take all he stinteth no man but opens wide the treasure of his grace Fifthly observe hence Christ is well acquainted with the fears of his Saints hearts therefore saith he take imploing as if the trembling heart would say O Lord I dare not these things are too great and good I know thy fears saith Christ but I lay a law on thee that wil make thee give over all for this law comes with power take and eat he bids you take and that on pain of disobedience to Christ when Sathan and sinne and corruption say eat not then remember what Christ your Lord saith take and eat and hearken not unto the voyce of of a stranger if any say eat not Christ sayes eat though the fears are great and the tremblings many that are on a gracious heart yet still Christ biddeth them take and eat Sixthly Christ knew the Saints would tremble on the point of unworthiness therefore he saith take eat why what is it but my body that is broken for you will you throw away that which is for you but you are unworthy why this is that which maketh you worthy because this is that out of which issues out all righteousness to you and though they may cry out they were unfit he commands them to remember how fit Christ is for them for whom is bread fit but for them that are weak and need nourishment for whom is that wine but him that is of a sorrowful heart for whom is that act of Christ but for that soul that cries Lord I am unworthy thou shouldest come under my roofe Seventhly he saith take which is a giving a man a propriety and possession of himself and this is that indeed this ordinance gives forth when a man so taketh Christ as that Christ is his take eat this is my body that is broken for you shewing that the Saints ought in the communication of this divine mystery to take Christ wholly by this to claim propriety because nothing can be more ours then a thing that is given us and we sinne against him if we take him not O therefore take him as your own He saith not onely take but eat you take in order to eating so that your acceptation of Christ is that you might be satisfied with Christ and filled for he is not onely to gaze on as the brasen Serpent was but to feed on as the manna was therefore saith Christ take and eat rendring himself in the most easie way of administration nothing under heaven a man is more easily drawn to then to eat a hungry man need not be much perswaded to eat yet behold here First That you had need to be intreated to eat and feed on Christ else what need this word but to note that the Saints were apt to stand still when they should be feeding on Christ therefore saith he take and eat Secondly This is of all other the most easie way of partaking being a natural act for that a man eateth putteth him to no pain yea the pain within is supplyed the hunger satisfied Thirdly He setteth no bounds but take and eat it is a command that lyeth on us for the supply of wants and the cheering of our hearts for so farre we may eat and no further Christ bids you take what you need implying 1. That there is enough in Christ for any Saint to eat else it would not become Christ to bid them but he saith take and eat implying that no Saint can say Lord I have a desire to eat but here is not enough they cannot say I have sinnes and guilt but can find no pardon no Christ bids you eat implying there is enough to feed on 2. He setteth you no time neither but eat as long as you live yea untill his coming again O how abundantly did those hints take upon my heart and even swallow up my soul in the admiration of that love the Lord grant it may abide upon my spirit for ever March the 30 the Lord was pleased in some measure to give in an answer to that desire put up March 25. for the pouring out of his spirit upon the brethren through whom the Lord was pleased to appear lively in my apprehension and in a spiritual manner in him whose spirit seemed to melt under the thoughts of the weight of that exercise March the 30 the Lord was pleased exceedingly to draw out my heart in the behalfe of my Mother whom I apprehended to ly under some sadness in respect of the want of the clear sight of her interest in God beseeching him that he would be pleased to wean her more from the world and all things here below and that he would be pleased to manifest himself to her and let down the light of his countenance upon her and shew her his face and not his back that as he had been pleased to shine upon my poor heart and the hearts of others of his Saints through prayer so that he would also be pleased at this time to let this request come up in remembrance before him and give in a gracious answer to it as also that he would be pleased to pour out his spirit upon her and let it be a spirit of grace and supplication in the sense of the want of which her spirit groaned for before him as also under the sight of her unprofitableness under all ordinances beseeching him that as it was he and he alone that causeth his people to profit so that he would please to give out to this his
to enable him to make out yet more clearly that work that he had wrought in his soul if indeed there were any or else give us such a discerning spirit as might teach us what to do in it that if it were his will there might no soul come in among us that might any way darken his glory but that those that were received might be such as himself by his spirit should receive nor none be detained but such as himself should by his spirit through his poor servants detain as also begging of the Lord and that with much earnestness that if there were no real work of his upon his heart that he would be pleased to find out some way or other in his wisdome to keep him off April 24. 1653. was the Lord pleased graciously to convince me yet further of my sinneful passion and aptness to be angry either without a cause or upon a light ground and so to dishonour the Lord which conviction was set home from Mr. Knights expression of Mat. 5. 22. I say if you be angry with your Brother without a cause you shall be in danger of judgement and whosoever sayes to his Brother Racha which word expressed their contemning of their Brethren that is to have contemptible thoughts of them this is a greater evil for this is in danger of the Councel but whosoever shall say thou fool that is one that hath no understanding but is even as a beast this is in Christs judgement an hainous sinne for saith he he shall be in danger of hell fire From all which the Lord was pleased to set it home upon my heart that I had been exceeding guilty even to this day in a great measure of those evils which conviction I desire may abide upon my heart to make me through the strength of Christ more watchfull over my own heart in this respect then ever I have been There is one conviction more this day set upon my heart from these words if thou remember thy Brother hath ought against thee he doth not say if thou hast ought against him but if he hath ought against thee do thou seek reconciliation yea leave not till it be wrought out from which the Lord not onely convinced me of this my duty and told me I should not suffer any prejudice to lie in my heart against any but also much comforted my heart under the sight of this as that which through grace I found the Lord had really wrought in my heart and enabled me daily to practise The same day the Lord was pleased in the ministery of his word to convince my soul that it is not the performance of duties at set times this is not all required but when the soul is indeed pained under the sense of its want of inlargedness to Christ and the like that it cries out as the infant after the breast is not satisfied with any thing without it but the soul panteth within it self and wanteth some manifestation of Christ and this putteth upon duty from which the Lord was pleased to convince my soul that I had been sadly guilty of the misperformance of duty in this respect many times Which put my soul upon a search into it self whether I were not guilty in this respect after which I found I had been often guilty of the misperformance of duties doing them many times especially heretofore without this strong panting and sense of my want April 27. Oh my soul art thou not able to say through grace before the Lord the searcher of hearts that there was hardly that word came out of thy mouth or that action done by thee in any place or company that passeth by thee without a reveiw judging and condemning thy self for them The beginning of May though I can find little fruit or growth in my soul the sight and sense of the works of God upon my soul are as it were drawn over with a cloud yet even then oh my soul hath not the Lord much refreshed thee by enabling thee in some measure to roul upon that gracious word which hath been at seasonable times brought to thy veiw that in Hos 4. 8. I am as a green firr-tree in me is thy fruit found now this tree is alwayes green Doth not the Lord sometimes disappoint the expectation oh my soul even of the sensible enjoyment of his own presence in a duty or ordinance or society that he might the more sweeten it to thee when he is pleased to appear and the more to draw thee out to seek his appearance and to cry mightily after him O my soul why shouldest thou say thou canst not find love to God when thou dost so frequently and restlesly desire the presence and appearance of God in every ordinance and duty if it be not for his own sake why doth not my soul sit down and rest contented with the ordinances themselves Two papers were given to Mr. Knight to present before the Lord at a private fast at Fulham Chappel in the behalf of the nation May 4 1653. 1 One who continually groanes before the Lord under the sense of the body of death and the continuall issuing of it out in the whole course of their conversation to the dishonour of that God that deserveth for ever even by their souls to be admired and praised being a God that delighteth in mercy and in the manifestation of it to their poor souls notwithstanding all their rebellions against him the desire therefore of their souls is that you who love and feat the Lord would improve your interest in him in their behalf that the Lord would once be pleased to give them more power over all their corruptions that however he sees meet to deal with their bodies though he wounds yet it is he that heals though he layes sickness weakness distempers whatever he please upon them that yet he would please to give them more strength in their inward man to subdue and mortifie their corruptions and resist all the fiery darts of Sathan enabling them to walk with an holy awe and fear of his blessed self in the whole course of their conversations in all their relations and under the dispensations of God to them that so if the Lord please they might never prove by their uneven conversations any blot or blemish to the glorious Gospel of God and their Saviour Jesus Christ the thoughts whereof was if their hearts deceive them not more bitter then death 2 One who earnestly desires that those who fear the Lord would wrestle mightily with him in the behalf of some poor dead dark soul who is nearly related to them that the Lord would once be pleased to speak so effectually to their hearts that they might be caused to stand up on their feet and Jesus Christ might give them life that seeing he hath said the dead shall hear the voyce of the Sonne of God and hearing live that this blessed word might be made good to their soules that so they
even for the full accomplishment of his own promise who hath said sinne shall not have dominion over his that are not under the law but under grace as also that he would tread down Sathan under his peoples feet shortly which my soul desires to wait upon him for and in the mean time desires to blesse his name and that you would blesse him together with me that he was pleased to open any fountaines of love and mercy in this vale of teares so abundantly fulfilling to my poor soul that word of his which he was pleased no sooner to set upon my heart with a perswasion in some measure that it should be made good rouling though weakly upon him for it but that he was pleased so to do indeed that word I found Isai 56. 19. When the enemies shall come in like a flood the spirit of the Lord shall set up a standard against them for which I desire to blesse his name beseeching him that those impressions that he was pleased by his spirit through several words of his to make upon my heart might never be forgotten by me but that they might continually be as supports to my poor weak faith that it may grow from strength to strength even till I shall meet my God blessed for ever be that God that was pleased to know my poor soul in this hour of temptation and to take this poor lame soul and lead and carry it of being not able to go one step in any of his wayes without his hand but that it getteth one knock or bruise or other yea blessed for ever be that God and Saviour that will not suffer his poor creature to slip as he doth others but was pleased in rich mercy to be ever awakening my poor drowsy spirit by one affliction or another the thoughts of which do much refresh my spirit and seemeth at present a special token of his love for which I desire to blesse him and oh that I could praise the name of that God and Father who is the Father of all mercy and God of all consolation for truely I must needs say I am perswaded Sathan had not now been let loose to buffet me thus had I not been so sleepy and drowsy in spirit but blessed be that rod that awakned my poor soul from the sleep of any sinne so that the Lord will but please to work it out which I desire to wait on God for I should for some respect have forborn this duty of praise but that the Lord hath let in the clear sight of this mercy as also lest I should prove ungrateful for so large manifestation of mercy though all I can do in it is a meer nothing the greater is the goodness of God that bowes down to accept such broken praises which I have cause even to lament over having too little spiritual life in them when as in truth my whole soul and body should be a holy and lively sacrifice to God which the Lord inable me to do to that God whence all my enjoyments come in whom I desire to rest your unworthy but in desire and hope real friend for my Lords sake FINIS THE SECOND BOOK OF Manifold Experiments Of Gods dealing with my Soul in hearing Prayers and other gracious incomes of Love THe Lord was pleased to help me very much in this search by Mr. Knight who spake from this Scripture at Fulham the ninth of this ninth Moneth In the 12 of Luke 42 43. from which he shewed We have the Lord setting out the blessednesse of that servant that is faithful in the work that his Lord intrusteth him about and whom his Lord when he comes findeth to be so doing as he appointed Now O my soul what comfortable hopes canst thou gather out from the serious examination of thy own heart upon this point that the Lord hath made thee faithful though thou art poor weak and unworthy every way to be the servant of such a Lord what canst thou say to this hath the Lord indeed made thee faithful Ans 1. I gather some hopes of it that the Lord hath made me in some measure faithful from that sincerity that the Lord hath put into my heart to aim purely at his glory in all I do in this world the contrary to which causeth much bitterness in my spirit yet through the prevalency of the unregenerate part in me I am many times byassed and carried aside to aim at other things in many of my wayes but the glory of my Lord is my principal aim For if I know any thing of my own heart through mercy I do find it set to seek the honour of Christ and to walk in wayes well pleasing to him though I do too often sadly wander from these intents and desires which was discovered to be the real burthen of my life 2. In that the Lord hath been pleased to put into my soul I hope a real desire te do his whole will and therein to appear faithful daily desiring and begging of him that I might not at any time in any command of his be found consulting with flesh and blood but that as soon as ever he discovereth his wils in any thing whatever to me that he would also inable me to obey it readily Finding the Spirit of the Lord I hope oftentimes breathing in my soul after this manner Lord if thou wilt but discover thy minde will to me in all my wayes that is it I beg of thee and though it be never so contrary to flesh and blood yea though I can see nothing but that it is laid out for to afflict me and to be a trial and exercise for me and so have nothing to induce me but thy will yet Lord if thou wilt but discover thy minde in it to me what would I then beg of thee but onely a ready frame to yield obedience to thy will and leave the success sanctifying of it to me to thy self and if on the other side I think any mercy to be never so good or for my advantage yet if thou seest meet to discover to my soul that thy will is not in it would I not then if I know my own heart beg above all things to have my will to be wholly swallowed up into thine Lord And this hope is grounded in some measure upon the abundant experience the Lord hath given me of his goodness and mercy and abundant kindness in his often denying me of my will 3 I hope the Lord hath in some measure made me a faithful Servant in that he hath set my soul upon the watch to know his minde and will indeavouring and desiring to keep my eye upon him and him only that I might see what his minde and will is who hath said that he will guide his by his eye which causeth my soul though with much weaknesse not onely earnestly to desire but also to indeavour to reflect upon all my motions and actions and thoughts and words in this
world to see with what countenance my Lord looketh upon this and the other action being I hope desirous I am sure if my heart deceive me not to see the will of my God in every promise providence and administration 4 The Lord hath made me faithful in that he hath put into my soul this earnest desire that my ends in all I do might onely be to seek the advancement of him my Lord whom I desire only to serve daily begging of him I might no more live to my self as I have too much and have too long done yea when I finde any thing of my self or self-ends to appear or break forth though but in the buds is it not bitter to my soul and such as imbitters the best action to me though otherwise never so good And this desire of serving the Lord I may upon experience say I finde to differ not only from that slavish fear that is in others I will not say so though I suppose it to be true also but from that slavish fear that did too much predominate in my own poor soul which did in the time of my bondage cause me to fear rather then love him but now the Lord hath in some measure been screwing up my obedience to an higher note or pin that it is now to a Lord and Father whom at last I would love And I do also lament before him in the sincerity of my soul that I can love him no more who have so much loveliness in him yea nothing but loveliness yea it is a service of a Lord who wills all and maketh the law and maketh it to be just because he can do no evil and I would I could continually meditate upon this his will but this is it I daily press after and mourn under the want of the clear sight of this that there should be so much fear in my heart concerning the issue or event of any thing wherein my Lord shall be pleased at any time to declare his will to lie in Further discoveries of Faithfulness 1. Faithfulness appears in the reality of the heart serving the Lord with all the heart soul and strength and so faithfulness in prayer lieth not in the pouring out of words though with some affection but doing it with all the heart soul and strength and a full exercise of every grace to the utmost in every service I do for Christ And O my soul is not this that thou daily pressest after though thou canst not fully attain unto it what else maketh thee to mourn over thy prayers and duties but that thou findest no more of thy heart and strength in them Is not thy constant desire that all thy soul and strength might be offered up to God in every service thou doest him 2. They are faithful servants of Christ that do all they do in order to a trust from Christ who intrusteth them with his Ordinances with their health wealth comforts injoyments all I have is but a trust from Christ now to be faithful is to improve this trust to God to do all the good that possible I can by his Ordinances to do every service to him as they that indeed exercise a point of trust he intrusting me with his glory in this world faithfulness is to make the utmost advantage to raise up his glory in this world make him appear great And so faithfulness in improving all the graces that God and Christ intrusteth me with by improving of them to make the utmost advantage for him and so for health and all outward comforts Now O my soul hath not the Lord written this in thy very heart that all that ever thou hast and enjoyest both spiritual and temporal whether ordinances graces comforts all thy enjoyments that thou hast by trust from Christ and must be improved for him and not spent upon thy self or this world and doth not the thoughts of this make thee daily mourn before the Lord that thou canst not improve them better that he hath so little revenue of glory from thee and by thee but that so much of his stock lies as it were dead and unimproved doth not the sight of this cause thee to mourn daily before him that he should intrust thee with so much and receive from thee so little Now O my soul doth not the thoughts of this make thee cry daily out to the Lord beseeching him to reveal his mind will to thee how he would have thee improve this or that other mercy or trust committed to thee and not onely teach thee his will in it but also help thee to improve it to his glory continually Yea O my soul is there not a continued fear upon thy heart which causeth thee often times to pour out strong cryes before the Lord that he would help thee to give him the glory of all the mercy and good things he betrusteth thee with at any time as also that there might never be found in thee any backwardness or unwillingness to give up thy trust in any thing whatever into his own hands when ever he sees meet to call for it which seemeth to note a further degree of faithfulness Further discoveries of Faithfulness at the same time 1 Faithfulness appears in the generality of it when a man is faithful in all that he hath though all that he hath be but a little and truly herein I have great cause to lament before the Lord for in the stead of being faithful in all that I have there is much unfaithfulness in me that appears in all that the Lord trusteth me with and yet O my soul maiest thou not also say that there is some degree of this faithfulness or at least a desire after it in thee and maiest thou not say By this law of thy Lord as Paul doth of the Law of God in general With my mind I even my self serve this Law of God in faithfulness though in my flesh I do too often rebel against it which is my daily burthen from which evil in thy own time deliver me oh my God and this I desire to wait for 2. Faithfulness appears in being faithful notwithstanding all difficulties that accompany them in their services Now O my soul hast thou not abundantly cause to give glory to God that hath been pleased to make thee thus faithful in any degree or measure in this respect who by his own hand power hath carried thee through many a reproach and scoff and scorn and by words making thee like Isaac who was still persecuted by Ishmael and hath not this been thy Lot by some ever reproaching thee scoffing deriding thee backbiting speaking evil abundantly of thee and yet falsly doing their utmost to bring thee out of favour with those whose love thou highly prisest and have reason for it And how did the Lord make thee to lie down under this when others taxed thee of hypocrisie and the like to search thy own heart and bemoan before the Lord the
so much that I offend any Relation as that I grieve the spirit of God in all my actions and in all my Relations in this world I hope that my soul is in the first place set to serve my Lord in the duties to them as that which he requires and my be for his honor if done rightly and though I do often transgress the commands of my Lord Jesus yet I trust I do not make it my work but it my daylie burthen 2. My desires and daylie grones before the Lord are that I might be wholly devoted and given up to Jesus in my whole inward and outward man and I would that all my poor parts and strength and time yea all my inward and outward Talents should be improved in his service wholly how often doth my soul breath before the Lord after this manner Oh Father is it not long enough yea too too long that I have been too too much at Satans beck and the worlds yea and mine own Oh that it might be thus no longer and that I might no longer live to my self or seek or please my self in any thing but that my whole soul may be set to please my Lord Jesus is it not my daylie burthen that I have too too much sought and served my self both in natural and spiritual things that I have had too many self-ends and designes which the Lord crucifie fully for my Lords sake and as for the service of the world if I know any thing of mine own heart it is my daily desire prayer and indeavour to throw the world wholly out of my heart That I might not do any service any longer to sin or Satan and if at any time they do get any little from me how grudgingly and repiningly is it done yea is it not the grief of my soul that I have had any expectation or desires after any thing in the world or of this world that my eye is not wholly and really upon Jesus Christ for expectation provision and all what I need 3ly Though I have a wretched heart that hath and still would be picking its work thinking that other servants of Christ they have an easier work and go through this world filled filled with the joy of the Holy Ghost yea and have their cups of earthly blessings overflowing and hereupon my wicked heart hath been carried disorderly to long after and wish for such a condition and think that I had a hard portion to be always afflicted with inward and outward distempers and weaknesses trials in bodily afflictions of most sorts and invvard vveaknesses infirmities temptations of divers kinds and in high degrees suffered my name especially for my desire to walk in the wayes and services of my Lord which my wicked heart thought very hard and to this day is too ready sometimes to murmure though through the goodness of my God it hath not the power or strength that it hath had yet the very rising of it causeth my soul still to beg strength against it and a thorow victory over it begging daily a submissive frame of spirit to the will of my Lord in all things desiring no more to pick and chuse my condition and work but begging the Lord to chuse for me who knoweth what is best for me and if he seeth meet that I should serve him in the fire of affliction inward or outward that he would but subject my heart to his wil sanctifie that condition to me and do with me what he please 7ly Doth there not appear some degree of faithfulnesse in thee in that thou lovest most whom thou esteemest to do most for Christ and daily mournst that others do no more for him then thou doest is it not a continual burthen to thee that thou canst do no more for Christ and art imployed no more by him Maiest thou not say safely before the Lord who knoweth the truth of it that thy heart is not taken with any creature in this world what ever it be and if upon any yet upon no other account whatever but only as they are servants to thy Lord and what ever their other adjournings were whether beauty or parts or riches and honour or whatever none of all these did to thy remembrance advance any creature in the esteem of thy soul 8ly Wouldest thou not gladly O my soul be putting on others yea and bless the Lord if he would please to inable thee to this work that seeing thou canst do so little for him thy self that he would inable thee to spur on others to do more for him then thou canst and is it not thy burthen that through one temptation or other thou art so much prevented in this blessed work also To what end else are thy words and writings to others and continued begging of their remembrance of thee before the Lord 9ly Is it not thy daily grief that both thy self and others move so slowly in this work to see men lose their first love and walk not so rightly and faithfully with Christ as formerly is not this thy daily grief and burthen and that which sometimes even overwhelmeth thy spirit 10ly O my soul doest thou not desire continually to blesse the Lord that he hath made thee his servant to serve him in any work for what art thou that the Lord should chuse thee out to be his servant when he might have taken others that might have done more service yea doest not thou bless the Lord O my soul more in that he hath made thee his servant then that he hath given thee riches or honour or esteem in the world are these any thing in thy eye in comparison of being made his servant did not the Lord bring thee to that pass before he appeared in way of comfort to thee to make thee beg of him upon thy knees that thou maiest but be made a servant of his whatever else thou underwentest though thou shouldest be made as the off-scouring of all things or forced to beg thy bread in this world yet that thou mightest but be his servant 11ly O my soul maiest thou not say that infirmities are more afflictive because impediments in the service of Christ then because they are afflictions upon thee art thou not more troubled when sick weak in body minde or understanding because these unfit thee for the service of Christ then becaus weak sick or low in esteem of others Lord thou knowest there is much trembling upon my spirit about this whether I may say this before thee or no but if it be not thus with me O Lord I beg of thee to work this frame in me for it is that I desire to presse after daily and am grieved that I am no more clear in yet methinks sometimes it is in some measure evident to my soul that the defects that accompany my service are more grievous and burthensome to me then the want of success of comfort though sometimes I am quite dark as to the clearing of this
hovv gloriously vvas the Lord pleased to unvail the Lord Jesus Christ to thee as a Physician to poor sick souls vvhich discovery of him as it vvas very glorious so most suitable to the present estate of thy spirit being as I trust I may truly say sick of its self of all its vvayes and doubts and failings to all my relations conversations and O hovv svveet and seasonable vvas it novv to hear of such a Physician as he was gloriously held out to be from that 9 Matth. 12. and for the other suit in causing my soul deeply to fall in love with him and to be really taken off from all things else even for this I desire to wait until the same Lord shall please to give in as gracious an answer which I trust he will also do in his due time And for those requests put up this morning I could not but acknowledge that the Lord was pleased greatly to bow down and give me a sensible token of his glorious and gracious presence through which that present mercy in prayer every word coming as it were from my very heart in both the prayers before and after Sermon being the very groans and breathings of my soul before the Lord and every word in the Sermon almost being as it were spoken from heaven to my heart so fully and in those very things that my heart was at that very time burthened withall and I thought to have vented to Mr. Knight our dear Pastor the day before which if the Lord had not prevented me in I really fear that I should not have had so clear and gracious a sight of God in this his appearance but should have thought surely he had spoken those things in relation to me but blessed be that God that ordereth things so as to give his poor creature a more clear sight of the riches of his grace even as a prayer-hearing God and all this notwithstanding the rebellions of my spirit even under the hopes of his appearances breaking out into that rash and sinful word being exceedingly wearied going up and down Westminster-hall and to White-hall and to and fro up and down then as I said did the passion of my wicked spirit cause me to break out into this foolish sinful expression saying If I had known this I would not have come out this day when as perhaps the Lords intent by it was to try me and make the folly of my heart appear to me and see how my faith could bear up against those discouragements and bodily trials for my body was much distempered and in this my walking up and down I had a pain took me under my side that strook through my brest to my heart that I looked every moment when I should fall down in the street as I went along and as I came back yet notwithstanding all this my rebellion and repenting of my journey was the Lord pleased not to do by me as righteously he might for he repented not of his intended kindness to me though I repented at my waiting upon him for it and though I was full of changes yet he changed not but when the Lord was pleased to bring me back again to Westminster and that in due time I was glad and began to recover my spirit again O how was my heart filled as it were with this exceeding appearance of the Lord and in some measure inlarged that evening to bless his Name who had so often appeared and to all added the mercy of this day manifesting self to be a God hearing prayer but O that cursed unbelief of my wicked heart that hath had so much and so manifold appearances of God and of his goodness and should yet trust him no more which also greatly drew out my heart to beg of him to crucifie my unbelief but I confess this was it that often gave the turn and draweth a cloud as it were before me even the mighty prevalences of corruption in my soul which maketh me often to cry out Lord when shall I see this body of death and sin subdued and crucified and my soul fully subjected to thee this being the burthen of my soul even then when the Lord shines forth most clearly upon my heart to think what an unsuitable frame of spirit is there in me to all those wonderful wayes of the Lord towards me that by all the sights he gives me of himself and his will I am no more changed into his likeness The 15 day of this twelfth Moneth at night the Lord was pleased exceedingly to draw out my heart to beg of him the rooting out of those corruptions issuing out of my heart to the creature and gathering of it up into him self and ordering my affections and the like as also being greatly drawn out to bless and praise him beseeching him to inable me to it to bless him for his answers so often given me to the importunate desires and requests of my soul when I had so often tempted him for it was not Israel only that tempted him ten times but I had often tempted him so that he might have righteously given that I begged of him and a curse together with it but I did now greatly desire to bless him that hitherto he had denied me in it beseeching him so to do still and subject my soul to him in all my wayes begging him earnestly that he would once work my heart to such assurance that I might be careful in nothing and in nothing thoughtful for or studious about any thing here below and to give up my self wholly to be at his dispose yea more then ever I had been to any bodily Physician beseeching him now that he would undertake to be my souls Physician and to cure me of those soul-distempers in my affections and practises let the physick be vvhat he vvill let it but be of his prescribing and to support my spirit under his hand and make it vvilling to submit to his vvill and then Lord do with me vvhat thou vvilt And novv father what are those requests that thou vvilt hear hast thou not said what ever we ask in thy Sons name thou wilt hear vvhy in thy Sons name I desire to come for J have nothing else to plead there is nothing in me but for thy Sons sake the Son of thy bosome and love who died for poor sinners such as thy poor vvorm is for his sake and in his Name J come unto thee and thou hast said whatsoever we ask according to thy vvill thou wilt hear Novv Lord is not this agreeable to thy will to be conformed more to thee and have my vvill more subjected to thee and my affections more placed upon thee O then Lord seeing thou saiest What we ask believing we shall have it Lord increase my faith help me to wait upon thee believingly The eighteenth of this twelfth moneth having been these eight or nine days last past somewhat distempered in body which distemper prevailing more and
were blessed discoveries given to judge our estate We were also instructed in all our present afflictions in this World still to remember it appears not yet what we shall be did you keep your eye on this how would it refresh you under all troubles Keep your eye then on Christ his appearances for there your fulness shall be But further to refresh the Saints they are at present the sons of God but know not the best of their estate you may be now under clouds and temptations but the best is behind it appears not now what you shall be And let this chear up your hearts The 8. day of this tenth month the Lord drew out my heart in the morning being the day of our Church-meeting to beg of him to go forth with us this day or else not to carry us out and withal That he would please to provide a blessed word a seasonable word for every poor soul that should in the sincerity of their spirit wait upon him that day and that he would please to speak some seasonable word to my soul that it may be a blessed testimony that his presence was with me begging also the pouring out of his spirit richly on them he should please to send to speak among us with much to this effect The nineth of this tenth month at night the Lord was pleased often to draw out my heart with some sence of his appearances as also my unfruitfulness under all former appearancs beseeching him to sanctifie all his appearances to my soul and help me to walk more watchfully and hearken more to the testimony of my own conscience in what ever I had done and not to sin against it with many such like desires begging this That as he had so sweetly encouraged my soul by these gracious hints the third of this month so that now he wovld please notwithstanding all my unworthiness and unfruitfulness yet to make good these gracious words of his wherein he hath said Sin shall not have Dominion over his people and that he would bruise Satan under their feet that he would never leave nor forsake them for which gracious blessed word of his I endeavoured to plead with him this Evening even upon the account of the full satisfaction the Lord Jesus had made to him that therefore these blessed words might be made good to my poor soul as also on the behalf of his servant our dear Pastor who the eighth of this eighth Month seemed exceeding sad which came with some power and sense upon my heart at this time beseeching the Lord if he had convinced him of any evil in him that he would also work it out of him and if there were any other oppression upon his spirit which was known to him that he would please to ease refresh comfort and fit him for the great work he hath called him to and also pour out his spirit upon him that he might have a real and sensible sight of the answers of those desires and that the Lord would please to direct him what and how to speak so as might be to the advantage of every of our souls who sincerely seek his face and presence And oh my soul how graciouslie did the Lord appear the next day being his Sabbath and gave in a gracious answer to these desires and gave forth far beyond them The 10th of this 10th Month being the Lords Day in the morning I sought the Lord for his most special presence in and with me this day that he would please to prepare a seasonable useful word for my soul and prepare my heart to meet with him that my soul might be enabled to bless and praise his Name for it and that he would please so eminently to appear that it might be written among the rewards of his love yea that it might come into my soul even as a special pledge of his love yea that he would please to pour out his spirit upon his servant and appear so eminently through him as that also he might be enabled to acknowledge it to his praise And oh my soul how richly and abundantly and fully did the Lord answer all these desires yea every of them in particular which were spread before him more at large then I am able to set down and truly the answers of them were much more large and full in which the Lord bowed down greatly even to the requests also to do more abundantly then I could ask or think and so he did begin even as soon I came to the Congregation filling my heart with great joy and expectation of his mercy from him even in the Psalm before Sermon the Psalm sung was Psal 22. 23. on which my soul joyfullie ran out and so both in Prayer and in Preaching how abundantlie did the Lord bow down and refresh my poor spitit and the spirit of our dear Pastor who in a most solemn manner again and again blessed the Lord for his appearances both in the dispensation of the Word also in the Lords Supper that was that day administred The Scripture spoken to us was Psal 45. 7. Thou hatest iniquity whence he shewed That Christ was lovely to his Saints for hating iniquity In opening hereof he shewed us what hatred was in man and what it was in Christ which as he said was not an action or passion but his very nature and will which putteth forth all his other Excellencies as his Power and his Wisdom c. to repel all that is contrarie to his Nature and Will which he further opened at large shewing us That all the object of Christs hatred was onely sin which is truly evil men hate that which they apprehend evil but Christs hatred is properly neither against men or Angels but only against sin and man onlie as he is under the power of sin and this hatred maketh him repel that which he hateth with all his power putting out all his Excellencies to the uttermost either for the destruction of sin in us or of us Thus Christ loved the nature of man and took it upon him yet when this love was turned into hatred by reason of the over-powering of sin which fighteth against the life of Christ and when this love of his comes to turn to hatred the hatred is the greater Now that Christ hateth sin appears both in the work of Redemption and Rejection In the work of Redemption when he comes to suppress sin in us he seemeth by this action to speak in this manner Rather then sin shall live in thee I will dye my blood shall rather go for it So in the Rejection the hatred of Christ shall kindle the fire of Hel about them But that Christ doth thus hate sin appears further by these things 1. By his dealings against it in the Creation Adam no sooner made but he falls and so boiling hot was Gods hatred against sin that before he gives him time for repentance or any parley he presently goes to his posterity
and passeth judgement upon him and them Dying thou shalt dye temporally spiritually and eternally and there shall be enmity between thy seed and the womans that most of thy seed shall take in with Satan and perish eternally How many millions perish upon the account of that one sin So the Angels they fell presently and irrecoverably for that one sin of pride though such glorious creatures who could do more then thousands of men and might have been so useful to the Church being spiritual had they stood who could immediately comfort when no other creatures could yea could have fed Eli ahs and Daniels yet these for that sin perished eternally 2. It appears by the way he taketh to repel it sin having gotten the Throne and poor man brought into a perishing condition by it and not able to oppose it now Christ hates it so that the contest now comes between Christ and sin and he will dye to destroy it 3. It appears by the dreadfulness of the doom of those that are over-powered by sin who are judged to eternal fite without pitty or recovery Then he came to shew us how lovely Christ is to the Saints for hating iniquitie And O my soul with what mighty power and weight did this fall upon thy heart As 1. He shewed us That Christs loveliness in this attribute arose from the unanimity and one-ness of mind between Christ and a believer in this hatred of his for as Christ hateth the sin but loveth the believer so the believer hateth iniquitie but loveth Christ so that the love of both persons center in one and their hatred in one and their love meeteth in each others person and their hatred also and that Believers hate sin so that nothing can breed more love then this doth Christ saith I hate Iniquity oh therefore hate it more ye believers yea pursue the life of it and I appeal to the Lord if I do not hate it with a perfect hatred 2. Christ is lovelie for hating sin because this attribute setteth all his attributes on work against all the Enemies of a Believer the poor soul hateth sin but is not able to deal with it but Christ so hateth it that he is able to conquer it Oh what a blessed sight of Christ is this that though the poor soul be over-powered with sin daylie yet that Christ hateth it and is engaed aginst it as hating of him So that now either Chriist or it must perish Oh what a lovely sight is this because out of this hatred of Christ comes the ruine of the souls Enemies Sin and Satan which seek thy ruine daylie But blessed be God that Christ hateth them and will certainly ruine them either he or sin must cown Oh what comfort is this that we poor creatures have in Christ that when we come even to struggle with sin and Satan Christ like fire will consume and burn them yea as he shewed this hatred was an act of Christs will and if he hath not his Will where is his God-head Therefore the quarrel is between the Will of Christ and the Will of sin I will damn thee to Hell saith sin and Satan But I will kill thee O sin and Satan saith Christ so as the quarrel is not so much for Believers persons as for Christs Wil and Christ will certainly have his wil oh blessed word to my soul 3. Christ is lovely in this because the Saints see the glory of all Christs other excellencies through this the wicked see and fall at the dread of Christs hatred but see not the justness and righteousness of all Christs administrations as the Saints do they can see the justness and righteousness of Christ in damning of men to Hell for sin yea the Saints can behold Christs love to them in this hatred of sin This 10th of this Moneth being the same Lords day in the Evening while I was endeavouring to bless and praise the Name of this my glorious God for his eminent appearances this day which I desire never to forget it fell upon my heart amongst other things to tell the Lord That seeing he had cast such a hint upon my heart that the best thankfulness for mercy received is to gather in upon God for more mercy I did therefore desire That to all his abundant appearances to my soul this day he would please to adde this mercy which I desired to plead with him for this Evening That as he had gloriously unvailed through his Word the hatred of my Lord Jesus Christ against sin that he would now also shew its evil by experience that it might appear that really he doth hate sin yea every sin in my soul by his pursuing the life and drawing out the blood of it telling him withal That if any sin were the object of the hatred of my soul then needs must this corruption of mine in a special manner being so diametrically opposite to him as the setting up of any thing or creature in his Throne yea even at this present wherein he hath so gloriously appeared that the consolations of God were not small to my soul they coming with such mighty power praying him in a special manner to pursue the body of this corruption and let my soul find that really it is the object of the hatred of Jesus Christ and shall certainly be ruined by him Having got a great cold which did somewhat distemper me I was in a great question whether I should the twentieth of this tenth month go to the Ordinance or no at last I desired to give it up to the Lord bseeching him to direct me what to do desiring only to be led by him At last I resolved God willing to wait upon him this day at Fulham and as for the next day let the Lord do with me what he will whether to fit me to go or disable me having many fears upon my spirit concerning my going whether it were a right and pure aiming at God and seeking his presence yea or no being not able to satisfie my self in this question Thus I say desiring the Lords appearances to my soul and speaking some words to him for my spiritual advantage I went this day to Fulham where the Lord shewed me what a blessed thing it was to have a sight of God from those words in Matt. 13. Blessed are the eyes that see the things you see and the ears that hear the things you hear whence the Lord shewed me what an abundant cause I had to bless him for them those many sights he had given me of himself when he had left so many in the dark and never given them one glimpse of himself But being exceeding ill and weary this night I went to bed betimes waiting what the Lord would do with me and truly in the Morning I thought I found my self unfit to go forth considering also our meeting the next day which haply the Lord might make me more fit to enjoy yet I must needs say I really think the trouble that lay upon my spirit about the straightness of my ends in going did more discourage me then the unfitness of my body but what through the one and the other I durst not go forth this 21. day and so my Mother and Aunt Dogget onely went and I stayed at home but when I arose I found my self pretty well so as I begun to be somewhat troubled that I had stayed at home fearing that this may be only a subtile device of Satan to hinder me of this opportunity and so turning my self to the Lord I besought him that if it were he that had this day prevented me that he would please to make it up to my soul some other way by hinting out something by his Spirit to my heart that might be for my spiritual advantage and truly whiles I was endeavouring to press this upon the Lord immediately after there fell this apprehension upon my heart or rather the Lord was pleased to to drop it which was this Oh Lord how comes it to pass that my soul being so exceedingly taken with any spark of thy gloous Image in poor mortal creatures should at the present rebel and murmure at thy holy and blessed will which is part of thy essential glory if the sight of thy image be so pleasing to me why then is not the sight of thy will which is thy self much more glorious then the Rayes of thine that shine upon thy creatures why is not this as pleasing as delightful and contentful to me which hint I could not but look upon as a real answer of this desire the Lord make it of use to me I am sure it was such a confideration and meditation that if the Lord will but please to set it home with power may be of abundant advantage to my wicked spirit The Lord in mercy for Christs sake make it so The 22. of this tenth month being a day appointed for our Church-Meeting I earnestly besought the Lord That if he saw it meet to carry me forth this day he would also go along with me and vouchsafe his gracious presence to me in speaking some seasonable word to my poor soul that might appear even to come from himself begging also his presence in and through all these his instruments which he should please to make use of this day And O my soul how gloriously was the Lord pleased to appear this day in chearing and refreshing thy poor drooping spirit even so as thou wert not able to continue thy selfe in this wonderful appearance of God casting them upon so suteable a word even to the estate of my poor soul at this present and that Scripture our brother Oâ—… began with and was after pursued sweetly by our dear pastor was the 73 â—sa The End of the Third Book FINIS
of Encouragement as if the Lord should say You shall see that my heart is in this Work that I will not only do it but I greatly desire to do it and therefore if it were possible for me to forget it yet I give you this liberty and freedom to come and put me in remembrance nay I lay it as a law of love upon you that you do thus come and minde me of it Put me in remembrance let us plead together Oh the admirable condiscention in this high God who hath so much povver as he hath before expressed that he can work and none can let it and yet will suffer his poor Worm to plead with him About the beginning of this fifth Month there were these hints given me and hopes from the Lord which I do not yet know but I may take as an answer to several Petitions put up to him As first That I had not lived answerable to that counsel the Lord was pleased to hand out to me by Mr. Cradock i.e. Not to speak evil of any one or other behind their back but I have often cryed out to others not to themselves of the pride of this body and that body and the passion of this or that person and yet behold how sadly it reigns in my self may not the Lord righteously suffer it in me and shew me the evil and folly of it beholding the Mote in anothers eye and behold a beam in my own at this time also was that brought to my hands in Jam. 1. 2 6. If any man among you seem to be reliâ—ious and bridleth not his tongue but deceiveth his own heart this mans religion is in vaine A sad word Also in the 4. 5. 6. Verses of this same Chapter 4. But let patience have her perfect work that you may be perfect and entire wanting nothing 5. If any of you lack wisdome let him ask it of God that giveth to all men liberally and upbraideth not and it shall be given him 6. But let him â—sk in faith nothing wavering for hee that wavereth is lik a wave of the sea driven with the winde and tossed A gratious promise to those that lack wisdome and aske it and in the 4. ch of Iam. v. 2 3 you ask and receive not because you ask amiss that you may consume it upon your lusts And truly what do I know but that the Lord doth suffer this lust as he did the Canaanites of old to trouble the Israelites so this lust to humble me and prove me and know or make me to know what is in my heart O my soule how hast thou need then to set all the force of thy soule a gainst this bitter root of pride which for ought I know was the cause of all other evils O the wayes that the Lord hath taken to pluck up this root out of thy heart hath not all thy afflictions of inward and outward man beene directed as it were against this sin what delight else hath the Almighty to lay sickness and weakness upon thee why doth he thinkest thou permit all the mocks and jears thou daily meetest with why it was for that continued working up of thy pride notwithstanding all his dealings with thee to pul downe when thou art lifted up too much so that thou mayst thank thy own pride for all Some hints from the Lord at Mr. Thorns about the end of the 5 Month 1654 which I know not but may be an answer of former petitions May-be thou wouldest honour God in one way and condition and he would have thee to honour him in another yea may-be he would have thee honour him by living by faith rouling upon him for the subduing of thy corruptions and in the mean time will be honoured by continual strugling and fighting with them O my soule hast thou not often yea oh how often tempted the Lord sadly concerning this and the Lord grant it may be the last after many solemn resolutions and promises unto the Lord never to provoke him thus any more and yet to do it again yea might not the Lord do this even in answer to prayer thou having begged of him that morning to give and order all thy words and actions that day oh that God would at last make thee wise and so order thy spirit and subdue this rising of corruption so as thou maist never more provoke him in this kind Vpon the 6 of this 6 month 1654. The Lorddrew out my heart in the morning to seek of him that he would be pleased to bow down and appeare gloriously and gratiously to and through his servant Mr Knight who had but the day before at Fulham Chappel so exceedingly pressed us to seek the Lord for him which wrought upon my heart greatly to begg of God that he might find the fruit of the prayers of his people on his behalf As also that my poor soule and others that did appeare to meet that morning might have a gratious visit from him that none of all my unfittness to attend upon him or unfruitfullness under former appearances might hinder his gratious presence with and to my soul this day but that though there was nothing in me to move him to it yet that he would doe it for his own name and glory sake that my soul might have such a light of him as might conform me more and more to him And how graciously was the Lord pleasd to bow down this day as a God hearing prayer that first on the behalf of his servant Mr Knight that was to speak this day in his name how gloriously did hee appeare not only through his Poor worms but even in him also greatly drawing out his heart both in prayer preaching In prayer and therein begging of God in the entrance of his services his presence and mightily in a way of faith rouling upon him for an answer of prayer even at this present season The 27 of this 6 Month being the Lords day and finding my heart very dead and cold all the week and also now very unprepared to meet the Lord or expect any appearance at all from him I did yet in a few short desires present my request to him beging his mighty presence unvailing the Lord Iesus both to and through his servant to our poor souls beseeching him also that I might have a clear sight of his goodness in it and that he would please to appear a God nay and not a God a far off telling him withal that my poor soul had found him to be so notwithstanding all my unfitness and unworthiness beseeching him even now to make it appear to my soul that he is a God hearing prayer and that he would give my soul a very glorious sight of my Lord Iesus and not only discover him to me but cause these discoveries to work with mighty power upon my heart really taking it off from all other things whatsoeuer and fix it wholy upon himselfe with many other requests of this