of the Lords Supper I found God gracious to me in preparation In the morning when I awaked God brought to my remembrance Jer. 2. 32. Can a maid forget her Ornaments or a Bride her attire I considered I was to meet and Sup with my Bridegroom the Lord Jesus and then considered what Ornaments and attire would best please him that I might put them on and these were presented to my thoughts some as I lay in bed and some afterwards as lovely and desirable in the sight of Christ which I determined to put on 1 st A meek and quiet Spirit 1 Pet. 3. 4. 2 ly Faith Cant. 4. 9. Thou hash ravished my heart my Sister my spouse with one of thine Eyes Faith hath the office of an Eye in the Soul Joh. 6. 40. Every one that seeth and believeth Looking unto Jesus Heb 12. 2. 3 ly Love Cant. 4. 10. How fair is thy Love my Sister c. 4 ly Humility Math. 11. 29. Learn of me for I am lowly in heart 5 ly Self-denial and forsaking of every thing that cometh in Competition with Christ Ps 45 10 11. Hearken O Daughter and consider forget thine own people and thy Fathers House So shall the King greatly desire thy beauty 6 ly An obediential frame of heart Math. 10. 20 21. All these have I observed from my youth Jesus beholding him Loved him 7 ly An heart resolved to hold and maintain frequent converse and communion with him Cant. 2. 14 Let me see thy countenance let me hear thy voice for sweet is thy voice and thy Countenance is Comely 8 ly Uprightness Prov. 11. 20. 9 ly An holy fear of God and hope in his mercy Ps 147. 11. 10 ly fruitfulness Cant. 4. 16 5. 1. But though God graciously assisted me in preparation yet in the time of receiving my heart was flat and dead As soon as the Sacrament was ended I retired to my Chamber to to pray and as I was praying that Scripture was brought to my remembrance Rom. 3. 3 4. shall their unbelief make the Faith of God of none effect God forbid I argued thence that the sins of my holy things my deadness and want of holy and due affections in time of receiving should not make void what God had promised in and by this ordinance but that the Cup was to me the Communion of the blood of Christ and the New Testament in his blood and the Bred the Communion of the body of Christ This did strengthen my faith to depend upon God for the benefits signified and sealed by that Ordinance notwithstanding the indisposition of my heart in the time of receiving Sept. 29. As I was musing on that rich promise made to Abraham Gen. 15. 1. Fear not Abraham I am thy shield and thy exceeding great reward Which is sufficient to bear up the Soul under the fear and danger of any Evil and against the loss and want of any good things I considered what warrant I had to apply that promise and presently that Scripture was hinted to me Gal. 3. 9. They which be of faith are blessed with faithful Abraham I was strengthened and Comforted by it Twice in this weak I observed that Setting upon worldly business which called hastily upon me before I had been at closet prayer and performed my usual meditations on the Covenant and promises of God my heart grew out of frame and unsavory and I was Successless on both days Oct. 1. Sabbath day At my Entrance on my morning meditation on Gods Covenant I had a great combate in my Spirit about my laying claim to God as my God having been lately foiled by my sins but God helped me and shewed me out of his word that I might and ought to keep my hold of God as my God Notwithstanding my often backslidings from him Jer. 3. 1 5 7 8. yet v. 19. saith God Thou shalt call me my Father Hos 2. 5. with 16. The same evening considering how often and greatly I had sinned and yet had been forgiven I pondered on that Scripture Luke 7 47. and saw that I had cause to love the Lord much because I had much forgiven and Considering how I should shew my Love to God and that much these Scriptures were hinted to me Ps 40. 16. Let such as love thy name say Continually let the Lord be Magnified Ps 97. 10. Ye that Love the Lord hate evil Joh. 14. 10. If ye Love me keep my Commandments Joh. 21. 15. Simon lovest thou me feed my sheep feed my Lambs Lord help me thus to shew much love to thee Oct. 8. Having been overtaken with the sin which easily besets me and hath often foiled me My Spirit fell and my faith flagg'd and I could not look upon God with any boldness was indisposed to prayer Yet in time of prayer God magnified his free grace to me and revived my Souls with that word 1 Joh. 2. 1 2. If any man sin we have an Advocate c. After I had ended my Supplications I pondered on that Scripture and was comforted against the sense of my sin by the Advocateship of Jesus Christ who pleadeth his propitiatory Sacrifice as a Satisfaction to his Fathers justice for the sins of believers as oft as they fall into them and querying with my self whether he would be an Advocate to me to plead for me I was satisfied from that word Joh. 6. 37. him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out I was also further encouraged from Heb. 7. 25. I considered that the Intercession of Christ answered all charges and accusations that could be brought against those for whom he interceded Rom. 8. 33. 34. and that the Intercession of Christ kept us â—o firmly in the love of God that nothing could be able to separate us from it Rom. 8. 34. 35 38 39. I considered further that the persons for whom he interceded were such as came to God by him and that he interceded for them at all times when they are fallen as well as when they stand when they are dead as well as when in a lively frame for He ever liveth to make intercession After these meditations my Spirit revived and notwithstanding I was before bowed down under the sense of guilt I went with boldness to God leaning upon the merits and Intercession of Jesus Christ Oct. 13. My Spirit being bowed down with the sense of guilt because I was foiled by a Sin against which I had prayed many years I was revived in reading in my course 2 Cor. 12. 7 8 9. Whence I observed 1 st God seeth it needful for some of his Servants to meet with buffeting 2 ly When God le ts loose any corruption a thorn in the flesh or a temptation a messenger of Satan to buffet us It is to keep us humble and from being exalted 3 ly God suffers his faithful Servants sometimes to pray long against corruption or temptation and yet cannot get it removed 4 ly Though my strength was not
the Covenant for he promiseth to make an Everlasting Covenant with such as come to him Isa 55. 3. 2. My engaging my heart to approach to God Jer. 30. 21 22. 3. My being one of Gods Servants as before Isa 41. 9 10 Thou art my Servant I am thy God 4. The Law of God in my heart and my delight to do the will of God Jer. 31. 33. Ps 40. 8. 5. My fear of God Jer. 32. 38 39 40. which fear is discerned by eschewing and departing from evil Job 1. 1. Prov. 16. 6. 6. My choosing the Lord for my God Ps 16. 2. and voluntary giving up my self to him to obey his voice and keep his ways Deut. 26. 17 18 19. Jer. 7. 23. 7. My willingness to leave earthly Enjoyments at the call of God setting loose to the world looking upon my self as a Stranger and Pilgrim on the Earth and preferring and seeking Heavenly things above Earthly For God is not ashamed to be called their God that are and do thus 11. 13 14 15. 16. Hence I infer for my Comfort 1. Gods Audience of my Prayers Mic. 7. 7. 2. Gods presence with me in all Conditions Isa 43. 1 2 3. 3. A supply of all my wants Ps 23. 1. 4. Strength and Assistance to all Services or Sufferings Isa 41. 10. 5. He will be my God and Guide for ever Ps 48. 14. 6. He will Pardon my sins and not forsake and cast me off Mic. 7. 17 18 19. 1 Sam. 12. 20 22. Jer. 51. 5. And I Charge it on my self as my Duty 1. To walk humbly with God Mic. 6. 8. 2. To seek him early Ps 63. 1. 3. To praise and exalt him Ps 116. 28. 4. To Love him above all with all my heart Deut. 6. 5. 5. To turn to him when ever I shall depart from him Hos 12. 6. 6. To trust in him continually for all things Psal 18. 2 91. 2. Yea in times of greatest danger distress and fear Psal 31. 13 14. Ps 42. 11. 1 Sam. 30. 4. 6. Evidences of Gods Love to my Soul 1. His drawing of me to Christ Jer 31. 3. Whom God drawes he Loveth with an everlasting Love Now I find that God hath drawn me because my Soul is come to Christ and goeth dayly to him and no man can come to Christ except the Father draw him Joh. 6. 44. 2. His giving me Faith He loveth those that through the Word believe in his Son even as he loveth his own Son Joh. 17. 20. 23. 3. God Loveth those that Love him and that Love his Son Jesus Christ Prov. 8. 17. 1 Joh. 4. 19. Joh. 14. 21. 16. 27. I find that God hath given me an heart to Love him and his Son Jesus Christ 4. A Principle of Spiritual life infused into my Soul whereby I live to God is an Evidence of Gods Love to me Ezek. 16. 6. 8 Eph. 2. 4 5. 5. God Loveth not only the Righteous Ps 146. 8. but such also as follow after Righteousness Prov. 15. 9. which through grace I find he hath caused me to do My Comfort in this is that this is an everlasting Love Jer. 31. 3. Joh. 13. 1. Nothing shall separate me from it Rom. 8. 38 39. No not my Sins Ps 89. 30 31 32 33 34. Though the Mountains and hills depart his loving-kindness shall not depart Isa 54. 10. Admire and Adore this Love Oh my Soul 1 Joh. 3 1. Evidences of Gods accepting my Person and Services This enquiry is necessary 1 st Because both work and Person must come to judgment 2 Cor. 5. 9 10. 2 ly Though it be a mercy to have our Service accepted of the Saints Rom. 15. 30 31. Yet the main thing we should labour for is to be approved of God 2 Tim. 2. 15. For the approbation of men without the acceptation of God is little worth 2 Cor. 10. ult Evidence 1. Isa 56. 6 7. There the Lord promiseth to accept their Burnt-Offerings and Sacrifices upon his Altar that is all their Services which they perform in Christs Name who is called an Altar Heb. 13. 10. and who was Typified by the Altar under the Mosaical Law who joyn themselves to the Lord to Love and serve him and keep his Sabbath and take hold of his Covenant Even to every such Person he promiseth acceptation of their Services signified by Burnt-Offerings and Sacrifices Now blessed be God he hath enabled me by grace in some measure thus to do 2. Rom. 14. 18. He that in these things serveth Christ is acceptable to God In these things i. e. in Righteousness Peace and joy mentioned v. 17. Here I see that when in obedience to Christs Command and in discharge of the work and Calling I have been called to by Christ I endeavour by Preaching Writing Conference private Instruction to beget or promote Righteousness Peace or joy in the Holy Ghost I am accepted of God 3. Act. 10. 35. In every Nation he that feareth God and worketh righteousness is accepted of him We then work righteousness when we work that which God commands us Ps 119. 172. All thy Commandments are righteousness This I endeavour 4. Gen. 4. 7. If thou doest well shalt thou not be accepted Then we do well when we serve the Lord faithfully Mat. 25. 23. and when we shew Love to our Neighbour Jam. 2. 8. whereof I have the Testimony of my Conscience Evidences of Eternal Life God hath out of his free grace blessed be his Name given me good hope of Eternal Life from these Scriptures 1. Joh. 3. 16. Whosoever believeth in Christ shall not perish but have everlasting life This promise hath oft refreshed and satisfied my Soul when I have been Communing with my own heart about the grounds of my hope of Eternal Life For I find that God hath given me an heart to believe in Christ and the promise is Whosoever believeth without any exception of the greatness frequency or long continuance of our sins when I have been unable to work the works of God I have found an heart to believe 2. 2 Sam. 23. 5. Although my house be not so with God yet God hath made with me an everlasting Covenant ordered in all things and sure for this is all my Salvation and all my desire although he make it not to grow Here I observed 1 st That being in Covenant with God is a sufficient ground to hope for Salvation This is all my Salvation he hath made with me an everlasting Covenant 2 ly The sinful infirmities and miscarriages of the Servants of God should not discourage them from hoping in God for Eternal Salvation by vertue of his Covenant David had been guilty of several miscarriages besides his great failing in the matter of Uriah as unbelief 1 Sam. 27. 1. dissimulation and lying to Achish v. 10. Unkind if not unjust dealing with Mephihosheth in giving away half his Estate upon a false Accusation of Ziba 2 Sam. 19. 27 28 29. c. Yet in a dying hour he
to want nor how to abound apt to murmur and repine in Straits and to be lifted up and grow secure in Enlargements O Lord in every Condition I need thy grace to teach me how to behave my self O shew me thy way and lead me therein for thy Name-sake Also the Lord taught me hence that I ought to be patient under his hand when he hideth his Face and to resign up my will to his Will inasmuch as I do not know what is good for my self The Lord seeth I should be worse it may be if I enjoyed more than I do and therefore in wisdom and mercy he keeps me in a low Condition My confusion sometimes hath been so great that I have been so unsetled and at such a loss in my Soul that I knew not what to do all former workings have been questioned and judged as nothing In the hour of such temptation the Lord taught me besides Prayer and searching into my Soul to have recourse to former experiences Psal 77. 10 11. and Psal 85. Octob. 11. In the morning I bewailed it before God that I was still at a loss to know whether I loved him and after Prayer I read 1 Joh. 2 ch and I was made in a more special manner to take notice of v. 5. Whoso keepeth his word in him verily is the love of God perfected Me-thought I saw God Answering my Prayer and telling me out of this word that I loved him In him verily 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 it is a sure sign of Love to God we need not doubt of it if we keep his Word Now if I know my own heart I desire to do so if the Love of God be perfected in him that keeps his Word then surely it is begun in him that desires and endeavours to keep his Word Jan. 25. The Lord helped me with Tears to bewall mine abominations even my Original and actual sins my formality Earthliness alienation from him c. therein he did remember and fulfil that gracious promise Ezek. 36. 31. I found Godly sorrow sweet not only in the root and fountain thereof it being a Covenant blessing but in the very Actings of it Feb. 2. In the Evening upon my Bed the Lord did graciously melt my heart in the sight of sin under this Consideration that it was against infinite Love I was ashamed confounded and abashed because I had so long slighted neglected Rebelled against a God of Love My Soul even trembled at it Jan. 15. 1655. Having been the day before with one under great Temptations and hearing of another under a wounded Spirit my heart was melted in Prayer whilst I was praising God for his long patience in the days of my sinning and his tenderness and gentleness towards me in my Conversion Jan. 16. I found my heart drawn out to a recumbence on Jesus Christ The Spirit saith Come Rev. 22. 17. Christ saith Come Joh. 7. 37. And the Father saith Come Mat. 22. 4. And who am I O Lord that I should gainsay such Invitations Behold O Lord I come and put my trust in thee Jan. 26. I Preached twice and had very gracious assistance much beyond expectation in the week before I was much indisposed and could not get my heart to a setled meditation of what I was to speak I was under a great sense of my impotency and laboured in the fire till Saturday Afternoon when I cried to the Lord he was gracious to me and Answered me After my work was over I was much assaulted with Spiritual Pride I saw plainly the reason of Gods delaying his Assistance and giving me such sense of my weakness was to keep me humble Every way O Lord I see my own vileness when thou withdrawest from me then my heart dieth and my strength fails and I am ready to be froward When thou enlargest me then I am ready to be puffed up Oh pardon and purge away all my sin for thy Names sake Mar. 23. In Singing the 15 th Psalm I found Comfort my Conscience bearing me witness that I laboured after those things which are set down as Characters of a Citizen of the New Jerusalem Sept. 28. I had sweet Meditations upon my Bed I found God in my morning Prayer also in private and assistance in Preaching but not such an influence of the Spirit in publick Prayer as I have sometimes found Yet I had begged of God that he would give me his presence in publick as a token that he accepted of me and my work but he withdrew I feared hereupon that I had tempted God and sinned in begging new signs of his favour when I had had such great experience of his goodness many times before Lord forgive the sin of thy Servant Nov. 23. Examining my self about a work of Grace I had some Comfort from Ps 40. 8. Delight in doing the will of God is an Argument of the Law written in the heart Now I found that I had a delight especially in some duties as visiting the Sick comforting of distressed Consciences c. I was somewhat terrified from that word in Job ch 42. 7. I was afraid least in my Preaching I should sometimes speak those things of God that were not right and soon after going to Prayer I was in time of Prayer comforted from Joh. 16. 13. The Spirit shall guide you into all truth Dec. 7. I found the Lord very much Answering my Prayer in giving very gracious and powerful Assistance both in Prayer and Preaching at Trinity Lecture on Sabbath day I may say as Jaber 1 Chron. 4. 10. who said Oh that thou wouldest bless me indeed and be with me And God granted my request The next morning there came a woman to me and said she was troubled at the Sermon that she could scarce sleep all night for she bad not gone so far as the Scribes and Pharisees and that which added to the mercy was God kept me humble after this enlargement Mar. 31. 1657. I had a very evident Answer of Prayer I was at a pinch for some money I begged of God that I might be supplied and that Afternoon one to whom I had lent a little money brought it me which was enough for my present necessities the Circumstances were very remarkable I sought the Lord also to be with the Parish in the choice of their Church-Wardens and there were those two chosen whom if I had had the Nomination I should have chosen my self Apr. 21. I kept a day of Fast to the Lord. I found God graciously with me in Prayer the chief thing that I propounded was to seek direction as to my Preaching on Week-days Among other things I begged of God a supply of my wants being in some straits for want of money That very night one brought me 10 s. for Preaching a Funeral Sermon which I expected not and the next morning the Church-Wardens of St. Andrews Parish brought me 7 l. and upwards whereby I was sufficiently supplied I could not but take notice of