the same though in our Judgement we cannot so own them which is a plain contradiction in our principles we say they are not Churches and Ministers of Christ by our practice we say they are as hath been minded Secondly As it is a contradiction of our own principles so it hath had such effects which are too visible and remains unto this day I must confess in my most serious thoughts I have wondered what should be the reason that any in the house of God should desire to be elsewhere I am sure there is no reason to be given for it neither from Scripture nor experience therefore I conclude it s either from ignorance so persons in their practice cross their own principles and not know it or else it s from corrupt principles or else they are overcome by some violent temptations As to the 1. of these I trust there are not many in the house of God so ignorant As to the 2. it is the desire of my soul that God would reprove shew them the evill of such principles and recover them out of such snares As to the 3. Let them take heed lest having put their hand to the plow and looking back they become unfit for the Kingdom of God Luke 9. 62. and let them likewise take heed of pleasing men or halting between two opinions but if God be God follow him if Baal follow him 1 Kings 28 21. This may seem harsh language to some but I am satisfyed that what I have written hath not been from a censorious spirit to Judge of the final State of any or to question the grace of God in any where it doth appear in the least measure and therefore let none say that because I cannot own any to be true Churches or Ministers of Christ but such as are in the same order with us that therefore I say there is nothing of God or Truth in them or that none shall be saved but our selves or that we love none but those of our own Judgement which if any do so think or speak of us it is a very great mistake for if I may speak for others as I have already said I do upon a godly account love and delight in some who are not in our Churches and do wait for the accomplishment of those glorious promises when they and we shall have a pure language shall call upon the Lord serve him with one consent and when we shall have one heart and one way and there shall be one Lord and his name one Zeph. 3. 9. Jer. 32. 39. Zach. 14. 9. In the mean time Let none under a pretence of waiting for the accomplishment of such promises as these grow cold and indifferent in the great things of God For none can truly wait for the accomplishment of Promises but such as do wait in a close walking with God according to that measure of light received and so those that have but a little of the knowledge of God let them follow on to know the Lord Hosea 6. 3. and let those that are in the faith earnestly contend for it Jude 3. and such as are in Gospel Churches let them stand fast in one Spirit with one mind striving together for the faith of the Gospel Phil. 1. 27. and let every one that names the name of Christ depart from iniquity 2 Timothy 2. 19. and those that love the Lord hate evil Psalm 97. 10. And as I desire that none may slight grow cold or indifferent in the great things of God under a pretence of waiting for high enjoyments or discoveries which shall be in the later daies so I desire likewise that none may plead against the Truth under a pretence of Love as many do in these daies labouring to confound light with darkness truth with error and to make an agreement where God hath made none Let such know that true spiritual love as it is wrought in the heart by the Spirit of God so it is bounded within the limits of Truth Love and Truth go hand in hand it is so fixed upon God that it Loves all in and for him spiritual Love must have a spiritual object and as the obiect is more or less visible so is that Love it cannot love every thing alike nay it works as well by hatred of evill as approving that which is good Psa 101. Psa 97. 10. Rev. 2. 6. Psa 119. 122 128. It loves that which God loves and hates that which he hates it loves the Word of God the Ordinances of God and the people of God and hates all that is in opposition to these it rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth 1 Cor. 13. 6. This is true spiritual love in which we are to receive every truth and by which faith worketh 2 Thes 2. 10. Gal. 5. 6. and I dare affirm whatever persons may pretend of spiritual love that is not of this nature it is a meer delusion and that all that fear the Lord ought to take heed of it The fift Note of Experience concerning Notions and Pretended Spiritualities in which Satan transforms himself into an Angel of light and how far I was deceived by it and how the Lord was pleased to recover me out of it BEing now through much mercy brought out of Babylon into Sion to partake of those dainties which the Lord hath prepared for his people there Satan that grand Enemy of mankind who goeth about like a roaring Lion seeking whom he may devour 1 Pet. 5. 8. envies my happiness and waites his opportunitie to catch me as a fish in the water covering his hook with a bait of mystery and spirituality who though I had escaped him in all his former appearances as a devill yet now transforms himself into an Angel of light if it were possible for ever thereby to beguile and deceive me knowing that those that are so deceived are the fittest Agents to promote his Kingdome and that many times he prevailes this way when he can prevail no other way drawing persons to that by degrees through corrupt principles which they would have trembled at the thoughts of before they had such principles but God was pleased not onely to keep me from such things but also discover to me the way by which persons are brought to such things that so to the praise of his Grace I might avoid those waies and also forewarn others to avoid them likewise But before I was brought to discover Satan under these veiles by hearkning to the voice of the Tempter in the thoughts of which I desire ever to be humbled in the presence of God I was deceived and beguiled by him in some particular things and that after this manner after we had lived some time in London walking with the Church in the practice of the Gospel it pleased God to remove our habitation into the Country where we had not that privilege and after a while my Husband being in the Army it occasioned our
would save or damn me at last I knew not neither did I think it possible for me ever to have known that except it were by some extraordinary way which very few did attain unto But by degrees I began to stay upon some promises through such considerations as these first I thought it could not stand with the goodness of God to damn a poor soul that had such heart-workings and desires after him as I had having much in my thoughts those words of Sampsons Mother Judges 13. 23. I thought that if he did intend to destroy me he would never have given me such desires after him preserved me till now and then that promise Mat. 5. 6. did much support me for I thought that if ever poor creature did hunger and thirst after righteousness I did these promises and considerations with some confused apprehensions that I had concerning the Lord Jesus did much raise me the thoughts I had of him were such as these I did believe that the Justice of God must be satisfied for sin and that nothing could satisfy his justice but a perfect righteousnesse now I thought I was to be very strict and circumspect in all my waies if it were possible to perform such a righteousnesse but what I could not do Christ had done for me and when I had done any thing that I thought was sin I could not apply Christ till I had repented that was till I had mourned fasted and prayed afflicting my self in such a measure as I thought might stand with the not destroying or prejudicing nature for there God would have mercy rather than sacrifice and Jesus Christ would make up that which was wanting so that Christ was my stay though it was through a very carnal and wrong apprehension But though I thought I must be so qualified and fitted for Christ before I could receive him and be made happy by him yet I knew there was no mercy to be found without him nor no life but in him In this conditiō I lived some years more and grew very cheerful confident as I think it was possible to be under such an apprehension but yet my confidence was alwaies more or lesse as I was more or less strict in my waies and sometimes though I had been never so strict yet I was subject to fear left I had not done as much as it was possible for me to do for otherwaies I thought Christ would be nothing at all to me yet my hopes were greater than my fears and I was resolved if I perished I would perish here at the feet of Christ and now I did not only see that possible which before I thought impossible but I had great hopes and much confidence most times This apprehension though it be that which is far below the glory of the free grace of God in the Gospel yet it did present Christ very lovely to me and did produce in me a real love to him as I dare not but so judge considering how I stood affected to and delighted in whatever I knew to be his will Though I must confess I think at the first the great wheel that carryed all about was my own good yet I am very confident that at this time I had a real love to delight in the Lord Jesus Christ and his commandements were not grievous to me but I did approve of them to be the most excellent things because approved of by the Lord and I well remember I was so far taken off from delighting in sin that I think I may say I did hate it with a perfect hatred as that which was in it self the only object of hatred as it was against God and all my delight was to be with those that I thought did excell in vertue and I could not bear wicked persons but their waies and practices were odious to me yet still I say my condition at this time was a condition of extreme bondage and below the Gospel I shall say no more of it but only this that what I have here written I think I may say is not the hundredth part of the labors and travells of my soul whiles I lived in that condition and if I should go about to write it all I know not how nor when to make an end But God was pleased in mercy to free me from that bondage by the manifestation of his love and grace through his Son to whom be all praise and glory for ever more Amen Some brief Observations from this second note of Experience FIrst Concerning the person by whom my experience in these things began which was one as I iudge not rightly called or sent to preach the Gospel he not being related to a true Church though otherwise I hope a godly man according to that measure of light he had received From whence I observe That it is possible for a godly man in times of ignorance and darkness to be a Minister of a false Church Secondly I observe That though it be not the work of a false Ministery neither is it the way of God to convert souls by yet accidentally or providentially somthing may be done that way by them especially in times of persecution where there is not a true Ministry abroad as indeed I am much inclined to own the work of conversion to be begun in me at this time and that for these reasons First because now was the day of Gods power no◠only to make me willing but there was some change wrought in the whole soul and every faculty of it which before was dead had now some life and motion in things relating to God and godliness as the understanding was opened so the will was changed and made willing to submit to truth and to imbrace the waies of life though it were through the greatest difficulty yet in much darkness and then the affections were taken and though there were but a little glimps of truth appeared yet there was a love to it and delight in it and a great hatred of the contrary all which I apprehend could not be but from some seeds of the Gospel though through false teaching there was not that blessed fruit of ioy and peace in believing also the Memory was active and busie to retain truth so that here was some change wrought in the whole soul as aforesaid A second reason is because when I lay under conviction of sin by the Law and was ready to sink under my burthen that which did suport and uphold my spirit was the Lord Jesus Christ though my apprehensions of him were not according to the Gospel as to the glory of the free grace therein contained A third reason is from the consideration of that fruit which did appear at that time which was an intire love to Christ and a conversation suitable thereunto according to the light then received For there was not only a doing good but a love to it and delight in it and there was not only a forbearing evil
truth Another reason why many Saints were so deceived in those daies as I apprehend was That they being but newly come to the faith were expos'd to great temptations having but little means of strength against them it may be far from a Church or else in a Church where were false Teachers as in those dayes there were very many by reason of which many were deceived whereas others who were as weak if not weaker being in Churches where there were sound Teachers were kept from them which may be a caution as to particular persons to take heed what and whom they hear so to Churches who they permit to be Teachers and not to suffer any unsound doctrine to be taught It may also be a word of remembrance to all that do enjoy this great mercy to have sound and faithful Teachers highly to esteem them for their works sake and to account such worthy of double honour giving them all due respect and encouragement that they may do their work with joy and not with grief according to Hebrews 13. 17. 1 Thessal 5. 12 13. 1 Timothy 5. 17. Other reasons may be given for the Saints mistake in those things but I shall mention no more intending only my own experience For I can truly say that upon a diligent search and enquiry what might be the cause of my own mistakes I find them to be no other but these very things exprest As First I was weak in principles as indeed I had never been under much means to be otherwise Secondly I am conscious to my self of some extreme in minding truth as it relates to the inward man though truly I know not that I did slight any Ordinance or command of Christ but that I did rather highly esteem of them but not to lessen sin it is possible there may be something of that nature though I know it not Thirdly I am sure I was exposed to great temptations of this kind having little means of strength against them finding so many corrupted though through mercy it is better now that breach being made up with great advantage for which I desire with all Saints to praise the Lord for ever for doubtless the Saints advantage in their enlarged experience and confirmation in the truth is so great by these things that I cannot expres it Again it calls for praise that as the Lord hath turned it to our great advantage so he hath wonderfully disappointed the expectations of the devil and wicked men who were ready to say as in Psa 35. 25. All so would we have it verily concluding that though they could not suppress us by their persecuting power yet now we would destroy our selves as indeed we might have so done had not the Lord prevented and we may say it was the Lords doing and it is marvellous in our eyes And whereas some by reason of those things have been ready to question our practice whether it be of God Let them know that there is no ground from thence to question it seeing it is no more than what hath been in those Churches in the Apostles daies and what they did foretell should be in these daies 1 Corinth 15. 12. 1 Timothy 1. 19. 2 Timothy 2. 18. 2 Peter 2. 12. Acts 20. 30. But if it were a safe ground to judge of truth by what hath appeared in relation to those things then there is more ground of confirmation that what we practise is of God seeing that notwithstanding those things we have been so wonderfully preserved as we are unto this day but though these things may be something as to the ignorant yet yet the rule by which we judge of our practice is only as it hath its ground and rise in holy Scripture being built upon the foundation of the Apostles and Prophets Jesus Christ himself being the chief Corner Stone Therefore it hath never been any scruple at all to me for though some have denyed the Churches and turned their ears from hearing the truth and have turned to fables yet the Churches and truth is the same as God is the same Now as for the grounds or reasons why some of the Saints themselves have so done I shall say nothing because as I said before I intend no more but my own experience and through the mercy of God I was never so far corrupted as to question either the Scriptures Churches or Ordinances of Christ much less to withdraw from them or to give any just occasion to be withdrawn from by them yet notwithstanding I do not in the least question the reality of those poor souls who have been so far overcome and are through mercy again returned and as for such as never return I shall leave them to be judged by the Lord who only is the judge of those that are without 1 Cor. 5. 13. Having thus far considered of these allegorical notions how they are the worst of all errors and the greatest mystery of iniquity in that they are more deceiving than others promising the greatest good but leading directly to the greatest evil and having given some reasons as I judge why the Saints in these daies have been so generally deceived by them I shall further proceed to consider what may be the end of God in permitting it so to be First I conceive it may be in general that such as were approved may be made manifest agreeable to 1 Cor. 11. 9. which accordingly hath been many by those things were made manifest to be approved though others that were not have appeared to be what they are But Secondly and more particularly I believe the Lord had many good ends in it both in relation to himself in relation to them and in relation to others of his people it may be some that are yet unborn First In relation to himself for the exaltation of his praise that when they should come to see how great their deliverance was and what an addition to all their former mercies they might admire his goodness and break forth into the high praises of his name and that all the daies of their lives when this mercy comes into their thoughts For my own particular I can truly say that the mercy of God to me in relation to those things I look upon it as the greatest mercy that ever I received from the Lord next the manifestation of his Love in Jesus Christ through the Gospel But Secondly In relation to them so deceived that they should have enlarged experience of the fulness of God and of their own nothingness and of the sweetness and excellency of truth above error how it doth excell it as far as light excells darkness and live more upon God and less upon themselves in faith and humility and in the increase of all grace in more cleerness of understanding and knowledge of the Truth for doubtless through the goodness of the Lord who hath promised to do his people good by every thing they do gain by it in all these in some measure